WEBVTT - The Version of You Heartbreak Steals 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:05.800 No one has all the answers, but when we ask 0:00:05.880 --> 0:00:10.639 the right questions, we get a little closer, closer to truths, 0:00:11.440 --> 0:00:16.560 closer to each other, even closer to ourselves. I'm journalist 0:00:16.600 --> 0:00:19.280 Danielle Robe and each week, my guests and i'd come 0:00:19.360 --> 0:00:22.800 together to challenge the status quo and our own ways 0:00:22.800 --> 0:00:27.360 of thinking by daring to ask what if, why not? 0:00:28.320 --> 0:00:29.080 And who says? 0:00:30.480 --> 0:00:30.560 So? 0:00:30.680 --> 0:00:35.920 Come curious, dig deep, and join the conversation. It's time 0:00:36.280 --> 0:00:44.080 to question everything. Okay, I have a confession. I did 0:00:44.080 --> 0:00:49.400 something wild this weekend. I called my ex boyfriend. I 0:00:49.440 --> 0:00:51.960 haven't spoken to him in like six years. I've ignored 0:00:52.000 --> 0:00:54.000 all of his messages that he sent me, and there 0:00:54.040 --> 0:00:56.360 haven't been that many. But I just wasn't ready to 0:00:56.400 --> 0:01:00.560 talk to him, and I called him and I don't 0:01:00.640 --> 0:01:05.080 know if you care to even hear this, but I 0:01:05.160 --> 0:01:08.640 wanted to say thank you, and I haven't been able 0:01:08.640 --> 0:01:14.760 to say thank you because our relationship was like, I 0:01:14.760 --> 0:01:16.600 don't know, I didn't say this to him, but it was, 0:01:16.640 --> 0:01:21.920 like I think, in hindsight, pretty toxic and had some 0:01:22.040 --> 0:01:25.760 like insane things that happen. I've shared pieces or story 0:01:25.880 --> 0:01:27.840 like small stories of it on the podcast over the 0:01:27.880 --> 0:01:30.640 years and one day I'll dive in more fully or 0:01:30.680 --> 0:01:32.679 more deeply. Maybe it's for a book. I don't know. 0:01:32.680 --> 0:01:35.800 We'll see. It is a saga, though, and I went 0:01:35.840 --> 0:01:39.200 through all of the phases of grief. I was in 0:01:39.240 --> 0:01:42.240 shock and denial and then anger, and then bargaining and 0:01:42.280 --> 0:01:45.520 depression and acceptance when we broke up, and then I 0:01:45.560 --> 0:01:48.640 was over it, like fully over it. Never even thought 0:01:48.640 --> 0:01:51.880 about him, but every so often memories would pop into 0:01:51.880 --> 0:01:54.760 my mind, less about him and more about me, and 0:01:54.800 --> 0:01:58.120 I'd feel like this pang of anger towards myself for 0:01:58.200 --> 0:02:01.240 the way that I handled something, or like what I 0:02:01.320 --> 0:02:05.080 allowed or how I acted. And then sometimes I would 0:02:05.080 --> 0:02:07.320 be more gentle and I would think of my twenty five, 0:02:07.360 --> 0:02:09.200 twenty six year old self and hold her with more 0:02:09.240 --> 0:02:13.640 grace and acceptance. But anyways, I called him and I 0:02:13.680 --> 0:02:17.480 said thank you. And it took me a long time 0:02:17.919 --> 0:02:22.840 to find peace and meaning and understanding and everything that 0:02:22.919 --> 0:02:26.880 happened in our relationship and beyond. But I'm finally at 0:02:26.919 --> 0:02:34.600 a point where I can see so many good things 0:02:34.639 --> 0:02:37.560 that came from it, and to be honest, somewhere from him. 0:02:37.560 --> 0:02:40.320 But a lot of it was just the pain that 0:02:40.400 --> 0:02:44.320 it caused like forced me into growth. Either way, I 0:02:44.360 --> 0:02:49.720 wanted to thank him, and the experience calling him had 0:02:49.760 --> 0:02:53.160 me thinking about this episode with Tefi Psoa, because we 0:02:53.200 --> 0:02:58.120 often frame heartbreak as losing another person, but Tefi shared 0:02:58.160 --> 0:03:01.360 that the hardest part, in many ways, was losing the 0:03:01.440 --> 0:03:05.600 version of herself that existed before that person hurt her. 0:03:06.120 --> 0:03:09.040 It's like that version of you that trusted a little faster, 0:03:09.200 --> 0:03:13.440 that got excited a little easier, that believed what people said, 0:03:14.080 --> 0:03:18.240 that walked into love without looking for an exit. You know, 0:03:18.440 --> 0:03:20.639 Cheryl strad who is such a great writer, once said, 0:03:20.680 --> 0:03:23.600 you don't have a new heart after heartbreak. You have 0:03:23.720 --> 0:03:28.360 the same heart that's learned something. But when I was 0:03:28.400 --> 0:03:31.360 talking to Tefie, I was thinking, what if we learn 0:03:31.919 --> 0:03:35.040 the wrong lesson? Like what if heartbreak doesn't make us wiser? 0:03:35.160 --> 0:03:37.360 What if it makes us smaller or more guarded or 0:03:37.440 --> 0:03:41.240 less hopeful, less ourselves. I don't know. I think it's 0:03:41.280 --> 0:03:44.160 a journey. And that's the conversation you're about to hear. 0:03:47.200 --> 0:03:51.440 We are revisiting our conversation with Tefi Psoa. Millions of 0:03:51.480 --> 0:03:54.080 people know her as the Internet's best friend, the person 0:03:54.080 --> 0:03:57.360 who somehow finds the words for feelings that so many 0:03:57.440 --> 0:04:00.600 of us struggle to explain and say. Since we first 0:04:00.600 --> 0:04:03.800 recorded this conversation, she's become the host of Love Island 0:04:03.920 --> 0:04:08.080 USA Aftersun, which, unfortunately, Love Island has me in a 0:04:08.160 --> 0:04:10.800 choke hold. If you're watching, here's a hot take. Zach 0:04:11.040 --> 0:04:13.840 is my least favorite man in the villa and if 0:04:13.840 --> 0:04:15.920 you agree or disagree with me, feel free to DM 0:04:15.960 --> 0:04:18.880 me we can have a discussion about it. But back 0:04:18.920 --> 0:04:21.719 to Tppie, she has continued to build one of the 0:04:21.760 --> 0:04:24.960 most thoughtful communities on the Internet, and one of the 0:04:25.000 --> 0:04:26.880 things I love most about her is the way that 0:04:26.920 --> 0:04:30.600 she sees people. When I interviewed her, I thought we 0:04:30.600 --> 0:04:33.279 were going to talk about breakups and heartbreak, and instead 0:04:33.320 --> 0:04:37.520 we talked about refusing to let someone else's choices steal 0:04:37.839 --> 0:04:38.760 your tenderness. 0:04:39.320 --> 0:04:42.360 I told my ex I missed the person that I was. 0:04:42.480 --> 0:04:46.000 I like who I am, but that girl, I'm never 0:04:46.040 --> 0:04:47.560 going to know her again because you put me through 0:04:47.560 --> 0:04:50.040 things that I probably didn't have to learn. I'll never 0:04:50.120 --> 0:04:53.640 be that little twenty seven year old girl so excited 0:04:53.680 --> 0:04:54.400 to meet up with you. 0:04:54.920 --> 0:04:58.120 Isn't it so interesting that you're not just mourning another person, 0:04:58.160 --> 0:05:00.600 You're also mourning the version of your self that they 0:05:00.640 --> 0:05:04.960 took with them. And the beautiful thing is this conversation 0:05:05.279 --> 0:05:08.680 doesn't end there, because healing isn't about becoming who you 0:05:08.720 --> 0:05:12.880 were before. It's about becoming something wiser. It's about protecting 0:05:12.880 --> 0:05:15.760 the parts of yourself that make you hopeful and generous 0:05:15.800 --> 0:05:19.839 and open, even after someone gave you every reason not to. 0:05:20.600 --> 0:05:23.560 So if you've ever wondered whether heartbreak changes you forever, 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:27.640 I think you'll come away from this conversation feeling a 0:05:27.680 --> 0:05:40.359 little less alone. It's time to question everything with Teffi Posoa. Okay, 0:05:40.400 --> 0:05:42.760 so before we jump into heartbreak, I need to know 0:05:43.000 --> 0:05:46.120 about your upbringing, who you were as a kid, where 0:05:46.120 --> 0:05:47.599 you grew up, all the things. 0:05:48.480 --> 0:05:53.080 So I grew up in Miami, small town. Not a 0:05:53.080 --> 0:05:55.600 lot happening there. It's only happened like once or twice 0:05:55.640 --> 0:05:59.159 that people were like, oh Miami, Ohio. I'm like, no, 0:05:59.160 --> 0:06:04.000 no Florida. And I think growing up there really kind 0:06:04.000 --> 0:06:06.200 of like truly molded me as a person in a 0:06:06.240 --> 0:06:10.479 way where I don't think people realize because when people 0:06:10.640 --> 0:06:15.800 ask me about like being Latina, I'm like, you don't understand, 0:06:16.000 --> 0:06:18.800 Like you come from a place I kind of compare 0:06:18.800 --> 0:06:21.200 it to like when you see your teachers at the 0:06:21.240 --> 0:06:23.720 supermarket and you're like, what are you doing here? Get 0:06:23.760 --> 0:06:26.880 back home to school? You live there, So like for Miami, 0:06:27.400 --> 0:06:29.440 I was like that was my whole world. So I 0:06:29.560 --> 0:06:34.240 thought that the percentage of Latin people that was like 0:06:34.520 --> 0:06:38.080 all over the world. And so when I think about, 0:06:38.160 --> 0:06:47.200 you know, things I've experienced or like, whether it be anger, pride, disappointment, heartbreak, joy, 0:06:47.720 --> 0:06:51.719 I've only experienced it around and with Latin people. I 0:06:51.800 --> 0:06:54.160 just feel like, growing up in Miami, there's a reason 0:06:54.800 --> 0:06:56.960 there are so many Cuban people. There's a reason there's 0:06:56.960 --> 0:06:59.120 so many Haitian people. There's a reason there's a lot 0:06:59.120 --> 0:07:01.480 of Guatemalan people. There's a reason there's a lot of 0:07:01.560 --> 0:07:04.160 Venezuelan people. So you're around a lot of people who 0:07:04.160 --> 0:07:06.920 have the courage to start again. And I think that 0:07:07.160 --> 0:07:11.400 really was something really influential to me too, because the 0:07:11.440 --> 0:07:14.840 idea of starting over again and getting up again was 0:07:14.840 --> 0:07:17.840 not foreign to me, you know what I mean. So 0:07:18.160 --> 0:07:22.320 there's a courage there and there's a sense of I 0:07:22.360 --> 0:07:24.600 can do it too that I grew up around. That 0:07:24.680 --> 0:07:28.760 I think definitely influenced me more than I realized as 0:07:28.800 --> 0:07:29.600 a kid, you know. 0:07:29.880 --> 0:07:33.480 I love that so much. As I was watching your 0:07:33.560 --> 0:07:37.200 videos and reading your tweets. You are so comfortable with 0:07:37.240 --> 0:07:42.280 your feelings, and it actually like pushes up against my 0:07:42.600 --> 0:07:46.840 fears in some way because I come from a family 0:07:46.840 --> 0:07:51.720 where they're not so comfortable with feelings. It's the exact opposite. 0:07:51.720 --> 0:07:56.560 And I look at you with simultaneous admiration and fright. 0:07:57.960 --> 0:07:58.360 Me too. 0:08:00.360 --> 0:08:04.200 It's amazing, Like, so is it It's just natural for you? 0:08:04.560 --> 0:08:07.000 Yeah, I don't think it's natural the way that I 0:08:07.080 --> 0:08:09.320 approach things. I think it's because because I was the 0:08:09.360 --> 0:08:12.520 oldest and my parents broke up when I was like 0:08:12.560 --> 0:08:16.520 in second grade, they immediately my mom immediately put me 0:08:16.560 --> 0:08:19.560 into therapy, and she put us all into therapy. But 0:08:19.600 --> 0:08:21.280 I think maybe I was the oldest that I like 0:08:21.720 --> 0:08:25.840 I took to it. When it came to feelings. I 0:08:25.920 --> 0:08:28.680 realized that, like, my feelings were getting hurt a lot 0:08:28.760 --> 0:08:31.480 as a kid, and the only way to make me 0:08:31.640 --> 0:08:34.560 feel better was if I understood what somebody meant by that. 0:08:34.840 --> 0:08:39.400 And through like years going by, I understood that if 0:08:39.400 --> 0:08:41.320 I could get them to tell me what they meant 0:08:41.360 --> 0:08:44.040 in a way where they felt safe with me, that 0:08:44.120 --> 0:08:46.560 I would be able to navigate things better. And it 0:08:46.559 --> 0:08:49.080 started really really young for me, like really young, Like 0:08:49.120 --> 0:08:51.400 I remember being in fifth grade and being like, I 0:08:51.440 --> 0:08:54.160 know sometimes we get scared, but why did you scream 0:08:54.200 --> 0:08:56.000 at me during heads up? Steven up? 0:08:56.760 --> 0:09:00.960 So when you're in relationship, do you find yourself excuses 0:09:01.600 --> 0:09:05.280 for your partner because you're really understanding where they're coming from. 0:09:05.760 --> 0:09:08.160 No, I've had people be like, not everything has to 0:09:08.200 --> 0:09:09.200 be such a deep dive. 0:09:10.000 --> 0:09:11.959 I'm the same people see me. 0:09:12.000 --> 0:09:14.120 Like everything not everything has to be such a deep dive, 0:09:14.160 --> 0:09:16.480 And for me, I'm just like, but you don't understand. 0:09:16.520 --> 0:09:19.199 If I don't understand, then I have to accept that 0:09:19.240 --> 0:09:20.080 you're an asshole. 0:09:21.760 --> 0:09:23.400 I don't know your why. 0:09:23.600 --> 0:09:25.440 I don't know why, and you have to tell me 0:09:25.520 --> 0:09:27.920 your why, because if you don't tell me your why, 0:09:28.400 --> 0:09:31.240 I have to accept that I've wasted a year on 0:09:31.280 --> 0:09:34.360 an asshole. It's only with age that I realized everybody 0:09:34.400 --> 0:09:36.960 has a why, but everybody is to me like shit. 0:09:38.480 --> 0:09:41.640 So that was really fucked up for me to think about. 0:09:41.880 --> 0:09:43.840 For a while. I was like, why would you come 0:09:43.840 --> 0:09:45.439 to that truth, Teffy? And I was like, I don't know. 0:09:45.480 --> 0:09:47.880 I'm really pissing myself off. But a lot of people have. 0:09:48.600 --> 0:09:51.840 Nobody has a perfect story, right, Like everybody has their issues, 0:09:51.880 --> 0:09:55.280 Like everybody has something in their lives that molded them, 0:09:55.360 --> 0:09:59.000 whether they liked it or not. We've all had terrible things. 0:09:59.400 --> 0:10:01.200 But I don't think I would ever be able to 0:10:01.280 --> 0:10:03.560 hurt somebody in the way that other people have chosen 0:10:03.600 --> 0:10:05.120 to hurt me, you know what I mean. 0:10:06.040 --> 0:10:08.320 That's a really hard thing to accept. 0:10:09.200 --> 0:10:13.000 Yeah. I think also something that young people think, and 0:10:13.040 --> 0:10:14.760 I wish I could shake it out of them. What 0:10:14.760 --> 0:10:16.560 do you mean that you'll be the lesson and they'll 0:10:16.600 --> 0:10:19.800 treat the next person better. It is such a farce. 0:10:19.880 --> 0:10:23.160 It is such a lie. Yeah, there is one thing 0:10:23.200 --> 0:10:27.360 in a person that I believe is like a stain. 0:10:27.720 --> 0:10:31.720 It's like bleach on clothing, and no matter how much 0:10:31.800 --> 0:10:36.040 time has passed, that will always remain, especially the longer 0:10:36.160 --> 0:10:39.439 it's left to like fester. If you meet a man 0:10:39.480 --> 0:10:44.120 in their late twenties early thirties that is selfish. You're 0:10:44.120 --> 0:10:45.280 looking at a selfish man. 0:10:45.840 --> 0:10:48.120 What age do you think? That's? Because I agree with you, 0:10:48.200 --> 0:10:50.920 but I think when you're young, young, like eighteen nineteen, 0:10:50.960 --> 0:10:54.200 people are still growing into themselves. I think if you 0:10:54.240 --> 0:10:56.559 meet a man at thirty five. 0:10:57.360 --> 0:10:58.560 This is selfish. 0:10:58.720 --> 0:10:59.880 He is who he is. 0:11:00.440 --> 0:11:03.240 That is it? That person is doneloading. I want to say, 0:11:03.320 --> 0:11:07.680 because of the the brain development from a biological point 0:11:07.679 --> 0:11:10.120 of view, maybe twenty five. But if I met an 0:11:10.080 --> 0:11:12.880 agily young, it's really young. But that's when your friendtal 0:11:12.880 --> 0:11:18.679 lobe stops developing, right, I know, I googled it. 0:11:18.840 --> 0:11:23.520 I had like the breakup that like obliterated my heart, 0:11:24.440 --> 0:11:27.320 and I've learned through therapy it was really more about 0:11:27.520 --> 0:11:29.880 like the breakup. It wasn't so much him. It was 0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:31.920 like it broke It brought up a lot of inner 0:11:32.040 --> 0:11:34.640 child stuff for me that I hadn't known or worked on. 0:11:35.480 --> 0:11:40.520 But that breakup, he started dating a person living in 0:11:40.559 --> 0:11:42.120 my building, which was wild. 0:11:43.160 --> 0:11:45.240 Out of all the fucking people, out of. 0:11:45.240 --> 0:11:48.240 All that I live in like a small building, it 0:11:48.280 --> 0:11:48.600 was so. 0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:51.560 I don't know. I literally say that. I'm like, there 0:11:51.559 --> 0:11:53.400 are so many people in the world. I don't know, 0:11:53.440 --> 0:11:54.480 you couldn't have picked one of them. 0:11:54.960 --> 0:11:57.240 Why in my sixteen person unit did you pick her? 0:11:57.320 --> 0:11:59.719 It was like a little too coincidental, but whatever. So 0:12:00.080 --> 0:12:02.480 the point is I said to my therapist, like, she 0:12:02.520 --> 0:12:04.800 seems like I've seen her in the elevator. She actually 0:12:04.880 --> 0:12:07.840 seems like young and really nice, Like I hope it 0:12:07.960 --> 0:12:12.520 changes for her. And my therapist was like, don't count 0:12:12.559 --> 0:12:15.520 on that. I was like, what do you mean. Maybe 0:12:15.520 --> 0:12:18.120 it was me, maybe we brought out, you know, bad 0:12:18.160 --> 0:12:21.880 things in each other. And she was like, she just 0:12:22.000 --> 0:12:29.400 accepts whatever limitations he had. Her limitations match up with 0:12:29.440 --> 0:12:32.360 his limitations. It just works for her. But nothing has changed. 0:12:32.679 --> 0:12:36.920 I was like, I always say that. I always say, like, 0:12:37.160 --> 0:12:39.319 whenever I see somebody with like a younger person or 0:12:39.360 --> 0:12:42.240 a person less experienced, I'm like, it would take them. 0:12:42.679 --> 0:12:45.760 Like I always think about people who are with these 0:12:45.800 --> 0:12:50.520 like older stars, Right, there's a reason they go for 0:12:50.600 --> 0:12:54.320 these like twenty two year olds. One. They won't say, 0:12:54.760 --> 0:12:58.200 oh my god, you have a fucking drinking problem. It 0:12:58.280 --> 0:13:01.400 is nine in the morning, Where the fuck are you drinking? Like, 0:13:01.480 --> 0:13:04.559 why are you putting whiskey in your fucking coffee? Yeah, 0:13:04.559 --> 0:13:07.160 A nineteen year old three year old goes, he's so spontaneous, 0:13:07.160 --> 0:13:07.960 he's so fun. 0:13:08.840 --> 0:13:12.120 And doesn't have enough experience to know that that's not right. 0:13:12.640 --> 0:13:15.360 That's not right. Because if they did it when you said, like, 0:13:15.400 --> 0:13:17.880 eighteen nineteen year olds are selfish, if I met an 0:13:17.960 --> 0:13:21.000 eighteen nineteen year old. That wasn't I would be so concerned. 0:13:22.000 --> 0:13:24.520 There's a time in your life to be so selfish. 0:13:24.720 --> 0:13:27.000 But I feel like with a partner, there's a difference 0:13:27.000 --> 0:13:32.319 between being selfish and taking advantage or not suffering consequences. 0:13:32.360 --> 0:13:35.800 So being selfish, for example, you could have a boyfriend 0:13:35.960 --> 0:13:38.360 of a year in college, but I hope you go 0:13:38.440 --> 0:13:41.280 to that study abroad in Barcelona. That's selfish of you. 0:13:41.280 --> 0:13:43.160 You're not thinking of other people. You're thinking of yourself, 0:13:43.360 --> 0:13:45.360 and that's important. That's important, you know what I mean. 0:13:46.000 --> 0:13:49.840 I think there's a part of me that sees a 0:13:49.840 --> 0:13:53.120 little selfishness in other people, and I recognize it because 0:13:53.160 --> 0:13:56.040 of it within myself. I just I think as I 0:13:56.120 --> 0:13:59.439 get older, I'm starting to differentiate the kind of selfishness 0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:02.440 that I I'm looking for, and the kind of selfishness 0:14:02.480 --> 0:14:06.359 that I'm looking for is for your own personal development, 0:14:06.720 --> 0:14:08.800 you know what I mean? And your peace of mind? 0:14:09.240 --> 0:14:10.560 You know what I mean. Like if I invite you 0:14:10.559 --> 0:14:12.559 to a party and you're like, no, I got to 0:14:12.600 --> 0:14:14.720 take care of myself. I have an early class tomorrow 0:14:14.760 --> 0:14:17.480 and I want to take care of me. Fine, be 0:14:17.520 --> 0:14:19.880 a stick in the mud. Whatever. I'll see you on Friday. 0:14:20.760 --> 0:14:23.200 But if it's something where it's like if you're a 0:14:23.240 --> 0:14:26.040 man and I buy you a dress shirt and then 0:14:26.080 --> 0:14:28.760 you go on a date wearing it behind my back 0:14:28.800 --> 0:14:31.680 with somebody like that is a selfishness that like I 0:14:31.760 --> 0:14:36.320 can't unteach you, and I've had many exes that I've 0:14:36.400 --> 0:14:38.720 taken back. I'm never somebody to not give somebody a 0:14:38.760 --> 0:14:41.640 second chance, you know, Like I think that idea of 0:14:41.760 --> 0:14:43.360 like now he's going to be the person that I've 0:14:43.400 --> 0:14:45.440 always wanted him to be for somebody else has like 0:14:45.600 --> 0:14:50.200 plagued me a lot. And it's funny because they may 0:14:50.400 --> 0:14:53.640 have sworn up and down that they are different, and 0:14:53.680 --> 0:14:56.120 I might see some real differences. Maybe this person doesn't 0:14:56.160 --> 0:14:58.720 party anymore. Maybe this person doesn't drink anymore. Maybe this 0:14:58.800 --> 0:15:01.400 person you know, has proven to me time and time 0:15:01.440 --> 0:15:03.640 again they deleted their dating apps, whatever the fuck it is, 0:15:04.000 --> 0:15:07.000 you know. But there are certain ways that like selfishness 0:15:07.040 --> 0:15:10.560 creeps up in ways that you could never erase, like 0:15:10.640 --> 0:15:15.040 coming home with food and not asking you what you wanted. Oh, 0:15:15.920 --> 0:15:16.520 you know what I mean. 0:15:16.880 --> 0:15:17.880 It looks like a bomb. 0:15:18.000 --> 0:15:23.000 It's abominable, Yeah it is, yeah, Or like I talked 0:15:23.000 --> 0:15:26.640 about it on TikTok, like ordering food for everybody, like 0:15:26.680 --> 0:15:29.440 for you and him, and then like them not cleaning 0:15:29.520 --> 0:15:31.280 up and being okay with your place being a mess, 0:15:31.320 --> 0:15:34.800 Like there are little things that I'm like, it's too 0:15:34.840 --> 0:15:38.160 deep rooted. Or I've had friends also tell me like, 0:15:39.040 --> 0:15:41.240 oh my god, but like he's going to be this person, 0:15:41.920 --> 0:15:43.760 and I was like, you know, he might be terrible, 0:15:44.320 --> 0:15:46.280 but he deserves to be with somebody. Let's say he 0:15:46.280 --> 0:15:49.240 does change. He deserves to be with somebody that'll see 0:15:49.280 --> 0:15:52.320 him with fresh eyes. And you don't respect him anymore. 0:15:52.720 --> 0:15:55.440 You mom him, but you don't respect him. And I 0:15:55.480 --> 0:15:58.360 don't know if it's worth the paranoia of it, because 0:15:58.400 --> 0:16:01.240 for the rest of your life you're going to be 0:16:01.320 --> 0:16:04.000 wondering who is he at dinner with? Did he go 0:16:04.040 --> 0:16:06.160 to dinner? Why didn't he text me good night? Who 0:16:06.200 --> 0:16:09.000 is he with? Like those things are not worth it. 0:16:09.040 --> 0:16:11.440 So he could change, but he ruined it, you know 0:16:11.440 --> 0:16:12.600 what I mean, Like it doesn't matter. 0:16:19.280 --> 0:16:23.720 Today's episode is sponsored by Cotton the Fabric of our Lives. 0:16:24.240 --> 0:16:26.800 I have a question for you. Have you ever looked 0:16:26.840 --> 0:16:29.800 at the tag on your favorite T shirt? Not the 0:16:29.840 --> 0:16:33.760 size tag, the fabric tag. Because I learned something recently 0:16:33.920 --> 0:16:36.440 that surprised me. I think a lot about the food 0:16:36.480 --> 0:16:38.880 I eat, the products I put on my skin, the 0:16:39.040 --> 0:16:42.400 ingredients in my beauty products, even my cleaning products. You 0:16:42.440 --> 0:16:44.880 all know that about me. But I realized I had 0:16:44.960 --> 0:16:48.320 almost no idea what most of my clothes were actually 0:16:48.360 --> 0:16:52.120 made of. And then I learned that many synthetic fabrics 0:16:52.240 --> 0:16:55.640 are essentially plastic. I know, I had the same reaction 0:16:55.720 --> 0:16:58.360 as someone who basically lives out of a suitcase. I 0:16:58.400 --> 0:17:01.000 have a handful of things I wear over and over again. 0:17:01.520 --> 0:17:04.119 My favorite white T shirt, the pajamas I travel with, 0:17:04.160 --> 0:17:06.480 the matching sweatsuit I wear to the airport in back. 0:17:06.640 --> 0:17:09.440 And when I started checking the labels, I notice something. 0:17:09.840 --> 0:17:13.679 The pieces I reach for most often are cotton. They're comfortable, 0:17:13.800 --> 0:17:16.919 they're breathable, they feel good on my skin, and cotton 0:17:17.000 --> 0:17:20.160 is a natural fiber that doesn't shed microplastics when washed. 0:17:20.680 --> 0:17:23.240 It's one of those tiny pieces of information that changes 0:17:23.280 --> 0:17:26.679 how you shop forever, not in a dramatic way, just 0:17:26.960 --> 0:17:29.880 enough that now, whenever I'm buying something new, I check 0:17:29.920 --> 0:17:33.680 the label. Which brings me to this this plastic free July. 0:17:34.040 --> 0:17:36.840 Start with a simple habit. Check the label for cotton 0:17:37.240 --> 0:17:40.080 whether you're shopping for a new T shirt, summer dress, 0:17:40.200 --> 0:17:43.360 or fresh sheets, looking for cotton is an easy way 0:17:43.359 --> 0:17:47.000 to choose a natural fabric that does not shed microplastics. 0:17:47.520 --> 0:17:50.879 Cotton it's the fabric of our lives. Learn more at 0:17:50.920 --> 0:18:00.000 the fabricoourlives dot com. I want to ask you actually 0:18:00.119 --> 0:18:02.000 about you just said you mom, meet. 0:18:01.920 --> 0:18:03.720 Him, mommy, everybody. 0:18:04.040 --> 0:18:06.919 It's something that I've seen you talk about a lot 0:18:07.000 --> 0:18:09.560 you've said. I want to read the exact thing it 0:18:09.600 --> 0:18:12.360 says one of your deep posts on TikTok. You wrote, 0:18:12.560 --> 0:18:15.200 women are forced to face themselves, They're forced to parent 0:18:15.240 --> 0:18:17.679 their partners, and you feel like that's actually why a 0:18:17.680 --> 0:18:21.520 lot of your past partners have resented you. Yeah, I 0:18:21.560 --> 0:18:23.360 want to understand better what you mean. 0:18:24.040 --> 0:18:27.320 I think there is a moment in time where men 0:18:27.480 --> 0:18:29.840 think I want a woman just like my mom. 0:18:30.680 --> 0:18:32.680 I think that they almost all do subconsciously. 0:18:33.000 --> 0:18:36.440 Yeah, even it's a hater. Even if a hater, it's 0:18:36.480 --> 0:18:39.560 just a case of familiarity. Like maybe how people say, 0:18:39.600 --> 0:18:43.359 like you find your father and everyone. I don't know 0:18:43.359 --> 0:18:46.199 if that's necessarily true, but there are traits about my 0:18:46.280 --> 0:18:48.520 dad that I definitely look for. I don't you would 0:18:48.520 --> 0:18:50.959 never have to babysit my dad, for example, at a party, 0:18:51.720 --> 0:18:54.120 like he you can leave him to do his own thing, 0:18:54.200 --> 0:18:56.959 and people come back and they're like, what, he's so funny, 0:18:57.040 --> 0:18:58.480 you know what I mean? Like, my dad's that kind 0:18:58.480 --> 0:19:01.200 of guy. So I do look for that in other people. 0:19:02.080 --> 0:19:05.080 But I feel like there will always be a sense 0:19:05.200 --> 0:19:09.280 of she'll take care of it. And I feel like 0:19:09.320 --> 0:19:11.679 when I start, especially at a young age, if you 0:19:11.680 --> 0:19:14.320 start dating really young, you find yourself kind of falling 0:19:14.320 --> 0:19:17.240 into that, saying like how much Look how much easier 0:19:17.320 --> 0:19:20.040 your life could be if I was with you, Like, 0:19:20.080 --> 0:19:23.280 look how comfortable you are. And what I didn't realize 0:19:23.440 --> 0:19:27.239 is that men didn't see that as like, oh, I 0:19:27.240 --> 0:19:29.280 have to take care of this. Men saw that as 0:19:29.320 --> 0:19:32.840 a starting point where it's like, oh I don't even 0:19:32.880 --> 0:19:36.200 have to try, and look how good she is to me. Like, 0:19:36.840 --> 0:19:39.359 men did not see that as something that they had to, like, 0:19:39.400 --> 0:19:42.680 something precious that they had to like water and nurture. 0:19:43.160 --> 0:19:46.680 I just feel like that's important for them absolutely. 0:19:46.800 --> 0:19:49.480 Who doesn't want to be excused, who doesn't want to 0:19:49.520 --> 0:19:54.639 be like viciously babied viciously. I remember one time this 0:19:54.680 --> 0:19:57.040 person said to me, oh my god, you're just like 0:19:57.080 --> 0:19:59.120 my fucking mom. And I said, who the fuck wants 0:19:59.119 --> 0:20:04.000 to fuck their son? Like, shut the fuck up? You 0:20:04.040 --> 0:20:07.680 know so? And it's also like I'm also a fucking kid. 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:10.160 I'm the same age as you, or maybe like two 0:20:10.240 --> 0:20:12.359 years less. You don't think I want to be fucking 0:20:12.440 --> 0:20:16.600 babied beyond like taking me to dinner, Like I can 0:20:16.640 --> 0:20:19.120 take me to dinner. Right, I've shown time and time 0:20:19.160 --> 0:20:22.080 again how like comfortable I can make your life. You 0:20:22.080 --> 0:20:26.280 have shown me only the ways you've made my life harder. Yeah, 0:20:27.160 --> 0:20:30.480 you know so when I say, like mommying somebody, I 0:20:30.560 --> 0:20:34.560 mean like, are you okay? What do you need? See? 0:20:34.600 --> 0:20:38.880 I remembered, oh I love that. See I've remembered oh, 0:20:38.920 --> 0:20:42.359 you can count on me. And for some reason, I 0:20:42.359 --> 0:20:45.760 don't know if dependability is also like a muscle. I 0:20:45.800 --> 0:20:48.080 like to say confidence is like a muscle. I don't 0:20:48.080 --> 0:20:52.159 know if dependability or being a reliability is a muscle, 0:20:52.560 --> 0:20:53.679 but I for sure. 0:20:54.200 --> 0:20:55.719 I think it is. It's a habit. 0:20:56.440 --> 0:20:59.320 It is a habit. That quote how you do one 0:20:59.320 --> 0:21:02.240 thing is how you do everything drives me fucking nuts 0:21:02.560 --> 0:21:04.359 because if I showed you my apartment right now, you 0:21:04.359 --> 0:21:07.040 would think I was squatting. I have so many packages 0:21:07.320 --> 0:21:10.880 that a delivery guy, my Uber eats driver, said, happy moving. 0:21:10.920 --> 0:21:11.880 I've been here for two years. 0:21:12.440 --> 0:21:16.399 That's I sort of feel like that quote haunts me 0:21:16.440 --> 0:21:20.159 as well, because you're a person of excellence. I strive 0:21:20.240 --> 0:21:23.959 for Yeah, we all. I strive for excellence too. My 0:21:24.040 --> 0:21:27.600 life is not excellent in every area. It's impossible, right, 0:21:28.240 --> 0:21:30.240 So I hate that quote too. Did you also have 0:21:30.280 --> 0:21:33.040 an eating disorder? Yeah, when I was younger. Yeah, And 0:21:33.160 --> 0:21:38.560 infectionism is a drug. If I could put control into. 0:21:38.320 --> 0:21:42.320 A pipe, yeah, I would book it to the filter. Okay, 0:21:42.400 --> 0:21:45.440 but that's something else that my therapist told me about 0:21:45.440 --> 0:21:49.080 people who have eds. Instead of nourishing ourselves, we nourish 0:21:49.160 --> 0:21:52.400 others because at least then we're busy, you know, And 0:21:52.440 --> 0:21:53.640