WEBVTT - Lab 026: What About Your Friends? 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:02.960 Evite says the average American hasn't made a new friend 0:00:03.040 --> 0:00:04.160 in five years. 0:00:05.640 --> 0:00:08.600 I was going to be shocked at first, but true true. 0:00:11.119 --> 0:00:15.120 My first curiosity is when did evite jump into friendship research? 0:00:15.320 --> 0:00:17.840 People are still sending evites? I guess Oh. 0:00:17.920 --> 0:00:19.040 I hate when I get those. 0:00:19.320 --> 0:00:21.160 I can never open it. I click it in that 0:00:21.200 --> 0:00:24.160 little envelope be halfway flipping over and it don't flip 0:00:24.160 --> 0:00:25.560 all the way over. Frustrating. 0:00:26.880 --> 0:00:28.800 I'm just gonna call you and say, in thirty minutes, 0:00:30.160 --> 0:00:30.520 hop on. 0:00:30.600 --> 0:00:34.760 Zoom, that's the type of friend my friend Zekiya is. 0:00:37.040 --> 0:00:40.040 I'm t T and I'm Zachiah and from Spotify. This 0:00:40.080 --> 0:01:07.160 is dope labs. I feel like friendships are always being tested, 0:01:07.480 --> 0:01:10.280 but more so now because of quarantine. 0:01:10.680 --> 0:01:13.120 Yes, we know some of your friends partied on the 0:01:13.120 --> 0:01:14.680 fourth and now they want to come up to your house. 0:01:14.680 --> 0:01:16.200 So what you're gonna do. 0:01:16.600 --> 0:01:19.600 Y'all not coming to my house with your COVID shirts 0:01:19.600 --> 0:01:22.560 and your COVID pants and your COVID hands. I'm not 0:01:22.560 --> 0:01:23.360 not in my house. 0:01:23.920 --> 0:01:23.960 Not. 0:01:25.760 --> 0:01:27.440 Let me tell you. She is laying down the law, 0:01:27.480 --> 0:01:29.480 and it's firm. A couple of weeks ago, it was 0:01:29.520 --> 0:01:32.080 my birthday, she showed up and stood out there in 0:01:32.120 --> 0:01:34.920 the blazing hot sun, fifteen to twenty feet from my 0:01:35.040 --> 0:01:37.520 door with her mask on. I'm surprised you didn't have 0:01:37.520 --> 0:01:38.800 on goggles on top of your glasses. 0:01:39.520 --> 0:01:41.560 I'm not playing around. I don't want to get sick, 0:01:41.560 --> 0:01:43.319 and I don't want to get other people sick. I'm 0:01:43.360 --> 0:01:46.840 thinking about the global community. But that where y'all do 0:01:46.920 --> 0:01:47.600 not care. 0:01:47.640 --> 0:01:49.640 But you do care, and that's something that I love 0:01:49.680 --> 0:01:52.520 about you as a friend. This TT is the most 0:01:52.560 --> 0:01:57.320 caring a right. You need something to balance out because 0:01:57.320 --> 0:01:59.640 you know on the other side. 0:02:00.560 --> 0:02:07.840 Ruthless. Okay, I'm super excited about this episode today though, 0:02:07.880 --> 0:02:11.360 because we are talking all about friendship, and. 0:02:11.280 --> 0:02:13.280 I know friendship has been on some of y'all's minds 0:02:13.280 --> 0:02:16.919 because I see you subtweeting your subtweeting folks when Insecure 0:02:17.000 --> 0:02:17.160 is on. 0:02:17.600 --> 0:02:22.240 Yes, everybody's like, oh, I know a Molly, and I 0:02:22.280 --> 0:02:24.639 see a lot of people pointing fingers that Molly's in 0:02:24.680 --> 0:02:27.600 their lives. But it's so funny because none of y'all 0:02:27.639 --> 0:02:28.720 are saying, y'all are Molly. 0:02:28.800 --> 0:02:32.400 How is that possible? You gotta hold that mirror up 0:02:33.360 --> 0:02:40.680 and you gotta say self, y'all already know we're best friends, 0:02:40.840 --> 0:02:44.240 but for this episode, we wanted to hear from some 0:02:44.720 --> 0:02:46.280 other best friends too. 0:02:46.520 --> 0:02:49.320 So we brought in real life best friends and hosts 0:02:49.360 --> 0:02:52.560 of the podcast Call Your Girlfriend, Ann Friedman and Ami 0:02:52.600 --> 0:02:52.880 Na Tu. 0:02:52.960 --> 0:02:54.360 So. My name is Ann Friedman. 0:02:54.600 --> 0:02:55.600 I am Ami Not So. 0:02:55.919 --> 0:02:58.680 We co host the podcast Call Your Girlfriend, and we 0:02:58.800 --> 0:03:01.919 co wrote the book Friendship, How We Keep each Other Close. 0:03:02.320 --> 0:03:06.200 It's available July fourteenth wherever you buy books, but especially 0:03:06.240 --> 0:03:10.240 at your local indie bookshop, or please borrow it from 0:03:10.280 --> 0:03:11.240 your local library. 0:03:11.280 --> 0:03:12.040 I already read it. 0:03:12.200 --> 0:03:15.760 I already read it, and I have my hard copy 0:03:15.919 --> 0:03:16.480 pre ordered. 0:03:17.880 --> 0:03:20.280 You'll hear them chiming in throughout the episode with their 0:03:20.320 --> 0:03:22.440 own experiences and thoughts about friendship. 0:03:22.639 --> 0:03:27.680 Let's get into the recitation. So what do we know? 0:03:27.960 --> 0:03:31.000 Well, we know most people have friends. Now, those friends 0:03:31.080 --> 0:03:34.240 you have might range and likability, but they're there. 0:03:34.960 --> 0:03:38.040 Yeah, some friends are better than others, and some friendships 0:03:38.080 --> 0:03:39.800 are just for a season. 0:03:39.920 --> 0:03:45.000 And some friendships turned into a podcast. That's right, But 0:03:45.080 --> 0:03:46.200 what do we want to know? 0:03:46.600 --> 0:03:49.840 I feel like people use the term friend so loosely 0:03:49.880 --> 0:03:52.880 these days, so I want to know how do you 0:03:53.000 --> 0:03:55.400 define a friend like a real friend? 0:03:56.000 --> 0:03:58.040 Yeah, and what makes a good friend. 0:03:58.440 --> 0:04:03.800 Conflict is going to in every relationship, So how do 0:04:03.840 --> 0:04:06.720 you navigate those waters? And if you feel like you 0:04:06.800 --> 0:04:09.600 need to part ways with that friend, how do you 0:04:09.720 --> 0:04:10.240 break up? 0:04:10.960 --> 0:04:13.360 You know, I often hear humans or social creatures, but 0:04:13.640 --> 0:04:16.760 is that unique to us? You know my stance, We're 0:04:16.760 --> 0:04:20.680 all just animals, So is there evidence of friendship in 0:04:20.760 --> 0:04:21.480 other animals? 0:04:21.839 --> 0:04:24.919 And during this time in quarantine, when we're all in 0:04:25.000 --> 0:04:26.960 our houses and not able to meet up with our 0:04:26.960 --> 0:04:29.800 friends like we normally do, what do we do to 0:04:29.839 --> 0:04:34.040 combat those feelings of loneliness that we have because we're 0:04:34.080 --> 0:04:35.360 all separate. 0:04:35.600 --> 0:04:38.120 And we know we run't alone with these questions. And 0:04:38.279 --> 0:04:41.120 and Aminatu had the same questions while writing their. 0:04:41.000 --> 0:04:43.120 Book, and we know that you might have the same 0:04:43.240 --> 0:04:45.440 questions too, So let's jump into the dissection. 0:04:45.800 --> 0:04:48.919 Today's guest expert is doctor Marissa g. Franco. 0:04:49.120 --> 0:04:52.880 Hello, everybody, I'm doctor Borissa Gifranco. I am a psychologist 0:04:52.920 --> 0:04:54.159 and a friendship expert. 0:04:54.400 --> 0:04:57.039 We asked her all our questions about friendship and how 0:04:57.040 --> 0:04:59.400 to make the most of it. Let's dive right in 0:04:59.480 --> 0:05:01.880 and start with the basic definition of friendship. 0:05:02.920 --> 0:05:06.040 Mariam Webster says friendship is the state of being friends 0:05:06.320 --> 0:05:10.280 but that's not really helpful. What happened to not using 0:05:10.279 --> 0:05:11.479 a word to define another word? 0:05:11.520 --> 0:05:13.279 Did y'all learn that room, Mariam? 0:05:13.360 --> 0:05:20.720 That's exactly well, how does it define a friend? 0:05:21.320 --> 0:05:24.000 It says a friend is a person whom one knows 0:05:24.040 --> 0:05:27.240 and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, 0:05:27.800 --> 0:05:31.280 typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. 0:05:31.680 --> 0:05:34.400 But the rap group Houdini told us that the dictionary 0:05:34.480 --> 0:05:37.200 doesn't really know the meaning of friends, so we asked 0:05:37.360 --> 0:05:38.120 doctor Franco. 0:05:38.480 --> 0:05:40.719 But for me, personally, I feel like I define a 0:05:40.760 --> 0:05:49.000 friendship as a relationship where there's mutual love that rejuvenates 0:05:49.000 --> 0:05:49.880 it replenishes me. 0:05:50.160 --> 0:05:52.160 I mean not too and Anne explain the term that 0:05:52.200 --> 0:05:53.960 they coined, big friendship. 0:05:54.240 --> 0:05:57.120 I think we were really looking for a term that 0:05:57.320 --> 0:06:01.280 was not best friend and also, so you know, something 0:06:01.320 --> 0:06:05.320 beyond like bestie or BFF, which feels, you know, a 0:06:05.360 --> 0:06:08.400 little younger, like we're in an adult friendship with its 0:06:08.440 --> 0:06:13.920 own adult pros and cons, and big friendship felt like 0:06:14.680 --> 0:06:17.719 an important way of staking out some new language for 0:06:17.800 --> 0:06:22.479 the kind of long term, really mutually supportive and intimate 0:06:22.520 --> 0:06:25.360 friendship that we have. And it sounds like you all 0:06:25.400 --> 0:06:26.080 have too. 0:06:26.080 --> 0:06:27.680 So it's kind of like best friends, but in a 0:06:27.720 --> 0:06:30.599 suit all grown up. But what makes a good friend? 0:06:30.920 --> 0:06:33.320 Doctor Franco gave us three main things you should expect 0:06:33.360 --> 0:06:35.200 if you're looking for a good friend or want to 0:06:35.279 --> 0:06:35.680 be one. 0:06:36.400 --> 0:06:39.560 The first one is a good friend should be rooting 0:06:39.600 --> 0:06:39.880 for you. 0:06:40.160 --> 0:06:43.440 When we really become a friend with someone, we begin 0:06:43.520 --> 0:06:46.360 to incorporate them into our sense of our own identity. 0:06:46.600 --> 0:06:49.400 So what that means is that, like, if they feel hurt, 0:06:49.440 --> 0:06:51.880 we feel hurt. If they feel good, we feel good. 0:06:52.480 --> 0:06:55.640 The boundaries between ourselves and other people are emotionally decrease 0:06:55.839 --> 0:06:57.240 when we become friends with someone. 0:06:57.600 --> 0:07:01.599 The second thing is that there should be some shared vulnerability. 0:07:00.880 --> 0:07:03.919 Where you're sharing and revealing things about yourself and they're 0:07:03.960 --> 0:07:04.560 doing the same. 0:07:04.839 --> 0:07:07.880 And the third thing is that you guys support one another. 0:07:08.200 --> 0:07:10.600 I like to say that a friendship in general should 0:07:10.600 --> 0:07:12.920 be fifty to fifty in the book of the friendship, 0:07:13.280 --> 0:07:16.280 but each chapter will be different. In times of crisis, 0:07:16.760 --> 0:07:19.400 one friend might need a hundred while you're getting zero, 0:07:20.320 --> 0:07:22.000 and that's going to be shifting over time. 0:07:22.280 --> 0:07:25.600 That sounds good overall, but getting that balance just right 0:07:25.720 --> 0:07:26.440 can be tricky. 0:07:26.840 --> 0:07:30.840 Yeah, cause I'm sure some friends when you're given twenty 0:07:30.920 --> 0:07:33.880 five percent and they have to give seventy five percent. 0:07:34.200 --> 0:07:36.000 They might feel some type of way. 0:07:36.120 --> 0:07:38.920 Here's what Anne says about this, and I think that's 0:07:39.000 --> 0:07:39.920 generally true. 0:07:40.880 --> 0:07:43.240 But what's hard about it, like living it in real time, 0:07:43.360 --> 0:07:45.400 is like you don't know what the whole book is, 0:07:45.520 --> 0:07:47.560 Like you know, all you know is the chapter you're in, 0:07:47.560 --> 0:07:49.200 in the chapters that have come before. 0:07:49.920 --> 0:07:52.680 That is such a good point, Like when you think 0:07:52.680 --> 0:07:54.880 about it, how do you know when it's your turn 0:07:55.000 --> 0:07:57.480 to carry the heavy load or if you should just 0:07:57.600 --> 0:07:58.400 cut your losses. 0:07:58.640 --> 0:08:00.560 Sometimes that can feel like a lot of work for 0:08:00.640 --> 0:08:04.000 someone who's just a friend. But doctor Franco tells us 0:08:04.080 --> 0:08:08.400 that's exactly the problem framing it as just friendship. 0:08:08.520 --> 0:08:10.800 We need to give friendship more dignity. It's not an 0:08:10.880 --> 0:08:14.200 inferior form of a relationship. We shouldn't be asking people, 0:08:14.720 --> 0:08:16.520 you know, when are you gonna get married, When are 0:08:16.520 --> 0:08:18.240 you're going to get a husband? We should ask them 0:08:18.280 --> 0:08:21.440 like have you found community? Because that's what's most important, 0:08:21.560 --> 0:08:24.200 like that you feel a sense of belonging with other people. 0:08:24.560 --> 0:08:27.200 And the research shows us that these three points are 0:08:27.240 --> 0:08:30.400 important for friendships and romantic relationships. 0:08:30.760 --> 0:08:32.839 The research says that one of the best predictors of 0:08:32.880 --> 0:08:35.559 whether people stay together and are satisfied with their romantic 0:08:35.600 --> 0:08:39.720 relationships is whether they feel like they're friends with their partner. 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:41.200 So friendship does matter. 0:08:41.080 --> 0:08:45.240 And so friendship is actually part of what makes romantic 0:08:45.280 --> 0:08:48.080 relationships last, like the sense of I feel like you 0:08:48.120 --> 0:08:50.640 fully see me, I feel like I'm fully seen by you. 0:08:50.720 --> 0:08:52.360 I feel like we show up for another and support 0:08:52.400 --> 0:08:54.720 one another. All of those traits that we see in 0:08:54.720 --> 0:08:59.840 our friends are also what makes romance buzz and continue 0:08:59.840 --> 0:09:00.839 and be sustained. 0:09:01.280 --> 0:09:03.319 You already know how I feel about friendship. 0:09:03.480 --> 0:09:07.360 Yes, Zakia is how do I say this? Sakia is 0:09:07.400 --> 0:09:11.080 an intense friend. She's a all no friend. But in 0:09:11.160 --> 0:09:17.439 bold italics and underlined, well, just. 0:09:17.440 --> 0:09:20.280 For the record, we know friendship can literally change your life. 0:09:20.360 --> 0:09:23.520 Absolutely. My life would not be the same without Zekiah. 0:09:23.559 --> 0:09:26.959 We would not be doing this podcast if Zekiah were 0:09:26.960 --> 0:09:27.559 not my friend. 0:09:27.640 --> 0:09:29.640 Well, I've met more along the lines of what studies 0:09:29.640 --> 0:09:35.199 show us. But yeah, studies show us that friends improve 0:09:35.240 --> 0:09:38.120 your self confidence, your self worth, and help you cope 0:09:38.120 --> 0:09:41.760 with trauma and more. There's a correlation between a strong 0:09:41.880 --> 0:09:45.480 social support network and lower risk for health problems like depression, 0:09:45.720 --> 0:09:48.079 high blood pressure, and high BMI. 0:09:48.080 --> 0:09:51.640 So we're getting double the benefits friendship and health, but 0:09:51.840 --> 0:09:54.160 I mean not too says you still have to do 0:09:54.200 --> 0:09:56.960 the work to get your friendship to that point, and 0:09:57.040 --> 0:09:58.440 that can be tricky. 0:09:58.679 --> 0:10:01.560 There is not a lot of social support for how 0:10:01.600 --> 0:10:04.600 you're supposed to be in a friendship. I always feel 0:10:04.600 --> 0:10:06.920 awkward when I have friend drama in a way that 0:10:06.960 --> 0:10:09.360 I don't feel awkward when I have romantic drama. I'm 0:10:09.360 --> 0:10:10.760 always like, uh, I know how to deal with that, 0:10:11.400 --> 0:10:13.480 you know. I'm like, I have scripts for that, you know. 0:10:13.559 --> 0:10:16.120 I was like television says you like key their car, 0:10:16.280 --> 0:10:19.360 or you do that, you know, Not that I'm saying 0:10:19.400 --> 0:10:21.240 that that's what you're supposed to do. I just think 0:10:21.280 --> 0:10:25.440 that there's there's so much like visual imagery for like 0:10:25.520 --> 0:10:28.400 to represent a kind of internal turmoil that you can have. 0:10:28.880 --> 0:10:30.760 But like telling you a friend, Like if I got 0:10:30.760 --> 0:10:32.120 a text from a friend that was like we need 0:10:32.160 --> 0:10:35.120 to talk, I'm like, I am already halfway to Uganda. 0:10:35.160 --> 0:10:36.839 I'm like I'm out of here, Like I don't need 0:10:36.880 --> 0:10:37.400 to talk to. 0:10:37.360 --> 0:10:42.600 You, right. No one wants to have those awkward conversations, 0:10:42.880 --> 0:10:44.319 But after you have. 0:10:44.320 --> 0:10:46.160 Them, I feel like it makes you grow stronger. 0:10:46.400 --> 0:10:49.400 Yeah, it's like the whole Like pressure make Simon's things. 0:10:49.440 --> 0:10:52.040 I think that can also apply to friendship, like the 0:10:52.120 --> 0:10:54.199 hard times makes it more beautiful, We. 0:10:54.320 --> 0:10:57.160 Asked, I mean, not to an end, how to make 0:10:57.200 --> 0:10:59.400 friendship more official? So how do you get to the 0:10:59.400 --> 0:11:02.080 point where you and lockstep and just unbreakable? 0:11:02.280 --> 0:11:04.320 It feels weird to say, hey, friend, I know we 0:11:04.440 --> 0:11:06.760 just met, but are you ready to take this friendship 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:08.200 to the next level? 0:11:08.400 --> 0:11:11.959 Hearing you say that makes me think about a communications 0:11:11.960 --> 0:11:14.640 professor we interviewed who was saying that one of the 0:11:14.679 --> 0:11:17.319 hallmarks of friendships that last a long time is that 0:11:17.600 --> 0:11:20.720 they contain these assurances wherein you have said out loud 0:11:20.720 --> 0:11:23.000 to each other that hey, we want to be friends 0:11:23.040 --> 0:11:24.080 for a long time. 0:11:24.240 --> 0:11:29.520 This actually happened in Menzakia's friendship, where we said out loud, 0:11:29.840 --> 0:11:31.599 or Zekia said out loud that we were gonna be 0:11:31.679 --> 0:11:35.800 friends from friends forever. Minzekia had a disagreement. 0:11:35.840 --> 0:11:38.719 Do you remember what it was about? I have no clue. 0:11:38.800 --> 0:11:41.800 It was so long ago and I truly do not remember, 0:11:42.080 --> 0:11:43.920 but we had a disagreement. It was very early in 0:11:43.960 --> 0:11:49.520 our friendship, and you know me, I felt like, okay, well, 0:11:50.120 --> 0:11:53.120 we don't know each other that well, we've had this disagreement. 0:11:53.280 --> 0:11:57.560 That means we probably are not friends anymore. And so 0:11:58.520 --> 0:12:01.200 the next day I get at message from Zekiah and 0:12:01.240 --> 0:12:02.439 she's like, oh, come to my lab. 0:12:02.800 --> 0:12:04.480 Yeah, I mean why not. That's what we have been 0:12:04.520 --> 0:12:05.400 doing every day before that. 0:12:05.800 --> 0:12:08.160 And so I was like, well, dang, I guess she 0:12:08.240 --> 0:12:10.199 want to fight or something like she want to argue 0:12:10.200 --> 0:12:12.719 some more. I don't know. And so I went over 0:12:12.760 --> 0:12:17.120 there and I was like, hey, girl, what's up? Because 0:12:17.120 --> 0:12:19.679 I didn't know what to expect, and she don't stand offish, 0:12:19.880 --> 0:12:22.360 and she was like, girl, this happened. 0:12:22.400 --> 0:12:23.079 Da da dada da. 0:12:23.120 --> 0:12:24.560 Oh we need to do this, We need to do that, 0:12:24.640 --> 0:12:26.720 Da da da da, and just was acting like nothing happened. 0:12:26.720 --> 0:12:29.640 And I was like, oh, you know, I thought you 0:12:29.720 --> 0:12:33.160 were upset. I thought we weren't friends anymore. 0:12:33.320 --> 0:12:34.319 I was devastated. 0:12:34.760 --> 0:12:38.760 Zakia started crying. Well, if you know Zekiah, you know 0:12:38.800 --> 0:12:41.360 it really doesn't take much for her to her eyes 0:12:41.400 --> 0:12:43.200 to well up with tears. But she was just so 0:12:43.760 --> 0:12:46.839 she looked like she was blindsided. She was like, what 0:12:47.600 --> 0:12:49.400 we are friends forever? 0:12:50.559 --> 0:12:50.719 Now? 0:12:50.760 --> 0:12:52.920 You made me sound like a h This sounds like 0:12:52.960 --> 0:12:57.080 a hostage situation. It is it is someone help help. 0:13:00.480 --> 0:13:03.200 I think I just thought there was some permanence that 0:13:03.280 --> 0:13:06.760 I had conveyed, you know, And I think from that, 0:13:07.000 --> 0:13:09.679 I felt like I haven't said the things to make 0:13:09.720 --> 0:13:13.080 you feel safe and secure in this friendship. And so 0:13:13.280 --> 0:13:18.200 I decided right then with that, Pipette id wed to friendship. 0:13:21.160 --> 0:13:23.840 I do, I do. We all know friendship is good 0:13:23.840 --> 0:13:26.320 for us, So why do we keep hitting these stumbling 0:13:26.400 --> 0:13:28.160 box Why do we keep fumbling the bag? 0:13:28.480 --> 0:13:32.079 Yes, friendships are so complicated, but they are so important. 0:13:32.679 --> 0:13:34.640 And when we get back, we're going to talk about 0:13:34.720 --> 0:13:37.000 why you should prioritize your friendships and. 0:13:37.080 --> 0:13:55.960 How to navigate them. Once you do, we're back and 0:13:55.960 --> 0:13:58.200 we're ready to jump right into the peaks and valleys 0:13:58.240 --> 0:13:58.920 of friendship. 0:13:59.080 --> 0:14:01.880 Doctor Franco talked to us about how society has conditioned 0:14:01.960 --> 0:14:05.360 us to feel like our friendships are not important, but 0:14:05.559 --> 0:14:06.320 that's not true. 0:14:06.400 --> 0:14:08.760 Like the ways that we have our society is set up. 0:14:08.800 --> 0:14:12.120 It's actually like if you're not in a romantic relationship, 0:14:12.400 --> 0:14:14.679 you're at a disadvantage. Like there's all these privileges that 0:14:14.720 --> 0:14:17.559 are afforded to people who are in a romantic relationships 0:14:17.600 --> 0:14:20.160 that are not afforded to people that live a life 0:14:20.160 --> 0:14:21.640 of deep connection through friendship. 0:14:21.840 --> 0:14:22.960 Here's i'm Anato's tape. 0:14:23.040 --> 0:14:25.480 Yeah, I mean, and for me, it's like that is 0:14:25.480 --> 0:14:27.440 such a reality of my life. It's like my four 0:14:27.440 --> 0:14:29.920 oh one K recipient is a friend my the person 0:14:29.960 --> 0:14:33.280 who has my medical directive and power of attorney is 0:14:33.360 --> 0:14:36.800 my friend, you know. And every time it's you know, 0:14:37.040 --> 0:14:40.440 you're kind of at the mercy of what happens when 0:14:41.200 --> 0:14:43.960 you know, if someone challenges that policy directly, it's like 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:45.840 I can tell you that, like I have had friends 0:14:45.840 --> 0:14:48.160 come and visit me in the hospital and seeing like 0:14:48.280 --> 0:14:51.080 medical professionals kind of bristle a little bit at it, 0:14:51.120 --> 0:14:53.240 and I'm like, no, no, this is not just my friend, Like, 0:14:53.240 --> 0:14:56.520 this is my literal person that will like that is 0:14:56.560 --> 0:14:58.720 going to take care of you know, that's going to 0:14:58.760 --> 0:15:00.400 have to deal with a body if I don't come 0:15:00.400 --> 0:15:02.840 out of here alive. So you have to respect that bond. 0:15:03.240 --> 0:15:05.920 But I think that you're you're really identifying like all 0:15:05.960 --> 0:15:09.720 of the ways that you know, we minimize a really 0:15:09.760 --> 0:15:12.960 intense emotional relationship that we can have with someone because 0:15:13.040 --> 0:15:16.560 capitalism and society ultimately is shaped in a way where 0:15:17.880 --> 0:15:21.320 marriage just reigns. As you know, this this bond that 0:15:21.400 --> 0:15:24.080 is unbreakable, and I'm like, all I know is divorce people. 0:15:24.360 --> 0:15:29.120 So I was like, I like, the premise is flawed. 0:15:29.800 --> 0:15:33.480 All this sounds good, right, Me and Zakia have had 0:15:33.680 --> 0:15:39.800 a really great friendship, but we both have friends that 0:15:40.280 --> 0:15:45.000 are no longer our friends, and that is when it 0:15:45.000 --> 0:15:50.640 gets really difficult. So we wanted to know how to 0:15:50.760 --> 0:15:54.720 navigate the conflict waters with your friends. Yes, those are 0:15:54.800 --> 0:15:57.920 choppy waters, Hella, choppy, those are like hurricane in the 0:15:57.960 --> 0:15:59.760 middle of the ocean waters. 0:15:59.480 --> 0:16:03.880 Open pathtic conflict actually is related to having a deeper 0:16:03.920 --> 0:16:07.600 sense of friendship. But the reality is that friendship actually 0:16:07.600 --> 0:16:09.600 tends to be a relationship of things left up. Said, 0:16:09.680 --> 0:16:11.920 You're a lot less likely to mention a problem in 0:16:11.960 --> 0:16:14.840 a friendship than you are in a romantic relationship, and 0:16:14.880 --> 0:16:18.200 that's because I think people fear that if you bring 0:16:18.280 --> 0:16:22.200 something up, you know, because friendships we don't maybe have 0:16:22.280 --> 0:16:24.800 the same amount of time together as romantic relationships or 0:16:24.800 --> 0:16:27.440 even this formal meritive about they feel more fragile. And 0:16:27.480 --> 0:16:29.520 I think people have a lot of fear around engaging 0:16:29.520 --> 0:16:30.680 in conflict because of that. 0:16:31.080 --> 0:16:32.920 And I think that's true. I've heard of a lot 0:16:32.960 --> 0:16:36.200 of people including myself, who just kind of stopped talking 0:16:36.200 --> 0:16:38.800 to folks and don't bring up what the problem is 0:16:38.840 --> 0:16:40.640 and just say we're just not friends anymore. We had 0:16:40.680 --> 0:16:42.920 a falling out, we grew apart or whatever. 0:16:43.280 --> 0:16:45.560 I feel like if I'm not close with someone, it's 0:16:45.640 --> 0:16:48.360 much easier for me to say this is what's wrong, 0:16:48.480 --> 0:16:50.880 this is what's bothering me. But for my close friends, 0:16:51.520 --> 0:16:54.640 I know that when I'm upset, nobody wants to hear 0:16:54.680 --> 0:16:56.960 those words. And I don't want to say anything that 0:16:57.000 --> 0:16:59.200 I don't mean, and so I just wait and wait, 0:16:59.240 --> 0:17:00.920 and I'm like, when are you When do you feel 0:17:00.920 --> 0:17:03.640 like you've really got it just down to a tee? 0:17:04.640 --> 0:17:07.159 And by that time I look like a crazy person. 0:17:08.800 --> 0:17:13.679 Five years ago, thirty seven weeks ago, on a Tuesday, you. 0:17:13.560 --> 0:17:16.480 Said, and I'm like, what did I say? 0:17:18.800 --> 0:17:22.639 No, we could all use some tips on getting a 0:17:22.680 --> 0:17:24.480 conversation started when there's conflict. 0:17:24.640 --> 0:17:26.320 Like, it's not something that you learn when you're six 0:17:26.440 --> 0:17:27.840 years old and then you just you know how to 0:17:27.840 --> 0:17:29.239 be a good friend. It's like some people are good 0:17:29.240 --> 0:17:31.200 friends and some people are not. I'm like, no, it's 0:17:31.280 --> 0:17:35.080 just you have to constantly You were constantly challenged as 0:17:35.119 --> 0:17:35.920 a person. 0:17:35.800 --> 0:17:38.439 Doctor Franco says that there is a best way to 0:17:39.560 --> 0:17:42.439 enter into conflict with your friend, and it's based on 0:17:42.480 --> 0:17:47.240 a theory called reciprocity theory, and it's basically the idea 0:17:47.280 --> 0:17:50.359 that people respond to you how you talk to them. 0:17:50.920 --> 0:17:53.080 So if you're kind to them, they're likely to be 0:17:53.160 --> 0:17:56.960 kind in return, and if you nice and nasty, they're 0:17:57.000 --> 0:17:58.880 gonna be nice and nasty back. 0:17:59.000 --> 0:18:02.199 First thing you need to do is you need to 0:18:02.920 --> 0:18:06.800 be able to enter into this conversation from a place 0:18:06.960 --> 0:18:10.240 of empathy and perspective taking. And if you feel really 0:18:10.280 --> 0:18:13.200 angry and stressed out, then that is not the time 0:18:13.200 --> 0:18:15.800 to enter the conversation. So first you need to get 0:18:15.840 --> 0:18:17.360 your mind and your energy ready right. 0:18:17.560 --> 0:18:20.040 So, if we're thinking about the whole conflict with Molly 0:18:20.040 --> 0:18:24.679 and Lisa, Molly could have really used these steps to 0:18:24.760 --> 0:18:27.800 help her talk to Lisa in a way that could 0:18:27.800 --> 0:18:29.880 have preserved their friendship and they could have been back 0:18:29.880 --> 0:18:33.280 on track a lot sooner. So first Molly could have 0:18:33.280 --> 0:18:36.200 been like, let me not assume the worst of her. 0:18:37.320 --> 0:18:39.639 This is my friend, We've been friends for so long. 0:18:40.480 --> 0:18:43.879 Let me come into the space with my heart open 0:18:44.240 --> 0:18:45.520 and ready to forgive. 0:18:45.880 --> 0:18:49.399 Then you open up the conflict with a sentence that 0:18:49.520 --> 0:18:53.400 is welcoming and inviting and affirms the value of the friendship. 0:18:53.440 --> 0:18:55.199 So I think with my friend, I said something like, 0:18:55.960 --> 0:18:57.879 I love you. Our friendship is so important to me, 0:18:57.960 --> 0:18:59.600 which is why I want to make sure that I'm 0:18:59.600 --> 0:19:01.959 expressed things that are weighing on me so that they 0:19:01.960 --> 0:19:04.080 don't get into the way of our bond. So that's 0:19:04.119 --> 0:19:06.480 a lot better than you know, we need to talk 0:19:06.640 --> 0:19:07.639 because I'm pissed. 0:19:08.880 --> 0:19:11.639 So Molly could have just said, Lisa, we've been friends 0:19:11.640 --> 0:19:14.040 for a really long time and there's something that has 0:19:14.080 --> 0:19:16.199 been on my mind. It's been weighing on me, and 0:19:16.280 --> 0:19:18.000 I just got to get it off my chest because 0:19:18.000 --> 0:19:19.280 I love you and I don't want it to get 0:19:19.320 --> 0:19:20.600 in the way of our friendship. 0:19:20.720 --> 0:19:22.960 I love that this does not feel like an argument. 0:19:23.040 --> 0:19:25.680 Then what you do is you share your internal world. 0:19:25.880 --> 0:19:27.880 You don't tell them about what they did. You tell 0:19:27.920 --> 0:19:30.320 them about they how what they did affected you. And 0:19:30.359 --> 0:19:32.359 that's what you share. You share that vulnerability because the 0:19:32.440 --> 0:19:35.880 vulnerability is what brings people's guards down and welcomes them 0:19:35.920 --> 0:19:39.119 to be vulnerable too. After you share your vulnerability, I 0:19:39.280 --> 0:19:41.560 statements not you, statements not you did a horrible thing 0:19:41.760 --> 0:19:44.359