1 00:00:03,279 --> 00:00:06,560 Speaker 1: Welcome to Stuff Mom Never Told You from House Supports 2 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:14,760 Speaker 1: dot Com. Hello, welcome to the podcast. I'm Kristen and 3 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:19,200 Speaker 1: I'm Caroline. And since this is unofficially wedding week or officially, 4 00:00:19,239 --> 00:00:22,840 Speaker 1: should we say officially totally officially, Yeah, it's officially wedding 5 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:26,280 Speaker 1: week on Stuff Mom Never Told You because this is 6 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:29,000 Speaker 1: the beginning of June, which is also the beginning of 7 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:33,120 Speaker 1: wedding season. That's right. And earlier in the week we 8 00:00:33,159 --> 00:00:37,600 Speaker 1: talked about gay weddings, and today we have a fantastic 9 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:41,280 Speaker 1: interview to share with you from the writer Jen Doll, 10 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:48,120 Speaker 1: who recently published a hilarious memoir called Save the Date. Yeah. 11 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:51,320 Speaker 1: Her book actually stemmed out of a post on The 12 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:54,640 Speaker 1: Hairpin a couple of years ago where she basically recounted 13 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:57,560 Speaker 1: all of the weddings she had attended. And I read 14 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:00,120 Speaker 1: it in awe because I mean, I've I've been to 15 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:04,520 Speaker 1: a good chunk of weddings, but nowhere near the number 16 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:08,160 Speaker 1: that she has attended. Yeah, she's been too. I think 17 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:12,839 Speaker 1: there were seventeen listed in that Hairpin post, and she's 18 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:16,000 Speaker 1: been to even more than that. And so in the interview, 19 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:19,120 Speaker 1: one of the first questions I asked her is how 20 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:22,440 Speaker 1: she's managed to go to so many weddings. Um, do 21 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:26,720 Speaker 1: you remember the first wedding you went to? Caroline? Oh? Gosh, Um, 22 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:30,920 Speaker 1: probably my uncle No. Oh, No, I was the flower 23 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:36,280 Speaker 1: girl for the wedding of um We. We grew up 24 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:39,520 Speaker 1: next to a Greek family in Marietta, or I grew 25 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,240 Speaker 1: up next to a Greek family and I was their 26 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:43,880 Speaker 1: flower girl for one of their daughters. And it's funny 27 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:46,520 Speaker 1: because you know, everybody in the entire church had really 28 00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:48,760 Speaker 1: dark hair, and I was here's like this little blonde 29 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:52,000 Speaker 1: girl walking down the aisle, you know, throwing flowers out, 30 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:55,200 Speaker 1: and people are like, who did she belong to? But 31 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,880 Speaker 1: you didn't care? But I didn't care. No, But yeah, 32 00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:00,480 Speaker 1: that was That was my first wedding experience. The first 33 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:04,160 Speaker 1: one that I remember was when my oldest brother, who's 34 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,200 Speaker 1: significantly older than I am, got married and I was 35 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:12,280 Speaker 1: a bridesmaid. And it felt like prom for me because 36 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,560 Speaker 1: there was the whole process of getting fitted for a 37 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:18,079 Speaker 1: dress and doing hair and getting to walk down the 38 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:21,840 Speaker 1: aisle with my very cute soon to be sister in 39 00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:25,640 Speaker 1: laws a younger brother. Saought it was a very big deal, 40 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:29,800 Speaker 1: the only downside of which was that it happened in 41 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 1: August in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and thus it was a 42 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:37,960 Speaker 1: swamp outside, hot swamp. My mother says, I'm not allowed 43 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,720 Speaker 1: to get married in the summer. Yeah, because she'll be 44 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,400 Speaker 1: too hot. Yeah, that's the funny thing about how many 45 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:46,240 Speaker 1: summer weddings there are. It's just I've sat at an 46 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:51,919 Speaker 1: outdoor wedding in Atlanta in July and melted. Yeah, I 47 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:53,959 Speaker 1: remember coming in. It was in June. It was a 48 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:55,880 Speaker 1: June outdoor wedding a couple of years ago, and I 49 00:02:55,919 --> 00:02:59,480 Speaker 1: came in completely sunburned. Thanks a lot. Well, I probably does. 50 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:01,480 Speaker 1: My fault should have put on sunscreen. Let's be real. 51 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:05,119 Speaker 1: Let's be real. Well, and since speaking of real, let's 52 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:09,520 Speaker 1: toss that a few relevant wedding season statistics, because Jen 53 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:13,239 Speaker 1: dolls memoirs Save the Date is all about her experience 54 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:17,320 Speaker 1: as being a wedding guest. So for a few numbers 55 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:20,959 Speaker 1: to kick things off in the two thousand thirteen wedding season, 56 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:24,440 Speaker 1: according to the Wedding Site, than not the average number 57 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:28,200 Speaker 1: of wedding guests hundred and thirty eight. Really big wedding 58 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,720 Speaker 1: is it? I have no I have no concept that 59 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:34,200 Speaker 1: feels like a lot to me. Yeah, I well, I 60 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,160 Speaker 1: know that one thirty eight is probably low compared to 61 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:40,080 Speaker 1: some people out there, or it feels low compared to 62 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:42,000 Speaker 1: some people out there who I know. For instance, my 63 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:44,880 Speaker 1: friend her in laws got kind of carried away with 64 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:46,960 Speaker 1: the guest list, so I think she wanted more like 65 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,800 Speaker 1: a hundred and thirty eight, but I think ended up 66 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:53,640 Speaker 1: with closer to three. Who who I know. Well, well, 67 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,600 Speaker 1: so you have to spend a lot of money for 68 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,120 Speaker 1: all of those guests and all of that fun time 69 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,840 Speaker 1: that you're having. But if you're do in in Manhattan, 70 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,880 Speaker 1: which is the most expensive place to get married, you're 71 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:06,560 Speaker 1: going to spend an average of eighty six thousand, nine 72 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:11,800 Speaker 1: hundred and sixteen dollars. That's nuts. That's nuts, um. And 73 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:16,600 Speaker 1: apparently one of the trends of late is that spending 74 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:21,160 Speaker 1: on your wedding guests is increasing. So well, maybe part 75 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,920 Speaker 1: of the explanation for that eighty six thousand dollar tab 76 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:27,840 Speaker 1: in Manhattan at least is the fact that spending on 77 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:32,679 Speaker 1: wedding guests is going up. So not only are people 78 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:34,800 Speaker 1: who are getting married spending a lot of money on 79 00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:38,760 Speaker 1: a venue and dresses and texas, but now it's also 80 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:44,000 Speaker 1: guest entertainment. Apparently, in two thousand thirteen couples spent an 81 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:48,440 Speaker 1: average two two dollars per guest. Yeah, and this whole 82 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:52,920 Speaker 1: guest entertainment category is apparently growing at at rapid speed. 83 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:57,760 Speaker 1: In nearly one and three couples provided additional guest entertainment, 84 00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,320 Speaker 1: compared with just eleven percent in two thousand line. So 85 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:04,799 Speaker 1: is this like, does this include the favors, the band, 86 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:08,479 Speaker 1: the I don't know. That's what I'm thinking, And I'm 87 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,080 Speaker 1: just gonna go ahead and throw this out there, Caroline, 88 00:05:11,839 --> 00:05:14,920 Speaker 1: for people listening who might be planning a wedding, if 89 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:18,080 Speaker 1: you want to integrate a live podcast or a fee 90 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:23,720 Speaker 1: into your guest entertainment, we will come. I I work 91 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,040 Speaker 1: for food, I do know. I will work for food 92 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:29,560 Speaker 1: and cash wants. Or maybe if we could just do 93 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,720 Speaker 1: like a blind selection of one of the gifts on 94 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:36,359 Speaker 1: the wedding gifts, Yeah, we could totally. We could totally 95 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:40,159 Speaker 1: do that, so just let us know. But more importantly, 96 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:43,040 Speaker 1: I'm really excited to share this interview that I got 97 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,440 Speaker 1: to do with jendall Um. There is, by the way, 98 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:49,360 Speaker 1: some some background noise because we actually chatted outside at 99 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:54,360 Speaker 1: a cafe in Fort Green. Um. And so don't mind 100 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:56,760 Speaker 1: the noise too much, folks. It's it's not too bad, 101 00:05:56,839 --> 00:06:00,960 Speaker 1: but just it's more like an outdoor podcast. Yeah, like 102 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:04,240 Speaker 1: like we're all together outside at a cafe. Yeah. And 103 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:07,159 Speaker 1: I just like, close your eyes and picture Kristen and 104 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:11,520 Speaker 1: Jendall surrounded by hundreds of podcast listeners just staring at them, 105 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:15,599 Speaker 1: just staring at us, not creepily at all. So, with 106 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:19,240 Speaker 1: no further ado, ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce 107 00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:26,800 Speaker 1: you to Jen Doll so Gendall. For people who aren't 108 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:31,480 Speaker 1: aware of Save the Date and your Wedding attended tabit. 109 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:34,560 Speaker 1: How many weddings have you been to? Just to start 110 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:39,360 Speaker 1: off at this point, I've been to approximately thirty um, 111 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:43,080 Speaker 1: and I think there could be more that I don't remember, 112 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:46,400 Speaker 1: but thirty are the ones that I can actually count. Um. 113 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:50,800 Speaker 1: The book deals with seventeen weddings because I joked that 114 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:52,520 Speaker 1: like otherwise I would have been writing the War in 115 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,159 Speaker 1: piece of weddings like that was in page book. We 116 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,040 Speaker 1: had to cut some of them out to make it, 117 00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:01,039 Speaker 1: you know, a narrative arc that people could actually read 118 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:03,440 Speaker 1: and not have to carry around like some sort of 119 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:08,640 Speaker 1: giant home. So how does one go about getting invited 120 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:12,679 Speaker 1: to the wedding and also not experience the wedding pictinue 121 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,200 Speaker 1: because it seems like in a book you don't reach 122 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:18,800 Speaker 1: a point of wedding exhaustion or bankruptcy related to having 123 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,800 Speaker 1: to buy some many wedding gifts, right, I mean, I 124 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:25,400 Speaker 1: guess to some extent, you know, for me, my my 125 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:28,680 Speaker 1: feeling about weddings changed as I kept going to weddings 126 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:33,160 Speaker 1: in my lifetime, and some of the bankruptcy stuff that 127 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:36,280 Speaker 1: maybe I should have thought about more early on in 128 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,560 Speaker 1: my wedding going life wasn't an issue for me. I 129 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:41,160 Speaker 1: was not that I didn't not that I had unlimited funds, 130 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,480 Speaker 1: but simply that I thought if I was invited to 131 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,600 Speaker 1: a wedding, I should go to a wedding, and it 132 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:48,040 Speaker 1: was such an important thing and I would never miss 133 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,720 Speaker 1: any of these friends weddings. UM. Later I started to realize, 134 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:54,560 Speaker 1: I'm like, I wish maybe someone had told me back then, 135 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,840 Speaker 1: you don't have to actually go to every wedding you're 136 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,400 Speaker 1: invited to. UM. There are some that maybe you should 137 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:02,840 Speaker 1: pass up for various reasons, But at the time I 138 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,600 Speaker 1: just went to all of them, and I thirty weddings 139 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,760 Speaker 1: in a lifetime. Really isn't even the highest number of 140 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:09,920 Speaker 1: weddings I think people go to. I've talked to people 141 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,320 Speaker 1: now who were like, I've been invited to thirteen this year, 142 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,600 Speaker 1: and I've been to twenty five and I'm twenty three, 143 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:18,320 Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh my goodness. So I'm definitely not 144 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,600 Speaker 1: the Guinness Book of World record holder for the most 145 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:26,200 Speaker 1: wedding attendances. But I do think that I've felt so 146 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:28,880 Speaker 1: many different emotions at all of the weddings I've been to, 147 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:32,680 Speaker 1: and also I have gone to them in many different states, 148 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:35,800 Speaker 1: you know, states of life, like as an unemployed person 149 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,760 Speaker 1: in my thirties, and as a person without a boyfriend, 150 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:41,080 Speaker 1: and as a person with a boyfriend bringing the boyfriend, 151 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:44,160 Speaker 1: and and I just really thought about how it makes 152 00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:46,160 Speaker 1: such a difference. You know, every wedding you to go 153 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:47,839 Speaker 1: to is different because of the state you're in and 154 00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:50,600 Speaker 1: the age you're in and the things you're feeling. Yeah, well, 155 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:55,440 Speaker 1: speaking of sort of the emotional experience that is wedding attendance, 156 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,199 Speaker 1: one thing that jumped out to me when I was 157 00:08:57,240 --> 00:09:00,559 Speaker 1: reading the book was when you say that we're vulnerable 158 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,679 Speaker 1: at weddings, So I was wondering if you could talk 159 00:09:02,679 --> 00:09:05,400 Speaker 1: a little bit about that and how weddings in particular 160 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:09,040 Speaker 1: make us kind of vulnerable. I think of it as 161 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:12,160 Speaker 1: like prom for adults, um. And it's one of the 162 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:16,520 Speaker 1: few times in adult life that we get to repeat 163 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:21,280 Speaker 1: these um, really orchestrated, formalized affairs and we dress up 164 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:26,120 Speaker 1: and photos are taken and it's very important. It happens 165 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:29,640 Speaker 1: less regularly than a birthday maybe, um and but it's 166 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:32,880 Speaker 1: and they're always different. And I just think when we're 167 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:36,839 Speaker 1: going to these things where love and romance and togetherness 168 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,320 Speaker 1: and a spirit of bonding not just with a couple 169 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:42,480 Speaker 1: but of the entire group of people there, um, we 170 00:09:42,559 --> 00:09:46,640 Speaker 1: can't help but feeling really heightened emotional states at the 171 00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:49,960 Speaker 1: same time. And it's all very dramatic. It's like the 172 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,160 Speaker 1: Oscars or a movie or you know, stuff like that. 173 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:56,120 Speaker 1: So we feel vulnerable because when we see people doing 174 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:59,360 Speaker 1: this thing, we think about where we are in life too, 175 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,520 Speaker 1: and maybe we don't measure up. And I think it's 176 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:06,320 Speaker 1: very hard ever to feel like you've quite done it. 177 00:10:06,559 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 1: You're you've got there, You're great now, You're there's nothing 178 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:13,120 Speaker 1: wrong with your life, there's nothing more you want Um, 179 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,960 Speaker 1: the funny thing is, I'm sure that people who are 180 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,920 Speaker 1: getting married feel the same way. It's not that just 181 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,920 Speaker 1: getting married means suddenly you're there and everything you've ever 182 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,960 Speaker 1: wanted has been a tie. If you keep wanting things, 183 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:25,640 Speaker 1: you keep growing. You're vulnerable as humans because you have 184 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:28,840 Speaker 1: desires and emotions and you know you're living life and 185 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,520 Speaker 1: life is complicated. So but I do think that weddings 186 00:10:31,559 --> 00:10:35,360 Speaker 1: presented this really interesting ecosystem upon which to lay out 187 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:38,320 Speaker 1: the different emotions that we feel, and our vulnerability is 188 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,600 Speaker 1: to know whether it's that we just broke up with 189 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,959 Speaker 1: someone and now we have to go to a wedding 190 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:45,680 Speaker 1: and we feel really complicated about that and possibly fraught, 191 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:50,880 Speaker 1: and possibly we're gonna get really drunk. There's definitely the 192 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:55,560 Speaker 1: benefit to the open bar aspect. But yeah, Um, one 193 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:58,000 Speaker 1: of speaking of those like fraught emotions that can come 194 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:02,040 Speaker 1: up with weddings, one of the most heartbreaking anecdotes in 195 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:05,240 Speaker 1: a way was about your friendship with Jenny, who ended 196 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:07,480 Speaker 1: up wearing a guy that you really didn't like. And 197 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:11,800 Speaker 1: I think from my conversations with girlfriends as we get older, 198 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:15,640 Speaker 1: it's kind of a common thing of girls sort of 199 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:17,760 Speaker 1: you know, hang in for the long term with guys 200 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,360 Speaker 1: that we don't think you're the best for them, right, So, 201 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:25,160 Speaker 1: looking back now on your experience with that, what's your 202 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,240 Speaker 1: advice when you know you're supposed to celebrate their love 203 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,520 Speaker 1: but you are an exactly a fan of it. Yeah, 204 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:33,040 Speaker 1: this was like probably the hardest thing to write about. 205 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:37,120 Speaker 1: I was much more comfortable writing about my mistakes, my 206 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:40,840 Speaker 1: drunken mistakes, my foibles. And I was writing about this 207 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:45,560 Speaker 1: friendship that I lost because, um, friends are some of 208 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,880 Speaker 1: the most important people we have in our lives, you know, 209 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:52,040 Speaker 1: sometimes more than romantic partners, um. And we don't expect 210 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:55,600 Speaker 1: to lose friends, yet inevitably, in growing up we grow 211 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:58,679 Speaker 1: apart with some of them. And I included that part 212 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,240 Speaker 1: of the book because it is to me a universal thing. 213 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:04,960 Speaker 1: I'm maybe not all of us have been have lost 214 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,439 Speaker 1: friends through the people they've married, but I think all 215 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:09,960 Speaker 1: of us have had an experience with a friendship where 216 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:14,040 Speaker 1: we've grown apart because of a romantic relationship on one 217 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,400 Speaker 1: side or the other. And we don't always love our 218 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:21,840 Speaker 1: friends husbands or boyfriends. UM. And so in writing about it, 219 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:24,960 Speaker 1: you know, I really wanted to get across how it 220 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:28,400 Speaker 1: made me feel and I think that what I should 221 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,400 Speaker 1: have done differently, you know, kind of like as a 222 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,920 Speaker 1: lesson to people, maybe if they read about it, they'll 223 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,160 Speaker 1: feel a little better about what has happened to them 224 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:39,360 Speaker 1: as well. But also um that that honesty is such 225 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:42,400 Speaker 1: an important thing, you know, you hear that it's kind 226 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:46,520 Speaker 1: of like whip service, But like, really, when people are 227 00:12:46,559 --> 00:12:50,679 Speaker 1: heading into these grand events in life and and weddings, 228 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,840 Speaker 1: we tend to think that we're supposed to just stop 229 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:57,120 Speaker 1: talking about anything bad. Um And I think for me, 230 00:12:57,240 --> 00:13:01,160 Speaker 1: it was very difficult to oppressed the stuff that I 231 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:05,360 Speaker 1: knew and to not address it. And I wish that 232 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,320 Speaker 1: we had just found a way to communicate about it, 233 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,079 Speaker 1: because I think that would have helped immeasurably. Maybe we 234 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,200 Speaker 1: would have grown apart anyway. But there was a kind 235 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:14,640 Speaker 1: of like repression of the feelings and the story, you know, 236 00:13:14,679 --> 00:13:17,160 Speaker 1: like we weren't talking about the same stuff anymore that 237 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:20,319 Speaker 1: had really sustained our friendship and being honest with each 238 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:24,199 Speaker 1: other and talking about our our relationship difficulties. It was 239 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,839 Speaker 1: like that all got covered up because there was this 240 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:29,400 Speaker 1: wedding on the horizon. And I just think it's important 241 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:31,960 Speaker 1: to keep talking about those things in as honest and 242 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:35,480 Speaker 1: kind way as possible, and also not to just get 243 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:38,520 Speaker 1: really drunk and then start to address it, because that's 244 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,640 Speaker 1: never going to go well. Like don't address it at 245 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:44,120 Speaker 1: the wedding, which is something that I kind of did, um, 246 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,120 Speaker 1: but but really try to like be upfront about what 247 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,400 Speaker 1: you're feeling and then also what your friend is feeling 248 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:51,920 Speaker 1: and acknowledge that we're different people and we can feel 249 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:56,120 Speaker 1: different things and we can choose different partners. Um, we 250 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,679 Speaker 1: can't decide who are friends Mary, but we can at 251 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:02,960 Speaker 1: least decide how we're going to behave with regard to 252 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,679 Speaker 1: that and like whether these friendships are worth keeping and 253 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:08,280 Speaker 1: how we want to try to do that. And So 254 00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:10,440 Speaker 1: for someone who's now, you know, you've been to so 255 00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:15,360 Speaker 1: many weddings, so we also hear so much about weddings, marriage, 256 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:19,360 Speaker 1: the wedding industrial complex sort of how do you square 257 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,280 Speaker 1: the two? Is it's like fine to have these like 258 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:27,120 Speaker 1: indulgent celebrations of ourselves. Where are we reinforcing the patriarchy? 259 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:30,120 Speaker 1: Where's the line of that? Yeah? I think the line 260 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,360 Speaker 1: is really blurry, and I think we have to the 261 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,680 Speaker 1: most feminist thing we can do is make the decisions 262 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:40,560 Speaker 1: for ourselves as fully aware, autonomous, independent, smart people. Um. 263 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:43,760 Speaker 1: I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a grand wedding. 264 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:47,080 Speaker 1: But if you're simply going through the motions because you 265 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,360 Speaker 1: think that this is something that you're supposed to do 266 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,360 Speaker 1: and you're not really being self aware about it, I 267 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:54,720 Speaker 1: think that's a problem. I think you could be a 268 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:58,880 Speaker 1: problem for your relationship too. But UM, I think it's 269 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,680 Speaker 1: hard because one of the chapters in the book that 270 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:04,640 Speaker 1: really addressed this was about my parents marriage and about 271 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:08,840 Speaker 1: why they got married, and about how marriage and weddings 272 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,880 Speaker 1: have changed from the time that they got married to now, um, 273 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:17,320 Speaker 1: and how it's become less of unexpected. You know, you 274 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:20,560 Speaker 1: don't have to get married um. And especially if you're 275 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:24,440 Speaker 1: a woman or a man living in like an urban area, 276 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,880 Speaker 1: you're probably getting married a lot later than your parents 277 00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:31,119 Speaker 1: got married and you can do those things and the judgments. 278 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:33,360 Speaker 1: You know, maybe there's some stigma and people are still 279 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,160 Speaker 1: being like, oh, what's wrong with her, she's not married, 280 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:39,000 Speaker 1: she's thirty eight, But like, it's far less than it 281 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:41,160 Speaker 1: ever was, and you do have the freedom to choose. 282 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:45,200 Speaker 1: So I think that to be a strong feminist you 283 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:50,240 Speaker 1: need to actively choose um and do the things that 284 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,840 Speaker 1: you think are going to be good for you. Um. 285 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:56,720 Speaker 1: I also think that if you're having a wedding and 286 00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,280 Speaker 1: you have single women who are attending your wedding, like, 287 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:04,400 Speaker 1: be careful about the bouquet toss because it does seem 288 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:08,800 Speaker 1: to perpetuate certain stereotypes about how we all want this thing, 289 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,120 Speaker 1: and maybe we don't all want this thing, and certainly 290 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:13,479 Speaker 1: we don't all want to like grapple for some flowers 291 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,200 Speaker 1: that were thrown at us. I mean it's like maybe 292 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:21,560 Speaker 1: the most undignified tradition that it still carries through. Although 293 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:25,400 Speaker 1: which is worse the garter belt, oh god, or the flowers. 294 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,320 Speaker 1: The garter belt might be worse because it's so sexualized. 295 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:34,560 Speaker 1: But also, I mean maybe I approve that more because 296 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,960 Speaker 1: it's like, yeah, for surely the bride and groom are 297 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:40,240 Speaker 1: probably going to have sex. That's great, um, But like 298 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:43,320 Speaker 1: the bouquet toss and the assumption that this is the 299 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:47,200 Speaker 1: pinnacle of what a woman's life should be, so we're 300 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:48,840 Speaker 1: all going to fight for this bouquet to be the 301 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:53,240 Speaker 1: next to go down that aisle is to me rather demeaning. 302 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:55,800 Speaker 1: Maybe if all of your bridesmaids and all of your 303 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,880 Speaker 1: single women friends are like really dying to do it, 304 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:01,320 Speaker 1: then go for it. But again, I think that the 305 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:05,919 Speaker 1: other thing about being taking an independent kind of approach 306 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:09,360 Speaker 1: to weddings and a pro woman, pro man, pro everybody, 307 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,600 Speaker 1: pro grown ups approach to weddings is that we all 308 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:15,600 Speaker 1: can do whatever we want and that's okay. But again, 309 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:19,680 Speaker 1: be open about it to yourself and to your friends 310 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:29,680 Speaker 1: and family. And now back to the show. One thing 311 00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:33,359 Speaker 1: I really appreciated about the book was that there wasn't 312 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:38,880 Speaker 1: the rom com esque narrative park of you having to 313 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,640 Speaker 1: end up by the end of the book going down 314 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:43,000 Speaker 1: the aisle yourself and just out of curiosity. Was that 315 00:17:43,119 --> 00:17:47,119 Speaker 1: something when you're going through the publishing process that maybe, 316 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:51,800 Speaker 1: like editors were expecting you kind of requested to sort 317 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:57,640 Speaker 1: of massage the narratives. My publisher is awesome, and they 318 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:00,320 Speaker 1: would never have done that, I mean, thank god. I'm 319 00:18:00,359 --> 00:18:03,919 Speaker 1: sure that that is something that people have experience, and 320 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,840 Speaker 1: I think that it might be a more hollywoodization of it, 321 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,880 Speaker 1: you know, like with the occasional I don't know. There's 322 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:13,000 Speaker 1: been like a few talks that I've had with potential 323 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:17,960 Speaker 1: movie people and and they seem to be a little 324 00:18:18,119 --> 00:18:22,199 Speaker 1: more pushing or rom COMI you know, I mean, I 325 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,480 Speaker 1: think that's just what we expect in rom coms, that 326 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,080 Speaker 1: you're going to end up with someone in the end. 327 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:30,600 Speaker 1: I I was with someone in the end of the book, 328 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,280 Speaker 1: although you wouldn't know it from the last chapter necessarily, 329 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,280 Speaker 1: Oh god, this is a spoiler. But um but I 330 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:40,880 Speaker 1: really wanted to have the storyline not be about ending 331 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:44,760 Speaker 1: up with someone romantically, but about choosing to be the 332 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:47,760 Speaker 1: you that you most want to be and knowing that 333 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:51,840 Speaker 1: whatever state you decide, you know, cared up or single, 334 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:56,720 Speaker 1: it's good. It's like you're you're you're experiencing life, you're 335 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:58,960 Speaker 1: having the adventures, and you're like living the lights that 336 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,400 Speaker 1: you have whether you're married it or not, and and 337 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:04,800 Speaker 1: both of those things are good. So I definitely it 338 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,320 Speaker 1: was a conscious choice not to end with some sort 339 00:19:07,359 --> 00:19:09,920 Speaker 1: of wedding. Also, like I wasn't proposed to at the end, 340 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,639 Speaker 1: so it's a it's a memoir, so it had to 341 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:16,800 Speaker 1: be true. Um, but yeah, there was The last wedding 342 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,800 Speaker 1: I go to in the book involves a guy I 343 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,240 Speaker 1: was dating and going to this wedding with his friends 344 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,680 Speaker 1: where I didn't really know anyone besides him, and how 345 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:29,920 Speaker 1: that shifted my perception on bringing my bringing dates to 346 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,200 Speaker 1: weddings like throughout the course of my life. Like I 347 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,400 Speaker 1: was like, Oh, that's interesting, Like this is another side 348 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,720 Speaker 1: of it. And I think that that's something that I 349 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,760 Speaker 1: hope people get in the book also, that there are 350 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:43,680 Speaker 1: always different sides to these experiences and we don't always 351 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:46,920 Speaker 1: we're not always aware of them until we experience them ourselves, 352 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,480 Speaker 1: or maybe we read a book about it and that 353 00:19:49,359 --> 00:19:53,240 Speaker 1: can get us to start talking about it too. Um 354 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:56,960 Speaker 1: and sort of along those lines, Uh, in your experience, 355 00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:01,520 Speaker 1: do you think that we, especially I as women, are 356 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:06,119 Speaker 1: coming more to a place to where the societal idea 357 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:10,560 Speaker 1: of what happily ever after looks like is evolving beyond 358 00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:13,159 Speaker 1: just well you've got to be married at some point, ladies. 359 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:17,280 Speaker 1: I certainly hope so. UM. I do think that there 360 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:23,080 Speaker 1: are still beliefs in stereotypes and um things that continue 361 00:20:23,119 --> 00:20:25,679 Speaker 1: to exist, Like there is kind of this default notion 362 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:29,080 Speaker 1: that we should end up paired off with people. However, 363 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,280 Speaker 1: I think that there are all of these new ways 364 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:37,720 Speaker 1: of being paired off and partnered and maybe even just 365 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:41,560 Speaker 1: having a really strong support group of friends. Um. And 366 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,080 Speaker 1: there are a lot of great writers who've been talking 367 00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:49,000 Speaker 1: about how people live single lives for a really long time, 368 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:52,119 Speaker 1: and how those lives often are happier and more productive 369 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,520 Speaker 1: and more tied to the community and things like that. 370 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:59,720 Speaker 1: Um I think that if anything, just the progression and 371 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:03,440 Speaker 1: the openness which wild with which we look at relationships 372 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:07,399 Speaker 1: in society is it's impressive, and it's like we're moving 373 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:11,199 Speaker 1: forward in that degree, and I think that's really good. Well, 374 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,760 Speaker 1: it sort of along those same same lines in terms 375 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:17,359 Speaker 1: of us moving forward. One of the chapters in the 376 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,879 Speaker 1: book is about going to you know, the gay wedding 377 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:24,199 Speaker 1: in New York that Mayor Bloomberg officiated, And we actually 378 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:28,359 Speaker 1: did a podcast a couple of weeks ago on gay 379 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:32,359 Speaker 1: weddings and how they're often treated as this trend where 380 00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:36,240 Speaker 1: it's something new and yet still the same tradition. And 381 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:39,119 Speaker 1: the question we were asking ourselves in the podcast was 382 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:44,480 Speaker 1: sort of when we'll just a wedding via wedding. UM So, 383 00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:47,840 Speaker 1: just for your take, is someone who's been immersed in 384 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,399 Speaker 1: wedding culture by being just so many I mean, how 385 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:53,920 Speaker 1: do you think that this inclusion of same sex marriage 386 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:57,800 Speaker 1: will have a lasting impact on the tradition of weddings. 387 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:00,960 Speaker 1: I mean, I guess I think a wedding will never 388 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:06,119 Speaker 1: be just a wedding because they are too orchestrated and 389 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:12,840 Speaker 1: emotionally I don't know, fraud, but also significant and uh, 390 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:17,399 Speaker 1: we place a really high importance on them in society. 391 00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:21,320 Speaker 1: I think that with gay weddings, it's just amazing that 392 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:24,320 Speaker 1: we can all have different kinds of weddings, and and 393 00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:27,280 Speaker 1: they can even look the same but have different couplings 394 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:31,719 Speaker 1: and mixed sort of relationship types and UM. One thing 395 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:34,000 Speaker 1: that was really fun with my book is that looking 396 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:37,000 Speaker 1: back at it, UM, there there were gay marriages, and 397 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,240 Speaker 1: there were interracial marriages, and there were um marriages of 398 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,320 Speaker 1: people who were in their early twenties and marriages of 399 00:22:42,359 --> 00:22:46,280 Speaker 1: people who were in their later thirties. And I really 400 00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:50,400 Speaker 1: like that there are all of these different possibilities and combinations. UM. 401 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:54,000 Speaker 1: I just think with gay marriage, we're probably just gonna 402 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,840 Speaker 1: see more marriages, and that's great as long as they're 403 00:22:56,840 --> 00:23:01,600 Speaker 1: good marriages exactly. So what is something than that going 404 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:05,480 Speaker 1: to all these weddings has perhaps taught you about yourself 405 00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:12,359 Speaker 1: and about your relationships romance. I think that when we 406 00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:15,879 Speaker 1: grow up, and I'm speaking as someone who's a woman 407 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:19,760 Speaker 1: so like as as little girls, you know, we think 408 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:22,760 Speaker 1: about weddings in this very particular way, or we tend to. 409 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:24,439 Speaker 1: Not all of us do, but a lot of us do, 410 00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:28,520 Speaker 1: because what's put out before us in society are like 411 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:32,520 Speaker 1: these pictures in these um storylines and the narrative of 412 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:34,679 Speaker 1: like a bride and groom walking down the aisle, and 413 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:38,240 Speaker 1: how that's what we want to have to And I 414 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:41,159 Speaker 1: think in going to so many weddings and seeing that 415 00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:45,000 Speaker 1: they exists in so many different forms, it was like, 416 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,399 Speaker 1: you don't have to do it that way. There's always 417 00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:50,480 Speaker 1: kind of like a weird disconnect with me. I think, 418 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:53,000 Speaker 1: thinking this is what I'm supposed to do, but like 419 00:23:53,119 --> 00:23:55,199 Speaker 1: do I really want to do that? And doesn't have 420 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,119 Speaker 1: to look this way? And um, can you like have 421 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:01,320 Speaker 1: love without a wedding? Can you? Just because I think 422 00:24:01,359 --> 00:24:04,879 Speaker 1: love is more important than weddings honestly, But um, and 423 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,240 Speaker 1: I guess that that idea that we can that we're 424 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:12,560 Speaker 1: living our lives, the whole lives that we live. It's 425 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:14,600 Speaker 1: not like it starts or stops when we get married. 426 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:17,959 Speaker 1: That's just another component. And that if we can approach 427 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:20,920 Speaker 1: everything with kind of as much openness and like open 428 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:25,240 Speaker 1: heartedness and spirit of adventure, then we just lived more 429 00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:30,159 Speaker 1: enjoyable lives. Um, and to kind of not be I 430 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:34,520 Speaker 1: guess another lesson is just to not repress our feelings, 431 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:39,560 Speaker 1: but to try to address them, especially before intense moments 432 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:45,040 Speaker 1: and perhaps wedding exactly. And yeah, so one thing I 433 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,320 Speaker 1: also lived about the book was how it sprinkled with 434 00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:51,359 Speaker 1: all of your your wedding tips. Uh, if you had 435 00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:55,320 Speaker 1: one wedding tip to bestow upon listeners, what would it be? 436 00:24:56,920 --> 00:25:02,280 Speaker 1: Always get the French fries because um, and I mean 437 00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:07,400 Speaker 1: that metaphorically as well as specifically. But you know, there's 438 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:12,920 Speaker 1: a scene in my book when I'm hungover after rehearsal 439 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:17,280 Speaker 1: dinner and we've ordered food and I think I can't 440 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,080 Speaker 1: remember if I get them or not. But the tip 441 00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:22,200 Speaker 1: is to get them because you just want to experience 442 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,399 Speaker 1: life as wholly as you can, and you know, barring 443 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,840 Speaker 1: any sort of French fry allergy, should probably get the 444 00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:33,240 Speaker 1: French fries. It's a good tip. So in September, I'm 445 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:37,280 Speaker 1: officiating my brother's wedding, which is um funny because in 446 00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:39,639 Speaker 1: the book, you know, my brother and his fiance are mentioned. 447 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,600 Speaker 1: They've been engaged for several years, and I think I 448 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:45,800 Speaker 1: have some comment about how, um, my parents have stopped 449 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,080 Speaker 1: asking when I don't know if this book was a 450 00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:50,199 Speaker 1: push to get them to actually do it. They probably 451 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,240 Speaker 1: would hate it if I said that, But um, they 452 00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:55,560 Speaker 1: are doing it, which is really exciting, and they've asked 453 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,560 Speaker 1: me to officiate, which is going to be a new role, 454 00:25:57,800 --> 00:25:59,879 Speaker 1: a new wedding guest role that I've never gotten to do, 455 00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:03,399 Speaker 1: and I'm really excited about. So obviously, since it's a 456 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:07,600 Speaker 1: memoir as well, get pretty personal and I'm sure that 457 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:11,000 Speaker 1: some people's identities might be masked a little bit. But 458 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:15,000 Speaker 1: how was the reception of the book from say, ex 459 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:18,160 Speaker 1: boy friends, friends that you might have had difficult who's 460 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:22,920 Speaker 1: with which family members? Um? Some of those stories, I mean, 461 00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:26,240 Speaker 1: all names are changed except for my immediate family members, 462 00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:31,399 Speaker 1: and I wanted to respect that when when you're invited 463 00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:34,920 Speaker 1: to a wedding, you're the people inviting, you probably don't 464 00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:37,240 Speaker 1: think you're going to write a book about it. Um. 465 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:39,440 Speaker 1: I also wanted to be very clear that these were 466 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:42,560 Speaker 1: my memories and my experiences, and that's a huge point 467 00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:45,879 Speaker 1: of the book, that the experience at a wedding is 468 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,720 Speaker 1: not the same for everyone, and it's not always this 469 00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,399 Speaker 1: you know, Lacy walked down the aisle sort of story 470 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:56,640 Speaker 1: that we see perpetuated in movies and TV. It can 471 00:26:56,640 --> 00:27:00,480 Speaker 1: be many different things, so I just I wanted to 472 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:02,480 Speaker 1: be clear about that, and I wanted to be respectful 473 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:07,800 Speaker 1: of the subjects from the characters. UM. I gave most 474 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:09,840 Speaker 1: of the brides and grooms a chance to read early 475 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:13,680 Speaker 1: drafts of the chapters as a fact checking move as 476 00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:16,440 Speaker 1: well as you know, f y, I, this is happening. 477 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:18,960 Speaker 1: I hope you're okay with it, and the majority of 478 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:22,440 Speaker 1: them wanted to read, and also we're really really excited 479 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:25,199 Speaker 1: about it. UM. I think the other thing about the 480 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:27,840 Speaker 1: book is that it's really not any kind of snarky 481 00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:33,040 Speaker 1: expose on weddings. UM. You may people may have that perception, 482 00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:35,919 Speaker 1: but really it's about most of the weddings in the 483 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:39,840 Speaker 1: book were incredibly enjoyable. I may have made some mistakes 484 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,520 Speaker 1: of them, but they were pretty lovely weddings, and most 485 00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:45,320 Speaker 1: of the couples are still together and very happy, and 486 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,480 Speaker 1: that to me is really moving, and I wanted to 487 00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:52,360 Speaker 1: um kind of honor them in writing the book, not 488 00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:56,240 Speaker 1: tell them that they're dirks or that their cakes tasted bad. 489 00:27:56,320 --> 00:28:00,119 Speaker 1: You know. UM. I did also reach out to you 490 00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:05,480 Speaker 1: some ex is, including one who is probably the longest 491 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,800 Speaker 1: term x I had. His name is Jason in the book, 492 00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:11,200 Speaker 1: and he was like, oh my god, I'm so excited, 493 00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:15,440 Speaker 1: which is amazing. UM. And he's always a really great guy. 494 00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:17,560 Speaker 1: And it's just an example of the kind of people 495 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:21,880 Speaker 1: who they might be great people, they might be great friends, 496 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:24,000 Speaker 1: but maybe you're just not supposed to end up with them, 497 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:27,000 Speaker 1: which is I think a good storyline to remind ourselves 498 00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:30,080 Speaker 1: of we haven't messed up by not getting married to 499 00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:33,360 Speaker 1: those people. We've actually done them and us a service 500 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:35,439 Speaker 1: by admitting it. You know, you need to be with 501 00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:37,840 Speaker 1: the right people. Um. Now he's married and has a 502 00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:39,640 Speaker 1: baby and has a dog, and it's like super happy. 503 00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:42,640 Speaker 1: And also it was like, this is amazing. I've never 504 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:44,480 Speaker 1: been in a book before, so that was really fun. 505 00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:48,360 Speaker 1: I UM, I do worry about some of the other characters, 506 00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:53,000 Speaker 1: but because not everyone is always depicted in the most 507 00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:55,640 Speaker 1: perfect way. But I think that of all the bad 508 00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:57,640 Speaker 1: characters in the book, I'm probably the one who has 509 00:28:57,680 --> 00:29:01,240 Speaker 1: depicted the worst. So I acknowledge that. And I also 510 00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:04,840 Speaker 1: um made sure that identities were kind of shielded in 511 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:07,840 Speaker 1: other cases, because the point is not to you know, 512 00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:10,800 Speaker 1: de story someone's life or anything like that. It's just 513 00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:14,760 Speaker 1: to tell an honest story. And the things that I experienced. 514 00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:19,800 Speaker 1: One thinking of that honesty, was it ever challenging the 515 00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:23,440 Speaker 1: process of writing the book to either sort of push 516 00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:26,520 Speaker 1: yourself a little bit more forward, to be more honest 517 00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:30,840 Speaker 1: and open with the reader, and also maybe giving you 518 00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:33,760 Speaker 1: pause about things that you had done but maybe you 519 00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:36,440 Speaker 1: weren't necessarily proud of, which you're also very honest about 520 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:39,000 Speaker 1: in the book. I think I went into like a 521 00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:42,400 Speaker 1: weird view state law writing it, and I didn't actually 522 00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:45,640 Speaker 1: think about other people reading it, which might be necessary 523 00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:48,200 Speaker 1: for any kind of memoir writing, where if you're thinking 524 00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:50,720 Speaker 1: about people reading it and how they're going to judge 525 00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:53,320 Speaker 1: you for it, you couldn't do it. And I just 526 00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:57,760 Speaker 1: was like kind of in this protected, really focused state, 527 00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:01,800 Speaker 1: and I wrote what I remember doing and feeling, and 528 00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:08,040 Speaker 1: I tried to be totally. I guess it's interesting because 529 00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:10,000 Speaker 1: when you write a memoir, you capture yourself in a 530 00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:14,120 Speaker 1: particular time and place, and there are people who have 531 00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:19,280 Speaker 1: commented things like Amazon commentors or things like that where 532 00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:21,720 Speaker 1: they're like I think Jen has a drinking problem, like 533 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:26,440 Speaker 1: get help. And I think that that's really amusing and 534 00:30:27,080 --> 00:30:30,480 Speaker 1: kind of not very nice, but because but it's also 535 00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:33,360 Speaker 1: a little bit shortsighted because clearly I wrote this book. 536 00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:36,800 Speaker 1: I put together weddings, um where there were open bars. 537 00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:39,560 Speaker 1: If you look at my whole life, I wasn't drinking 538 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:42,120 Speaker 1: the way I drink at weddings every day, because that 539 00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:44,000 Speaker 1: would have been probably a really hard way to write 540 00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:50,680 Speaker 1: a book. UM. And the the sentiments that anyone gets 541 00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:55,240 Speaker 1: from a memoir are exactly what the author has put forward. UM. 542 00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:57,360 Speaker 1: So it's really interesting to me that that's just like 543 00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:02,000 Speaker 1: how memoir works. UM. I I didn't think about reviewer 544 00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:06,640 Speaker 1: comments or negative reactions when I was writing it, because again, 545 00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:10,000 Speaker 1: that would have been probably devastating to think about. And 546 00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:12,360 Speaker 1: it was only until the memoir was about to be 547 00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:14,120 Speaker 1: out I think that I was like, oh my god, 548 00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:17,680 Speaker 1: people are gonna think I'm a jerk. And you know, 549 00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:19,200 Speaker 1: if they do, they do, and I have been a 550 00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:22,040 Speaker 1: joke in my life. So, UM, I don't know. I 551 00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:27,320 Speaker 1: just you just live and deal with it, I guess exactly. UM. 552 00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:31,280 Speaker 1: I realized that this is horribly clichiate question, but I 553 00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:34,280 Speaker 1: do have to ask if you were to have a 554 00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:37,160 Speaker 1: wedding in the future. Is everyone asking you this question 555 00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:39,120 Speaker 1: now about this book? If you're gonna have a wedding 556 00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:41,800 Speaker 1: at some point, do you have an idea of what 557 00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:43,520 Speaker 1: it would be able to just go to the courthouse 558 00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:48,320 Speaker 1: called a day have a big, black, lavish affair. Um. 559 00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:50,120 Speaker 1: I've been asked this question a couple of times, and 560 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:51,760 Speaker 1: I actually love it because it's really funny. I mean, 561 00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:54,719 Speaker 1: I would definitely have my wedding at a circus and 562 00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:57,120 Speaker 1: ride in on an elephant. I'm just kidding. I would. 563 00:31:58,680 --> 00:32:03,120 Speaker 1: I don't really think about what my own wedding would 564 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:06,920 Speaker 1: look like other than I would probably well, I would 565 00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:10,600 Speaker 1: definitely have an open bar, and I would want to 566 00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:13,360 Speaker 1: have all the people who I love around me for it, 567 00:32:13,520 --> 00:32:16,160 Speaker 1: because I think that's the most powerful thing about weddings 568 00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:20,040 Speaker 1: that you're bringing You're bringing together all of these interwoven 569 00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:24,440 Speaker 1: relationships and friendships and um people to share in this 570 00:32:24,520 --> 00:32:28,400 Speaker 1: experience with you. That's the key thing. And I also 571 00:32:28,440 --> 00:32:31,080 Speaker 1: would want to marry someone who I like, really liked, 572 00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:37,640 Speaker 1: But basically that's it. Well, Gendall, congratulations on saved with 573 00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:40,760 Speaker 1: Date and thanks so much for meeting with me in 574 00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:44,280 Speaker 1: Brooklyn and chatting about weddings. Thank you so much, it's 575 00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:52,240 Speaker 1: been really fun. Well, thanks again to Jendall for speaking 576 00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:55,320 Speaker 1: with us. It was awesome to hear her perspective on weddings, 577 00:32:55,400 --> 00:32:58,920 Speaker 1: especially as someone who is a seasoned wedding veteran. Kristen, 578 00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:00,840 Speaker 1: do you have any weddings kind of up? I do 579 00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:03,360 Speaker 1: have a wedding coming up. In fact, one of my 580 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:07,720 Speaker 1: best guy friends is getting hitched and I don't know 581 00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:10,400 Speaker 1: if it's official or not, but I've been asked to 582 00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:15,280 Speaker 1: be a groomsman, So I'm really hoping I get to 583 00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:19,320 Speaker 1: rock a lady tux. That's really my only condition. We 584 00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:21,840 Speaker 1: haven't really hashed out the details, but if I can't 585 00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:23,760 Speaker 1: wear a tux, I don't think I'm going to do it. 586 00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:27,720 Speaker 1: I love it. No, dude roommate told me that if 587 00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:30,320 Speaker 1: and when he ties the knot with some special lady, 588 00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:32,600 Speaker 1: that he wants me to be a groomsman. Yeah. There 589 00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:34,440 Speaker 1: should not have to we should have to have these 590 00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:39,240 Speaker 1: gender divide. Well again, I just wanna give a huge 591 00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:42,560 Speaker 1: thanks to Jendal for meeting up and chatting in folks. 592 00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:45,680 Speaker 1: I do highly recommend checking out Save the Date if 593 00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:48,600 Speaker 1: you're looking for a fun read this summer, and you 594 00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:51,760 Speaker 1: can find it on Amazon. You can also head over 595 00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:55,760 Speaker 1: to Jendall's website, which is jendal dot com to learn 596 00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:58,120 Speaker 1: more about it and also find other places that you 597 00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:00,440 Speaker 1: can pick it up. And in the meantime time, you 598 00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:04,160 Speaker 1: can also read Jen Doll's work at The Hairpin, Vulture, 599 00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:08,840 Speaker 1: and The Atlantic, as well as other places. She's everywhere, folks, 600 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:11,000 Speaker 1: and to keep up with her, you can also follow 601 00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:15,120 Speaker 1: her on Twitter at This is Jen Doll. And speaking 602 00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:16,880 Speaker 1: of Twitter, if you want to keep up with Caroline 603 00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:19,719 Speaker 1: and me, you can find us at Mom's Stuff Podcast. 604 00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:22,600 Speaker 1: You can also message us on Facebook as well. Be 605 00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:24,440 Speaker 1: sure to like us while you're at it, and we've 606 00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:26,960 Speaker 1: got a couple of Facebook messages to share with you 607 00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:34,279 Speaker 1: right now. Alrighty well, I have a letter here from 608 00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:38,680 Speaker 1: Brenna talking about our Women in Animation episode. She says, 609 00:34:38,760 --> 00:34:40,960 Speaker 1: first off, thank you. I was thrilled that you did 610 00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:44,000 Speaker 1: an episode on women in Disney Animation. However, I noticed 611 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:46,640 Speaker 1: that while you talked about present day women in directorial roles, 612 00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:49,120 Speaker 1: you didn't discuss much on those working in the visual 613 00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:52,920 Speaker 1: development slash artistic roles in animation. There happens to be 614 00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:56,600 Speaker 1: a fantastic group of Disney associated artists. Their names are 615 00:34:56,760 --> 00:35:00,719 Speaker 1: Claire Keene, Laura le Beau, Victoria Yang, Helen Ming, ju Chen, 616 00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:04,160 Speaker 1: Brittany Lee, and Lisa Keene that are releasing a book 617 00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:07,120 Speaker 1: of their personal work. I highly recommend checking out their 618 00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:10,120 Speaker 1: work individually, as there aren't many celebrated women artists and 619 00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:13,000 Speaker 1: animation and it's important for other women to have contemporary, 620 00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:17,200 Speaker 1: positive and successful role models in a still male dominated industry. 621 00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:22,640 Speaker 1: The book is called Lovely Ladies of Animation and she 622 00:35:22,680 --> 00:35:25,120 Speaker 1: says that you can go on Amazon and the book 623 00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:28,080 Speaker 1: is available for preorder. So thank you so much, Brenna 624 00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:31,400 Speaker 1: for that heads up. And speaking of books, I've got 625 00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:37,640 Speaker 1: a letter here from Jacqueline asking for feminist book recommendations. 626 00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:40,239 Speaker 1: She writes, I'm writing because I want to see if 627 00:35:40,280 --> 00:35:43,000 Speaker 1: you can help me. My youngest cousin is eighteen and 628 00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:45,400 Speaker 1: about to graduate high school, and she's kind of a 629 00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:48,040 Speaker 1: girly girl. She's going to college in the fall, and 630 00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:50,320 Speaker 1: I wanted to give her a feminist book as a present. 631 00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:53,319 Speaker 1: I don't think feminism is something she really thinks about, 632 00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:55,680 Speaker 1: and I want her to. I want her to value 633 00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:58,680 Speaker 1: herself for more than her looks. So I wanted your 634 00:35:58,760 --> 00:36:01,240 Speaker 1: help and perhaps the help of the listeners and finding 635 00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:03,920 Speaker 1: a book to give her. I want something that's accessible 636 00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:06,600 Speaker 1: to someone who is not familiar with feminism and that 637 00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:10,920 Speaker 1: isn't too heavy on feminist theory. So can you help me? 638 00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:16,000 Speaker 1: Thanks for any help you can give um. So one 639 00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:20,160 Speaker 1: recommendation I have that might seem a little bit random 640 00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:25,680 Speaker 1: is Bossy Pants by Tina Fay, because it's hilarious memoir, 641 00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:29,200 Speaker 1: but it also has a lot of feminist undertones of 642 00:36:29,239 --> 00:36:32,840 Speaker 1: her kind of dealing with her looks and her body 643 00:36:33,080 --> 00:36:38,240 Speaker 1: and choices in school and in balancing work life stuff, 644 00:36:38,719 --> 00:36:41,880 Speaker 1: and so that might be a good kind of sneaky 645 00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:45,439 Speaker 1: primer I think, Yeah, I wholeheartedly agree bossy Pants would 646 00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:47,359 Speaker 1: be a great choice. There's also, and I think we've 647 00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:49,279 Speaker 1: sided this on the podcast a couple of times, but 648 00:36:49,360 --> 00:36:52,319 Speaker 1: Caitlin Moran's book How to Be a Woman. She is 649 00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:55,520 Speaker 1: a funny lady, and so that could be another, maybe 650 00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:58,680 Speaker 1: not maybe a more subtle way for your young cousin 651 00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:02,440 Speaker 1: to get entered us to the ideas. Yeah, approaching feminism 652 00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:05,480 Speaker 1: with humor, because I believe it or not, we do 653 00:37:05,719 --> 00:37:09,880 Speaker 1: have a sense of humor um, and any suggestions from listeners. 654 00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:12,799 Speaker 1: We'd love to hear them as well. Shoot us an 655 00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:15,320 Speaker 1: email mom Stuff at how stuff works dot com, or 656 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:18,080 Speaker 1: tweet us at mom Stuff podcast, or send us a 657 00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:20,399 Speaker 1: message on Facebook because I'd love to get a lot 658 00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:23,919 Speaker 1: of recommendations and compile a list so we can share 659 00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:27,520 Speaker 1: them with everybody over at our website, Stuff from the 660 00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:31,080 Speaker 1: Original You dot com. And speaking of which, if you 661 00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:33,400 Speaker 1: want to find all the links for our social media, 662 00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:37,279 Speaker 1: all of our blog post, videos, and podcasts, there is 663 00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:40,040 Speaker 1: one place to go, and it's stuff Mom Never Told 664 00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:46,520 Speaker 1: You dot com. For more on this and thousands of 665 00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:57,120 Speaker 1: other topics, does it how stuff works dot com