Speaker 1: Hello, everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in
Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here.
Speaker 1: Back for another episode as we, of course break down
Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties today, we're diving into a
Speaker 1: topic that I think resonates with about every single one
Speaker 1: of us, and that is how to care less about
Speaker 1: what other people think about you. Let us be completely
Speaker 1: real and transparent here. This is a lot easier said
Speaker 1: than done. We all know that worrying about the opinions
Speaker 1: of others will rob us of our authenticity, It will
Speaker 1: make us less happy, it will disturb our peace of mind.
Speaker 1: And yet there is this little voice inside our heads
Speaker 1: whispering things like, what will they think of me? What
Speaker 1: if they don't like me? Is the world going to end?
Speaker 1: Will this choice make me look good to others? And
Speaker 1: it's not our inner critic, it's something else. It's our
Speaker 1: inner need for approval, our inner animal, primal version of
Speaker 1: us who wants to belong and not upset others. And
Speaker 1: the problem is that it can become a real mental
Speaker 1: barrier if we let it dominate the choices we make
Speaker 1: in our twenties, our behavior, our decisions, and ultimately our lives.
Speaker 1: I think during this decade it's quite a fragile time
Speaker 1: where we really are just trying to figure out so
Speaker 1: many big questions, and sometimes we rely too heavily on
Speaker 1: what other people think is best or what other people
Speaker 1: think we should be doing. And when we have fixated
Speaker 1: on these possible or actual judgments, it's like we have
Speaker 1: to hold up every life decision to a different light,
Speaker 1: under a different light, and think, how's this person going
Speaker 1: to see it? How about this person? Am I still
Speaker 1: going to have their approval? And this often happens before
Speaker 1: we do anything, even without us knowing. But deep down,
Speaker 1: oftentimes we already know who we are, We already know
Speaker 1: what we want. We just have to fight against this
Speaker 1: weirdly misplaced instinct to be validated by others before we
Speaker 1: truly are able to trust ourselves. And I really do
Speaker 1: think it comes down to a lack of self trust.
Speaker 1: We don't trust that we know what's right, and we
Speaker 1: don't trust that we'll be able to survive the potential
Speaker 1: negative judgments of friends, of family members, of random strangers.
Speaker 1: So in this episode, I want us to really dig
Speaker 1: deep into the psychology of why why do we care
Speaker 1: so much in the first place, Where does this instinct
Speaker 1: come from, and how does it impact our search for
Speaker 1: self esteem, for purpose, for authenticity really in our twenties,
Speaker 1: and most importantly, most importantly of all, how can we
Speaker 1: start letting go of this need for approval so that
Speaker 1: we can live the lives that we truly want. We're
Speaker 1: going to talk about evolutionary psychology, childhood experiences. I also
Speaker 1: share course some practical tips to help you shift your
Speaker 1: focus inward, to trust your own judgment and to really
Speaker 1: strengthen your sense of self, as well as my famous
Speaker 1: rule of fives that I swear by. And hopefully by
Speaker 1: the end of this episode you feel inspired, You feel
Speaker 1: equipped to prioritize your own opinion and to truly honor
Speaker 1: who you are without being weighed down by the noise
Speaker 1: of others. Really, this is the episode that I wish
Speaker 1: I had when I was younger. All of this information
Speaker 1: is things that I've had to learn and that I
Speaker 1: wish I could tell a past version of myself. But
Speaker 1: now I get to tell you, guys, which is honestly
Speaker 1: just as good. So without further ado, let's get into
Speaker 1: the psychology about why we care and how do care
Speaker 1: less about what other people think. So this has been
Speaker 1: on my mind quite a lot recently, and the reason
Speaker 1: being is because I launched my new podcast, Mantra a
Speaker 1: couple of weeks ago, and for those of you who
Speaker 1: haven't listened to it yet, it's basically a weekly show
Speaker 1: where I dive into some kind of inspiring affirmation or
Speaker 1: reminder for you to bring with you throughout the week.
Speaker 1: So the one we did last week was I Cultivate
Speaker 1: Peace Within, I Embrace growth and change, that kind of thing.
Speaker 1: And it's just a place for me to kind of
Speaker 1: express wisdom and be a little bit more philosophical and
Speaker 1: a bit more grounding compared to the Psychology of your twenties,
Speaker 1: which is more science based. And before I announced that
Speaker 1: show and launched that show, I had this huge fear
Speaker 1: that so many people were going to look turn around
Speaker 1: look at me doing this and say, oh, we hate it,
Speaker 1: we hate that you're doing that. That's not what we
Speaker 1: want boo. Like, just stick to what you know, stick
Speaker 1: to what you're good at. And it really got into
Speaker 1: my head. I was like, is this a good idea?
Speaker 1: Should I even be doing this? And The thing was,
Speaker 1: no one even knew that I was other than you know,
Speaker 1: my team and like my wonderful support network. No one
Speaker 1: who is a listener of the show who doesn't know
Speaker 1: me knew that I was putting this out, and yet
Speaker 1: I was putting words into their mouth, and they were
Speaker 1: the words that I most feared. That I would be judged,
Speaker 1: that people wouldn't like it, that I would be criticized,
Speaker 1: And it got to the point where I was almost like, Oh,
Speaker 1: this is just this is such a bad decision, like
Speaker 1: they already hate it without ever actually even having shown anyone.
Speaker 1: And it really got me thinking around how many opportunities
Speaker 1: and how many things in your life have you not
Speaker 1: done or have you stopped yourself from doing because you
Speaker 1: were imagining what other people think before they even have
Speaker 1: the chance to think it or say it. And that's
Speaker 1: really the conundrum that we find ourselves in a lot,
Speaker 1: and it holds us back. Just having that experience made
Speaker 1: me realize how many other areas of my life I
Speaker 1: have already been held back by other's opinions, real or imaginary,
Speaker 1: and how I wish that that hadn't been the case.
Speaker 1: Before we get into how to stop that from happening.
Speaker 1: I think we need to just know the basics, which
Speaker 1: is why that's the million dollar question, right, why does
Speaker 1: this happen? Why do we care? You could know what
Speaker 1: it's costing you and you still can't ignore it. The
Speaker 1: reason this voice, the voice of others, the voice of
Speaker 1: some ambiguous hater or person feel so omnipresent has two
Speaker 1: really important explanations. The first is a very evolutionary explanation.
Speaker 1: We are tribal creatures who previously relied on the approval
Speaker 1: and acceptance of others to survive, and so to make
Speaker 1: sure we aren't alienated from our social group, which would
Speaker 1: in the past have ensured immediate certain death, come very
Speaker 1: attuned to what other people think. And this part of us,
Speaker 1: it really originated and developed way before civilization was as
Speaker 1: large and expansive as it is today. It originated and
Speaker 1: evolved and developed when we did live in very small
Speaker 1: communities where the opinion of your neighbor, the opinion of
Speaker 1: the person in the hut next door, was significant for
Speaker 1: your life. So those parts of the brain that are
Speaker 1: responsible for triggering our fear of rejection or of abandonment,
Speaker 1: they are part of what we call the old brain
Speaker 1: or the reptilian brain, which is why they feel so
Speaker 1: almost instantaneous. It's why they feel so out of our
Speaker 1: control because they are meant to function almost automatically. The
Speaker 1: other part of our brain that really plays a role
Speaker 1: in this is the frontal lobe. These two areas, they
Speaker 1: have taken a long time to evolve and a long
Speaker 1: time to take place, and they have also been around
Speaker 1: for many, many, many generations. And considering how rapidly society
Speaker 1: has grown and our networks have expanded from maybe fifty
Speaker 1: people to literally hundreds of thousands that we can access online,
Speaker 1: and how you know that's only been in the last
Speaker 1: twenty years. Basically, these old parts of our brain haven't
Speaker 1: caught up with the context and how easily it is
Speaker 1: to be judged at basically any given moment online and
Speaker 1: in a much much larger society. How I explain it
Speaker 1: is that the old part of your brain that is
Speaker 1: used to caring about the judgments of others and being
Speaker 1: very socially attuned. That is like trying to run a
Speaker 1: complex computer game on the first ever MacBook. You know,
Speaker 1: the system is obviously going to get overwhelmed, and that
Speaker 1: is your brain trying to manage this hypersocial modern context
Speaker 1: of a thousand opinions on a system that developed when
Speaker 1: that wasn't the case. So the second explanation for why
Speaker 1: we care, which is very much link to what we
Speaker 1: just spoke about, it's to do with our self esteem
Speaker 1: and how our identity and part really is reliant on
Speaker 1: the opinions and approval of others. Even from a very
Speaker 1: young age, we sense and we know that if people
Speaker 1: like us, life will be easier and we will feel
Speaker 1: good about ourselves because people will be kind to us,
Speaker 1: they'll want to help us, they won't outright harm us.
Speaker 1: So it's in that way that sometimes our acknowledgment and
Speaker 1: our fear of other people's opinions is sometimes a protective mechanism.
Speaker 1: There have been studies showing that from as young as
Speaker 1: maybe two years old, we are aware that we are
Speaker 1: being evaluated by others, and by around five we actually
Speaker 1: begin to check our behavior in certain circumstances based on
Speaker 1: what we think others will like or will be favorable towards.
Speaker 1: So this interaction this is called approval seeking behavior. Wanting
Speaker 1: to be liked, wanting to be seen as good, wanting
Speaker 1: to be validated, and rewarded by another person in order
Speaker 1: for that process to kind of take place. In order
Speaker 1: to seek approval, you have to firstly acknowledge that other
Speaker 1: people have opinions, and secondly, you have to be able
Speaker 1: to make a decision as to whether you want to
Speaker 1: let that opinion dictate your behavior based on what you
Speaker 1: think the outcome will be for you. And when we
Speaker 1: become very obsessed with other people's opinions, implicitly we believe
Speaker 1: that doing so is going to help us more than
Speaker 1: it will harm us. I don't think that's the case.
Speaker 1: I also don't think that it will come as a
Speaker 1: surprise that excessive approval seeking behavior in adulthood is linked
Speaker 1: to early childhood experiences, particularly what we call adverse childhood experiences. So,
Speaker 1: if you were highly criticized as a child, if you
Speaker 1: were neglected by those who were meant to love you most,
Speaker 1: you were ignored, you were bullied. Approval is something you
Speaker 1: want more than anything else, because you know what it
Speaker 1: feels like and how terrible it is to not have it.
Speaker 1: You know how cold and solitary and lonely it feels
Speaker 1: to not be liked and to not be told that
Speaker 1: you're good. A twenty twenty one paper actually that I
Speaker 1: found when researching this. It looked at bullying in particular,
Speaker 1: and it linked childhood bullying to greater approval seeking behavior
Speaker 1: as adults, and specifically a lot more people pleasing and
Speaker 1: self sacrificing behavior as well approval seeking as an adult.
Speaker 1: I should probably tell you what that looks like. It's
Speaker 1: basically what we would describe as caring too much about
Speaker 1: what other people think. What other people think, but it's
Speaker 1: not an inward process. It becomes an outward process, so
Speaker 1: you end up relying on others' opinions to help you
Speaker 1: make life decisions. So, if you are left with the
Speaker 1: big decision about what you want to study, where you
Speaker 1: want to move, what job you want to take, what
Speaker 1: to do in your friendships and your relationships, you may
Speaker 1: be unable to come to that decision yourself. You have
Speaker 1: to check with as many people as possible about what
Speaker 1: they think is right. Your actions also change based on
Speaker 1: how you think someone will react. You become your emotions
Speaker 1: in particular about something become very much dictated by what
Speaker 1: someone else thinks. First, you may find yourself rejecting opportunities
Speaker 1: and experiences that you really want because you worry whether
Speaker 1: others will approve, and you might even feel ashamed or
Speaker 1: like you need to excessively explain yourself if someone questions
Speaker 1: or dislikes your work, your actions, any of those things.
Speaker 1: All of this links back to letting the opinions of
Speaker 1: others dictate your life. I would also like to point out,
Speaker 1: and I've already mentioned this, that sometimes this is also
Speaker 1: born from a lack of self trust. Basically, we are
Speaker 1: no longer able to provide ourself with validation or approval.
Speaker 1: We don't trust our opinion on ourselves, so we require
Speaker 1: other people to be able to confirm or deny our worth.
Speaker 1: And you know, I really wonder why we get to
Speaker 1: the point where we are willing to trust a stranger
Speaker 1: and what they think more than ourselves, more than someone
Speaker 1: that we have known our whole life, who knows everything
Speaker 1: about us, more than anyone else. At some point, though,
Speaker 1: you do have to make a choice. Would you rather
Speaker 1: people like you or would you rather like yourself? I
Speaker 1: think it gets to a point where this is really
Speaker 1: what it comes down to, And actually it's bigger than that.
Speaker 1: It's would you rather actually live the life life you want?
Speaker 1: Wouldn't you rather give yourself the space to figure out
Speaker 1: what's best for you without trying to fit into someone
Speaker 1: else's box. There was a quote I read the other
Speaker 1: day that I think captures this perfectly. It's said, by
Speaker 1: being concerned about what other people think, we avoid the
Speaker 1: short term pain of rejection or the possible loss of
Speaker 1: status in exchange for the long term loss of missing
Speaker 1: out on a life truly worth living. So let's talk
Speaker 1: about what happens when we invest too heavily in other
Speaker 1: people's opinions at the expense of our own. The first
Speaker 1: thing we are likely to experience is a dependence on
Speaker 1: external validation, which will make it hard to do things
Speaker 1: purely for the joy of doing them or because we
Speaker 1: want to in order to keep up our supply of
Speaker 1: external validation. As well, we kind of become like addicts,
Speaker 1: so we might develop people pleasing tendencies and end up
Speaker 1: feeling very used, resentful, exhausted. We may avoid conflict or
Speaker 1: suppress our needs in order to maintain others approval, despite
Speaker 1: feeling worse about ourselves in other areas of our life.
Speaker 1: This also crucially makes our self worth incredibly unstable, because
Speaker 1: the opinions of others they aren't something that we can
Speaker 1: rely on. They're fickle. People change their minds all the time.
Speaker 1: Their approval of us is often based on what they want,
Speaker 1: not what's best for us. I think about this in
Speaker 1: the context as well of celebrities who go from being
Speaker 1: darlings to being hated overnight when public opinion turns. Because
Speaker 1: it is incredibly fickle, it is not something to be
Speaker 1: relied on. But also on a more individual level, if
Speaker 1: you're not a celebrity, when people realize that you rely
Speaker 1: on their judgment and that you want them to like you,
Speaker 1: this can also be really in some ways used to
Speaker 1: manipulate you into saying yes, into overdoing, overgiving just being,
Speaker 1: and giving them too much of yourself at the expense
Speaker 1: of you. We also end up over analyzing others' perceptions
Speaker 1: of us, and that can lead to really heightened anxiety,
Speaker 1: particularly in social settings. I feel like caring about other
Speaker 1: people's opinions is a hallmark of social anxiety because we
Speaker 1: imagine there is this big spotlight on our every move
Speaker 1: and that you know one misstep will result in a disaster.
Speaker 1: And when other people's opinions become a fixation in a
Speaker 1: main worry, This also slowly erodes our authenticity. Because we
Speaker 1: want to be liked more than we want to honor ourselves,
Speaker 1: one of those things feels more important to us, and
Speaker 1: that can lead to a disconnect between your values, your beliefs,
Speaker 1: your preferences, your likes, and your behavior. I don't think
Speaker 1: I need to tell you that what you're left with
Speaker 1: is really nothing. You just end up being an amalgamation
Speaker 1: of what everyone else wants you to be. So there
Speaker 1: is a distinct feeling of emptiness and a lack of
Speaker 1: fulfillment that comes along with this. There was a twenty
Speaker 1: seventeen paper written about this called Authenticity as a Predictor
Speaker 1: of Mental health, and it looked at seven hundred and
Speaker 1: six students and it found that those who practiced authentic living,
Speaker 1: who could name five of their personal values, they reported
Speaker 1: being not as easily swayed by external influence. They were happier,
Speaker 1: They were more satisfied with their lives because they just
Speaker 1: had less noise around whether what they were doing was right.
Speaker 1: Two more impacts of this, but I'll keep them short
Speaker 1: and sweet. Because they want to mainly focus on the solutions,
Speaker 1: a fear of criticism or rejection. Specifically, it also might
Speaker 1: prevent us from taking risks embracing opportunities, which I think
Speaker 1: is something that is essential during this decade. And finally,
Speaker 1: there's been evidence to suggest that it may mean we
Speaker 1: actually make worse decisions, so we either don't make a decision,
Speaker 1: or when we do, it's not the one we actually want,
Speaker 1: because we're making decisions that don't align with previously expressed
Speaker 1: goals or desires, and we second guess ourselves and it
Speaker 1: kind of feels like we're being guided by two separate
Speaker 1: and competing forces, what we want and what others think
Speaker 1: we want. And I imagine it like a tug of
Speaker 1: war where both sides is equally strong, so the thing
Speaker 1: in the middle, which is you, remain stagnant. There was
Speaker 1: a twenty twelve article another one that I found, published
Speaker 1: in the Journal of Human Behavior and Human Decision Making,
Speaker 1: and it also examined what happens when we let others
Speaker 1: not just dictate, but make decisions for us through their opinions,
Speaker 1: and it turns out that when we follow what someone
Speaker 1: else thinks we can do, we often end up a
Speaker 1: lot less happy because often they don't choose with our
Speaker 1: interests in mind. They choose what they think is best
Speaker 1: based on their philosophies, based on their expectations of us
Speaker 1: and our happiness, and their appreciation of our values and
Speaker 1: what we want just doesn't matter to them as much
Speaker 1: we know ourselves. I want you to remember, you know
Speaker 1: who you are. You have been with you since the beginning.
Speaker 1: So we have to learn to trust that we will
Speaker 1: be okay if people don't like us and if we
Speaker 1: don't do things the way that they want us to
Speaker 1: do them. And there is a real power in that,
Speaker 1: but there is also real genuine peace. You know. I'm
Speaker 1: saying this as someone who used to be so worried
Speaker 1: about it, especially when I was in UNI. I just
Speaker 1: was changing myself constantly based on who I was around,
Speaker 1: and I never knew who I was ever. So how
Speaker 1: do we move past that instinct even when it feels impossible.
Speaker 1: What does the psychology tell us about rewiring our opinions
Speaker 1: and our attitude towards ourselves. Well, we are going to
Speaker 1: talk about all of that and so much more after
Speaker 1: this shortbreak. With all that we're discussing today, I really
Speaker 1: don't want it to come off like I'm dismissing the
Speaker 1: sting of being disliked and that I'm saying that it's
Speaker 1: not painful, because it is feeling rejected, criticized, even hated.
Speaker 1: It's an incredibly painful experience. Specifically, I illicits social pain,
Speaker 1: and I wouldn't blame anyone for wanting to avoid that
Speaker 1: if they could. So if you are someone who is
Speaker 1: struggling with it, I'm not sitting here being like, be stronger,
Speaker 1: you're just so weak willed grow a spine. Absolutely not,
Speaker 1: because I know how insidious that that feels like. That
Speaker 1: urge to be validated by others feels like it's just
Speaker 1: so innate in us, and I really struggle with it
Speaker 1: at times, especially when I get troll comments or negative comments.
Speaker 1: They're not something that I easily forget, even if I
Speaker 1: try really hard. So it would be facetious to suggest
Speaker 1: that it doesn't cross my mind, or that I'm perfect,
Speaker 1: or that there is any one person who doesn't care. Actually,
Speaker 1: I think someone who doesn't care at all would probably
Speaker 1: have a slight problem, because there are times when you
Speaker 1: should really consider what other people think and feel about
Speaker 1: a situation. That's how we experience empathy. So not caring
Speaker 1: at all it's also not a great thing. But what
Speaker 1: I would like to remind myself and you as well,
Speaker 1: is that people who think truly negative things about others
Speaker 1: and who then go on to express them, I wouldn't
Speaker 1: want to live even a day, not alone, you know,
Speaker 1: not even in their mind, in their shoes. I wouldn't
Speaker 1: want their life. So why in the world would I
Speaker 1: let them dictate mine? It would be a very dark
Speaker 1: place to live live inside the mind of someone who
Speaker 1: brings that kind of negativity to the world, who says
Speaker 1: those things, let alone thinks them. It would be very
Speaker 1: hard life to be someone who deliberately tries to tear
Speaker 1: others down. And if they are thinking all of those
Speaker 1: things about others, what happens when they turn the spotlight
Speaker 1: back onto themselves. You have probably heard of the saying
Speaker 1: hurt people, hurt people. There is a lot more truth
Speaker 1: to that than you may know. The study of support
Speaker 1: that people who criticize others are often more insecure than
Speaker 1: you or I. So there was a really amazing paper
Speaker 1: in twenty eighteen on ostracism and aggression, so aggression particularly online,
Speaker 1: and it found that people who have felt excluded or
Speaker 1: rejected in the past, they are more likely to express
Speaker 1: negativity and aggression, particularly verbal aggression towards others, and the
Speaker 1: people they most turn this hatred towards is those they
Speaker 1: feel have a higher status than them. It's why the
Speaker 1: age odds saying is often proven to be true. People
Speaker 1: always hate those who they think are doing better than them,
Speaker 1: and you want to know why. You want to know
Speaker 1: why they do that. It's because if they can't be
Speaker 1: where you are, the second best option for them is
Speaker 1: for you to join them where they are. If they,
Speaker 1: you know, can pull you down to their level, they
Speaker 1: can still feel like they've won because at least you're
Speaker 1: not ahead of them, making them feel any more insecure
Speaker 1: than they already feel. So these groups of people, these
Speaker 1: ultimate haters, they make up their own class. I like
Speaker 1: to call them the insecure critics. But if we want
Speaker 1: to dive even further into the research, you would also
Speaker 1: find that the majority of the time, the average Joe,
Speaker 1: most people aren't really thinking about you at all. So
Speaker 1: this was revealed in a study by three social psyche cologists.
Speaker 1: Their names were Garscooney, Erica Boothy, and Marianna Lee, and
Speaker 1: they did their research on what they call the thought gap,
Speaker 1: and this explains how we tend to think that we
Speaker 1: take up more space in someone else's mind than we do.
Speaker 1: And the reason we think that, the reason we have
Speaker 1: this thought gap is because we only have direct access
Speaker 1: to our own thoughts and what are we thinking about.
Speaker 1: More than anything else, We're thinking about ourselves, so we naturally,
Speaker 1: subconsciously without knowing it, assume that other people must be
Speaker 1: thinking about us too, and that they must be thinking
Speaker 1: the same thoughts. They're on the same page as us.
Speaker 1: Therefore we overestimate how much they truly notice. It's a
Speaker 1: common cognitive and social bias that brings about a lot
Speaker 1: of implicit self scrutiny. And there's even more research on
Speaker 1: this as well, and it shows that we actually tend
Speaker 1: to implant our own securities onto others thoughts, and we
Speaker 1: assume that they can see all the things that only
Speaker 1: we can notice. You may also know this as the
Speaker 1: spotlight effect. And I had this experience with a friend
Speaker 1: recently where this was very clear to me. We were
Speaker 1: looking through pictures from her birthday party and there was
Speaker 1: this truly beautiful photo of her like smiling with a
Speaker 1: bunch of our friends. Her hair was like impeccable, she
Speaker 1: had a beautiful outfit on her makeup was like stunning everything.
Speaker 1: I literally saw the photo and gasped because I was like,
Speaker 1: you just look so great, and she immediately was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, no, can't you see my double chin?
Speaker 1: And can't you see my arms? Like don't let anyone
Speaker 1: post that. And of course I hadn't noticed a single
Speaker 1: one of these features because others don't search for our
Speaker 1: insecurities the way that we do. And I want to
Speaker 1: just say that one more time. Other people do not
Speaker 1: search for our insecurities the way that we do. So
Speaker 1: these are just a few reminders if you're in a
Speaker 1: spiral or you feel bombarded by imaginary or real judgments
Speaker 1: from those around you. Let's move on to some more
Speaker 1: practical tips though. My first big tip if you struggle
Speaker 1: with caring too much about what other people think other
Speaker 1: people think, is I want you to make an opinion hierarchy,
Speaker 1: or rank the kind of opinions that you are likely
Speaker 1: to encounter. So at the bottom of your ladder, at
Speaker 1: the bottom of your scale, it should be complete strangers.
Speaker 1: Complete strangers. Their opinions do not matter. They have no
Speaker 1: clue who you are. They really aren't invested in you
Speaker 1: as a person. They don't care about your growth. Your
Speaker 1: existence means very little to them, so their opinion ranks
Speaker 1: on the bottom. They are more likely to care about
Speaker 1: what you can do for them and how making you
Speaker 1: feel bad can make them feel better, than they are
Speaker 1: to actually want what's best for you. The second tier
Speaker 1: is acquaintances. Then it's colleagues, then it's friends. Then we
Speaker 1: have the silver circle close friends. I'm talking friends that
Speaker 1: are on a real family members. And then finally, also
Speaker 1: in that silver circle, it's family members who trust, and
Speaker 1: also your partner might be included here as well. That's
Speaker 1: the inner sanctum. That's the silver circle, though we also
Speaker 1: have the gold circle. Who is left to belong in
Speaker 1: the gold circle, it's you, you and you only. I
Speaker 1: want you to draw out this diagram or this image,
Speaker 1: however you see it in your mind. I want you
Speaker 1: to draw it out, put it on your mirror, somewhere
Speaker 1: in your car, front page of your diary, whatever it is,
Speaker 1: as a reminder of how other people's judgments rank compared
Speaker 1: to your own. I think the big problem with spending
Speaker 1: too much time thinking about the thoughts of others is
Speaker 1: that we end up becoming detached or disconnected from our
Speaker 1: own opinion about something, including ourself, so our intuition becomes
Speaker 1: injured because we're letting too many voices interrupt. So what
Speaker 1: I really want you to do is is opposite to
Speaker 1: what your you know, what your gut feeling is saying.
Speaker 1: And I want you to actually let yourself acknowledge the
Speaker 1: opinions of others, let yourself really lean in, let yourself
Speaker 1: really absorb it, don't ignore it, and then ask yourself, Okay,
Speaker 1: but what do I think all of this aside? I've listened,
Speaker 1: I've given you the I've given you your time, I've listened.
Speaker 1: Now what is my opinion? And which one is going
Speaker 1: to make me happier to listen? To think about it?
Speaker 1: In the context of an outfit, that's a very simple
Speaker 1: enough example. You might ask all your friends what do
Speaker 1: you think? What do you think about this look? Fifty
Speaker 1: percent of them might say I hate it, twenty five
Speaker 1: percent say yeah, it's fine, twenty five percent say it's
Speaker 1: really beautiful, I like it. Let those perspectives sink in,
Speaker 1: and then turn around and say, all right, time to
Speaker 1: ask myself what's my opinion? And based on that hierarchy,
Speaker 1: what do I choose to do? Here. This also is
Speaker 1: important because it allows yourself to be exposed to judgment
Speaker 1: without letting it, you know, kind of penetrate the armor,
Speaker 1: knowing that you can listen and not be hurt by it.
Speaker 1: These opinions through this process will start to feel less
Speaker 1: and less important to you as your opinion and intuition
Speaker 1: become louder and louder and louder, until you don't need
Speaker 1: to ask for validation about not just outfit choices, but
Speaker 1: everything else in your life. That's really what the people
Speaker 1: who you see who are just crushing it are doing.
Speaker 1: Those people you see who are so authentic and true
Speaker 1: to themselves and they have great style, and they've always
Speaker 1: focused on something, and they're deeply committed and they let
Speaker 1: mean things bounce off them, they have in some ways
Speaker 1: done this exercise in the past, even if they don't
Speaker 1: realize it. Second, if you want to start turning inwards
Speaker 1: for validation rather than outwards, it's really important to strengthen
Speaker 1: yourself sense of self and your identity and make sure
Speaker 1: you remind yourself what is important to me. I'm going
Speaker 1: to ask you right now, what are three things that
Speaker 1: are really important to you? Right now? I'll give you
Speaker 1: a few seconds. The thing is if you don't know,
Speaker 1: if you can't name them, I think your identity needs
Speaker 1: a few renovations, It needs a few additions. You want
Speaker 1: to have that strong personal internal home that you can
Speaker 1: come back to. Also, I think focus on being a good,
Speaker 1: authentic person rather than just an agreeable person. You can
Speaker 1: be someone who is kind, self assured, who has amazing
Speaker 1: things going for them, and also who can stick up
Speaker 1: for themselves. You can be someone who still you know,
Speaker 1: listens to their family, listens to theat to their friends,
Speaker 1: does ask for advice, and does seek counsel. But also
Speaker 1: when they have a gut feeling, when they have an instinct,
Speaker 1: when they like something, they know how to act on it. Really,
Speaker 1: what it comes down to is don't let yourself doubt
Speaker 1: yourself any further, Like, don't do that to yourself. Don't
Speaker 1: you know second guess yourself. Don't feel like again the
Speaker 1: opinion of a stranger is more worthwhile than yours. Instead,
Speaker 1: I want you to commit deeply and without compromise to
Speaker 1: what you want and what you want to do and
Speaker 1: what you care about, and make sure that if someone
Speaker 1: asked you what do you care about? You would know
Speaker 1: how to answer, you'd know how to respond. Make an
Speaker 1: investment in yourself by choosing one goal, one hobby, one passion.
Speaker 1: You want to work out and make yourself a good
Speaker 1: life full of things that you care about way more
Speaker 1: than others, and that you could continue to do even
Speaker 1: if the world hated it. You know, I just don't
Speaker 1: let your life just be you know, work, come home,
Speaker 1: watch TV, or to take away, maybe hang out with
Speaker 1: your friends on the week, and let everyone else dictate
Speaker 1: what you do. I just don't think that's a strong
Speaker 1: foundation for a good life. I don't think it's a
Speaker 1: strong foundation for a good sense of self. And it
Speaker 1: will make you easily swayed. It will make you feel
Speaker 1: like you don't know how to do things. You don't
Speaker 1: know what you want, you don't know what you like.
Speaker 1: But are you giving yourself enough new experiences and external
Speaker 1: stimulus and excitement to actually give yourself the chance to
Speaker 1: know what you want? Finally, finally, I want you to
Speaker 1: adopt the five five five rule. Basically, the five five
Speaker 1: five rule looks at other people's opinions or thoughts of you.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I keep using the I don't like
Speaker 1: your outfit one a lot. It just seems easy. You know,
Speaker 1: you're not fit enough, you don't look the way, you're
Speaker 1: not attractive, you don't look how I want you to look.
Speaker 1: You're never going to be successful. I don't believe in you.
Speaker 1: Whatever it is that someone has told you at some
Speaker 1: point in your life, it looks at the opinions of others,
Speaker 1: and it says, will it matter in five days? Will
Speaker 1: it matter in five months? Will it matter in five years?
Speaker 1: And crucially, will it matter if I don't listen? Obviously,
Speaker 1: if you take something deeply at heart, it will still
Speaker 1: matter in five years. But if you just treat someone's
Speaker 1: opinion with complete neutrality, will it matter? And the rule
Speaker 1: of five says that the only things we should concern
Speaker 1: ourselves with are issues or problems that will still be
Speaker 1: impacting us in five years time. So what I'm talking
Speaker 1: about there is genuine feedback that someone is giving you
Speaker 1: in good faith to help you improve your life. That
Speaker 1: is what will matter in five years time. A family
Speaker 1: member saying you know, I don't think like this way
Speaker 1: of going about your life is harming you. That's an
Speaker 1: opinion you should listen to. Or a boss saying, hey,
Speaker 1: if you have so much potential. But if you don't
Speaker 1: do this thing, if you don't fix this thing, if
Speaker 1: you don't expand this part of yourself more, you won't
Speaker 1: get ahead. That's an opinion you should listen to. But
Speaker 1: you know, mean snarky criticism from a coworker, strange look
Speaker 1: from lady on train, someone on the internet trolling you,
Speaker 1: opinion of old friend from high school that's not five
Speaker 1: year worthy so they can be acknowledged and swiftly dismissed.
Speaker 1: My last tip and it does kind of link to
Speaker 1: that one as well, is choose your people wisely. Choose
Speaker 1: people to be around you who you aspire to be like,
Speaker 1: who respect you, who you respect, who will help you
Speaker 1: course correct, but also who encourage you rather than bring
Speaker 1: you down. There is no backhanded compliments, there is no
Speaker 1: worrying what they'll think. We all know the experience of
Speaker 1: having a friend who you can never quite tell whether
Speaker 1: they want to see you fail or whether they want
Speaker 1: to build you up, or whether they just want something
Speaker 1: from you like There is some people who are like that,
Speaker 1: and again I want to mind you. They deserve love,
Speaker 1: they deserve respect because they're probably going through it themselves.
Speaker 1: Like if your existence brings out that insecurity in them.
Speaker 1: It's because they were already insecure. So really choose people
Speaker 1: who you know are going to elevate you, who will
Speaker 1: never make you question what it is about you that
Speaker 1: is authentic and pure and true to you. And I
Speaker 1: think that that makes you more confident in your own decisions,
Speaker 1: more confident in who you are, because you're not worried
Speaker 1: about the immediate threat or possibility of upsetting someone or
Speaker 1: disappointing someone. So those are just some of the tips
Speaker 1: that I wanted to give you today. Honestly, I could
Speaker 1: give you millions more. Everyone else. Everyone really has their
Speaker 1: own ways of thinking about it. Some people like to
Speaker 1: imagine a big, giant orb that surrounds them that other
Speaker 1: people's opinions bounce off of. Some people quite like to
Speaker 1: get quite existential with it. They like to, you know,
Speaker 1: really focus on the fact that we get one life.
Speaker 1: No one's going to remember you, And that is actually
Speaker 1: a really helpful thought, And it's quite nice to imagine
Speaker 1: the kind of liberty and peace and freedom that comes
Speaker 1: with no one really ever being able to remember your actions.
Speaker 1: So it is really about finding out what works for you.
Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, really building up
Speaker 1: the parts of you that are going to be strong
Speaker 1: and that are going to be foundations for you, no
Speaker 1: matter what anyone else thinks, feels, says, believes, whatever it is.
Speaker 1: So I hope you enjoyed this episode. Please, if you've
Speaker 1: made it this far, leave a little cloud emoji in
Speaker 1: the comment section and leave your thoughts on what you
Speaker 1: learned from this episode, whether you think you can apply
Speaker 1: it to your own life. I love seeing how far
Speaker 1: people get and it's always really cute to be like, oh, hello,
Speaker 1: my finishes my people who are committed to the episode.
Speaker 1: So again, thank you for listening. Also, if you haven't
Speaker 1: yet listened to Mantra, if you liked this episode, I
Speaker 1: really think you're gonna like Mantra. It's basically pep talks
Speaker 1: for your week that can ground you. So I'll leave
Speaker 1: a link in the description. Make sure you are following
Speaker 1: along on Instagram. At that Psychology Podcast, we do episode summaries,
Speaker 1: We do polls all the time. I ask you for
Speaker 1: your opinions on episodes, so it'd be great to see
Speaker 1: you over there. And until next time, stay safe, be kind,
Speaker 1: and above all else, be gentle to yourself. We will
Speaker 1: talk very very soon