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Speaker 1: Hello, everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to

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Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in

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Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here.

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Speaker 1: Back for another episode as we, of course break down

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Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties today, we're diving into a

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Speaker 1: topic that I think resonates with about every single one

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Speaker 1: of us, and that is how to care less about

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Speaker 1: what other people think about you. Let us be completely

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Speaker 1: real and transparent here. This is a lot easier said

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Speaker 1: than done. We all know that worrying about the opinions

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Speaker 1: of others will rob us of our authenticity, It will

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Speaker 1: make us less happy, it will disturb our peace of mind.

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Speaker 1: And yet there is this little voice inside our heads

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Speaker 1: whispering things like, what will they think of me? What

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Speaker 1: if they don't like me? Is the world going to end?

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Speaker 1: Will this choice make me look good to others? And

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Speaker 1: it's not our inner critic, it's something else. It's our

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Speaker 1: inner need for approval, our inner animal, primal version of

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Speaker 1: us who wants to belong and not upset others. And

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Speaker 1: the problem is that it can become a real mental

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Speaker 1: barrier if we let it dominate the choices we make

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Speaker 1: in our twenties, our behavior, our decisions, and ultimately our lives.

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Speaker 1: I think during this decade it's quite a fragile time

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Speaker 1: where we really are just trying to figure out so

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Speaker 1: many big questions, and sometimes we rely too heavily on

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Speaker 1: what other people think is best or what other people

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Speaker 1: think we should be doing. And when we have fixated

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Speaker 1: on these possible or actual judgments, it's like we have

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Speaker 1: to hold up every life decision to a different light,

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Speaker 1: under a different light, and think, how's this person going

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Speaker 1: to see it? How about this person? Am I still

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Speaker 1: going to have their approval? And this often happens before

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Speaker 1: we do anything, even without us knowing. But deep down,

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Speaker 1: oftentimes we already know who we are, We already know

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Speaker 1: what we want. We just have to fight against this

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Speaker 1: weirdly misplaced instinct to be validated by others before we

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Speaker 1: truly are able to trust ourselves. And I really do

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Speaker 1: think it comes down to a lack of self trust.

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Speaker 1: We don't trust that we know what's right, and we

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Speaker 1: don't trust that we'll be able to survive the potential

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Speaker 1: negative judgments of friends, of family members, of random strangers.

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Speaker 1: So in this episode, I want us to really dig

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Speaker 1: deep into the psychology of why why do we care

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Speaker 1: so much in the first place, Where does this instinct

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Speaker 1: come from, and how does it impact our search for

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Speaker 1: self esteem, for purpose, for authenticity really in our twenties,

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Speaker 1: and most importantly, most importantly of all, how can we

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Speaker 1: start letting go of this need for approval so that

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Speaker 1: we can live the lives that we truly want. We're

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Speaker 1: going to talk about evolutionary psychology, childhood experiences. I also

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Speaker 1: share course some practical tips to help you shift your

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Speaker 1: focus inward, to trust your own judgment and to really

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Speaker 1: strengthen your sense of self, as well as my famous

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Speaker 1: rule of fives that I swear by. And hopefully by

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Speaker 1: the end of this episode you feel inspired, You feel

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Speaker 1: equipped to prioritize your own opinion and to truly honor

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Speaker 1: who you are without being weighed down by the noise

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Speaker 1: of others. Really, this is the episode that I wish

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Speaker 1: I had when I was younger. All of this information

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Speaker 1: is things that I've had to learn and that I

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Speaker 1: wish I could tell a past version of myself. But

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Speaker 1: now I get to tell you, guys, which is honestly

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Speaker 1: just as good. So without further ado, let's get into

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Speaker 1: the psychology about why we care and how do care

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Speaker 1: less about what other people think. So this has been

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Speaker 1: on my mind quite a lot recently, and the reason

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Speaker 1: being is because I launched my new podcast, Mantra a

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Speaker 1: couple of weeks ago, and for those of you who

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Speaker 1: haven't listened to it yet, it's basically a weekly show

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Speaker 1: where I dive into some kind of inspiring affirmation or

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Speaker 1: reminder for you to bring with you throughout the week.

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Speaker 1: So the one we did last week was I Cultivate

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Speaker 1: Peace Within, I Embrace growth and change, that kind of thing.

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Speaker 1: And it's just a place for me to kind of

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Speaker 1: express wisdom and be a little bit more philosophical and

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Speaker 1: a bit more grounding compared to the Psychology of your twenties,

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Speaker 1: which is more science based. And before I announced that

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Speaker 1: show and launched that show, I had this huge fear

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Speaker 1: that so many people were going to look turn around

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Speaker 1: look at me doing this and say, oh, we hate it,

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Speaker 1: we hate that you're doing that. That's not what we

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Speaker 1: want boo. Like, just stick to what you know, stick

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Speaker 1: to what you're good at. And it really got into

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Speaker 1: my head. I was like, is this a good idea?

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Speaker 1: Should I even be doing this? And The thing was,

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Speaker 1: no one even knew that I was other than you know,

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Speaker 1: my team and like my wonderful support network. No one

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Speaker 1: who is a listener of the show who doesn't know

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Speaker 1: me knew that I was putting this out, and yet

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Speaker 1: I was putting words into their mouth, and they were

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Speaker 1: the words that I most feared. That I would be judged,

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Speaker 1: that people wouldn't like it, that I would be criticized,

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Speaker 1: And it got to the point where I was almost like, Oh,

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Speaker 1: this is just this is such a bad decision, like

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Speaker 1: they already hate it without ever actually even having shown anyone.

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Speaker 1: And it really got me thinking around how many opportunities

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Speaker 1: and how many things in your life have you not

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Speaker 1: done or have you stopped yourself from doing because you

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Speaker 1: were imagining what other people think before they even have

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Speaker 1: the chance to think it or say it. And that's

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Speaker 1: really the conundrum that we find ourselves in a lot,

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Speaker 1: and it holds us back. Just having that experience made

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Speaker 1: me realize how many other areas of my life I

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Speaker 1: have already been held back by other's opinions, real or imaginary,

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Speaker 1: and how I wish that that hadn't been the case.

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Speaker 1: Before we get into how to stop that from happening.

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Speaker 1: I think we need to just know the basics, which

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Speaker 1: is why that's the million dollar question, right, why does

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Speaker 1: this happen? Why do we care? You could know what

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Speaker 1: it's costing you and you still can't ignore it. The

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Speaker 1: reason this voice, the voice of others, the voice of

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Speaker 1: some ambiguous hater or person feel so omnipresent has two

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Speaker 1: really important explanations. The first is a very evolutionary explanation.

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Speaker 1: We are tribal creatures who previously relied on the approval

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Speaker 1: and acceptance of others to survive, and so to make

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Speaker 1: sure we aren't alienated from our social group, which would

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Speaker 1: in the past have ensured immediate certain death, come very

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Speaker 1: attuned to what other people think. And this part of us,

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Speaker 1: it really originated and developed way before civilization was as

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Speaker 1: large and expansive as it is today. It originated and

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Speaker 1: evolved and developed when we did live in very small

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Speaker 1: communities where the opinion of your neighbor, the opinion of

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Speaker 1: the person in the hut next door, was significant for

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Speaker 1: your life. So those parts of the brain that are

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Speaker 1: responsible for triggering our fear of rejection or of abandonment,

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Speaker 1: they are part of what we call the old brain

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Speaker 1: or the reptilian brain, which is why they feel so

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Speaker 1: almost instantaneous. It's why they feel so out of our

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Speaker 1: control because they are meant to function almost automatically. The

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Speaker 1: other part of our brain that really plays a role

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Speaker 1: in this is the frontal lobe. These two areas, they

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Speaker 1: have taken a long time to evolve and a long

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Speaker 1: time to take place, and they have also been around

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Speaker 1: for many, many, many generations. And considering how rapidly society

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Speaker 1: has grown and our networks have expanded from maybe fifty

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Speaker 1: people to literally hundreds of thousands that we can access online,

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Speaker 1: and how you know that's only been in the last

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Speaker 1: twenty years. Basically, these old parts of our brain haven't

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Speaker 1: caught up with the context and how easily it is

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Speaker 1: to be judged at basically any given moment online and

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Speaker 1: in a much much larger society. How I explain it

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Speaker 1: is that the old part of your brain that is

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Speaker 1: used to caring about the judgments of others and being

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Speaker 1: very socially attuned. That is like trying to run a

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Speaker 1: complex computer game on the first ever MacBook. You know,

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Speaker 1: the system is obviously going to get overwhelmed, and that

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Speaker 1: is your brain trying to manage this hypersocial modern context

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Speaker 1: of a thousand opinions on a system that developed when

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Speaker 1: that wasn't the case. So the second explanation for why

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Speaker 1: we care, which is very much link to what we

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Speaker 1: just spoke about, it's to do with our self esteem

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Speaker 1: and how our identity and part really is reliant on

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Speaker 1: the opinions and approval of others. Even from a very

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Speaker 1: young age, we sense and we know that if people

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Speaker 1: like us, life will be easier and we will feel

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Speaker 1: good about ourselves because people will be kind to us,

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Speaker 1: they'll want to help us, they won't outright harm us.

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Speaker 1: So it's in that way that sometimes our acknowledgment and

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Speaker 1: our fear of other people's opinions is sometimes a protective mechanism.

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Speaker 1: There have been studies showing that from as young as

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Speaker 1: maybe two years old, we are aware that we are

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Speaker 1: being evaluated by others, and by around five we actually

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Speaker 1: begin to check our behavior in certain circumstances based on

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Speaker 1: what we think others will like or will be favorable towards.

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Speaker 1: So this interaction this is called approval seeking behavior. Wanting

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Speaker 1: to be liked, wanting to be seen as good, wanting

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Speaker 1: to be validated, and rewarded by another person in order

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Speaker 1: for that process to kind of take place. In order

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Speaker 1: to seek approval, you have to firstly acknowledge that other

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Speaker 1: people have opinions, and secondly, you have to be able

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Speaker 1: to make a decision as to whether you want to

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Speaker 1: let that opinion dictate your behavior based on what you

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Speaker 1: think the outcome will be for you. And when we

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Speaker 1: become very obsessed with other people's opinions, implicitly we believe

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Speaker 1: that doing so is going to help us more than

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Speaker 1: it will harm us. I don't think that's the case.

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Speaker 1: I also don't think that it will come as a

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Speaker 1: surprise that excessive approval seeking behavior in adulthood is linked

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Speaker 1: to early childhood experiences, particularly what we call adverse childhood experiences. So,

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Speaker 1: if you were highly criticized as a child, if you

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Speaker 1: were neglected by those who were meant to love you most,

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Speaker 1: you were ignored, you were bullied. Approval is something you

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Speaker 1: want more than anything else, because you know what it

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Speaker 1: feels like and how terrible it is to not have it.

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Speaker 1: You know how cold and solitary and lonely it feels

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Speaker 1: to not be liked and to not be told that

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Speaker 1: you're good. A twenty twenty one paper actually that I

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Speaker 1: found when researching this. It looked at bullying in particular,

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Speaker 1: and it linked childhood bullying to greater approval seeking behavior

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Speaker 1: as adults, and specifically a lot more people pleasing and

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Speaker 1: self sacrificing behavior as well approval seeking as an adult.

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Speaker 1: I should probably tell you what that looks like. It's

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Speaker 1: basically what we would describe as caring too much about

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Speaker 1: what other people think. What other people think, but it's

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Speaker 1: not an inward process. It becomes an outward process, so

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Speaker 1: you end up relying on others' opinions to help you

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Speaker 1: make life decisions. So, if you are left with the

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Speaker 1: big decision about what you want to study, where you

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Speaker 1: want to move, what job you want to take, what

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Speaker 1: to do in your friendships and your relationships, you may

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Speaker 1: be unable to come to that decision yourself. You have

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Speaker 1: to check with as many people as possible about what

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Speaker 1: they think is right. Your actions also change based on

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Speaker 1: how you think someone will react. You become your emotions

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Speaker 1: in particular about something become very much dictated by what

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Speaker 1: someone else thinks. First, you may find yourself rejecting opportunities

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Speaker 1: and experiences that you really want because you worry whether

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Speaker 1: others will approve, and you might even feel ashamed or

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Speaker 1: like you need to excessively explain yourself if someone questions

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Speaker 1: or dislikes your work, your actions, any of those things.

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Speaker 1: All of this links back to letting the opinions of

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Speaker 1: others dictate your life. I would also like to point out,

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Speaker 1: and I've already mentioned this, that sometimes this is also

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Speaker 1: born from a lack of self trust. Basically, we are

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Speaker 1: no longer able to provide ourself with validation or approval.

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Speaker 1: We don't trust our opinion on ourselves, so we require

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Speaker 1: other people to be able to confirm or deny our worth.

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Speaker 1: And you know, I really wonder why we get to

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Speaker 1: the point where we are willing to trust a stranger

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Speaker 1: and what they think more than ourselves, more than someone

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Speaker 1: that we have known our whole life, who knows everything

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Speaker 1: about us, more than anyone else. At some point, though,

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Speaker 1: you do have to make a choice. Would you rather

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Speaker 1: people like you or would you rather like yourself? I

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Speaker 1: think it gets to a point where this is really

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Speaker 1: what it comes down to, And actually it's bigger than that.

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Speaker 1: It's would you rather actually live the life life you want?

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Speaker 1: Wouldn't you rather give yourself the space to figure out

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Speaker 1: what's best for you without trying to fit into someone

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Speaker 1: else's box. There was a quote I read the other

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Speaker 1: day that I think captures this perfectly. It's said, by

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Speaker 1: being concerned about what other people think, we avoid the

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Speaker 1: short term pain of rejection or the possible loss of

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Speaker 1: status in exchange for the long term loss of missing

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Speaker 1: out on a life truly worth living. So let's talk

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Speaker 1: about what happens when we invest too heavily in other

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Speaker 1: people's opinions at the expense of our own. The first

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Speaker 1: thing we are likely to experience is a dependence on

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Speaker 1: external validation, which will make it hard to do things

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Speaker 1: purely for the joy of doing them or because we

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Speaker 1: want to in order to keep up our supply of

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Speaker 1: external validation. As well, we kind of become like addicts,

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Speaker 1: so we might develop people pleasing tendencies and end up

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Speaker 1: feeling very used, resentful, exhausted. We may avoid conflict or

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Speaker 1: suppress our needs in order to maintain others approval, despite

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Speaker 1: feeling worse about ourselves in other areas of our life.

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Speaker 1: This also crucially makes our self worth incredibly unstable, because

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Speaker 1: the opinions of others they aren't something that we can

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Speaker 1: rely on. They're fickle. People change their minds all the time.

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Speaker 1: Their approval of us is often based on what they want,

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Speaker 1: not what's best for us. I think about this in

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Speaker 1: the context as well of celebrities who go from being

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Speaker 1: darlings to being hated overnight when public opinion turns. Because

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Speaker 1: it is incredibly fickle, it is not something to be

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Speaker 1: relied on. But also on a more individual level, if

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Speaker 1: you're not a celebrity, when people realize that you rely

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Speaker 1: on their judgment and that you want them to like you,

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Speaker 1: this can also be really in some ways used to

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Speaker 1: manipulate you into saying yes, into overdoing, overgiving just being,

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Speaker 1: and giving them too much of yourself at the expense

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Speaker 1: of you. We also end up over analyzing others' perceptions

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Speaker 1: of us, and that can lead to really heightened anxiety,

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Speaker 1: particularly in social settings. I feel like caring about other

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Speaker 1: people's opinions is a hallmark of social anxiety because we

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Speaker 1: imagine there is this big spotlight on our every move

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Speaker 1: and that you know one misstep will result in a disaster.

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Speaker 1: And when other people's opinions become a fixation in a

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Speaker 1: main worry, This also slowly erodes our authenticity. Because we

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Speaker 1: want to be liked more than we want to honor ourselves,

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Speaker 1: one of those things feels more important to us, and

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Speaker 1: that can lead to a disconnect between your values, your beliefs,

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Speaker 1: your preferences, your likes, and your behavior. I don't think

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Speaker 1: I need to tell you that what you're left with

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Speaker 1: is really nothing. You just end up being an amalgamation

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Speaker 1: of what everyone else wants you to be. So there

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Speaker 1: is a distinct feeling of emptiness and a lack of

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Speaker 1: fulfillment that comes along with this. There was a twenty

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Speaker 1: seventeen paper written about this called Authenticity as a Predictor

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Speaker 1: of Mental health, and it looked at seven hundred and

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Speaker 1: six students and it found that those who practiced authentic living,

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Speaker 1: who could name five of their personal values, they reported

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Speaker 1: being not as easily swayed by external influence. They were happier,

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Speaker 1: They were more satisfied with their lives because they just

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Speaker 1: had less noise around whether what they were doing was right.

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Speaker 1: Two more impacts of this, but I'll keep them short

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Speaker 1: and sweet. Because they want to mainly focus on the solutions,

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Speaker 1: a fear of criticism or rejection. Specifically, it also might

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Speaker 1: prevent us from taking risks embracing opportunities, which I think

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Speaker 1: is something that is essential during this decade. And finally,

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Speaker 1: there's been evidence to suggest that it may mean we

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Speaker 1: actually make worse decisions, so we either don't make a decision,

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Speaker 1: or when we do, it's not the one we actually want,

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Speaker 1: because we're making decisions that don't align with previously expressed

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Speaker 1: goals or desires, and we second guess ourselves and it

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Speaker 1: kind of feels like we're being guided by two separate

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Speaker 1: and competing forces, what we want and what others think

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Speaker 1: we want. And I imagine it like a tug of

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Speaker 1: war where both sides is equally strong, so the thing

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Speaker 1: in the middle, which is you, remain stagnant. There was

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Speaker 1: a twenty twelve article another one that I found, published

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Speaker 1: in the Journal of Human Behavior and Human Decision Making,

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Speaker 1: and it also examined what happens when we let others

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Speaker 1: not just dictate, but make decisions for us through their opinions,

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Speaker 1: and it turns out that when we follow what someone

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Speaker 1: else thinks we can do, we often end up a

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Speaker 1: lot less happy because often they don't choose with our

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Speaker 1: interests in mind. They choose what they think is best

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Speaker 1: based on their philosophies, based on their expectations of us

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Speaker 1: and our happiness, and their appreciation of our values and

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Speaker 1: what we want just doesn't matter to them as much

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Speaker 1: we know ourselves. I want you to remember, you know

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Speaker 1: who you are. You have been with you since the beginning.

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Speaker 1: So we have to learn to trust that we will

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Speaker 1: be okay if people don't like us and if we

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Speaker 1: don't do things the way that they want us to

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Speaker 1: do them. And there is a real power in that,

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Speaker 1: but there is also real genuine peace. You know. I'm

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Speaker 1: saying this as someone who used to be so worried

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Speaker 1: about it, especially when I was in UNI. I just

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Speaker 1: was changing myself constantly based on who I was around,

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Speaker 1: and I never knew who I was ever. So how

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Speaker 1: do we move past that instinct even when it feels impossible.

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Speaker 1: What does the psychology tell us about rewiring our opinions

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Speaker 1: and our attitude towards ourselves. Well, we are going to

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Speaker 1: talk about all of that and so much more after

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Speaker 1: this shortbreak. With all that we're discussing today, I really

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Speaker 1: don't want it to come off like I'm dismissing the

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Speaker 1: sting of being disliked and that I'm saying that it's

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Speaker 1: not painful, because it is feeling rejected, criticized, even hated.

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Speaker 1: It's an incredibly painful experience. Specifically, I illicits social pain,

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Speaker 1: and I wouldn't blame anyone for wanting to avoid that

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Speaker 1: if they could. So if you are someone who is

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Speaker 1: struggling with it, I'm not sitting here being like, be stronger,

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Speaker 1: you're just so weak willed grow a spine. Absolutely not,

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Speaker 1: because I know how insidious that that feels like. That

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Speaker 1: urge to be validated by others feels like it's just

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Speaker 1: so innate in us, and I really struggle with it

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Speaker 1: at times, especially when I get troll comments or negative comments.

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Speaker 1: They're not something that I easily forget, even if I

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Speaker 1: try really hard. So it would be facetious to suggest

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Speaker 1: that it doesn't cross my mind, or that I'm perfect,

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Speaker 1: or that there is any one person who doesn't care. Actually,

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Speaker 1: I think someone who doesn't care at all would probably

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Speaker 1: have a slight problem, because there are times when you

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Speaker 1: should really consider what other people think and feel about

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Speaker 1: a situation. That's how we experience empathy. So not caring

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Speaker 1: at all it's also not a great thing. But what

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Speaker 1: I would like to remind myself and you as well,

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Speaker 1: is that people who think truly negative things about others

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Speaker 1: and who then go on to express them, I wouldn't

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Speaker 1: want to live even a day, not alone, you know,

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Speaker 1: not even in their mind, in their shoes. I wouldn't

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Speaker 1: want their life. So why in the world would I

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Speaker 1: let them dictate mine? It would be a very dark

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Speaker 1: place to live live inside the mind of someone who

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Speaker 1: brings that kind of negativity to the world, who says

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Speaker 1: those things, let alone thinks them. It would be very

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Speaker 1: hard life to be someone who deliberately tries to tear

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Speaker 1: others down. And if they are thinking all of those

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Speaker 1: things about others, what happens when they turn the spotlight

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Speaker 1: back onto themselves. You have probably heard of the saying

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Speaker 1: hurt people, hurt people. There is a lot more truth

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Speaker 1: to that than you may know. The study of support

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Speaker 1: that people who criticize others are often more insecure than

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Speaker 1: you or I. So there was a really amazing paper

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Speaker 1: in twenty eighteen on ostracism and aggression, so aggression particularly online,

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Speaker 1: and it found that people who have felt excluded or

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Speaker 1: rejected in the past, they are more likely to express

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Speaker 1: negativity and aggression, particularly verbal aggression towards others, and the

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Speaker 1: people they most turn this hatred towards is those they

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Speaker 1: feel have a higher status than them. It's why the

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Speaker 1: age odds saying is often proven to be true. People

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Speaker 1: always hate those who they think are doing better than them,

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Speaker 1: and you want to know why. You want to know

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Speaker 1: why they do that. It's because if they can't be

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Speaker 1: where you are, the second best option for them is

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Speaker 1: for you to join them where they are. If they,

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Speaker 1: you know, can pull you down to their level, they

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Speaker 1: can still feel like they've won because at least you're

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Speaker 1: not ahead of them, making them feel any more insecure

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Speaker 1: than they already feel. So these groups of people, these

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Speaker 1: ultimate haters, they make up their own class. I like

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Speaker 1: to call them the insecure critics. But if we want

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Speaker 1: to dive even further into the research, you would also

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Speaker 1: find that the majority of the time, the average Joe,

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Speaker 1: most people aren't really thinking about you at all. So

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Speaker 1: this was revealed in a study by three social psyche cologists.

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Speaker 1: Their names were Garscooney, Erica Boothy, and Marianna Lee, and

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Speaker 1: they did their research on what they call the thought gap,

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Speaker 1: and this explains how we tend to think that we

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Speaker 1: take up more space in someone else's mind than we do.

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Speaker 1: And the reason we think that, the reason we have

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Speaker 1: this thought gap is because we only have direct access

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Speaker 1: to our own thoughts and what are we thinking about.

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Speaker 1: More than anything else, We're thinking about ourselves, so we naturally,

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Speaker 1: subconsciously without knowing it, assume that other people must be

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Speaker 1: thinking about us too, and that they must be thinking

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Speaker 1: the same thoughts. They're on the same page as us.

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Speaker 1: Therefore we overestimate how much they truly notice. It's a

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Speaker 1: common cognitive and social bias that brings about a lot

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Speaker 1: of implicit self scrutiny. And there's even more research on

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Speaker 1: this as well, and it shows that we actually tend

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Speaker 1: to implant our own securities onto others thoughts, and we

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Speaker 1: assume that they can see all the things that only

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Speaker 1: we can notice. You may also know this as the

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Speaker 1: spotlight effect. And I had this experience with a friend

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Speaker 1: recently where this was very clear to me. We were

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Speaker 1: looking through pictures from her birthday party and there was

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Speaker 1: this truly beautiful photo of her like smiling with a

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Speaker 1: bunch of our friends. Her hair was like impeccable, she

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Speaker 1: had a beautiful outfit on her makeup was like stunning everything.

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Speaker 1: I literally saw the photo and gasped because I was like,

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Speaker 1: you just look so great, and she immediately was like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, no, can't you see my double chin?

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Speaker 1: And can't you see my arms? Like don't let anyone

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Speaker 1: post that. And of course I hadn't noticed a single

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00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:44,280
Speaker 1: one of these features because others don't search for our

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Speaker 1: insecurities the way that we do. And I want to

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Speaker 1: just say that one more time. Other people do not

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Speaker 1: search for our insecurities the way that we do. So

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Speaker 1: these are just a few reminders if you're in a

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Speaker 1: spiral or you feel bombarded by imaginary or real judgments

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Speaker 1: from those around you. Let's move on to some more

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Speaker 1: practical tips though. My first big tip if you struggle

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Speaker 1: with caring too much about what other people think other

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Speaker 1: people think, is I want you to make an opinion hierarchy,

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00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:16,840
Speaker 1: or rank the kind of opinions that you are likely

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00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:20,359
Speaker 1: to encounter. So at the bottom of your ladder, at

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Speaker 1: the bottom of your scale, it should be complete strangers.

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Speaker 1: Complete strangers. Their opinions do not matter. They have no

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Speaker 1: clue who you are. They really aren't invested in you

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Speaker 1: as a person. They don't care about your growth. Your

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Speaker 1: existence means very little to them, so their opinion ranks

434
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:41,200
Speaker 1: on the bottom. They are more likely to care about

435
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:43,480
Speaker 1: what you can do for them and how making you

436
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:46,160
Speaker 1: feel bad can make them feel better, than they are

437
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:49,840
Speaker 1: to actually want what's best for you. The second tier

438
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:54,840
Speaker 1: is acquaintances. Then it's colleagues, then it's friends. Then we

439
00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:59,520
Speaker 1: have the silver circle close friends. I'm talking friends that

440
00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:03,000
Speaker 1: are on a real family members. And then finally, also

441
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:06,479
Speaker 1: in that silver circle, it's family members who trust, and

442
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:10,120
Speaker 1: also your partner might be included here as well. That's

443
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:14,359
Speaker 1: the inner sanctum. That's the silver circle, though we also

444
00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:17,720
Speaker 1: have the gold circle. Who is left to belong in

445
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:22,240
Speaker 1: the gold circle, it's you, you and you only. I

446
00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:25,159
Speaker 1: want you to draw out this diagram or this image,

447
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:27,399
Speaker 1: however you see it in your mind. I want you

448
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:30,560
Speaker 1: to draw it out, put it on your mirror, somewhere

449
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:33,959
Speaker 1: in your car, front page of your diary, whatever it is,

450
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:39,000
Speaker 1: as a reminder of how other people's judgments rank compared

451
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:42,680
Speaker 1: to your own. I think the big problem with spending

452
00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:45,679
Speaker 1: too much time thinking about the thoughts of others is

453
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:49,320
Speaker 1: that we end up becoming detached or disconnected from our

454
00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:54,120
Speaker 1: own opinion about something, including ourself, so our intuition becomes

455
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:58,439
Speaker 1: injured because we're letting too many voices interrupt. So what

456
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:01,080
Speaker 1: I really want you to do is is opposite to

457
00:28:01,119 --> 00:28:03,800
Speaker 1: what your you know, what your gut feeling is saying.

458
00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:07,119
Speaker 1: And I want you to actually let yourself acknowledge the

459
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:10,480
Speaker 1: opinions of others, let yourself really lean in, let yourself

460
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:15,080
Speaker 1: really absorb it, don't ignore it, and then ask yourself, Okay,

461
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:19,560
Speaker 1: but what do I think all of this aside? I've listened,

462
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:23,120
Speaker 1: I've given you the I've given you your time, I've listened.

463
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:27,440
Speaker 1: Now what is my opinion? And which one is going

464
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:32,040
Speaker 1: to make me happier to listen? To think about it?

465
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:35,359
Speaker 1: In the context of an outfit, that's a very simple

466
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:38,320
Speaker 1: enough example. You might ask all your friends what do

467
00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:41,000
Speaker 1: you think? What do you think about this look? Fifty

468
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:43,600
Speaker 1: percent of them might say I hate it, twenty five

469
00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:47,320
Speaker 1: percent say yeah, it's fine, twenty five percent say it's

470
00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:50,560
Speaker 1: really beautiful, I like it. Let those perspectives sink in,

471
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:53,560
Speaker 1: and then turn around and say, all right, time to

472
00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:57,719
Speaker 1: ask myself what's my opinion? And based on that hierarchy,

473
00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:02,280
Speaker 1: what do I choose to do? Here. This also is

474
00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:07,200
Speaker 1: important because it allows yourself to be exposed to judgment

475
00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:11,160
Speaker 1: without letting it, you know, kind of penetrate the armor,

476
00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:14,239
Speaker 1: knowing that you can listen and not be hurt by it.

477
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:18,800
Speaker 1: These opinions through this process will start to feel less

478
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:21,960
Speaker 1: and less important to you as your opinion and intuition

479
00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:25,880
Speaker 1: become louder and louder and louder, until you don't need

480
00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:29,840
Speaker 1: to ask for validation about not just outfit choices, but

481
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:32,840
Speaker 1: everything else in your life. That's really what the people

482
00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:35,120
Speaker 1: who you see who are just crushing it are doing.

483
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:37,760
Speaker 1: Those people you see who are so authentic and true

484
00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:40,800
Speaker 1: to themselves and they have great style, and they've always

485
00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:43,840
Speaker 1: focused on something, and they're deeply committed and they let

486
00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:47,400
Speaker 1: mean things bounce off them, they have in some ways

487
00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:50,400
Speaker 1: done this exercise in the past, even if they don't

488
00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:55,480
Speaker 1: realize it. Second, if you want to start turning inwards

489
00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:59,680
Speaker 1: for validation rather than outwards, it's really important to strengthen

490
00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:02,960
Speaker 1: yourself sense of self and your identity and make sure

491
00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:07,280
Speaker 1: you remind yourself what is important to me. I'm going

492
00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:10,120
Speaker 1: to ask you right now, what are three things that

493
00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:13,440
Speaker 1: are really important to you? Right now? I'll give you

494
00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:18,200
Speaker 1: a few seconds. The thing is if you don't know,

495
00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 1: if you can't name them, I think your identity needs

496
00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:24,920
Speaker 1: a few renovations, It needs a few additions. You want

497
00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:28,840
Speaker 1: to have that strong personal internal home that you can

498
00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:32,960
Speaker 1: come back to. Also, I think focus on being a good,

499
00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:37,880
Speaker 1: authentic person rather than just an agreeable person. You can

500
00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:42,120
Speaker 1: be someone who is kind, self assured, who has amazing

501
00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:45,479
Speaker 1: things going for them, and also who can stick up

502
00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:49,120
Speaker 1: for themselves. You can be someone who still you know,

503
00:30:49,200 --> 00:30:52,240
Speaker 1: listens to their family, listens to theat to their friends,

504
00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:56,560
Speaker 1: does ask for advice, and does seek counsel. But also

505
00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:59,080
Speaker 1: when they have a gut feeling, when they have an instinct,

506
00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:03,560
Speaker 1: when they like something, they know how to act on it. Really,

507
00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:06,680
Speaker 1: what it comes down to is don't let yourself doubt

508
00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:10,520
Speaker 1: yourself any further, Like, don't do that to yourself. Don't

509
00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:15,719
Speaker 1: you know second guess yourself. Don't feel like again the

510
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:20,560
Speaker 1: opinion of a stranger is more worthwhile than yours. Instead,

511
00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:24,360
Speaker 1: I want you to commit deeply and without compromise to

512
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:27,080
Speaker 1: what you want and what you want to do and

513
00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:29,640
Speaker 1: what you care about, and make sure that if someone

514
00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:32,320
Speaker 1: asked you what do you care about? You would know

515
00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:35,760
Speaker 1: how to answer, you'd know how to respond. Make an

516
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:40,760
Speaker 1: investment in yourself by choosing one goal, one hobby, one passion.

517
00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:44,320
Speaker 1: You want to work out and make yourself a good

518
00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:47,160
Speaker 1: life full of things that you care about way more

519
00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:50,480
Speaker 1: than others, and that you could continue to do even

520
00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:53,000
Speaker 1: if the world hated it. You know, I just don't

521
00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:56,440
Speaker 1: let your life just be you know, work, come home,

522
00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:59,120
Speaker 1: watch TV, or to take away, maybe hang out with

523
00:31:59,160 --> 00:32:03,080
Speaker 1: your friends on the week, and let everyone else dictate

524
00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:05,160
Speaker 1: what you do. I just don't think that's a strong

525
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:07,840
Speaker 1: foundation for a good life. I don't think it's a

526
00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:11,240
Speaker 1: strong foundation for a good sense of self. And it

527
00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:13,880
Speaker 1: will make you easily swayed. It will make you feel

528
00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:16,520
Speaker 1: like you don't know how to do things. You don't

529
00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:18,320
Speaker 1: know what you want, you don't know what you like.

530
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:22,920
Speaker 1: But are you giving yourself enough new experiences and external

531
00:32:23,160 --> 00:32:28,880
Speaker 1: stimulus and excitement to actually give yourself the chance to

532
00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:33,360
Speaker 1: know what you want? Finally, finally, I want you to

533
00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:38,000
Speaker 1: adopt the five five five rule. Basically, the five five

534
00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:42,520
Speaker 1: five rule looks at other people's opinions or thoughts of you.

535
00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:44,800
Speaker 1: I don't know. I keep using the I don't like

536
00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:47,920
Speaker 1: your outfit one a lot. It just seems easy. You know,

537
00:32:49,120 --> 00:32:51,680
Speaker 1: you're not fit enough, you don't look the way, you're

538
00:32:51,720 --> 00:32:53,840
Speaker 1: not attractive, you don't look how I want you to look.

539
00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:57,160
Speaker 1: You're never going to be successful. I don't believe in you.

540
00:32:57,720 --> 00:33:00,280
Speaker 1: Whatever it is that someone has told you at some

541
00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:03,640
Speaker 1: point in your life, it looks at the opinions of others,

542
00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:07,200
Speaker 1: and it says, will it matter in five days? Will

543
00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:10,280
Speaker 1: it matter in five months? Will it matter in five years?

544
00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:14,360
Speaker 1: And crucially, will it matter if I don't listen? Obviously,

545
00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:17,160
Speaker 1: if you take something deeply at heart, it will still

546
00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:20,200
Speaker 1: matter in five years. But if you just treat someone's

547
00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:25,080
Speaker 1: opinion with complete neutrality, will it matter? And the rule

548
00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:27,959
Speaker 1: of five says that the only things we should concern

549
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:31,360
Speaker 1: ourselves with are issues or problems that will still be

550
00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:35,120
Speaker 1: impacting us in five years time. So what I'm talking

551
00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:39,920
Speaker 1: about there is genuine feedback that someone is giving you

552
00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:43,440
Speaker 1: in good faith to help you improve your life. That

553
00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:46,560
Speaker 1: is what will matter in five years time. A family

554
00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:49,520
Speaker 1: member saying you know, I don't think like this way

555
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:51,800
Speaker 1: of going about your life is harming you. That's an

556
00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:54,760
Speaker 1: opinion you should listen to. Or a boss saying, hey,

557
00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:57,680
Speaker 1: if you have so much potential. But if you don't

558
00:33:57,680 --> 00:33:59,920
Speaker 1: do this thing, if you don't fix this thing, if

559
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:02,200
Speaker 1: you don't expand this part of yourself more, you won't

560
00:34:02,240 --> 00:34:05,640
Speaker 1: get ahead. That's an opinion you should listen to. But

561
00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:09,799
Speaker 1: you know, mean snarky criticism from a coworker, strange look

562
00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:12,960
Speaker 1: from lady on train, someone on the internet trolling you,

563
00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:15,919
Speaker 1: opinion of old friend from high school that's not five

564
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:20,080
Speaker 1: year worthy so they can be acknowledged and swiftly dismissed.

565
00:34:20,640 --> 00:34:22,520
Speaker 1: My last tip and it does kind of link to

566
00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:26,880
Speaker 1: that one as well, is choose your people wisely. Choose

567
00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:30,120
Speaker 1: people to be around you who you aspire to be like,

568
00:34:30,880 --> 00:34:35,160
Speaker 1: who respect you, who you respect, who will help you

569
00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:39,399
Speaker 1: course correct, but also who encourage you rather than bring

570
00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:43,360
Speaker 1: you down. There is no backhanded compliments, there is no

571
00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:47,400
Speaker 1: worrying what they'll think. We all know the experience of

572
00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:51,440
Speaker 1: having a friend who you can never quite tell whether

573
00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:53,480
Speaker 1: they want to see you fail or whether they want

574
00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:56,080
Speaker 1: to build you up, or whether they just want something

575
00:34:56,120 --> 00:34:58,359
Speaker 1: from you like There is some people who are like that,

576
00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:02,080
Speaker 1: and again I want to mind you. They deserve love,

577
00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:06,080
Speaker 1: they deserve respect because they're probably going through it themselves.

578
00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:11,080
Speaker 1: Like if your existence brings out that insecurity in them.

579
00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:15,480
Speaker 1: It's because they were already insecure. So really choose people

580
00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:18,080
Speaker 1: who you know are going to elevate you, who will

581
00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:20,560
Speaker 1: never make you question what it is about you that

582
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:23,800
Speaker 1: is authentic and pure and true to you. And I

583
00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:28,239
Speaker 1: think that that makes you more confident in your own decisions,

584
00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:31,400
Speaker 1: more confident in who you are, because you're not worried

585
00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:36,319
Speaker 1: about the immediate threat or possibility of upsetting someone or

586
00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:39,919
Speaker 1: disappointing someone. So those are just some of the tips

587
00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:42,120
Speaker 1: that I wanted to give you today. Honestly, I could

588
00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:46,080
Speaker 1: give you millions more. Everyone else. Everyone really has their

589
00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:49,160
Speaker 1: own ways of thinking about it. Some people like to

590
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:52,560
Speaker 1: imagine a big, giant orb that surrounds them that other

591
00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:56,319
Speaker 1: people's opinions bounce off of. Some people quite like to

592
00:35:56,320 --> 00:36:00,200
Speaker 1: get quite existential with it. They like to, you know,

593
00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:02,280
Speaker 1: really focus on the fact that we get one life.

594
00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:05,120
Speaker 1: No one's going to remember you, And that is actually

595
00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:09,239
Speaker 1: a really helpful thought, And it's quite nice to imagine

596
00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:12,320
Speaker 1: the kind of liberty and peace and freedom that comes

597
00:36:12,320 --> 00:36:15,719
Speaker 1: with no one really ever being able to remember your actions.

598
00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:19,319
Speaker 1: So it is really about finding out what works for you.

599
00:36:19,719 --> 00:36:21,719
Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, really building up

600
00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:24,880
Speaker 1: the parts of you that are going to be strong

601
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:28,799
Speaker 1: and that are going to be foundations for you, no

602
00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:33,719
Speaker 1: matter what anyone else thinks, feels, says, believes, whatever it is.

603
00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:37,879
Speaker 1: So I hope you enjoyed this episode. Please, if you've

604
00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:40,799
Speaker 1: made it this far, leave a little cloud emoji in

605
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:44,520
Speaker 1: the comment section and leave your thoughts on what you

606
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:47,920
Speaker 1: learned from this episode, whether you think you can apply

607
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:50,879
Speaker 1: it to your own life. I love seeing how far

608
00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:53,760
Speaker 1: people get and it's always really cute to be like, oh, hello,

609
00:36:54,400 --> 00:36:58,080
Speaker 1: my finishes my people who are committed to the episode.

610
00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:01,359
Speaker 1: So again, thank you for listening. Also, if you haven't

611
00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:04,520
Speaker 1: yet listened to Mantra, if you liked this episode, I

612
00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:07,840
Speaker 1: really think you're gonna like Mantra. It's basically pep talks

613
00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:10,839
Speaker 1: for your week that can ground you. So I'll leave

614
00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:13,600
Speaker 1: a link in the description. Make sure you are following

615
00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:19,000
Speaker 1: along on Instagram. At that Psychology Podcast, we do episode summaries,

616
00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:22,120
Speaker 1: We do polls all the time. I ask you for

617
00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:24,919
Speaker 1: your opinions on episodes, so it'd be great to see

618
00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:28,560
Speaker 1: you over there. And until next time, stay safe, be kind,

619
00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:33,239
Speaker 1: and above all else, be gentle to yourself. We will

620
00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:34,719
Speaker 1: talk very very soon