WEBVTT - 351. How gratitude changes your brain 0:00:04.440 --> 0:00:09.280 Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 0:00:09.960 --> 0:00:12.280 the podcast where we talk through some of the big 0:00:12.520 --> 0:00:16.880 life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 0:00:16.960 --> 0:00:25.760 mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 0:00:25.880 --> 0:00:29.400 Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. 0:00:29.400 --> 0:00:32.120 Wherever you are in the world, it is so great 0:00:32.120 --> 0:00:34.440 to have you here back for another episode as we 0:00:34.479 --> 0:00:39.040 of course break down the psychology of our twenties. You 0:00:39.120 --> 0:00:42.120 guys might not want me to say this, but like 0:00:42.159 --> 0:00:44.479 it or not, we are coming closer to the end 0:00:44.600 --> 0:00:49.640 of the year and also the holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanuka, 0:00:49.920 --> 0:00:55.200 New Year, and famously there is a huge emphasis on 0:00:55.800 --> 0:00:58.760 reflecting on the year and showing gratitude for our lives. 0:00:59.160 --> 0:01:02.560 So I thought, what better time than now to do 0:01:03.040 --> 0:01:05.800 an episode on gratitude, which for some reason I have 0:01:05.959 --> 0:01:09.960 never done before. I don't know exactly how I've missed it, 0:01:10.080 --> 0:01:13.200 but today is the day. Also, before we get into it, 0:01:13.240 --> 0:01:16.080 I want to let you know this episode is actually 0:01:16.480 --> 0:01:19.959 also a video episode on YouTube. So if you prefer 0:01:20.280 --> 0:01:25.280 watching episodes with video and getting to like see I 0:01:25.319 --> 0:01:28.039 don't know, see me speaking to you through a screen, 0:01:28.480 --> 0:01:30.200 go and check that out. I'll leave a link in 0:01:30.200 --> 0:01:35.319 the description, but let's get into it. Gratitude journals, gratitude challenges, 0:01:35.440 --> 0:01:38.760 daily affirmations. You know, I even have a Daily Affirmations 0:01:38.760 --> 0:01:42.560 for a weekly Affirmations podcast. It's everywhere. If you've ever 0:01:42.600 --> 0:01:45.840 opened Instagram, which I'm assuming you have, you have probably 0:01:46.200 --> 0:01:48.760 seen a post at some time, at some point about 0:01:48.760 --> 0:01:53.440 manifesting abundance. If you've ever been to therapy, chances are 0:01:53.520 --> 0:01:56.880 you have encountered a therapist that is encouraged gratitude. I 0:01:56.920 --> 0:01:59.680 know I shall have. It is presented to us as 0:01:59.680 --> 0:02:06.440 this most like magical cure, or be grateful and you 0:02:06.440 --> 0:02:10.360 will be happy. People talk about gratitude like it is 0:02:10.400 --> 0:02:14.440 this like magic pill, this magic way to be a 0:02:14.440 --> 0:02:18.160 more happy, well rounded person. In some ways it is, 0:02:18.600 --> 0:02:22.240 but that claim can feel a little bit too neat, 0:02:22.440 --> 0:02:26.440 a little bit too like one dimensional. Can it really 0:02:26.639 --> 0:02:30.560 fix everything? Probably not. Is it always that easy to 0:02:30.560 --> 0:02:34.639 tap into? Definitely not. But today we're gonna talk about it, 0:02:34.639 --> 0:02:38.640 and we're gonna ask that big question, does gratitude actually 0:02:38.639 --> 0:02:42.560 make us happier? And what forms all ways of expressing 0:02:42.600 --> 0:02:47.400 gratitude are the most effective. We're gonna look at of course, 0:02:47.440 --> 0:02:50.200 the psychology, do I even need to say that? Probably 0:02:50.240 --> 0:02:55.400 not the neuroscience, and also importantly the limits of gratitude, 0:02:55.440 --> 0:02:59.480 because yes, it is amazing, Yes it does fundamentally change 0:02:59.480 --> 0:03:02.840 your brain. There's also a more nuanced side to it. 0:03:03.160 --> 0:03:06.560 Toxic gratitude can elicit a lot of guilt and a 0:03:06.680 --> 0:03:10.520 pressure to be thankful, and it can actually stop or 0:03:10.560 --> 0:03:14.600 halt emotional processing. That needs to be part of the conversation. 0:03:14.919 --> 0:03:18.800 So I am excited to dive deep into this topic. 0:03:18.919 --> 0:03:21.480 It has been a long time coming. Without further ado, 0:03:22.240 --> 0:03:31.400 let's get into the psychology of gratitude. First things. First, 0:03:32.200 --> 0:03:34.639 definition of gratitude. We need to kind of get that, 0:03:35.120 --> 0:03:38.720 get that ironed out. This is actually, ironically kind of 0:03:38.720 --> 0:03:42.680 a hard concept to get a clear definition on. One 0:03:42.680 --> 0:03:45.080 of the best ways it's described and that I found 0:03:45.080 --> 0:03:47.720 it described was actually in a twenty ten paper written 0:03:47.720 --> 0:03:52.480 by researchers in Ohio who actually talked about how gratitude 0:03:52.880 --> 0:03:56.520 is both a trait, so for example, some people just 0:03:56.640 --> 0:04:02.320 naturally feel more grateful, and it's also an attitude or 0:04:02.360 --> 0:04:06.640 an emotion. It's also something that we can elicit for 0:04:06.720 --> 0:04:11.440 ourselves and kind of force into occurring. There are even 0:04:11.480 --> 0:04:14.640 more definitions about this. Is gratitude also just like a 0:04:14.680 --> 0:04:18.960 coping response? Is it a coping mechanism? Is gratitude like 0:04:19.040 --> 0:04:22.880 a spiritual experience? Is it just something that like we 0:04:23.680 --> 0:04:26.080 have to trip into to find Is it just something 0:04:26.120 --> 0:04:29.719 that comes up spontaneously. A lot of people actually have 0:04:29.920 --> 0:04:33.640 different thoughts about it. How I like to see it 0:04:34.040 --> 0:04:38.400 and how this paper defined it. And gratitude in the 0:04:38.440 --> 0:04:43.320 broader sense is an appreciation of what is valuable and 0:04:43.440 --> 0:04:46.560 meaningful to oneself. Whether it is a trait, whether it 0:04:46.600 --> 0:04:49.719 is forced, it's just an appreciation. To add to this, 0:04:49.800 --> 0:04:54.760 Psychologist Robert Edmonds and Michael mcleough, they are like the 0:04:54.839 --> 0:04:58.520 leading researchers on gratitude, and I like their definition as well. 0:04:58.600 --> 0:05:01.960 They define it as a two step process, which is 0:05:02.600 --> 0:05:06.799 recognizing that something good has happened and acknowledging that someone 0:05:06.839 --> 0:05:08.960 else or something else beyond you had to play a 0:05:09.000 --> 0:05:12.120 role in it. So the first definition is really like 0:05:12.240 --> 0:05:14.880 it's just feeling like the world or something is beautiful 0:05:15.000 --> 0:05:18.480 and being able to notice it. The second definition that 0:05:18.480 --> 0:05:20.800 we're working with is that you're able to attribute it 0:05:20.839 --> 0:05:24.360 to something. In other words, it's not just an experience, 0:05:24.760 --> 0:05:29.120 it's also a feeling of being connected, but also supported 0:05:29.680 --> 0:05:32.440 more broadly, whether it's by your family, whether it's by 0:05:33.600 --> 0:05:37.440 the God you believe in, by the universe, by nature. 0:05:37.560 --> 0:05:42.919 Whatever it is is an appreciation for that outside force. Psychologically, 0:05:42.960 --> 0:05:46.400 gratitude is seen. This is like mental superpower. Why is 0:05:46.440 --> 0:05:54.040 that well, firstly because it promotes positive appraisal or positive reappraisal. Essentially, 0:05:54.320 --> 0:05:58.520 why that's so powerful is because bad things are always 0:05:58.640 --> 0:06:02.800 going to happen. Terrible, annoying things, frustrating things are always 0:06:02.880 --> 0:06:06.159 going to occur. You can't change that. You can change 0:06:06.200 --> 0:06:11.479 how your brain interprets these experiences. Instead of fixating on 0:06:11.640 --> 0:06:16.120 what went wrong, gratitude allows you to retrain your mind 0:06:16.279 --> 0:06:20.400 to notice what's still working. You might not know this, 0:06:20.520 --> 0:06:24.279 but our brains are actually wired by default to have 0:06:24.360 --> 0:06:27.719 a negativity bias, basically to see the worst in things, 0:06:27.760 --> 0:06:29.920 to see the worst in people, to see the worst 0:06:29.960 --> 0:06:33.640 in circumstances. This has actually been a good thing in 0:06:33.680 --> 0:06:37.320 the past. It meant that we were more attuned to threats, 0:06:37.880 --> 0:06:42.919 to danger, to the poisonous plants, the big saber toothed tigers. 0:06:44.000 --> 0:06:47.800 But it also means that left unchecked, our minds are 0:06:47.880 --> 0:06:53.760 naturally quite pessimistic. Gratitude, though, is the counterbalance to this 0:06:54.279 --> 0:06:57.040 that allows us to kind of really just zoom out 0:06:57.600 --> 0:07:01.599 and see the full picture, not just the negative or 0:07:01.640 --> 0:07:05.160 shadowy parts. If we take a look at how this 0:07:05.360 --> 0:07:08.760 works cognitively, there's a few processes that are involved here. 0:07:09.040 --> 0:07:11.040 I feel like people talk about gratitude all the time, 0:07:11.160 --> 0:07:13.760 no one talks about what it's actually doing to your 0:07:13.800 --> 0:07:18.880 brain inside the skull of ours. First, gratitude allows us 0:07:18.960 --> 0:07:23.800 to direct our attention more conveniently or positively to things 0:07:23.840 --> 0:07:27.000 that we actually want to see. You can't appreciate good 0:07:27.000 --> 0:07:29.400 things if you don't look for them right and if 0:07:29.400 --> 0:07:33.960 you don't direct yourself to notice them. Gratitude builds that skill. 0:07:34.640 --> 0:07:38.400 The next is memory encoding. When we focus on positive 0:07:38.440 --> 0:07:42.680 experiences and we repeat them through those common exercises of 0:07:42.720 --> 0:07:47.040 a gratitude journal or reflection or speaking openly about them, 0:07:47.520 --> 0:07:51.960 those memories get encoded more deeply, the same way that 0:07:52.480 --> 0:07:55.800 when you study by writing and rehearsing and reflecting on 0:07:55.840 --> 0:07:59.560 your knowledge. This is objectively better than just like reading 0:07:59.560 --> 0:08:03.040 your note or listening to the lecture. Research that was 0:08:03.080 --> 0:08:07.400 published in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that so 0:08:07.560 --> 0:08:13.559 called grateful memories actually showed less fading over time even 0:08:13.680 --> 0:08:17.120 compared to other positive memories. This has actually seen a 0:08:17.120 --> 0:08:21.239 lot in dementia patients who can remember really beautiful memories 0:08:21.240 --> 0:08:23.800 with their family when they were kids, when they were younger. 0:08:24.240 --> 0:08:28.640 They're encoded almost in a separate way to other kinds 0:08:28.640 --> 0:08:34.720 of memories, mainly because they are appraised as valuable. Because 0:08:34.800 --> 0:08:38.760 they are so significant and they carry meaning, our brain 0:08:38.880 --> 0:08:43.040 kind of locks them in like this sneaky safe that 0:08:43.080 --> 0:08:45.880 it has at the back, meaning that when everything else 0:08:45.880 --> 0:08:49.400 starts to fade and decay, they remain. There's also an 0:08:49.440 --> 0:08:53.480 aspect of emotional regulation going on here. Gratitude activates the 0:08:53.520 --> 0:08:56.720 prefrontal cortext. This is the part of the brain that 0:08:57.120 --> 0:09:00.840 is responsible for emotional regulation. If you're going through a 0:09:00.880 --> 0:09:04.640 really tough time and you're stressed and you're frustrated, what 0:09:04.679 --> 0:09:08.040 gratitude actually does is allow this part of your brain 0:09:08.080 --> 0:09:13.520 to I guess, work better by having a more rational 0:09:13.559 --> 0:09:18.200 perspective and truthworth perspective on your circumstances. It allows you 0:09:18.240 --> 0:09:21.679 to hold two truths at the same time. This moment 0:09:21.760 --> 0:09:26.280 is hard, but it's not always going to be hard. 0:09:26.600 --> 0:09:30.280 There is more than this that is an incredible ability 0:09:30.280 --> 0:09:33.520 to have. Also, we have to talk about this from 0:09:33.559 --> 0:09:39.200 a more social, less individualized standpoint. Gratitude has been proven 0:09:39.280 --> 0:09:43.559 to increase pro social behavior and when practiced on an 0:09:43.559 --> 0:09:51.079 individual level, to actually make a community and a society better. Kindness, empathy, generosity, 0:09:51.480 --> 0:09:54.240 they all increase. When people have a higher level of 0:09:54.280 --> 0:09:57.960 personal gratitude, we are more likely to act in favorable 0:09:58.000 --> 0:10:02.040 ways to others and to be acting positively and strengthening 0:10:02.080 --> 0:10:04.640 relationships when we feel like there is good in the 0:10:04.640 --> 0:10:07.720 world and that other people possess good as well. So 0:10:08.280 --> 0:10:12.840 gratitude is like incredible for society as well. It's like 0:10:13.200 --> 0:10:18.400 something that really does like mend and heal fractured systems. 0:10:18.960 --> 0:10:21.880 So what does this actually do to the brain, Like 0:10:22.000 --> 0:10:25.920 neurologically that was like cognitively, what's happening like to our neurons, 0:10:25.960 --> 0:10:29.520 to our synapses to yeah, to this big organ Well 0:10:29.559 --> 0:10:33.280 I can tell you using this twenty fifteen fMRI study 0:10:33.720 --> 0:10:37.920 from these people at Indiana University. So in this study, 0:10:37.920 --> 0:10:41.679 they basically asked participants to write down letters of gratitude 0:10:41.960 --> 0:10:44.600 to people in their lives. They didn't have to send 0:10:44.600 --> 0:10:46.760 the letters, they just had to write the letters. That 0:10:46.840 --> 0:10:49.440 was enough to a grandmother, to an aunt, to an uncle, 0:10:49.520 --> 0:10:52.520 or a brother, whoever. It was three months later when 0:10:52.559 --> 0:10:56.880 those same participants were scanned in the fMRI machines, their 0:10:56.920 --> 0:11:02.959 brains showed increased activity in the medial prefrontal cortex that's 0:11:02.960 --> 0:11:08.320 the region involved in emotional regulation, in learning and decision making. 0:11:08.960 --> 0:11:13.040 Like there was physical changes to how their brain was operating. 0:11:13.679 --> 0:11:17.200 The researchers concluded that gratitude is it has a long 0:11:17.320 --> 0:11:21.520 lasting neural footprint, and they saw that footprint, I guess 0:11:21.840 --> 0:11:24.480 in trench deeper when people did this over and over 0:11:24.520 --> 0:11:30.960 and over again. Essentially, this practice changed the brain's baseline 0:11:31.040 --> 0:11:35.480 response to both positive and negative experiences. There was also 0:11:35.760 --> 0:11:39.439 a further twenty fifteen study published in Frontiers in Psychology, 0:11:40.040 --> 0:11:45.319 also using fMRI scanners, which basically induced gratitude and participants 0:11:45.360 --> 0:11:48.960 and then scanned their brain at the time. Instead of 0:11:49.000 --> 0:11:53.679 just giving these people like random gratitude prompts, instead of 0:11:53.760 --> 0:11:56.240 asking them just to write letters of gratitude, they told 0:11:56.280 --> 0:12:01.200 them stories that were really precious and beautiful. These stories 0:12:01.240 --> 0:12:05.160 actually came from real Holocaust survivors who'd been helped by 0:12:05.160 --> 0:12:08.439 strangers during the war, people who had risked their own 0:12:08.480 --> 0:12:11.600 lives to offer food, to offer shelter, to offer protection, 0:12:12.440 --> 0:12:15.560 and the participants were asked to imagine themselves as this 0:12:15.600 --> 0:12:18.360 person being helped and being rescued, to picture that moment, 0:12:18.840 --> 0:12:22.200 to feel what it would have been like to receive 0:12:23.400 --> 0:12:26.080 that kind of of help when you were just like 0:12:26.280 --> 0:12:30.680 so desperate. And as they did that, the scans showed 0:12:30.720 --> 0:12:35.920 significant activation in a couple of areas, the ventral striatum 0:12:36.559 --> 0:12:41.320 and the nucleus accumbents, both key parts of the brain's 0:12:41.400 --> 0:12:45.120 reward system. Long names, all you need to know is 0:12:45.120 --> 0:12:47.200 that these are the areas that are most active when 0:12:47.240 --> 0:12:52.680 we experience pleasure, love, or deep connection, and that activity 0:12:52.920 --> 0:12:57.320 increased even after the story was over. What's so beautiful 0:12:57.440 --> 0:13:01.240 about this study is that it's that gratitude isn't just 0:13:01.240 --> 0:13:05.360 like something that's nice. It's not just surface level. It's 0:13:05.400 --> 0:13:11.040 like viscerally rewarding, like the reward is something that we 0:13:11.080 --> 0:13:15.560 can literally see. And what's even more interesting was that 0:13:16.679 --> 0:13:19.480 they didn't even have to perform gratitude themselves to have 0:13:19.559 --> 0:13:23.400 this feeling. No one in this study actually received anything 0:13:23.880 --> 0:13:29.240 like it was entirely empathetic. Just imagining the kind of 0:13:29.240 --> 0:13:34.040 generosity was like enough to trigger the brain's reward circuits. 0:13:35.160 --> 0:13:38.640 When people say gratitude changes your brain, this is what 0:13:38.679 --> 0:13:41.800 they're talking about. This is what they are referring to. 0:13:41.960 --> 0:13:46.840 There is hard science behind why it's recommended. But and 0:13:46.880 --> 0:13:51.800 this is equally an important thing to remember only under 0:13:52.080 --> 0:13:57.920 the right conditions. Gratitude isn't something that we can actually 0:13:58.040 --> 0:14:03.320 always access, and it might not actually always be helpful. 0:14:03.920 --> 0:14:06.920 Sometimes it can backfire. Sometimes it can leave us feeling 0:14:07.440 --> 0:14:10.480 worse than before. And that's like a part of the 0:14:10.480 --> 0:14:12.800 conversation that I don't think people really want to have 0:14:12.840 --> 0:14:15.880 all the time, but we are going to have it today. 0:14:16.080 --> 0:14:19.320 How could gratitude possibly be bad for us? We're going 0:14:19.360 --> 0:14:27.800 to answer that question after this shortbreak. So here's where 0:14:27.800 --> 0:14:30.920 it gets a little bit tricky. Gratitude when it's real 0:14:31.040 --> 0:14:34.800 and when it's self motivated, is really fantastic. When it 0:14:34.840 --> 0:14:40.000 bubbles up naturally, it's even more fantastic. You know, we 0:14:40.040 --> 0:14:42.400 will have those moments where we're just like, Wow, I'm 0:14:42.440 --> 0:14:45.400 so lucky to be here, this is such a beautiful day. 0:14:46.040 --> 0:14:49.320 You go searching for that feeling, you feel incredible, you 0:14:49.320 --> 0:14:53.360 feel like like there's a lightness to you. The moment 0:14:53.440 --> 0:14:57.360 that gratitude becomes something we're told to feel or something 0:14:57.400 --> 0:15:01.720 that we owe because of our circum stances, it shifts 0:15:01.760 --> 0:15:03.880 from being an emotion to being a performance, and it 0:15:03.880 --> 0:15:08.400 stops being a resource that helps us and starts essentially 0:15:08.440 --> 0:15:12.760 becoming a tool for emotional suppression. This is where we 0:15:12.880 --> 0:15:15.400 veer into what we call toxic gratitude. This is an 0:15:15.440 --> 0:15:20.840 offshoot of toxic positivity. This is when we start to 0:15:21.000 --> 0:15:25.960 use it to bypass uncomfortable emotions, and what ends up 0:15:26.000 --> 0:15:28.600 happening is that we actually don't honor them, and we 0:15:28.640 --> 0:15:31.960 don't actually process why they happen in the first place 0:15:32.000 --> 0:15:36.640 and why that just has like deeply impacted us. You 0:15:37.920 --> 0:15:44.280 might have heard this yourself. You definitely have. It's very 0:15:44.320 --> 0:15:47.920 silent sometimes, like the use of gratitude to kind of 0:15:48.000 --> 0:15:51.680 silence emotions that people don't want to look at is 0:15:51.800 --> 0:15:56.120 sometimes invisible. But it sounds like, oh, could have been worse. 0:15:56.800 --> 0:15:59.520 It sounds like, at least I have a roof over 0:15:59.560 --> 0:16:02.760 my head. It sounds like, you know, there's someone out 0:16:02.800 --> 0:16:04.400 there who has it harder than me, so I'm just 0:16:04.400 --> 0:16:07.200 gonna shut up about it. And the thing is those 0:16:07.200 --> 0:16:10.200 statements are totally true. Yeah, someone does have it worse 0:16:10.240 --> 0:16:13.440 than you, Like people do have it harder than you. 0:16:14.040 --> 0:16:17.960 Having that kind of awareness and perspective is important. It 0:16:18.040 --> 0:16:22.280 also doesn't undercut the fact that if something is painful 0:16:22.280 --> 0:16:25.560 and sucky for you, it's still painful and sucky for you. 0:16:26.040 --> 0:16:27.800 Like how I like to I always say this to 0:16:27.800 --> 0:16:30.520 my friends, and I always say this to myself. Someone 0:16:30.560 --> 0:16:34.840 with a broken arm, it's still gonna like their arm 0:16:34.920 --> 0:16:37.800 still hurts, whether or not someone else has a broken spine, 0:16:38.080 --> 0:16:43.240 Like it's entirely separate. They are still feeling all that 0:16:43.320 --> 0:16:48.600 pain and themselves like someone else's suffering, doesn't like undercut it. 0:16:48.600 --> 0:16:51.080 There's not only a certain amount of suffering that can 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:55.000 go around. We cannot have this idea that if your 0:16:55.040 --> 0:16:59.800 suffering isn't the absolute worst kind, you do not deserve 0:17:00.680 --> 0:17:05.400 to feel it. And sometimes the use of gratitude as 0:17:05.440 --> 0:17:07.639 a solution to these feelings is a way that we 0:17:07.680 --> 0:17:12.000 actually make people believe that. This is podcast that I 0:17:12.080 --> 0:17:15.800 love called Live Happy Now. Big fan, big fan of 0:17:15.800 --> 0:17:18.280 that podcast, And I was listening to an episode that 0:17:18.320 --> 0:17:21.439 they did with Whitney Goodman talking about the impact of 0:17:21.560 --> 0:17:25.560 toxic positivity, and what she said was that toxic positivity 0:17:25.600 --> 0:17:30.720 denies an emotion, It denies a feeling, which is actually 0:17:31.119 --> 0:17:35.040 just as bad as what that feeling might be listening 0:17:35.119 --> 0:17:38.520 in the first place. When we use toxic positivity, we're 0:17:38.520 --> 0:17:42.560 basically telling ourselves like, this emotion shouldn't exist, it's wrong. 0:17:42.640 --> 0:17:44.760 And so not only are we feeling the feeling, we're 0:17:44.800 --> 0:17:48.919 also feeling shame about the feeling. And it's obviously impossible 0:17:49.160 --> 0:17:52.720 to ignore it anyways, because we know it does exist. 0:17:52.760 --> 0:17:55.239 Otherwise we wouldn't be feeling it right now, and so 0:17:55.480 --> 0:17:59.840 the whole situation becomes a lot more confusing. Refusing in 0:17:59.880 --> 0:18:03.840 a motion or not feeling it doesn't make you more healed, 0:18:04.280 --> 0:18:06.560 because it actually means that the battle between you and 0:18:06.600 --> 0:18:12.480 that emotion is probably more of a vicious daily thing 0:18:13.119 --> 0:18:16.800 than if you processed it appropriately in the first place. 0:18:16.800 --> 0:18:20.960 If you actually let yourself just not be grateful for 0:18:21.000 --> 0:18:23.080 a little while, if you just let yourself be like, 0:18:23.680 --> 0:18:28.800 this just really really sucks, and I don't want to 0:18:28.840 --> 0:18:30.760 be grateful for my situation. I don't want to be 0:18:30.800 --> 0:18:33.640 grateful for what else I have. I don't necessarily want 0:18:33.680 --> 0:18:35.720 to be resilient right now. I don't want to be 0:18:36.920 --> 0:18:40.120 the bigger person. I just want to have some self 0:18:40.200 --> 0:18:44.560 pity that's actually and you may not think that I 0:18:44.640 --> 0:18:50.399 would say this honestly totally fine. Gratitude just sometimes doesn't 0:18:50.400 --> 0:18:54.639 feel accessible to you, and trying to force it to 0:18:54.680 --> 0:18:59.920 be actually creates this really weird paradox where the more 0:19:00.000 --> 0:19:03.440 when you try, the harder and more elusive it becomes. 0:19:03.960 --> 0:19:09.040 Gratitude requires a certain baseline level of safety. It requires 0:19:09.040 --> 0:19:13.000 the belief that even subconsciously, you know you're okay to relax, 0:19:13.200 --> 0:19:17.240 like you're okay to take in what's around you. When 0:19:17.320 --> 0:19:21.280 your nervous system is dysregulated, when it's stuck in fight, flight, freeze, 0:19:21.320 --> 0:19:25.320 or fawn, your brain is all focused on living through 0:19:25.359 --> 0:19:27.960 and getting through this experience. So it's not going to 0:19:28.000 --> 0:19:31.040 be scanning your surroundings for beauty or blessings. It's scanning 0:19:31.280 --> 0:19:35.119 for threats and threats only. It is not a choice 0:19:35.160 --> 0:19:38.560 in that moment to be ungrateful. It is actually just 0:19:38.680 --> 0:19:43.280 plain inaccessible. When we don't feel safe, the part of 0:19:43.359 --> 0:19:47.600 us that connects us, that feels joy, that expresses appreciation, 0:19:48.359 --> 0:19:52.159 it just goes offline. Because from an evolutionary perspective, again, 0:19:53.080 --> 0:19:57.760 it's not immediately necessary for how survival. The body can't 0:19:57.800 --> 0:20:01.080 access gratitude if it does, don't believe the world is 0:20:01.119 --> 0:20:04.760 safe enough to let its guard down, and yet that's 0:20:04.800 --> 0:20:09.240 often when again people double down. I saw another article 0:20:09.240 --> 0:20:12.240 from the psychologist Susan David where she talks about this 0:20:12.400 --> 0:20:16.120 cultural obsession with like good vibes and how that actually 0:20:16.160 --> 0:20:20.520 creates more emotional fragility. When we're not allowed to name pain, 0:20:20.600 --> 0:20:24.080 we can't process it, and unprocessed pain doesn't magically vanish 0:20:24.160 --> 0:20:27.879 the same way that energy doesn't magically vanish. It just 0:20:28.080 --> 0:20:32.880 hides behind all the gratitude bandages until like that defense 0:20:32.960 --> 0:20:37.159 mechanism doesn't work anymore. And look, I'm not saying that 0:20:37.200 --> 0:20:40.600 gratitude is bad. It's just that, like it can't be 0:20:40.840 --> 0:20:44.560 forced from a place of fear or from a place 0:20:44.600 --> 0:20:48.159 of shame. It can't be forced from a place of 0:20:49.720 --> 0:20:52.159 I should of shouldz. Maybe that's the best way to 0:20:52.200 --> 0:20:55.240 say it. Sometimes, like the kindest thing you can do 0:20:55.320 --> 0:20:59.840 to yourself is and do for yourself is just be like, yeah, 0:21:00.000 --> 0:21:02.560 it's just really sucks. So I want to talk about 0:21:02.600 --> 0:21:04.760 some alternatives. I feel like I've been blabbing on about 0:21:04.800 --> 0:21:09.800 that for a while. When gratitude is inaccessible, what else 0:21:09.880 --> 0:21:12.240 is there? Because we do actually need some kind of 0:21:12.280 --> 0:21:16.920 thing to hold on to what might that be if 0:21:17.000 --> 0:21:21.320 gratitude feels too heavy. One of these recommendations that I 0:21:21.359 --> 0:21:26.160 heard from someone was to just look for niceness instead. 0:21:26.480 --> 0:21:31.600 Looking for something nice feels a lot more neutral, feels 0:21:31.640 --> 0:21:35.360 way less intimidating than being like, you have to find 0:21:35.359 --> 0:21:38.960 something that you are grateful for one absolutely, just look 0:21:39.000 --> 0:21:42.480 for one small thing each day that's like you just 0:21:42.520 --> 0:21:45.160 think is cool, or you just think is beautiful. You're 0:21:45.200 --> 0:21:47.960 not necessarily grateful for it, but you know, it was 0:21:48.040 --> 0:21:52.199 really nice that the pavement smelt really beautiful after it 0:21:52.280 --> 0:21:55.320 rained today. It was really nice that, like you saw 0:21:55.400 --> 0:21:59.480 that childholding that flower on the bus. I'm not necessarily 0:21:59.480 --> 0:22:03.560 grateful for it, but it was enjoyable. It was nice 0:22:03.600 --> 0:22:07.840 to see that. When we lessen the pressure to feel 0:22:07.840 --> 0:22:15.160 this like huge expansive feeling and this expansive like impact 0:22:15.200 --> 0:22:18.560 of some outside force on our lives, we can start 0:22:18.560 --> 0:22:20.800 to just welcome in a few more moments of just 0:22:20.880 --> 0:22:24.680 like joy and pleasure and contentment throughout our day. The 0:22:24.720 --> 0:22:26.480 next thing to do if you're finding it hard to 0:22:26.480 --> 0:22:28.840 be grateful for what you have and for your life 0:22:28.880 --> 0:22:34.639 is just to do something completely new. Sometimes, and especially 0:22:34.640 --> 0:22:37.600 when life feels hard, we find it difficult to access 0:22:37.640 --> 0:22:41.720 gratitude because everything feels the same. Then like you ad 0:22:41.720 --> 0:22:43.720 a layer of like this just I'm just feeling crap 0:22:43.760 --> 0:22:47.440 onto that, like it just gets even worse. So pursue 0:22:47.840 --> 0:22:50.760 novelty over gratitude. Go to a new part of your 0:22:50.760 --> 0:22:52.560 city for the day. Make like a bucket list for 0:22:52.760 --> 0:22:56.000 where you live. Just wander around. Studying at the public 0:22:56.080 --> 0:22:59.119 library instead of studying at home. Maybe change up your 0:22:59.160 --> 0:23:02.440 weekly routine if you can, like start cooking new meals 0:23:02.440 --> 0:23:06.040 in the evening. Choose like an elaborate dessert recipe and 0:23:06.119 --> 0:23:09.360 commit to making it. Do something on Friday night that's 0:23:09.440 --> 0:23:13.320 not drinking. Go and like explore, or go to your 0:23:13.760 --> 0:23:16.199 local bouldering gym, go to like I don't know what 0:23:16.280 --> 0:23:20.920 painting class, Just like do something else. You know what 0:23:20.960 --> 0:23:23.480 me and my friends did the other day. We were 0:23:23.560 --> 0:23:27.240 having this conversation of like I'm so sick of like 0:23:27.280 --> 0:23:30.520 going out drinking on like a Saturday or Friday night, 0:23:30.560 --> 0:23:33.560 and like everything in the city feels the same. So 0:23:33.600 --> 0:23:36.080 we went to a trampoline park like the one you 0:23:36.160 --> 0:23:38.160 used to go to when you were twelve years old, 0:23:38.480 --> 0:23:41.120 and like someone would always end up like breaking something, 0:23:41.240 --> 0:23:42.880 or like ripping their jeans and it was the best 0:23:42.960 --> 0:23:46.960 night ever. Having novel experiences has been evidenced time and 0:23:46.960 --> 0:23:51.879 time again to be essential for adaptability and for your 0:23:51.920 --> 0:23:56.360 overwhel well being. Like people actually cannot thrive in situations 0:23:56.359 --> 0:24:01.720 that are completely and constantly the same. They need new stimulus. 0:24:02.320 --> 0:24:04.840 So if you're not feeling grateful, that might be a solution. 0:24:05.440 --> 0:24:09.159 Another way to experience like newness is to put yourself 0:24:09.160 --> 0:24:13.520 in someone else's shoes and to you know, create gratitude 0:24:13.560 --> 0:24:16.240 for somebody else if you can't experience it for yourself. 0:24:16.920 --> 0:24:21.840 Volunteering acts of kindness, those kinds of things are deeply powerful. 0:24:22.200 --> 0:24:25.159 Try and do like one kind thing a day for 0:24:25.200 --> 0:24:28.040 the next two weeks. Not only does this give you 0:24:28.040 --> 0:24:31.280 a sense of purpose, like I'm changing somebody else's life, 0:24:31.280 --> 0:24:33.800 even if they don't notice it, it also allows others 0:24:33.800 --> 0:24:37.040 to be grateful for you, and that can create feedback 0:24:37.119 --> 0:24:41.760 for modeling gratitude in general. When you're finding it really 0:24:41.800 --> 0:24:44.760 hard to access it, maybe you just need to create 0:24:44.800 --> 0:24:47.440 more of it for other people and it will come 0:24:47.480 --> 0:24:50.359 back to you in time. Similar to like, both of 0:24:50.359 --> 0:24:55.560 these like is just being curious novelty Curiosity somewhat similar, 0:24:55.760 --> 0:25:00.280 but it just keeps the mind open when I can't 0:25:00.320 --> 0:25:06.760 necessarily access these absolute positive emotions. Just try and explore, 0:25:07.000 --> 0:25:10.920 Just try and be interested in life, Try and find 0:25:11.000 --> 0:25:13.640 new things that you can learn about, and then see 0:25:13.640 --> 0:25:16.760 if gratitude comes some questions. You might also want to 0:25:16.800 --> 0:25:20.479 ask yourself to prompt this in your own life. Is like, 0:25:20.760 --> 0:25:24.240 when I'm looking at an experience, I might see it 0:25:24.240 --> 0:25:28.520 as only good or only bad. What is the gray area? 0:25:28.800 --> 0:25:32.399 What actually might this experience be teaching me that I 0:25:32.400 --> 0:25:34.080 don't have to be grateful for, but I don't have 0:25:34.119 --> 0:25:37.639 to be terrified of either? What might this be preparing 0:25:37.720 --> 0:25:40.119 me for? Or you know, if this was like a 0:25:40.200 --> 0:25:42.840 chapter of my life in a movie or a book 0:25:43.760 --> 0:25:47.359 and I was someone watching from the outside looking in, 0:25:48.280 --> 0:25:51.160 what's the purpose of this moment? Can I see where 0:25:51.160 --> 0:25:53.760 this is guiding me to in the future? What should 0:25:53.840 --> 0:25:57.760 my character do next? Instead of seeing things in like absolutes, 0:25:57.840 --> 0:26:00.639 this is only good, this is only bad. Yeah, Like 0:26:00.640 --> 0:26:03.159 there's zones us in on, like what's in the middle, 0:26:03.880 --> 0:26:05.960 what's like the meat of the situation? What it'm meant 0:26:06.000 --> 0:26:06.680 to be learning? 0:26:07.840 --> 0:26:09.320 And this like isn't. 0:26:09.080 --> 0:26:12.920 Supposed to be invalidating or it's not supposed to romanticize 0:26:12.960 --> 0:26:16.280