WEBVTT - S3:EP 5 - Paradise Lost 0:00:01.200 --> 0:00:03.400 Tell me more about what the lake looked like. 0:00:04.880 --> 0:00:08.479 It reminded me of glass, especially when it was so still. 0:00:13.320 --> 0:00:16.400 Now I never went from one side to the other, 0:00:16.600 --> 0:00:20.240 just because we weren't allowed. But before I became a maiden, 0:00:20.280 --> 0:00:22.720 there was a floating dock out there, and I went 0:00:22.800 --> 0:00:27.000 swimming from the floating dock and we would jump off 0:00:27.040 --> 0:00:29.920 and see who could grab the most sludge from the 0:00:29.960 --> 0:00:37.839 bottom and bring it up, as kids do. I remember 0:00:37.880 --> 0:00:43.000 sitting at Alamoth and there were decks we were right 0:00:43.040 --> 0:00:45.800 up against the lake, and I'd go out there in 0:00:45.880 --> 0:00:50.000 the morning sometimes and the lake would just look like glass. 0:00:51.400 --> 0:00:55.920 Sometimes you'd hear a beaver slap his tail or, you'd 0:00:55.920 --> 0:00:58.880 see ducks swimming, you'd see all the mys rising up 0:00:59.000 --> 0:01:02.720 with the sunrise coming up over it, and then you'd 0:01:02.720 --> 0:01:08.040 hear the loon call. It was a very beautiful, peaceful place. 0:01:08.959 --> 0:01:09.640 Sounds like it. 0:01:15.000 --> 0:01:18.880 During the winter it would completely freeze over, so it 0:01:18.920 --> 0:01:19.280 was just. 0:01:19.280 --> 0:01:25.800 This huge vast snow and ice, and then come springtime 0:01:25.840 --> 0:01:30.080 you'd start to hear the ice breaking up and this 0:01:30.360 --> 0:01:36.080 cracking sound almost like trees falling, that would get really loud. 0:01:36.080 --> 0:01:40.080 It would just echo through all the trees. As you know, 0:01:40.200 --> 0:01:46.960 the winters in Minnesota can be freezing, so I loved 0:01:46.959 --> 0:01:49.840 it when I could hear the ice starting to crack 0:01:50.640 --> 0:01:54.400 and you could see everything was melting, you new spring 0:01:54.480 --> 0:01:55.560 was right around the corner. 0:02:07.720 --> 0:02:10.840 At first, adjusting to being a maiden was a scary, 0:02:10.919 --> 0:02:15.200 lonely prospect, filled with shame and fear. But as the 0:02:15.280 --> 0:02:19.400 years blew by, Lindsay started feeling differently about it, and 0:02:19.440 --> 0:02:24.160 she started feeling differently about Victor. It's hard to imagine 0:02:24.200 --> 0:02:27.720 how that shift would happen, But then I think about 0:02:27.720 --> 0:02:32.800 how people have this ability to adapt and cope, to 0:02:32.840 --> 0:02:35.840 find the light in the corners of a dark room, 0:02:36.800 --> 0:02:41.200 and how after years of sinking into that darkness, you 0:02:41.280 --> 0:02:46.960 might appreciate those folds of light. When Lindsay was a teenager, 0:02:47.440 --> 0:02:51.760 Victor had the Maidens read Paradise Lost, John Milton's epic 0:02:51.800 --> 0:02:54.239 poem about Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. 0:02:55.520 --> 0:02:58.480 It's kind of surprising and that the story actually follows 0:02:58.520 --> 0:03:03.400 Satan as the protagonist. The story often unfolds through his eyes, 0:03:04.200 --> 0:03:06.920 and basically Satan comes up with a scheme to tempt 0:03:06.960 --> 0:03:10.680 Adam and Eve into sin. Satan convinces Eve to eat 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:13.000 fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, 0:03:13.280 --> 0:03:17.760 which is forbidden. Then God banishes them from their paradise. 0:03:19.120 --> 0:03:22.240 Paradise Lost is kind of it's a book about the 0:03:22.280 --> 0:03:28.080 fall of Adam and Eve and how our world became cursed. 0:03:28.680 --> 0:03:31.519 It was just weeks of us going to the carriage 0:03:31.560 --> 0:03:34.480 house and we'd make food and a fire, and we'd 0:03:34.480 --> 0:03:37.040 play music and we'd read the book. 0:03:38.000 --> 0:03:42.160 Paradise Lost is this mysterious book. It's full of hidden meaning. 0:03:43.080 --> 0:03:46.280 But Victor used it in a very literal way. His 0:03:46.320 --> 0:03:49.400 point was simple, look at how great this paradise is. 0:03:50.080 --> 0:03:54.720 If you fall from grace, you'll miss out. He asked 0:03:54.760 --> 0:03:57.400 the maidens to imagine their own version of paradise and 0:03:57.440 --> 0:04:02.560 pushed that fantastical promise one day they'd get their own planet, 0:04:03.000 --> 0:04:05.720 a place they could design themselves. 0:04:11.240 --> 0:04:14.320 So, you know, we were all talking about what we 0:04:14.400 --> 0:04:17.280 wanted them to look like, and how Victor would be 0:04:17.320 --> 0:04:20.919 able to come visit all of us, and how great 0:04:20.960 --> 0:04:24.240 it would be because of our dedication to in this life, 0:04:24.360 --> 0:04:26.799 to him and to the Church. 0:04:27.920 --> 0:04:30.760 What did you imagine your little heaven would be like 0:04:30.920 --> 0:04:32.920 or what would be there? How would you spend your 0:04:32.960 --> 0:04:33.520 time there? 0:04:33.720 --> 0:04:36.480 Oh, gosh, I wanted my heaven to look like a 0:04:36.800 --> 0:04:41.279 huge treehouse, but like I wanted it to be in 0:04:41.320 --> 0:04:44.080 the jungle, and I wanted, you know, the if you're 0:04:44.120 --> 0:04:46.680 trying to get from one cliff to another and they 0:04:46.680 --> 0:04:51.279 have those swinging bridges, tons of those through the trees 0:04:51.520 --> 0:04:56.320 and just treehouses connecting all to one another with monkeys 0:04:56.400 --> 0:05:01.000 and flowers and streams and what are That's kind of 0:05:01.000 --> 0:05:02.760 how my picture in might Heaven looking. 0:05:02.560 --> 0:05:05.320 Like that sounds like a fun place to be. 0:05:06.080 --> 0:05:10.640 Yeah. He talked about how we'd be able to basically 0:05:10.680 --> 0:05:14.920 just fly on over to each other's almost like stars. 0:05:15.400 --> 0:05:17.840 I would just be able to fly over to one 0:05:17.839 --> 0:05:20.760 another and visit each other. And it was definitely a 0:05:20.760 --> 0:05:25.040 season of for me at least, coming together and really 0:05:25.080 --> 0:05:28.400 bonding with the maidens and sometimes a lot of fun, 0:05:28.600 --> 0:05:35.039 lots of laughs. And I remember in those times thinking like, gosh, 0:05:35.080 --> 0:05:37.760 like how lucky am I out of all the people 0:05:37.760 --> 0:05:40.240 in the church, that He's spending time with the ten 0:05:40.320 --> 0:05:40.640 of us. 0:05:45.960 --> 0:05:49.360 Lindsay remembers when she was assigned to light the lantern 0:05:49.480 --> 0:05:52.240 on the bridge by the pond, the one they kept 0:05:52.360 --> 0:05:55.200 lit so Jesus could find them when he returned to 0:05:55.240 --> 0:05:56.240 bring them to Heaven. 0:05:56.960 --> 0:06:00.320 I remember thinking that lighting the lantern one night with 0:06:00.360 --> 0:06:02.960 one of the maidens walking up, like, can you believe 0:06:03.000 --> 0:06:05.640 out of all the people in the entire world, like 0:06:05.839 --> 0:06:07.560 we are the ones out of all the girls. And 0:06:07.640 --> 0:06:10.919 I remember saying, do you think that there's life on 0:06:11.000 --> 0:06:13.800 another planet? And maybe they have their own set of 0:06:13.800 --> 0:06:16.360 maidens over there? Like what would they be called? You know, 0:06:16.440 --> 0:06:20.640 like just thinking maybe there was another pocket on somewhere else, 0:06:20.720 --> 0:06:24.200 like way across the universe, ten girls who were dedicated 0:06:24.240 --> 0:06:27.000 to living their life for Christ. And I was like, 0:06:27.080 --> 0:06:29.560 I'll still be eighty years old walking with my cane 0:06:29.640 --> 0:06:32.039 through the snow to light the lantern. 0:06:32.000 --> 0:06:38.840 Was Sometimes Lindsay felt like she was in the garden 0:06:38.880 --> 0:06:43.040 of Eden and she could stay in that garden forever. 0:06:43.839 --> 0:06:47.400 All she had to do was resist eating the apple 0:07:04.360 --> 0:07:07.599 from her cocoa punch. In iHeart Podcasts, This is the 0:07:07.680 --> 0:07:11.560 Turning River Road, I'm Alan Lance Lesser and I. 0:07:11.560 --> 0:07:24.480 America Lance Part five Paradise Lost in the Past, Lindsay 0:07:24.480 --> 0:07:26.880 got in trouble for all kinds of things, like when 0:07:26.920 --> 0:07:29.440 Victor thought she smiled too much and took her instruments 0:07:29.480 --> 0:07:32.600 away for a week. Sometimes it felt like no one 0:07:32.640 --> 0:07:35.520 had her back. The maidens reported on each other, and 0:07:35.560 --> 0:07:39.000 she even got yelled at for waking up late. But 0:07:39.120 --> 0:07:41.760 over time, Lindsay grew more at home with the maidens, 0:07:42.640 --> 0:07:45.400 especially when River Road decided to sell the Shepherd's Camp 0:07:45.760 --> 0:07:49.520 their headquarters. Selling the camp made them millions of dollars, 0:07:49.560 --> 0:07:52.600 which gave them a financial boost. Victor moved to the 0:07:52.640 --> 0:07:56.800 maidens to a farmhouse at maiden Love, River Roads dairy farm. 0:07:57.320 --> 0:08:00.720 This meant they saw less of Victor. From Victor and 0:08:00.760 --> 0:08:04.960 the Shepherd's Camp, Lindsay didn't feel so watched. The space 0:08:05.000 --> 0:08:12.160 allowed the maidens to find each other. River Road had 0:08:12.160 --> 0:08:14.920 this little pottery business where the maidens would make dinnerware 0:08:14.960 --> 0:08:18.080 and cups and mugs and vases and wine coolers and 0:08:18.120 --> 0:08:22.080 even sinks. Everyone had a roll, like one maiden who 0:08:22.120 --> 0:08:25.160 was really good at glazing, one maiden really good at carving. 0:08:25.840 --> 0:08:27.760 Then some of the adults in the fellowship would take 0:08:27.760 --> 0:08:30.280 the pottery and sell it at shows and pop up shops. 0:08:30.960 --> 0:08:33.760 Lindsay loved it late nights at the shop with the 0:08:33.800 --> 0:08:37.760 maidens singing while they worked, and when they were done 0:08:37.960 --> 0:08:45.640 they crawled into bed. At the farmhouse, the walls slanted 0:08:45.679 --> 0:08:47.280 down where the beds were, so you know, if you 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:51.320 sat up straight, you may hit your head. We lay 0:08:51.320 --> 0:08:53.280 awake in bed, and I was coming up with tons 0:08:53.320 --> 0:08:57.600 of different stories, little funny stories to make them laugh, 0:08:59.679 --> 0:09:03.439 because because there was so much hardness to our life. 0:09:03.440 --> 0:09:07.320 In some ways, it's sweet that you were telling them stories. 0:09:07.400 --> 0:09:10.360 When you're one of the two youngest, you'd think that 0:09:10.360 --> 0:09:12.640 it would be like the oldest maiden telling stories to 0:09:12.679 --> 0:09:15.640 the younger girls, or something that seems like the real 0:09:15.720 --> 0:09:16.600 Lindsay coming out. 0:09:17.480 --> 0:09:22.920 Yeah, those years I started blossoming more. I mean, I 0:09:22.960 --> 0:09:27.680 still got reproved all the time and yelled at but 0:09:27.920 --> 0:09:32.200 there were moments of I think the real me trying 0:09:32.240 --> 0:09:33.679 to come out and shine. 0:09:36.160 --> 0:09:39.360 Lindsay was growing up, moving from middle school awkwardness to 0:09:39.400 --> 0:09:43.000 a teenager with ideas and creativity to share, and the 0:09:43.040 --> 0:09:46.920 maidens were growing too. Instead of being pitted against each other, 0:09:47.440 --> 0:09:50.800 they were becoming true sisters to each other. They were 0:09:50.920 --> 0:09:51.720 Lindsay's family. 0:09:51.800 --> 0:09:52.000 Now. 0:09:53.120 --> 0:09:55.719 She went by Lera, the name Victor gave her when 0:09:55.720 --> 0:09:58.120 he put her in charge of the music, and she 0:09:58.240 --> 0:10:01.920 flourished in the role. Victor gave her a tiny Panasonic 0:10:01.960 --> 0:10:15.560 tape recorder she could use for her songwriting, and once 0:10:15.600 --> 0:10:18.120 the Maidens worked up the songs. They recorded them for 0:10:18.200 --> 0:10:21.119 real and mixed them and made CDs for the fellowship. 0:10:22.720 --> 0:10:27.120 Lisa and Anna did some harmonies. Sometimes Nicole would do 0:10:27.160 --> 0:10:31.040 some harmonies. If you hear the flute, that was nicky. 0:10:31.559 --> 0:10:34.640 Katrina did the drums, Sarah played the bass. 0:10:35.720 --> 0:10:47.840 Drug clost Guy Saver, holding your. 0:10:52.240 --> 0:11:00.679 See you, the bond that the Maidens shared, it was deep, 0:11:00.800 --> 0:11:04.240 it was real. It was beautiful what we had in 0:11:04.280 --> 0:11:07.559 the midst of such terrific circumstances. 0:11:08.360 --> 0:11:11.680 In Lindsay's mind, those were beautiful years. Two thousand and five, 0:11:11.760 --> 0:11:14.760 two thousand and six, two thousand and seven. Even Victor 0:11:14.800 --> 0:11:16.000 seemed more at rest. 0:11:16.400 --> 0:11:20.680 And he had a baby grand piano there and we 0:11:20.679 --> 0:11:24.280 would just sit there and play music, and I remember 0:11:24.640 --> 0:11:27.360 figuring out on my guitar and just how happy he 0:11:27.360 --> 0:11:31.480 would be. He'd be so happy and praising you, and 0:11:32.280 --> 0:11:35.880 when he smiled, he had those smile lines, and it 0:11:35.880 --> 0:11:38.920 would just make you feel warm and really good and 0:11:39.760 --> 0:11:43.280 that you were doing really well. He was very like 0:11:43.400 --> 0:11:46.440 playful in some way, wanting to hear your thoughts and 0:11:46.480 --> 0:11:50.400 your ideas, and when he wasn't around, I would miss 0:11:50.440 --> 0:11:53.480 that feeling of the praise and almost feeling like I 0:11:53.600 --> 0:11:56.600 was finally being heard and valued in a way. 0:11:57.720 --> 0:11:59.959 Often, a couple of maidens walked Victor to where he 0:12:00.080 --> 0:12:02.520 slept at the end of the night, then they'd return 0:12:02.600 --> 0:12:05.760 with a request. One maiden would be asked to return 0:12:05.760 --> 0:12:06.960 to Victor alone. 0:12:07.800 --> 0:12:10.800 And we all knew what was going on. Nobody talked 0:12:10.800 --> 0:12:13.920 about it. But when somebody would come back and say, oh, 0:12:14.040 --> 0:12:16.400 you know, Victor wants to see you, and it's eleven 0:12:16.400 --> 0:12:18.400 at night or something, you knew what was going to happen. 0:12:19.320 --> 0:12:22.720 And how often it happened honestly depended on how Victor 0:12:22.760 --> 0:12:26.640 thought you were doing at the time spiritually, maybe how 0:12:26.679 --> 0:12:33.560 you looked physically, so it could happen as much as, gosh, 0:12:34.520 --> 0:12:37.880 seven ten times a month to maybe once a month, 0:12:37.960 --> 0:12:43.440 you know, depending on how you were feeling. For ten years, 0:12:45.200 --> 0:12:48.319 Lindsay says, Victor's right hand woman, Jan gave the maidens 0:12:48.360 --> 0:12:52.880 two books, both about relationships and sex. One of them 0:12:52.920 --> 0:12:56.520 included graphic how to instructions on sexual positions and how 0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:59.800 to please your partner. Lindsay thinks Victor wanted them to 0:12:59.840 --> 0:13:04.440 have these. I was still very awkward with him, and 0:13:05.480 --> 0:13:11.320 it got easier over time. That first time was so 0:13:11.600 --> 0:13:16.360 hard and definitely the ones after that, but they got 0:13:16.400 --> 0:13:18.920 easier and it wasn't you know, physically, it didn't hurt 0:13:18.920 --> 0:13:26.960 as much. I think, having that mindset of you know, 0:13:27.000 --> 0:13:34.400 it's God's love for me, it was It's like hard 0:13:34.440 --> 0:13:38.679 to say because it's so sickening, you know, and I 0:13:38.720 --> 0:13:45.320 think I don't know when it was withheld or when 0:13:45.360 --> 0:13:48.280 you knew like he wasn't happy with you, or you 0:13:48.280 --> 0:13:52.000 could tell he was giving other maidens special attention. It 0:13:52.080 --> 0:13:54.880 made me feel really bad about myself of what I 0:13:54.960 --> 0:13:57.800 was doing wrong and why I wasn't being picked more 0:13:58.000 --> 0:14:05.200 or was God upset with me for something? And then 0:14:05.240 --> 0:14:08.160 being with him in that way it felt like God 0:14:08.240 --> 0:14:12.640 did love me, like he was showing his love through 0:14:12.760 --> 0:14:16.560 Victor towards me. I would say in the beginning, it 0:14:16.600 --> 0:14:19.560 wasn't something that I craved. It wasn't like, oh, gosh, 0:14:19.600 --> 0:14:24.480 I hope he chooses me tonight for me to feel 0:14:24.680 --> 0:14:29.160 fully comfortable and even like comfortable with my body. It 0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:35.240 took years later on it definitely almost became a privilege 0:14:35.640 --> 0:14:38.920 to take care of him in that way. Makes me 0:14:38.960 --> 0:14:42.120 feel really awful to say, because it's really hard, you know, 0:14:42.240 --> 0:14:45.760 like thinking back on those years, like why I mean, 0:14:46.520 --> 0:14:48.800 why did I think that way? Why did I allow 0:14:48.920 --> 0:14:53.120 myself to get so sucked in by this man and 0:14:53.800 --> 0:14:55.680 thinking to the point that if I died for him, 0:14:55.720 --> 0:15:07.120 that would be the greatest honor. There was a season 0:15:07.160 --> 0:15:09.840 where I was assigned to take care of Victor, like 0:15:10.080 --> 0:15:12.240 wake him up in the morning and make him breakfast, 0:15:12.280 --> 0:15:14.480 help him organize his day. And I think I was 0:15:14.640 --> 0:15:19.320 on that duty for about ten months, and I remember 0:15:19.560 --> 0:15:26.160 hardly getting in trouble during that time. I remember just 0:15:26.200 --> 0:15:30.480 being almost like so grateful to him that he would 0:15:30.520 --> 0:15:34.160 choose me to have this time with him, and to 0:15:35.280 --> 0:15:38.440 get to even like know him better, to be able 0:15:38.440 --> 0:15:42.360 to work in the cabin with him in this intimate setting. 0:15:44.800 --> 0:15:48.880 I eventually thought I did love him, like truly loved 0:15:48.960 --> 0:16:24.160 him and would do anything for him. 0:16:24.320 --> 0:16:27.360 In her teens, Lindsay actually felt she was in love 0:16:27.440 --> 0:16:30.400 with Victor, and she has a record of this dynamic. 0:16:32.320 --> 0:16:34.560 She wrote about her love for Victor in a series 0:16:34.600 --> 0:16:38.240 of letters to him. The pages and pages she shared 0:16:38.280 --> 0:16:41.040 with us span years of her life. Starting at age fifteen. 0:16:41.720 --> 0:16:44.640 She wrote in pencil on simple lined notebook paper, the 0:16:44.720 --> 0:16:48.360 kind you'd see in school. As I look through the 0:16:48.440 --> 0:16:51.160 letters now I can't help but notice how much Lindsay 0:16:51.200 --> 0:16:53.800 seems like she's trying to prove her love to Victor, 0:16:54.520 --> 0:16:59.600 like she's desperate to have him believe her. On one hand, 0:16:59.640 --> 0:17:03.000 she's read reading these letters out of fear. By this point, 0:17:03.040 --> 0:17:05.600 she's been conditioned to behave and say things to avoid 0:17:05.680 --> 0:17:09.600 Victor's angry side. On the other hand, Lindsay has genuine 0:17:09.600 --> 0:17:13.200 feelings of warmth and admiration for him. That's something that's 0:17:13.280 --> 0:17:16.360 really common for kids who are being sexually abused. They 0:17:16.440 --> 0:17:20.120 often feel intense affection toward the perpetrator. They might even 0:17:20.160 --> 0:17:23.640 be convinced they're in love. Then later in life, when 0:17:23.640 --> 0:17:25.920 they look back, it can be hard to make sense 0:17:25.920 --> 0:17:34.639 of The letters Lindsay wrote are filled with religious language. 0:17:34.800 --> 0:17:37.639 She talks about a relationship with Jesus Christ getting ready 0:17:37.640 --> 0:17:40.720 for his return, but they also feel like love letters. 0:17:41.119 --> 0:17:43.679 The over the top, mosty type of writing you'd expect 0:17:43.760 --> 0:17:46.880 from two teenagers who just fell in love. And that's 0:17:46.920 --> 0:17:49.720 what Victor said the relationship was. He said he was 0:17:49.760 --> 0:17:54.760 her first love. In one letter, she writes, quote, thank 0:17:54.800 --> 0:17:57.159 you for all the times you loved me when I 0:17:57.280 --> 0:18:01.720 wasn't even worth loving. You've been a father, mother, and brother, 0:18:02.640 --> 0:18:07.120 a teacher, a shepherd, a friend, a covering, a watcher, 0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:11.399 someone who's ready to listen, the lover of my soul, 0:18:12.480 --> 0:18:16.120 a leader, somebody who's not afraid to reprove and encourage 0:18:16.160 --> 0:18:22.080 and correct forgiving, showing mercy and grace. Not the height, depth, length, 0:18:22.200 --> 0:18:24.959 or breadth could contain all the love that you have 0:18:25.000 --> 0:18:29.720 poured of yourself into me. In the same letter, she 0:18:29.760 --> 0:18:32.720 says she's cried so much her shirt is soaked, her 0:18:32.720 --> 0:18:36.160 eyes bloodshot, with a pile of tissues next to her. 0:18:37.280 --> 0:18:40.160 Then she crosses out the word pile and writes mountain. 0:18:41.440 --> 0:18:44.400 She says the tears come from thankfulness and love for him. 0:18:45.200 --> 0:18:49.280 She signs the letter hidden in This Love with You Lera, 0:18:50.000 --> 0:18:57.919 the name Victor had given her at the bottom of 0:18:57.960 --> 0:19:00.520 the page. It looks like she's been practicing writing her 0:19:00.560 --> 0:19:06.200 new name and his two. She writes your lira, your lira, lira, 0:19:06.800 --> 0:19:09.920 and Victor's name four times, like what a school age 0:19:10.000 --> 0:19:14.359 kid would doodle about her childhood crush. Sometimes, when she 0:19:14.520 --> 0:19:17.200 was reproved a lot, she says, she would seek out 0:19:17.280 --> 0:19:20.480 sex with him. She wanted him to pick her for 0:19:20.520 --> 0:19:23.920 the night. She wanted to feel desired to get rid 0:19:23.960 --> 0:19:25.600 of the worthlessness and ugliness. 0:19:25.640 --> 0:19:26.400 She felt. 0:19:29.920 --> 0:19:32.840 She might write something is on my heart that I 0:19:32.880 --> 0:19:34.920 want to talk to you about if you have time 0:19:34.960 --> 0:19:39.040 to fellowship Fellowship. Because she didn't want to spell it out, 0:19:40.160 --> 0:19:43.040 she wrote him once I love you, I love you, 0:19:43.720 --> 0:19:49.480 I love you, and underlined the last one. Victor left 0:19:49.480 --> 0:19:53.760 her messages too, like good morning, my dear, please wake 0:19:53.840 --> 0:19:57.720 me at six am in his love, or a note 0:19:57.760 --> 0:20:01.840 from Victor on paper printed with sunfly to my beloved 0:20:01.880 --> 0:20:07.480 Lindsay twined together my darling Lindsay of two one flesh, 0:20:07.760 --> 0:20:21.680 the great mystery. I love you, Victor and Victor recorded 0:20:21.760 --> 0:20:24.760 himself on that tape recorder, the tool he gave her 0:20:24.800 --> 0:20:28.919 to encourage her songwriting. The activities she cherished the most. 0:20:33.240 --> 0:20:38.560 Oh Leah, make a joyful noise unto the Lord God, 0:20:38.640 --> 0:20:39.360 bless you dear. 0:20:44.400 --> 0:20:46.680 After a night of praying with Victor and the maidens, 0:20:46.880 --> 0:20:48.399 Lindsay wrote a song before bed. 0:20:49.840 --> 0:20:53.560 So it goes. Sometimes the days seem so long, and 0:20:53.560 --> 0:20:57.720 my heart starts aching within, of missing you, of missing you. 0:20:58.600 --> 0:21:01.840 Driving away from your place, the tears started rolling down 0:21:01.840 --> 0:21:06.520 my face from missing you, from missing you. Soon we'll 0:21:06.560 --> 0:21:11.280 be together forever. Until then, nothing can sever the chords 0:21:11.320 --> 0:21:15.080 of love that entwine you and me, always coming back 0:21:15.160 --> 0:21:18.119 one day until then, this is what I'll say, that 0:21:18.160 --> 0:21:22.040 I'm in the fight and in love with you, that 0:21:22.200 --> 0:21:30.639 us victor. Part of it makes me sick reading that, ugh, 0:21:33.119 --> 0:21:35.399 trying to think of how, Let's see, this was in 0:21:35.400 --> 0:21:39.679 two thousand and four, so I would have been seventeen. 0:21:41.720 --> 0:21:44.560 And why do you think you wrote that? Do you 0:21:44.600 --> 0:21:48.760 think you felt that way at the time, or that 0:21:48.840 --> 0:21:53.000 you were trying to appease him or a bit of both. 0:21:54.119 --> 0:21:56.320 I think at the time I definitely felt that way. 0:21:57.160 --> 0:21:59.240 I mean, it's crazy you hear about this stuff in 0:21:59.440 --> 0:22:06.680 like domestic violence situations where people get so conditioned to 0:22:06.760 --> 0:22:09.360 living that way and then the person will abuse them 0:22:09.400 --> 0:22:11.240 and then they'll leave and then they'll say no, but 0:22:11.280 --> 0:22:12.880 I really love you and I won't do that again, 0:22:12.920 --> 0:22:15.680 and blah blah blah they'll go back and it's this 0:22:15.880 --> 0:22:20.480 revolving door. And I think I had been so conditioned 0:22:20.520 --> 0:22:25.240 at that time to want his love so badly and 0:22:25.359 --> 0:22:27.359 want to be in good graces with him, because I 0:22:27.400 --> 0:22:31.359 felt like that's how I was going to get to heaven. 0:22:32.359 --> 0:22:35.399 The heaven in my mind, wasn't about God. It was 0:22:35.440 --> 0:22:38.159 all about being with Victor for all eternity, which just 0:22:38.640 --> 0:22:42.399 shows me now how screwed up that totally is that 0:22:42.520 --> 0:22:45.479 Victor made himself to be this godlike figure. 0:22:47.200 --> 0:22:49.119 Lindsay was finally at peace with her life and the 0:22:49.160 --> 0:22:51.680 way it had been planned for her, but her best 0:22:51.680 --> 0:22:55.240 friend Jess felt something else. Jess, the youngest maiden with 0:22:55.359 --> 0:22:58.399 red hair and a giant smile, the one person Lindsay 0:22:58.440 --> 0:23:01.440 could be herself with. Lindsay didn't know it, but Jess 0:23:01.520 --> 0:23:04.280 was ill at ease. We didn't get to interview Jess, 0:23:04.400 --> 0:23:06.040 but we do have some recordings that were made of 0:23:06.080 --> 0:23:08.840 her later on. They're a little grainy and hard to hear, 0:23:09.160 --> 0:23:12.280 but she explains what happened. You can feel the dread 0:23:12.320 --> 0:23:13.800 in her voice. 0:23:14.240 --> 0:23:14.840 At that point. 0:23:14.880 --> 0:23:18.600 I was nineteen years old and extremely uncomfortable living the 0:23:18.600 --> 0:23:20.800 way we were stock. 0:23:21.240 --> 0:23:22.040 I didn't want to. 0:23:22.240 --> 0:23:25.000 Jess as talking about how uncomfortable she was living there 0:23:25.000 --> 0:23:27.399 at nineteen, and that she didn't want to be a 0:23:27.440 --> 0:23:28.600 maiden with Victor anymore. 0:23:28.920 --> 0:23:32.320 I didn't want to be with Victor. 0:23:35.040 --> 0:23:38.440 Jess had actually tried to escape once years before, back 0:23:38.480 --> 0:23:41.119 when she was middle school aged. She ran into the 0:23:41.119 --> 0:23:44.160 woods behind the shepherd's camp. She thought she'd walk until 0:23:44.200 --> 0:23:46.640 she hit Pokola Road and get to Finnlassen to find 0:23:46.640 --> 0:23:49.199 a phone, but once she was in the woods, she 0:23:49.240 --> 0:23:53.000 got scared. Then Victor found her. He yelled at her 0:23:53.080 --> 0:23:57.919 to come back, and for some reason she did. She 0:23:58.040 --> 0:24:00.479 turned around and walked back to him, and appter by 0:24:00.480 --> 0:24:03.600 the hair and dragged her inside. She never tried to 0:24:03.720 --> 0:24:11.720 escape again. But years later, in two thousand and eight, 0:24:12.760 --> 0:24:16.040 Jess couldn't take it anymore. She was nineteen years old 0:24:16.080 --> 0:24:19.879 and had been a maiden for seven years. Victor said, 0:24:20.160 --> 0:24:22.879 I'm going to ask you one more time. Is this 0:24:22.920 --> 0:24:26.280 what you want to do? Here's one last chance to leave, 0:24:27.359 --> 0:24:29.880 and Jess finally got up the courage to say, yes, 0:24:30.720 --> 0:24:33.840 I want to leave. She was the only maiden who did. 0:24:34.880 --> 0:24:36.600 She said she wanted a family of her own. 0:24:38.240 --> 0:24:42.080 I wanted to get married and have a life of my. 0:24:42.080 --> 0:24:46.880 Own, and so she did. Because that's the trick with cults. 0:24:47.200 --> 0:24:49.719 Most of the time, you can leave, you do have 0:24:49.760 --> 0:24:53.320 a choice. The point is that you're made to feel 0:24:53.359 --> 0:24:56.200 that you don't, and Jess had reached the point where 0:24:56.200 --> 0:25:01.720 she couldn't take it anymore. Jess would leave the maidens, 0:25:01.760 --> 0:25:05.160 but not the Fellowship. She told Victor she'd get married instead, 0:25:05.440 --> 0:25:07.480 the one other path a young woman in River Road 0:25:07.480 --> 0:25:12.960 could take. So Victor planned it all down to the 0:25:13.000 --> 0:25:15.679 man she would be with. Jess says it was almost 0:25:15.720 --> 0:25:18.600 like an arranged marriage. She says the guy Victor chose 0:25:18.680 --> 0:25:21.159 was strict and loyal to him, so he knew he 0:25:21.200 --> 0:25:25.119 would keep her in line. Victor had told her no 0:25:25.240 --> 0:25:28.639 hard feelings, but Jess said there were definitely hard feelings. 0:25:29.240 --> 0:25:32.240 She felt it from Victor and from all of Alamoth, 0:25:32.960 --> 0:25:34.240 all the maidens. 0:25:37.119 --> 0:25:37.320 You know. 0:25:37.440 --> 0:25:40.960 Victor announced us that she was leaving and that she 0:25:41.080 --> 0:25:42.920 was going to be getting married. That was the plan 0:25:43.440 --> 0:25:46.439 to a young man in the church. And oh man, 0:25:46.640 --> 0:25:48.399 I was so mad at her for leaving. 0:25:49.440 --> 0:25:54.000 Lindsay was in shock. Jess wasn't just leaving Victor. Jess 0:25:54.080 --> 0:25:54.760 was leaving her. 0:25:55.840 --> 0:25:56.040 Ugh. 0:25:56.359 --> 0:25:59.120 I remember hating her for it because in the early 0:25:59.200 --> 0:26:03.520 years we had talked to maybe running away. Never knew 0:26:03.560 --> 0:26:07.000 how we knew we'd get in trouble, somebody would find us, 0:26:07.240 --> 0:26:12.880 and we're back right where we started. And I think 0:26:13.000 --> 0:26:18.640 those memories of us, you know, when we were twelve 0:26:18.720 --> 0:26:22.639 or fourteen thirteen, talking about running away, like just so 0:26:22.720 --> 0:26:28.439 many memories came back good ones, bad ones, and I 0:26:28.480 --> 0:26:32.240 just kept thinking, Wow, Like she got out, she did it, 0:26:32.400 --> 0:26:40.040 she left, and I think I felt so stuck. I 0:26:40.080 --> 0:26:44.760 didn't know how to get the guts to do something 0:26:44.840 --> 0:26:48.359 like that, and I was so mad at her, but 0:26:48.440 --> 0:26:52.760 I was also really happy for her. I thought she 0:26:52.800 --> 0:26:56.640 would lose her place among the maidens in heaven, and 0:26:57.520 --> 0:26:59.520 that was a big fear of mine too, And I 0:26:59.600 --> 0:27:03.160 was like, I am definitely staying a maiden, and I'm 0:27:03.160 --> 0:27:04.439 going to stay in my commitments. 0:27:05.760 --> 0:27:08.600 Seeing just leave and all the reactions only made Lindsay 0:27:08.680 --> 0:27:11.480 cling to her commitments more. She didn't want to lose 0:27:11.520 --> 0:27:14.280 her status in the next life. The idea of not 0:27:14.400 --> 0:27:17.040 being with the other maidens in heaven terrified her. 0:27:17.800 --> 0:27:22.120