1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:07,000 Speaker 1: Non burgun Day, Ron burg and day talking and singing anything. 2 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:10,320 Speaker 1: Hello out there, my name is Ron Burgundy, and you 3 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:14,800 Speaker 1: are listening to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Today we are 4 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:19,000 Speaker 1: going to slow things down a bit and reminisce over 5 00:00:19,079 --> 00:00:24,279 Speaker 1: some enjoyable moments from my wonderful career in broadcasting as 6 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:28,120 Speaker 1: I look back at my five favorite news stories from 7 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:31,440 Speaker 1: the past half century. I've covered a lot of news 8 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:33,760 Speaker 1: over the years and have been in the middle of 9 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:39,320 Speaker 1: some real exciting stories moon Landings, Watergate, O J. Simpson. 10 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:42,040 Speaker 1: The list goes on and on. The first Batman premiere, 11 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:46,720 Speaker 1: the Girl in the well Y two, k Amelia Earhart, 12 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:50,479 Speaker 1: so many stories. The Miracle on Ice? How could I 13 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:54,720 Speaker 1: forget that one? Not to dwell on the Miracle on Ice, which, 14 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:57,639 Speaker 1: for those of you who don't remember, was when the 15 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:02,200 Speaker 1: American hockey team be the much favored Russian hockey team 16 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:05,400 Speaker 1: in the nineteen eighty Olympics. It was considered a miracle 17 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,960 Speaker 1: at the time because the Russian team was the heavy favorite. 18 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,839 Speaker 1: But anyway, this is getting off track for a second, 19 00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:15,800 Speaker 1: but I I can't help just mentioning it. Broadcaster al 20 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:20,280 Speaker 1: Michaels always gets credit for his amazing line as the 21 00:01:20,319 --> 00:01:24,039 Speaker 1: game clock was ticking down? Do you believe in miracles? 22 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:26,560 Speaker 1: Which made it onto a lot of T shirts at 23 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,240 Speaker 1: the time, and frankly, I I think it was a 24 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:32,000 Speaker 1: lot of horses. I know L. I see him around 25 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,280 Speaker 1: from time to time. We we had a time share 26 00:01:34,319 --> 00:01:37,880 Speaker 1: condo and Veil Colorado in the nineteen nineties along with 27 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:42,959 Speaker 1: Linda Ronstadt and Genie Garth from Beverly Hills. One Oh, 28 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,360 Speaker 1: but man, that guy sure would burn my bridges. And 29 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:50,600 Speaker 1: here's why. I was broadcasting the nine eight hockey game 30 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:53,960 Speaker 1: for the radio at the time, and as the clock 31 00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:58,160 Speaker 1: was ticking down, I yelled out, well, folks, it looks 32 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:02,640 Speaker 1: like the Americans are slip sliding away to victory. What 33 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:05,320 Speaker 1: you gotta admit was a pretty cool thing to say. 34 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:08,280 Speaker 1: I took a very popular Paul Simon song at the 35 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:11,639 Speaker 1: time called slip Sliding Away, and I put it into 36 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:16,840 Speaker 1: a hockey context. I really thought that would make buttons 37 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,440 Speaker 1: and T shirts and bumper stickers and I would be 38 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:23,320 Speaker 1: famous for that. But no, L. Michael's got all of 39 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,680 Speaker 1: the glory, and he used to rub it in my 40 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:28,400 Speaker 1: face when he saw me in airports or hotel lounges. 41 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:32,520 Speaker 1: I got back at him, though his family would always 42 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:36,240 Speaker 1: get the condo we shared the week after I had it, 43 00:02:36,919 --> 00:02:40,000 Speaker 1: So every time I left the condo, I would close 44 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,519 Speaker 1: up all the windows and doors, really seal it up tight, 45 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:47,000 Speaker 1: and then I would lay down ten or fifteen Ron 46 00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:51,080 Speaker 1: Burgundy style farts, real bottom of the dumpster kind of stuff. 47 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:54,000 Speaker 1: I would cover the whole condo and farts and then 48 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:58,920 Speaker 1: get out before I fainted. It worked like a real charm. 49 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,400 Speaker 1: I would get these angry calls from how Michael's about 50 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,880 Speaker 1: how I made his whole family throw up, and I 51 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:08,080 Speaker 1: would just laugh my pants off. Funny stuff. But anyway, 52 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:11,560 Speaker 1: I got way off track there. Once again, Today's show 53 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:16,440 Speaker 1: is once again. Today's show is about my five favorite 54 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:19,480 Speaker 1: news stories I've covered, and believe me, you'll want to 55 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:22,440 Speaker 1: stay with me for this one. As always, I am 56 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:26,400 Speaker 1: joined by my co host and friend Carolina. Carolina, how 57 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,840 Speaker 1: are you today? Oh, I'm great, Ron. I'm actually kind 58 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:31,560 Speaker 1: of excited to hear about your favorite stories. I mean, 59 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:33,600 Speaker 1: we usually just have a guest or two on the show, 60 00:03:33,639 --> 00:03:36,120 Speaker 1: and you never know how that's going to go. I mean, 61 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:40,440 Speaker 1: we've actually made some terrible shows in the past, but 62 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:43,000 Speaker 1: today is just you and me and your top favorite 63 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:46,640 Speaker 1: news stories of all time. Thank you, Carolina. I will 64 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:51,120 Speaker 1: say this tiny thing that doesn't really matter, but I 65 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,360 Speaker 1: have a little bit of a headache today. Oh I'm 66 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:55,760 Speaker 1: sorry to hear that. Can I get you anything, like 67 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:58,840 Speaker 1: some aspirin or something? Can we get Okay? No, no, 68 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:02,240 Speaker 1: but thanks. It's it's really a trifling matter, right. I 69 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:04,720 Speaker 1: don't know if if you know this, but I've always 70 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:07,120 Speaker 1: been able to block out pain and stay focused on 71 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,960 Speaker 1: the job that needs to be done. Pain has no 72 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:13,760 Speaker 1: power over a strong mind. Pain is something you can 73 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:16,720 Speaker 1: totally put aside if you need it. Oh really not 74 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,279 Speaker 1: not me. I get the slightest little cut or a 75 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,760 Speaker 1: coal or something, and it just consumes me. I can't 76 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:26,039 Speaker 1: work or do anything. I just shut down. Well that's 77 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:29,360 Speaker 1: because you're not a professional like I am. In my business. 78 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,680 Speaker 1: You are trained from the first day you hit the 79 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:35,040 Speaker 1: news desk to never lose your focus and concentrate on 80 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:38,040 Speaker 1: the matter at hand. In the news game, people depend 81 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:40,520 Speaker 1: on you, and I've always been able to push away 82 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,880 Speaker 1: any pain and do my job. You'll learn it's it's 83 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:46,560 Speaker 1: no big deal. You're you're very young, and you you 84 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:50,599 Speaker 1: will learn to cast aside pain. Hopefully, I won't have to. 85 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:54,800 Speaker 1: So should we get started with today's show? You bet so? 86 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,400 Speaker 1: Is it going to be like a countdown of your 87 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:59,640 Speaker 1: top five news stories of all time? Uh? So many 88 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,640 Speaker 1: great stories I have covered, so it was it was 89 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:04,960 Speaker 1: really hard to narrow it down just to five, but 90 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:08,720 Speaker 1: I gave it my best shot. Uh. Should we get started? Yeah, 91 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:12,359 Speaker 1: I'm ready? Okay? Then coming in at number five of 92 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,200 Speaker 1: the top five news stories I have covered in my 93 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:22,919 Speaker 1: long and illustrious career is one second time? You know, 94 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,799 Speaker 1: if you or Nick could run out and just grab 95 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:27,960 Speaker 1: me some headache pills that that would be great. Not 96 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,719 Speaker 1: really bothering me, but just in case I need them later, 97 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:32,520 Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Sure I can send out 98 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,719 Speaker 1: for them, no problem. Really, what do you like? Advil, Thailan, 99 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:40,760 Speaker 1: all Bear, a Leave, Etceteran, Motron Generic? What do you like? 100 00:05:40,839 --> 00:05:43,280 Speaker 1: There are so many brands out there. I like Generic myself. 101 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:44,960 Speaker 1: I think they do the job. Just find out like 102 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,720 Speaker 1: half the price. Saving money is important, right, But really, 103 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,640 Speaker 1: anything you want, we can get it. What do you like? 104 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:56,520 Speaker 1: I would like you to stop talking. I'm so sorry. Yeah, 105 00:05:57,080 --> 00:06:00,839 Speaker 1: that that was unnecessary. I'll be honest. Ache has developed 106 00:06:00,839 --> 00:06:03,680 Speaker 1: into quite a little stinger and I just need to 107 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,400 Speaker 1: block it out and get on with the show. I'll 108 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,800 Speaker 1: just get someone on staff to run out and get 109 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,680 Speaker 1: a bunch of meds. Okay, but tell them to beat 110 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:14,880 Speaker 1: feet in the meantime. Before we get started, I'm just 111 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:19,240 Speaker 1: gonna go through my usual pain management routine. What does 112 00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:26,080 Speaker 1: it bear with me? Okay, Roun, you are in pain, 113 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:31,599 Speaker 1: block it out. Don't think about the pain. You have 114 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:36,800 Speaker 1: a headache. Close your eyes. It's in your mind. It's 115 00:06:36,839 --> 00:06:44,920 Speaker 1: not real. That headache is not real. Relax, relax your mind. 116 00:06:46,279 --> 00:06:48,920 Speaker 1: People at home don't need to hear this, but it's okay. 117 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:54,080 Speaker 1: They understand you are willing away the pain with your 118 00:06:54,160 --> 00:07:00,120 Speaker 1: powerful mind. The headache is almost gone. It's going away. 119 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:04,640 Speaker 1: Think about lambs playfully bouncing around a green field and 120 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:09,960 Speaker 1: far off Nova Scotia, fluffy kitty cats bouncing and tumbling 121 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:14,880 Speaker 1: and bumbling on a cotton pillow. It's soft, so soft. 122 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:21,520 Speaker 1: Headache is almost gone. There's no need to worry. Now. 123 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:25,960 Speaker 1: Mama's gonna buy you a brand new bag that in 124 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:30,560 Speaker 1: the pegs and apple pie, and if that apple pie 125 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:36,120 Speaker 1: could sing, Momma's gonna get you a wedding ring. Okay, 126 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:40,760 Speaker 1: it's not working. My meditation technique is not working today. 127 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:45,480 Speaker 1: So much for that class. That was really a guy 128 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,240 Speaker 1: you meet on the street, a thousand bucks cash for 129 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:52,840 Speaker 1: a fool proof meditation class and it's a bust go figure. 130 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:57,360 Speaker 1: And now, gosh darna, if this headache isn't even worse, Yeah, 131 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,920 Speaker 1: that was hunting. Should we just we can just take 132 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,280 Speaker 1: break or something. If you're not feeling well? What No, 133 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,440 Speaker 1: don't be silly. I've I've I've got it managed. The 134 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:09,040 Speaker 1: show must go on. The number five best news stories 135 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:14,880 Speaker 1: I've ever covered. Start the drum roll. Number five, the 136 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,640 Speaker 1: disappearance of Chitter Chatter, the spider monkey. Oh my mom 137 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,360 Speaker 1: told me all about that one. No, I don't doubt it, Carolina. 138 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:24,600 Speaker 1: The year was nine in the world was about to 139 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:27,320 Speaker 1: be turned on its head. The San Diego Zoo, that 140 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:31,360 Speaker 1: wonderful institution of animal preservation and scientific research, was hit 141 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:35,160 Speaker 1: with a crime so devious and so underhanded that it 142 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:38,280 Speaker 1: is literally something only talked about in whispers in San 143 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:41,439 Speaker 1: Diego to this day. And I was right there in 144 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:44,280 Speaker 1: the middle of it. The shocking abduction of Chitter Chatter, 145 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,640 Speaker 1: the most beloved spider monkey in all of the world. 146 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,760 Speaker 1: I'll never forget that day. Hold up, did someone go 147 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:54,200 Speaker 1: out and get those headache pills the ones I asked 148 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:57,080 Speaker 1: for like an hour ago. There, Yeah, they're getting them. 149 00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:59,440 Speaker 1: Not good enough. They should be here now, they'll be 150 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,560 Speaker 1: here very you soon here. Why don't you have some water? 151 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:07,240 Speaker 1: Because water is magic. Water cures headaches with just a 152 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:11,160 Speaker 1: few SIPs. Great idea, Carolina. Hey everyone, Carolina is a 153 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:14,959 Speaker 1: magical doctor from Fairyland who can cure headaches with water, 154 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:18,480 Speaker 1: and who has a degree from Wizard College and far 155 00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:22,720 Speaker 1: off make Believe Land. What what? Why are you looking 156 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:27,960 Speaker 1: at me like that? I'm sorry. I lost my temper. 157 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,719 Speaker 1: Very rarely do that, of course. It's just well, it's 158 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,839 Speaker 1: just as headache is proving to be a little bit 159 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:37,800 Speaker 1: of a demon, nasty little head demon. You ever had 160 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:40,040 Speaker 1: a headache, Carolina? Oh my god, I get them all 161 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:43,040 Speaker 1: the time. Yesterday I was driving on the freeway, just 162 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:46,720 Speaker 1: stuck in the worst traffic, and cars were honking all 163 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,480 Speaker 1: around me, and my head was just pounding like crazy, 164 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,600 Speaker 1: and the radio was playing and I could see my 165 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,040 Speaker 1: exit up ahead, but there was just so much traffic 166 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,080 Speaker 1: that the whole time. Okay, Carolina, no need for a 167 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,720 Speaker 1: whole story. I just asked you if you ever got headaches. 168 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,319 Speaker 1: I I didn't ask you to read a books on 169 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:07,040 Speaker 1: tape to me. Okay, once again I lost my temper 170 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:10,600 Speaker 1: and I apologize. I do apologize. You are a wonderful person. 171 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:13,520 Speaker 1: Just right now, because of the way my head is feeling, 172 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,720 Speaker 1: I'm a little bit saucy, that's all. Should we just 173 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,040 Speaker 1: try and get through the show until those pills come. 174 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:22,760 Speaker 1: Great idea, great idea. Let's see. Where was I? Oh, yes, yes, 175 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:26,080 Speaker 1: it was true. Chitter chatter, the spider monkey had been 176 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:28,600 Speaker 1: stolen from his cage at the zoo. I was at 177 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,480 Speaker 1: the news desk when the story came over the wire. 178 00:10:30,559 --> 00:10:34,599 Speaker 1: I was, in fact the first to report it, before Mantooth, 179 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:38,320 Speaker 1: before the local guys, before the national news even picked 180 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:41,280 Speaker 1: it up. It was my story, and I took hold 181 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:43,960 Speaker 1: of it like a dog going after a guy's wiener. 182 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,920 Speaker 1: I could tell from the beginning the police were going 183 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,240 Speaker 1: to need help, so I jumped right into the news 184 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:53,199 Speaker 1: van and headed down to the world famous San Diego Zoo, 185 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:57,400 Speaker 1: that bastion of environmental study, the place where people can 186 00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:00,520 Speaker 1: eat corn dogs and watch guerrillas throwing that each other 187 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:04,400 Speaker 1: in a hundred degree heat. Real science type stuff. When 188 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:07,480 Speaker 1: I got there, I noticed something right away. Hey, where 189 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:12,320 Speaker 1: the fudge are those pills? Huh? Okay, now we're getting somewhere. 190 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:19,000 Speaker 1: Let's see. Should we take a break while you take 191 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:21,800 Speaker 1: your meds? No, no need, I just pop a few 192 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:32,680 Speaker 1: and then back to the show. Let's see one second, 193 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:35,160 Speaker 1: just trying to open this bottle? Can I help? I 194 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:41,679 Speaker 1: got it? I got it? Geez. Anyway, chitter Chatter was 195 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:45,760 Speaker 1: you know, spider monkey. They're not the biggest monkey, so 196 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:49,800 Speaker 1: maybe give me a try pretty hard. If I know 197 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:53,320 Speaker 1: I've got it, I've got it. Just it should be 198 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:55,920 Speaker 1: a simple thing. It's not, though they can be hard. 199 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,120 Speaker 1: Maybe I think I've got it. It's it's it's one 200 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:04,840 Speaker 1: of those squeeze on a turn, getting closer here, gosh, 201 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:10,120 Speaker 1: turn it. It's a real head scratcher. Oh there it 202 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:15,080 Speaker 1: is got to Nope, why don't you just give it 203 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,160 Speaker 1: to me? What do you think I can't open it? 204 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:23,400 Speaker 1: Give me a break? I'm Ron Burgundy. Um we should 205 00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:40,199 Speaker 1: go to a commercial break? Why no, we shouldn't. Where 206 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:44,320 Speaker 1: was I in the story? Okay, shitter chattered. The spider 207 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:47,960 Speaker 1: monkey had been stolen from this little monkey cage, and 208 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,439 Speaker 1: it was up to me to find the people who 209 00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:53,640 Speaker 1: did it. I noticed one thing right away, something that 210 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,200 Speaker 1: something the police didn't see. But as a news anchor, 211 00:12:57,240 --> 00:13:01,160 Speaker 1: I have a sixth sense about these things, and I 212 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:06,080 Speaker 1: noticed something that made my spidy senses tingle. There was 213 00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:09,960 Speaker 1: a leather glove laying next to the cage. The leather 214 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:16,040 Speaker 1: was a soft Cordovian Moroccan leather, finally tanned and stitched, 215 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:20,520 Speaker 1: more than likely by a high toned English glover, probably 216 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:25,480 Speaker 1: along Carnebi Street. Upon further investigation, the glove held yet 217 00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:30,360 Speaker 1: another God this bottle will not open. Please run, let 218 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,800 Speaker 1: me try, Let me try to shut up your stupid 219 00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:43,319 Speaker 1: Oh okay, whoa, whoa, Okay. Let's let let me be 220 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:47,520 Speaker 1: the first to apologize for that that was completely unnecessary 221 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:51,719 Speaker 1: and most definitely brought on by this horrific headache and 222 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:55,840 Speaker 1: this torturous bottle. It's it's like the makers of this 223 00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,720 Speaker 1: bottle are trying to get me to kill myself. Definitely 224 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,800 Speaker 1: not it. You can actually think the Poison Prevention Act 225 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,480 Speaker 1: of nineteen seventy for that bottle. Why would I think 226 00:14:04,559 --> 00:14:07,400 Speaker 1: anyone for this bottle? No, I mean it's because of 227 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:10,120 Speaker 1: the Poison Prevention Act of nineteen seventy that we have 228 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,920 Speaker 1: child proof medicine bottles. Well, look who studied in school. 229 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:17,120 Speaker 1: I hate to bust your bubble over there, dock, but 230 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:21,200 Speaker 1: this bottle is not child proof. No human could open it? 231 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:25,520 Speaker 1: Could I please just try? Oh? Sure, be my guess 232 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:28,440 Speaker 1: I would laugh. But my head feels like someone took 233 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:31,880 Speaker 1: an axe to it. I can't really describe how awful 234 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:35,400 Speaker 1: my head feels. It's it's on fire, or it's like 235 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:39,160 Speaker 1: someone is squeezing it in a huge vice. But but 236 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,640 Speaker 1: if you want to look stupid trying to open this bottle, 237 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:45,840 Speaker 1: go ahead. This this MANI torture devices all years, so 238 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:53,560 Speaker 1: go for it. Here you go. They're see you just 239 00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:56,600 Speaker 1: have to push down and twist. Okay, but I did 240 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,520 Speaker 1: do that. I did. I did that a million times. 241 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,040 Speaker 1: You must have just un lucky. Why don't you just 242 00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:04,040 Speaker 1: take your pills? Okay, but first I'm putting this cat 243 00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:07,440 Speaker 1: back on and I'm pushing it down and twisting like 244 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:11,600 Speaker 1: you said, no, don't run. I can't believe you didn't 245 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,560 Speaker 1: just take a couple before closing that. Again, if this 246 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,120 Speaker 1: is as easy as you say, I'll have my pills 247 00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:21,080 Speaker 1: faster than you can sing. Slip slide new way. Okay, 248 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:27,160 Speaker 1: so I'm pushing and twisting, pushing. It doesn't need to 249 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:42,280 Speaker 1: be that hard. Twisting, pushing, twisting, pushing twisting a pushing twisting. 250 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:47,680 Speaker 1: They should give this to a terrorist at Gitmo. This 251 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:51,000 Speaker 1: is a hundred times more painful than water boarding. I 252 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,200 Speaker 1: have been waterboarded, by the way, and this is worse. 253 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,680 Speaker 1: Let me do it again and I will get you 254 00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,920 Speaker 1: your pills and then I'll give the bottle right back 255 00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:00,880 Speaker 1: to you. You think I'm an idiot? Is that what 256 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,440 Speaker 1: you think? Do you think I'm a child with no brain? 257 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:08,920 Speaker 1: I can do this push and twist? Nope, one more try, 258 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:14,800 Speaker 1: push and twist? Are you crying? Are you crying again? 259 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:20,560 Speaker 1: I'm not Can someone in Nick? Can we just get 260 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:24,960 Speaker 1: run three pills and bring them to him on a plate? No, 261 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:28,720 Speaker 1: nobody come in this room. I'm going to open this bottle, 262 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,720 Speaker 1: but not the second. I don't like showing off. I'll 263 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,760 Speaker 1: do it later, maybe at home. Are you sure you're 264 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:41,400 Speaker 1: gonna do it later at home in private? I don't 265 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,040 Speaker 1: know if you do. You want to get sucked in 266 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,920 Speaker 1: the face. Okay? That was you know what? That was 267 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,080 Speaker 1: just my frustration with this whole situation. Everyone has created 268 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:52,600 Speaker 1: around me. And what I want to do is finish 269 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:55,640 Speaker 1: the story and forget the dumb bottle of headache pills. 270 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:59,360 Speaker 1: Where was I? Um? You found a glove outside the 271 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,560 Speaker 1: monkey cake. Each were not just any glove. The label 272 00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:07,159 Speaker 1: inside the glove Mr guys Men's Shop. Now, for anyone 273 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,160 Speaker 1: growing up in Santiago at the time, you you would 274 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:14,480 Speaker 1: know that Mr. Guys Men's Shop was the finest men's 275 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:19,480 Speaker 1: shop in the whole town. It's where I shopped, It's 276 00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:24,240 Speaker 1: where Hall of Famer Tony Gwyn shop. Basically, it's where 277 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:27,800 Speaker 1: you win if you wanted to look classy. Anyhoo. I 278 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:31,480 Speaker 1: told the police about the glove, but they seemed uninterested. 279 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,280 Speaker 1: So I took the glove down to Mr Guy's Men's shop. 280 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:41,520 Speaker 1: Heavens to Murgatroy, great deal of pain. You don't want 281 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,600 Speaker 1: me to This isn't a normal headache and and and 282 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:47,800 Speaker 1: confound this bottle. Sweet, Holy Mother of God, all I 283 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:50,840 Speaker 1: want to do is get three little pills inside this 284 00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:57,440 Speaker 1: satanic container. Right, took the glove down to Mr Guy's 285 00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:00,720 Speaker 1: Men's shop, and I asked Don Parl her own, the 286 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:04,000 Speaker 1: proprietor and my good friend, if he could remember who 287 00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:07,280 Speaker 1: had sold the glove to run. Yes, Carolina, what is it? 288 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,639 Speaker 1: I'm sorry your hand is bleeding. I know that my 289 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:13,520 Speaker 1: hand is bleeding. Why I have a bleeding hand. I've 290 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:16,480 Speaker 1: been twisting and pushing down on this bottle top for 291 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:19,560 Speaker 1: a long time, and now my hand is bleeding. I 292 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:21,960 Speaker 1: know this sounds crazy, but I'm I'm hoping I pass 293 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,680 Speaker 1: out from the blood loss. That way I won't feel 294 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:28,320 Speaker 1: this headache anymore. Makes sense? Good, It's just that it's 295 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,080 Speaker 1: taking you a long time to get through the one story, 296 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,720 Speaker 1: the story of the missing monkey jitter Chatter, and he 297 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,440 Speaker 1: was a spider monkey and not just a monkey. It 298 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:40,440 Speaker 1: consumed a nation for many days, and as you will 299 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:43,480 Speaker 1: soon see, I cracked the case. I'm just saying, maybe 300 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:47,119 Speaker 1: we can postpone this great, this great story till another time, 301 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,919 Speaker 1: maybe when you don't have a headache, and when we 302 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,000 Speaker 1: get something on your hand, when your hand is not bleeding. 303 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,679 Speaker 1: Wouldn't that be convenient? You just don't want me to 304 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,920 Speaker 1: open this medicine bottle. I know what kind of game 305 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,960 Speaker 1: you're playing, young lady, and you're not getting one over 306 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:16,720 Speaker 1: on me. Back to my number five news story of 307 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,600 Speaker 1: all time, the theft of chitter Chat or the Spider Monkey. 308 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:23,200 Speaker 1: I took the glove down to Don Parlelone and asked 309 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,520 Speaker 1: him if he could remember who he sold the glove too. 310 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:29,600 Speaker 1: And here's where the story takes an interesting turn. Do 311 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:33,040 Speaker 1: you know what he said, Carolina? He said he sold 312 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,720 Speaker 1: the gloves to me? Did you hear that to me? 313 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:41,200 Speaker 1: A mysterious glove found at the Missing Spider monkeys cage? Yes, 314 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:44,479 Speaker 1: chitter chatter, the spider monkey. The leather glove found at 315 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,200 Speaker 1: the scene of the crime was mine. It was clear 316 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,160 Speaker 1: someone was trying to set me up. Who would try 317 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,760 Speaker 1: and set me up? I had a lot of enemies 318 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:55,520 Speaker 1: in those days. I was handsome and I was number one, 319 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:58,680 Speaker 1: So yes, I had my share of enemies. Tom Broke 320 00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:05,040 Speaker 1: all hated me. Pia Zadora, Peter Fonda, Alan Alda, Pat Nixon, 321 00:20:05,119 --> 00:20:09,480 Speaker 1: Ronald Reagan, Andy Williams, Manfred Man and his Whole Earth Band, 322 00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:13,879 Speaker 1: Carl Sagan, Dolly Parton, Ed McMahon, Dick Butkus, Song and 323 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,920 Speaker 1: Dance Man, Sammy Davis Jr. The Osmonds, and the Jackson 324 00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:21,240 Speaker 1: So so many enemies when I look back on at 325 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,520 Speaker 1: Carolina had had a lot of enemies back then, but 326 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:28,040 Speaker 1: none more aggravating and dangerous than this little bottle of 327 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:32,240 Speaker 1: aspir Laughing about it, I have to laugh about it. 328 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:35,280 Speaker 1: If I didn't, I would blow my brains out, because 329 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:38,600 Speaker 1: the pain of this headache is so great and the 330 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:42,240 Speaker 1: fact that I can't get these pills is so horrific 331 00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:46,720 Speaker 1: and torturous that I can only laugh. Sometimes they say 332 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,320 Speaker 1: laughter is the best medicine, But but you know what 333 00:20:49,359 --> 00:20:52,560 Speaker 1: I think. I think the best medicine is in this 334 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:56,120 Speaker 1: little bottle that I can't open. And one day, when 335 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:59,160 Speaker 1: I do get it open and I'm all better, I'm 336 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:01,600 Speaker 1: gonna track I'm the guy who made this bottle cap 337 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,360 Speaker 1: and I'm gonna beat his face in with a sewing machine, 338 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:07,199 Speaker 1: something heavy enough to do real damage, but not so 339 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,280 Speaker 1: heavy that I can't swing it around. You know what 340 00:21:09,359 --> 00:21:12,520 Speaker 1: I'm saying. I think maybe you're letting this headache get 341 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,600 Speaker 1: the best of you. And I hold that thought. I've 342 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:20,000 Speaker 1: got a good feeling. I've got it now. I still 343 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:25,639 Speaker 1: can't open it. I can do it's less. What are 344 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:35,280 Speaker 1: you doing? What are you doing with your shoe? I 345 00:21:35,359 --> 00:21:39,720 Speaker 1: have had that, Holy Mother of Saint Godfrey, I have 346 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:43,320 Speaker 1: had all of this. I'm going to take today and 347 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:46,360 Speaker 1: this little bottle is going to get off the goods. 348 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:55,719 Speaker 1: This insanity stops right now. Yes, yes, a thrown Burgundy 349 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:59,880 Speaker 1: one headache pill bottle zero. I have defeated you. Your 350 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:02,879 Speaker 1: days of making a fool of me are over. Do 351 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:06,320 Speaker 1: you hear me? You shall not mock me another minute. 352 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:11,160 Speaker 1: These pills, these many pills scattered on the floor mine. Now, 353 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:21,800 Speaker 1: can I have one of those? Roun Yes, Carolina? Is 354 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:28,320 Speaker 1: it over? Yes, it's over? Oh and by the way, 355 00:22:28,359 --> 00:22:31,359 Speaker 1: do you want to know how my number five news 356 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:36,840 Speaker 1: story of all time ended? Nonsense? It took me a 357 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:38,879 Speaker 1: long time to think of who would want to frame 358 00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:41,960 Speaker 1: me with that glove, and then it hit me. The 359 00:22:42,119 --> 00:22:45,000 Speaker 1: night before Chitter Chatter, the spider Monkey had been stolen 360 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:47,280 Speaker 1: from the zoo. I had been out drinking with some 361 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,720 Speaker 1: of the news crew, just a regular night out of 362 00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:52,159 Speaker 1: the town with some of the boys, but at some 363 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:56,840 Speaker 1: point someone blurted out something like, let's break into the zoo. Well, 364 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:59,800 Speaker 1: sure enough, we broke into the zoo, about eight of us, 365 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:02,000 Speaker 1: and I guess I was just showing off a bit, 366 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:05,320 Speaker 1: but I decided to steal that spider monkey for myself. 367 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,960 Speaker 1: I had always wanted a spider monkey, but getting one 368 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,360 Speaker 1: was illegal. So I figured I would just steal one. 369 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:16,399 Speaker 1: So you stole chitter Chatter? Yes, yes I did. I 370 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:19,159 Speaker 1: was the first to report he was missing, and I 371 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,679 Speaker 1: was the first to report he was returned because I 372 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,080 Speaker 1: had him in the trunk of my car the whole time. 373 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,480 Speaker 1: Not only did I report the news for that story, 374 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:32,400 Speaker 1: I was the news. How about that? And that's why 375 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:36,040 Speaker 1: the theft of chitter Chatter comes in at number five 376 00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:43,920 Speaker 1: on my all time Greatest news Stories I've ever covered. Amazing, right, um, yes, amazing, 377 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:47,080 Speaker 1: coming in at number four, Ron, We're at a Time. 378 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:57,320 Speaker 1: The Ron Burgundy Podcast is a production of I Heart Radio. 379 00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:02,879 Speaker 1: I'm Ron Burgundy. Host, writer at executive producer. Carolina Barlow 380 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:06,760 Speaker 1: is my co host, writer and producer. Our producer is 381 00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:11,640 Speaker 1: Nick Stone. Our talent coordinator is Anna Hosnier. Writers are 382 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:15,879 Speaker 1: Andrew Steele and Jake fogo Best. This episode was engineered, mixed, 383 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:19,399 Speaker 1: and edited by Nick Stone. Until next time, This is 384 00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:28,080 Speaker 1: Ron Burgundy.