Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Yow hey, you're gonna doubt your My name is John Stuart,
Speaker 2: unbelievable show.
Speaker 1: They're already exhausted from the olden. By the way, how
Speaker 1: was your weekend? My weekend was breaking. At this moment,
Speaker 1: Israel underfire from Iran.
Speaker 3: It's just raining rockets with those sirens blaring out.
Speaker 4: We do effectively have World War three in progress.
Speaker 5: Oh no, not world War three.
Speaker 6: I'm still writing a rock war on all my checks.
Speaker 6: But yes, the skies above Israel were lit up like I.
Speaker 1: Want to say Christmas tree, but that's probably not for
Speaker 1: that area.
Speaker 6: Menora is the moment society has dreaded since the arms cysts.
Speaker 1: Of nineteen forty five finally upon us.
Speaker 6: As Einstein said, he doesn't know what weapons World War
Speaker 6: II will be fought with, but he knows the next
Speaker 6: ones will be fought with sticks and stones. This is
Speaker 6: John Stewart's signing up. May God bless us and everyone
Speaker 6: and let future civilizations know that we could not overcome
Speaker 6: our fatal nature.
Speaker 3: In the end, there was almost no damage, as is.
Speaker 6: The US and other rallies shot down ninety nine percent
Speaker 6: of Iran's missiles and drones. Huh wasn't World worth three?
Speaker 1: I certainly regret doing this.
Speaker 6: Oh boy, moment of panic and I guess sort of
Speaker 6: a primitive instinct.
Speaker 1: But is that me did I art garful?
Speaker 6: But kudos to the United States and to Israel. It
Speaker 6: shows just how effective a military defense system can be.
Speaker 6: When you funnel American dollars away from healthcare and education.
Speaker 1: It really helps to build the And the best part
Speaker 1: is we did it with no help.
Speaker 6: The two amigos, surrounded by hostile Arab nations united in
Speaker 6: their zeal to destroy Israel.
Speaker 7: Jordan's air force also intercepted and shot down dozens of
Speaker 7: drones that violated its airspace and were on their way
Speaker 7: to Israel.
Speaker 6: Now learned that Saudi Arabia and the UAE provided real
Speaker 6: time intelligence that helped track the incoming missiles. What are
Speaker 6: the teams in these wars? I don't even know the
Speaker 6: teams anymore. The Arab countries are helping Israel. I don't
Speaker 6: know what the teams are. We need to sort this
Speaker 6: out with jerseys or something, because Iran could attack at
Speaker 6: any moment.
Speaker 8: In a statement, Iran said it now considers the matter concluded.
Speaker 1: Hey, do you hear that we're good.
Speaker 3: We're good.
Speaker 1: We don't. By the way, he was delicious. Really, that's
Speaker 1: what got anyway, We're gonna be okay.
Speaker 9: Israel has vowed it will respond to Iran.
Speaker 1: All right, Can I have a word with you Middle East?
Speaker 1: Over here?
Speaker 6: Ah shaloma lekam trying.
Speaker 1: To cover all bases.
Speaker 6: Listen, I hope this doesn't sound patronizing, but when we
Speaker 6: in the West drew your region's borders and set you
Speaker 6: up with perfectly functioning dictatorships.
Speaker 1: We expected a little better. See.
Speaker 6: The agreement was we would make up a whole new
Speaker 6: bunch of countries, some of which made sense, and in return,
Speaker 6: you would give us your delicious oil.
Speaker 1: That was the deal.
Speaker 6: You give us your delicious oil, and we take it.
Speaker 6: We certainly didn't expect to get drawn into all the
Speaker 6: drama that are that our actions created, and now these
Speaker 6: wars have got us all turned around. At one point,
Speaker 6: we're helping a rock fight Iran, and then we're invading
Speaker 6: a Rock, and now we're helping Iron fight Isis, and
Speaker 6: then we're using Isis to help fight Huthis that are
Speaker 6: backed by Iran. I mean, you know, in Gaza, we're
Speaker 6: actually bombing them and feeding them.
Speaker 3: How do you think that makes it feel?
Speaker 1: Oh? Oh, oh, did you have a nice sandwich?
Speaker 10: Run?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 3: And apparently now.
Speaker 1: There's two kinds of Islam.
Speaker 6: I mean, you could have told us that before we
Speaker 6: got into this. As I said earlier, arbitrarily jerrymandered your homeland.
Speaker 1: So do better keep that oil coming the way.
Speaker 6: We got enough trouble keeping track of our own wars.
Speaker 6: Like this weekend, our former president and illustrious historian Donald J.
Speaker 6: Trump spoke near one of America's most hallowed battlefields. And
Speaker 6: if you thought Lincoln consecrated Gettysburg with his soaring rhetoric.
Speaker 3: Well buckle up Gettysburg.
Speaker 10: What an unbelievable battle. That was the Battle of Gettysburg.
Speaker 3: What an unbelievable I.
Speaker 10: Mean, it was so much and so interesting, and so
Speaker 10: vicious and horrible and so beautiful in so many different ways.
Speaker 10: It represented such a big portion of the success of
Speaker 10: this country. Getty's greg Wow.
Speaker 6: That is plagiarized almost directly from my seventh grade book
Speaker 6: report Gettysburg.
Speaker 1: Wow, I did not have on my own.
Speaker 6: It was vicious and horrible and beautiful. Is he talking
Speaker 6: about a Civil war battle or a horse giving birth?
Speaker 6: It was bloody, but it's life now.
Speaker 1: Obviously not a Civil War buff like but unlike me.
Speaker 1: He even knows all the famous quotes.
Speaker 10: I go to get his break Pennsylvania, to look and
Speaker 10: to watch and the statement of Roberty Lee, who's no
Speaker 10: longer in favor? Did you ever notice that no longer
Speaker 10: in favor? Never fight uphill, me boys, Never fight uphill.
Speaker 10: They were fighting uphill. He said, Wow, that was a
Speaker 10: big mistake. He lost his great general and they were fighting.
Speaker 10: Never fight uphill me boys.
Speaker 1: It is.
Speaker 6: It is true the North did have the higher ground,
Speaker 6: but I'm pretty sure that Robert E. Lee was not
Speaker 6: a leprechaun. I never fight uphill, me byes. That's not
Speaker 6: how to take back the Narth's potty lord. You can't
Speaker 6: be fighting up here me byes. Also a minor point,
Speaker 6: but I'm pretty sure Robert Lee would not have told
Speaker 6: them never fight up hill, since he's the one who
Speaker 6: told them to fight up hill. He wasn't like, you know,
Speaker 6: they go up the hill. I'm gonna be so mad
Speaker 6: if they do that. They go up the hill. Long
Speaker 6: Street actually told them they'll go up the hill. That
Speaker 6: Roberty Lee said.
Speaker 1: Me byes will do what they want.
Speaker 6: Although, to be fair to former President Donald Trump, he
Speaker 6: does have a lot on his mind right now.
Speaker 11: Out of breaking news, the first ever criminal trial involving
Speaker 11: a former president will soon get underweight.
Speaker 6: Oh my god, Donald, don't run up that hit me bye?
Speaker 2: Stay down, Stay down to hear me by, stay down.
Speaker 3: Yes.
Speaker 6: After years of anticipation, the first criminal trial of a
Speaker 6: former president has begun, and by all accounts, it is
Speaker 6: absolutely rivetting.
Speaker 7: Forty minutes ago, you wrote to an observation that I
Speaker 7: was very surprised Trump appears to be sleeping. His head
Speaker 7: keeps dropping down and his mouth goes slack.
Speaker 4: Tell us about.
Speaker 9: That, well, Jakie, if you're to be asleep, ay, jake,
Speaker 9: Well part a head down, ice closed, drool coming of
Speaker 9: his mouth.
Speaker 1: Do you not get over here? He snore it. He's
Speaker 1: doing the hun shoe, he's doing.
Speaker 6: The there's a piece of paper going up and down and.
Speaker 1: Up and down, and there's not He's just sleep.
Speaker 6: Imagine committing so many crimes you get bored at your
Speaker 6: own trial. Move on to the good stuff now in case,
Speaker 6: in case you've lost track, this is the trial where
Speaker 6: Trump allegedly paid hush money to an adult film star
Speaker 6: that he slept with and then allegedly falsified business records
Speaker 6: to cover it up.
Speaker 1: Or, as Trump would put.
Speaker 6: It, this is an elegical persecution.
Speaker 1: This is a persecution like never before.
Speaker 6: Nobody's ever seated a big like it.
Speaker 10: And again it's a case that should have never been brooked.
Speaker 3: It's to the soul character.
Speaker 10: And that's why I heard you're having to be here.
Speaker 1: Well, it's true.
Speaker 6: Trump is always very proud to be part of any
Speaker 6: assault on America. Look even oh words, yes, mister Stewart,
Speaker 6: we agree. Look, even if the prosecution is a bit
Speaker 6: of a stretch, it's not persecution.
Speaker 1: The guy's not Nelson Mandela or Jesus.
Speaker 10: I don't mind being Nelson Mandela because I'm doing it
Speaker 10: for a reason.
Speaker 8: Trump also shared two articles that compared him to Jesus Christ.
Speaker 8: One was titled quote the Crucifixion of Donald Trump.
Speaker 1: I don't let him crucify you me, boy.
Speaker 6: We had full team coverage out of the courthouse in
Speaker 6: Lower Manhattan today. Here with an update on which Martyr
Speaker 6: Trump more resembles Jesus or Nelson Mandela. It's Ronnie Chang
Speaker 6: and Asi Lida. I'm going to start with Ronnie Chang
Speaker 6: Jesus or Mendela.
Speaker 4: Clearly Mendela, all right, both are two heroes unjustly persecuted
Speaker 4: by a corrupt legal system. And as Mendela often said,
Speaker 4: and I quote, this is a witch hunt hoax. I've
Speaker 4: never even met horseface.
Speaker 11: I totally disagree. Ronnie Jesus Christ. He's obviously Jesus Christ.
Speaker 11: It's right there in the New Testament or in its sequel,
Speaker 11: The Art of the Deal, chapter ten, verse eight, and
Speaker 11: lo he evicted the rent controlled tenants, and it was
Speaker 11: good and tremendous and vicious and beautiful Jesus.
Speaker 3: Wow.
Speaker 4: Oh, hang on, hang on, just think about this second. Okay,
Speaker 4: Trump and Mendela they both had three wives, eh, Jesus.
Speaker 4: They even have a serious girlfriend. Okay, the guy had
Speaker 4: no Riz.
Speaker 1: I don't think Rizz is an approvate anyway.
Speaker 6: Mendela was in prison for twenty seven years, honey, Yes.
Speaker 4: But if you add up all the prison sentences Trump
Speaker 4: got for other people from January sixth and his campaign
Speaker 4: and his business, it's way more than twenty seven years. Okay,
Speaker 4: Trump is like ten Nelson mandelas.
Speaker 11: No, Ronnie Trump is Jesus. They both have a ton
Speaker 11: of buildings with their names on them, filled with portraits
Speaker 11: of themselves to be worshiped, and they both sold sneakers,
Speaker 11: gold sneakers.
Speaker 5: Hold On, hold on, I'm sorry to interrupt that this
Speaker 5: is ridiculous.
Speaker 1: Okay, Johnson, everybody.
Speaker 5: Trump is not Mandela or Jesus. Okay, we all know
Speaker 5: that Donald Trump is oj.
Speaker 6: H.
Speaker 1: I don't think that, did you say? OJ?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 5: John OJ Trump? They were both iconic celebrities in the eighties.
Speaker 5: Plus Donald J. Trump is the j for juice probably,
Speaker 5: but most importantly, their obvious guilt didn't deter their loyal fans,
Speaker 5: who either think they're innocent or don't care they're guilty.
Speaker 11: Jesus had loyal fans not like this.
Speaker 6: So if he's OJ, you're saying that whether or not
Speaker 6: Trump's slept with Stormy Daniels or paid Stormy Daniels hush money,
Speaker 6: it's not gonna matter. He's walking away a free man.
Speaker 5: Yes, And personally, I'm excited for the moment in the
Speaker 5: trial when Trump will drop his pants and say, if
Speaker 5: the glove don't fit, you must.
Speaker 6: Have quit.
Speaker 3: Y guilty and Josh, everybody, We've got so much to
Speaker 3: talk about tonight. Trump's got himself a real New York jury,
Speaker 3: red Lobsters and trouble Girl, and the newest Olympics b
Speaker 3: is gynecology. So let's get to that line. Let's begin
Speaker 3: let's sports, all right, It's now just one hundred days
Speaker 3: into the Summer Olympics. When we find out which are
Speaker 3: the world's athletes? Is most like a dolphin? So yesterday
Speaker 3: Nike unveiled the new Team USA uniforms, and one of
Speaker 3: the options for women's track and field is getting a
Speaker 3: lot of attention. Oh is this not getting your attention?
Speaker 3: Zoom in zoomn right, we got your attention. Now look
Speaker 3: at this. That doesn't even come into a mannequin's pussy
Speaker 3: and she ain't even got one. This outfit should not
Speaker 3: be for Team USA, Team Brazilian. Absolutely, And what is
Speaker 3: the point of this? Are they trying to distract the
Speaker 3: other competitors? Folks just slamming in aurs like, oh, I
Speaker 3: forgot to jump. I was looking at that vagina. Don't
Speaker 3: nobody want to see this? What we want to see
Speaker 3: is that man from Tonga put him up? I miss you.
Speaker 3: In other sports news, NBA player John tay Porter recently
Speaker 3: got caught gambling on his own team and even faking
Speaker 3: injuries to influence bets, and today the NBA banned him
Speaker 3: for life. It's the harshest punishment the NBA can hand down,
Speaker 3: besides making you play for the Detroit Pistons. I mean,
Speaker 3: I guess it's easier to fake an injury than to
Speaker 3: play better, but still, fixing games is an unacceptable thing
Speaker 3: for an NBA player to do. Now if it was
Speaker 3: the WNBA, I mean, listen, they are underpaid. You need
Speaker 3: a side hustle. You gotta do what you gotta do
Speaker 3: with this. Now. Moving on, if you're going on ad
Speaker 3: anniversary dinner, I got some news for you. Red Lobster
Speaker 3: is considering filing for bankruptcy, which is ironic because every
Speaker 3: customer in Red Lobster is already broke. Now. The report
Speaker 3: says it's because of expensive leases and labor costs, but
Speaker 3: you know who I blame. Men. That's right, y'all aren't
Speaker 3: living up to Beyoncey standards. Y'all. Not your woman good
Speaker 3: enough to earn that trip to Red Lobster. That's what happened.
Speaker 3: Your dick game is weak, and now an entire restaurant
Speaker 3: chain is going under should be ashamed of yourselves. But
Speaker 3: this doesn't affect me though. I get my seafood from
Speaker 3: the tank set an aquarium.
Speaker 1: Anyway.
Speaker 3: See, I'm dating this guy who gets into school again
Speaker 3: and cleans the glass. He brings me the best up.
Speaker 3: Have you ever had a luga? Well? Ooh, it's delicious.
Speaker 3: But go to the big story, the trial of Donald
Speaker 3: cell Block J. Trump and another edition of America's Most
Speaker 3: Tremendously Wanted. The whole thing is a scam. The courthouse
Speaker 3: is on break today, you know, because it's Wednesday. So
Speaker 3: when they let out yesterday, Trump celebrated with a little
Speaker 3: tour of New York's hotspots. New York City may be
Speaker 3: heavily democratic, but former President Trump campaigned there anyway. Tuesday,
Speaker 3: visiting a bodega after.
Speaker 5: Jury selection in his Manhattan hush money trial wrapped up
Speaker 5: for the day.
Speaker 1: Movie star, it's going to be a movie star? Huh?
Speaker 3: You are you kidding me? Donald Trump? You're gonna tell
Speaker 3: an immigrant father that his son should get into acting?
Speaker 3: What is wrong with you? As soon as you leave,
Speaker 3: the dad is gonna be like, don't you listening to
Speaker 3: that crazy man? You're taking this store over When I
Speaker 3: die By the way, if you're from New York, you
Speaker 3: know it killed all those guys. Have Trump standing there
Speaker 3: in the store wasting everyone's time. That owner was two
Speaker 3: seconds from being like, hey, Donald, buy something. I get
Speaker 3: the fuck out now, I will say. I mean, I'm
Speaker 3: surprised Trump didn't hit up the lotto machine while he
Speaker 3: was there. Dude, owes over five hundred million dollars in fines.
Speaker 3: Can you imagine owing so much money that you have
Speaker 3: to hit power Ball just to get back to zero. Now,
Speaker 3: as for the actual trial, this week is all about
Speaker 3: picking a jury. And it might seem impossible to find
Speaker 3: twelve New Yorkers with an unbiased opinion of Donald Trump,
Speaker 3: but they're actually making some progress.
Speaker 12: This morning, seven jurors are sworn in to hear the
Speaker 12: historic criminal case against Donald Trump. So far, there are
Speaker 12: three women and four men. The foeman's originally from Ireland
Speaker 12: and still has the accent.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, he better still have the accent. What's the
Speaker 3: point of telling me he's from Ireland if he doesn't
Speaker 3: have the accent. An Irishman with no accent is just
Speaker 3: a white dude in America. It's funny how the news
Speaker 3: can only point out someone's accent if they're white, you
Speaker 3: can be sure. Wolf Blitzer is never gonna be like
Speaker 3: he's originally from China and he still got the accent. No,
Speaker 3: Wolf Blitzer, You're gonna get cancer, friend, can so? And look,
Speaker 3: if you're gonna be found guilty, you want to hear
Speaker 3: it in an Irish accent. It's so pleasant and charming.
Speaker 3: He's like, looks like you're training in a pedigatus for
Speaker 3: some toilet wine. Me like, I don't know why we
Speaker 3: look for me to do an Irish accent. It sounds
Speaker 3: crazy anyway. Aside from Patty McGee, who else is on
Speaker 3: this jury.
Speaker 7: It's an interesting cross section of the kind of people
Speaker 7: in Manhattan. The jury of Donald Trump's peers.
Speaker 12: There's an oncology nurse who said no one is above
Speaker 12: the law. A teacher from a family of police officers
Speaker 12: said President Trump speaks his mind. That a grandfather from
Speaker 12: Puerto Rico who called Trump fascinating and mysterious.
Speaker 3: Fascinating and mysterious. He's not a Chanello fragrance. And this
Speaker 3: dude is the least mysterious person in life. He tells
Speaker 3: us everything he's thinking. I know the names of all
Speaker 3: the people he's at sex with I heard the details
Speaker 3: of what his penis looks like like the only mysterious
Speaker 3: thing about him is what animal they made his wig
Speaker 3: out of. For more on the jury selection, let's go
Speaker 3: live to the courthouse with Josh John Zay. So, Josh,
Speaker 3: what's the rest of the jury gonna look like?
Speaker 5: Well, ideally they'll end up with a jury that represents
Speaker 5: New York and they already have a nurse, a teacher,
Speaker 5: and a Puerto Rican So now they just need a
Speaker 5: white woman who calls herself a witch and feels bad
Speaker 5: about gentrifying but definitely isn't moving. I'm told they're also
Speaker 5: looking for a subway masturbator and someone with a history,
Speaker 5: someone with a history of being stabbed or stabbing, and
Speaker 5: to represent the views of Staten Island, they're looking for
Speaker 5: firemen or a racist. Raise is the guests who ideally
Speaker 5: everybody And of course they're definitely going to want a
Speaker 5: young black man who's nicely dressed, non threatening and standing
Speaker 5: outside the courthouse right now, Josh, are.
Speaker 3: You trying to get them the jury?
Speaker 10: No?
Speaker 5: I mean, if i'm called upon, that's my civic duty
Speaker 5: to sure, yes, yes, yes, I want to be on
Speaker 5: the jury.
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, Josh, Why no one wants jury duty. The
Speaker 3: only people who don't get out of jeury jewy are
Speaker 3: the ones who are stupid or hate their families.
Speaker 5: Jokes on you will say I don't have a family
Speaker 5: or stupid, Yo, what Look, The point is in this economy.
Speaker 5: The point is in this economy you need steady work,
Speaker 5: and being on a Trump trial is the steadiest work.
Speaker 5: This gig could last me for decades.
Speaker 3: It's forty dollars a day. You can't make a living
Speaker 3: off that.
Speaker 5: That's because you're not factoring in the potential bride money.
Speaker 5: I'm not leaving anything on the table. Look, look, Trump,
Speaker 5: are you looking? Look Trump, I'm talking to you.
Speaker 3: Trump.
Speaker 5: Look now, hey boy, woit boy, Look look at the TV. Now,
Speaker 5: for four hundred dollars, you walk free. For four point fifty,
Speaker 5: I'll put Stormy Daniels in jail. Okay, I don't even
Speaker 5: know if I can do that, but I'm gonna try.
Speaker 5: As long as I can walk out of that courtroom
Speaker 5: with a check and a mink coat.
Speaker 3: You can't pull off a meat coat. You're gonna look
Speaker 3: like a pre pubescent Kat Williams. So you don't care
Speaker 3: about this trial. You just want to be on the
Speaker 3: jury for selfish reasons.
Speaker 5: Yeah, obviously this thing's a cash cow. All these jurors
Speaker 5: are gonna get book deals, daytime TV appearances. At least
Speaker 5: one of them is gonna be on the mass singer
Speaker 5: and I think I have what it takes to be
Speaker 5: a sexy wombat.
Speaker 3: It's not easy money. Being part of a high profile
Speaker 3: trial is exhausted.
Speaker 5: Not this one. I can nap whenever Trump is napping.
Speaker 5: I'll dip my head when he dips his head. I'll
Speaker 5: bop up when he bops up. As long as we
Speaker 5: snore in rhythm, nobody will notice.
Speaker 3: Josh be serious. The leading presidential candidate is on trial.
Speaker 3: Isn't there a chance that he might finally face justice?
Speaker 3: Thanks justice at just shopping everybody else.
Speaker 7: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching.
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