Speaker 1: Flying Down and Michael and podcast. So we talked about
Speaker 1: pop cultures sometimes on the show, and our producer sent
Speaker 1: us a story um on Rommy Mallick and Rachel how
Speaker 1: do you say your last name? Bison? And at first
Speaker 1: I was like, what's the big deal here? You know, like, okay,
Speaker 1: she posted a picture of them and it was right
Speaker 1: before the Oscars, but so what was so? Explained the story?
Speaker 1: Rachel posted a picture of them from like years ago
Speaker 1: on a project they worked on. They worked on. It's
Speaker 1: just before the Oscars when Rommy won for Bohemian Rhapsody,
Speaker 1: and he had like an issue with it and didn't politely,
Speaker 1: but it was like take it down and had an
Speaker 1: issue with it? Was it like nice about or anything
Speaker 1: like that? And I was just like, why is this
Speaker 1: even being written about right because to you it felt
Speaker 1: what just pointless? It's okay he didn't like the picture
Speaker 1: she put one up, big deal? Like why why is
Speaker 1: this a story right now? You know what I mean? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I was kind of feeling the same way. But it
Speaker 1: was interesting because we were talking about it on the
Speaker 1: car today. He's like, hey, let's not bring up the
Speaker 1: Ramy story and I was like, well, something happened today
Speaker 1: at the nails salon while I was sitting there just
Speaker 1: like looking through Instagram and Twitter, and it kind of
Speaker 1: bothered me. And it reminds me of the Rami situation,
Speaker 1: and you're like, well, what was it? So my ex husband,
Speaker 1: because I guess he technically was a husband, um he
Speaker 1: So he tweeted out a picture of our wedding day
Speaker 1: and said I had to explain this photo to my son,
Speaker 1: to tell him that I'd been married three times and
Speaker 1: that his mother was the one that, um, you know,
Speaker 1: I should have ended up with. But he tags me
Speaker 1: in it, and I'm like why, Like first of all,
Speaker 1: like what are you? Why are you tagging me in it?
Speaker 1: And secondly, like we're friends, Like there's no like bad,
Speaker 1: like his his wife is my best friend, you know,
Speaker 1: like we've been great. But it kind of rubbed me
Speaker 1: wrong because I was just like, a don't want a
Speaker 1: photo of me technically on our wedding day, Like why
Speaker 1: are you posting a photo of our wedding day that's
Speaker 1: from the past, And like I don't I didn't want
Speaker 1: to see that photo on my Twitter, nor do I
Speaker 1: want and you're now you're tagging me in it. So
Speaker 1: I don't want other people to see that photo, Like, yeah,
Speaker 1: you can google it if you're like searching and you
Speaker 1: want to see it. But I necessarily like that, like
Speaker 1: it bothered me, and I think like people were so
Speaker 1: because I was even like, why would he ask her
Speaker 1: to take that down? That's so stupid. But then I'm like,
Speaker 1: because it's probably a picture that I mean, I haven't
Speaker 1: seen the photo. Was he did he look? It wasn't
Speaker 1: the most flattering picture he had some waiting his face,
Speaker 1: you know, it wasn't. It wasn't the most flattering picture
Speaker 1: of him. Now, so I feel like, you know, whether
Speaker 1: he looks he's look at, whether he was flattering the
Speaker 1: picture or not. Maybe that's the past memory, Like I
Speaker 1: don't personally, like a part of me wanted to. And
Speaker 1: I ended up texting John and saying because he started
Speaker 1: to continue commenting about like how it was a horrible
Speaker 1: day and nothing was real about it, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: can you be nice and not say mean things about
Speaker 1: me on Twitter? And he's like, it wasn't real, it was,
Speaker 1: And I'm like it was the first of all, it
Speaker 1: was so long ago, and why are you tagging me
Speaker 1: and dragging and so I'm like, I'm annoyed that it's
Speaker 1: still there. So part of me wants text and be like,
Speaker 1: can you take that down? Because why are you tagging me?
Speaker 1: What are you getting? Like, I don't, I don't understand.
Speaker 1: I know it's stupid because we just thought the rammy
Speaker 1: thing was stupid, but then it happens to me and
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I don't like it. I don't. I don't.
Speaker 1: I would never post a photo, nor would you were
Speaker 1: married of like an X of ours and say like, oh,
Speaker 1: like you know, I had to explain to Julian Jays
Speaker 1: I dated someone before, yeah, And I'm like and I
Speaker 1: would never like, yeah, okay, I would never post that,
Speaker 1: And I think it's okay for someone to say, hey,
Speaker 1: can you take that down? Like that bothers me like,
Speaker 1: so I don't I now understand Romy's thing like he's
Speaker 1: probably like he was just about to get nominated for Oscars.
Speaker 1: He probably didn't want this photo floating around because Rachel's
Speaker 1: of notoriety and she's known and well, of course the
Speaker 1: media outlet's going to take that photo and run with it,
Speaker 1: of course. So it's like, I wouldn't want that photo
Speaker 1: if I was him if if I don't feel flattering
Speaker 1: in that photo and it was, you know, I think
Speaker 1: we're the misstep on that was he should have at
Speaker 1: least thanked her after he took after she took it down.
Speaker 1: Like that's where you know, I'm like out of just politeness.
Speaker 1: Like if I was to ask John to take the
Speaker 1: photo down, I would say thank you, because I mean
Speaker 1: we're friends and everything. But should I ask him to
Speaker 1: take that down because it bothers me? I mean, I
Speaker 1: think you're within your rights, And it was until you
Speaker 1: told me that story earlier today, I didn't really painting
Speaker 1: mind to this whole Rachel and Rami thing. But then,
Speaker 1: you know, a lot of people, I'm sure that our
Speaker 1: listening can relate where it's like, you know, someone tagged
Speaker 1: you on a picture on Facebook or Instagram that you
Speaker 1: didn't like, and shoot, I even remember like in college
Speaker 1: and it's like, oh, don't tag me in that one.
Speaker 1: I look terrible in that right, And it's like you don't.
Speaker 1: And usually your friends of the goal sorry, you know,
Speaker 1: because they know they didn't look at you in the photo.
Speaker 1: I think it's funny though, because the only reason that
Speaker 1: this is a conversation yours. Yeah, you look beautiful in it,
Speaker 1: but it's it's I don't want to see that, right,
Speaker 1: But it's it's a picture that like there's no reason
Speaker 1: to be out there, but I will say I tagged me,
Speaker 1: but I got right. When I married his mother at
Speaker 1: Cremer at Cremer Going, I lasted a week we weren't meant.
Speaker 1: But for this photo and friendship, it's like, Okay, I
Speaker 1: get you, like call like we're friends, yes, but like
Speaker 1: I don't want to see that either, Nor do I
Speaker 1: want to see my dead dog who I loved so
Speaker 1: much in a wedding dress because you know, yeah, um,
Speaker 1: But I think it's funny unless it's a bad memory
Speaker 1: picture if the person looks good who was tagged in it,
Speaker 1: Like you know, all right, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: If someone posted like a smoking picture of you back
Speaker 1: in the day and there's no bad memory around it,
Speaker 1: You're like, alright, there's someone post a terrible picture of you.
Speaker 1: You like, take that down, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: So I think it's just funny because that's how it
Speaker 1: would be if if Ramy looked like himself in that
Speaker 1: picture that Rachel posted, Like if there is like no change,
Speaker 1: would you have an issue with it. Probably not, And
Speaker 1: I just I think it's okay though, regardless of like
Speaker 1: for him to ask, Yeah, for sure. I think the
Speaker 1: whole the bad press around it was like, you know,
Speaker 1: he wasn't the nicest about it, or it wasn't you know,
Speaker 1: thankful afterwards. Who knows how many times that story has
Speaker 1: been filtered until it got to us. But um still,
Speaker 1: I mean, like you said, comparing to your situation, it
Speaker 1: made more sense to me, Well, it was. Yeah, it
Speaker 1: was just one of those things where I was like,
Speaker 1: it was just the timing of it was so strange
Speaker 1: because I'm just scrolling on Twitter and I'm like, uh,
Speaker 1: what very interesting. I don't want to see this photo
Speaker 1: And why are you tagging me in it? For me
Speaker 1: to see this photo? Are you gonna ask him to
Speaker 1: take it down? It bothers me then ask him to
Speaker 1: take it down and just be like, look, I know
Speaker 1: what you're trying to share. I know you're trying to
Speaker 1: share the fact that you had to tell your son. Honestly,
Speaker 1: can I just say stop? I'm gonna stop right there,
Speaker 1: because if that was it, I would have no problem
Speaker 1: with it. It was how he was commenting in the
Speaker 1: threats like there was nothing good about that day and
Speaker 1: you know, nope, wor stay it's like those things. I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: can you like I get it wasn't like, you know not,
Speaker 1: you know, we ended up breaking up a week later.
Speaker 1: But you don't have to comment so negatively if that
Speaker 1: unless that's your purpose of them posting it, because that
Speaker 1: then that changes for me. Does that make sense? Yeah,
Speaker 1: But at the same time, he could easily post that
Speaker 1: without posting a picture. You'd be like, Oh, my seven
Speaker 1: year old came to me and, you know, asked me
Speaker 1: about some wedding photos from previous marriages and unexplained to me,
Speaker 1: And where did a seven year old find a photo
Speaker 1: of our wedding? Right? Why is that anywhere in their house? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Probably isn't. Well, no, I'm probably googled it or something.
Speaker 1: And and then you know, maybe maybe he was with
Speaker 1: his dad, you know, John, and they were googling. I
Speaker 1: don't know, but yeah, but I just it can be
Speaker 1: done without the picture, and especially the negative comments said.
Speaker 1: If it was just the picture and the kind of
Speaker 1: like the thought behind it, I would say, okay, you
Speaker 1: know whatever, fine, I'll get over it. But then it's
Speaker 1: the negative comments in there that I'm like, you say,
Speaker 1: we're a friend, but then you're just saying how awful
Speaker 1: it was, so that's now not nice. Let me ask
Speaker 1: you this. I think this will answer the question for
Speaker 1: you whether or not you should say something. What would
Speaker 1: your therapist say to do exactly, Mike Drop, do you
Speaker 1: know what she would say? What do you think Amy
Speaker 1: would say? Amy? And any therapist pretty much would say.
Speaker 1: I would ask you about it, why it bothers you
Speaker 1: and say, well, it clearly bothers you, and don't suppress
Speaker 1: your feelings because of someone else. Speak maturely from a
Speaker 1: good place and share how it makes you feel, and
Speaker 1: that you politely request for them to take you down,
Speaker 1: and what about it hurt you? Right, but it doesn't
Speaker 1: hurt me. It just it bothers me, Like I just
Speaker 1: I'm I'm annoyed by it because of the stuff that
Speaker 1: comes after the photo to like the negative comments, right,
Speaker 1: And if you don't address it now, then next time
Speaker 1: you see him or around them, you might find yourself
Speaker 1: to be short and annoyed frustrated with them because you
Speaker 1: never addressed it, and it will remind you being like
Speaker 1: how you post that picture, it's such a dick move. Hm,
Speaker 1: you know, so you're just avoiding resentment bye wow, honey
Speaker 1: therapy with my Yeah, I don't know. I'll think about it.
Speaker 1: I just I don't I don't even know if he
Speaker 1: would understand. So it's sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's easier
Speaker 1: for me just to let things go because sometimes I
Speaker 1: don't think that they would understand. Other people would understand
Speaker 1: for sure the other side of it, um, and even
Speaker 1: if he doesn't, that's his work, right. Well, that's like,
Speaker 1: you know, when we were having the text comvo, because
Speaker 1: I was like, be nice, like that's not very ice
Speaker 1: he and he was just like it was an awful
Speaker 1: Like you know, I'm like, okay, it was all a lie.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, well, and this is kind of where
Speaker 1: it goes back. And I thought all the work that
Speaker 1: I've done and I'm not trying to toot my own horn,
Speaker 1: but like we could have said our wedding day was
Speaker 1: a lie, but it was still my experience was not
Speaker 1: a lie. So that's where I wanted to be like, well,
Speaker 1: your experience, that is a big testament to your work
Speaker 1: because early on and you said everything was a lie. Yeah,
Speaker 1: for sure. And so it's like for him to say that,
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, that's like, that's actually not accurate because eventually,
Speaker 1: but that day wasn't. It's not just because something, you know,
Speaker 1: we broke up. It doesn't mean that it's a lie
Speaker 1: or it's so it's like I I but then I realized,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I've done that work. I can't tell someone
Speaker 1: else that work because they don't They're not going to
Speaker 1: recognize that. Now, Oh it sales. You've always said you
Speaker 1: want me to be more jealous. I could be a
Speaker 1: jealous boyfriend and go kick down his door. Look, you
Speaker 1: and John are friends. That's like. Look, John, I just
Speaker 1: like the thought of like posting about any x or
Speaker 1: you know, in putting them. I I just would never
Speaker 1: do that. I don't under I don't understand. But more
Speaker 1: of the story, if someone does something to bother you,
Speaker 1: it's your job. You're responsible for your feelings and to
Speaker 1: express them to somebody. Don't be afraid to do that,
Speaker 1: whether it's Jan in this situation or someone else listening,
Speaker 1: or me or Eastern or Hannah or Becky O'Riley. I
Speaker 1: just got the whole team money. No, it's a good point, um,
Speaker 1: all right, let's take a break and let's talk about
Speaker 1: something else. So we have a money gur guru coming on,
Speaker 1: Lynn Richardson. She's a boss when it comes to everything money.
Speaker 1: I mean, she's got so many books on pretty much
Speaker 1: any financial topic you can talk about. So I'm really
Speaker 1: excited to get her, get her on and pick her
Speaker 1: brain about a few things that you and I are
Speaker 1: dealing with financially and just obstacles people face. Yeah, because
Speaker 1: I think it's interesting because you know, money is one
Speaker 1: of those top three divorce It's an argument every single
Speaker 1: relationship ever. And it's crazy. Because I was talking to
Speaker 1: my therapist Amy and I was telling her, you know,
Speaker 1: because that is one of our biggest I would say,
Speaker 1: our biggest current fight. We have the underlying resentment on
Speaker 1: a on a Yeah, the biggest underlying regular basis yea.
Speaker 1: And I told her. I was like, and I've always
Speaker 1: because you know, people listen to this podcast, I'm the
Speaker 1: I you know, I don't spend as much. I'm a
Speaker 1: little more frugal. Mike spends more money. And I said,
Speaker 1: I had this insane like breakthrough of why I'm that way,
Speaker 1: And it was when we had that conversation on the
Speaker 1: couch that night when we were doing Intentional Night, and
Speaker 1: I was like, I didn't even realize, like that's where
Speaker 1: it was coming from. And it like, I mean, even
Speaker 1: like thinking about it makes me kind of like teiod
Speaker 1: because I didn't even know the weight that it held,
Speaker 1: Like with all the work that I've done, I had
Speaker 1: no idea that that was the weight. But Mike and
Speaker 1: I were, you know, we were having our intentional night
Speaker 1: and we were talking and we were I was coming
Speaker 1: from a very good place about some money issues. Um
Speaker 1: that was fight that we were fighting about, and um,
Speaker 1: sometimes you gotta circle back when you're not angry so
Speaker 1: that they go well. And I felt like I was
Speaker 1: at a good place and a good time to do it.
Speaker 1: And when I started talking about it, I started saying,
Speaker 1: how it's just like came out. It wasn't it was
Speaker 1: like a total just like it did a moment where
Speaker 1: I started to realize that when I started saying it, yeah,
Speaker 1: it wasn't even like a planed out thing. It was
Speaker 1: just diary of the mouth in terms of just raw
Speaker 1: emotional and introspective thoughts coming through your brain. And it did.
Speaker 1: It clicked for both of us. Yeah, whereas you know
Speaker 1: for me when like why I'm a little bit more
Speaker 1: frugal is when I was kind of doing these examples,
Speaker 1: I said, you know, now, your parents weren't rich by
Speaker 1: any means, but your parents had money. I never had
Speaker 1: to give up something for money. Yeah, and so as
Speaker 1: as a kid, Yeah, so it's like if you wanted
Speaker 1: to go on a spring break, you got to go
Speaker 1: if you had to pay for that myself. But but
Speaker 1: I mean they would always help. Yeah, yeah, like, yeah,
Speaker 1: there wasn't much I lost out on inexperience situations as
Speaker 1: a kid. If you wanted to play a sport, they financially,
Speaker 1: We're there for you in in in almost every aspect
Speaker 1: of your life. And when I started talking about it,
Speaker 1: I had to And this is what clicked for me
Speaker 1: is I had to give up the one thing that
Speaker 1: I loved the most because my parents got divorced and
Speaker 1: we couldn't afford it. And when I said that, it
Speaker 1: was like the biggest like ah ha moment for me
Speaker 1: because I was like, oh my god. I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm so terrified of not having money because I don't
Speaker 1: want to have to ever have my kids not be
Speaker 1: able to do something because we can't afford it or
Speaker 1: give something up or lose something again, because figure skating
Speaker 1: was everything to me. It was everything. I mean, I lived,
Speaker 1: breathed everything. I was in the senior program, all of it,
Speaker 1: and I had to give it up because we couldn't
Speaker 1: afford it, and it was it was awful. And so
Speaker 1: now I think I just and then I you know,
Speaker 1: I worked, and I tried to My mom tried to
Speaker 1: work three jobs. I saw her hustle and you know
Speaker 1: what she was trying to do. But eventually I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: this is just not working for everybody, and you're stretched
Speaker 1: up thin, and you know, I was working, and but
Speaker 1: it just it was such an aha moment. And I think,
Speaker 1: I'm just so scared because I've never had money before,
Speaker 1: Like I've never even in my early twenties. You know,
Speaker 1: I was scraping. I was like my therapist calls me
Speaker 1: a scrapper. Like I was like, I'll find a way,
Speaker 1: but like the electricity is getting shut off today, No,
Speaker 1: it really did, you know. And that's what I don't
Speaker 1: know if I've mentioned on here before or not, but
Speaker 1: you know, our first breakthrough kind of understand each other
Speaker 1: financially was not too long ago a couple of months
Speaker 1: ago where I kind of connected the doubts for you,
Speaker 1: where like you're just saying in your early twenties, you're scrapping, clawing,
Speaker 1: your power is getting shut off, you're in l a
Speaker 1: just like trying to make things work. I was like,
Speaker 1: how to pay for another overture a fee? I don't understand.
Speaker 1: How's this whole bank thing? Like, don't get it. I'm
Speaker 1: like a negative. And then you know, my twenties, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm making you know, more money than my parents.
Speaker 1: I'm making a lot of money. I'm doing well. So
Speaker 1: the value of a dollar is significantly different from me
Speaker 1: than it is other people around me and other people
Speaker 1: in my age range. So you know, and that's when
Speaker 1: you start to become, right, an adult is in your
Speaker 1: twenties and kind of figure out what you're doing and
Speaker 1: where you're going to who you are. And so that's
Speaker 1: my initial thing of adulthood, right, It's like I got
Speaker 1: all this money, I'm value of a dollar is just
Speaker 1: like nothing. So that's the first connection of dots that
Speaker 1: Jan and I had to kind of understand each other
Speaker 1: a little bit more like, Okay, when I was ball
Speaker 1: and doing well, Jenna was struggling, so I can definitely
Speaker 1: see how being tighted with money and vice versa. And
Speaker 1: then the second biggest one was that when you're just
Speaker 1: talking about like two weeks ago or a week ago,
Speaker 1: where when she said it too it hit me. I
Speaker 1: was like damn. I was like she had to give
Speaker 1: up something, and like we're saying, I've never had to
Speaker 1: give up or make that kind of sacrifice due to
Speaker 1: financial situations. My parents are middle class, you know, hard
Speaker 1: hat lunch period, working people, punching the clock, but they
Speaker 1: always provided together, so my sister and I could partake
Speaker 1: in those activities. So then me referring back to a
Speaker 1: child self being like, holy, I can imagine being a
Speaker 1: kid and having to do that and how much that
Speaker 1: would traumatize me around money. So it's just like over
Speaker 1: the past like two months, I think connecting those dots
Speaker 1: for both of us is just going to help us
Speaker 1: moving forward with financial talks, because I think there's just
Speaker 1: so much underlying resentment when one does you know, more
Speaker 1: on more spending, one does it. But here's the problem
Speaker 1: to know, I was actually talking a lot of stuff
Speaker 1: happened at the nail salon today. Okay, I was talking
Speaker 1: to my friend Catherine, and I was like, where you
Speaker 1: get frustrated with me, is like, I'll spend whatever on
Speaker 1: the kids and a family vacation. But and he's like,
Speaker 1: but then why can't I get this. I'm like, because
Speaker 1: this is for the family, and he's just like, but
Speaker 1: like that's five times more. I'm like, but it's for
Speaker 1: the family, like so I but also because as a child,
Speaker 1: I didn't get those things. So that's another part of
Speaker 1: my childhood wounds. And I'm like, I want my kids
Speaker 1: to have I don't want my kids to ever miss
Speaker 1: a springbreak. Like I had to miss the big cruise
Speaker 1: because my parents couldn't afford, you know, to send me
Speaker 1: on where all my friends went, you know, so I
Speaker 1: never got to go on a spring break minus the
Speaker 1: one where my mom drove us down to Florida in
Speaker 1: a car because I was like, I can't go because
Speaker 1: all my friends are going to like tropical this and cruises.
Speaker 1: And even my one friend was like, Lisa, She's like,
Speaker 1: my my mom said that we can pay for half
Speaker 1: of it for you. And it's like I felt like
Speaker 1: a you know, I was like, man, I was just like,
Speaker 1: it sucks, but you know, obviously I said no and
Speaker 1: I didn't go, but it was just, you know, that's
Speaker 1: why I'm like, I want to give my kids everything,
Speaker 1: but I can't justify you spending money on a gun
Speaker 1: your fifteenth gud. I'm like, what's the point, Like, I'd
Speaker 1: rather you're like, this is like way more you're so,
Speaker 1: you know, I hope you can see that the pieces
Speaker 1: like it's for the kids. I'll never spend it on myself.
Speaker 1: You have to force me, like you literally forced me
Speaker 1: to buy things for you. But I will say too
Speaker 1: because a lot of people are like, you're so out
Speaker 1: of touch, and you know, we know how grateful we are.
Speaker 1: But I think every relationship has money issues. Every relationship does.
Speaker 1: And you know it's funny too because once you have
Speaker 1: an amount, you're always gonna want to beat that amount
Speaker 1: and then you're scared and so there there's it's just
Speaker 1: it's just scary. But again, I'm not complaining. We're very
Speaker 1: We're we're healthy, but not healthy and financially in our relationship. No.
Speaker 1: And that's the thing. It's like, we're not sitting here
Speaker 1: complaining about money that we have or don't have. We're
Speaker 1: just talking about how we view it differently, the importance
Speaker 1: of you know, where we value it and where we
Speaker 1: don't or whatever. So whether you're fighting about a hundred
Speaker 1: dollars or ten million dollars, it doesn't matter because it's
Speaker 1: still just two people with possibly two different core beliefs
Speaker 1: or triggers or traumas or whatever around money that you
Speaker 1: just have to navigate it and it is. That's why
Speaker 1: it's one of the top reasons for the divorce and
Speaker 1: just issues in relationships in general. Well, I'm excited to
Speaker 1: get her on, So let's take a break and let's
Speaker 1: pop her in the chat room. All right, Lynn, So
Speaker 1: we're super pumped to have you on the show. Uh.
Speaker 1: You know, I feel like we're talking earlier in the
Speaker 1: show about how money is probably our biggest um. It
Speaker 1: was common argument, most common argument in our relationship. It's
Speaker 1: probably been that way for the last year two It's
Speaker 1: always kind of been there though, Like this underlying resentment
Speaker 1: kind of thing. Do you what, what is it to you? Like,
Speaker 1: why do you think that's so common in marriages? Because
Speaker 1: I feel like that's one of the big reasons for
Speaker 1: divorce too. Yeah, So who's resentful? I need to understand
Speaker 1: the dynamics a little bit better because there could be
Speaker 1: all kinds of reasons. So who's resentful? Because that that's
Speaker 1: a that's a strong but it's it's an honest word,
Speaker 1: and I'm glad to hear it. I think honestly, we
Speaker 1: both are. I mean, I think it's right. So let's
Speaker 1: just take each person. Tell me why you're resentful? What
Speaker 1: are you resentful about? What's happened? Well, I don't know
Speaker 1: if i've I think I'm more resentful that she's resentful.
Speaker 1: I think it's okay, because let's start. Let's start with
Speaker 1: the with the one who kicked off the resentment. Let's
Speaker 1: start there and then because I want to work my
Speaker 1: way from the beginning and then come back around. Okay,
Speaker 1: So I want to say this like politely too, like
Speaker 1: I want I feel like I have to easy stuff
Speaker 1: to be honest. No, it's okay, because we we can't.
Speaker 1: You can't heal what you hide. And money is a huge,
Speaker 1: big old deal, but really it's not that much. But
Speaker 1: it's what we say, it's what we actually are honest about,
Speaker 1: and it's usually the it's the gritty stuff. So so yeah,
Speaker 1: just go on and share. Well, I think I First
Speaker 1: of all, I appreciate what you can't what you hide,
Speaker 1: you can't heal. I love that. That's beautiful. Um. I
Speaker 1: think what's why it's hard for me is because I
Speaker 1: know when I say like I'm the breadwinner, that how
Speaker 1: that translates for a mail and what that makes him feel. Um.
Speaker 1: So because I make more of the money, I get
Speaker 1: resentful because he spends more of the money than I do.
Speaker 1: And so it's frustrating for me when I feel like
Speaker 1: I'm working my butt off that he's not caring about
Speaker 1: the number or the dollar amount that he's spending. And
Speaker 1: so we started to do like a uh, okay, you
Speaker 1: can't spend. Let's let's keep our spending under this each month,
Speaker 1: and or we're gonna do like a no spend January, right,
Speaker 1: so just to see kind of like where we're at
Speaker 1: what we could do because I feel he gets where
Speaker 1: I feel like he gets resentful of me, is if
Speaker 1: because he feels he can't spend anything, or he feels
Speaker 1: like I'm being his mom and I'm controlling him. But
Speaker 1: really I'm just so scared because I just see these purchases,
Speaker 1: So I get resentful of that, and I'm like do
Speaker 1: you not know where it's coming from and how hard
Speaker 1: I'm working? And and so there's been things in our
Speaker 1: marriage where the dollar amount I was just like, how
Speaker 1: could you spend this much on video games or the
Speaker 1: apps on the phones and the guns, and so it's
Speaker 1: just over time, it makes me feel like I feel disrespected.
Speaker 1: And so you know, then we kind of got this
Speaker 1: dollar amount, like Okay, let's not spend more than five
Speaker 1: in a month, or let's do no spend January. And
Speaker 1: when he doesn't follow that, I feel very disrespected because
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not spending the money, but yet you're
Speaker 1: not living up to what we agreed on. And we
Speaker 1: had a bad therapy session about it, and he's just like,
Speaker 1: does it doesn't even matter. I'm like, it does matter.
Speaker 1: Like we said we we made it an agreement to
Speaker 1: not spend anything, and then you just bought a watch
Speaker 1: and and so I start to carry this resentment and
Speaker 1: this like I like distressing. I feel disrespected in a
Speaker 1: way understood. So, Mike, why do you step outside of
Speaker 1: the boundaries of what you agree to? Tell me what
Speaker 1: happens when you make those decisions? Um for me? You know,
Speaker 1: the trend of things kind of the way I receive
Speaker 1: it is when things are good, like between us, it's
Speaker 1: our money and Mike, you make enough doing the podcast, Mike,
Speaker 1: you make enough with writing the book, and you made
Speaker 1: enough doing this and that. And then when some money
Speaker 1: has spend or we have to spend a lot on something,
Speaker 1: that's her money. And so it's like, tell me what
Speaker 1: you mean when we have to spend because and again
Speaker 1: I'm not I'm impartial here, but when you say we,
Speaker 1: are you actually talking about what we have to spend?
Speaker 1: Are you talking about what you want to spend? Both?
Speaker 1: There's times where if I spend money or if we
Speaker 1: did it was just Christmas, and we as a family
Speaker 1: spend a lot of money. It's like who are the
Speaker 1: Christmas presents for each other? The family? Who who's in
Speaker 1: the family? Our kids? We have two kids, and how
Speaker 1: old are the kids? We have a five year old
Speaker 1: little girl and a two year old little boy. Okay,
Speaker 1: and and me and me kind of where we I
Speaker 1: said we'd kind of disagree to is I'll spend because
Speaker 1: I didn't have that growing up. I will do whatever
Speaker 1: for my kids and spend now to in an extent,
Speaker 1: but like I will do a family vacation and like,
Speaker 1: I got it. Yeah, let me get back to Mike
Speaker 1: go for a second. So so Mike, so, Janna's kind
Speaker 1: of shared that she'll do whatever for the kids. So
Speaker 1: I know what that is. I've been there, done that,
Speaker 1: three kids Christmas toys from the front of the house
Speaker 1: to the back of the house. And then I want
Speaker 1: to set boundaries when I think it's time to set boundaries. So,
Speaker 1: but you're spending tell me what you're spending money on, Mike,
Speaker 1: tell me, just give me the things that you want
Speaker 1: to spend money on, and how you feel about what
Speaker 1: seems like there may be some restrictions or boundaries that
Speaker 1: you step outside of what what it seems like to me.
Speaker 1: And in the past, it's like even when we said, hey,
Speaker 1: any purchase over five hundred, let's discuss with one another. Okay,
Speaker 1: There's even been something that I paid for that was
Speaker 1: under five hundred and I still received some pushback from it.
Speaker 1: And so it's like, no matter what I spend it on,
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm always questioned or challenged and more
Speaker 1: just out of it's not out of I don't receive
Speaker 1: it as curiosity. I received it as being challenged and understood.
Speaker 1: And give me an example of something that you spent
Speaker 1: under five dred dollars that then you received pushback for
Speaker 1: just one one of the things that you've spent under
Speaker 1: five hundred dollars. One thing would be we have a
Speaker 1: monthly fee of two hundred fifty to three hundred dollars
Speaker 1: for a golf club that I belonged to here in Nashville,
Speaker 1: and I've gotten pushedback on that, like we're spending two
Speaker 1: hundred fifty a month, Like that's a lot of money
Speaker 1: and you're not even using it right now, And ask
Speaker 1: him how many times he used it last year? Give
Speaker 1: me a second. Yeah, all seriously, that's my exact point.
Speaker 1: Though it's like that's that's not that's not fair because
Speaker 1: it's not right to judge because everybody has their own.
Speaker 1: But trust me, I'm getting there, So, Mike, so you
Speaker 1: have to give me an example, Give me four or
Speaker 1: five examples of things that you spend money on that
Speaker 1: you get pushed back for. Um, you know, I do
Speaker 1: admittedly know that, you know, I have more hobbies than
Speaker 1: most people might might in their lifetime and it and
Speaker 1: for me, it's kind of a addiction recovery thing too.
Speaker 1: It's like my outer circle stuff that kind of makes
Speaker 1: me hold that that keeps my mind busy on healthier things,
Speaker 1: and I like to tinker. I'll go down the rabbit
Speaker 1: hole on things. So whether it's stuff for uh, you know,
Speaker 1: road cycling or firearms that I'm into or whatever thing,
Speaker 1: I understand, things do add up, and I don't know.
Speaker 1: There's just like this stress around it where I feel like,
Speaker 1: even if I were to bring it up, Hey, I'm
Speaker 1: thinking about doing this, I'll get up. Really you have
Speaker 1: to get that or so, so let me ask you this.
Speaker 1: You have a daughter, all right, So what if you
Speaker 1: were talking to your daughter about this situation if she
Speaker 1: was the and and I'm not making a judgment one
Speaker 1: way or the other, but if your daughter was a
Speaker 1: breadwinner and she had a husband who coming out of addiction,
Speaker 1: praise God for that. That's good. But you've you've admitted
Speaker 1: that you'll go down a rabbit hole. It's a rabbit
Speaker 1: hole a good thing at times, it is. At times
Speaker 1: it's admittedly it's like no, because it will consume me
Speaker 1: and I'll just get so. Let me be more specific.
Speaker 1: Is spending money that is not necessarily in the best
Speaker 1: interests of your long term goal. So long term goals
Speaker 1: are our our health, wellness, financial well being, stacking your money.
Speaker 1: When you go in the rabbit hole and spend money,
Speaker 1: do you think that that is a good thing for
Speaker 1: your family? And would you recommend it for your daughter
Speaker 1: if she were in a similar situation with a husband
Speaker 1: like you. Um hmm, husband like me. Uh, you wouldn't.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna help you out there, you wouldn't. So here's
Speaker 1: the deal now on the same in the same token, Jannah,
Speaker 1: there has there has to be a level of um
Speaker 1: first of all, in all things, utter and complete acceptance
Speaker 1: and forgiveness, because when you marry someone, you marry them
Speaker 1: for their strengths and their weaknesses. I've been the bread
Speaker 1: one or two for the great majority of my marriage.
Speaker 1: But let me hope you understand something. My husband is
Speaker 1: probably the one that's gonna get us both in heaven
Speaker 1: because I'm crazy, I'm easy as all get out right,
Speaker 1: So he's probably gonna be one standing there holding everybody back,
Speaker 1: said don't let her in, don't let her in, And
Speaker 1: he's probably gonna be the one to let me in.
Speaker 1: So while I have my strengths and weaknesses, he has
Speaker 1: his strengths and weaknesses. The truth is, when we come
Speaker 1: together as a unit, we've got to um, forgive and
Speaker 1: accept because resentment. First of all, you said you would
Speaker 1: do everything for your children, Janna, Let me help you
Speaker 1: understand something about children. Children don't need parents who are
Speaker 1: gonna give them everything. And if you are concerned about
Speaker 1: spending money, then you need to be the change that
Speaker 1: you want to see. So the best way to get
Speaker 1: someone else to do something is to demonstrate how it's done.
Speaker 1: So it's a bit of a it's a bit of
Speaker 1: a contradiction, and quite frankly, it's a bit um uh.
Speaker 1: It's an oxy moron. It's a contradiction, and it's really
Speaker 1: a bit of a hypocrite to have really strong boundaries
Speaker 1: when it comes to money on one hand, but then
Speaker 1: when it comes to the kids, then their kids just
Speaker 1: get whatever they want to. Chrisp is a crazy Let
Speaker 1: me help you understand something about these entitled children running around.
Speaker 1: They're rotten in the evil. Children want everything from their parents.
Speaker 1: Parents feel all guilty. I've been there, I've done all that,
Speaker 1: but I've raised three daughters. My youngest is twenty one
Speaker 1: and twenty five and they started out. I was traveling
Speaker 1: all over the world. We were in all kind of
Speaker 1: all start cheerleading. I was the breadwinner. My husband would
Speaker 1: say something, then I'd say, no, let's not do that.
Speaker 1: They're not gon spend a whole bunch of money on
Speaker 1: something else that really didn't make any sense. Because let
Speaker 1: me help you able to say something. Saying that I
Speaker 1: love my kids is not an excuse for being financially irresponsible.
Speaker 1: So the one thing that I want you both to
Speaker 1: understand is this, both of you have some financial things
Speaker 1: that you're gonna have to work on together. And at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, Janna, your emotions and feelings
Speaker 1: mike your emotions and feelings while they are legitimately yours
Speaker 1: and they belong to you, emotions have no place when
Speaker 1: it comes to money, because you know what, money is
Speaker 1: not even optional we are. Money is factual. Money says
Speaker 1: one plus one equals too. It is the most uh.
Speaker 1: It is the most reliable thing that you have in
Speaker 1: your life. Money is more reliable than a a nagging life.
Speaker 1: Money is more reliable than a forgetful husband. Money is
Speaker 1: more reliable than some begging children. Money is more reliable
Speaker 1: than the weather. Money is more reliable because it literally
Speaker 1: says this is how I operate, and I operate this
Speaker 1: way every single time. So if one plus one equals
Speaker 1: too and if your stuff adds up to ten, it'll
Speaker 1: never ever get into two. So what I recommend for
Speaker 1: the two of you is to live by a budget.
Speaker 1: And Mike, that means when you go down a rabbit hole,
Speaker 1: that means that you are still trying to heal. And
Speaker 1: I understand I don't understand addiction, um um and and
Speaker 1: And I'm not sure in what way you've experienced it,
Speaker 1: but we've all had probably most of us have had
Speaker 1: some kind of addiction. Me it was a spending addiction.
Speaker 1: Literally I would get I would spend money for any reason.
Speaker 1: I would loan money to people even when I didn't
Speaker 1: have it, so they wouldn't think I was broke, which
Speaker 1: I was. So I had to heal that thing. But
Speaker 1: the one thing you can't do to heal and addiction
Speaker 1: is covered up with another one. What you've actually got
Speaker 1: to do, You're being tested to actually move through that
Speaker 1: thing and not have it filled up with something that's superficial, artificial.
Speaker 1: And I'm just gonna say this now, I am a
Speaker 1: firm believer in you doing what you want to do.
Speaker 1: But let me tell you something. There's only only so
Speaker 1: many golf clubs, watches, video games, and everything else that
Speaker 1: you need. At some point, perhaps those resources can be
Speaker 1: put into another education, another skill, a home, home based business,
Speaker 1: another string of income, um, something that's going to produce
Speaker 1: something else, and then out of your reward, then you're
Speaker 1: able to reward yourself. So money is not emotional. Money
Speaker 1: is very factual. It is reliable in its basic mathematics.
Speaker 1: One plus one equals too. So what I want you
Speaker 1: all to do is what my husband and I have done.
Speaker 1: Was been twenty six years and our money has been
Speaker 1: all the way at the top, and then I was
Speaker 1: responsible for handling and I messed everything up, and even
Speaker 1: then we stuck together. Because when the money is gone,
Speaker 1: if you if you lose friends, and this that the other,
Speaker 1: when you've got someone there in your life that you
Speaker 1: can rely upon, that has your back, that you can
Speaker 1: depend on, let me tell you something. You have everything.
Speaker 1: So I'd like for you all to live by the
Speaker 1: ten ten thirty fifty, the first ten percent of every
Speaker 1: dollar that comes into the household. I'd like you to
Speaker 1: say I'd like you to give. I'd like for you
Speaker 1: all to think about somebody other than yourselves and your children.
Speaker 1: Is there a cause that you'd like to give money to,
Speaker 1: perhaps UM, the one of the addiction or one of
Speaker 1: the other UM low or low to moderate income, or
Speaker 1: homeless or something people who are needed. Because good givers
Speaker 1: are great getters. And when you learn how to give,
Speaker 1: you position yourself for receiving the next ten percent. I'd
Speaker 1: like for you to save, either in a four one
Speaker 1: k Mike if it's extra money that you get in
Speaker 1: from a gig. If you don't have a four one K,
Speaker 1: then start your mutual fund or start your self employed
Speaker 1: retirement fund. Um Janna. If it give a four one came,
Speaker 1: your job would have you. But I want you to
Speaker 1: save because the goal for everyone is to have at
Speaker 1: least one year of an emergency fund. The pandemic has
Speaker 1: showed us that one stream of income has hazards to
Speaker 1: your wealth. And if the red rugets f from under you,
Speaker 1: then you want to be in position to thrive the
Speaker 1: next thirty percent. And I want you all to be
Speaker 1: really clear about this. Thirty percent is cash and this
Speaker 1: thirty percent is for groceries. Gas, hair, uh, stuff for
Speaker 1: the kids, whatever, all the incidentals, the remaining fifty percent stays.
Speaker 1: Then you're checking account for your bills now of the
Speaker 1: thirty percent for incidentals. Once you take care of groceries
Speaker 1: and gas and all your essentials, then the remainder of
Speaker 1: that gets split between the two of you evenly. Because
Speaker 1: you did not get married to be separate individuals. You
Speaker 1: got married to become one. So it doesn't matter who
Speaker 1: really made it. You split it in between you two.
Speaker 1: So if you only have three, you hunt to the
Speaker 1: fifty dollars and spending money for the month, that's all
Speaker 1: you get. That's all you get, Okay, And if you
Speaker 1: want to go to the movies, I recommend that you
Speaker 1: set an appointment for Netflix at the house with the kids,
Speaker 1: pop your own popcorn, makes something to drink and eat,
Speaker 1: all that kind of stuff. See, we've got to start
Speaker 1: teaching our children how to build wealth. That's what children want.
Speaker 1: Children want parents who love them and each other, who
Speaker 1: know how to get along, and who know how to
Speaker 1: teach them become responsible adults mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially.
Speaker 1: And then what I'd like you both to do when
Speaker 1: you're upset about something when it comes to money, I
Speaker 1: want you to write thoughts, disentangle themselves when they passed
Speaker 1: through your fingertips. Right, what you're feeling, right, what you're thinking,
Speaker 1: Tell the whole truth. And then if you feel like
Speaker 1: getting that writing out has helped you to gain perspective,
Speaker 1: then perhaps you can now speak to the other person
Speaker 1: with dignity, without anger, without resentment. When you write it,
Speaker 1: say when you said this to me, it made me
Speaker 1: feel this way. Don't say to the other person you
Speaker 1: did this to me, you attacked me. No no, no no, no.
Speaker 1: Don't tell the earther person what they did. Just explain
Speaker 1: how it makes you feel. Because a lot of times
Speaker 1: we communicate with someone that we love, we're just talking.
Speaker 1: We're not intentionally trying to attack. But if you tell
Speaker 1: me I attacked you, I'm gonna say I didn't. But
Speaker 1: if you tell me I feel attacked. See, nobody can
Speaker 1: dispute your feeling. Right. So when you write, either now
Speaker 1: figure out a way to communicate with each other, or
Speaker 1: share what you wrote with the other person. Let me
Speaker 1: tell you my husband and I there are times when
Speaker 1: I've written something to him and it changed his whole
Speaker 1: way of doing something. It's times he's written something to
Speaker 1: me and I'm like, oh my god, I didn't know
Speaker 1: that this is what I was doing. And the truth
Speaker 1: is each and every one of us. And I'm gonna
Speaker 1: say this to you. Take responsibility for your own toxicity.
Speaker 1: You know what's toxic you, you know, and and let
Speaker 1: me say this to you, Mike, Retaliating is not uh,
Speaker 1: it's not protection you. You as a man, your job
Speaker 1: was to protect that household and to be security and
Speaker 1: to be the head. Okay, retaliating. So if you said
Speaker 1: that if she does something and spends money, then you
Speaker 1: feel like you could do it too. And then if
Speaker 1: if but if if you did it and she didn't,
Speaker 1: forget that that's petty. That's that's kindergarten. Okay, that's that's
Speaker 1: on the playground, all right. So sometimes you gotta just
Speaker 1: take it in. Sometimes you gotta just take it, but
Speaker 1: never feel like you have to either retaliate or because
Speaker 1: you did it or when you did it. Come from
Speaker 1: another place of what is right and try to come
Speaker 1: from another place of power um and doing just what
Speaker 1: is truthful. So I kind of went off on a
Speaker 1: little preaching speech there but feel free to dialogue with
Speaker 1: me about what you think about that, if there's something
Speaker 1: that hit you, or if there are are some other
Speaker 1: things that I can that I can share with you.
Speaker 1: Being as uh financially savvy and mature as as you
Speaker 1: and your husband seem to be obviously now, I mean,
Speaker 1: you're the guru with all the books and literature and
Speaker 1: everything you've done around money. Where's the conflict between you
Speaker 1: and your husband? Like nowadays? Is there any at all?
Speaker 1: Are you completely on the same page or as still?
Speaker 1: There's moments where you guys don't see eye to eye?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, he gets on my last nerves, okay, because
Speaker 1: he fits, he forgets things, and I'm like, what the hell?
Speaker 1: And then, um, you know, I just have this saying
Speaker 1: women are crazy and men are irrational. So sometimes I'm
Speaker 1: just crazy, talking talking, talking, talking talking. I know that
Speaker 1: gets on his nerves, right, and then he's just irrational.
Speaker 1: I'm like, now, how did you put that together? And
Speaker 1: then there's no answer. So you know, what I found
Speaker 1: is that that's kind of similar with most marriages, most marriages,
Speaker 1: and I just decided a long time ago, I'm not
Speaker 1: going to I'm not gonna stroke out right because I'm
Speaker 1: very grateful of thankful for the things that I can
Speaker 1: get away with and recover from and heal from, and
Speaker 1: so the same thing for him. But I don't want
Speaker 1: you to think, uh, we're mature as it relates to
Speaker 1: we we just have some experience. We have twenty six years,
Speaker 1: but we've been through it as well. But I'm gonna
Speaker 1: say to you, if you start to take the emotion
Speaker 1: out and that becomes that is really the big thing,
Speaker 1: and you just deal with the dollars. Okay, So at
Speaker 1: some point, and I don't care who the breadwinner is,
Speaker 1: but if, if, if someone else is the breadwinner, then
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be very careful about tapping into those dollars.
Speaker 1: And and this is not about who has more power.
Speaker 1: It is about honor and respect and and I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna say this to you, Mike. I'm gonna say this
Speaker 1: because this is this is probably something that that a
Speaker 1: woman would think. You know, we grew up as little
Speaker 1: girls thinking we'd marry our night and shining armor, and
Speaker 1: that night in shining armor would sweep us off into
Speaker 1: the sunset, take care of us. This any other well,
Speaker 1: that's what that's not how happens and guess what, it's okay.
Speaker 1: So for the great majority of my marriage, I've been
Speaker 1: the one to go out and grind and kick it
Speaker 1: and keep the stuff in. What I'd like for my
Speaker 1: husband to do is to acknowledge that, to honor that,
Speaker 1: and to honor that with discipline, Honor that with boundaries,
Speaker 1: honor that with agreement. And then, Janna, let me tell
Speaker 1: you what I give my husband in exchange for that authority.
Speaker 1: I can't. I can't run him. As a matter of fact,
Speaker 1: I spent so much time being out in the world
Speaker 1: running everything else. I want to come home to a
Speaker 1: man who can lead me and let me just let
Speaker 1: go of something. I'm tired, Okay, but I've got to
Speaker 1: give the authority. I've got to relinquish authority. I'm gonna say,
Speaker 1: give it. I gotta relinquish authority and allow him to
Speaker 1: grow in authority. And then I've got let me give
Speaker 1: you an example, and this is common. Um. Then you
Speaker 1: get in the car and you think you know where
Speaker 1: you're going and you don't. And the wife was sitting
Speaker 1: there week was like, aren't we going the wrong way?
Speaker 1: And you're like, no, I got it together. And eventually
Speaker 1: you get lost. And you know, us women in our
Speaker 1: early days, we get so mad, were so angry. Let
Speaker 1: me tell you something. Just sit back, let me make
Speaker 1: a mistake. Get lost, Yeah, get just get lost. Let
Speaker 1: me tell you something. There is nothing more um fulfilling.
Speaker 1: Then when I tried to tell my husband, I remember,
Speaker 1: I tried to tell the baby, you need to put
Speaker 1: some gas in the car, because we're about to run
Speaker 1: out of gas. No, no, I guess who guess to to,
Speaker 1: you know, a mile from home. Now. Of course, he
Speaker 1: was so a irritated, be embarrassed, so I kind of
Speaker 1: just went out, but I waited. So he got out
Speaker 1: of the car, and just when I was about to
Speaker 1: go in, my three daughters and one of my best
Speaker 1: friends in the car. My youngest daughter. She was sick.
Speaker 1: She said, Mom shell out because she know I was
Speaker 1: about to go off. Janna, Sometimes you gotta relax because
Speaker 1: your mouth can't teach him how to be a man,
Speaker 1: but life will. And I'm not saying that you're not
Speaker 1: a man. And I'm gonna say the same thing to you, Mike.
Speaker 1: Sometimes let her just rattle on off into the stratosphere
Speaker 1: of where her mind is taking her. Just sit back,
Speaker 1: Just sit back and just wait because at some point
Speaker 1: her womanhood is gonna step in and that little girl
Speaker 1: is gonna stop throwing a tantrum at some point. Okay,
Speaker 1: So there has to be for both of you, really,
Speaker 1: the ability to see the bigger picture, the the the
Speaker 1: ability to let your own ego just kind of chill,
Speaker 1: let your own ago chill, and everybody's ego going at
Speaker 1: the same time. You're not gonna get me where. But
Speaker 1: this money is easy. It's called the budget, the ten
Speaker 1: ten fifty period. And and if your thirty percent is
Speaker 1: too much, because some of my clients, they make a
Speaker 1: whole lot of money, so thirty send us too much
Speaker 1: for spending money. It's ten ten, ten seventy. And then
Speaker 1: once they get done with their bills, now you're gonna
Speaker 1: build your emergency fund. You're gonna pay off your debts
Speaker 1: and so on and so forth. And when there is
Speaker 1: no money left, guess what you don't get any get
Speaker 1: anymore if you want. If you get your spending money, Mike,
Speaker 1: and you spend your home five on the first day,
Speaker 1: guess what you're gonna eat beings and rice or whatever.
Speaker 1: You're gonna play a tree fifty two hundred they came
Speaker 1: out of nineteen eight two. You're not getting on the
Speaker 1: video games too bad. It's called discipline. And the last
Speaker 1: thing I'm gonna say to you all, and I don't
Speaker 1: know if it's the last thing, but you know, we
Speaker 1: can continue on to ask some more questions, be what
Speaker 1: you want to teach your children? Try to Okay, I
Speaker 1: love the kid uh the kid aspect too, because I
Speaker 1: remember all to say two things. Um, when Jolie got
Speaker 1: her tooth out and the tooth fairy came, I told
Speaker 1: her to say that, you know, save the money, and
Speaker 1: she also gave her five dollars. Five dollars, what's their
Speaker 1: first tooth? You know it'll go down from there. But
Speaker 1: I land, I loved what you said about forgiveness because
Speaker 1: Michael and I had kind of a breakthrough, um a
Speaker 1: few weeks ago because there was this amount of money
Speaker 1: that needs to be paid back and I and I
Speaker 1: held and I was, I held a lot of pain,
Speaker 1: and my therapist look to me and she goes, don't
Speaker 1: let this money affect your relationship and there has to
Speaker 1: be this piece of forgiveness like and then she talked
Speaker 1: about God and dying on the cross and how to
Speaker 1: be able to forgive and to not let the money
Speaker 1: this payback money, just cause all these arguments and fights.
Speaker 1: She's like, you have to forgive. And then from there,
Speaker 1: that's when y'all have to come together to meet and discuss,
Speaker 1: you know, the boundaries and live by those so that
Speaker 1: those resentments don't come back up, you know, because what
Speaker 1: I don't want is to, you know, go through this
Speaker 1: and and then you know, the boundaries still aren't met.
Speaker 1: And I think where I was having an issue is
Speaker 1: is I have no I had no problem with the
Speaker 1: under five hundred. Is just that the times it was spending.
Speaker 1: You know, if it's under hunt, you don't get to
Speaker 1: pick what it's five hundred dollars is unless it's illegal. No, No,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I think what I'm saying is it like
Speaker 1: it added up, so it's like it was a three
Speaker 1: hundred purchase three D three hundred three hand. I'm like
Speaker 1: that that all adds up, you know, and so that
Speaker 1: miscommunication between us. Yeah, and it's not you get to
Speaker 1: spend under five dollars eighteen times, yeah, right, it's this
Speaker 1: is the amount of money you have available to spend.
Speaker 1: And guess what, Janna, you get the same amount. You
Speaker 1: don't get more because you're you're the breadwinner. It's equal.
Speaker 1: Well and I yeah, and that's you know. And and
Speaker 1: in the same way that maybe the golf thing is
Speaker 1: too much, or the clubs or whatever, how many activities
Speaker 1: you have the kids in a bunch. Let me tell
Speaker 1: you something. There's there's your wealth right there. When when
Speaker 1: I started to give my money straight, let me tell
Speaker 1: you the first place I went. All the children, all right,
Speaker 1: they came out of the private school. I bought a
Speaker 1: house in the neighborhood where I like the school. Now
Speaker 1: you're going to school for free dance class. Okay, Now
Speaker 1: you're going to the dance ministry at the church for
Speaker 1: free cheerleading. Now this is If you've got a whole
Speaker 1: big old bucket of money and money isn't an issue,
Speaker 1: then keep spending money. But if money is tight and
Speaker 1: you do not see your financial future building up the
Speaker 1: way you wanted to build up, do not miss out
Speaker 1: on your financial future and your kids financial stability by
Speaker 1: spending money on things. And then let me tell you this,
Speaker 1: all of the social attachments, because I was attached to
Speaker 1: all the moms that were in all the things, all
Speaker 1: the moms of the of the ballet crew, all the moms,
Speaker 1: and the football are all the moms, and the softball
Speaker 1: and all of this, and and everybody's up, and everybody's
Speaker 1: spending money that you don't have, an you're going home
Speaker 1: upset with your spouse because there are actually some things
Speaker 1: that you can do to control you're spending. So everybody
Speaker 1: gets that thirty percent for incidentals. It has to come
Speaker 1: out of that. And I will say tuition as well.
Speaker 1: Tuition is not a bill m Tuition is a choice.
Speaker 1: And if if tuition is not, if that's not in
Speaker 1: an occasion right now, then God bless you. If it is,
Speaker 1: start to think long term about what that means, because listen,
Speaker 1: and then his other thing. Money will work harder for
Speaker 1: you than you can never work for it, but you
Speaker 1: gotta let it. But if it's going out to to
Speaker 1: this over here, the kids over there, the Christmas, that's
Speaker 1: massive and overwhelming, all the big old vacations and this,
Speaker 1: then the other. A vacation is not a vacation. If
Speaker 1: you're worried about how much money you spend it, you're
Speaker 1: not on vacation. The vacation is on you. So I'd
Speaker 1: like to see you all adopt some holistic things that
Speaker 1: you can do as a family that don't require money,
Speaker 1: and and and everybody needs healing, right. So when we
Speaker 1: first started to cut back, the very first thing, my
Speaker 1: youngest daughter says, she was about four or five at
Speaker 1: the time, she said, are y'all broke? That's just how
Speaker 1: ridiculous I was was spending that when she asked for something,
Speaker 1: and weep my my husband because I was usually the
Speaker 1: one who would just say yes, yes, yes, yes yes.
Speaker 1: And then my husband had to be want to put
Speaker 1: me in check, and I was the bread winner, but
Speaker 1: it didn't matter because I was the bread winner and
Speaker 1: the bread loser. Okay, So she said, are y'all broke?
Speaker 1: And my husband and I had to be together and say,
Speaker 1: you know what, you can't do this. This is not
Speaker 1: we know, this isn't in the budget. But guess what
Speaker 1: now they're responsible. They keep money in the bank, They've
Speaker 1: got seven eight hundred credit scores, um. They have more
Speaker 1: money than most adults that I know who are working
Speaker 1: full time with houses and all this kind of stuff.
Speaker 1: So what legacy do you want to pass on? It
Speaker 1: starts right now, and it starts with you and changing
Speaker 1: the things that are hurting The things that are hurting
Speaker 1: you are the things that you probably want to change.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, No, I was just gonna say this. Thank
Speaker 1: you for all your insight. You know, it's definitely something
Speaker 1: and that you know will continue to having our a
Speaker 1: couple of therapy sessions. But I I feel like a
Speaker 1: lot of things you said. I'm gonna re listen to
Speaker 1: this podcast, UM when it airs, because I just I
Speaker 1: appreciate everything you said, and I appreciate you calling me out,
Speaker 1: and I just I appreciate you know your words. So
Speaker 1: thank you so much. And to our listeners. UM, where
Speaker 1: can they find you out? Oh, ask land dot org.
Speaker 1: Ask land dot org. You can go there and get
Speaker 1: a class, a session, or whatever it is that you need.
Speaker 1: And I already know that you walk and do it.
Speaker 1: I know that you all can do it. I see
Speaker 1: it in you already. UM. And I also want you
Speaker 1: both to know this, there is absolutely nothing to be
Speaker 1: ashamed of when it comes to financial difficulty or marital discord.
Speaker 1: It is the most normal thing. I've never met anyone
Speaker 1: on the planet that didn't have to go through something.
Speaker 1: But it's what we learn about ourselves. Life is ten
Speaker 1: percent what happens to you and how respond. So what
Speaker 1: I've learned is if I got better, my life got better.
Speaker 1: If I got better, the things that were happening around
Speaker 1: me got better. And it takes patience. So thank you
Speaker 1: all for allowing me to share with you, and good luck.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Appreciate it. Okay, Violin bye bye.
Speaker 1: Well she's got so much information and a lot of
Speaker 1: insight on a lot of this, and I appreciated her
Speaker 1: her bluntness and her new book is Get Your Money
Speaker 1: Back Tax Deduction you never knew about at Lynn Richardson
Speaker 1: dot com. So I mean again, she can talk all
Speaker 1: around any kind of money, and she's that you're dealing with.
Speaker 1: Can I say something you got? Really? I felt it
Speaker 1: what she said, Yeah, do you want to talk about
Speaker 1: because I think I don't want you to take what
Speaker 1: she said in a shaming way. And I think, right
Speaker 1: I'm where it's just you and me and a couple
Speaker 1: of thousand people listening. But I'm trying to too, because
Speaker 1: the second she said that you, she lost you. And
Speaker 1: then interview and I was trying to rub your leg
Speaker 1: to be like, you know, trying to get you because
Speaker 1: I know this second what it did to you the
Speaker 1: second she said that, And I was just like, f
Speaker 1: there goes the interview because I know where shame goes
Speaker 1: to you and I don't. I'm not trying to like
Speaker 1: defend her at all, because I you're an amazing husband,
Speaker 1: You're a great husband. She was just referencing she's she's
Speaker 1: not she's not a therapist, right, so she's not sensitive
Speaker 1: to like, she doesn't know our issues, what we've been through,
Speaker 1: you know. So when she said a husband like you,
Speaker 1: I was like, I know how harsh you take words.
Speaker 1: And I was like, ah, that's gonna sting him. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, it made me upset for you because I
Speaker 1: didn't want you to have to feel that throughout the interview.
Speaker 1: But I think she just meant like a husband. That's
Speaker 1: It's just I think she was just trying to say
Speaker 1: it was like a husband that spends, you know, money,
Speaker 1: So a husband like you, you know, but the wording, yes,
Speaker 1: sounds harsh, but you're a great husband. Are you hearing
Speaker 1: any of this because I feel like you're just really
Speaker 1: shut off. Now I'm hearing it. I appreciate you trying
Speaker 1: to uh decipher in a different way. I Mark, if
Speaker 1: you want to come, And I disagree a little bit
Speaker 1: because the timing of it was right after the addiction stuff,
Speaker 1: and so I think what she was saying what was
Speaker 1: for that reason. It's just she's a money person, so
Speaker 1: like you said, she's not a therapist, so people just
Speaker 1: talk more bluntly when it comes to money. That's like
Speaker 1: her whole thing, right is taking the emotion out of money.
Speaker 1: So I just think she's being that direct. I don't
Speaker 1: think she She wasn't perfectly trying to shame me. I know,
Speaker 1: but you're wearing it for sure, and there's nothing to wear.
Speaker 1: But you're a great husband, I know that, So what
Speaker 1: are Why are you wearing it? Because it's making me
Speaker 1: sad that you are when as shaming as being an
Speaker 1: attic is when that's when you're put into a category
Speaker 1: or mentioned in such a way. Again, nothing personal to
Speaker 1: Lynn at all. By no means was it purposeful or
Speaker 1: anything like that. It's just the way I received it,
Speaker 1: but just being categorized like I can't do something because
Speaker 1: you're an act or you know someone like you or
Speaker 1: you know m Yeah, I felt for like during that
Speaker 1: interview and I was trying to decide is she really
Speaker 1: is she being harsh to micro my putting myself in
Speaker 1: my position and therefore taking the guy's side kind of naturally,
Speaker 1: But I did feel like Mike got a kind of
Speaker 1: hard right there alright with that statement, for sure. I
Speaker 1: mean she totally called me out to for and I
Speaker 1: have to work on that in general as well, coming
Speaker 1: in and being like, well gooys. Some the Dems used
Speaker 1: it like Jannah shut up, okay, you know, so that
Speaker 1: that's my work too. I think it's just hard because yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, because you're the overspender, of course they're
Speaker 1: going to probably come down more on the overspender unfortunately,
Speaker 1: you know. It just I think it was more than
Speaker 1: just that comment, because it was hard because a lot
Speaker 1: of it was just off of the forty seconds we
Speaker 1: talked at the beginning. A lot of it I thought
Speaker 1: was generalized than after that, like to an extreme. It's like,
Speaker 1: you know, some of the words, yeah, like you don't
Speaker 1: you don't I don't think you retaliate. Yeah, as much
Speaker 1: as I wanted to, like like what what what, it's
Speaker 1: not the case all the time, and this is that,
Speaker 1: you know, it just seem to really exaggerate some of
Speaker 1: the negative traits or things and whatever. So well, I mean,
Speaker 1: you know, I still think it's normal for couples to
Speaker 1: have one person that spends more, one person that spends less,
Speaker 1: and there's pluses and minus to both of them, and
Speaker 1: you know, just continue to talk it out, you know,
Speaker 1: read resources and talk to your therapists and don't let
Speaker 1: that drive a wedge into your marriage because that can
Speaker 1: cause a lot of underlying resentment and that's just not good.
Speaker 1: So all right, guys, that's a show hye Bye,