1 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:07,760 Speaker 1: Hey, this standing and Samantha, and welcome to stuff. I 2 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:19,040 Speaker 1: never told you production if I heart radio, and today 3 00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:23,880 Speaker 1: it is time for another happy hour. As always, drink 4 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:28,200 Speaker 1: responsibly if you choose to do so. Um, what are 5 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:30,479 Speaker 1: you saving on, Samantha? You know I'm gonna throw it 6 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:34,760 Speaker 1: back old school. I used to love Negro medellos and 7 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:37,720 Speaker 1: I saw them in the beer section. I was like, yeah, 8 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:41,120 Speaker 1: it's been a long time. I want that. So I 9 00:00:41,159 --> 00:00:46,680 Speaker 1: got a Nigro medello with a lime and it's delicious, nice, nice. 10 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:52,839 Speaker 1: Um as of this moment, not a sponsor. So I 11 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:59,680 Speaker 1: have some gin and lime and lemon and raspberries and 12 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:03,000 Speaker 1: and um, topped it all with sparkling water because I 13 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:05,559 Speaker 1: just had. I forgot to talk about this. In our traditions, 14 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:11,400 Speaker 1: she's giving. Of course, I just had. She's giving. And interestingly, 15 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,959 Speaker 1: this might tell you my state of mind. I gave 16 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:17,640 Speaker 1: up all control over it. We're normally I'm the one 17 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:19,880 Speaker 1: that's like, we gotta get this many, we gotta get 18 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:22,120 Speaker 1: these things. And you say I didn't buy anything for it. 19 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:25,679 Speaker 1: I contributed money, but I was like, do as you will. 20 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:31,200 Speaker 1: I want a cucumber. I love cucumber and cheese. But 21 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:33,000 Speaker 1: I have a friend, my good friend Katie, who's been 22 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:35,360 Speaker 1: on here before. She likes to pick at me because 23 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,040 Speaker 1: I don't like to have snacks and she loves snacks. 24 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:39,160 Speaker 1: I don't really eat a love sweets. She loves seats, 25 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:41,520 Speaker 1: so she always brings like all of these things and 26 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,319 Speaker 1: then lose it here and she knows I won't eat them. 27 00:01:43,319 --> 00:01:45,520 Speaker 1: But anyway, the raspberries for hers um. So I'm trying 28 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:48,400 Speaker 1: to find ways to use up all these browsers. There's 29 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:52,600 Speaker 1: just so many raspberries. I do like fruit, and I 30 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:56,480 Speaker 1: used to. I actually stopped buying berries because I realized 31 00:01:56,520 --> 00:02:00,440 Speaker 1: they were taking up like a significant percentage of my budget. 32 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:02,360 Speaker 1: Back when I used to go to the grocery store 33 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:06,360 Speaker 1: every week, my berry budget was huge because they can 34 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,840 Speaker 1: get quite expensive. But I don't normally eat them by 35 00:02:09,919 --> 00:02:14,600 Speaker 1: themselves anymore. So I'm just getting creative with some uses. 36 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:18,360 Speaker 1: But this has a lot of raspberries, and it's nice 37 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,240 Speaker 1: to change the color. It's nice pink ish color. Yeah, 38 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:27,400 Speaker 1: so today I did want to talk about threples. This 39 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,880 Speaker 1: deserves a whole episode, and we've been meaning to do 40 00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:33,200 Speaker 1: one for a while, especially like Polly relationships and how 41 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,399 Speaker 1: they can look and we want to bring someone on 42 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:39,320 Speaker 1: to talk to talk to us about those things. So 43 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:43,840 Speaker 1: this is a much more personal take. Just caveat this 44 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:47,360 Speaker 1: is just my kind of loose research and thoughts because, 45 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,320 Speaker 1: as I've mentioned lately, I have been thinking about what 46 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:52,160 Speaker 1: a relationship could look like for me as an a 47 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:55,400 Speaker 1: sexual person if I ever wanted to pursue one, which 48 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:58,560 Speaker 1: I might not, and honestly, just knowing how I identify 49 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:00,960 Speaker 1: and asking these questions, it's felt huge and kind of 50 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,400 Speaker 1: fun and exciting. I will not lie and say it's 51 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:06,760 Speaker 1: always easy, because it is not. But that's been nice 52 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:11,960 Speaker 1: to be kind of like expanding what I think could 53 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:15,079 Speaker 1: be what it could be for me and that that's 54 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,280 Speaker 1: okay and it doesn't mean I'm a failure and all 55 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:21,360 Speaker 1: those kinds of things. Yeah, it feels like discovering something new. 56 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:26,680 Speaker 1: And actually, speaking of Katie, we were talking about Thriftles 57 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,520 Speaker 1: and she was also like, you know, I've been thinking 58 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:30,280 Speaker 1: about that. I didn't know there's a whole dating app 59 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:36,520 Speaker 1: for Thriftles specifically, which I would love to learn more about. 60 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,680 Speaker 1: I would love to learn more about, but not not today. 61 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:42,240 Speaker 1: That surprised me. But yeah, I think one of the 62 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:45,120 Speaker 1: most empowering parts of this is something we've discussed before, 63 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:48,080 Speaker 1: which is really embracing negotiation and like not taking anything 64 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:51,280 Speaker 1: for granted in what a relationship is or should look like, 65 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:54,640 Speaker 1: or how you should act in one, because once you 66 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:58,200 Speaker 1: step outside of heteronormative relationshipscripts and everything is sort of 67 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:00,520 Speaker 1: new because we don't see it represented often, or at 68 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:02,480 Speaker 1: least that's been for me, it just feels all of 69 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,520 Speaker 1: it feels kind of like, oh, I'm not sure we 70 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:05,880 Speaker 1: need to talk about this or we need to ask 71 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,760 Speaker 1: about this. And this is not to say hetero couples 72 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:12,040 Speaker 1: don't negotiate, and I'm a big proponent for negotiating in 73 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:15,160 Speaker 1: general or just discussing wants and knees, but for me, 74 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:19,360 Speaker 1: I was so steeped and sex and relationships that they 75 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:22,520 Speaker 1: only looked this one way that this has been really 76 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:26,680 Speaker 1: huge actually, and I've been seeing this come up a 77 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:31,120 Speaker 1: lot in fan fiction a lot in fan fiction, and 78 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:35,400 Speaker 1: it's really interesting to see how they handle the negotiations 79 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:39,440 Speaker 1: of how things of how things can look. So as 80 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:41,279 Speaker 1: a part of all this, I think I could be 81 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,000 Speaker 1: in a relationship with another person and even potentially have 82 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:47,480 Speaker 1: sex with them as long as we're on the same page. Um, 83 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:49,240 Speaker 1: now that I know that all the stuff that was 84 00:04:49,279 --> 00:04:52,680 Speaker 1: frankly terrifying me about it before, again, I'm still like, 85 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:57,680 Speaker 1: there's a lot of untangling and all this conversation with myself, 86 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 1: which yes, I do talk to myself of a lot 87 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:05,920 Speaker 1: during the bang. It's a sometimes I talk to myself 88 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:10,000 Speaker 1: in front of other people. Still, I love masks because 89 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:14,200 Speaker 1: that's grocery stores. I'm talking to myself the entire time. 90 00:05:14,279 --> 00:05:19,240 Speaker 1: And I figured that out when I was like, why what, 91 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:22,679 Speaker 1: Because I like the sensation of filling that mask closer 92 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:26,080 Speaker 1: up when you're talking to yourself. And I was like, oh, 93 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:28,200 Speaker 1: I'm really glad I'm wearing a mask. And this may 94 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:31,000 Speaker 1: be another reason why I will always wear masks from 95 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:33,200 Speaker 1: now on, because I have gotten into the habit of 96 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,600 Speaker 1: talking to myself in public. Yeah. Yeah, And I was 97 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:39,839 Speaker 1: holing fair Thanksgiving. I was talking to myself in front 98 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:41,200 Speaker 1: of my mom and brother and they'd be like, what 99 00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:44,159 Speaker 1: are you talking to us? I'm like, oh, no, just me. 100 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:46,839 Speaker 1: This is a miscommunication between my partner and I often 101 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,040 Speaker 1: where I'm whispering to myself and he's getting mad think 102 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,080 Speaker 1: I'm trying to have a conversation with him. And I'm like, 103 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:55,880 Speaker 1: I'm talking to myself. Let me be me and myself 104 00:05:55,960 --> 00:06:02,880 Speaker 1: need a conversation. So yes, I am talking to myself 105 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:18,359 Speaker 1: out loud about some of these things. And yeah, we 106 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:22,520 Speaker 1: have been talking about some of this conversation recently with 107 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,440 Speaker 1: with our book club, on deb com and on ace 108 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:28,240 Speaker 1: where you know, if if I didn't ever want to 109 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:31,200 Speaker 1: have sex again ever, then that's fine too. So it 110 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,240 Speaker 1: would have to be something that I wanted was okay with, 111 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,960 Speaker 1: and that is that's hard for me as someone who 112 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:40,480 Speaker 1: has always convinced people are one annoyance away from realizing 113 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:42,920 Speaker 1: that I'm not worth keeping around and tossing me out 114 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:46,120 Speaker 1: of their life. So that these are just very preliminary 115 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,640 Speaker 1: thoughts that I'm having because I do have a lot 116 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,080 Speaker 1: of work to do, a lot of work to do. 117 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:55,279 Speaker 1: And also, yeah, the feelings that I should have sex 118 00:06:55,279 --> 00:06:56,880 Speaker 1: and I should want to have sex, so I'm going 119 00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:00,200 Speaker 1: to have that work on that. And then yeah, the 120 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:02,839 Speaker 1: panth that I were talking like to you and why probably, 121 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,680 Speaker 1: but I think that I might have some kind of 122 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,640 Speaker 1: sexual dysfunction because I actually have a lot of pain, 123 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:11,360 Speaker 1: like every time I've tried to have sex or even 124 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:13,000 Speaker 1: like inserting tampons. I have a lot of pain and 125 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 1: it could be trauma. I don't know, but there's something 126 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:20,480 Speaker 1: there too. But I do think that maybe I could 127 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:23,320 Speaker 1: work in a threattle which is also called a triad 128 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:28,560 Speaker 1: are closed triad or a relationship which is a combination 129 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:31,120 Speaker 1: of the word couple and three with truple. I always 130 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,960 Speaker 1: felt it differently, but there are a couple of spellings 131 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,560 Speaker 1: that are accepted. But yeah. Essentially, it refers to a 132 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:39,080 Speaker 1: three way relationship, and it differs from a threesome, which 133 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:43,800 Speaker 1: is exclusively sexual. There are romantic and or emotional connections. 134 00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:46,880 Speaker 1: It is also not the same as an open relationship. 135 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,400 Speaker 1: It involves three consenting adults who agree to be in 136 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,920 Speaker 1: a relationship with each other. A thrupple can be closed 137 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,760 Speaker 1: or open. If it's open, members of the relationship can 138 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:59,200 Speaker 1: pursue sex with people outside the thrupple if they desire. 139 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:02,320 Speaker 1: And this is all all very bare bones. UM, I 140 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,560 Speaker 1: would like to return and talk about it or in 141 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,400 Speaker 1: debt later. Um. There are a few main ways a 142 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,560 Speaker 1: trouble can come together. A pre existing couple decides to 143 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,880 Speaker 1: actively seek out a third member. A pre existing couple 144 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: find someone organically. Are three people come together simultaneously. Experts 145 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:22,280 Speaker 1: stressed the key to making a threatle work, especially for couples, 146 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:26,680 Speaker 1: considering it is a healthy relationship with excellent communication. Um, 147 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:29,240 Speaker 1: if you're seeking out a third person because your relationship 148 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,360 Speaker 1: is struggling, that is not so great. That's not gonna 149 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,400 Speaker 1: that's not gonna be good for anybody. Both members must 150 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:37,280 Speaker 1: be equally enthusiastic about it and share a similar vision 151 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:39,560 Speaker 1: about how it will look, while also allowing for the 152 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:42,600 Speaker 1: needs and wants of the third person. Also to be 153 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:47,000 Speaker 1: aware of couple privilege and advantage and hierarchies that can happen. Technically, 154 00:08:47,679 --> 00:08:50,760 Speaker 1: you're trying to manage four relationships, the people and then 155 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:55,600 Speaker 1: the group relationship at large. So it's a lot of communication, 156 00:08:56,120 --> 00:09:00,400 Speaker 1: very very important. While the term trouble for just appeared 157 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,720 Speaker 1: as early as nine and other related terms like manage 158 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,680 Speaker 1: as far before then, it was popularized. It was featured 159 00:09:07,679 --> 00:09:10,440 Speaker 1: in a story on the Cold Beart Poor. Other notable 160 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:13,240 Speaker 1: instances are a twenty seventeen episode of RuPaul's Drag Race, 161 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:19,280 Speaker 1: Netflix show Insatiable, and Netflix show Tiger King. But these 162 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:22,640 Speaker 1: are just a few examples. Outside of pop culture. UM 163 00:09:22,679 --> 00:09:25,520 Speaker 1: A gaze Repple in California made history by listing three 164 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:32,679 Speaker 1: dads on a birth certificate in seventeen. So while like, 165 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,920 Speaker 1: I think I could do this, I will admit there 166 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,680 Speaker 1: are several aspects that make me nervous about it. The 167 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:42,480 Speaker 1: stereotypical knee jerk reaction that it's just men wanting more 168 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:45,680 Speaker 1: women in sex. I know it's not true. I know 169 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:49,160 Speaker 1: it's not always realised, and it's a stereotype, but I 170 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:53,760 Speaker 1: have that. I don't. I'm not somebody who typically gets jealous, um, 171 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:57,480 Speaker 1: but I am insecure and I know that, and so 172 00:09:57,559 --> 00:10:01,719 Speaker 1: I like those insecurities. Again, of like, I think it 173 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:03,240 Speaker 1: would be hard for me not to get my head 174 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:07,480 Speaker 1: about being not the preferred partner, not the better partner, 175 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,160 Speaker 1: all those things that are not healthy, and we will 176 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:13,600 Speaker 1: not work in this situation. And while a throuble does 177 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:17,880 Speaker 1: require a lot of communication, it's not um necessarily easy. 178 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:20,200 Speaker 1: They are definitely benefits to it. And I read a 179 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:24,200 Speaker 1: lot of couples and throubles writing about it and all 180 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:25,679 Speaker 1: of the benefits they got from it, and it was 181 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:29,400 Speaker 1: really nice. So it's just something I've been I've been 182 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:33,160 Speaker 1: curious about and thinking on and imagining how that could, 183 00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:37,600 Speaker 1: how that could look, but I like thinking about these 184 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:42,600 Speaker 1: new ways relationships can appear again. I might not ever 185 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:46,960 Speaker 1: want one. I'm just kind of like interesting, Yeah, I 186 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,200 Speaker 1: think your fan fiction may bring new ideas for you. 187 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:54,800 Speaker 1: Sometimes it does. It does, and you know, like it's 188 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,960 Speaker 1: so funny because I'm so obviously so ridiccent about things 189 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,840 Speaker 1: because I don't normally read romance and and I don't 190 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:05,040 Speaker 1: normally read especially like sexual, but so many of the 191 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:08,360 Speaker 1: stories have that have romance and sexual relationships have the 192 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,400 Speaker 1: thing that I actually do like, which is emotional caring 193 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:13,560 Speaker 1: for each other. So a lot of times I get 194 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,760 Speaker 1: like in that story even though it's not what I want, 195 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,959 Speaker 1: and then I'm fine with it. But it's just it's 196 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,120 Speaker 1: funny to me how often I'll be like, I never 197 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:21,800 Speaker 1: read romance, And then if you look at all the 198 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:25,120 Speaker 1: stories I've read, they're probably romance, but it's like not, 199 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:28,560 Speaker 1: it's I like that emotional caring out what can be 200 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:32,520 Speaker 1: very romantic. But because of that, through that, because of 201 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:36,400 Speaker 1: the pandemic, and you know, I've just had to, I 202 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:38,880 Speaker 1: well had to. I've read stories I normally wouldn't have 203 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,040 Speaker 1: read and things I would have been like never, I'll 204 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:43,240 Speaker 1: never read this Thriple and then I'm like, oh, I 205 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:47,520 Speaker 1: like the Thriple. They're negotiating and they're talking it out. 206 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,960 Speaker 1: I like, this is how they're having these deep conversations. Um, 207 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,680 Speaker 1: So I think you're right, Samantha. I think you're absolutely 208 00:11:55,960 --> 00:12:02,800 Speaker 1: and it is okay. Yes, um World. Cheers to you, Cheers, 209 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:06,800 Speaker 1: Cheers to you listeners. As always, if you have any 210 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:09,920 Speaker 1: topics that you think we should tackle, we would love 211 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,040 Speaker 1: to hear from you. You can emails that stuff media 212 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:13,760 Speaker 1: mom Stuff at I heart meat dot com. You can 213 00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:15,720 Speaker 1: find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast or Instagram 214 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,760 Speaker 1: at stuff I Never Told You. Thanks as always to 215 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:21,200 Speaker 1: our super producer Christina, thank you and thanks to you 216 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,280 Speaker 1: for listening. Stuff I Never Told These production of I 217 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,240 Speaker 1: Heart Radio. For more podcast on my heart Radio is 218 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:27,360 Speaker 1: the heart radio app, Apple podcast or where you listen 219 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:28,320 Speaker 1: to your favorite shows