1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:04,360 Speaker 1: If you have social anxiety, watch this. Let me describe 2 00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:07,880 Speaker 1: a moment you know far too well. You walk into 3 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:11,559 Speaker 1: a room, a party, a networking event, a work event, 4 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:15,080 Speaker 1: a friend's birthday, where you only know one person, and 5 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:19,239 Speaker 1: that person is nowhere to be found, and within three seconds, 6 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:23,159 Speaker 1: three seconds, your body does something you didn't ask. It 7 00:00:23,239 --> 00:00:26,520 Speaker 1: to your chest titans. Your hands don't know where to go. 8 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:30,160 Speaker 1: You reach for your phone, not because anyone texted you, 9 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:33,120 Speaker 1: but because holding it gives you a job, a role, 10 00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:36,479 Speaker 1: a reason to not be the person standing alone with 11 00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:40,160 Speaker 1: nothing to do and nowhere to look. Believe me, I've 12 00:00:40,159 --> 00:00:43,440 Speaker 1: done it too. You scan the room. Everyone seems to 13 00:00:43,479 --> 00:00:47,120 Speaker 1: already be in a conversation, having a great time. Everyone 14 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:50,919 Speaker 1: seems to already know each other. Everyone seems comfortable, and 15 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:54,120 Speaker 1: you feel like the only person in the building who 16 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:56,680 Speaker 1: didn't get the manual on how to be a human 17 00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:59,880 Speaker 1: in a room full of other humans. So you do 18 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:02,880 Speaker 1: what most people do. You ho a near the food table. 19 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:05,880 Speaker 1: You pretend to be very interested in the playlist. You 20 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:10,040 Speaker 1: maybe grab a drink. You wait, You hope, You silently 21 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:13,640 Speaker 1: beg for someone, anyone to come rescue you from the 22 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:17,440 Speaker 1: invisible prison of standing there alone. And here's the part 23 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:20,360 Speaker 1: nobody says out loud. It's not that you don't know 24 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,960 Speaker 1: how to talk to people. You've talked to people your 25 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:26,360 Speaker 1: entire life. You'll fine one on one. You're fine with 26 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:30,000 Speaker 1: your friends. You can be funny, warm, interesting. But something 27 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:33,319 Speaker 1: about walking into a room full of strangers flips the 28 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:36,600 Speaker 1: switch in your brain that turns you into a completely 29 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:41,080 Speaker 1: different person, a smaller person, a quieter person, a person 30 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:44,520 Speaker 1: who suddenly can't remember what they even like to talk about. 31 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:48,160 Speaker 1: I want you to know something. That experience is not 32 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:53,760 Speaker 1: a personality flaw. It's not introversion, it's not social anxiety. 33 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:58,080 Speaker 1: In most cases, it's biology. It's your nervous system running 34 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:02,240 Speaker 1: a very old, very powerful program that was designed to 35 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:05,520 Speaker 1: keep you alive, and it's firing in a situation where 36 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:08,919 Speaker 1: your life is not actually in danger. By the end 37 00:02:08,919 --> 00:02:11,839 Speaker 1: of this video, I'm going to break down exactly what's 38 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:14,280 Speaker 1: happening in your brain and body when you walk into 39 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:17,320 Speaker 1: that room. And then I'm going to give you seven 40 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:22,200 Speaker 1: simple shifts, not tricks, not manipulation, not power poses in 41 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:27,200 Speaker 1: the bathroom, seven evidence based shifts that fundamentally change your 42 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:31,160 Speaker 1: experience of social settings. Shifts that make people want to 43 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:33,400 Speaker 1: come to you, talk to you, and share with you. 44 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:37,960 Speaker 1: Not because you performed confidence, but because you understand something 45 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:41,640 Speaker 1: about human connection that most people will go their entire 46 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:46,160 Speaker 1: lives without ever learning. Here's why your brain betrays you 47 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:49,000 Speaker 1: in a room full of strangers. Let's start with what's 48 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,720 Speaker 1: actually happening when you walk into that room and your 49 00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:54,880 Speaker 1: body starts doing things you didn't ask for. Your brain 50 00:02:54,919 --> 00:02:58,120 Speaker 1: has a structure called the amygdala. You've probably heard of it. 51 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:02,000 Speaker 1: It's your threat detection center. It's ancient, it's fast, and 52 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,840 Speaker 1: it doesn't care about context. It cares about survival. For 53 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:09,080 Speaker 1: the vast majority of human history, walking into a group 54 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:14,280 Speaker 1: of unfamiliar humans was genuinely dangerous. You didn't know their intentions, 55 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:17,119 Speaker 1: you didn't know the hierarchy. You didn't know if you'd 56 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:20,720 Speaker 1: be accepted or attacked. So you're a Migdala evolved a 57 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:25,080 Speaker 1: very simple protocol. When you encounter a group of strangers, 58 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:30,360 Speaker 1: assume threat until proven otherwise. Flood the body with cortisos 59 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:35,880 Speaker 1: and adrenaline, increase heart rate, titan muscles, narrow focus, prepare 60 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:41,000 Speaker 1: to fight, flee, or freeze. That freeze response is what's 61 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:44,880 Speaker 1: actually happening when you walk into a party and suddenly 62 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:48,920 Speaker 1: can't think or have anything to say. Your prefrontal cortex, 63 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:52,240 Speaker 1: the part of your brain that handles language, creativity, humor, 64 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:56,360 Speaker 1: and social fluency, gets partially shut down when you're a 65 00:03:56,440 --> 00:04:01,160 Speaker 1: migdala is in threat mode. Dr amy Ansten at Yale 66 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:05,360 Speaker 1: School of Medicine has published extensive research showing that even 67 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:11,280 Speaker 1: moderate stress hormones impair prefrontal function. You literally become less articulate, 68 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:15,960 Speaker 1: less creative, and less socially intelligent when you're anxious. So 69 00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:19,520 Speaker 1: here's the irony. The moment you need your social skills 70 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:23,000 Speaker 1: the most. Walking into a room full of strangers is 71 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:26,960 Speaker 1: the exact moment your brain takes those skills offline. But 72 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:31,080 Speaker 1: it goes deeper than you' amygdala. Doctor Naomi Eisenberger at 73 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:36,360 Speaker 1: UCLA ran a groundbreaking study using fMRI brain scanning where 74 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:40,160 Speaker 1: participants played a simple ball tossing game and were then 75 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:43,359 Speaker 1: excluded from the game by the other players. What she 76 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:47,640 Speaker 1: found changed how we understand social pain. The brain regions 77 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:52,200 Speaker 1: that activated during social exclusion were the same regions that 78 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:57,760 Speaker 1: activate during physical pain. Your brain processes social rejection using 79 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:01,360 Speaker 1: the same neural hardware it uses. Is for a broken bone. 80 00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:05,120 Speaker 1: This is a metaphor, this is measurement, and it explains 81 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:07,800 Speaker 1: why walking into a room where you might not belong 82 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:12,160 Speaker 1: feel so viscerally awful. Your brain is treating the possibility 83 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:16,880 Speaker 1: of social exclusion as a physical threat because for our ancestors, 84 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:20,960 Speaker 1: it was being excluded from the group. Didn't hurt your feelings, 85 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:24,479 Speaker 1: it killed you. You couldn't survive alone. On the Savannah, 86 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:27,920 Speaker 1: exile was a death sentence. So when you walk into 87 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,279 Speaker 1: that room and your body tidens up and your mind 88 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:34,240 Speaker 1: goes blank, your brain is not broken. It's doing exactly 89 00:05:34,279 --> 00:05:37,160 Speaker 1: what it was designed to do. It's just doing it 90 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:40,400 Speaker 1: in a context where the threat isn't real. Does that 91 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:44,440 Speaker 1: make sense? Now? How do we work with this biology 92 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:49,360 Speaker 1: instead of against it? Shift Number one. Arrive with an intention, 93 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:53,600 Speaker 1: not an expectation. Here's what most people do before they 94 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:57,280 Speaker 1: walk into a social setting. They set an expectation. I'm 95 00:05:57,279 --> 00:05:59,960 Speaker 1: going to meet some cool people tonight. This is gonna 96 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,920 Speaker 1: be the worst night ever. No one's gonna talk to me. 97 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:05,760 Speaker 1: I'm gonna make a good impression. I don't know if 98 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,600 Speaker 1: I'll connect with anyone. And those expectations, if they're positive, 99 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:14,440 Speaker 1: feel motivating. For about eleven seconds until you walk in 100 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:17,919 Speaker 1: and the room doesn't cooperate with your plan. Nobody approaches you. 101 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:21,520 Speaker 1: The first conversation is awkward. The confident version of you 102 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:25,320 Speaker 1: doesn't show up on Q. Now you've failed. Not actually, 103 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:28,479 Speaker 1: but in your brain's accounting system, you set a target, 104 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,520 Speaker 1: missed it, and the moment your brain registers that gap 105 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:35,839 Speaker 1: between expectation and reality, it releases a drop in dopamine 106 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:41,159 Speaker 1: that neuroscientists call a negative prediction error. Doctor Schultz. Research 107 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:45,320 Speaker 1: at Cambridge on dopamine's signaling shows that when reality fall 108 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:50,520 Speaker 1: short of expectation, dopamine levels dip below baseline. You don't 109 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:53,400 Speaker 1: just feel neutral, you feel worse than if you'd had 110 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:57,440 Speaker 1: no expectation at all. This is why just be confident 111 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:03,000 Speaker 1: is such catastrophically bad advice. It sets an expectation that 112 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:07,760 Speaker 1: when I'm met neurochemically punishes you. Here's what works. Instead, 113 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:12,520 Speaker 1: replace the expectation with an intention. And intention is not 114 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:17,320 Speaker 1: a target, it's a direction. My intention tonight is to 115 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:22,000 Speaker 1: be genuinely curious about one person. My intention is to 116 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:27,040 Speaker 1: make someone feel noticed. My intention is to enjoy one 117 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:31,800 Speaker 1: real conversation. I have used this in countless events since 118 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:34,960 Speaker 1: I moved to America. Since I moved to LA and 119 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,560 Speaker 1: I walk into these rooms and feel this way all 120 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:40,960 Speaker 1: the time. My intention has been to find one person 121 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 1: to have a deep, meaningful, fun conversation with, and it 122 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:48,640 Speaker 1: has changed my experience. The difference is that an intention 123 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:53,080 Speaker 1: can't fail. There's no gap between what you planned and 124 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:57,400 Speaker 1: what happened, because the intention lives in your behavior, not 125 00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:01,920 Speaker 1: in the outcome. Walk in with a direction, not a destination. 126 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:07,280 Speaker 1: Your brain stops scanning for failure and start scanning for opportunities. 127 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:11,720 Speaker 1: Shift to be the first to give safety. There's a 128 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:15,640 Speaker 1: reason certain people are magnetic in social settings, and it's 129 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: not what you think. It's not charisma, it's not attractiveness, 130 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:24,960 Speaker 1: it's not status. It's safety. Dr Stephen Porge's polyvagal theory, 131 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:29,240 Speaker 1: one of the most important frameworks in modern neuroscience, explains 132 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:34,720 Speaker 1: that the human nervous system is constantly unconsciously evaluating other 133 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:39,680 Speaker 1: people through a process he calls neuroception. Before you say 134 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:43,280 Speaker 1: a single word to someone, before you even make eye contact, 135 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:47,040 Speaker 1: their nervous system has already made a judgment about you, 136 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:52,160 Speaker 1: safe or unsafe. And here's what determines that judgment. It's 137 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:57,640 Speaker 1: not your words, it's your physiology. Genuine eye contact, not staring, 138 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:02,880 Speaker 1: but warm. Intermittent eye contact signal safety. An authentic smile, 139 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:07,400 Speaker 1: one that engages the muscles around the eyes signal safety. 140 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:13,040 Speaker 1: Open body language, uncrossed arms, visible palms, a relaxed posture 141 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:19,120 Speaker 1: signal safety. A regulated calm nervous system signal safety to 142 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:24,439 Speaker 1: other nervous systems do. Dr Porge's research shows that humans coregulate. 143 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:29,280 Speaker 1: Your nervous system state is literally contagious. When you approach 144 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,319 Speaker 1: someone and your body is tense, your breathing a shallow, 145 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,720 Speaker 1: and your eyes are darting around the room, their nervous 146 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:39,240 Speaker 1: system picks up on that tension and mirrors it. They 147 00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:42,520 Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable around you and they don't know why. But 148 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,480 Speaker 1: when you approach someone in a state of genuine calm, 149 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:51,240 Speaker 1: regulated breathing, relax shoulders, easy eye contact, their nervous system 150 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:56,000 Speaker 1: reads yours and downregulates in response. They feel comfortable around 151 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,640 Speaker 1: you and they don't know why. This is why the 152 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:04,600 Speaker 1: advice to fail make confidence backfires. People don't read your words, 153 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:08,720 Speaker 1: They read your nervous system, and you can't fake a 154 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:13,200 Speaker 1: regulated nervous system. What you can do is actually regulate it. 155 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:18,000 Speaker 1: Before you walk into any social setting, take ninety seconds 156 00:10:18,559 --> 00:10:22,480 Speaker 1: breathe in for four counts and out for six. The 157 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:27,200 Speaker 1: extended exhale activates your vagus nerve, which shifts your autonomic 158 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:33,040 Speaker 1: nervous system from sympathetic activation fight or flight into parasympathetic mode, 159 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:36,520 Speaker 1: rest and connect. This isn't a breathing exercise to calm 160 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:40,760 Speaker 1: your thoughts. It's a physiological intervention that changes what your 161 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:44,760 Speaker 1: body is broadcasting to every person in the room. The 162 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:48,640 Speaker 1: next time you feel socially anxious, remember this. You don't 163 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:53,800 Speaker 1: attract people by being confident. You attract people by being 164 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:57,199 Speaker 1: the safest nervous system in the room. You don't attract 165 00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:03,720 Speaker 1: people by faking confidence people by being present fully without 166 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:07,480 Speaker 1: looking over their shoulder for someone better. You don't attract 167 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:11,800 Speaker 1: people by pretending to be confident. You attract people by 168 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:15,080 Speaker 1: making them feel like they don't have to be. You 169 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:18,920 Speaker 1: don't attract people by being confident. You attract people by 170 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,440 Speaker 1: listening like you actually care, not like you're waiting for 171 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:26,120 Speaker 1: your turn. You don't attract people by being confident. You 172 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:29,720 Speaker 1: attract people by being the first person all night who 173 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:33,400 Speaker 1: didn't make them feel like a transaction. You don't attract 174 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:36,560 Speaker 1: people by being confident. You attract people by being the 175 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:40,480 Speaker 1: person who made them feel interesting instead of trying to 176 00:11:40,480 --> 00:12:05,679 Speaker 1: be interesting yourself shift three. Stop trying to be interesting, 177 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:10,160 Speaker 1: be interested. This single shift will change your social life 178 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:13,520 Speaker 1: more than anything else on this list. Most people walk 179 00:12:13,559 --> 00:12:16,400 Speaker 1: into a room trying to be interesting, trying to have 180 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:20,080 Speaker 1: the right story, the clever comment, the impressive answer to 181 00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:22,720 Speaker 1: so what do you do, and the pressure of that 182 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:27,480 Speaker 1: performance is exactly what creates the anxiety to self monitoring 183 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,680 Speaker 1: and the blank mind freeze we talked about earlier. Here's 184 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,880 Speaker 1: the science that should liberate you from that pressure forever. 185 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:37,800 Speaker 1: A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social 186 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:42,559 Speaker 1: Psychology at Harvard Business School found that the single strongest 187 00:12:42,559 --> 00:12:46,640 Speaker 1: predictor of being liked in a first conversation was not 188 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:51,440 Speaker 1: how interesting, funny, or impressive the person was. It was 189 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:56,400 Speaker 1: how many follow up questions they asked, Not just questions, 190 00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:00,240 Speaker 1: follow up questions, not trying to be funny, not trying 191 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,440 Speaker 1: to be smart, not trying to be clever or impressive, 192 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:07,520 Speaker 1: questions that proved you were actually listening. People who asked 193 00:13:07,559 --> 00:13:11,560 Speaker 1: more follow up questions were rated as significantly more likable, 194 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:16,760 Speaker 1: more competent, and more attractive across every context tested. The 195 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:22,600 Speaker 1: researchers called this the question asking penalty in reverse. People 196 00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:27,239 Speaker 1: consistently underestimate how much others enjoy being asked about themselves, 197 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,120 Speaker 1: and the neuroscience explains why. When someone asks you a 198 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:35,079 Speaker 1: genuine question about your experience and then follows up with curiosity, 199 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:40,000 Speaker 1: your brain releases dopamine and activates the medial prefrontal cortex, 200 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:44,320 Speaker 1: the same region associated with reward and self relevant processing. 201 00:13:44,679 --> 00:13:48,600 Speaker 1: Doctor Jason Mitchell at Harvard found that talking about yourself 202 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:53,040 Speaker 1: activates the brain's reward centers to a degree comparable to 203 00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:57,960 Speaker 1: food and money, not similar to comparable to When you 204 00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:01,240 Speaker 1: ask someone a genuine question and then actually listen, not 205 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,880 Speaker 1: listening while planning what you're going to say next, but 206 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:08,120 Speaker 1: actually listen and follow the thread. You're giving their brain 207 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:13,280 Speaker 1: a neurochemical reward. You become associated with that reward. They 208 00:14:13,559 --> 00:14:16,680 Speaker 1: like you not because you performed, because you gave them 209 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:20,840 Speaker 1: something almost nobody gives them the feeling of being truly heard. 210 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:25,640 Speaker 1: The practical shift is this walk into every conversation with 211 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:28,680 Speaker 1: the goal of finding out one thing about this person 212 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:33,200 Speaker 1: that you didn't expect, something that surprises you. This reframes 213 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,480 Speaker 1: the entire interaction from how do I come across? To 214 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:39,440 Speaker 1: what can I discover? It takes the spotlight off you, 215 00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:43,040 Speaker 1: which is where your anxiety lives, and puts it on them, 216 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:47,400 Speaker 1: which is where connection lives. Stop trying to be the 217 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:51,000 Speaker 1: most interesting person in the room, because nobody remembers the 218 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:54,440 Speaker 1: person who had the best story. They remember the person 219 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:58,000 Speaker 1: who made them feel heard. The person who asked one 220 00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:01,440 Speaker 1: real question and then act actually listened to the answer, 221 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:07,040 Speaker 1: not listened while loading their next sentence, actually listened. You 222 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:10,160 Speaker 1: don't need better things to say, You need fewer things 223 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:14,000 Speaker 1: to say and more willingness to hear. The most magnetic 224 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:17,800 Speaker 1: person in any room is never the one talking. It's 225 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,480 Speaker 1: the one making someone else feel like the only person 226 00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:25,640 Speaker 1: in it. Shift number four, Master the art of the 227 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:30,880 Speaker 1: first ten seconds. Here's an uncomfortable statistic. Research from Princeton's 228 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:35,760 Speaker 1: psychologist doctor Janine Wills and doctor Alexander Toddov found that 229 00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:39,840 Speaker 1: people form first impressions in one tenth of a second 230 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:44,200 Speaker 1: one tenth. God, we are so judgmental, and subsequent research 231 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:48,440 Speaker 1: showed that impressions formed in longer time frames, even up 232 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:53,160 Speaker 1: to several minutes, didn't differ meaningfully from those snap judgments 233 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:56,040 Speaker 1: we made earlier. In other words, people decide what they 234 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,960 Speaker 1: think of you almost instantly, and then spend the rest 235 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:02,000 Speaker 1: of the intrusian looking for evidence that confirms what they 236 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:05,000 Speaker 1: already decided. Now before that makes you more anxious, I 237 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,760 Speaker 1: get it. Here's why it should actually set you free. 238 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:11,520 Speaker 1: The impression isn't based on what you say. You can't 239 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,760 Speaker 1: say anything meaningful in a tenth of a second, by 240 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,800 Speaker 1: the way, neither can I, none of us can. It's 241 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:20,360 Speaker 1: based on three things. Your facial expression, your body orientation, 242 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:24,120 Speaker 1: and your energy. So here's what the first ten seconds 243 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:28,040 Speaker 1: could look like. Not a rehearsal line, not a clever opener. 244 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:32,920 Speaker 1: Three things. One genuine eye contact before you speak, not 245 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:39,280 Speaker 1: after before this signal's presence. Two a genuine smile, not 246 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:41,960 Speaker 1: a performance smile, but the kind way your eyes change. 247 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:46,080 Speaker 1: And three aren't your body fully toward them, not sideways, 248 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:50,760 Speaker 1: not half turned, fully facing. This is a nonverbal signal that, 249 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:54,360 Speaker 1: in the language of evolutionary psychology, says you have my 250 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:58,240 Speaker 1: complete attention. You are not a threat, and I'm not 251 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:01,720 Speaker 1: looking for someone better to talk talk to. Imagine someone 252 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,560 Speaker 1: did that to you. How many times if you talk 253 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:05,960 Speaker 1: to someone and someone's looking all around, They're looking behind you, 254 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,520 Speaker 1: They even looking at the screen up there, they're looking 255 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,920 Speaker 1: over it. Who just walked in? How does that make 256 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,840 Speaker 1: you feel? How about when someone's kind of turned away, 257 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,000 Speaker 1: you kind of feel like they don't want to be 258 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:19,399 Speaker 1: there and neither to you. These three things take no 259 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:23,359 Speaker 1: social skill, no charisma, no clever words, and actually what 260 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,240 Speaker 1: I love about them is they lead to real connection. 261 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:29,200 Speaker 1: You're not trying to walk out with the award for 262 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,360 Speaker 1: funniest person of the party. You're not trying to walk 263 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:36,040 Speaker 1: out with the medal for smartest person in the room. Hopefully, 264 00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,440 Speaker 1: you're trying to just connect with someone, make a friend, 265 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:41,479 Speaker 1: make a new connection. And there's a beautiful piece of 266 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:46,440 Speaker 1: research from Dr Arthur Aaron at Stonybrook University, the same 267 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,199 Speaker 1: researcher're behind the famous thirty six Questions to Fall in 268 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:54,800 Speaker 1: Love study, showing that sustained mutual eye contact between strangers 269 00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:59,480 Speaker 1: significantly increases feelings of closeness and affection even in the 270 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:04,000 Speaker 1: absence of conversation. Eye contact isn't a social nicety, it's 271 00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:07,879 Speaker 1: a bonding mechanism. It triggers oxytocin release. It tells the 272 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:11,040 Speaker 1: other person's brain. You exist to me, obviously, don't stare 273 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:14,359 Speaker 1: at them like a creep. I'm not recommending that shift five. 274 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:18,560 Speaker 1: Use the power of proximity and positioning. This one is 275 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,000 Speaker 1: going to sound too simple, and then I'm going to 276 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,120 Speaker 1: give you the science and you're going to realize it's 277 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:26,520 Speaker 1: one of the most powerful social tools that exists. In 278 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:31,199 Speaker 1: the nineteen fifties, social psychologists doctor Leon Festinger and doctor 279 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:36,439 Speaker 1: Stanley's Shackter and doctor Kirk Back studied friendship formation in 280 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:39,520 Speaker 1: a housing complex at MIT. They wanted to know what 281 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:44,119 Speaker 1: predicted who became friends. Was it shared interests, similar personalities, 282 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:49,040 Speaker 1: compatible backgrounds, None of those. The single strongest predictor of 283 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:54,040 Speaker 1: friendship formation was physical proximity. People who lived closer to 284 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:57,600 Speaker 1: the stairwell, meaning more people passed by their door, had 285 00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:01,000 Speaker 1: significantly more friends. People who lived next to each other 286 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,960 Speaker 1: were far more likely to become closer friends than people 287 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,840 Speaker 1: who lived even two doors apart. They called this the 288 00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:11,359 Speaker 1: propinquity effect. Subsequent research has confirmed this over and over. 289 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:15,400 Speaker 1: Doctor Scott Beach and doctor Richard Moreland at the University 290 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,639 Speaker 1: of Pittsburgh ran a study where they had research assistants 291 00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:23,600 Speaker 1: attend a large university class. Some attended zero times, some 292 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:27,480 Speaker 1: attended five times, some attended ten times, some attended fifteen. 293 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:32,119 Speaker 1: The assistants never spoke to anyone, never interacted, just showed 294 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,680 Speaker 1: up and sat there. At the end of the semester, 295 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:38,160 Speaker 1: students were shown photos and asked to rate these people 296 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:43,399 Speaker 1: on attractiveness, likability, and similarity to themselves. The assistants who 297 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:48,160 Speaker 1: had attended more classes were rated as significantly more likable 298 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:52,679 Speaker 1: and attractive without ever having spoken a word. This is 299 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:59,240 Speaker 1: called the mere exposure effect. Your brain equates familiarity with safety. 300 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:03,320 Speaker 1: There you see someone, the more your nervous system categorizes 301 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,720 Speaker 1: them as non threatening, and the more positively you feel 302 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:10,640 Speaker 1: about them. So what does this mean? Practically, stop hiding 303 00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:13,760 Speaker 1: in the corner of the room. Stop positioning yourself at 304 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:16,440 Speaker 1: the edges right you're standing there hoping that maybe one 305 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:18,520 Speaker 1: person passes and talks to you. Someone might have to 306 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:21,119 Speaker 1: see you seven times before you spark up a conversation. 307 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:25,760 Speaker 1: Place yourself in the flow path, near the entrance, near 308 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:29,240 Speaker 1: the drinks, near the place where people naturally congregate or 309 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:33,199 Speaker 1: pass through. You don't need to approach anyone. Just be visible, smile, 310 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:36,320 Speaker 1: make eye contact, be in the path of traffic, make 311 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:39,320 Speaker 1: yourself easy to encounter. And if there's a setting you 312 00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:42,639 Speaker 1: attend regularly a gym, a coffee shop, a coworking space, 313 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:46,399 Speaker 1: of class, the single most powerful social strategy is just 314 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:50,760 Speaker 1: showing up consistently, not performing, not doing something big or memorable, 315 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,639 Speaker 1: just being there. The mere exposure effect will do the 316 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:57,800 Speaker 1: heavy lifting. People will feel like they know you before 317 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,879 Speaker 1: you've ever spoken, and then when the conversation eventually happens, 318 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,720 Speaker 1: and it will, it will feel easier, not because you 319 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:07,600 Speaker 1: engineered it, but because their brain already decided you're familiar 320 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:11,920 Speaker 1: and safe. Stop trying to be memorable, Just be present 321 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:15,320 Speaker 1: again and again. Shift number six. I'm really glad you're 322 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,879 Speaker 1: still here, because this one is huge and will make 323 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:22,560 Speaker 1: such a difference. Give people a role. This is one 324 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:25,160 Speaker 1: of the most overlooked and most powerful tools in human connection, 325 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:28,960 Speaker 1: and almost nobody ever talks about it. Someone walks into 326 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,639 Speaker 1: a social setting, they're dealing with the same thing you are, 327 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:35,720 Speaker 1: by the way, uncertainty, ambiguity, feeling lonely. They don't know 328 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,919 Speaker 1: what to do, they don't know where they fit, they 329 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:42,080 Speaker 1: don't know what their role is. And ambiguity neurologically is 330 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:47,760 Speaker 1: deeply uncomfortable, the brain craves coherence. Research on cognitive closure 331 00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:51,000 Speaker 1: at the University of Maryland shows that human beings have 332 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:54,679 Speaker 1: a fundamental need to resolve uncertainty. We want to know 333 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,399 Speaker 1: where we stand, what's expected, and what part we play. 334 00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:00,600 Speaker 1: When you give someone a role, you resolve that ambiguity 335 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,399 Speaker 1: for them, and the relief is so powerful that it 336 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:07,080 Speaker 1: creates an instant bond. This sounds abstract, so let me 337 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:10,359 Speaker 1: make it concrete. You walk into a party and you 338 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:14,200 Speaker 1: see someone standing alone. Instead of the generic Hey, how 339 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,680 Speaker 1: do you know the host? Which puts the entire burden 340 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:19,800 Speaker 1: of conversation on a stranger with no direction. Try this. 341 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:21,880 Speaker 1: I just got here and I don't know what I'm 342 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,960 Speaker 1: doing yet. You look like you've been here long enough 343 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:26,520 Speaker 1: to know what's good. What should I try first? You 344 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:29,080 Speaker 1: just gave them a role. They're your guide, They're the expert. 345 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:32,520 Speaker 1: They went from ambiguous stranger with no function to helpful 346 00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:36,160 Speaker 1: insider with the purpose. Watch how their posture changes, Watch 347 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,119 Speaker 1: how their face opens up. By the way, I was 348 00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:40,400 Speaker 1: going to an event the other night, bumped into someone 349 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:43,880 Speaker 1: in the elevator and we started talking, and my first 350 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:45,600 Speaker 1: question to them is like, hey, have you been to 351 00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:47,440 Speaker 1: this event before? And they were like, yeah, I've been here, 352 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:48,879 Speaker 1: I've been to this location. I was like, do you 353 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:50,560 Speaker 1: know where we're going? They're like, I know exactly where 354 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:51,880 Speaker 1: we're going. I was like, great, you're going to save 355 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,080 Speaker 1: me so much time and energy. Had a great conversation. 356 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:57,280 Speaker 1: I didn't compliment them, I didn't flatter them in that 357 00:22:57,359 --> 00:23:00,320 Speaker 1: interaction to start a conversation. I thanked them off towards, 358 00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:03,080 Speaker 1: of course, but we were able to give each other 359 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:06,600 Speaker 1: something much more valuable, a reason to be in this conversation. 360 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:10,240 Speaker 1: Doctor Adam Grant's research at Warton on the psychology of 361 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:14,639 Speaker 1: giving shows that people experience measurable increases in well being, 362 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:18,800 Speaker 1: self efficacy, and social bonding when they're in a position 363 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:23,680 Speaker 1: to help someone. Asking for a small recommendation, a small opinion, 364 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:27,560 Speaker 1: or a small piece of guidance activates what Grant calls 365 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:32,280 Speaker 1: the helper is high, a neurochemical reward for being useful. 366 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:36,080 Speaker 1: So stop trying to impress people. Give them a small role, 367 00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:39,439 Speaker 1: Ask for their recommendation, ask for their opinion, ask for 368 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:42,399 Speaker 1: their help. You're not being needy, You're giving them the 369 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:46,320 Speaker 1: thing every human being in an uncertain social setting is 370 00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:50,280 Speaker 1: silently hoping for a sense of purpose in this interaction, 371 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,080 Speaker 1: and guess what if they don't know any better, You 372 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:54,880 Speaker 1: now have something to laugh about the fact that you're 373 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:57,879 Speaker 1: both at this place and have no clue. Shift number seven. 374 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:02,600 Speaker 1: Leave before you're done. This last one is counterintuitive, and 375 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,760 Speaker 1: it will change how people think about you more than 376 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:08,480 Speaker 1: anything else. Most people stay in conversations too long, not 377 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:11,200 Speaker 1: because the conversation's great, but because they don't know how 378 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:14,080 Speaker 1: to leave without it being awkward, so they linger. The 379 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:16,879 Speaker 1: energy fades, the silences get longer. It's natural when you 380 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:20,000 Speaker 1: just met someone for the first time. The interaction dies 381 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,720 Speaker 1: slowly instead of ending well, and the memory the other 382 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:25,159 Speaker 1: person is left with is not the interesting thing you 383 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:28,640 Speaker 1: said at the beginning. It's the uncomfortable stalling at the end. 384 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:32,720 Speaker 1: There's a well documented phenomenon in psychology called the peak 385 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:37,399 Speaker 1: end rule, researched extensively by Nobel laureate doctor Daniel Carnman. 386 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:41,080 Speaker 1: It states that people judge and experience not by its entirety, 387 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:45,760 Speaker 1: but almost entirely by two moments, the most intense point 388 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:50,480 Speaker 1: and the final moment. That's it. People barely remember the beginning, 389 00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:55,240 Speaker 1: the peak, and the end. Everything in between fades. This 390 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:57,879 Speaker 1: means that a five minute conversation that ends on a 391 00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:01,240 Speaker 1: high note is remembered more fond than a twenty minute 392 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:05,600 Speaker 1: conversation that fizzles out. The length doesn't matter, the ending does. 393 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:08,879 Speaker 1: When you leave a conversation while it's still good, while 394 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:12,440 Speaker 1: there's still energy, still curiosity, still things unsaid, you become 395 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:15,560 Speaker 1: an unfinished loop in the other person's mind and in yours. 396 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:17,720 Speaker 1: They think about you more, you think about them more. 397 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:19,480 Speaker 1: You want to get together again. You want to find 398 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:22,119 Speaker 1: a way to connect, not because you manipulate them, but 399 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,520 Speaker 1: because the experience ended at a peak and their brain 400 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:27,920 Speaker 1: hasn't closed the file yet, and neither is yours. Here's 401 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:30,960 Speaker 1: how this looks practically. When the conversation hits a high point, 402 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:33,640 Speaker 1: a great laugh and interesting insight, a genuine moment of connection, 403 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:36,679 Speaker 1: that's your cue to land the plane, to say something 404 00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:39,840 Speaker 1: like I'm loving this conversation. I'm gonna go say hi 405 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:41,399 Speaker 1: to a few other people, but I really hope we 406 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:43,879 Speaker 1: get to finish this later. Or I could talk about 407 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,159 Speaker 1: this all night, but I promised myself i'd go say 408 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:47,800 Speaker 1: hello to a few people, but I definitely want to 409 00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:50,000 Speaker 1: come and find you later. You're still making sure that 410 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,760 Speaker 1: the other person you're grateful for their time, but you're 411 00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,560 Speaker 1: also getting an opportunity to reconnect later with that joy. 412 00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:58,280 Speaker 1: You've just done three things. You ended at the peak. 413 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,080 Speaker 1: You made them feel valued for their time and energy, 414 00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:03,760 Speaker 1: and you left an open loop for you to reconnect. 415 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:07,200 Speaker 1: People don't remember the person who talked to them the longest. 416 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:09,879 Speaker 1: They remember the person who made them feel the best 417 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:13,080 Speaker 1: in the shortest amount of time and then had the 418 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:16,440 Speaker 1: self awareness to walk away while it was still good. 419 00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:18,840 Speaker 1: That's not playing games. It's not trying to play hard 420 00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:22,919 Speaker 1: to get. It's understanding how connection works and how to 421 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:25,800 Speaker 1: respect what you've just created with someone. Let me tell 422 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,640 Speaker 1: you what's really happening underneath all seven of these shifts, 423 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:33,320 Speaker 1: because it's not seven separate strategies, it's one principle express 424 00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:37,280 Speaker 1: seven different ways. The principle is this, The person who 425 00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:40,680 Speaker 1: changes the room is never the person trying to get 426 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:44,920 Speaker 1: something from it. It's the person giving something to it. 427 00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:48,960 Speaker 1: When you arrive with an intention instead of an expectation, 428 00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:54,359 Speaker 1: you're giving yourself direction instead of demanding an outcome. None 429 00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:58,439 Speaker 1: of this is manipulation. Manipulation is trying to extract something 430 00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:01,639 Speaker 1: from someone. Everything I've done ascribed is about giving something 431 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:05,160 Speaker 1: first and trusting the connection to take care of itself. 432 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:09,040 Speaker 1: Social mastery isn't about what you project, It's about what 433 00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:11,800 Speaker 1: you create in the other person. I want to go 434 00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:14,440 Speaker 1: back to that moment at the beginning. You walking into 435 00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:16,800 Speaker 1: the room, chest tight, phone in hands, scanning for an 436 00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:19,800 Speaker 1: exit or a rescue. Now imagine walking into the same 437 00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:23,199 Speaker 1: room with a different operating system. You've taken ninety seconds 438 00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:26,080 Speaker 1: to regulate your breathing in the car. You've set an intention, 439 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:29,720 Speaker 1: not a performance target, just a direction. I'm gonna find 440 00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:31,880 Speaker 1: one person and make them feel like the most interesting 441 00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:34,800 Speaker 1: person in this room. You position yourself near the natural 442 00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:37,080 Speaker 1: flow of the room. You make eye contact with someone. 443 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:39,399 Speaker 1: You smile. Maybe you've got to do it seven times. 444 00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:42,760 Speaker 1: Your body's open. They walk over, or you say hi, 445 00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:47,520 Speaker 1: because it's a calm, approachable energy, a warm energy. You 446 00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:50,560 Speaker 1: ask them a genuine question, You listen, you follow up. 447 00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:52,680 Speaker 1: You give them a role. They give you a role 448 00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:55,080 Speaker 1: by the way, They're gonna ask you questions too, and 449 00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:57,120 Speaker 1: you've got to be willing to go there. You share 450 00:27:57,119 --> 00:28:00,200 Speaker 1: a real moment, and then while it's still good, you say, 451 00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:02,000 Speaker 1: I'm really glad I talk to you. I hope I 452 00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:05,200 Speaker 1: see you again tonight. You walk away, and then spend 453 00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:08,040 Speaker 1: the next thirty sixty minutes doing other things and then 454 00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:11,680 Speaker 1: hopefully reconnect with each other. Nothing about their required confidence, 455 00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:15,520 Speaker 1: nothing required charisma, nothing required being the funniest or most 456 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:18,760 Speaker 1: impressive person in the room. It required understanding how human 457 00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:23,280 Speaker 1: brains work, how nervous systems corregulate, how memory forms, how 458 00:28:23,359 --> 00:28:28,199 Speaker 1: connection actually happens beneath the performance most people think it requires. 459 00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:31,719 Speaker 1: You were never bad at talking to people. You were 460 00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:34,440 Speaker 1: just never taught that the goal is into talk. If 461 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:37,600 Speaker 1: you love this episode, you love my conversation with Simon Sinek, 462 00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:40,440 Speaker 1: where we dive into the real key to create meaningful 463 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:44,400 Speaker 1: connection and influence beyond numbers or followers. Disney, all of 464 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:48,800 Speaker 1: the characters are trained that when a little kid hugs you, 465 00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:51,200 Speaker 1: you may not let go until the kid let's go first. 466 00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:53,920 Speaker 1: You hug the kid as long as the kid wants 467 00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:54,520 Speaker 1: to hug you.