WEBVTT - Episode 10: Here Comes the Break 0:00:02.279 --> 0:00:05.080 I jump awake. It's a Saturday morning and I've got 0:00:05.160 --> 0:00:08.920 my next therapy appointment today. I'm actually excited for it. 0:00:09.280 --> 0:00:10.920 I want to talk about the breakthrough I had in 0:00:10.960 --> 0:00:18.800 my meditation the other night. Mom makes breakfast bacon, eggs, 0:00:18.840 --> 0:00:22.480 home fries, and grits, the whole nine, and after we eat, 0:00:23.000 --> 0:00:28.080 that drives me over to the therapist office. So how 0:00:28.120 --> 0:00:32.680 are things telling the truth? Things are going really well. 0:00:33.360 --> 0:00:35.080 We almost didn't have an artist to interview this week, 0:00:35.120 --> 0:00:36.760 but I reached out to this rapper I met during 0:00:36.800 --> 0:00:40.040 my so called antic episode and she's open to being 0:00:40.040 --> 0:00:43.279 a guest when I Seeson finale. M hm. And how 0:00:43.320 --> 0:00:47.400 are things with your parents? It's getting much better? Come 0:00:47.440 --> 0:00:50.479 our punishment next week. My parents agreed to fall back 0:00:50.520 --> 0:00:52.240 a bit so that I can join Marco and Janella 0:00:52.280 --> 0:00:54.600 the Black Lives Matter A really good for you. It 0:00:54.720 --> 0:00:57.120 must be nice to have things back to normal. Yeah, 0:00:58.120 --> 0:01:01.520 that's how it feels like like things are really coming together. 0:01:02.160 --> 0:01:03.520 And I know that a big part of that is 0:01:03.560 --> 0:01:06.440 just me getting out of my own way. I had 0:01:06.480 --> 0:01:08.440 to let go up the pass and stop fearing the future. 0:01:08.840 --> 0:01:12.760 You know, there's no time like the president exactly. Honestly, 0:01:13.000 --> 0:01:14.880 I'm not trying to sound all deep, but I had 0:01:14.880 --> 0:01:17.640 a break tough meditate it. Oh you meditate. You haven't 0:01:17.640 --> 0:01:20.800 mentioned that to you before. Honestly, I could never even 0:01:20.840 --> 0:01:23.399 sit for ten minutes before. I don't exactly go around 0:01:23.400 --> 0:01:26.319 advertising it. I was inspired by stick from dead prayers. 0:01:27.280 --> 0:01:29.759 I started off meditating for just five minutes at a time, 0:01:30.200 --> 0:01:32.839 you know, as a way to manage anxiety. I always 0:01:32.840 --> 0:01:35.480 felt anty and ended up fixating on one train of 0:01:35.520 --> 0:01:38.520 thought or another. But the other night, it was wild. 0:01:39.160 --> 0:01:41.000 I was letting all these starts and feelings just well 0:01:41.080 --> 0:01:42.920 up and passed through me, and it was like I 0:01:42.920 --> 0:01:45.119 could feel pins and needles rising up through my body. 0:01:46.200 --> 0:01:51.440 It was like my my shockers were opening up. Ship. 0:01:51.560 --> 0:01:55.160 That sounds just like Janell. Wow, Wow, that does sound 0:01:55.200 --> 0:01:59.000 like quite a breakthrough. Does Janelle meditate too? You said 0:01:59.080 --> 0:02:02.600 she's into mindful as practices, right, Yeah, you should ask 0:02:02.640 --> 0:02:04.760 her to meditate with you. Maybe you can build up 0:02:04.800 --> 0:02:08.040 your sitting time together. So really good, I do. That's 0:02:08.040 --> 0:02:11.120 what I'm here for. We're going to talk about my 0:02:11.160 --> 0:02:13.519 anxiety and how it settled down over the last few weeks. 0:02:14.000 --> 0:02:15.840 But then he kind of warns me that dis floating 0:02:15.840 --> 0:02:19.000 on air filling can be a sign of hypomania. It's 0:02:19.080 --> 0:02:22.160 kind of a sort of high energy early stage of 0:02:22.200 --> 0:02:26.000 mania that feels really good and confidence boosting, bucking signal 0:02:26.000 --> 0:02:30.960 a coming episode. Considering my recent behavior, I should keep 0:02:30.960 --> 0:02:32.639 an eye on it and note if I feel too 0:02:32.680 --> 0:02:37.200 damn excited or distracted. If it's not one thing, it's another. 0:02:38.040 --> 0:02:40.919 But you know what, not even more diagnosis talk could 0:02:40.960 --> 0:02:43.360 get me down right now. I've been through the break 0:02:43.400 --> 0:03:06.919 now and I'm on the other side ship. I jump 0:03:07.000 --> 0:03:09.520 up in bed, drenched and sweat. I almost slept through 0:03:09.560 --> 0:03:13.040 my alarm. Today's the big day, the interview after school, 0:03:13.080 --> 0:03:15.280 and then the bl M rally tonight. I meant to 0:03:15.280 --> 0:03:16.920 go to good night's sleep, but I ended up staying 0:03:16.919 --> 0:03:19.640 awake until four ADM, prepping my questions and watching Elliott 0:03:19.639 --> 0:03:22.240 Wilson interviews. What was I dreaming about to have me 0:03:22.280 --> 0:03:25.480 waking in the panic attack, I don't even remember. It 0:03:25.560 --> 0:03:28.679 was some kind of searching dream I was lost in 0:03:29.080 --> 0:03:31.919 looking for my friends and family. Maybe he was about 0:03:31.919 --> 0:03:34.720 having feeling this past month. I leaped by the bed 0:03:34.800 --> 0:03:37.560 and start gathering my stuff for school. It text me 0:03:37.600 --> 0:03:40.640 a minutes even realized that I still did get up 0:03:40.640 --> 0:03:45.680 with my alarm. I'm not running late. I don't have 0:03:45.720 --> 0:03:53.880 to rush through all this. I sit in an upright 0:03:53.880 --> 0:03:56.280 position on my bed with my feet planning on the floor. 0:03:57.280 --> 0:04:05.440 I'm still I'll take a couple of deep rests. I 0:04:05.520 --> 0:04:07.880 inhale and make sure my stomach expands like I'm filling 0:04:07.880 --> 0:04:10.960 the bloom with air. And then I exhale and my 0:04:11.000 --> 0:04:14.280 stomach starts to expand like I'm deflating a balloon. I 0:04:14.400 --> 0:04:17.920 confront the anxiety attack head on and it begins to fade. 0:04:18.440 --> 0:04:23.520 But even as it recedes, I still feel frustrated with myself. Damn. 0:04:23.880 --> 0:04:28.000 This is what my therapist was talking about the other day, hypomania. 0:04:28.600 --> 0:04:31.480 I've been writing so high, I've been agitated, haven't been 0:04:31.480 --> 0:04:35.040 sleeping right, and now I'm waking up in cold sweats, 0:04:35.240 --> 0:04:36.960 and my lack of sleep has impacted me on my 0:04:37.040 --> 0:04:42.160 busiest day since well since viral villa him off balance 0:04:42.839 --> 0:04:46.560 on edge. My mood is starting to swing. It's exhilarating 0:04:46.560 --> 0:04:48.240 to stop and become aware of my mood and control 0:04:48.279 --> 0:04:52.600 my emotions so clearly cognitive behavioral therapy, my therapist calls it. 0:04:53.400 --> 0:04:55.720 But it's worrying in me too that this part of 0:04:55.760 --> 0:04:58.680 my potential bipolar diagnosis is fit the pattern of my 0:04:58.720 --> 0:05:04.200 recent behavior so well. Either way, I take another deep 0:05:04.200 --> 0:05:06.040 breath and remind myself that I don't have to worry 0:05:06.040 --> 0:05:10.839 about that, I don't have to pathologize my behavior. It's 0:05:10.880 --> 0:05:13.040 like when I went to the villa. On some level, 0:05:13.080 --> 0:05:15.160 I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I 0:05:15.200 --> 0:05:18.760 did it anyway and accepted the consequences. And even if 0:05:18.800 --> 0:05:20.480 it might have been a manic break it was a 0:05:20.520 --> 0:05:23.719 personal breakthrough for me too. Both things can be true. 0:05:24.160 --> 0:05:26.200 I have a level of confidence that I didn't have before. 0:05:27.120 --> 0:05:28.599 I know that my parents just wanted me to be 0:05:28.640 --> 0:05:30.800 honest with them, and my friends just wanted me to 0:05:30.800 --> 0:05:34.200 stay humble. Now that I've claimed my power, that's what 0:05:34.279 --> 0:05:39.800 I need to focus on, staying honest and humble. That 0:05:40.160 --> 0:05:57.159 and chugg an extra large coffee. I'm feeling more centered again. 0:05:57.800 --> 0:06:00.520 I head downstairs for breakfast and pounding that coffee, then 0:06:00.560 --> 0:06:02.000 make my way out of the house and down to 0:06:02.040 --> 0:06:04.680 the subway station and head to book a t. When 0:06:04.680 --> 0:06:07.000 I get to school and walk into the busy hallway, 0:06:07.360 --> 0:06:09.880 it's like a jot of adrenaline. All the energy of 0:06:09.920 --> 0:06:13.040 everybody bustling around wakes me up properly, even more than 0:06:13.040 --> 0:06:15.800 the coffee deal. This is the day Janelle and I 0:06:15.920 --> 0:06:17.960 present here comes to break is our class project to 0:06:18.000 --> 0:06:20.320 Audio Lab. I should have thought of that in my 0:06:20.320 --> 0:06:23.000 panic this morning. Keep your grades did. If you're trying 0:06:23.000 --> 0:06:26.000 to convince your parents that you got your life, figure 0:06:26.000 --> 0:06:30.960 it out. Keep your grades decent, and then they'll believe you. 0:06:31.040 --> 0:06:34.080 They'll believe me, I promise. I feel a pang of guilt, 0:06:34.760 --> 0:06:39.080 but it subsides quickly. The truth is this particular grade 0:06:39.400 --> 0:06:43.400 is for the podcast, and that's going great. I've got 0:06:43.440 --> 0:06:47.200 nothing to worry about. We're gonna kick ass. And that's 0:06:47.240 --> 0:06:51.360 exactly what we do. When we present to the class, 0:06:51.760 --> 0:06:56.240 we explained the podcast format, content business model. Class already 0:06:56.240 --> 0:06:58.400 knows the score. The word of the pot has been 0:06:58.400 --> 0:07:01.279 spreading around school for months now, but our teacher is 0:07:01.440 --> 0:07:04.800 very impressed. Our progress supports didn't go into details about 0:07:04.800 --> 0:07:08.200 our listenership. There were more about the technical side of things, 0:07:08.279 --> 0:07:12.400 so this is news to her. Then Janelle talks about 0:07:12.400 --> 0:07:16.680 our editorial stance, our questions about the artistic process, self care, 0:07:16.800 --> 0:07:19.920 and social activism, and she catches me by surprise by 0:07:19.920 --> 0:07:21.680 suggesting to the class that we're reaching the point of 0:07:21.680 --> 0:07:26.280 signing ad sponsors. That's a turnaround from last week. Shoot 0:07:26.280 --> 0:07:28.240 her an impressed glance, and she flashes me one of 0:07:28.280 --> 0:07:34.720 those winning smiles. After the presentation, the rest of the 0:07:34.800 --> 0:07:37.840 day flies by. When the final bell rings, Danilla and 0:07:37.840 --> 0:07:39.520 I meet up at the audio lab, and just like 0:07:39.600 --> 0:07:42.040 last week, Marco joins us with time left over before 0:07:42.080 --> 0:07:50.320 the interview starts Avengers as symbol. Damn, bro, do you 0:07:50.400 --> 0:07:53.000 even stay at school to the closing bell anymore? You 0:07:53.080 --> 0:07:55.280 got here fast? Do you really think that I would 0:07:55.280 --> 0:07:58.440 sacrifice my public school education to visit this booge institution 0:07:58.520 --> 0:08:02.800 you called school. I've got hometown broad Okay, we have 0:08:02.840 --> 0:08:04.680 a few minutes before we're supposed to be online with 0:08:04.720 --> 0:08:08.360 oom bus, so let's talk about these adds again. Settle 0:08:08.440 --> 0:08:10.760 into my chair behind the mic while Marco leans against 0:08:10.760 --> 0:08:14.520 the door. I'll just say it, you guys were right. 0:08:15.000 --> 0:08:17.360 I have a lot of ideas, and I was enthusiastic 0:08:17.440 --> 0:08:21.000 only about working with sponsors who prioritize the environment, the 0:08:21.040 --> 0:08:24.280 ship that really matters. However, I know we're just starting 0:08:24.280 --> 0:08:26.560 out and going the equal friendly route can be limiting. 0:08:26.880 --> 0:08:28.640 I was just thinking of the pod and the contents 0:08:28.640 --> 0:08:31.200 of the Class Project. Grooveen and I were doing focused 0:08:31.200 --> 0:08:34.719 on that ideal presentation. But the class project is done 0:08:34.720 --> 0:08:37.960 and we have to keep moving forward. Girl, you always 0:08:37.960 --> 0:08:40.320 say the right thing. I'm gonna get us a great 0:08:40.360 --> 0:08:43.479 sponsor and we'll incorporate the ads into all our existing episodes. 0:08:43.920 --> 0:08:47.480 We're blowing up. Damn the way Janelle is able to 0:08:47.480 --> 0:08:51.560 be so open minded and embrace change. I'm constantly overwhelmed 0:08:51.600 --> 0:08:53.640 by all the other ships I got going on. I 0:08:53.720 --> 0:08:56.200 make a mental note to ask relator about meditating together, 0:08:56.240 --> 0:08:59.240 like my therapist suggested, And just then a window lights 0:08:59.280 --> 0:09:02.439 up on Janell's can. Peter at the board ship looks 0:09:02.440 --> 0:09:05.240 like oops calling in early. Janelle turns around the face 0:09:05.280 --> 0:09:08.440 her workstation, and Marcop quiets down. I adjust my mic 0:09:08.480 --> 0:09:10.440 can get ready for our last interview of the season. 0:09:11.240 --> 0:09:18.760 Let's do this, okay? Bringing up online in three two one? 0:09:22.360 --> 0:09:25.240 So my first question is, in an industry that's constantly 0:09:25.240 --> 0:09:27.920 trying to define artists in your own words, can you 0:09:27.960 --> 0:09:32.240 tell our listeners who is? Oh is I am? The 0:09:32.280 --> 0:09:36.720 person is from Roxbury? I'm an artist, Auntie and sister 0:09:37.080 --> 0:09:40.200 a friend. I'm an artist, you know, I think it 0:09:40.240 --> 0:09:42.680 and feel it and I make it and I'm unafraid 0:09:42.720 --> 0:09:45.839 to do so I think that's who I am. Roll. 0:09:46.120 --> 0:09:48.200 But we only just met recently, but in my research, 0:09:48.240 --> 0:09:50.800 I know you from your work and poetry, slam poetry. 0:09:51.480 --> 0:09:54.200 Also I look at you like, I guess, like a 0:09:54.240 --> 0:09:56.800 community leader. Like when I think of artists from Boston, 0:09:57.280 --> 0:09:59.200 you're just one of those individuals that I can't say 0:09:59.200 --> 0:10:02.839 Boston art with. You know, what's your experiences like working 0:10:02.880 --> 0:10:04.880 with young people in the community. Oh yeah, So as 0:10:04.920 --> 0:10:07.720 long as I can remember, I had an affinity for 0:10:07.760 --> 0:10:10.000 working with young people. So like when I was a 0:10:10.000 --> 0:10:11.840 young person, I was still working with young people. I 0:10:11.840 --> 0:10:15.240 think I was like twelve something like that, eleven or twelve, 0:10:15.280 --> 0:10:17.160 and I had all the kids in my neighborhood in 0:10:17.200 --> 0:10:20.280 the playground, like teaching them how to box or teaching 0:10:20.280 --> 0:10:22.080 the math, and they just you know, like playing like 0:10:22.200 --> 0:10:24.599 school teacher, even as a young person. But it was 0:10:24.640 --> 0:10:28.120 a nice way for free babysitting essentially, so I think 0:10:28.120 --> 0:10:31.320 all the neighborhood moms appreciated it. And then when I 0:10:31.360 --> 0:10:33.760 got my first set of summer jobs in the city, 0:10:34.040 --> 0:10:37.719 they were all in youth and peer education. I think 0:10:37.760 --> 0:10:39.439 that the goal for my mom for a long time 0:10:39.559 --> 0:10:41.880 was that her kids would be eighteen. Like, I don't 0:10:41.920 --> 0:10:46.079 think we really knew like a future future situation um 0:10:46.120 --> 0:10:48.760 for ourselves. So it wasn't until I had this math 0:10:48.800 --> 0:10:51.679 teacher in high school and then an English teacher about 0:10:51.679 --> 0:10:54.880 tenth grade, and they really changed a lot for me 0:10:54.960 --> 0:10:57.679 because they were the first people, I think who said, yo, 0:10:57.800 --> 0:10:59.920 you could be something. You're very smart, you could be 0:11:00.200 --> 0:11:02.280 something to find something that you want to do and 0:11:02.320 --> 0:11:04.000 do it. And I was like, alright, cool, I don't 0:11:04.000 --> 0:11:05.760 really know what I want to do. I really like, 0:11:05.920 --> 0:11:08.439 you know, music, I really like poetry, but I didn't 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:10.800 know that people like me make careers out of it. 0:11:11.400 --> 0:11:12.880 So it seems like you found it a little bit, 0:11:12.920 --> 0:11:16.360 you know, in the middle of your high school career. Um. 0:11:16.880 --> 0:11:19.600 What was it something from with him or maybe any 0:11:19.640 --> 0:11:22.960 outside influences that you gravitated towards to fund the strength? Yeah. 0:11:23.080 --> 0:11:25.480 I think honestly, the reason I stayed on the right 0:11:25.480 --> 0:11:27.319 path it was because I needed a place to stay 0:11:27.679 --> 0:11:29.840 at that time. So I stayed in college for that 0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:33.319 reason primarily. And the reason why I stayed I think there, 0:11:33.440 --> 0:11:36.080 why I did well and why I stayed alive was 0:11:36.120 --> 0:11:38.240 I just felt like there was something bigger for me, 0:11:38.480 --> 0:11:40.959 and that's something bigger. Was was was that art? Was 0:11:41.080 --> 0:11:45.920 that activism? Actually, how do you balance between art and activism? 0:11:46.080 --> 0:11:48.560 For my own sanity and my own piece. I haven't 0:11:48.640 --> 0:11:51.440 been looking at the news and keeping inside of my 0:11:51.520 --> 0:11:53.600 body the different names of black people who have been 0:11:53.640 --> 0:11:56.559 killed by white supremacy and law enforcement. I haven't been 0:11:56.600 --> 0:11:58.679 doing that, but it was really hard to not hear 0:11:58.720 --> 0:12:03.040 George Floyd's name. And then I watched from Dave Chappelle 0:12:03.280 --> 0:12:05.320 and at the end of that, I was like, man, 0:12:05.920 --> 0:12:08.280 what if the only way for us to be truly 0:12:08.320 --> 0:12:10.920 liberated as black people is to choose our own death 0:12:11.000 --> 0:12:13.280 and to choose it before somebody else chooses it for us. 0:12:13.640 --> 0:12:16.559 So that left me in this real crazy, just sad 0:12:16.679 --> 0:12:19.160 place of like do I want to be here? And 0:12:19.200 --> 0:12:22.719 then I was thinking, okay, my new deal for being here, 0:12:22.760 --> 0:12:25.320 my new deal with God for being here, Like I 0:12:25.360 --> 0:12:27.600 have to think about what it means for me to 0:12:27.720 --> 0:12:30.760 be here on this earth. And for me it became like, 0:12:31.160 --> 0:12:33.480 all right, I'm not going out to the protest. I'm 0:12:33.480 --> 0:12:36.400 not gonna be reactive to white supremacy like white supremacy 0:12:36.440 --> 0:12:38.640 does a thing. And now I have to protest. You know, 0:12:38.640 --> 0:12:40.840 I'm still on white supremacies time, and I don't want 0:12:40.880 --> 0:12:43.600 that for myself. So instead I was like, all right, 0:12:43.840 --> 0:12:45.439 the best thing for me to do is take care 0:12:45.440 --> 0:12:48.240 of the most central Black person, the most the person 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:52.080 who I'm most responsible for, and that's myself, and finally 0:12:52.120 --> 0:12:55.840 focus on my healing, Finally focus on my spirituality, finally 0:12:55.880 --> 0:12:59.319 focus on being my authentic self and loving myself truly 0:12:59.640 --> 0:13:01.920 and even the people around me, loving my community which 0:13:01.960 --> 0:13:04.560 includes so many different kinds of people. But like, don't 0:13:04.559 --> 0:13:07.040 get it twisted. If the war needs to happen, you know, 0:13:07.080 --> 0:13:08.480 if I have to get my life to this thing, 0:13:08.559 --> 0:13:10.480 if that's where it has to go, I'm down for that. 0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:13.640 But in the meantime, like until we're ready to push 0:13:13.640 --> 0:13:16.040 that button, until that's ready to happen, I'm choosing peace, 0:13:16.040 --> 0:13:18.240 I'm choosing love, and I'm choosing my healing for myself 0:13:18.280 --> 0:13:20.200 and the people around me. That's what's gonna keep me 0:13:20.240 --> 0:13:26.080 on this earth. So many of us, for different reasons, 0:13:26.600 --> 0:13:29.560 live a whole life of service to everyone else and 0:13:29.600 --> 0:13:32.680 everything else, and then we end up at seventy five 0:13:32.720 --> 0:13:35.080 and all we did was give, and all we did 0:13:35.240 --> 0:13:37.960 was live for other people, and it's like, how do 0:13:38.080 --> 0:13:40.520 I take care of my people and keep liberation at 0:13:40.559 --> 0:13:44.199 the center while also not losing the opportunity to live 0:13:44.280 --> 0:13:47.000 my life and to live a life that I've been granted. 0:13:49.679 --> 0:13:53.440 Um so in in in striking that balance. How have 0:13:53.520 --> 0:13:55.920 you been taking care of yourself? Thank you for that question. 0:13:56.120 --> 0:13:58.320 I think I've been focusing a lot on I know 0:13:58.360 --> 0:14:00.720 I'm using air quotes now self care. Part of my 0:14:00.840 --> 0:14:03.600 rest is my morning routine. I get up every day, 0:14:04.000 --> 0:14:07.000 I go run, I take my time completely and at 0:14:07.000 --> 0:14:09.240 different times every day. I run, I make my bed, 0:14:09.559 --> 0:14:13.520 I drink, see, I meditate, I pray, I journal, I write. 0:14:13.840 --> 0:14:16.880 And part of my process has been like making sure 0:14:16.920 --> 0:14:19.400 that I'm put in creativity. It's a meeting of the 0:14:19.440 --> 0:14:21.040 body of the mind in the spirit. Like my body, 0:14:21.080 --> 0:14:22.680 I need to put it in the place so that 0:14:22.880 --> 0:14:24.800 I can do the work, like I can honor my craft. 0:14:24.840 --> 0:14:27.680 So every morning I work on my chat book and 0:14:27.720 --> 0:14:30.480 poetry because I like to write poems before the sun 0:14:30.560 --> 0:14:33.760 is up. Like that. That's your U, that's what up. Well. 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:35.800 I know when you drop your new work, we and 0:14:35.920 --> 0:14:39.120 I know audience will be laiting. Thank you so much 0:14:39.120 --> 0:14:42.920 for taking this time to be with us. We'll be 0:14:43.040 --> 0:14:55.120 right back and now back to the show. And that's 0:14:55.120 --> 0:14:58.600 a wrap on season one. Holy Ship. That interview, that 0:14:59.680 --> 0:15:04.760 eat wow, I mean that was a dope interview. I 0:15:04.800 --> 0:15:07.600 have to admit Ruben's back on his game lately. I mean, 0:15:07.640 --> 0:15:10.400 he's really matured as an interviewer, even if he's completely 0:15:10.480 --> 0:15:12.520 on his bullshit with that running a waist on he bowled. 0:15:13.200 --> 0:15:16.400 This was our best interview yet, everything said about her 0:15:16.440 --> 0:15:19.960 existence being an active service. I just I really need 0:15:20.000 --> 0:15:22.000 to figure out my place in this movement. Do I march? 0:15:22.160 --> 0:15:24.680 Do I write letters to my local government and police station? 0:15:25.000 --> 0:15:28.880 Do I donate? It's really exhausting being woke or to 0:15:28.960 --> 0:15:31.880 care about more beyond yourself. I know we planned on 0:15:31.920 --> 0:15:35.320 attending the BLM rally today, but to be honest, I'm 0:15:35.320 --> 0:15:38.320 just I'm scared. I know Marco and Reuben will be 0:15:38.400 --> 0:15:41.160 joining me, but black girls aren't safe. I just can't 0:15:41.160 --> 0:15:43.400 stop thinking about Brianna Taylor. I mean, she was in 0:15:43.440 --> 0:15:47.120 the comfort of our own home and murdered. Maybe I 0:15:47.160 --> 0:15:49.600 should just follow this lad and stay home. Maybe my 0:15:49.680 --> 0:15:53.480 place isn't on the frontlines. Marco jumps off the studio 0:15:53.560 --> 0:15:55.280 lab do or He's been leaning on in chimes in 0:15:55.800 --> 0:15:58.880 did this dude just hear my thoughts? That was pretty 0:15:58.880 --> 0:16:02.000 spooky for this gus protests. Considering we're all about to 0:16:02.000 --> 0:16:05.280 go to a rally together. I feel my cheeks flush 0:16:05.560 --> 0:16:08.400 Suddenly I'm self conscious. Do you guys don't want to go? 0:16:08.560 --> 0:16:11.400 I mean, we don't have you know, I'm down. This 0:16:11.440 --> 0:16:14.320 is how I'm celebrating closing out this season. Remember, yeah, 0:16:14.440 --> 0:16:16.920 come on, Jay, you know you're the activists of the squad. 0:16:17.080 --> 0:16:20.080 Why are you being all weird? Now? Be happy? Mon 0:16:20.120 --> 0:16:24.920 g we just ended the season. Okay, I'm in. I'm in. 0:16:25.760 --> 0:16:30.480 They're enthusiasm is reassuring for a second, but I'm still afraid. 0:16:31.320 --> 0:16:34.000 It's been really tense in the city. It's our age 0:16:34.000 --> 0:16:36.880 have been arrested, ended up missing, or pepper sprayed during 0:16:36.920 --> 0:16:40.720 the marchis In protests. I can't back out now. I mean, 0:16:40.760 --> 0:16:42.720 I'm the one who convinced Reuben to pitch this to 0:16:42.760 --> 0:16:46.800 his parents, and Marco just always tags along. I feel 0:16:46.800 --> 0:16:49.680 like I'm kind of their mama or something. This is 0:16:49.720 --> 0:16:53.040 just a damn shame. Who's going to protect me? I'm 0:16:53.080 --> 0:16:55.920 the woman in the situation. These guys better have my 0:16:55.960 --> 0:16:58.680 back When something goes down tonight. We should get going. 0:16:58.880 --> 0:17:00.520 It's gonna take a while to get on. The train 0:17:00.760 --> 0:17:03.560 is at again h Fort Greene Park in Brooklyn. How 0:17:03.560 --> 0:17:05.840 are they going to rush to me? I'm still exporting 0:17:05.880 --> 0:17:08.760 the files from the recording session. Just give me a minute. 0:17:08.760 --> 0:17:11.800 The session is exporting. Reuben throws his hands up, like, 0:17:11.880 --> 0:17:14.360 all right, all right. I still can't wrap my head 0:17:14.359 --> 0:17:16.399 around it. And when I first met this kid, he 0:17:16.520 --> 0:17:19.760 was so timid. Then he completely wilds out, like out 0:17:19.800 --> 0:17:22.639 of nowhere. But even when I first met him, and 0:17:22.720 --> 0:17:25.080 he was so inside himself, he could tell there was 0:17:25.080 --> 0:17:27.720 a lot going on underneath the surface. That's why I 0:17:27.720 --> 0:17:32.159 called him over at lunch that day. They're the files 0:17:32.160 --> 0:17:34.440 are ready. I fire off the copy so all three 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:36.399 of us can dig into the raw material later, and 0:17:36.440 --> 0:17:39.560 I closed out the pro tool session. Now y'all can relax. 0:17:39.800 --> 0:17:46.320 I'm ready. Now, we all gather up our backpacks and 0:17:46.359 --> 0:17:48.840 make our way out of book or Team. Soon we're 0:17:48.880 --> 0:17:51.320 on a train, and Reuben's right, it's a bit of 0:17:51.359 --> 0:17:54.199 a long rack to Brooklyn. Still, this is kind of 0:17:54.200 --> 0:17:57.560 like old times before Ruben's whole Villa drama, when we're 0:17:57.600 --> 0:18:00.199 going out to shows together, when we were all about 0:18:00.240 --> 0:18:03.200 the artists and the music. It was about logging in 0:18:03.200 --> 0:18:06.960 interviews and not ads from sponsors. Of course, Marco was 0:18:07.000 --> 0:18:10.160 on his phone promoting the season finale. He's always been 0:18:10.160 --> 0:18:13.960 his own best hype man. Reuben lost in his own 0:18:14.000 --> 0:18:17.800 head replaying the interview and critiquing himself. And then there's me. 0:18:18.720 --> 0:18:20.439 I need to figure out what's my future and all 0:18:20.480 --> 0:18:23.280 of this. Do I want to be more than a secretary? 0:18:23.359 --> 0:18:26.560 Do I always want to be behind the scenes. I 0:18:26.640 --> 0:18:30.359 want more. I have to decide which college I'm attending 0:18:30.359 --> 0:18:33.200 in the fall. Will it be Spellman Howard Columbia or 0:18:33.240 --> 0:18:37.159 Emmerson College in Boston. I still feel nervous about the rally, 0:18:37.320 --> 0:18:39.720 being out there on the front lines, but I'm also 0:18:39.760 --> 0:18:43.120 looking forward to tonight. It's important that we're showing solidarity 0:18:43.160 --> 0:18:46.040 for the black lives and just they lost. This isn't 0:18:46.080 --> 0:18:48.199 my first rally. Being out there in the streets with 0:18:48.200 --> 0:18:51.800 other protesters makes me feel electric. I remember when I 0:18:51.840 --> 0:18:54.520 returned home for my first rally. I was out there 0:18:54.560 --> 0:18:57.320 fighting for justice for tray Von Martin. I was so 0:18:57.400 --> 0:19:00.600 fired up, and to be so young. ILL never forget 0:19:00.600 --> 0:19:04.880 that feeling. I never stopped chasing that feeling I lost 0:19:04.920 --> 0:19:06.520 my voice by the time I got home after the 0:19:06.520 --> 0:19:09.919 March for Justice. But when Upa talked about needing to 0:19:09.960 --> 0:19:12.480 back away from all the news for healing and self care, 0:19:13.040 --> 0:19:16.440 I felt that we've been asking artists about their activism 0:19:16.480 --> 0:19:19.280 all season. But she talked about how her existence is 0:19:19.320 --> 0:19:22.679 an act of resistance. That just blew my mind. I 0:19:22.720 --> 0:19:25.639 turned to Reuben, are you thinking about the interview? That 0:19:25.720 --> 0:19:29.720 was insane? She got me reevaluating my entire life right. 0:19:29.880 --> 0:19:34.320 I'm just I'm speechless. When we get to the station, 0:19:34.359 --> 0:19:36.520 we hear the crowd noise growing as we run up 0:19:36.560 --> 0:19:39.480 the steps. On the far side of the park, there's 0:19:39.480 --> 0:19:42.080 a stand on someone using a megaphone, but it's nothing 0:19:42.080 --> 0:19:43.879 but a muffled noise from the end of the station. 0:19:44.640 --> 0:19:47.280 We make our way into the rally. Margaret puts his 0:19:47.320 --> 0:19:49.400 phone away for once and all three of us can 0:19:49.520 --> 0:19:53.200 the intense energy. I feel a rush of adrenaline. There's 0:19:53.320 --> 0:19:56.960 so many people gathering about, just enjoying the vibe. A 0:19:57.040 --> 0:19:59.520 drum circle jams over by the monument in the center 0:19:59.680 --> 0:20:03.920 valent here's a various activist groups handing up newsletters, bottled water, 0:20:04.359 --> 0:20:07.760 and signing up new folks. Of the cause. It's nothing 0:20:07.840 --> 0:20:12.040 like the news depicts. It's not chaotic, just alive. I 0:20:12.080 --> 0:20:14.160 look around the edges of the park and see rows 0:20:14.240 --> 0:20:17.200 of cops along the edges. I'm not gonna lie, it's 0:20:18.000 --> 0:20:21.359 it's alimidating. Isn't necessary for all these cops to be 0:20:21.400 --> 0:20:23.960 out here. There's plenty of space between them and the 0:20:24.080 --> 0:20:27.520 rally though, no signs of kettling the protesters or people 0:20:27.520 --> 0:20:31.359 throwing watterle bottles at them. I reassure myself that the 0:20:31.480 --> 0:20:36.120 energy is positive tonight. Yeah, I'm glad we came out. Yeah. 0:20:36.200 --> 0:20:37.600 I think a couple of my girls are going to 0:20:37.640 --> 0:20:39.199 meet us here. I'm just waiting to see if they 0:20:39.240 --> 0:20:45.879 text me. A group chance starts forming around us, and 0:20:46.080 --> 0:20:48.760 I see Reuben and get approached by a twenty something 0:20:48.840 --> 0:20:51.200 year old in a red T shirt with the clipboard. 0:20:52.280 --> 0:20:54.359 I glanced over at Markow when he's got his phone 0:20:54.359 --> 0:20:57.000 out again to taking video. I slip my phone out 0:20:57.040 --> 0:20:59.520 to check for text and see nothing. So I raised 0:20:59.520 --> 0:21:06.199 my fist, joining the chape and only last for a 0:21:06.240 --> 0:21:08.320 minute before some of the crowds starts speeding up and 0:21:08.400 --> 0:21:11.240 marching across the park. I look around for Reuben and 0:21:11.280 --> 0:21:13.560 Marco again, just if they want to follow the crowd 0:21:13.640 --> 0:21:16.600 or keep exploring the park. Marco emerged from the crowd, 0:21:16.680 --> 0:21:20.040 tucking his phone back in his pocket. Where's Reuben learned 0:21:20.080 --> 0:21:22.600 with that clipboard girl? If he has any sense? I 0:21:22.680 --> 0:21:24.720 look around and find the red shirt quick enough, But 0:21:24.800 --> 0:21:28.480 still no Ruben. Clipboard girl has moved on to chat 0:21:28.520 --> 0:21:31.480 with the middle aged white guy the goat cheap ship. 0:21:31.880 --> 0:21:37.840 Where the hell is he? Reuben? Marco sees clipboard girls too, 0:21:38.480 --> 0:21:40.760 Still no Reuben. J chill, he probably want to take 0:21:40.800 --> 0:21:43.280 a leak. We'll find him. Let's keep walking. I don't 0:21:43.320 --> 0:21:46.600 have a good feeling about this. A black kid alone, 0:21:47.000 --> 0:21:50.639