1 00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:09,000 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:12,320 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:17,080 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:17,079 --> 00:00:26,920 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back 5 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,000 Speaker 1: to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is 6 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:33,560 Speaker 1: so great to have you here. You specifically, of course, 7 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:37,400 Speaker 1: back for another episode as we break down the psychology 8 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:42,680 Speaker 1: of our twenties. Quick reminder before we start this episode 9 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:48,159 Speaker 1: you are currently listening to is also on Netflix worldwide, 10 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:52,080 Speaker 1: as are actually all of our other episodes in video form. 11 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,480 Speaker 1: So if you are someone who prefers to watch your 12 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:57,040 Speaker 1: podcasts or to have me kind of talking me away 13 00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,520 Speaker 1: in the background whilst you're cleaning at the gym, working 14 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:03,240 Speaker 1: from home, whatever it is, go and check out the 15 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:05,280 Speaker 1: link in the description and you can watch a full 16 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:09,000 Speaker 1: Netflix episode. Let's get into it. We're going to begin 17 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:12,880 Speaker 1: this episode with a hear me out. Hear me out. 18 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:16,000 Speaker 1: The best part of being in your twenties is realizing 19 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:19,080 Speaker 1: you are not the person that you once were. The 20 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:22,360 Speaker 1: worst part is realizing once more that you can never 21 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,320 Speaker 1: be those people again, no matter how hard you try 22 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,200 Speaker 1: or how much you want to go back. It is 23 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:31,440 Speaker 1: probably the most bittersweet feeling of this decade, the pain 24 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:35,400 Speaker 1: of out growing your old life. Sweet because you're evolving, 25 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:40,679 Speaker 1: You're stepping into probably a more mature, concrete, self aware 26 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:44,760 Speaker 1: version of you. Bitter because part of growing up is 27 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:48,240 Speaker 1: having to say goodbye over and over again to certain 28 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:51,200 Speaker 1: things that represented who you once were, and just kind 29 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:54,720 Speaker 1: of hoping that the next chapter is better. This happens 30 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:57,640 Speaker 1: is feeling. This phenomena occurs at some very critical points 31 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:01,800 Speaker 1: in our twenties, like when we graduate way college or university. 32 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:05,600 Speaker 1: I remember graduating and there being this like deep sadness 33 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,600 Speaker 1: that you know, I'm never going to live next door 34 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:09,640 Speaker 1: to my friends ever again. I'm never going to have 35 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:13,840 Speaker 1: those same moments and nights where you're like getting to 36 00:02:13,919 --> 00:02:16,920 Speaker 1: know people for the first time and like everything is 37 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:20,600 Speaker 1: shiny and new and not that serious, and like your 38 00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:23,040 Speaker 1: whole job is just to study, Like I'd never get 39 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:27,639 Speaker 1: to relive this exactly as it was. That's a big 40 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,520 Speaker 1: one for many people. It can also happen when we 41 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,959 Speaker 1: break up with somebody. You know you're grieving this old 42 00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:35,640 Speaker 1: version of you. You're grieving the life you thought you 43 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:38,600 Speaker 1: have and it kind of disintegrates very quickly, same with 44 00:02:38,639 --> 00:02:40,600 Speaker 1: when we quit jobs, when we leave cities, when we 45 00:02:40,639 --> 00:02:44,280 Speaker 1: lose friends, even loved ones. But the pain of outgrowing 46 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:46,720 Speaker 1: your old life also happens a lot more quietly, as 47 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:49,640 Speaker 1: we kind of realize like, hey, wait a second, I'm 48 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:51,839 Speaker 1: not who I was six months ago or two years 49 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,440 Speaker 1: ago or five years ago. Is that a good thing 50 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:58,240 Speaker 1: or is that a bad thing? Today we are going 51 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:01,600 Speaker 1: to explore that feeling for a second, the pain you've 52 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:06,200 Speaker 1: outgrowing your old life, why it hurts psychologically, why the 53 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:10,320 Speaker 1: pain is perhaps a good thing in a strange way, 54 00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:15,440 Speaker 1: and how to just lean into this constant evolution of 55 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:17,840 Speaker 1: the self that we're going to experience time and time again, 56 00:03:17,919 --> 00:03:21,800 Speaker 1: and I guess not cling onto too tightly to the 57 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:25,600 Speaker 1: past and miss out what will hopefully be an absolutely incredible, 58 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,760 Speaker 1: amazing future for you. So, yeah, there's so much to cover. 59 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:30,800 Speaker 1: There's a lot of psychology, there's a lot of concepts 60 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:33,880 Speaker 1: in this as well. So as always, let's get into it. 61 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:40,600 Speaker 1: Let's start with this. What are some clear signs or 62 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,640 Speaker 1: maybe actually less than clear now that I think about it, 63 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:46,640 Speaker 1: but signs nonetheless that the life you used to have 64 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:50,280 Speaker 1: and love and feel safe in is now one that 65 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:55,240 Speaker 1: you've outgrown. Firstly, there is the very obvious fact that 66 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,480 Speaker 1: you know you've outgrown your old life because there has 67 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:04,200 Speaker 1: been a noteable will change, transition, major life event that 68 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:08,880 Speaker 1: has rapidly shifted timelines for you. We mentioned a few 69 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,040 Speaker 1: at the beginning, but some other big ones that we 70 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:14,400 Speaker 1: experienced in our twenties are like things like grief, losing 71 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:18,680 Speaker 1: your job, having a big, maybe quite scary health change, 72 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:22,159 Speaker 1: health scare, even positive things like a new job, starting 73 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:26,320 Speaker 1: a new relationship, getting married. There's a feeling that everything's changed, 74 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,760 Speaker 1: and there's a recognition of like, Okay, I've crossed over 75 00:04:29,839 --> 00:04:33,680 Speaker 1: a certain threshold that now I cannot go back on. 76 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,320 Speaker 1: Even if I were to go back, it wouldn't be 77 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:39,320 Speaker 1: the same. This may sound strange, but this happened to 78 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:42,360 Speaker 1: me a few weeks ago when my childhood dog passed away. 79 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:45,960 Speaker 1: Like I said, for me, it was a very clear 80 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,880 Speaker 1: moment in time that marked like a before and after. 81 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:52,840 Speaker 1: You know, I had him in my life since I 82 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:56,760 Speaker 1: was ten years old, from primary school to high school, 83 00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:59,600 Speaker 1: to university, then when I moved to Sydney, then when 84 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,719 Speaker 1: I have my first full time job, when I quit 85 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:05,640 Speaker 1: that job. Literally he lasted from when I was a 86 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,839 Speaker 1: child to when I moved to London, and his death 87 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,919 Speaker 1: was like this moment of realization of like my old life, 88 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:15,440 Speaker 1: my childhood is officially over, like there's no there's no 89 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,120 Speaker 1: going back. So that was a big moment for me. 90 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:21,160 Speaker 1: Shout out to yo. This episode is dedicated to Yogo, 91 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:24,640 Speaker 1: the best dog ever, and it definitely yeah again inspired 92 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:28,039 Speaker 1: this feeling in me of like this huge recognition of 93 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:29,640 Speaker 1: like I am no longer that person and I can 94 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:33,280 Speaker 1: never be that person again. So that took a sad turn. 95 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,400 Speaker 1: But yes, sometimes there is kind of an intense timeline 96 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,840 Speaker 1: shift that brings perspective, also signifies the end of something 97 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:43,560 Speaker 1: more subtly, though sometimes it's a less of like an 98 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:48,120 Speaker 1: intense rupture and more of a slow recognition. It's more subtle. 99 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:52,120 Speaker 1: It's small changes in your routines, in your relationships. You 100 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,840 Speaker 1: may suddenly realize, like, oh, I don't really see the 101 00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:58,560 Speaker 1: people that I used to. My nights look very different now, 102 00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:01,360 Speaker 1: Like a lot of my hobbies have changed, even how 103 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:05,919 Speaker 1: I dress has changed, My idea of fun is different. Basically, 104 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:09,640 Speaker 1: there has been some personal evolution in terms of your 105 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:14,880 Speaker 1: values or your lifestyle that has slowly filtered into your 106 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:19,040 Speaker 1: habits and patterns over time. This can create some tension. 107 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:23,720 Speaker 1: I think if your environment remains the same but you 108 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,680 Speaker 1: no longer fit in it, when there's a disalignment between 109 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:29,440 Speaker 1: you and the people you're around, all the life that 110 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,640 Speaker 1: you're in, you may also start to feel out of 111 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:36,280 Speaker 1: place where you are now bit bored, bit stuck, a 112 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:39,480 Speaker 1: bit restless. I don't know if there's a psychology term 113 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,960 Speaker 1: for this, but right before your life is about to 114 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:45,479 Speaker 1: change remarkably, you will experience what I call next in 115 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:49,919 Speaker 1: line Jitters. This is this weird waiting room sensation where 116 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:54,800 Speaker 1: part of you instinctively knows you're about to experience like 117 00:06:54,839 --> 00:06:58,800 Speaker 1: a deep psychological, soulful emotional transformation, but it's just not 118 00:06:58,839 --> 00:07:02,120 Speaker 1: your turn yet. I don't like. It's a hard feeling 119 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:05,040 Speaker 1: to describe. The best way I can describe it is 120 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:11,120 Speaker 1: the hour before along whole flight lands and you know 121 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:14,200 Speaker 1: you're about to land, you know what's coming, but like 122 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:18,160 Speaker 1: you have to last the longest period of your life 123 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,840 Speaker 1: where like you can't really get comfortable, you can't really 124 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:24,000 Speaker 1: do anything, and it just feels very very strange. That's 125 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,920 Speaker 1: what next in line Jenn just really feels like maybe 126 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:29,800 Speaker 1: my metaphor doesn't make sense, but I think the closest 127 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:35,200 Speaker 1: psychological term for it is developmental dis equilibrium. It's actually 128 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:38,240 Speaker 1: a child psychology term that comes from the Yale Guess 129 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:41,560 Speaker 1: or Institute of Child Development, and I think it definitely 130 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,800 Speaker 1: can also apply to adults and especially people in their 131 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:48,000 Speaker 1: twenties as well. Basically, what this term or this theory 132 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,160 Speaker 1: says is right as you're on the verge of like 133 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:55,640 Speaker 1: a major growth spurt, your behavior starts to almost regress. 134 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:59,520 Speaker 1: So we experience what feels like a drawback in our behavior, 135 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:01,880 Speaker 1: in our life style, in our attitudes before we are 136 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:07,120 Speaker 1: kind of shot forward. And that strange feeling of displacement 137 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:09,960 Speaker 1: is a good thing. It's a sign that change is coming, 138 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,560 Speaker 1: you're just not quite there yet. But it's also as 139 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:15,640 Speaker 1: much as it is a good thing, it's often accompanied 140 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,560 Speaker 1: by a lot of grief as well, as we spoke about, 141 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:19,800 Speaker 1: and I think this is the biggest sign that you're 142 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:23,320 Speaker 1: outgrowing your old life. You know, it's painful, even if 143 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:26,760 Speaker 1: it's beautiful. Often the greatest sign that you're going through 144 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:29,040 Speaker 1: this right now is that you just feel it right. 145 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:32,480 Speaker 1: You feel a little bit off, you feel sad. Maybe 146 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,080 Speaker 1: you don't have the exact kind of box to place 147 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:38,160 Speaker 1: it in or way to categorize it, but you definitely 148 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:42,200 Speaker 1: don't feel like yourself. We've spoken about this before a 149 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:46,240 Speaker 1: lot of times, but the human brain has a natural 150 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:51,880 Speaker 1: aversion to large scale change. It likes novelty, It likes 151 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:55,240 Speaker 1: a little bit of a challenge, for sure. But that 152 00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:58,880 Speaker 1: rapid uncertainty of outgrowing a life that you felt comfortable 153 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:03,120 Speaker 1: in creates so many unknowns all at once that our 154 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:06,040 Speaker 1: mind can't really piece together the story of who we 155 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:09,880 Speaker 1: are right now. In the words of Harvard researchers, if 156 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:13,800 Speaker 1: your brain has one major vice, it is control, and 157 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,920 Speaker 1: there is very little of it. There is very little 158 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:19,000 Speaker 1: control right now in this period of change, and that, 159 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:23,320 Speaker 1: combined with the loss of what once was and just 160 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,000 Speaker 1: the fact you can't have it anymore, does create a 161 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,040 Speaker 1: very real emotional and psychological pain that can be felt 162 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,440 Speaker 1: like real pain. I think the pain is best described 163 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:36,880 Speaker 1: by this quote. The process of transformation consists mostly of decay. 164 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:40,319 Speaker 1: This is from Rebecca Sulnitt's book A Feel Guide to 165 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:44,560 Speaker 1: Getting Lost, and what she's basically describing is a phenomena 166 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:49,920 Speaker 1: unknown in psychology and sociology as liminality, the threshold between 167 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:54,239 Speaker 1: who you were and who you are becoming that requires 168 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:57,320 Speaker 1: almost a full death of the old self before the 169 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:02,440 Speaker 1: new self can emerge. The very very famous psychoanalyst Carl Jung, 170 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:05,560 Speaker 1: who we speak about in basically every single episode, he 171 00:10:05,679 --> 00:10:08,200 Speaker 1: of course had things to say about this, and he 172 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:12,280 Speaker 1: spoke about it as the death and rebirth archetype where 173 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:17,000 Speaker 1: we basically have to constantly experience small deaths within us 174 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,520 Speaker 1: to bring about newness and growth. Without those deaths, we 175 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:23,560 Speaker 1: cannot have that, and he claimed that this process was 176 00:10:23,559 --> 00:10:29,200 Speaker 1: incredibly important for an individuation. Individuation is essentially the lifelong 177 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:34,160 Speaker 1: psychological journey of discovering your authentic identity. This is what 178 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:37,120 Speaker 1: the pain is, this pain that you're experiencing right now. 179 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:42,640 Speaker 1: It is the decay that is required for the new growth. Now. 180 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:47,520 Speaker 1: Something especially interesting to know, particularly if you're going through 181 00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:50,599 Speaker 1: this right now and you're just kind of like floating flotsam, 182 00:10:50,679 --> 00:10:54,320 Speaker 1: like you really don't have an anchor. Something interesting to 183 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,079 Speaker 1: know is that the pain about growing your old life 184 00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,480 Speaker 1: often occurs in stages, and it does have an end point. 185 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,880 Speaker 1: The biggest theory on this is Arnold van Jennop's threefold 186 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:08,439 Speaker 1: model of the rights of passage, but I like to 187 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:11,160 Speaker 1: think of it as having seven stages. In particular, we're 188 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,479 Speaker 1: going to start with his theory. He's the expert basically 189 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:19,040 Speaker 1: Van Jennet. He was a French ethnographer and folklorist, so 190 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 1: like he liked to understand humanity by looking at stories 191 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:26,040 Speaker 1: and the way that cultures functioned. And throughout his work 192 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:29,960 Speaker 1: he kind of noticed that in almost all societies and cultures, 193 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:34,240 Speaker 1: as people transitioned into new seasons of life or new roles, 194 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:38,800 Speaker 1: the same three things almost always happened. There was separation, 195 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:41,839 Speaker 1: there was transition or the liminal space we speak about, 196 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:48,240 Speaker 1: and then there was incorporation. The example that suits this 197 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:53,040 Speaker 1: best is like graduation. For example, there's the separation that 198 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:56,800 Speaker 1: is seen through you know, the formality of the graduation ceremony, 199 00:11:57,160 --> 00:12:01,240 Speaker 1: you receive a diploma, probably also a big bill, even 200 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,080 Speaker 1: like the separation is signified even by the turning of 201 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:07,280 Speaker 1: the tassels on the hats, like showing that you've separated, 202 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:11,280 Speaker 1: you've exited this institution. Then there is the period of transition, 203 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:14,400 Speaker 1: maybe before you start work or before you know what's 204 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:18,680 Speaker 1: going to come next, where you've lost all the structure 205 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:20,360 Speaker 1: that you relied upon in the past and that you 206 00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:23,760 Speaker 1: become accustomed to, and you don't really have anything else 207 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,720 Speaker 1: to rely on in the future. You're kind of left 208 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:28,600 Speaker 1: with a lot of confusion thoughts, questions about is this 209 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:29,920 Speaker 1: going to work out or not? What am I going 210 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,640 Speaker 1: to do? And then he says, there's slowly this reintegration. 211 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:37,600 Speaker 1: You kind of piece things together, you reintegrate, you get 212 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,319 Speaker 1: a sense of like where you are now. He also 213 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:43,440 Speaker 1: spoke about marriage being like this as well, or a 214 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:46,720 Speaker 1: wedding being like this, joining the military being like this. 215 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:49,560 Speaker 1: Remember he was kind of like riding around the time 216 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:53,000 Speaker 1: of like the early nineteen hundred, so a huge part 217 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,960 Speaker 1: of culture at that time. Like he lived through some 218 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:57,920 Speaker 1: very significant wars, so people going to the army was 219 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,920 Speaker 1: probably the most of example for him. So that was 220 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:06,240 Speaker 1: his theory of the rights of passage, separation, transition, reintegration. 221 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,360 Speaker 1: As I've said, I see this as occurring in a 222 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:12,320 Speaker 1: few more stages. I think it's probably a little bit 223 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,840 Speaker 1: less concrete and simple than three steps. I think the 224 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:19,280 Speaker 1: pain of outgrowing your old life happens in seven. The 225 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,800 Speaker 1: first stage, in the first sign that you are entering 226 00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:25,720 Speaker 1: into This period of transformation is stage one, which is 227 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:30,040 Speaker 1: increased nostalgia. So you begin to realize you're really missing 228 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:33,000 Speaker 1: what you used to feel normal. You're beginning to remember 229 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,839 Speaker 1: things kind of as they were, not as they are, 230 00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:40,560 Speaker 1: And with that becomes the acknowledgment of the passing of 231 00:13:40,679 --> 00:13:43,600 Speaker 1: time and just kind of the deeper understanding that like, 232 00:13:43,679 --> 00:13:46,600 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, if I'm feeling nostalgic, it means that 233 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,440 Speaker 1: I don't have this anymore. Things have changed. That's a 234 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,560 Speaker 1: bittersweet feeling. This is followed though, by stage two, which 235 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,600 Speaker 1: is the grief. Nostalgia is something you can kind of 236 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,400 Speaker 1: dip in and out of. I've found there's so many 237 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:01,120 Speaker 1: studies on this, including one from two twenty three titled 238 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:04,840 Speaker 1: Locating Nostalgia among the Emotions A Bridge from Lost to Love, 239 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:08,280 Speaker 1: and in it, the author talks about how nostalgia is 240 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:11,360 Speaker 1: one of those rare emotions that's neither positive or negative. 241 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:15,680 Speaker 1: It kind of exists in its own space grief, though 242 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,600 Speaker 1: at least in its early stages, it's just like a 243 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:24,080 Speaker 1: big brick wall of sadness and loss. This is like 244 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:27,880 Speaker 1: when shit kind of gets real, Like nostalgia was like, oh, 245 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,240 Speaker 1: I feel sad but I'm kind of happy. The grief 246 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:33,200 Speaker 1: stage is like, oh, I'm I'm really coming to terms 247 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:34,720 Speaker 1: with the fact that life is never going to be 248 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,840 Speaker 1: the same. It's probably also simpanic in that as well, 249 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,760 Speaker 1: and that is when we enter stage three, which is 250 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:43,560 Speaker 1: the vacuum stage. Also, the liminal space that we spoke 251 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:48,880 Speaker 1: about before. This stage is where we feel our just 252 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:52,320 Speaker 1: absolute worst, and it is likely where you are right now, 253 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:55,360 Speaker 1: if I'm being honest, there is very little to hold 254 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:59,680 Speaker 1: on to. It feels like, I think the best way 255 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:01,920 Speaker 1: to just it is that you've only lost and you've 256 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:04,600 Speaker 1: gained very little. You're just losing. Up until this point. 257 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,160 Speaker 1: You don't have what you had in the past. You 258 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,080 Speaker 1: also don't know what is in the future. Yet you 259 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:13,080 Speaker 1: just have this sense that you lack possession over your 260 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:17,240 Speaker 1: current state. Your life maybe doesn't feel like it's yours anymore. 261 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:19,600 Speaker 1: How long you stay in this state is like the 262 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:22,360 Speaker 1: million dollar question, and it has a very ambiguous answer, 263 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,240 Speaker 1: which is that it really depends on how well you 264 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:27,920 Speaker 1: can adjust to the next stage, which is the responsibility 265 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:32,520 Speaker 1: stage or the acceptance stage. In this period, you really 266 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:35,160 Speaker 1: begin to come to terms with the facts of the situation. 267 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,280 Speaker 1: Like at some stage you have to just you have 268 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,800 Speaker 1: to just accept like, no, I can never be that 269 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,760 Speaker 1: person again. No I cannot go back there. No, there's 270 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,400 Speaker 1: no change in the past. Yes that is sad, Yes 271 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:49,760 Speaker 1: it is okay to grieve that now. Or what am 272 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,520 Speaker 1: I going to do about it? What am I going 273 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:55,120 Speaker 1: to change? Because you can't stay in that liminal space forever? 274 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,720 Speaker 1: Trust me. I think there are some people who do, 275 00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:00,960 Speaker 1: and those are the people who seem least happy with 276 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:04,000 Speaker 1: their lives because they're just so fixated on the past 277 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:08,240 Speaker 1: and they're just so unable to see their own role 278 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:11,800 Speaker 1: and their agency over the future. Some examples of this 279 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:13,840 Speaker 1: are like the dude from your hometown who just wants 280 00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,880 Speaker 1: to relive high school, the person who can't get over 281 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:19,200 Speaker 1: their bitter divorce. It's not like they want to be 282 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,960 Speaker 1: that way, it's just the grief and the nostalgia of 283 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:25,040 Speaker 1: the first two stages are too strong that they're unable 284 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:27,640 Speaker 1: to get to stage three, which is the responsibility and 285 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:32,320 Speaker 1: acceptance stage. It's an uncomfortable reality. At some point, you 286 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:36,360 Speaker 1: either let go or you get dragged behind. The shift 287 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:39,640 Speaker 1: between one or the other is realizing that you have 288 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:43,800 Speaker 1: self efficacy, you have agency in making what comes next 289 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:47,880 Speaker 1: as good as it was before. So what happens after this? 290 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,640 Speaker 1: What are the three final stages? You may be thinking, 291 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:52,880 Speaker 1: we have to take a short break here, but when 292 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:54,920 Speaker 1: we come back, we're going to talk about all of 293 00:16:54,960 --> 00:17:03,560 Speaker 1: that and so much more. Stay with us. Once you've 294 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:06,919 Speaker 1: accepted your reality and you've accepted your responsibility in shaping 295 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:10,280 Speaker 1: your reality, what we call in psychology accepting your own 296 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,879 Speaker 1: self efficacy, this is when you start to really begin 297 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,920 Speaker 1: to be able to shape your new situation. So basically, 298 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,640 Speaker 1: this is when you can start seeking out new opportunities, 299 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:23,560 Speaker 1: new routines, new friends. You start setting new goals for yourself. 300 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:26,520 Speaker 1: You're happy about it. You really start to have a vision, 301 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,040 Speaker 1: a bit of optimism, You make a plan, and then 302 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:32,840 Speaker 1: nothing really happens for a while. Stage five is what 303 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:36,800 Speaker 1: we call the discomfort of growth stage, where you're truly 304 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:41,080 Speaker 1: making sacrifices. Now you know things need to go, you 305 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:44,040 Speaker 1: know you need a clean slate, you know what needs 306 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,480 Speaker 1: to be done to bring about the future that you want, 307 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:50,080 Speaker 1: and it takes a while. It's just it's hard, sounds 308 00:17:50,119 --> 00:17:52,400 Speaker 1: like a bummer after what you've already been through and 309 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:55,679 Speaker 1: what you probably already feel, but do not fear. It 310 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,160 Speaker 1: does pass, and it is followed slowly by stage six, 311 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:03,040 Speaker 1: which is a return of reward. Slow at first, but 312 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:06,600 Speaker 1: you begin to start to notice things shifting, like you're 313 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,640 Speaker 1: feeling lighter, You're not as pessimistic, you found a bit 314 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:13,119 Speaker 1: more of a groove. The slow reward stage is the 315 00:18:13,119 --> 00:18:16,400 Speaker 1: best because you kind of made it through and you've 316 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:20,760 Speaker 1: proven like, I'm really capable of evolving, and life may 317 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,359 Speaker 1: not be better or worse, but it's different, and that 318 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:25,639 Speaker 1: difference is its own reward. And there are things that 319 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:28,080 Speaker 1: I genuinely enjoy about this new version of me and 320 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:32,280 Speaker 1: that I'm looking forward to. Definitely, you still feel pangs 321 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,800 Speaker 1: of nostalgia, but I think yearning is just to sign 322 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:38,320 Speaker 1: you're human and that you've deeply embodied your past experiences. 323 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,040 Speaker 1: Now you are just doing that for the present as well. 324 00:18:42,119 --> 00:18:45,439 Speaker 1: You're starting to really enjoy what you have now. This 325 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:48,359 Speaker 1: is when we arrive at the final stage, stage seven, 326 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,560 Speaker 1: which is the new normal. In the words of Fleetwood Mac, 327 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,800 Speaker 1: You've climbed the mountain, You've turned around. I know it 328 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:57,280 Speaker 1: sounds cheesy, but it's just the best way to describe it. 329 00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,560 Speaker 1: It's subtle. At first, I've found this with moving to 330 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:03,480 Speaker 1: London and moving overseas, right Like, at first I really 331 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,280 Speaker 1: hated it and I hated it and I hated it, 332 00:19:05,359 --> 00:19:08,119 Speaker 1: and then slowly I thought about it less and I 333 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:10,639 Speaker 1: put in more effort to make it feel normal and 334 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:13,479 Speaker 1: to make it feel worth it. And then kind of 335 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:16,359 Speaker 1: like a breakup, like you know, one day you just 336 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,840 Speaker 1: wake up and you feel okay, that's what it was like. 337 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,120 Speaker 1: One day it just felt like the new normal, and 338 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:25,159 Speaker 1: you just kind of realize, I just like where I 339 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:28,679 Speaker 1: am now. I'm happy. As Carl Jung said, we have 340 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,919 Speaker 1: to bring him up again. Of course, he said, this 341 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,520 Speaker 1: cycle is going to occur over and over again throughout 342 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,560 Speaker 1: your life. The people who handle this the best, though, 343 00:19:38,119 --> 00:19:40,360 Speaker 1: are those who just submit to the flow of it. 344 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:44,640 Speaker 1: Nothing stays the same forever, but you probably wouldn't want 345 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:49,680 Speaker 1: it to anyway. I think this pain as well, if 346 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,760 Speaker 1: nothing else, is just proof that hey, like I have 347 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:56,280 Speaker 1: something worth missing, I had something worth missing. It shows 348 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,720 Speaker 1: you conclusively that you know you have had a life 349 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:01,960 Speaker 1: that you you've loved, or parts of it that you've loved. 350 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,320 Speaker 1: You've had people that you've loved, and therefore there is 351 00:20:04,359 --> 00:20:06,760 Speaker 1: another version of a life you can love out there 352 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:10,040 Speaker 1: as well, Like it's proven itself that life is valuable. 353 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,120 Speaker 1: I think it's also important to not focus on what 354 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,800 Speaker 1: you've lost by letting go and moving on, but what 355 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:20,119 Speaker 1: you would have lost by holding on too tight to 356 00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,840 Speaker 1: a life that didn't fit you anymore. You know what 357 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:26,080 Speaker 1: do you lose in that situation. Firstly, you lose access 358 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,680 Speaker 1: to a future version of you who is probably more authentic. 359 00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:32,120 Speaker 1: You lose access to new opportunities that are just waiting 360 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:35,800 Speaker 1: for you to be available for them. Same thing with relationships. 361 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:39,360 Speaker 1: You lose access to friends and people you love if 362 00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:42,560 Speaker 1: you made space and time for them. You lose access 363 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,600 Speaker 1: to new lessons and new experiences. If you stayed the same, 364 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:51,280 Speaker 1: you would almost certainly lose the ability or lose life's 365 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:55,159 Speaker 1: ability to surprise you. And I think you also just 366 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:59,320 Speaker 1: lose access to the possibility for a genuine, perhaps even 367 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:02,800 Speaker 1: purer happiness than you've ever experienced. This may be hard 368 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:05,960 Speaker 1: to imagine, and it probably is, given how much you 369 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,399 Speaker 1: like what you have, but we often make the cognitive 370 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:13,359 Speaker 1: error of believing that all we've ever experienced must be 371 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:17,440 Speaker 1: the ceiling for all that we will ever experience. Basically, 372 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:19,480 Speaker 1: it's as good as it ever was like, this is 373 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:22,520 Speaker 1: as good as it gets, and we become very fixated 374 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:25,800 Speaker 1: on what we're losing that we forget to consider the 375 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:29,640 Speaker 1: opportunity cost of holding onto tight. We can clearly see 376 00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:32,080 Speaker 1: the life we're leaving behind. We can clearly see what 377 00:21:32,119 --> 00:21:34,399 Speaker 1: we liked about it. We can't see the life waiting 378 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,240 Speaker 1: for us on the other side because it hasn't happened yet. 379 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:41,320 Speaker 1: Psychologists and even economists have a few terms they use 380 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:44,040 Speaker 1: to try and explain what this does to our behavior. 381 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:47,680 Speaker 1: One term they uses the endowment effect. It may also 382 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:51,480 Speaker 1: be known as the status quo bias. Basically, we value 383 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:55,040 Speaker 1: what we already have because we're familiar with it, and 384 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:57,960 Speaker 1: that means that we don't consider alternatives that may be better. 385 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:03,320 Speaker 1: We struggle to value those alternatives, you know, the future 386 00:22:03,359 --> 00:22:06,040 Speaker 1: that's coming for you, because it doesn't feel as real 387 00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:10,719 Speaker 1: as what already was holding on though it costs you something. 388 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:14,320 Speaker 1: Even if in the moment you feel like you're losing 389 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:17,800 Speaker 1: less because you're staying the same, what you're really losing 390 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:22,480 Speaker 1: is that opportunity for self expansion. I think the best 391 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:27,560 Speaker 1: metaphor for what this limitation does to us psychologically and 392 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:32,000 Speaker 1: developmentally is the fishball metaphor. I'm sure we've all heard 393 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:35,880 Speaker 1: this idea that a goldfish will grow to the size 394 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:39,960 Speaker 1: of its tank. I think equally, people can only grow 395 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:44,000 Speaker 1: to the size of their discomfort. That's where their limit is. 396 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:47,600 Speaker 1: If you don't allow yourself to sit in that space, 397 00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:52,320 Speaker 1: experience that pain, and if you only and you always 398 00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:54,520 Speaker 1: just go back to what you had and try and 399 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:58,680 Speaker 1: relive it, you are putting yourself in a small fishbowl. 400 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:03,359 Speaker 1: You are contake yourself. There was an amazing study done 401 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:07,879 Speaker 1: in twenty twenty two by researchers Wooly and Fishbash, and 402 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:11,520 Speaker 1: it was published in the Journal of Psychological Sciences where 403 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:17,040 Speaker 1: they measured whether actively seeking discomfort as a signal for 404 00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:21,280 Speaker 1: growth could increase motivation. They did like five experiments with 405 00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:25,399 Speaker 1: like two thousand I think even more adults in total, 406 00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:30,800 Speaker 1: and what they found was that when people run towards 407 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:34,320 Speaker 1: discomfort because they mentally see it as a sign of 408 00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:37,800 Speaker 1: growth and a way to improve themselves, their level of 409 00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:42,440 Speaker 1: goal achievement was much much higher. When they accept discomfort 410 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:47,160 Speaker 1: as perhaps being a good thing and they voluntarily want 411 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:49,199 Speaker 1: more of it in their life, they do better. And 412 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:50,760 Speaker 1: this is what I really want for you. Guys, and 413 00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:53,560 Speaker 1: if I'm being honest, what I want for myself the 414 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:56,720 Speaker 1: ability to shift our understanding of discomfort and the pain 415 00:23:56,800 --> 00:24:00,919 Speaker 1: of outgrowing people places moments in time to be something 416 00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:05,359 Speaker 1: that is actually, at its core a gift. It's transformational. 417 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:09,200 Speaker 1: It's not punishment, it's not sadness. It is literally the 418 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:11,719 Speaker 1: whole point of life is to keep growing. So with 419 00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:14,080 Speaker 1: that in mind, as we kind of wrap up the episode, 420 00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:18,160 Speaker 1: let's talk about three easy, concrete ways to keep positive 421 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:23,400 Speaker 1: about our evolution whilst also honoring who we were before 422 00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:27,359 Speaker 1: and our past. Firstly, as you outgrow your old life, 423 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:31,919 Speaker 1: make sure you notice specifically what is different and why 424 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:35,119 Speaker 1: that difference is important. It reminds me of a quote 425 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:38,439 Speaker 1: I saw the other day. I can't remember who said it, 426 00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:42,199 Speaker 1: but it essentially said, each chapter is painful because it 427 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:47,640 Speaker 1: is different, but it is important specifically because of those differences. Basically, 428 00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:52,000 Speaker 1: each period of your life has something uniquely special to 429 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:55,080 Speaker 1: offer that no other part of your life can. Whether 430 00:24:55,119 --> 00:24:58,720 Speaker 1: you're nineteen thirty five seventy ninety, there is always going 431 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:01,760 Speaker 1: to be an experience you are having for the first 432 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:05,960 Speaker 1: time ever that is testing you and expanding you. For 433 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:09,840 Speaker 1: the period you are in right now? What is that experience? 434 00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:13,919 Speaker 1: I think an even more concrete way to tap into 435 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:17,720 Speaker 1: this is to write down what lesson do you think 436 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:20,520 Speaker 1: life is trying to teach you right now? What specific 437 00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:25,080 Speaker 1: seminar course module is life putting you through, and what 438 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,760 Speaker 1: is the learning outcome that you are hoping to see 439 00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:30,000 Speaker 1: at the other end or that you think is being 440 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:33,800 Speaker 1: delivered to you. This is really effective. This, you know, 441 00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:36,639 Speaker 1: coming back to a lesson, trying to identify what the 442 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:40,200 Speaker 1: pattern is is really important because it creates meaning from 443 00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:43,360 Speaker 1: our loss. There is this idea that loss hurts the 444 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,840 Speaker 1: most and is the most profound when it seemingly has 445 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:49,959 Speaker 1: no reason or purpose. So by adding meaning back in, 446 00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:52,439 Speaker 1: you know, I'm this is the lesson I'm taking from this, 447 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:56,040 Speaker 1: we create a narrative to our pain and to our grief, 448 00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:59,160 Speaker 1: and that makes it easier to integrate and easier to tolerate. 449 00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:04,040 Speaker 1: One way to do it secondly, as you feel yourself 450 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:09,119 Speaker 1: transitioning and leaving your old life behind, and specifically, I 451 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:12,000 Speaker 1: think as you feel the urge and the desire to 452 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:16,520 Speaker 1: just like hold on perhaps too tightly, remember who you 453 00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:19,480 Speaker 1: are doing this for. Who is this discomfort going to serve? 454 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:23,280 Speaker 1: The thing is it's you, it's your future self. You 455 00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:27,199 Speaker 1: are willingly subjecting yourself to this change, for better or 456 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:31,840 Speaker 1: for worse, because you know that the reward for future 457 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:35,919 Speaker 1: you is going to be spectacular, the reward of new opportunities, 458 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:40,119 Speaker 1: new growth, new relationships, new experiences. You may not be 459 00:26:40,119 --> 00:26:41,520 Speaker 1: able to feel it right now, but you know it's 460 00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:45,160 Speaker 1: going to be good. The more you can visualize your future, 461 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:48,960 Speaker 1: even like the tiniest details, and the life that your 462 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:51,680 Speaker 1: future self will be enjoying, The more you can picture 463 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:54,040 Speaker 1: the other side of this and the fruits of this change, 464 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,680 Speaker 1: the more it will feel less like a punishment, less 465 00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:01,679 Speaker 1: like a sadness, and more life like I don't know 466 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:06,000 Speaker 1: the right word, maybe a devotion, maybe a beautiful sacrifice, 467 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,800 Speaker 1: maybe even exciting if you can get to that point. 468 00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:11,680 Speaker 1: I spoke about this actually on Instagram the other day, 469 00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:15,639 Speaker 1: but one of the single greatest predictors of success in 470 00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:19,479 Speaker 1: almost everything we do is our ability for what we 471 00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:25,119 Speaker 1: call reverse delay discounting, also called delay gratification, the ability 472 00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:28,679 Speaker 1: to value rewards that come later more than rewards that 473 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:31,679 Speaker 1: come right now. This is essential for choosing to grow 474 00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:34,880 Speaker 1: out of your old life, because, as we said, there 475 00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:38,280 Speaker 1: is going to be a mental and emotional trench period 476 00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:40,680 Speaker 1: where it's like you are just giving pieces of your 477 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:43,919 Speaker 1: life away for free, but then something always comes in 478 00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:46,919 Speaker 1: to fill its place. Always. I know that sounds ridiculous, 479 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:50,399 Speaker 1: maybe very woo woo, but I've seen it happen in 480 00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:53,760 Speaker 1: so many people's lives, people older than me, people younger 481 00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:58,000 Speaker 1: than me, people my age. They leave space, they sacrifice 482 00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:00,280 Speaker 1: parts of their life, something better comes in and fills 483 00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:03,000 Speaker 1: it up. They leave a relationship they knew they shouldn't 484 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:06,159 Speaker 1: be in, and suddenly there is this space open for 485 00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:10,359 Speaker 1: those soulmate level friendships they always wanted. They decide to 486 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:13,200 Speaker 1: quit the job they hated and go back to school. 487 00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:16,440 Speaker 1: There's a hard period, and then there's space to do 488 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:22,520 Speaker 1: something that actually gives them meaning. I guess the important 489 00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:24,760 Speaker 1: thing is to imagine the future as much as you 490 00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:27,560 Speaker 1: are imagining the past, as much as you are fixating 491 00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:29,960 Speaker 1: on what you have lost, Fixate equally on what you 492 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:36,400 Speaker 1: have to gain, and finally, where you feel sadness, leave 493 00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:39,920 Speaker 1: equal space for gratitude. Sometimes when I talk about gratitude, 494 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:43,040 Speaker 1: I feel like I need to make this caveat Gratitude 495 00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:46,800 Speaker 1: isn't meant to drown out all the other emotions. It's 496 00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:50,760 Speaker 1: just meant to sit alongside them. Like I'm sad I'm 497 00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:52,800 Speaker 1: never going to be twenty one again, but I'm so 498 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:57,320 Speaker 1: grateful I had those times. I'm anxious that I'm never 499 00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:00,760 Speaker 1: going to be as happy as I was in that job, 500 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:04,120 Speaker 1: with that person in that place, but I'm so grateful 501 00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:08,320 Speaker 1: I know that a happiness of that kind exists when 502 00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:11,520 Speaker 1: so many people don't. If you can do this, you 503 00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:17,160 Speaker 1: accomplish one of the greatest indicators of human emotional intelligence, 504 00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:21,720 Speaker 1: which is the ability to hold two parallel, perhaps contradictory 505 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:25,600 Speaker 1: truths and emotions at one time and not need to 506 00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:28,680 Speaker 1: cancel them out. That's kind of what life is like. 507 00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:33,160 Speaker 1: That's literally what life is. Holding the good, holding the bad, 508 00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:36,800 Speaker 1: seeing them and seeing that they can exist. They can coexist. 509 00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:38,920 Speaker 1: They don't need to be or life doesn't need to 510 00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:41,000 Speaker 1: be one or the other. On top of that, we 511 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:45,360 Speaker 1: also know from countless neuro and psychological studies that gratitude 512 00:29:45,360 --> 00:29:48,080 Speaker 1: has a physical impact on your brain. Just last year, 513 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:52,640 Speaker 1: the American Brain Foundation put out this massive report showing 514 00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:57,080 Speaker 1: all the ways and all the research that gratitude shows 515 00:29:57,160 --> 00:30:01,240 Speaker 1: up in brain imaging scans, in emotional regulation, in life, satisfaction. 516 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:04,239 Speaker 1: Those are all things we'd probably need when we are 517 00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:08,520 Speaker 1: outgrowing the places that we've been. I also think this 518 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:12,120 Speaker 1: makes for a great journaling exercise, even just a mental exercise. 519 00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:15,320 Speaker 1: Every time you miss something, every time you're confronted by 520 00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:18,320 Speaker 1: the sadness of growing up, write down something you're equally 521 00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:21,280 Speaker 1: excited for, something that you're equally happy that you are 522 00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:24,320 Speaker 1: going to get to experience. My final thing to say 523 00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:27,560 Speaker 1: about the pain of outgrowing your old life is it 524 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:30,240 Speaker 1: can be very lonely, it can be very off putting. 525 00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:33,880 Speaker 1: But don't for a second think life can't get good again, 526 00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:37,600 Speaker 1: and perhaps even better than it was before. I've been 527 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:43,120 Speaker 1: so obsessed with these questionnaires and studies and even personal 528 00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:47,400 Speaker 1: accounts I've been seeing at the moment where people ask 529 00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:49,800 Speaker 1: those in their eighties and nineties, you know, when were 530 00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:56,080 Speaker 1: you the happiest. The amount of them who say fifty, sixty, seventy, 531 00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:59,880 Speaker 1: and the amount of them who's so rarely say twenty 532 00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:04,280 Speaker 1: is so comforting to me. You think it's as good 533 00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:06,920 Speaker 1: as it's going to get. It probably isn't. I also 534 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:09,880 Speaker 1: just always remind myself when I feel like I didn't 535 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:12,320 Speaker 1: get enough time with a certain chapter in my life. 536 00:31:12,880 --> 00:31:15,520 Speaker 1: Would I have wanted to stay there forever? Probably not. 537 00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:19,080 Speaker 1: Would I want that to be my only reality? No? 538 00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:22,360 Speaker 1: And that means that sometimes I don't get the chance 539 00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:25,239 Speaker 1: to decide, or I don't get to choose when a 540 00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:27,800 Speaker 1: new chapter begins. I just have to lean into it 541 00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:31,320 Speaker 1: and just kind of have this blind hope that it 542 00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:34,280 Speaker 1: is what's meant to be, and that some part of 543 00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:42,080 Speaker 1: you knows intuitively and instinctively that this life, this situation 544 00:31:42,280 --> 00:31:47,880 Speaker 1: isn't working. Trust that gut instinct, trust that discomfort that 545 00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:51,520 Speaker 1: we've kind of been trained to ignore, and have enough 546 00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:55,040 Speaker 1: courage to be like, I actually want more for myself, 547 00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:59,959 Speaker 1: even if that means going through a period of limited, 548 00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:05,440 Speaker 1: of emptiness, of pain. I really want what's on the 549 00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:07,920 Speaker 1: other side, and so I'm willing to go through that 550 00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:10,960 Speaker 1: and I can. I can absolutely get through it. So 551 00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:14,960 Speaker 1: that is our episode on the pain of outgrowing your 552 00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:17,600 Speaker 1: old life. I hope that it was helpful, especially if 553 00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:20,120 Speaker 1: you are going through this right now. This has been 554 00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:22,600 Speaker 1: like the entire last six months for me, and I 555 00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:25,560 Speaker 1: do feel like I'm kind of at the new normal, 556 00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:28,160 Speaker 1: on the new normal side of it all, and so 557 00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:29,920 Speaker 1: it's kind of nice looking back and being like, Wow, 558 00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:32,720 Speaker 1: that was really worth it, even though it really sucked 559 00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:35,840 Speaker 1: in many many ways. So I'm hoping that you get 560 00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:39,680 Speaker 1: a similar revelation or a similar epiphany very very soon. 561 00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:42,239 Speaker 1: I'm absolutely certain you're going to make it through. If 562 00:32:42,320 --> 00:32:43,920 Speaker 1: you have made it this far and you are listening 563 00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:47,760 Speaker 1: on Spotify, leave a little comment down below. What stage 564 00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:50,560 Speaker 1: of the seven stage process are you in right now? 565 00:32:51,320 --> 00:32:53,640 Speaker 1: I'm hoping it's near the end, but if it's near 566 00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:56,120 Speaker 1: the beginning, that's all right. You've got a ways to go, 567 00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:57,920 Speaker 1: but it's going to change, it's going to get better 568 00:32:57,960 --> 00:33:01,280 Speaker 1: for you. As always, as a reminder, you can watch 569 00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:03,560 Speaker 1: episodes just like this one on Netflix if you want 570 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:05,720 Speaker 1: to go and check it out and support me and 571 00:33:05,760 --> 00:33:09,200 Speaker 1: the podcast. It is a big thing for Netflix to 572 00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:13,320 Speaker 1: do and to especially entrust us with the psychology of 573 00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:16,160 Speaker 1: your twenties listeners. So yeah, it would really mean the 574 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:18,120 Speaker 1: world if you would check out an episode. You can 575 00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:21,560 Speaker 1: also get in touch and get involved in so many 576 00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:24,680 Speaker 1: other ways. We have a substack, we have an Instagram 577 00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:27,400 Speaker 1: that you can reach out to me through so many 578 00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:30,440 Speaker 1: things all in the description. But again, I hope you 579 00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:33,840 Speaker 1: enjoyed this episode. Until next time, be safe, be kind, 580 00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:37,520 Speaker 1: be gentle to yourself. We will talk very very soon.