Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Oh, Hi Chelsea, Hi, what's going on? I
Speaker 1: just got back from Mexico, and is it? It's still lovely,
Speaker 1: It's still wonderful. I go every year for this girls
Speaker 1: trip with two of my best girlfriends. I leave my
Speaker 1: husband at home. This time there were three dogs to
Speaker 1: take care of, so he's slightly resentful, but has forgiven
Speaker 1: me for just tell him to shut the fuck up.
Speaker 2: Honestly, slightly resentful. Who sperm made those dogs his?
Speaker 1: Absolutely exactly no, But he did great with the pups.
Speaker 1: I was gone and I just hung out and playing
Speaker 1: with Harris with my girlfriends and a lot of tacos,
Speaker 1: and it was great. I like Cabo. Yeah, yes, actually
Speaker 1: I'm going to Cobbo a little later this year.
Speaker 2: Well, oh my god, look at you. You're like just
Speaker 2: a regular globetrotter.
Speaker 1: Where are you going next?
Speaker 2: I have a lot of vacations lined up this summer.
Speaker 2: I'm going to be all over, but I'm gonna be
Speaker 2: globe trotting. I'm going to London, I'm going to Spain.
Speaker 2: I'm going to Africa. My sister and I are going
Speaker 2: to become lesbians. My dream for us to become a
Speaker 2: unit is fine. Happening. She can't resist my advances anymore.
Speaker 2: The other day she sent me a property and said,
Speaker 2: what do you think about buying this together? I was like, Oh,
Speaker 2: here we go. I was like, it's starting. She's starting
Speaker 2: to capitulate to the fact that we are going to
Speaker 2: be long lost lovers.
Speaker 1: Oh fantastic. Which one is it that you're taking as
Speaker 1: your lover, Simone?
Speaker 2: Is I am taking her as lover?
Speaker 1: Sehan is married, of course, but yeah.
Speaker 2: She It was funny because when we were in Maine
Speaker 2: a few years ago, my brother Roy I think I
Speaker 2: mentioned this before, wanted to. I was like, Oh, look,
Speaker 2: we could all get a compound because like eventually, I
Speaker 2: just not eventually for climate change. I want to buy
Speaker 2: like one hundred acres, either in Maine or Northern Canada,
Speaker 2: somewhere along those lines. And I was like, we can
Speaker 2: all have our different houses and you know, on the property,
Speaker 2: and then have a main house. Like this is exactly
Speaker 2: what I wanted to. Yeah, to just live with in a.
Speaker 1: Commune, yes, exactly that you built yourself and it's beautiful and.
Speaker 2: It stays above water. Yes, you know, I'm climate paranoid.
Speaker 2: After reading all the things that I've read so I
Speaker 2: have had to pivot my reading material. You guys, I
Speaker 2: performed at Red Rocks last Wednesday, and it was the
Speaker 2: most epic night, one of the most epic nights of
Speaker 2: my life.
Speaker 1: Well, you posted that you were the first woman to
Speaker 1: ever headline.
Speaker 2: Female comedian, the first female comedian to ever headline there. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I know that's crazy. Hello, Welcome to the future. Anyway,
Speaker 2: that was so fun because I woke up Wednesday and
Speaker 2: Red Rocks is a huge show. There's like eight thousand
Speaker 2: people there. So I get a text from my manager
Speaker 2: or agent and they're like, Okay, it's pouring in Colorado,
Speaker 2: bring more clothes. And I'm like, well, what do you
Speaker 2: mean it's pouring. This is an amphitheater, Like, how do
Speaker 2: I perform in the rain? And they're like, oh, rain
Speaker 2: or shine, it goes on. I'm like, but it's calling
Speaker 2: for Lender. I mean Lounder, you guys was calling for Londer,
Speaker 2: not under And I was like, people could get electrocuted
Speaker 2: with Lounder and they were like, no, no, they have
Speaker 2: a whole system in place. They have a meteorologist that
Speaker 2: works at Red Rocks that checks the storm.
Speaker 1: So if it's actually too unsafe, yeah.
Speaker 2: If it's like three miles within three miles of the venue,
Speaker 2: I learned that they will call off the show. Anyway,
Speaker 2: I went, my sister Smoke came, my bestie Sophie came,
Speaker 2: A bunch of people were there, My agents and managers
Speaker 2: all came out because it was just going to be
Speaker 2: one of those nights. And I never look at the
Speaker 2: stage before I go on stage. Huh, I just don't.
Speaker 2: But this is something else that's not my thing. But
Speaker 2: because it was raining, I went out and I was like,
Speaker 2: I just want to see where the roof stops over
Speaker 2: the performer.
Speaker 1: Are you getting rained?
Speaker 2: Now? What do I need to be wearing out here?
Speaker 2: Because I had my hair done, I had like the
Speaker 2: extension pieces in like you know, and and then I
Speaker 2: saw the stage and the person who was performing was
Speaker 2: just getting so now I was like, wait what. So
Speaker 2: then I went in the bathroom, ripped out all my
Speaker 2: hair pieces, put my hair in a ponytail, rolled up
Speaker 2: my sleeves and I was like, bitch, you need to
Speaker 2: get your head on string because you are basically going
Speaker 2: to be walking around in the rain. And so you
Speaker 2: also got rained on well yeah, but it wasn't as dramatic.
Speaker 2: I mean it was dramatic for the audience members because
Speaker 2: they are the ones that sat there. And they said,
Speaker 2: you don't understand Colorado's because I said, I'm not a
Speaker 2: performing to a half empty you know, we sTLD tons
Speaker 2: of tickets for this. I don't want to perform to
Speaker 2: a half empty house. And they were like, no, Colorados
Speaker 2: are used to it. They don't care. And I can't
Speaker 2: tell you how electrifying the whole night was and almost
Speaker 2: getting I mean it was electrifying with no one getting electrocuted,
Speaker 2: so that a life. But I was on such a
Speaker 2: high and it was so funny. I got home. You know,
Speaker 2: we're all drinking, having a little after party, had friends
Speaker 2: that came from that live in Colorado. We're all out backstage.
Speaker 2: After we go we go to the hotel. You know,
Speaker 2: it's so much fun, and we're just such a celebratory mood.
Speaker 2: And I'm lying in bed, going to sleep, going I'm
Speaker 2: so happy no one's in my bed right now. That
Speaker 2: was the last thing I said. As I was falling asleep.
Speaker 2: I was like, so happy, And then I was just thinking,
Speaker 2: I'm so happy I get to celebrate this a lot.
Speaker 2: You get all to yourself. But it was a real
Speaker 2: pivot because we flew from Denver to the next night,
Speaker 2: I was in New York City. The next night I
Speaker 2: played the Catskills, so that was quite a transition. Cat
Speaker 2: Skills was awesome. Then I went to Bangor, Maine, and
Speaker 2: then I went to Wallingford, Connecticut. So they were all
Speaker 2: very great shows. So I just had a great week.
Speaker 2: And then this weekend I'm performing at Graceland.
Speaker 1: Oh oh my god.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm doing three dates in Tennessee, like Chattanooga and
Speaker 2: Memphis and some other Knoxville. Yep.
Speaker 1: I heard Chattanooga is beautiful. I've never been, but I've
Speaker 1: heard it's wonderful and like the Mountainey and all that stuff.
Speaker 2: Well good, I hope I see that, because you know,
Speaker 2: Tennessee is not my hit list right now. I'm not
Speaker 2: happy with their politics, so it's very hard for me
Speaker 2: to go to these places, even though I know my
Speaker 2: presence is necessary.
Speaker 1: Right it's needed, it's needed. And we get emails all
Speaker 1: the time too about like wait, no, but please come
Speaker 1: to these places that are trying to keep you out
Speaker 1: or like trying to change the laws and all this stuff.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'll be getting a lot of d on Instagram
Speaker 2: and a lot of comments about my Florida, comments about
Speaker 2: not visiting Florida. But I have to say, guys, the
Speaker 2: only way to make a point in any place in
Speaker 2: this country is economically. And even though I'm only one person,
Speaker 2: I hope other artists will follow because it's just unacceptable
Speaker 2: what he's doing down there. He's disgusting, absolutely disgusting politics.
Speaker 2: Now he's trying to ban books from the Holocaust. He's
Speaker 2: took away any sort of affirmative action program they have
Speaker 2: for universities. I'm not sure what the wording is for Florida,
Speaker 2: because it's not called affirmative action down there. I'm sure
Speaker 2: they got rid of that language a while ago. So
Speaker 2: it's just it makes me so sick to my stomach,
Speaker 2: as it should to every American.
Speaker 1: The Daily did a really interesting episode about how Tucker
Speaker 1: Carlson is like literally in Florida, they're taking keys from
Speaker 1: his playbook and there when he flew all those migrants
Speaker 1: to Martha's Vanier. That was something that Tucker Carlson set
Speaker 1: on the air and then he went ahead and did it.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Well, I read an interesting article also about Rupert Murdoch
Speaker 2: Vanity Fair. I guess it was last month. I don't know.
Speaker 2: It was in my hotel room, but it was amazing
Speaker 2: about the dynamic with his family and you know, basically
Speaker 2: how succession is mimicking the whole. He plays the kids
Speaker 2: all against each other. And he had lunch with Ronda
Speaker 2: Santis and his wife about a year ago and said,
Speaker 2: if you are the Republican nominee or if you want
Speaker 2: to run for president, like you have our backing, because
Speaker 2: now Trump and Fox are you know, at our cross roads.
Speaker 2: They're not really, But I don't believe any of these
Speaker 2: people because of what happened last time the Minute gets
Speaker 2: the nomination, they're all going to turn around and be
Speaker 2: like okay, because they'd be willing to take that over,
Speaker 2: you know, another Biden administration of course, and Biden administration.
Speaker 2: I don't have a lot to say about that either.
Speaker 2: Like I I'm for a lot of the things that
Speaker 2: he's done, but I understand that he's also one hundred
Speaker 2: and seventeen years old. Yeah, that's not going to get
Speaker 2: any young people excited, right.
Speaker 1: I will say it has been very nice to just
Speaker 1: not have to think about the president for a couple
Speaker 1: of years.
Speaker 2: I know, it's so nice to not have to think
Speaker 2: about that stuff.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Brad has been rewatching parks and rec and is
Speaker 1: this very hopeful time before twenty sixteen? And man, it
Speaker 1: was a real it was a much simpler time. You're
Speaker 1: reminded of like how how maybe foolish we were and
Speaker 1: hopeful we were that like things were just going to
Speaker 1: keep getting better for everybody.
Speaker 2: I'm not going to participate in the way that I
Speaker 2: did last time by watching the news on ad nauseum.
Speaker 2: I'm not going to let I'm not going to listen
Speaker 2: to Donald Trump speak. I can't take it. It's too upsetting.
Speaker 2: And I'm smarter and wiser now and we have to
Speaker 2: focus on I don't know what we have to focus on,
Speaker 2: quite frankly, I mean it feels slightly, you know, hopeless,
Speaker 2: and I don't ever want to I don't ever want
Speaker 2: people to listen to me and feel hopeless after So
Speaker 2: we're just going to remain positive and know that the
Speaker 2: world is a cyclical place and yep, there are good
Speaker 2: times and bad times, and let's just enjoy the time
Speaker 2: that we're in now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and voting still matters, you know, we do what
Speaker 1: we can to move toward a better tomorrow, as they say.
Speaker 2: And on it's a very special note. We have a
Speaker 2: very special guest. We do you know him? He's in everything.
Speaker 2: I first saw him in the Book of Mormon on Broadway.
Speaker 2: He's had a book called Too Much Is Not Enough,
Speaker 2: and now he has a new book out called Uncle
Speaker 2: of the Year. Please welcome Andrew Raddles. Andrew, did we
Speaker 2: fucking wake you up?
Speaker 3: No? I was just like late. It's almost two thirty
Speaker 3: here in New York, so.
Speaker 2: You were sleeping from last night. Still.
Speaker 3: No, I'm so sorry. Chelsea Handler, that's me. Hi, I'm
Speaker 3: so excited to meet you.
Speaker 2: Hi, and I'm Catherine Last Catherine my co host.
Speaker 1: Hei.
Speaker 3: Hello, how are you.
Speaker 1: I'm just great.
Speaker 2: Well, congratulations Andrew on your book.
Speaker 3: Well, thank you. You know how hard it is to
Speaker 3: write a book and then distribute a book. It's a
Speaker 3: tricky situation.
Speaker 2: It's a lot of work to put out a book.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I'm very proud of this book. I wrote
Speaker 3: one a couple of years ago, and that one seemed
Speaker 3: to sort of come out a little bit easier in
Speaker 3: some ways. This one was a little harder to talk
Speaker 3: about and a little harder to share. But I'm very
Speaker 3: excited to get to share it. You know. The weirdest,
Speaker 3: the weirdest part of it was doing the audio book. Yeah,
Speaker 3: I don't know if you had this.
Speaker 2: I find that to be incredibly annoying.
Speaker 3: Well, I like, I wrote it, and I did all
Speaker 3: of the stuff, and I feel like I really processed
Speaker 3: all of my thoughts. And then I had to like
Speaker 3: read it out loud in front of a weird stranger,
Speaker 3: an engineer who had not read it, by the.
Speaker 2: Way, but gives you notes on your performance and hasn't
Speaker 2: read the book and has never met you.
Speaker 3: Yep, And he was like, it doesn't sound like you.
Speaker 3: And I was like, I'm sorry, what now doesn't sound
Speaker 3: like me? Okay?
Speaker 2: I had a guy go talk more slowly. I don't know,
Speaker 2: That's not how I talk.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it was very strange, but I'm happy with the
Speaker 3: way it all came out.
Speaker 2: But man, a man, So why do you think that
Speaker 2: this experience or the second the second book for you
Speaker 2: was more difficult than the first.
Speaker 3: I feel like the first book was a little more linear.
Speaker 3: It was a little more about like how I started
Speaker 3: into showbiz, and like it felt like a little more
Speaker 3: natural progression. This one is more about more adult stuff.
Speaker 3: I guess it all kind of started because I wrote
Speaker 3: this essay for the New York Times about my anxiety,
Speaker 3: and it's much more personal.
Speaker 1: Can you talk a little bit about your anxiety experience,
Speaker 1: because I know you started therapy because of that, and
Speaker 1: then you know it wound up being a very good
Speaker 1: thing for you because of other things that happen in
Speaker 1: your life.
Speaker 3: I've had many therapists over the years. Some of them
Speaker 3: are great, you know therapists, or it's hard to find
Speaker 3: a good one sometimes. I really struggled during the pandemic.
Speaker 3: I've been very lucky as an actor. I go from
Speaker 3: job to job to job, and then I had a
Speaker 3: really hard time not working and it was really hard
Speaker 3: to like stop and slow down and figure out, well,
Speaker 3: who are you if you don't have a job. And
Speaker 3: that was a really tough thing to figure out.
Speaker 2: And very relatable basically, since everyone was pretty much out
Speaker 2: of a job at the same time. Yeah, even though
Speaker 2: it feels isolated like it's happening to you, I mean,
Speaker 2: in reality, it is happening to the whole world.
Speaker 3: Everyone sort of had that feeling where like the bottom
Speaker 3: just sort of dropped out and you had nothing to do,
Speaker 3: and I thought maybe I could relax into it. But
Speaker 3: I couldn't relax into it. I see, Yeah, and that
Speaker 3: was I thought, maybe, like, well, nothing's happening in everyone's
Speaker 3: on the same page and it's totally fine. I couldn't
Speaker 3: get on board.
Speaker 1: Well, And there is a sort of thing where, you know,
Speaker 1: our identities get wrapped up in what we do. It's
Speaker 1: the thing we spend ten twelve hours a day doing.
Speaker 1: We say, I am a actor, podcast producer, whatever or not.
Speaker 1: That's what I do. So it's difficult. We have to
Speaker 1: separate those two things.
Speaker 2: It's hard to balance the act of your consciousness like spirituality,
Speaker 2: with your reality. Sometimes it's really hard to be the
Speaker 2: person you want to be in a stressful situation sometimes
Speaker 2: and then you're like, fuck, wait, I thought I would
Speaker 2: be able to handle something like this better. Not that
Speaker 2: anyone had, you know, any idea the pandemic was coming,
Speaker 2: but no, but it is.
Speaker 3: That's a very good way to say it. It's like
Speaker 3: I thought maybe I could handle myself better.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think with therapy a lot you did
Speaker 2: you go to therapy before the pandemic as well?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 3: Sure, yeah, yeah, No, I've had I mean like off
Speaker 3: and on for you know, twenty five years. I've had
Speaker 3: a different Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I know from my own experience that you have
Speaker 2: this idea sometimes when you go for a long enough
Speaker 2: period of time that you're fixed and there shouldn't be
Speaker 2: another issue. Like for me, I'm always like, Okay, I
Speaker 2: sorted all of that out. I shouldn't have to face
Speaker 2: anything like that again. And so then when you're faced
Speaker 2: with it again, and you may act in a seemingly
Speaker 2: similar way, you're definitely like, there's self flagellation evolved because
Speaker 2: you're like, fuck, I already learned that lesson what am
Speaker 2: I doing this again for?
Speaker 3: Why did I do it differently? Yeah, I've had many
Speaker 3: different therapists. I have a therapist that I went to
Speaker 3: for many, many years, and I realized I sort of
Speaker 3: hit a wall with this therapist. And I realized when
Speaker 3: I hit the wall, he sort of like I was
Speaker 3: telling him a story and he sort of like glasped
Speaker 3: over it in a little bit like I could I
Speaker 3: could tell he wasn't listening. And then he said to me, Andrew,
Speaker 3: what's too aimful to remember? It's simply hard to forget.
Speaker 3: So what's the laughter? We remember, and I said, did
Speaker 3: you just quote the fucking way we were to me?
Speaker 3: And he said, oh god, I'm so sorry. I guess
Speaker 3: I did. And I said, you quoted the way we
Speaker 3: were to a gay man.
Speaker 1: And thought you wouldn't catch it?
Speaker 2: Was he gay? Because he is now? He's now gay?
Speaker 3: He was not gay? But I was like, how could
Speaker 3: that happen?
Speaker 2: That's so funny and so possibly say that right. I've
Speaker 2: had moments like that with people when they've said something.
Speaker 2: I'm like, that's the end. That's the end of our friendship.
Speaker 2: You just crossed the rubicon.
Speaker 3: Can I tell you one more therapist please? That I
Speaker 3: wrote in my book, And I'm sure my ex boyfriend
Speaker 3: would like my ex boyfriend and I His name was Michael.
Speaker 3: We really tried. We went to a lot of couple's therapy.
Speaker 3: We really really tried. And we went to the couple's therapist.
Speaker 3: He was, you know, talking to a therapist, and he said,
Speaker 3: Andrew sucks the air out of every room we go into.
Speaker 3: It's like I'm not even there. Every time we walk
Speaker 3: into a room. It's like no one even sees me.
Speaker 3: He went on and on and on and then and
Speaker 3: then the therapist said, Andrew, did you hear it? Brian
Speaker 3: just said and I said, his name is Michael. He
Speaker 3: went what and I said, his name is Michael.
Speaker 1: The same thing happened to me. I talked about this
Speaker 1: on an earlier episode. My therapist was like, oh, your
Speaker 1: boyfriend Greg. I'm like, you mean my husband, Brad.
Speaker 2: I love it. I love it.
Speaker 3: Not great, It's not great, Chelsea. Not great.
Speaker 2: I'm going to bring up my favorite story in the book,
Speaker 2: which of course, is you having sex with a married
Speaker 2: man and then having his wife return your panties to you.
Speaker 2: Oh no, yeah, Oh I actually read it. Oh yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: we read it together.
Speaker 3: Read the book.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah. I'm a reader and Catherine is a
Speaker 2: podcast producer, like you said earlier, So that's our job
Speaker 2: to read your book.
Speaker 3: I know, but I didn't think most people actually read it. Oh.
Speaker 1: I forced her Taine to send it to us.
Speaker 3: Oh god, okay. I did have sex with a very
Speaker 3: ultra conservative married man, just like a one night stand,
Speaker 3: and it was a strange situation and I regret doing it.
Speaker 3: I wonder how he's doing now. It's sort of my
Speaker 3: because I've not kept in touch well.
Speaker 2: And then the part about his wife returning your underwear
Speaker 2: to you?
Speaker 1: Yeah, what was the hell like when she started getting
Speaker 1: texts from her being like I want to talk to you.
Speaker 3: Oh that was a little tricky. So I left. He
Speaker 3: sort of took all of my clothing with him, and
Speaker 3: we were doing a musical together. And a couple days
Speaker 3: later she showed up in town and she did arrive
Speaker 3: with my washed and cleaned underwear and like a little baggy.
Speaker 2: Like a sachet.
Speaker 3: Well it was like a little FedEx.
Speaker 2: Bag and was totally fine with the fact that he
Speaker 2: was gallivancing around with men.
Speaker 1: Correct.
Speaker 3: I mean, I don't know if she was fine with it,
Speaker 3: but I think that she had come to terms with it.
Speaker 3: I think she had made up her mind that like,
Speaker 3: we're going to get through this.
Speaker 2: Well, if you think about the dynamic between a gay
Speaker 2: man and a woman, right, like your bestie, whoever your
Speaker 2: best friend is, that's a gay man. Ideally, the best
Speaker 2: chemistry would be for the two of you to be
Speaker 2: married and just like her man on the side, you're
Speaker 2: in a long term relationship. I know you two are
Speaker 2: a very hot couple. You and your boyfriend talks your partner,
Speaker 2: I should say, well, because you're more than boyfriend and boyfriend.
Speaker 3: Right, well, yeah, boyfriends partners. Yeah, we're not married. We
Speaker 3: met doing Boys in the Band together twenty eighteen, and
Speaker 3: we've like, you know, it's the laziest story ever that
Speaker 3: like two actors met doing like a show together. Couldn't
Speaker 3: have been.
Speaker 1: Lazier, I have to say. I told Chelsea this morning.
Speaker 1: I was like, when I realized that's who Andrew Reynolds
Speaker 1: was dating, it was like, the two of you together
Speaker 1: are so incredibly hot as a couple. I was taken aback.
Speaker 2: You also kind of look alike similar, so I'm sure
Speaker 2: you've heard that before.
Speaker 3: We do have a similar vibe.
Speaker 2: Yea, yeah, you look like you're both from a different decade,
Speaker 2: but a very similar.
Speaker 3: Is that narcissistic that I'm sort of dating myself?
Speaker 2: Probably? I mean what else could it be?
Speaker 3: I now dumb actor? DOUWMB actor? Yeah no, And people
Speaker 3: have asked me like, well, how did you guys meet?
Speaker 3: I was like, well, we were playing boyfriends in a
Speaker 3: movie and that's as simple as it is.
Speaker 2: But aren't you like a stepfather?
Speaker 3: Now?
Speaker 2: Doesn't he have two children?
Speaker 3: He does have two children? Yes, you know, am I
Speaker 3: a stepfather? You know? I try my best to sort
Speaker 3: of be as present as possible. I'm not there a lot, unfortunately.
Speaker 3: I work a lot in New York, and he's in
Speaker 3: LA and he's in Los Angeles. Yeah, and I.
Speaker 2: Can just pop over there and look after the kids.
Speaker 2: I love children, So you just tell me when I
Speaker 2: know I can take some of the load off.
Speaker 3: I know you dig a kid. I know that from
Speaker 3: just being a fan. But you know, it's like it's
Speaker 3: tough because I'm gone a lot. I try to be
Speaker 3: as present as possible. I really do.
Speaker 1: I really liked in the book how you talked about
Speaker 1: sometimes having a difficult time connecting with them. Chelsea and
Speaker 1: I have talked about this too. It's like, because they're
Speaker 1: like preteenish, right, they're like eleven.
Speaker 3: Ish, they're ten, okay.
Speaker 1: But it's like sometimes you're like, what do I talk
Speaker 1: about with a ten year old? It can be difful Yeah,
Speaker 1: but you.
Speaker 2: Know, I hate fucking having to make conversation. I fucking
Speaker 2: hate that. So when you're talking to a ten year
Speaker 2: old like that isn't related to you, even when they
Speaker 2: are related to you, sometimes it's like it can be
Speaker 2: a chore. Like that's why people become parents because they're
Speaker 2: ready to take that responsibility on. And I think what
Speaker 2: I find so annoying is that I'm not supposed to
Speaker 2: take that on. I chose not to do that. So
Speaker 2: don't expect me to mingle like with your kids unless
Speaker 2: they're fucking cool. And then I'm into your kids, like
Speaker 2: I'm in really cool kids. My friend Jamie Greenberg has
Speaker 2: a really cool kid, yeah money, and I like her.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but kids are mostly not cool.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're idiots because they haven't grown up yet.
Speaker 3: And and I think being a parent, and I really
Speaker 3: appreciate my siblings skill at this, that they really do
Speaker 3: engage with their kids in a great way. And I
Speaker 3: found that I maybe don't have that skill, Like I
Speaker 3: don't I don't have that like natural thing where I'm like, oh,
Speaker 3: I know how to talk to a kid. I don't
Speaker 3: always know how to. Sometimes I can like sort of
Speaker 3: drop in and be and there are moments with TuS
Speaker 3: kids where like I do it well, but like, sometimes
Speaker 3: I don't do it well, and it's really hard to
Speaker 3: It was a really hard lesson to learn, Oh, you're
Speaker 3: not naturally good at this, and some people are naturally
Speaker 3: good at it. Some people just like know how to
Speaker 3: do it and know how to talk and like fuck
Speaker 3: around with kids. But like I don't have that gene,
Speaker 3: and it was a really hard lesson to figure out. Oh,
Speaker 3: you don't know how to do it, that was tricky.
Speaker 3: I'm good with like the fun stuff I'm good at,
Speaker 3: like messing around at a target, right, doing having some fun,
Speaker 3: I'm good at that. Taking them to school not so good.
Speaker 3: Not so good at making breakfast now that's so good him.
Speaker 2: What do you think that you're really good at, not
Speaker 2: with regard to parenting, but in life in general, Like,
Speaker 2: what do you think one of your greatest gifts is?
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm a pretty good friend, Like I
Speaker 3: keep in touch.
Speaker 2: Well, okay, I think.
Speaker 3: Now you're going to get some responses from my friends.
Speaker 3: They're going to be like, no, he doesn't, No, he doesn't.
Speaker 2: I don't need a lot of things or people to
Speaker 2: be on top of me.
Speaker 3: Well I don't feel like I do either, And I
Speaker 3: feel like sometimes that bites me in the ass a
Speaker 3: little bit, that, like, because I don't need a lot,
Speaker 3: then sometimes I don't maybe necessarily give.
Speaker 2: Ah, yes, sir, I think those two things are yes. Yes.
Speaker 2: I think if you do one, you do the other exactly. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I'm guilty of the same thing.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't need a ton from you, So then
Speaker 3: maybe if I don't always give it back, then I'm
Speaker 3: looked at as sort of being selfish or being I
Speaker 3: don't know. That's a thing that I just sort of
Speaker 3: realized about myself.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but selfish is a judgment, so like you shouldn't
Speaker 2: think about it that way. You should think about like
Speaker 2: are you taking good care of yourself or are you
Speaker 2: actually like ignoring the needs of other people that are
Speaker 2: important to you that kind of thing.
Speaker 3: Well, that's a nice way to say it.
Speaker 1: Well, that's I learned that in therapy.
Speaker 3: I'm going to give you. I'm going to just send
Speaker 3: you like a venmo because I feel like this has
Speaker 3: been a real therapy session.
Speaker 2: Well that's great, because you're you're about to give therapy
Speaker 2: to our callers that we have people live. I know.
Speaker 3: I'm very excited.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so get ready, Catherine is going to give us
Speaker 2: up to get us at speed. Hold on, No, you
Speaker 2: don't get any REPI you don't get.
Speaker 3: Any Is there anything that I should know, like anything
Speaker 3: I should be prepared for you?
Speaker 1: Well, there's a couple of sex questions but we're going
Speaker 1: to take a quick break and we will be back
Speaker 1: with colors and.
Speaker 2: Questions and and we're back.
Speaker 1: We are back. Let's start with a breakup question.
Speaker 3: Oh boy, are you ready? Andrew?
Speaker 2: Are you ready?
Speaker 3: My guess?
Speaker 1: Yes, this might be This might be a quickie, but
Speaker 1: we'll see what comes out of it. This comes from
Speaker 1: Tea in New Zealand. Dear Chelsea, I need to break
Speaker 1: up with my boyfriend. We met last summer when we
Speaker 1: started a new job together. Things moved super quickly. We've
Speaker 1: been dating for about seven months now, but it's just
Speaker 1: not working out. He's still a great person and I
Speaker 1: care about him. I'm a twenty eight year old male
Speaker 1: and he is twenty four. Now. My dilemma is this,
Speaker 1: our work schedules are totally opposite. The days I'm not
Speaker 1: working are the days he is working. And it's just
Speaker 1: how our fixed schedules happen to work out. Not only that,
Speaker 1: but we live eighty five kilometers, which is about fifty
Speaker 1: miles apart from each other.
Speaker 2: Thank you for that conversion.
Speaker 1: You're welcome.
Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you for doing that. I was trying
Speaker 3: to do the math in my head.
Speaker 1: I can't do That's impossible. Even Sirih couldn't do it.
Speaker 1: I had to find again. Okay later. We live fifty
Speaker 1: miles apart from each other and work somewhere in the middle.
Speaker 1: We don't see each other often, and I've been trying
Speaker 1: to schedule a time to hang out, but it's proven unsuccessful.
Speaker 1: He wants to hang out on Wednesday when I'm finished
Speaker 1: with work, but I feel bad. He'd drive all that
Speaker 1: way just for me to end things, and then he'd
Speaker 1: have to drive back. However, I know ending things over
Speaker 1: the phone is like the cliche movie Scumbag Move. Do
Speaker 1: you think it's acceptable in this situation? If you were
Speaker 1: in issues, would you hate the person who broke up
Speaker 1: with you over the phone more than the person who
Speaker 1: made you drive one hundred and seventy kilometers? Thank you, tea.
Speaker 1: I think that's a phone call.
Speaker 2: Then if he's gonna be driving, yeah, that's just the
Speaker 2: right thing to do.
Speaker 1: Like I can't.
Speaker 2: You can't make somebody drive to you to get broken
Speaker 2: up with, right.
Speaker 3: That's so fucking stupid that, first of all, that entire
Speaker 3: conversation is stupid. They're in their twenties, they're not really dating.
Speaker 3: They'd live in the same city, fuck up in a relationship,
Speaker 3: you don't live in the same city. You're in your
Speaker 3: early twenties, You're not.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not a big deal.
Speaker 3: Beating each other.
Speaker 2: It's not a big deal. I'll just go out side
Speaker 2: over the phone. Do not drag that out. That is
Speaker 2: so obnoxious.
Speaker 1: I agreed, no text but phone call.
Speaker 3: Yes, I know. I'm sure they have really cute accents.
Speaker 3: But like done, I'm done. Yeah, I'm done with that one.
Speaker 1: Got a nip it in the bud.
Speaker 2: Next collar, well, our next.
Speaker 1: Collar is Devin. Devin says Dear Chelsea. I'm a twenty
Speaker 1: nine year old gay man living in Portland, Oregon, and
Speaker 1: on Halloween of twenty twenty one, my ex boyfriend of
Speaker 1: two and a half years broke up with me. We
Speaker 1: had a good relationship, but he often felt bound by
Speaker 1: the constraints of our relationship. When we broke up, I
Speaker 1: was utterly devastated. I've come a long way since our
Speaker 1: breakup and have embraced my slutty phase by sleeping with
Speaker 1: dozens and dozens of men and exploring other kinks that
Speaker 1: I didn't have a chance to explore before. My problem
Speaker 1: is this, even after a year and a half of
Speaker 1: being separated. I still feel insecure about seeing my ex
Speaker 1: in public or running into him at a party. Portland
Speaker 1: is a small gay community, and I often see him
Speaker 1: at our local gym. I can't help myself but think
Speaker 1: about the guys he's sleeping with or the men he
Speaker 1: might casually be dating. To add insult to injury, I
Speaker 1: was primarily the bottom in our relationship and he rarely
Speaker 1: let me top. I told him time and time again
Speaker 1: that I wanted to top, but somehow we always found
Speaker 1: ourselves in the same positions. After our breakup, I was
Speaker 1: still logged into his Amazon account when I found a
Speaker 1: douche used to clean your butthole before sex, and I
Speaker 1: really got in my hat about him bottoming for other
Speaker 1: guys when he wouldn't do that. In our relationship, we
Speaker 1: struggled a lot with insecurities on both sides, and both
Speaker 1: suspected the other wanted to sleep with guys with bigger dicks.
Speaker 1: Did these feelings come up in heterosexual relationships as well?
Speaker 1: I've tried to refocus and channel my thoughts other places
Speaker 1: when these things come up, but sometimes I can't help
Speaker 1: but fixate on them. Any advice you have is much
Speaker 1: appreciated much love, Debth and Devin is here with us
Speaker 1: on the phone.
Speaker 2: Devon's here. You can counsel him directly, Andrew. I can't
Speaker 2: wait for.
Speaker 3: This, Devin. I the bottoming conversation. It really took a turn.
Speaker 2: Den, I did not. I was not following hold on
Speaker 2: Devon's muted first. Welcome your role, Andrew, your role? Okay, Devin,
Speaker 2: do you see Andrew? Here's our special guest. How lucky
Speaker 2: are you?
Speaker 3: Hi? Hello, Devin? Have you since found a top that
Speaker 3: satisfies your needs?
Speaker 4: I'm still dating. I actually had a date last night,
Speaker 4: just sort of like casually dating and kind of checking
Speaker 4: things out, all right, So the answer, the short answer
Speaker 4: is no, I just am kind of like still doing
Speaker 4: my thing, sleeping around, doing what I can.
Speaker 3: And what's the Portland scene. Light, it's a big gay scene.
Speaker 4: It's relatively big, I would say, but it's a lot
Speaker 4: of the same people. The pool is still kind of limited,
Speaker 4: it seems like. And a lot of what I've encountered
Speaker 4: is a lot of people are in open relationships.
Speaker 3: Also. I now that's such a weird headache, right, people
Speaker 3: who are like an open relationships and you're like, yeah,
Speaker 3: do it or don't come on now.
Speaker 2: How long have you guys been broken up? You and
Speaker 2: your ex boyfriend.
Speaker 4: About a year and a half, so Halloween of twenty one,
Speaker 4: so quite a while.
Speaker 3: What did you dress up as on Halloween?
Speaker 2: Is that really necessary?
Speaker 3: Chelsea? I think it's impertinent question in this conversation. It's important.
Speaker 4: The last few years I've dressed up is Trixie Mattel.
Speaker 3: Okay, So that, Chelsea, I feel like that's very informative. Okay,
Speaker 3: I feel like we needed to hear that.
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, and then how does that change and pivot
Speaker 2: your thinking?
Speaker 3: Andrew, Well, I feel like you're a power bottom.
Speaker 2: Uh huh Okay, so you're definitely a power bottom. I
Speaker 2: think that it's a long time for you to be
Speaker 2: still obsessing about your ex. So have you been to therapy?
Speaker 4: I have, yes, but it's been quite a while, just
Speaker 4: because I was seeing a woman therapist and her and
Speaker 4: I really hit it off. But then she recommended I
Speaker 4: start singing a gay therapist because I was teaching her
Speaker 4: more than I was I guess getting back. So she
Speaker 4: recommended I see a gay therapist.
Speaker 2: And she sounds like a bottom.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and the two guys that I saw I didn't
Speaker 4: connect with them enough. I felt like I was venting
Speaker 4: more than I was receiving.
Speaker 3: I guess, how are you meeting people in Portland? Are
Speaker 3: you like on apps or is it just sort of
Speaker 3: more of a general you're just hanging out in bars
Speaker 3: and things or.
Speaker 4: A little bit of both, like the Grinder, But it's
Speaker 4: that's a lot of just like hookup culture, you know
Speaker 4: what I mean. Yeah, Whereas like, so I went on
Speaker 4: a date last night in fact, and I saw him
Speaker 4: on Instagram, and that's kind of in a way, and
Speaker 4: I kind of reached out and just kind of went
Speaker 4: out on a limb, like, hey, I think you're really handsome,
Speaker 4: kind of put myself out there. I said, I know
Speaker 4: this is a little forward, but like, I think you're
Speaker 4: really handsome. You seem like a cool guy. Can I
Speaker 4: take you out? So we went out for a drink.
Speaker 3: So how'd that go?
Speaker 4: It was really positive? Yeah, it was really yeah good,
Speaker 4: it was a good experience.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well that's good.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I think you have like a lot going on. I
Speaker 2: think you're like allowing yourself to fix, which is just
Speaker 2: kind of like a mental game that you're playing with yourself.
Speaker 2: And I think, you know, talk therapy is a good
Speaker 2: way to like deal with that, because you shouldn't have
Speaker 2: to be obsessing about, like it's none of your business
Speaker 2: what he's doing with other people. He's not your boyfriend anyway,
Speaker 2: it really doesn't matter. You're gonna have like a succession
Speaker 2: of men in your life moving forward, and regardless of
Speaker 2: Portland being a small town, so what, so like, the
Speaker 2: sooner you warm up to the idea of bumping into
Speaker 2: him and not being so injured by it, I think,
Speaker 2: the sooner that it will become normalized, and the sooner
Speaker 2: you can move on from this kind of tethering you
Speaker 2: have to him.
Speaker 3: That's a very good way to say that, Chelsea is like,
Speaker 3: he's not your ex boyfriend, He's just a man, just
Speaker 3: another person.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you should, like you should actually try to
Speaker 2: bump into him so that the quicker that that happens,
Speaker 2: and the sooner you get the ball rolling of normalizing it,
Speaker 2: even though if it might feel gross right now or
Speaker 2: like you're not ready, I think you should kind of
Speaker 2: just force yourself it's been enough time, and just force
Speaker 2: yourself to be around him when you know you see him,
Speaker 2: be cool. Hey, it's nice to see you don't bring
Speaker 2: anything else other then just complete, like just be cool,
Speaker 2: so that way you can leave that situation, he knows,
Speaker 2: and then you kind of diminish the tension between you two.
Speaker 3: Mm hmm. Yeah.
Speaker 4: And I think I run into him primarily at the gym,
Speaker 4: and like you'll ask me to walk the dog or
Speaker 4: watch her if he's out of town.
Speaker 3: And there's part of it like that I don't.
Speaker 4: Love it either, because I don't like to be in
Speaker 4: his space, Like I don't like going into his apartment.
Speaker 4: I don't mind running into him at the gym, sure,
Speaker 4: but yeah, it's like I don't really want to be
Speaker 4: in a space I don't want to And I think
Speaker 4: part of it's like I identify that I'm still a
Speaker 4: little injured by some of these things, and like it's
Speaker 4: all feels very surface level what we end up talking about.
Speaker 4: It's all like bs, hey, how's it going, Just stupid stuff.
Speaker 4: I feel like there's part of me that I still
Speaker 4: want to talk about some things that I'm injured by
Speaker 4: and some unresolved feelings. I guess, but I don't know
Speaker 4: if I just need to like let that go and
Speaker 4: move on and yeah, yeahybe, you just let that go.
Speaker 2: I think it's a practice of letting things go. It's
Speaker 2: doesn't It's not the easiest thing because you can hold
Speaker 2: grudges against people and lay blame because as long as
Speaker 2: you're doing that, you're kind of the victim. And I
Speaker 2: think there's a little bit of victim victimanus in there,
Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying. I think you should really
Speaker 2: really try to practice letting go of any anger you
Speaker 2: have towards him. Relationships don't work out all the time.
Speaker 2: It's really nobody's fault, you know what I mean, It's
Speaker 2: just a matter of chemistry and longevity. So like, don't
Speaker 2: hold I mean, I know you do, and I know
Speaker 2: we all do. But it's something that you want to
Speaker 2: start thinking about and actually start practicing, Like whether it's
Speaker 2: a mantra, whether it's a meditation, whether it's you reminding
Speaker 2: yourself every morning, like you want to give out love
Speaker 2: not resentment. You know, as long as you're holding on
Speaker 2: to that, it'll kind of have a negative effect on you.
Speaker 3: Sure, Okay, I mean that's something that I could use
Speaker 3: as well.
Speaker 2: So thank you, he's getting double dose. We're giving to you,
Speaker 2: and we're giving advice to you and to Andrew.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, thank you, You've also given it to me, Devin. So, like, now,
Speaker 3: when you're like looking to date people, are you looking
Speaker 3: for the opposite sort of person or are you looking
Speaker 3: for someone who's sort of similar? Like I've not been
Speaker 3: on the dating, but when you're scrolling through, are you
Speaker 3: looking through sort of a similar situation or do you
Speaker 3: feel like you.
Speaker 2: Are you hitting on him right now? Are you, Andrew?
Speaker 3: Are you hitting on the Oh?
Speaker 2: Oh, I'm sorry, Devin?
Speaker 1: Are you looking for someone that's based in New York.
Speaker 2: And sing whoopsy doodle? Anyway, Devin, are you good with
Speaker 2: that advice? Can you start doing that? Can you do
Speaker 2: you understand what I'm saying when I say start practicing it?
Speaker 4: Like does that just sort of like let go kind
Speaker 4: of forget about it, move on, just kind of like
Speaker 4: let the like kind of like give up the resentment.
Speaker 2: Yeah, look at him with love. Like whenever I don't
Speaker 2: like someone, I'm always have to say, I'm like love
Speaker 2: just love people who cares. You don't have to hang
Speaker 2: out with that person, but just show them kindness and love.
Speaker 2: It's just good vibes to be given out anyway, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean?
Speaker 4: Sure? And I think kind of what right now, what's
Speaker 4: kind of happening is begin these little fights or spats
Speaker 4: and so then I like leave kind of like resentful,
Speaker 4: and I'm like upset, and then I.
Speaker 2: Just like, where do you get in fights and spats?
Speaker 3: Well, he's watching his dog.
Speaker 2: Yeah no no, no, no no no no, no, no more
Speaker 2: watching the dog. That's no, that's a wrap on that.
Speaker 2: Like Andrews said, he doesn't like that.
Speaker 1: I don't like that either. Yeah, And you don't need
Speaker 1: to be like his friend. You don't don't need to
Speaker 1: be there to support him.
Speaker 2: Especially, you shouldn't be arguing with your ex boyfriend. There's
Speaker 2: nothing to argue about. You're not together.
Speaker 1: But that makes sense why you're still hung up a
Speaker 1: year and a half later, since there's been this sort
Speaker 1: of punting.
Speaker 2: You are postponing this situation for yourself. So you have
Speaker 2: to stop going over there and taking care of his dog,
Speaker 2: and you certainly have to stop arguing with him. There's
Speaker 2: no more arguing. You just won't participate in it. Okay, yeah, yeah, okay,
Speaker 2: you can do this.
Speaker 4: I can do it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, go get them tiger. Okay, thanks for.
Speaker 4: Calling, all right, Yeah, thank you guys.
Speaker 2: Thanks seven some people need a very firm hand.
Speaker 3: Was a real sweetheart, he was, and.
Speaker 2: He needed a swift kick in the ass because he's.
Speaker 3: Like he did, he cannot watch that man's.
Speaker 2: Dog going over watch oh and then fighting with that
Speaker 2: fuck Oh. I'm like a fucking babysitting your dog. I
Speaker 2: would never babysit anyone's dog. I once babysat this couple's
Speaker 2: I worked with this girl at this restaurant once, and
Speaker 2: she asked me to babysit her dogs and stay at
Speaker 2: her house, which she thought was like fun for me.
Speaker 1: It wasn't.
Speaker 2: And so I decided after two nights, I'm like, I
Speaker 2: can't stay here anymore. So I just wanted to stay
Speaker 2: at my own place or I had a boyfriend or something.
Speaker 2: And so then I would just leave the dogs there
Speaker 2: and go and feed them in the daytime and take
Speaker 2: them for like maybe a walk. Yeah, and I did
Speaker 2: that the whole week. I was like the worst dog
Speaker 2: sitter in the world.
Speaker 3: But they were fine, right.
Speaker 2: Yeah they were. But I wasn't dog sitting them. I
Speaker 2: was feeding them.
Speaker 3: Well, that's one can argue. That's more important.
Speaker 2: Should we have to our next caller, Yes, let's go.
Speaker 3: To our another one. Yeah, I'm very excited.
Speaker 1: Okay, well this look alive.
Speaker 3: What have we got? What have we got?
Speaker 1: Ramone? Ramone? Right, hey, Chelsea, I'm having a serious problem.
Speaker 1: My last three long term relationships have begun well, or
Speaker 1: so I thought, they turned into toxic relationships that involved addiction,
Speaker 1: me being subjected to emotional abuse, manipulation, and sometimes violence.
Speaker 1: I ignored quite a few red flags at the beginning of
Speaker 1: these relationships because I was raised to give people the
Speaker 1: benefit of the doubt. I would also try to ignore
Speaker 1: the bad and focus on the good, hoping they would change,
Speaker 1: and they never did. My question is, how do I
Speaker 1: avoid ending up in yet another relationship with a toxic
Speaker 1: or narcissistic manipulator without sacrificing my belief that people can
Speaker 1: change and deserve second chances. I'm taking some steps already,
Speaker 1: like listening to my intuition, being careful with ignoring red
Speaker 1: flags as they appear, and just generally trying to protect
Speaker 1: my energy and not give it so freely. I appreciate
Speaker 1: any help and insights. Ramone, Hi, Ramone.
Speaker 3: Hi, Ramone, that was a very thorough description of your relationships.
Speaker 3: Thank you for sharing that.
Speaker 5: Well, thank you. Yeah, it's been three in a row
Speaker 5: of verbal and physical abuse, addiction, and then realizing my
Speaker 5: most recent relationship was a narcissist on top of all
Speaker 5: that as well.
Speaker 3: Oh boy, how long did the relationships last?
Speaker 5: So my first with my ex husband was ten years?
Speaker 3: Oh wow?
Speaker 5: Yeah, and then the third one was about five and
Speaker 5: this most recent was three, So it's almost spent twenty years.
Speaker 3: That's a long time. Yeah, Chelsea, what do you I mean?
Speaker 2: I'm sure that you had a lot of childhood trauma,
Speaker 2: have you.
Speaker 5: Yeah, So I was kind of raised to give people
Speaker 5: second chances, and that's part of why I wrote in
Speaker 5: was I don't want to give that up, and I
Speaker 5: want to see people for who they are. But you
Speaker 5: know I did. My dad used to beat my mom,
Speaker 5: and you know, I grew up as an only child.
Speaker 5: So I guess there's a lot of I can relate
Speaker 5: to people and maybe in these situations and I kind
Speaker 5: of bring them in.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Okay, Well I can tell by everything you're saying
Speaker 2: that this is like textbook trauma. You believe that this
Speaker 2: is you deserve this and that you can fix people.
Speaker 2: Then that this is good enough for you, and that's
Speaker 2: not good enough for you, and what you're in charge
Speaker 2: of is changing the narrative of your own story. You're
Speaker 2: the only person in the world that can and say
Speaker 2: this is beneath me. I am no longer settling for this,
Speaker 2: like no one else can do that for you. So
Speaker 2: until you're ready to make that decision and that declaration
Speaker 2: to yourself and to the entire world, then you're going
Speaker 2: to keep bringing these people into your life. You have
Speaker 2: the ability to stop this. It does not have power
Speaker 2: over you. It does not.
Speaker 5: Yeah, with the most recent relationship, I did end it.
Speaker 5: He's still, you know, harassing me here there. But for
Speaker 5: the most part I'm away from it, and I'm being
Speaker 5: more protective of my energy who I give it to,
Speaker 5: who's around me, and just trying to be observant that
Speaker 5: I don't again court that same energy to me. And
Speaker 5: listening to podcasts like this and some other resources I've
Speaker 5: been using is kind of getting me to that headspace
Speaker 5: where I can maybe be a little more defensive without
Speaker 5: giving up my belief that you know, we should bet.
Speaker 2: You don't have to think of it as a negative.
Speaker 2: Those two things aren't mutually exclusive, is what I'm trying
Speaker 2: to say. You can hold all of that in a
Speaker 2: very positive light. It's not like you're rejecting people. You're
Speaker 2: a protect yourself. You don't have to think of it
Speaker 2: as a rejection or as a defense mechanism. It's a
Speaker 2: self preservation as self protection, something that you haven't been
Speaker 2: practicing your entire life because of something that you had
Speaker 2: no control over that happened to you as a child.
Speaker 2: But the difference here is you're an adult now, you
Speaker 2: have all the control, and you're choosing to still set
Speaker 2: up situations that are emblematic of your childhood. So it's
Speaker 2: so much simpler than you even think it is, and
Speaker 2: it's so much easier for somebody like an outsider to
Speaker 2: point it out to you. Right, So I just want
Speaker 2: you to have clarity about how easy this can be
Speaker 2: once you, like really make the decision that you're done.
Speaker 2: And it sounds like you already have.
Speaker 5: Yeah, you know, like I said, that relationship's over, I
Speaker 5: still feel for these people, you know, and I wish
Speaker 5: them ill. I want them to meet the most successful
Speaker 5: people on the planet just over there, you know, away
Speaker 5: from me. And you know, when I left this person,
Speaker 5: I said, look, I got to look out for me.
Speaker 5: I got to protect myself because I was getting to
Speaker 5: a really kind of dangerous space, Like it was just
Speaker 5: very stressful. I was constantly like fight or flight. I
Speaker 5: couldn't sleep because I'm like, is it going to come
Speaker 5: into the bedroom and cause a scene or do something drastic.
Speaker 5: So but now I'm in my own place, my own space,
Speaker 5: and just trying to focus. As you said, I'm protecting myself.
Speaker 5: But just you know, I don't want to lose that
Speaker 5: empathy for the people.
Speaker 2: You're not going to lose that. You don't lose that stuff.
Speaker 2: That stuff is ingrained in you. You know, you either
Speaker 2: have empathy and you don't. I mean, you can gain
Speaker 2: empathy if you don't have it, you can practice it.
Speaker 2: I've done that, But you don't lose what you have,
Speaker 2: Like that's a natural gift. Most people have it, some don't.
Speaker 2: But you know, that's a separate conversation. But I believe
Speaker 2: in you. I believe that you can totally make these changes.
Speaker 2: I know you can because you're thinking about it and
Speaker 2: you don't have to be worried about you know, these
Speaker 2: kinds of people coming into your life. You know how
Speaker 2: to recognize it right away. Like you have a huge
Speaker 2: advantage and it's not a rejection. It's a protection. Just
Speaker 2: put a positive word to every negative word you're thinking,
Speaker 2: because there always is one and it's usually the opposite.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And you don't have to think of empathy as
Speaker 1: like this thing you're going to lose. The truth is
Speaker 1: like there are red flags, there are orange flags, there
Speaker 1: are yellow flags. So as you move forward.
Speaker 2: Trying to a purple, I'm blue and green. Yeah.
Speaker 1: But just because you have empathy for someone doesn't mean
Speaker 1: you need to let them into your innermost being or
Speaker 1: you're checking account or or your life or your life
Speaker 1: or any of those other things. Like Chelsea said, protecting
Speaker 1: your energy and recognizing like, oh this person is showing
Speaker 1: me red flags that means they're not a good partner
Speaker 1: for me, but like I can still be friends with
Speaker 1: them whatever. But seeing like some yellow flags like that
Speaker 1: might be okay. It just depends on what that is
Speaker 1: for you. But also knowing like you have a history
Speaker 1: of being okay with those red flags coming into your space.
Speaker 5: That's part of that acceptance. You know, I accept the
Speaker 5: people as they are, And I'm good at compartmentalizing things
Speaker 5: because I think I did that as a kid. It
Speaker 5: compartmentalized on my dad beat my mom, but he also
Speaker 5: loves me, So how do I resolve that? So when
Speaker 5: a person's terrible to me, I'm like, well, but they're
Speaker 5: really sweet here, so I'll just put this away and
Speaker 5: I'll fix it later or we'll work on that. But yeah, now,
Speaker 5: I mean, after you know, eighteen years of this, I
Speaker 5: think I'm done hopefully, But yeah, I think that the
Speaker 5: key is I just didn't want to just be so
Speaker 5: cold and just like shut it all off, but kind
Speaker 5: of bouncing it better, not giving it away and you know,
Speaker 5: losing that part of me.
Speaker 2: But also like you're the conductor. It's not up to
Speaker 2: other people, It's up to you. So it's easy when
Speaker 2: you're in charge to you know that, like, Okay, I'm
Speaker 2: the one who who's making these decisions ultimately to allow
Speaker 2: these people into your lives. So it's not like, you know,
Speaker 2: you have to defer to somebody else or you have
Speaker 2: a partner that you're who's doing this. It's you, so
Speaker 2: even and easier to fix.
Speaker 1: I wonder if there is an opportunity here because you
Speaker 1: are continually attracted to these people who are.
Speaker 2: Horrible, You're gone to read that book attached also that
Speaker 2: talks all about these kinds of unhealthy attachments. Have you
Speaker 2: read that?
Speaker 5: I got it on my audio read.
Speaker 2: It started today.
Speaker 1: Please there might be a way to bring in some reinforcements,
Speaker 1: whether that's the friend who's been telling you for years
Speaker 1: that this guy's bad for you, he's awful for you,
Speaker 1: way bringing in a friend, bringing in a therapist to
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, here's what I'm experiencing in this new relationship.
Speaker 1: Is this actually healthy? Is this something I should move
Speaker 1: toward or cut off right now or move into the
Speaker 1: friend zone right now?
Speaker 5: Yeah, my company has some resources for therapy that I'm
Speaker 5: going to, you know, look into, because it's just unaccepted.
Speaker 5: I can't do it anymore. Like, I mean, it's just
Speaker 5: been too long, you know, at my age, I don't
Speaker 5: want to have another one of these pop ups. So yeah,
Speaker 5: I definitely want to focus on making that not happen again.
Speaker 1: So yeah, and they're not your responsibility, you know, these
Speaker 1: these other people in the relationship.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Ramone, go get your act together. I've got faith
Speaker 2: in you.
Speaker 5: Thank you. And like I said this podcast, actually when
Speaker 5: I was in the darkest times with this person, helped
Speaker 5: me get away from it because these conversations that you
Speaker 5: have with people and the people you have calling in.
Speaker 5: It really did help me a lot.
Speaker 2: Thank you. I'd love to hear that.
Speaker 3: All right.
Speaker 1: Well, thanks for calling in ramone.
Speaker 5: Thank you guys.
Speaker 3: Jesus.
Speaker 2: Yeah, lots of serious you got down your business. We're
Speaker 2: running a medical practice here. This is serious ship.
Speaker 3: I know you're doctors.
Speaker 2: Everyone needs a self esteem boost, everybody. Everybody needs like
Speaker 2: an injection of self esteem every morning.
Speaker 3: It is really true. I think we could all use that.
Speaker 2: I know, I wish I knew what that could be.
Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like you come in the room
Speaker 1: and it's an injection of self esteem. It's just like
Speaker 1: like you give that to yourself in the morning because
Speaker 1: you come in the room and it's just like here,
Speaker 1: I am, I'm present. I don't know. It's big energy
Speaker 1: in a good way.
Speaker 2: Thank you. I appreciate that you are good energy. Andrew.
Speaker 2: I think let's take a quick break. Okay, Oh my god,
Speaker 2: you you always interrupt the breaks, Andrew, God, there's so long. Okay,
Speaker 2: We're going to take a quick break. Andrew's not going
Speaker 2: to say anything, and then we'll be right back and
Speaker 2: we're back.
Speaker 1: We are back. This one should be an easy one.
Speaker 1: For Andrew. I'm back, I'm back, He's back. Dear Chelsea,
Speaker 1: I'm forty one and my boyfriend is twenty six. We
Speaker 1: met almost two years ago and he was super inexperienced sexually.
Speaker 1: When we met, we agreed we'd have an open relationship,
Speaker 1: but so far we've been monogamous. Our sex is very
Speaker 1: regular but incredibly vanilla. I've tried to spice it up,
Speaker 1: but it's been met with very little enthusiasm. I feel
Speaker 1: like he needs to experience more dick, a variety of dick.
Speaker 1: The thing is, I get anxiety when I think about
Speaker 1: opening him up to others, but I really think it's
Speaker 1: time to bring this up. What's your advice for go
Speaker 1: out and get some dick? What's your advice for getting
Speaker 1: myself comfortable and accepting that this young guy deserves my
Speaker 1: permission for more penetration? Robert Andrew, Robert Robert No.
Speaker 3: No, he's forty one and his boyfriend is twenty six.
Speaker 1: Yes, and they've been talked together since his everyone was
Speaker 1: twenty four.
Speaker 3: No, get no, let him go, set him.
Speaker 1: Free, like totally go yeah or a little bit who cares?
Speaker 2: Just let yeah, he let him? I mean, you can't
Speaker 2: force him to go get Dick. No, but you can
Speaker 2: make the suggestion.
Speaker 3: Yes, No, let him go, Robert, let him go.
Speaker 2: Everyone needs to sew their oats. I really am a
Speaker 2: firm believer of that. I mean, how do you know
Speaker 2: what you like unless you try tons of different things.
Speaker 3: Yes, you do a bunch of different stuff and then
Speaker 3: figure it out. No, Robert, let him go.
Speaker 2: How old were you when you lost your virginity? Andrew?
Speaker 3: I was sixteen?
Speaker 1: Are you gold star that? I'm a gold start woman?
Speaker 3: Gold star? But not platinum?
Speaker 1: Oh wait, what's platinum?
Speaker 3: Born via C section?
Speaker 2: So never touched him, touched a vagina?
Speaker 1: Got it?
Speaker 2: I'm good enough.
Speaker 1: Platinum, okay, fantastic.
Speaker 2: What's better than the platinum? Anything? No, I mean I
Speaker 2: don't know there weren't father, If your mother was a
Speaker 2: father and you never were even inside a woman's body? Well, no,
Speaker 2: that because you have to Well no, I have to
Speaker 2: take that one through.
Speaker 3: Workshop it, workshop it, I will.
Speaker 2: I'll continue to workshop it. I'm sure it won't offend
Speaker 2: anybody me questioning. Right, Well, we're ready to wrap it up, Andrew,
Speaker 2: I'm going to encourage everybody to get your book.
Speaker 3: Well, thank you so much. And I can't thank you
Speaker 3: enough for having me again, huge, huge fan, first time caller,
Speaker 3: but longtime listener, and man, no man, am I a
Speaker 3: fan of yours And I'm so happy to meet you.
Speaker 2: Thanks, honey, it's so nice to meet you.
Speaker 3: We can end with that something, of course.
Speaker 2: Wait, make sure you guys all get a copy of
Speaker 2: Uncle of the Year. That's his second book, andrew second book.
Speaker 2: Congratulations on the publication. It's very funny. Everybody grab a
Speaker 2: copy and read it. You're going to love it.
Speaker 1: Thank you, no problem, have a great.
Speaker 3: Day, Thank you, bye bye.
Speaker 2: And I have just announced new stand updates for my
Speaker 2: Little Big Bitch tour.
Speaker 3: Guys.
Speaker 2: I announced twenty five new cities. These are probably a
Speaker 2: lot of the cities people have been mentioning in the comments.
Speaker 2: I start out in East Hampton.
Speaker 1: I go to New York, d C.
Speaker 2: During North Carolina, LA, Phoenix, Cleveland, Columbus, Pittsburgh, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Portland,
Speaker 2: to name just some. I will be performing at the
Speaker 2: Kennedy Center, everybody that's in DC October sixth. I'm super
Speaker 2: psyched to be performing there.
Speaker 1: Also.
Speaker 2: I just outed second shows in New York, DC, Seattle,
Speaker 2: and San Francisco. There are more I have dates coming
Speaker 2: up for the next three months and then more dates
Speaker 2: coming up in the fall. So those have all been announced.
Speaker 1: They're on my Instagram page, or you can go to
Speaker 1: Chelsea Hamma dot com. Thank you. If you'd like advice
Speaker 1: from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast
Speaker 1: at gmail dot com and be sure to include your
Speaker 1: phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad
Speaker 1: Dickert executive producer Katherine Law and be sure to check
Speaker 1: out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com.