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Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Oh, Hi Chelsea, Hi, what's going on? I

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Speaker 1: just got back from Mexico, and is it? It's still lovely,

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Speaker 1: It's still wonderful. I go every year for this girls

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Speaker 1: trip with two of my best girlfriends. I leave my

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Speaker 1: husband at home. This time there were three dogs to

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Speaker 1: take care of, so he's slightly resentful, but has forgiven

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Speaker 1: me for just tell him to shut the fuck up.

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Speaker 2: Honestly, slightly resentful. Who sperm made those dogs his?

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Speaker 1: Absolutely exactly no, But he did great with the pups.

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Speaker 1: I was gone and I just hung out and playing

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Speaker 1: with Harris with my girlfriends and a lot of tacos,

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Speaker 1: and it was great. I like Cabo. Yeah, yes, actually

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Speaker 1: I'm going to Cobbo a little later this year.

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Speaker 2: Well, oh my god, look at you. You're like just

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Speaker 2: a regular globetrotter.

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Speaker 1: Where are you going next?

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Speaker 2: I have a lot of vacations lined up this summer.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to be all over, but I'm gonna be

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Speaker 2: globe trotting. I'm going to London, I'm going to Spain.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to Africa. My sister and I are going

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Speaker 2: to become lesbians. My dream for us to become a

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Speaker 2: unit is fine. Happening. She can't resist my advances anymore.

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Speaker 2: The other day she sent me a property and said,

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Speaker 2: what do you think about buying this together? I was like, Oh,

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Speaker 2: here we go. I was like, it's starting. She's starting

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Speaker 2: to capitulate to the fact that we are going to

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Speaker 2: be long lost lovers.

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Speaker 1: Oh fantastic. Which one is it that you're taking as

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Speaker 1: your lover, Simone?

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Speaker 2: Is I am taking her as lover?

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Speaker 1: Sehan is married, of course, but yeah.

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Speaker 2: She It was funny because when we were in Maine

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Speaker 2: a few years ago, my brother Roy I think I

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Speaker 2: mentioned this before, wanted to. I was like, Oh, look,

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Speaker 2: we could all get a compound because like eventually, I

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Speaker 2: just not eventually for climate change. I want to buy

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Speaker 2: like one hundred acres, either in Maine or Northern Canada,

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Speaker 2: somewhere along those lines. And I was like, we can

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Speaker 2: all have our different houses and you know, on the property,

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Speaker 2: and then have a main house. Like this is exactly

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Speaker 2: what I wanted to. Yeah, to just live with in a.

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Speaker 1: Commune, yes, exactly that you built yourself and it's beautiful and.

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Speaker 2: It stays above water. Yes, you know, I'm climate paranoid.

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Speaker 2: After reading all the things that I've read so I

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Speaker 2: have had to pivot my reading material. You guys, I

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Speaker 2: performed at Red Rocks last Wednesday, and it was the

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Speaker 2: most epic night, one of the most epic nights of

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Speaker 2: my life.

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Speaker 1: Well, you posted that you were the first woman to

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Speaker 1: ever headline.

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Speaker 2: Female comedian, the first female comedian to ever headline there. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I know that's crazy. Hello, Welcome to the future. Anyway,

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Speaker 2: that was so fun because I woke up Wednesday and

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Speaker 2: Red Rocks is a huge show. There's like eight thousand

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Speaker 2: people there. So I get a text from my manager

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Speaker 2: or agent and they're like, Okay, it's pouring in Colorado,

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Speaker 2: bring more clothes. And I'm like, well, what do you

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Speaker 2: mean it's pouring. This is an amphitheater, Like, how do

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Speaker 2: I perform in the rain? And they're like, oh, rain

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Speaker 2: or shine, it goes on. I'm like, but it's calling

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Speaker 2: for Lender. I mean Lounder, you guys was calling for Londer,

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Speaker 2: not under And I was like, people could get electrocuted

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Speaker 2: with Lounder and they were like, no, no, they have

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Speaker 2: a whole system in place. They have a meteorologist that

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Speaker 2: works at Red Rocks that checks the storm.

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Speaker 1: So if it's actually too unsafe, yeah.

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Speaker 2: If it's like three miles within three miles of the venue,

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Speaker 2: I learned that they will call off the show. Anyway,

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Speaker 2: I went, my sister Smoke came, my bestie Sophie came,

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Speaker 2: A bunch of people were there, My agents and managers

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Speaker 2: all came out because it was just going to be

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Speaker 2: one of those nights. And I never look at the

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Speaker 2: stage before I go on stage. Huh, I just don't.

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Speaker 2: But this is something else that's not my thing. But

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Speaker 2: because it was raining, I went out and I was like,

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Speaker 2: I just want to see where the roof stops over

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Speaker 2: the performer.

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Speaker 1: Are you getting rained?

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Speaker 2: Now? What do I need to be wearing out here?

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Speaker 2: Because I had my hair done, I had like the

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Speaker 2: extension pieces in like you know, and and then I

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Speaker 2: saw the stage and the person who was performing was

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Speaker 2: just getting so now I was like, wait what. So

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Speaker 2: then I went in the bathroom, ripped out all my

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Speaker 2: hair pieces, put my hair in a ponytail, rolled up

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Speaker 2: my sleeves and I was like, bitch, you need to

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Speaker 2: get your head on string because you are basically going

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Speaker 2: to be walking around in the rain. And so you

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Speaker 2: also got rained on well yeah, but it wasn't as dramatic.

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Speaker 2: I mean it was dramatic for the audience members because

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Speaker 2: they are the ones that sat there. And they said,

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Speaker 2: you don't understand Colorado's because I said, I'm not a

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Speaker 2: performing to a half empty you know, we sTLD tons

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Speaker 2: of tickets for this. I don't want to perform to

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Speaker 2: a half empty house. And they were like, no, Colorados

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Speaker 2: are used to it. They don't care. And I can't

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Speaker 2: tell you how electrifying the whole night was and almost

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Speaker 2: getting I mean it was electrifying with no one getting electrocuted,

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Speaker 2: so that a life. But I was on such a

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Speaker 2: high and it was so funny. I got home. You know,

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Speaker 2: we're all drinking, having a little after party, had friends

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Speaker 2: that came from that live in Colorado. We're all out backstage.

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Speaker 2: After we go we go to the hotel. You know,

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Speaker 2: it's so much fun, and we're just such a celebratory mood.

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Speaker 2: And I'm lying in bed, going to sleep, going I'm

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Speaker 2: so happy no one's in my bed right now. That

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Speaker 2: was the last thing I said. As I was falling asleep.

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Speaker 2: I was like, so happy, And then I was just thinking,

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Speaker 2: I'm so happy I get to celebrate this a lot.

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Speaker 2: You get all to yourself. But it was a real

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Speaker 2: pivot because we flew from Denver to the next night,

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Speaker 2: I was in New York City. The next night I

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Speaker 2: played the Catskills, so that was quite a transition. Cat

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Speaker 2: Skills was awesome. Then I went to Bangor, Maine, and

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Speaker 2: then I went to Wallingford, Connecticut. So they were all

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Speaker 2: very great shows. So I just had a great week.

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Speaker 2: And then this weekend I'm performing at Graceland.

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Speaker 1: Oh oh my god.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm doing three dates in Tennessee, like Chattanooga and

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Speaker 2: Memphis and some other Knoxville. Yep.

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Speaker 1: I heard Chattanooga is beautiful. I've never been, but I've

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Speaker 1: heard it's wonderful and like the Mountainey and all that stuff.

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Speaker 2: Well good, I hope I see that, because you know,

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Speaker 2: Tennessee is not my hit list right now. I'm not

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Speaker 2: happy with their politics, so it's very hard for me

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Speaker 2: to go to these places, even though I know my

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Speaker 2: presence is necessary.

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Speaker 1: Right it's needed, it's needed. And we get emails all

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Speaker 1: the time too about like wait, no, but please come

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Speaker 1: to these places that are trying to keep you out

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Speaker 1: or like trying to change the laws and all this stuff.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'll be getting a lot of d on Instagram

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Speaker 2: and a lot of comments about my Florida, comments about

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Speaker 2: not visiting Florida. But I have to say, guys, the

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Speaker 2: only way to make a point in any place in

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Speaker 2: this country is economically. And even though I'm only one person,

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Speaker 2: I hope other artists will follow because it's just unacceptable

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Speaker 2: what he's doing down there. He's disgusting, absolutely disgusting politics.

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Speaker 2: Now he's trying to ban books from the Holocaust. He's

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Speaker 2: took away any sort of affirmative action program they have

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Speaker 2: for universities. I'm not sure what the wording is for Florida,

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Speaker 2: because it's not called affirmative action down there. I'm sure

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Speaker 2: they got rid of that language a while ago. So

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Speaker 2: it's just it makes me so sick to my stomach,

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Speaker 2: as it should to every American.

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Speaker 1: The Daily did a really interesting episode about how Tucker

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Speaker 1: Carlson is like literally in Florida, they're taking keys from

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Speaker 1: his playbook and there when he flew all those migrants

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Speaker 1: to Martha's Vanier. That was something that Tucker Carlson set

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Speaker 1: on the air and then he went ahead and did it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Well, I read an interesting article also about Rupert Murdoch

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Speaker 2: Vanity Fair. I guess it was last month. I don't know.

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Speaker 2: It was in my hotel room, but it was amazing

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Speaker 2: about the dynamic with his family and you know, basically

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Speaker 2: how succession is mimicking the whole. He plays the kids

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Speaker 2: all against each other. And he had lunch with Ronda

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Speaker 2: Santis and his wife about a year ago and said,

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Speaker 2: if you are the Republican nominee or if you want

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Speaker 2: to run for president, like you have our backing, because

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Speaker 2: now Trump and Fox are you know, at our cross roads.

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Speaker 2: They're not really, But I don't believe any of these

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Speaker 2: people because of what happened last time the Minute gets

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Speaker 2: the nomination, they're all going to turn around and be

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Speaker 2: like okay, because they'd be willing to take that over,

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Speaker 2: you know, another Biden administration of course, and Biden administration.

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Speaker 2: I don't have a lot to say about that either.

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Speaker 2: Like I I'm for a lot of the things that

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Speaker 2: he's done, but I understand that he's also one hundred

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Speaker 2: and seventeen years old. Yeah, that's not going to get

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Speaker 2: any young people excited, right.

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Speaker 1: I will say it has been very nice to just

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Speaker 1: not have to think about the president for a couple

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Speaker 1: of years.

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Speaker 2: I know, it's so nice to not have to think

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Speaker 2: about that stuff.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Brad has been rewatching parks and rec and is

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Speaker 1: this very hopeful time before twenty sixteen? And man, it

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Speaker 1: was a real it was a much simpler time. You're

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Speaker 1: reminded of like how how maybe foolish we were and

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Speaker 1: hopeful we were that like things were just going to

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Speaker 1: keep getting better for everybody.

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Speaker 2: I'm not going to participate in the way that I

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Speaker 2: did last time by watching the news on ad nauseum.

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Speaker 2: I'm not going to let I'm not going to listen

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Speaker 2: to Donald Trump speak. I can't take it. It's too upsetting.

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Speaker 2: And I'm smarter and wiser now and we have to

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Speaker 2: focus on I don't know what we have to focus on,

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Speaker 2: quite frankly, I mean it feels slightly, you know, hopeless,

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Speaker 2: and I don't ever want to I don't ever want

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Speaker 2: people to listen to me and feel hopeless after So

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Speaker 2: we're just going to remain positive and know that the

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Speaker 2: world is a cyclical place and yep, there are good

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Speaker 2: times and bad times, and let's just enjoy the time

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Speaker 2: that we're in now.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and voting still matters, you know, we do what

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Speaker 1: we can to move toward a better tomorrow, as they say.

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Speaker 2: And on it's a very special note. We have a

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Speaker 2: very special guest. We do you know him? He's in everything.

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Speaker 2: I first saw him in the Book of Mormon on Broadway.

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Speaker 2: He's had a book called Too Much Is Not Enough,

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Speaker 2: and now he has a new book out called Uncle

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Speaker 2: of the Year. Please welcome Andrew Raddles. Andrew, did we

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Speaker 2: fucking wake you up?

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Speaker 3: No? I was just like late. It's almost two thirty

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Speaker 3: here in New York, so.

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Speaker 2: You were sleeping from last night. Still.

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Speaker 3: No, I'm so sorry. Chelsea Handler, that's me. Hi, I'm

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Speaker 3: so excited to meet you.

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Speaker 2: Hi, and I'm Catherine Last Catherine my co host.

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Speaker 1: Hei.

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Speaker 3: Hello, how are you.

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Speaker 1: I'm just great.

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Speaker 2: Well, congratulations Andrew on your book.

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Speaker 3: Well, thank you. You know how hard it is to

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Speaker 3: write a book and then distribute a book. It's a

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Speaker 3: tricky situation.

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Speaker 2: It's a lot of work to put out a book.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and I'm very proud of this book. I wrote

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Speaker 3: one a couple of years ago, and that one seemed

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Speaker 3: to sort of come out a little bit easier in

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Speaker 3: some ways. This one was a little harder to talk

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Speaker 3: about and a little harder to share. But I'm very

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Speaker 3: excited to get to share it. You know. The weirdest,

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Speaker 3: the weirdest part of it was doing the audio book. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: I don't know if you had this.

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Speaker 2: I find that to be incredibly annoying.

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Speaker 3: Well, I like, I wrote it, and I did all

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Speaker 3: of the stuff, and I feel like I really processed

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Speaker 3: all of my thoughts. And then I had to like

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Speaker 3: read it out loud in front of a weird stranger,

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Speaker 3: an engineer who had not read it, by the.

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Speaker 2: Way, but gives you notes on your performance and hasn't

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Speaker 2: read the book and has never met you.

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Speaker 3: Yep, And he was like, it doesn't sound like you.

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Speaker 3: And I was like, I'm sorry, what now doesn't sound

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Speaker 3: like me? Okay?

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Speaker 2: I had a guy go talk more slowly. I don't know,

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Speaker 2: That's not how I talk.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it was very strange, but I'm happy with the

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Speaker 3: way it all came out.

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Speaker 2: But man, a man, So why do you think that

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Speaker 2: this experience or the second the second book for you

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Speaker 2: was more difficult than the first.

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Speaker 3: I feel like the first book was a little more linear.

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Speaker 3: It was a little more about like how I started

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Speaker 3: into showbiz, and like it felt like a little more

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Speaker 3: natural progression. This one is more about more adult stuff.

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Speaker 3: I guess it all kind of started because I wrote

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Speaker 3: this essay for the New York Times about my anxiety,

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Speaker 3: and it's much more personal.

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Speaker 1: Can you talk a little bit about your anxiety experience,

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Speaker 1: because I know you started therapy because of that, and

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Speaker 1: then you know it wound up being a very good

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Speaker 1: thing for you because of other things that happen in

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Speaker 1: your life.

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Speaker 3: I've had many therapists over the years. Some of them

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Speaker 3: are great, you know therapists, or it's hard to find

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Speaker 3: a good one sometimes. I really struggled during the pandemic.

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Speaker 3: I've been very lucky as an actor. I go from

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Speaker 3: job to job to job, and then I had a

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Speaker 3: really hard time not working and it was really hard

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Speaker 3: to like stop and slow down and figure out, well,

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Speaker 3: who are you if you don't have a job. And

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Speaker 3: that was a really tough thing to figure out.

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Speaker 2: And very relatable basically, since everyone was pretty much out

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Speaker 2: of a job at the same time. Yeah, even though

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Speaker 2: it feels isolated like it's happening to you, I mean,

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Speaker 2: in reality, it is happening to the whole world.

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Speaker 3: Everyone sort of had that feeling where like the bottom

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Speaker 3: just sort of dropped out and you had nothing to do,

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Speaker 3: and I thought maybe I could relax into it. But

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Speaker 3: I couldn't relax into it. I see, Yeah, and that

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Speaker 3: was I thought, maybe, like, well, nothing's happening in everyone's

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Speaker 3: on the same page and it's totally fine. I couldn't

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Speaker 3: get on board.

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Speaker 1: Well, And there is a sort of thing where, you know,

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Speaker 1: our identities get wrapped up in what we do. It's

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Speaker 1: the thing we spend ten twelve hours a day doing.

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Speaker 1: We say, I am a actor, podcast producer, whatever or not.

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Speaker 1: That's what I do. So it's difficult. We have to

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Speaker 1: separate those two things.

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Speaker 2: It's hard to balance the act of your consciousness like spirituality,

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Speaker 2: with your reality. Sometimes it's really hard to be the

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Speaker 2: person you want to be in a stressful situation sometimes

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Speaker 2: and then you're like, fuck, wait, I thought I would

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Speaker 2: be able to handle something like this better. Not that

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Speaker 2: anyone had, you know, any idea the pandemic was coming,

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Speaker 2: but no, but it is.

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Speaker 3: That's a very good way to say it. It's like

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Speaker 3: I thought maybe I could handle myself better.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think with therapy a lot you did

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Speaker 2: you go to therapy before the pandemic as well?

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Speaker 1: Yes?

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Speaker 3: Sure, yeah, yeah, No, I've had I mean like off

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Speaker 3: and on for you know, twenty five years. I've had

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Speaker 3: a different Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I know from my own experience that you have

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Speaker 2: this idea sometimes when you go for a long enough

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Speaker 2: period of time that you're fixed and there shouldn't be

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Speaker 2: another issue. Like for me, I'm always like, Okay, I

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Speaker 2: sorted all of that out. I shouldn't have to face

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Speaker 2: anything like that again. And so then when you're faced

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Speaker 2: with it again, and you may act in a seemingly

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Speaker 2: similar way, you're definitely like, there's self flagellation evolved because

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Speaker 2: you're like, fuck, I already learned that lesson what am

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Speaker 2: I doing this again for?

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Speaker 3: Why did I do it differently? Yeah, I've had many

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Speaker 3: different therapists. I have a therapist that I went to

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Speaker 3: for many, many years, and I realized I sort of

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Speaker 3: hit a wall with this therapist. And I realized when

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Speaker 3: I hit the wall, he sort of like I was

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Speaker 3: telling him a story and he sort of like glasped

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Speaker 3: over it in a little bit like I could I

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Speaker 3: could tell he wasn't listening. And then he said to me, Andrew,

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Speaker 3: what's too aimful to remember? It's simply hard to forget.

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Speaker 3: So what's the laughter? We remember, and I said, did

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Speaker 3: you just quote the fucking way we were to me?

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Speaker 3: And he said, oh god, I'm so sorry. I guess

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Speaker 3: I did. And I said, you quoted the way we

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Speaker 3: were to a gay man.

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Speaker 1: And thought you wouldn't catch it?

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Speaker 2: Was he gay? Because he is now? He's now gay?

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Speaker 3: He was not gay? But I was like, how could

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Speaker 3: that happen?

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Speaker 2: That's so funny and so possibly say that right. I've

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Speaker 2: had moments like that with people when they've said something.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, that's the end. That's the end of our friendship.

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Speaker 2: You just crossed the rubicon.

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Speaker 3: Can I tell you one more therapist please? That I

331
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Speaker 3: wrote in my book, And I'm sure my ex boyfriend

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Speaker 3: would like my ex boyfriend and I His name was Michael.

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Speaker 3: We really tried. We went to a lot of couple's therapy.

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Speaker 3: We really really tried. And we went to the couple's therapist.

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Speaker 3: He was, you know, talking to a therapist, and he said,

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Speaker 3: Andrew sucks the air out of every room we go into.

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Speaker 3: It's like I'm not even there. Every time we walk

338
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Speaker 3: into a room. It's like no one even sees me.

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Speaker 3: He went on and on and on and then and

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Speaker 3: then the therapist said, Andrew, did you hear it? Brian

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Speaker 3: just said and I said, his name is Michael. He

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Speaker 3: went what and I said, his name is Michael.

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Speaker 1: The same thing happened to me. I talked about this

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Speaker 1: on an earlier episode. My therapist was like, oh, your

345
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Speaker 1: boyfriend Greg. I'm like, you mean my husband, Brad.

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Speaker 2: I love it. I love it.

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Speaker 3: Not great, It's not great, Chelsea. Not great.

348
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Speaker 2: I'm going to bring up my favorite story in the book,

349
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Speaker 2: which of course, is you having sex with a married

350
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Speaker 2: man and then having his wife return your panties to you.

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Speaker 2: Oh no, yeah, Oh I actually read it. Oh yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 2: we read it together.

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Speaker 3: Read the book.

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Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah. I'm a reader and Catherine is a

355
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Speaker 2: podcast producer, like you said earlier, So that's our job

356
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Speaker 2: to read your book.

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Speaker 3: I know, but I didn't think most people actually read it. Oh.

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Speaker 1: I forced her Taine to send it to us.

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Speaker 3: Oh god, okay. I did have sex with a very

360
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:30,200
Speaker 3: ultra conservative married man, just like a one night stand,

361
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Speaker 3: and it was a strange situation and I regret doing it.

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Speaker 3: I wonder how he's doing now. It's sort of my

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Speaker 3: because I've not kept in touch well.

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Speaker 2: And then the part about his wife returning your underwear

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Speaker 2: to you?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, what was the hell like when she started getting

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Speaker 1: texts from her being like I want to talk to you.

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Speaker 3: Oh that was a little tricky. So I left. He

369
00:17:55,359 --> 00:18:00,080
Speaker 3: sort of took all of my clothing with him, and

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Speaker 3: we were doing a musical together. And a couple days

371
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Speaker 3: later she showed up in town and she did arrive

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Speaker 3: with my washed and cleaned underwear and like a little baggy.

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Speaker 2: Like a sachet.

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Speaker 3: Well it was like a little FedEx.

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Speaker 2: Bag and was totally fine with the fact that he

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Speaker 2: was gallivancing around with men.

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Speaker 1: Correct.

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Speaker 3: I mean, I don't know if she was fine with it,

379
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Speaker 3: but I think that she had come to terms with it.

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00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,159
Speaker 3: I think she had made up her mind that like,

381
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Speaker 3: we're going to get through this.

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00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,000
Speaker 2: Well, if you think about the dynamic between a gay

383
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,960
Speaker 2: man and a woman, right, like your bestie, whoever your

384
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,360
Speaker 2: best friend is, that's a gay man. Ideally, the best

385
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,240
Speaker 2: chemistry would be for the two of you to be

386
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Speaker 2: married and just like her man on the side, you're

387
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Speaker 2: in a long term relationship. I know you two are

388
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Speaker 2: a very hot couple. You and your boyfriend talks your partner,

389
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:56,080
Speaker 2: I should say, well, because you're more than boyfriend and boyfriend.

390
00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:59,879
Speaker 3: Right, well, yeah, boyfriends partners. Yeah, we're not married. We

391
00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:04,959
Speaker 3: met doing Boys in the Band together twenty eighteen, and

392
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Speaker 3: we've like, you know, it's the laziest story ever that

393
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:13,280
Speaker 3: like two actors met doing like a show together. Couldn't

394
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:13,600
Speaker 3: have been.

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Speaker 1: Lazier, I have to say. I told Chelsea this morning.

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Speaker 1: I was like, when I realized that's who Andrew Reynolds

397
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,040
Speaker 1: was dating, it was like, the two of you together

398
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:26,080
Speaker 1: are so incredibly hot as a couple. I was taken aback.

399
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,520
Speaker 2: You also kind of look alike similar, so I'm sure

400
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:30,600
Speaker 2: you've heard that before.

401
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,640
Speaker 3: We do have a similar vibe.

402
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:36,160
Speaker 2: Yea, yeah, you look like you're both from a different decade,

403
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:37,240
Speaker 2: but a very similar.

404
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:40,560
Speaker 3: Is that narcissistic that I'm sort of dating myself?

405
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,399
Speaker 2: Probably? I mean what else could it be?

406
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:49,679
Speaker 3: I now dumb actor? DOUWMB actor? Yeah no, And people

407
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,960
Speaker 3: have asked me like, well, how did you guys meet?

408
00:19:52,119 --> 00:19:54,840
Speaker 3: I was like, well, we were playing boyfriends in a

409
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:57,479
Speaker 3: movie and that's as simple as it is.

410
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,040
Speaker 2: But aren't you like a stepfather?

411
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:01,280
Speaker 3: Now?

412
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:02,800
Speaker 2: Doesn't he have two children?

413
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:06,320
Speaker 3: He does have two children? Yes, you know, am I

414
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:11,600
Speaker 3: a stepfather? You know? I try my best to sort

415
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:16,440
Speaker 3: of be as present as possible. I'm not there a lot, unfortunately.

416
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:20,560
Speaker 3: I work a lot in New York, and he's in

417
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:23,439
Speaker 3: LA and he's in Los Angeles. Yeah, and I.

418
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,600
Speaker 2: Can just pop over there and look after the kids.

419
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Speaker 2: I love children, So you just tell me when I

420
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:29,920
Speaker 2: know I can take some of the load off.

421
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Speaker 3: I know you dig a kid. I know that from

422
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:36,120
Speaker 3: just being a fan. But you know, it's like it's

423
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:40,240
Speaker 3: tough because I'm gone a lot. I try to be

424
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Speaker 3: as present as possible. I really do.

425
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Speaker 1: I really liked in the book how you talked about

426
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:49,240
Speaker 1: sometimes having a difficult time connecting with them. Chelsea and

427
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Speaker 1: I have talked about this too. It's like, because they're

428
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:53,520
Speaker 1: like preteenish, right, they're like eleven.

429
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Speaker 3: Ish, they're ten, okay.

430
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Speaker 1: But it's like sometimes you're like, what do I talk

431
00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:01,000
Speaker 1: about with a ten year old? It can be difful Yeah,

432
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:01,600
Speaker 1: but you.

433
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Speaker 2: Know, I hate fucking having to make conversation. I fucking

434
00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:07,239
Speaker 2: hate that. So when you're talking to a ten year

435
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:09,959
Speaker 2: old like that isn't related to you, even when they

436
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,439
Speaker 2: are related to you, sometimes it's like it can be

437
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:15,320
Speaker 2: a chore. Like that's why people become parents because they're

438
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,040
Speaker 2: ready to take that responsibility on. And I think what

439
00:21:18,119 --> 00:21:20,320
Speaker 2: I find so annoying is that I'm not supposed to

440
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,040
Speaker 2: take that on. I chose not to do that. So

441
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:25,439
Speaker 2: don't expect me to mingle like with your kids unless

442
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,840
Speaker 2: they're fucking cool. And then I'm into your kids, like

443
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,080
Speaker 2: I'm in really cool kids. My friend Jamie Greenberg has

444
00:21:30,119 --> 00:21:32,359
Speaker 2: a really cool kid, yeah money, and I like her.

445
00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:34,760
Speaker 3: Yeah, but kids are mostly not cool.

446
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:38,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're idiots because they haven't grown up yet.

447
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:41,760
Speaker 3: And and I think being a parent, and I really

448
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:46,639
Speaker 3: appreciate my siblings skill at this, that they really do

449
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:50,240
Speaker 3: engage with their kids in a great way. And I

450
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,879
Speaker 3: found that I maybe don't have that skill, Like I

451
00:21:55,000 --> 00:22:00,800
Speaker 3: don't I don't have that like natural thing where I'm like, oh,

452
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,440
Speaker 3: I know how to talk to a kid. I don't

453
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:07,159
Speaker 3: always know how to. Sometimes I can like sort of

454
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:09,960
Speaker 3: drop in and be and there are moments with TuS

455
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:14,440
Speaker 3: kids where like I do it well, but like, sometimes

456
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:18,000
Speaker 3: I don't do it well, and it's really hard to

457
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:22,760
Speaker 3: It was a really hard lesson to learn, Oh, you're

458
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:26,680
Speaker 3: not naturally good at this, and some people are naturally

459
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:28,760
Speaker 3: good at it. Some people just like know how to

460
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:31,080
Speaker 3: do it and know how to talk and like fuck

461
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,520
Speaker 3: around with kids. But like I don't have that gene,

462
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:39,680
Speaker 3: and it was a really hard lesson to figure out. Oh,

463
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:42,480
Speaker 3: you don't know how to do it, that was tricky.

464
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:45,520
Speaker 3: I'm good with like the fun stuff I'm good at,

465
00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:52,200
Speaker 3: like messing around at a target, right, doing having some fun,

466
00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:57,240
Speaker 3: I'm good at that. Taking them to school not so good.

467
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:02,120
Speaker 3: Not so good at making breakfast now that's so good him.

468
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:05,320
Speaker 2: What do you think that you're really good at, not

469
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:07,960
Speaker 2: with regard to parenting, but in life in general, Like,

470
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,200
Speaker 2: what do you think one of your greatest gifts is?

471
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:14,000
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm a pretty good friend, Like I

472
00:23:14,119 --> 00:23:14,840
Speaker 3: keep in touch.

473
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,200
Speaker 2: Well, okay, I think.

474
00:23:17,119 --> 00:23:19,359
Speaker 3: Now you're going to get some responses from my friends.

475
00:23:19,359 --> 00:23:21,679
Speaker 3: They're going to be like, no, he doesn't, No, he doesn't.

476
00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:24,359
Speaker 2: I don't need a lot of things or people to

477
00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:25,240
Speaker 2: be on top of me.

478
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,439
Speaker 3: Well I don't feel like I do either, And I

479
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:30,399
Speaker 3: feel like sometimes that bites me in the ass a

480
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:33,600
Speaker 3: little bit, that, like, because I don't need a lot,

481
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:38,160
Speaker 3: then sometimes I don't maybe necessarily give.

482
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:43,440
Speaker 2: Ah, yes, sir, I think those two things are yes. Yes.

483
00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:46,359
Speaker 2: I think if you do one, you do the other exactly. Yeah,

484
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:47,760
Speaker 2: I'm guilty of the same thing.

485
00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:51,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't need a ton from you, So then

486
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,920
Speaker 3: maybe if I don't always give it back, then I'm

487
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:58,040
Speaker 3: looked at as sort of being selfish or being I

488
00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,639
Speaker 3: don't know. That's a thing that I just sort of

489
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:02,520
Speaker 3: realized about myself.

490
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:05,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, but selfish is a judgment, so like you shouldn't

491
00:24:05,359 --> 00:24:07,280
Speaker 2: think about it that way. You should think about like

492
00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:10,280
Speaker 2: are you taking good care of yourself or are you

493
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,080
Speaker 2: actually like ignoring the needs of other people that are

494
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,000
Speaker 2: important to you that kind of thing.

495
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:16,880
Speaker 3: Well, that's a nice way to say it.

496
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:18,680
Speaker 1: Well, that's I learned that in therapy.

497
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,320
Speaker 3: I'm going to give you. I'm going to just send

498
00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:23,720
Speaker 3: you like a venmo because I feel like this has

499
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:25,880
Speaker 3: been a real therapy session.

500
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:28,560
Speaker 2: Well that's great, because you're you're about to give therapy

501
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,560
Speaker 2: to our callers that we have people live. I know.

502
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:32,840
Speaker 3: I'm very excited.

503
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, so get ready, Catherine is going to give us

504
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:38,119
Speaker 2: up to get us at speed. Hold on, No, you

505
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,280
Speaker 2: don't get any REPI you don't get.

506
00:24:40,359 --> 00:24:45,640
Speaker 3: Any Is there anything that I should know, like anything

507
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:47,280
Speaker 3: I should be prepared for you?

508
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:49,879
Speaker 1: Well, there's a couple of sex questions but we're going

509
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:51,640
Speaker 1: to take a quick break and we will be back

510
00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:52,439
Speaker 1: with colors and.

511
00:24:52,520 --> 00:25:01,119
Speaker 2: Questions and and we're back.

512
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:05,760
Speaker 1: We are back. Let's start with a breakup question.

513
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:08,600
Speaker 3: Oh boy, are you ready? Andrew?

514
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:09,480
Speaker 2: Are you ready?

515
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:11,520
Speaker 3: My guess?

516
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:14,080
Speaker 1: Yes, this might be This might be a quickie, but

517
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,480
Speaker 1: we'll see what comes out of it. This comes from

518
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:20,200
Speaker 1: Tea in New Zealand. Dear Chelsea, I need to break

519
00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:22,639
Speaker 1: up with my boyfriend. We met last summer when we

520
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:25,920
Speaker 1: started a new job together. Things moved super quickly. We've

521
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,199
Speaker 1: been dating for about seven months now, but it's just

522
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:30,800
Speaker 1: not working out. He's still a great person and I

523
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:33,280
Speaker 1: care about him. I'm a twenty eight year old male

524
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:36,240
Speaker 1: and he is twenty four. Now. My dilemma is this,

525
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,919
Speaker 1: our work schedules are totally opposite. The days I'm not

526
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:42,520
Speaker 1: working are the days he is working. And it's just

527
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:45,679
Speaker 1: how our fixed schedules happen to work out. Not only that,

528
00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:48,359
Speaker 1: but we live eighty five kilometers, which is about fifty

529
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:49,720
Speaker 1: miles apart from each other.

530
00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:51,719
Speaker 2: Thank you for that conversion.

531
00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:52,439
Speaker 1: You're welcome.

532
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:54,840
Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you for doing that. I was trying

533
00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:55,880
Speaker 3: to do the math in my head.

534
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:59,000
Speaker 1: I can't do That's impossible. Even Sirih couldn't do it.

535
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,600
Speaker 1: I had to find again. Okay later. We live fifty

536
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:04,200
Speaker 1: miles apart from each other and work somewhere in the middle.

537
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:06,960
Speaker 1: We don't see each other often, and I've been trying

538
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:10,360
Speaker 1: to schedule a time to hang out, but it's proven unsuccessful.

539
00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:12,760
Speaker 1: He wants to hang out on Wednesday when I'm finished

540
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:15,000
Speaker 1: with work, but I feel bad. He'd drive all that

541
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,200
Speaker 1: way just for me to end things, and then he'd

542
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:20,320
Speaker 1: have to drive back. However, I know ending things over

543
00:26:20,359 --> 00:26:23,560
Speaker 1: the phone is like the cliche movie Scumbag Move. Do

544
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:26,800
Speaker 1: you think it's acceptable in this situation? If you were

545
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,159
Speaker 1: in issues, would you hate the person who broke up

546
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:31,320
Speaker 1: with you over the phone more than the person who

547
00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:34,840
Speaker 1: made you drive one hundred and seventy kilometers? Thank you, tea.

548
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:36,880
Speaker 1: I think that's a phone call.

549
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,879
Speaker 2: Then if he's gonna be driving, yeah, that's just the

550
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:40,560
Speaker 2: right thing to do.

551
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:41,160
Speaker 1: Like I can't.

552
00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:43,720
Speaker 2: You can't make somebody drive to you to get broken

553
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:44,720
Speaker 2: up with, right.

554
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:49,160
Speaker 3: That's so fucking stupid that, first of all, that entire

555
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:55,640
Speaker 3: conversation is stupid. They're in their twenties, they're not really dating.

556
00:26:55,840 --> 00:27:01,320
Speaker 3: They'd live in the same city, fuck up in a relationship,

557
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:04,119
Speaker 3: you don't live in the same city. You're in your

558
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,040
Speaker 3: early twenties, You're not.

559
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:07,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not a big deal.

560
00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:08,160
Speaker 3: Beating each other.

561
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,520
Speaker 2: It's not a big deal. I'll just go out side

562
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:12,639
Speaker 2: over the phone. Do not drag that out. That is

563
00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:13,480
Speaker 2: so obnoxious.

564
00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:15,360
Speaker 1: I agreed, no text but phone call.

565
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:18,200
Speaker 3: Yes, I know. I'm sure they have really cute accents.

566
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:22,080
Speaker 3: But like done, I'm done. Yeah, I'm done with that one.

567
00:27:22,119 --> 00:27:23,200
Speaker 1: Got a nip it in the bud.

568
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:26,400
Speaker 2: Next collar, well, our next.

569
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:32,720
Speaker 1: Collar is Devin. Devin says Dear Chelsea. I'm a twenty

570
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:35,439
Speaker 1: nine year old gay man living in Portland, Oregon, and

571
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:38,480
Speaker 1: on Halloween of twenty twenty one, my ex boyfriend of

572
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:40,800
Speaker 1: two and a half years broke up with me. We

573
00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:43,280
Speaker 1: had a good relationship, but he often felt bound by

574
00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:45,800
Speaker 1: the constraints of our relationship. When we broke up, I

575
00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:49,000
Speaker 1: was utterly devastated. I've come a long way since our

576
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:51,840
Speaker 1: breakup and have embraced my slutty phase by sleeping with

577
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:55,480
Speaker 1: dozens and dozens of men and exploring other kinks that

578
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,800
Speaker 1: I didn't have a chance to explore before. My problem

579
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:01,280
Speaker 1: is this, even after a year and a half of

580
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:04,560
Speaker 1: being separated. I still feel insecure about seeing my ex

581
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:08,000
Speaker 1: in public or running into him at a party. Portland

582
00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:10,320
Speaker 1: is a small gay community, and I often see him

583
00:28:10,359 --> 00:28:12,480
Speaker 1: at our local gym. I can't help myself but think

584
00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:14,280
Speaker 1: about the guys he's sleeping with or the men he

585
00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:17,840
Speaker 1: might casually be dating. To add insult to injury, I

586
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:20,399
Speaker 1: was primarily the bottom in our relationship and he rarely

587
00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:23,560
Speaker 1: let me top. I told him time and time again

588
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:26,360
Speaker 1: that I wanted to top, but somehow we always found

589
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:29,720
Speaker 1: ourselves in the same positions. After our breakup, I was

590
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:32,280
Speaker 1: still logged into his Amazon account when I found a

591
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:35,280
Speaker 1: douche used to clean your butthole before sex, and I

592
00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,880
Speaker 1: really got in my hat about him bottoming for other

593
00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:40,880
Speaker 1: guys when he wouldn't do that. In our relationship, we

594
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:44,080
Speaker 1: struggled a lot with insecurities on both sides, and both

595
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,880
Speaker 1: suspected the other wanted to sleep with guys with bigger dicks.

596
00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:50,000
Speaker 1: Did these feelings come up in heterosexual relationships as well?

597
00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:53,360
Speaker 1: I've tried to refocus and channel my thoughts other places

598
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:55,720
Speaker 1: when these things come up, but sometimes I can't help

599
00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:58,239
Speaker 1: but fixate on them. Any advice you have is much

600
00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:01,920
Speaker 1: appreciated much love, Debth and Devin is here with us

601
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:02,920
Speaker 1: on the phone.

602
00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:05,760
Speaker 2: Devon's here. You can counsel him directly, Andrew. I can't

603
00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:06,200
Speaker 2: wait for.

604
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:10,640
Speaker 3: This, Devin. I the bottoming conversation. It really took a turn.

605
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:13,080
Speaker 2: Den, I did not. I was not following hold on

606
00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:18,600
Speaker 2: Devon's muted first. Welcome your role, Andrew, your role? Okay, Devin,

607
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:21,160
Speaker 2: do you see Andrew? Here's our special guest. How lucky

608
00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:21,520
Speaker 2: are you?

609
00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:27,640
Speaker 3: Hi? Hello, Devin? Have you since found a top that

610
00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:29,280
Speaker 3: satisfies your needs?

611
00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:32,240
Speaker 4: I'm still dating. I actually had a date last night,

612
00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:35,240
Speaker 4: just sort of like casually dating and kind of checking

613
00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:37,840
Speaker 4: things out, all right, So the answer, the short answer

614
00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:40,160
Speaker 4: is no, I just am kind of like still doing

615
00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:42,520
Speaker 4: my thing, sleeping around, doing what I can.

616
00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:47,120
Speaker 3: And what's the Portland scene. Light, it's a big gay scene.

617
00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:49,840
Speaker 4: It's relatively big, I would say, but it's a lot

618
00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:53,120
Speaker 4: of the same people. The pool is still kind of limited,

619
00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:55,280
Speaker 4: it seems like. And a lot of what I've encountered

620
00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,040
Speaker 4: is a lot of people are in open relationships.

621
00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:02,280
Speaker 3: Also. I now that's such a weird headache, right, people

622
00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:05,480
Speaker 3: who are like an open relationships and you're like, yeah,

623
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:07,479
Speaker 3: do it or don't come on now.

624
00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:09,680
Speaker 2: How long have you guys been broken up? You and

625
00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:10,720
Speaker 2: your ex boyfriend.

626
00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:13,840
Speaker 4: About a year and a half, so Halloween of twenty one,

627
00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:15,240
Speaker 4: so quite a while.

628
00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,040
Speaker 3: What did you dress up as on Halloween?

629
00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:19,600
Speaker 2: Is that really necessary?

630
00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:24,280
Speaker 3: Chelsea? I think it's impertinent question in this conversation. It's important.

631
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:26,400
Speaker 4: The last few years I've dressed up is Trixie Mattel.

632
00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:30,600
Speaker 3: Okay, So that, Chelsea, I feel like that's very informative. Okay,

633
00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:32,000
Speaker 3: I feel like we needed to hear that.

634
00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:35,080
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, and then how does that change and pivot

635
00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:35,640
Speaker 2: your thinking?

636
00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:39,400
Speaker 3: Andrew, Well, I feel like you're a power bottom.

637
00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:43,440
Speaker 2: Uh huh Okay, so you're definitely a power bottom. I

638
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:45,560
Speaker 2: think that it's a long time for you to be

639
00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:49,960
Speaker 2: still obsessing about your ex. So have you been to therapy?

640
00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:53,560
Speaker 4: I have, yes, but it's been quite a while, just

641
00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:56,640
Speaker 4: because I was seeing a woman therapist and her and

642
00:30:56,680 --> 00:30:59,520
Speaker 4: I really hit it off. But then she recommended I

643
00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:02,239
Speaker 4: start singing a gay therapist because I was teaching her

644
00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:04,880
Speaker 4: more than I was I guess getting back. So she

645
00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:06,840
Speaker 4: recommended I see a gay therapist.

646
00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:07,800
Speaker 2: And she sounds like a bottom.

647
00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:11,680
Speaker 4: Yeah, and the two guys that I saw I didn't

648
00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:13,880
Speaker 4: connect with them enough. I felt like I was venting

649
00:31:13,920 --> 00:31:15,480
Speaker 4: more than I was receiving.

650
00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:18,239
Speaker 3: I guess, how are you meeting people in Portland? Are

651
00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:20,280
Speaker 3: you like on apps or is it just sort of

652
00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:23,000
Speaker 3: more of a general you're just hanging out in bars

653
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:23,800
Speaker 3: and things or.

654
00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:27,080
Speaker 4: A little bit of both, like the Grinder, But it's

655
00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:29,280
Speaker 4: that's a lot of just like hookup culture, you know

656
00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:31,840
Speaker 4: what I mean. Yeah, Whereas like, so I went on

657
00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:34,400
Speaker 4: a date last night in fact, and I saw him

658
00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:36,760
Speaker 4: on Instagram, and that's kind of in a way, and

659
00:31:36,800 --> 00:31:38,080
Speaker 4: I kind of reached out and just kind of went

660
00:31:38,120 --> 00:31:40,720
Speaker 4: out on a limb, like, hey, I think you're really handsome,

661
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:43,000
Speaker 4: kind of put myself out there. I said, I know

662
00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:44,640
Speaker 4: this is a little forward, but like, I think you're

663
00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:46,920
Speaker 4: really handsome. You seem like a cool guy. Can I

664
00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:48,960
Speaker 4: take you out? So we went out for a drink.

665
00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:50,280
Speaker 3: So how'd that go?

666
00:31:51,120 --> 00:31:53,920
Speaker 4: It was really positive? Yeah, it was really yeah good,

667
00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:54,880
Speaker 4: it was a good experience.

668
00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:56,040
Speaker 3: Yeah, well that's good.

669
00:31:56,240 --> 00:31:56,520
Speaker 1: Yeah.

670
00:31:56,600 --> 00:31:58,200
Speaker 2: I think you have like a lot going on. I

671
00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:00,640
Speaker 2: think you're like allowing yourself to fix, which is just

672
00:32:00,720 --> 00:32:03,000
Speaker 2: kind of like a mental game that you're playing with yourself.

673
00:32:03,360 --> 00:32:05,760
Speaker 2: And I think, you know, talk therapy is a good

674
00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:08,400
Speaker 2: way to like deal with that, because you shouldn't have

675
00:32:08,440 --> 00:32:10,280
Speaker 2: to be obsessing about, like it's none of your business

676
00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:12,680
Speaker 2: what he's doing with other people. He's not your boyfriend anyway,

677
00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:15,800
Speaker 2: it really doesn't matter. You're gonna have like a succession

678
00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:18,760
Speaker 2: of men in your life moving forward, and regardless of

679
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:21,720
Speaker 2: Portland being a small town, so what, so like, the

680
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:23,760
Speaker 2: sooner you warm up to the idea of bumping into

681
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:26,320
Speaker 2: him and not being so injured by it, I think,

682
00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:29,200
Speaker 2: the sooner that it will become normalized, and the sooner

683
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:31,200
Speaker 2: you can move on from this kind of tethering you

684
00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:31,920
Speaker 2: have to him.

685
00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:34,360
Speaker 3: That's a very good way to say that, Chelsea is like,

686
00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:37,720
Speaker 3: he's not your ex boyfriend, He's just a man, just

687
00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:38,560
Speaker 3: another person.

688
00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:41,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you should, like you should actually try to

689
00:32:41,240 --> 00:32:44,000
Speaker 2: bump into him so that the quicker that that happens,

690
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:46,440
Speaker 2: and the sooner you get the ball rolling of normalizing it,

691
00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:48,360
Speaker 2: even though if it might feel gross right now or

692
00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:50,560
Speaker 2: like you're not ready, I think you should kind of

693
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:53,160
Speaker 2: just force yourself it's been enough time, and just force

694
00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:56,000
Speaker 2: yourself to be around him when you know you see him,

695
00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:59,080
Speaker 2: be cool. Hey, it's nice to see you don't bring

696
00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:02,440
Speaker 2: anything else other then just complete, like just be cool,

697
00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:05,200
Speaker 2: so that way you can leave that situation, he knows,

698
00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:07,640
Speaker 2: and then you kind of diminish the tension between you two.

699
00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:09,640
Speaker 3: Mm hmm. Yeah.

700
00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:12,840
Speaker 4: And I think I run into him primarily at the gym,

701
00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:15,800
Speaker 4: and like you'll ask me to walk the dog or

702
00:33:15,800 --> 00:33:16,960
Speaker 4: watch her if he's out of town.

703
00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:19,800
Speaker 3: And there's part of it like that I don't.

704
00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:21,400
Speaker 4: Love it either, because I don't like to be in

705
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:23,440
Speaker 4: his space, Like I don't like going into his apartment.

706
00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:25,680
Speaker 4: I don't mind running into him at the gym, sure,

707
00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:27,720
Speaker 4: but yeah, it's like I don't really want to be

708
00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:29,320
Speaker 4: in a space I don't want to And I think

709
00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:31,440
Speaker 4: part of it's like I identify that I'm still a

710
00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:34,320
Speaker 4: little injured by some of these things, and like it's

711
00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:37,040
Speaker 4: all feels very surface level what we end up talking about.

712
00:33:37,080 --> 00:33:40,480
Speaker 4: It's all like bs, hey, how's it going, Just stupid stuff.

713
00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:42,320
Speaker 4: I feel like there's part of me that I still

714
00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:44,440
Speaker 4: want to talk about some things that I'm injured by

715
00:33:44,520 --> 00:33:46,600
Speaker 4: and some unresolved feelings. I guess, but I don't know

716
00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:48,720
Speaker 4: if I just need to like let that go and

717
00:33:48,720 --> 00:33:51,680
Speaker 4: move on and yeah, yeahybe, you just let that go.

718
00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:54,000
Speaker 2: I think it's a practice of letting things go. It's

719
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:56,000
Speaker 2: doesn't It's not the easiest thing because you can hold

720
00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:58,800
Speaker 2: grudges against people and lay blame because as long as

721
00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:01,480
Speaker 2: you're doing that, you're kind of the victim. And I

722
00:34:01,480 --> 00:34:04,120
Speaker 2: think there's a little bit of victim victimanus in there,

723
00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:06,440
Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying. I think you should really

724
00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:08,960
Speaker 2: really try to practice letting go of any anger you

725
00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:11,600
Speaker 2: have towards him. Relationships don't work out all the time.

726
00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:13,600
Speaker 2: It's really nobody's fault, you know what I mean, It's

727
00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:16,959
Speaker 2: just a matter of chemistry and longevity. So like, don't

728
00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:18,759
Speaker 2: hold I mean, I know you do, and I know

729
00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:20,520
Speaker 2: we all do. But it's something that you want to

730
00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:23,279
Speaker 2: start thinking about and actually start practicing, Like whether it's

731
00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:26,320
Speaker 2: a mantra, whether it's a meditation, whether it's you reminding

732
00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:28,200
Speaker 2: yourself every morning, like you want to give out love

733
00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:30,600
Speaker 2: not resentment. You know, as long as you're holding on

734
00:34:30,680 --> 00:34:32,840
Speaker 2: to that, it'll kind of have a negative effect on you.

735
00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:36,560
Speaker 3: Sure, Okay, I mean that's something that I could use

736
00:34:36,600 --> 00:34:37,000
Speaker 3: as well.

737
00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:42,200
Speaker 2: So thank you, he's getting double dose. We're giving to you,

738
00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:44,160
Speaker 2: and we're giving advice to you and to Andrew.

739
00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:50,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, thank you, You've also given it to me, Devin. So, like, now,

740
00:34:50,120 --> 00:34:52,680
Speaker 3: when you're like looking to date people, are you looking

741
00:34:52,719 --> 00:34:56,280
Speaker 3: for the opposite sort of person or are you looking

742
00:34:56,320 --> 00:34:59,279
Speaker 3: for someone who's sort of similar? Like I've not been

743
00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:02,319
Speaker 3: on the dating, but when you're scrolling through, are you

744
00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:05,560
Speaker 3: looking through sort of a similar situation or do you

745
00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:06,160
Speaker 3: feel like you.

746
00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:09,720
Speaker 2: Are you hitting on him right now? Are you, Andrew?

747
00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:13,200
Speaker 3: Are you hitting on the Oh?

748
00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:15,360
Speaker 2: Oh, I'm sorry, Devin?

749
00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:18,480
Speaker 1: Are you looking for someone that's based in New York.

750
00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:27,880
Speaker 2: And sing whoopsy doodle? Anyway, Devin, are you good with

751
00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:29,800
Speaker 2: that advice? Can you start doing that? Can you do

752
00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:32,160
Speaker 2: you understand what I'm saying when I say start practicing it?

753
00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:34,799
Speaker 4: Like does that just sort of like let go kind

754
00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:36,440
Speaker 4: of forget about it, move on, just kind of like

755
00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:39,080
Speaker 4: let the like kind of like give up the resentment.

756
00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:42,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, look at him with love. Like whenever I don't

757
00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:44,399
Speaker 2: like someone, I'm always have to say, I'm like love

758
00:35:44,680 --> 00:35:46,960
Speaker 2: just love people who cares. You don't have to hang

759
00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:49,719
Speaker 2: out with that person, but just show them kindness and love.

760
00:35:49,760 --> 00:35:51,960
Speaker 2: It's just good vibes to be given out anyway, you

761
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:52,480
Speaker 2: know what I mean?

762
00:35:52,840 --> 00:35:55,239
Speaker 4: Sure? And I think kind of what right now, what's

763
00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:58,040
Speaker 4: kind of happening is begin these little fights or spats

764
00:35:58,080 --> 00:36:01,360
Speaker 4: and so then I like leave kind of like resentful,

765
00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:02,600
Speaker 4: and I'm like upset, and then I.

766
00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:04,480
Speaker 2: Just like, where do you get in fights and spats?

767
00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:06,160
Speaker 3: Well, he's watching his dog.

768
00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:09,400
Speaker 2: Yeah no no, no, no no no no, no, no more

769
00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:11,719
Speaker 2: watching the dog. That's no, that's a wrap on that.

770
00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:13,239
Speaker 2: Like Andrews said, he doesn't like that.

771
00:36:13,320 --> 00:36:15,920
Speaker 1: I don't like that either. Yeah, And you don't need

772
00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:17,880
Speaker 1: to be like his friend. You don't don't need to

773
00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:19,120
Speaker 1: be there to support him.

774
00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:21,480
Speaker 2: Especially, you shouldn't be arguing with your ex boyfriend. There's

775
00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:22,960
Speaker 2: nothing to argue about. You're not together.

776
00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:25,160
Speaker 1: But that makes sense why you're still hung up a

777
00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:26,920
Speaker 1: year and a half later, since there's been this sort

778
00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:27,400
Speaker 1: of punting.

779
00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:30,719
Speaker 2: You are postponing this situation for yourself. So you have

780
00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:33,120
Speaker 2: to stop going over there and taking care of his dog,

781
00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:36,239
Speaker 2: and you certainly have to stop arguing with him. There's

782
00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:40,920
Speaker 2: no more arguing. You just won't participate in it. Okay, yeah, yeah, okay,

783
00:36:40,960 --> 00:36:41,520
Speaker 2: you can do this.

784
00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:42,480
Speaker 4: I can do it.

785
00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:46,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, go get them tiger. Okay, thanks for.

786
00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:48,360
Speaker 4: Calling, all right, Yeah, thank you guys.

787
00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:51,440
Speaker 2: Thanks seven some people need a very firm hand.

788
00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:54,239
Speaker 3: Was a real sweetheart, he was, and.

789
00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:56,880
Speaker 2: He needed a swift kick in the ass because he's.

790
00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:59,279
Speaker 3: Like he did, he cannot watch that man's.

791
00:36:58,960 --> 00:37:01,279
Speaker 2: Dog going over watch oh and then fighting with that

792
00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:04,759
Speaker 2: fuck Oh. I'm like a fucking babysitting your dog. I

793
00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:08,360
Speaker 2: would never babysit anyone's dog. I once babysat this couple's

794
00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:10,560
Speaker 2: I worked with this girl at this restaurant once, and

795
00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:12,920
Speaker 2: she asked me to babysit her dogs and stay at

796
00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:15,040
Speaker 2: her house, which she thought was like fun for me.

797
00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:15,799
Speaker 1: It wasn't.

798
00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:18,480
Speaker 2: And so I decided after two nights, I'm like, I

799
00:37:18,520 --> 00:37:20,279
Speaker 2: can't stay here anymore. So I just wanted to stay

800
00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:22,520
Speaker 2: at my own place or I had a boyfriend or something.

801
00:37:22,800 --> 00:37:24,680
Speaker 2: And so then I would just leave the dogs there

802
00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:26,560
Speaker 2: and go and feed them in the daytime and take

803
00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:29,919
Speaker 2: them for like maybe a walk. Yeah, and I did

804
00:37:29,920 --> 00:37:32,080
Speaker 2: that the whole week. I was like the worst dog

805
00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:33,040
Speaker 2: sitter in the world.

806
00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:35,080
Speaker 3: But they were fine, right.

807
00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:37,239
Speaker 2: Yeah they were. But I wasn't dog sitting them. I

808
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:38,000
Speaker 2: was feeding them.

809
00:37:38,239 --> 00:37:40,800
Speaker 3: Well, that's one can argue. That's more important.

810
00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:42,960
Speaker 2: Should we have to our next caller, Yes, let's go.

811
00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:46,719
Speaker 3: To our another one. Yeah, I'm very excited.

812
00:37:46,920 --> 00:37:48,320
Speaker 1: Okay, well this look alive.

813
00:37:50,200 --> 00:37:51,400
Speaker 3: What have we got? What have we got?

814
00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:58,640
Speaker 1: Ramone? Ramone? Right, hey, Chelsea, I'm having a serious problem.

815
00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:02,279
Speaker 1: My last three long term relationships have begun well, or

816
00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:06,440
Speaker 1: so I thought, they turned into toxic relationships that involved addiction,

817
00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:10,920
Speaker 1: me being subjected to emotional abuse, manipulation, and sometimes violence.

818
00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:13,719
Speaker 1: I ignored quite a few red flags at the beginning of

819
00:38:13,719 --> 00:38:16,080
Speaker 1: these relationships because I was raised to give people the

820
00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:18,640
Speaker 1: benefit of the doubt. I would also try to ignore

821
00:38:18,719 --> 00:38:21,240
Speaker 1: the bad and focus on the good, hoping they would change,

822
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:23,840
Speaker 1: and they never did. My question is, how do I

823
00:38:23,880 --> 00:38:26,680
Speaker 1: avoid ending up in yet another relationship with a toxic

824
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:30,680
Speaker 1: or narcissistic manipulator without sacrificing my belief that people can

825
00:38:30,760 --> 00:38:34,440
Speaker 1: change and deserve second chances. I'm taking some steps already,

826
00:38:34,480 --> 00:38:37,680
Speaker 1: like listening to my intuition, being careful with ignoring red

827
00:38:37,719 --> 00:38:40,440
Speaker 1: flags as they appear, and just generally trying to protect

828
00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:43,280
Speaker 1: my energy and not give it so freely. I appreciate

829
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:46,880
Speaker 1: any help and insights. Ramone, Hi, Ramone.

830
00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:52,200
Speaker 3: Hi, Ramone, that was a very thorough description of your relationships.

831
00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:53,600
Speaker 3: Thank you for sharing that.

832
00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:56,400
Speaker 5: Well, thank you. Yeah, it's been three in a row

833
00:38:56,800 --> 00:39:01,160
Speaker 5: of verbal and physical abuse, addiction, and then realizing my

834
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,680
Speaker 5: most recent relationship was a narcissist on top of all

835
00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:04,160
Speaker 5: that as well.

836
00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:07,480
Speaker 3: Oh boy, how long did the relationships last?

837
00:39:07,880 --> 00:39:10,920
Speaker 5: So my first with my ex husband was ten years?

838
00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:11,680
Speaker 3: Oh wow?

839
00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:14,080
Speaker 5: Yeah, and then the third one was about five and

840
00:39:14,120 --> 00:39:16,880
Speaker 5: this most recent was three, So it's almost spent twenty years.

841
00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:20,879
Speaker 3: That's a long time. Yeah, Chelsea, what do you I mean?

842
00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:23,960
Speaker 2: I'm sure that you had a lot of childhood trauma,

843
00:39:24,440 --> 00:39:24,759
Speaker 2: have you.

844
00:39:25,320 --> 00:39:27,480
Speaker 5: Yeah, So I was kind of raised to give people

845
00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:29,600
Speaker 5: second chances, and that's part of why I wrote in

846
00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:31,239
Speaker 5: was I don't want to give that up, and I

847
00:39:31,239 --> 00:39:32,799
Speaker 5: want to see people for who they are. But you

848
00:39:32,840 --> 00:39:35,120
Speaker 5: know I did. My dad used to beat my mom,

849
00:39:35,280 --> 00:39:37,200
Speaker 5: and you know, I grew up as an only child.

850
00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:39,560
Speaker 5: So I guess there's a lot of I can relate

851
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:41,680
Speaker 5: to people and maybe in these situations and I kind

852
00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:42,239
Speaker 5: of bring them in.

853
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:45,920
Speaker 2: Yeah. Okay, Well I can tell by everything you're saying

854
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:48,960
Speaker 2: that this is like textbook trauma. You believe that this

855
00:39:49,040 --> 00:39:51,360
Speaker 2: is you deserve this and that you can fix people.

856
00:39:51,400 --> 00:39:53,080
Speaker 2: Then that this is good enough for you, and that's

857
00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:55,680
Speaker 2: not good enough for you, and what you're in charge

858
00:39:55,719 --> 00:39:58,399
Speaker 2: of is changing the narrative of your own story. You're

859
00:39:58,440 --> 00:40:00,480
Speaker 2: the only person in the world that can and say

860
00:40:01,080 --> 00:40:03,560
Speaker 2: this is beneath me. I am no longer settling for this,

861
00:40:03,800 --> 00:40:05,560
Speaker 2: like no one else can do that for you. So

862
00:40:05,680 --> 00:40:08,960
Speaker 2: until you're ready to make that decision and that declaration

863
00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:12,719
Speaker 2: to yourself and to the entire world, then you're going

864
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:15,680
Speaker 2: to keep bringing these people into your life. You have

865
00:40:15,760 --> 00:40:19,040
Speaker 2: the ability to stop this. It does not have power

866
00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:20,160
Speaker 2: over you. It does not.

867
00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:24,040
Speaker 5: Yeah, with the most recent relationship, I did end it.

868
00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:26,520
Speaker 5: He's still, you know, harassing me here there. But for

869
00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:29,640
Speaker 5: the most part I'm away from it, and I'm being

870
00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:31,520
Speaker 5: more protective of my energy who I give it to,

871
00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:35,040
Speaker 5: who's around me, and just trying to be observant that

872
00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:38,719
Speaker 5: I don't again court that same energy to me. And

873
00:40:38,880 --> 00:40:41,279
Speaker 5: listening to podcasts like this and some other resources I've

874
00:40:41,280 --> 00:40:43,960
Speaker 5: been using is kind of getting me to that headspace

875
00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:47,240
Speaker 5: where I can maybe be a little more defensive without

876
00:40:47,239 --> 00:40:49,520
Speaker 5: giving up my belief that you know, we should bet.

877
00:40:49,719 --> 00:40:51,400
Speaker 2: You don't have to think of it as a negative.

878
00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:54,120
Speaker 2: Those two things aren't mutually exclusive, is what I'm trying

879
00:40:54,120 --> 00:40:56,600
Speaker 2: to say. You can hold all of that in a

880
00:40:56,719 --> 00:40:59,480
Speaker 2: very positive light. It's not like you're rejecting people. You're

881
00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:02,480
Speaker 2: a protect yourself. You don't have to think of it

882
00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:05,440
Speaker 2: as a rejection or as a defense mechanism. It's a

883
00:41:05,600 --> 00:41:08,839
Speaker 2: self preservation as self protection, something that you haven't been

884
00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:11,879
Speaker 2: practicing your entire life because of something that you had

885
00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:13,920
Speaker 2: no control over that happened to you as a child.

886
00:41:14,239 --> 00:41:16,719
Speaker 2: But the difference here is you're an adult now, you

887
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:19,719
Speaker 2: have all the control, and you're choosing to still set

888
00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:23,399
Speaker 2: up situations that are emblematic of your childhood. So it's

889
00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:25,440
Speaker 2: so much simpler than you even think it is, and

890
00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:27,880
Speaker 2: it's so much easier for somebody like an outsider to

891
00:41:28,239 --> 00:41:31,080
Speaker 2: point it out to you. Right, So I just want

892
00:41:31,120 --> 00:41:33,839
Speaker 2: you to have clarity about how easy this can be

893
00:41:33,920 --> 00:41:36,760
Speaker 2: once you, like really make the decision that you're done.

894
00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:38,279
Speaker 2: And it sounds like you already have.

895
00:41:39,280 --> 00:41:41,880
Speaker 5: Yeah, you know, like I said, that relationship's over, I

896
00:41:41,920 --> 00:41:43,879
Speaker 5: still feel for these people, you know, and I wish

897
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:45,560
Speaker 5: them ill. I want them to meet the most successful

898
00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:47,680
Speaker 5: people on the planet just over there, you know, away

899
00:41:47,719 --> 00:41:50,120
Speaker 5: from me. And you know, when I left this person,

900
00:41:50,120 --> 00:41:51,480
Speaker 5: I said, look, I got to look out for me.

901
00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:53,560
Speaker 5: I got to protect myself because I was getting to

902
00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:56,680
Speaker 5: a really kind of dangerous space, Like it was just

903
00:41:56,880 --> 00:41:59,200
Speaker 5: very stressful. I was constantly like fight or flight. I

904
00:41:59,200 --> 00:42:00,799
Speaker 5: couldn't sleep because I'm like, is it going to come

905
00:42:00,840 --> 00:42:04,280
Speaker 5: into the bedroom and cause a scene or do something drastic.

906
00:42:04,320 --> 00:42:06,840
Speaker 5: So but now I'm in my own place, my own space,

907
00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:10,719
Speaker 5: and just trying to focus. As you said, I'm protecting myself.

908
00:42:11,040 --> 00:42:12,480
Speaker 5: But just you know, I don't want to lose that

909
00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:13,480
Speaker 5: empathy for the people.

910
00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:16,200
Speaker 2: You're not going to lose that. You don't lose that stuff.

911
00:42:16,239 --> 00:42:18,279
Speaker 2: That stuff is ingrained in you. You know, you either

912
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:21,160
Speaker 2: have empathy and you don't. I mean, you can gain

913
00:42:21,200 --> 00:42:23,200
Speaker 2: empathy if you don't have it, you can practice it.

914
00:42:23,239 --> 00:42:25,520
Speaker 2: I've done that, But you don't lose what you have,

915
00:42:25,719 --> 00:42:29,240
Speaker 2: Like that's a natural gift. Most people have it, some don't.

916
00:42:29,400 --> 00:42:33,560
Speaker 2: But you know, that's a separate conversation. But I believe

917
00:42:33,600 --> 00:42:36,280
Speaker 2: in you. I believe that you can totally make these changes.

918
00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:39,200
Speaker 2: I know you can because you're thinking about it and

919
00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:42,480
Speaker 2: you don't have to be worried about you know, these

920
00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:44,960
Speaker 2: kinds of people coming into your life. You know how

921
00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:47,840
Speaker 2: to recognize it right away. Like you have a huge

922
00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:52,200
Speaker 2: advantage and it's not a rejection. It's a protection. Just

923
00:42:52,239 --> 00:42:54,959
Speaker 2: put a positive word to every negative word you're thinking,

924
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:57,640
Speaker 2: because there always is one and it's usually the opposite.

925
00:42:58,239 --> 00:43:00,279
Speaker 1: Yeah, And you don't have to think of empathy as

926
00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:03,239
Speaker 1: like this thing you're going to lose. The truth is

927
00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:05,600
Speaker 1: like there are red flags, there are orange flags, there

928
00:43:05,600 --> 00:43:08,839
Speaker 1: are yellow flags. So as you move forward.

929
00:43:08,520 --> 00:43:11,680
Speaker 2: Trying to a purple, I'm blue and green. Yeah.

930
00:43:11,880 --> 00:43:14,480
Speaker 1: But just because you have empathy for someone doesn't mean

931
00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:17,880
Speaker 1: you need to let them into your innermost being or

932
00:43:17,920 --> 00:43:21,240
Speaker 1: you're checking account or or your life or your life

933
00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:24,400
Speaker 1: or any of those other things. Like Chelsea said, protecting

934
00:43:24,400 --> 00:43:27,799
Speaker 1: your energy and recognizing like, oh this person is showing

935
00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:30,480
Speaker 1: me red flags that means they're not a good partner

936
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:32,440
Speaker 1: for me, but like I can still be friends with

937
00:43:32,480 --> 00:43:35,440
Speaker 1: them whatever. But seeing like some yellow flags like that

938
00:43:35,520 --> 00:43:38,440
Speaker 1: might be okay. It just depends on what that is

939
00:43:38,480 --> 00:43:41,320
Speaker 1: for you. But also knowing like you have a history

940
00:43:41,360 --> 00:43:44,040
Speaker 1: of being okay with those red flags coming into your space.

941
00:43:44,320 --> 00:43:46,200
Speaker 5: That's part of that acceptance. You know, I accept the

942
00:43:46,239 --> 00:43:48,879
Speaker 5: people as they are, And I'm good at compartmentalizing things

943
00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:50,120
Speaker 5: because I think I did that as a kid. It

944
00:43:50,120 --> 00:43:52,160
Speaker 5: compartmentalized on my dad beat my mom, but he also

945
00:43:52,239 --> 00:43:54,920
Speaker 5: loves me, So how do I resolve that? So when

946
00:43:54,960 --> 00:43:56,879
Speaker 5: a person's terrible to me, I'm like, well, but they're

947
00:43:56,880 --> 00:43:58,880
Speaker 5: really sweet here, so I'll just put this away and

948
00:43:58,920 --> 00:44:02,359
Speaker 5: I'll fix it later or we'll work on that. But yeah, now,

949
00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:04,719
Speaker 5: I mean, after you know, eighteen years of this, I

950
00:44:04,760 --> 00:44:09,880
Speaker 5: think I'm done hopefully, But yeah, I think that the

951
00:44:09,960 --> 00:44:11,759
Speaker 5: key is I just didn't want to just be so

952
00:44:11,840 --> 00:44:14,279
Speaker 5: cold and just like shut it all off, but kind

953
00:44:14,280 --> 00:44:17,279
Speaker 5: of bouncing it better, not giving it away and you know,

954
00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:18,160
Speaker 5: losing that part of me.

955
00:44:18,239 --> 00:44:20,560
Speaker 2: But also like you're the conductor. It's not up to

956
00:44:20,600 --> 00:44:22,759
Speaker 2: other people, It's up to you. So it's easy when

957
00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:26,120
Speaker 2: you're in charge to you know that, like, Okay, I'm

958
00:44:26,160 --> 00:44:29,520
Speaker 2: the one who who's making these decisions ultimately to allow

959
00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:32,160
Speaker 2: these people into your lives. So it's not like, you know,

960
00:44:32,200 --> 00:44:34,080
Speaker 2: you have to defer to somebody else or you have

961
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:37,040
Speaker 2: a partner that you're who's doing this. It's you, so

962
00:44:37,200 --> 00:44:38,400
Speaker 2: even and easier to fix.

963
00:44:38,719 --> 00:44:41,960
Speaker 1: I wonder if there is an opportunity here because you

964
00:44:42,040 --> 00:44:43,920
Speaker 1: are continually attracted to these people who are.

965
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:46,080
Speaker 2: Horrible, You're gone to read that book attached also that

966
00:44:46,200 --> 00:44:48,560
Speaker 2: talks all about these kinds of unhealthy attachments. Have you

967
00:44:48,600 --> 00:44:48,880
Speaker 2: read that?

968
00:44:49,320 --> 00:44:51,280
Speaker 5: I got it on my audio read.

969
00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:52,399
Speaker 2: It started today.

970
00:44:52,480 --> 00:44:55,120
Speaker 1: Please there might be a way to bring in some reinforcements,

971
00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:57,399
Speaker 1: whether that's the friend who's been telling you for years

972
00:44:57,440 --> 00:44:59,600
Speaker 1: that this guy's bad for you, he's awful for you,

973
00:45:00,120 --> 00:45:02,960
Speaker 1: way bringing in a friend, bringing in a therapist to

974
00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:05,839
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, here's what I'm experiencing in this new relationship.

975
00:45:05,960 --> 00:45:08,120
Speaker 1: Is this actually healthy? Is this something I should move

976
00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:10,560
Speaker 1: toward or cut off right now or move into the

977
00:45:10,560 --> 00:45:11,480
Speaker 1: friend zone right now?

978
00:45:12,320 --> 00:45:15,239
Speaker 5: Yeah, my company has some resources for therapy that I'm

979
00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:17,600
Speaker 5: going to, you know, look into, because it's just unaccepted.

980
00:45:17,640 --> 00:45:19,840
Speaker 5: I can't do it anymore. Like, I mean, it's just

981
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:21,680
Speaker 5: been too long, you know, at my age, I don't

982
00:45:21,680 --> 00:45:23,960
Speaker 5: want to have another one of these pop ups. So yeah,

983
00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:27,600
Speaker 5: I definitely want to focus on making that not happen again.

984
00:45:28,239 --> 00:45:31,920
Speaker 1: So yeah, and they're not your responsibility, you know, these

985
00:45:32,320 --> 00:45:33,640
Speaker 1: these other people in the relationship.

986
00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:36,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, Ramone, go get your act together. I've got faith

987
00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:36,719
Speaker 2: in you.

988
00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:40,200
Speaker 5: Thank you. And like I said this podcast, actually when

989
00:45:40,320 --> 00:45:43,240
Speaker 5: I was in the darkest times with this person, helped

990
00:45:43,239 --> 00:45:46,480
Speaker 5: me get away from it because these conversations that you

991
00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:48,960
Speaker 5: have with people and the people you have calling in.

992
00:45:49,280 --> 00:45:50,640
Speaker 5: It really did help me a lot.

993
00:45:50,920 --> 00:45:52,080
Speaker 2: Thank you. I'd love to hear that.

994
00:45:52,400 --> 00:45:52,680
Speaker 3: All right.

995
00:45:52,719 --> 00:45:56,680
Speaker 1: Well, thanks for calling in ramone.

996
00:45:57,280 --> 00:45:57,920
Speaker 5: Thank you guys.

997
00:45:59,320 --> 00:46:00,640
Speaker 3: Jesus.

998
00:46:01,040 --> 00:46:06,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, lots of serious you got down your business. We're

999
00:46:06,520 --> 00:46:09,000
Speaker 2: running a medical practice here. This is serious ship.

1000
00:46:09,680 --> 00:46:11,920
Speaker 3: I know you're doctors.

1001
00:46:12,360 --> 00:46:15,640
Speaker 2: Everyone needs a self esteem boost, everybody. Everybody needs like

1002
00:46:15,680 --> 00:46:18,040
Speaker 2: an injection of self esteem every morning.

1003
00:46:18,920 --> 00:46:21,560
Speaker 3: It is really true. I think we could all use that.

1004
00:46:21,680 --> 00:46:23,440
Speaker 2: I know, I wish I knew what that could be.

1005
00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:25,680
Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like you come in the room

1006
00:46:25,680 --> 00:46:28,440
Speaker 1: and it's an injection of self esteem. It's just like

1007
00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:30,839
Speaker 1: like you give that to yourself in the morning because

1008
00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:32,839
Speaker 1: you come in the room and it's just like here,

1009
00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:36,360
Speaker 1: I am, I'm present. I don't know. It's big energy

1010
00:46:36,400 --> 00:46:37,120
Speaker 1: in a good way.

1011
00:46:37,239 --> 00:46:40,960
Speaker 2: Thank you. I appreciate that you are good energy. Andrew.

1012
00:46:41,239 --> 00:46:45,719
Speaker 2: I think let's take a quick break. Okay, Oh my god,

1013
00:46:46,080 --> 00:46:50,680
Speaker 2: you you always interrupt the breaks, Andrew, God, there's so long. Okay,

1014
00:46:50,800 --> 00:46:52,719
Speaker 2: We're going to take a quick break. Andrew's not going

1015
00:46:52,760 --> 00:46:59,080
Speaker 2: to say anything, and then we'll be right back and

1016
00:46:59,080 --> 00:46:59,600
Speaker 2: we're back.

1017
00:46:59,840 --> 00:47:02,359
Speaker 1: We are back. This one should be an easy one.

1018
00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:07,360
Speaker 1: For Andrew. I'm back, I'm back, He's back. Dear Chelsea,

1019
00:47:07,480 --> 00:47:10,439
Speaker 1: I'm forty one and my boyfriend is twenty six. We

1020
00:47:10,440 --> 00:47:14,120
Speaker 1: met almost two years ago and he was super inexperienced sexually.

1021
00:47:14,680 --> 00:47:17,319
Speaker 1: When we met, we agreed we'd have an open relationship,

1022
00:47:17,360 --> 00:47:20,359
Speaker 1: but so far we've been monogamous. Our sex is very

1023
00:47:20,400 --> 00:47:23,640
Speaker 1: regular but incredibly vanilla. I've tried to spice it up,

1024
00:47:23,680 --> 00:47:26,399
Speaker 1: but it's been met with very little enthusiasm. I feel

1025
00:47:26,440 --> 00:47:29,479
Speaker 1: like he needs to experience more dick, a variety of dick.

1026
00:47:29,880 --> 00:47:32,040
Speaker 1: The thing is, I get anxiety when I think about

1027
00:47:32,040 --> 00:47:34,319
Speaker 1: opening him up to others, but I really think it's

1028
00:47:34,320 --> 00:47:37,680
Speaker 1: time to bring this up. What's your advice for go

1029
00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:40,520
Speaker 1: out and get some dick? What's your advice for getting

1030
00:47:40,520 --> 00:47:43,840
Speaker 1: myself comfortable and accepting that this young guy deserves my

1031
00:47:43,880 --> 00:47:51,440
Speaker 1: permission for more penetration? Robert Andrew, Robert Robert No.

1032
00:47:51,440 --> 00:47:55,520
Speaker 3: No, he's forty one and his boyfriend is twenty six.

1033
00:47:55,719 --> 00:47:58,400
Speaker 1: Yes, and they've been talked together since his everyone was

1034
00:47:58,400 --> 00:47:58,839
Speaker 1: twenty four.

1035
00:47:59,640 --> 00:48:03,080
Speaker 3: No, get no, let him go, set him.

1036
00:48:03,000 --> 00:48:07,160
Speaker 1: Free, like totally go yeah or a little bit who cares?

1037
00:48:07,280 --> 00:48:09,680
Speaker 2: Just let yeah, he let him? I mean, you can't

1038
00:48:09,680 --> 00:48:12,520
Speaker 2: force him to go get Dick. No, but you can

1039
00:48:12,719 --> 00:48:13,759
Speaker 2: make the suggestion.

1040
00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:17,440
Speaker 3: Yes, No, let him go, Robert, let him go.

1041
00:48:17,800 --> 00:48:19,920
Speaker 2: Everyone needs to sew their oats. I really am a

1042
00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:22,319
Speaker 2: firm believer of that. I mean, how do you know

1043
00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:25,600
Speaker 2: what you like unless you try tons of different things.

1044
00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:28,520
Speaker 3: Yes, you do a bunch of different stuff and then

1045
00:48:28,680 --> 00:48:31,719
Speaker 3: figure it out. No, Robert, let him go.

1046
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:34,200
Speaker 2: How old were you when you lost your virginity? Andrew?

1047
00:48:35,160 --> 00:48:37,000
Speaker 3: I was sixteen?

1048
00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:42,360
Speaker 1: Are you gold star that? I'm a gold start woman?

1049
00:48:45,080 --> 00:48:46,880
Speaker 3: Gold star? But not platinum?

1050
00:48:47,440 --> 00:48:48,600
Speaker 1: Oh wait, what's platinum?

1051
00:48:49,120 --> 00:48:50,400
Speaker 3: Born via C section?

1052
00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:55,800
Speaker 2: So never touched him, touched a vagina?

1053
00:48:56,120 --> 00:48:56,440
Speaker 1: Got it?

1054
00:48:57,480 --> 00:48:58,200
Speaker 2: I'm good enough.

1055
00:48:58,400 --> 00:49:01,640
Speaker 1: Platinum, okay, fantastic.

1056
00:49:01,719 --> 00:49:06,160
Speaker 2: What's better than the platinum? Anything? No, I mean I

1057
00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:08,440
Speaker 2: don't know there weren't father, If your mother was a

1058
00:49:08,480 --> 00:49:12,120
Speaker 2: father and you never were even inside a woman's body? Well, no,

1059
00:49:12,239 --> 00:49:15,120
Speaker 2: that because you have to Well no, I have to

1060
00:49:15,120 --> 00:49:15,879
Speaker 2: take that one through.

1061
00:49:16,880 --> 00:49:18,799
Speaker 3: Workshop it, workshop it, I will.

1062
00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:20,760
Speaker 2: I'll continue to workshop it. I'm sure it won't offend

1063
00:49:20,800 --> 00:49:26,280
Speaker 2: anybody me questioning. Right, Well, we're ready to wrap it up, Andrew,

1064
00:49:26,320 --> 00:49:28,440
Speaker 2: I'm going to encourage everybody to get your book.

1065
00:49:28,760 --> 00:49:31,040
Speaker 3: Well, thank you so much. And I can't thank you

1066
00:49:31,160 --> 00:49:36,280
Speaker 3: enough for having me again, huge, huge fan, first time caller,

1067
00:49:37,239 --> 00:49:40,800
Speaker 3: but longtime listener, and man, no man, am I a

1068
00:49:40,920 --> 00:49:43,640
Speaker 3: fan of yours And I'm so happy to meet you.

1069
00:49:43,880 --> 00:49:45,719
Speaker 2: Thanks, honey, it's so nice to meet you.

1070
00:49:46,160 --> 00:49:49,400
Speaker 3: We can end with that something, of course.

1071
00:49:49,840 --> 00:49:52,000
Speaker 2: Wait, make sure you guys all get a copy of

1072
00:49:52,080 --> 00:49:54,759
Speaker 2: Uncle of the Year. That's his second book, andrew second book.

1073
00:49:54,760 --> 00:49:58,200
Speaker 2: Congratulations on the publication. It's very funny. Everybody grab a

1074
00:49:58,239 --> 00:50:00,200
Speaker 2: copy and read it. You're going to love it.

1075
00:50:00,280 --> 00:50:02,719
Speaker 1: Thank you, no problem, have a great.

1076
00:50:02,560 --> 00:50:06,840
Speaker 3: Day, Thank you, bye bye.

1077
00:50:07,600 --> 00:50:10,320
Speaker 2: And I have just announced new stand updates for my

1078
00:50:10,360 --> 00:50:11,360
Speaker 2: Little Big Bitch tour.

1079
00:50:11,400 --> 00:50:11,720
Speaker 3: Guys.

1080
00:50:11,760 --> 00:50:15,319
Speaker 2: I announced twenty five new cities. These are probably a

1081
00:50:15,360 --> 00:50:18,200
Speaker 2: lot of the cities people have been mentioning in the comments.

1082
00:50:18,760 --> 00:50:20,440
Speaker 2: I start out in East Hampton.

1083
00:50:20,680 --> 00:50:21,680
Speaker 1: I go to New York, d C.

1084
00:50:21,920 --> 00:50:27,360
Speaker 2: During North Carolina, LA, Phoenix, Cleveland, Columbus, Pittsburgh, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Portland,

1085
00:50:27,680 --> 00:50:30,960
Speaker 2: to name just some. I will be performing at the

1086
00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:34,919
Speaker 2: Kennedy Center, everybody that's in DC October sixth. I'm super

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Speaker 2: psyched to be performing there.

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Speaker 1: Also.

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Speaker 2: I just outed second shows in New York, DC, Seattle,

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Speaker 2: and San Francisco. There are more I have dates coming

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Speaker 2: up for the next three months and then more dates

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Speaker 2: coming up in the fall. So those have all been announced.

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Speaker 1: They're on my Instagram page, or you can go to

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Speaker 1: Chelsea Hamma dot com. Thank you. If you'd like advice

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00:50:54,600 --> 00:50:57,800
Speaker 1: from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast

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00:50:57,840 --> 00:51:00,000
Speaker 1: at gmail dot com and be sure to include your

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Speaker 1: phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad

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00:51:03,600 --> 00:51:06,719
Speaker 1: Dickert executive producer Katherine Law and be sure to check

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Speaker 1: out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com.