1 00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:08,200 Speaker 1: This is let's be clear with Shannon Dherty. Hello, let's 2 00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:12,800 Speaker 1: be clear. Family. My name's Diane Farr. I like Shannon 3 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:14,800 Speaker 1: Dherty and an actress who's been around for a really 4 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:18,080 Speaker 1: long time, almost the same exact amount of time. We 5 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:21,040 Speaker 1: lost Shannon at fifty three. I'm fifty five. I was 6 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,000 Speaker 1: in high school when sorry, I was in college when 7 00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:26,439 Speaker 1: she was on nine oh two and Zer and not 8 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,920 Speaker 1: working yet, and not working for a long while. It's 9 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:31,640 Speaker 1: took me a long time to get going. But her 10 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:35,960 Speaker 1: impact on my family is maybe unique, or maybe it's 11 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:39,639 Speaker 1: the most universal kind there is. My mom and my 12 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:42,960 Speaker 1: next brother down on the family had a standing date 13 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:45,800 Speaker 1: every week to watch nine oh two and Oh. Today, 14 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:48,400 Speaker 1: I have a teenage kid who's about the age my 15 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:52,159 Speaker 1: brother was then. It's really hard to find things to 16 00:00:52,159 --> 00:00:55,160 Speaker 1: do with your teenage son that he's willing to do 17 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:57,800 Speaker 1: with his mother. Most of them don't have it in public. 18 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:00,880 Speaker 1: You're not allowed to touch them, you're not allowed to 19 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:05,720 Speaker 1: touch their hair. Especially the idea of my mother and 20 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:09,520 Speaker 1: my brother sitting on the couch every week so excited 21 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:14,200 Speaker 1: mostly to see what Shannon was going to do, is 22 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:17,480 Speaker 1: one of the best memories I have of them. And 23 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:19,679 Speaker 1: then when I was out of college and in La 24 00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:23,000 Speaker 1: hustling looking for work, Shannon had moved on to Charmed. 25 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,600 Speaker 1: I got to say, she's clearly a woman ahead of 26 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:30,960 Speaker 1: her time. She was speaking about things long before women 27 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:34,120 Speaker 1: were allowed to speak about them. I've long felt that 28 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:39,880 Speaker 1: America has trouble with ambitious women. They often feel like 29 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,640 Speaker 1: we should be in a small box, that women who 30 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:46,039 Speaker 1: use their voice and use their voice to save themselves 31 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:50,280 Speaker 1: are frowned upon. This is like something that's still ongoing. 32 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:54,960 Speaker 1: We're making headway, but I admire Shannon and I'm really 33 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:58,360 Speaker 1: happy to be here today as a guest host. Lindsay 34 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:00,920 Speaker 1: Price was going to join me the morning A nine 35 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,440 Speaker 1: on two and o Alum, who's a friend of mine. 36 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:05,800 Speaker 1: We did a show together called Splitting Up Together. We 37 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,680 Speaker 1: were so excited to come on and talk about her 38 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:11,680 Speaker 1: experience there, but she's sick. So if I'm ever invited back, 39 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:15,080 Speaker 1: she can't wait to be here. Also, so people will 40 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:18,440 Speaker 1: know me from one of three camps. Mostly it's Rescue 41 00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:20,680 Speaker 1: Me and maybe The Job, the first show that I 42 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:23,440 Speaker 1: did with Dennis Leary, the first show that I did 43 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,720 Speaker 1: playing a firefighter. I'm currently on a CBS show called 44 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:30,800 Speaker 1: fire Country. Playing a firefighter again. My first time was 45 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:34,880 Speaker 1: just after nine to eleven, playing a New York City firefighter, 46 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,639 Speaker 1: and now I play a cal firefighter. I play the 47 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:41,840 Speaker 1: chief now and it's just after the LA fires, So 48 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:45,560 Speaker 1: I have a really strong connection to firefighting. And then 49 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,639 Speaker 1: I've been playing it on and off for twenty five 50 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,880 Speaker 1: years and it just really gives me an idea of service. 51 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 1: Other things people know me for are either numbers or Roswell. 52 00:02:56,639 --> 00:02:58,799 Speaker 1: And the beginning of my career, I was a talk 53 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:03,440 Speaker 1: show host on LOVEE Line with Doctor Drew and Adam Carolla. 54 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,920 Speaker 1: We did two hundred episodes on MTV that was me 55 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,639 Speaker 1: with the very short hair and the big laugh, and 56 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,800 Speaker 1: we were talking about sex, drugs and rock and roll 57 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:15,959 Speaker 1: and the amount of visibility I had was so high 58 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:19,799 Speaker 1: and the money I was making was so small. It 59 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:23,720 Speaker 1: was a crazy time in my life. I imagine, probably 60 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:26,320 Speaker 1: the closest I ever got to what the teenagers were 61 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:30,799 Speaker 1: feeling at nine o two and zero. But I survived 62 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:34,280 Speaker 1: it like everyone there did and went on. I really 63 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,560 Speaker 1: thankful that I get to work as an actor. The 64 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:39,360 Speaker 1: most consistent thing in my life that I think tracks 65 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,480 Speaker 1: with Shannon, which is I think why I'm here today 66 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:46,600 Speaker 1: is travel. I have been a traveler my whole life, 67 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:49,360 Speaker 1: and I think there was a difference between a traveler 68 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:52,440 Speaker 1: and a tourist. I think I've been to about one 69 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:55,840 Speaker 1: hundred countries. There's an app on the phone called bin 70 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:59,320 Speaker 1: b E E N and you can track all the 71 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:02,000 Speaker 1: places you've been, and it says I've been to forty 72 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:05,280 Speaker 1: four percent of the world. I've done most of this 73 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:09,320 Speaker 1: traveling by myself. I did it mostly when I was impoverished. 74 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:14,160 Speaker 1: I remember my first year out of drama school. I'm 75 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:17,800 Speaker 1: twenty two. I am a full time waitress. That is 76 00:04:17,839 --> 00:04:19,800 Speaker 1: the only place I was making a living, and I 77 00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:23,240 Speaker 1: was spending almost all of that money on headshots and 78 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:27,160 Speaker 1: mailings and these little workshops you could do to try 79 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,560 Speaker 1: and meet an agent. And when I was doing my taxes, 80 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:32,960 Speaker 1: I didn't get the math gene. Know one in my 81 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,960 Speaker 1: family got the math gene. So I used to go 82 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:38,000 Speaker 1: home to my parents' house and visit with our nextraor neighbors, 83 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,960 Speaker 1: and they would help me with my taxes. I made 84 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:43,560 Speaker 1: fourteen thousand dollars my first year out of school entirely 85 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:46,680 Speaker 1: as a waitress, and I had been to seven countries 86 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:50,240 Speaker 1: that year. So my traveling has nothing to do with money. 87 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:52,600 Speaker 1: It has nothing to do with the hotels that I 88 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:56,200 Speaker 1: stay in. When I go to places, it's mostly to learn. 89 00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 1: It's not really like, oh, this would be fun for 90 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,240 Speaker 1: me to go somewhere new. Is a little bit like 91 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:06,000 Speaker 1: the pull towards the center of the earth. There is 92 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:09,039 Speaker 1: a gravitational force. It's how I've learned everything in my 93 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:11,680 Speaker 1: life of value. I didn't get a lot out of school. 94 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:15,080 Speaker 1: I watched my teenage kids bored out of their mind 95 00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:17,599 Speaker 1: most of the time in school. But I can remember 96 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,479 Speaker 1: the first time I was in Israel, traveling to the 97 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:24,200 Speaker 1: Dead Sea and looking around, going, oh, that's what they 98 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:28,000 Speaker 1: were talking about in geography, Or the first time I 99 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:31,919 Speaker 1: was in New Zealand and I saw a fjord and 100 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:36,480 Speaker 1: I was understanding how water could cut land and how 101 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,760 Speaker 1: that affects us, And oh, that's what was happening in 102 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:43,200 Speaker 1: the Grand Canyon, and that's what that iceberg in Iceland, 103 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:46,200 Speaker 1: that's what they were talking about, were cut through and 104 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:49,920 Speaker 1: why there's so many of them there. It's also been 105 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,920 Speaker 1: really healing for me. Who I travel with, where I go, 106 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:56,200 Speaker 1: how long we do it for, and why we're going. 107 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,919 Speaker 1: I went to college in England, so I had traveled 108 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,320 Speaker 1: a lot around a lot of Europe. By the time 109 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,560 Speaker 1: I was twenty. You know, you could buy a train 110 00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:07,760 Speaker 1: pass and I had backpack and I was off on 111 00:06:07,839 --> 00:06:10,080 Speaker 1: every one of those holidays. So by the time I 112 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,680 Speaker 1: got out of school, I was looking to go to 113 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:15,400 Speaker 1: places that nobody was into yet, and nobody my age 114 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,640 Speaker 1: was looking for because they want to go have a 115 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:21,960 Speaker 1: good time in Paris. So I started doing most of 116 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,960 Speaker 1: the trips by myself then, and then it just became 117 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:26,760 Speaker 1: clear that I was going to learn more about a 118 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,160 Speaker 1: place if I was on my own, and I was 119 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:31,080 Speaker 1: going to meet other travelers. In the early days with 120 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:35,560 Speaker 1: the youth hostels, and there were books that I would take. 121 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:38,360 Speaker 1: It's so easy now at the internet, but Let's Go 122 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,040 Speaker 1: books are still my favorite to this day. I will 123 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,560 Speaker 1: get a Let's Go book and a Fromer's the highest 124 00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:48,280 Speaker 1: end and the lowest end of spending money and compare 125 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:51,360 Speaker 1: the two and figure it out from there. I'm in 126 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:53,640 Speaker 1: the midst of planning a trip that I'm about to 127 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:58,000 Speaker 1: take in two weeks, which is probably the most monumental 128 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:02,599 Speaker 1: for my heart. My dad is turning eighty this year, 129 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,880 Speaker 1: And I think, like a lot of our listeners, aging 130 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:09,840 Speaker 1: parents is something we don't talk enough about and how 131 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:12,080 Speaker 1: much work it is and how many decisions there are 132 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:15,080 Speaker 1: to make, And I don't know there if anybody has 133 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:19,040 Speaker 1: a predecessor at this everyone has the ability to live 134 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,680 Speaker 1: much longer if they survived the middle part of their life. 135 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,080 Speaker 1: And how do we keep our parents as a part 136 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:29,320 Speaker 1: of society. How do we keep them interested? How do 137 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:32,360 Speaker 1: we keep them from becoming feeble if they're home and 138 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:38,920 Speaker 1: they're alone. My dad asked my son to go to China. 139 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,240 Speaker 1: This was the strangest thing. My son is about to 140 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:45,880 Speaker 1: turn eighteen. He was visiting colleges in Florida. I'm from 141 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,920 Speaker 1: New York. All the people I know in New York 142 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:52,640 Speaker 1: retire in Florida. It's God's waiting room. So my son 143 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:55,160 Speaker 1: was looking at the University of Miami. I think mostly 144 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:59,400 Speaker 1: because he's obsessed with his grandfather. And they went down 145 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:01,440 Speaker 1: to tour it to get I set my son and 146 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:03,480 Speaker 1: they stayed in a hotel and they had a great 147 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:06,840 Speaker 1: time for two days. And my son asked my soon 148 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:10,000 Speaker 1: to be eighty year old dad, what's on your bucket list? 149 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:13,320 Speaker 1: As an octagenarian, what do you still want to do? Grandpa? 150 00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:15,640 Speaker 1: And my father said, I've always wanted to see the 151 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:18,280 Speaker 1: Great Wall of China. I got to tell you, I 152 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:21,920 Speaker 1: have never heard of this life dream of his. Never, never, ever. 153 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,600 Speaker 1: My father loves the golf channel. It doesn't leave very much. 154 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,360 Speaker 1: He doesn't even fly to see us for holidays. He 155 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:31,920 Speaker 1: would rather be home. He's like an old school spy 156 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,800 Speaker 1: rather than anyone know his Floridian whereabouts. He'd miss a 157 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,800 Speaker 1: holiday with us, which I think adds to the mystique 158 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:42,240 Speaker 1: for my seventeen year old son. My son came home 159 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:46,720 Speaker 1: from this college tour completely annoyed with me, like, Mom, 160 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:49,760 Speaker 1: what is wrong with you? This is your whole deal. 161 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,120 Speaker 1: You drag your kids around the whole world, trying to 162 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,720 Speaker 1: teach them things about people and food and culture, and 163 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,280 Speaker 1: that we're not the center of the universe, nor is 164 00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:00,360 Speaker 1: this place that we started from. But you all to 165 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,720 Speaker 1: take your father to his life's dream at the Great 166 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:05,680 Speaker 1: Wall of China. I explained that I didn't know this 167 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:09,520 Speaker 1: was his life stream and really wondered how much I 168 00:09:09,559 --> 00:09:12,760 Speaker 1: wanted to tell my son about my journey with my father. 169 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 1: When I was growing up, my parents were married my 170 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:19,400 Speaker 1: entire life. They got divorced when I was in my 171 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:24,680 Speaker 1: early thirties, But my dad's main priority was my mom, 172 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:28,160 Speaker 1: which was a really interesting thing to see. You know, 173 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,440 Speaker 1: I have children now and you hear all these stories 174 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:33,120 Speaker 1: about people having children and it's like your heart walking 175 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:37,160 Speaker 1: around outside your body in them, and that everything you 176 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:40,240 Speaker 1: do is for your kids. That was not my experience 177 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:43,320 Speaker 1: in my house growing up. My father's goal was to 178 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:46,280 Speaker 1: be closer to my mom, and his kids were kind 179 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:49,040 Speaker 1: of in the way of that. It did not lead 180 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:52,720 Speaker 1: to a great dynamic between us. My mother was also 181 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:56,520 Speaker 1: an alpha female, an outspoken woman who was way ahead 182 00:09:56,520 --> 00:10:00,640 Speaker 1: of her time, and that was it's hard for us 183 00:10:00,679 --> 00:10:04,840 Speaker 1: as kids inside the house and outside of it. But 184 00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:07,560 Speaker 1: then she gets sick. Also. My mom also died from 185 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:11,439 Speaker 1: cancer nine years ago now. She died of pancreatic cancer, 186 00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:16,920 Speaker 1: and her sickness, like most, was as soon as she 187 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:19,520 Speaker 1: found out she had it. She knew it was chronic 188 00:10:19,679 --> 00:10:23,679 Speaker 1: and terminal and this would be how she went. And 189 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,120 Speaker 1: that was not an easy time for my family. Like 190 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:30,920 Speaker 1: so many people around death, there became camps, There became sides, 191 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,800 Speaker 1: There became ideas of how things should be done, how 192 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:38,480 Speaker 1: people should behave, and it really split us up. By 193 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:41,400 Speaker 1: the time my mother passed, I hadn't heard from my 194 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:45,560 Speaker 1: father and over a year and a half. They were 195 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:51,200 Speaker 1: divorced twenty years by then, but once she became sick, 196 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:53,880 Speaker 1: my father's goal again was to try and take care 197 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:57,720 Speaker 1: of my mom, even at the cost of our relationship. 198 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,320 Speaker 1: After she passed, it took me a solid year to 199 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,600 Speaker 1: even consider speaking to my dad. By then, he had 200 00:11:05,679 --> 00:11:09,360 Speaker 1: started reaching out saying, that's enough time, that's enough time 201 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:12,600 Speaker 1: for us not to be talking. Please call me, And 202 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:15,200 Speaker 1: then a month later I'd get another voicemail and the 203 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:19,280 Speaker 1: please would be gone, and then I got some yelling voicemails, 204 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:22,600 Speaker 1: and then I had to block him for my own 205 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:38,760 Speaker 1: health and the health of a possible relationship someday. So 206 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,360 Speaker 1: a year and a half after my mother died, I 207 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:44,640 Speaker 1: cut off all connection to my dad. I had three 208 00:11:44,679 --> 00:11:47,160 Speaker 1: little kids. I was working on a TV show in 209 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:50,480 Speaker 1: la It was called Splitting Up Together, the one that 210 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:53,280 Speaker 1: I did with Lindsay Price, and it was a really 211 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:56,199 Speaker 1: hard time. I also was going through a divorce myself, 212 00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:01,400 Speaker 1: three kids after twelve years of marriage, which in the 213 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:05,199 Speaker 1: wake of my mother's passing. Not speaking to the rest 214 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:09,360 Speaker 1: of my family. It was really dark, so I cut 215 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:12,160 Speaker 1: off all contact for the hope of what could be 216 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:14,600 Speaker 1: later when I did some healing on my own, and 217 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,839 Speaker 1: I did a lot of healing. There was a lot 218 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:19,920 Speaker 1: of therapy. There was a lot of traveling with the kids. 219 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:23,079 Speaker 1: The first thing I think I did once my mom 220 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,599 Speaker 1: had passed and I was no longer married, was I 221 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:29,280 Speaker 1: took them to a dude ranch in Wyoming. Our family 222 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:33,920 Speaker 1: goal has always been one country a year and two states. 223 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:39,679 Speaker 1: If we're American, we must see America. We must learn America, 224 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,960 Speaker 1: because it's so polarized at the moment. What I feel 225 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,120 Speaker 1: in the city of Los Angeles or growing up in 226 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:47,800 Speaker 1: New York feels like it has nothing to do with 227 00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:53,760 Speaker 1: Kentucky at the moment, or Nebraska or Texas. So I've 228 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:56,760 Speaker 1: taken my kids to two states every year. So we 229 00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,000 Speaker 1: were in Wyoming at a dude ranch because there was 230 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:01,640 Speaker 1: a lot of physical life activities for them, and I 231 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:03,560 Speaker 1: knew I could keep them safe even though I was 232 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:09,160 Speaker 1: a single mom. My dad knew nothing of my whereabouts. 233 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,480 Speaker 1: And this whole year went by, and at the end 234 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,319 Speaker 1: of it, I thought, Okay, let me bee a big girl. 235 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:18,560 Speaker 1: I've been to a lot of therapy. I had sort 236 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,720 Speaker 1: of mourned the relationship with my father I thought I 237 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:24,120 Speaker 1: wanted and I was willing to accept the one I had. 238 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,640 Speaker 1: That was a lot of conversations about what I wish 239 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:30,280 Speaker 1: he had said, or what I wanted him to say, 240 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:33,800 Speaker 1: or what I wanted to be when I wanted to 241 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:37,800 Speaker 1: be in focus when my mother was dying. And when 242 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:40,360 Speaker 1: I unblocked him on my phone, this strange thing happened. 243 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:43,640 Speaker 1: I basically allowed his emails and his phone his phone 244 00:13:43,679 --> 00:13:47,200 Speaker 1: number to come into my phone number, and it released 245 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:51,440 Speaker 1: twelve voicemails from him over the course of that year 246 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,199 Speaker 1: that I had blocked him. My father left me a 247 00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:57,120 Speaker 1: voicemail once a month. They were still angry in the beginning. 248 00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:01,160 Speaker 1: The first three of them were demand about what I 249 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:04,640 Speaker 1: was required to do duty what he believed was my 250 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:09,120 Speaker 1: job as his daughter, and the next three we're a 251 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:13,000 Speaker 1: little more passive, and then the last six were a 252 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:17,640 Speaker 1: straight progression upward to the relationship we really want to 253 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,560 Speaker 1: have with me. By the last one, he was saying, 254 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:24,280 Speaker 1: I love you very much. If you call me back, 255 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,480 Speaker 1: that's great, and if you don't, I just wanted to 256 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:30,440 Speaker 1: let you know that today, and that felt like exactly 257 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,560 Speaker 1: where I wanted to be. That felt like the relationship 258 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:37,840 Speaker 1: I wanted to have. We had our first conversation two 259 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:41,680 Speaker 1: and a half years after my mother's passing. I had 260 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:44,920 Speaker 1: called a friend beforehand to sort of warm up, to 261 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:49,640 Speaker 1: give myself a time limit, and the same friend was 262 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,640 Speaker 1: willing to take my call. After this call with my dad, 263 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,680 Speaker 1: it went pretty well, and then we had to do 264 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,640 Speaker 1: some figuring out, so we went back to text for 265 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:00,640 Speaker 1: a while. In the beginning, you would send me a 266 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:04,200 Speaker 1: lot of pictures of my mother who had passed before 267 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,440 Speaker 1: she was sick, to remind me who she was and 268 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,320 Speaker 1: who he missed, and I had to keep saying to 269 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:12,000 Speaker 1: him gently, I don't miss the same woman that you miss. 270 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:16,040 Speaker 1: We don't have the same experience. Please stop sending me pictures, 271 00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:20,600 Speaker 1: and over time that was hurt. It was a very 272 00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,720 Speaker 1: slow rule. It took five years before I saw my dad. 273 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,400 Speaker 1: We brought him here for Christmas with the kids. My 274 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,920 Speaker 1: kids missed him terribly. He's really fun, isn't it amazing 275 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:34,560 Speaker 1: the difference between a parent and a grandparent. He was 276 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,640 Speaker 1: a really good time for them. So cut to three 277 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:41,360 Speaker 1: years later, my son is visiting with my father and 278 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,600 Speaker 1: makes this request to go to the Great Wall of 279 00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:49,680 Speaker 1: China as a non traveling person to my seventeen year 280 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:52,240 Speaker 1: old kid. Now, my son comes home and he's totally 281 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,520 Speaker 1: annoyed with me for failing to do this for Grandpa. 282 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,440 Speaker 1: And I have to say to my son, do you 283 00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:58,520 Speaker 1: know how hard it is to go to China. It's 284 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:03,840 Speaker 1: a really longflo there's nothing direct, there is no English 285 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,720 Speaker 1: on the ground. When we get there, our cell phones 286 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:09,320 Speaker 1: won't work, our credit cards won't work. I know, Bijing 287 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:14,160 Speaker 1: is opening up from the communist government that's been there 288 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:18,680 Speaker 1: a long time, and it's opening itself to travelers. Air 289 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,360 Speaker 1: quality is really bad. Your dad is eighty years old. 290 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:24,320 Speaker 1: The Wall, the Great Wall is a lot of walking. 291 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:27,880 Speaker 1: Oh and he wants to see the Terracotta warriors. Okay, 292 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,760 Speaker 1: well that's in a different city than Beijing and requires 293 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:33,920 Speaker 1: a plane ticket. The truth is, as soon as they 294 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,240 Speaker 1: said it, I knew I was going. I didn't really 295 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:42,000 Speaker 1: want to go. Nor is a moody teenager and an 296 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:47,040 Speaker 1: octagenarian my favorite travel buddies. But the only thing I 297 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:51,600 Speaker 1: could hear as this was happening was bucket list. Bucket List, 298 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:58,000 Speaker 1: this is my dad's bucket list dream, meaning he's not 299 00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:01,200 Speaker 1: going to be here for that much much longer. He 300 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,960 Speaker 1: has spent more time on the planet than he has left. 301 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,360 Speaker 1: And the truth is, I don't have that much time 302 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,520 Speaker 1: with my son before he goes off to college. My son, 303 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:12,399 Speaker 1: like I was saying at the beginning about my brother 304 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:16,480 Speaker 1: and my mom watching Shannon on nine O two and zero, 305 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:19,520 Speaker 1: there's very little my son asks to do with me 306 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:22,720 Speaker 1: at this phase in his life. I got to stay 307 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:24,800 Speaker 1: home a lot of time when they were small. It 308 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,360 Speaker 1: was the joy of being an actor. There were hiatuses, 309 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:28,840 Speaker 1: there were times where I could be home for a 310 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:32,840 Speaker 1: lot of it. That's been dwindling with these teenage years. 311 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:37,560 Speaker 1: That's been dwindling quickly when he got his license. So 312 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,600 Speaker 1: I have about five more months with my son every 313 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:43,600 Speaker 1: day in the house, and then he starts his own journey. 314 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:48,120 Speaker 1: So the two of them have concocted maybe the most 315 00:17:48,119 --> 00:17:52,080 Speaker 1: difficult place I could ever imagine, with the most gigantic 316 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:55,560 Speaker 1: time zone, the longest flight. And I put it to 317 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,760 Speaker 1: both of them because this is supposed to be a 318 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:02,679 Speaker 1: learning experience and said, okay, the Chinese government requires a 319 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,720 Speaker 1: visa for Americans to visit, so if you want to 320 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:08,439 Speaker 1: go on this trip. Here's my only ask. I'll do 321 00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:12,280 Speaker 1: everything else. I'll do the immunizations, i will work out 322 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:14,800 Speaker 1: the credit cards and the phones and find the one week. 323 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:16,720 Speaker 1: The three of us can do this, and frankly, I 324 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,439 Speaker 1: will pay for it, because I'm the only one with 325 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:21,240 Speaker 1: a job out of the three of us. But you 326 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,520 Speaker 1: guys just have to get your own visa, because the 327 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:28,600 Speaker 1: visa is an eleven page document you must fill out 328 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:31,680 Speaker 1: and then go to a consulate and wait online two 329 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:34,080 Speaker 1: times for you wait online to drop it off, and 330 00:18:34,119 --> 00:18:37,480 Speaker 1: you wait online to pick it up. I'm just going 331 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,320 Speaker 1: to go ahead and admit that neither one of them 332 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:44,520 Speaker 1: did their visa and we're still going to China. The 333 00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:48,439 Speaker 1: prep for this has unleashed some things about why I 334 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:52,320 Speaker 1: think traveling is so important, about why I think I 335 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:56,640 Speaker 1: learn more from it than anything else. In the eleven 336 00:18:56,760 --> 00:19:02,800 Speaker 1: page visa process with my dad, the Chinese government wanted 337 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,960 Speaker 1: to know a lot of things that mostly pertained to 338 00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:08,560 Speaker 1: working people. Who was your last employer, what is their 339 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:11,399 Speaker 1: cell phone number? What are your parents' names? Do you 340 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,679 Speaker 1: have anyone of Chinese descent? What are your grandparents' names? 341 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:19,160 Speaker 1: Most of this doesn't really apply to my eighty year 342 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:23,119 Speaker 1: old dad, but there's no option to opt out of 343 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:28,240 Speaker 1: these questions. We had to find my father's and worked 344 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:31,119 Speaker 1: in twenty years. We had to find old supervisors and 345 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,640 Speaker 1: phone numbers. We had to find birth dates of relatives 346 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:39,520 Speaker 1: he's never had. We are not Asian, but I understood 347 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,920 Speaker 1: the diplomacy between our countries is always a little bit tough, 348 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:46,600 Speaker 1: so we were filling in everything as best we can. 349 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:51,680 Speaker 1: It became clear that my father didn't know his grandfather's name. 350 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,240 Speaker 1: He'd only met him once. He was tracking down nieces 351 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,639 Speaker 1: and nephews to try and ask them, he couldn't find it. 352 00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,239 Speaker 1: I spent a lot of time on the phone with 353 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:03,320 Speaker 1: my father well, digging through boxes, boxes of information about 354 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:06,240 Speaker 1: his family that he started sharing with me and that 355 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:10,359 Speaker 1: I started sharing with my son, And quickly it became 356 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,719 Speaker 1: clear to me that this is the reason why we 357 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:17,080 Speaker 1: were planning this trip. Sometimes I find like the tourist 358 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:21,360 Speaker 1: things really boring. After I had finished most of Europe 359 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,600 Speaker 1: and some of South America, I made a promise to 360 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,520 Speaker 1: myself that I never needed to go into another church. 361 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:30,639 Speaker 1: I never needed to visit another stained glass window. I 362 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:33,720 Speaker 1: had seen enough of those when I'm going. I'm kind 363 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:35,520 Speaker 1: of going to figure out what a local does on 364 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:40,560 Speaker 1: New Year's Eve or Christmas Eve or their version of 365 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,480 Speaker 1: Fourth of July, depending where I am. But the lead 366 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:46,080 Speaker 1: up to this trip was teaching me things about my 367 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,520 Speaker 1: father and my son that I didn't know that are 368 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,960 Speaker 1: kind of maybe be more important than the trip itself. 369 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:57,280 Speaker 1: By the time we found my father's grandfather's name, me 370 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:02,639 Speaker 1: and my son and my father were overjoyed. It was 371 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:06,959 Speaker 1: like we had accomplished something and we hadn't even gone yet. 372 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:11,760 Speaker 1: Waiting online at the embassy with my son here in 373 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:16,280 Speaker 1: Los Angeles. My son is half Korean, his dad is Korean, 374 00:21:17,119 --> 00:21:21,080 Speaker 1: and we're walking in and it's mostly Asian people applying 375 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:24,760 Speaker 1: for vieces and I was probably the only white person 376 00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:27,760 Speaker 1: inside that day. And when we got up to the counter, 377 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:31,240 Speaker 1: the woman behind it did something really interesting. It was 378 00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:33,920 Speaker 1: like one of those moments where you think people are 379 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:37,399 Speaker 1: different and you look at language assessment and you believe 380 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:40,920 Speaker 1: it has something to do with intelligence. And in one 381 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,760 Speaker 1: moment she looked at me and said, where is his 382 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:47,440 Speaker 1: father from? No, sorry, she said, where is your husband from? 383 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:51,560 Speaker 1: I was so taken. Aback, I haven't been married in 384 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:56,000 Speaker 1: nine years now, and I said, Korea. What she was 385 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,240 Speaker 1: trying to do is find out was if we were 386 00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:01,040 Speaker 1: of Chinese descent, because that would be a very big 387 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:06,159 Speaker 1: difference in the visa. And she didn't ask him, and 388 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,679 Speaker 1: she didn't ask me about him. She just asked me 389 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:11,600 Speaker 1: like a three step out question because she needed the 390 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:14,199 Speaker 1: information to make sure they were safe. It was the 391 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:19,800 Speaker 1: most like crazy James BONDI diplomatically done question I ever heard. 392 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,480 Speaker 1: And I was like, well done, lady at the consulate. 393 00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:26,520 Speaker 1: It took three days. We got our visa. My father 394 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:29,480 Speaker 1: had to fly to New York and visit all of 395 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:33,480 Speaker 1: my brothers. So family happening all over the place from 396 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:38,400 Speaker 1: this one trip, and we're leaving for my sun's spring break. 397 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:41,840 Speaker 1: Which leads me to the other most important rule of 398 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:45,320 Speaker 1: travel that I have had for thirty five years that 399 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,240 Speaker 1: has never done me wrong, and that is the five 400 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:52,679 Speaker 1: day rule. When I go traveling with anyone, I have 401 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:57,200 Speaker 1: a five day rule. This started with like being twenty 402 00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:01,639 Speaker 1: two years old, meeting a guy in Vietnam and he 403 00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:03,760 Speaker 1: seemed kind of cool, and you had a little bit 404 00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,959 Speaker 1: of broken English, and you had a great time, and 405 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,439 Speaker 1: you had a mad crush and there was lots of 406 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,960 Speaker 1: making out, and then on the fifth day, you guys 407 00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:14,199 Speaker 1: went out to meet some other travelers for dinner, and 408 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:16,960 Speaker 1: you realized you hated his coat, and therefore you didn't 409 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,879 Speaker 1: like him at all. It was like the crushes that 410 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,160 Speaker 1: I would have on either a country or a person, 411 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:26,000 Speaker 1: or a place or an itinerary. Some crazy activity like 412 00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:30,679 Speaker 1: I don't know, river boating in New Zealand could last 413 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:34,040 Speaker 1: for five days no matter what. I could have a 414 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:36,400 Speaker 1: good time with absolutely anyone for five days. But after 415 00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:39,800 Speaker 1: five days doesn't feel like friendship anymore. It's starting to 416 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:42,560 Speaker 1: feel like need. It's starting to feel like family. It's 417 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:44,800 Speaker 1: starting to feel like people lean on each other in 418 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:48,240 Speaker 1: a way that isn't really conducive to spending twenty four 419 00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:51,160 Speaker 1: hours a day together. So I have a five day rule. 420 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,919 Speaker 1: When my parents come to visit me from LA I 421 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:55,680 Speaker 1: have a five day rule. You can stay in Los 422 00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,800 Speaker 1: Angeles as long as you want, but you can stay 423 00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:01,720 Speaker 1: in my house for five days. I have a boyfriend 424 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,159 Speaker 1: now of two years, and I kind of employ the 425 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:08,120 Speaker 1: same role. He's from Iceland. He lives in Hawaii. When 426 00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:10,879 Speaker 1: he comes to stay here, we stay together five days. 427 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:15,000 Speaker 1: So China is a really big trip to take. It's 428 00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:17,480 Speaker 1: a really big trip to take for only five days. 429 00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:22,320 Speaker 1: But again I go back to moody teenager who does 430 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:24,840 Speaker 1: not like to get up even in his own house 431 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:25,560 Speaker 1: when we have. 432 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:30,040 Speaker 2: Something to do on a Saturday, and octogenarian dad who's 433 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:32,840 Speaker 2: really going to be out of sorts. This is really 434 00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:38,560 Speaker 2: different food, really different weather. It's twenty hours of flying, 435 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:40,480 Speaker 2: We're staying in hotels. 436 00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:44,120 Speaker 1: It's a lot. I don't need to push my dad. 437 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:45,800 Speaker 1: I know what he wants to see. I know what 438 00:24:45,840 --> 00:25:01,760 Speaker 1: he wants to do. We're doing five days. We're going 439 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:05,240 Speaker 1: to take a little smaller, easier trip. My daughters are 440 00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:08,159 Speaker 1: both away at school and they go to school in Switzerland. 441 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:10,680 Speaker 1: So after five days there, I'm going to take them 442 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:13,800 Speaker 1: to Switzerland for four because they felt like a nice 443 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:18,200 Speaker 1: easy country to see. Because I would love my son 444 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:20,399 Speaker 1: to see where his sisters go to school. I would 445 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:23,480 Speaker 1: love my daughters to get to have their grandfather visit 446 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:28,679 Speaker 1: them where they're doing their education. And it's a lot 447 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:32,879 Speaker 1: slower to do. We can order French fries in Switzerland 448 00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:36,520 Speaker 1: because I know how to say that word. So that's 449 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:39,760 Speaker 1: how we're washing off. And this five day rule was 450 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:42,200 Speaker 1: absurd when I first said, it's my father that we're 451 00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:43,520 Speaker 1: going to go all the way there and we're only 452 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:46,040 Speaker 1: going to spend five days. When I expined him, we 453 00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:48,320 Speaker 1: land at four o'clock in the afternoon, and that night 454 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:51,080 Speaker 1: we go to Tianeman Square to take an eighteen year 455 00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:54,959 Speaker 1: old boy to Tiananmen Square on his first night that 456 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:59,600 Speaker 1: far away. My family has been to Korea before because 457 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:03,960 Speaker 1: the kids of Korean descent. We also visited Japan. I 458 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:16,399 Speaker 1: have been to Vietnam, Cambodia, Lao, Malaysia, Thailand, Vietnam, Hong Kong. 459 00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:19,080 Speaker 1: I went to Hong Kong this summer. It was passed 460 00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:22,280 Speaker 1: back to China to see it before it changed over. 461 00:26:24,119 --> 00:26:33,560 Speaker 1: We have been to India, Keshmir, I have. I'm trying 462 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:35,280 Speaker 1: to remember them off the top of my head. I'm 463 00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:38,040 Speaker 1: seeing a map in my head I've been to I 464 00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:40,280 Speaker 1: think I've been to more of Asia than anywhere else. 465 00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:45,320 Speaker 1: But Tianneman Square, for a boy who's about to go 466 00:26:45,359 --> 00:26:47,639 Speaker 1: off to college, feels like the most meaningful thing I 467 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:50,760 Speaker 1: could do with him. We've hired a college student there 468 00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:56,600 Speaker 1: who speaks Chinese and speaks English to and he happens 469 00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:58,960 Speaker 1: to be Mexican and he's going to walk us through 470 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,439 Speaker 1: the square and go through the history of it and 471 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:04,239 Speaker 1: take us into the Forbidden City. There was nothing I 472 00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:06,440 Speaker 1: wanted to do more for my son before he goes 473 00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:09,480 Speaker 1: off to college and gets to question everything I've ever 474 00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:13,360 Speaker 1: taught him about the world than to show him when 475 00:27:13,359 --> 00:27:15,560 Speaker 1: people paid the ultimate price to stand up for what 476 00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:19,480 Speaker 1: they wanted. The next day we see the Great Wall 477 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:22,080 Speaker 1: of China. That's the whole day. I'm hoping it's not 478 00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:24,760 Speaker 1: really eight hours. I'm hoping it's six. And then Dad 479 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,240 Speaker 1: and I and my son I'll go back Ben. The 480 00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:30,399 Speaker 1: third day, we fly over to see the Terracotta Warriors. 481 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,600 Speaker 1: If you're not familiar with this, it's the coolest thing. 482 00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:37,679 Speaker 1: An emperor a really long time ago, for his mausoleum, 483 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:45,000 Speaker 1: he made an army of ten thousand unique soldiers. I 484 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,840 Speaker 1: think the idea was that if you were approaching, you 485 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:50,240 Speaker 1: would not be able to tell that they weren't people. 486 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:53,560 Speaker 1: Each has an individual face. There are slight differences in 487 00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:57,280 Speaker 1: their uniforms, there are slight differences in rank, their hands, 488 00:27:57,320 --> 00:28:02,200 Speaker 1: their feet, every single one is uniquely. It was only 489 00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:06,720 Speaker 1: found in the last I think thirty or forty years 490 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:10,440 Speaker 1: that's our third day, and then we go back and 491 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:14,840 Speaker 1: we have a fourth day to see around Beijing with 492 00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:17,639 Speaker 1: our college student who's going to take us around in 493 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:19,520 Speaker 1: a taxi. And then we have a day of rests 494 00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:21,520 Speaker 1: where everybody can take a nice break for each other. 495 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:25,479 Speaker 1: And eventually my dad came around to the idea of 496 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:29,359 Speaker 1: I think it's enough if the point of the trip 497 00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:31,600 Speaker 1: is for you to see this thing you want to see, 498 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,399 Speaker 1: and the point of the trip for my son is 499 00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:37,680 Speaker 1: to do this with you. The point of the trip 500 00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:41,120 Speaker 1: for me is not to lose my patience with either 501 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:43,320 Speaker 1: of these men that I love. These are the only 502 00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:48,320 Speaker 1: men that I'm related to in my immediate family. These 503 00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:53,720 Speaker 1: are the only men that I claim as my nuclear family. 504 00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:57,360 Speaker 1: I don't want to argue with them. No city in 505 00:28:57,440 --> 00:29:00,480 Speaker 1: China is worth that to me. So I'm keeping small 506 00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:04,480 Speaker 1: like I always have. Last summer, when I finished Fire Country, 507 00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:09,480 Speaker 1: I went to meet my partner, my boyfriend in Malta. 508 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:13,040 Speaker 1: It was a country I was considering for retirement. It's 509 00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:17,400 Speaker 1: part of Europe. It's a little smaller, it's a little 510 00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:21,640 Speaker 1: less expensive, and it's really close to North Africa. It 511 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:24,000 Speaker 1: has sort of like the best of Southern Italy and 512 00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:27,800 Speaker 1: the best of North Africa, a little bit of Marrakesh 513 00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:31,800 Speaker 1: meets Sardinia. If you can imagine if Marrakesh and Sardinia 514 00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:35,440 Speaker 1: had a baby, it would be the big island in Malta. 515 00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:38,960 Speaker 1: And we went to go scuba diving in Gozo. If 516 00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:45,200 Speaker 1: you haven't seen The Deepest Breath, that is the best documentary. 517 00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:47,640 Speaker 1: That's what inspired me to go. So some of my 518 00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:52,720 Speaker 1: trips come from watching documentaries. I'm an avid documentary watcher, 519 00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:55,360 Speaker 1: maybe because I work in television and I don't entirely 520 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:59,080 Speaker 1: shut off if I'm watching a scripted show. Documentaries are 521 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:02,040 Speaker 1: my jam. This was one of the best documentaries I've 522 00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:05,680 Speaker 1: ever seen about traveling because it has a huge pull 523 00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:09,200 Speaker 1: on your heart. It has a love story between people. 524 00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:12,960 Speaker 1: It as a Romeo and Juliette love story. So we 525 00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:17,479 Speaker 1: went diving for the blue pearl. We went diving for 526 00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:23,320 Speaker 1: the blue hole. Sorry yeah, and it was absolutely worth it. 527 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:26,320 Speaker 1: So on that trip I had to make one exception 528 00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:30,040 Speaker 1: because we had gone so far and it was a 529 00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:33,560 Speaker 1: long break. I had been filming for months and I 530 00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:36,400 Speaker 1: wanted to see some other places in Europe. So what 531 00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:38,960 Speaker 1: I did for my five day rule to adjust it was, 532 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:42,640 Speaker 1: I reduced it to four days in multiple places, so 533 00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:46,680 Speaker 1: four days in Malta, four days in Sardinia, same travel mate, 534 00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:49,680 Speaker 1: and then two days to see other friends in Italy. 535 00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:51,600 Speaker 1: So as long as I had a little bit of 536 00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:54,840 Speaker 1: a break with my five day rule, I could apply 537 00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:58,480 Speaker 1: it towards places and know that the change would help 538 00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:02,440 Speaker 1: keep us fresh and keep us as friends, and keep 539 00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:05,560 Speaker 1: us respectful of each other, and still keep it to 540 00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:11,120 Speaker 1: a time limit where the exhaustion of travel and the 541 00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:15,320 Speaker 1: overwhelming part of traveling we were doing on our own. 542 00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:20,680 Speaker 1: And that's where I learned so much, so much about 543 00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:24,160 Speaker 1: my life this trip to China. At the end of 544 00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:26,480 Speaker 1: the day, I feel like it's the final frontier in 545 00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:31,240 Speaker 1: healing with my dad. I feel like we had to 546 00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:34,120 Speaker 1: learn how to claim each other after the loss of 547 00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:39,280 Speaker 1: my mother. When one member of a family dies, I 548 00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:43,080 Speaker 1: know that it affects everybody's role to each other, especially 549 00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:47,800 Speaker 1: if it's a matriarch or a patriarch. I know for 550 00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:50,960 Speaker 1: friends that I've had that grew up with one sick 551 00:31:51,040 --> 00:31:53,400 Speaker 1: person in the family, so much of their life was 552 00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:57,160 Speaker 1: defined by that sickness, by the energy that sickness takes, 553 00:31:57,200 --> 00:32:00,080 Speaker 1: by the care that sickness takes from the rest of 554 00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:04,240 Speaker 1: the family. With my mother's passing, there was a chance 555 00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:07,320 Speaker 1: for my father and I to do it differently. The 556 00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:11,600 Speaker 1: thing that I know, it takes far more courage to 557 00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:14,040 Speaker 1: say I'm going to take a break and not speak 558 00:32:14,080 --> 00:32:16,680 Speaker 1: to this person right now than the courage it takes 559 00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:20,120 Speaker 1: to go to China with him. There will be highs 560 00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:22,680 Speaker 1: in China, and there will be exhausted points because of 561 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:25,840 Speaker 1: the jet lack and being sort of out of control, 562 00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:30,200 Speaker 1: not knowing the language. But the courage it took for 563 00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:32,920 Speaker 1: me to say I need to take a break from 564 00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:38,240 Speaker 1: this person or the relationship will be permanently ruined is 565 00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:43,200 Speaker 1: one of my proudest things to find when that year 566 00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:47,200 Speaker 1: was done, that he hadn't detached from me, that he 567 00:32:47,320 --> 00:32:51,440 Speaker 1: hadn't disowned me for it, that he found his own 568 00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:56,320 Speaker 1: way to meet me where I was. It is kind 569 00:32:56,320 --> 00:32:58,840 Speaker 1: of what I needed. It's kind of what I needed 570 00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:01,160 Speaker 1: all along. It's what I needed growing up. It's what 571 00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:05,440 Speaker 1: I wished for when she was ill, and we only 572 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:09,400 Speaker 1: got it because we dug a little deeper. For the 573 00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:12,960 Speaker 1: people that are looking to travel but feel little limited 574 00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:17,360 Speaker 1: by costs, you might hear that nothing that I've spoken 575 00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:21,680 Speaker 1: about today had to do with fancy flights, fancy hotels, 576 00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:27,520 Speaker 1: really expensive restaurants, the things that have become grammable today. 577 00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:29,840 Speaker 1: I think the things that I'm the most interested in 578 00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:34,120 Speaker 1: when I look at someone's photos of a trip has 579 00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:37,560 Speaker 1: nothing to do with how fancy it is. It has 580 00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:41,000 Speaker 1: to do with the meaning behind it. I don't know 581 00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:43,520 Speaker 1: what will come out of this trip with my father 582 00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:46,320 Speaker 1: physically on the ground, but I know what it's doing 583 00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:48,400 Speaker 1: for the three of us. I know that the three 584 00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:51,800 Speaker 1: of us have this common bond, and some of it 585 00:33:51,840 --> 00:33:57,400 Speaker 1: is surviving each other and surviving our trip to China, 586 00:33:57,960 --> 00:34:01,120 Speaker 1: which is really the most important thing people ask me 587 00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:03,920 Speaker 1: all the time. Also, just traveling the globe make me 588 00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:10,440 Speaker 1: appreciate homework. No, traveling the globe makes me appreciate the globe. 589 00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:13,040 Speaker 1: It makes me appreciate the fact that I am not 590 00:34:13,239 --> 00:34:15,720 Speaker 1: the center of the universe. The place that I started 591 00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:18,120 Speaker 1: is not necessarily the best place in the world, just 592 00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:21,799 Speaker 1: because it's mine, the country that I began and can 593 00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:27,000 Speaker 1: exist without the countries alongside it. And in this moment, 594 00:34:27,360 --> 00:34:30,960 Speaker 1: when America is going through such a transition, it feels 595 00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:34,120 Speaker 1: really important to remember that, like we're all connected, now, 596 00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:39,920 Speaker 1: there's no version of isolationism that's going to work. It 597 00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:41,959 Speaker 1: doesn't work in my heart when I'm home, and it 598 00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:45,799 Speaker 1: doesn't work for my country at the moment. So the 599 00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:50,160 Speaker 1: traveling is really me reminding myself that there's always more. 600 00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:53,560 Speaker 1: There was a day when I went to Anchor Tom 601 00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:57,120 Speaker 1: in Cambodia. An Krowad is the most famous, but Anchor 602 00:34:57,239 --> 00:34:59,800 Speaker 1: Tom is right next to it. They're both great, and 603 00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:02,359 Speaker 1: her time is prettier. It's so old, it's older than 604 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:07,200 Speaker 1: the pyramids. They are religious temples. There are I don't know, 605 00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:11,040 Speaker 1: two or three hundred year old trees grown on top 606 00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:15,960 Speaker 1: of the walls. That's how old it is. So I 607 00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:17,920 Speaker 1: had just lost a friend at the time. A lot 608 00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:20,800 Speaker 1: of my travels, my biggest travels come after the loss 609 00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:25,680 Speaker 1: of someone. And I was passing by the outskirts of 610 00:35:25,719 --> 00:35:28,200 Speaker 1: the temple on my way in, and I was having 611 00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:31,600 Speaker 1: a conversation with my friend that passed. Which if that's 612 00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:36,920 Speaker 1: not something you do regularly, I highly recommend I have 613 00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:40,320 Speaker 1: spectacular relationships with the people in my life who have passed, 614 00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:43,520 Speaker 1: because they're easy to talk to. I know what their voices, 615 00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:47,920 Speaker 1: and I can share my innermost thoughts and believe that 616 00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:50,680 Speaker 1: I can get an answer back. So this friend of 617 00:35:50,719 --> 00:35:53,759 Speaker 1: mine who had just passed, I was really feeling her 618 00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:57,120 Speaker 1: and my back was hurting as I was hiking around 619 00:35:57,200 --> 00:36:00,400 Speaker 1: on these rolling hills alongside the timp pull and air 620 00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:05,960 Speaker 1: cut tom and right outside non Pen and I said 621 00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:08,720 Speaker 1: to her in my head, I think I'm just getting 622 00:36:08,719 --> 00:36:13,840 Speaker 1: old now. I think I was thirty one at the time. 623 00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:17,680 Speaker 1: And I looked to my left and there was one 624 00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:22,600 Speaker 1: of those enormous trees growing on top of a ten 625 00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:26,080 Speaker 1: foot wall. So the wall was I don't know, four 626 00:36:26,160 --> 00:36:28,560 Speaker 1: hundred years old and the tree was one hundred and 627 00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:32,520 Speaker 1: fifty years old. And it made me burst into laughter, 628 00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:37,200 Speaker 1: like literally burst into laughter that I thought I was 629 00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:41,960 Speaker 1: really old at thirty one, and there was like, you know, 630 00:36:43,239 --> 00:36:47,480 Speaker 1: three centuries but standing beside me, still standing, standing awkwardly 631 00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:50,880 Speaker 1: standing on top of each other, is still standing? To me, 632 00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:54,360 Speaker 1: that was one of those moments of Okay, I'm not old. 633 00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:56,759 Speaker 1: The more I move around the earth, the more I 634 00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:59,040 Speaker 1: connect with my spirit and the spirit of the people 635 00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:03,960 Speaker 1: that I love, And this is how I learn. Okay, 636 00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:06,640 Speaker 1: my friends, I think that's all I have for this 637 00:37:06,760 --> 00:37:09,319 Speaker 1: episode of Let's be clear. I really want to thank 638 00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:13,240 Speaker 1: Shannon Darty and her friends and her family for keeping 639 00:37:13,239 --> 00:37:16,400 Speaker 1: this going, for giving me this hour to speak, for 640 00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:20,240 Speaker 1: hopefully inspiring someone to take that trip, and inspiring someone 641 00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:23,000 Speaker 1: to maybe take a break from a family member that 642 00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:25,400 Speaker 1: they're not feeling right with, because I think that's how 643 00:37:25,440 --> 00:37:27,960 Speaker 1: healing can happen. Anybody that's meant to be in your 644 00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:31,120 Speaker 1: life will come back when the time is right, and 645 00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:34,239 Speaker 1: the little courage to do some honest questioning about what 646 00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:38,000 Speaker 1: you want most might lead you to a better relationship. Anyway, 647 00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:42,800 Speaker 1: I hope we've awakened your spirit of curiosity and adventure, 648 00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:46,239 Speaker 1: and I'm wishing you all safe, happy and healing travels. 649 00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:47,120 Speaker 1: Thank you,