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Speaker 1: Pushkin's letter the.

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Speaker 2: Letter Wrap Dot Down.

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Speaker 1: This episode is brought to you by the letter S

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Speaker 1: because today we're talking about.

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Speaker 3: Oh, let me guess, sandwiches, summersaults, sea urchins, safety vests,

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Speaker 3: hey snails, submarines, sunflowers.

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Speaker 1: Self talk S is for self talk, and that's what

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Speaker 1: we're talking about on today's podcast.

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Speaker 3: Self talk. Yes, yes, of course that that was the

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Speaker 3: next thing I was going to say.

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Speaker 1: Self talk is a powerful way to coach ourselves through

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Speaker 1: stressful situations, and it works for people of all ages,

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Speaker 1: whether you're an adult, a kid, a furry blue monster.

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Speaker 1: Do not forget cute Laura podcast host like me who

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Speaker 1: just happens to be having a pretty bad day. Our

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Speaker 1: minds are constantly telling us what to do to be happy.

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Speaker 1: But what if our minds are wrong? What if our

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Speaker 1: minds are lying to us, leading us away from what

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Speaker 1: will really make us happy. The good news is that

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Speaker 1: understanding the science of the mind can point us all

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Speaker 1: back in the right direction. You're listening to the Happiness

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Speaker 1: Lab with me, Doctor Laurie Santos and one of my

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Speaker 1: new friends from Sesame Street, Grover.

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Speaker 3: Listen up, everybody, Hello, was it body?

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Speaker 1: Grover? I am so glad you're here today because I

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Speaker 1: could really use a lift.

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Speaker 3: Oh well, I am fantastic at lifting Waite's furniture.

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Speaker 4: You name it, I can lift it.

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Speaker 1: It's not exactly the lifting I was talking about. See,

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Speaker 1: I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed today. There's so much to

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Speaker 1: do at work and at home and on this podcast.

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Speaker 1: It's a lot for just one me.

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Speaker 4: You know what, I hear you, doctor Lorie.

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Speaker 3: I have got a lot on my plate too, and

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Speaker 3: I am just one Grover.

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Speaker 4: I work three to four jobs of day.

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Speaker 5: You know.

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Speaker 3: Sometimes I am a dog walker, other times a waiter

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Speaker 3: or a delivery monster.

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Speaker 4: Once I was even an engineer.

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Speaker 1: You were. What did you build?

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Speaker 3: Oh, a very impressive tower twenty four stories tall.

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Speaker 1: Twenty four stories that is really tall.

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Speaker 3: Yes, it was built with the finest books the library

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Speaker 3: had to offer, starting with the three Little Pigs at

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Speaker 3: the bottom.

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Speaker 4: And ending way up at the top with my favorite story,

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Speaker 4: Little Red Riding Hood.

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Speaker 1: Wow, you can really do it all. Hey, have you

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Speaker 1: ever run a podcast? Because I could use the help.

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Speaker 3: Run a podcast. Say no more, I you're cute and

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Speaker 3: helpful friend. Grover will do that running for you. I

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Speaker 3: will run around your podcast studio faster than you can say,

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Speaker 3: see you later.

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Speaker 1: See you later. Wait, Grover come back. Maybe I should

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Speaker 1: have been a little clearer. I am so not on

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Speaker 1: my game today. Well, since Grover is getting his steps in,

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Speaker 1: I think now is a good time to welcome someone

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Speaker 1: who might be able to give me some perspective on

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Speaker 1: how I can better manage my tough morning.

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Speaker 2: We cannot show up as our best selves when we're stressed.

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Speaker 1: This is Sesame Workshops, Akimi Gibson.

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Speaker 2: We are currently not very good at giving ourselves enough

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Speaker 2: rest or sleep. We are currently not very good at

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Speaker 2: feeding our bodies what they truly need. We are currently

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Speaker 2: not very good at just saying no.

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Speaker 1: As vice president and educational publisher at the Workshop, Akimi

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Speaker 1: thinks a lot about the impact that stress, self criticism,

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Speaker 1: and big feelings have on our ability to perform at work,

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Speaker 1: parent effectively, or do things like learn.

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Speaker 2: Learning cannot take place when you're so emotionally dysregulated.

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Speaker 1: Akimi also knows the impact that stress and self criticism

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Speaker 1: has had in her own life. As a frazzled single mother,

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Speaker 1: Akimi had many parenting moments that tested her endurance.

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Speaker 2: Every parent understands stop and shop aisle four right.

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Speaker 1: Akimi recalls one particularly awful trip to the grocery store

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Speaker 1: with her grandmother and her eighteen month old son.

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Speaker 2: By the time we hit asle four, total meltout, total,

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Speaker 2: flat out meltdown.

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Speaker 1: Akimi was sorry her toddler is in such distress, but

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Speaker 1: she was annoyed with her son too. His tantrum did

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Speaker 1: not impress Akimi's grandma, who suggested walking away and leaving

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Speaker 1: the crying child to teach him a lesson in good manners.

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Speaker 2: It's inappropriate to have a meltdown and stopping shop. She

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Speaker 2: was highly embarrassed.

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Speaker 1: Akimi was torn.

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Speaker 2: I do recall feeling these flaming eyes on me, judging

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Speaker 2: what I was about to do, and I had a decision.

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Speaker 2: Do I please, which was my normal posture with her,

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Speaker 2: Do I please my grandmother and listen, or do I reject?

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Speaker 1: Akimi's head was swirling with a stream of self criticism.

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Speaker 1: She was embarrassed by her grandmother's disappointment, but she also

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Speaker 1: didn't want to follow such harsh advice, so she just stood.

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Speaker 2: There and watched my child on the floor as others

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Speaker 2: are walking around moving their cards because they don't want

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Speaker 2: to hit the little one.

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Speaker 1: Akimi now knows what she should have done during the

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Speaker 1: Aisle four moment.

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Speaker 2: I needed to catch my breath. I needed slow to

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Speaker 2: my heartbeat, because otherwise I will be sending him the

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Speaker 2: same signals that he was feeling, and I needed to

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Speaker 2: send him a different segment.

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Speaker 1: In her role at Sesame Workshop, Akinmi now wants to

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Speaker 1: teach people the tools they need to give themselves grace

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Speaker 1: and tough moments like these.

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Speaker 2: They have to imagine themselves in a different way. That's hard, Laurie,

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Speaker 2: it's work. We have to exercise a new kind of

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Speaker 2: emotional muscle in order to get there.

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Speaker 1: But what are these emotional muscles that anyone young or

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Speaker 1: old can exercise to deal with these stressful situations. To

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Speaker 1: figure that out, I decided to tag in an expert

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Speaker 1: on the science of emotion management, Ethan Cross.

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Speaker 5: I find it remarkable when you think about the kinds

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Speaker 5: of things we teach kids. We teach them about mathematics

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Speaker 5: and social studies. We teach them about physical fitness. I mean,

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Speaker 5: my kids in elementary school started taking gym classes, but

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Speaker 5: we don't teach them about emotions.

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Speaker 1: As a professor of psychology and Management at the University

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Speaker 1: of Michigan. Ethan studies effective strategies for emotion regulation, the

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Speaker 1: processes we can all use to manage tough feelings like

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Speaker 1: the feeling of overwhelm that I was going through this morning.

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Speaker 5: We have occasion to regulate our emotions each and every day.

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Speaker 5: And we also know from lots of really elegant longitudinal

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Speaker 5: research that people who are more adept at managing their

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Speaker 5: emotions effectively they do better across all walks of life.

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Speaker 5: They think and perform more effectively, they have better social relationships,

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Speaker 5: their physical and mental health is better. So why aren't

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Speaker 5: we taking seriously this idea of teaching kids explicitly about

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Speaker 5: what science has to tell us about how to manage

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Speaker 5: our emotions effectively.

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Speaker 1: But Ethan has taken this idea seriously.

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Speaker 5: So what we really want to do is try to

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Speaker 5: find ways to make emotion regulation really really easy.

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Speaker 1: And Ethan's favorite really really easy strategy is the s

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Speaker 1: in our Letter of the day, and that US is

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Speaker 1: for self talk.

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Speaker 5: So self talk, as the name implies, involves using language

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Speaker 5: to reflect on your life.

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Speaker 1: Self talk is something that you probably engage in all

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Speaker 1: the time but haven't thought about all that much. If

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Speaker 1: you've ever given yourself, a pep talk, run through a

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Speaker 1: big speech you are preparing to give, repeat it a

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Speaker 1: phone number in your mind, or even just criticize yourself. Congratulations,

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Speaker 1: you've engaged in self talk. Self talk, at its simplest level,

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Speaker 1: is just talking to ourselves inside our heads.

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Speaker 5: And that allows us to do many, many different things.

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Speaker 5: It allows us to keep information active in our heads

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Speaker 5: for short periods of time. So if you go to

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Speaker 5: the grocery store and you forget what to buy, and

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Speaker 5: then you think to yourself, what was I supposed to get,

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Speaker 5: and then you repeat the list in your head, that's

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Speaker 5: self talk. We also use self talk to motivate ourselves

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Speaker 5: and control ourselves. When I'm exercising in the gym, I

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Speaker 5: am talking NonStop in my head. Come on, man, You've

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Speaker 5: got this three more sets. And then finally, we use

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Speaker 5: self talk to make sense of our experience in the world.

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Speaker 5: And I often think about this as the most magical

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Speaker 5: quality of self talk. So self talk is helping you

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Speaker 5: really shape your sense of self.

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Speaker 1: But unfortunately, there's also a dark side to self talk.

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Speaker 1: It's what Ethan calls chatter. That's the harsh self critical

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Speaker 1: voice I was using to beat myself up when I

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Speaker 1: was talking to Grover earlier.

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Speaker 5: The inner critic that is chirping up to say you're

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Speaker 5: not good at this, or the depressigenic kinds of self

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Speaker 5: talk that we engage in that make us feel sadder.

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Speaker 5: When we get caught in those negative verbal thought loops,

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Speaker 5: it impairs our ability to think and perform, It creates

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Speaker 5: friction in our relationships with other people, and it undermines

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Speaker 5: our physical and emotional help.

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Speaker 1: If you're prone to chatter this nastier version of self talk,

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Speaker 1: you know it doesn't feel nice. You may even wish

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Speaker 1: you could totally silence that inner voice forever, but that's

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Speaker 1: not what even recommends.

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Speaker 5: If you don't want to silence it, you just want

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Speaker 5: to harness it. And I think the opportunity for parents,

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Speaker 5: for kids, for human beings is to understand how this

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Speaker 5: tool works so you can use it effectively.

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Speaker 1: And one of the best ways to talk to ourselves

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Speaker 1: is to use what Ethan calls distanced self talk.

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Speaker 5: And what it involves doing is using your own name

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Speaker 5: and or the second person pronoun you to coach yourself

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Speaker 5: through a problem.

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Speaker 1: We often talk to ourselves using I or me, as

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Speaker 1: in what's wrong with Me? I need to get it together.

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Speaker 1: I'm off my game. But distance self talk is different.

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Speaker 1: It involves talking to yourself in the second or third person,

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Speaker 1: like Laurie, how are you going to get through this?

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Speaker 1: Or Laurie, you got this.

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Speaker 5: If you think about when we use names and words

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Speaker 5: like you, we use them virtually exclusively when we're thinking

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Speaker 5: about and referring to other people. So when you use

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Speaker 5: those parts of speech to refer to yourself, it's switching

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Speaker 5: your perspective and it's doing it really, really quickly.

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Speaker 1: Using the words we normally use to talk to other

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Speaker 1: people gives our self talk a bit of psychological distance.

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Speaker 1: We feel like we're getting advice from some whyse outside

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Speaker 1: of and that can help us tackle challenges with a

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Speaker 1: bit more perspective than we'd otherwise have.

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Speaker 5: And it really is about using language to step back

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Speaker 5: and reflect on yourself from a more objective standpoint.

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Speaker 1: And Ethan's found that having such objectivity can be super helpful.

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Speaker 1: His research shows that using second or third person language

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Speaker 1: helps people to cope more effectively with stressful situations. People

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Speaker 1: who coach themselves using distant self talk felt less anxious

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Speaker 1: and performed better during tough tasks and challenging events, and

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Speaker 1: Ethan hasn't just seen the power of distant self talk

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Speaker 1: in the laboratory, he's also observed its positive effects in

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Speaker 1: his own family.

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Speaker 5: My oldest daughter, Maya, took up diving a couple of

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Speaker 5: years ago, and divings are really interesting sport because there's

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Speaker 5: a lot of opportunity for chatter, and diving.

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Speaker 1: Divers spend a lot of time sitting around waiting to perform,

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Speaker 1: and when the moment comes and your name is called,

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Speaker 1: you climb the diving board and stand there all alone,

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Speaker 1: just waiting to jump, with all eyes on you.

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Speaker 5: And so I asked my Maya what do you do

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Speaker 5: when you're waiting? Like what are you thinking about? And

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Speaker 5: she's like, well, you know, first I take a couple

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Speaker 5: of deep breaths and then I say to myself, you

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Speaker 5: got this, Maya, you can do this, and then I

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Speaker 5: just do it. And I was like, huh, that's cool,

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Speaker 5: and inside my mind I had the largest grin imaginable.

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Speaker 1: But there's an additional way to take our self talk

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Speaker 1: even further, a method that can supercharge our performance and

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Speaker 1: our resilience. It's a simple act of pretending that we're

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Speaker 1: a superhero that somebody say, Superhero, the Happiness Lab and

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Speaker 1: a special surprise super guest. We'll be back in a moment.

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Speaker 4: Oh, I am so embarrassed.

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Speaker 1: Wow is that super Grover?

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Speaker 5: Though?

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Speaker 1: I mean just wow. I'm a big fan. What are

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Speaker 1: you doing here?

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Speaker 3: I was called you said superhero, and now I am here?

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Speaker 3: What how can I help?

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Speaker 5: Oh?

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Speaker 1: Right, of course. Well, before the break, the psychologist Ethan

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Speaker 1: Cross was telling us about ways we can talk to

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Speaker 1: ourselves better. Oh of course, of course he was just

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Speaker 1: about to explain a new self talk strategy. And I

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Speaker 1: think that that self talk strategy might involve superheroes.

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Speaker 4: Well, and you are in luck because I super Grover.

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Speaker 1: I'm a superhero, right, but I think we need to

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Speaker 1: hear a bit more from Ethan before we dive in.

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Speaker 4: Dive in. I did not know we would be swimming today.

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Speaker 4: I will be right back with my super swim gear, swim.

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Speaker 3: Tronks, goggles of floaty flippers, you know, the essential.

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Speaker 1: Wait, super Grover, No, we're not swimming. Dive in is

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Speaker 1: just something you say, and he's out of here. Well

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Speaker 1: we wait for super Grover's return. Let's have Ethan Cross

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Speaker 1: unpack this idea of superhero self talk a bit more.

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Speaker 5: What do we know about superhero superheroes? They don't give up.

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Speaker 5: They persevere.

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Speaker 1: Suspected that talking to ourselves as though we were superheroes

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Speaker 1: might help us push through tough tasks with the determination

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Speaker 1: of a cape wearing hero. He tested this theory not

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Speaker 1: with adults, but with six year old children. He asked

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Speaker 1: kids to perform a task that was both frustrating and boring.

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Speaker 1: They had to press a button if they saw a

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Speaker 1: picture of cheese on a screen, but they had to

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Speaker 1: hold off pressing that button if they saw a cat.

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Speaker 1: Ethan explain to the kids that the task was very

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Speaker 1: important and it would be really helpful if they could

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Speaker 1: stick with it as long as they could. Some kids

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Speaker 1: were told to coach themselves through the dull task using

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Speaker 1: first person pronouns. These kids were told to use phrases

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Speaker 1: like am I working hard? How could I do better?

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Speaker 1: But the second group of kids was given a more

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Speaker 1: super set of instructions.

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Speaker 5: They were told, pretend you're a superhero and then use

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Speaker 5: your superhero name to coach yourself through the problem. Come on,

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Speaker 5: super Lori, you can do this.

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Speaker 1: The kids who adopted the persona of a superhero stuck

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Speaker 1: with the task nearly twice as long as the other children.

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Speaker 1: Simple act of using this new form of distant self

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Speaker 1: talk really did turn Ethan's subjects into performance superheroes. I

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Speaker 1: thought that would work. Let me try again into performance superheroes.

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Speaker 1: There he is right on cue.

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Speaker 3: I am back and I have got my swim gear.

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Speaker 3: This super swimming superhero is ready to know.

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Speaker 1: Nice trunk, super Grover.

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Speaker 4: Thank you.

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Speaker 1: But I was trying to tell you I don't need

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Speaker 1: any help with swimming.

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Speaker 4: Oh you do not.

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Speaker 1: But I do need your super self to help with

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Speaker 1: something else.

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Speaker 3: What are we waiting for? I, super Grover, I am

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Speaker 3: here to help.

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Speaker 1: I can always count on you.

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Speaker 4: You see.

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to practice some more effective self talk, and

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Speaker 1: that's where you come in. So what would you do

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Speaker 1: if you, like me, were feeling overwhelmed by today's podcast

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Speaker 1: and had lots to do?

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Speaker 4: That is a good question, doctor Lorie. What do you

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Speaker 4: I think I should do?

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Speaker 1: Well? I think you would be really confident. You would

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Speaker 1: say something like, super Grover, you can handle anything that

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Speaker 1: comes your way. Does that sound right? M?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, you keep going. What else?

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Speaker 1: You would probably talk yourself up, ideally using the second

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Speaker 1: or third person pronounces ah, yes, so saying something like

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Speaker 1: super Grover can do it, you know, something to remind

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Speaker 1: yourself that you're strong and capable.

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Speaker 4: Oh, yes, that is good.

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Speaker 3: I would do exactly that, And I am sure this

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Speaker 3: is what you were going to say. Next, I would

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Speaker 3: assemble a team of super chickens to help me with

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Speaker 3: any task I was confronted with.

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Speaker 4: Superchickens are quite excellent sidekicks.

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Speaker 5: You know.

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Speaker 1: Well, I wasn't necessarily going to say that, but that's

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Speaker 1: great advice, super chickens writing that down as you should.

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Speaker 1: But super Grover, what if you and your superchickens can't

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Speaker 1: do something? What happens if you make a mistake? Well

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Speaker 1: what am I talking about? Of course you never make mistakes.

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Speaker 1: You're super Grover. Superheroes don't make mistakes.

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Speaker 4: No, no, doctor Lord, that is not true.

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Speaker 3: Even I asper as superheroes come.

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Speaker 4: Make mistakes every now and then, and do not forget

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Speaker 4: you are super too, Doctor Lorie.

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Speaker 1: Thanks, but I don't feel so super today. You know,

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Speaker 1: maybe it's time to talk to an expert, me an expert.

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Speaker 4: Well, if you say so, let me say, what can

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Speaker 4: I talk about?

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Speaker 5: Uh?

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Speaker 4: Oh, I got that.

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Speaker 3: I have got that great story about top dancing sheep.

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Speaker 4: You are going to love this.

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Speaker 1: Oh, super grover. I should have been a bit clearer.

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Speaker 1: My next scientist friend is already here to do the

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Speaker 1: next part. But let's save that sheep story for next time,

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Speaker 1: because I'm really on the edge of my seat over here.

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Speaker 4: Oh sure, sure, I can tell it to you anytime.

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Speaker 1: Because now I kind of need some advice for how

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Speaker 1: to be nicer to myself with all these mistakes I

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Speaker 1: keep making.

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Speaker 6: Well, that's a great thing about being a self compassion teacher,

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Speaker 6: because all I have to be to be self compassionate

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Speaker 6: as a flawed human being who makes mistakes. I'm very

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Speaker 6: good at that.

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Speaker 1: This is u t Austin psychologist Kristin F. Kristin is

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Speaker 1: totally cool admitting that she messes up. In fact, she

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Speaker 1: thinks it's an important step in becoming kinder to ourselves.

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Speaker 6: We are imperfect human beings. We don't have all that

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Speaker 6: knowledge at hand, and there's so many factors that are

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Speaker 6: really outside of our direct control. It's hard to admit

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Speaker 6: that we would really like to believe that we could

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Speaker 6: be perfect if we were only to try hard enough.

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Speaker 6: So this is a natural human reaction. It's just not

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Speaker 6: a very effective one.

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Speaker 1: Kristen's an expert on the physical and psychological consequences of

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Speaker 1: beating ourselves up when we make mistakes.

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Speaker 6: If you look physiologically, self criticism raises cortisol levels. It

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Speaker 6: can lead to high blood pressure and eventually harmor physical

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Speaker 6: health as well.

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Speaker 1: Most of us know that self criticism doesn't feel nice,

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Speaker 1: but we still do it because we assume it's effective.

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Speaker 6: We feel that if we are compassionate toward ourselves, we're

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Speaker 6: just letting ourselves off the hook. We won't try to change,

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Speaker 6: We'll become lazy, you know, we'll never reach our goals

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Speaker 6: or improve. But of course the research shows that's the

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Speaker 6: exact opposite. What it does is it just makes you

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Speaker 6: more stressed, It makes you more anxious. It just makes

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Speaker 6: it harder for you to process and learn from your mistake.

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Speaker 1: But Kristen's research has found that there is another form

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Speaker 1: of self talk we can use to learn from our

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Speaker 1: mistakes and do better. It's what she and other scholars

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Speaker 1: call self compassion. Talking to ourselves with the same kindness

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Speaker 1: and care that we show a good friend. Sounds pretty good,

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Speaker 1: doesn't it, But how do we do it? The first

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Speaker 1: step is something we talk about a lot on the

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Speaker 1: Happiness Lab mindfulness.

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Speaker 6: We have to be aware of what we're feeling in

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Speaker 6: order to have a compassionate response, and that means being

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Speaker 6: aware of what's happening, especially being aware of your difficult

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Speaker 6: emotions or your feelings of pain or sadness or distress.

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Speaker 6: So we need to listen to ourselves and admit, hey,

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Speaker 6: I'm really having a hard time, this is painful, this hurts.

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Speaker 1: Becoming more mindful also requires doing something that can be

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Speaker 1: really hard, especially for busy parents. You need to pause

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Speaker 1: long enough to notice how you're actually feeling.

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Speaker 6: Usually we're just so caught up in what's happening moment

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Speaker 6: by moment, in the stress of our lives, we don't

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Speaker 6: take that pause necessary to say, how am I feeling?

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Speaker 6: What do I need right now? And it's the mindfulness

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Speaker 6: that really allows us to take that pause and ask

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Speaker 6: that question.

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Speaker 1: The second step of self compassion is also a little tough.

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Speaker 1: It involves recognizing that all the pain and hurt we're

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Speaker 1: experiencing is normal and something that everybody goes through. It's

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Speaker 1: what Kristen calls recognizing your common humanity.

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Speaker 6: So just remembering, hey, this is human, I'm a human being.

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Speaker 6: I'm a human being trying the best I can. This

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Speaker 6: is part of life, so I'm not alone.

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Speaker 1: But unfortunately, this we're all in it together. Mentality often

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Speaker 1: eludes us.

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Speaker 6: Our first instinct is to flee into a sense of isolation.

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Speaker 6: It's just me, there's something wrong with me. And this

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Speaker 6: is like kicking ourselves when we're down, because not only

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Speaker 6: are we hurting, we feel all alone. We feel isolated,

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Speaker 6: we feel disconnected from others.

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Speaker 1: Recognizing our common humanity can give us a reassuring sense

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Speaker 1: of belonging in tough times or when we make mistakes. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you might have messed up, but that's the human condition.

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Speaker 6: And this is what really differentiates self compassion from self pity.

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Speaker 6: Self pity is self focus, feeling sorry for oneself. Self

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Speaker 6: compassion is, hey, everyone's human being who struggles doing the

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Speaker 6: best I can in the moment. And this is actually

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Speaker 6: what It provides the buffer so that we aren't so

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Speaker 6: overwhelmed by trauma or difficulty.

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Speaker 1: The third and final step of self compassion is the

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Speaker 1: active part we need to engage in what's known as

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Speaker 1: self kindness.

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Speaker 6: Kindness is the desire to help in some way. It

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Speaker 6: involves warmth, it involves encouragement of friendliness toward ourself. And

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Speaker 6: this is really what is kind of the motivational engine

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Speaker 6: of self compassion, this desire to help ourselves be well

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Speaker 6: in the moment.

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Speaker 1: Kristen has found that there are many ways we can

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Speaker 1: show our selves kindness.

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Speaker 6: One really effective and easy way to express kindness to

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Speaker 6: sue physical touch. The body doesn't really differentiate between someone

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Speaker 6: else putting the hand on your shoulder or you putting

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Speaker 6: your hand on your own heart. You respond the same way.

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Speaker 1: So start by giving yourself some compassionate touch or a

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Speaker 1: quick self hug, and don't forget our letter of the

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Speaker 1: day s. We can use self talk as a form

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Speaker 1: of self kindness.

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Speaker 6: Either imagine what you would say to a friend you

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Speaker 6: cared about, or what a friend you cared about you

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Speaker 6: would say to you. Oh, I see this didn't go

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Speaker 6: so well. Well, I'm only human. How can I improve

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Speaker 6: it next time? How can I work to address this

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Speaker 6: in a kind, constructive way. Do you need to call

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Speaker 6: a friend? Do you need to take a break? It

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Speaker 6: really gives you the emotional resources you need to own

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Speaker 6: up to your mistakes and try to repair them.

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Speaker 1: It's okay if these self compassion steps don't yet feel intuitive.

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Speaker 1: Kristen's work has shown that it does take practice, but

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Speaker 1: the benefits are huge. Individuals who use more compassionate self

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Speaker 1: talk perform better, they eat healthier, and have stronger marriages.

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00:21:49,356 --> 00:21:51,956
Speaker 1: Kids who are more self compassionate are more resilient in

445
00:21:51,956 --> 00:21:54,516
Speaker 1: the face of bullying and study harder when they get

446
00:21:54,556 --> 00:21:57,676
Speaker 1: a bad grade. And self compassion helps people of all

447
00:21:57,716 --> 00:21:59,796
Speaker 1: ages better face up to their mistakes.

448
00:21:59,996 --> 00:22:03,196
Speaker 6: You're more able to say, hey, really messed up here,

449
00:22:03,316 --> 00:22:06,436
Speaker 6: but really importantly, they are more motivated to repair the

450
00:22:06,476 --> 00:22:07,156
Speaker 6: harm done.

451
00:22:07,476 --> 00:22:11,356
Speaker 1: And one final amazing benefit of self compassion it seems

452
00:22:11,396 --> 00:22:12,516
Speaker 1: to be contagious.

453
00:22:12,596 --> 00:22:15,836
Speaker 6: If you hear someone else being self compassionate out loud,

454
00:22:16,236 --> 00:22:18,636
Speaker 6: you are more than likely to have your internal dialogues

455
00:22:18,716 --> 00:22:19,716
Speaker 6: be self compassionate.

456
00:22:20,116 --> 00:22:22,996
Speaker 1: Not only will more compassionate self talk improve your life

457
00:22:23,036 --> 00:22:25,836
Speaker 1: and your relationships, it's also a great way to set

458
00:22:25,836 --> 00:22:29,276
Speaker 1: an example for your children. Seeing grown ups act kindly

459
00:22:29,316 --> 00:22:31,916
Speaker 1: towards themselves can help young people learn to be nice

460
00:22:31,956 --> 00:22:35,636
Speaker 1: to themselves too, and to do so much earlier in life.

461
00:22:35,876 --> 00:22:38,596
Speaker 6: Could you imagine, Laurie, if you had had self compassion

462
00:22:38,636 --> 00:22:41,276
Speaker 6: skills when you were in middle school, what a difference

463
00:22:41,316 --> 00:22:43,356
Speaker 6: it would have made, you know, And so if we

464
00:22:43,396 --> 00:22:46,276
Speaker 6: can give our kids that gift, it's just it helps

465
00:22:46,316 --> 00:22:47,236
Speaker 6: so tremendously.

466
00:22:47,836 --> 00:22:50,236
Speaker 1: After the break, we'll get concrete about what we can

467
00:22:50,276 --> 00:22:53,676
Speaker 1: do to build these self compassion skills, both for ourselves

468
00:22:53,716 --> 00:22:56,116
Speaker 1: as adults and for the young people in our lives.

469
00:22:56,756 --> 00:23:00,516
Speaker 1: We'll learn specific strategies for putting mindfulness, common humanity, and

470
00:23:00,556 --> 00:23:03,996
Speaker 1: self kindness into practice, and if we're lucky, we may

471
00:23:04,036 --> 00:23:06,196
Speaker 1: be able to do that with help from a special

472
00:23:06,356 --> 00:23:07,676
Speaker 1: super Monster volunteer.

473
00:23:07,836 --> 00:23:12,076
Speaker 3: Ooh, what specials? Super Monster volunteer sounds exciting.

474
00:23:12,636 --> 00:23:13,876
Speaker 4: I cannot wait to hear that.

475
00:23:14,236 --> 00:23:17,436
Speaker 1: Super Grover. I'm talking about you. You're the super Monster Volunteer.

476
00:23:17,596 --> 00:23:20,556
Speaker 4: Oh well, of course I am.

477
00:23:21,716 --> 00:23:26,516
Speaker 1: That is right, The Happiness Lab and me, Super Grover.

478
00:23:26,836 --> 00:23:34,796
Speaker 1: We'll be back after the break. We're back with the

479
00:23:34,796 --> 00:23:37,836
Speaker 1: Happiness Grover podcast and I'm here with Super Lab. Wait

480
00:23:37,836 --> 00:23:38,676
Speaker 1: a minute, I think you.

481
00:23:38,716 --> 00:23:42,876
Speaker 4: Might just say Happiness Lab podcast and Super Grovery.

482
00:23:43,036 --> 00:23:45,916
Speaker 1: Yeah I did. How frustrating. I'm still all over the

483
00:23:45,916 --> 00:23:48,596
Speaker 1: place today. And what's worse is I've got a superhero

484
00:23:48,636 --> 00:23:51,036
Speaker 1: as a guest on my podcast. I should really be

485
00:23:51,116 --> 00:23:51,996
Speaker 1: bringing my a game.

486
00:23:52,076 --> 00:23:54,876
Speaker 4: Ooh, that sounds fun and a game. How do you

487
00:23:54,916 --> 00:23:55,836
Speaker 4: play no, No.

488
00:23:55,636 --> 00:23:58,156
Speaker 1: No my? A game that means when you're doing your best,

489
00:23:58,236 --> 00:24:00,196
Speaker 1: which is not what I am doing right now. But

490
00:24:00,276 --> 00:24:02,316
Speaker 1: I wonder if I could do better if I had

491
00:24:02,316 --> 00:24:05,076
Speaker 1: a little self talk help, super Grover, do you think

492
00:24:05,076 --> 00:24:06,996
Speaker 1: you could help me be a little kinder to myself?

493
00:24:07,116 --> 00:24:10,756
Speaker 4: Of course, doctor Laurie, kind is a superpower, you know.

494
00:24:10,996 --> 00:24:13,316
Speaker 1: Yes, that's just what my friend Kristin Nef was explaining

495
00:24:13,356 --> 00:24:15,716
Speaker 1: to me. She says, it takes practice, but we can

496
00:24:15,796 --> 00:24:17,476
Speaker 1: be kinder to ourselves.

497
00:24:17,316 --> 00:24:20,116
Speaker 4: Like we are kind to others exactly, and kind to

498
00:24:20,236 --> 00:24:22,196
Speaker 4: cute little furry animals, yeah.

499
00:24:21,996 --> 00:24:25,236
Speaker 3: And kind to plants and to pretty little flowers, and

500
00:24:25,276 --> 00:24:29,676
Speaker 3: to bugs like worms and beetles, and to our neighbors.

501
00:24:29,556 --> 00:24:32,836
Speaker 4: Like Cookie Monster and Rosita and Alan.

502
00:24:32,796 --> 00:24:36,516
Speaker 3: And creating Superbriel and Zoey, and to.

503
00:24:36,636 --> 00:24:39,316
Speaker 1: Me absolutely And now I was hoping that you could

504
00:24:39,316 --> 00:24:41,716
Speaker 1: help me try out some of the self compassionate self

505
00:24:41,716 --> 00:24:44,756
Speaker 1: talk strategies that Kristin had shared earlier. What do you say?

506
00:24:44,916 --> 00:24:51,396
Speaker 3: I say hello me to demonstrate am talking to yourself

507
00:24:51,556 --> 00:24:52,356
Speaker 3: with compassion?

508
00:24:52,756 --> 00:24:56,076
Speaker 4: One oh one first step mindfulness.

509
00:24:56,116 --> 00:24:58,516
Speaker 1: That's when we slow down and pay attention to our bodies,

510
00:24:58,636 --> 00:24:59,956
Speaker 1: feelings and what's around us.

511
00:25:00,076 --> 00:25:03,236
Speaker 3: Yes, so let us pretend I am having a hard

512
00:25:03,316 --> 00:25:07,156
Speaker 3: time rescuing a kitty from a tree. I would say

513
00:25:07,156 --> 00:25:11,756
Speaker 3: something like, I am feeling frustrated this cute and adorable

514
00:25:11,836 --> 00:25:13,756
Speaker 3: kitty will not come down from this tree.

515
00:25:13,836 --> 00:25:14,836
Speaker 1: Well done, super Grover.

516
00:25:15,356 --> 00:25:19,876
Speaker 4: Thank you. Now on to step number two, common humanity.

517
00:25:20,356 --> 00:25:22,516
Speaker 1: This is when we tell ourselves that we all feel

518
00:25:22,516 --> 00:25:23,956
Speaker 1: this way sometimes.

519
00:25:23,476 --> 00:25:28,116
Speaker 4: So I would say, super Grover, it is okay. Even

520
00:25:28,236 --> 00:25:31,836
Speaker 4: superheroes struggle with getting kitties down from trees sometimes.

521
00:25:31,876 --> 00:25:32,956
Speaker 1: Way to go, super Grover.

522
00:25:33,276 --> 00:25:34,516
Speaker 4: But wait, there is more.

523
00:25:34,996 --> 00:25:38,276
Speaker 3: Step number three self kindness.

524
00:25:38,396 --> 00:25:40,316
Speaker 1: That is when we are kind to ourselves.

525
00:25:40,436 --> 00:25:43,876
Speaker 3: For example, after trying to get that kitty cut out

526
00:25:43,956 --> 00:25:47,476
Speaker 3: of the tree, I realized it was actually just a

527
00:25:47,516 --> 00:25:50,476
Speaker 3: squirrel who did not want to leave the tree because

528
00:25:50,596 --> 00:25:51,796
Speaker 3: that is where he keeps all of us.

529
00:25:51,756 --> 00:25:55,836
Speaker 4: Nuts selling me. But it is okay that I made

530
00:25:55,836 --> 00:25:56,396
Speaker 4: a mistake.

531
00:25:56,876 --> 00:26:00,036
Speaker 1: I am still super super Grover. That was awesome. You

532
00:26:00,116 --> 00:26:02,396
Speaker 1: make self compassion look so easy. Ah.

533
00:26:02,516 --> 00:26:06,556
Speaker 4: Yes, wow, that is what superheroes do. And now it

534
00:26:06,636 --> 00:26:08,596
Speaker 4: is your turn to give it to try. Doctor Lorie.

535
00:26:08,636 --> 00:26:12,116
Speaker 1: Well, ok here it goes. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed today,

536
00:26:12,236 --> 00:26:15,036
Speaker 1: but that's Okay, I'm an experienced podcast host and a

537
00:26:15,076 --> 00:26:18,396
Speaker 1: happiness expert, so I can get through this. How did

538
00:26:18,396 --> 00:26:18,636
Speaker 1: I do?

539
00:26:18,836 --> 00:26:18,996
Speaker 4: That?

540
00:26:19,316 --> 00:26:25,596
Speaker 3: Was wonderful, spectacular, amazing, And dare I say super thank you?

541
00:26:25,596 --> 00:26:28,036
Speaker 1: You know, I think I'm finally getting it. There's just

542
00:26:28,076 --> 00:26:29,676
Speaker 1: gonna be days when you need to be your own

543
00:26:29,676 --> 00:26:32,316
Speaker 1: coach and to talk yourself up instead of down. And

544
00:26:32,356 --> 00:26:34,276
Speaker 1: when we do that, well, we can model it for

545
00:26:34,316 --> 00:26:36,196
Speaker 1: our kids. It can help the young people in our

546
00:26:36,236 --> 00:26:38,396
Speaker 1: lives to be their own coaches if we teach and

547
00:26:38,476 --> 00:26:43,236
Speaker 1: model healthier forms of self talk. Right, super Grover, Yes, absolutely,

548
00:26:43,396 --> 00:26:45,396
Speaker 1: you know. I'm really glad you crash landed into the

549
00:26:45,396 --> 00:26:48,236
Speaker 1: studio today. You, like the other guests, have done such

550
00:26:48,236 --> 00:26:50,596
Speaker 1: a great job as showing me the power of positive

551
00:26:50,596 --> 00:26:51,116
Speaker 1: self talk.

552
00:26:51,716 --> 00:26:52,756
Speaker 6: I have you have?

553
00:26:52,996 --> 00:26:53,836
Speaker 4: Of course I have.

554
00:26:54,156 --> 00:26:57,716
Speaker 3: Yes, I am an expert and kind and compassionate self talk.

555
00:26:57,756 --> 00:26:59,556
Speaker 1: You know that you are a real expert in.

556
00:26:59,956 --> 00:27:03,116
Speaker 3: And because I am such an expert, I have a

557
00:27:03,236 --> 00:27:05,276
Speaker 3: little something for you to read.

558
00:27:05,756 --> 00:27:06,236
Speaker 1: What's this?

559
00:27:06,916 --> 00:27:09,636
Speaker 4: I've taken the liberty of writing your outro you and

560
00:27:09,716 --> 00:27:12,276
Speaker 4: all of your podcasts listening friends. Go on, give it

561
00:27:12,316 --> 00:27:13,036
Speaker 4: to Louie.

562
00:27:13,116 --> 00:27:16,116
Speaker 1: Okay, I'll give it a go. Thank you for tuning

563
00:27:16,156 --> 00:27:19,476
Speaker 1: in to the podcast. You have been wonderful listeners, and I,

564
00:27:19,676 --> 00:27:23,476
Speaker 1: Doctor Laurie, have been a wonderful podcast host until next time.

565
00:27:23,556 --> 00:27:26,316
Speaker 1: This is your smart, friendly, kind and happy host, Doctor

566
00:27:26,396 --> 00:27:29,276
Speaker 1: Laurie Santos. Uh, super grover. How do I say this

567
00:27:29,316 --> 00:27:31,476
Speaker 1: next part? There are a lot of extra letters in there?

568
00:27:31,756 --> 00:27:35,436
Speaker 4: Yes, like this good bye body.

569
00:27:38,556 --> 00:27:41,196
Speaker 1: Saesame Street is the street where everyone is always welcome.

570
00:27:41,276 --> 00:27:43,076
Speaker 1: And I hope my new friends have felt just as

571
00:27:43,116 --> 00:27:44,836
Speaker 1: at home here at the Happiness Lab.

572
00:27:45,396 --> 00:27:49,076
Speaker 2: We did, doctor Loriie, Yeah, we had a lot of fun.

573
00:27:49,476 --> 00:27:50,516
Speaker 1: Oh that makes me.

574
00:27:50,516 --> 00:27:53,476
Speaker 4: Feel morm and fuzzy delight. It filled with joy.

575
00:27:53,356 --> 00:27:56,596
Speaker 1: Yes Grober and if I could add one more happiness ah,

576
00:27:56,756 --> 00:27:59,716
Speaker 1: Doctor Lourie, thanks for listening to the Happiness Lab podcast.

577
00:27:59,956 --> 00:28:03,916
Speaker 2: Bye bye bye bye bye bye play podcast.

578
00:28:03,996 --> 00:28:05,556
Speaker 4: People see you next time.

579
00:28:09,596 --> 00:28:12,196
Speaker 1: The Happiness Lab is co written and produced by Ryan Dilly.

580
00:28:12,556 --> 00:28:16,356
Speaker 1: Our original music was composed by Zachary Silver, with additional scoring,

581
00:28:16,476 --> 00:28:20,036
Speaker 1: mixing and mastering by Evan Viola. Jess Shane and Alice

582
00:28:20,076 --> 00:28:22,956
Speaker 1: Fines offered additional production support. We'd like to thank the

583
00:28:22,996 --> 00:28:27,996
Speaker 1: amazing Sesame Street puppeteers Leslie Carrera, Rudolph, Ryan Dilon, Eric

584
00:28:28,076 --> 00:28:30,876
Speaker 1: Jacobson and Matt Vogel, and special thank yous to the

585
00:28:30,876 --> 00:28:35,636
Speaker 1: folks over at Sesame Workshop, Emily Bandy, Alissa Chihi, Gabriela Dejannaro,

586
00:28:35,796 --> 00:28:40,796
Speaker 1: Jessica Salvo, Mindy, Fila Rossio, Galarsa, Akeimi Gibson, Ivan Gonzalez,

587
00:28:41,116 --> 00:28:45,556
Speaker 1: Karen Leibovich, Rosemary Trulio, Ka Wilson, Stallings and Steve Youngwood.

588
00:28:45,756 --> 00:28:48,116
Speaker 1: Special thanks to my agent, Ben Davis and all of

589
00:28:48,116 --> 00:28:50,516
Speaker 1: the Pushkin crew. The Happiness Lab is brought to you

590
00:28:50,556 --> 00:28:54,516
Speaker 1: by Pushkin Industries. Any Doctor Laurie Santos