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Speaker 1: M h. Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast,

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Speaker 1: a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all

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Speaker 1: the small decisions we can make to become the best

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Speaker 1: possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard

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Speaker 1: and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more

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Speaker 1: information or to find a therapist in your area, visit

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Speaker 1: our website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While

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Speaker 1: I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast,

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Speaker 1: it is not meant to be a substitute for a

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Speaker 1: relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Yeahall, thanks so

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Speaker 1: much for joining me for session one oh seven of

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Speaker 1: the Therapy for Black Girls podcasts. In today's episode, I

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Speaker 1: wanted to spend some time talking more about what actually

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Speaker 1: happens in therapy and answering some of the questions that

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Speaker 1: you submitted about the therapeutic process. So we'll dig into

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Speaker 1: that in just a moment, but first let's show some

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Speaker 1: back to our episode. So, as I mentioned, I wanted

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Speaker 1: to use our time today to chat more about the

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Speaker 1: therapy process and to answer some questions y'all submitted about therapy.

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Speaker 1: So let's go ahead and dig in. So the first

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Speaker 1: question was what if I don't feel like I'm getting

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Speaker 1: better with therapy? And I think it's really important to

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Speaker 1: note that therapy is a process, so like any other process,

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Speaker 1: it will definitely take some time. And I also think

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Speaker 1: it's really important to figure out what does getting better

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Speaker 1: look like for you. So as therapists, we often ask

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Speaker 1: what we call the magic question, and that question is

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Speaker 1: if you were to wake up tomorrow and be better,

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Speaker 1: how would you know? What would be different in your

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Speaker 1: answer to this question in some ways helps to frame

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Speaker 1: the work that needs to be done in sessions. So

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Speaker 1: if you've been contemplating therapy for a while and you've

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Speaker 1: been holding in a lot, you may actually receive some

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Speaker 1: immediate relief within the first few sessions of therapy simply

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Speaker 1: from sharing your story with someone else. But it's also

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Speaker 1: possible that sharing your story with someone else, especially if

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Speaker 1: it's really painful, may result in you experiencing some distress

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Speaker 1: as well. This is likely something that your therapist will

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Speaker 1: talk with you about, and they'll also likely help you

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Speaker 1: to practice what we call grounding techniques that help you

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Speaker 1: to manage your feelings so that you can better manage

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Speaker 1: talking about difficult topics. I also think it's important to

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Speaker 1: talk with your therapist if they're not checking in with

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Speaker 1: you already about the progress that you feel like you

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Speaker 1: are or are not making in therapy. You also have

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Speaker 1: to remember that you're likely only spending one hour out

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Speaker 1: of your whole weekend therapy, so you're making progress will

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Speaker 1: depend in large part on what you're doing outside of

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Speaker 1: the office as well. Are you completing any assigned homework

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Speaker 1: that they give you. Are you reading books or watching

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Speaker 1: videos related to your concerns. Are you thinking about what's

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Speaker 1: been said in therapy and then applying it. The work

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Speaker 1: definitely doesn't stop at the end of your session, so

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Speaker 1: you definitely want to make sure that you're doing these

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Speaker 1: things outside of the office to ensure that you are

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Speaker 1: making progress as well. The second question that has come

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Speaker 1: up for a lot of you is is it okay

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Speaker 1: to disagree with my therapists? And my answer to this

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Speaker 1: is absolutely so. We as therapists are human, We definitely

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Speaker 1: don't always have the answers, and we may be experts

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Speaker 1: in our areas, but you are the expert on you

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Speaker 1: and your life. So the combination of the two is

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Speaker 1: what actually can make therapy a really positive and healing experience.

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Speaker 1: As a matter of fact, if you are someone who

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Speaker 1: struggles with assertiveness or minimizing your needs to make others comfortable,

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Speaker 1: telling your therapist that you disagree with something they've it

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Speaker 1: can be a great step in you're practicing a new

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Speaker 1: behavior in a safe environment. So I definitely would encourage

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Speaker 1: you to try that. No, I'm not saying to uh

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Speaker 1: to create some kind of false disagreement just so that

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Speaker 1: you have a reason to disagree with your therapist. But

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Speaker 1: I'm saying if something comes up and you don't agree

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Speaker 1: with what they said, or they make a hypothesis about

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Speaker 1: something and you don't quite feel like it fits, it's

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Speaker 1: okay to go ahead and gently challenge them and say,

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Speaker 1: actually that doesn't fit for me, go ahead and try

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Speaker 1: out something new. The third question that you guys asked

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Speaker 1: me about was should I tell my therapist everything? So

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Speaker 1: I think there's a difference between sharing any and every

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Speaker 1: detail you can think of with your therapist and actively

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Speaker 1: not sharing something that you know you really need to

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Speaker 1: work on. So if you listen to the booster session

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Speaker 1: that did about lying to your therapists, and that one

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Speaker 1: was after the Insecure episode when it was clear that

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Speaker 1: Molly's therapist had no idea who Drew was, you'll hear

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Speaker 1: me talk more about that. But I've seen a lot

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Speaker 1: of you put unnecessary amounts of pressure on yourself to

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Speaker 1: figure out what to talk about in therapy, and I

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Speaker 1: want you to relax some of their pressure for yourselves.

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Speaker 1: It's very likely that your therapist will ask you questions

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Speaker 1: to encourage you to share things that you'd like to discuss.

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Speaker 1: But if you know that a large part of what

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Speaker 1: you're struggling with is a decision on whether you're going

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Speaker 1: to break up with your partner, you're doing yourself a

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Speaker 1: huge your service if all you choose to talk about

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Speaker 1: is work stress. Now, I do think it's important to

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Speaker 1: pay attention to what you're not sharing and why that

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Speaker 1: might be the case. Maybe you don't yet feel comfortable

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Speaker 1: with your therapists, or maybe you don't feel ready to

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Speaker 1: talk about it because you know that means you'll finally

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Speaker 1: have to face it. And it's okay to honor these things.

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Speaker 1: But I think it would also be a great idea

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Speaker 1: to talk with your therapists about the fact that you're

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Speaker 1: sitting on these issues and have a discussion about what's

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Speaker 1: making it difficult to share. So one of the things

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Speaker 1: that I love most about therapy is that you can

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Speaker 1: think you're going in to talk about one thing, but

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Speaker 1: then your therapist connects such as something else, and then

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Speaker 1: this whole new, amazing space of death opens up for

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Speaker 1: y'all the process. So if we take the example that

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Speaker 1: we were just talking about, let's say you tell your

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Speaker 1: therapist that there's something you really like to discuss but

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Speaker 1: you don't feel comfortable yet, then that may lead to

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Speaker 1: a whole discussion about where else in your life you're

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Speaker 1: holding back, what's keeping you there, and how do you

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Speaker 1: break through to get your needs meant, do you see

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Speaker 1: how now we're not talking about whether you're going to

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Speaker 1: break up with your partner or not, but we are

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Speaker 1: discussing something that's very likely impacting you in a very

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Speaker 1: real way and maybe even in your relationship with your partner.

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Speaker 1: The fourth question that I got was how is talking

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Speaker 1: to a therapist different than talking to my friends? And

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Speaker 1: this is a good one. This one has come up

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Speaker 1: a lot for you, so I'm glad that you guys

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Speaker 1: wanted to chat more about this. So in many ways,

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Speaker 1: if you have a great relationship with your therapist, it

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Speaker 1: may feel a lot like talking to a trusted friend.

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Speaker 1: But there are some distinct differences in the relationship with

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Speaker 1: your therapists versus the relationship with your friends. So one,

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Speaker 1: you don't have to worry about your therapist telling anybody

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Speaker 1: else what you've discussed in the office. So you know

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Speaker 1: how sometimes with your friends, you will tell one of

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Speaker 1: them something and then they will tell the other best

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Speaker 1: friend and make the other best friends who are not

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Speaker 1: to tell. That doesn't happen with your therapists. The confidential

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Speaker 1: nature of the relationship is a large part of why

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Speaker 1: therapy can be a safe space to talk about very

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Speaker 1: private things. A second way in which your relationship with

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Speaker 1: your therapist is different from the one with your friends

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Speaker 1: is that your therapist is an objective point. Your therapist

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Speaker 1: doesn't have the history and background information friends do, and

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Speaker 1: they have no other purpose in your life except to

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Speaker 1: help you feel better or to help you work through

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Speaker 1: whatever brought you in, So you don't have to worry

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Speaker 1: that the feedback they're giving you is biased because of

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Speaker 1: that nasty argument you'll had in the past, and you

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Speaker 1: don't have to hide that you went to see your

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Speaker 1: ex again, even and after y'all broke up for the

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Speaker 1: third time. All of those competing interest in worries about

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Speaker 1: judgment are not at play with your therapists, which is

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Speaker 1: why as therapists we avoid as much as possible having

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Speaker 1: dual relationships with clients, because if I'm your professor but

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Speaker 1: I'm also your therapists, now the lines have been blurred

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Speaker 1: and you may not feel as comfortable sharing everything that

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Speaker 1: you need to share in therapy, which of course undermines

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Speaker 1: the entire process. And a final reason why talking to

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Speaker 1: your therapists is different than talking to your friend is

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Speaker 1: that your friends are probably not trained to really help

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Speaker 1: you make any progress with your concerns, so you know

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Speaker 1: how You'll tell a friend something that you're really upset about,

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Speaker 1: and then you realize that now y'all are talking about

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Speaker 1: something she's really upset about. So sometimes, in the natural

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Speaker 1: course of conversation, your concerns are taken out of the

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Speaker 1: spotlight to make space for something else. But in therapy,

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Speaker 1: your concerns or the entire reason why we're there, and

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Speaker 1: your friend made a really good job of supporting you,

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Speaker 1: or they may do a really good job of challenging you.

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Speaker 1: But striking the right balance of challenging you and supporting

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Speaker 1: you is something that we are uniquely trained to do,

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Speaker 1: and it's important to the therapy process. So while your

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Speaker 1: friends are great, they're not your therapists, even if they

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Speaker 1: actually are a therapists, and it's best to go ahead

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Speaker 1: and keep them in their friend role and let your

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Speaker 1: therapists actually do their jobs. Question number five, is am

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Speaker 1: I doing this right? Am I sharing topics that are

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Speaker 1: really worthwhile to the therapist? So there aren't really any

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Speaker 1: topics that are off limits with your therapists, and there's

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Speaker 1: really no one way to use therapy. You may be

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Speaker 1: sharing something that seems like a small thing, but it

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Speaker 1: can actually be really important in the grand scheme of things,

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Speaker 1: and if it's something that you feel led to share,

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Speaker 1: there's probably a reason why you're feeling led to share it,

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Speaker 1: So go ahead and share it. And if by chance,

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Speaker 1: your therapist thinks you're staying to surface with your conversations,

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Speaker 1: you can trust that they will either do a little

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Speaker 1: digging or they will challenge you to see if it's

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Speaker 1: something you're aware of and if this is something that

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Speaker 1: you do in other areas of your life. And I

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Speaker 1: also want you to go ahead and relax the pressure

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Speaker 1: on yourselves to be quote unquote good clients. You just

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Speaker 1: showing up for your sessions and staying engaged with the

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Speaker 1: process is good enough. And y'all already know where I'm

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Speaker 1: going with this. If you're worried about doing therapy correctly,

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Speaker 1: I suggest you chat with your therapist about that too,

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Speaker 1: because that's likely showing up somewhere else in your life

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Speaker 1: as well. You see that there's this whole connection of

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Speaker 1: anything that shows up in therapy is likely showing up

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Speaker 1: in somewhere else in your life as well, which is

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Speaker 1: why therapy can be so important. And then question number six.

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Speaker 1: This was the sixth and final question that you guys

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Speaker 1: admitted to me, how will I know when I'm done?

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Speaker 1: And this again will be different for everyone, but some

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Speaker 1: signs that you may have gotten what you needed from

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Speaker 1: therapy and you're ready to terminate is if you're spacing

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Speaker 1: out your sessions further and further, if you feel like

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Speaker 1: you've seen a significant reduction and the symptoms that brought

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Speaker 1: you in, or simply if you feel like you're done.

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Speaker 1: It's important to note that some people work with their

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Speaker 1: therapists for years because they enjoy having that time and

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Speaker 1: space for themselves, and they use it more like maintenance,

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Speaker 1: and there's nothing wrong with that. But if you prefers

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Speaker 1: our term work, and that's also how your therapist works,

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Speaker 1: it's likely you'll start having conversations about termination when it's

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Speaker 1: become clear that the goals you set when starting therapy

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Speaker 1: have been achieved. And it probably won't be Okay, I

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Speaker 1: think you're done, today's our last session. That's probably not

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Speaker 1: how your therapist is going to approach it. They'll probably

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Speaker 1: start the process by sharing that they think you've done

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Speaker 1: some great work and that you may be ready to terminate,

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Speaker 1: and will ask you your thoughts about that, and then you, guys,

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Speaker 1: will make a decision together about what termination will look like.

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Speaker 1: But you all so don't have to wait for your

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Speaker 1: therapist to be the ones to initiate that conversation or

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Speaker 1: to start that process. It's totally okay for you to

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Speaker 1: say if you feel like you have done what you've

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Speaker 1: come there to do, that you're feeling like you're ready

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Speaker 1: to terminate. The other thing that's important to pay attention to.

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Speaker 1: The other thing that's important to note is that just

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Speaker 1: because you stopped coming to therapy at this point doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean that you can't go and see your therapist again

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Speaker 1: in a few months or years if you feel like

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Speaker 1: you need to do that in the future. So terminating

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Speaker 1: now does not mean that you have to terminate forever

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Speaker 1: if there's a need or want for you to go

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Speaker 1: in the future. So I hope this information has been

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Speaker 1: helpful for you. If you're contemplating therapy, or if you're

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Speaker 1: in the midst of the process right now, If you

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Speaker 1: have things that you would add to these answers, or

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Speaker 1: if you have other questions about the therapeutic process, go

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Speaker 1: ahead and share them with us on social media using

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Speaker 1: the hashtag tb G in session. And don't forget to

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Speaker 1: share this episode with two people in your circle who

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Speaker 1: you think would really enjoy it. Be sure to show

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Speaker 1: some support for our responses for this episode. Color Noir

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Speaker 1: open up your i OS app store, search for Color

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Speaker 1: Noir and enjoy and make sure you hit the subscribe

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Speaker 1: the amazing images, updates and premium content dropping each and

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Speaker 1: Remember that if you're searching for a therapist in your area,

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Speaker 1: you can visit our therapist directory at Therapy for Black

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Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash directory. And if you want to

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Speaker 1: continue this conversation with other sisters who listen to the podcast,

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Speaker 1: come on over and join us in the Thrive Tribe,

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Speaker 1: which is the Facebook group for our podcast. You can

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Speaker 1: request to join at Therapy for Black Girls dot com

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Speaker 1: slash Tribe and be sure to answer the three questions

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Speaker 1: that are asked to gain injury. Don't forget to visit

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Speaker 1: our online store at Therapy for Black Girls dot com

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Speaker 1: slash shop, where you can find our guided affirmation track,

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Speaker 1: break up journal, and your favorite Therapy for Black Girls

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Speaker 1: t shirts and mugs. Thank you all so much for

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Speaker 1: joining me again this week. I look forward to continuing

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Speaker 1: this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care,