WEBVTT - International Women’s Day with Monica Lewinsky 0:00:00.840 --> 0:00:04.480 Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea, Greetings from Whistler, Canada. 0:00:04.960 --> 0:00:06.120 You guys got dumped on? 0:00:06.600 --> 0:00:10.520 Oh gosh, I cannot ski in deep powder. I got 0:00:10.560 --> 0:00:13.200 buried like three times the other day. The powder is 0:00:13.240 --> 0:00:15.640 so deep that I can't even navigate it. I don't 0:00:15.640 --> 0:00:17.360 know which way to go, and then you fall down 0:00:17.480 --> 0:00:19.319 and it takes forever to get your skis out because 0:00:19.320 --> 0:00:21.680 they're under like six four I was under like four 0:00:21.720 --> 0:00:24.760 feet of snow and I was hanging upside down. At 0:00:24.760 --> 0:00:28.240 one point, I skied through a tree, double ejected, went 0:00:28.280 --> 0:00:30.480 through the woods. Finally, after the third tree I hit, 0:00:30.520 --> 0:00:31.840 I was like, I think it's time to get out 0:00:31.840 --> 0:00:32.240 of the woods. 0:00:32.320 --> 0:00:33.320 Yeah, it's just. 0:00:33.240 --> 0:00:35.640 A hot mess up here. And now I have children 0:00:35.680 --> 0:00:36.120 at my house. 0:00:36.200 --> 0:00:39.440 My cousins are here, Molly and Carrie, and they arrived 0:00:39.440 --> 0:00:41.320 with their three year old and four year old girls, 0:00:41.360 --> 0:00:43.800 so that's cute. I don't have children at my house 0:00:43.880 --> 0:00:44.640 very often. 0:00:44.400 --> 0:00:45.600 You know that, little kids. 0:00:45.960 --> 0:00:49.000 And then I had my other children here, Katie, my 0:00:49.080 --> 0:00:52.320 little daughters, my twin buddhas Katie and Jesse. And I 0:00:52.360 --> 0:00:54.319 was trying to make Katie some food on Saturday night, 0:00:54.320 --> 0:00:56.800 so I made a bunch of hamburger meat and she's like, 0:00:56.920 --> 0:00:57.560 she calls me dad. 0:00:57.600 --> 0:00:58.680 She goes, Dad, that's disgusting. 0:00:58.760 --> 0:01:01.040 I'm not eating anything you cook, like you're not a 0:01:01.040 --> 0:01:02.680 good cook, and we all know that we can't eat. 0:01:02.720 --> 0:01:04.360 I'm like, all right, all right, I'm fine. I'm like 0:01:04.400 --> 0:01:06.280 it's good. I put seasoning, I put onions. I'm like 0:01:06.360 --> 0:01:08.960 it's good, it's good. And I took a bite. I'm like, oh, 0:01:09.000 --> 0:01:12.000 this is terrible. You know, I destroy everything I cook. 0:01:12.560 --> 0:01:15.240 So the next morning I gave it to Doug because I, 0:01:15.600 --> 0:01:17.880 you know, I figured dogs like hamburger meat. Doug has 0:01:17.880 --> 0:01:20.119 had an explosive diarrhea now for forty eight hours. 0:01:20.120 --> 0:01:22.400 Oh no, he exploded all over. 0:01:22.240 --> 0:01:24.959 My carpet, and Molly, my cousin, is trying to clean 0:01:25.000 --> 0:01:26.880 it up because she knows. I don't know how to clean. 0:01:26.720 --> 0:01:28.680 Up feces PSA. 0:01:28.760 --> 0:01:31.240 Dogs are not supposed to have onions, so maybe that 0:01:31.400 --> 0:01:31.800 is why. 0:01:32.319 --> 0:01:34.600 Oh cool, what about hamburger meat? 0:01:34.640 --> 0:01:36.480 Though hamburger meat should be fine? 0:01:36.680 --> 0:01:38.840 Yeah, I was like, what is it? Maybe too fatty 0:01:38.880 --> 0:01:40.320 for him, that's why he got the diarrhea. 0:01:40.360 --> 0:01:40.679 I don't know. 0:01:40.720 --> 0:01:43.559 It's a hot shit show in this house, though, you should. 0:01:43.600 --> 0:01:48.000 Literally this morning, the dog walker friends coming going diarrhea. 0:01:48.440 --> 0:01:50.400 My friend stepped in the diarrhea. 0:01:51.160 --> 0:01:52.160 How many of errors? 0:01:52.520 --> 0:01:54.960 I added a new show in Prior Lake, Minnesota, and 0:01:54.960 --> 0:01:57.600 then I added a new show in Santa Rosa, California. 0:01:58.360 --> 0:02:00.680 Second shows for that, so you can go to Chelseahandler 0:02:00.720 --> 0:02:02.840 dot com. I'm kind of a Salt Lake city too, 0:02:03.160 --> 0:02:06.560 which is exciting in April and Denver, Colorado. So go 0:02:06.600 --> 0:02:08.600 to Chelsea Handler dot com for all my tickets and 0:02:08.600 --> 0:02:10.799 we're going to be adding more and more dates. 0:02:11.080 --> 0:02:14.359 Excellent, just always adding more dates. That's always happening. That's 0:02:14.360 --> 0:02:14.840 a great thing. 0:02:14.919 --> 0:02:18.040 This weekend I have Coloonna and Victoria both are sold out, 0:02:18.080 --> 0:02:22.400 but Victoria on Vancouver Island and then Colowna and then 0:02:22.400 --> 0:02:24.200 I'm going to go to the Oscar parties on Sunday. 0:02:24.240 --> 0:02:26.040 I think I can just get dressed up for the 0:02:26.120 --> 0:02:27.320 day and then you. 0:02:27.280 --> 0:02:31.359 Know, Nike more. That'll be fun. Chelsea. It's International Women's 0:02:31.400 --> 0:02:32.079 Day this week? 0:02:32.720 --> 0:02:33.359 Is it? Oh? 0:02:33.400 --> 0:02:34.480 My goodness? 0:02:34.960 --> 0:02:42.240 Happy International Women's Day. We love women, women, women, women, women, Chelsea. 0:02:42.360 --> 0:02:44.880 Since it's International Women's Day, I wanted to ask you, 0:02:45.560 --> 0:02:48.040 as women, what are some ways that you feel we 0:02:48.040 --> 0:02:49.320 can regain our power? 0:02:51.000 --> 0:02:53.840 I think it's very important for you to be honest 0:02:53.919 --> 0:02:58.280 with yourself and never to sublimate your feelings for the 0:02:58.280 --> 0:02:59.200 benefit of others. 0:03:00.080 --> 0:03:00.440 Mm hmm. 0:03:00.800 --> 0:03:01.880 I think you have to. 0:03:01.960 --> 0:03:05.280 Really, there's such an overcorrection that needs to be made 0:03:05.320 --> 0:03:08.200 in order for us to balance out, because we have 0:03:08.320 --> 0:03:10.840 been fed this whole song and dance, our whole lives 0:03:10.880 --> 0:03:14.000 that men are just more valuable, and that's simply not true. 0:03:14.360 --> 0:03:15.320 We are valuable. 0:03:15.360 --> 0:03:18.240 And to understand your value, you have to be in 0:03:18.280 --> 0:03:21.959 a relationship with yourself, to understand who you are, what 0:03:22.000 --> 0:03:25.040 you're good at, what your strengths are, what your weaknesses are. 0:03:25.639 --> 0:03:28.440 And once you can figure those things out, like what 0:03:28.480 --> 0:03:30.120 you're good at and what you're not good at, then 0:03:30.160 --> 0:03:32.360 you can excel at the things you're good at and 0:03:32.440 --> 0:03:35.800 kind of minimize your exposure to the things that don't 0:03:35.800 --> 0:03:38.000 bring you as much joy and as much power. But 0:03:38.080 --> 0:03:40.600 I think the most important thing is to always stand 0:03:40.680 --> 0:03:43.920 up for yourself, to always, you know, be your best ally. 0:03:44.240 --> 0:03:46.160 Yeah, And one thing you talk about a lot is 0:03:46.200 --> 0:03:48.320 like asking for what you want and asking for what 0:03:48.360 --> 0:03:50.920 you need. And I was with someone this weekend who 0:03:51.680 --> 0:03:53.360 you know, when she didn't want to do something, she 0:03:53.360 --> 0:03:55.040 would say, oh, but you guys, go ahead. 0:03:55.080 --> 0:03:56.720 I'm not going to, but you guys go ahead. 0:03:56.760 --> 0:03:59.280 And I just was like, I want her to feel 0:03:59.360 --> 0:04:01.800 confident in to say like, no, you know, let's not 0:04:01.880 --> 0:04:02.240 do that. 0:04:02.360 --> 0:04:04.000 I'm not really into that. Let's go to this other 0:04:04.080 --> 0:04:07.560 thing over here. And I think the more we can. 0:04:07.720 --> 0:04:10.800 Work that muscle and gain that muscle, the more powerful 0:04:10.800 --> 0:04:11.080 will be. 0:04:11.520 --> 0:04:12.040 Yeah. 0:04:12.080 --> 0:04:15.560 Absolutely, very important to always just kind of I like 0:04:15.600 --> 0:04:18.240 to think of myself as like my own little daughter. 0:04:18.400 --> 0:04:20.720 I'm not going to ever let somebody hurt a little kid, 0:04:20.839 --> 0:04:22.440 so I'm not going to let anybody hurt me either. 0:04:23.080 --> 0:04:24.920 Yeah, you'd want hurt a stand up for herself, so like, 0:04:25.000 --> 0:04:25.760 let's stand up for her. 0:04:26.120 --> 0:04:26.480 M M. 0:04:26.600 --> 0:04:28.960 I love that we have a very special guest for 0:04:29.000 --> 0:04:32.520 International Women's Day. Her ted talk has topped over twenty 0:04:32.600 --> 0:04:36.680 two million views, Her reformation campaign went viral this week, 0:04:36.720 --> 0:04:41.120 and her self care and anti harassment activism is widespread, 0:04:41.480 --> 0:04:44.440 including her most recent anti bullying efforts with stand upto 0:04:44.440 --> 0:04:48.919 yourself dot com. Please welcome producer, activist, public speaker, and 0:04:48.960 --> 0:04:53.560 contributing editor at Vanity Fair Monica Lewinsky. I can't believe 0:04:53.600 --> 0:04:57.040 you're in my studio, but I'm not there. Yeah, it's 0:04:57.080 --> 0:04:58.680 so good to see you, Monica. Thank you so much 0:04:58.720 --> 0:05:03.080 for being our special guest this very important International Women's Day, 0:05:03.120 --> 0:05:05.760 which we should be having more frequently than once a year. 0:05:05.800 --> 0:05:08.520 It seems like, Monica, where do we meet? We've met 0:05:08.560 --> 0:05:11.159 a couple times, right, Once this was with Alissa. 0:05:11.000 --> 0:05:15.640 Wright, who I love, and I think we have Maria 0:05:15.720 --> 0:05:16.599 Schreiber in common. 0:05:16.920 --> 0:05:20.039 Yeah, we probably have some people in common. Well, I 0:05:20.160 --> 0:05:21.960 was meaning to hang out with you at some point. 0:05:22.320 --> 0:05:24.160 We still have to do that anyway, but now we're 0:05:24.200 --> 0:05:28.160 hanging out here, so we'll start here. So I'm very 0:05:28.160 --> 0:05:31.240 excited to talk to you because obviously, well you've been 0:05:31.240 --> 0:05:33.880 a very public figure for a very long time, and 0:05:34.240 --> 0:05:38.080 now you have a huge, big perspective on all of 0:05:38.120 --> 0:05:39.920 the things that you've been through. So I'm sure the 0:05:40.000 --> 0:05:42.240 way that you look at things has probably changed a 0:05:42.279 --> 0:05:43.560 lot since you were a young girl. 0:05:43.680 --> 0:05:43.840 Right. 0:05:44.400 --> 0:05:45.039 Absolutely. 0:05:45.240 --> 0:05:49.320 I've had a lot, a lot of therapy and like 0:05:49.360 --> 0:05:51.160 a lot of healing modalities. 0:05:51.200 --> 0:05:52.800 I do it all, so do you. 0:05:53.160 --> 0:05:57.039 Oh yeah, My main therapist is a trauma psychiatrist. I 0:05:57.080 --> 0:06:00.520 have a somatic therapist I have. I call him my 0:06:00.640 --> 0:06:05.160 energy worker, but he's like, I don't know, it's more 0:06:05.240 --> 0:06:07.400 resonance kind of resonance work. 0:06:07.560 --> 0:06:10.120 And I have a friend apist, and. 0:06:11.880 --> 0:06:13.680 What is a friend to pist? I mean, obviously I 0:06:13.720 --> 0:06:14.360 can figure that out. 0:06:14.640 --> 0:06:17.799 Yeah, well, you know, it's someone that I had started 0:06:17.839 --> 0:06:22.680 working with professionally, not as a therapist, but in other capacities. 0:06:22.839 --> 0:06:25.720 We became friends, and then a few years ago I 0:06:25.760 --> 0:06:29.760 was going through just challenging work stuff and she kept 0:06:29.760 --> 0:06:31.839 stepping up to the plate so much, and I was 0:06:31.880 --> 0:06:34.800 relying on her so much that I just felt like, 0:06:35.560 --> 0:06:39.440 because we had had a transactional relationship before and now 0:06:39.480 --> 0:06:42.719 there was this deeper connection, it just didn't feel like 0:06:42.760 --> 0:06:45.480 an even exchange to me. So I was like, I know, 0:06:45.640 --> 0:06:47.359 I'm going to just pay you a tiny bit of 0:06:47.400 --> 0:06:50.400 money each week and then you know, so it's great, 0:06:50.480 --> 0:06:52.800 because I just felt like there needed to be an 0:06:52.839 --> 0:06:56.240 even exchange. But I find what I find really valuable 0:06:56.960 --> 0:06:59.400 is that I don't have to always wait until my 0:06:59.480 --> 0:07:03.160 next therapy B session to process something if it's really important. 0:07:03.400 --> 0:07:05.280 Yeah, I want to catch our listeners up. 0:07:05.279 --> 0:07:08.760 For anyone who's not familiar with Monica or her story, 0:07:09.200 --> 0:07:12.240 this was a very very long time ago. Let's set 0:07:12.240 --> 0:07:14.800 the scene because this was before social media, so we 0:07:14.840 --> 0:07:16.520 didn't have Instagram. 0:07:16.040 --> 0:07:16.720 Or even Twitter. 0:07:16.760 --> 0:07:20.080 At that time, we had nothing, and you were caught 0:07:20.200 --> 0:07:23.960 up in a very, very, the most public scandal of 0:07:24.000 --> 0:07:27.040 all time probably or one of the most public scandals 0:07:27.080 --> 0:07:28.680 of all time, and you were only a twenty two 0:07:28.720 --> 0:07:31.800 year old girl. So your Ted talk, which has received 0:07:31.800 --> 0:07:34.960 over twenty two million views, was so moving because it 0:07:35.680 --> 0:07:39.560 is on the subject of cyber bullying and what you 0:07:39.640 --> 0:07:42.440 went through and the disparities between men and women and 0:07:42.480 --> 0:07:47.080 cyber bullying. So at that time, how were you reading 0:07:47.120 --> 0:07:50.080 this stuff about yourself that people were writing. 0:07:50.400 --> 0:07:51.240 It was horrific. 0:07:51.400 --> 0:07:54.080 I think in large part, I think it's challenging for 0:07:54.160 --> 0:07:57.600 anybody in the public eye to read or hear something 0:07:57.640 --> 0:08:01.640 negative about themselves, but chosen to be a public person. 0:08:01.800 --> 0:08:05.040 And I literally went to bed one night a private 0:08:05.080 --> 0:08:08.880 person and awaken the next morning and there was my 0:08:08.960 --> 0:08:12.320 name above the fold on the newspaper like So it 0:08:12.360 --> 0:08:16.840 was a very jarring transition and obviously not something people 0:08:16.880 --> 0:08:17.720 want recognition. 0:08:17.760 --> 0:08:19.320 That's not what you want to become. 0:08:19.360 --> 0:08:23.320 Known for, and so it was quite challenging, and I 0:08:24.480 --> 0:08:28.440 think I went through a period where I became almost 0:08:28.520 --> 0:08:31.760 obsessed with the negativity. But I also felt in many 0:08:31.760 --> 0:08:34.120 ways that I had to follow along with everything that 0:08:34.200 --> 0:08:37.920 was going on because it was giving me clues to 0:08:38.120 --> 0:08:41.040 what was happening legally, and even though I had lawyers, 0:08:41.559 --> 0:08:43.600 I think we've all gone through this before. When you 0:08:43.679 --> 0:08:48.120 feel you're in a helpless, feeling situation, any straws that 0:08:48.160 --> 0:08:51.679 you can grasp for agency can feel valuable. So it 0:08:51.800 --> 0:08:53.360 was that way, but it was I mean, it did 0:08:53.440 --> 0:08:56.400 a total fucking number on me. So I mean I 0:08:56.520 --> 0:09:00.600 still deal with, you know, with insecurities and issue from 0:09:01.000 --> 0:09:04.960 ways that I was talked about, both true and untrue. 0:09:05.559 --> 0:09:08.560 And didn't you mention in one interview that your parents 0:09:08.600 --> 0:09:11.720 didn't have really the Internet on their computer at home, 0:09:11.800 --> 0:09:13.679 so you had to like go to an internet cafe. 0:09:13.960 --> 0:09:16.760 So my mom, yeah, we didn't. So my parents are divorced. 0:09:17.000 --> 0:09:19.800 I was living with my mom in DC and my 0:09:19.920 --> 0:09:23.120 dad and stepmom are in Brentwood, so my at my 0:09:23.200 --> 0:09:26.320 mom's we did not. And then when I went out 0:09:26.360 --> 0:09:29.200 to stay with my dad and stepmom, they had the Internet. 0:09:29.240 --> 0:09:31.280 And that was I was actually just thinking about it 0:09:31.280 --> 0:09:33.679 when we were saying this a few seconds ago. Because 0:09:34.520 --> 0:09:37.280 I would get up super early, I'd go on the internet, 0:09:37.320 --> 0:09:40.680 and they eventually established a rule that I wasn't allowed 0:09:40.679 --> 0:09:43.560 to go on the computer until after breakfast because I 0:09:43.559 --> 0:09:46.400 would just dive in and then I was, you know, 0:09:46.559 --> 0:09:49.080 little miss cuckoo pants from what was. 0:09:49.080 --> 0:09:51.559 Being the moment you woke up. I'm sure, yeah, well 0:09:51.559 --> 0:09:56.600 it's just a I mean, it was I wouldn't wish 0:09:56.679 --> 0:09:58.319 the experience of my worst enemy. 0:09:58.760 --> 0:10:02.480 So, you know, I think influencers these days, and obviously 0:10:02.520 --> 0:10:05.360 it's it's somewhat different from what you went through, but 0:10:06.200 --> 0:10:09.720 there are bullies out there, there are nasty comments and 0:10:09.760 --> 0:10:11.560 that sort of thing, and most of us are picking 0:10:11.679 --> 0:10:13.560 up our phone first thing in the morning, We're going 0:10:13.600 --> 0:10:16.040 on social media and so like same sort of situation 0:10:16.080 --> 0:10:18.320 where they're filling their minds with that from the moment 0:10:18.360 --> 0:10:18.880 they wake up. 0:10:19.679 --> 0:10:21.960 Well, any I think too, what we don't think about 0:10:22.080 --> 0:10:25.160 enough with what we're seeing online is that we all 0:10:25.200 --> 0:10:29.840 become collateral damage to that, particularly women, when we observe 0:10:29.920 --> 0:10:32.679 what other people, even if it's other women are saying 0:10:32.720 --> 0:10:37.160 about other women, we all relate on some level, and 0:10:37.240 --> 0:10:39.320 so I think that's where it can it can become 0:10:39.559 --> 0:10:42.040 so toxic for the culture. 0:10:42.679 --> 0:10:44.560 When you say, I want to go back to what 0:10:44.600 --> 0:10:46.840 something you just said, When you said you became obsessed 0:10:46.840 --> 0:10:47.800 with the negativity. 0:10:48.280 --> 0:10:50.079 Can you expound on that a little bit. 0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:52.800 I think it was. 0:10:54.280 --> 0:10:57.600 I had I mean, like most young women, I had 0:10:58.360 --> 0:11:02.640 insecurities going in to nineteen ninety eight. I had insecurities 0:11:03.040 --> 0:11:05.920 as a young woman and trauma that led to my 0:11:06.080 --> 0:11:09.880 even being in that relationship. I don't know about either 0:11:09.920 --> 0:11:13.240 of you, but I think that there's when I was young, 0:11:13.280 --> 0:11:16.240 that feeling of almost the worst thing that could happen 0:11:16.400 --> 0:11:20.640 would be someone confirming my worst fears about myself. And 0:11:20.720 --> 0:11:24.240 when that's someone is the entire world, it's pretty fucked up. 0:11:24.760 --> 0:11:28.560 So it was just I think that it became sort 0:11:28.559 --> 0:11:31.280 of like a wound that you just can't leave alone. 0:11:31.960 --> 0:11:35.920 It's fascinating to me that psychology, because it's impossible when 0:11:36.000 --> 0:11:39.160 something is being said about you to just look away, right, 0:11:39.760 --> 0:11:44.079 especially with that magnitude or that cacophony of the whole 0:11:44.080 --> 0:11:47.000 world watching. So I can't even imagine on such a 0:11:47.080 --> 0:11:50.040 large scale because you don't have the tools as a 0:11:50.080 --> 0:11:54.240 twenty two year old girl. Your brain isn't even fully developed. Yes, 0:11:54.280 --> 0:11:57.480 you don't have the tools to weather that storm. So 0:11:57.600 --> 0:12:00.920 it's like a miracle that you're okay. 0:12:00.920 --> 0:12:02.280 Okay, is no I'm kidding. 0:12:02.280 --> 0:12:05.640 I'm okay, You're okay, okay, but you. 0:12:05.600 --> 0:12:08.040 Know, I've I've found it. I don't know. 0:12:08.600 --> 0:12:10.800 I don't know if either of you've experienced this, but 0:12:11.440 --> 0:12:14.080 I think one of the things that's been so magical 0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:16.720 for me about how things have changed in my life 0:12:16.720 --> 0:12:20.120 in the last decade is that I've come to learn 0:12:20.160 --> 0:12:23.680 and understand how when you have that balance of things 0:12:23.720 --> 0:12:26.920 starting to sort of gel more in your life. I 0:12:26.960 --> 0:12:29.360 think feeling like I've been seen for more as my 0:12:29.440 --> 0:12:34.360 true self, that it has allowed when there's been something negative, 0:12:34.720 --> 0:12:37.079 something that might have laid me low for an entire 0:12:37.240 --> 0:12:40.439 day that I kind of am miffed for five minutes, 0:12:40.679 --> 0:12:44.120 and that there's just a wider landscape that you and 0:12:44.200 --> 0:12:47.440 a wider context that you feel seen and judged in, 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:49.880 so that's been better. 0:12:50.200 --> 0:12:52.840 Do you think that's something that kind of comes naturally 0:12:52.880 --> 0:12:54.520 a little bit with age or would you talk at 0:12:54.520 --> 0:12:56.120 it mostly to the work that you've done. 0:12:57.440 --> 0:12:59.719 I think it's a combination of both, you know, So 0:12:59.760 --> 0:13:02.480 there's there's the maturity, then there's that, you know, sort 0:13:02.480 --> 0:13:07.480 of the alchemy that happens between maturity, age, experience and 0:13:07.880 --> 0:13:11.200 how they all sort of work together. But I'm grateful 0:13:11.240 --> 0:13:12.720 for it either way, so. 0:13:13.760 --> 0:13:16.240 Right, because without the work, if you didn't have the work, 0:13:16.280 --> 0:13:18.240 you would be a completely different person right now, And 0:13:18.320 --> 0:13:22.160 you would be so easily triggered by that experience. You know, 0:13:22.240 --> 0:13:24.960 if not working through that experience, I would only just 0:13:25.000 --> 0:13:26.880 come up and tap you on the shoulder at the worst, 0:13:27.120 --> 0:13:29.960 most inopportune time. So you're kind of left with no 0:13:30.080 --> 0:13:32.280 choice but to do the work right because it's. 0:13:32.160 --> 0:13:35.000 The only way out, exactly. And I think that's for me. 0:13:35.280 --> 0:13:38.480 I had kind of jettisoned what I thought I was doing, 0:13:38.640 --> 0:13:42.120 was jettisoning my public life in two thousand and five, 0:13:42.160 --> 0:13:44.480 and I left the States and I moved to London 0:13:44.520 --> 0:13:47.679 and went to graduate school at the London School of Economics. 0:13:47.720 --> 0:13:50.839 And the intention there, I think, was that I would 0:13:51.400 --> 0:13:55.000 leave this old Monica Lewinsky behind and now I was 0:13:55.080 --> 0:13:57.000 going to be the new Monica Lewinsky with a new 0:13:57.000 --> 0:14:00.720 scaffolding and start my real life. And of course, you 0:14:00.720 --> 0:14:01.800 know that didn't happen. 0:14:02.120 --> 0:14:04.480 I mean, obviously you could clock when we were being 0:14:04.559 --> 0:14:08.040 introduced to people that you have to get over that hurdle. 0:14:08.120 --> 0:14:10.920 I'm so curious as to what that is like. Every 0:14:10.960 --> 0:14:14.760 time someone meets you they're like, oh, that's the story, 0:14:14.880 --> 0:14:17.280 Like how does one handle that? 0:14:17.400 --> 0:14:18.800 Like did you go at it with humor? 0:14:18.800 --> 0:14:21.000 Did you try to disarm people or did you just 0:14:21.280 --> 0:14:23.440 let everybody figure it out as they went along? 0:14:23.560 --> 0:14:24.440 I think probably. 0:14:24.640 --> 0:14:26.640 I mean I like to think I'm funny, so I 0:14:26.720 --> 0:14:29.920 would I'd like to think it was like disarming with 0:14:30.000 --> 0:14:33.760 humor or just you know, I probably have a much 0:14:33.800 --> 0:14:36.720 higher EQ than I do IQ and just in that 0:14:36.800 --> 0:14:41.800 way of sensing people. But also trauma, you know, trauma 0:14:41.880 --> 0:14:46.720 will definitely shape your senses and your nervous system around 0:14:46.800 --> 0:14:49.480 how you perceive things, how you try to feel safe. 0:14:49.640 --> 0:14:53.000 Someone once said something so interesting to me that people 0:14:53.040 --> 0:14:56.600 with trauma can't feel safe until everyone else in the 0:14:56.680 --> 0:15:00.720 room is safe or feel safe to them comfortable. 0:15:00.920 --> 0:15:02.840 And I think that's definitely true for me. 0:15:03.120 --> 0:15:06.440 But I've had people, which was I took as a compliment, 0:15:06.520 --> 0:15:09.080 people saying that they get over the speed bump really quickly, 0:15:09.720 --> 0:15:12.720 which I think is good. But I mean, then you 0:15:12.800 --> 0:15:16.040 have those funny moments where you can just somehow tell 0:15:16.080 --> 0:15:18.960 the difference between Sometimes people don't recognize you, they don't 0:15:18.960 --> 0:15:21.520 know your history, all of those things, and then there'll 0:15:21.560 --> 0:15:25.440 be times where someone will pretend that they don't know. 0:15:25.520 --> 0:15:26.720 Have you ever had this happen? 0:15:26.840 --> 0:15:30.400 Like someone pretends that they don't know you or your history, 0:15:30.440 --> 0:15:32.840 and you're like, wait, I don't know. There's something about 0:15:32.840 --> 0:15:35.400 the way you're doing, like I know you're either trying 0:15:35.440 --> 0:15:38.200 to make me feel comfortable or you're trying to be 0:15:38.320 --> 0:15:39.640 cool or whatever that is. 0:15:39.800 --> 0:15:42.720 So what was your first job out of college? Exactly? Exactly? 0:15:42.760 --> 0:15:44.720 Have you ever worn a beret? I think you look 0:15:44.760 --> 0:15:45.280 really good. 0:15:46.240 --> 0:15:51.240 But and on a larger note, the saying or everything 0:15:51.280 --> 0:15:52.680 happens for a reason, there are a lot of people 0:15:52.680 --> 0:15:55.360 who believe that. You know, what do you think about 0:15:55.560 --> 0:15:58.000 that saying everything happens for a reason. 0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:03.400 I think it's bigger than all of that, because I 0:16:03.480 --> 0:16:07.520 believe in karma, and I believe that idea that things 0:16:07.640 --> 0:16:13.160 become cyclical in a much larger way over lifetimes. And 0:16:13.280 --> 0:16:17.920 so that part of me thinks that's an accurate statement. 0:16:18.040 --> 0:16:21.280 But then there's another part of me that is like, no, 0:16:21.440 --> 0:16:23.680 you just try and survive, and then this is the 0:16:23.720 --> 0:16:27.000 story we tell ourselves that, oh, it happened for a 0:16:27.040 --> 0:16:28.720 reason because it's easier. 0:16:28.800 --> 0:16:28.960 You know. 0:16:29.000 --> 0:16:31.800 It's sort of like if you've had a friend who's 0:16:32.120 --> 0:16:34.600 not made great choices in relationships for a long time, 0:16:34.680 --> 0:16:36.760 and then they meet their person and then and they're like, well, 0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:38.920 I finally went for the nice guy, you know, and 0:16:38.960 --> 0:16:41.560 it's like okay, or that's just the story you tell yourself. 0:16:41.600 --> 0:16:43.680 You know that you stopped wanting the other things. And 0:16:43.920 --> 0:16:45.640 sometimes that's true and sometimes it's not. 0:16:46.320 --> 0:16:50.040 It does seem that you have sort of intentionally tried 0:16:50.080 --> 0:16:53.480 to arrive at the reason, arrive at the reason that 0:16:53.520 --> 0:16:56.280 this happened, and you recently have been doing you know, 0:16:56.320 --> 0:16:57.880 in the last several years, have been doing this anti 0:16:57.920 --> 0:17:00.560 bullying work. Can you talk a little bit about turning 0:17:00.600 --> 0:17:03.040 your pain into purpose? And it really seems like that's 0:17:03.080 --> 0:17:03.760 what you're doing. 0:17:04.160 --> 0:17:10.960 Sure, it really ended up being it was not intentional. 0:17:11.280 --> 0:17:13.879 I think I was trying to find purpose in my 0:17:13.960 --> 0:17:16.600 life and I couldn't. When I got out of graduate school, 0:17:16.600 --> 0:17:19.120 I couldn't get a job, and so then I found 0:17:19.160 --> 0:17:23.640 myself approaching my forties and not really having anything close 0:17:23.680 --> 0:17:27.800 to the life I had imagined. But it's the anti 0:17:27.840 --> 0:17:30.280 bulling work that I've been able to do really stemmed 0:17:30.359 --> 0:17:33.600 from the first thing I did a decade ago, which 0:17:33.640 --> 0:17:36.159 was writing a first person essay for Vanity fair, and 0:17:36.200 --> 0:17:40.119 I think that opportunity I was given to reclaim my 0:17:40.240 --> 0:17:44.320 narrative and reintroduce myself on my own terms was a 0:17:44.359 --> 0:17:48.040 really powerful moment, and it allowed people to start to 0:17:48.119 --> 0:17:51.560 see me in a different light, to a reevaluate the story, 0:17:51.720 --> 0:17:54.800 and that allowed me to eventually step into it. Was 0:17:54.840 --> 0:17:58.040 actually an anti bullying group in the UK called Anti 0:17:58.040 --> 0:18:01.600 Bullying Program that's part of the Diana Award, and they 0:18:01.640 --> 0:18:04.640 were the first ones who were sort of said, hey, 0:18:04.640 --> 0:18:07.760 we'll work with you and really embraced that I had 0:18:08.440 --> 0:18:10.240 a story to share in a way that could help 0:18:10.280 --> 0:18:13.080 other people feel less alone, and so that became really 0:18:13.080 --> 0:18:16.520 important to me and finding a way that you know, 0:18:16.760 --> 0:18:20.440 so if you're a sensitive person, you just I hate 0:18:20.440 --> 0:18:22.520 to say feel you know, I feel your pain, but 0:18:23.800 --> 0:18:27.880 feeling other people's pain in that sense of the work 0:18:27.920 --> 0:18:31.320 that I've been able to do has been incredibly rewarding 0:18:31.359 --> 0:18:33.919 for me. And I think that all of the anti 0:18:33.960 --> 0:18:38.000 bowling organizations that I'm connected to in different ways, we've 0:18:38.040 --> 0:18:40.880 all tried to make strides in this area. But there's 0:18:40.880 --> 0:18:43.000 still more work to be done, you know. So what's 0:18:43.040 --> 0:18:47.879 great is we're now having more conversations about bullying and 0:18:47.920 --> 0:18:52.720 public shaming and harassment, and therefore people feel less alone 0:18:52.920 --> 0:18:56.000 if it happens to them, it's less stigmatized, which is 0:18:56.080 --> 0:18:58.960 really important. I believe, you know, the worst things happen 0:18:59.000 --> 0:19:00.480 when someone's suffering in silence. 0:19:01.040 --> 0:19:03.480 I want to talk a little bit about what happens 0:19:03.480 --> 0:19:05.679