Speaker 1: This is cut to it with Steve Smith Senior at
Speaker 1: production of The Black Effect and I Heart Radio. I'm
Speaker 1: Steve Smith Senior and I'm a little John and this
Speaker 1: is cut to it. Good do it, Good do it.
Speaker 1: They're getting down to do it. Good do it. We
Speaker 1: asked the questions you always want to know, but no
Speaker 1: one ever asked, let's cut to it. You ain't heard
Speaker 1: about it, then we're about to let you know. It's
Speaker 1: all what's going on? Cut to it? Crew? How you doing?
Speaker 1: Agent eight? Nasty Smith here, I'm so low today. It's
Speaker 1: a reason. UM. Really this episode for me, UM, it's
Speaker 1: something extremely personal. It's something that's extremely scary, UH to
Speaker 1: not necessarily put myself out there, but for me more
Speaker 1: of get the freedom out. UM. If you've listened to
Speaker 1: our podcast, my podcast, you've known. UM. I've talked in
Speaker 1: ways that maybe it will sound very clinical, which is
Speaker 1: true because I i UM, I received counseling, and not
Speaker 1: because I'm documented crazy that I act like. But it's
Speaker 1: more of because of what I experienced and what UM,
Speaker 1: I know that I can't fix everything and process it
Speaker 1: and go through the process by myself, so I seek
Speaker 1: help in that process and it's been extremely helpful just
Speaker 1: because I've taken I've had a sports psychologist through my
Speaker 1: NFL career, which I've seen the benefits of talking through
Speaker 1: things and understanding having a plan, a psychological plan, understanding
Speaker 1: why and how UM, and so that's really benefited me
Speaker 1: UM to where if you could use it professionally and
Speaker 1: it benefits you obviously have to also invest UH personally.
Speaker 1: And so through the years of counseling UM. The last
Speaker 1: couple probably like the last two years, I discover something
Speaker 1: that happened to me when I was a young child
Speaker 1: that I didn't realize until my late thirties. That's something
Speaker 1: happened to me that really impacted me. And if we
Speaker 1: talk about today what that is considered, UM, it is
Speaker 1: considered UH sexual assault. I was assaulted when I was
Speaker 1: a kid UM And however way it is, I'm not
Speaker 1: trying to make light of it. I'm not trying to
Speaker 1: minimize anyone. It is very traumatic and it's something that
Speaker 1: if you have experienced it to whatever degree, whatever form,
Speaker 1: it's real and has a lasting effect. And something that
Speaker 1: I realized that is done to me. It is made
Speaker 1: me grow up holding secrets to where every single day.
Speaker 1: Every single moment that I've had, I've asked myself or
Speaker 1: had that unconscious dialogue within myself, keep it to yourself,
Speaker 1: don't say anything. So I want to tell and one
Speaker 1: get the freedom out of what I experienced, but also
Speaker 1: to help, hopefully help someone else be able to share
Speaker 1: their story or just know that you're not by yourself.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's just knowing that you are not by yourself,
Speaker 1: You're not alone. And so I have four kids and
Speaker 1: my youngest, Deuce, seven years old. My wife home schools.
Speaker 1: He's in the second grade. What I experienced, I was
Speaker 1: just a year older, and my son maybe a year
Speaker 1: and a half, but not much older. Mam. I will
Speaker 1: not use the names, but I will tell the story
Speaker 1: because I think it is important after all these years
Speaker 1: that uh the person who did it, and then also
Speaker 1: the people that were involved. It is not my goal
Speaker 1: and it's not my responsibility to hold them accountable. I
Speaker 1: don't believe so. Because I've held on to it this long,
Speaker 1: it's just more for me to let it go and
Speaker 1: release and remove that secret. So here goes. When I
Speaker 1: was around third or fourth grade, I was over my
Speaker 1: mom had a friend who had children. She had a
Speaker 1: daughter and a son and I. We used to go
Speaker 1: over there a lot and we had good friends. It
Speaker 1: was great friendship. But during that process we were old enough.
Speaker 1: You know this is I was the last key kid,
Speaker 1: right you where your kid? You wear your key on
Speaker 1: the shoelace. You didn't show anybody, didn't take anything off.
Speaker 1: You didn't You didn't take off the key. You didn't
Speaker 1: sit it down. If you play basketball your shirt on,
Speaker 1: shirt off, you kept that key on your neck. You
Speaker 1: do not take that key off. And you definitely don't
Speaker 1: open the door for anybody. And in California, l A
Speaker 1: where I grew up, you don't even open the door
Speaker 1: when mom's not home. For the Jehovah witness, you just
Speaker 1: keep it moving. And so, um, we were all hanging out.
Speaker 1: My mom and her and their mom were off. Um
Speaker 1: I think they ran to the store. They did something,
Speaker 1: and I don't recall that part, but we were it
Speaker 1: was three of us. Um. It was. It was a
Speaker 1: gentleman who was he was older than me, and he
Speaker 1: had a younger sister who is maybe same age as
Speaker 1: me or a year older. And we're all hanging out
Speaker 1: and things got a little funny. He says, Hey, y'all
Speaker 1: take your clothes off. Man, I'm young, you know, Okay,
Speaker 1: So I take my clothes off, and as I take
Speaker 1: my clothes off, also covered myself in the third or
Speaker 1: fourth grade. Man, you know, I'm just you know you
Speaker 1: you hide, you hide yourself and we take off our clothes,
Speaker 1: and then he starts to instruct us and what to do.
Speaker 1: He tells me to get on top of her his sister.
Speaker 1: I had no idea what I was doing. I also
Speaker 1: had no interest in doing anything he told me, but
Speaker 1: I was also afraid if I didn't do it, what
Speaker 1: would happen. So as be start, he tells me to
Speaker 1: stick it in. I don't know what he's talking about.
Speaker 1: I have no idea, and I am not interested again,
Speaker 1: and so he starts to instruct us into having sex. No,
Speaker 1: I'm in the third grade. I know zero about sex.
Speaker 1: My mind is not even there, let alone my body
Speaker 1: parts functioning in a way that they're supposed to. And
Speaker 1: I have no idea. So he's telling us things to do,
Speaker 1: and he's watching us, and now he's starting to um
Speaker 1: direct and give us orders and give us instructions. And
Speaker 1: so I go through it, and then I finally just
Speaker 1: stopped because I had a bad I had a feeling
Speaker 1: down there that was unfamiliar to me. It didn't feel right,
Speaker 1: I didn't feel good, and so I got off of
Speaker 1: her and kind of went into the bathroom and he
Speaker 1: followed me. He said, what's the matter. I said, man,
Speaker 1: it feels funny. Is burning And now, being an adult,
Speaker 1: that was basically me not being able to produce something.
Speaker 1: But that's what it was, and more than anything, what
Speaker 1: transpired after its where the secrets grew, where a post
Speaker 1: traumatic stress syndrome really start to kick in. And I
Speaker 1: don't mean that to say it in a way and
Speaker 1: to use it lightly, but I was really struggling with
Speaker 1: him because he said, don't tell anybody. You better not
Speaker 1: tell anybody, And so that's where the manipulation comes, that's
Speaker 1: where the the predator type of behavior starts to hover over.
Speaker 1: The content of what I'm saying is because I had
Speaker 1: no idea. I was a young kid, not interested. I
Speaker 1: had no idea what was going on. But the ramifications,
Speaker 1: even the years later, even where it is today, still
Speaker 1: affect me till this moment. And one of those things,
Speaker 1: those things of holding secrets, feeling that at such a
Speaker 1: young age, I am that you can never be safe.
Speaker 1: And so Mom came home, came back. You know, we
Speaker 1: stayed around a little bit, we left. But then here's
Speaker 1: where the trauma started. The trauma started. Beca was every
Speaker 1: single moment after that, I was in fear, Say, huh,
Speaker 1: what kind of fear were you in? Well as I
Speaker 1: was in fear that I was gonna get told on
Speaker 1: because I felt like I did something wrong. Now, what
Speaker 1: I did was wrong and it should have never happened
Speaker 1: to a young kid child, but I felt that it
Speaker 1: was something that I did that caused that, which I
Speaker 1: know now I didn't. I had no idea what I
Speaker 1: was even doing. I cannot fathom that a third grader,
Speaker 1: fourth grader is going through this now today. And so
Speaker 1: after that, you know, this is before pages, internet all that.
Speaker 1: So every time the house phone rang, I thought it
Speaker 1: was there telling on me. And I felt that way
Speaker 1: for a very long time. Now I'll repeat that because
Speaker 1: I don't think people really understand the gravity of what
Speaker 1: I just said. There were no cell phones. I think
Speaker 1: the only thing they really had was maybe a pager,
Speaker 1: and like you were a dope boy or a doctor
Speaker 1: that had a pager like that, It was not like
Speaker 1: cell phones today where anybody can have one, all right,
Speaker 1: This is when they still had the Yellow Pages and
Speaker 1: the phone book and operators. And so every time the
Speaker 1: house phone rang. And and here's the problem with why
Speaker 1: is that so traumatic? I grew up in the inner city.
Speaker 1: I grew up with a mom who just tried to
Speaker 1: do her best and make it so. We had a
Speaker 1: lot of outstanding bills. So there were a lot of
Speaker 1: times bill collectors were calling. Now not to tell on moms,
Speaker 1: but moms would always My mom would be her aunt,
Speaker 1: her sister, Mom, no she's not here. But I feared
Speaker 1: every time the phone rang. I was scared. I was
Speaker 1: frightened because is that them? Are they gonna tell? But
Speaker 1: more than anything, I fear what my mom would think.
Speaker 1: What would my mom do to me? Because I at
Speaker 1: some point felt that I did something wrong and I
Speaker 1: struggled a very long time with it. I struggled because
Speaker 1: I couldn't tell my mama. I can tell my dad,
Speaker 1: I can tell my grandparents. I can tell anyone. And
Speaker 1: so you gotta understand that third or fourth grader walking
Speaker 1: around the world holding that secret that he did something wrong,
Speaker 1: that he caused this, which to this day, I still
Speaker 1: struggle with people because I had something happened, multiple things
Speaker 1: not to not like this, not this didn't happen a lot,
Speaker 1: but it happened one too many, and I realized the
Speaker 1: damage that has caused. You talk about what you talk
Speaker 1: about friends, you talk about the ying and the yang man.
Speaker 1: There is no yang and a yang when you go
Speaker 1: when you have these kind of trauma. I didn't realize
Speaker 1: it a sexual assault or sexual abuse until I did counseling,
Speaker 1: and the the counselor told me, I'm like, really, because when
Speaker 1: you're hiding that kind of secret, you internalized that secret,
Speaker 1: you start to believe everything that has happened you have
Speaker 1: done something to cause that. I was forced at a
Speaker 1: young age to have sex with a girl I didn't
Speaker 1: want to. When I got up that morning, I did
Speaker 1: not know that was gonna happen. But unfortunately, when I
Speaker 1: went to bed, I went to bed different. I rose
Speaker 1: that morning broken a piece of me giving us someone
Speaker 1: else at the age that I was not prepared or
Speaker 1: could psychological to physically handle it. My innocence was taken
Speaker 1: away from me, and that's tough. But today I can
Speaker 1: say and talk about it in a way that's freedom.
Speaker 1: This podcast for me is a place where we could
Speaker 1: be real. We could drop the personas and drop all
Speaker 1: of what we think of people and hear their true
Speaker 1: story of who they are, at their true essence, at
Speaker 1: the core m I played many years in the NFL,
Speaker 1: But before I even one day, before I put on
Speaker 1: a pair of cleats, I've seen things as a young man.
Speaker 1: I've been through things as a young man that I
Speaker 1: never want my children to experience because I can see
Speaker 1: the end result the closed offulness that I have towards people,
Speaker 1: towards my family at times, towards the world, for a
Speaker 1: very long time, towards God. Because if this God is
Speaker 1: so great, how can he allow a young man to
Speaker 1: go through that? But I also now see that part
Speaker 1: of that is part of his plan in this purpose.
Speaker 1: I really believe it because I'm living it. It ain't
Speaker 1: no way, as my son Boston said, ain't no way, boy,
Speaker 1: that I would be where I am today without the
Speaker 1: traumas and the things that I experienced. And each year,
Speaker 1: each moth, each quarter, as I do counseling, I learned
Speaker 1: more and more about myself that I shouldn't have experienced.
Speaker 1: But at forty two years old, I realized I got
Speaker 1: some freedom in my mind. I get to finally let
Speaker 1: go in my heart. Some people would, probably my wife said,
Speaker 1: what was the point of that? The point is is
Speaker 1: for me cut to it is our is my sanctuary.
Speaker 1: It's a place of peace. But it's all the things
Speaker 1: that go on off the mic, off camera that I'm
Speaker 1: doing and processing through counseling. The goal I can identify
Speaker 1: and I can understand, and I don't have it all together,
Speaker 1: and I'm not gonna act like I do. But the
Speaker 1: purpose of this is we can't cut to the chase.
Speaker 1: We can't cut to it if we're unwilling to do
Speaker 1: what we're asking our guests to do. Very few times
Speaker 1: on here I will use the name that a few
Speaker 1: people are allowed to call me by Steve Smith, Sr.
Speaker 1: But really, for a very long time, I did not
Speaker 1: believe that I was specially and a unique person, that
Speaker 1: there is no one else like me. Now I'm competent
Speaker 1: and lovable Steven Latrelle Smith Sr. Just free. I appreciate
Speaker 1: your listener. I hope this story gives other people an
Speaker 1: opportunity to share and be open to seek help as well.
Speaker 1: And things that you've dealt with her, been asked to do,
Speaker 1: or you've had to do, how do you engage that's
Speaker 1: not fair or as an adult that you've been manipulated
Speaker 1: into doing. I appreciate your time the Steve Smith Sr.
Speaker 1: You've been listening to Cut to It. You are a
Speaker 1: unique person, you are well worth it, you are competent,
Speaker 1: and most of all, you're lovable. Cut to It with
Speaker 1: Steve Smith Senior. That Is Me is a production of
Speaker 1: Cut to It LLC, Balto Creative Media, The Black Effect
Speaker 1: and I Heart Radio. For more podcast from I Heart Radio,
Speaker 1: visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows from Cut to It.
Speaker 1: Executive producer Steve Smith, Singer co host Gerard little John,
Speaker 1: talent in booking manager Joe Fusci, Social media team Wesley
Speaker 1: Robinson and John Show from Balto Creative Media. Cut to
Speaker 1: It is produced by Brian Falka Chevitch and Meredith Carter,
Speaker 1: with production assistance by Alex Lebrec. Production Coordinator Taylor Robinson.
Speaker 1: Theme music by Alex Johnson, lyrics and vocals by Anthony Hamilton.
Speaker 1: You ain't heard am about it, then We're about to
Speaker 1: let you know it's all