WEBVTT - Steve's Story

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<v Speaker 1>This is cut to it with Steve Smith Senior at

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<v Speaker 1>production of The Black Effect and I Heart Radio. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>Steve Smith Senior and I'm a little John and this

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<v Speaker 1>is cut to it. Good do it, Good do it.

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<v Speaker 1>They're getting down to do it. Good do it. We

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<v Speaker 1>asked the questions you always want to know, but no

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<v Speaker 1>one ever asked, let's cut to it. You ain't heard

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<v Speaker 1>about it, then we're about to let you know. It's

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<v Speaker 1>all what's going on? Cut to it? Crew? How you doing?

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<v Speaker 1>Agent eight? Nasty Smith here, I'm so low today. It's

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<v Speaker 1>a reason. UM. Really this episode for me, UM, it's

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<v Speaker 1>something extremely personal. It's something that's extremely scary, UH to

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<v Speaker 1>not necessarily put myself out there, but for me more

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<v Speaker 1>of get the freedom out. UM. If you've listened to

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<v Speaker 1>our podcast, my podcast, you've known. UM. I've talked in

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<v Speaker 1>ways that maybe it will sound very clinical, which is

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<v Speaker 1>true because I i UM, I received counseling, and not

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<v Speaker 1>because I'm documented crazy that I act like. But it's

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<v Speaker 1>more of because of what I experienced and what UM,

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<v Speaker 1>I know that I can't fix everything and process it

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<v Speaker 1>and go through the process by myself, so I seek

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<v Speaker 1>help in that process and it's been extremely helpful just

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<v Speaker 1>because I've taken I've had a sports psychologist through my

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<v Speaker 1>NFL career, which I've seen the benefits of talking through

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<v Speaker 1>things and understanding having a plan, a psychological plan, understanding

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<v Speaker 1>why and how UM, and so that's really benefited me

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<v Speaker 1>UM to where if you could use it professionally and

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<v Speaker 1>it benefits you obviously have to also invest UH personally.

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<v Speaker 1>And so through the years of counseling UM. The last

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<v Speaker 1>couple probably like the last two years, I discover something

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<v Speaker 1>that happened to me when I was a young child

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<v Speaker 1>that I didn't realize until my late thirties. That's something

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<v Speaker 1>happened to me that really impacted me. And if we

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<v Speaker 1>talk about today what that is considered, UM, it is

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<v Speaker 1>considered UH sexual assault. I was assaulted when I was

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<v Speaker 1>a kid UM And however way it is, I'm not

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<v Speaker 1>trying to make light of it. I'm not trying to

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<v Speaker 1>minimize anyone. It is very traumatic and it's something that

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<v Speaker 1>if you have experienced it to whatever degree, whatever form,

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<v Speaker 1>it's real and has a lasting effect. And something that

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<v Speaker 1>I realized that is done to me. It is made

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<v Speaker 1>me grow up holding secrets to where every single day.

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<v Speaker 1>Every single moment that I've had, I've asked myself or

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<v Speaker 1>had that unconscious dialogue within myself, keep it to yourself,

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<v Speaker 1>don't say anything. So I want to tell and one

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<v Speaker 1>get the freedom out of what I experienced, but also

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<v Speaker 1>to help, hopefully help someone else be able to share

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<v Speaker 1>their story or just know that you're not by yourself.

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<v Speaker 1>Sometimes it's just knowing that you are not by yourself,

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<v Speaker 1>You're not alone. And so I have four kids and

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<v Speaker 1>my youngest, Deuce, seven years old. My wife home schools.

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<v Speaker 1>He's in the second grade. What I experienced, I was

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<v Speaker 1>just a year older, and my son maybe a year

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<v Speaker 1>and a half, but not much older. Mam. I will

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<v Speaker 1>not use the names, but I will tell the story

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<v Speaker 1>because I think it is important after all these years

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<v Speaker 1>that uh the person who did it, and then also

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<v Speaker 1>the people that were involved. It is not my goal

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<v Speaker 1>and it's not my responsibility to hold them accountable. I

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<v Speaker 1>don't believe so. Because I've held on to it this long,

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<v Speaker 1>it's just more for me to let it go and

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<v Speaker 1>release and remove that secret. So here goes. When I

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<v Speaker 1>was around third or fourth grade, I was over my

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<v Speaker 1>mom had a friend who had children. She had a

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<v Speaker 1>daughter and a son and I. We used to go

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<v Speaker 1>over there a lot and we had good friends. It

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<v Speaker 1>was great friendship. But during that process we were old enough.

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<v Speaker 1>You know this is I was the last key kid,

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<v Speaker 1>right you where your kid? You wear your key on

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<v Speaker 1>the shoelace. You didn't show anybody, didn't take anything off.

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<v Speaker 1>You didn't You didn't take off the key. You didn't

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<v Speaker 1>sit it down. If you play basketball your shirt on,

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<v Speaker 1>shirt off, you kept that key on your neck. You

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<v Speaker 1>do not take that key off. And you definitely don't

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<v Speaker 1>open the door for anybody. And in California, l A

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<v Speaker 1>where I grew up, you don't even open the door

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<v Speaker 1>when mom's not home. For the Jehovah witness, you just

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<v Speaker 1>keep it moving. And so, um, we were all hanging out.

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<v Speaker 1>My mom and her and their mom were off. Um

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<v Speaker 1>I think they ran to the store. They did something,

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<v Speaker 1>and I don't recall that part, but we were it

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<v Speaker 1>was three of us. Um. It was. It was a

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<v Speaker 1>gentleman who was he was older than me, and he

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<v Speaker 1>had a younger sister who is maybe same age as

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<v Speaker 1>me or a year older. And we're all hanging out

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<v Speaker 1>and things got a little funny. He says, Hey, y'all

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<v Speaker 1>take your clothes off. Man, I'm young, you know, Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>So I take my clothes off, and as I take

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<v Speaker 1>my clothes off, also covered myself in the third or

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<v Speaker 1>fourth grade. Man, you know, I'm just you know you

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<v Speaker 1>you hide, you hide yourself and we take off our clothes,

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<v Speaker 1>and then he starts to instruct us and what to do.

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<v Speaker 1>He tells me to get on top of her his sister.

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<v Speaker 1>I had no idea what I was doing. I also

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<v Speaker 1>had no interest in doing anything he told me, but

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<v Speaker 1>I was also afraid if I didn't do it, what

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<v Speaker 1>would happen. So as be start, he tells me to

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<v Speaker 1>stick it in. I don't know what he's talking about.

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<v Speaker 1>I have no idea, and I am not interested again,

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<v Speaker 1>and so he starts to instruct us into having sex. No,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm in the third grade. I know zero about sex.

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<v Speaker 1>My mind is not even there, let alone my body

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<v Speaker 1>parts functioning in a way that they're supposed to. And

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<v Speaker 1>I have no idea. So he's telling us things to do,

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<v Speaker 1>and he's watching us, and now he's starting to um

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<v Speaker 1>direct and give us orders and give us instructions. And

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<v Speaker 1>so I go through it, and then I finally just

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<v Speaker 1>stopped because I had a bad I had a feeling

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<v Speaker 1>down there that was unfamiliar to me. It didn't feel right,

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't feel good, and so I got off of

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<v Speaker 1>her and kind of went into the bathroom and he

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<v Speaker 1>followed me. He said, what's the matter. I said, man,

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<v Speaker 1>it feels funny. Is burning And now, being an adult,

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<v Speaker 1>that was basically me not being able to produce something.

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<v Speaker 1>But that's what it was, and more than anything, what

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<v Speaker 1>transpired after its where the secrets grew, where a post

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<v Speaker 1>traumatic stress syndrome really start to kick in. And I

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<v Speaker 1>don't mean that to say it in a way and

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<v Speaker 1>to use it lightly, but I was really struggling with

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<v Speaker 1>him because he said, don't tell anybody. You better not

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<v Speaker 1>tell anybody, And so that's where the manipulation comes, that's

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<v Speaker 1>where the the predator type of behavior starts to hover over.

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<v Speaker 1>The content of what I'm saying is because I had

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<v Speaker 1>no idea. I was a young kid, not interested. I

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<v Speaker 1>had no idea what was going on. But the ramifications,

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<v Speaker 1>even the years later, even where it is today, still

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<v Speaker 1>affect me till this moment. And one of those things,

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<v Speaker 1>those things of holding secrets, feeling that at such a

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<v Speaker 1>young age, I am that you can never be safe.

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<v Speaker 1>And so Mom came home, came back. You know, we

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<v Speaker 1>stayed around a little bit, we left. But then here's

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<v Speaker 1>where the trauma started. The trauma started. Beca was every

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<v Speaker 1>single moment after that, I was in fear, Say, huh,

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<v Speaker 1>what kind of fear were you in? Well as I

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<v Speaker 1>was in fear that I was gonna get told on

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<v Speaker 1>because I felt like I did something wrong. Now, what

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<v Speaker 1>I did was wrong and it should have never happened

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<v Speaker 1>to a young kid child, but I felt that it

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<v Speaker 1>was something that I did that caused that, which I

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<v Speaker 1>know now I didn't. I had no idea what I

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<v Speaker 1>was even doing. I cannot fathom that a third grader,

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<v Speaker 1>fourth grader is going through this now today. And so

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<v Speaker 1>after that, you know, this is before pages, internet all that.

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<v Speaker 1>So every time the house phone rang, I thought it

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<v Speaker 1>was there telling on me. And I felt that way

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<v Speaker 1>for a very long time. Now I'll repeat that because

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<v Speaker 1>I don't think people really understand the gravity of what

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<v Speaker 1>I just said. There were no cell phones. I think

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<v Speaker 1>the only thing they really had was maybe a pager,

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<v Speaker 1>and like you were a dope boy or a doctor

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<v Speaker 1>that had a pager like that, It was not like

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<v Speaker 1>cell phones today where anybody can have one, all right,

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<v Speaker 1>This is when they still had the Yellow Pages and

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<v Speaker 1>the phone book and operators. And so every time the

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<v Speaker 1>house phone rang. And and here's the problem with why

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<v Speaker 1>is that so traumatic? I grew up in the inner city.

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<v Speaker 1>I grew up with a mom who just tried to

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<v Speaker 1>do her best and make it so. We had a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of outstanding bills. So there were a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>times bill collectors were calling. Now not to tell on moms,

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<v Speaker 1>but moms would always My mom would be her aunt,

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<v Speaker 1>her sister, Mom, no she's not here. But I feared

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<v Speaker 1>every time the phone rang. I was scared. I was

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<v Speaker 1>frightened because is that them? Are they gonna tell? But

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<v Speaker 1>more than anything, I fear what my mom would think.

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<v Speaker 1>What would my mom do to me? Because I at

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<v Speaker 1>some point felt that I did something wrong and I

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<v Speaker 1>struggled a very long time with it. I struggled because

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<v Speaker 1>I couldn't tell my mama. I can tell my dad,

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<v Speaker 1>I can tell my grandparents. I can tell anyone. And

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<v Speaker 1>so you gotta understand that third or fourth grader walking

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<v Speaker 1>around the world holding that secret that he did something wrong,

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<v Speaker 1>that he caused this, which to this day, I still

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<v Speaker 1>struggle with people because I had something happened, multiple things

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<v Speaker 1>not to not like this, not this didn't happen a lot,

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<v Speaker 1>but it happened one too many, and I realized the

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<v Speaker 1>damage that has caused. You talk about what you talk

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<v Speaker 1>about friends, you talk about the ying and the yang man.

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<v Speaker 1>There is no yang and a yang when you go

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<v Speaker 1>when you have these kind of trauma. I didn't realize

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<v Speaker 1>it a sexual assault or sexual abuse until I did counseling,

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<v Speaker 1>and the the counselor told me, I'm like, really, because when

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<v Speaker 1>you're hiding that kind of secret, you internalized that secret,

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<v Speaker 1>you start to believe everything that has happened you have

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<v Speaker 1>done something to cause that. I was forced at a

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<v Speaker 1>young age to have sex with a girl I didn't

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<v Speaker 1>want to. When I got up that morning, I did

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<v Speaker 1>not know that was gonna happen. But unfortunately, when I

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<v Speaker 1>went to bed, I went to bed different. I rose

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<v Speaker 1>that morning broken a piece of me giving us someone

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<v Speaker 1>else at the age that I was not prepared or

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<v Speaker 1>could psychological to physically handle it. My innocence was taken

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<v Speaker 1>away from me, and that's tough. But today I can

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<v Speaker 1>say and talk about it in a way that's freedom.

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<v Speaker 1>This podcast for me is a place where we could

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<v Speaker 1>be real. We could drop the personas and drop all

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<v Speaker 1>of what we think of people and hear their true

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<v Speaker 1>story of who they are, at their true essence, at

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<v Speaker 1>the core m I played many years in the NFL,

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<v Speaker 1>But before I even one day, before I put on

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<v Speaker 1>a pair of cleats, I've seen things as a young man.

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<v Speaker 1>I've been through things as a young man that I

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<v Speaker 1>never want my children to experience because I can see

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<v Speaker 1>the end result the closed offulness that I have towards people,

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<v Speaker 1>towards my family at times, towards the world, for a

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<v Speaker 1>very long time, towards God. Because if this God is

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<v Speaker 1>so great, how can he allow a young man to

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<v Speaker 1>go through that? But I also now see that part

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<v Speaker 1>of that is part of his plan in this purpose.

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<v Speaker 1>I really believe it because I'm living it. It ain't

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<v Speaker 1>no way, as my son Boston said, ain't no way, boy,

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<v Speaker 1>that I would be where I am today without the

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<v Speaker 1>traumas and the things that I experienced. And each year,

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<v Speaker 1>each moth, each quarter, as I do counseling, I learned

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<v Speaker 1>more and more about myself that I shouldn't have experienced.

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<v Speaker 1>But at forty two years old, I realized I got

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<v Speaker 1>some freedom in my mind. I get to finally let

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<v Speaker 1>go in my heart. Some people would, probably my wife said,

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<v Speaker 1>what was the point of that? The point is is

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<v Speaker 1>for me cut to it is our is my sanctuary.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a place of peace. But it's all the things

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<v Speaker 1>that go on off the mic, off camera that I'm

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<v Speaker 1>doing and processing through counseling. The goal I can identify

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<v Speaker 1>and I can understand, and I don't have it all together,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm not gonna act like I do. But the

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<v Speaker 1>purpose of this is we can't cut to the chase.

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<v Speaker 1>We can't cut to it if we're unwilling to do

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<v Speaker 1>what we're asking our guests to do. Very few times

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<v Speaker 1>on here I will use the name that a few

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<v Speaker 1>people are allowed to call me by Steve Smith, Sr.

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<v Speaker 1>But really, for a very long time, I did not

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<v Speaker 1>believe that I was specially and a unique person, that

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<v Speaker 1>there is no one else like me. Now I'm competent

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<v Speaker 1>and lovable Steven Latrelle Smith Sr. Just free. I appreciate

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<v Speaker 1>your listener. I hope this story gives other people an

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<v Speaker 1>opportunity to share and be open to seek help as well.

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<v Speaker 1>And things that you've dealt with her, been asked to do,

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<v Speaker 1>or you've had to do, how do you engage that's

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<v Speaker 1>not fair or as an adult that you've been manipulated

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<v Speaker 1>into doing. I appreciate your time the Steve Smith Sr.

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<v Speaker 1>You've been listening to Cut to It. You are a

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<v Speaker 1>unique person, you are well worth it, you are competent,

0:20:45.920 --> 0:20:55.320
<v Speaker 1>and most of all, you're lovable. Cut to It with

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<v Speaker 1>Steve Smith Senior. That Is Me is a production of

0:20:59.680 --> 0:21:04.520
<v Speaker 1>Cut to It LLC, Balto Creative Media, The Black Effect

0:21:04.680 --> 0:21:08.320
<v Speaker 1>and I Heart Radio. For more podcast from I Heart Radio,

0:21:08.720 --> 0:21:12.520
<v Speaker 1>visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever

0:21:12.800 --> 0:21:16.080
<v Speaker 1>you listen to your favorite shows from Cut to It.

0:21:16.720 --> 0:21:21.160
<v Speaker 1>Executive producer Steve Smith, Singer co host Gerard little John,

0:21:21.840 --> 0:21:26.280
<v Speaker 1>talent in booking manager Joe Fusci, Social media team Wesley

0:21:26.400 --> 0:21:30.359
<v Speaker 1>Robinson and John Show from Balto Creative Media. Cut to

0:21:30.480 --> 0:21:34.200
<v Speaker 1>It is produced by Brian Falka Chevitch and Meredith Carter,

0:21:34.520 --> 0:21:39.240
<v Speaker 1>with production assistance by Alex Lebrec. Production Coordinator Taylor Robinson.

0:21:39.440 --> 0:21:43.040
<v Speaker 1>Theme music by Alex Johnson, lyrics and vocals by Anthony Hamilton.

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<v Speaker 1>You ain't heard am about it, then We're about to

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<v Speaker 1>let you know it's all