Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode, Back for another topic.
Speaker 1: As we dive into the Psychology of our twenties today,
Speaker 1: we are going to be talking about such a common dilemma,
Speaker 1: I think, a universal experience for people of all ages,
Speaker 1: all of us hopeless romantics out there trying so desperately
Speaker 1: to get over someone that you cannot stop thinking about.
Speaker 1: We all know the feeling of having broken up with someone,
Speaker 1: possibly having moved on found someone new, and yet still
Speaker 1: finding those thoughts of your ex sneaking back into your
Speaker 1: mind at the most inconvenient time. Or maybe it was
Speaker 1: a past situationship that didn't work out, and despite your
Speaker 1: best interests and everything that you know, despite how horribly
Speaker 1: they may have made you feel, you simply cannot move
Speaker 1: on from them. It might even be a person that
Speaker 1: you know that you can't be with and our mind
Speaker 1: keeps going to thoughts, images, memories of these people. There
Speaker 1: are so many examples of times when our love and
Speaker 1: our obsession remains unrequited even after a relationship has ended.
Speaker 1: And I think I understand that more that I would
Speaker 1: care to admit. It feels like in those moments, your
Speaker 1: mind is almost betraying you, holding you back. It is
Speaker 1: so difficult to find the closure that we need and
Speaker 1: move forward with our lives when our brains, when our
Speaker 1: memories seem to have a different idea. And I think
Speaker 1: the thing that's even more difficult is that this can
Speaker 1: persist even when we know in our deepest of hearts
Speaker 1: and from a rational perspective, that the relationship wasn't right
Speaker 1: for us, that this is for the best. They did
Speaker 1: not treat us how we deserve to be treated. So
Speaker 1: today we are going to discuss why that is, but
Speaker 1: also what we can do about it, How to really
Speaker 1: provide yourself with the emotional and psychological closure to finally
Speaker 1: move on from that person in your past. I know
Speaker 1: personally so well how it feels to be stuck in
Speaker 1: the middle. You're no longer with this person, but you're
Speaker 1: also unable to really move on. It's kind of like
Speaker 1: emotional limbo. You know. I had an ex who I
Speaker 1: really only dated for six months, and then I spent
Speaker 1: the better half of like a year, probably even a
Speaker 1: year and a half, unable to stop considering the what ifs,
Speaker 1: wanting to reach out, wondering how he was still looking
Speaker 1: for ways for him to validate me in my existence
Speaker 1: and my successes. And it was incredibly emotionally draining, to
Speaker 1: the point that I remember being on holiday with my family,
Speaker 1: sitting on the beach and almost begging my brain to
Speaker 1: just let me go, to let me move on. Enough
Speaker 1: time had passed. I wanted to be free of the
Speaker 1: memory of this person, and I just couldn't do it.
Speaker 1: And then I went overseas and while I was there,
Speaker 1: I ran into one of their friends, someone who I
Speaker 1: had also I think, been close to whilst we were dating,
Speaker 1: and we spent a few hours, you know, talking about
Speaker 1: how our lives were going, and inevitably it moved on
Speaker 1: to a discussion about my ex and what had occurred
Speaker 1: between us, what it looked like from an outside view,
Speaker 1: and I realized that I had never really given myself
Speaker 1: psychological closure around why things had to end. When they did.
Speaker 1: The relationship was so terrible that I think my friends
Speaker 1: never had art. They never asked me to justify why
Speaker 1: I had left. They knew it was the right decision.
Speaker 1: I knew it was the right decision, but that didn't
Speaker 1: mean that I didn't also need some form of answer.
Speaker 1: And running into one of his friends provided that perspective,
Speaker 1: his perspective that I never had. After all that time,
Speaker 1: it was like I finally was able to reach a
Speaker 1: point where I could see the past for what it was.
Speaker 1: I could see that relationship for what it was. I
Speaker 1: had like one final kind of emotional breakthrough, emotional explosion,
Speaker 1: one more kind of moment of sadness, and then it
Speaker 1: was like mental catharsis. It's kind of mental catharsis I've
Speaker 1: been looking for for so long. I finally had what
Speaker 1: I needed to move on. Literally the next day, I
Speaker 1: met my boyfriend. We've been together ever since. And I'm
Speaker 1: providing this example because I think it highlights a deeper
Speaker 1: psychological reason why we can't stop thinking about someone, and
Speaker 1: that is because we lack the necessary emotional closure. Closure
Speaker 1: occurs when our brains can create a structured narrative around
Speaker 1: why something ended. And it kind of concludes a linear
Speaker 1: storyline of a relationship from beginning to end. When we
Speaker 1: lack that closure or a sense of completion, our brain
Speaker 1: remains unsure of whether it's time to actually close that chapter.
Speaker 1: It doesn't really have a place to put all of
Speaker 1: those memories, so it keeps the ending open. It wants
Speaker 1: us to keep looking for answers and reaching back into
Speaker 1: the past for clues or some final, powerful understanding. I
Speaker 1: think that is especially common when a breakup is messy,
Speaker 1: when it's unexpected, or when we never officially dated the person,
Speaker 1: because the conclusion of our time together is so much
Speaker 1: more open ended. You have a lot more unfinished business,
Speaker 1: and there are so many more what ifs. What if
Speaker 1: they had told me how they really felt, What if
Speaker 1: we had been exclusive, what if they'd given me a chance.
Speaker 1: Those hypotheticals are difficult to move past because unfortunately you
Speaker 1: will never find the answers, so you kind of have
Speaker 1: to be comfortable with not having a solid conclusion. I
Speaker 1: think this psychological need for closure can explain why some
Speaker 1: people can be in like a five year relationship and
Speaker 1: not blink an eye at their breakup, but the end
Speaker 1: of a three month situationship kind of sends them into
Speaker 1: a spiral. At least in the five year relationship, you
Speaker 1: gave it a go, you let the relationship kind of
Speaker 1: reach its natural expiry date. So it's not about how
Speaker 1: much time that you've spent together. That is not kind
Speaker 1: of the only way to validate how you're feeling. It's
Speaker 1: more about your search and innate need for answers in
Speaker 1: order to cope with the broader emotional and psychological pain
Speaker 1: that we are experiencing. Just because you are not with
Speaker 1: that person for a long time, just because maybe you
Speaker 1: never had a label, doesn't mean that you need to
Speaker 1: feel guilty for not being able to stop thinking about them.
Speaker 1: There are certain people who are also just less tolerant
Speaker 1: of the ambiguity and the confusion we often experience at
Speaker 1: the end of a relationship or when something appears over
Speaker 1: One study found that people who prefer order and predictability
Speaker 1: and are also quite intellectual, they struggle when they are
Speaker 1: unable to find answers to help them move on. I
Speaker 1: think these kinds of individuals, and maybe I'm describing you
Speaker 1: right now, they are so used to being able to
Speaker 1: provide themselves with all the answers in that situation that
Speaker 1: when they cannot problem solve or justify what they're going through,
Speaker 1: they experience a lot of additional stress. Further studies have
Speaker 1: also shown that this closure is also a lot harder
Speaker 1: to come by if you're particularly sentimental and sensitive. Perhaps
Speaker 1: you're someone who finds that you spend a lot of
Speaker 1: time in your own head daydreaming, thinking about the past,
Speaker 1: and I think whilst nostalgia and feeling your emotions very
Speaker 1: deeply is a beautiful thing, it also makes you more
Speaker 1: prone not only to a dangerous level of reminiscing, but
Speaker 1: additionally the subsequent discovery of more questions that you're never
Speaker 1: going to get the answers to. A big misconception or
Speaker 1: a trap that I think a lot of us fall
Speaker 1: into is believing that our exes or this person that
Speaker 1: we're stuck in a mental loop over is going to
Speaker 1: be able to provide you the closure that you need.
Speaker 1: Rarely is that the case. I really believe that someone
Speaker 1: who has caused your pain is not going to be
Speaker 1: able to fix it. Additionally, they might not even have
Speaker 1: the answers themselves. They may be just as confused as
Speaker 1: you are, but they were just more motivated to kind
Speaker 1: of pull the trigger. And I think when we are
Speaker 1: in these situations, there is rarely, if not ever, going
Speaker 1: to be an answer that is fully satisfying. You might
Speaker 1: feel this tendency to like reach out to them and
Speaker 1: be like, I need to talk to them one more time,
Speaker 1: we need to get coffee one more time. I need closure.
Speaker 1: That person is not going to give you closure. So
Speaker 1: you kind of have to write the end of this
Speaker 1: story yourself, and you have to provide yourself with that conclusion.
Speaker 1: So what I always recommend is to write this person
Speaker 1: kind of a final letter, thanking them, being honest about
Speaker 1: how you've felt and telling them why you need to
Speaker 1: move on now while you are finally deciding to let
Speaker 1: them go. Don't send it to them. That is crucial.
Speaker 1: Do not send them this letter. This is an exercise
Speaker 1: simply for you to provide your own brain with the
Speaker 1: end of the story and let it rest. It also
Speaker 1: helps to kind of do a purge of all the
Speaker 1: things that remind you of them, a scrub of the camera, roll,
Speaker 1: a spring clean. I used to make a box of
Speaker 1: everything that felt significant to me about that person, everything
Speaker 1: that kind of was a reminder of them. And I
Speaker 1: want to remove all of those reminders, because I think
Speaker 1: sometimes out of sight really does mean out of mind.
Speaker 1: You also need to continue to focus on all the
Speaker 1: reasons why this was the best, why this needed to happen,
Speaker 1: why this was the best thing that could happen to you,
Speaker 1: rather than all of those what ifs and all those possibilities.
Speaker 1: That relates to another reason why we can't stop thinking
Speaker 1: about someone from the past, and that is because of
Speaker 1: this concept called the Pollyanna principle. So in psychology, the
Speaker 1: Pollyanna principle is basically a positive cognitive bias in which
Speaker 1: we tend to remember the good times more clearly than
Speaker 1: the bad, and so we fixate on them romanticize the
Speaker 1: past as a way to protect ourselves from some of
Speaker 1: those negative memories that might injure our optimism or our
Speaker 1: self esteem. Therefore, we engage in what we call selective
Speaker 1: recall when we think about our ex or some unrequited love. Normally,
Speaker 1: all we can remember is what made them special? Are
Speaker 1: the moments where you felt happy, when you had higher expectations,
Speaker 1: and all the other things, the unanswered messages, the lack
Speaker 1: of effort, the unhappiness that is left out of your memory.
Speaker 1: So I think when we are in that place, it's
Speaker 1: no wonder we can't move on because we are constantly
Speaker 1: seeing someone through these kind of rose colored lenses, despite
Speaker 1: our best intentions, but romanticizing the past, even if it
Speaker 1: feels good in the moment to reflect, even if we
Speaker 1: know we are in some ways enjoying the pain, it
Speaker 1: elongates that moving on process. That final point really fascinates
Speaker 1: me because there have definitely been times in the past
Speaker 1: when I've enjoyed reveling in the pain. It made me
Speaker 1: feel human to be hurt, to experience longing and grief.
Speaker 1: But really what I was doing was keeping myself stuck
Speaker 1: in my attachment to this other person. They continue to
Speaker 1: have control over how I felt about myself and my life,
Speaker 1: And in those moments where I was revisiting the past,
Speaker 1: what I was really doing was trying to prevent myself
Speaker 1: from feeling like I'd lost that person. If I thought
Speaker 1: about them, if I remembered them, if I had them
Speaker 1: in my memory in my mind, that meant that what
Speaker 1: we had was real and that I didn't have to
Speaker 1: move on quite yet. Some part of that is also
Speaker 1: very neurological and biological, kind of operates beyond a level
Speaker 1: of of conscious control. There have been quite a few
Speaker 1: researchers in the past decade that have suggested that your
Speaker 1: inability to move forward from a past relationship in particular
Speaker 1: or a love interest is really due to principles of addiction.
Speaker 1: The very same mechanisms that keep us addicted to gambling
Speaker 1: or nicotine or alcohol keep us addicted to certain people.
Speaker 1: Relationships just naturally create a lot of bonding experiences, and
Speaker 1: that really kind of emotionally cements our trust and our
Speaker 1: connection to someone because when we are bonded to someone,
Speaker 1: that brings a huge flood of neurotransmitters like dopamine oxytocin.
Speaker 1: These are associated with that really euphoric high that accompanies
Speaker 1: a lot of the early days. This affects the brain.
Speaker 1: These neurotransmitters affect the brain in the same way that
Speaker 1: drugs like painkillers do, in citing almost like an emotional
Speaker 1: and a physical dependence on this feeling. So when a
Speaker 1: relationship is over, it can feel very similar to kind
Speaker 1: of a drug withdrawal, because our dopamine and the pleasure
Speaker 1: centers have become almost addicted to the sensations that this
Speaker 1: person brings. This explains why a lot of us continue
Speaker 1: chasing that feeling. We refuse to move on. We want
Speaker 1: to keep texting them, we want to keep seeing them,
Speaker 1: Revisiting all those memories of an ex. Maintaining that link
Speaker 1: to them gives us those small spikes of those addictive neurotransmitters,
Speaker 1: but in a low dosage, So it just continues to
Speaker 1: keep us addicted, keeps us attached, unable to stop going back.
Speaker 1: I think when you begin to understand it and think
Speaker 1: about it in that way, it really makes a lot
Speaker 1: more sense why we cannot stop thinking about these people.
Speaker 1: It has nothing to do do with your level of
Speaker 1: self discipline, It has nothing to do with your desire
Speaker 1: to move on or not move on. It is our
Speaker 1: brain demanding that we do anything possible to lessen our
Speaker 1: emotional and our physical withdrawal. There are a few other
Speaker 1: reasons I want to mention besides obviously ideas of addiction,
Speaker 1: ideas of cognitive biases, all of those, and a major
Speaker 1: one is to do with loneliness and dissatisfaction in other
Speaker 1: areas of your life. So, when you are reminiscing over
Speaker 1: this person, that might actually be what we would call
Speaker 1: a projection or a displacement of deeper unhappiness. It's this
Speaker 1: idea that by assigning blame for your emotional unhappiness to
Speaker 1: your ex, you don't have to really investigate what it
Speaker 1: really might be. You can blame it all on this
Speaker 1: past relationship. You can hyper fixate on this person as
Speaker 1: being a turning point for you, the moment that everything
Speaker 1: turned bad, or also on the flip side, believing that
Speaker 1: them being in your life will make it better. Obviously,
Speaker 1: that is not correct. That's delusional thinking, because we don't
Speaker 1: always have the rationality to understand that our emotional distress
Speaker 1: is probably coming from a much deeper place. It's not
Speaker 1: always to do with the end of a relationship, although
Speaker 1: it might be. Sometimes it's because it has caused so
Speaker 1: much stress and anxiety and so much change that the
Speaker 1: only thing that we can seek comfort in is previous
Speaker 1: memories of this person, back at a time when we
Speaker 1: do you know, we did really feel secure, We did
Speaker 1: feel like there was a future. If you have an
Speaker 1: anxious attachment style as well, losing someone or finding that
Speaker 1: they have left your life or feeling like they have
Speaker 1: abandoned you is also an enormous trigger or fear, as
Speaker 1: is the possibility of it happening again, So you closely
Speaker 1: re examine the relationship, the situation for errors or moments
Speaker 1: where things could have gone differently. And that is why
Speaker 1: you cannot stop thinking about them, because you're using your
Speaker 1: kind of pattern of reminiscing to protect you from future failure.
Speaker 1: But it's actually having the opposite effect of keeping you
Speaker 1: attached so someone you really should be with. And finally,
Speaker 1: I think, and this is a conclusion that a lot
Speaker 1: of us mistakenly make and mistakenly reach, the reason we
Speaker 1: think that we can't stop thinking about someone or obsessing
Speaker 1: over them is because we are meant to be with
Speaker 1: this person. That is something that I think a lot
Speaker 1: of us find ourselves stuck in. We see it as
Speaker 1: some like more meaningful sign from the universe or some
Speaker 1: higher power that we shouldn't give up quite yet, that
Speaker 1: there is still a future. That is why they are
Speaker 1: still on our minds. It is some kind of deeper sign. Now,
Speaker 1: I will say, sometimes that is the case you do
Speaker 1: get back together with someone that you can't stop thinking about.
Speaker 1: But there is also absolutely no scientific reason to associate
Speaker 1: overthinking a past relationship and future compatibility or an eventual reunion.
Speaker 1: That is unfortunately a bit of a fallacy, and the
Speaker 1: chances are that if the relationship didn't work in the
Speaker 1: first place, there was a reason for that, a really valid,
Speaker 1: important reason, and you're forgetting those reasons, firstly because of
Speaker 1: that kind of positive cognitive bias, but also because you
Speaker 1: are distracted by all the other emotions you are trying
Speaker 1: to navigate, but also that you are trying to avoid.
Speaker 1: No one likes feeling grief or loneliness or confusion or rejection.
Speaker 1: So we think that the easiest way to get rid
Speaker 1: of those feelings is to get back with that person
Speaker 1: or find some reason, some hidden explanation behind why this
Speaker 1: had to happen. Those are some of the reasons why
Speaker 1: you cannot stop thinking about someone. But also I think
Speaker 1: it's important obviously to talk about how we can progress
Speaker 1: into our healing stage, how we can finally choose to
Speaker 1: move on. What can you do to stop overthinking this
Speaker 1: past relationship or this moment in time that you shared
Speaker 1: with someone. So we are going to of course talk
Speaker 1: about all of that and more after this shortbreak. The
Speaker 1: trick to getting over someone that you can't stop thinking
Speaker 1: about is to detach physically, mentally, socially, and emotionally as
Speaker 1: much as you possibly can. You need to symbolically kind
Speaker 1: of cut that tie, that line that is continuing to
Speaker 1: connect you to that person. Firstly, that means providing yourself
Speaker 1: with space, not seeing this person for at least at
Speaker 1: least a few weeks or more if possible. Sometimes we
Speaker 1: know that someone is bad for us, does not deserve us,
Speaker 1: does not see our value. We know that we should
Speaker 1: cut them off, and yet we are drawn back, almost involuntarily,
Speaker 1: to be around them, to seek out their comfort, their support,
Speaker 1: their company, but also their validation. If this person in
Speaker 1: particular has made you feel like you are not deserving, now,
Speaker 1: all you are going to want from them, or you're
Speaker 1: going to crave from them, is their praise and their
Speaker 1: affirmation that you are a valuable person. But I think
Speaker 1: in those moments, you aren't doing yourself any favors. And
Speaker 1: that doesn't just mean meeting up with them or seeing
Speaker 1: them physically, but also keeping yourself attached and in some
Speaker 1: ways addicted by texting or calling, or sharing funny reels
Speaker 1: on TikTok or Instagram. If you are seriously committed to
Speaker 1: moving on from this person. The hard truth is that
Speaker 1: you need to go no contact. If you have already
Speaker 1: done this, skip about three minutes ahead because we're going
Speaker 1: to talk about it for a second. But essentially no contact,
Speaker 1: and I think we have some idea of what that means.
Speaker 1: It involves cutting off all communication with this person for
Speaker 1: a good period of time. There is a genuine science
Speaker 1: and psychology that shows that this is a very effective
Speaker 1: and possibly the fastest way to truly move on. The
Speaker 1: reason why is because no contact kind of provides almost
Speaker 1: a detox from those feel good hormones and neurotransmitters that
Speaker 1: initially bonded you to that person. By removing them, it
Speaker 1: removes the source of these chemicals. It removes the trigger
Speaker 1: or the stimuli, and it is those chemicals that have
Speaker 1: kept you in a situation where you are seeing them
Speaker 1: through rose tinted glasses. So by providing that detox, it
Speaker 1: allows you to more clearly see who this person actually is,
Speaker 1: why this didn't work out, perhaps why you are going
Speaker 1: to be much happier without them, because it is removing
Speaker 1: you from what are these very confusing biological feelings and
Speaker 1: keeping you in the state we want to reach out.
Speaker 1: No contact also has the added benefit of really showing
Speaker 1: you and I guess this other person that you are done.
Speaker 1: It is a clear break, so it provides that much
Speaker 1: needed conclusion to the story we were talking about before.
Speaker 1: It provides us with the closure that a lot of
Speaker 1: us really are desperately seeking. So I'm not going to
Speaker 1: sugarcoat it. I think that's unfair. No contact is really
Speaker 1: difficult because you have most certainly become to rely on
Speaker 1: this person for something in your life. And it's also
Speaker 1: really difficult when perhaps you share mutual friends or a
Speaker 1: friend group or whatnot. Sometimes it is inevitable that you
Speaker 1: won't be able to avoid them, that you will have
Speaker 1: to see them. But I do think you should give
Speaker 1: it your best go. I believe that sometimes hard things
Speaker 1: like this process of detachment, hard decisions like choosing to
Speaker 1: ensure that this person is no longer part of your life,
Speaker 1: even if you desperately want them to be, it is
Speaker 1: worth it for a better long term outcome, and I
Speaker 1: think no contact provides that outcome. You do not want
Speaker 1: to be looking back in six months being like, Wow,
Speaker 1: that was six months of healing that I could have
Speaker 1: already done. That is six months of time of energy
Speaker 1: that I could have not wasted on this person, and
Speaker 1: I would be so much further along in my healing journey.
Speaker 1: You're at that point right now where you can decide
Speaker 1: what the next two months, three months, six months is
Speaker 1: going to look like for you. Do you want to
Speaker 1: continue to be attached to this individual or do you
Speaker 1: want to move towards kind of emotional freedom. You also
Speaker 1: cannot be friends immediately right off the bat. Some people
Speaker 1: may argue that you can never be friends. I think
Speaker 1: obviously it's a case by case basis. But if you
Speaker 1: immediately try to pivot the nature of your relationship from
Speaker 1: something romantic to something platonic, it is going to be
Speaker 1: confusing because you haven't provided yourself with the time in
Speaker 1: between to really not just grieve, but acknowledge that this
Speaker 1: person may no longer be what they once were to you.
Speaker 1: You might continue to seek out the same forms of
Speaker 1: intimacy from them. You might go back and try and
Speaker 1: replicate that relationship with them again. You need space, you
Speaker 1: need time, You need distance if you are going to
Speaker 1: be this person, if that is something that you want,
Speaker 1: and a lot of the times, once we give ourselves
Speaker 1: that space, we realize that we actually don't want this
Speaker 1: person in our life anymore. That was just us feeling
Speaker 1: bonded and connected chemically and emotionally and through our memories.
Speaker 1: The place that we're in now does not have room
Speaker 1: for them. And I think that's a I think that
Speaker 1: is actually an incredibly common experience. Once you give yourself
Speaker 1: time and space and distance, you realize that you actually
Speaker 1: don't even want this person in your life anymore. If
Speaker 1: you're in that stage of instituting no contact and finding
Speaker 1: it difficult, that is understandable. I think setting personal goals
Speaker 1: or milestones for going no contact is really really helpful.
Speaker 1: I used to make it a challenge for myself. I
Speaker 1: would tell myself to just hold off one more day
Speaker 1: and then I could text them, And then the next
Speaker 1: day I would say, Okay, well that's what's another twenty
Speaker 1: four hours here, and the grand scheme of things, you know,
Speaker 1: day by day, it's a lot easier to do that.
Speaker 1: I knew it would get easier, because it's like this
Speaker 1: invisible string that kept us connected was slowly becoming weaker,
Speaker 1: was becoming fraid and with time, the more I didn't respond,
Speaker 1: the more I felt that the urge was going down.
Speaker 1: Something else that helped me in the past was to
Speaker 1: break away from the positive reminiscing by reminding myself why
Speaker 1: the relationship with this person was not right. To do this,
Speaker 1: I like to use these visualization techniques that relied upon
Speaker 1: a lot in different therapeutic practices. What you're going to
Speaker 1: do is mentally project yourself into the future. I want
Speaker 1: you to imagine yourself in five years. What are you
Speaker 1: looking like, what are you wearing, what's your hair looking like?
Speaker 1: And then imagine this person standing next to you. Imagine
Speaker 1: spending the rest of your days with them. Imagine raising
Speaker 1: kids with this person. Imagine cell breading every major life
Speaker 1: event with them. Would that really have been fulfilling? Would
Speaker 1: they have really given you the attention that you deserved
Speaker 1: on those days? Focus on their irritating behaviors, the things
Speaker 1: that you would complain about to your friends, the attention
Speaker 1: they didn't give you, the dates they didn't take you on,
Speaker 1: the love they didn't show you, and you begin to
Speaker 1: realize that perhaps the ending of that relationship, of that connection,
Speaker 1: whatever it was, was one of the biggest blessings that
Speaker 1: you could have received, even if right now you are
Speaker 1: somewhat in the trenches. Part of that is also choosing
Speaker 1: to prioritize thinking about what the end of this relationship
Speaker 1: has brought you rather than what it has cost you.
Speaker 1: For example, what are the upsides from no longer having
Speaker 1: this person in your life? Every time you miss them,
Speaker 1: think about how you now have more time for yourself.
Speaker 1: You always get to watch what you want on TV.
Speaker 1: You get to spend your afternoons, your evenings to do
Speaker 1: whatever you would like. Every time you think about those
Speaker 1: fond memories, think about all those new memories that you
Speaker 1: are one day going to make with someone else. The
Speaker 1: quality time that you are going to get to have
Speaker 1: with your friends, the emotional clarity that you are going
Speaker 1: to get from this experience, and really start to invest
Speaker 1: in parts of yourself that this person has no idea about.
Speaker 1: Sometimes the reason we find it so difficult to emotionally
Speaker 1: detach is because we feel as if a huge part
Speaker 1: of our identity or who we are or who we
Speaker 1: were in the past has become intertwined with this other person.
Speaker 1: They might know everything about us, or maybe we've shared
Speaker 1: so much information with them, so much vulnerability, that now
Speaker 1: we can't imagine a future without them in it. You
Speaker 1: really need to start investing in that new version of
Speaker 1: yourself that is untouched by this person. That includes new hobbies,
Speaker 1: new friends, new routines, new values, new priorities. Refresh your
Speaker 1: environment as well. Buy some new artwork, find some new
Speaker 1: music to listen to, dance, fill up that schedule. The
Speaker 1: ending of this relationship is the beginning of your next chapter.
Speaker 1: Imagine meeting up with them in six months and being
Speaker 1: able to say, you know, I've taken that time to
Speaker 1: transform myself. That person that you used to know, that
Speaker 1: you used to have emotional control over, who was obsessed
Speaker 1: with you, they are gone. They are completely different. Now
Speaker 1: this is the new version of me. You know, when
Speaker 1: I went through like my first big breakup a few
Speaker 1: years back, I got really into pottery class. I was
Speaker 1: pouring kind of all my grief and my pain into
Speaker 1: creating something special. The next time, I got really into running,
Speaker 1: And then of course this podcast came out of a breakup.
Speaker 1: This was my citation, This was my healing space. And
Speaker 1: I do really believe that we all need a version
Speaker 1: of this when we are trying to move on from someone.
Speaker 1: By choosing to invest in yourself, it is a profound
Speaker 1: reclaiming of their self. A reclaiming of your independence. You
Speaker 1: are someone without this person, You are someone without their validation.
Speaker 1: You exist as a brilliant, bright light, a brilliant, beautiful person,
Speaker 1: even if they are not there to see it, and
Speaker 1: you get to make yourself even better. You get to
Speaker 1: just absolutely excel and just be devoted to becoming the
Speaker 1: best version of yourself. That is an important reminder. I
Speaker 1: also think it's important to remember that you need to
Speaker 1: take what you need from the end of that relationship,
Speaker 1: whether that is a better understanding of who you are,
Speaker 1: of what you deserve, what you want in the future.
Speaker 1: Spell out what it is that this taught you. What
Speaker 1: are some of the bests of having loved and maybe
Speaker 1: lost You definitely took something from this, Identify it, what
Speaker 1: is it, and then spell out what you want and
Speaker 1: need and deserve in the future, even if you don't
Speaker 1: really feel ready to go looking for that yet. I
Speaker 1: think that really brings me to my next tip, take
Speaker 1: your time before moving on. A lot of us had
Speaker 1: this really intense instinct or urge to find a rebound
Speaker 1: as soon as our previous relationship is over, or if
Speaker 1: we've been kind of left rejected or aimless to find
Speaker 1: someone else to fill that void. That is a short
Speaker 1: term fix. It simply takes up the space left by
Speaker 1: the previous person, and it is a distraction rather than
Speaker 1: a deeper solution. They conducted a study on this a
Speaker 1: few years ago called Too Fast, Too Soon, an Empirical
Speaker 1: Investigation into rebound relationships, and what they concluded is that
Speaker 1: a lot of rebound dating is actually quite reactive and
Speaker 1: done in response to the residual emotions from a lost love.
Speaker 1: Most of the people who talked about having a rebound
Speaker 1: it actually left them feeling more emotionally raw. It left
Speaker 1: them feeling like they were thinking about their ex for
Speaker 1: longer than the average person. And it also triggers you
Speaker 1: to keep going back to those memories because you are
Speaker 1: probably experiencing a lot of those a lot of the
Speaker 1: same things that are activating previous memory pathways. For example,
Speaker 1: you might be going to the same date locations, you
Speaker 1: are probably in the same environment, you are talking about
Speaker 1: the same things. You're experiencing intimacy, just with a new person,
Speaker 1: and sometimes that means that this person is really almost
Speaker 1: just like a proxy, a fake version of the person
Speaker 1: that we really want to be with. I don't think
Speaker 1: it's helpful, helpful to us. I don't think it's helpful
Speaker 1: to anyone else. Instead, you need to learn that you
Speaker 1: don't need to be afraid of your thoughts. Just because
Speaker 1: you are thinking about your ex doesn't mean that they
Speaker 1: were the one. It is not a sign that you
Speaker 1: should get back together. It's not a sign that you
Speaker 1: haven't healed either. It's just your brain kind of short
Speaker 1: circuiting looking for that ending. So approach it with neutrality.
Speaker 1: Of course you miss them, you felt connected, they were
Speaker 1: a part of your life. Maybe things ended in a
Speaker 1: way that was not satisfying. All of those statements can
Speaker 1: be true, but we don't need to be emotionally invested
Speaker 1: in them. And remember above all else, time is the
Speaker 1: universal healer. Time will pass, although your healing won't be linear. Neurologically,
Speaker 1: your brain cannot be in this amount of pain forever.
Speaker 1: Your brain cannot stay in these memories forever. It cannot
Speaker 1: sustain that kind of emotional burden, so it will exhaust itself.
Speaker 1: Everything in life is really temporary, including this feeling. And
Speaker 1: I promise you that in a year's time, maybe you'll
Speaker 1: be searching back through this podcast and you'll find this
Speaker 1: episode and be like, WHOA, I no longer relate to
Speaker 1: this I am over this person. I'm free. So I'm
Speaker 1: going to give you a final rapid fire list of
Speaker 1: tips to stop thinking about someone you cannot get over.
Speaker 1: You need to read some good old self help books
Speaker 1: and fiction books to refocus yourself in those moments where
Speaker 1: your feeling stuck overwhelmed. Some really good ones are What
Speaker 1: a Time to Be Alone by Tudera Egaru. I also
Speaker 1: just read this book called Cleopatra and Frankenstein. It honestly
Speaker 1: allowed me to like romanticize every breakup I've ever had
Speaker 1: in my twenties. It was a really good read. This
Speaker 1: Is How You Heal is another one, all about love
Speaker 1: by Belle Hook's Essentials. Secondly, show yourself the love that
Speaker 1: you expect from others. There has been such a huge
Speaker 1: discussion about love languages recently, and I think where we
Speaker 1: go wrong is thinking that we can only express and
Speaker 1: receive our love languages, whether that's words of affirmation, physical touch,
Speaker 1: acts of service from other people. You can show yourself
Speaker 1: the love you feel you deserve from others, and I
Speaker 1: think that's important to do during these times. You can
Speaker 1: speak kindly to yourself, you can buy yourself little gifts.
Speaker 1: You can give yourself a big hug, take yourself on dates,
Speaker 1: make your bed in the morning so that your future
Speaker 1: self feels less stressed at the end of the day.
Speaker 1: Show yourself the love that you have come to expect
Speaker 1: from others. Don't suffer alone as well. Your friends want
Speaker 1: to support you. They want to hear about it. Trust me,
Speaker 1: I think a problem spoken out loud is a problem halved.
Speaker 1: Do not text this post when you are drunk. That
Speaker 1: is the very definition of two steps forward three steps back.
Speaker 1: You will feel embarrassed, you will undo your progress. If
Speaker 1: you have gone no contact. Hopefully there will be absolutely
Speaker 1: no risk of this happening. But please make sure you
Speaker 1: have a guardian or like a drunk guardian. Do not
Speaker 1: text this person no matter how much you want to.
Speaker 1: And if you can, go for a trip to kind
Speaker 1: of jelt yourself out of your funk, and if you
Speaker 1: can't do that, make a bit of a personal bucket
Speaker 1: list for places you kind of want to go in
Speaker 1: your local area of small things that you want to
Speaker 1: do alone in the next few months. Part of moving
Speaker 1: on from someone you can't stop thinking about is recognizing
Speaker 1: that your own company is actually amazing, and you can
Speaker 1: have such a good time by yourself, but you're also
Speaker 1: not alone. There will be other people. There will be
Speaker 1: future loves, and not just like romantic love, but new friendships,
Speaker 1: people who are going to come into your life so unexpectedly,
Speaker 1: new memories. The best day of your life is yet
Speaker 1: to come. That is something I always like to remind
Speaker 1: myself when I'm stuck in a thought spiral about someone
Speaker 1: that I don't want to be thinking about. So I
Speaker 1: really hope that these tips have helped you. I really
Speaker 1: do understand and I empathize a lot with where you're
Speaker 1: at right now. But speaking as someone who has been
Speaker 1: in those points of desperation where I just really wanted
Speaker 1: this person out of my mind, out of my life,
Speaker 1: out of my head, it will happen. You will heal,
Speaker 1: time will move forward, and one day you will wake
Speaker 1: up and realize that they really don't matter anymore. They
Speaker 1: really don't matter anymore. They were just a kind of
Speaker 1: secondary character in your main, main character story. So thank
Speaker 1: you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode.
Speaker 1: I hope you got something out of it. As always,
Speaker 1: if there was someone who needs to hear this episode.
Speaker 1: Maybe you have a friend going through something similar. Please
Speaker 1: feel free to share it along and share the love.
Speaker 1: If you enjoyed the episode as well, please feel free
Speaker 1: to give it a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,
Speaker 1: I don't know where you're listening. Wherever you're listening right
Speaker 1: now and hit follow if you want to see future
Speaker 1: episodes live on your page. Thank you again for listening.
Speaker 1: Follow us along at that Psychology podcast as well. If
Speaker 1: you have an episode suggestion, my inbox is open. We
Speaker 1: are taking suggestions at the moment, or if you just
Speaker 1: want to see some more behind the scenes content, video
Speaker 1: clips and whatnot. I'm rooting for you. I promise it's
Speaker 1: gonna get better. You will get over this person. Hopefully
Speaker 1: this has gotten you one step further to that point.
Speaker 1: We will be back next week with another episode.