1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,040 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:30,280 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,960 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:36,159 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode, Back for another topic. 8 00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:40,720 Speaker 1: As we dive into the Psychology of our twenties today, 9 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:45,120 Speaker 1: we are going to be talking about such a common dilemma, 10 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,519 Speaker 1: I think, a universal experience for people of all ages, 11 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:53,360 Speaker 1: all of us hopeless romantics out there trying so desperately 12 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:57,920 Speaker 1: to get over someone that you cannot stop thinking about. 13 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:02,320 Speaker 1: We all know the feeling of having broken up with someone, 14 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:06,039 Speaker 1: possibly having moved on found someone new, and yet still 15 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:10,160 Speaker 1: finding those thoughts of your ex sneaking back into your 16 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:13,760 Speaker 1: mind at the most inconvenient time. Or maybe it was 17 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:17,400 Speaker 1: a past situationship that didn't work out, and despite your 18 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:21,240 Speaker 1: best interests and everything that you know, despite how horribly 19 00:01:21,319 --> 00:01:25,200 Speaker 1: they may have made you feel, you simply cannot move 20 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,480 Speaker 1: on from them. It might even be a person that 21 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,639 Speaker 1: you know that you can't be with and our mind 22 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:34,880 Speaker 1: keeps going to thoughts, images, memories of these people. There 23 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:38,440 Speaker 1: are so many examples of times when our love and 24 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:43,080 Speaker 1: our obsession remains unrequited even after a relationship has ended. 25 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:46,399 Speaker 1: And I think I understand that more that I would 26 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:50,200 Speaker 1: care to admit. It feels like in those moments, your 27 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:54,240 Speaker 1: mind is almost betraying you, holding you back. It is 28 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:58,960 Speaker 1: so difficult to find the closure that we need and 29 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:03,040 Speaker 1: move forward with our lives when our brains, when our 30 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,400 Speaker 1: memories seem to have a different idea. And I think 31 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:09,240 Speaker 1: the thing that's even more difficult is that this can 32 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:12,160 Speaker 1: persist even when we know in our deepest of hearts 33 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:16,079 Speaker 1: and from a rational perspective, that the relationship wasn't right 34 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:17,919 Speaker 1: for us, that this is for the best. They did 35 00:02:17,919 --> 00:02:20,480 Speaker 1: not treat us how we deserve to be treated. So 36 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:24,160 Speaker 1: today we are going to discuss why that is, but 37 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:26,679 Speaker 1: also what we can do about it, How to really 38 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:32,239 Speaker 1: provide yourself with the emotional and psychological closure to finally 39 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:35,720 Speaker 1: move on from that person in your past. I know 40 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:38,480 Speaker 1: personally so well how it feels to be stuck in 41 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:41,120 Speaker 1: the middle. You're no longer with this person, but you're 42 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:44,440 Speaker 1: also unable to really move on. It's kind of like 43 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:48,120 Speaker 1: emotional limbo. You know. I had an ex who I 44 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:51,040 Speaker 1: really only dated for six months, and then I spent 45 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:54,040 Speaker 1: the better half of like a year, probably even a 46 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:59,239 Speaker 1: year and a half, unable to stop considering the what ifs, 47 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:03,680 Speaker 1: wanting to reach out, wondering how he was still looking 48 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:07,040 Speaker 1: for ways for him to validate me in my existence 49 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:10,760 Speaker 1: and my successes. And it was incredibly emotionally draining, to 50 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:14,720 Speaker 1: the point that I remember being on holiday with my family, 51 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:19,080 Speaker 1: sitting on the beach and almost begging my brain to 52 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,400 Speaker 1: just let me go, to let me move on. Enough 53 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:25,360 Speaker 1: time had passed. I wanted to be free of the 54 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:28,160 Speaker 1: memory of this person, and I just couldn't do it. 55 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,960 Speaker 1: And then I went overseas and while I was there, 56 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:34,480 Speaker 1: I ran into one of their friends, someone who I 57 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,120 Speaker 1: had also I think, been close to whilst we were dating, 58 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,840 Speaker 1: and we spent a few hours, you know, talking about 59 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,920 Speaker 1: how our lives were going, and inevitably it moved on 60 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:46,200 Speaker 1: to a discussion about my ex and what had occurred 61 00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:51,040 Speaker 1: between us, what it looked like from an outside view, 62 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:55,880 Speaker 1: and I realized that I had never really given myself 63 00:03:56,360 --> 00:04:00,680 Speaker 1: psychological closure around why things had to end. When they did. 64 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:05,040 Speaker 1: The relationship was so terrible that I think my friends 65 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:08,080 Speaker 1: never had art. They never asked me to justify why 66 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,320 Speaker 1: I had left. They knew it was the right decision. 67 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,880 Speaker 1: I knew it was the right decision, but that didn't 68 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,600 Speaker 1: mean that I didn't also need some form of answer. 69 00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:19,520 Speaker 1: And running into one of his friends provided that perspective, 70 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:22,960 Speaker 1: his perspective that I never had. After all that time, 71 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,800 Speaker 1: it was like I finally was able to reach a 72 00:04:26,839 --> 00:04:29,800 Speaker 1: point where I could see the past for what it was. 73 00:04:29,839 --> 00:04:32,039 Speaker 1: I could see that relationship for what it was. I 74 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:36,760 Speaker 1: had like one final kind of emotional breakthrough, emotional explosion, 75 00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:40,040 Speaker 1: one more kind of moment of sadness, and then it 76 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:43,480 Speaker 1: was like mental catharsis. It's kind of mental catharsis I've 77 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:46,279 Speaker 1: been looking for for so long. I finally had what 78 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:49,320 Speaker 1: I needed to move on. Literally the next day, I 79 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:53,040 Speaker 1: met my boyfriend. We've been together ever since. And I'm 80 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:56,640 Speaker 1: providing this example because I think it highlights a deeper 81 00:04:56,720 --> 00:05:01,400 Speaker 1: psychological reason why we can't stop thinking about someone, and 82 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:06,279 Speaker 1: that is because we lack the necessary emotional closure. Closure 83 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:11,080 Speaker 1: occurs when our brains can create a structured narrative around 84 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:14,680 Speaker 1: why something ended. And it kind of concludes a linear 85 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:18,720 Speaker 1: storyline of a relationship from beginning to end. When we 86 00:05:18,839 --> 00:05:24,080 Speaker 1: lack that closure or a sense of completion, our brain 87 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:28,200 Speaker 1: remains unsure of whether it's time to actually close that chapter. 88 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:31,640 Speaker 1: It doesn't really have a place to put all of 89 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:34,880 Speaker 1: those memories, so it keeps the ending open. It wants 90 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,560 Speaker 1: us to keep looking for answers and reaching back into 91 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:42,400 Speaker 1: the past for clues or some final, powerful understanding. I 92 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:46,240 Speaker 1: think that is especially common when a breakup is messy, 93 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:51,560 Speaker 1: when it's unexpected, or when we never officially dated the person, 94 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:56,120 Speaker 1: because the conclusion of our time together is so much 95 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:59,760 Speaker 1: more open ended. You have a lot more unfinished business, 96 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,200 Speaker 1: and there are so many more what ifs. What if 97 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,800 Speaker 1: they had told me how they really felt, What if 98 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,000 Speaker 1: we had been exclusive, what if they'd given me a chance. 99 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:14,279 Speaker 1: Those hypotheticals are difficult to move past because unfortunately you 100 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:17,919 Speaker 1: will never find the answers, so you kind of have 101 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:22,360 Speaker 1: to be comfortable with not having a solid conclusion. I 102 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:27,400 Speaker 1: think this psychological need for closure can explain why some 103 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:30,400 Speaker 1: people can be in like a five year relationship and 104 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:33,040 Speaker 1: not blink an eye at their breakup, but the end 105 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:35,839 Speaker 1: of a three month situationship kind of sends them into 106 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,640 Speaker 1: a spiral. At least in the five year relationship, you 107 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:41,440 Speaker 1: gave it a go, you let the relationship kind of 108 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:45,040 Speaker 1: reach its natural expiry date. So it's not about how 109 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,400 Speaker 1: much time that you've spent together. That is not kind 110 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,920 Speaker 1: of the only way to validate how you're feeling. It's 111 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:54,400 Speaker 1: more about your search and innate need for answers in 112 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:57,560 Speaker 1: order to cope with the broader emotional and psychological pain 113 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,840 Speaker 1: that we are experiencing. Just because you are not with 114 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:04,000 Speaker 1: that person for a long time, just because maybe you 115 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,880 Speaker 1: never had a label, doesn't mean that you need to 116 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:10,680 Speaker 1: feel guilty for not being able to stop thinking about them. 117 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:14,280 Speaker 1: There are certain people who are also just less tolerant 118 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:17,880 Speaker 1: of the ambiguity and the confusion we often experience at 119 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:21,880 Speaker 1: the end of a relationship or when something appears over 120 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:26,560 Speaker 1: One study found that people who prefer order and predictability 121 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:31,120 Speaker 1: and are also quite intellectual, they struggle when they are 122 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,880 Speaker 1: unable to find answers to help them move on. I 123 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:38,240 Speaker 1: think these kinds of individuals, and maybe I'm describing you 124 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:41,640 Speaker 1: right now, they are so used to being able to 125 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:45,280 Speaker 1: provide themselves with all the answers in that situation that 126 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:50,160 Speaker 1: when they cannot problem solve or justify what they're going through, 127 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:54,880 Speaker 1: they experience a lot of additional stress. Further studies have 128 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,160 Speaker 1: also shown that this closure is also a lot harder 129 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:02,280 Speaker 1: to come by if you're particularly sentimental and sensitive. Perhaps 130 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:04,920 Speaker 1: you're someone who finds that you spend a lot of 131 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:08,320 Speaker 1: time in your own head daydreaming, thinking about the past, 132 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,720 Speaker 1: and I think whilst nostalgia and feeling your emotions very 133 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:15,200 Speaker 1: deeply is a beautiful thing, it also makes you more 134 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:18,880 Speaker 1: prone not only to a dangerous level of reminiscing, but 135 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:24,400 Speaker 1: additionally the subsequent discovery of more questions that you're never 136 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:28,120 Speaker 1: going to get the answers to. A big misconception or 137 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:29,680 Speaker 1: a trap that I think a lot of us fall 138 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:33,120 Speaker 1: into is believing that our exes or this person that 139 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:36,200 Speaker 1: we're stuck in a mental loop over is going to 140 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:39,280 Speaker 1: be able to provide you the closure that you need. 141 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:44,280 Speaker 1: Rarely is that the case. I really believe that someone 142 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:47,040 Speaker 1: who has caused your pain is not going to be 143 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:50,959 Speaker 1: able to fix it. Additionally, they might not even have 144 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:54,679 Speaker 1: the answers themselves. They may be just as confused as 145 00:08:54,679 --> 00:08:57,120 Speaker 1: you are, but they were just more motivated to kind 146 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,480 Speaker 1: of pull the trigger. And I think when we are 147 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,880 Speaker 1: in these situations, there is rarely, if not ever, going 148 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:08,360 Speaker 1: to be an answer that is fully satisfying. You might 149 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,200 Speaker 1: feel this tendency to like reach out to them and 150 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,320 Speaker 1: be like, I need to talk to them one more time, 151 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,560 Speaker 1: we need to get coffee one more time. I need closure. 152 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,719 Speaker 1: That person is not going to give you closure. So 153 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,400 Speaker 1: you kind of have to write the end of this 154 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:26,360 Speaker 1: story yourself, and you have to provide yourself with that conclusion. 155 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:30,600 Speaker 1: So what I always recommend is to write this person 156 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:36,199 Speaker 1: kind of a final letter, thanking them, being honest about 157 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,800 Speaker 1: how you've felt and telling them why you need to 158 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:43,120 Speaker 1: move on now while you are finally deciding to let 159 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:47,280 Speaker 1: them go. Don't send it to them. That is crucial. 160 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:50,719 Speaker 1: Do not send them this letter. This is an exercise 161 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:53,440 Speaker 1: simply for you to provide your own brain with the 162 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:55,640 Speaker 1: end of the story and let it rest. It also 163 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,080 Speaker 1: helps to kind of do a purge of all the 164 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:02,360 Speaker 1: things that remind you of them, a scrub of the camera, roll, 165 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:05,920 Speaker 1: a spring clean. I used to make a box of 166 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:10,080 Speaker 1: everything that felt significant to me about that person, everything 167 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:12,840 Speaker 1: that kind of was a reminder of them. And I 168 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:15,600 Speaker 1: want to remove all of those reminders, because I think 169 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:19,880 Speaker 1: sometimes out of sight really does mean out of mind. 170 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,800 Speaker 1: You also need to continue to focus on all the 171 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:28,480 Speaker 1: reasons why this was the best, why this needed to happen, 172 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:30,360 Speaker 1: why this was the best thing that could happen to you, 173 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:34,839 Speaker 1: rather than all of those what ifs and all those possibilities. 174 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:39,440 Speaker 1: That relates to another reason why we can't stop thinking 175 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,559 Speaker 1: about someone from the past, and that is because of 176 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:47,480 Speaker 1: this concept called the Pollyanna principle. So in psychology, the 177 00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:53,160 Speaker 1: Pollyanna principle is basically a positive cognitive bias in which 178 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:57,439 Speaker 1: we tend to remember the good times more clearly than 179 00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:01,240 Speaker 1: the bad, and so we fixate on them romanticize the 180 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:04,400 Speaker 1: past as a way to protect ourselves from some of 181 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:08,360 Speaker 1: those negative memories that might injure our optimism or our 182 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:12,520 Speaker 1: self esteem. Therefore, we engage in what we call selective 183 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:18,000 Speaker 1: recall when we think about our ex or some unrequited love. Normally, 184 00:11:18,559 --> 00:11:22,840 Speaker 1: all we can remember is what made them special? Are 185 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:26,360 Speaker 1: the moments where you felt happy, when you had higher expectations, 186 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:30,360 Speaker 1: and all the other things, the unanswered messages, the lack 187 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:35,040 Speaker 1: of effort, the unhappiness that is left out of your memory. 188 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,520 Speaker 1: So I think when we are in that place, it's 189 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,280 Speaker 1: no wonder we can't move on because we are constantly 190 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:46,000 Speaker 1: seeing someone through these kind of rose colored lenses, despite 191 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:50,520 Speaker 1: our best intentions, but romanticizing the past, even if it 192 00:11:50,559 --> 00:11:54,440 Speaker 1: feels good in the moment to reflect, even if we 193 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:59,160 Speaker 1: know we are in some ways enjoying the pain, it 194 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:05,080 Speaker 1: elongates that moving on process. That final point really fascinates 195 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:08,760 Speaker 1: me because there have definitely been times in the past 196 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:13,560 Speaker 1: when I've enjoyed reveling in the pain. It made me 197 00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:18,959 Speaker 1: feel human to be hurt, to experience longing and grief. 198 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:23,160 Speaker 1: But really what I was doing was keeping myself stuck 199 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:27,840 Speaker 1: in my attachment to this other person. They continue to 200 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:31,920 Speaker 1: have control over how I felt about myself and my life, 201 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,680 Speaker 1: And in those moments where I was revisiting the past, 202 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:38,480 Speaker 1: what I was really doing was trying to prevent myself 203 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:42,000 Speaker 1: from feeling like I'd lost that person. If I thought 204 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:45,120 Speaker 1: about them, if I remembered them, if I had them 205 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:47,640 Speaker 1: in my memory in my mind, that meant that what 206 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,840 Speaker 1: we had was real and that I didn't have to 207 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:55,200 Speaker 1: move on quite yet. Some part of that is also 208 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:59,800 Speaker 1: very neurological and biological, kind of operates beyond a level 209 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:03,520 Speaker 1: of of conscious control. There have been quite a few 210 00:13:03,559 --> 00:13:07,320 Speaker 1: researchers in the past decade that have suggested that your 211 00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:11,280 Speaker 1: inability to move forward from a past relationship in particular 212 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:15,520 Speaker 1: or a love interest is really due to principles of addiction. 213 00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:21,199 Speaker 1: The very same mechanisms that keep us addicted to gambling 214 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:26,920 Speaker 1: or nicotine or alcohol keep us addicted to certain people. 215 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:32,440 Speaker 1: Relationships just naturally create a lot of bonding experiences, and 216 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:35,120 Speaker 1: that really kind of emotionally cements our trust and our 217 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:38,360 Speaker 1: connection to someone because when we are bonded to someone, 218 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:45,120 Speaker 1: that brings a huge flood of neurotransmitters like dopamine oxytocin. 219 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:50,320 Speaker 1: These are associated with that really euphoric high that accompanies 220 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:54,000 Speaker 1: a lot of the early days. This affects the brain. 221 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:58,280 Speaker 1: These neurotransmitters affect the brain in the same way that 222 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:03,280 Speaker 1: drugs like painkillers do, in citing almost like an emotional 223 00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:07,280 Speaker 1: and a physical dependence on this feeling. So when a 224 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:11,800 Speaker 1: relationship is over, it can feel very similar to kind 225 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,920 Speaker 1: of a drug withdrawal, because our dopamine and the pleasure 226 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:18,240 Speaker 1: centers have become almost addicted to the sensations that this 227 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:22,200 Speaker 1: person brings. This explains why a lot of us continue 228 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,200 Speaker 1: chasing that feeling. We refuse to move on. We want 229 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,760 Speaker 1: to keep texting them, we want to keep seeing them, 230 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:32,640 Speaker 1: Revisiting all those memories of an ex. Maintaining that link 231 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:39,040 Speaker 1: to them gives us those small spikes of those addictive neurotransmitters, 232 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,080 Speaker 1: but in a low dosage, So it just continues to 233 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:46,640 Speaker 1: keep us addicted, keeps us attached, unable to stop going back. 234 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:50,200 Speaker 1: I think when you begin to understand it and think 235 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:53,040 Speaker 1: about it in that way, it really makes a lot 236 00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:58,280 Speaker 1: more sense why we cannot stop thinking about these people. 237 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,920 Speaker 1: It has nothing to do do with your level of 238 00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:05,320 Speaker 1: self discipline, It has nothing to do with your desire 239 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:09,000 Speaker 1: to move on or not move on. It is our 240 00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:13,760 Speaker 1: brain demanding that we do anything possible to lessen our 241 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:18,200 Speaker 1: emotional and our physical withdrawal. There are a few other 242 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:22,600 Speaker 1: reasons I want to mention besides obviously ideas of addiction, 243 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:27,640 Speaker 1: ideas of cognitive biases, all of those, and a major 244 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,640 Speaker 1: one is to do with loneliness and dissatisfaction in other 245 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:34,760 Speaker 1: areas of your life. So, when you are reminiscing over 246 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:38,000 Speaker 1: this person, that might actually be what we would call 247 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:43,000 Speaker 1: a projection or a displacement of deeper unhappiness. It's this 248 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:49,080 Speaker 1: idea that by assigning blame for your emotional unhappiness to 249 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:53,960 Speaker 1: your ex, you don't have to really investigate what it 250 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:57,120 Speaker 1: really might be. You can blame it all on this 251 00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:02,400 Speaker 1: past relationship. You can hyper fixate on this person as 252 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:05,640 Speaker 1: being a turning point for you, the moment that everything 253 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:10,120 Speaker 1: turned bad, or also on the flip side, believing that 254 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:14,520 Speaker 1: them being in your life will make it better. Obviously, 255 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:18,360 Speaker 1: that is not correct. That's delusional thinking, because we don't 256 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:22,560 Speaker 1: always have the rationality to understand that our emotional distress 257 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,720 Speaker 1: is probably coming from a much deeper place. It's not 258 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:28,080 Speaker 1: always to do with the end of a relationship, although 259 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,400 Speaker 1: it might be. Sometimes it's because it has caused so 260 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:34,480 Speaker 1: much stress and anxiety and so much change that the 261 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:37,440 Speaker 1: only thing that we can seek comfort in is previous 262 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,080 Speaker 1: memories of this person, back at a time when we 263 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,240 Speaker 1: do you know, we did really feel secure, We did 264 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:44,640 Speaker 1: feel like there was a future. If you have an 265 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:49,200 Speaker 1: anxious attachment style as well, losing someone or finding that 266 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,760 Speaker 1: they have left your life or feeling like they have 267 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:56,920 Speaker 1: abandoned you is also an enormous trigger or fear, as 268 00:16:57,080 --> 00:17:02,280 Speaker 1: is the possibility of it happening again, So you closely 269 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:07,719 Speaker 1: re examine the relationship, the situation for errors or moments 270 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:10,760 Speaker 1: where things could have gone differently. And that is why 271 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:14,480 Speaker 1: you cannot stop thinking about them, because you're using your 272 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:18,320 Speaker 1: kind of pattern of reminiscing to protect you from future failure. 273 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,800 Speaker 1: But it's actually having the opposite effect of keeping you 274 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:25,040 Speaker 1: attached so someone you really should be with. And finally, 275 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,359 Speaker 1: I think, and this is a conclusion that a lot 276 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:31,800 Speaker 1: of us mistakenly make and mistakenly reach, the reason we 277 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:34,560 Speaker 1: think that we can't stop thinking about someone or obsessing 278 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,000 Speaker 1: over them is because we are meant to be with 279 00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:40,440 Speaker 1: this person. That is something that I think a lot 280 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:44,840 Speaker 1: of us find ourselves stuck in. We see it as 281 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:48,440 Speaker 1: some like more meaningful sign from the universe or some 282 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:52,040 Speaker 1: higher power that we shouldn't give up quite yet, that 283 00:17:52,119 --> 00:17:55,000 Speaker 1: there is still a future. That is why they are 284 00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:58,840 Speaker 1: still on our minds. It is some kind of deeper sign. Now, 285 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,560 Speaker 1: I will say, sometimes that is the case you do 286 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:04,479 Speaker 1: get back together with someone that you can't stop thinking about. 287 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:11,320 Speaker 1: But there is also absolutely no scientific reason to associate 288 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:17,720 Speaker 1: overthinking a past relationship and future compatibility or an eventual reunion. 289 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:22,520 Speaker 1: That is unfortunately a bit of a fallacy, and the 290 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:25,000 Speaker 1: chances are that if the relationship didn't work in the 291 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:28,000 Speaker 1: first place, there was a reason for that, a really valid, 292 00:18:28,119 --> 00:18:32,919 Speaker 1: important reason, and you're forgetting those reasons, firstly because of 293 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:37,399 Speaker 1: that kind of positive cognitive bias, but also because you 294 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:40,720 Speaker 1: are distracted by all the other emotions you are trying 295 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:44,080 Speaker 1: to navigate, but also that you are trying to avoid. 296 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:49,760 Speaker 1: No one likes feeling grief or loneliness or confusion or rejection. 297 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,000 Speaker 1: So we think that the easiest way to get rid 298 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:56,560 Speaker 1: of those feelings is to get back with that person 299 00:18:57,119 --> 00:19:01,320 Speaker 1: or find some reason, some hidden explanation behind why this 300 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:05,320 Speaker 1: had to happen. Those are some of the reasons why 301 00:19:05,359 --> 00:19:08,840 Speaker 1: you cannot stop thinking about someone. But also I think 302 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:12,480 Speaker 1: it's important obviously to talk about how we can progress 303 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:17,440 Speaker 1: into our healing stage, how we can finally choose to 304 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:21,719 Speaker 1: move on. What can you do to stop overthinking this 305 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:25,520 Speaker 1: past relationship or this moment in time that you shared 306 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:29,080 Speaker 1: with someone. So we are going to of course talk 307 00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:39,359 Speaker 1: about all of that and more after this shortbreak. The 308 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:43,040 Speaker 1: trick to getting over someone that you can't stop thinking 309 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:49,800 Speaker 1: about is to detach physically, mentally, socially, and emotionally as 310 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:54,040 Speaker 1: much as you possibly can. You need to symbolically kind 311 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:58,439 Speaker 1: of cut that tie, that line that is continuing to 312 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:03,800 Speaker 1: connect you to that person. Firstly, that means providing yourself 313 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:07,480 Speaker 1: with space, not seeing this person for at least at 314 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:11,800 Speaker 1: least a few weeks or more if possible. Sometimes we 315 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:15,080 Speaker 1: know that someone is bad for us, does not deserve us, 316 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,960 Speaker 1: does not see our value. We know that we should 317 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:22,280 Speaker 1: cut them off, and yet we are drawn back, almost involuntarily, 318 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:26,400 Speaker 1: to be around them, to seek out their comfort, their support, 319 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:30,879 Speaker 1: their company, but also their validation. If this person in 320 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:36,000 Speaker 1: particular has made you feel like you are not deserving, now, 321 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,280 Speaker 1: all you are going to want from them, or you're 322 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:41,120 Speaker 1: going to crave from them, is their praise and their 323 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,520 Speaker 1: affirmation that you are a valuable person. But I think 324 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:49,800 Speaker 1: in those moments, you aren't doing yourself any favors. And 325 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:53,359 Speaker 1: that doesn't just mean meeting up with them or seeing 326 00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:57,760 Speaker 1: them physically, but also keeping yourself attached and in some 327 00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:04,120 Speaker 1: ways addicted by texting or calling, or sharing funny reels 328 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:08,840 Speaker 1: on TikTok or Instagram. If you are seriously committed to 329 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,920 Speaker 1: moving on from this person. The hard truth is that 330 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:16,560 Speaker 1: you need to go no contact. If you have already 331 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,439 Speaker 1: done this, skip about three minutes ahead because we're going 332 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:23,440 Speaker 1: to talk about it for a second. But essentially no contact, 333 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:25,520 Speaker 1: and I think we have some idea of what that means. 334 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:30,520 Speaker 1: It involves cutting off all communication with this person for 335 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,880 Speaker 1: a good period of time. There is a genuine science 336 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:37,440 Speaker 1: and psychology that shows that this is a very effective 337 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,159 Speaker 1: and possibly the fastest way to truly move on. The 338 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:46,120 Speaker 1: reason why is because no contact kind of provides almost 339 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:50,919 Speaker 1: a detox from those feel good hormones and neurotransmitters that 340 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:56,280 Speaker 1: initially bonded you to that person. By removing them, it 341 00:21:56,320 --> 00:22:01,280 Speaker 1: removes the source of these chemicals. It removes the trigger 342 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:04,919 Speaker 1: or the stimuli, and it is those chemicals that have 343 00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:08,000 Speaker 1: kept you in a situation where you are seeing them 344 00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:13,399 Speaker 1: through rose tinted glasses. So by providing that detox, it 345 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:17,400 Speaker 1: allows you to more clearly see who this person actually is, 346 00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:21,760 Speaker 1: why this didn't work out, perhaps why you are going 347 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:25,720 Speaker 1: to be much happier without them, because it is removing 348 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:32,480 Speaker 1: you from what are these very confusing biological feelings and 349 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:35,359 Speaker 1: keeping you in the state we want to reach out. 350 00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:39,520 Speaker 1: No contact also has the added benefit of really showing 351 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,720 Speaker 1: you and I guess this other person that you are done. 352 00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:47,040 Speaker 1: It is a clear break, so it provides that much 353 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:50,800 Speaker 1: needed conclusion to the story we were talking about before. 354 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:53,000 Speaker 1: It provides us with the closure that a lot of 355 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:56,720 Speaker 1: us really are desperately seeking. So I'm not going to 356 00:22:57,119 --> 00:23:01,399 Speaker 1: sugarcoat it. I think that's unfair. No contact is really 357 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:04,800 Speaker 1: difficult because you have most certainly become to rely on 358 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:07,560 Speaker 1: this person for something in your life. And it's also 359 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:11,320 Speaker 1: really difficult when perhaps you share mutual friends or a 360 00:23:11,359 --> 00:23:16,760 Speaker 1: friend group or whatnot. Sometimes it is inevitable that you 361 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:19,160 Speaker 1: won't be able to avoid them, that you will have 362 00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,520 Speaker 1: to see them. But I do think you should give 363 00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:25,879 Speaker 1: it your best go. I believe that sometimes hard things 364 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:30,760 Speaker 1: like this process of detachment, hard decisions like choosing to 365 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:34,440 Speaker 1: ensure that this person is no longer part of your life, 366 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:38,199 Speaker 1: even if you desperately want them to be, it is 367 00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:41,719 Speaker 1: worth it for a better long term outcome, and I 368 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:46,000 Speaker 1: think no contact provides that outcome. You do not want 369 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:49,159 Speaker 1: to be looking back in six months being like, Wow, 370 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,760 Speaker 1: that was six months of healing that I could have 371 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:55,879 Speaker 1: already done. That is six months of time of energy 372 00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,439 Speaker 1: that I could have not wasted on this person, and 373 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,080 Speaker 1: I would be so much further along in my healing journey. 374 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:04,080 Speaker 1: You're at that point right now where you can decide 375 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,399 Speaker 1: what the next two months, three months, six months is 376 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,760 Speaker 1: going to look like for you. Do you want to 377 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:12,480 Speaker 1: continue to be attached to this individual or do you 378 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:15,840 Speaker 1: want to move towards kind of emotional freedom. You also 379 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:20,000 Speaker 1: cannot be friends immediately right off the bat. Some people 380 00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:22,920 Speaker 1: may argue that you can never be friends. I think 381 00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:25,840 Speaker 1: obviously it's a case by case basis. But if you 382 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:29,520 Speaker 1: immediately try to pivot the nature of your relationship from 383 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:33,320 Speaker 1: something romantic to something platonic, it is going to be 384 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:36,480 Speaker 1: confusing because you haven't provided yourself with the time in 385 00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:40,800 Speaker 1: between to really not just grieve, but acknowledge that this 386 00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:45,159 Speaker 1: person may no longer be what they once were to you. 387 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:47,560 Speaker 1: You might continue to seek out the same forms of 388 00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:50,199 Speaker 1: intimacy from them. You might go back and try and 389 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:55,760 Speaker 1: replicate that relationship with them again. You need space, you 390 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:59,320 Speaker 1: need time, You need distance if you are going to 391 00:24:59,359 --> 00:25:01,720 Speaker 1: be this person, if that is something that you want, 392 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:04,680 Speaker 1: and a lot of the times, once we give ourselves 393 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:07,280 Speaker 1: that space, we realize that we actually don't want this 394 00:25:07,359 --> 00:25:11,040 Speaker 1: person in our life anymore. That was just us feeling 395 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:16,119 Speaker 1: bonded and connected chemically and emotionally and through our memories. 396 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,680 Speaker 1: The place that we're in now does not have room 397 00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:21,719 Speaker 1: for them. And I think that's a I think that 398 00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:26,080 Speaker 1: is actually an incredibly common experience. Once you give yourself 399 00:25:26,119 --> 00:25:28,960 Speaker 1: time and space and distance, you realize that you actually 400 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,440 Speaker 1: don't even want this person in your life anymore. If 401 00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:34,320 Speaker 1: you're in that stage of instituting no contact and finding 402 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:38,600 Speaker 1: it difficult, that is understandable. I think setting personal goals 403 00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:41,920 Speaker 1: or milestones for going no contact is really really helpful. 404 00:25:42,119 --> 00:25:44,560 Speaker 1: I used to make it a challenge for myself. I 405 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:48,080 Speaker 1: would tell myself to just hold off one more day 406 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:50,280 Speaker 1: and then I could text them, And then the next 407 00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:53,000 Speaker 1: day I would say, Okay, well that's what's another twenty 408 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,879 Speaker 1: four hours here, and the grand scheme of things, you know, 409 00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:58,439 Speaker 1: day by day, it's a lot easier to do that. 410 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:01,520 Speaker 1: I knew it would get easier, because it's like this 411 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:06,280 Speaker 1: invisible string that kept us connected was slowly becoming weaker, 412 00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:10,960 Speaker 1: was becoming fraid and with time, the more I didn't respond, 413 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:15,280 Speaker 1: the more I felt that the urge was going down. 414 00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:18,119 Speaker 1: Something else that helped me in the past was to 415 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:22,840 Speaker 1: break away from the positive reminiscing by reminding myself why 416 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:27,520 Speaker 1: the relationship with this person was not right. To do this, 417 00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:32,160 Speaker 1: I like to use these visualization techniques that relied upon 418 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:36,040 Speaker 1: a lot in different therapeutic practices. What you're going to 419 00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:41,680 Speaker 1: do is mentally project yourself into the future. I want 420 00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:44,679 Speaker 1: you to imagine yourself in five years. What are you 421 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:47,000 Speaker 1: looking like, what are you wearing, what's your hair looking like? 422 00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:53,000 Speaker 1: And then imagine this person standing next to you. Imagine 423 00:26:53,359 --> 00:26:57,600 Speaker 1: spending the rest of your days with them. Imagine raising 424 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:01,720 Speaker 1: kids with this person. Imagine cell breading every major life 425 00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:05,640 Speaker 1: event with them. Would that really have been fulfilling? Would 426 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:07,920 Speaker 1: they have really given you the attention that you deserved 427 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:12,840 Speaker 1: on those days? Focus on their irritating behaviors, the things 428 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,480 Speaker 1: that you would complain about to your friends, the attention 429 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:17,800 Speaker 1: they didn't give you, the dates they didn't take you on, 430 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:20,760 Speaker 1: the love they didn't show you, and you begin to 431 00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:26,360 Speaker 1: realize that perhaps the ending of that relationship, of that connection, 432 00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:30,920 Speaker 1: whatever it was, was one of the biggest blessings that 433 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:34,600 Speaker 1: you could have received, even if right now you are 434 00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:37,800 Speaker 1: somewhat in the trenches. Part of that is also choosing 435 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:41,680 Speaker 1: to prioritize thinking about what the end of this relationship 436 00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:45,280 Speaker 1: has brought you rather than what it has cost you. 437 00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:49,040 Speaker 1: For example, what are the upsides from no longer having 438 00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:52,320 Speaker 1: this person in your life? Every time you miss them, 439 00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:55,080 Speaker 1: think about how you now have more time for yourself. 440 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:57,440 Speaker 1: You always get to watch what you want on TV. 441 00:27:57,800 --> 00:27:59,879 Speaker 1: You get to spend your afternoons, your evenings to do 442 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:03,120 Speaker 1: whatever you would like. Every time you think about those 443 00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:07,119 Speaker 1: fond memories, think about all those new memories that you 444 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,080 Speaker 1: are one day going to make with someone else. The 445 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,359 Speaker 1: quality time that you are going to get to have 446 00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:15,960 Speaker 1: with your friends, the emotional clarity that you are going 447 00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:20,200 Speaker 1: to get from this experience, and really start to invest 448 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:24,760 Speaker 1: in parts of yourself that this person has no idea about. 449 00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:29,040 Speaker 1: Sometimes the reason we find it so difficult to emotionally 450 00:28:29,119 --> 00:28:33,400 Speaker 1: detach is because we feel as if a huge part 451 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,080 Speaker 1: of our identity or who we are or who we 452 00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:40,840 Speaker 1: were in the past has become intertwined with this other person. 453 00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:45,920 Speaker 1: They might know everything about us, or maybe we've shared 454 00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:50,320 Speaker 1: so much information with them, so much vulnerability, that now 455 00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:54,200 Speaker 1: we can't imagine a future without them in it. You 456 00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:58,000 Speaker 1: really need to start investing in that new version of 457 00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:04,000 Speaker 1: yourself that is untouched by this person. That includes new hobbies, 458 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:09,880 Speaker 1: new friends, new routines, new values, new priorities. Refresh your 459 00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:12,800 Speaker 1: environment as well. Buy some new artwork, find some new 460 00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:17,120 Speaker 1: music to listen to, dance, fill up that schedule. The 461 00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:21,600 Speaker 1: ending of this relationship is the beginning of your next chapter. 462 00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:24,560 Speaker 1: Imagine meeting up with them in six months and being 463 00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:26,960 Speaker 1: able to say, you know, I've taken that time to 464 00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:31,080 Speaker 1: transform myself. That person that you used to know, that 465 00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:35,000 Speaker 1: you used to have emotional control over, who was obsessed 466 00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:38,920 Speaker 1: with you, they are gone. They are completely different. Now 467 00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:41,480 Speaker 1: this is the new version of me. You know, when 468 00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:44,080 Speaker 1: I went through like my first big breakup a few 469 00:29:44,160 --> 00:29:47,360 Speaker 1: years back, I got really into pottery class. I was 470 00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:50,640 Speaker 1: pouring kind of all my grief and my pain into 471 00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:54,680 Speaker 1: creating something special. The next time, I got really into running, 472 00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:58,320 Speaker 1: And then of course this podcast came out of a breakup. 473 00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:02,560 Speaker 1: This was my citation, This was my healing space. And 474 00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:05,120 Speaker 1: I do really believe that we all need a version 475 00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:08,000 Speaker 1: of this when we are trying to move on from someone. 476 00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:11,920 Speaker 1: By choosing to invest in yourself, it is a profound 477 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:17,640 Speaker 1: reclaiming of their self. A reclaiming of your independence. You 478 00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:22,440 Speaker 1: are someone without this person, You are someone without their validation. 479 00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:29,480 Speaker 1: You exist as a brilliant, bright light, a brilliant, beautiful person, 480 00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:32,680 Speaker 1: even if they are not there to see it, and 481 00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:35,640 Speaker 1: you get to make yourself even better. You get to 482 00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:40,760 Speaker 1: just absolutely excel and just be devoted to becoming the 483 00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:44,400 Speaker 1: best version of yourself. That is an important reminder. I 484 00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:47,280 Speaker 1: also think it's important to remember that you need to 485 00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:49,520 Speaker 1: take what you need from the end of that relationship, 486 00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:52,680 Speaker 1: whether that is a better understanding of who you are, 487 00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:55,000 Speaker 1: of what you deserve, what you want in the future. 488 00:30:55,680 --> 00:30:59,280 Speaker 1: Spell out what it is that this taught you. What 489 00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:02,320 Speaker 1: are some of the bests of having loved and maybe 490 00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:07,080 Speaker 1: lost You definitely took something from this, Identify it, what 491 00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:09,920 Speaker 1: is it, and then spell out what you want and 492 00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:13,440 Speaker 1: need and deserve in the future, even if you don't 493 00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:16,960 Speaker 1: really feel ready to go looking for that yet. I 494 00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:20,400 Speaker 1: think that really brings me to my next tip, take 495 00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:24,200 Speaker 1: your time before moving on. A lot of us had 496 00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:28,920 Speaker 1: this really intense instinct or urge to find a rebound 497 00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:32,280 Speaker 1: as soon as our previous relationship is over, or if 498 00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:35,480 Speaker 1: we've been kind of left rejected or aimless to find 499 00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:39,000 Speaker 1: someone else to fill that void. That is a short 500 00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:42,560 Speaker 1: term fix. It simply takes up the space left by 501 00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:46,600 Speaker 1: the previous person, and it is a distraction rather than 502 00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:50,120 Speaker 1: a deeper solution. They conducted a study on this a 503 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:53,840 Speaker 1: few years ago called Too Fast, Too Soon, an Empirical 504 00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:58,800 Speaker 1: Investigation into rebound relationships, and what they concluded is that 505 00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:03,440 Speaker 1: a lot of rebound dating is actually quite reactive and 506 00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:07,200 Speaker 1: done in response to the residual emotions from a lost love. 507 00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:11,360 Speaker 1: Most of the people who talked about having a rebound 508 00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:15,440 Speaker 1: it actually left them feeling more emotionally raw. It left 509 00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:17,880 Speaker 1: them feeling like they were thinking about their ex for 510 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:22,000 Speaker 1: longer than the average person. And it also triggers you 511 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:25,520 Speaker 1: to keep going back to those memories because you are 512 00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:28,320 Speaker 1: probably experiencing a lot of those a lot of the 513 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:32,960 Speaker 1: same things that are activating previous memory pathways. For example, 514 00:32:33,680 --> 00:32:36,640 Speaker 1: you might be going to the same date locations, you 515 00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:40,040 Speaker 1: are probably in the same environment, you are talking about 516 00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:44,400 Speaker 1: the same things. You're experiencing intimacy, just with a new person, 517 00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:48,800 Speaker 1: and sometimes that means that this person is really almost 518 00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:53,040 Speaker 1: just like a proxy, a fake version of the person 519 00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:55,280 Speaker 1: that we really want to be with. I don't think 520 00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:58,160 Speaker 1: it's helpful, helpful to us. I don't think it's helpful 521 00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:03,959 Speaker 1: to anyone else. Instead, you need to learn that you 522 00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:07,360 Speaker 1: don't need to be afraid of your thoughts. Just because 523 00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:10,920 Speaker 1: you are thinking about your ex doesn't mean that they 524 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:14,400 Speaker 1: were the one. It is not a sign that you 525 00:33:14,400 --> 00:33:17,400 Speaker 1: should get back together. It's not a sign that you 526 00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:22,280 Speaker 1: haven't healed either. It's just your brain kind of short 527 00:33:22,360 --> 00:33:27,520 Speaker 1: circuiting looking for that ending. So approach it with neutrality. 528 00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:31,200 Speaker 1: Of course you miss them, you felt connected, they were 529 00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:33,920 Speaker 1: a part of your life. Maybe things ended in a 530 00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:37,360 Speaker 1: way that was not satisfying. All of those statements can 531 00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:41,080 Speaker 1: be true, but we don't need to be emotionally invested 532 00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:46,720 Speaker 1: in them. And remember above all else, time is the 533 00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:54,600 Speaker 1: universal healer. Time will pass, although your healing won't be linear. Neurologically, 534 00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:59,360 Speaker 1: your brain cannot be in this amount of pain forever. 535 00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:05,000 Speaker 1: Your brain cannot stay in these memories forever. It cannot 536 00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:08,440 Speaker 1: sustain that kind of emotional burden, so it will exhaust itself. 537 00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:12,759 Speaker 1: Everything in life is really temporary, including this feeling. And 538 00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:15,919 Speaker 1: I promise you that in a year's time, maybe you'll 539 00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:18,839 Speaker 1: be searching back through this podcast and you'll find this 540 00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:20,960 Speaker 1: episode and be like, WHOA, I no longer relate to 541 00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:24,879 Speaker 1: this I am over this person. I'm free. So I'm 542 00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:27,680 Speaker 1: going to give you a final rapid fire list of 543 00:34:27,719 --> 00:34:31,040 Speaker 1: tips to stop thinking about someone you cannot get over. 544 00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:34,560 Speaker 1: You need to read some good old self help books 545 00:34:34,560 --> 00:34:37,440 Speaker 1: and fiction books to refocus yourself in those moments where 546 00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:41,640 Speaker 1: your feeling stuck overwhelmed. Some really good ones are What 547 00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:44,840 Speaker 1: a Time to Be Alone by Tudera Egaru. I also 548 00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:48,840 Speaker 1: just read this book called Cleopatra and Frankenstein. It honestly 549 00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:52,440 Speaker 1: allowed me to like romanticize every breakup I've ever had 550 00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:56,439 Speaker 1: in my twenties. It was a really good read. This 551 00:34:56,520 --> 00:34:59,200 Speaker 1: Is How You Heal is another one, all about love 552 00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:04,279 Speaker 1: by Belle Hook's Essentials. Secondly, show yourself the love that 553 00:35:04,360 --> 00:35:07,520 Speaker 1: you expect from others. There has been such a huge 554 00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:11,160 Speaker 1: discussion about love languages recently, and I think where we 555 00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:14,600 Speaker 1: go wrong is thinking that we can only express and 556 00:35:14,719 --> 00:35:19,200 Speaker 1: receive our love languages, whether that's words of affirmation, physical touch, 557 00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:23,920 Speaker 1: acts of service from other people. You can show yourself 558 00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:26,880 Speaker 1: the love you feel you deserve from others, and I 559 00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:30,680 Speaker 1: think that's important to do during these times. You can 560 00:35:30,719 --> 00:35:33,920 Speaker 1: speak kindly to yourself, you can buy yourself little gifts. 561 00:35:34,320 --> 00:35:37,480 Speaker 1: You can give yourself a big hug, take yourself on dates, 562 00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:40,400 Speaker 1: make your bed in the morning so that your future 563 00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:42,479 Speaker 1: self feels less stressed at the end of the day. 564 00:35:43,080 --> 00:35:46,080 Speaker 1: Show yourself the love that you have come to expect 565 00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:51,240 Speaker 1: from others. Don't suffer alone as well. Your friends want 566 00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:54,560 Speaker 1: to support you. They want to hear about it. Trust me, 567 00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:58,200 Speaker 1: I think a problem spoken out loud is a problem halved. 568 00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:01,759 Speaker 1: Do not text this post when you are drunk. That 569 00:36:01,920 --> 00:36:06,319 Speaker 1: is the very definition of two steps forward three steps back. 570 00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:09,960 Speaker 1: You will feel embarrassed, you will undo your progress. If 571 00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:13,120 Speaker 1: you have gone no contact. Hopefully there will be absolutely 572 00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:17,360 Speaker 1: no risk of this happening. But please make sure you 573 00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:20,680 Speaker 1: have a guardian or like a drunk guardian. Do not 574 00:36:20,760 --> 00:36:22,960 Speaker 1: text this person no matter how much you want to. 575 00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:27,000 Speaker 1: And if you can, go for a trip to kind 576 00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:30,279 Speaker 1: of jelt yourself out of your funk, and if you 577 00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:33,120 Speaker 1: can't do that, make a bit of a personal bucket 578 00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:35,440 Speaker 1: list for places you kind of want to go in 579 00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:37,759 Speaker 1: your local area of small things that you want to 580 00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:41,240 Speaker 1: do alone in the next few months. Part of moving 581 00:36:41,239 --> 00:36:44,320 Speaker 1: on from someone you can't stop thinking about is recognizing 582 00:36:44,360 --> 00:36:48,879 Speaker 1: that your own company is actually amazing, and you can 583 00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:52,239 Speaker 1: have such a good time by yourself, but you're also 584 00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:54,920 Speaker 1: not alone. There will be other people. There will be 585 00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:59,719 Speaker 1: future loves, and not just like romantic love, but new friendships, 586 00:37:00,239 --> 00:37:03,280 Speaker 1: people who are going to come into your life so unexpectedly, 587 00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:06,759 Speaker 1: new memories. The best day of your life is yet 588 00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:09,080 Speaker 1: to come. That is something I always like to remind 589 00:37:09,080 --> 00:37:12,680 Speaker 1: myself when I'm stuck in a thought spiral about someone 590 00:37:12,680 --> 00:37:15,400 Speaker 1: that I don't want to be thinking about. So I 591 00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:18,600 Speaker 1: really hope that these tips have helped you. I really 592 00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:21,799 Speaker 1: do understand and I empathize a lot with where you're 593 00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:25,319 Speaker 1: at right now. But speaking as someone who has been 594 00:37:25,360 --> 00:37:30,000 Speaker 1: in those points of desperation where I just really wanted 595 00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:32,480 Speaker 1: this person out of my mind, out of my life, 596 00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:37,000 Speaker 1: out of my head, it will happen. You will heal, 597 00:37:37,719 --> 00:37:40,919 Speaker 1: time will move forward, and one day you will wake 598 00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:45,520 Speaker 1: up and realize that they really don't matter anymore. They 599 00:37:45,560 --> 00:37:48,400 Speaker 1: really don't matter anymore. They were just a kind of 600 00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:53,200 Speaker 1: secondary character in your main, main character story. So thank 601 00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:55,640 Speaker 1: you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode. 602 00:37:55,680 --> 00:37:58,719 Speaker 1: I hope you got something out of it. As always, 603 00:37:58,800 --> 00:38:01,120 Speaker 1: if there was someone who needs to hear this episode. 604 00:38:01,160 --> 00:38:04,920 Speaker 1: Maybe you have a friend going through something similar. Please 605 00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:07,080 Speaker 1: feel free to share it along and share the love. 606 00:38:07,800 --> 00:38:10,040 Speaker 1: If you enjoyed the episode as well, please feel free 607 00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:13,360 Speaker 1: to give it a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, 608 00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:15,879 Speaker 1: I don't know where you're listening. Wherever you're listening right 609 00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:18,480 Speaker 1: now and hit follow if you want to see future 610 00:38:18,520 --> 00:38:23,520 Speaker 1: episodes live on your page. Thank you again for listening. 611 00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:26,879 Speaker 1: Follow us along at that Psychology podcast as well. If 612 00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:30,480 Speaker 1: you have an episode suggestion, my inbox is open. We 613 00:38:30,520 --> 00:38:33,480 Speaker 1: are taking suggestions at the moment, or if you just 614 00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:36,960 Speaker 1: want to see some more behind the scenes content, video 615 00:38:37,000 --> 00:38:41,000 Speaker 1: clips and whatnot. I'm rooting for you. I promise it's 616 00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:44,840 Speaker 1: gonna get better. You will get over this person. Hopefully 617 00:38:45,080 --> 00:38:48,160 Speaker 1: this has gotten you one step further to that point. 618 00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:53,040 Speaker 1: We will be back next week with another episode.