WEBVTT - The Evidence of Positivity 0:00:01.720 --> 0:00:07.240 It's very common that persons of color struggle with finding 0:00:07.320 --> 0:00:10.760 a therapist that looks like them, and they often ask me, 0:00:11.000 --> 0:00:13.119 is that a necessity? Meaning if they can't find a 0:00:13.119 --> 0:00:15.240 therapist that looks like them, should that be a deal breaker, 0:00:15.280 --> 0:00:18.720 And the answer is no. I do think it is 0:00:18.920 --> 0:00:21.640 best when you can find a therapist that looks like them, 0:00:21.680 --> 0:00:27.920 because therapy, when it's done outside of the recipient of 0:00:27.960 --> 0:00:33.400 the therapy's culture, can actually cause cultural ruptures and cause harm. 0:00:33.600 --> 0:00:38.720 To give you an example is I cannot explain what 0:00:38.800 --> 0:00:42.239 it's like to a non African American what it's like 0:00:42.360 --> 0:00:46.839 to be an African American in our society, in our culture, 0:00:47.479 --> 0:00:51.720 and I can remember times specifically hearing arguments from people 0:00:51.760 --> 0:00:55.400 saying things like, if black people would just listen to 0:00:55.440 --> 0:01:00.520 the police officer, they'll stop being shot, and that stuff 0:01:00.600 --> 0:01:04.640 causes me great harm and trying to explain why that's 0:01:04.720 --> 0:01:10.039 actually not true to someone in my culture is a 0:01:10.120 --> 0:01:13.680 very different experience than someone outside of it. So I 0:01:13.680 --> 0:01:15.640 don't think it should be a deal breaker, but I 0:01:15.800 --> 0:01:20.280 do think it is best. Now if I could give 0:01:20.319 --> 0:01:25.560 advice to someone outside of the black culture or outside 0:01:25.560 --> 0:01:29.279 of the persons of color culture who needs to provide 0:01:29.319 --> 0:01:32.720 therapy to people inside of it, you have to do 0:01:32.920 --> 0:01:36.400 two very very important things. Number one, you have to 0:01:36.560 --> 0:01:42.040 listen intently to what your client is saying. And number two, 0:01:42.560 --> 0:01:48.560 you genuinely have to put yourself in the position where 0:01:48.600 --> 0:01:53.440 your client is teaching you about their lived experience without 0:01:53.520 --> 0:01:56.920 you judging what that lived experience is, and without you 0:01:57.120 --> 0:02:00.840 assessing for truth of that lived experience. I think this 0:02:01.000 --> 0:02:04.760 is probably the biggest strength of solution focused brief therapy, 0:02:04.800 --> 0:02:10.480 and my biggest critique of psychotherapy traditionally done is in psychotherapy, 0:02:11.040 --> 0:02:14.000 traditionally the number one skill the therapist has is their 0:02:14.000 --> 0:02:16.680 ability to assess. And as a black man, if I'm 0:02:16.720 --> 0:02:19.680 talking to you about what it's like to live in Texas, 0:02:20.000 --> 0:02:23.240 in America, in our current state of politics, and in 0:02:23.280 --> 0:02:27.000 our current state of social upheaval, I don't want to 0:02:27.040 --> 0:02:30.280 be judged or assessed. You just need to allow me 0:02:30.400 --> 0:02:33.400 to explain to you what my lived experience is. And 0:02:33.560 --> 0:02:37.840 that's not an easily done thing in traditional psychotherapy, but 0:02:37.919 --> 0:02:41.680 it's actually woven into the fabric of solution focused brief therapy. 0:02:41.919 --> 0:02:45.399 So it's why I think this approach is so strong 0:02:45.480 --> 0:02:48.480 and so adequate to work with people of color and 0:02:48.680 --> 0:02:51.440 anyone who is not of that culture who needs to 0:02:51.480 --> 0:03:05.960 work with people in that culture. That's my advice. Welcome 0:03:06.000 --> 0:03:09.680 back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliott Connie, and 0:03:09.760 --> 0:03:12.600 as usual, I want to ask you what's been better 0:03:12.680 --> 0:03:15.839 since you listened to the previous episode. This is not 0:03:16.040 --> 0:03:19.160 just a redundant question that I ask at each episode. 0:03:19.360 --> 0:03:22.399 It actually has a purpose, and that is to help 0:03:22.440 --> 0:03:25.560 you focus on the things you desire more than the 0:03:25.600 --> 0:03:29.120 things you don't. That is the exercise this family went through, 0:03:29.160 --> 0:03:30.680 and it's what I want you to go through too. 0:03:31.480 --> 0:03:35.800 In this week's episode, Jay mentioned something very important. She 0:03:35.920 --> 0:03:39.520 just wants to find safety in her femininity. Jay has 0:03:39.560 --> 0:03:42.600 lost trust in David's ability to follow through, so thus 0:03:42.680 --> 0:03:45.400 she started like paying bills. And that doesn't mean she's 0:03:45.440 --> 0:03:48.480 being more masculine. She's just doing what's necessary. And in 0:03:48.560 --> 0:03:55.000 the same way, Jay is a very amazing woman. So like, 0:03:55.160 --> 0:03:58.720 let's say she decided, I'm gonna be the bread winner 0:03:58.760 --> 0:04:01.440 and I want my husband and slash partner to be 0:04:01.480 --> 0:04:04.320 the stay at home dad. People would accuse that stay 0:04:04.320 --> 0:04:08.200 at home dad of being feminine, but it's not. She 0:04:08.320 --> 0:04:10.760 could out earn many men, So why wouldn't she be 0:04:10.800 --> 0:04:12.720 the one that goes out and does the job. She's 0:04:12.760 --> 0:04:16.640 more educated than most men. So, like that conversation, whether 0:04:16.680 --> 0:04:19.640 we admit it or not, we look up on masculine 0:04:19.720 --> 0:04:22.479 energy and look down on feminine energy when it's being 0:04:22.520 --> 0:04:24.880 performed by the opposite partner. 0:04:25.560 --> 0:04:26.680 And that's odd. 0:04:27.600 --> 0:04:29.520 And I want to kind of explain a little bit 0:04:29.720 --> 0:04:32.839 about the context in which we are finding that, because 0:04:32.880 --> 0:04:35.240 this becomes a very important part of the dynamic in 0:04:35.320 --> 0:04:40.039 Jay's life that is playing itself out. Jay is and 0:04:40.080 --> 0:04:45.359 I'm not saying this lightly, This is not hyperbole. She's 0:04:45.480 --> 0:04:50.679 literally one of the strongest, most independent women I've ever met, 0:04:51.000 --> 0:04:54.120 and I mean that as a compliment. Jay is the 0:04:54.200 --> 0:04:58.640 kind of person that when she sees a task needs 0:04:58.720 --> 0:05:02.680 to be done, she is capable of doing that task. 0:05:02.760 --> 0:05:05.760 And she's been that way for a very long time. 0:05:05.800 --> 0:05:08.719 That is not just isolated to how she is in relationships. 0:05:08.960 --> 0:05:12.760 It's how she is professionally, it's how she is in business, 0:05:13.040 --> 0:05:15.320 it's how she was in the military. She has a 0:05:15.400 --> 0:05:18.920 very very strong personality, and people with this level of 0:05:19.000 --> 0:05:24.719 strength in their personality in order for her to be soft, 0:05:24.920 --> 0:05:27.320 as she referred to it, But for this context, I'm 0:05:27.320 --> 0:05:30.000 going to say, like less alpha, she needs to be 0:05:30.040 --> 0:05:34.520 around someone that she trusts. If I don't perform the task, 0:05:35.040 --> 0:05:37.720 or if I don't pick up the pace, or if 0:05:37.760 --> 0:05:42.680 I don't carry the weight, my partner is perfectly capable 0:05:42.839 --> 0:05:45.240 of doing it as well. And I think some of 0:05:45.279 --> 0:05:48.599 the frustration that has gotten David and Jay into this 0:05:48.720 --> 0:05:54.080 current space is Jay not trusting that if I don't 0:05:54.200 --> 0:05:57.320 do it, my partner will do it and do it 0:05:57.360 --> 0:05:59.720 in an adequate way. So when she's referring to I 0:05:59.720 --> 0:06:02.359 want to be in my soft era, she's saying, I 0:06:02.360 --> 0:06:07.279 want to see his confidence, his strength, his bravado. I 0:06:07.279 --> 0:06:11.320 want to see his alphaness come up so that I 0:06:11.400 --> 0:06:15.400 can relax, so that I can be calm, so that 0:06:15.760 --> 0:06:18.880 I can be soft, which is a version of herself 0:06:18.880 --> 0:06:20.200 that she would like to be more of. 0:06:27.279 --> 0:06:31.479 Since our last session, what have you noticed? 0:06:32.200 --> 0:06:33.159 What have I noticed? 0:06:34.040 --> 0:06:34.320 Yeah? 0:06:34.400 --> 0:06:37.280 I don't know, but I do know. 0:06:37.560 --> 0:06:42.680 In our last session, we talked about the possibility of 0:06:42.720 --> 0:06:49.840 me showing up for my partner and I guess expressing 0:06:50.320 --> 0:06:53.800 love the way that I like to express love. We 0:06:53.880 --> 0:06:57.679 talked about that, and I told you that I would 0:06:57.720 --> 0:07:02.440 sit with that idea, and I have to say that. 0:07:03.680 --> 0:07:08.200 The request kind of pissed me off because I but 0:07:08.279 --> 0:07:11.200 I realized, also, you don't really have a lot of 0:07:11.280 --> 0:07:19.080 context of our relationship and you asking me to show 0:07:19.200 --> 0:07:26.320 up for him again. It was just like, what, why 0:07:26.320 --> 0:07:32.239 would you ask me to do that? And not only why, 0:07:32.840 --> 0:07:35.880 but what would be the benefit of me continuing to 0:07:36.040 --> 0:07:39.320 give to someone who I feel takes advantage of me. 0:07:39.680 --> 0:07:43.760 And when I told you, you know that I was tired. 0:07:43.920 --> 0:07:46.120 You know the relationship has been exhausting for me. 0:07:47.360 --> 0:07:51.800 I didn't feel that you really understood that comment, or 0:07:51.840 --> 0:07:55.120 at least didn't place enough weight on what I was expressing. 0:07:58.200 --> 0:08:02.040 I did not want to show up for him like 0:08:02.080 --> 0:08:04.720 that again, and I do not, and I will not. 0:08:06.640 --> 0:08:13.920 There has to be accountability, accountability on his part to 0:08:13.960 --> 0:08:18.720 show up in this relationship and love me in the 0:08:18.720 --> 0:08:22.240 way that I want to be loved before he gets 0:08:22.240 --> 0:08:26.440 the benefits of my love again, I won't. I won't 0:08:26.480 --> 0:08:29.400 do that for him. But what I will do is 0:08:29.440 --> 0:08:32.480 I'll do it for myself, and I'll do it for 0:08:32.520 --> 0:08:36.080 the people that I feel like have been you know, 0:08:36.400 --> 0:08:39.440 taking care of me, loving on me. I won't do 0:08:39.520 --> 0:08:44.200 it for him. So I think, because like I said, 0:08:44.240 --> 0:08:48.080 because you don't know our relationship. That may have been 0:08:48.200 --> 0:08:53.240 a reasonable request in your mind, but hell though, no, 0:08:54.080 --> 0:08:57.680 not doing that for him, no more until I see 0:08:57.720 --> 0:09:00.760 evidence of his ability to to show up for me 0:09:00.800 --> 0:09:01.320 in that way. 0:09:02.920 --> 0:09:03.880 So that is. 0:09:06.360 --> 0:09:09.600 Basically the boundary that I've put in place when it 0:09:09.600 --> 0:09:13.760 comes to us. And you may think, well, I'm cheating myself, 0:09:14.000 --> 0:09:17.559 and I would disagree. I'm not cheating myself. I know 0:09:17.600 --> 0:09:20.200 how to show him love, I know how to express love. 0:09:21.440 --> 0:09:25.040 I've done it so many times for him, so I 0:09:25.120 --> 0:09:27.840 know that I'm capable of doing it for him. 0:09:27.760 --> 0:09:28.480 Or someone else. 0:09:29.800 --> 0:09:33.360 But what I'm not doing is showing myself that love 0:09:33.600 --> 0:09:35.640 and what and That's where I'm trying to get to. 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:40.680 So that's pretty much what I felt when you asked 0:09:40.679 --> 0:09:44.040 me that question and what I've thought about as what 0:09:44.120 --> 0:09:45.960 I've thought about as far as that request goes. 0:09:46.600 --> 0:09:49.360 Okay, And to be clear, I'm not saying that you're 0:09:49.400 --> 0:09:56.120 cheating yourself because I don't believe that you. You said 0:09:56.120 --> 0:09:58.200 that I didn't have the context. Is there any context 0:09:58.240 --> 0:09:59.000 you want to give me? 0:10:01.320 --> 0:10:02.800 Mm hmmm. 0:10:06.880 --> 0:10:14.199 I think without going into specific examples, I've just from 0:10:14.240 --> 0:10:19.440 the beginning of our relationship, I've made every effort, at 0:10:19.559 --> 0:10:25.559 least in the earlier years, to plan stuff for him 0:10:25.600 --> 0:10:30.120 to make him feel special, to make him feel like 0:10:30.160 --> 0:10:37.600 an amazing man that I appreciated. I've you know, taken 0:10:37.640 --> 0:10:43.040 the time to really organize things for his birthday or 0:10:43.120 --> 0:10:47.720 just in general to let him know that he's loved 0:10:47.720 --> 0:10:54.080 and that he's important. And those types of plannings and 0:10:54.200 --> 0:10:58.720 all of that kind of started to trickle down as 0:10:58.800 --> 0:11:01.320 our years went on because I felt like it wasn't 0:11:01.360 --> 0:11:07.560 being reciprocated. But what I did do is made sure 0:11:07.600 --> 0:11:14.439 that we were good as far as financially. Every house 0:11:14.480 --> 0:11:16.840 that we have lived in is one that I have 0:11:18.080 --> 0:11:25.040 made happen. So it's it's kind of like, in some ways, 0:11:25.080 --> 0:11:31.600 a shift and given him the things that I wanted 0:11:31.640 --> 0:11:33.800 to give him versus the giving him the things that 0:11:33.840 --> 0:11:38.040 we needed to have as a family. And in that shift, 0:11:38.080 --> 0:11:44.319 there's also been this shift of I guess femininity into 0:11:44.480 --> 0:11:45.680 a more masculine role. 0:11:46.600 --> 0:11:49.280 You I don't really want you shifting into the more 0:11:49.320 --> 0:11:49.960 masculine roles. 0:11:49.960 --> 0:11:56.080 That's what you're saying, yes, And I don't like it here. 0:11:56.320 --> 0:11:57.880 I don't want to be I don't want to be 0:11:57.880 --> 0:12:01.160 in the masculine I under stand that we are both 0:12:02.240 --> 0:12:10.120 all people are. To quote the poet and well renowned 0:12:10.120 --> 0:12:11.959 comedian Kat Williams. 0:12:12.400 --> 0:12:15.920 You are not about to about that I am, and 0:12:15.960 --> 0:12:17.720 you're not about a poet. 0:12:18.040 --> 0:12:19.720 Oh my god, yes, the poet. 0:12:19.920 --> 0:12:20.480 The poet. 0:12:20.679 --> 0:12:21.680 I gotta get ready. 0:12:22.600 --> 0:12:27.360 Twenty first century poet Kat Williams. 0:12:26.480 --> 0:12:28.080 All right, I gotta get ready. Here we go. 0:12:29.520 --> 0:12:30.440 So it's so deep. 0:12:31.800 --> 0:12:35.360 Basically, he said, you know, we we both have a mother, 0:12:35.400 --> 0:12:37.720 we both have a father, so inherently we are mixed. 0:12:38.360 --> 0:12:41.679 And it sounds so silly and it's simple, but it's true. 0:12:41.800 --> 0:12:45.000 We are a mixture of the masculine and the feminine. 0:12:45.200 --> 0:12:45.360 And. 0:12:46.800 --> 0:12:50.679 We there has to be a balance. I don't know 0:12:50.679 --> 0:12:53.439 if there has to be a balance, but there is 0:12:53.800 --> 0:12:56.520 certainly both of that in us. So we're all mixed. 0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:59.679 We all have this, these two parts of us. And 0:12:59.720 --> 0:13:04.400 I don't don't feel feminine in our relationship up to 0:13:04.440 --> 0:13:06.319 this point, I would say, over the last few years, 0:13:08.200 --> 0:13:12.440 because I am the protector, I am the provider, and 0:13:13.360 --> 0:13:15.840 I know we live in an age where these these 0:13:15.920 --> 0:13:21.000 gender roles are becoming less accepted by the masses. But 0:13:21.360 --> 0:13:25.040 to me, those roles make sense, and I don't really. 0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:27.560 I don't. 0:13:27.600 --> 0:13:30.440 I want to lean more into my femininity, but I 0:13:30.480 --> 0:13:32.520 find it difficult to do that with him. 0:13:32.920 --> 0:13:36.440 And then another thing you said was I'm trying to 0:13:37.080 --> 0:13:42.480 like love myself, right, can you tell me more about that? Like, 0:13:42.559 --> 0:13:45.120 what does loving yourself look like like? 0:13:45.200 --> 0:13:45.800 In your head? 0:13:46.520 --> 0:13:49.800 If you become like really good at loving Jay, how 0:13:49.840 --> 0:13:51.239 do you imagine that looks. 0:13:53.840 --> 0:13:56.920 I imagine it would look like me taking care of 0:13:56.960 --> 0:14:03.559 myself physically, emotional, spiritually. Like that, I would start prioritizing 0:14:04.040 --> 0:14:07.679 my needs and my wants over other people. That I 0:14:07.679 --> 0:14:11.319 would start making sure that I'm filling my cup. And 0:14:11.480 --> 0:14:14.920 filling my cup looks like going on a trip for 0:14:14.960 --> 0:14:19.920 a weekend by myself, which is what I'm doing. So 0:14:20.760 --> 0:14:24.160 it would look like me, you know, waking up in 0:14:24.200 --> 0:14:28.040 the morning and praying for you know, a few minutes, 0:14:28.120 --> 0:14:30.960 meditating for a few minutes, getting my head focused. 0:14:31.400 --> 0:14:32.640 It would look like me. 0:14:32.840 --> 0:14:36.760 Exercising on a regular basis and eating healthier foods. 0:14:37.720 --> 0:14:40.320 It would look like possibly. 0:14:39.840 --> 0:14:44.440 Getting a hobby or something I don't know, like doing 0:14:44.480 --> 0:14:47.480 something that I just enjoy doing for the sake of 0:14:47.520 --> 0:14:53.760 doing it and because it makes me happy. It would 0:14:53.840 --> 0:14:57.240 look like listening to music more and listening to new 0:14:57.320 --> 0:15:00.160 artists more, which is actually something that I've been doing too, 0:15:00.840 --> 0:15:03.960 because music has always been a really important part of 0:15:03.960 --> 0:15:07.920 my life and it takes me to a place that 0:15:08.000 --> 0:15:11.000 makes me feel good. So doing more of that, which 0:15:11.440 --> 0:15:13.800 for some reason over the last few years I've done 0:15:13.880 --> 0:15:16.240 a lot less of. I mean, COVID played a part 0:15:16.240 --> 0:15:17.680 in it, because I did like to use to go 0:15:17.720 --> 0:15:21.600 to like concerts and stuff. But even before that, just 0:15:21.840 --> 0:15:27.360 you know, not connecting with music was you know, an 0:15:27.360 --> 0:15:32.080 indicator to me like something's off here, because there's always 0:15:32.080 --> 0:15:34.240 been a part of my life. So doing those types 0:15:34.280 --> 0:15:37.280 of things filling my cup and filling my cup first 0:15:38.480 --> 0:15:42.720 as much as possible, like, yes, I'm a mom, but 0:15:42.840 --> 0:15:44.840 if my cup is full, then I can pour into 0:15:44.880 --> 0:15:49.000 them even better than I have been, so yeah, and 0:15:49.040 --> 0:15:53.000 then also setting boundaries with people who I feel like 0:15:53.200 --> 0:15:56.160 do not appreciate me. That's part of taking care of myself, 0:15:56.720 --> 0:16:00.960 you know, telling people and letting them no, like this 0:16:00.960 --> 0:16:03.480 this is the buck stops here, Like we're not doing 0:16:03.520 --> 0:16:07.560 this no more because it does not feed into me, 0:16:08.400 --> 0:16:11.600 it doesn't make me feel good. Really dealing with self 0:16:11.720 --> 0:16:16.240 esteem issues and you know, really really digging into that 0:16:16.360 --> 0:16:19.640 and figuring out you know, why do I feel the 0:16:19.680 --> 0:16:22.480 way that I feel. 0:16:21.800 --> 0:16:26.280 Trust in the therapy process is actually the therapist's responsibility, 0:16:26.600 --> 0:16:30.920 and they have to continually work at gaining and maintaining 0:16:31.000 --> 0:16:33.400 client trust. Now, I'm going to tell you this is 0:16:33.440 --> 0:16:36.520 an incredibly difficult thing to do, and it's an incredibly 0:16:36.680 --> 0:16:40.240 fragile part of the process, but we have to constantly 0:16:40.400 --> 0:16:43.360 work at it. Now, it's not necessary that the therapists 0:16:43.480 --> 0:16:47.000 explain what they're observing to the client in real time, 0:16:47.320 --> 0:16:50.040 though that might help. It's more important that you keep 0:16:50.040 --> 0:16:55.600 performing your job with integrity and honor and continue to 0:16:55.800 --> 0:17:00.680 work towards what the client's desired outcome from the therapy is. 0:17:01.360 --> 0:17:05.879 It's not uncommon that the client knows what they want 0:17:06.600 --> 0:17:10.040 and they think they know how to get there, but 0:17:10.160 --> 0:17:13.679 the therapist is the one that is trained and understands 0:17:13.760 --> 0:17:16.200 what the healing journey would look like. Now, I don't 0:17:16.240 --> 0:17:20.800 say that the therapist ideas get to trump the client's ideas, 0:17:21.200 --> 0:17:23.480 but I will say they have to work in collaboration, 0:17:23.680 --> 0:17:26.880 and sometimes the therapist is going to be doing things 0:17:26.920 --> 0:17:29.800 that the client does not understand, simply because it's not 0:17:29.840 --> 0:17:32.800 been a part of their life to participate and facilitate 0:17:32.880 --> 0:17:36.720 therapy sessions. But that's our job. I get really irritated 0:17:36.760 --> 0:17:40.000 and frustrated with clinicians who think that the client is 0:17:40.040 --> 0:17:43.399 supposed to just arbitrarily gift them with trust. It is 0:17:43.520 --> 0:17:48.080 our responsibility to earn it. That's a continuous responsibility, and 0:17:48.080 --> 0:17:51.760 we have to maintain it. It's fragile and will sometimes 0:17:51.840 --> 0:17:56.000 waiver and fluctuate throughout the therapy process, but it's always 0:17:56.119 --> 0:18:08.479 our job. Jay really struggles with changing her mindset to 0:18:08.640 --> 0:18:13.000 take care of herself. Does this all stem from her childhood? 0:18:13.720 --> 0:18:17.920 I actually think it does. Jay has a habit of 0:18:18.600 --> 0:18:21.120 not paying as much attention as she should to her 0:18:21.160 --> 0:18:24.600 successes and paying a lot of attention to her flaws 0:18:25.119 --> 0:18:28.199 and mistakes, and as a consequence, this leads to bouts 0:18:28.200 --> 0:18:33.080 of depression and anxiety and insecurities. If Jay were able 0:18:33.080 --> 0:18:35.119 to flip that, then the reverse would happen. She'd have 0:18:35.160 --> 0:18:38.440 an increase in confidence and an increase of self esteem. 0:18:38.720 --> 0:18:43.359 The most likely source of this pattern is the absence 0:18:43.440 --> 0:18:46.200 of her father during really critical times in her life, 0:18:46.200 --> 0:18:49.560 when most people are being told good job and receiving 0:18:49.640 --> 0:18:53.880 other sources of praise, which build up our psyche and 0:18:53.920 --> 0:18:56.720 build up our self esteem and make us more resilient 0:18:56.760 --> 0:19:00.520 through the life cycle during really critical times. That missing 0:19:00.520 --> 0:19:03.679 in Jay's life, and that is a likely contributor to 0:19:03.720 --> 0:19:11.080 this pattern. When did it switch? When do you remember 0:19:11.160 --> 0:19:15.800 going from active to the less active version of yourself 0:19:15.800 --> 0:19:16.760 that you'd rather not be. 0:19:18.640 --> 0:19:22.440 Really after my second deployment, because I was dealing with 0:19:22.480 --> 0:19:29.560 some pain management that I you know, I was limiting 0:19:30.240 --> 0:19:34.879 my ability to deal with or would not deal with, 0:19:34.960 --> 0:19:37.439 but to exercise in the way that I wanted to, 0:19:44.040 --> 0:19:47.040 and I think I just kind of let that like 0:19:47.119 --> 0:19:49.560 I was still active, but not the way that I 0:19:49.640 --> 0:19:54.399 was prior to to dealing with some of my injuries 0:19:54.720 --> 0:20:00.399 that were kind of increase the pain with the injuries 0:20:00.440 --> 0:20:05.280 had increased, and I was going to physical therapy when 0:20:05.320 --> 0:20:08.040 I came home. Oh well, when I came back to 0:20:08.040 --> 0:20:11.800 the States and didn't feel like that was very effective. 0:20:14.320 --> 0:20:17.320 And then when I got home, I was still exercising, 0:20:17.320 --> 0:20:20.919 but I was just limited, And I think that just 0:20:21.040 --> 0:20:27.520 kind of shifted my mindset into believing that I couldn't 0:20:28.000 --> 0:20:29.159 do what I used to do. 0:20:32.320 --> 0:20:34.000 And then. 0:20:35.520 --> 0:20:39.439 Shortly after that, after actually getting home, is when I 0:20:39.440 --> 0:20:45.480 got pregnant, So then limited in my mind thinking I'm 0:20:45.520 --> 0:20:49.080 still limited, but now I'm even more limited because I'm 0:20:49.119 --> 0:20:55.160 pregnant and gained weight and all of that. And then 0:20:55.600 --> 0:21:01.359 after having my first son, I like I would walk, 0:21:01.440 --> 0:21:06.240 but it just wasn't the same, like I like intense workouts, 0:21:06.960 --> 0:21:11.000 and I just felt very like, oh, I guess I 0:21:11.040 --> 0:21:16.359 can't do this anymore. But I did try in different ways. 0:21:16.400 --> 0:21:20.920 I did try, and then I had my second son, 0:21:21.280 --> 0:21:25.959 and I actually was probably more consistently active with my 0:21:26.000 --> 0:21:28.240 second son than I have been in a long time 0:21:28.720 --> 0:21:31.720 because I was really afraid of putting on even more weight. 0:21:32.520 --> 0:21:36.399 So and I was working out a lot up until 0:21:36.400 --> 0:21:43.879 like maybe like the thirty second week of that pregnancy, 0:21:43.960 --> 0:21:45.720 and then after I had my second son and was 0:21:45.760 --> 0:21:48.560 just kind of all downhill from there, like I haven't 0:21:48.600 --> 0:21:51.920 gotten back into a regular routine. I finally found the gym, 0:21:51.960 --> 0:21:53.240 and then I was like, all right, I'm gonna just 0:21:53.280 --> 0:21:55.720 take the kids with me to the gym. And I 0:21:55.760 --> 0:21:57.520 was doing that for a little bit, and then I 0:21:57.560 --> 0:22:03.920 fell off from that and I just have not consistently exercised. 0:22:04.320 --> 0:22:05.880 Whether it's. 0:22:07.400 --> 0:22:13.520 Whether it's like a pain issue or a motivation discipline issue, 0:22:13.880 --> 0:22:19.480 or just like depression, whatever it is, it's like there's 0:22:19.520 --> 0:22:22.280 like a lot of blockages and I just haven't gotten 0:22:22.320 --> 0:22:27.840 over those hurdles, and it's extremely frustrating. 0:22:28.480 --> 0:22:32.879 So of all the things you've accomplished, like your business success, 0:22:33.000 --> 0:22:38.800 your military accomplishments, your academic accomplishments, I have to believe 0:22:39.960 --> 0:22:42.720 you know, being an African American woman from New Jersey, 0:22:43.600 --> 0:22:46.199 that there were lots of obstacles that you faced on 0:22:46.280 --> 0:22:48.560 the way to those things. Would I be right in 0:22:48.600 --> 0:22:53.720 thinking that, Yeah, how did you overcome those? 0:22:57.440 --> 0:22:59.320 How did I overcome those obstacles? 0:22:59.400 --> 0:22:59.680 Yeah? 0:23:00.000 --> 0:23:03.639 I'm just I just I'm a I'm a big picture 0:23:03.760 --> 0:23:06.919 kind of girl. Like I don't really tend to be 0:23:08.880 --> 0:23:18.320 affected too much about people's opinions or by people or 0:23:18.359 --> 0:23:21.800 different obstacles, like if it's if the mission is clear, 0:23:22.040 --> 0:23:25.479 like there's not too many things that are going to 0:23:25.560 --> 0:23:28.800 sway me from the mission. Like when I was in 0:23:28.840 --> 0:23:31.880 the military, I was an MP, there was a lot 0:23:31.920 --> 0:23:38.080 of there's a lot of like I would say, actually 0:23:38.080 --> 0:23:42.200 probably more covert sexism than racism. 0:23:42.520 --> 0:23:43.640 But once I. 0:23:43.720 --> 0:23:48.080 Was a sergeant, I definitely felt a lot of tension 0:23:48.160 --> 0:23:55.680 from some of the younger males, like even Hispanic who 0:23:55.880 --> 0:24:04.720 seem to have some difficulties with my leadership. But not really. 0:24:06.000 --> 0:24:07.560 It was a lot of it was a lot. It 0:24:07.680 --> 0:24:10.960 was a lot The military is a lot, Like there's 0:24:11.000 --> 0:24:14.359 a lot to learn. Yeah, there's a lot to learn, 0:24:14.359 --> 0:24:20.199 but there's also like the sexism is real, and I 0:24:20.240 --> 0:24:24.200 don't you know, people will say no, no, no, but 0:24:24.520 --> 0:24:28.480 it really is. It feels like when you're in the 0:24:28.480 --> 0:24:33.920 military that men tend to put you into two boxes. 0:24:34.520 --> 0:24:37.000 So one you're either going to be someone they want 0:24:37.040 --> 0:24:41.040 to fuck and that they're trying to actively pursue, or 0:24:41.720 --> 0:24:46.520 someone who they at three boxes, So the second one 0:24:46.560 --> 0:24:50.080 would be the bitch, so you are just. 0:24:49.480 --> 0:24:49.920 Just a bitch. 0:24:50.000 --> 0:24:52.080 Nobody wants to fuck with you because you have a 0:24:52.119 --> 0:24:55.160 nasty attitude or you think you are. 0:24:56.960 --> 0:24:58.480 More than what they perceive you to be. 0:24:59.720 --> 0:25:01.680 And then and there's the third category of like you're 0:25:01.720 --> 0:25:03.960 just one of the homies, so we see you more 0:25:04.000 --> 0:25:09.360 like a brother figure. So I most of the time 0:25:09.400 --> 0:25:15.640 I fit into the bitch box. Definitely the first box 0:25:15.680 --> 0:25:19.439 as well for some people, but I wasn't there to 0:25:19.600 --> 0:25:22.720 have relationships with people like that, so I didn't, you know, 0:25:22.800 --> 0:25:26.200 most people didn't. If they thought they was going to 0:25:26.240 --> 0:25:28.800 pursue me that way, they quickly, for the most part, 0:25:28.840 --> 0:25:31.520 put me into the second box because they knew that 0:25:31.560 --> 0:25:35.000 it wasn't going to happen, right. But once you get 0:25:35.000 --> 0:25:37.800 into that second box, it's a difficult box to be 0:25:38.040 --> 0:25:43.800 in because you want people to you know, follow you. 0:25:44.240 --> 0:25:46.720 You want them to be to perceive you as a 0:25:46.720 --> 0:25:52.560 good leader. And if they think that you're, you know, 0:25:52.960 --> 0:25:58.800 this person that's that's not approachable or not fuckable or 0:25:58.840 --> 0:26:03.680 not the homie, then it's like, hmmm, we don't really 0:26:03.720 --> 0:26:07.919 deal with her like that, right, you know. So it 0:26:07.960 --> 0:26:09.880 was a very interesting experience. 0:26:12.960 --> 0:26:13.040 Now. 0:26:13.119 --> 0:26:15.520 Granted, even if you're in that box, though, it's not 0:26:15.640 --> 0:26:17.000 that you're necessarily. 0:26:16.520 --> 0:26:18.200 Doing anything that makes you a bitch. 0:26:18.560 --> 0:26:20.960 You could probably be doing the exact same things as 0:26:20.960 --> 0:26:24.800 your fellow male sergeant, right, But because it's coming from 0:26:24.800 --> 0:26:27.520 a woman, that's the box I got to put you in, 0:26:27.840 --> 0:26:31.760 you know. So, yeah, it's a lot of things to navigate. 0:26:31.800 --> 0:26:38.040 But I just don't get deterred very easily. And maybe 0:26:38.040 --> 0:26:41.640