Speaker 1: It's very common that persons of color struggle with finding
Speaker 1: a therapist that looks like them, and they often ask me,
Speaker 1: is that a necessity? Meaning if they can't find a
Speaker 1: therapist that looks like them, should that be a deal breaker,
Speaker 1: And the answer is no. I do think it is
Speaker 1: best when you can find a therapist that looks like them,
Speaker 1: because therapy, when it's done outside of the recipient of
Speaker 1: the therapy's culture, can actually cause cultural ruptures and cause harm.
Speaker 1: To give you an example is I cannot explain what
Speaker 1: it's like to a non African American what it's like
Speaker 1: to be an African American in our society, in our culture,
Speaker 1: and I can remember times specifically hearing arguments from people
Speaker 1: saying things like, if black people would just listen to
Speaker 1: the police officer, they'll stop being shot, and that stuff
Speaker 1: causes me great harm and trying to explain why that's
Speaker 1: actually not true to someone in my culture is a
Speaker 1: very different experience than someone outside of it. So I
Speaker 1: don't think it should be a deal breaker, but I
Speaker 1: do think it is best. Now if I could give
Speaker 1: advice to someone outside of the black culture or outside
Speaker 1: of the persons of color culture who needs to provide
Speaker 1: therapy to people inside of it, you have to do
Speaker 1: two very very important things. Number one, you have to
Speaker 1: listen intently to what your client is saying. And number two,
Speaker 1: you genuinely have to put yourself in the position where
Speaker 1: your client is teaching you about their lived experience without
Speaker 1: you judging what that lived experience is, and without you
Speaker 1: assessing for truth of that lived experience. I think this
Speaker 1: is probably the biggest strength of solution focused brief therapy,
Speaker 1: and my biggest critique of psychotherapy traditionally done is in psychotherapy,
Speaker 1: traditionally the number one skill the therapist has is their
Speaker 1: ability to assess. And as a black man, if I'm
Speaker 1: talking to you about what it's like to live in Texas,
Speaker 1: in America, in our current state of politics, and in
Speaker 1: our current state of social upheaval, I don't want to
Speaker 1: be judged or assessed. You just need to allow me
Speaker 1: to explain to you what my lived experience is. And
Speaker 1: that's not an easily done thing in traditional psychotherapy, but
Speaker 1: it's actually woven into the fabric of solution focused brief therapy.
Speaker 1: So it's why I think this approach is so strong
Speaker 1: and so adequate to work with people of color and
Speaker 1: anyone who is not of that culture who needs to
Speaker 1: work with people in that culture. That's my advice. Welcome
Speaker 1: back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliott Connie, and
Speaker 1: as usual, I want to ask you what's been better
Speaker 1: since you listened to the previous episode. This is not
Speaker 1: just a redundant question that I ask at each episode.
Speaker 1: It actually has a purpose, and that is to help
Speaker 1: you focus on the things you desire more than the
Speaker 1: things you don't. That is the exercise this family went through,
Speaker 1: and it's what I want you to go through too.
Speaker 1: In this week's episode, Jay mentioned something very important. She
Speaker 1: just wants to find safety in her femininity. Jay has
Speaker 1: lost trust in David's ability to follow through, so thus
Speaker 1: she started like paying bills. And that doesn't mean she's
Speaker 1: being more masculine. She's just doing what's necessary. And in
Speaker 1: the same way, Jay is a very amazing woman. So like,
Speaker 1: let's say she decided, I'm gonna be the bread winner
Speaker 1: and I want my husband and slash partner to be
Speaker 1: the stay at home dad. People would accuse that stay
Speaker 1: at home dad of being feminine, but it's not. She
Speaker 1: could out earn many men, So why wouldn't she be
Speaker 1: the one that goes out and does the job. She's
Speaker 1: more educated than most men. So, like that conversation, whether
Speaker 1: we admit it or not, we look up on masculine
Speaker 1: energy and look down on feminine energy when it's being
Speaker 1: performed by the opposite partner.
Speaker 2: And that's odd.
Speaker 1: And I want to kind of explain a little bit
Speaker 1: about the context in which we are finding that, because
Speaker 1: this becomes a very important part of the dynamic in
Speaker 1: Jay's life that is playing itself out. Jay is and
Speaker 1: I'm not saying this lightly, This is not hyperbole. She's
Speaker 1: literally one of the strongest, most independent women I've ever met,
Speaker 1: and I mean that as a compliment. Jay is the
Speaker 1: kind of person that when she sees a task needs
Speaker 1: to be done, she is capable of doing that task.
Speaker 1: And she's been that way for a very long time.
Speaker 1: That is not just isolated to how she is in relationships.
Speaker 1: It's how she is professionally, it's how she is in business,
Speaker 1: it's how she was in the military. She has a
Speaker 1: very very strong personality, and people with this level of
Speaker 1: strength in their personality in order for her to be soft,
Speaker 1: as she referred to it, But for this context, I'm
Speaker 1: going to say, like less alpha, she needs to be
Speaker 1: around someone that she trusts. If I don't perform the task,
Speaker 1: or if I don't pick up the pace, or if
Speaker 1: I don't carry the weight, my partner is perfectly capable
Speaker 1: of doing it as well. And I think some of
Speaker 1: the frustration that has gotten David and Jay into this
Speaker 1: current space is Jay not trusting that if I don't
Speaker 1: do it, my partner will do it and do it
Speaker 1: in an adequate way. So when she's referring to I
Speaker 1: want to be in my soft era, she's saying, I
Speaker 1: want to see his confidence, his strength, his bravado. I
Speaker 1: want to see his alphaness come up so that I
Speaker 1: can relax, so that I can be calm, so that
Speaker 1: I can be soft, which is a version of herself
Speaker 1: that she would like to be more of.
Speaker 2: Since our last session, what have you noticed?
Speaker 3: What have I noticed?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 5: I don't know, but I do know.
Speaker 4: In our last session, we talked about the possibility of
Speaker 4: me showing up for my partner and I guess expressing
Speaker 4: love the way that I like to express love. We
Speaker 4: talked about that, and I told you that I would
Speaker 4: sit with that idea, and I have to say that.
Speaker 4: The request kind of pissed me off because I but
Speaker 4: I realized, also, you don't really have a lot of
Speaker 4: context of our relationship and you asking me to show
Speaker 4: up for him again. It was just like, what, why
Speaker 4: would you ask me to do that? And not only why,
Speaker 4: but what would be the benefit of me continuing to
Speaker 4: give to someone who I feel takes advantage of me.
Speaker 4: And when I told you, you know that I was tired.
Speaker 5: You know the relationship has been exhausting for me.
Speaker 4: I didn't feel that you really understood that comment, or
Speaker 4: at least didn't place enough weight on what I was expressing.
Speaker 4: I did not want to show up for him like
Speaker 4: that again, and I do not, and I will not.
Speaker 4: There has to be accountability, accountability on his part to
Speaker 4: show up in this relationship and love me in the
Speaker 4: way that I want to be loved before he gets
Speaker 4: the benefits of my love again, I won't. I won't
Speaker 4: do that for him. But what I will do is
Speaker 4: I'll do it for myself, and I'll do it for
Speaker 4: the people that I feel like have been you know,
Speaker 4: taking care of me, loving on me. I won't do
Speaker 4: it for him. So I think, because like I said,
Speaker 4: because you don't know our relationship. That may have been
Speaker 4: a reasonable request in your mind, but hell though, no,
Speaker 4: not doing that for him, no more until I see
Speaker 4: evidence of his ability to to show up for me
Speaker 4: in that way.
Speaker 5: So that is.
Speaker 4: Basically the boundary that I've put in place when it
Speaker 4: comes to us. And you may think, well, I'm cheating myself,
Speaker 4: and I would disagree. I'm not cheating myself. I know
Speaker 4: how to show him love, I know how to express love.
Speaker 4: I've done it so many times for him, so I
Speaker 4: know that I'm capable of doing it for him.
Speaker 5: Or someone else.
Speaker 4: But what I'm not doing is showing myself that love
Speaker 4: and what and That's where I'm trying to get to.
Speaker 4: So that's pretty much what I felt when you asked
Speaker 4: me that question and what I've thought about as what
Speaker 4: I've thought about as far as that request goes.
Speaker 1: Okay, And to be clear, I'm not saying that you're
Speaker 1: cheating yourself because I don't believe that you. You said
Speaker 1: that I didn't have the context. Is there any context
Speaker 1: you want to give me?
Speaker 6: Mm hmmm.
Speaker 4: I think without going into specific examples, I've just from
Speaker 4: the beginning of our relationship, I've made every effort, at
Speaker 4: least in the earlier years, to plan stuff for him
Speaker 4: to make him feel special, to make him feel like
Speaker 4: an amazing man that I appreciated. I've you know, taken
Speaker 4: the time to really organize things for his birthday or
Speaker 4: just in general to let him know that he's loved
Speaker 4: and that he's important. And those types of plannings and
Speaker 4: all of that kind of started to trickle down as
Speaker 4: our years went on because I felt like it wasn't
Speaker 4: being reciprocated. But what I did do is made sure
Speaker 4: that we were good as far as financially. Every house
Speaker 4: that we have lived in is one that I have
Speaker 4: made happen. So it's it's kind of like, in some ways,
Speaker 4: a shift and given him the things that I wanted
Speaker 4: to give him versus the giving him the things that
Speaker 4: we needed to have as a family. And in that shift,
Speaker 4: there's also been this shift of I guess femininity into
Speaker 4: a more masculine role.
Speaker 1: You I don't really want you shifting into the more
Speaker 1: masculine roles.
Speaker 4: That's what you're saying, yes, And I don't like it here.
Speaker 4: I don't want to be I don't want to be
Speaker 4: in the masculine I under stand that we are both
Speaker 4: all people are. To quote the poet and well renowned
Speaker 4: comedian Kat Williams.
Speaker 1: You are not about to about that I am, and
Speaker 1: you're not about a poet.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, yes, the poet.
Speaker 5: The poet.
Speaker 2: I gotta get ready.
Speaker 4: Twenty first century poet Kat Williams.
Speaker 2: All right, I gotta get ready. Here we go.
Speaker 5: So it's so deep.
Speaker 4: Basically, he said, you know, we we both have a mother,
Speaker 4: we both have a father, so inherently we are mixed.
Speaker 4: And it sounds so silly and it's simple, but it's true.
Speaker 4: We are a mixture of the masculine and the feminine.
Speaker 6: And.
Speaker 4: We there has to be a balance. I don't know
Speaker 4: if there has to be a balance, but there is
Speaker 4: certainly both of that in us. So we're all mixed.
Speaker 4: We all have this, these two parts of us. And
Speaker 4: I don't don't feel feminine in our relationship up to
Speaker 4: this point, I would say, over the last few years,
Speaker 4: because I am the protector, I am the provider, and
Speaker 4: I know we live in an age where these these
Speaker 4: gender roles are becoming less accepted by the masses. But
Speaker 4: to me, those roles make sense, and I don't really.
Speaker 5: I don't.
Speaker 4: I want to lean more into my femininity, but I
Speaker 4: find it difficult to do that with him.
Speaker 1: And then another thing you said was I'm trying to
Speaker 1: like love myself, right, can you tell me more about that? Like,
Speaker 1: what does loving yourself look like like?
Speaker 2: In your head?
Speaker 1: If you become like really good at loving Jay, how
Speaker 1: do you imagine that looks.
Speaker 4: I imagine it would look like me taking care of
Speaker 4: myself physically, emotional, spiritually. Like that, I would start prioritizing
Speaker 4: my needs and my wants over other people. That I
Speaker 4: would start making sure that I'm filling my cup. And
Speaker 4: filling my cup looks like going on a trip for
Speaker 4: a weekend by myself, which is what I'm doing. So
Speaker 4: it would look like me, you know, waking up in
Speaker 4: the morning and praying for you know, a few minutes,
Speaker 4: meditating for a few minutes, getting my head focused.
Speaker 5: It would look like me.
Speaker 4: Exercising on a regular basis and eating healthier foods.
Speaker 5: It would look like possibly.
Speaker 4: Getting a hobby or something I don't know, like doing
Speaker 4: something that I just enjoy doing for the sake of
Speaker 4: doing it and because it makes me happy. It would
Speaker 4: look like listening to music more and listening to new
Speaker 4: artists more, which is actually something that I've been doing too,
Speaker 4: because music has always been a really important part of
Speaker 4: my life and it takes me to a place that
Speaker 4: makes me feel good. So doing more of that, which
Speaker 4: for some reason over the last few years I've done
Speaker 4: a lot less of. I mean, COVID played a part
Speaker 4: in it, because I did like to use to go
Speaker 4: to like concerts and stuff. But even before that, just
Speaker 4: you know, not connecting with music was you know, an
Speaker 4: indicator to me like something's off here, because there's always
Speaker 4: been a part of my life. So doing those types
Speaker 4: of things filling my cup and filling my cup first
Speaker 4: as much as possible, like, yes, I'm a mom, but
Speaker 4: if my cup is full, then I can pour into
Speaker 4: them even better than I have been, so yeah, and
Speaker 4: then also setting boundaries with people who I feel like
Speaker 4: do not appreciate me. That's part of taking care of myself,
Speaker 4: you know, telling people and letting them no, like this
Speaker 4: this is the buck stops here, Like we're not doing
Speaker 4: this no more because it does not feed into me,
Speaker 4: it doesn't make me feel good. Really dealing with self
Speaker 4: esteem issues and you know, really really digging into that
Speaker 4: and figuring out you know, why do I feel the
Speaker 4: way that I feel.
Speaker 1: Trust in the therapy process is actually the therapist's responsibility,
Speaker 1: and they have to continually work at gaining and maintaining
Speaker 1: client trust. Now, I'm going to tell you this is
Speaker 1: an incredibly difficult thing to do, and it's an incredibly
Speaker 1: fragile part of the process, but we have to constantly
Speaker 1: work at it. Now, it's not necessary that the therapists
Speaker 1: explain what they're observing to the client in real time,
Speaker 1: though that might help. It's more important that you keep
Speaker 1: performing your job with integrity and honor and continue to
Speaker 1: work towards what the client's desired outcome from the therapy is.
Speaker 1: It's not uncommon that the client knows what they want
Speaker 1: and they think they know how to get there, but
Speaker 1: the therapist is the one that is trained and understands
Speaker 1: what the healing journey would look like. Now, I don't
Speaker 1: say that the therapist ideas get to trump the client's ideas,
Speaker 1: but I will say they have to work in collaboration,
Speaker 1: and sometimes the therapist is going to be doing things
Speaker 1: that the client does not understand, simply because it's not
Speaker 1: been a part of their life to participate and facilitate
Speaker 1: therapy sessions. But that's our job. I get really irritated
Speaker 1: and frustrated with clinicians who think that the client is
Speaker 1: supposed to just arbitrarily gift them with trust. It is
Speaker 1: our responsibility to earn it. That's a continuous responsibility, and
Speaker 1: we have to maintain it. It's fragile and will sometimes
Speaker 1: waiver and fluctuate throughout the therapy process, but it's always
Speaker 1: our job. Jay really struggles with changing her mindset to
Speaker 1: take care of herself. Does this all stem from her childhood?
Speaker 1: I actually think it does. Jay has a habit of
Speaker 1: not paying as much attention as she should to her
Speaker 1: successes and paying a lot of attention to her flaws
Speaker 1: and mistakes, and as a consequence, this leads to bouts
Speaker 1: of depression and anxiety and insecurities. If Jay were able
Speaker 1: to flip that, then the reverse would happen. She'd have
Speaker 1: an increase in confidence and an increase of self esteem.
Speaker 1: The most likely source of this pattern is the absence
Speaker 1: of her father during really critical times in her life,
Speaker 1: when most people are being told good job and receiving
Speaker 1: other sources of praise, which build up our psyche and
Speaker 1: build up our self esteem and make us more resilient
Speaker 1: through the life cycle during really critical times. That missing
Speaker 1: in Jay's life, and that is a likely contributor to
Speaker 1: this pattern. When did it switch? When do you remember
Speaker 1: going from active to the less active version of yourself
Speaker 1: that you'd rather not be.
Speaker 4: Really after my second deployment, because I was dealing with
Speaker 4: some pain management that I you know, I was limiting
Speaker 4: my ability to deal with or would not deal with,
Speaker 4: but to exercise in the way that I wanted to,
Speaker 4: and I think I just kind of let that like
Speaker 4: I was still active, but not the way that I
Speaker 4: was prior to to dealing with some of my injuries
Speaker 4: that were kind of increase the pain with the injuries
Speaker 4: had increased, and I was going to physical therapy when
Speaker 4: I came home. Oh well, when I came back to
Speaker 4: the States and didn't feel like that was very effective.
Speaker 4: And then when I got home, I was still exercising,
Speaker 4: but I was just limited, And I think that just
Speaker 4: kind of shifted my mindset into believing that I couldn't
Speaker 4: do what I used to do.
Speaker 6: And then.
Speaker 4: Shortly after that, after actually getting home, is when I
Speaker 4: got pregnant, So then limited in my mind thinking I'm
Speaker 4: still limited, but now I'm even more limited because I'm
Speaker 4: pregnant and gained weight and all of that. And then
Speaker 4: after having my first son, I like I would walk,
Speaker 4: but it just wasn't the same, like I like intense workouts,
Speaker 4: and I just felt very like, oh, I guess I
Speaker 4: can't do this anymore. But I did try in different ways.
Speaker 4: I did try, and then I had my second son,
Speaker 4: and I actually was probably more consistently active with my
Speaker 4: second son than I have been in a long time
Speaker 4: because I was really afraid of putting on even more weight.
Speaker 4: So and I was working out a lot up until
Speaker 4: like maybe like the thirty second week of that pregnancy,
Speaker 4: and then after I had my second son and was
Speaker 4: just kind of all downhill from there, like I haven't
Speaker 4: gotten back into a regular routine. I finally found the gym,
Speaker 4: and then I was like, all right, I'm gonna just
Speaker 4: take the kids with me to the gym. And I
Speaker 4: was doing that for a little bit, and then I
Speaker 4: fell off from that and I just have not consistently exercised.
Speaker 3: Whether it's.
Speaker 4: Whether it's like a pain issue or a motivation discipline issue,
Speaker 4: or just like depression, whatever it is, it's like there's
Speaker 4: like a lot of blockages and I just haven't gotten
Speaker 4: over those hurdles, and it's extremely frustrating.
Speaker 1: So of all the things you've accomplished, like your business success,
Speaker 1: your military accomplishments, your academic accomplishments, I have to believe
Speaker 1: you know, being an African American woman from New Jersey,
Speaker 1: that there were lots of obstacles that you faced on
Speaker 1: the way to those things. Would I be right in
Speaker 1: thinking that, Yeah, how did you overcome those?
Speaker 3: How did I overcome those obstacles?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 4: I'm just I just I'm a I'm a big picture
Speaker 4: kind of girl. Like I don't really tend to be
Speaker 4: affected too much about people's opinions or by people or
Speaker 4: different obstacles, like if it's if the mission is clear,
Speaker 4: like there's not too many things that are going to
Speaker 4: sway me from the mission. Like when I was in
Speaker 4: the military, I was an MP, there was a lot
Speaker 4: of there's a lot of like I would say, actually
Speaker 4: probably more covert sexism than racism.
Speaker 5: But once I.
Speaker 4: Was a sergeant, I definitely felt a lot of tension
Speaker 4: from some of the younger males, like even Hispanic who
Speaker 4: seem to have some difficulties with my leadership. But not really.
Speaker 4: It was a lot of it was a lot. It
Speaker 4: was a lot The military is a lot, Like there's
Speaker 4: a lot to learn. Yeah, there's a lot to learn,
Speaker 4: but there's also like the sexism is real, and I
Speaker 4: don't you know, people will say no, no, no, but
Speaker 4: it really is. It feels like when you're in the
Speaker 4: military that men tend to put you into two boxes.
Speaker 4: So one you're either going to be someone they want
Speaker 4: to fuck and that they're trying to actively pursue, or
Speaker 4: someone who they at three boxes, So the second one
Speaker 4: would be the bitch, so you are just.
Speaker 3: Just a bitch.
Speaker 4: Nobody wants to fuck with you because you have a
Speaker 4: nasty attitude or you think you are.
Speaker 5: More than what they perceive you to be.
Speaker 4: And then and there's the third category of like you're
Speaker 4: just one of the homies, so we see you more
Speaker 4: like a brother figure. So I most of the time
Speaker 4: I fit into the bitch box. Definitely the first box
Speaker 4: as well for some people, but I wasn't there to
Speaker 4: have relationships with people like that, so I didn't, you know,
Speaker 4: most people didn't. If they thought they was going to
Speaker 4: pursue me that way, they quickly, for the most part,
Speaker 4: put me into the second box because they knew that
Speaker 4: it wasn't going to happen, right. But once you get
Speaker 4: into that second box, it's a difficult box to be
Speaker 4: in because you want people to you know, follow you.
Speaker 4: You want them to be to perceive you as a
Speaker 4: good leader. And if they think that you're, you know,
Speaker 4: this person that's that's not approachable or not fuckable or
Speaker 4: not the homie, then it's like, hmmm, we don't really
Speaker 4: deal with her like that, right, you know. So it
Speaker 4: was a very interesting experience.
Speaker 5: Now.
Speaker 4: Granted, even if you're in that box, though, it's not
Speaker 4: that you're necessarily.
Speaker 3: Doing anything that makes you a bitch.
Speaker 4: You could probably be doing the exact same things as
Speaker 4: your fellow male sergeant, right, But because it's coming from
Speaker 4: a woman, that's the box I got to put you in,
Speaker 4: you know. So, yeah, it's a lot of things to navigate.
Speaker 4: But I just don't get deterred very easily. And maybe
Speaker 4: that is the problem now, Like I'm just not seeing
Speaker 4: the mission clear, and that's why it's hard for me
Speaker 4: to stay focused on, you know, getting healthier, getting stronger,
Speaker 4: getting more disciplined. Maybe the mission is just not clear.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 2: I was just about to ask you. It's funny you
Speaker 2: say that.
Speaker 1: I was just about to ask you what is the
Speaker 1: current mission? Because there's a part of you that is completely,
Speaker 1: one hundred percent unstoppable. If I want a degree from
Speaker 1: Carnegie Mellon, I'm getting it. If I want to achieve
Speaker 1: higher ranks in the military, I'm doing it. If I
Speaker 1: got to overcome all these obstacles from all these men
Speaker 1: wanting to be with me or thinking I'm a bitch,
Speaker 1: or whatever it is, I don't care. You literally said,
Speaker 1: I'm undeterable. Right, there's a part of you that's just
Speaker 1: like so able to accomplish whatever it is you set
Speaker 1: your mind to. And it was I really liked how
Speaker 1: you said, like, when I see the big picture, I
Speaker 1: think your exact phrase was, I'm a big picture kind
Speaker 1: of girl, and when I see the mission, I'm unstoppable.
Speaker 1: So that begs the obvious question, what is the mission?
Speaker 4: There's I guess there's a few different missions, and maybe
Speaker 4: that's the challenge. So there's a mission of building my businesses,
Speaker 4: becoming financially stable, being able to pass on something to
Speaker 4: my children. There's that mission which I'm pursuing and I'm
Speaker 4: getting there. There's a mission of raising my children. I
Speaker 4: want them to be healthy, happy, whole and good citizens.
Speaker 4: So there's that mission, and I feel like we're getting there.
Speaker 4: But when it comes to the mission of jay Len, like,
Speaker 4: I know, I want to be healthy. Why because not
Speaker 4: being healthy doesn't align with who I want to be, Like,
Speaker 4: I don't want to just be someone who is gaining
Speaker 4: weight and smoking and sitting around and not having an
Speaker 4: active lifestyle. Like how am I going to do that
Speaker 4: for a long period of time and be a good mom?
Speaker 5: Like?
Speaker 4: I don't even I mean, I guess I could be,
Speaker 4: of course, but I've had children older, so I have
Speaker 4: to be physically healthy to be able to keep up
Speaker 4: with them, to be here when they have children, and
Speaker 4: to be you know, in the right mindset. So you know,
Speaker 4: I mean it just it is what it is, Like,
Speaker 4: if I don't take care of myself, I'm not going
Speaker 4: to be able to be here for them.
Speaker 1: And how often, so would you say that the big
Speaker 1: picture or at least a big part of the big
Speaker 1: picture of why being fit and taking care of yourself
Speaker 1: is because it'll it'll make you feel like a better mom?
Speaker 1: Would you say that part of it?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: How often do you think about that.
Speaker 1: Like, when you're, you know, waking up in the morning
Speaker 1: thinking about your day, how often do you think about,
Speaker 1: if I can fit going to the gym into my
Speaker 1: day today, it'll make me feel like a better mom.
Speaker 4: I think about it all the time, but it instead
Speaker 4: of it motivating me, it just depresses me even more
Speaker 4: because I'm not doing it. So it's just like, oh,
Speaker 4: I know if I did this, it would make me better,
Speaker 4: but then I'm not doing it, so it's like, damn,
Speaker 4: you suck, Like what's your problem? You know, Like you
Speaker 4: know that the outcome of doing this is good for you,
Speaker 4: but you are not doing.
Speaker 1: It to what would help you? Think about it in
Speaker 1: a way that triggers that undeterrible part of you. Like,
Speaker 1: what's different about the way you think about the big
Speaker 1: picture in a way that triggers the undeterable part of
Speaker 1: Jay versus the way you think about it when it
Speaker 1: kind of depresses you.
Speaker 3: I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel like I just lost
Speaker 3: that part of me.
Speaker 1: Like if you woke up tomorrow and rediscover that part
Speaker 1: of her, how would your life be different?
Speaker 4: I would pursue a more active and healthier lifestyle.
Speaker 2: Other than being a better mom. What else would that
Speaker 2: do for you?
Speaker 4: Well, I mean as far as like dealing with depression,
Speaker 4: like you, if you're active, it's a lot it's a
Speaker 4: lot harder to be depressed. It's a lot harder.
Speaker 1: It's not true. It is impossible, Jay, It's not just
Speaker 1: a lot harder. It's impossible to be depressed, right, right, right?
Speaker 1: How long has the depression been there? This depression thing
Speaker 1: you're talking about, How long has.
Speaker 2: It been there?
Speaker 3: I would say probably first deployment.
Speaker 2: It first deployment. What year was that?
Speaker 3: Twenty twelve?
Speaker 2: God, leave, man, that's a long time.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I mean.
Speaker 4: I have been diagnosed with PTSD, but I don't think
Speaker 4: it really shows up for me and in the ways
Speaker 4: that I have it does for some other people.
Speaker 3: So so part.
Speaker 4: Of it is like anxiety and certain environments. For a
Speaker 4: while it was like sleep issues. But I think a
Speaker 4: big part of it was like survirus remorse. So I think, like,
Speaker 4: I don't really want to get too deep into it,
Speaker 4: but I think a part of it is that you know, wow,
Speaker 4: these people, these people didn't make it home, but I did,
Speaker 4: and I should be thankful. But it's also like, I
Speaker 4: don't know, it just kind of with me.
Speaker 1: How have you lived life carrying this with you for
Speaker 1: a decade or a little more than a decade, Like
Speaker 1: what have you drawn upon within yourself to carry this
Speaker 1: with you for so long?
Speaker 4: In some ways, there's avoidance, like just not not dealing
Speaker 4: with it, but also avoidance of the things that make
Speaker 4: trigger it, so just not being in a certain environment,
Speaker 4: but also I guess just just working on I don't know,
Speaker 4: like just not not focusing on it so much, just
Speaker 4: trying to, you know, just keep keep moving forward, keep
Speaker 4: stay focused. And I don't know, like this may sound
Speaker 4: like a crazy thing to say, but I don't feel
Speaker 4: like black women really have the opportunity to be fully depressed.
Speaker 4: And I know that sounds crazy, but there's so many
Speaker 4: things that we have to do, and there's not a
Speaker 4: lot of grace that I feel like is given, not
Speaker 4: just to black women, women in general, or whatever you
Speaker 4: know category you fall into. But for me, speaking from
Speaker 4: my experience and who I am, there were things that
Speaker 4: I felt like I was dealing with when I was in.
Speaker 3: My first deployment that would.
Speaker 4: Just kind of ignored by people who are around me
Speaker 4: kind of like fuck her, like she's that, she's that.
Speaker 4: But it was like there was no opportunity to kind
Speaker 4: of just be dealing with the things that I was
Speaker 4: dealing with then. But then even now, it's just like
Speaker 4: I don't I cannot fully be depressed. I cannot fully
Speaker 4: and I guess it's a good thing, but there's just
Speaker 4: like when you can't fully live in what you're experiencing,
Speaker 4: you don't ever really fully address it in some ways,
Speaker 4: so you just kind of just push it to the
Speaker 4: back and you just move forward.
Speaker 3: You just move forward.
Speaker 5: You just move forward.
Speaker 3: But sometimes it becomes too much.
Speaker 4: And you can't really figure out how to move forward anymore,
Speaker 4: even though you're still doing a lot, you know, like
Speaker 4: I'm still doing a lot of shit, Like I'm still
Speaker 4: a homeowner, I'm still a landlord, I'm still a mom,
Speaker 4: I'm still you know, working full time. I'm still like
Speaker 4: running helping run along and mad like, I'm still doing
Speaker 4: all of these things absolutely, but deep down it's like,
Speaker 4: how is it. It's not being dealt with, So it
Speaker 4: is manifesting into you're not taking curious though you're doing
Speaker 4: these things, but you are not taking care of you.
Speaker 1: First of all, what you said does not sound as
Speaker 1: crazy as you might think. I actually think it requires
Speaker 1: such an amazing amount of strength to be a woman
Speaker 1: in our society, and specifically and in particularly a black woman.
Speaker 1: And something you said really hit me a bit when
Speaker 1: you said, like, society doesn't give us grace. Do you
Speaker 1: remember just saying that?
Speaker 2: I agree with you. I don't think.
Speaker 1: Society gives women of color the same grace that it
Speaker 1: gives like cis gender white men for example. Right, how
Speaker 1: would help you if you gave yourself the level of
Speaker 1: grace that has been held from you by society.
Speaker 4: I mean, I guess in a sense, I just would
Speaker 4: be able to be more fully.
Speaker 3: Human.
Speaker 4: I think in some ways that I'm kind of like
Speaker 4: a workforce.
Speaker 3: So it's just like.
Speaker 4: Working, working, producing, producing, But that is not the full
Speaker 4: human experience. It's not even part of it. I mean
Speaker 4: it's not even like half of it. So I think
Speaker 4: with that grace, I get to be fully myself.
Speaker 1: I was just gonna say, and how would you notice
Speaker 1: yourself giving yourself grace?
Speaker 3: Can you ask that question in a different way.
Speaker 1: Yes, you have a life where you wake up and
Speaker 1: you do all of these amazing things. I'm a mom,
Speaker 1: I'm a co parent, I'm a homeowner, I work full time,
Speaker 1: I run, I help run the laundry mat and just
Speaker 1: so many things. And at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: you're more upset about what you didn't do than you
Speaker 1: are proud of what you did, which is almost like
Speaker 1: the defining quality of grace. What would happen if you
Speaker 1: started being more proud of what you did do and
Speaker 1: less attending to what you didn't.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I don't know, because what I'm not doing is
Speaker 4: so important. So I was like, yeah, that stuff is
Speaker 4: great too, and it is important, but but what I'm
Speaker 4: not doing is also really significant.
Speaker 2: I'm not in any way negating that.
Speaker 1: I think My point is when you attend, and this
Speaker 1: is like the basic rule of mentality. One of the
Speaker 1: things that's fascinating to me about you, Jay, is the
Speaker 1: strength of your mind. It is abnormally strong and leads
Speaker 1: to you accomplishing abnormal things. Okay, So one of the
Speaker 1: things that stands out to me is if I want
Speaker 1: to do and this is true for anybody, It is
Speaker 1: true for any human being walking the planet. If I
Speaker 1: want to depress, I need to think about the things.
Speaker 2: I'm not good at.
Speaker 1: Okay, I need to think about my flaws and my
Speaker 1: failures and guess what. Every human being has flaws and failures.
Speaker 1: So if I want to feel worse about my life,
Speaker 1: just pay attention to my flaws, my failures, the things
Speaker 1: about me that aren't great. You have such a powerful mind, Jay,
Speaker 1: that when you focus on your flaws and misgivings and failures,
Speaker 1: it will lead you down the path towards depression. And
Speaker 1: I understand you saying, but Elliott, the things I'm not
Speaker 1: doing are really important, and I agree. I'm not negating that,
Speaker 1: but I am saying, in order to activate that powerful
Speaker 1: mind in a way that leads you towards what you want,
Speaker 1: leads you towards the outcome you want to achieve, you've
Speaker 1: got to focus on other things, the things that you
Speaker 1: are great at, and things that you are enjoying, and
Speaker 1: the things that you are proud of. And when you
Speaker 1: have more of those, then you mood escalate. And that's
Speaker 1: true for everybody. But you're spending a lot of your
Speaker 1: time thinking about the things you're not great at, and
Speaker 1: that doesn't lead towards awesomeness.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean? Does that make sense?
Speaker 3: Yea?
Speaker 1: And what I'm noticing is you're focusing so much more
Speaker 1: on your flaws and again, everybody has them, and you're
Speaker 1: spending less time thinking about what makes you so magnificent,
Speaker 1: and that is actually not only is that the pathway
Speaker 1: to taking better care of yourself, that's the pathway to
Speaker 1: overcoming PTSD and depression and sadness and all of these
Speaker 1: other things. Does that mean sense? So for me, the
Speaker 1: question becomes, how do we shift focus of that very
Speaker 1: powerful brain from what is flawed to what is brilliant?
Speaker 1: Because I'm really determined Jay to shift your focus from
Speaker 1: what you aren't doing to who you absolutely actually are,
Speaker 1: especially in this conversation. I think this is a pattern
Speaker 1: that has started, you know, twelve to thirteen years ago,
Speaker 1: and I want to break that pattern because I think
Speaker 1: you're just thinking about things that have gone wrong, just
Speaker 1: because you habitually are starting to think about things that
Speaker 1: have gone wrong that started with the first deployment, And
Speaker 1: I want to unlock your ability to think about things
Speaker 1: that could go right and how kind of remarkable you
Speaker 1: are as a person. Okay, and you said something earlier
Speaker 1: that's really powerful, like like it's harder to feel bad
Speaker 1: when you're taking care of yourself, and that's absolutely not true.
Speaker 2: It's impossible you have achieved in every space you've ever
Speaker 2: stepped into. Do you ever realize that?
Speaker 4: Yeah, I didn't realize that, and I was like, damn,
Speaker 4: that's actually that's true, and not to like bring myself up,
Speaker 4: but like I have no I don't know if I'm
Speaker 4: like trying to.
Speaker 1: Take yourself up, don't steal that back, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean.
Speaker 6: Like, but that's what makes this so frustrating, because it's like, bro,
Speaker 6: you have zero evidence that you are going to fill
Speaker 6: if you take care of yourself, Like there's no evidence
Speaker 6: to support it.
Speaker 3: Like, so what is the problem.
Speaker 5: Maybe I'm just scared. I don't know.
Speaker 2: No, I think we just identified the problem. I think
Speaker 2: that habit. I think it's just become a habit, and
Speaker 2: habits really you can form. Here's the thing about.
Speaker 1: Habits day is we will have a habit that doesn't
Speaker 1: work for us, but we do it just because it's
Speaker 1: a habit, you know what I mean, Like, we don't.
Speaker 1: When I say we, I mean as humans, we don't
Speaker 1: always do a great job of being Like, but does
Speaker 1: this habit move me closer to the outcome I want
Speaker 1: to achieve? And I think you've been doing this particular
Speaker 1: habit for a decade plus, even though it's not a
Speaker 1: habit moving you towards what you hope to achieve.
Speaker 2: Does that make sense?
Speaker 1: So now I'm saying, let's pause for a second and
Speaker 1: be like, wait a minute, let's create a new habit
Speaker 1: that does move us in the direction what we want
Speaker 1: to achieve. And part of doing that is giving yourself
Speaker 1: grace and just taking a step back and being like,
Speaker 1: I got to remind myself who Jay is. And even
Speaker 1: though I know you haven't forgotten all your amazing accomplishments,
Speaker 1: all those things, but we got to put them in
Speaker 1: the forefront. We're got to make you stare at them,
Speaker 1: because quite frankly, they're more important than your failures. I
Speaker 1: think the biggest trait or characteristic to healthy self esteem
Speaker 1: is when you have the ability to look in your
Speaker 1: history for evidence of your successes and allow that to
Speaker 1: contribute to how you view yourself. No one is perfect,
Speaker 1: I want to be very clear about that. So no
Speaker 1: one is going to look in their history and just
Speaker 1: think they've done everything right. But people with really healthy
Speaker 1: self esteem understand I have to accept my flaws, and
Speaker 1: I have the ability to look in my past find
Speaker 1: evidence of my greatness of my successes, of the things
Speaker 1: that make me positive, and I can use those things
Speaker 1: to contribute to how I view myself in spite of
Speaker 1: my flaws. People who struggle with their self esteem, they
Speaker 1: have a tendency to look in their past and only
Speaker 1: see their flaws and only see their mistakes, and then
Speaker 1: in the current state, think that they are flawed and
Speaker 1: think that they are problematic, and think that they are
Speaker 1: not worthy. If you can flip that and find evidence
Speaker 1: of your successes, find evidence of what makes you great,
Speaker 1: find evidence of the positive traits about you while accepting
Speaker 1: your flaws, then you will have healthy self esteatement. What
Speaker 1: difference do you think it would make for you to
Speaker 1: be discovering like, I'm not as bad as I make
Speaker 1: myself out to be in my head.
Speaker 4: Oh, I mean, I guess I'll make a huge difference.
Speaker 4: I think when you are questioning yourself or doubting yourself,
Speaker 4: you have to look at the evidence of your life
Speaker 4: and say, does the evidence support what I'm feeling? And
Speaker 4: not to say that what you feel may not be
Speaker 4: real for you at that moment, But when you come
Speaker 4: back to reality and you you know you look at
Speaker 4: the circumstances of your life, and you say, well, I
Speaker 4: know I'm feeling pretty low. I know I'm feeling pretty bad,
Speaker 4: but look at what I've done.
Speaker 5: You know, I've done this, I've done X, I've done Y.
Speaker 5: I've gotten over these hurdles throughout my life.
Speaker 4: So you know, maybe I am strong, maybe I am resilient,
Speaker 4: maybe I am beautiful or whatever it is that you
Speaker 4: know you're trying to knock yourself from not being when
Speaker 4: you look back at the past, you say, there's really
Speaker 4: no evidence to support this thinking. So the thinking is
Speaker 4: the flaw. You know it's not it's not true. So
Speaker 4: how do you you know you use that to kind
Speaker 4: of shift your mind from from this sinking thinking thoughts?
Speaker 1: Jay, So, I don't think any human being has ever
Speaker 1: said anything ever that I agree with more than what
Speaker 1: you just said. If I have a doubting thought, if
Speaker 1: I just look at the evidence of my life to say,
Speaker 1: is this doubting thought I've had, is this kind of
Speaker 1: down thought I've had, Is this self loathing thought I've had?
Speaker 1: Is there any evidence to it? And when you see
Speaker 1: that there's not, then you'd be like, well, maybe I
Speaker 1: am smart, strong, beautiful, resilience thought? Is that what I
Speaker 1: heard you say?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 1: So what difference will it make in your life when
Speaker 1: that becomes a habit for you? When it's like, all right,
Speaker 1: when I have a negative thought, I take a minute,
Speaker 1: I take a second, I pause, and I look in
Speaker 1: my past to see is there any evidence justifying this
Speaker 1: negative thought? And then you find that there's not. What
Speaker 1: difference will that make in your life when that becomes
Speaker 1: a habit for you?
Speaker 4: When you ask that question, I always find it. I
Speaker 4: find it such a weird question.
Speaker 2: How come?
Speaker 4: Because the answer seems so intuitive that I feel like
Speaker 4: I don't know if I'm giving you the answer that
Speaker 4: you're looking for or if I'm thinking about it in
Speaker 4: the way that you want me to think about it.
Speaker 4: Because I mean, naturally, I would just say it would
Speaker 4: make a huge difference.
Speaker 5: It would be better, like you know what I mean.
Speaker 4: But I just feel like maybe I'm missing something when
Speaker 4: he's asking me that question.
Speaker 1: Because no, well can I I can even I can
Speaker 1: provide more clarity and maybe ask it a different way,
Speaker 1: right because and I don't mean to sound overly hyperbolic
Speaker 1: with this point, but I do mean this, if more
Speaker 1: people did what you just said, there'd be a significant
Speaker 1: less need for therapists.
Speaker 5: Right.
Speaker 1: One of the reasons why we struggle is we're very
Speaker 1: good at thinking a negative thought about ourselves and then
Speaker 1: just automatically believing that negative thought is true, whatever that
Speaker 1: negative thought might be, Like I'm bad at basketball, so
Speaker 1: thus I don't want to go to the park, Like
Speaker 1: we don't even think. But wait a minute, I've played
Speaker 1: on my high school team. I played, and you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. Like, we don't do the exact examination
Speaker 1: you said, reviewing history to see if the evidence of
Speaker 1: that thing is true. We literally just have a negative
Speaker 1: thought and then we behave as if that negative thought
Speaker 1: were true. So the thing that you just said is
Speaker 1: a powerful and important thing. There's a lot of stuff
Speaker 1: in your history. You have all kinds of degrees. You
Speaker 1: have turned yourself into a successful business person while being
Speaker 1: an amazing mod Like, there's a lot of history that
Speaker 1: would counter a negative thought. And most people have history
Speaker 1: that would count a negative thought, they just don't access.
Speaker 1: So when I say what difference would that make, I'm
Speaker 1: asking what I'm wondering is like, in what specific ways
Speaker 1: might your life change if you adopted this habit of
Speaker 1: Like I just had a negative thought. But hold on,
Speaker 1: I'm going to look in my past to see where's
Speaker 1: the evidence of this negative thought. Because if there's no
Speaker 1: evidence of this negative thought, I get to keep thinking
Speaker 1: myself is pretty awesome.
Speaker 4: Right yeah, I mean again, I just feel like, yeah,
Speaker 4: we'll be better, We'll be better. I don't know, it
Speaker 4: would make a difference, it would be a positive difference.
Speaker 4: And I think for me, the challenge is I know
Speaker 4: it would be better. I know that this is a
Speaker 4: type of way that I should approach these types of thoughts.
Speaker 4: The challenge is doing that thing, doing it, you know, doing.
Speaker 5: Doing this can consistently.
Speaker 1: If I had an amount of money to wager that
Speaker 1: was meaningful, not just a little bit of money, but
Speaker 1: a meaningful amount of money, and someone bet me will
Speaker 1: Jay figure this out? I would confidently say yes, she will,
Speaker 1: and I would confidently bet my money on it. And
Speaker 1: what would give me confidence is you figure everything else
Speaker 1: out up until this point, right and you know you've
Speaker 1: always heard the phrase, or people always heard the phrase.
Speaker 2: I don't know if you've heard it.
Speaker 1: The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So
Speaker 1: if this person consistently figures out why wouldn't I Why
Speaker 1: wouldn't I confidently assume she'll figure the next thing out,
Speaker 1: whether that's you know, success in the real estate industry
Speaker 1: or getting back to exercising, or getting her confidence back, Like,
Speaker 1: whatever it is, I would, I would play so a
Speaker 1: meaningful amount of money on you would accomplish it because
Speaker 1: you habitually solve things.
Speaker 2: That's that's kind of what you do.
Speaker 3: True story.
Speaker 1: If I could do one thing in your life, it
Speaker 1: would be to remind you of that and keep that
Speaker 1: on your mind. Like if going through this process, Jay
Speaker 1: did one thing, I hope it would remind you. Like
Speaker 1: when you look in the mirror, you're looking at kind
Speaker 1: of a badass woman who has a habit of functioning
Speaker 1: at a real high level. Like that's that's just your habit.
Speaker 1: It's just what you do. You bubble to the top.
Speaker 1: But it's important to me that when you look at yourself,
Speaker 1: you see someone that habitually accomplishes greatness.
Speaker 3: Spitting bars over there.
Speaker 1: Spitting bars about you. These are bars you gave me
Speaker 1: in my time.
Speaker 4: Of knowing, Yeah, you're right, I just gotta I gotta
Speaker 4: get back to that, to that mindset for sure.
Speaker 1: You know that you know The easiest way to get
Speaker 1: back to that mindset, Jay, what's that?
Speaker 2: To pay attention to it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the old adage is one thousand percent true. Whatever
Speaker 1: you pay attention to grows. So if I pay attention
Speaker 1: to why aren't I that person anymore? What the heck
Speaker 1: is wrong with me? Why am I said? Then that
Speaker 1: actually grows. But if you pay attention to how did
Speaker 1: I become so awesome? What is it that allows me
Speaker 1: to take these kind of risks. Most people don't figure
Speaker 1: out how to make their first investment? How did I
Speaker 1: do that? Then that is what grows. So the fastest
Speaker 1: pathway to the kind of transformation that we're talking about
Speaker 1: is to simply notice it, to simply wake up every
Speaker 1: day and say, I'm going to pay really close attention
Speaker 1: to what makes me great, and I'm going to notice
Speaker 1: that sparkle happening. I'm gonna notice myself instead of paying
Speaker 1: attention to how stuck I am, I'm going to pay
Speaker 1: attention to it, how I've built this little life raft
Speaker 1: of an investment career, and really pay attention to that
Speaker 1: life raft that you built. That's the best way to
Speaker 1: kind of reactivate that part of you. Because every time
Speaker 1: I talk to you. I see this woman that anybody
Speaker 1: would admire, and I'm not sure you admire you. And
Speaker 1: that's the transformation that has the change you need to
Speaker 1: admire you. You're very easy to respect, you're very easy
Speaker 1: to brag about. You're very easy to admire. But I
Speaker 1: don't think you see what everybody else around you sees.
Speaker 1: It's time you start giving yourself credit.
Speaker 3: Jay, You're right. You have to make me cry?
Speaker 2: What is that?
Speaker 4: Because you're right? And it's like, at some point, you know,
Speaker 4: you gotta regardless of how I got to this point
Speaker 4: and this way of thinking, it's like, at what point
Speaker 4: are you going to stop? You know, at what point
Speaker 4: are you going to let it go? And you know,
Speaker 4: you just gotta, you gotta, you gotta take action. You
Speaker 4: gotta do something different. And and I see it, you know,
Speaker 4: I see it clear as day.
Speaker 3: It's just just getting it my own way.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, the.
Speaker 1: How you got into a different mindset is completely irrelevant.
Speaker 1: The only thing that's relevant is transforming it. And the
Speaker 1: best way to transform it is to simply pay attention
Speaker 1: to it.
Speaker 2: It's to simply pay attention to it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Speaker 2: So my friend, Jay, Yes, are we on a new
Speaker 2: mission now?
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, we are.
Speaker 6: We are.
Speaker 1: I think it's incredibly important that people set boundaries to
Speaker 1: protect their energy and their mental health. When people ask
Speaker 1: me what is the biggest threat to mental health, people
Speaker 1: think that I'm going to say things like addiction, anxiety, depression,
Speaker 1: But it's actually not respecting your energy and not setting
Speaker 1: up boundaries in your life to protect them. I can't
Speaker 1: tell you how many times I see people that are
Speaker 1: really really stretched thin and then someone asks them, hey,
Speaker 1: do you want to like hang out and do this
Speaker 1: social thing on the weekend, When it's like, you know,
Speaker 1: you need to say no and take care of yourself. Now,
Speaker 1: some people they need isolated time to rejuvenate. Other people
Speaker 1: they need social time to rejuvenate. But you need to
Speaker 1: make choices that honor your energy and protect your mental health.
Speaker 1: There are certain people that when you're around them, it
Speaker 1: becomes a threat to your energy and mental health, and
Speaker 1: others it becomes an asset to your energy and mental health.
Speaker 1: You've got to make choices that honor that. Since in
Speaker 1: this session, we highlighted Jay's pattern of looking in her
Speaker 1: history and finding flaws and the consequences of that pattern,
Speaker 1: I know there are many people out there listening to
Speaker 1: this episode that also struggle with that. So what I
Speaker 1: would like you to do is get a piece of
Speaker 1: paper or an iPad, whatever it does, you write on,
Speaker 1: and I want you to write down ten achievements you've
Speaker 1: made in your life. I don't care if they're huge
Speaker 1: achievements like you've done big massive things, or even small
Speaker 1: wins like you know you lost five pounds when you
Speaker 1: wanted to. Whatever it is, just write down ten accomplishments
Speaker 1: that you had to put forth even a little effort
Speaker 1: into make successful and make happen. And then for each
Speaker 1: of those ten, I want you to find two traits
Speaker 1: that you have within you that allowed you to achieve
Speaker 1: those ten things. Now, the positive thing that will come
Speaker 1: from this, it's going to force your brain to do
Speaker 1: an incredibly important thing, and that is take credit for
Speaker 1: your successes. We have a tendency to we accept blame
Speaker 1: for what went wrong, but we think that our successes
Speaker 1: are just random or luck. I want you to take
Speaker 1: as much credit for your successes as you take blame
Speaker 1: for your flaws. And when you do that, it will
Speaker 1: transform your mental health, your self esteem, and your confidence.
Speaker 1: This is not just a podcast that I want you
Speaker 1: to consume and be entertained by. I actually want you
Speaker 1: to be inspired. I want you to be impacted by this,
Speaker 1: and in fact, we can't help but be impacted by
Speaker 1: the content we consume. So what I would like for
Speaker 1: you to do is come on this healing journey with us.
Speaker 1: Come on this journey of change rediscovery with us.
Speaker 2: And the way to do.
Speaker 1: That is to just pay attention to the things going
Speaker 1: on in your life as a consequence of listening to
Speaker 1: this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life shifting
Speaker 1: in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable
Speaker 1: outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of your success,
Speaker 1: your resilience, and your strength.
Speaker 2: And let us know in the comments.
Speaker 1: What you're noticing in your life as a result of
Speaker 1: listening to this podcast and as a result of paying
Speaker 1: attention to these things. I would love to hear from
Speaker 1: you about your healing journey, your family, and your feedback.
Speaker 1: Leave a review, send a DM, connect with me on
Speaker 1: socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also send me
Speaker 1: a text message to nine seventy two four two six
Speaker 1: two six four zero. Family Therapy is a production of
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network special thanks to
Speaker 1: our assistant Glendale Sepe. It's produced by Jack Queish Thomas
Speaker 1: and the executive producer Dolly S.
Speaker 2: S Fisher.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio
Speaker 1: app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The
Speaker 1: content presented on the Family Therapy Podcast serves solely for
Speaker 1: educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a
Speaker 1: replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does
Speaker 1: not constitute a provider antient relationship. It is advisable to
Speaker 1: consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any
Speaker 1: specific concerns or questions you may have