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Speaker 1: It's very common that persons of color struggle with finding

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Speaker 1: a therapist that looks like them, and they often ask me,

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Speaker 1: is that a necessity? Meaning if they can't find a

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Speaker 1: therapist that looks like them, should that be a deal breaker,

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Speaker 1: And the answer is no. I do think it is

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Speaker 1: best when you can find a therapist that looks like them,

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Speaker 1: because therapy, when it's done outside of the recipient of

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Speaker 1: the therapy's culture, can actually cause cultural ruptures and cause harm.

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Speaker 1: To give you an example is I cannot explain what

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Speaker 1: it's like to a non African American what it's like

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Speaker 1: to be an African American in our society, in our culture,

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Speaker 1: and I can remember times specifically hearing arguments from people

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Speaker 1: saying things like, if black people would just listen to

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Speaker 1: the police officer, they'll stop being shot, and that stuff

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Speaker 1: causes me great harm and trying to explain why that's

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Speaker 1: actually not true to someone in my culture is a

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Speaker 1: very different experience than someone outside of it. So I

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Speaker 1: don't think it should be a deal breaker, but I

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Speaker 1: do think it is best. Now if I could give

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Speaker 1: advice to someone outside of the black culture or outside

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Speaker 1: of the persons of color culture who needs to provide

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Speaker 1: therapy to people inside of it, you have to do

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Speaker 1: two very very important things. Number one, you have to

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Speaker 1: listen intently to what your client is saying. And number two,

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Speaker 1: you genuinely have to put yourself in the position where

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Speaker 1: your client is teaching you about their lived experience without

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Speaker 1: you judging what that lived experience is, and without you

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Speaker 1: assessing for truth of that lived experience. I think this

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Speaker 1: is probably the biggest strength of solution focused brief therapy,

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Speaker 1: and my biggest critique of psychotherapy traditionally done is in psychotherapy,

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Speaker 1: traditionally the number one skill the therapist has is their

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Speaker 1: ability to assess. And as a black man, if I'm

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Speaker 1: talking to you about what it's like to live in Texas,

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Speaker 1: in America, in our current state of politics, and in

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Speaker 1: our current state of social upheaval, I don't want to

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Speaker 1: be judged or assessed. You just need to allow me

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Speaker 1: to explain to you what my lived experience is. And

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Speaker 1: that's not an easily done thing in traditional psychotherapy, but

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Speaker 1: it's actually woven into the fabric of solution focused brief therapy.

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Speaker 1: So it's why I think this approach is so strong

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Speaker 1: and so adequate to work with people of color and

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Speaker 1: anyone who is not of that culture who needs to

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Speaker 1: work with people in that culture. That's my advice. Welcome

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Speaker 1: back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliott Connie, and

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Speaker 1: as usual, I want to ask you what's been better

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Speaker 1: since you listened to the previous episode. This is not

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Speaker 1: just a redundant question that I ask at each episode.

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Speaker 1: It actually has a purpose, and that is to help

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Speaker 1: you focus on the things you desire more than the

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Speaker 1: things you don't. That is the exercise this family went through,

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Speaker 1: and it's what I want you to go through too.

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Speaker 1: In this week's episode, Jay mentioned something very important. She

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Speaker 1: just wants to find safety in her femininity. Jay has

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Speaker 1: lost trust in David's ability to follow through, so thus

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Speaker 1: she started like paying bills. And that doesn't mean she's

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Speaker 1: being more masculine. She's just doing what's necessary. And in

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Speaker 1: the same way, Jay is a very amazing woman. So like,

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Speaker 1: let's say she decided, I'm gonna be the bread winner

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Speaker 1: and I want my husband and slash partner to be

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Speaker 1: the stay at home dad. People would accuse that stay

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Speaker 1: at home dad of being feminine, but it's not. She

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Speaker 1: could out earn many men, So why wouldn't she be

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Speaker 1: the one that goes out and does the job. She's

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Speaker 1: more educated than most men. So, like that conversation, whether

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Speaker 1: we admit it or not, we look up on masculine

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Speaker 1: energy and look down on feminine energy when it's being

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Speaker 1: performed by the opposite partner.

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Speaker 2: And that's odd.

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Speaker 1: And I want to kind of explain a little bit

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Speaker 1: about the context in which we are finding that, because

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Speaker 1: this becomes a very important part of the dynamic in

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Speaker 1: Jay's life that is playing itself out. Jay is and

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying this lightly, This is not hyperbole. She's

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Speaker 1: literally one of the strongest, most independent women I've ever met,

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Speaker 1: and I mean that as a compliment. Jay is the

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Speaker 1: kind of person that when she sees a task needs

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Speaker 1: to be done, she is capable of doing that task.

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Speaker 1: And she's been that way for a very long time.

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Speaker 1: That is not just isolated to how she is in relationships.

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Speaker 1: It's how she is professionally, it's how she is in business,

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Speaker 1: it's how she was in the military. She has a

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Speaker 1: very very strong personality, and people with this level of

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Speaker 1: strength in their personality in order for her to be soft,

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Speaker 1: as she referred to it, But for this context, I'm

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Speaker 1: going to say, like less alpha, she needs to be

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Speaker 1: around someone that she trusts. If I don't perform the task,

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Speaker 1: or if I don't pick up the pace, or if

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Speaker 1: I don't carry the weight, my partner is perfectly capable

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Speaker 1: of doing it as well. And I think some of

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Speaker 1: the frustration that has gotten David and Jay into this

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Speaker 1: current space is Jay not trusting that if I don't

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Speaker 1: do it, my partner will do it and do it

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Speaker 1: in an adequate way. So when she's referring to I

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Speaker 1: want to be in my soft era, she's saying, I

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Speaker 1: want to see his confidence, his strength, his bravado. I

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Speaker 1: want to see his alphaness come up so that I

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Speaker 1: can relax, so that I can be calm, so that

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Speaker 1: I can be soft, which is a version of herself

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Speaker 1: that she would like to be more of.

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Speaker 2: Since our last session, what have you noticed?

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Speaker 3: What have I noticed?

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Speaker 4: Yeah?

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Speaker 5: I don't know, but I do know.

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Speaker 4: In our last session, we talked about the possibility of

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Speaker 4: me showing up for my partner and I guess expressing

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Speaker 4: love the way that I like to express love. We

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Speaker 4: talked about that, and I told you that I would

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Speaker 4: sit with that idea, and I have to say that.

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Speaker 4: The request kind of pissed me off because I but

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Speaker 4: I realized, also, you don't really have a lot of

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Speaker 4: context of our relationship and you asking me to show

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Speaker 4: up for him again. It was just like, what, why

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Speaker 4: would you ask me to do that? And not only why,

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Speaker 4: but what would be the benefit of me continuing to

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Speaker 4: give to someone who I feel takes advantage of me.

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Speaker 4: And when I told you, you know that I was tired.

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Speaker 5: You know the relationship has been exhausting for me.

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Speaker 4: I didn't feel that you really understood that comment, or

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Speaker 4: at least didn't place enough weight on what I was expressing.

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Speaker 4: I did not want to show up for him like

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Speaker 4: that again, and I do not, and I will not.

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Speaker 4: There has to be accountability, accountability on his part to

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Speaker 4: show up in this relationship and love me in the

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Speaker 4: way that I want to be loved before he gets

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Speaker 4: the benefits of my love again, I won't. I won't

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Speaker 4: do that for him. But what I will do is

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Speaker 4: I'll do it for myself, and I'll do it for

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Speaker 4: the people that I feel like have been you know,

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Speaker 4: taking care of me, loving on me. I won't do

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Speaker 4: it for him. So I think, because like I said,

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Speaker 4: because you don't know our relationship. That may have been

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Speaker 4: a reasonable request in your mind, but hell though, no,

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Speaker 4: not doing that for him, no more until I see

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Speaker 4: evidence of his ability to to show up for me

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Speaker 4: in that way.

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Speaker 5: So that is.

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Speaker 4: Basically the boundary that I've put in place when it

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Speaker 4: comes to us. And you may think, well, I'm cheating myself,

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Speaker 4: and I would disagree. I'm not cheating myself. I know

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Speaker 4: how to show him love, I know how to express love.

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Speaker 4: I've done it so many times for him, so I

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Speaker 4: know that I'm capable of doing it for him.

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Speaker 5: Or someone else.

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Speaker 4: But what I'm not doing is showing myself that love

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Speaker 4: and what and That's where I'm trying to get to.

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Speaker 4: So that's pretty much what I felt when you asked

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Speaker 4: me that question and what I've thought about as what

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Speaker 4: I've thought about as far as that request goes.

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Speaker 1: Okay, And to be clear, I'm not saying that you're

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Speaker 1: cheating yourself because I don't believe that you. You said

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Speaker 1: that I didn't have the context. Is there any context

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Speaker 1: you want to give me?

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Speaker 6: Mm hmmm.

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Speaker 4: I think without going into specific examples, I've just from

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Speaker 4: the beginning of our relationship, I've made every effort, at

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Speaker 4: least in the earlier years, to plan stuff for him

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Speaker 4: to make him feel special, to make him feel like

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Speaker 4: an amazing man that I appreciated. I've you know, taken

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Speaker 4: the time to really organize things for his birthday or

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Speaker 4: just in general to let him know that he's loved

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Speaker 4: and that he's important. And those types of plannings and

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Speaker 4: all of that kind of started to trickle down as

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Speaker 4: our years went on because I felt like it wasn't

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Speaker 4: being reciprocated. But what I did do is made sure

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Speaker 4: that we were good as far as financially. Every house

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Speaker 4: that we have lived in is one that I have

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Speaker 4: made happen. So it's it's kind of like, in some ways,

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Speaker 4: a shift and given him the things that I wanted

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Speaker 4: to give him versus the giving him the things that

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Speaker 4: we needed to have as a family. And in that shift,

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Speaker 4: there's also been this shift of I guess femininity into

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Speaker 4: a more masculine role.

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Speaker 1: You I don't really want you shifting into the more

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Speaker 1: masculine roles.

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Speaker 4: That's what you're saying, yes, And I don't like it here.

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Speaker 4: I don't want to be I don't want to be

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Speaker 4: in the masculine I under stand that we are both

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Speaker 4: all people are. To quote the poet and well renowned

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Speaker 4: comedian Kat Williams.

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Speaker 1: You are not about to about that I am, and

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Speaker 1: you're not about a poet.

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Speaker 2: Oh my god, yes, the poet.

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Speaker 5: The poet.

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Speaker 2: I gotta get ready.

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Speaker 4: Twenty first century poet Kat Williams.

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Speaker 2: All right, I gotta get ready. Here we go.

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Speaker 5: So it's so deep.

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Speaker 4: Basically, he said, you know, we we both have a mother,

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Speaker 4: we both have a father, so inherently we are mixed.

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Speaker 4: And it sounds so silly and it's simple, but it's true.

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Speaker 4: We are a mixture of the masculine and the feminine.

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Speaker 6: And.

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Speaker 4: We there has to be a balance. I don't know

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Speaker 4: if there has to be a balance, but there is

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Speaker 4: certainly both of that in us. So we're all mixed.

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Speaker 4: We all have this, these two parts of us. And

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Speaker 4: I don't don't feel feminine in our relationship up to

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Speaker 4: this point, I would say, over the last few years,

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Speaker 4: because I am the protector, I am the provider, and

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Speaker 4: I know we live in an age where these these

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Speaker 4: gender roles are becoming less accepted by the masses. But

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Speaker 4: to me, those roles make sense, and I don't really.

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Speaker 5: I don't.

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Speaker 4: I want to lean more into my femininity, but I

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Speaker 4: find it difficult to do that with him.

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Speaker 1: And then another thing you said was I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: like love myself, right, can you tell me more about that? Like,

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Speaker 1: what does loving yourself look like like?

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Speaker 2: In your head?

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Speaker 1: If you become like really good at loving Jay, how

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Speaker 1: do you imagine that looks.

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Speaker 4: I imagine it would look like me taking care of

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Speaker 4: myself physically, emotional, spiritually. Like that, I would start prioritizing

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Speaker 4: my needs and my wants over other people. That I

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Speaker 4: would start making sure that I'm filling my cup. And

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Speaker 4: filling my cup looks like going on a trip for

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Speaker 4: a weekend by myself, which is what I'm doing. So

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Speaker 4: it would look like me, you know, waking up in

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Speaker 4: the morning and praying for you know, a few minutes,

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Speaker 4: meditating for a few minutes, getting my head focused.

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Speaker 5: It would look like me.

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Speaker 4: Exercising on a regular basis and eating healthier foods.

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Speaker 5: It would look like possibly.

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Speaker 4: Getting a hobby or something I don't know, like doing

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Speaker 4: something that I just enjoy doing for the sake of

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Speaker 4: doing it and because it makes me happy. It would

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Speaker 4: look like listening to music more and listening to new

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Speaker 4: artists more, which is actually something that I've been doing too,

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Speaker 4: because music has always been a really important part of

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Speaker 4: my life and it takes me to a place that

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Speaker 4: makes me feel good. So doing more of that, which

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Speaker 4: for some reason over the last few years I've done

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Speaker 4: a lot less of. I mean, COVID played a part

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Speaker 4: in it, because I did like to use to go

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Speaker 4: to like concerts and stuff. But even before that, just

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Speaker 4: you know, not connecting with music was you know, an

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Speaker 4: indicator to me like something's off here, because there's always

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Speaker 4: been a part of my life. So doing those types

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Speaker 4: of things filling my cup and filling my cup first

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Speaker 4: as much as possible, like, yes, I'm a mom, but

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Speaker 4: if my cup is full, then I can pour into

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Speaker 4: them even better than I have been, so yeah, and

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Speaker 4: then also setting boundaries with people who I feel like

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Speaker 4: do not appreciate me. That's part of taking care of myself,

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Speaker 4: you know, telling people and letting them no, like this

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Speaker 4: this is the buck stops here, Like we're not doing

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Speaker 4: this no more because it does not feed into me,

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Speaker 4: it doesn't make me feel good. Really dealing with self

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Speaker 4: esteem issues and you know, really really digging into that

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Speaker 4: and figuring out you know, why do I feel the

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Speaker 4: way that I feel.

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Speaker 1: Trust in the therapy process is actually the therapist's responsibility,

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Speaker 1: and they have to continually work at gaining and maintaining

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Speaker 1: client trust. Now, I'm going to tell you this is

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Speaker 1: an incredibly difficult thing to do, and it's an incredibly

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Speaker 1: fragile part of the process, but we have to constantly

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Speaker 1: work at it. Now, it's not necessary that the therapists

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Speaker 1: explain what they're observing to the client in real time,

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Speaker 1: though that might help. It's more important that you keep

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Speaker 1: performing your job with integrity and honor and continue to

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Speaker 1: work towards what the client's desired outcome from the therapy is.

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Speaker 1: It's not uncommon that the client knows what they want

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Speaker 1: and they think they know how to get there, but

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Speaker 1: the therapist is the one that is trained and understands

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Speaker 1: what the healing journey would look like. Now, I don't

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Speaker 1: say that the therapist ideas get to trump the client's ideas,

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Speaker 1: but I will say they have to work in collaboration,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes the therapist is going to be doing things

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Speaker 1: that the client does not understand, simply because it's not

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Speaker 1: been a part of their life to participate and facilitate

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Speaker 1: therapy sessions. But that's our job. I get really irritated

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Speaker 1: and frustrated with clinicians who think that the client is

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Speaker 1: supposed to just arbitrarily gift them with trust. It is

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Speaker 1: our responsibility to earn it. That's a continuous responsibility, and

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Speaker 1: we have to maintain it. It's fragile and will sometimes

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Speaker 1: waiver and fluctuate throughout the therapy process, but it's always

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Speaker 1: our job. Jay really struggles with changing her mindset to

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Speaker 1: take care of herself. Does this all stem from her childhood?

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Speaker 1: I actually think it does. Jay has a habit of

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Speaker 1: not paying as much attention as she should to her

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Speaker 1: successes and paying a lot of attention to her flaws

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Speaker 1: and mistakes, and as a consequence, this leads to bouts

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Speaker 1: of depression and anxiety and insecurities. If Jay were able

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Speaker 1: to flip that, then the reverse would happen. She'd have

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Speaker 1: an increase in confidence and an increase of self esteem.

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Speaker 1: The most likely source of this pattern is the absence

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Speaker 1: of her father during really critical times in her life,

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Speaker 1: when most people are being told good job and receiving

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Speaker 1: other sources of praise, which build up our psyche and

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Speaker 1: build up our self esteem and make us more resilient

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Speaker 1: through the life cycle during really critical times. That missing

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Speaker 1: in Jay's life, and that is a likely contributor to

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Speaker 1: this pattern. When did it switch? When do you remember

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Speaker 1: going from active to the less active version of yourself

295
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Speaker 1: that you'd rather not be.

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Speaker 4: Really after my second deployment, because I was dealing with

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Speaker 4: some pain management that I you know, I was limiting

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Speaker 4: my ability to deal with or would not deal with,

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Speaker 4: but to exercise in the way that I wanted to,

300
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Speaker 4: and I think I just kind of let that like

301
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Speaker 4: I was still active, but not the way that I

302
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Speaker 4: was prior to to dealing with some of my injuries

303
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Speaker 4: that were kind of increase the pain with the injuries

304
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Speaker 4: had increased, and I was going to physical therapy when

305
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Speaker 4: I came home. Oh well, when I came back to

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Speaker 4: the States and didn't feel like that was very effective.

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Speaker 4: And then when I got home, I was still exercising,

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Speaker 4: but I was just limited, And I think that just

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Speaker 4: kind of shifted my mindset into believing that I couldn't

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Speaker 4: do what I used to do.

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Speaker 6: And then.

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Speaker 4: Shortly after that, after actually getting home, is when I

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Speaker 4: got pregnant, So then limited in my mind thinking I'm

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Speaker 4: still limited, but now I'm even more limited because I'm

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Speaker 4: pregnant and gained weight and all of that. And then

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Speaker 4: after having my first son, I like I would walk,

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Speaker 4: but it just wasn't the same, like I like intense workouts,

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Speaker 4: and I just felt very like, oh, I guess I

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Speaker 4: can't do this anymore. But I did try in different ways.

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Speaker 4: I did try, and then I had my second son,

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Speaker 4: and I actually was probably more consistently active with my

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Speaker 4: second son than I have been in a long time

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Speaker 4: because I was really afraid of putting on even more weight.

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Speaker 4: So and I was working out a lot up until

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Speaker 4: like maybe like the thirty second week of that pregnancy,

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Speaker 4: and then after I had my second son and was

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Speaker 4: just kind of all downhill from there, like I haven't

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Speaker 4: gotten back into a regular routine. I finally found the gym,

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Speaker 4: and then I was like, all right, I'm gonna just

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Speaker 4: take the kids with me to the gym. And I

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Speaker 4: was doing that for a little bit, and then I

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Speaker 4: fell off from that and I just have not consistently exercised.

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Speaker 3: Whether it's.

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Speaker 4: Whether it's like a pain issue or a motivation discipline issue,

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Speaker 4: or just like depression, whatever it is, it's like there's

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Speaker 4: like a lot of blockages and I just haven't gotten

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Speaker 4: over those hurdles, and it's extremely frustrating.

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Speaker 1: So of all the things you've accomplished, like your business success,

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Speaker 1: your military accomplishments, your academic accomplishments, I have to believe

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Speaker 1: you know, being an African American woman from New Jersey,

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Speaker 1: that there were lots of obstacles that you faced on

342
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Speaker 1: the way to those things. Would I be right in

343
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Speaker 1: thinking that, Yeah, how did you overcome those?

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Speaker 3: How did I overcome those obstacles?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 4: I'm just I just I'm a I'm a big picture

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Speaker 4: kind of girl. Like I don't really tend to be

348
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Speaker 4: affected too much about people's opinions or by people or

349
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Speaker 4: different obstacles, like if it's if the mission is clear,

350
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Speaker 4: like there's not too many things that are going to

351
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Speaker 4: sway me from the mission. Like when I was in

352
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Speaker 4: the military, I was an MP, there was a lot

353
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Speaker 4: of there's a lot of like I would say, actually

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Speaker 4: probably more covert sexism than racism.

355
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Speaker 5: But once I.

356
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Speaker 4: Was a sergeant, I definitely felt a lot of tension

357
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Speaker 4: from some of the younger males, like even Hispanic who

358
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Speaker 4: seem to have some difficulties with my leadership. But not really.

359
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Speaker 4: It was a lot of it was a lot. It

360
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Speaker 4: was a lot The military is a lot, Like there's

361
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Speaker 4: a lot to learn. Yeah, there's a lot to learn,

362
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Speaker 4: but there's also like the sexism is real, and I

363
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Speaker 4: don't you know, people will say no, no, no, but

364
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Speaker 4: it really is. It feels like when you're in the

365
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Speaker 4: military that men tend to put you into two boxes.

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Speaker 4: So one you're either going to be someone they want

367
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Speaker 4: to fuck and that they're trying to actively pursue, or

368
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Speaker 4: someone who they at three boxes, So the second one

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Speaker 4: would be the bitch, so you are just.

370
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Speaker 3: Just a bitch.

371
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Speaker 4: Nobody wants to fuck with you because you have a

372
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Speaker 4: nasty attitude or you think you are.

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Speaker 5: More than what they perceive you to be.

374
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Speaker 4: And then and there's the third category of like you're

375
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Speaker 4: just one of the homies, so we see you more

376
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Speaker 4: like a brother figure. So I most of the time

377
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Speaker 4: I fit into the bitch box. Definitely the first box

378
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Speaker 4: as well for some people, but I wasn't there to

379
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Speaker 4: have relationships with people like that, so I didn't, you know,

380
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Speaker 4: most people didn't. If they thought they was going to

381
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Speaker 4: pursue me that way, they quickly, for the most part,

382
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Speaker 4: put me into the second box because they knew that

383
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Speaker 4: it wasn't going to happen, right. But once you get

384
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Speaker 4: into that second box, it's a difficult box to be

385
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:43,800
Speaker 4: in because you want people to you know, follow you.

386
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Speaker 4: You want them to be to perceive you as a

387
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:52,560
Speaker 4: good leader. And if they think that you're, you know,

388
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Speaker 4: this person that's that's not approachable or not fuckable or

389
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:03,680
Speaker 4: not the homie, then it's like, hmmm, we don't really

390
00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:07,919
Speaker 4: deal with her like that, right, you know. So it

391
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:09,880
Speaker 4: was a very interesting experience.

392
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Speaker 5: Now.

393
00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:15,520
Speaker 4: Granted, even if you're in that box, though, it's not

394
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:17,000
Speaker 4: that you're necessarily.

395
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Speaker 3: Doing anything that makes you a bitch.

396
00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:20,960
Speaker 4: You could probably be doing the exact same things as

397
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:24,800
Speaker 4: your fellow male sergeant, right, But because it's coming from

398
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,520
Speaker 4: a woman, that's the box I got to put you in,

399
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:31,760
Speaker 4: you know. So, yeah, it's a lot of things to navigate.

400
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:38,040
Speaker 4: But I just don't get deterred very easily. And maybe

401
00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:41,640
Speaker 4: that is the problem now, Like I'm just not seeing

402
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:44,520
Speaker 4: the mission clear, and that's why it's hard for me

403
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:51,680
Speaker 4: to stay focused on, you know, getting healthier, getting stronger,

404
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:55,480
Speaker 4: getting more disciplined. Maybe the mission is just not clear.

405
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:55,800
Speaker 3: You know.

406
00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,919
Speaker 2: I was just about to ask you. It's funny you

407
00:26:58,960 --> 00:26:59,240
Speaker 2: say that.

408
00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:00,919
Speaker 1: I was just about to ask you what is the

409
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:09,800
Speaker 1: current mission? Because there's a part of you that is completely,

410
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:15,560
Speaker 1: one hundred percent unstoppable. If I want a degree from

411
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:18,600
Speaker 1: Carnegie Mellon, I'm getting it. If I want to achieve

412
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,280
Speaker 1: higher ranks in the military, I'm doing it. If I

413
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:24,960
Speaker 1: got to overcome all these obstacles from all these men

414
00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:27,919
Speaker 1: wanting to be with me or thinking I'm a bitch,

415
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:31,280
Speaker 1: or whatever it is, I don't care. You literally said,

416
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:36,280
Speaker 1: I'm undeterable. Right, there's a part of you that's just

417
00:27:36,359 --> 00:27:40,920
Speaker 1: like so able to accomplish whatever it is you set

418
00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:45,159
Speaker 1: your mind to. And it was I really liked how

419
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:47,840
Speaker 1: you said, like, when I see the big picture, I

420
00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:49,920
Speaker 1: think your exact phrase was, I'm a big picture kind

421
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:54,520
Speaker 1: of girl, and when I see the mission, I'm unstoppable.

422
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,560
Speaker 1: So that begs the obvious question, what is the mission?

423
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Speaker 4: There's I guess there's a few different missions, and maybe

424
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:09,120
Speaker 4: that's the challenge. So there's a mission of building my businesses,

425
00:28:10,119 --> 00:28:15,840
Speaker 4: becoming financially stable, being able to pass on something to

426
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:20,800
Speaker 4: my children. There's that mission which I'm pursuing and I'm

427
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:29,320
Speaker 4: getting there. There's a mission of raising my children. I

428
00:28:29,359 --> 00:28:35,600
Speaker 4: want them to be healthy, happy, whole and good citizens.

429
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Speaker 4: So there's that mission, and I feel like we're getting there.

430
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:43,800
Speaker 4: But when it comes to the mission of jay Len, like,

431
00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:51,680
Speaker 4: I know, I want to be healthy. Why because not

432
00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:55,479
Speaker 4: being healthy doesn't align with who I want to be, Like,

433
00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:59,760
Speaker 4: I don't want to just be someone who is gaining

434
00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:06,600
Speaker 4: weight and smoking and sitting around and not having an

435
00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:09,560
Speaker 4: active lifestyle. Like how am I going to do that

436
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:14,840
Speaker 4: for a long period of time and be a good mom?

437
00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:15,840
Speaker 5: Like?

438
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:18,160
Speaker 4: I don't even I mean, I guess I could be,

439
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:23,120
Speaker 4: of course, but I've had children older, so I have

440
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:27,280
Speaker 4: to be physically healthy to be able to keep up

441
00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:29,760
Speaker 4: with them, to be here when they have children, and

442
00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:34,920
Speaker 4: to be you know, in the right mindset. So you know,

443
00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:38,520
Speaker 4: I mean it just it is what it is, Like,

444
00:29:38,560 --> 00:29:40,520
Speaker 4: if I don't take care of myself, I'm not going

445
00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:41,880
Speaker 4: to be able to be here for them.

446
00:29:42,560 --> 00:29:46,960
Speaker 1: And how often, so would you say that the big

447
00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:48,840
Speaker 1: picture or at least a big part of the big

448
00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:53,760
Speaker 1: picture of why being fit and taking care of yourself

449
00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:57,400
Speaker 1: is because it'll it'll make you feel like a better mom?

450
00:29:57,720 --> 00:30:00,040
Speaker 1: Would you say that part of it?

451
00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:01,360
Speaker 3: Yeah?

452
00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:03,000
Speaker 2: How often do you think about that.

453
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:06,000
Speaker 1: Like, when you're, you know, waking up in the morning

454
00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:08,480
Speaker 1: thinking about your day, how often do you think about,

455
00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:11,080
Speaker 1: if I can fit going to the gym into my

456
00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:15,080
Speaker 1: day today, it'll make me feel like a better mom.

457
00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:19,040
Speaker 4: I think about it all the time, but it instead

458
00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:21,520
Speaker 4: of it motivating me, it just depresses me even more

459
00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:24,400
Speaker 4: because I'm not doing it. So it's just like, oh,

460
00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:27,480
Speaker 4: I know if I did this, it would make me better,

461
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:30,240
Speaker 4: but then I'm not doing it, so it's like, damn,

462
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:35,040
Speaker 4: you suck, Like what's your problem? You know, Like you

463
00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:38,640
Speaker 4: know that the outcome of doing this is good for you,

464
00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:40,600
Speaker 4: but you are not doing.

465
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:44,719
Speaker 1: It to what would help you? Think about it in

466
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:49,000
Speaker 1: a way that triggers that undeterrible part of you. Like,

467
00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:51,120
Speaker 1: what's different about the way you think about the big

468
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:54,760
Speaker 1: picture in a way that triggers the undeterable part of

469
00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:58,160
Speaker 1: Jay versus the way you think about it when it

470
00:30:58,240 --> 00:31:00,000
Speaker 1: kind of depresses you.

471
00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:05,680
Speaker 3: I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel like I just lost

472
00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:06,280
Speaker 3: that part of me.

473
00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:09,480
Speaker 1: Like if you woke up tomorrow and rediscover that part

474
00:31:09,480 --> 00:31:11,760
Speaker 1: of her, how would your life be different?

475
00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:16,840
Speaker 4: I would pursue a more active and healthier lifestyle.

476
00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:20,040
Speaker 2: Other than being a better mom. What else would that

477
00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:20,520
Speaker 2: do for you?

478
00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:29,560
Speaker 4: Well, I mean as far as like dealing with depression,

479
00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:34,080
Speaker 4: like you, if you're active, it's a lot it's a

480
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:38,000
Speaker 4: lot harder to be depressed. It's a lot harder.

481
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:42,280
Speaker 1: It's not true. It is impossible, Jay, It's not just

482
00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:46,280
Speaker 1: a lot harder. It's impossible to be depressed, right, right, right?

483
00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:51,080
Speaker 1: How long has the depression been there? This depression thing

484
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:52,360
Speaker 1: you're talking about, How long has.

485
00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:52,840
Speaker 2: It been there?

486
00:31:57,320 --> 00:32:00,400
Speaker 3: I would say probably first deployment.

487
00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:06,080
Speaker 2: It first deployment. What year was that?

488
00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:10,320
Speaker 3: Twenty twelve?

489
00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:12,880
Speaker 2: God, leave, man, that's a long time.

490
00:32:15,680 --> 00:32:16,800
Speaker 3: Yeah. I mean.

491
00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:24,440
Speaker 4: I have been diagnosed with PTSD, but I don't think

492
00:32:24,520 --> 00:32:30,320
Speaker 4: it really shows up for me and in the ways

493
00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:32,240
Speaker 4: that I have it does for some other people.

494
00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:41,320
Speaker 3: So so part.

495
00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:47,000
Speaker 4: Of it is like anxiety and certain environments. For a

496
00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:54,440
Speaker 4: while it was like sleep issues. But I think a

497
00:32:54,440 --> 00:33:00,200
Speaker 4: big part of it was like survirus remorse. So I think, like,

498
00:33:07,280 --> 00:33:08,720
Speaker 4: I don't really want to get too deep into it,

499
00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:13,720
Speaker 4: but I think a part of it is that you know, wow,

500
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:18,240
Speaker 4: these people, these people didn't make it home, but I did,

501
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:27,360
Speaker 4: and I should be thankful. But it's also like, I

502
00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:29,880
Speaker 4: don't know, it just kind of with me.

503
00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:35,200
Speaker 1: How have you lived life carrying this with you for

504
00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:38,520
Speaker 1: a decade or a little more than a decade, Like

505
00:33:38,640 --> 00:33:45,800
Speaker 1: what have you drawn upon within yourself to carry this

506
00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:46,920
Speaker 1: with you for so long?

507
00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:56,560
Speaker 4: In some ways, there's avoidance, like just not not dealing

508
00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:59,520
Speaker 4: with it, but also avoidance of the things that make

509
00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:03,760
Speaker 4: trigger it, so just not being in a certain environment,

510
00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:12,200
Speaker 4: but also I guess just just working on I don't know,

511
00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:16,399
Speaker 4: like just not not focusing on it so much, just

512
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:19,759
Speaker 4: trying to, you know, just keep keep moving forward, keep

513
00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:24,359
Speaker 4: stay focused. And I don't know, like this may sound

514
00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:26,799
Speaker 4: like a crazy thing to say, but I don't feel

515
00:34:26,840 --> 00:34:33,080
Speaker 4: like black women really have the opportunity to be fully depressed.

516
00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:36,760
Speaker 4: And I know that sounds crazy, but there's so many

517
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:41,160
Speaker 4: things that we have to do, and there's not a

518
00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:44,920
Speaker 4: lot of grace that I feel like is given, not

519
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:48,400
Speaker 4: just to black women, women in general, or whatever you

520
00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:52,279
Speaker 4: know category you fall into. But for me, speaking from

521
00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:56,040
Speaker 4: my experience and who I am, there were things that

522
00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:58,920
Speaker 4: I felt like I was dealing with when I was in.

523
00:34:58,880 --> 00:35:01,160
Speaker 3: My first deployment that would.

524
00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:07,920
Speaker 4: Just kind of ignored by people who are around me

525
00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:11,279
Speaker 4: kind of like fuck her, like she's that, she's that.

526
00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:14,600
Speaker 4: But it was like there was no opportunity to kind

527
00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:19,120
Speaker 4: of just be dealing with the things that I was

528
00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:22,279
Speaker 4: dealing with then. But then even now, it's just like

529
00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:27,440
Speaker 4: I don't I cannot fully be depressed. I cannot fully

530
00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:30,600
Speaker 4: and I guess it's a good thing, but there's just

531
00:35:30,719 --> 00:35:34,719
Speaker 4: like when you can't fully live in what you're experiencing,

532
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:38,640
Speaker 4: you don't ever really fully address it in some ways,

533
00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:40,880
Speaker 4: so you just kind of just push it to the

534
00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:42,160
Speaker 4: back and you just move forward.

535
00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:43,319
Speaker 3: You just move forward.

536
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:44,120
Speaker 5: You just move forward.

537
00:35:44,120 --> 00:35:46,920
Speaker 3: But sometimes it becomes too much.

538
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:50,840
Speaker 4: And you can't really figure out how to move forward anymore,

539
00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:54,719
Speaker 4: even though you're still doing a lot, you know, like

540
00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:57,359
Speaker 4: I'm still doing a lot of shit, Like I'm still

541
00:35:57,400 --> 00:35:59,920
Speaker 4: a homeowner, I'm still a landlord, I'm still a mom,

542
00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:03,200
Speaker 4: I'm still you know, working full time. I'm still like

543
00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:06,640
Speaker 4: running helping run along and mad like, I'm still doing

544
00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:11,160
Speaker 4: all of these things absolutely, but deep down it's like,

545
00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:14,120
Speaker 4: how is it. It's not being dealt with, So it

546
00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:19,200
Speaker 4: is manifesting into you're not taking curious though you're doing

547
00:36:19,239 --> 00:36:21,640
Speaker 4: these things, but you are not taking care of you.

548
00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:26,359
Speaker 1: First of all, what you said does not sound as

549
00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:30,640
Speaker 1: crazy as you might think. I actually think it requires

550
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:32,800
Speaker 1: such an amazing amount of strength to be a woman

551
00:36:32,920 --> 00:36:37,520
Speaker 1: in our society, and specifically and in particularly a black woman.

552
00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:40,359
Speaker 1: And something you said really hit me a bit when

553
00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:44,200
Speaker 1: you said, like, society doesn't give us grace. Do you

554
00:36:44,200 --> 00:36:45,160
Speaker 1: remember just saying that?

555
00:36:46,719 --> 00:36:48,600
Speaker 2: I agree with you. I don't think.

556
00:36:48,440 --> 00:36:52,640
Speaker 1: Society gives women of color the same grace that it

557
00:36:52,719 --> 00:36:59,520
Speaker 1: gives like cis gender white men for example. Right, how

558
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:04,759
Speaker 1: would help you if you gave yourself the level of

559
00:37:04,880 --> 00:37:08,120
Speaker 1: grace that has been held from you by society.

560
00:37:10,800 --> 00:37:12,799
Speaker 4: I mean, I guess in a sense, I just would

561
00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:15,040
Speaker 4: be able to be more fully.

562
00:37:16,239 --> 00:37:16,560
Speaker 3: Human.

563
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:19,440
Speaker 4: I think in some ways that I'm kind of like

564
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:20,160
Speaker 4: a workforce.

565
00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:21,359
Speaker 3: So it's just like.

566
00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:27,200
Speaker 4: Working, working, producing, producing, But that is not the full

567
00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:30,520
Speaker 4: human experience. It's not even part of it. I mean

568
00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:32,880
Speaker 4: it's not even like half of it. So I think

569
00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:38,360
Speaker 4: with that grace, I get to be fully myself.

570
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:40,480
Speaker 1: I was just gonna say, and how would you notice

571
00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:43,440
Speaker 1: yourself giving yourself grace?

572
00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:48,440
Speaker 3: Can you ask that question in a different way.

573
00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:54,719
Speaker 1: Yes, you have a life where you wake up and

574
00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:58,319
Speaker 1: you do all of these amazing things. I'm a mom,

575
00:37:58,120 --> 00:38:03,840
Speaker 1: I'm a co parent, I'm a homeowner, I work full time,

576
00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:08,520
Speaker 1: I run, I help run the laundry mat and just

577
00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:11,799
Speaker 1: so many things. And at the end of the day,

578
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:17,319
Speaker 1: you're more upset about what you didn't do than you

579
00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:21,880
Speaker 1: are proud of what you did, which is almost like

580
00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:27,080
Speaker 1: the defining quality of grace. What would happen if you

581
00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:30,839
Speaker 1: started being more proud of what you did do and

582
00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:32,640
Speaker 1: less attending to what you didn't.

583
00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:36,239
Speaker 4: Yeah, I don't know, because what I'm not doing is

584
00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:39,120
Speaker 4: so important. So I was like, yeah, that stuff is

585
00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:45,879
Speaker 4: great too, and it is important, but but what I'm

586
00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:48,680
Speaker 4: not doing is also really significant.

587
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:51,080
Speaker 2: I'm not in any way negating that.

588
00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:56,319
Speaker 1: I think My point is when you attend, and this

589
00:38:56,400 --> 00:39:00,160
Speaker 1: is like the basic rule of mentality. One of the

590
00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:03,200
Speaker 1: things that's fascinating to me about you, Jay, is the

591
00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:08,600
Speaker 1: strength of your mind. It is abnormally strong and leads

592
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:14,040
Speaker 1: to you accomplishing abnormal things. Okay, So one of the

593
00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:17,959
Speaker 1: things that stands out to me is if I want

594
00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:19,600
Speaker 1: to do and this is true for anybody, It is

595
00:39:19,600 --> 00:39:22,120
Speaker 1: true for any human being walking the planet. If I

596
00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:26,800
Speaker 1: want to depress, I need to think about the things.

597
00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:27,560
Speaker 2: I'm not good at.

598
00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:31,960
Speaker 1: Okay, I need to think about my flaws and my

599
00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:36,520
Speaker 1: failures and guess what. Every human being has flaws and failures.

600
00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:39,080
Speaker 1: So if I want to feel worse about my life,

601
00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:43,560
Speaker 1: just pay attention to my flaws, my failures, the things

602
00:39:43,600 --> 00:39:48,160
Speaker 1: about me that aren't great. You have such a powerful mind, Jay,

603
00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:51,920
Speaker 1: that when you focus on your flaws and misgivings and failures,

604
00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:55,719
Speaker 1: it will lead you down the path towards depression. And

605
00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:58,759
Speaker 1: I understand you saying, but Elliott, the things I'm not

606
00:39:58,880 --> 00:40:02,520
Speaker 1: doing are really important, and I agree. I'm not negating that,

607
00:40:03,239 --> 00:40:06,760
Speaker 1: but I am saying, in order to activate that powerful

608
00:40:06,800 --> 00:40:09,160
Speaker 1: mind in a way that leads you towards what you want,

609
00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:12,279
Speaker 1: leads you towards the outcome you want to achieve, you've

610
00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:14,520
Speaker 1: got to focus on other things, the things that you

611
00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:16,880
Speaker 1: are great at, and things that you are enjoying, and

612
00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:19,000
Speaker 1: the things that you are proud of. And when you

613
00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:24,479
Speaker 1: have more of those, then you mood escalate. And that's

614
00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:26,719
Speaker 1: true for everybody. But you're spending a lot of your

615
00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:29,920
Speaker 1: time thinking about the things you're not great at, and

616
00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:34,000
Speaker 1: that doesn't lead towards awesomeness.

617
00:40:34,239 --> 00:40:35,640
Speaker 2: You know what I mean? Does that make sense?

618
00:40:36,080 --> 00:40:36,200
Speaker 3: Yea?

619
00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:39,960
Speaker 1: And what I'm noticing is you're focusing so much more

620
00:40:41,040 --> 00:40:45,200
Speaker 1: on your flaws and again, everybody has them, and you're

621
00:40:45,239 --> 00:40:48,560
Speaker 1: spending less time thinking about what makes you so magnificent,

622
00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:51,800
Speaker 1: and that is actually not only is that the pathway

623
00:40:51,840 --> 00:40:54,560
Speaker 1: to taking better care of yourself, that's the pathway to

624
00:40:54,640 --> 00:40:58,759
Speaker 1: overcoming PTSD and depression and sadness and all of these

625
00:40:58,800 --> 00:41:01,880
Speaker 1: other things. Does that mean sense? So for me, the

626
00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:05,160
Speaker 1: question becomes, how do we shift focus of that very

627
00:41:05,200 --> 00:41:10,920
Speaker 1: powerful brain from what is flawed to what is brilliant?

628
00:41:12,719 --> 00:41:17,840
Speaker 1: Because I'm really determined Jay to shift your focus from

629
00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:23,399
Speaker 1: what you aren't doing to who you absolutely actually are,

630
00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:28,920
Speaker 1: especially in this conversation. I think this is a pattern

631
00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:32,600
Speaker 1: that has started, you know, twelve to thirteen years ago,

632
00:41:33,920 --> 00:41:36,319
Speaker 1: and I want to break that pattern because I think

633
00:41:36,320 --> 00:41:39,360
Speaker 1: you're just thinking about things that have gone wrong, just

634
00:41:39,400 --> 00:41:41,520
Speaker 1: because you habitually are starting to think about things that

635
00:41:41,520 --> 00:41:45,680
Speaker 1: have gone wrong that started with the first deployment, And

636
00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:49,719
Speaker 1: I want to unlock your ability to think about things

637
00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:53,360
Speaker 1: that could go right and how kind of remarkable you

638
00:41:53,400 --> 00:41:57,840
Speaker 1: are as a person. Okay, and you said something earlier

639
00:41:57,840 --> 00:42:02,000
Speaker 1: that's really powerful, like like it's harder to feel bad

640
00:42:02,080 --> 00:42:05,200
Speaker 1: when you're taking care of yourself, and that's absolutely not true.

641
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:09,279
Speaker 2: It's impossible you have achieved in every space you've ever

642
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:10,960
Speaker 2: stepped into. Do you ever realize that?

643
00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:16,720
Speaker 4: Yeah, I didn't realize that, and I was like, damn,

644
00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:21,880
Speaker 4: that's actually that's true, and not to like bring myself up,

645
00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:24,520
Speaker 4: but like I have no I don't know if I'm

646
00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:26,200
Speaker 4: like trying to.

647
00:42:25,719 --> 00:42:28,560
Speaker 1: Take yourself up, don't steal that back, you know what

648
00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:28,919
Speaker 1: I mean.

649
00:42:28,960 --> 00:42:31,680
Speaker 6: Like, but that's what makes this so frustrating, because it's like, bro,

650
00:42:31,920 --> 00:42:35,400
Speaker 6: you have zero evidence that you are going to fill

651
00:42:35,560 --> 00:42:38,719
Speaker 6: if you take care of yourself, Like there's no evidence

652
00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:39,600
Speaker 6: to support it.

653
00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:41,520
Speaker 3: Like, so what is the problem.

654
00:42:42,440 --> 00:42:43,960
Speaker 5: Maybe I'm just scared. I don't know.

655
00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:46,320
Speaker 2: No, I think we just identified the problem. I think

656
00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:49,120
Speaker 2: that habit. I think it's just become a habit, and

657
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:53,000
Speaker 2: habits really you can form. Here's the thing about.

658
00:42:52,840 --> 00:42:56,880
Speaker 1: Habits day is we will have a habit that doesn't

659
00:42:56,960 --> 00:42:59,400
Speaker 1: work for us, but we do it just because it's

660
00:42:59,400 --> 00:43:02,560
Speaker 1: a habit, you know what I mean, Like, we don't.

661
00:43:03,160 --> 00:43:05,600
Speaker 1: When I say we, I mean as humans, we don't

662
00:43:05,600 --> 00:43:07,680
Speaker 1: always do a great job of being Like, but does

663
00:43:07,760 --> 00:43:11,200
Speaker 1: this habit move me closer to the outcome I want

664
00:43:11,239 --> 00:43:15,960
Speaker 1: to achieve? And I think you've been doing this particular

665
00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:21,799
Speaker 1: habit for a decade plus, even though it's not a

666
00:43:21,840 --> 00:43:24,080
Speaker 1: habit moving you towards what you hope to achieve.

667
00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:25,440
Speaker 2: Does that make sense?

668
00:43:27,440 --> 00:43:30,000
Speaker 1: So now I'm saying, let's pause for a second and

669
00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:32,240
Speaker 1: be like, wait a minute, let's create a new habit

670
00:43:32,320 --> 00:43:35,319
Speaker 1: that does move us in the direction what we want

671
00:43:35,360 --> 00:43:38,920
Speaker 1: to achieve. And part of doing that is giving yourself

672
00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:41,080
Speaker 1: grace and just taking a step back and being like,

673
00:43:41,640 --> 00:43:44,879
Speaker 1: I got to remind myself who Jay is. And even

674
00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:47,319
Speaker 1: though I know you haven't forgotten all your amazing accomplishments,

675
00:43:47,320 --> 00:43:48,480
Speaker 1: all those things, but we got to put them in

676
00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:50,839
Speaker 1: the forefront. We're got to make you stare at them,

677
00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:54,680
Speaker 1: because quite frankly, they're more important than your failures. I

678
00:43:54,680 --> 00:44:00,120
Speaker 1: think the biggest trait or characteristic to healthy self esteem

679
00:44:01,160 --> 00:44:03,759
Speaker 1: is when you have the ability to look in your

680
00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:09,680
Speaker 1: history for evidence of your successes and allow that to

681
00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:14,320
Speaker 1: contribute to how you view yourself. No one is perfect,

682
00:44:14,520 --> 00:44:16,120
Speaker 1: I want to be very clear about that. So no

683
00:44:16,160 --> 00:44:18,279
Speaker 1: one is going to look in their history and just

684
00:44:18,320 --> 00:44:21,440
Speaker 1: think they've done everything right. But people with really healthy

685
00:44:21,480 --> 00:44:25,440
Speaker 1: self esteem understand I have to accept my flaws, and

686
00:44:25,480 --> 00:44:28,360
Speaker 1: I have the ability to look in my past find

687
00:44:28,480 --> 00:44:32,440
Speaker 1: evidence of my greatness of my successes, of the things

688
00:44:32,440 --> 00:44:35,800
Speaker 1: that make me positive, and I can use those things

689
00:44:35,800 --> 00:44:38,279
Speaker 1: to contribute to how I view myself in spite of

690
00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:41,680
Speaker 1: my flaws. People who struggle with their self esteem, they

691
00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:44,760
Speaker 1: have a tendency to look in their past and only

692
00:44:44,800 --> 00:44:48,040
Speaker 1: see their flaws and only see their mistakes, and then

693
00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:52,960
Speaker 1: in the current state, think that they are flawed and

694
00:44:53,040 --> 00:44:56,520
Speaker 1: think that they are problematic, and think that they are

695
00:44:56,560 --> 00:45:00,600
Speaker 1: not worthy. If you can flip that and find evidence

696
00:45:00,880 --> 00:45:04,439
Speaker 1: of your successes, find evidence of what makes you great,

697
00:45:04,560 --> 00:45:08,800
Speaker 1: find evidence of the positive traits about you while accepting

698
00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:17,120
Speaker 1: your flaws, then you will have healthy self esteatement. What

699
00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:18,880
Speaker 1: difference do you think it would make for you to

700
00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:21,120
Speaker 1: be discovering like, I'm not as bad as I make

701
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:23,520
Speaker 1: myself out to be in my head.

702
00:45:27,239 --> 00:45:29,840
Speaker 4: Oh, I mean, I guess I'll make a huge difference.

703
00:45:34,640 --> 00:45:40,759
Speaker 4: I think when you are questioning yourself or doubting yourself,

704
00:45:40,840 --> 00:45:43,400
Speaker 4: you have to look at the evidence of your life

705
00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:50,200
Speaker 4: and say, does the evidence support what I'm feeling? And

706
00:45:50,239 --> 00:45:52,120
Speaker 4: not to say that what you feel may not be

707
00:45:52,239 --> 00:45:55,160
Speaker 4: real for you at that moment, But when you come

708
00:45:55,200 --> 00:45:59,879
Speaker 4: back to reality and you you know you look at

709
00:46:00,680 --> 00:46:05,000
Speaker 4: the circumstances of your life, and you say, well, I

710
00:46:05,040 --> 00:46:07,640
Speaker 4: know I'm feeling pretty low. I know I'm feeling pretty bad,

711
00:46:08,280 --> 00:46:09,920
Speaker 4: but look at what I've done.

712
00:46:10,280 --> 00:46:13,480
Speaker 5: You know, I've done this, I've done X, I've done Y.

713
00:46:13,560 --> 00:46:17,720
Speaker 5: I've gotten over these hurdles throughout my life.

714
00:46:18,120 --> 00:46:22,719
Speaker 4: So you know, maybe I am strong, maybe I am resilient,

715
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:28,400
Speaker 4: maybe I am beautiful or whatever it is that you

716
00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:32,319
Speaker 4: know you're trying to knock yourself from not being when

717
00:46:32,320 --> 00:46:35,479
Speaker 4: you look back at the past, you say, there's really

718
00:46:35,480 --> 00:46:39,759
Speaker 4: no evidence to support this thinking. So the thinking is

719
00:46:39,840 --> 00:46:44,040
Speaker 4: the flaw. You know it's not it's not true. So

720
00:46:44,080 --> 00:46:46,160
Speaker 4: how do you you know you use that to kind

721
00:46:46,160 --> 00:46:51,200
Speaker 4: of shift your mind from from this sinking thinking thoughts?

722
00:46:53,200 --> 00:46:57,520
Speaker 1: Jay, So, I don't think any human being has ever

723
00:46:57,600 --> 00:47:00,640
Speaker 1: said anything ever that I agree with more than what

724
00:47:00,680 --> 00:47:07,080
Speaker 1: you just said. If I have a doubting thought, if

725
00:47:07,160 --> 00:47:10,440
Speaker 1: I just look at the evidence of my life to say,

726
00:47:10,640 --> 00:47:13,480
Speaker 1: is this doubting thought I've had, is this kind of

727
00:47:14,239 --> 00:47:18,399
Speaker 1: down thought I've had, Is this self loathing thought I've had?

728
00:47:18,440 --> 00:47:22,520
Speaker 1: Is there any evidence to it? And when you see

729
00:47:22,560 --> 00:47:24,279
Speaker 1: that there's not, then you'd be like, well, maybe I

730
00:47:24,320 --> 00:47:27,759
Speaker 1: am smart, strong, beautiful, resilience thought? Is that what I

731
00:47:27,800 --> 00:47:29,600
Speaker 1: heard you say?

732
00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:30,000
Speaker 3: Yes?

733
00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:37,120
Speaker 1: So what difference will it make in your life when

734
00:47:37,200 --> 00:47:39,600
Speaker 1: that becomes a habit for you? When it's like, all right,

735
00:47:39,600 --> 00:47:44,040
Speaker 1: when I have a negative thought, I take a minute,

736
00:47:44,239 --> 00:47:47,680
Speaker 1: I take a second, I pause, and I look in

737
00:47:47,760 --> 00:47:51,600
Speaker 1: my past to see is there any evidence justifying this

738
00:47:51,719 --> 00:47:57,080
Speaker 1: negative thought? And then you find that there's not. What

739
00:47:57,160 --> 00:47:59,160
Speaker 1: difference will that make in your life when that becomes

740
00:47:59,160 --> 00:48:00,000
Speaker 1: a habit for you?

741
00:48:08,400 --> 00:48:12,239
Speaker 4: When you ask that question, I always find it. I

742
00:48:12,360 --> 00:48:13,680
Speaker 4: find it such a weird question.

743
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:15,879
Speaker 2: How come?

744
00:48:18,280 --> 00:48:22,000
Speaker 4: Because the answer seems so intuitive that I feel like

745
00:48:22,120 --> 00:48:24,239
Speaker 4: I don't know if I'm giving you the answer that

746
00:48:24,280 --> 00:48:27,000
Speaker 4: you're looking for or if I'm thinking about it in

747
00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:29,239
Speaker 4: the way that you want me to think about it.

748
00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:32,000
Speaker 4: Because I mean, naturally, I would just say it would

749
00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:33,320
Speaker 4: make a huge difference.

750
00:48:33,400 --> 00:48:35,520
Speaker 5: It would be better, like you know what I mean.

751
00:48:35,800 --> 00:48:39,040
Speaker 4: But I just feel like maybe I'm missing something when

752
00:48:39,080 --> 00:48:40,560
Speaker 4: he's asking me that question.

753
00:48:40,440 --> 00:48:43,359
Speaker 1: Because no, well can I I can even I can

754
00:48:43,440 --> 00:48:45,560
Speaker 1: provide more clarity and maybe ask it a different way,

755
00:48:45,640 --> 00:48:51,280
Speaker 1: right because and I don't mean to sound overly hyperbolic

756
00:48:51,719 --> 00:48:55,080
Speaker 1: with this point, but I do mean this, if more

757
00:48:55,200 --> 00:49:00,240
Speaker 1: people did what you just said, there'd be a significant

758
00:49:00,719 --> 00:49:02,480
Speaker 1: less need for therapists.

759
00:49:03,120 --> 00:49:03,319
Speaker 5: Right.

760
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:07,000
Speaker 1: One of the reasons why we struggle is we're very

761
00:49:07,040 --> 00:49:09,680
Speaker 1: good at thinking a negative thought about ourselves and then

762
00:49:09,800 --> 00:49:13,560
Speaker 1: just automatically believing that negative thought is true, whatever that

763
00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:17,120
Speaker 1: negative thought might be, Like I'm bad at basketball, so

764
00:49:17,200 --> 00:49:18,840
Speaker 1: thus I don't want to go to the park, Like

765
00:49:18,880 --> 00:49:21,560
Speaker 1: we don't even think. But wait a minute, I've played

766
00:49:21,560 --> 00:49:23,200
Speaker 1: on my high school team. I played, and you know

767
00:49:23,239 --> 00:49:25,759
Speaker 1: what I mean. Like, we don't do the exact examination

768
00:49:25,880 --> 00:49:30,320
Speaker 1: you said, reviewing history to see if the evidence of

769
00:49:30,360 --> 00:49:32,400
Speaker 1: that thing is true. We literally just have a negative

770
00:49:32,440 --> 00:49:34,680
Speaker 1: thought and then we behave as if that negative thought

771
00:49:34,680 --> 00:49:38,160
Speaker 1: were true. So the thing that you just said is

772
00:49:38,160 --> 00:49:41,680
Speaker 1: a powerful and important thing. There's a lot of stuff

773
00:49:41,680 --> 00:49:45,480
Speaker 1: in your history. You have all kinds of degrees. You

774
00:49:45,560 --> 00:49:50,040
Speaker 1: have turned yourself into a successful business person while being

775
00:49:50,080 --> 00:49:54,279
Speaker 1: an amazing mod Like, there's a lot of history that

776
00:49:54,320 --> 00:49:57,359
Speaker 1: would counter a negative thought. And most people have history

777
00:49:57,360 --> 00:49:59,800
Speaker 1: that would count a negative thought, they just don't access.

778
00:50:00,680 --> 00:50:02,600
Speaker 1: So when I say what difference would that make, I'm

779
00:50:02,640 --> 00:50:06,840
Speaker 1: asking what I'm wondering is like, in what specific ways

780
00:50:06,920 --> 00:50:10,880
Speaker 1: might your life change if you adopted this habit of

781
00:50:10,960 --> 00:50:13,200
Speaker 1: Like I just had a negative thought. But hold on,

782
00:50:13,320 --> 00:50:15,920
Speaker 1: I'm going to look in my past to see where's

783
00:50:15,960 --> 00:50:18,640
Speaker 1: the evidence of this negative thought. Because if there's no

784
00:50:18,680 --> 00:50:20,560
Speaker 1: evidence of this negative thought, I get to keep thinking

785
00:50:20,600 --> 00:50:21,640
Speaker 1: myself is pretty awesome.

786
00:50:23,600 --> 00:50:29,640
Speaker 4: Right yeah, I mean again, I just feel like, yeah,

787
00:50:29,719 --> 00:50:34,319
Speaker 4: we'll be better, We'll be better. I don't know, it

788
00:50:34,320 --> 00:50:37,120
Speaker 4: would make a difference, it would be a positive difference.

789
00:50:37,239 --> 00:50:42,480
Speaker 4: And I think for me, the challenge is I know

790
00:50:42,600 --> 00:50:45,960
Speaker 4: it would be better. I know that this is a

791
00:50:46,040 --> 00:50:50,400
Speaker 4: type of way that I should approach these types of thoughts.

792
00:50:51,080 --> 00:50:57,719
Speaker 4: The challenge is doing that thing, doing it, you know, doing.

793
00:50:59,320 --> 00:51:00,680
Speaker 5: Doing this can consistently.

794
00:51:01,360 --> 00:51:03,719
Speaker 1: If I had an amount of money to wager that

795
00:51:03,880 --> 00:51:05,799
Speaker 1: was meaningful, not just a little bit of money, but

796
00:51:05,840 --> 00:51:09,160
Speaker 1: a meaningful amount of money, and someone bet me will

797
00:51:09,239 --> 00:51:13,240
Speaker 1: Jay figure this out? I would confidently say yes, she will,

798
00:51:13,480 --> 00:51:16,239
Speaker 1: and I would confidently bet my money on it. And

799
00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:20,120
Speaker 1: what would give me confidence is you figure everything else

800
00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:25,480
Speaker 1: out up until this point, right and you know you've

801
00:51:25,480 --> 00:51:27,960
Speaker 1: always heard the phrase, or people always heard the phrase.

802
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:28,759
Speaker 2: I don't know if you've heard it.

803
00:51:30,600 --> 00:51:34,400
Speaker 1: The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So

804
00:51:34,560 --> 00:51:40,160
Speaker 1: if this person consistently figures out why wouldn't I Why

805
00:51:40,160 --> 00:51:43,080
Speaker 1: wouldn't I confidently assume she'll figure the next thing out,

806
00:51:43,840 --> 00:51:47,360
Speaker 1: whether that's you know, success in the real estate industry

807
00:51:47,760 --> 00:51:51,319
Speaker 1: or getting back to exercising, or getting her confidence back, Like,

808
00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:54,160
Speaker 1: whatever it is, I would, I would play so a

809
00:51:54,280 --> 00:51:56,560
Speaker 1: meaningful amount of money on you would accomplish it because

810
00:51:57,200 --> 00:51:58,920
Speaker 1: you habitually solve things.

811
00:51:58,920 --> 00:52:00,839
Speaker 2: That's that's kind of what you do.

812
00:52:02,200 --> 00:52:02,840
Speaker 3: True story.

813
00:52:03,320 --> 00:52:06,279
Speaker 1: If I could do one thing in your life, it

814
00:52:06,360 --> 00:52:09,120
Speaker 1: would be to remind you of that and keep that

815
00:52:09,200 --> 00:52:13,239
Speaker 1: on your mind. Like if going through this process, Jay

816
00:52:13,280 --> 00:52:16,279
Speaker 1: did one thing, I hope it would remind you. Like

817
00:52:16,320 --> 00:52:17,960
Speaker 1: when you look in the mirror, you're looking at kind

818
00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:27,320
Speaker 1: of a badass woman who has a habit of functioning

819
00:52:27,360 --> 00:52:30,440
Speaker 1: at a real high level. Like that's that's just your habit.

820
00:52:31,080 --> 00:52:33,959
Speaker 1: It's just what you do. You bubble to the top.

821
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:36,440
Speaker 1: But it's important to me that when you look at yourself,

822
00:52:36,480 --> 00:52:41,680
Speaker 1: you see someone that habitually accomplishes greatness.

823
00:52:42,280 --> 00:52:43,680
Speaker 3: Spitting bars over there.

824
00:52:48,480 --> 00:52:50,960
Speaker 1: Spitting bars about you. These are bars you gave me

825
00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:53,080
Speaker 1: in my time.

826
00:52:52,880 --> 00:52:58,919
Speaker 4: Of knowing, Yeah, you're right, I just gotta I gotta

827
00:52:58,960 --> 00:53:02,120
Speaker 4: get back to that, to that mindset for sure.

828
00:53:02,880 --> 00:53:04,799
Speaker 1: You know that you know The easiest way to get

829
00:53:04,800 --> 00:53:06,840
Speaker 1: back to that mindset, Jay, what's that?

830
00:53:08,000 --> 00:53:09,040
Speaker 2: To pay attention to it.

831
00:53:11,640 --> 00:53:16,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, the old adage is one thousand percent true. Whatever

832
00:53:16,600 --> 00:53:22,320
Speaker 1: you pay attention to grows. So if I pay attention

833
00:53:22,360 --> 00:53:25,319
Speaker 1: to why aren't I that person anymore? What the heck

834
00:53:25,440 --> 00:53:28,359
Speaker 1: is wrong with me? Why am I said? Then that

835
00:53:28,520 --> 00:53:33,239
Speaker 1: actually grows. But if you pay attention to how did

836
00:53:33,239 --> 00:53:36,680
Speaker 1: I become so awesome? What is it that allows me

837
00:53:36,760 --> 00:53:39,799
Speaker 1: to take these kind of risks. Most people don't figure

838
00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:41,680
Speaker 1: out how to make their first investment? How did I

839
00:53:41,719 --> 00:53:46,640
Speaker 1: do that? Then that is what grows. So the fastest

840
00:53:46,719 --> 00:53:50,600
Speaker 1: pathway to the kind of transformation that we're talking about

841
00:53:50,680 --> 00:53:53,399
Speaker 1: is to simply notice it, to simply wake up every

842
00:53:53,440 --> 00:53:56,040
Speaker 1: day and say, I'm going to pay really close attention

843
00:53:56,080 --> 00:53:59,080
Speaker 1: to what makes me great, and I'm going to notice

844
00:53:59,760 --> 00:54:03,120
Speaker 1: that sparkle happening. I'm gonna notice myself instead of paying

845
00:54:03,120 --> 00:54:05,640
Speaker 1: attention to how stuck I am, I'm going to pay

846
00:54:05,640 --> 00:54:08,960
Speaker 1: attention to it, how I've built this little life raft

847
00:54:09,400 --> 00:54:13,600
Speaker 1: of an investment career, and really pay attention to that

848
00:54:13,680 --> 00:54:17,520
Speaker 1: life raft that you built. That's the best way to

849
00:54:17,680 --> 00:54:21,680
Speaker 1: kind of reactivate that part of you. Because every time

850
00:54:21,719 --> 00:54:26,440
Speaker 1: I talk to you. I see this woman that anybody

851
00:54:27,080 --> 00:54:31,400
Speaker 1: would admire, and I'm not sure you admire you. And

852
00:54:31,560 --> 00:54:34,040
Speaker 1: that's the transformation that has the change you need to

853
00:54:34,080 --> 00:54:38,840
Speaker 1: admire you. You're very easy to respect, you're very easy

854
00:54:38,880 --> 00:54:42,200
Speaker 1: to brag about. You're very easy to admire. But I

855
00:54:42,200 --> 00:54:45,000
Speaker 1: don't think you see what everybody else around you sees.

856
00:54:45,200 --> 00:54:46,719
Speaker 1: It's time you start giving yourself credit.

857
00:54:46,800 --> 00:54:52,480
Speaker 3: Jay, You're right. You have to make me cry?

858
00:54:53,200 --> 00:54:53,759
Speaker 2: What is that?

859
00:54:56,920 --> 00:54:59,840
Speaker 4: Because you're right? And it's like, at some point, you know,

860
00:55:00,040 --> 00:55:04,480
Speaker 4: you gotta regardless of how I got to this point

861
00:55:04,600 --> 00:55:08,040
Speaker 4: and this way of thinking, it's like, at what point

862
00:55:08,080 --> 00:55:12,359
Speaker 4: are you going to stop? You know, at what point

863
00:55:12,400 --> 00:55:18,400
Speaker 4: are you going to let it go? And you know,

864
00:55:18,520 --> 00:55:21,560
Speaker 4: you just gotta, you gotta, you gotta take action. You

865
00:55:21,600 --> 00:55:27,480
Speaker 4: gotta do something different. And and I see it, you know,

866
00:55:27,840 --> 00:55:29,760
Speaker 4: I see it clear as day.

867
00:55:31,800 --> 00:55:34,040
Speaker 3: It's just just getting it my own way.

868
00:55:34,560 --> 00:55:35,359
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, the.

869
00:55:38,520 --> 00:55:41,719
Speaker 1: How you got into a different mindset is completely irrelevant.

870
00:55:42,120 --> 00:55:47,160
Speaker 1: The only thing that's relevant is transforming it. And the

871
00:55:47,160 --> 00:55:49,280
Speaker 1: best way to transform it is to simply pay attention

872
00:55:49,320 --> 00:55:51,640
Speaker 1: to it.

873
00:55:51,640 --> 00:55:53,200
Speaker 2: It's to simply pay attention to it.

874
00:55:55,160 --> 00:56:02,239
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, you're right.

875
00:56:04,719 --> 00:56:10,080
Speaker 2: So my friend, Jay, Yes, are we on a new

876
00:56:10,120 --> 00:56:10,719
Speaker 2: mission now?

877
00:56:14,840 --> 00:56:16,399
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, we are.

878
00:56:16,520 --> 00:56:16,799
Speaker 6: We are.

879
00:56:18,640 --> 00:56:22,960
Speaker 1: I think it's incredibly important that people set boundaries to

880
00:56:23,040 --> 00:56:26,600
Speaker 1: protect their energy and their mental health. When people ask

881
00:56:26,719 --> 00:56:29,520
Speaker 1: me what is the biggest threat to mental health, people

882
00:56:29,560 --> 00:56:33,480
Speaker 1: think that I'm going to say things like addiction, anxiety, depression,

883
00:56:33,640 --> 00:56:38,160
Speaker 1: But it's actually not respecting your energy and not setting

884
00:56:38,239 --> 00:56:40,839
Speaker 1: up boundaries in your life to protect them. I can't

885
00:56:40,840 --> 00:56:43,040
Speaker 1: tell you how many times I see people that are

886
00:56:43,160 --> 00:56:47,200
Speaker 1: really really stretched thin and then someone asks them, hey,

887
00:56:47,239 --> 00:56:49,160
Speaker 1: do you want to like hang out and do this

888
00:56:49,320 --> 00:56:51,839
Speaker 1: social thing on the weekend, When it's like, you know,

889
00:56:52,320 --> 00:56:57,279
Speaker 1: you need to say no and take care of yourself. Now,

890
00:56:57,320 --> 00:57:00,960
Speaker 1: some people they need isolated time to rejuvenate. Other people

891
00:57:01,000 --> 00:57:03,799
Speaker 1: they need social time to rejuvenate. But you need to

892
00:57:03,880 --> 00:57:07,400
Speaker 1: make choices that honor your energy and protect your mental health.

893
00:57:07,480 --> 00:57:09,560
Speaker 1: There are certain people that when you're around them, it

894
00:57:09,560 --> 00:57:11,640
Speaker 1: becomes a threat to your energy and mental health, and

895
00:57:11,760 --> 00:57:15,800
Speaker 1: others it becomes an asset to your energy and mental health.

896
00:57:16,000 --> 00:57:21,720
Speaker 1: You've got to make choices that honor that. Since in

897
00:57:21,760 --> 00:57:25,800
Speaker 1: this session, we highlighted Jay's pattern of looking in her

898
00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:29,960
Speaker 1: history and finding flaws and the consequences of that pattern,

899
00:57:30,640 --> 00:57:33,160
Speaker 1: I know there are many people out there listening to

900
00:57:33,200 --> 00:57:36,040
Speaker 1: this episode that also struggle with that. So what I

901
00:57:36,080 --> 00:57:38,120
Speaker 1: would like you to do is get a piece of

902
00:57:38,160 --> 00:57:40,240
Speaker 1: paper or an iPad, whatever it does, you write on,

903
00:57:40,720 --> 00:57:44,520
Speaker 1: and I want you to write down ten achievements you've

904
00:57:44,560 --> 00:57:46,600
Speaker 1: made in your life. I don't care if they're huge

905
00:57:46,640 --> 00:57:49,920
Speaker 1: achievements like you've done big massive things, or even small

906
00:57:50,000 --> 00:57:52,680
Speaker 1: wins like you know you lost five pounds when you

907
00:57:52,680 --> 00:57:55,720
Speaker 1: wanted to. Whatever it is, just write down ten accomplishments

908
00:57:55,720 --> 00:57:57,920
Speaker 1: that you had to put forth even a little effort

909
00:57:58,040 --> 00:58:01,560
Speaker 1: into make successful and make happen. And then for each

910
00:58:01,600 --> 00:58:04,480
Speaker 1: of those ten, I want you to find two traits

911
00:58:04,520 --> 00:58:07,800
Speaker 1: that you have within you that allowed you to achieve

912
00:58:08,120 --> 00:58:10,920
Speaker 1: those ten things. Now, the positive thing that will come

913
00:58:10,960 --> 00:58:13,360
Speaker 1: from this, it's going to force your brain to do

914
00:58:13,400 --> 00:58:18,120
Speaker 1: an incredibly important thing, and that is take credit for

915
00:58:18,240 --> 00:58:22,160
Speaker 1: your successes. We have a tendency to we accept blame

916
00:58:22,240 --> 00:58:25,840
Speaker 1: for what went wrong, but we think that our successes

917
00:58:25,920 --> 00:58:28,680
Speaker 1: are just random or luck. I want you to take

918
00:58:28,760 --> 00:58:31,720
Speaker 1: as much credit for your successes as you take blame

919
00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:34,120
Speaker 1: for your flaws. And when you do that, it will

920
00:58:34,160 --> 00:58:37,800
Speaker 1: transform your mental health, your self esteem, and your confidence.

921
00:58:40,160 --> 00:58:43,240
Speaker 1: This is not just a podcast that I want you

922
00:58:43,320 --> 00:58:46,280
Speaker 1: to consume and be entertained by. I actually want you

923
00:58:46,400 --> 00:58:49,600
Speaker 1: to be inspired. I want you to be impacted by this,

924
00:58:50,040 --> 00:58:53,200
Speaker 1: and in fact, we can't help but be impacted by

925
00:58:53,240 --> 00:58:55,720
Speaker 1: the content we consume. So what I would like for

926
00:58:55,760 --> 00:58:58,680
Speaker 1: you to do is come on this healing journey with us.

927
00:58:58,800 --> 00:59:03,160
Speaker 1: Come on this journey of change rediscovery with us.

928
00:59:03,440 --> 00:59:04,360
Speaker 2: And the way to do.

929
00:59:04,240 --> 00:59:07,560
Speaker 1: That is to just pay attention to the things going

930
00:59:07,640 --> 00:59:10,800
Speaker 1: on in your life as a consequence of listening to

931
00:59:10,880 --> 00:59:14,040
Speaker 1: this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life shifting

932
00:59:14,160 --> 00:59:17,400
Speaker 1: in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable

933
00:59:17,440 --> 00:59:21,280
Speaker 1: outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of your success,

934
00:59:21,640 --> 00:59:23,640
Speaker 1: your resilience, and your strength.

935
00:59:23,840 --> 00:59:26,120
Speaker 2: And let us know in the comments.

936
00:59:25,880 --> 00:59:28,600
Speaker 1: What you're noticing in your life as a result of

937
00:59:28,640 --> 00:59:31,320
Speaker 1: listening to this podcast and as a result of paying

938
00:59:31,360 --> 00:59:34,440
Speaker 1: attention to these things. I would love to hear from

939
00:59:34,480 --> 00:59:38,080
Speaker 1: you about your healing journey, your family, and your feedback.

940
00:59:38,240 --> 00:59:40,600
Speaker 1: Leave a review, send a DM, connect with me on

941
00:59:40,600 --> 00:59:43,280
Speaker 1: socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also send me

942
00:59:43,320 --> 00:59:45,800
Speaker 1: a text message to nine seventy two four two six

943
00:59:45,960 --> 00:59:49,440
Speaker 1: two six four zero. Family Therapy is a production of

944
00:59:49,560 --> 00:59:53,160
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network special thanks to

945
00:59:53,200 --> 00:59:56,840
Speaker 1: our assistant Glendale Sepe. It's produced by Jack Queish Thomas

946
00:59:57,000 --> 00:59:59,160
Speaker 1: and the executive producer Dolly S.

947
00:59:59,080 --> 00:59:59,480
Speaker 2: S Fisher.

948
01:00:00,120 --> 01:00:03,440
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio

949
01:00:03,520 --> 01:00:07,000
Speaker 1: app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The

950
01:00:07,040 --> 01:00:09,920
Speaker 1: content presented on the Family Therapy Podcast serves solely for

951
01:00:10,080 --> 01:00:12,840
Speaker 1: educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a

952
01:00:12,840 --> 01:00:15,760
Speaker 1: replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does

953
01:00:15,800 --> 01:00:19,000
Speaker 1: not constitute a provider antient relationship. It is advisable to

954
01:00:19,040 --> 01:00:21,680
Speaker 1: consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any

955
01:00:21,720 --> 01:00:23,600
Speaker 1: specific concerns or questions you may have