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Speaker 1: All right, break it down.

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Speaker 2: If you ever have feelings that you just fons Amy

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Speaker 2: and Cat gotcha Covin locking a brother, Ladies and felts,

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Speaker 2: do you just follow an the spirit where it's all

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Speaker 2: the front and real stuff to the chill stuff and

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Speaker 2: him but Swayne, Sometimes the best thing you can do

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Speaker 2: it just stop you feel things.

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Speaker 1: This is feeling things with Amy and Cat, Happy Tuesday,

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Speaker 1: feeling things. I'm Amy, I'm Cat. And this is week

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Speaker 1: two of the four horsemen. Last week we did Week one,

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Speaker 1: part one, however you want to put it, and we

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Speaker 1: tackled criticism one of the horsemen. The next horseman is defensiveness.

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Speaker 3: You said that with a lot of umph. Are you

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Speaker 3: excited about this one?

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Speaker 1: Well, I think I'm more excited about it than I

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Speaker 1: was last week because whenever we were talking about criticism

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Speaker 1: last week and we decided that defensiveness was going to

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Speaker 1: be week two, I then had this realization thanks to

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Speaker 1: my boyfriend, and he didn't even know this is what

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Speaker 1: we were talking about. This just came up organically. He's like,

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Speaker 1: you get so defensive all the time, or you're always defensive,

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Speaker 1: and then that makes me think of criticism because he's

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Speaker 1: using the all or nothing type words, and I'm like, oh, really,

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Speaker 1: am I always defensive?

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Speaker 3: Were you being defensive about something? When he said that, Well,

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Speaker 3: he's not wrong.

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Speaker 1: I don't know what it is. He thinks that I

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Speaker 1: jumped to that I'm being judged, so I have to

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Speaker 1: explain myself. And I don't know if it's defensive that

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Speaker 1: would fall into this category. But I also don't want

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Speaker 1: that to be me being defensive about it, like, well,

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Speaker 1: I get that we're doing this, but that's not me

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Speaker 1: because I don't want to make an excuse. And maybe

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Speaker 1: this is something that now I have awareness of and

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Speaker 1: I need to work on, or it's like some insecurity,

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Speaker 1: which I know that is an ego thing. So I'm

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Speaker 1: excited to learn more and also use this as a

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Speaker 1: very very very personal therapy session for myself. So thank

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Speaker 1: you for leading it, Kat. And I was thinking it

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Speaker 1: might be fun if I call him him and I say,

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Speaker 1: what is it you say that I always do? I'll

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Speaker 1: bet you one hundred dollars. He says, get defensive. Okay, okay, At.

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Speaker 3: I was gonna say, if he does say that, do

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Speaker 3: I pay you a hundred dollars? No?

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Speaker 1: How about if he.

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Speaker 3: Doesn't say it. You have to pay an exactly.

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Speaker 1: No, I'm down for that.

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Speaker 3: This is like this, Then you're really confident.

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Speaker 1: I'm pretty confident.

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Speaker 3: There's no winning for you in this.

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Speaker 1: Okay, I know he's at the airport. Hold on, let

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Speaker 1: me see if he's gonna win, if he's gonna not

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Speaker 1: win the answer, if I'm gonna win. Hey, what is

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Speaker 1: it you say that I always do? Damn? Okay, thank you,

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Speaker 1: thank you by ye Wait no, no, I'm telling you.

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Speaker 1: It's only because this like just came up. So I

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Speaker 1: mean I I I led the witness with you say

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Speaker 1: I always do this last night at seven pm. It

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Speaker 1: wasn't last night, but it was in between our last

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Speaker 1: episode in this one.

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Speaker 3: Okay, so I'm gonna go ahead and say this. You

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Speaker 3: probably don't always do it, but maybe it pops up

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Speaker 3: a lot.

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Speaker 1: Well, he gave me some examples, and I must say

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Speaker 1: he's not wrong. And then he was like, there also

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Speaker 1: is an example where he saw me do it to

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Speaker 1: my ex husband. So it's not that I'm just doing

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Speaker 1: it to him, not to my ex husband, but about

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Speaker 1: my ex husband. I guess. So we were at a

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Speaker 1: cross country race and my ex husband was there, and

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Speaker 1: then Alex was there because we're watching our son race,

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Speaker 1: and an interaction happened and we walked away and I

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Speaker 1: got defensive and he said, I don't think he meant

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Speaker 1: it that way, and I was like, oh, you don't.

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Speaker 1: He's like, no, I'm filtering things the wrong way to

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Speaker 1: where I feel like I need to respond with some

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Speaker 1: sort of defense. Let me ask you this. Another example

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Speaker 1: he gave was at the park. We had taken the

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Speaker 1: dog and it was a hot day and I didn't

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Speaker 1: have water for the dog, and I wanted to hurry

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Speaker 1: up and get back to the car because I realized

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Speaker 1: this was too warm. We shouldn't have done it, and

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Speaker 1: I was judging myself for it. So this person stopped

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Speaker 1: and was like, hey, would you like some water for

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Speaker 1: your dog? And I was like no, we're good. We

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Speaker 1: were almost to the car, but then they keep walking

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Speaker 1: and I instantly was like, oh my gosh, like they

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Speaker 1: were judging me. And he's like, no, I think they

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Speaker 1: were just offering a water and I was like, no,

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Speaker 1: they're judging me as a person and a dog mom

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Speaker 1: and I don't know what I'm doing and why would

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Speaker 1: I bring a dog out on this hot day and

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Speaker 1: not have water, But how do they know if I've

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Speaker 1: had water or not? Because we did have water. I

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Speaker 1: did give her some of my water, but then I

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Speaker 1: ran out, you.

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Speaker 3: Know, just nding yourself in the middle of Yeah, so

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Speaker 3: it sounds like you there's a projection there where like

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Speaker 3: you're assuming that they're thinking things that you maybe are

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Speaker 3: thinking of yourself. Sure, I'm trying to think if you

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Speaker 3: get like that with me, And I can't think of

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Speaker 3: specific examples, but I do know that you don't like

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Speaker 3: to be misunderstood.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that is true. It might just be in my

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Speaker 1: romantic relationships and with my dog or with myself.

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Speaker 3: There's a difference in being defensive in I mean, I

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Speaker 3: get with the dog thing. I get that, and like, yes,

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Speaker 3: maybe there are some defensiveness there that you can check

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Speaker 3: in with and what was going on with me, And

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Speaker 3: we'll talk about that as we get into this. But

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Speaker 3: what we're talking about is how it impacts communication and

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Speaker 3: vulnerability and getting needs met in relationships.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. That's why when I read over some of your notes,

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Speaker 1: I was like, I don't think this is me. But

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Speaker 1: then I didn't know if that was me getting defensive

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Speaker 1: because it is me.

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Speaker 3: It might be I get defensive, So like, okay, I'm

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Speaker 3: guilty of some of this. I should say this because

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Speaker 3: last week when we started, we talked about how like

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Speaker 3: these things are predictors of the demise of relationships, and

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Speaker 3: these things help predictive relationships able to be carried on

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Speaker 3: in a healthy way long term or not. You're going

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Speaker 3: to do these things everyone a while. It's not about

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Speaker 3: never doing this. It's not all or nothing. It's more

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Speaker 3: so looking at the whole of things. So if the

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Speaker 3: majority of the time it's progress not perfection kind of thing, like,

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Speaker 3: I can be consistently not defensive, but every now and

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Speaker 3: then I might get defensive. And the helpful part of

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Speaker 3: this is when I noticed that popping up, I can

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Speaker 3: clock it and say, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on

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Speaker 3: with me right now? What's happening? What judgments am I making?

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Speaker 3: So then I can create a repair. I'm glad you're

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Speaker 3: saying this because people that are listening might be like, oh,

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Speaker 3: I do that my relationship is going to end. We're

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Speaker 3: all going to do this.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I think I still have hope for my relationship.

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Speaker 1: I think that it was just brought to my attention

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Speaker 1: by my partner that I do this.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, what a healthy response to, like check in with that,

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Speaker 3: versus you being defensive and saying no, I don't you

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Speaker 3: do it? You know, yeah, that would be bad.

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Speaker 1: I'm thankful that I was able to even when he

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Speaker 1: pointed out what I was doing with my ex husband,

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Speaker 1: I was like, huh, okay.

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Speaker 3: You're not that anging like taking feedback.

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Speaker 1: Oh thanks. I hope to be. I'm sure I'm not always,

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Speaker 1: but I really want to be. And I think that's

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Speaker 1: also a sign of even though he did use the

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Speaker 1: word always, and he likely shouldn't because I know I'm

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Speaker 1: not always defensive. He's a very stable person in my life.

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Speaker 1: He met my sister's husband recently for the first time,

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Speaker 1: and my niece that's the second time she met him.

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Speaker 1: And then our friend Chase, that was like the second

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Speaker 1: time he had hung out with him, and we were

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Speaker 1: all together, and my niece said to him, Hey, what's

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Speaker 1: your favorite thing about Amy? And then I said she

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Speaker 1: was like, okay, I mean, what's your favorite thing about him?

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Speaker 1: And we boiled it down to that he's steadfast, like

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Speaker 1: he's consistent and calm, and my nervous system really needs that.

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Speaker 1: And so now I am doing self reflection of like,

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Speaker 1: because I don't have the chaos that I've had in

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Speaker 1: previous relationships. Partly my fault for the chaos too. But

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Speaker 1: since there is no chaos, what part of me is

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Speaker 1: still on edge that has to like defend? So like

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Speaker 1: maybe that's my Like we're an onion and we're peeling

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Speaker 1: back the layers and I've worked on all these other things,

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Speaker 1: and maybe this is one of my lingering, my lingering layers.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, linger layers. Oh okay, ll you're l well

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Speaker 3: before we get into it, we're already into it. Do

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Speaker 3: you want to share your feeling on the day?

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Speaker 1: Sure, don't judge me. I don't have to defend myself.

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Speaker 1: I'm feeling sneaky. Can you tell you?

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Speaker 3: See? I can see you can't. Yeah, well, dang, I

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Speaker 3: but you are sneaky to everybody watching because I.

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Speaker 1: Did such a good job that I even forgot and

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Speaker 1: then I was scratching my face earlier and I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: what's that I forgot? I have two pimple patches on.

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Speaker 3: Oh where's the other one?

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Speaker 1: Oh you thought I just had one? Yeah right here,

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Speaker 1: I see see I am sneaky.

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Speaker 3: You are sneaky. So thought on this did you mean

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Speaker 3: to wear.

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Speaker 1: Did you wear them to work? Yeah? Yes, but it's

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Speaker 1: far enough away. I just forgot because I get ready

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Speaker 1: so early. And then I also had up close conversations

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Speaker 1: with people at work and I was like, well, dang, forgot,

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Speaker 1: and they definitely you meant to wear.

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Speaker 3: Them to work. Yeah, so did you know that specifically,

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Speaker 3: gen Z? I think where's like the pimple patches that

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Speaker 3: are in like the shapes of hearts and stars and

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Speaker 3: all that, like as style it is.

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Speaker 1: Yes, my daughter does it. Yeah, she had a star

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Speaker 1: on her face at work the.

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Speaker 3: Other day and it just looks like they're wearing stickers

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Speaker 3: on their face, but it's pimple patch. Yeah. So my

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Speaker 3: reaction to that was like, I'm not going to do that,

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Speaker 3: but good for them for taking something that in my

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Speaker 3: age in high school, I would have mortified that I

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Speaker 3: had a pimple. So I definitely wantn't want to put

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Speaker 3: I mean it's like, what do you want to put

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Speaker 3: a pimple patch on it so people can't see your

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Speaker 3: pimple or they can see it, Like which is worse

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Speaker 3: or which is better? I'm like, good for gen Z

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Speaker 3: for taking something that we're taught is you should feel

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Speaker 3: insecure about and bad about. And they're like, I'm gonna

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Speaker 3: make it into fashion.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, well, good for the whatever company invented the stars

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Speaker 1: and the smiley faces, because they're like making bank. They're expensive.

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Speaker 1: The pimple patches, well, I haven't done the exact math

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Speaker 1: on per patch price the PPP, but it can't be

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Speaker 1: good because I keep buying them and I'm like, do

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Speaker 1: they work? Well, here's what my dermatologist said about them.

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Speaker 1: He's a fan of them, and yes they can work,

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Speaker 1: like they do have medicine and things happening to help

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Speaker 1: like pull it out. But he's like, the main thing

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Speaker 1: is it's going to keep you from picking at it

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Speaker 1: and keep you from infecting it or irritating it, and

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Speaker 1: then you have it for longer and then you're left

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Speaker 1: with a scar on your face. So he's like, that's

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Speaker 1: why I think they come in as like a total win.

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Speaker 1: I was going to try to figure out the PPP,

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Speaker 1: but if I do, I'm going to stop buying them

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Speaker 1: because I'm gonna be like, every time I pop one

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Speaker 1: of these stickers on my face, it's however much mine's

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Speaker 1: not the cute star first of all, I'm not gen z.

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Speaker 1: I don't know as a forty four year old woman,

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Speaker 1: I can walk around with a cute little star on

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Speaker 1: my face. But also I don't know that I should

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Speaker 1: be walking around with the clear obvious ones. Although today

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Speaker 1: I put a little makeup on top of one of them.

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Speaker 1: Obviously it's stuck around and did a good job because

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Speaker 1: you didn't notice it. But it just felt sneaky, well

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Speaker 1: good for you. And confident because I'm not going to

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Speaker 1: let a couple pimples stop me. Heck yeah, yeah, So

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Speaker 1: those are my feelings of the day.

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Speaker 3: Okay, wait, confident and sneaky. I like it all right, Well,

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Speaker 3: are you ready to jump in?

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Speaker 1: Ready?

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Speaker 3: So we already obviously have told you guys were doing defensiveness.

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Speaker 3: The first horseman we did was criticism, and this again

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Speaker 3: comes from the things that John Gotman discovered help us

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Speaker 3: predict what is going to impact relationships in a negative way.

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Speaker 3: So second one, defensiveness. When you think of defensiveness, not

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Speaker 3: like the right definition. I just want you to tell

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Speaker 3: me what you think of when you think of somebody being.

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Speaker 1: Defensive, right, Well, just speak for myself here, like when

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Speaker 1: I know and I'm getting defensive. You're explaining an action,

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Speaker 1: but it might not be in the healthiest way for me.

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Speaker 1: I'm instantly going into like I need to protect mode,

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Speaker 1: or I'm a victim in this situation and I need

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Speaker 1: to clarify, like well, this is why this happened, or

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Speaker 1: like I'm being judged or attacked, like I thought the

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Speaker 1: dog people were automatically judging me when all they did

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Speaker 1: was offer me water. But then suddenly now I'm this

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Speaker 1: horrible person. Yeah, but I'm not. So I don't know.

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Speaker 1: Was that victim mode?

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Speaker 3: Yeah? You I think obviously you've read some of my notes,

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Speaker 3: so you have some of these words in your brain.

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Speaker 3: And also that probably is what you would have thought originally.

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Speaker 1: Oh, that's you trying to allude that I'm just using

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Speaker 1: your note.

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Speaker 3: No, you got it.

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Speaker 1: I mean I know, I know I already read it.

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Speaker 1: So I don't know how that.

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Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, you hit the nail on the head.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, I don't know how to answer it because

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Speaker 1: I have already read the notes.

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Speaker 3: And then I have a trick question.

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Speaker 1: But I know that my behavior is victimy.

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Speaker 3: Okay, so good self awareness. So the gotmans define this.

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Speaker 1: But you're gonna sume I just got it from your notes.

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Speaker 3: No, I I'm.

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Speaker 1: Doing role playing. Oh so that you know?

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Speaker 3: Okay, that's perfect. Yeah, okay. So the goblins defined defensiveness

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Speaker 3: as self protection in the form of righteousness or proclaiming

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Speaker 3: victimhood in an attempt to avoid a perceived attack. Okay,

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Speaker 3: so the important part here is to avoid a perceived attack.

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Speaker 3: We become defensive when we are criticized a lot of times,

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Speaker 3: and we talked about that last week of it kind

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Speaker 3: of sets you up to be defensive because it's an

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Speaker 3: attack on your character. But a lot of times too,

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Speaker 3: we become a defensive when we just perceive somebody is

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Speaker 3: criticizing us and maybe they're not. And that's where this

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Speaker 3: really gets dicey, because then we end up ignoring the

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Speaker 3: needs or the thoughts or the feelings of our partner

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Speaker 3: and we just immediately turn her around on them and

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Speaker 3: we don't end up hearing them. Then they can become

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Speaker 3: pretty frustrated because it's like, I mean, it's a what's

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Speaker 3: a domino effect? You say something to me, I just

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Speaker 3: hear the negative part, so then I put it back

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Speaker 3: on you. Then you feel not heard or listened to,

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Speaker 3: and then they put it back on me, and it

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Speaker 3: just goes nowhere good fast. So the first thing to

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Speaker 3: recognize is this might not be about what somebody is saying.

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Speaker 3: So the first thing to recognize is this might not

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Speaker 3: be about what somebody is saying. It might really be

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Speaker 3: about how I'm feeling. You were talking about that with

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Speaker 3: a dog, so you were already feeling.

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Speaker 1: Bad about having my dog out there and feeling like,

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Speaker 1: I'm why did I think the temperature was okay enough?

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Speaker 1: Like this is miserable for her, and then for me

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Speaker 1: because I'm feeling miserable for her and all I want

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Speaker 1: to do is get back to the car. Yeah, looks

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Speaker 1: like nobody noticing that I have my dog.

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Speaker 3: So you're not. You're reacting to the words of this

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Speaker 3: person without listening to what they're saying. They're really just

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Speaker 3: offering you are right, but you're reacting to something going

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Speaker 3: on in your brain exactly. And then the other thing

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Speaker 3: that happens is you turn this around on people a

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Speaker 3: lot of times where it becomes it's not me me,

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Speaker 3: there's nothing wrong with me, it's you. This person is

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Speaker 3: being judgmental or you didn't do this, and that's why

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Speaker 3: you're trying to point the blame on me, and it

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Speaker 3: becomes a blame game. Now. There are times, because I'm

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Speaker 3: sure people will think, like, well, how do I know

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Speaker 3: when it's okay to defend myself? There are times when

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Speaker 3: it's like makes sense. If somebody's accusing you of something,

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Speaker 3: literally accusing you something of you that you didn't do,

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Speaker 3: you're allowed to stick up for yourself. But we're talking

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Speaker 3: about when somebody is really just sharing something that's mostly

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Speaker 3: about them, and then we're turning it around.

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Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, and that's where we get to also remind

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Speaker 1: ourselves and not everything is about us. I think most

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Speaker 1: of my defensiveness in my relationship is the the dog example.

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Speaker 1: It's the I'm making it into something that it's not,

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Speaker 1: you know, like I don't think I'm getting defensive back

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Speaker 1: on him, like, well, I wouldn't add to this way

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Speaker 1: if if you didn't do this, you know, like, I

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Speaker 1: don't think I have that behavior going on. As you

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Speaker 1: explain more, I'll cop up to it. If I do

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Speaker 1: have that behavior, I'll let you know. But I do

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Speaker 1: want to dig deeper, not here with y'all, but in

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Speaker 1: my own work of figuring out why. It's almost like

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Speaker 1: my it's just my go to it's my automatic response,

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Speaker 1: is like, and that's what he noticed. Even with my

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Speaker 1: ex husband, my excessan was just saying something to me

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Speaker 1: and we walked away, and I was like, oh, well,

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Speaker 1: he's implying that I'm da da da and he's like, no, I.

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Speaker 3: Don't say that.

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Speaker 1: I don't.

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Speaker 3: But then he becomes the bad guy because he's implying

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Speaker 3: this thing about and.

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Speaker 1: It's never anything that I'm getting mad at. But yeah,

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Speaker 1: it makes me wonder of how many times maybe I

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Speaker 1: built these false narratives that aren't really true when really

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Speaker 1: we'll keep using the dog thing an example, like someone

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Speaker 1: literally might just be offering me a cup of water

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Speaker 1: and I'm.

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Speaker 3: Like, huh, because maybe their dog was really thirsty they

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Speaker 3: were thinking about the other dogs there.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, the cup of water could be anything you insert

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Speaker 1: whatever situation it is for you, Like someone's literally just

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Speaker 1: being kind and you're it's a threat and it's not.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, So let's talk about more examples of what this

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Speaker 3: really looks like. So and you can insert any kind

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Speaker 3: of household situation or plans like something. This is what

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Speaker 3: we're going to use kind of the same kind of examples,

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Speaker 3: but we.

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Speaker 1: Love a good household chor example, yeah, we do.

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Speaker 3: Especially a chore that like I don't want to do.

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Speaker 3: But let's say that I needed my which we do.

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Speaker 3: We need our air filters switched out, right, And let's

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Speaker 3: say my husband has agreed to like switch them out

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Speaker 3: or something like that, and I say to him, hey,

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Speaker 3: have you had a chance to switch those air filters out?

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Speaker 3: I noticed last week that they were still the old

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Speaker 3: ones are still in there. Pretty normal request, right, Yeah,

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Speaker 3: And this is helpful for you to hear this because

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Speaker 3: because this isn't about you, you're not going to have

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Speaker 3: that You're not going to be thinking about all of

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Speaker 3: the extra noise, so you can kind of hear these

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Speaker 3: examples more clearly. So what defensiveness would sound like was

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Speaker 3: if I said that to my husband, hey have you

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Speaker 3: had a chance to change the air filters? If he

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Speaker 3: was getting defensive with me, he would say something like,

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Speaker 3: I was really busy today. I didn't have time to

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Speaker 3: do that. If you've had time to look at it,

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Speaker 3: why didn't you do it yourself? Okay, like why haven't

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Speaker 3: you done this?

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Speaker 1: Mean defensive?

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Speaker 3: Well, it can be mean like I've been really busy,

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Speaker 3: I've been working all day you've been doing X, Y Z.

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Speaker 3: If you had a chance to look at them, why

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Speaker 3: didn't you just change them yourself? Where he's one I'm

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Speaker 3: just checking in just but then he's flipping it back

386
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Speaker 3: on like you're the one that should have done it

387
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Speaker 3: if you've been thinking about it this much, you know,

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Speaker 3: And then it can be become even more like victimy

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Speaker 3: if somebody adds something like I've been so exhausted from

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Speaker 3: working so hard to support us. If you've had time

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Speaker 3: to look at it, you see how that turns into

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Speaker 3: like you're the victim that is worked, that is so

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Speaker 3: tired and exhausted, and like I'm the one that's just

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Speaker 3: like yeating around looking at the air filters. M. Yeah.

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Speaker 3: So when we do show up at defensive, what happens

396
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Speaker 3: is our excuses end up sharing I think I said

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Speaker 3: this already, showing our partners that we're not really hearing

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Speaker 3: them or not really listening to them. So rather than

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Speaker 3: hearing the request or hearing the thing that they're just

400
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:46,960
Speaker 3: showing up with, we're thinking about how do I protect

401
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Speaker 3: myself because this is all about ego, which this might

402
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Speaker 3: help you, like if I have some kind of ego

403
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Speaker 3: block or I have some insecurity, I'm going to be

404
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:59,320
Speaker 3: focusing on that. And this is a this is a

405
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Speaker 3: natural thing for us to do. So if I have

406
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Speaker 3: an insecurity, I'm going to focus on it more than

407
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,919
Speaker 3: I probably want to. I'm going to be paying attention

408
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,040
Speaker 3: to it. That's the filter. We've talked about filters a lot.

409
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Speaker 3: I'm filtering what somebody is saying, and it's going through

410
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Speaker 3: my filter, and then I'm hearing it, so I'm not

411
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Speaker 3: actually just hearing the words that somebody's saying. So another

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Speaker 3: example would be if I said something like, hey, I

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Speaker 3: noticed that you have a work dinner booked on Thursday.

414
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Speaker 3: That's actually when I have my book club and we're

415
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Speaker 3: going to need childcare. Pretty normal thing to say, right right.

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Speaker 3: Somebody who is defensive could respond and say something like,

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Speaker 3: I can't cancel a work meeting because you have a

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Speaker 3: social event. I can't just be looking at your social

419
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Speaker 3: calendar every time I have to do something for work.

420
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Speaker 3: I'm trying to support our family.

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Speaker 1: When really all that's said is said, we should get

422
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Speaker 1: a babysitter.

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Speaker 3: Yes, where If you're really hearing somebody, what you might

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Speaker 3: say is like, oh, oh my gosh, thank you for

425
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:03,320
Speaker 3: catching that that would have been a disaster if we

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Speaker 3: waited till Thursday and then saw that I can't cancel

427
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,560
Speaker 3: that meeting, and I don't want you to miss your

428
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Speaker 3: book club. So let's see if we can find childcare.

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00:21:10,119 --> 00:21:14,840
Speaker 3: If not, we'll find another solution. No big deal, right Yeah. So,

430
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:17,800
Speaker 3: at its core, defensiveness is just a way for us

431
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Speaker 3: to protect ourselves. But what John Goutman does with all

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Speaker 3: of these four horsemen is he gives us a way

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Speaker 3: to solve this problem in our relationship, to solve the

434
00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:33,280
Speaker 3: issue with the communication, which we call the antidote. Do

435
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:35,160
Speaker 3: you know what the antidote is not for this one?

436
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:36,120
Speaker 1: I didn't read that part.

437
00:21:36,359 --> 00:21:43,040
Speaker 3: Oh, okay, okay, So for this the antidote would be

438
00:21:43,359 --> 00:21:46,919
Speaker 3: to just take responsibility, which you're gonna I think be

439
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,560
Speaker 3: able to help describe this a lot, because it's the

440
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:51,800
Speaker 3: same idea of like cleaning up your side of the street.

441
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:55,760
Speaker 3: You know, like, usually it's not one person did something

442
00:21:56,119 --> 00:22:00,560
Speaker 3: wrong and they're the sole responsible person for whatever issue

443
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:03,160
Speaker 3: there is a relationship. It's usually like, oh, there's something

444
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:04,920
Speaker 3: that I can own up here, and like I don't

445
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:08,040
Speaker 3: have to take responsiblity for all of it. But This

446
00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:12,760
Speaker 3: is the most simple, simple, simple thing ever. Take responsibility

447
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:16,199
Speaker 3: for your part. So when you think about maybe the

448
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:17,480
Speaker 3: dog example, what would.

449
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:20,560
Speaker 1: That look like, Well, I mean that's just where he

450
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,280
Speaker 1: pointed out, like, I don't think that's what that person meant, like,

451
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:25,199
Speaker 1: I don't think he's like I think you think that

452
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:27,680
Speaker 1: people are looking at you and judging you, and they're not.

453
00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:32,440
Speaker 1: Nobody's even they're walking by you and not thinking about

454
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:36,240
Speaker 1: you again, whereas I'm like, oh, they're walking by me

455
00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:39,760
Speaker 1: like horrible dog, mom, she sucks, what a loser?

456
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:43,520
Speaker 3: Would it makes sense if that happened again for you

457
00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:46,560
Speaker 3: to just say, oh, my gosh, yes, I wish I would

458
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:49,400
Speaker 3: have brought a bottle of water, but that'd be great. Yeah.

459
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,960
Speaker 1: I think looking back, if I was in a healthier

460
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:56,840
Speaker 1: place with it, I could say I already feel like

461
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:59,240
Speaker 1: I would need to clarify that I did have water earlier,

462
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:05,639
Speaker 1: which is already dress like it's like a partial little

463
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:07,119
Speaker 1: defensive can.

464
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:11,000
Speaker 3: I think the important part of this is nobody's saying

465
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,720
Speaker 3: that you did any any like, nobody's out here being

466
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:17,160
Speaker 3: thinking those things, And so when people aren't thinking those

467
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:20,199
Speaker 3: negative things about you, it's easier to like own that like,

468
00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:23,440
Speaker 3: dang it, it's hotter than I thought it was, which

469
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:25,520
Speaker 3: I would have brought forty ounces in of twenty four.

470
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:28,720
Speaker 3: Like nobody's out here saying like she's so dumb and

471
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:31,000
Speaker 3: she shouldn't be able to own a dog because she

472
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:34,440
Speaker 3: can't predict how much water she's gonna nobody's saying that.

473
00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:38,000
Speaker 3: So if nobody is attacking my character who I am,

474
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,480
Speaker 3: then it's so much easier to be like, oh my gosh.

475
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:42,800
Speaker 1: Yes, like thank you, we would love water. Were almost

476
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:46,320
Speaker 1: of the car, but that would be great. Yeah, I

477
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:49,040
Speaker 1: should have just accepted the water. That's my thing, Like

478
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:51,159
Speaker 1: I should have accept the water we were close to

479
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:53,239
Speaker 1: the car. But the right thing would be to do

480
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:58,520
Speaker 1: to set my feelings aside and give my precious dog

481
00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:02,560
Speaker 1: the water. And I mean, thankfully she was fine, Everything

482
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:04,080
Speaker 1: was gonna be okay. I think I built it up

483
00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:06,040
Speaker 1: more in my head that I was just this horrible

484
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:10,880
Speaker 1: dog person. And I guess it's the easiest example to give.

485
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,120
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm sure there's more like in my relationship,

486
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:15,720
Speaker 1: but I feel like this just is a like a

487
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,520
Speaker 1: plug and play. You could insert whatever your situation or

488
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:22,720
Speaker 1: scenario is, and how easily we make it all about us,

489
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:25,840
Speaker 1: or at least I do when it's not. And that

490
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:30,760
Speaker 1: was really my boyfriend's point was you do this often,

491
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:34,240
Speaker 1: and he wasn't. He said it in a loving way.

492
00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:38,199
Speaker 1: He wasn't like, oh I know, I said it like

493
00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:41,240
Speaker 1: criticism like always, like you always do this. He wasn't

494
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:43,520
Speaker 1: being rude at all. He was just like, hey, like,

495
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:47,520
Speaker 1: are you aware that this is something that you do

496
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:52,080
Speaker 1: a lot? But again, I don't think I'm the type

497
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:55,080
Speaker 1: that's like throwing it back in his face of like,

498
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:57,720
Speaker 1: well I've been working all day. Maybe if you did

499
00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:00,320
Speaker 1: a little something around here you would remember or whatever. Well,

500
00:25:00,359 --> 00:25:02,240
Speaker 1: you know, I had to bring the dot like I wasn't.

501
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:03,760
Speaker 1: It's my own stuff.

502
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:07,080
Speaker 3: Well, you defend yourself versus turn yourself. You don't.

503
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:11,080
Speaker 1: I'm not against him. Yeah, you do become yeah, yeah,

504
00:25:11,359 --> 00:25:17,080
Speaker 1: I get defensive at times where defensiveness isn't necessary because nobody.

505
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:20,119
Speaker 3: Was well that's most of the time what's happening. Yeah, okay,

506
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,919
Speaker 3: unless you start out, because how we talked about, like

507
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:25,680
Speaker 3: if you start with criticism, you're going to dive right

508
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:28,199
Speaker 3: into defensiveness. It just sets you up for that. So

509
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:31,520
Speaker 3: like that's where it's like usually you are responding to

510
00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:33,879
Speaker 3: somebody saying something in attacking you, So I need a

511
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:36,560
Speaker 3: new filter. But this is Yeah, so you're assuming that

512
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:39,560
Speaker 3: somebody is criticizing you, but nobody's criticizing you, and so

513
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,600
Speaker 3: there's actually no need to defend yourself. But what is helpful,

514
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:45,560
Speaker 3: I think because this is also a pattern probably, So

515
00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,600
Speaker 3: this is about pattern breaking. So anybody who's listening, give

516
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,919
Speaker 3: yourself a break and give yourself some grace because for

517
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,919
Speaker 3: you to unwind this, you're going to kind of how

518
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,760
Speaker 3: we talked about my tongue thrust last week, Like I

519
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:58,760
Speaker 3: have to pick something in my house to see to

520
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:01,600
Speaker 3: remind myself this, say, hey, where's your tongue sitting? So

521
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:03,720
Speaker 3: I can train my tongue to sit at the roof

522
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:05,840
Speaker 3: of my mouth instead of pushing out my teeth.

523
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:08,360
Speaker 1: So maybe before I speak, when I know something's happening

524
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:11,520
Speaker 1: before I'm about to respond, I can pause and be like, oh,

525
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:13,840
Speaker 1: what's happening with my response here?

526
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,240
Speaker 3: So, yeah, I have a couple of tips that will

527
00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:18,480
Speaker 3: help you, kind of helping the antidotes. Yeah, well, so

528
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:22,359
Speaker 3: the antidote is take responsibility, but just to help, but

529
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:25,320
Speaker 3: to help you get there, I have some tips and

530
00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:29,320
Speaker 3: one question to ask because I notice that I get

531
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,560
Speaker 3: defensive when I'm feeling overwhelmed or when I'm holding something

532
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:34,879
Speaker 3: in and then kind of ends up being this like

533
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:37,960
Speaker 3: big explosion is like this is not who I am.

534
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:42,400
Speaker 3: I don't hold myself and normally walk around feeling defensivenessness

535
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:45,679
Speaker 3: or defensive throughout the world. So when I do start

536
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:48,600
Speaker 3: noticing that coming out, I can ask myself what is

537
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:52,520
Speaker 3: going on outside of all of this? What is going on?

538
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:55,119
Speaker 3: Because I'm feeling something about me and that's why this

539
00:26:55,240 --> 00:27:12,280
Speaker 3: is coming out. So little tips, you ready, so little tips.

540
00:27:13,119 --> 00:27:17,760
Speaker 3: Instead of looking at being right, prioritize understanding what your

541
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:18,480
Speaker 3: partner is saying.

542
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:19,919
Speaker 1: Simple.

543
00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:20,879
Speaker 3: We say it simple.

544
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:23,520
Speaker 1: We say it simple, but like you know, tongue thrust.

545
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:28,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, if you notice wanting to defend yourself, acknowledge that

546
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:32,320
Speaker 3: and take a break. So you talked about pickle.

547
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:35,399
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, well that's yeah. With my ex husband we

548
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:36,800
Speaker 1: have our code word pickle.

549
00:27:37,119 --> 00:27:39,000
Speaker 3: So I think that that's another one of the tips

550
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:40,720
Speaker 3: in here too, is like have a cool down word.

551
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,040
Speaker 3: So if you notice yourself like get revving up and

552
00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:46,040
Speaker 3: like defending yourself, maybe you have another word instead of

553
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,880
Speaker 3: pickle that is like, oh I need to like go

554
00:27:49,359 --> 00:27:52,119
Speaker 3: take a little time out for myself because maybe the

555
00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:53,800
Speaker 3: other person isn't going back forth.

556
00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:56,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, just like I need a break, and we'll circle.

557
00:27:56,119 --> 00:27:59,280
Speaker 3: Back and then clarify what you hear the person saying.

558
00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:02,320
Speaker 3: So how I was talking about the filter. It's so

559
00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:05,600
Speaker 3: helpful in any type of conflict.

560
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:09,160
Speaker 1: That was picturing me to the water person, because yes,

561
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:12,679
Speaker 1: in couples therapy we do this exercise a lot. You're like,

562
00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:15,200
Speaker 1: so what I'm hearing you say is and you repeat

563
00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:17,320
Speaker 1: it back and then they get to say if what

564
00:28:17,359 --> 00:28:20,000
Speaker 1: you repeated back was what they meant. And so I'm

565
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:23,000
Speaker 1: picturing myself to the stranger at the park, like, oh,

566
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:24,600
Speaker 1: you want some water for your dog. So what I'm

567
00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:28,399
Speaker 1: hearing you say is you're just offering me water for

568
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:31,439
Speaker 1: my dog. There's no judgment attached to me being a

569
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:34,959
Speaker 1: horrible dog mom. And then they say that is what

570
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:37,560
Speaker 1: I'm saying. Then I say, okay, I could take the water.

571
00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:43,239
Speaker 1: So can we practice this with anybody we encounter. So

572
00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:46,120
Speaker 1: what I'm hearing you say is you need me to

573
00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:51,040
Speaker 1: pay this right now? Yes, ma'am, I just need your

574
00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:55,840
Speaker 1: credit card, so okay, So no, I'm just thinking of

575
00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:58,600
Speaker 1: like any scenario where you might have to be like, hmm.

576
00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:02,200
Speaker 3: Can't you be defensive when you're like checking out it?

577
00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:04,080
Speaker 1: You're just thinking if you're I don't know, you can

578
00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:07,280
Speaker 1: depends on your filter, ma'am. That'll be two hundred and

579
00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:11,680
Speaker 1: fifty dollars do right now? Right you know, I don't

580
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:14,160
Speaker 1: know now right now. So what I'm hearing you say

581
00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:15,720
Speaker 1: is you need to pay for this right now.

582
00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:17,000
Speaker 3: I don't know.

583
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:18,280
Speaker 1: I'm just practicing saying it back.

584
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:20,280
Speaker 3: You could do that with anything, ye, Or if you're

585
00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:20,440
Speaker 3: at the.

586
00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:22,120
Speaker 1: Mall and they're like, hey, do you want to, you know,

587
00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:24,560
Speaker 1: try this new foundation. So what I'm hearing you say

588
00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:27,240
Speaker 1: is you literally just want me to try this foundation.

589
00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:30,080
Speaker 1: It has nothing to do with my pimple patches and

590
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:31,000
Speaker 1: my complexion.

591
00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:34,680
Speaker 3: So maybe in some of those scenarios you play that

592
00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:40,320
Speaker 3: out in your head, but her conversation with your boyfriend,

593
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:42,240
Speaker 3: maybe that's when you share that out.

594
00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:43,640
Speaker 1: Loud here at a restaurant and they're like, oh, you

595
00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:46,040
Speaker 1: have really good salads. So what I'm hearing you say

596
00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:49,760
Speaker 1: is you really just have good salads or you think

597
00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:51,120
Speaker 1: I need to eat a salad.

598
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:54,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean you could do that if that would

599
00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:55,040
Speaker 3: be helpful.

600
00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:56,720
Speaker 1: I'm just saying like, this could get.

601
00:29:56,800 --> 00:30:01,080
Speaker 3: Dicey, so I don't recommend you do that. However, if

602
00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:03,120
Speaker 3: you do have a feeling that like that come up,

603
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:05,400
Speaker 3: maybe if you're at a restaurant and somebody says that

604
00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:07,000
Speaker 3: and you're like, oh my gosh, I feel like they're

605
00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:08,320
Speaker 3: judging me, and like now I feel like I have

606
00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:10,520
Speaker 3: to get a salad. Process that with a loved one

607
00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:11,280
Speaker 3: or therapist.

608
00:30:11,440 --> 00:30:14,480
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, because well that's the filter. Yeah, it's like

609
00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:15,920
Speaker 1: they're like, of course we're just selling you we have

610
00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:18,640
Speaker 1: good salads. But if you perceive it as they're saying

611
00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:22,400
Speaker 1: you can't order anything else off the menu because clearly

612
00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:25,280
Speaker 1: you need the salad, then yeah, that's that's your information,

613
00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:29,160
Speaker 1: that's your data. Okay, Okay, next, so clarify with your partner.

614
00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:31,880
Speaker 1: Clarify with your partner or stranger what they mean.

615
00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:34,680
Speaker 3: And then the last two are just again, own your behavior.

616
00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:38,080
Speaker 3: I think that it's hard for us to comprehend that

617
00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:41,720
Speaker 3: it's okay to just like own that I did something

618
00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:46,040
Speaker 3: without having to give a justification. Sometimes in our brains

619
00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:49,640
Speaker 3: it's way more bigger than it is in somebody else's brain, Like, so.

620
00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:52,560
Speaker 1: What does that look like just like okay, like if

621
00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:55,000
Speaker 1: you say I did that.

622
00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:57,240
Speaker 3: Like if somebody is here, if you're if you're going

623
00:30:57,280 --> 00:31:00,560
Speaker 3: to if you're owing somewhere and you're running late, and

624
00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:03,320
Speaker 3: your partner's like, hey, we're gonna be late, Like I

625
00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:05,080
Speaker 3: really don't want to be late to this event. Can

626
00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:08,320
Speaker 3: can we get the show on the road and you

627
00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:10,640
Speaker 3: start just listing off all of the things that you've

628
00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:12,680
Speaker 3: done that day that have made you late this far.

629
00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:14,880
Speaker 3: You can just say like, oh my gosh, I'm sorry

630
00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:17,640
Speaker 3: I didn't I didn't manage my time well today. But

631
00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:19,680
Speaker 3: like let's just go. I'll finished getting ready in the car.

632
00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:23,760
Speaker 3: You don't have to continue to like explain its plansplants,

633
00:31:23,760 --> 00:31:28,080
Speaker 3: so just like, oh, you're right, we're behind. Let's go yeah.

634
00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:30,720
Speaker 3: Because that person's not attacking your character. They don't need

635
00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:33,600
Speaker 3: a justification. They're not really mad at you. They just

636
00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:34,640
Speaker 3: want to go yeah.

637
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:37,080
Speaker 1: And I'm like, you know I have time blindness.

638
00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:40,320
Speaker 3: That you don't have to say that, because that's saying

639
00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:44,920
Speaker 3: you know this about me. Oh, that's the subtle shift

640
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:47,520
Speaker 3: of like this is your fault, you know this? Okay.

641
00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:49,240
Speaker 3: So like if yeah, if we're running late for something

642
00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:51,360
Speaker 3: and somebody's like, hey, like we're running late, and like

643
00:31:51,360 --> 00:31:54,040
Speaker 3: we still have to get gas, so we got to go.

644
00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:56,840
Speaker 3: If I'm like, you know that I take longer than

645
00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:59,080
Speaker 3: I say that I need, this is your fault. You

646
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:03,720
Speaker 3: should have done this. It's what happened me. Have I

647
00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:04,960
Speaker 3: been ready thirty minutes ago?

648
00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:06,880
Speaker 1: So that's not the way to handle it. Okay, What

649
00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:09,360
Speaker 1: if you just say, oh, yeah, I'm sorry, I know

650
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:11,760
Speaker 1: this is important too. My time blindness was just really

651
00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:12,440
Speaker 1: on one today.

652
00:32:12,920 --> 00:32:15,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, you can say that, But sometimes I'm just saying

653
00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:19,600
Speaker 3: sometimes it's okay to just say like, my bad and

654
00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:22,680
Speaker 3: then move on, okay, because we're making a bigger deal

655
00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:25,520
Speaker 3: than it probably really is. Yeah, and then the last one,

656
00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:28,360
Speaker 3: it's just like it's okay to say sorry, ask for forgiveness,

657
00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:31,800
Speaker 3: and move forward. Like it is okay to mess up.

658
00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:34,800
Speaker 3: It's okay to have done something wrong. We are going

659
00:32:34,840 --> 00:32:38,800
Speaker 3: to do that in all relationships. We're going to disappoint people,

660
00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:41,400
Speaker 3: we're going to make mistakes, we're going to forget things,

661
00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:44,960
Speaker 3: and it's okay to say like, oh my gosh, I

662
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:48,440
Speaker 3: didn't put that in my calendar. I'm so sorry. What

663
00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:49,360
Speaker 3: can we do to fix it?

664
00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:52,000
Speaker 1: Do you feel like with our working relationship, we do

665
00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:54,680
Speaker 1: a good job. I guess I'm curious if you notice

666
00:32:54,720 --> 00:32:55,960
Speaker 1: me getting defensive with you.

667
00:32:56,600 --> 00:32:58,840
Speaker 3: Well, that's what I was trying to think earlier.

668
00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:03,200
Speaker 1: When you're just it with men and strangers.

669
00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:06,600
Speaker 3: I think that you like to explain yourself, probably too

670
00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:10,600
Speaker 3: much more than you need to, because I think that

671
00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:14,560
Speaker 3: I can. I'm like having memories of experience of being like,

672
00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:16,600
Speaker 3: I'm not mad at you, okay, Like this isn't that

673
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:18,920
Speaker 3: big of a deal, but you're just like I just

674
00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:20,360
Speaker 3: I think that's why I said, like, you like to

675
00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:23,520
Speaker 3: be understood. You hate being misunderstood, which you're saying, so

676
00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:27,000
Speaker 3: I get that, but maybe it could be helpful for

677
00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:30,240
Speaker 3: us to even check in around like Okay, the story

678
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:31,960
Speaker 3: I'm making up in my head is that you're saying

679
00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:34,520
Speaker 3: this so then we can get to a rhythm of

680
00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:36,720
Speaker 3: not being having to Yeah.

681
00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:38,200
Speaker 1: That would be helpful. And the reason why is because

682
00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:41,160
Speaker 1: we obviously have a lot of interaction. Yeah, and if we,

683
00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:44,200
Speaker 1: if I have practice with you, it might help me

684
00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:44,960
Speaker 1: other places.

685
00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:45,520
Speaker 3: Yeah.

686
00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:48,720
Speaker 1: And you have permission. This is like so now an activity,

687
00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:52,600
Speaker 1: so like you have permission to be like, Hey.

688
00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:54,720
Speaker 3: What's a word we can say to each other when

689
00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:57,320
Speaker 3: we notice each other like sib, it's not IB but

690
00:33:57,520 --> 00:33:59,479
Speaker 3: different Like if I if you notice me, or I

691
00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:02,680
Speaker 3: notice you getting defensive, what's a word we can say

692
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:03,720
Speaker 3: so we can be like.

693
00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:11,319
Speaker 1: Oh oh, we would be like DM defensive much DM

694
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:17,959
Speaker 1: okay okay, SIV if we're acting bachi and then DM

695
00:34:18,239 --> 00:34:23,160
Speaker 1: the emphasis with a question mark defensive much defensive much

696
00:34:23,239 --> 00:34:25,799
Speaker 1: DM okay. So then we just do a DM check

697
00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:31,040
Speaker 1: in love it. Not to be confused with dms and Instagram.

698
00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:33,520
Speaker 3: Not to be confused with check your DM right.

699
00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:36,800
Speaker 1: Just DM check in and then that way that that

700
00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:38,759
Speaker 1: would be helpful because I think the more, like you said,

701
00:34:38,800 --> 00:34:44,879
Speaker 1: if it's just become a pattern, it's more difficult to break. Yeah,

702
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:47,360
Speaker 1: and that's what's going on in my case. I honestly

703
00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:51,120
Speaker 1: didn't know. That's how I was responding enough to make

704
00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:54,520
Speaker 1: my boyfriend of a year finally say to me, you

705
00:34:54,719 --> 00:34:59,279
Speaker 1: do this a lot. Ah, most that's crazy. Yeah, let

706
00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:02,120
Speaker 1: me ask you this. Do you count the first date

707
00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:04,840
Speaker 1: you went on or the day you became boyfriend girlfriend?

708
00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:08,600
Speaker 3: We count the first date? So yeah, you count?

709
00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:09,120
Speaker 1: That's why?

710
00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:09,399
Speaker 3: Yeah?

711
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:12,400
Speaker 1: Correct, everybody, Okay, when do you count? I didn't know

712
00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:14,359
Speaker 1: that's why I'm asking. I haven't been in a year

713
00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:19,480
Speaker 1: long relationship since I don't know ever. I mean I

714
00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:22,280
Speaker 1: was married now I know I was, but we got married,

715
00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:23,920
Speaker 1: so then all that changes.

716
00:35:24,480 --> 00:35:25,200
Speaker 3: That's crazy.

717
00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:29,200
Speaker 1: In college, I had two boyfriends on and off for

718
00:35:29,239 --> 00:35:31,080
Speaker 1: a couple of years, but we were on and off,

719
00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:35,000
Speaker 1: like we would break up, probably because I oh doin it,

720
00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:40,080
Speaker 1: and then we would get back together. Yeah, and then okay,

721
00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:42,040
Speaker 1: we would you know what I mean. So I don't know.

722
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:46,160
Speaker 3: I think a lot of people count their first date.

723
00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:48,719
Speaker 3: I mean when they become boyfriend girlfriend, But I'm like,

724
00:35:48,920 --> 00:35:52,480
Speaker 3: uh uh, we communicated and did things and we're like

725
00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:54,839
Speaker 3: not dating other people during that time, so I want

726
00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:55,399
Speaker 3: to count it.

727
00:35:55,640 --> 00:35:58,879
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'll count. So coming up October eleventh, that will

728
00:35:58,920 --> 00:36:02,759
Speaker 1: be yere or something like that, and then that's the

729
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:03,879
Speaker 1: exact day and.

730
00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:07,040
Speaker 3: Then something like that. I haven't really I didn't look

731
00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:09,880
Speaker 3: at the calendar. It was a Friday, not like I've

732
00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:11,120
Speaker 3: been counting down the days.

733
00:36:11,160 --> 00:36:13,320
Speaker 1: So do be Saturday this year. He was wearing a

734
00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:17,879
Speaker 1: blue shirt and I wore pink dress. But something like that.

735
00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:19,120
Speaker 3: But like, I barely remember it.

736
00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:25,120
Speaker 1: I don't even remember what I ordered corn bread, well,

737
00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:27,680
Speaker 1: I mean order more than that, but no, no, no

738
00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:29,000
Speaker 1: pimine cheese.

739
00:36:29,160 --> 00:36:29,640
Speaker 3: We ordered.

740
00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:31,360
Speaker 1: It was a lot of like side plates. I remember

741
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:33,719
Speaker 1: my sister messaging me like, she's like, you have to

742
00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:36,000
Speaker 1: order this because she was looking at the corn bread

743
00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:38,719
Speaker 1: at the Tapa's menu and she was like telling me

744
00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:40,279
Speaker 1: things that she really wanted me to order.

745
00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:42,360
Speaker 3: Wait, you know how when you went to Red Pony

746
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:44,799
Speaker 3: and they gave you the free stuff. So then I

747
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:46,640
Speaker 3: went to Red Pony and they gave us something free

748
00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:48,120
Speaker 3: because I was her first time there, and I was

749
00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:50,040
Speaker 3: telling my friend about it, and she was like, they

750
00:36:50,040 --> 00:36:51,880
Speaker 3: gave us that same thing for free too.

751
00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:53,960
Speaker 1: So they used to be their thing.

752
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:56,480
Speaker 3: I think it's their thing that they say that like, oh,

753
00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:59,200
Speaker 3: what's your first time in? Like the chef wanted to

754
00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:02,960
Speaker 3: do this, but like, honestly, good for them, because unless

755
00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:04,920
Speaker 3: we were all sharing that, we would have never known.

756
00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:06,440
Speaker 3: And it did make me feel really special.

757
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:09,080
Speaker 1: Oh, we felt really special. And my niece was in

758
00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:12,200
Speaker 1: town and we walked past that restaurant and she was like, wait,

759
00:37:12,239 --> 00:37:16,080
Speaker 1: is that where y'all went on vacage on vacage And

760
00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:18,040
Speaker 1: she's like, I think I listened to that whole episode,

761
00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:19,680
Speaker 1: and I was like, the whole one. Why do you

762
00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:22,239
Speaker 1: only sometimes listen to half? Yeah?

763
00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:24,520
Speaker 3: What does she mean by that? I don't know she's

764
00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:26,040
Speaker 3: gonna get bored in that one, so listen.

765
00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:29,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, hey, if you keep a twenty one, twenty two

766
00:37:29,640 --> 00:37:33,320
Speaker 1: year old's attention, that's true for more than thirty minutes.

767
00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:36,759
Speaker 1: I think we're thirty seconds. Yeah, eight seconds.

768
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:40,279
Speaker 3: I derailed you anyway, Your year anniversary's coming up.

769
00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:43,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I just was curious what y'all thought, because,

770
00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:47,960
Speaker 1: like my marriage, we got engaged after three months and

771
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,839
Speaker 1: then married three months later, so we weren't even dating

772
00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:52,480
Speaker 1: a year before we were married, and then we were

773
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:55,480
Speaker 1: married for seventeen years. So I don't know, you know

774
00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:57,359
Speaker 1: what I mean? Yeah, I don't know what. I don't

775
00:37:57,360 --> 00:37:59,080
Speaker 1: know what people count, and not that it really matters,

776
00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:00,640
Speaker 1: but it's just coming up. So we need to make

777
00:38:00,680 --> 00:38:03,719
Speaker 1: a decision what we're going to do to celebrate a year,

778
00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:07,280
Speaker 1: and then I need to notify him. Hey, FYI sorry,

779
00:38:07,360 --> 00:38:11,360
Speaker 1: According to my girlfriends, we celebrate date one. Not I

780
00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:13,360
Speaker 1: think it was like November two that he was like,

781
00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:16,279
Speaker 1: let's be exclusive, or he sent me to like check

782
00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:19,120
Speaker 1: yes or no or something, so it was like three weeks.

783
00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:21,719
Speaker 1: I mean, I think he knew after the first date.

784
00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:24,600
Speaker 1: He wanted to say that, but I told him I

785
00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:27,640
Speaker 1: was adult dating. So I was still dating other people, right,

786
00:38:27,640 --> 00:38:30,440
Speaker 1: But I didn't. I just was going to in case

787
00:38:30,520 --> 00:38:33,480
Speaker 1: it popped up. But then that's exhausting to me. I

788
00:38:33,560 --> 00:38:36,239
Speaker 1: knew I wasn't an adult dater. I was just going

789
00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:38,319
Speaker 1: to try. I just more talked on the phone to

790
00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:41,520
Speaker 1: that other guy for a little bit. Still, that was

791
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:44,400
Speaker 1: exchange voice memo. It's probably more so than talked on

792
00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:44,760
Speaker 1: the phone.

793
00:38:44,800 --> 00:38:47,640
Speaker 3: But well that's sweet. Yeah.

794
00:38:47,680 --> 00:38:49,480
Speaker 1: So I don't know if it's a universal world, but

795
00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:51,680
Speaker 1: if anybody else is in my shoes, you go go

796
00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:53,319
Speaker 1: by the first date because it's more fun.

797
00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:55,680
Speaker 3: I would be curious at what other people think, because

798
00:38:55,880 --> 00:38:57,839
Speaker 3: some people really do feel strongly about it.

799
00:38:58,239 --> 00:39:02,120
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I wonder if on that date, should we

800
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:04,560
Speaker 1: put on our same clothes and go to that same restaurant.

801
00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:07,759
Speaker 3: You're acting like this is your fifteen year, like you've

802
00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:08,839
Speaker 3: been married for fifty years.

803
00:39:09,120 --> 00:39:11,480
Speaker 1: Well what if every year on October eleventh we put

804
00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:14,160
Speaker 1: on that out go eat at that same restaurant or

805
00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:15,959
Speaker 1: that same Remember.

806
00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:17,839
Speaker 3: What we did for our year anniversary? And I have

807
00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:18,799
Speaker 3: no idea.

808
00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:23,080
Speaker 1: Well, see if we make it a tradition. Then we'll know. Yeah, oh,

809
00:39:23,120 --> 00:39:25,360
Speaker 1: I know, and it's only lame until it's not Like

810
00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:27,200
Speaker 1: the first year, it might be lame, and then later

811
00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:29,080
Speaker 1: it might be like when we're eighty and we're like

812
00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:33,160
Speaker 1: walking into the restaurant like they've been doing this every day.

813
00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:34,520
Speaker 3: That actually, okay, I know.

814
00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:36,439
Speaker 1: It's a tradition, lame until it's cute.

815
00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:39,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, tradition. Now I'm remembering, we went to the same

816
00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:43,000
Speaker 3: we went to the same place we went for our

817
00:39:43,040 --> 00:39:45,200
Speaker 3: first date. We went because we just got drinks on

818
00:39:45,239 --> 00:39:47,160
Speaker 3: our first date. We went to dinner there for our

819
00:39:47,239 --> 00:39:48,360
Speaker 3: year university anniversary.

820
00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:52,520
Speaker 1: Oh cute. Okay, Well, so maybe we could wear whatever

821
00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:54,279
Speaker 1: we want to be honest, but we could go to

822
00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:55,120
Speaker 1: that place and just.

823
00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:57,560
Speaker 3: Get Honestly, I want you to be seventy five and

824
00:39:57,600 --> 00:40:00,600
Speaker 3: wearing the same pink dress. Okay, you can't ever get

825
00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:04,120
Speaker 3: rid of that dress. Okay, I won't.

826
00:40:03,800 --> 00:40:06,160
Speaker 1: I can't guarantee to always fit, but I do have

827
00:40:06,200 --> 00:40:07,600
Speaker 1: to already wear spinks with it.

828
00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:10,640
Speaker 3: Okay, then we'll cut it up and make it into

829
00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:11,200
Speaker 3: something else.

830
00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:15,040
Speaker 1: Yeah. Ooh, I saw someone that I follow on Instagram

831
00:40:16,400 --> 00:40:20,120
Speaker 1: take their mom's wedding dress and cut it up into

832
00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:23,279
Speaker 1: a two piece and like they altered it enough to

833
00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:25,719
Speaker 1: where it looked similar, but they made it way more

834
00:40:25,840 --> 00:40:28,080
Speaker 1: of the time, so it looked very twenty twenty five,

835
00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:32,000
Speaker 1: even though it was from early nineties or something. And

836
00:40:32,480 --> 00:40:34,200
Speaker 1: they wore it to their rehearsal dinner.

837
00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:38,200
Speaker 3: It was so cute. I mean, she went a two

838
00:40:38,280 --> 00:40:38,880
Speaker 3: piece with it.

839
00:40:39,120 --> 00:40:41,320
Speaker 1: She cut it up and made it like a top

840
00:40:41,400 --> 00:40:44,160
Speaker 1: and a skirt, like a long skirt with a white top.

841
00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:45,759
Speaker 1: I mean, it didn't show her stomach or anything, but

842
00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:48,520
Speaker 1: she and then she attached a picture of her mom

843
00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:50,279
Speaker 1: wearing the wedding dress. You could see what it looked

844
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:52,239
Speaker 1: like then, and you could tell it still had a

845
00:40:52,280 --> 00:40:55,000
Speaker 1: lot of its character and that it was the exact dress.

846
00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:57,480
Speaker 1: But she just made it more her style. And it

847
00:40:57,520 --> 00:40:59,520
Speaker 1: probably didn't take much work. She took it to an alteration.

848
00:40:59,560 --> 00:41:01,120
Speaker 1: I mean she had to dream it up a little bit.

849
00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:03,760
Speaker 1: But what a way to repurpose something special.

850
00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:05,520
Speaker 3: Do you have your mom's bddy dress?

851
00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:06,480
Speaker 1: No?

852
00:41:06,480 --> 00:41:09,040
Speaker 3: No, I wanted to do that with my mom's but

853
00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:11,200
Speaker 3: then I my mom.

854
00:41:12,400 --> 00:41:15,439
Speaker 1: Oh it was her second and she only got married.

855
00:41:15,600 --> 00:41:16,680
Speaker 1: She was pregnant with my sister.

856
00:41:17,760 --> 00:41:19,880
Speaker 3: Okay, the dress, it could still be cool.

857
00:41:20,120 --> 00:41:22,680
Speaker 1: I think, is that why she wore blue? Though? She like,

858
00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:26,600
Speaker 1: h I'm not that pure something blue.

859
00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:28,280
Speaker 3: Maybe that was her something blue?

860
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:30,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know. That was the whole thing. I

861
00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:32,799
Speaker 1: remember when I put that math together and I was like,

862
00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:36,560
Speaker 1: wait a second. Christy was born in October and y'all

863
00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:37,640
Speaker 1: were married in May.

864
00:41:37,920 --> 00:41:39,880
Speaker 3: Did you say that to her? Yeah?

865
00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:40,759
Speaker 1: Was she like?

866
00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:41,600
Speaker 3: What are you talking about?

867
00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:43,600
Speaker 1: Oh? We ended up learning the whole story, like it

868
00:41:43,680 --> 00:41:46,239
Speaker 1: was not great, Like my dad was married to somebody else,

869
00:41:46,320 --> 00:41:48,760
Speaker 1: my mom was married to somebody else. Then they got

870
00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:51,239
Speaker 1: my they got pregnant, but they were going to try

871
00:41:51,280 --> 00:41:54,520
Speaker 1: to be together anyway, and then they got together. Yeah.

872
00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:57,080
Speaker 1: And then later when my dad left my mom for

873
00:41:57,120 --> 00:42:01,160
Speaker 1: somebody else, which classic story, right, what do you expect?

874
00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:05,240
Speaker 1: But no, I'm not. I'm just saying that's what society

875
00:42:05,280 --> 00:42:08,320
Speaker 1: would say. And my mom, I think, even said, oh, well,

876
00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:11,240
Speaker 1: but my mom hadn't done that to him. And then

877
00:42:11,719 --> 00:42:13,759
Speaker 1: she that's when we started going to church, and she

878
00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:16,680
Speaker 1: really strengthened her relationship with the Lord and she just

879
00:42:16,719 --> 00:42:19,759
Speaker 1: felt on her heart like she really wanted to call

880
00:42:19,800 --> 00:42:23,239
Speaker 1: her ex husband and ask for forgiveness. And so that's

881
00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:24,920
Speaker 1: how I learned about it, and that was modeled to

882
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:27,400
Speaker 1: me of like, this is part of my past and

883
00:42:27,600 --> 00:42:29,800
Speaker 1: I own it and I did this and look.

884
00:42:29,640 --> 00:42:31,360
Speaker 3: At your mom a side of the street.

885
00:42:31,600 --> 00:42:35,640
Speaker 1: Yeah. And so she called her first husband and he's

886
00:42:35,719 --> 00:42:38,960
Speaker 1: remarried and moved on. She was like, I have there's

887
00:42:39,000 --> 00:42:41,960
Speaker 1: nothing more to this phone call other than what I

888
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:45,160
Speaker 1: did to you wasn't right and I want I wanted

889
00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:49,320
Speaker 1: to ask for forgiveness. And so that was really.

890
00:42:49,239 --> 00:42:52,920
Speaker 3: Good for her, cool, good example for you to see.

891
00:42:53,080 --> 00:42:55,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, and now my mom and dad are not here

892
00:42:55,200 --> 00:42:56,480
Speaker 1: to defend themselves.

893
00:42:57,560 --> 00:42:59,920
Speaker 3: They don't need to, yeah, because we're not saying anything that.

894
00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:04,200
Speaker 1: About We're not if anything. It's like for me, it's

895
00:43:04,200 --> 00:43:06,800
Speaker 1: just like, oh, you know their their lives are just

896
00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:09,120
Speaker 1: as messy as a lot of our lives. And as

897
00:43:09,200 --> 00:43:11,719
Speaker 1: kids growing up, you can't really imagine that. And then

898
00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:13,319
Speaker 1: when you grow up and you learn the details of

899
00:43:13,320 --> 00:43:14,320
Speaker 1: how it all happen, you're.

900
00:43:14,160 --> 00:43:16,319
Speaker 3: Like, wait, what you weren't perfect? What?

901
00:43:16,800 --> 00:43:20,279
Speaker 1: And I'm rewatching Scandal right now and I'm like, do

902
00:43:20,360 --> 00:43:22,440
Speaker 1: you watch that at all? I've never seen Okay, well

903
00:43:22,440 --> 00:43:24,120
Speaker 1: this is going to be lost. I did finish the

904
00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:27,960
Speaker 1: Better Sister and one out of five stars. What I

905
00:43:28,080 --> 00:43:28,960
Speaker 1: really liked that.

906
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:31,719
Speaker 3: I did not like it, okay, and I don't really

907
00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:33,880
Speaker 3: understand it was too much.

908
00:43:34,239 --> 00:43:36,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was a lot. And Scandal is starting to

909
00:43:36,600 --> 00:43:39,719
Speaker 1: be a lot like watching it Olivia Hope.

910
00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:43,520
Speaker 3: Yes, Okay, she's like the secretary of State or something. No, no, no,

911
00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:46,200
Speaker 3: she's she's having she's having an affair with with the president.

912
00:43:46,320 --> 00:43:49,160
Speaker 3: She's a pr person, she's a fixer, and she's having

913
00:43:49,200 --> 00:43:49,640
Speaker 3: the affair.

914
00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:53,680
Speaker 1: Yeah okay, I mean, but it's way messier than that.

915
00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:57,360
Speaker 1: But it's almost like she is doing all these things.

916
00:43:57,360 --> 00:44:00,760
Speaker 3: Were recapping to show from like, but it's.

917
00:44:00,640 --> 00:44:03,480
Speaker 1: Back on Netflix, so a lot of people are rewatching it.

918
00:44:04,200 --> 00:44:06,359
Speaker 1: My point in bringing her up in all this, though,

919
00:44:06,520 --> 00:44:09,960
Speaker 1: is like she's really likable. Now we're getting into a

920
00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:13,480
Speaker 1: season where I'm like not finding her as likable, but

921
00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:15,560
Speaker 1: she's doing all this stuff and you're sort of rooting

922
00:44:15,600 --> 00:44:17,560
Speaker 1: for their relationship and you're like, wait a second, I

923
00:44:17,600 --> 00:44:19,279
Speaker 1: don't feel like I should be rooting for this, but

924
00:44:19,320 --> 00:44:22,960
Speaker 1: then you know how awful his marriages and his situation,

925
00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:24,839
Speaker 1: so then you're sort of rooting. It's like this love

926
00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:27,320
Speaker 1: story is like I don't know, Seanrames, It's like this

927
00:44:27,480 --> 00:44:30,040
Speaker 1: really confusing thing where you're like, wait, I don't feel

928
00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:32,320
Speaker 1: like I'm supposed to be rooting for this, but I am.

929
00:44:32,760 --> 00:44:34,560
Speaker 3: Yeah. I mean I kind of like those kinds of

930
00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:36,359
Speaker 3: shows because it shows you that things aren't as black

931
00:44:36,360 --> 00:44:38,280
Speaker 3: and white as yeah.

932
00:44:38,920 --> 00:44:40,760
Speaker 1: Well, and I think that also some of the stuff

933
00:44:40,800 --> 00:44:42,919
Speaker 1: with my mom and dad taught me that of like, oh,

934
00:44:42,960 --> 00:44:45,120
Speaker 1: it's not as I don't under I'm never going to

935
00:44:45,239 --> 00:44:48,239
Speaker 1: understand someone's full picture, and it's easy to sit on

936
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:52,319
Speaker 1: the sidelines and like judge something. Yeah, without So what

937
00:44:52,320 --> 00:44:56,200
Speaker 1: I'm hearing you say is you just want to give

938
00:44:56,320 --> 00:44:57,360
Speaker 1: my dog water.

939
00:44:57,960 --> 00:44:59,600
Speaker 3: And that's how we'll wrap it up. Yeah.

940
00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:01,799
Speaker 1: And what we are saying, and we hope you hear

941
00:45:01,920 --> 00:45:05,480
Speaker 1: us clearly, is we hope you have the day you.

942
00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:07,480
Speaker 3: Need to have. Yeah. I was gonna say, that's not

943
00:45:07,520 --> 00:45:10,920
Speaker 3: how we do it. I hope you have. I couldn't

944
00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:11,279
Speaker 3: think of the.

945
00:45:11,280 --> 00:45:15,799
Speaker 1: Words after saying I said it wrong. What I'm hearing

946
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:17,279
Speaker 1: you say is did I mess it up? No?

947
00:45:17,160 --> 00:45:20,200
Speaker 3: No, no, let me restart. I got confused because I

948
00:45:20,239 --> 00:45:22,560
Speaker 3: forgot what I was supposed to say. It was about me.

949
00:45:23,600 --> 00:45:24,319
Speaker 3: Let's try it again.

950
00:45:24,480 --> 00:45:30,680
Speaker 1: Good on your side of the street, DM, I know

951
00:45:30,719 --> 00:45:33,840
Speaker 1: it's just practicing ARC. I'm like also reminding people of

952
00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:39,080
Speaker 1: our acronyms DM, defensive much question DM. We need the

953
00:45:39,120 --> 00:45:41,000
Speaker 1: tone to be right because like sib.

954
00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:44,120
Speaker 3: DM DM, but you're doing it kind of.

955
00:45:44,640 --> 00:45:47,080
Speaker 1: Because it's like if you were to say defensive.

956
00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:50,520
Speaker 3: Much no, but you want it to be kind DM.

957
00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:56,280
Speaker 1: But playful. Oh DM carpai DM. Okay, gotta go getting

958
00:45:56,280 --> 00:45:57,440
Speaker 1: delirious by