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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. A quick disclaimer before we get

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Speaker 1: into it. This episode includes topics around body image, eating disorders,

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Speaker 1: and body dysmorphia. Please consider whether you're in the right

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Speaker 1: mental headspace to listen to this today. Feel free to

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Speaker 1: listen to something else and return when the time is right.

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Speaker 1: There are resources in the episode description if you need

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Speaker 1: help or further information. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show,

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Speaker 1: or welcome back to the podcast listeners, old listeners, wherever

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Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is great to have

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Speaker 1: you here back for another episode. Well, I feel like

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Speaker 1: the episode title kind of says it all. We're being

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Speaker 1: vulnerable today, guys, and I'm kind of super nervous recording this,

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Speaker 1: But you know what, this show has always been about

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Speaker 1: being honest with the experiences, the thoughts, and the feelings

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Speaker 1: of our twenties, and right now, I've been feeling really ugly.

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Speaker 1: I've been feeling unattractive, and it's been really messing with

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Speaker 1: my headspace and my self perception. So I want to

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Speaker 1: talk about it today because I know it's hard to

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Speaker 1: talk about these things, but I'm guessing there's someone out

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Speaker 1: there who is going to relate and feel less alone,

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Speaker 1: and that's really what matters to me. I guess, just

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Speaker 1: like some background, I don't think that I've ever felt

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Speaker 1: particularly beautiful during my life, Like even since I was

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Speaker 1: a kid, I was such a tomboy growing up, and

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Speaker 1: I always had self cut bangs and was a little

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Speaker 1: bit dirty from playing outside. And I guess as I

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Speaker 1: grew up and external image and beauty standards really begun

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Speaker 1: to matter, I just never felt that attractive. And my

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Speaker 1: body has never really looked like what I think I've

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Speaker 1: been taught to see as beautiful. My shoulders have always

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Speaker 1: been broad, I've always had big thighs, and there are

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Speaker 1: all these other little things that only we tend to notice.

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Speaker 1: And in my teenage years, I think that deficiency or

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Speaker 1: those imperfections mattered so much to me. But as I've

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Speaker 1: grown up, I've adopted what I would call a more

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Speaker 1: mature mindset. I grew into my body but also my

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Speaker 1: identity and my personality, and I used confidence as this

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Speaker 1: kind of armor, even when it felt fake. You know,

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Speaker 1: I firmly believe in the mentality that you need to

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Speaker 1: kind of fake it till you make it, and confidence

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Speaker 1: is one of those things that you can definitely fake.

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Speaker 1: But recently those thoughts have really had a resurgence for me,

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Speaker 1: and I've just found myself consumed with and kind of

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Speaker 1: constantly thinking about beauty and whether I'm attractive and what

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Speaker 1: people think of me and everything that is wrong with

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Speaker 1: how I look. And I want to share that experience

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Speaker 1: because it's so nuanced. You know. For the first time

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Speaker 1: in my life, I've been googling plastic surgery and things

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Speaker 1: I'd never thought i'd do, like a fucking chin reduction surgery.

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Speaker 1: I didn't even know that existed until a few weeks ago.

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Speaker 1: And I know that I would never do it. It's

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Speaker 1: not something I want to do. But there is this

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Speaker 1: like weirdly evil part of my brain that keeps questioning

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Speaker 1: and picking at how I look and wondering whether anyone

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Speaker 1: will ever love me if I look the way I do.

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Speaker 1: And that's just the saddest thought. It makes me so sad.

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Speaker 1: But at the same time, I keep returning to this

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Speaker 1: idea that what I look like is the only thing

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Speaker 1: that people will find appealing about me and I need

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Speaker 1: to fix something about my appearance to feel at peace

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Speaker 1: and to find someone. And that thought also makes me

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Speaker 1: feel so guilty. I think, in this world where we're

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Speaker 1: experiencing increasingly, you know, body positive and accepting and diverse

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Speaker 1: beauty standards, I feel guilty, like why do I care

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Speaker 1: about this? I know I'm so much more than my looks.

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Speaker 1: I have so many positive qualities that matter so much more.

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Speaker 1: That's part of me, and I always try and adopt

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Speaker 1: this narrative on this podcast that our inner thoughts and

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Speaker 1: ourself are what is most valuable. So there's this element

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Speaker 1: of feeling hypocritical and frustrated and angry and that's hard

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Speaker 1: to admit and really vulnerable. But I want to be

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Speaker 1: honest and transparent. You know, life isn't perfect, and I

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Speaker 1: guess neither am I, And it's complicated and it's making

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Speaker 1: me feel so conflicted. So to day, we're going to

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Speaker 1: talk about it. We're going to discuss and explore feeling

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Speaker 1: ugly and the beauty standards that are imposed on us.

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Speaker 1: What is the psychology behind obsessing over our attractiveness and

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Speaker 1: our appearance and feeling like you don't meet some standard

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Speaker 1: or some convention. How does that impact our emotional wellbeing?

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Speaker 1: And what are the psychological origins from things like low

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Speaker 1: self esteem and body dysmorphia, social comparison, negative learning experiences,

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Speaker 1: and all of these societal influences. But I also want

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Speaker 1: to use this time to counter some of the negative

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Speaker 1: beliefs I've been having about myself and maybe some that

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Speaker 1: you're having as well. I think together we're really going

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Speaker 1: to dive into some of the scientific and psychological ways

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Speaker 1: we can overcome these feelings by challenging negative thoughts, by

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Speaker 1: shifting our focus, practicing self compassion, and limiting our exposure

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Speaker 1: to unrealistic beauty standards, to kind of arm ourselves with

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Speaker 1: the best possible mental tools to feel good about our bodies,

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Speaker 1: to feel good about our looks. You know, today's going

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Speaker 1: to be a vulnerable episode. I feel like the title

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Speaker 1: gives it away, but I hope we're all prepared. I

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Speaker 1: hope that it really reaches someone out there who might

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Speaker 1: need to hear it, and that people are kind, and

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Speaker 1: that you're in the right place to listen to it.

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Speaker 1: So without further ado, I think we get into it.

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Speaker 1: Feeling ugly is such a consuming experience, and it creates

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Speaker 1: such a narrow view of the world. Everything becomes about appearances,

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Speaker 1: and we tend to become kind of hyper focused on

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Speaker 1: what we think other people notice about us and how

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Speaker 1: that will reflect our character and their acceptance of us

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Speaker 1: as well. You know, you carry yourself differently. Every outfit

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Speaker 1: seems to exacerbate some flaw. You stop going out and

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Speaker 1: spending time doing things that you love. You kind of

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Speaker 1: do a double take of everyone you see on the

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Speaker 1: street and look at them through a new lens, like,

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Speaker 1: why don't I dress like that? I wish I looked

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Speaker 1: like them? And it's this weird social comparison that never

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Speaker 1: seems to switch off, and it's exhausting. It's so exhausting.

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Speaker 1: That's been my experience recently. And it's actually has a name.

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Speaker 1: I didn't know this until I started looking into it,

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Speaker 1: but it's called the spotlight effect. It's this mental phenomena

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Speaker 1: whereby we overestimate how much other people notice us and

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Speaker 1: think about us. We can sometimes feel like there's constantly

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Speaker 1: this spotlight on us and all of our imperfections, and

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Speaker 1: they're so noticeable, and everyone notices the things that we notice,

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Speaker 1: and the things that we hate about ourselves. And this

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Speaker 1: is also very much linked to something called the false

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Speaker 1: consensus effect in psychology, which is our tendency to feel

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Speaker 1: like our personal beliefs are also held by others. So

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Speaker 1: if we feel unattractive and we appraise ourselves as being ugly,

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Speaker 1: other people must believe that as well. I think feeling

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Speaker 1: ugly is interesting when we examine it this way, because

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Speaker 1: we realize that this feeling would kind of be entirely

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Speaker 1: eliminated if we never had to encounter the presence of others,

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Speaker 1: or if we as humans were built not to care

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Speaker 1: about what other people thought of us and about their evaluations.

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Speaker 1: But that's kind of not the way that the world works.

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Speaker 1: We've evolved from generations and generations to feel like that

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Speaker 1: spotlight matters, that what we do and what we look

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Speaker 1: like is the most important thing about us, because at

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Speaker 1: a time it kind of was was a factor that

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Speaker 1: was correlated to survival, especially if you were a woman.

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Speaker 1: Evolutionary psychology and this kind of discipline, it kind of

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Speaker 1: theorizes and proposes that men and women have different adaptive

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Speaker 1: strategies and perspectives on beauty because of this practice of

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Speaker 1: mate selection. Right, So, some studies have suggested that women

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Speaker 1: may be more attentive to their physical attractiveness and how

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Speaker 1: that will attract a mate because what they look like,

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Speaker 1: things like if their skin is clear and their hair

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Speaker 1: is shiny and they have that body type, it signals

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Speaker 1: fertility and genetic fitness. And it used to be purely

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Speaker 1: about survival. You know, if you were beautiful, I guess,

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Speaker 1: or attractive, it showed that you were a good potential mate.

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Speaker 1: Therefore you'd be selected. Therefore you would be protected and

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Speaker 1: more likely to survive. But as those assumptions and innate

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Speaker 1: assessments developed, and as we have a species have matured

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Speaker 1: and become more civilized, those kind of beauty standards that

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Speaker 1: we typically associate with body image issues and feeling unattractive

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Speaker 1: have kind of emerged. And as women in particular, but

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Speaker 1: also men, I think we're told that if we don't

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Speaker 1: conform to certain standards of attractiveness, a man is never

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Speaker 1: going to choose us. And back when our quality of

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Speaker 1: life was tied to marriage, that really mattered a lot.

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Speaker 1: There's all this gender socialization that occurs from a young

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Speaker 1: age in which we receive a lot of messages about

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Speaker 1: our appearance and our attractiveness, especially if you're a woman

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Speaker 1: compared to men, and that socialization process really reinforces the

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Speaker 1: idea that my value as a woman lies in my

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Speaker 1: physical appearance, and I think that's main contributor to why

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Speaker 1: I've been feeling this way recently. I've kind of woken

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Speaker 1: up to this really sad reality and this evolutionary reality

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Speaker 1: about what my value is to society, and I think

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Speaker 1: a lot of that has contributed to how I've been feeling,

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Speaker 1: Amongst some other psychological factors that I'm going to discuss

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Speaker 1: in just a second. I think it's hard for me

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Speaker 1: to also ignore the correlation between feeling like I'm ugly

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Speaker 1: and dating again. You know, I've spent the past like

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Speaker 1: better half of the year really focused on myself, and

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Speaker 1: now it's like I'm back to seeking male approval, and

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Speaker 1: this has triggered all of these societally ingrained beliefs about

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Speaker 1: my inherent attractiveness and my worth that I've kind of

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Speaker 1: had since a child. It takes a lot of effort

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Speaker 1: and energy to not care about what we look like,

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Speaker 1: especially in a society that puts it front and center.

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Speaker 1: So I think that's one factor putting myself back into

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Speaker 1: an environment in which first impressions and looks feel like

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Speaker 1: they matter, but also, weirdly, if you follow me on Instagram,

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Speaker 1: you'll see that I've started to film some of my episodes,

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Speaker 1: which you know, I've never done before. This podcast has

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Speaker 1: always been such a solitary in my bedroom or my

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Speaker 1: home kind of exercise, and I think that having to

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Speaker 1: look at myself on video and acknowledge that other people

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Speaker 1: are going to watch that and perhaps judge me, has

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Speaker 1: been really anxiety inducing and brought a whole new element

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Speaker 1: to what used to be instill is for me a

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Speaker 1: very personal process, where my looks have never mattered, only

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Speaker 1: the content of my brain and what I choose to

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Speaker 1: share verbally. I think it's important to note here that

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Speaker 1: from a psychological perspective, feeling ugly is a subjective experience.

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Speaker 1: You know, when we talk about ugly, that means a

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Speaker 1: different thing for each different person. It's all very much

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Speaker 1: self evolved but also societally ingrained, and what we choose

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Speaker 1: to pick at ourselves about and what we choose to

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Speaker 1: hate is very much tied to self perception, and it's

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Speaker 1: highly subjective. But there's also all of these strong signals

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Speaker 1: from our cultural background and our societal context and society

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Speaker 1: about what we should look like, about what's beautiful and

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Speaker 1: what standards and features make us worthwhile. And you know

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Speaker 1: the hardest part about that is that it changes from

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Speaker 1: generation to generation, even from like year to year, and

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Speaker 1: we can kind of never keep up. And I hate

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Speaker 1: that so much in a way that I can't even

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Speaker 1: begin to kind of form the words to explain because

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Speaker 1: it's just so insidious. And I find myself in like

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Speaker 1: this spiral, and then all I can think about is

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Speaker 1: like my younger sisters and how they'll have to face

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Speaker 1: this as well, if they're not all already. And I

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Speaker 1: also just feel so much self pity and anger that

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Speaker 1: some of my best years and the best moments of

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Speaker 1: my twenties have been consumed about anxiety about what I

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Speaker 1: look like. It's like, it's a fucking epidemic. And I

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Speaker 1: think a huge contributor is social comparison that is brought

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Speaker 1: on by more frequent exposure to negative and unrealistic media.

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Speaker 1: I think constant exposure to carefully curated images of beauty

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Speaker 1: can lead to comparison, and if you feel like you

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Speaker 1: don't measure up to these idealized standards, it negatively impacts

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Speaker 1: your self esteem. This I think is particularly the case

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Speaker 1: when we engage in upward social comparison, and this occurs

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Speaker 1: whereby we select individuals we see as superior in some

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Speaker 1: domain such as attractiveness, and we compare ourselves. And that's

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Speaker 1: not hard to do when we have millions of incredibly

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Speaker 1: beautiful people that we can look at from our phones.

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Speaker 1: You know, we can go on social media and instantly

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Speaker 1: almost trigger the part of our brain that is going

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Speaker 1: to make us feel bad about our appearance. It's so prolific,

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Speaker 1: it's so easily acceptable, and we don't even realize it.

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Speaker 1: And this is what leads to negative self evaluations, lower

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Speaker 1: self esteem, and feeling kind of ugly when the comparison

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Speaker 1: that we're undertaking reveals some kind of deficit in our appearance,

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Speaker 1: that is what triggers this feeling of ugliness or this

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Speaker 1: feeling of dissatisfaction in our physical appearance. And this also

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Speaker 1: kind of links very heavily to self objectification theory. And

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Speaker 1: this was first presented back in like the nineties, but

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Speaker 1: I've seen such a huge rise in this theory and

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Speaker 1: the popularity of this theory with the normalization and proliferation

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Speaker 1: of social media. So essentially this theory self objectification theory

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Speaker 1: suggests that when we are repeatedly exposed to certain beauty

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Speaker 1: standards through readily accessible stimuli and content such as social media,

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Speaker 1: we come to internalize these standards and view ourselves as

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Speaker 1: objects to be evaluated based on appearance, as we have

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Speaker 1: implicitly been doing to those we see online. So essentially,

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Speaker 1: it's the internalization of the belief that we are being

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Speaker 1: judged based on our bodies and our appearances because that's

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Speaker 1: what we're doing to other people. And this is exacerbated

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Speaker 1: by the online environment created by social media, whereby platforms

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Speaker 1: like Instagram place a strong emphasis on appearance through features

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Speaker 1: like likes and comments, which give us a dopamine hit.

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Speaker 1: It gives us instant gratification to feel like we're receiving

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Speaker 1: that gratification and validation about our bodies and our appearance

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Speaker 1: from people online, and we feel like because we are

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Speaker 1: somewhat evaluating and monitoring and liking and congratulating others on

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Speaker 1: their appearance through these means that others must be doing

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Speaker 1: that for us. Hence, this spotlight effect comes back into

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Speaker 1: play here. This self objectification is what can cause us

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Speaker 1: to be more susceptible to social comparison and to negative

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Speaker 1: self perceptions regarding appearance. And you know, we haven't even

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Speaker 1: spoken yet about the rise in things like face tune

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Speaker 1: and editing. And let me tell you that everyone is

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Speaker 1: doing it, everyone, because in a world where we feel

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Speaker 1: like our lives have to be perfectly curated and we

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Speaker 1: need to look a certain way, it's kind of hard

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Speaker 1: to not fall into the trap of smoothing out and

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Speaker 1: imperfection and editing our faces and our bodies because that's

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Speaker 1: what we've been told matters. That's been my experience, and

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Speaker 1: I see a massive correlation between my use of social

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Speaker 1: media and these feelings of ugliness that I've been experiencing.

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Speaker 1: And I think if you're already going through a period

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Speaker 1: of low self esteem, all of these influences can become

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Speaker 1: so cumulative. You know, our self esteem it refers to

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Speaker 1: this overall subjective evaluation and perception of our worth, of

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Speaker 1: our value, of our competence, and it encompasses how we

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Speaker 1: see ourselves, our beliefs about our abilities, our attractiveness, even

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Speaker 1: and the extent to which we accept and respect ourselves

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Speaker 1: and see our position in the world. As valuable and

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Speaker 1: the origins of our self esteem can be traced back

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Speaker 1: to various factors that shape our sense of self worth

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Speaker 1: from very early on in our lives. You know, our

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Speaker 1: primary influence is early experiences and interactions, particularly in childhood.

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Speaker 1: The way we were treated and loved and nurtured, not

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Speaker 1: just by our caregivers, but also by people like our

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Speaker 1: teachers or our peers, is going to significantly impact the

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Speaker 1: self esteem we have as adults. If you received positive

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Speaker 1: and affirming experiences, if you were treated well, if you

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Speaker 1: weren't bullied, I guess that's going to foster a healthy

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Speaker 1: sense of self worth, especially when your value is reinforced

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Speaker 1: by your parents. But conversely, negative experiences such as criticism

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Speaker 1: such as bullying, comments about looks, rejection, even neglect that

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Speaker 1: can undermine our self esteem and lead to these feelings

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Speaker 1: of inadequacy being a much larger part of our lives

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Speaker 1: the older we get. I think, over time, our self

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Speaker 1: esteem becomes ingrained. It's no longer what other people think

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Speaker 1: or what other people say. We become our kind of

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Speaker 1: own worst enemy and our own evil voice in our head,

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Speaker 1: telling ourselves that we don't matter, that we're unattractive, and

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Speaker 1: when we have low self esteem, that's where a lot

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Speaker 1: of these negative beliefs about our appearance can come from.

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Speaker 1: Because we focus on our flaws, we focus on our shortcomings,

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Speaker 1: and what that results in is self criticism, self doubt,

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Speaker 1: and feeling ugly, feeling unattractive. I think this is interesting

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Speaker 1: to me because I've always felt like I've had a

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Speaker 1: fairly positive self esteem until recently, so I'm still trying

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Speaker 1: to figure out what's changed. And I guess another explanation

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Speaker 1: that we just have to discuss here that we can't

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Speaker 1: ignore are certain psychological disorders that are linked to increased

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Speaker 1: feelings oftractiveness, or an obsession with our appearance. And I

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Speaker 1: think the one that is most valuable and appropriate to

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Speaker 1: discuss here is body dysmorphic disorder. Body dysmorphia is another

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Speaker 1: name for it, and essentially it is a psychological disorder.

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Speaker 1: It's characterized by an obsessive preoccupation with our perceived flaws,

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Speaker 1: and it often leads to distress and impairment in our

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Speaker 1: daily functioning because we are so caught up in these

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Speaker 1: small things that we see as imperfect, so we avoid

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Speaker 1: certain activities, we enter into a negative thought spiral. We

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Speaker 1: feel anxious, and people with body dysmorphic disorder, they often

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Speaker 1: have a distorted perception of their appearance, meaning not objective.

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Speaker 1: We focus successively on minor or imagined defects, and I

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Speaker 1: think it impacts everyone. I think any mental disorder or

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Speaker 1: condition like this is not just reserved for a certain

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Speaker 1: group of people. You know, you could be the most

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Speaker 1: beautiful person in the world and still have body dysmorphia

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Speaker 1: because it is entirely subjective and based on your own

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Speaker 1: self appraisal. And there are so many key features of

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Speaker 1: this disorder that explain why sometimes we just feel gross

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Speaker 1: and ugly without any explanation or justification. Some say that

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Speaker 1: this condition is genetic, that it comes from social influences,

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Speaker 1: that it comes from parents, comes from caregivers, it comes

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Speaker 1: from even OCD, it's superchromorbid. But I think it is

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Speaker 1: a really complex psychological condition that really explains why sometimes

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Speaker 1: nothing can appear wrong from the outside. Everything can look

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Speaker 1: perfect right, you can be so conventionally attractive, but there

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Speaker 1: is just this obsession with how we look, and it

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Speaker 1: shows up in things like you know, needing constant reassurance,

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Speaker 1: never feeling good enough, always believing that people find us unattractive,

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Speaker 1: always being able to identify some flaw, checking mirrors all

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Speaker 1: the time, trying to conceal ourselves and hide away. And

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Speaker 1: I just think that it's something that needs to be

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Speaker 1: considered in this broader experience of feeling constantly unattractive and

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Speaker 1: feeling like your appearance and your perception of your appearance

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Speaker 1: is holding you back in your life. And importantly, you know,

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Speaker 1: I think this information it's not really a guide for

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Speaker 1: self diagnosis. It's just a possible explanation. And if you

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Speaker 1: can relate to this explanation, it's really important to seek

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Speaker 1: a professional diagnosis because it can get you into the

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Speaker 1: treatment and the therapy that you may need. And this

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Speaker 1: is just such a nuanced space, and there are a

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Speaker 1: million contributing factors and reasons that we tend to feel

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Speaker 1: this way. But regardless of these psychological explanations, like, let's

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Speaker 1: be real, it just it really sucks to feel this way.

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Speaker 1: It kind of casts a shadow over our whole lives

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Speaker 1: and can become such an obsession. It just weighs everything down.

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Speaker 1: It just makes everything feel distorted, and like if you

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Speaker 1: feel ugly, the world feels ugly, and that's really no

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Speaker 1: way to live our lives kind of stripped of enjoyment

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Speaker 1: and obsessed with whether our chin looks too big in

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Speaker 1: that photo, or whether our lives would be better if

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Speaker 1: we lost weight. You know, I know that on an

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Speaker 1: intimate level, and amongst all of my feelings of frustration

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Speaker 1: and anxiety and just general apathy for life at the moment,

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Speaker 1: I also just want to have agency over how I feel.

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Speaker 1: I don't like feeling trapped by my thoughts, so I

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Speaker 1: kind of want to move on, and I really want

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Speaker 1: to be free of some of these worries and these

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Speaker 1: anxieties and these thoughts. So how do we kind of

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Speaker 1: counter and overcome feeling ugly? I think I'm providing these

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Speaker 1: strategies very much for you, but also for myself to

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Speaker 1: kind of remind me that there is freedom from these

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Speaker 1: thoughts and there is freedom from these feelings. And hopefully

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Speaker 1: we can kind of share and talk through some of

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Speaker 1: the strategies that I've been adopting recently to take time

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Speaker 1: for self reflection and reinforce my inherent belief that looks

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Speaker 1: do not determine my worth. It can be really hard

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Speaker 1: to believe sometimes, especially when other parts of our minds

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00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:56,600
Speaker 1: are kind of self sabotaging us, but it's not impossible.

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Speaker 1: So if you're kind of on a self love journey

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Speaker 1: like I obviously I am, at the moment, we're going

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00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:06,280
Speaker 1: to talk tangible strategies for shutting down the nasty parts

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00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:10,080
Speaker 1: of our brain that try to tell us our appearance

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Speaker 1: is all that matters. Here's the thing I keep repeating

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Speaker 1: to myself as kind of a self soothing reminder. Appearance

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Speaker 1: doesn't matter as much as society often makes it seem.

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Speaker 1: And no one is looking at you as closely as

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00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:35,399
Speaker 1: you are looking and examining yourself. Ask yourself this question.

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Speaker 1: How often do you look at someone and pick apart

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Speaker 1: their every floor? How often do you think about how

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Speaker 1: someone is an attractive or how they don't look good?

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Speaker 1: And how often do you think about that for like

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Speaker 1: hours of the day, Like I would say, we never

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Speaker 1: do that. I never do that at least, So why

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Speaker 1: do we think that people are doing the same for us?

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Speaker 1: Why do we think that people are spending so much

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00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:04,840
Speaker 1: time in their day worrying or appraising us as unattractive?

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00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:07,959
Speaker 1: And if that even is the case, if there are

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00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:11,919
Speaker 1: people out there whose entire purpose in life is just

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00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,720
Speaker 1: to think about how we don't look good enough for them.

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00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:18,160
Speaker 1: Does their opinion even really matter? Do we really want

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00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:22,200
Speaker 1: to be around those people? You know, those people aren't

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00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,320
Speaker 1: doing that. There are very few people in the world

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00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,400
Speaker 1: who are choosing to make that decision in their life

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00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,520
Speaker 1: to feel that way about others. And I think it's

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00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:36,520
Speaker 1: a common but important reminder that your true beauty really

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00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:40,520
Speaker 1: lies beyond physical appearance, and it's rooted in the qualities

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00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:45,600
Speaker 1: that make you unique. Your worth and value as a

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00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:49,920
Speaker 1: human being should not be determined solely by how you look.

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00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,000
Speaker 1: It is literally the least important thing about you. Your

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00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:55,600
Speaker 1: body is a vessel, That's what I keep saying. My

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00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:59,840
Speaker 1: body is just a vessel for my character, for my kindness,

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00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:03,720
Speaker 1: my empathy, for my actions, and those are what truly

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00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:07,679
Speaker 1: defined me. My inner qualities, my passions, my talents, the

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00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:11,560
Speaker 1: way that I treat others. I always think of this

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00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:14,880
Speaker 1: quote from what's that children's book. I think it's called

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00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:18,919
Speaker 1: The Twits or I don't know what it's called. It's

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00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:21,879
Speaker 1: like a roll Dar book or something. And there's this

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00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:25,080
Speaker 1: quote though that really stands out that a person who

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00:28:25,119 --> 00:28:28,639
Speaker 1: has good thoughts can never be ugly, because if you

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00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:32,320
Speaker 1: have good thoughts, they will always kind of shine out

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00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:34,800
Speaker 1: of your face like sun beams, and you will always

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00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:38,920
Speaker 1: look lovely. And I firmly believe this. I know that's

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00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:43,320
Speaker 1: probably not much of like a psychological evidence base for this,

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00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:47,440
Speaker 1: but I really do believe that when you have a

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00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:50,440
Speaker 1: positive outlook and you treat others well and you think

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00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:54,160
Speaker 1: good things, that really shows up in how you behave,

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00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:56,400
Speaker 1: and it shows up in how you carry yourself, and

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00:28:56,440 --> 00:29:00,600
Speaker 1: it immediately makes you more attractive. But I guess what

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00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:03,560
Speaker 1: are some of the ways we can reinforce this from

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00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:07,920
Speaker 1: a psychological perspective. It really doesn't matter what you look like.

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00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:11,560
Speaker 1: If you feel unattractive, that's really all that matters. That's

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00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:14,040
Speaker 1: really what's going to impact your life and kind of

433
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:16,560
Speaker 1: ruin your day. So we need to find a way

434
00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:19,880
Speaker 1: to overcome that. I think firstly, one of the biggest

435
00:29:19,880 --> 00:29:24,240
Speaker 1: things is to challenge those negative thoughts. Become aware of

436
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:29,880
Speaker 1: those negative appraisals about your appearance and challenge them with

437
00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:35,080
Speaker 1: more realistic and positive beliefs. When you find those kind

438
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:39,360
Speaker 1: of feelings creeping in, like I wish I was thinner,

439
00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:42,960
Speaker 1: my pores are so huge, I hate how I look,

440
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:49,280
Speaker 1: remind yourself instead and replace those beliefs with your positive qualities,

441
00:29:49,760 --> 00:29:53,040
Speaker 1: with your achievements and the things you like about yourself

442
00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:57,640
Speaker 1: beyond physical appearance. For everything that you can say you

443
00:29:57,720 --> 00:30:00,160
Speaker 1: hate about the way you look, for everything that you

444
00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:05,000
Speaker 1: find wrong, for every floor list something positive about your character,

445
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:08,960
Speaker 1: I think shift your attention away from appearance and place

446
00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:12,760
Speaker 1: more value on your inequalities. And part of that is

447
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:18,160
Speaker 1: also developing skills and pursuing passions and engaging in activities

448
00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:21,240
Speaker 1: that cultivate a sense of self worth that is based

449
00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:26,760
Speaker 1: on your character and accomplishments rather than something that's super

450
00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:31,520
Speaker 1: fleeting and unimportant like appearance. I think you also need

451
00:30:31,560 --> 00:30:35,160
Speaker 1: to question the evidence for these thoughts. That's something that

452
00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:38,720
Speaker 1: I've been really trying to do. Like this idea that

453
00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:41,719
Speaker 1: I'm ugly, This like a compulsion that I have at

454
00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:44,680
Speaker 1: the moment. Are you know, is that really based on

455
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:48,960
Speaker 1: objective facts or is it a subjective perception? I think

456
00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:54,200
Speaker 1: often our negative thoughts about appearance are distorted and they're

457
00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:58,880
Speaker 1: not supported by objective reality. Like has anyone ever said

458
00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:01,880
Speaker 1: those things to you? Has anyone ever really picked up

459
00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:05,040
Speaker 1: on those small features and factors about yourself that you

460
00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:08,920
Speaker 1: don't like? How often have they actually said something, and

461
00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:12,000
Speaker 1: if they have said something, do you really care about

462
00:31:12,040 --> 00:31:15,800
Speaker 1: their opinion? Have you ever looked at your friend and

463
00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:18,800
Speaker 1: loved them less because of some feature they don't like

464
00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:23,520
Speaker 1: about themselves? Have you ever discredited someone's opinion because of

465
00:31:23,560 --> 00:31:26,760
Speaker 1: their appearance? And why is that? Was there a valid

466
00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:29,880
Speaker 1: reason behind you doing that? I think we need to

467
00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:35,120
Speaker 1: challenge the validity of these thoughts and consider some alternative

468
00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:39,240
Speaker 1: rational perspectives. You know that's easier said than done. You

469
00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:41,600
Speaker 1: know I'm coming at you right now saying that even

470
00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:45,080
Speaker 1: I can't do this, like I'm giving you really hearing

471
00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:48,040
Speaker 1: advice from someone who probably needs to take their own advice.

472
00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:50,720
Speaker 1: But I think it's just something to really think about

473
00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:53,240
Speaker 1: and something that I need to put in place in

474
00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:56,040
Speaker 1: my own life as well. And that's where the second

475
00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:59,080
Speaker 1: tip comes in, which is to practice self compassion. We're

476
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:02,760
Speaker 1: not always going to be good at countering our negative

477
00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:05,360
Speaker 1: thoughts and beliefs. Sometimes they are still going to be

478
00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:08,040
Speaker 1: there and they're still going to exist no matter how

479
00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:13,200
Speaker 1: much positive thinking and attitude work we do. So treat

480
00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:17,840
Speaker 1: yourself with kindness and compassion instead of being overly critical,

481
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:23,080
Speaker 1: practice self acceptance. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend,

482
00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:27,040
Speaker 1: or even better, treat yourself as you would treat the

483
00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:30,160
Speaker 1: childhood version of you. If you wouldn't say the things

484
00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:34,400
Speaker 1: you're saying about your body or your appearance to the

485
00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:37,640
Speaker 1: child version of you, to your inner child, why are

486
00:32:37,680 --> 00:32:40,120
Speaker 1: you saying them to the adult version of you. That

487
00:32:40,280 --> 00:32:42,680
Speaker 1: child is still inside of you, that version of you

488
00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:47,000
Speaker 1: that is innocent and vulnerable and needs to be protected.

489
00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:53,040
Speaker 1: They still exist, so protect them. Treating that version of

490
00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:57,280
Speaker 1: you with kindness means treating yourself with kindness as well.

491
00:32:57,760 --> 00:33:00,440
Speaker 1: And I think a part of practicing self compacres is

492
00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:04,680
Speaker 1: also treating others with compassion and the respect that we

493
00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:08,840
Speaker 1: feel we deserve. I think when we do kind things,

494
00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:12,240
Speaker 1: when we do good by others, we express the best

495
00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:17,440
Speaker 1: parts of ourselves, and we prove to ourselves that how

496
00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:20,719
Speaker 1: we treat other people and how we make people feel

497
00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:25,360
Speaker 1: is worth so much more than how we appear physically

498
00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:30,680
Speaker 1: to others. I think of equal importance here is to

499
00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:35,440
Speaker 1: surround yourself with positive influences, and surround yourself with supportive

500
00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:38,680
Speaker 1: and positive people who appreciate you for who you are.

501
00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:44,440
Speaker 1: Avoid those toxic relationships or those toxic environments that reinforce

502
00:33:44,520 --> 00:33:49,640
Speaker 1: your negative self perceptions and environments that kind of subconsciously

503
00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:54,360
Speaker 1: or implicitly forced you to be self critical, one of

504
00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:58,880
Speaker 1: those being out online environments. I think an element of

505
00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:03,360
Speaker 1: this is limiting exposure to harmful beauty standards. Be very

506
00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:07,600
Speaker 1: mindful of the media and the content that you consume.

507
00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:12,120
Speaker 1: If someone makes you feel inadequate, you have the agency

508
00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:15,719
Speaker 1: and the power to unfollow. You get to control your

509
00:34:15,840 --> 00:34:19,719
Speaker 1: environment and your exposure to the images and the content

510
00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:25,640
Speaker 1: that is potentially triggering, and you deserve peace and a

511
00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:30,920
Speaker 1: gentler mind. And part of that is setting boundaries around

512
00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:33,640
Speaker 1: what you choose to expose yourself to. You know, it

513
00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:37,600
Speaker 1: sounds really obvious, but I think we don't always realize

514
00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:41,600
Speaker 1: how much of these kind of beauty standards and these

515
00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:46,640
Speaker 1: toxic negative beliefs creep into our minds and our self

516
00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:51,880
Speaker 1: perception from mindlessly scrolling and consuming. Someone also said this

517
00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:54,160
Speaker 1: to me the other day, this kind of fourth tip

518
00:34:54,200 --> 00:34:56,560
Speaker 1: that I have, and I was like, this is amazing.

519
00:34:56,600 --> 00:34:59,240
Speaker 1: I need to share this. And I think it's always

520
00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:02,279
Speaker 1: a good thing to engage in activities that make you

521
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:05,880
Speaker 1: feel accomplished or like a good person that have nothing

522
00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:09,200
Speaker 1: to do with looks being good at something or just

523
00:35:09,239 --> 00:35:12,560
Speaker 1: spending your time cultivating a new hobby or a skill.

524
00:35:13,120 --> 00:35:15,719
Speaker 1: It takes you away from that negative self talk and

525
00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:19,399
Speaker 1: it diverts that energy into something that builds your self

526
00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:22,839
Speaker 1: esteem in a positive direction. For me, that's you know,

527
00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:25,239
Speaker 1: doing this, that's getting to share my thoughts and my

528
00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:28,480
Speaker 1: feelings and my knowledge on this show. But it's also

529
00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:32,760
Speaker 1: things like going out into nature or swimming in the ocean, hiking,

530
00:35:32,800 --> 00:35:36,520
Speaker 1: all that good stuff. And honestly, nature is the best

531
00:35:36,719 --> 00:35:39,840
Speaker 1: equalizer because she does not care what you look like.

532
00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:43,120
Speaker 1: She doesn't care if you're conventionally attractive or not. She

533
00:35:43,239 --> 00:35:48,440
Speaker 1: treats everyone the same. And these activities also take us

534
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:51,560
Speaker 1: out of our minds and into the present and allow

535
00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:55,400
Speaker 1: us to break free of that spiraling that can often

536
00:35:55,440 --> 00:36:00,319
Speaker 1: accompany critiquing our image and our appearance. And finally, I

537
00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:05,200
Speaker 1: think it goes without saying, but seek professional support if

538
00:36:05,239 --> 00:36:10,200
Speaker 1: these negative feelings about your appearance persist and significantly impact

539
00:36:10,239 --> 00:36:14,840
Speaker 1: your daily life. Sometimes we just need someone who's separate

540
00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:19,719
Speaker 1: from the situation to help us out. And that's something

541
00:36:19,719 --> 00:36:22,240
Speaker 1: that I'm doing. Like you know, we are pro therapy

542
00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:24,920
Speaker 1: on this show. We are so pro therapy. I did

543
00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:27,760
Speaker 1: a whole episode on your Guide to Therapy in your twenties,

544
00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:31,440
Speaker 1: and I think that it's really valuable to speak to

545
00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:35,000
Speaker 1: someone who has perspective, maybe someone who is older, and

546
00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:37,759
Speaker 1: especially when it comes to things like a body dysmorphic

547
00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:40,880
Speaker 1: disorder or something along those lines, you may need a

548
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:44,880
Speaker 1: more clinical explanation and some more guidance around some of

549
00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:48,000
Speaker 1: the practical and even medical ways that you can really

550
00:36:48,719 --> 00:36:52,480
Speaker 1: assist your brain in saying goodbye to these to these

551
00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:55,960
Speaker 1: fears and these worries and these feelings. Like sometimes you

552
00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:59,800
Speaker 1: just need a space that's free from judgment to say.

553
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:01,879
Speaker 1: But what I'm saying right now like I feel ugly,

554
00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:05,200
Speaker 1: I feel unattractive, and I want to talk about it,

555
00:37:05,239 --> 00:37:08,560
Speaker 1: and I want to kind of release some of that

556
00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:12,880
Speaker 1: built up stress and energy and frustration and just sadness

557
00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:15,640
Speaker 1: that I feel like I always have to hold. So

558
00:37:16,480 --> 00:37:18,839
Speaker 1: I really want to reinforce this one last time. I'm

559
00:37:18,840 --> 00:37:23,040
Speaker 1: so sorry, but you're not alone in this. No experience

560
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:27,880
Speaker 1: is ever solitary or isolated. You know, maybe my feelings

561
00:37:27,920 --> 00:37:30,400
Speaker 1: help validate that for you. I really hope so. And

562
00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:33,680
Speaker 1: I sometimes think that if someone looked at me, I

563
00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:36,200
Speaker 1: don't think they would know that this is what's been

564
00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:40,360
Speaker 1: going on in my mind. Our thoughts are experienced in

565
00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:44,200
Speaker 1: solitude unless we choose to communicate them and be open

566
00:37:44,239 --> 00:37:47,200
Speaker 1: with those around us. And yes, I feel ugly, and

567
00:37:47,239 --> 00:37:49,280
Speaker 1: this is something that has been part of my reality

568
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:51,960
Speaker 1: for a little while. So as hard as that is

569
00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:55,160
Speaker 1: to admit, I don't want to feel that way anymore.

570
00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:58,640
Speaker 1: And I'm really tired of being so focused and obsessed

571
00:37:58,640 --> 00:38:01,480
Speaker 1: on my appearance. And I know I am so much

572
00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:04,840
Speaker 1: more than that, and every day I really strive to

573
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:08,160
Speaker 1: reinforce that and remind myself of this truth. You know,

574
00:38:08,200 --> 00:38:10,839
Speaker 1: when I'm seventy, I don't want to look back at

575
00:38:10,840 --> 00:38:14,000
Speaker 1: my twenties and regret how much time I spent worrying

576
00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:17,440
Speaker 1: about whether other people thought I was beautiful or attractive.

577
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:19,960
Speaker 1: I want to know that I treated people well. I

578
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:21,799
Speaker 1: want to know that I was kind, that I made

579
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:26,520
Speaker 1: a difference, that I enjoyed my life and made incredible

580
00:38:26,600 --> 00:38:29,839
Speaker 1: memories and didn't care if I was ugly doing it.

581
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:32,960
Speaker 1: So I hope that you get to feel that way

582
00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:37,279
Speaker 1: as well, and looking at it holistically and forcing ourselves

583
00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:41,840
Speaker 1: into kind of that hindsight mentality can really help. And

584
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:45,160
Speaker 1: I also think sharing can help you'd be surprised how

585
00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:47,759
Speaker 1: many people in your life are probably feeling the same way.

586
00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:50,520
Speaker 1: When I was talking about this with my friends and

587
00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:53,160
Speaker 1: being like, ah, is this too personal? Is this too intimate?

588
00:38:53,200 --> 00:38:55,520
Speaker 1: They were like, fuck no, I feel this way as well,

589
00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:58,960
Speaker 1: and as someone out there who's feeling equally this kind

590
00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:01,680
Speaker 1: of terrible about their bows in their appearance. So I

591
00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:04,840
Speaker 1: hope it's reached you, and I hope you feel better

592
00:39:04,960 --> 00:39:08,439
Speaker 1: knowing that you're not experiencing this by yourself. So thank

593
00:39:08,440 --> 00:39:11,040
Speaker 1: you so much for listening to this episode. Kind of

594
00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:15,840
Speaker 1: a tough one, super vulnerable, so please be kind. I

595
00:39:15,880 --> 00:39:18,200
Speaker 1: don't want to wake up tomorrow and have people being

596
00:39:18,239 --> 00:39:21,960
Speaker 1: like you were entirely correct. You actually are super fucking ugly,

597
00:39:22,080 --> 00:39:24,080
Speaker 1: so show your mouth. I don't think anyone would ever

598
00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:26,680
Speaker 1: say that. But you know, if you didn't like this

599
00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:30,720
Speaker 1: episode and it provided you with some valuable insights, maybe

600
00:39:30,719 --> 00:39:33,200
Speaker 1: share it on leave a five star review if you

601
00:39:33,239 --> 00:39:35,160
Speaker 1: feel cool to do so. It really does help the

602
00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:38,279
Speaker 1: show to grow and reach new people, and it makes

603
00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:40,680
Speaker 1: my day. It makes me feel like I'm doing something valuable.

604
00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:43,840
Speaker 1: So if that's something you feel cool to do, so

605
00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:46,239
Speaker 1: please give it a go. If not, that's all right,

606
00:39:46,239 --> 00:39:49,319
Speaker 1: You're still welcome here, and I hope to have you

607
00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:51,920
Speaker 1: back for another episode. If there is something on your

608
00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:55,040
Speaker 1: mind to do with your twenties, to do with psychology

609
00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:57,759
Speaker 1: and you want to know more, please follow me at

610
00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:02,200
Speaker 1: that Psychology Podcast and shoot me an episode suggestion. I

611
00:40:02,239 --> 00:40:04,640
Speaker 1: love hearing about what everyone's going through and what your

612
00:40:04,680 --> 00:40:07,759
Speaker 1: experiences are and how we can kind of apply a

613
00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:12,200
Speaker 1: scientific and deep psychological knowledge and explanation to it, So

614
00:40:12,800 --> 00:40:15,719
Speaker 1: hope to see you over there as always. Thank you

615
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:18,120
Speaker 1: so much for listening and for supporting the show, and

616
00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:26,480
Speaker 1: we will be back next week with another episode