Speaker 1: Hello, Hello.
Speaker 2: Can you hear me?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I can hear you. What's your name, sir? My
Speaker 3: name is Casey, Casey. How you doing has life?
Speaker 2: I'm doing pretty good. On my lunch break, eating some
Speaker 2: fa fa It's like microwaveable.
Speaker 3: I love fu. Just chilling, just chilling, pretty good, pretty good?
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Uh oh listen, man, here's the thing. Uh today, I'm
Speaker 3: happy to just chit chat about whatever. But uh, if
Speaker 3: you have a thing that you wanted to call in
Speaker 3: to talk about, uh, we could do that as well.
Speaker 3: What are you feeling? What are you thinking?
Speaker 4: You know?
Speaker 2: I kind of just called spur of the moment. There's
Speaker 2: been multiple times where I'm like, oh, I want to
Speaker 2: call because I have this talk about but I'm just
Speaker 2: kind of, you know, on my lunch break, just hanging out.
Speaker 2: Was there anything on your mind?
Speaker 3: Well let's do this. Man. What last time that you
Speaker 3: were like, Okay, I have this thing I want to
Speaker 3: talk about. What was that thing?
Speaker 2: Well? I so there's a couple of things I could
Speaker 2: either and I'll let you decide what you think sounds
Speaker 2: more interesting. So they're equally interesting to me. I one
Speaker 2: time lived on a commercial salmon fishing boat for a summer,
Speaker 2: which in Alaska, and we lived on the boat on
Speaker 2: the water for like six weeks, which was interesting and
Speaker 2: I have some fun stories from that. And then I'm
Speaker 2: also kind of in the midst of figuring out what
Speaker 2: I'm gonna do for grad school. Yeah, so that's also
Speaker 2: been something that's on my mind. So what sounds what
Speaker 2: sounds more interesting you?
Speaker 3: So you you were on a salmon fishing boat for
Speaker 3: six months?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 3: And where where was this boat located? Like where in
Speaker 3: the ocean?
Speaker 2: So it was it's a Bristol Bay, Alaska.
Speaker 3: Bristol Bay, Alaska. I always wanted to go to Alaska.
Speaker 3: I don't know what the hell's going on over.
Speaker 2: There, man, it let me tell you. It is a weird,
Speaker 2: very very strange place. We didn't really spend much time
Speaker 2: in like the populated areas. So what we did was
Speaker 2: we got there in the around the beginning of June,
Speaker 2: and we flew into anchorage and immediately got on a small,
Speaker 2: super small plane where we got to this point called
Speaker 2: Saint Petersborough And it's literally like I think there's less
Speaker 2: than fifty people that live there year round, and like
Speaker 2: during the summer when there's a bunch of different people there.
Speaker 2: There's like probably two to three hundred people just all
Speaker 2: at this like port essentially, and there are places where
Speaker 2: the fishermen live. There's like four or five different quarters.
Speaker 2: And then other than that, it's just like it's funny.
Speaker 2: It's a lot of convicts that come in because they
Speaker 2: work at the cannery. Usually instead of like having them
Speaker 2: rot in a cell or something, they have they fly
Speaker 2: them out and they work in the canaries where they
Speaker 2: like can the fish that comes in. And that was
Speaker 2: actually a stabbing in one of the quarters the year
Speaker 2: before I was there. It's a very chaotic place, for sure.
Speaker 3: Did you get into any trouble while you were on
Speaker 3: the boat, so, did you stab anyone? Did you do
Speaker 3: anything crazy?
Speaker 2: No stabbing. While on land, it was mostly just a
Speaker 2: bunch of heavy drinking and waking up, putting Bailey's in
Speaker 2: coffee and getting the boat prepared. And then so we
Speaker 2: lived on land for like three weeks getting the boat
Speaker 2: prepared ready to go out to sea, and that was
Speaker 2: basically like getting everything painted, like working on the engine
Speaker 2: and working on all the maintenance that needed to be
Speaker 2: done for it. And then after living on land for
Speaker 2: like two and a half weeks. Then we went out
Speaker 2: to the water and we spent like five weeks on
Speaker 2: the water.
Speaker 3: Wow, uh, five weeks on the water. How many people
Speaker 3: are on this boat?
Speaker 2: So that's the that's the thing. It was for like
Speaker 2: two weeks it was four of us, and then the
Speaker 2: last three and a half weeks it was three of us.
Speaker 2: It's a super small.
Speaker 3: Boat and uh for five and you what you live
Speaker 3: in like little bunk beds and stuff.
Speaker 2: Dude, Yeah, it is like the smallest bed like I've
Speaker 2: ever slept on. It was. It was. It was quite miserable. Yeah,
Speaker 2: super super super sight quarters. We all like it was
Speaker 2: basically on the end of the boat. Like you know
Speaker 2: how a boat it kind of at the front, it
Speaker 2: kind of curves up, so it like you know, functions
Speaker 2: on the water where you're basically in that point and
Speaker 2: the beds are kind of a diagonal diagonalized going to
Speaker 2: the end of the boat. It's kind of hard to explain,
Speaker 2: but point is very small.
Speaker 3: And tell me about the other guys. Did you get
Speaker 3: along with them or was their conflict on the boat?
Speaker 2: Yeah? So, so how I actually got the job was
Speaker 2: my buddy I was I was at I was doing
Speaker 2: undergrad at the time, and my buddy just texted in
Speaker 2: the group chat. He was like, Hey, my my mom's
Speaker 2: friend's husband needs somebody to come out to Alaska for
Speaker 2: the summer and work on his boat with him and
Speaker 2: uh catch some salmon. And he just texted it in
Speaker 2: the group chat, and it was like piranhas fighting for
Speaker 2: fighting for food. Like everybody snapped on it. But I
Speaker 2: was the first one to respond. And so Parker connected me,
Speaker 2: or his name was Parker connected me to the to
Speaker 2: the guy that was the captain of the boat. And
Speaker 2: so Parker and I were super close. We were really
Speaker 2: good friends. And but the captain, his name was Dale.
Speaker 2: He was a dick. He was honestly insufferable a lot
Speaker 2: of time.
Speaker 3: When what was it that made Dale a dick?
Speaker 2: Oh, let's see he uh he. So when you when
Speaker 2: you're a commercial fisherman and you spend something like I
Speaker 2: think Alaska does weird things to people living out there
Speaker 2: for a long time because they have such little contact
Speaker 2: and the only people there around are other sweaty, pissy
Speaker 2: fishermen Soka. No, you're good, No, you're good. He uh.
Speaker 2: He had a really terrible attitude. He was he was
Speaker 2: a yeller, like he was really power tripping over the
Speaker 2: fact that it was his boat. He was the captain,
Speaker 2: so he so there was a lot of power tripping
Speaker 2: going on and he he uh, he would always talk
Speaker 2: about how fucking horny he was because he hadn't been
Speaker 2: around women, because you know, it's just us three dudes
Speaker 2: on the boat at the time, So just a lot
Speaker 2: of uncomfortable talking points, power tripping, yelling all the time,
Speaker 2: like we would always he like we were always having
Speaker 2: to cook for him, and shit, he was just a
Speaker 2: power tripping asshole. Not okay.
Speaker 3: This does bring up an interesting and interesting question is
Speaker 3: do well, what's the masturbation situation looking like on this
Speaker 3: boat or are we just abstaining for the five weeks
Speaker 3: or are you kind of picking your spots? Are you
Speaker 3: doing it just straight up into the ocean.
Speaker 2: So it's it's pretty much nil while you're on the boat.
Speaker 2: So a lot of nutless aggravation, you know, yeah, nut
Speaker 2: deprived aggravation for sure. Five weeks, you know, sense to
Speaker 2: the whole crew pretty much. We did go back on land.
Speaker 2: We went back on land like three and a half
Speaker 2: weeks in, i want to say, and then we went
Speaker 2: back out for another week and a half, So I
Speaker 2: think everybody got a nut in during that, But other
Speaker 2: than that, yeah, pretty much nothing.
Speaker 3: And was that like, did that add to the general
Speaker 3: vibe of frustration amongst the gang?
Speaker 2: I definitely think so, Yeah, definitely there was, Yeah, a
Speaker 2: lot of yelling, a lot of arguing. Yeah, that definitely contributed.
Speaker 2: And there was also like I'll tell you the schedule
Speaker 2: because it really puts things into context of like what
Speaker 2: this job is like. So when you're on the boat,
Speaker 2: basically any time that you're allowed to fish, you have
Speaker 2: to fish because when you're not fishing, you're not making
Speaker 2: money essentially, because all of your money is based off
Speaker 2: how much fish you catch. Right, So the fishing periods
Speaker 2: were like eight hour time. So here would be like
Speaker 2: an average day, wake up at two am, make oatmeal,
Speaker 2: make coffee, dale the captain would start driving the boat
Speaker 2: out to where driving from the anchorage where we achre
Speaker 2: down out to where we're going to go fish for
Speaker 2: the day. That takes about like forty five minutes to
Speaker 2: an hour. We get where we're going to fish at
Speaker 2: three am, we roll out the net and we start
Speaker 2: fishing essentially, and we fish for about six hours so
Speaker 2: then it would hit about nine am, say, after that,
Speaker 2: we get all our fish into the bins, we drive
Speaker 2: back to the anchorage, take all of our fish and
Speaker 2: drop it off to the tender boat which takes all
Speaker 2: the fish from the small boats and gets it weighed
Speaker 2: out and processed. That takes about an hour, so at
Speaker 2: this point it's about like ten thirty probably, and then
Speaker 2: after that we go anchor up. You have to scrub
Speaker 2: the entire deck otherwise it smells like, you know, one
Speaker 2: of the worst smells you can imagine, Like you have
Speaker 2: to scrub it after every time you fish. Otherwise it's
Speaker 2: just going to be like you can't be out there
Speaker 2: for too long. So that takes about thirty minutes. And
Speaker 2: so then you know, you have like essentially forty five
Speaker 2: minutes to eat and just like do whatever you want
Speaker 2: to do in your free time, and then you have
Speaker 2: about two two to three hours to sleep, depending on
Speaker 2: the day. And then the next session starts at around
Speaker 2: like you know, one or two pm, so you all
Speaker 2: over again until like you know, one two am.
Speaker 3: So you basically you break up your sleep scheduling.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, right in the blocks of like two hours.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that sounds like hell, how did you like feel
Speaker 3: during this time?
Speaker 2: I was, I've that was the like it probably sounds cliche,
Speaker 2: but I genuinely think that was the first time I've
Speaker 2: ever felt myself kind of like slipping mentally. I did.
Speaker 2: I did. Actually near the end, I had some like
Speaker 2: hallucinations in the water whoa, which was crazy because I've
Speaker 2: never had, you know, visuals like you know, not coming
Speaker 2: out of you know, my brain processing what's in front
Speaker 2: of me, you know, besides like tripping balls, you know,
Speaker 2: So that was very strange. And yeah, I think the
Speaker 2: only thing that really got me through it was in
Speaker 2: my free time. I was reading The Myth of Sisssis.
Speaker 2: If you ever heard of that book?
Speaker 3: What is that?
Speaker 2: It's a it's a it's a philosophy book. It's I
Speaker 2: first really got I was into philosophy as an undergrad originally,
Speaker 2: but I brought this book with me. And since there's
Speaker 2: no there's no service or anything, there's nothing you can
Speaker 2: really do besides you know, read or you know, do
Speaker 2: jack shit. So basically reading in my free time that
Speaker 2: book got me through it. But it was I did
Speaker 2: feel myself going insane and that level of exhaustion definitely
Speaker 2: also contributed to the tension between the crewmates.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and did you what did you learn from the
Speaker 3: Myth of Sisyphus?
Speaker 2: Well, it's it's one of it's not the founding book
Speaker 2: of absurdism, but it's it's like it's canon. You know,
Speaker 2: it's very it's very it's a very important work and
Speaker 2: the idea of absurdism, and I don't know it it.
Speaker 2: Before this, I was having a hard time wrestling with
Speaker 2: you know what a lot of people wrestle with on
Speaker 2: this podcast, the Meaning of life, you know, that type
Speaker 2: of stuff. But I think after reading that book, I
Speaker 2: think the biggest takeaway I took from it was that, like,
Speaker 2: the insignificance of our existence is not something to be
Speaker 2: upset about, but it's something to be taken advantage of
Speaker 2: because the impact or the lack of impact that we're
Speaker 2: actually leaving on the world gives us the freedom to
Speaker 2: take advantage of that insignificance and do what we think
Speaker 2: we want to do. And you know, that's not an
Speaker 2: excuse to dick around and do nothing, but it's like
Speaker 2: it's it's a good motivator for me personally to go
Speaker 2: out and do shit that I'm passionate about you know which,
Speaker 2: So now I'm like trying to go for my PhD
Speaker 2: for mass which I never would have saw myself doing.
Speaker 2: But after the fishing trip and after reading that book,
Speaker 2: it kind of realized, like, hey, I like maths. Why
Speaker 2: don't I do it for school instead of, you know,
Speaker 2: fucking around in a business degree where I have no interest,
Speaker 2: And now I want to go for my PhD. So
Speaker 2: it's helped me figure out what I wanted to do
Speaker 2: for sure.
Speaker 3: First of all, congratulations, that's awesome, But second of all,
Speaker 3: how lucky did you get that your passion was math? Oh?
Speaker 3: My god? Some people are like, my passion is to
Speaker 3: become a fucking call of duty live streamer or something,
Speaker 3: you know, you know what I mean? Like, it's how
Speaker 3: lucky did you get that your passion was matt Like? So,
Speaker 3: how lucky did you get that your passion was like
Speaker 3: something tangible that you can you can actually do something
Speaker 3: productive with, you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: Yes? That, And I mean I think I think a lot.
Speaker 2: I think more people could find a passion in something
Speaker 2: like that, Like, well, I guess what you said tangible,
Speaker 2: But I think it's kind of it's really hard to
Speaker 2: unlock that with the way that we're educated now. I
Speaker 2: think people have a lot more potential in education that
Speaker 2: they just can't see because it's you know, it's it's
Speaker 2: not unlocked in the proper way because you know, nobody
Speaker 2: fucking likes math in high school. I hated math in
Speaker 2: high school. I got a dog shit education in math
Speaker 2: in high school, and so I think I think that's
Speaker 2: part of it as well. But yeah, I definitely got
Speaker 2: lucky that. I'm very glad that I enjoy it. It's
Speaker 2: it's it's fun funnily enough, though, I am in the
Speaker 2: part of math it's called pure math. It's pretty much
Speaker 2: it's about as applicable to life as philosophy itself, which
Speaker 2: you know, there's a threshold. It's basically just Greek. It's
Speaker 2: like writing proofs. It's just like Greek letters that mean
Speaker 2: absolutely nothing to the context of our actual, you know,
Speaker 2: real world experience. But I still enjoy it.
Speaker 3: So pure math, you say, yeah, pure math, and and
Speaker 3: it's your writing proofs, as in your like, Okay, I'm
Speaker 3: going to prove to you without any shaft of a
Speaker 3: doubt the two plus two equals.
Speaker 2: Exactly pretty much.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, that's insane. How do you approve that that's
Speaker 3: just like, uh something that is you.
Speaker 2: Know, it's uh. So, you know, the most obvious stuff
Speaker 2: is actually the hardest stuff to prove. I think the
Speaker 2: like widely accepted proof for one plus one equals to
Speaker 2: like completely rigorous and logical and one hundred percent without
Speaker 2: any like holes. It's like, I think it's like thirty
Speaker 2: six pages.
Speaker 3: Actually it's really okay, so you can break that down
Speaker 3: even further, yes.
Speaker 2: Like it's so non intuitive. The easiest stuff to prove
Speaker 2: is the stuff that you learn later on in your
Speaker 2: high school or like middle school education in math. The
Speaker 2: hardest shit to prove is the shit that you teach
Speaker 2: the young kids.
Speaker 3: That's so god, God, that's so fucking god. That's so
Speaker 3: fucked up. That's so fucked up. There is you know
Speaker 3: what's funny is, yeah, you're talking about uh and God
Speaker 3: damn it, I've roped myself in once again to to
Speaker 3: getting existential. But it's what I'm having fun with it
Speaker 3: right now, is you know you're talking about like, oh,
Speaker 3: insignificance and whatever. It's like, there is so much to
Speaker 3: grasp in the world, and at a certain point you
Speaker 3: must accept that you cannot grasp at all, you know.
Speaker 3: And I think once you accept that and you just
Speaker 3: enjoy whatever it is, you enjoy your little bite of
Speaker 3: apple that you get if you're lucky as a human being,
Speaker 3: is probably where you find uh, the most happiness, you know,
Speaker 3: because I mean, just the knowledge that there's thirty six
Speaker 3: pages of proof involved to prove that one plus one
Speaker 3: equals too. I mean, that's there's just infinite every all things.
Speaker 3: And that's just the stuff that we know. Then there's
Speaker 3: the stuff that we don't know that's infinite, and it's like, god, damn,
Speaker 3: do I just want to play Mario Kart and Jack
Speaker 3: Off and you know, not think about any of this stuff,
Speaker 3: you know, or just I mean, I have this this
Speaker 3: I'm bringing this back to me. I don't know why,
Speaker 3: but this is just what I'm thinking about. It's like,
Speaker 3: I have this. This podcast is very interesting to me
Speaker 3: because it's been a vessel for me of like, oh,
Speaker 3: I want to suck up the whole world. I want
Speaker 3: to get to talk to as many people as possible,
Speaker 3: go as many places as possible, experience as much as possible.
Speaker 3: But I mean it's weird. There's no end, you know,
Speaker 3: it just keeps going and once you like, when you're
Speaker 3: trying to find aimed finality or something like that, you
Speaker 3: it kind of lead, it kind of makes you go crazy, right,
Speaker 3: you have to just accept what there is.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yep, that's a lot of what absurdism is about,
Speaker 2: for sure.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, kind of you know, whining like a little bit
Speaker 2: about it, just sucking it up and admitting that it
Speaker 2: actually you know, but look at cliche enough. It is
Speaker 2: kind of looking on the brighter side of that, you know,
Speaker 2: terrifying an abysmal fact of life.
Speaker 3: What's your name again?
Speaker 2: I definitely recommend Casey, Casey.
Speaker 3: How old are you, Casey? I'm curious what stage of
Speaker 3: life are you? Three twenty three? Very cool, very nice.
Speaker 3: That's nice that you've made peace with all this stuff
Speaker 3: pretty early in your life.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, shout out drugs. That definitely helped.
Speaker 3: A lot too, which ones.
Speaker 2: Psychedelics mostly, So it's funny I quit smoking weed a
Speaker 2: while ago.
Speaker 3: But it's funny me because I I psychedelics, right, Like
Speaker 3: I would think.
Speaker 2: I actually have to stop you. My lunch break is
Speaker 2: actually over. I really enjoyed this conversation though.
Speaker 3: I enjoyed this conversation with you too, Okay, Yeah, let's
Speaker 3: just we'll part two.
Speaker 2: This, Yes, we we we will come back for sure.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna try to get on again and keep doing
Speaker 2: what you're doing with the podcast.
Speaker 3: W I love it all right, Thanks, thanks man, good
Speaker 3: I have have a have a good day at work.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you too, have a good rest of the podcast talking.
Speaker 3: About take care of bye bye bye bye bye, what
Speaker 3: a bummer. I liked talking to that guy a lot.
Speaker 3: That was great. I guess the to finish what I
Speaker 3: was going to say is that it's funny with Psychedelics
Speaker 3: are an interesting thing to me because they the whole
Speaker 3: selling point is that they are supposed to expand consciousness.
Speaker 3: But for me personally, I'm like, it's interesting to hear
Speaker 3: that they helped this guy solve his existentialism because for me,
Speaker 3: I'm like, isn't the like you want to be less conscious?
Speaker 3: Don't you? Don't you want? Isn't the whole point to
Speaker 3: be a little bit less conscious? Like I feel? Correct?
Speaker 2: You know what?
Speaker 3: Tell me, folks in the comments section on the Spotify
Speaker 3: or YouTube what you think of this. I'm curious what
Speaker 3: people think about this because I think I read this
Speaker 3: quote from uh someone, I don't actually I don't know
Speaker 3: if like someone fucking famous said this or if this
Speaker 3: is just something I read on Reddit. In my crazy
Speaker 3: musings is that you know, if ignorance is bliss, then
Speaker 3: clarity is misery. And I kind of felt that a
Speaker 3: little bit. So it's like the expansion of consciousness seems
Speaker 3: counterintuitive to happiness, although everyone is wired a little differently,
Speaker 3: you know. I mean, the happiest I think human beings
Speaker 3: are is when they're the least conscious, is when they're
Speaker 3: just you know, in life. In they are when when
Speaker 3: you are present and where you are. I was at
Speaker 3: I was at dinner with friends last night and I
Speaker 3: was I was just having like crazy anxiety, and I
Speaker 3: was on my phone and I was in my notes app,
Speaker 3: and I was on Instagram, and I was just fucking like, look,
Speaker 3: it was just like trying to find You're trying to
Speaker 3: find answers everywhere except where you fucking are. And I
Speaker 3: do think there's something to that, because anxiety, at least
Speaker 3: for me, is a sign that you're living your present moment,
Speaker 3: is is kind of out of sync with your desires
Speaker 3: in a way. But you got to kind of balance
Speaker 3: that with like, uh, if you need to fulfill every
Speaker 3: single desire all the time. Then you're you're just gonna suffer,
Speaker 3: you know. But it's it's a balancing act. Because I
Speaker 3: I and I talk about this on the fucking show
Speaker 3: a lot. Is like there's a weird balancing act between
Speaker 3: the the internal and the external of like, Okay, how
Speaker 3: much of anxiety is is is going to be solved
Speaker 3: by like internal acceptance and breathing or whatever versus Oh no,
Speaker 3: there's actually stuff going on in your life that you
Speaker 3: need to like change or or you know, you can
Speaker 3: actually like like how much can you capitalism yourself? How
Speaker 3: much can you capitalism yourself out of anxiety or depression?
Speaker 3: And I'm not even talking about like money. I'm talking
Speaker 3: about like by like doing stuff, by making things or
Speaker 3: making changes externally versus like, Okay, I need to breathe,
Speaker 3: I need to fucking do whatever. And I don't know,
Speaker 3: if I knew, I wouldn't be ranting crazy about it
Speaker 3: on a podcast. But whatever, interesting things to talk about.
Speaker 3: I liked that guy. That guy was cool, Like I was,
Speaker 3: uh interesting, fella. I gotta go to Alaska. I gotta
Speaker 3: see what's going on over there.
Speaker 4: Hello, Yeah, what's up?
Speaker 3: Hey? What's what's going on, sir?
Speaker 2: Not much?
Speaker 4: I was calling. I was like, finally I got on.
Speaker 4: But uh yeah I had pretty decent as of late.
Speaker 4: I think, how about yourself if you mind me asking?
Speaker 3: Yeah, sure, life spend interesting. I mean doing things like
Speaker 3: this that kind of keep you like in the present
Speaker 3: is good. Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, what what's going on
Speaker 3: with you? What's happening in your life?
Speaker 4: Well, hmm, so I recently went to California this weekend,
Speaker 4: so yeah, that was pretty fun. I went to Rolling
Speaker 4: Wild you know that like festival.
Speaker 3: Yeah, how was that?
Speaker 4: That was very like anxiety inducing just because of like, yeah,
Speaker 4: the crowds. I realized I really hate crowds.
Speaker 3: But you didn't get you didn't get astro worlded, did you?
Speaker 4: Oh no, luckily not. Yeah, but it was getting bad
Speaker 4: at like when Playboy Party was playing, they had to
Speaker 4: stop for like twenty minutes, and then like Kaysonatt was
Speaker 4: on stage, he was yelling at us to like back
Speaker 4: up because like ten people passed out. But yeah, yeah,
Speaker 4: it gets crazy sometimes. But no, Astro World.
Speaker 3: Luckily pretty good. What else is going on in life?
Speaker 4: Well? I think I did want to talk about a
Speaker 4: story because yeah, it was about I guess me breaking
Speaker 4: will dislocating myself in a monstrapit and it kind of
Speaker 4: I guess taught me gratitude and patient.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Speaker 4: So yeah, I guess the long story short. So I
Speaker 4: went to my first so you know, the Auto Bar
Speaker 4: in Baltimore, something originally from Maryland.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I did a show there.
Speaker 4: I love. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw you there. So
Speaker 4: I went to my first hardcore show, which is like
Speaker 4: a couple of years ago, and yeah, I got into
Speaker 4: the pit. It was like the first band playing and
Speaker 4: then yeah, someone leaned when my thumb got stuck in
Speaker 4: someone's shirt and then it leaned back and like I
Speaker 4: heard a crack. I popped it back in place. I
Speaker 4: was like, we're good. It's still moving. So I was like,
Speaker 4: let's go.
Speaker 2: We're good.
Speaker 4: So I kept going. Turns out I tore like a
Speaker 4: whole ligament in my thumb. This is my dominant hands,
Speaker 4: mind you, And then I realized I had to get surgery.
Speaker 4: So then I got surgery on my right hand, and
Speaker 4: I was in a cast I think for like two months.
Speaker 4: So I did like learn everything with my left hand.
Speaker 4: I had to learn how to brush my teeth and
Speaker 4: I'm also an artist too, so I did learn to
Speaker 4: draw with my left hand for those two months I
Speaker 4: find out how to do work for two months. I
Speaker 4: don't know. I think that time, I don't know, it
Speaker 4: kind of like taught me to just like really slowed down,
Speaker 4: especially like just the simple act of like brushing the
Speaker 4: teeth with like your left hand. It's so difficult if
Speaker 4: it's like not your dominant hand because you're not usually
Speaker 4: thinking about you doing any mind with sleep. But like
Speaker 4: now I actually have to like learn how to do
Speaker 4: that circular emotion, do everything like that. But yeah, doing
Speaker 4: artwork as well kind of like slowed down a lot.
Speaker 4: Like I actually was like more I guess what's that word.
Speaker 4: I guess, hmmm, decisive with my movements and more like yeah,
Speaker 4: I think more decisive with it. And it had like
Speaker 4: a better like mythology of going your valid and stuff
Speaker 4: like that. But yeah, it was kind of weird, weird
Speaker 4: situation because it was like I do everything with my
Speaker 4: right hand. I do everything just mindlessly a lot, and
Speaker 4: this kind of taught me like WHOA, just because of
Speaker 4: how uncoordinated I was with my left hand. I kind
Speaker 4: of learned to just like yeah, kind of be with
Speaker 4: the flow of things and kind of adjust to those
Speaker 4: things and being okay with it, even if I kind
Speaker 4: of like suck at it.
Speaker 3: So yeah, yeah, M And how is your how how
Speaker 3: long was your right hand out of commission?
Speaker 4: So yeah, two months in the cast and then I
Speaker 4: had therapy, so it was about like three months. But
Speaker 4: I think those three months are really good because I
Speaker 4: was like really grateful for like the times I do
Speaker 4: have two hands, because having one hand kind of sucks.
Speaker 4: So I kind of feel bad. Well I feel really
Speaker 4: bad for people with one hand or no hands, but yeah,
Speaker 4: having that one hand kind of yeah, put things in
Speaker 4: perspective a lot. It made me kind of, yeah, very
Speaker 4: slow down. I think the main thing was like slow
Speaker 4: down to a lot of stuff.
Speaker 3: Yeah, what was the hardest thing to learn with your
Speaker 3: left hands?
Speaker 4: Ooh, so I have this big dog. I have a dog.
Speaker 4: She's in the key to She's like eighty pounds. That
Speaker 4: was kind of hard to like walk her. So I
Speaker 4: had this LEAs. I got this leash, like it's basically
Speaker 4: kind of like the avatar leavest like basically connected to me.
Speaker 4: So it's like at least that goes across my body.
Speaker 4: And then yeah, she just connected things like that. But yeah,
Speaker 4: other than that, I think what else was really hard?
Speaker 4: Opening things? Opening things was awful. I couldn't open things
Speaker 4: and that was really hard. Yeah. I think it was
Speaker 4: like those those daily things. Taking a shower was really difficult.
Speaker 4: It was very difficult because you can't get your cast
Speaker 4: web or any of that web. Yeah, I like the
Speaker 4: day to day stuff very difficult.
Speaker 3: And so how long ago is this?
Speaker 4: This was twenty so twenty twenty two going into twenty
Speaker 4: twenty three, so it's been basically almost Yeah, a year
Speaker 4: since the surgery. Has been a year since the surgery.
Speaker 4: Oh now twenty three, No, twenty twenty three going into
Speaker 4: twenty twenty four, So yeah, like a year.
Speaker 3: So has Because here's the thing about like epiphanies I
Speaker 3: notice a lot is that they're not one and done things.
Speaker 3: They're they're kind of things you have to remind yourself of.
Speaker 3: And so do you feel like that gratefulness and that
Speaker 3: awareness has stayed with you throughout this?
Speaker 4: See? That's hard too. Yeah, So that's what I sometimes
Speaker 4: I do definitely like just get back into like the
Speaker 4: mindless stroll of things. I think. Yeah, No, it's really
Speaker 4: hard to kind of always remain and remember that. I
Speaker 4: guess these I guess that finite thing of like that
Speaker 4: impermanence of everything, and that you need to just enjoy
Speaker 4: and be grateful for those just those simple things like that,
Speaker 4: going back to just brushing your teeth. You take those
Speaker 4: things for granted. So I don't know, I kind of
Speaker 4: sometimes I guess there's those times where I like, yeah,
Speaker 4: I might have an epiphany off of like mushrooms again,
Speaker 4: I'm like, I need to go back to the simplistic thing.
Speaker 4: And then sometimes I just lose that strain of thought
Speaker 4: and I just get caught into to think of it
Speaker 4: and stuff like that. But I don't know. I think
Speaker 4: what helps me a lot. I do a lot of
Speaker 4: like yoga, which puts me into that framework of like
Speaker 4: being there in that moment and just breathing. So I
Speaker 4: feel like those kind of like revert back to those
Speaker 4: times of like when I had that one hand and
Speaker 4: I was basically purple to do gradit that one hand
Speaker 4: to do everything and had to focus on that activity
Speaker 4: I was usually doing that I thought usually with two
Speaker 4: hands wasn't important and stuff like that. So yeah, I
Speaker 4: don't know. It's really like a roller coaster effect. I
Speaker 4: feel like there's always those highs and lows of like
Speaker 4: figuring it out, remaining in that state. I don't know.
Speaker 4: I don't think we should be like I think we
Speaker 4: should cheer ourselves with the grace too when we do
Speaker 4: forget about that stuff as well, because that like, yeah,
Speaker 4: we're just human. We're just learning, growing, failing, succeeding. You know.
Speaker 3: So what's going on with you now that you have
Speaker 3: two hands? What are you doing with your hands?
Speaker 4: I'm doing so I'm grabbing so many things. Yeah, so
Speaker 4: I guess what I'll do. Yeah, I like to like
Speaker 4: be outside a lot, so and like just yeah, work out,
Speaker 4: I do more tie a lot. That's fun. You do
Speaker 4: more time sports and stuff like, Yeah, more time is
Speaker 4: really funny.
Speaker 3: You're you're really out there trying to fuck up your
Speaker 3: hands again, You're really you're like, I didn't get injured
Speaker 3: hard enough to fuck up myself even.
Speaker 4: More exactly, I think. Yeah, I like those like high
Speaker 4: stake things. I don't know if that's like dangerous, but
Speaker 4: you know, yolo, but I do go back to the
Speaker 4: pits and stuff like that way more safer, keeping my
Speaker 4: hands like away from my clothing and people sometimes and
Speaker 4: stuff like that. But I've been using my hands a lot.
Speaker 4: I think I've been creating a lot like art. I said,
Speaker 4: I was an artist, so now I know how to
Speaker 4: use both of my hands with art. So that's like
Speaker 4: been like really cool. Actually it's been really fun. Yeah,
Speaker 4: you know, what's your favorite thing to do with two hands?
Speaker 3: What's my favorite thing to do with uh two hands?
Speaker 3: I guess fucking play video games? That's probably the Yeah.
Speaker 3: I've thought about whether I would, I would be whether
Speaker 3: I would Would you rather have no hands or no feet?
Speaker 3: I feel like no, I feel like I no feet, right.
Speaker 4: Yeah, no, no, no, because you can't.
Speaker 3: Walk, but you could use a wheelchair.
Speaker 4: That's true.
Speaker 3: There's so many things.
Speaker 4: A lot of your hands, but a lot of places
Speaker 4: aren't like wheelchair accessible either. Like what if there's like
Speaker 4: stairs in your fuck you know.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but what if you have to what if there's
Speaker 3: a door and you gotta open it, then you're really
Speaker 3: fucking You can.
Speaker 4: Use your mouth or you can use your feet too,
Speaker 4: you know.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I guess you would have to learn how
Speaker 3: to use your feet. Yeah, you know. I I feel
Speaker 3: like I feel like a wimp. A lot of the times,
Speaker 3: I'm like I feel like I'm like, oh, I only
Speaker 3: have the strength for like, yeah, you're you're feel that way.
Speaker 3: You're like, I don't feel like I have the strength
Speaker 3: for like tons and tons of adversity. But yet you
Speaker 3: see yet, you know out there there exists tons and
Speaker 3: tons of adversity and people are doing it. People are
Speaker 3: getting themselves through adversity, you know. I often that's that's
Speaker 3: one of my problems is I often feel as though
Speaker 3: I don't have the strength to overcome adversity, which is
Speaker 3: hard because I think life just throws adversity around in
Speaker 3: a way that doesn't really care who you are or
Speaker 3: what the fuck if you've experienced it before or not.
Speaker 4: You know, yeah, life doesn't give a shit. Going back
Speaker 4: to that, there is that guy that has like no
Speaker 4: limbs at all, but he climbs mountains. I saw something. Yeah,
Speaker 4: he climbed like one of the tallest mountain in Africa
Speaker 4: or something. Yeah, and he has no arms or legs.
Speaker 4: But yeah, going back to like adversity, Yeah, I don't know. Yes,
Speaker 4: it's kind of like how do you come up to
Speaker 4: the plate for it? A lot of the times, the
Speaker 4: most of times we don't, And I think that's okay too,
Speaker 4: because it's like, I don't know, we learned from that
Speaker 4: adversity even though we might have not came to the
Speaker 4: challenge too, and stuff like that.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, that guy, that guy, well there's a lot
Speaker 3: of I mean, that guy's doing pretty good. But I
Speaker 3: also think about all the people who don't have arms
Speaker 3: and legs, who are like, man, this is not I
Speaker 3: don't like this.
Speaker 4: Yeah that's true too. Damn yeah, life, life can be
Speaker 4: like that.
Speaker 3: Well realize, I guess, I guess you know what you're
Speaker 3: making me feel. Grateful to have arms and legs, which
Speaker 3: is that. I think, honestly, probably the baseline to wake
Speaker 3: up every day with is just grateful you have arms
Speaker 3: and legs.
Speaker 4: For sure, but definitely try to do stuff with your
Speaker 4: opposite hand though. It definitely puts you into like perspective
Speaker 4: and it keeps you because you were talking about presence
Speaker 4: a lot. You talk about that flow stick. It gives
Speaker 4: you at presence that I feel like, because you're actually
Speaker 4: going to have to focus on the cash you're doing,
Speaker 4: even though because most of the time we do it
Speaker 4: mindlessly with that dominant hand or something like that. But yeah,
Speaker 4: I feel like everyone even chat or anyone that might
Speaker 4: listen to this. Yeah, try to do things that you're
Speaker 4: not usually comfortable with, and that can be simple things
Speaker 4: because they kind of yeah, put those things in perspective.
Speaker 3: You know, what's your name again, sir?
Speaker 4: Oh, I went by poop, but Poop, I go by friend.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: But but but I did call you with flying loads
Speaker 4: that one time, and I was so nervous and I
Speaker 4: really want to call back, and I think it went
Speaker 4: way better because I actually knew what to talk about.
Speaker 4: But yeah, you know, shit happens and then you over
Speaker 4: here again.
Speaker 3: So yeah, Poop, is there anything else you gonna say
Speaker 3: to the people the computer before we go?
Speaker 4: Stay yourself, guys, do what you love and yeah, love.
Speaker 3: You get Thank you, Poop, you have a good rest
Speaker 3: of the night. Good luck to you, sir, you too?
Speaker 3: H Yeah, this why is I don't like doing I'm
Speaker 3: okay with like embarrassing myself, but I don't like doing
Speaker 3: putting myself out there like physically, Like I have no
Speaker 3: interest in skydiving or skateboarding or anything where you can
Speaker 3: like really fuck yourself up. But I have respect for
Speaker 3: people who do do that. Hello, Hey, Hey, what's up?
Speaker 3: What's your name?
Speaker 5: My name is Graciana. We've talked once.
Speaker 3: Before, Graciana. How long ago did we talk?
Speaker 5: It was like when you like, you know, when COVID
Speaker 5: was was a thing that everyone was we were all
Speaker 5: hiding from well some of us, some.
Speaker 3: Of us are anyone, Okay, so a while ago.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 5: The last subject we talked about. I was explaining how
Speaker 5: I I had my first kid at fifteen and my
Speaker 5: next one at twenty two and the difference between the two,
Speaker 5: and oh.
Speaker 3: Shit, well how are they doing? How are the kids?
Speaker 5: Oh, you know, that's complicated. Listen, kids. My three year
Speaker 5: old he changes every day, if not every week, if
Speaker 5: not like every month. And he's a little easier because
Speaker 5: you know, he's three in the way of you know,
Speaker 5: it's he can't talk that much. My eleven year old,
Speaker 5: she's on this whole discovering herself in questioning life and
Speaker 5: and I mean some stuff is going on there for sure.
Speaker 5: That's kind of terrifying in the way of she obviously
Speaker 5: has depression and she's made it clear that you know, she's.
Speaker 3: She's asking for help and she's eleven.
Speaker 5: Yeah, she's eleven, dude.
Speaker 3: Oh man, so how do you uh uh? I've been
Speaker 3: thinking you know, it's funny. So I don't think I'm
Speaker 3: gonna have kids for a while, but I know that
Speaker 3: I want to eventually. And I was thinking about that.
Speaker 3: I was like, how if you know, like you this
Speaker 3: is this might be a negative viewpoint, but it's like,
Speaker 3: you know, I think having kids like can introduce a
Speaker 3: lot of joy in your life, but also a lot
Speaker 3: of suffering because like whatever you take, whatever they have,
Speaker 3: you know, that's kind of part of your job. I
Speaker 3: think is like if your kid is suffering, you kind
Speaker 3: of have to, you know, be in that suffering with
Speaker 3: them to help. You got to dive into the black
Speaker 3: pit to help get them out of there, and you
Speaker 3: got to go in there. You know, what is it?
Speaker 3: I mean? Is that accurate? Do you feel that way?
Speaker 5: I see, I feel a lot like I think that
Speaker 5: we feel a lot of the same in that way.
Speaker 5: Like although you know, when I got pregnant at fifteen,
Speaker 5: I thought it was going to be a beautiful, wonderful thing.
Speaker 5: Obviously I was a fucking kid, right, but like and
Speaker 5: then as as I got older, like and then having
Speaker 5: my newest, my newest boy, it's I'm realizing that I
Speaker 5: have a lot, Like I stopped. I essentially stopped at
Speaker 5: fifteen kind of like discovering myself and all that. So
Speaker 5: I encourage people to just kind of enjoy themselves, like
Speaker 5: get to know themselves, because yes, having a kid it
Speaker 5: has given me a lot of joy and perspective, but
Speaker 5: it is also really hard and and it's at some
Speaker 5: times like currently, I feel like with my eleven year olds,
Speaker 5: it's kind of like your you don't know if if
Speaker 5: you're going to get a bank you in the end
Speaker 5: for all of the actual sacrifices that you do make
Speaker 5: in just like mentally and and physically and like and
Speaker 5: you know, just like all the all the stuff. The
Speaker 5: fucking doctor visits the it's it's just it's you. It's
Speaker 5: you caring for a whole other person. And also like
Speaker 5: I'm I'm you know, I knew after a while, uh
Speaker 5: that I'm essentially teaching her what what life is going
Speaker 5: to be, like everything everything that I give her, Like
Speaker 5: she she's watching me, like how I handle things, That's
Speaker 5: how she's gonna handle things, right, Yeah.
Speaker 3: You're giving her the context of life.
Speaker 5: Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like I was fifteen when
Speaker 5: I had her, and so it wasn't the prettiest scene.
Speaker 5: You know, it really wasn't. I mean, granted, I don't like,
Speaker 5: it wasn't like a you know, I don't I don't know.
Speaker 5: Me and my partner are both fifteen, So it was
Speaker 5: it was it was like two kids that all of
Speaker 5: a sudden moved in together and like my family is
Speaker 5: falling apart. So then as all of a sudden, was
Speaker 5: like adopted by his mom with my brothers, and so
Speaker 5: it's just like to a certain extent, I understand why.
Speaker 2: Why it was so hard.
Speaker 5: For because I was fucking fifteen, and so like it
Speaker 5: wasn't It wasn't a about oh I should I should
Speaker 5: be not crying in the closet, and I just that
Speaker 5: all the time, like I should be I don't know,
Speaker 5: trying to do things and paying more attention and and uh,
Speaker 5: I don't know, dude, I think his is I think
Speaker 5: having kids is a beautiful thing, and but I also
Speaker 5: feel like it's it's not it's not what they told us.
Speaker 3: You know, are you still with that, You're still with
Speaker 3: the guy that you had the kid with, not my.
Speaker 5: Eleven year old. I'm with a new partner and he's
Speaker 5: the father of my three year old.
Speaker 3: Okay, okay, uh, and how how is he? Because I
Speaker 3: feel like that is the because this really feels like
Speaker 3: something you kind of can't do alone. It feels like
Speaker 3: something that that you got to have the right person
Speaker 3: to do.
Speaker 4: It with.
Speaker 5: Absolutely, and that is something that I really really advocate for. Um, Like,
Speaker 5: I'm like the you just want to you know how
Speaker 5: they say you want to vet someone kind of like
Speaker 5: you kind of want to vet someone in the way
Speaker 5: of how are they going to be in a tough
Speaker 5: situation if your kid like is crying and it's been
Speaker 5: fucking hours and you're both sleep deprived and like you're
Speaker 5: irritated obviously and they're irritated, how are they going to
Speaker 5: handle it?
Speaker 2: Or like.
Speaker 5: I don't know, it's.
Speaker 6: How how do they How did they take care of
Speaker 6: you and pick up the house? And how does your guys'
Speaker 6: relationship kind of like feel together? And and because it's
Speaker 6: once you have a kid, that's balancing your relationship with
Speaker 6: this person and then also having a child together and
Speaker 6: being a.
Speaker 5: Family, right, It's it's it's a mixed bag patience, patience
Speaker 5: and really really getting to know that person a little bit.
Speaker 3: And how is your new partner doing with all that.
Speaker 5: He's been great, you know, he's he really Sometimes I
Speaker 5: get worried that, like I'm I don't know, because my
Speaker 5: last relationship was so it's just I didn't I only
Speaker 5: it wasn't. It wasn't it wasn't the sweetest at times,
Speaker 5: so I was kind of I don't know. I feel
Speaker 5: like I'm kind of hard times in the way of like,
Speaker 5: I don't, I don't know. I I get scared of
Speaker 5: keeping things to myself, so I'll just like say what
Speaker 5: I'm thinking or whatever, not like negative stuff, but like,
Speaker 5: I don't know, I'm pretty open about if I think
Speaker 5: someone's pretty or not, and I think that that's sometimes
Speaker 5: uh kind of affects like how he feels sometimes and
Speaker 5: I feel kind of.
Speaker 3: Like, oh, if you say, like another girl is.
Speaker 5: Pretty or like a guy or something, but yeah, girls too.
Speaker 3: Sure, Well, you have a buzzing in the background. What
Speaker 3: is that?
Speaker 5: That is my sister trying to call me. She likes
Speaker 5: to call me every day.
Speaker 3: Oh that's nice. Yea a good relationship with your sister
Speaker 3: or I guess, I guess not good enough that you're
Speaker 3: going to hang up on me to call to talk
Speaker 3: to her. But is it good?
Speaker 5: Yeah? I mean she I love her, she's younger, she's
Speaker 5: she's actually my first my last partner's sister. Like I
Speaker 5: moved in with them at fifteen basically, and he had
Speaker 5: uh three two no, I think it was two at
Speaker 5: the time, two brothers and then a sister.
Speaker 3: Because so this is like your this is like your
Speaker 3: ex sister in law, but you call her your sister. Yeah, yeah, okay, okay.
Speaker 2: M.
Speaker 3: Well let me see here, let me think. Well, I
Speaker 3: guess I'll ask you this before we go, is uh,
Speaker 3: I guess? So on the let's this on the topic
Speaker 3: of self discovery and whatnot, do you feel as though
Speaker 3: you have been able to do any self discovery lately?
Speaker 3: And if so, have you learned anything?
Speaker 5: Definitely? So something that really started like kickstarting everything is
Speaker 5: I started just going to like immediately after I graduated
Speaker 5: high school. My teacher was telling me, go to college,
Speaker 5: go to college, go to college, and so I was like, okay, whatever,
Speaker 5: And I went to College of the Redwoods shout out.
Speaker 5: And I loved every English teacher. I loved just like
Speaker 5: how we would like dissect things. And then that made
Speaker 5: me really think and keep thinking in the way of
Speaker 5: like I don't know just like life. And I feel
Speaker 5: like no one that I was around was really thinking
Speaker 5: that way, and so it just kind of kept watering this, Well,
Speaker 5: what do I think and what what would I like
Speaker 5: to do? And what do I enjoy? And hey, this
Speaker 5: book is actually really interesting and like things like that,
Speaker 5: and then like also uh, attending parenting classes and things
Speaker 5: like I I try to attend every parenting class that
Speaker 5: I can find, just because it even though they kind
Speaker 5: of like talk about the same stuff, it's the other
Speaker 5: parents that are in there that really help and just
Speaker 5: make you like feel connected and think and learn new
Speaker 5: ways and feel like, uh, you know, we're all just
Speaker 5: kind of figuring it out.
Speaker 2: Well.
Speaker 3: I appreciate this. This perspective is a good is a
Speaker 3: good perspective to have, because I think when you think
Speaker 3: that when you I don't know when I when I imagine
Speaker 3: life ahead, you always, uh you always imagine that everything's
Speaker 3: gonna be awesome, and you kind of forget you're gonna
Speaker 3: look forward with rose colored glasses and you kind of
Speaker 3: forget that things remain difficult. But uh, I don't know,
Speaker 3: you kind of pick your poison I suppose in life.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, it's a it is it is a giving thing.
Speaker 5: I don't want it to sound like I'm not grateful.
Speaker 3: No, no, no, no, that's not what I've been flying
Speaker 3: at all. I was just kind of.
Speaker 7: Musing, Yeah, it's it is. I do feel like there's
Speaker 7: a rose like, there's like rose color glasses. Absolutely like
Speaker 7: there's still hardships and you're still gonna have different things
Speaker 7: that you're gonna have to learn to navigate through.
Speaker 3: What's your name again, Grace Siana? Is there anything else
Speaker 3: you want to say to the people of the computer
Speaker 3: before we go?
Speaker 5: You guys should read Billions and Billions. It's a really
Speaker 5: fun book.
Speaker 3: Billions and Billions. Mhm uh, well, thank you, Graciana. You
Speaker 3: have a good rest of the night, you too.
Speaker 5: Li'le talk to you again someday by Graciana. Bye.
Speaker 3: All right, let's look this up. Billions and Billions.
Speaker 4: What is this?
Speaker 3: Billions and Billions. It's a book by Carl Sagan. Billions
Speaker 3: and Billions. Thoughts on life and death at the Brink
Speaker 3: of the Millennium. Now I know I'm not reading this book.
Speaker 3: I'm you know what. Look, we did, we had a
Speaker 3: good run with existentialist thought, and I'm coming back. I'm
Speaker 3: joining the living, dude, I'm joining the living. Sorry not
Speaker 3: to shit on this person's book recommendation, but i've I
Speaker 3: I want to I'm not reading this book. I'm not
Speaker 3: reading the Sissyphus. I'm reading fucking Cat in the Hat.
Speaker 3: I'm reading. Uh, I don't know what's a I don't know.
Speaker 3: I'm trying to join. I'm trying to join the living.
Speaker 3: You know, how do I how do you do that?
Speaker 3: How do you rejoin the living? You fucking play kickball?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Yeah, get really into competitive super Smash Brothers whatever it is. Yeah,
Speaker 3: I'm gonna join the living once more. That's my goal.
Speaker 3: But thank you? Uh crap. I forget what the person
Speaker 3: who I just talked to his name was, because it
Speaker 3: was quite elegant, but I appreciate them sharing, sharing their life,
Speaker 3: sharing their life. It was a Casiana. Let me ask
Speaker 3: the twitch chat is a Caseiana, right? Caseiana? I don't know.
Speaker 3: Maybe someone said to read the lorax So oh, Graciana. Okay,
Speaker 3: that was close. Those close, Graciana, Thank you very much, Graciana. Hello, Hello,
Speaker 3: hi there. What is your name? My name is Jonathan, Jonathan.
Speaker 3: What's going on, Jonathan? How is life?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 1: Pretty pretty good man? I'm I'm I'm kind of hanging out.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm working from home. I'm just kind of I'm
Speaker 1: just just just kind of sucking around right now. I
Speaker 1: guess I had some free time. It's funny, are you like,
Speaker 1: I don't know I called and don't actually, I mean,
Speaker 1: things are all right, I guess. I'm like, I'm just
Speaker 1: kind of I've been busy. I've been I've been traveling
Speaker 1: a bunch good.
Speaker 3: I just I just to just to make it clear
Speaker 3: your life, just I guess the listeners, your life does
Speaker 3: not have to be on the brink of collapse for
Speaker 3: you to call into this show. In fact, in fact,
Speaker 3: I would prefer I would prefer you know what I
Speaker 3: love doing. I know this is I feel feel bad
Speaker 3: about this. It feels selfish, but like I just I
Speaker 3: love doing the the outside version of this show so
Speaker 3: much because it's like I just like chat. I just
Speaker 3: like chatting with people, you know, Like I I feel
Speaker 3: like I'm not equipped anymore to like, uh, you know,
Speaker 3: help folks whose life is on the brink of collapse,
Speaker 3: because I'm also I feel like I'm in a dire
Speaker 3: state all the time. And uh, it's actually it's it's
Speaker 3: nice to just I just like chatting with people. I
Speaker 3: really do. Like I'm not I've talked. I've fucking complained
Speaker 3: about this so many times, but like, I like just
Speaker 3: chatting with folks, you know, So I'm happy to just chat.
Speaker 3: You do not need to be oh, your life does
Speaker 3: not need to be on the brink of collapse for
Speaker 3: us to just chat.
Speaker 2: Thick cool.
Speaker 1: I'm glad to hear it because I I think there
Speaker 1: was a time long ago when I was in very
Speaker 1: dire straits. But I've been to real therapy and I
Speaker 1: got I have normal things happening now, and it's kind
Speaker 1: of chill now, you know.
Speaker 3: I like, I would love to hear how you got
Speaker 3: your life out of dire straits and and how things
Speaker 3: have come to be chill.
Speaker 1: Uh sure, yeah, I mean, so I went to school
Speaker 1: in Florida where I went to school for engineering, and
Speaker 1: that's how shit went awful. And you know, eventually you
Speaker 1: graduate and God willing to get a job, so I did,
Speaker 1: and that one sucked, and so eventually, uh started going
Speaker 1: to therapy to cope with all that, and then eventually
Speaker 1: got a new job, moved across the country. I moved
Speaker 1: in with somebodies from college, and I started working a
Speaker 1: way chiller job, and I started to you know, pay
Speaker 1: off debt, I guess, and I and I found hobbies.
Speaker 1: So I spent all my time when you know, I mean,
Speaker 1: I work a lot, but like I spent a lot
Speaker 1: of time, you know, fucking doing things like I played
Speaker 1: dodgeball for fun, and that ship rocks, and I make
Speaker 1: I make neat insider also for fun and to drink
Speaker 1: with my friend. And it's it's been.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: I feel I spent a good amount of time in therapy,
Speaker 1: some time on and then off of antidepressants, and I
Speaker 1: don't know now just kind of hanging out. I had
Speaker 1: I had yogurt for breakfast. It was all right.
Speaker 3: I don't know which antidepressants were you were you rocking with?
Speaker 3: I've recently gotten on the antidepressant train. Which ones have
Speaker 3: you been rocking with?
Speaker 1: So I was pretty I was lucky enough. They you know,
Speaker 1: they put you on LESU pro first, and that worked
Speaker 1: for me. So I stuck with it for a little
Speaker 1: while and that that that was pretty nice. I was
Speaker 1: on that for a little over a year year and
Speaker 1: a half.
Speaker 3: Now, how long does it take because I know that,
Speaker 3: Like the psychiatrist is like, okay, now, just so you know,
Speaker 3: the first three weeks of this, you were going to
Speaker 3: want to kill yourself every day, but that'll go away.
Speaker 3: That's what they always say.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, And I don't think my psychiatrist put it
Speaker 1: quite so bluntly, but he did. What he said was yeah,
Speaker 1: for the first like two three, four weeks, it's gonna
Speaker 1: feel odd, is what he said. And I was like,
Speaker 1: can you elaborate. He's like, it's different for everyone, but
Speaker 1: it's gonna be a little weird. Just just stick with it.
Speaker 1: It's like, okay, man, sure, And so yeah, I was
Speaker 1: like two three, I think four weeks. I want to
Speaker 1: say it was like after the three third or fourth
Speaker 1: week was when I started being able to like get
Speaker 1: out of bed regularly and like without as much difficulty,
Speaker 1: you know, stopped wanting to kill myself, which was cool,
Speaker 1: and it just kind of like, yeah, I want to
Speaker 1: say that I felt like I was like properly in
Speaker 1: full swing after like a month, month and a half
Speaker 1: and then just like it's one of those things that like, yeah,
Speaker 1: the the answer depressions aren't like they're not they're not
Speaker 1: the fixer. They just kind of make it easier for
Speaker 1: you to make the life changes that you probably need
Speaker 1: to make so that this start your life so that
Speaker 1: you can make your own life better.
Speaker 3: Were the uh like okay, so you eventually yeah, okay,
Speaker 3: I mean that's how it works, I think, right, it
Speaker 3: is like you because that's when your brain is like
Speaker 3: attacking you. You're like, oh, I'm too weak to like
Speaker 3: do the things I need to do to externally change
Speaker 3: the circumstances of my life and shit, right, and so
Speaker 3: the kind of get you to the point where you're like,
Speaker 3: all right, I feel like I can actually like do things.
Speaker 3: So once you got to the point where you go, yeah,
Speaker 3: so so once you once you get to the point
Speaker 3: where you can actually do things, what were you doing
Speaker 3: that let kind of change the circumstances?
Speaker 1: I was, you know, it's like just just going out
Speaker 1: out more, not like going out to like bars, and
Speaker 1: I mean I guess I did that too, but like
Speaker 1: I was just like getting out of the house a
Speaker 1: little more. You know, I was like fucking taking out
Speaker 1: my garbage and like brushing my teeth and uh, you know,
Speaker 1: I just started, like, you know, I signed up for
Speaker 1: a recreational sports league you know, like just just like
Speaker 1: exercising a little more and like cooked a little more,
Speaker 1: and it's like it sounds like a lot to start.
Speaker 1: I didn't do all those things at the same time, obviously.
Speaker 1: It was like I think I started with just taking
Speaker 1: out my garbage and like doing laundry more frequently, and
Speaker 1: then I was like, okay, well, eventually that became part
Speaker 1: of my routine. I was like, okay, well, now I
Speaker 1: think I can add a little more to this plate.
Speaker 1: And so I started, you know, going on walks, you know,
Speaker 1: seeing people more often. I started applying to jobs, and
Speaker 1: I quit the job that was making me want to
Speaker 1: kill myself. Things like that.
Speaker 6: You know.
Speaker 1: It was just like just just steadily adding a little
Speaker 1: bit more to the plate as I felt like I
Speaker 1: was able to eat them, you know, mm hm.
Speaker 3: And what where did you move? Did you say?
Speaker 2: I moved?
Speaker 1: I moved from Orlando to New England. So I lived
Speaker 1: like in the Boston metro.
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, And what do you know when did you
Speaker 3: move to? Uh? Boston?
Speaker 1: Uh? Three three and a half years ago.
Speaker 3: Now, And uh was it tough when you first made
Speaker 3: the move?
Speaker 4: Uh?
Speaker 1: It was the thing that was so I moved in
Speaker 1: the winter, So that kind of sucked. But I think
Speaker 1: more than anything was that, like I didn't have.
Speaker 2: A lease yet.
Speaker 1: I moved here, and I was just like bouncing around
Speaker 1: airbnbs for like six months until I actually was able
Speaker 1: to live somewhere.
Speaker 3: Yeah I've done that. I've done that. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was tough because I wasn't I wasn't able
Speaker 1: to so I had I had a roommate in Orlando
Speaker 1: whom I left, and I wasn't able to break my
Speaker 1: leaf because it would have been too expensive.
Speaker 2: But he wouldn't.
Speaker 1: He wasn't helping me find a sub lease, so I
Speaker 1: was just like actually absolutely broke paying two rents for
Speaker 1: like four months until until the other leaf ended and
Speaker 1: I could get on a new one and.
Speaker 2: Stop paying double rents. Yeah.
Speaker 1: But aside from that, like the social was easy a
Speaker 1: little bit because like I had a couple of friends
Speaker 1: who lived here. It was kind of part of why
Speaker 1: this was a city that I had in mind. I mean,
Speaker 1: like I got I had a couple of buddies from
Speaker 1: college who were the guys who told me to move.
Speaker 1: They're like, hey, I think I visited them. We linked
Speaker 1: up for a wedding sometime in the summer, and uh,
Speaker 1: you know, we were just hanging out, like having a
Speaker 1: few drinks, and eventually I was just like drunkenly, I've been,
Speaker 1: you know, exploring Boston for a few days. I was like, guys,
Speaker 1: I could fucking I should live here, and you know,
Speaker 1: everybody like laughs ahaha.
Speaker 6: Sure.
Speaker 1: And then like three months later they called me and
Speaker 1: they're like, hey, man, so about you moving here? We
Speaker 1: want another roommate. Fuck it, you've got You've got eight
Speaker 1: months to figure it out. And I was like, oh, good, okay,
Speaker 1: that's kind of that's enough time. And so you know,
Speaker 1: I fucking updated my resume and I got on LinkedIn
Speaker 1: and stuff, and I just I figured it out. I
Speaker 1: guess I moved too early because obviously their least wasn't
Speaker 1: up until June or whatever, and so I moved in November.
Speaker 1: But yeah, yeah, I mean I had friends, I have,
Speaker 1: I have some family in the general region, Like I
Speaker 1: got family in like Connecticut and New Hampshire and stuff.
Speaker 1: So it's like, you know, I could make the trek
Speaker 1: out for those things if I if I needed them.
Speaker 1: It was it was weird, but and I guess it
Speaker 1: was hard, but like, at no point did it ever
Speaker 1: feel like it really sucked. I Like, I think this
Speaker 1: is a pretty cool town, you know, like the people
Speaker 1: are nice and the food is really good. So I'm
Speaker 1: hanging you.
Speaker 3: Know, pretty good, pretty good. What is the What is
Speaker 3: the job that you do out there?
Speaker 1: I'm a I'm an engineer. I I design motion sensors.
Speaker 8: The company I work for.
Speaker 1: They do like bathroom appliances, so I design like the
Speaker 1: faucet sensors.
Speaker 3: Oh okay, Well, I gotta tell you something. You're doing
Speaker 3: a fucking shitty job because every time, every time I
Speaker 3: use a public bathroom, those motherfuckers are not recognizing my
Speaker 3: hands and I'm walking out of here with you know,
Speaker 3: I no soap, no uhh, no dryer, no nothing. So
Speaker 3: you know, you gotta I don't know, I don't know
Speaker 3: what's going on at big bathroom motion Sensors, but you
Speaker 3: you got to make some changes on the inside, man,
Speaker 3: because it's not as you guys aren't doing a good job.
Speaker 1: Dude, I fucking I hear you, man. I mean, this
Speaker 1: wasn't even a job that I knew existed until it
Speaker 1: was my job and now I and I just got here.
Speaker 1: I was like, how the how did how the fuck
Speaker 1: does this even work?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 1: So? Yeah, I mean I I actually I haven't been
Speaker 1: here long enough for you to have ever used one
Speaker 1: of my sensors. I don't think I got one. I
Speaker 1: have one sensor on the market right now, and it's
Speaker 1: a it's a water bottle filler. But aside from that, like, yeah,
Speaker 1: we're we're still we're still in the R and D
Speaker 1: phase for everything else. It's it's a weird it's a
Speaker 1: weird job. I don't know. But yeah, I mean, go ahead,
Speaker 1: you know, leave me a shitty yelp review. Uh and
Speaker 1: and and we'll see if we can't get your faucets replaced.
Speaker 3: Every time I walk out of an airport bathroom with
Speaker 3: wet hands, I'm gonna be like fucking Jonathan.
Speaker 1: Yeah, man, yeah, fuck that guy, Jonathan, No man, he
Speaker 1: blew it.
Speaker 3: That's cool though, that's cool. It sounds like you have
Speaker 3: a good, uh a good thing going on. Are you
Speaker 3: still living with those two guys?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it's it's pretty good. I mean, one of
Speaker 1: them is moving out, but we got another guy coming in.
Speaker 1: It's it's hanging, we're chilling it it's it's we've been
Speaker 1: living in this apartment basically, this is the apartment that
Speaker 1: I moved into. It's been three years and I'm not
Speaker 1: going anywhere. It's just me, the boys and a cat.
Speaker 2: It's been nice.
Speaker 3: How old are you guys? What's the age range of
Speaker 3: the of the of the boys.
Speaker 1: We're twenty eight, twenty nine.
Speaker 3: Cool, pretty good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's been solid.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Now, I don't know. Now we're just like we've kind
Speaker 1: of like exited the stage of getting used to each
Speaker 1: other and now we're just kind of I don't know,
Speaker 1: we're walking around and like it's just playing sports. I guess,
Speaker 1: you know. We had a we had a we had
Speaker 1: a Saint Patti's Day party.
Speaker 2: That was one thing.
Speaker 1: It's like, Saint Patrick's Day is not a thing that
Speaker 1: people gave much of a shit about in Florida, at
Speaker 1: least not an experience. I moved here and it's like, oh, no,
Speaker 1: you guys do this ship. Oh this is this is real.
Speaker 1: You drink a lot. You drink a lot. Actually, that's
Speaker 1: one thing I would say so when I was on
Speaker 1: my antidepressants, you know, like I wouldn't say I like
Speaker 1: to go crazy when I drink, but I like to
Speaker 1: have a few drinks. You know, I've never been. I
Speaker 1: have blacked out in my life four times, and all
Speaker 1: of four of those times were while I was on antidepressants.
Speaker 3: Yeah, they do tend to amplify the effects of like
Speaker 3: drugs and alcohol.
Speaker 2: Dude.
Speaker 4: It was nuts.
Speaker 1: It was absolutely nuts. I mean like it wasn't like, oh,
Speaker 1: I had five or six drinks. Is like, no, I'm
Speaker 1: on beer number four and I don't remember yesterday anymore,
Speaker 1: you know, Like, so, yeah, some crazy shit happened while
Speaker 1: I was while I was on antidepressants, and eventually I
Speaker 1: was just like, I don't know, I'm not gonna I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna stop drinking, but I guess I I guess
Speaker 1: I can't. I guess I have to, you know. So
Speaker 1: that was a weird That was a weird stage.
Speaker 3: You know, did you get I was I gonna say,
Speaker 3: did you get into any trouble when you blacked out?
Speaker 3: Like did you did you fuck yourself up? Or was
Speaker 3: it typically pretty controlled blackout?
Speaker 5: I would say.
Speaker 1: The weirdest thing that happened to me while I was
Speaker 1: on anti presidens blacking out was that I went to
Speaker 1: a birthday like travel day. We went to We got
Speaker 1: an airbnb in like Pensacola, Florida, and I blacked out,
Speaker 1: and I learned that I had like slept with a
Speaker 1: girl while I was fully blacked out the first night,
Speaker 1: and that was, like, I guess it was fine. It
Speaker 1: was like a long weekend, and clearly nobody felt weird
Speaker 1: about it. I felt a little weird because these were
Speaker 1: all new people to me, like I didn't know them
Speaker 1: that well. So I woke up after the first night
Speaker 1: and everybody was being like super chummy with me and
Speaker 1: super like cool and like friendly, like we had clearly
Speaker 1: made great memories, except I couldn't remember fucking.
Speaker 3: End of that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So I was like, okay, great, now I'm with
Speaker 1: all these strang and they're being extra nice to me,
Speaker 1: and also I guess I'm sleeping with one of them.
Speaker 1: And I was like, okay, well, you know, we're gonna
Speaker 1: relax a little bit and I'm gonna remember tonight. It
Speaker 1: was like a two or three day weekend. So the
Speaker 1: second night happened, and it happens again the exact same thing,
Speaker 1: like fully blacked out, apparently slept with the same girl
Speaker 1: and apparently, you know, everybody had a blast and we're
Speaker 1: all good friends now.
Speaker 5: And.
Speaker 1: So I was just like, I was like flabbergas. I
Speaker 1: was like, Okay, this is cool. I guess. So that
Speaker 1: weekend ends and I go home and I'm like, okay, cool.
Speaker 1: Well now I have new friends, I think. And also
Speaker 1: there's a girl I guess I'm interested in. I should
Speaker 1: probably kick her out on like a proper date, and like,
Speaker 1: you know, see how that goes. So I do, and
Speaker 1: we have a couple of glasses of wine at dinner,
Speaker 1: and it fucking happens again, and so I have gone.
Speaker 1: I've been like, apparently I've known this girl for a while,
Speaker 1: and I've apparently slept with her on them birth times
Speaker 1: and I had forgotten every single time of it. And
Speaker 1: at that point I was just done. I was like, fuck,
Speaker 1: this this sucks. You know what, I think, I'm good,
Speaker 1: I'm good on Gainesville. I'm just gonna I'm gonna stop
Speaker 1: doing whatever the fuck this is. And so yeah, I
Speaker 1: think that was That was my inciting event. I stopped
Speaker 1: talking to that girl and I just stopped drinking for
Speaker 1: a while until I was off the ended at presence,
Speaker 1: it was. It was a fucking bummer.
Speaker 3: I've never blacked out to the point where like I
Speaker 3: don't remember stuff, you know, like that's it. It's a
Speaker 3: that's an interesting phenomenon, Like I don't know what that's like.
Speaker 1: I remember, I remember like screenshots, you know, I got it.
Speaker 1: I have a couple of glimpses. They're in there somewhere,
Speaker 1: you know, and I could recall them to the best
Speaker 1: of my but like if I recalled them, I could
Speaker 1: get a little bit, you know. It was all of
Speaker 1: those things, like I could wake up having known that
Speaker 1: I had done that, right. But yeah, it was bizarre
Speaker 1: and I've never had that experience since, like even this
Speaker 1: past Saint Patrick's Day. I mean, I had a fair
Speaker 1: amount to drink, you know, Saint Patrick's Day, but I
Speaker 1: was like perfectly, I remember it all. It's all in here.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I will say it's bizarre. It's comforting when
Speaker 1: somebody tells you, hey, yeah, hey man, you were pretty drunk.
Speaker 1: Wasn't that fun? And like there was no there's no
Speaker 1: bad news, So like, at the very least that was comforting.
Speaker 1: But it's it's bizarre and not very like I don't
Speaker 1: know it. It doesn't feel good, I'll tell you that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, sure, Jonathan John, thanks for sharing your life story.
Speaker 3: This was cool. It's good to think. I always like,
Speaker 3: I always like a story of someone turning their life around.
Speaker 3: You know, it gives it gives it gives hope to
Speaker 3: the people. So thanks for giving hope to the people.
Speaker 3: You know, you should do a better job at making
Speaker 3: the sensors in the bathroom's work. But other than that,
Speaker 3: other than that, you're doing pretty good. Is there anything
Speaker 3: else you want to say the people of the computer
Speaker 3: before we go, Jonathan?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I guess if you're if anybody's thinking
Speaker 1: of I guess, turning your life around or whatever, just
Speaker 1: just find something you think is cool and do it.
Speaker 1: Just like, be somewhere regularly. Be at the I don't know, yeah,
Speaker 1: be at a sport, be at the mall, be at
Speaker 1: a coffee shot, just be somewhere. You'll meet people and
Speaker 1: they'll probably help you through it.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: It's it's it's it's not easy, but it is a
Speaker 1: little simple.
Speaker 3: Hey, take care of Jonathan, good luck. Yeah, man, you too,
Speaker 3: I do agree with that. That's good. Uh, good advice.
Speaker 3: That's good advice. I mean that is kind of the secret.
Speaker 3: I think the community is just showing up regularly somewhere.
Speaker 3: You know, you every want you kind of want to
Speaker 3: try to accomplish big things in one fell swoop, but
Speaker 3: at the end of the day, it's like, yeah, fuck,
Speaker 3: you gotta put in reps. Did fucking do anything? That
Speaker 3: was Jonathan. This was the Therapy Gecko podcast. Thank you
Speaker 3: all very much for listening. Thank you everyone who, by
Speaker 3: the way, came out to my trash art event. If
Speaker 3: you still want to come see it, it's on display
Speaker 3: at the Kaleidoscope Gallery two six seven Irving Avenue, Brooklyn,
Speaker 3: New York. It's on display I think until the twenty
Speaker 3: second if you want to come see my trash Thank
Speaker 3: you everyone came to that event. That was fun. I
Speaker 3: want to do more shit like that. I don't know
Speaker 3: what exactly. I don't know where exactly, probably probably still
Speaker 3: in New York, but you know I'll be doing more
Speaker 3: shit like that, So stay tuned. Thank you all very much.
Speaker 3: I shall return soon with more podcasts of talking to
Speaker 3: people and learning about life. Bye by talking to Pe.
Speaker 3: I've been a Gecko and this has been the therapyical podcast.
Speaker 3: Thank you all for listening. Hello folks, it's Lyle here.
Speaker 3: That's the end of this episode. But get this, I'm
Speaker 3: releasing a bonus episode this week. That's right, an entire
Speaker 3: extra hour of the podcast that you can listen to
Speaker 3: by becoming a premium member of Therapy Gecko over at
Speaker 3: therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. Supercast subscribers get access
Speaker 3: to bonus episodes, they get a completely ad free podcast
Speaker 3: feed of the regular show, they get recordings from my
Speaker 3: live shows, members only streams, and they help support my
Speaker 3: ability to continue doing this podcast. So here's a clip
Speaker 3: from this week's members only bonus episode.
Speaker 8: You guys would probably love each other, like, not in like, oh,
Speaker 8: you guys should get married and live a long lifetile,
Speaker 8: but more like you guys should bang it out and
Speaker 8: you know, get off my.
Speaker 2: Back with a bit.
Speaker 3: That was nice, by the way, to set up your
Speaker 3: your ex wife with your boss.
Speaker 8: Yeah, like people buy guns or buy guns. We're totally cool.
Speaker 1: We have a good we have a better relationship now
Speaker 1: than you ever get at any.
Speaker 8: Point in our marriage.
Speaker 3: That's wonderful.
Speaker 8: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, it works out well. But she
Speaker 8: got pregnant within two two weeks of even meeting him.
Speaker 8: But he can't stand her, and I understand it.
Speaker 3: If you want to hear this full conversation, you can
Speaker 3: sign up to become a Premium member at therapy Gecko
Speaker 3: dot supercast dot com, or find the link in the
Speaker 3: episode description that's therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. All right,
Speaker 3: I have nothing else to say
Speaker 8: Again, goes on the line thank you every nine goes
Speaker 8: he's teaching you in line