WEBVTT - I Choose … What’s Going Right with Dr. Paul Conti 0:00:01.639 --> 0:00:09.680 You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Hello, Hello, Hello, 0:00:09.880 --> 0:00:14.120 welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is about making 0:00:14.200 --> 0:00:18.960 choices that focus on what's going right. My guest has 0:00:19.000 --> 0:00:23.119 helped the likes of Kim Kardashian and Lady Gaga, but 0:00:23.239 --> 0:00:28.160 his method isn't just for celebrities. He has this incredible 0:00:28.200 --> 0:00:32.400 way of helping you understand yourself on a deeper level 0:00:32.640 --> 0:00:36.280 so you can actually decide what you want your life 0:00:36.320 --> 0:00:39.960 to be. I cannot wait to jump into Mental Health 0:00:39.960 --> 0:00:44.600 Awareness Month with doctor Paul Kanti. Hi, Doctor Kanti. 0:00:45.360 --> 0:00:47.880 Hello, it's nice to meet you. I appreciate you having 0:00:47.920 --> 0:00:48.240 me on. 0:00:48.680 --> 0:00:51.000 I'm so grateful that you are here today with me. 0:00:51.680 --> 0:00:54.160 Thank you. May is one of my favorite months because 0:00:54.160 --> 0:00:57.640 it's Mental Health Awareness Month and ooh do we need 0:00:57.840 --> 0:01:02.240 this awareness now more than ever. Really feels like we're 0:01:02.240 --> 0:01:06.360 in a real decline in our collective level of happiness 0:01:06.440 --> 0:01:10.640 in this world. As I read your book What's Going Right, 0:01:11.319 --> 0:01:14.360 I realized that you really are introducing us to a 0:01:14.480 --> 0:01:20.039 new sort of framework for improving our mental health. I 0:01:20.080 --> 0:01:22.959 was very intrigued by everything you were talking about, one 0:01:23.000 --> 0:01:28.720 of them being the three internal drivers, the assertion drive, 0:01:28.840 --> 0:01:32.760 the pleasure drive and the generative drive. We're going to 0:01:32.800 --> 0:01:35.920 break those down in detail in our bonus episode. But 0:01:36.920 --> 0:01:39.240 these are all new terms to me. So what in 0:01:39.319 --> 0:01:42.440 the world are internal drivers? Tell me? 0:01:42.760 --> 0:01:46.160 Yeah? Sure, Well. It has been long thought in the 0:01:46.280 --> 0:01:49.880 mental health field that there are two drives that are 0:01:49.920 --> 0:01:55.080 in every one of us. That there's what is called aggression. 0:01:55.440 --> 0:01:57.240 I think assertion is a better word, but what has 0:01:57.320 --> 0:02:01.280 historically been called aggression and pleasure seeking, and that this 0:02:01.360 --> 0:02:04.800 is in every human being and it's what's literally driving 0:02:04.840 --> 0:02:09.560 us forward. That's why their drives. And assertion or aggression 0:02:10.320 --> 0:02:13.640 is about being able to maneuver in the world around 0:02:13.720 --> 0:02:16.000 us and make change in the world around us. And 0:02:16.120 --> 0:02:20.600 pleasure isn't just seeking things that are overtly pleasurable, but 0:02:20.639 --> 0:02:22.240 it can be the pleasure of having a roof over 0:02:22.280 --> 0:02:26.160 one's head or relief from distress. So that we're asserting 0:02:26.160 --> 0:02:28.480 ourselves or being aggressive, and we're doing it in the 0:02:28.520 --> 0:02:33.600 service of pleasure of one form or another. And I 0:02:33.600 --> 0:02:37.080 think it's so clear that this doesn't make any sense. 0:02:37.800 --> 0:02:41.399 I think that if we only had aggression, high levels 0:02:41.440 --> 0:02:45.000 of assertions, aggression and pleasure seeking, that we wouldn't be here. 0:02:45.120 --> 0:02:48.240 A long, long, long time ago, human beings would have 0:02:48.280 --> 0:02:52.760 gone away, and that model doesn't explain why, for example, 0:02:53.080 --> 0:02:56.080 one person might do something kind for another without any 0:02:56.160 --> 0:02:59.520 expected benefit. The theories have to kind of gyrate and say, well, 0:02:59.520 --> 0:03:01.520 you want to feel good about yourself because you can 0:03:01.600 --> 0:03:04.400 do something good and that's your pleasure, And it doesn't 0:03:04.440 --> 0:03:08.720 really make sense right. People do things that are altruistic, 0:03:08.760 --> 0:03:12.200 people do things for other people. People create art and 0:03:12.240 --> 0:03:16.520 beauty for no reason other than to create art and beauty. 0:03:16.560 --> 0:03:20.000 That there's something else going on inside of us. And 0:03:20.040 --> 0:03:23.000 then when you see when human beings in human societies 0:03:23.000 --> 0:03:27.520 are in healthy places, the assertion drive and the pleasure 0:03:27.600 --> 0:03:31.800 drive are in balance, and they're sitting under the generative drive, 0:03:32.200 --> 0:03:35.480 a third drive in humans that I think is clear, 0:03:35.520 --> 0:03:39.000 and I think our literature and our philosophy have written 0:03:39.040 --> 0:03:41.440 about this and thought and talked about this for so long, 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:44.680 and I think it's also clear in psychology, in our 0:03:44.880 --> 0:03:47.840 history and our academics. It's clear that this exists, but 0:03:47.880 --> 0:03:51.520 it hasn't been acknowledged that there's a generative drive, a 0:03:51.640 --> 0:03:55.480 drive to just make the world a better place around us, 0:03:55.520 --> 0:03:57.760 a drive to express ourselves and to be in the 0:03:57.760 --> 0:04:01.160 world with ourselves and with others. And when we look 0:04:01.200 --> 0:04:04.280 at that truth, then everything comes into line and there 0:04:04.280 --> 0:04:07.560 are ways of understanding ourselves and now we're putting ourselves 0:04:07.600 --> 0:04:10.960 on the trajectory to healthy and great lives. 0:04:12.240 --> 0:04:17.679 Yes, your passion for what you do is incredible. I'm 0:04:17.720 --> 0:04:22.760 just so happy to be absorbing your lessons. What I'm asking, 0:04:22.960 --> 0:04:26.320 what are some tips or tools that you have for 0:04:26.480 --> 0:04:29.679 when we're feeling out of whack, you know, that feeling 0:04:29.720 --> 0:04:32.279 of just not in alignment. How do we get back 0:04:32.320 --> 0:04:33.720 into balance mentally? 0:04:35.240 --> 0:04:38.360 Well, when we feel out of balance, we need to 0:04:38.440 --> 0:04:43.200 have something to do that's repeatable, rights, something that we say, oh, 0:04:43.440 --> 0:04:45.840 I could go look at that right, and like that'll 0:04:45.839 --> 0:04:48.400 help me, that'll help you, It'll help me for the 0:04:48.400 --> 0:04:50.240 next five things that come up in me. Same with 0:04:50.320 --> 0:04:53.159 you and everyone else because it applies to humans. So 0:04:53.440 --> 0:04:56.560 just like if there's a physical health problem and someone 0:04:56.640 --> 0:05:00.240 has pain in a hip or someone's short of breath, 0:05:00.480 --> 0:05:02.520 we say, well, there's something that we do, right, we 0:05:03.120 --> 0:05:05.440 go to see someone or or here it's not necessary 0:05:05.520 --> 0:05:07.680 to see someone, but there's the idea, is that something 0:05:07.760 --> 0:05:09.800 happens here right, Like a physician asks a bunch of 0:05:09.880 --> 0:05:13.040 questions and then does a physical exam and maybe get 0:05:13.080 --> 0:05:15.600 some labs and then we say, well, let's figure out, oh, 0:05:15.640 --> 0:05:18.680 you're short of breath. Because of now we've identified a 0:05:18.760 --> 0:05:22.039 problem that we can go and fix. We need to 0:05:22.040 --> 0:05:24.640 be able to do that with mental health so that 0:05:24.720 --> 0:05:28.360 we can understand and build mental health just as we're 0:05:28.400 --> 0:05:31.880 able to understand and build our physical health. So there's 0:05:31.920 --> 0:05:34.960 a structure of self and a function of self that's 0:05:35.000 --> 0:05:38.320 in each of us and we can go there. And 0:05:38.720 --> 0:05:40.839 in the book, the idea is to explain there's a 0:05:40.839 --> 0:05:43.480 way of doing this, just like if I were explaining, well, 0:05:43.520 --> 0:05:45.160 we all have a body and we think about our 0:05:45.200 --> 0:05:47.919 heart and our lungs and our muscles. So it's doing 0:05:47.960 --> 0:05:51.400 that for mental health and that leads to good things 0:05:51.800 --> 0:05:55.919 that then help our drives be in balance. So we 0:05:56.000 --> 0:05:58.120 have to have somewhere to go and something to do. 0:05:58.160 --> 0:06:01.520 And if we approach ourselves with compassion curiosity, and we 0:06:01.600 --> 0:06:04.000 go look at the structure and function of self, then 0:06:04.080 --> 0:06:07.000 the vast majority of times we figure things out and 0:06:07.040 --> 0:06:10.440 they get better. That's why mental health isn't depressing. It's 0:06:10.520 --> 0:06:13.839 interesting to me that throughout my career people have often 0:06:13.880 --> 0:06:16.440 thought it must be so depressing to do this, and 0:06:16.480 --> 0:06:18.920 I think it's not at all. You know, great things 0:06:18.960 --> 0:06:21.880 happen and people get better and healthier, and I think 0:06:21.880 --> 0:06:23.640 if we approach it in a way that just makes 0:06:23.680 --> 0:06:26.480 sense and looks at the truth in us, it's not 0:06:26.560 --> 0:06:30.040 surprising that the results are different. Right. 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:34.080 I personally have found that self awareness and self reflection 0:06:34.320 --> 0:06:37.320 are really important when it comes to my growth and healing. 0:06:38.320 --> 0:06:40.480 Why is that from your perspective? Because I feel like 0:06:40.520 --> 0:06:43.040 it's really tied into what you were just talking about. 0:06:43.920 --> 0:06:48.560 Yeah, So self reflection, for example, is it's great to 0:06:48.600 --> 0:06:51.080 be able to do that because it's neutral, Right, You're 0:06:51.080 --> 0:06:55.240 approaching yourself without a bias, right, And what's the bias? 0:06:55.279 --> 0:06:59.520 In most people? It's not positive, right, it's a negative bias. Right, 0:06:59.560 --> 0:07:03.320 that we get down on ourselves. We're critical of ourselves, 0:07:03.320 --> 0:07:05.479 We have a negative self talk inside of us, we 0:07:05.560 --> 0:07:08.760 create a negative life narrative. Well, these things are not 0:07:08.800 --> 0:07:11.880 even true. They're bad, and they push us away from 0:07:11.960 --> 0:07:14.800 health and they also push us away from truth. So like, 0:07:14.840 --> 0:07:20.880 that can't be good. So when we do that, we're 0:07:20.960 --> 0:07:23.840 so biased that we almost like start off the quest 0:07:23.920 --> 0:07:27.280 with hindering ourselves so that we can't figure out the 0:07:27.320 --> 0:07:29.960 answer that feels worse. We get more frustrated what's wrong 0:07:30.000 --> 0:07:32.400 with me? We get more angry with ourselves. So the 0:07:32.480 --> 0:07:36.440 idea is to bring compassionate curiosity to ourselves, the ability 0:07:36.440 --> 0:07:39.440 to go, Okay, this is interesting, what's going on in me? 0:07:39.560 --> 0:07:42.560 I want to look at it. So if my performance 0:07:42.600 --> 0:07:46.000 at work has been getting worse over the last four months, 0:07:46.320 --> 0:07:48.360 and I was doing a good job before, but I've 0:07:48.360 --> 0:07:51.760 gotten a warning or to people will oh God, what's 0:07:51.800 --> 0:07:53.720 wrong with you? They're mad at themselves, or damn it, 0:07:53.720 --> 0:07:56.040 why are you doing that? And we do these things 0:07:56.040 --> 0:07:58.680 that then take us away from truth as opposed to 0:07:58.720 --> 0:08:01.840 seeing it's interesting that this happens. Right, I'm a person 0:08:01.840 --> 0:08:05.320 who values doing a good job, and I haven't been 0:08:05.560 --> 0:08:09.720 right these last four months. Why what did something change? 0:08:09.760 --> 0:08:12.800 Did something happen in there? Now we're looking at ourselves 0:08:12.840 --> 0:08:17.240 in a way that is curious and that has a 0:08:17.280 --> 0:08:20.520 framework of understanding that says, oh, we can figure that out. 0:08:20.680 --> 0:08:22.960 A lot of it becomes detective work in a way 0:08:23.000 --> 0:08:24.800 that says, oh, let's go look at that. Maybe there's 0:08:24.840 --> 0:08:28.240 a physical health incident. Then maybe something happened in life 0:08:28.280 --> 0:08:31.240 that we thought was minor or mild, but is really 0:08:31.240 --> 0:08:33.720 affecting us much more. Maybe there was a change in 0:08:33.760 --> 0:08:36.840 the job setting around that time and I didn't feel 0:08:36.880 --> 0:08:39.320 able to perform as I was before. But by going 0:08:39.360 --> 0:08:41.520 and looking at it, we can figure it out. Most 0:08:41.559 --> 0:08:43.800 of the time the answer lies in us. But I 0:08:43.840 --> 0:08:45.880 think that's okay. When the answer lies in us and 0:08:45.920 --> 0:08:49.120 we can see what it is, we can then write 0:08:49.120 --> 0:08:51.560 the situation right. 0:08:56.800 --> 0:08:59.400 So often you hear people say like, oh, you know, 0:08:59.480 --> 0:09:01.400 they do what they do or they react the way 0:09:01.440 --> 0:09:03.360 they react, and they say, oh, that's just me, That's 0:09:03.400 --> 0:09:06.040 how I'm built. But I think, like what you're talking 0:09:06.040 --> 0:09:09.960 about is even in a situation that's not like questioning 0:09:10.000 --> 0:09:12.760 something at work, but like maybe it's how you reacted 0:09:12.920 --> 0:09:16.199 in the moment, like a you know, a snap reaction 0:09:16.400 --> 0:09:18.800 or decision or and maybe you didn't handle it the 0:09:18.800 --> 0:09:22.880 best way you could. That's an opportunity to say, ooh hm, 0:09:23.320 --> 0:09:25.679 let's look at that, like why did I just react 0:09:25.679 --> 0:09:28.320 that way? I don't want to react that way. I 0:09:28.400 --> 0:09:31.000 know that's not me being the best me I can 0:09:31.080 --> 0:09:34.760 be in the situation. It's that kind of self inquiry, 0:09:34.800 --> 0:09:37.640 And you suggest that we kind of create a self 0:09:37.840 --> 0:09:42.720 inquiry practice, right, so that we can identify those moments. 0:09:43.040 --> 0:09:44.920 Yes, and I think the example you gave was it 0:09:44.960 --> 0:09:46.760 was even a better one because it's the kind of 0:09:46.760 --> 0:09:49.280 thing that happens to us all the time. It happens 0:09:49.280 --> 0:09:51.720 to pretty much any one where we respond to something 0:09:51.760 --> 0:09:54.840 differently than we would like. You know, maybe someone does 0:09:54.880 --> 0:09:56.800 something and we don't like it so much. When we 0:09:56.840 --> 0:09:59.800 say something really short, you know, to them, or someone 0:09:59.840 --> 0:10:02.000 say something we don't like, and we kind we hide away, 0:10:02.080 --> 0:10:06.040 We try and get away to understand that we have 0:10:06.160 --> 0:10:12.120 to come at ourselves with some compassion. Most of the time, 0:10:12.160 --> 0:10:13.920 it's not that it's like, oh, I did it again 0:10:14.360 --> 0:10:16.440 when you said, oh, that's me. You know, that's not 0:10:16.520 --> 0:10:19.280 a neutral statement in the person well that's me, No, 0:10:19.440 --> 0:10:21.320 that's someone like, well that's me. There's a sense of 0:10:21.320 --> 0:10:24.520 hopelessness or a sense of self criticism to it. So 0:10:25.320 --> 0:10:30.120 so often our reflexes are to see ourselves through those lenses, 0:10:30.160 --> 0:10:32.760 which is why we have to make efforts to not 0:10:32.840 --> 0:10:34.920 do that. To say, okay, I have to stop and 0:10:34.960 --> 0:10:37.880 ground myself to compassionate curiosity. I have to realize there's 0:10:37.920 --> 0:10:40.080 a way I can understand myself, so I don't have 0:10:40.120 --> 0:10:41.840 to be afraid of looking at the problem. Why did 0:10:41.880 --> 0:10:45.000 I react that way? It's okay, right, I'm gonna learn 0:10:45.040 --> 0:10:46.719 something and I'm gonna make myself healthier. This is the 0:10:46.800 --> 0:10:49.760 end of the world. It's okay. So when I do that, 0:10:49.960 --> 0:10:53.000 let me approach myself in an open way. These are 0:10:53.000 --> 0:10:55.960 the things that lead us to answers, but so often 0:10:56.040 --> 0:10:59.440 we're not finding answers. But things can get worse and worse, 0:10:59.720 --> 0:11:02.680 but we don't see is right. We're approaching ourselves in 0:11:02.720 --> 0:11:06.120 such a stilted way that we're not giving ourselves any hope. 0:11:06.559 --> 0:11:08.480 And what we need to do is look at ourselves, 0:11:08.520 --> 0:11:11.000 often as we would look at someone else and say, okay, 0:11:11.080 --> 0:11:13.760 let's just think if you reacted. Most people would say 0:11:13.760 --> 0:11:15.360 to someone else, if you acted in a way you 0:11:15.360 --> 0:11:17.199 didn't like. I don't know, let's think about it. I 0:11:17.240 --> 0:11:19.199 guess if someone would say to a friend, right, But 0:11:19.559 --> 0:11:21.480 often we can't do that for ourselves. So if we 0:11:21.520 --> 0:11:24.200 can't do that for ourselves, have a friend do it 0:11:24.280 --> 0:11:26.800 with us. Right, look at ourselves in that interested way, 0:11:27.240 --> 0:11:31.680 and boy, how many of our problems will solve? Right? Yes? 0:11:31.760 --> 0:11:35.160 Because I think when you do kind of I love 0:11:35.320 --> 0:11:37.520 inner child work, or even if it's just kind of 0:11:37.520 --> 0:11:40.600 that sense of talking to myself and sort of you know, 0:11:41.240 --> 0:11:45.360 auto like self correcting when it's necessary, but instead of 0:11:45.440 --> 0:11:47.760 doing it in a negative way, or like ough, you 0:11:47.800 --> 0:11:50.160 did it again, like this is how you do this 0:11:50.240 --> 0:11:52.439 and you keep making the same mistake over and over 0:11:52.480 --> 0:11:56.000 in your life, like to gently just ask yourself, like, hmm, 0:11:56.200 --> 0:11:59.439 is that how I want to show up and then 0:11:59.520 --> 0:12:02.040 answer that question for yourself? 0:12:02.840 --> 0:12:05.640 Right, you said, instead of doing it in a negative way. 0:12:05.960 --> 0:12:08.320 But the idea is it may be impossible to do 0:12:08.360 --> 0:12:10.840 it in a negative way, right that if you approach 0:12:10.880 --> 0:12:14.800 yourself that way, you can't find the answer. Right, But 0:12:14.960 --> 0:12:17.480 if you approach yourself in a way that's not stilted 0:12:17.559 --> 0:12:20.360 in such a negative way, then you can find the answer. 0:12:20.440 --> 0:12:23.480 So often it's a difference between success and failing to 0:12:23.559 --> 0:12:26.360 understand ourselves, which just often makes us feel worse about 0:12:26.360 --> 0:12:28.959 ourselves and you know, to feel more afraid and to 0:12:29.600 --> 0:12:32.440 sort of shy away from inquiry. So the idea is, 0:12:32.480 --> 0:12:34.760 if we approach ourselves in a positive way, like we 0:12:34.800 --> 0:12:37.800 can solve our problems, we can understand ourselves. If we 0:12:37.840 --> 0:12:40.640 approach ourselves in a negative way, it becomes likely that 0:12:40.760 --> 0:12:41.680 we just can't. 0:12:42.320 --> 0:12:44.840 So you're suggesting instead of saying, oh, you're an idiot, 0:12:44.840 --> 0:12:48.480 you did it again, you're suggesting saying, Okay, that's interesting. 0:12:48.600 --> 0:12:51.560 Let's kind of look at that, like, I think that's 0:12:51.679 --> 0:12:53.120 much more gentle approach. 0:12:53.200 --> 0:12:56.520 You're suggesting. Sure, right, I mean if I don't know 0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:58.960 how you would respond. But if I mean a group 0:12:59.000 --> 0:13:01.200 of people and I I drop something or I do 0:13:01.280 --> 0:13:04.040 something that makes me feel a little embarrassed, and someone 0:13:04.280 --> 0:13:09.000 comes and yells, you're an idiot, right, nothing constructive is 0:13:09.040 --> 0:13:11.320 going to happen, right, And I feel worse. I'm going 0:13:11.400 --> 0:13:13.720 to hide away. I feel ashamed, I feel all these 0:13:13.720 --> 0:13:16.760 negative feelings. But it's worse if you do it to yourself. 0:13:17.360 --> 0:13:19.280 I mean as bad as it would be someone else 0:13:19.320 --> 0:13:21.440 comes over and yells at at a person, we're like, wow, 0:13:21.520 --> 0:13:24.680 that's that's really not appropriate and that's really negative. It's 0:13:24.760 --> 0:13:27.720 worse when we do it inside. So how are we 0:13:27.760 --> 0:13:30.200 going to open up? We're not going to respond any 0:13:30.280 --> 0:13:32.800 better than we would if someone said that to us 0:13:32.920 --> 0:13:35.360 outside of ourselves. So we need not to do with it, 0:13:35.920 --> 0:13:37.320 or we're not going to get where we want to be. 0:13:38.040 --> 0:13:42.000 Absolutely. Maybe people don't want to self reflect or take 0:13:42.040 --> 0:13:44.240 that time to examine what's going on inside and them, 0:13:44.240 --> 0:13:46.640 because it can get so painful, because it could be 0:13:46.679 --> 0:13:49.520 so emotional. Maybe, And how would you suggest we learned 0:13:49.559 --> 0:13:54.680 to stay compassionately curious instead of just wanting to shut 0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:55.920 it all down and ignore it. 0:13:56.640 --> 0:13:59.000 Well, the first response I would give is in the 0:13:59.080 --> 0:14:04.880 example that you gave, be reflective about why being reflective 0:14:04.960 --> 0:14:07.840 is painful? Right? Be thoughtful about that? Right? Because we 0:14:07.880 --> 0:14:10.440 don't have to be afraid of sadness. Right, if what 0:14:10.480 --> 0:14:14.400 we find inside of ourselves is is real sadness or grief, 0:14:14.480 --> 0:14:16.920 say about a loss, whatever, It may be a loss 0:14:16.920 --> 0:14:20.000 of a person, or an opportunity, or just something we enjoyed. 0:14:20.520 --> 0:14:23.760 So if we approach ourselves in a thoughtful way, and 0:14:23.800 --> 0:14:28.040 I think, why is it that being reflective makes me sad? Right? 0:14:28.040 --> 0:14:30.480 It makes me feel bad in some way, what we 0:14:30.520 --> 0:14:33.720 can do is then we become curious about that, and 0:14:33.960 --> 0:14:36.720 we start looking at ourselves instead of looking away from it. 0:14:37.000 --> 0:14:39.040 They said, well, what is in there that I'm finding? 0:14:39.120 --> 0:14:42.360 Because if it's sadness or grief, we don't have to 0:14:42.360 --> 0:14:45.840 be afraid of that. You know, sadness doesn't hurt us. 0:14:45.880 --> 0:14:48.040 There are plenty of things in life that warren't being 0:14:48.160 --> 0:14:52.400 sad and when we feel sad about them were healthier. No, 0:14:52.520 --> 0:14:54.960 we don't snap at the next person or hide from 0:14:54.960 --> 0:14:58.240 something or grab for a drink. It's okay to find sadness. 0:14:58.280 --> 0:15:00.520 We don't have to be afraid of finding sadness inside 0:15:00.520 --> 0:15:02.360 of ourselves. There are ways that we can be sad 0:15:02.720 --> 0:15:05.360 that are consistent with health and happiness. We have to 0:15:05.880 --> 0:15:09.040 figure that out as human beings and anything else we 0:15:09.160 --> 0:15:12.680 find is all grist for the mill. Right do I 0:15:12.720 --> 0:15:14.520 not want to be reflective? Because is it that I 0:15:14.560 --> 0:15:17.760 find shame inside of myself? So is that I find fear? 0:15:17.880 --> 0:15:22.080 Let's look at why, because we would like, ideally to 0:15:22.160 --> 0:15:24.720 help ourselves and be healthy enough that we don't have 0:15:24.760 --> 0:15:27.960 to be afraid of being reflective because we're not going 0:15:28.040 --> 0:15:30.800 to find We're not scared of it. We're not finding 0:15:30.840 --> 0:15:33.840 things that make us afraid. So if I find that 0:15:33.880 --> 0:15:35.920 they're shame in me, let's look at that and think 0:15:35.960 --> 0:15:39.320 about why. Because it's not so healthy and happy to 0:15:39.320 --> 0:15:41.920 avoid being reflective, because when you do, you feel ashamed. 0:15:42.400 --> 0:15:44.200 We can come at that, we can understand where the 0:15:44.200 --> 0:15:47.880 shame comes from. It can all be diffused, but we 0:15:47.960 --> 0:15:51.160 have to approach ourselves with compassionate curiosity, and we have 0:15:51.200 --> 0:15:53.600 to be willing to look at ourselves, including sometimes saying, 0:15:53.600 --> 0:15:55.360 why do I not want to look at myself? What 0:15:56.040 --> 0:15:57.000 is it that I'm scared of? 0:15:57.360 --> 0:15:59.920 What is it that I'm scared of? Yes, my friend 0:16:00.000 --> 0:16:02.560 ale as a therapist, and she told me to just 0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:05.320 ask myself in any given moment, what is it that 0:16:05.400 --> 0:16:08.960 I need right now? And I think that just even 0:16:09.040 --> 0:16:14.120 starts the self inquiry process. And like speaking like you said, 0:16:14.160 --> 0:16:16.120 like speaking to a friend, or as I like to 0:16:16.120 --> 0:16:18.840 do it, like speaking to a younger version of myself 0:16:18.920 --> 0:16:21.160 or a child, because I am a mother and I 0:16:21.160 --> 0:16:23.320 have children, and the way I speak to them is 0:16:23.360 --> 0:16:26.840 so drastically different than the way my negative voice speaks 0:16:26.880 --> 0:16:30.400 to me in my own head. And I think going 0:16:30.440 --> 0:16:33.440 back to that, being more gentle and curious and compassionate 0:16:33.960 --> 0:16:37.200 is really key. And we don't do that automatically. We 0:16:37.360 --> 0:16:37.880 just don't. 0:16:38.440 --> 0:16:41.560 No, it's often much much easier to do that outside 0:16:41.600 --> 0:16:46.000 of us, where we could approach another person with compassionate curiosity, 0:16:46.000 --> 0:16:48.040 where if one person came up to another and say, 0:16:48.160 --> 0:16:49.880 I feel if I said to you her, oh gosh, 0:16:50.000 --> 0:16:52.320 I started thinking about myself. I feel ashamed. You know, 0:16:52.360 --> 0:16:55.320 you'd probably say something nice or something inquiring, right like 0:16:55.360 --> 0:16:57.080 I did. That's what we would do for someone else. 0:16:57.320 --> 0:17:00.160 But when it's ourselves, it's very different. We hirede from 0:17:00.440 --> 0:17:04.240 We feel embarrassed about the whole thing. We think it's 0:17:04.280 --> 0:17:06.320 going to show something about us that we should be 0:17:06.359 --> 0:17:08.760 scared of, that says something really bad about us. So 0:17:08.840 --> 0:17:13.600 then we we'll act differently towards anyone else than we 0:17:13.640 --> 0:17:17.439 would ourselves. And I say this fairly often, and I 0:17:17.440 --> 0:17:20.240 think it's an important thing to highlight of it. Don't 0:17:20.240 --> 0:17:23.600 make yourself special in a negative way. And this is 0:17:23.800 --> 0:17:26.480 often what happens is then we say, well, okay, the 0:17:26.520 --> 0:17:29.800 other the other billions of people on earth deserve some 0:17:29.880 --> 0:17:34.000 compassion about this, but I don't. Yeah, don't make yourself 0:17:34.040 --> 0:17:36.040 special in a negative way, and they'll take much much 0:17:36.080 --> 0:17:37.080 better care of yourself. 0:17:37.440 --> 0:17:42.440 Oh my gosh, Why are why are our brains this way? 0:17:44.520 --> 0:17:46.439 You know? One thought is that we are trying to 0:17:46.520 --> 0:17:48.919 find safety in the world. We have to have some 0:17:49.000 --> 0:17:52.600 basic safety before soer our generative drives can thrive. So 0:17:52.640 --> 0:17:57.360 that we're looking for negative things because they're they're important, right, 0:17:57.440 --> 0:18:00.159 If you know, if we're hunting and gathering in we 0:18:00.200 --> 0:18:03.040 find five different kinds of berries, and four of them 0:18:03.119 --> 0:18:05.000 are good. It'd be nice to remember that if they're 0:18:05.040 --> 0:18:07.680 nutritious and tasty. If the fifth one makes us really sick, 0:18:07.720 --> 0:18:10.800 we really better remember that. So we're built with where 0:18:10.800 --> 0:18:15.080 there's more salience around negative things. But then because of 0:18:15.359 --> 0:18:18.560 going through life is hard, right, and we're not working 0:18:18.600 --> 0:18:20.840 then to keep ourselves in balance because we don't have 0:18:20.880 --> 0:18:24.560 a way of doing that right. The mental health world 0:18:24.560 --> 0:18:26.600 has not given us a way of doing that, so 0:18:26.640 --> 0:18:28.920 that we're not keeping ourselves in balance, and then that 0:18:29.240 --> 0:18:32.600 looking for the negative gets hijacked. It gets hijacked. Now 0:18:32.680 --> 0:18:35.960 we're telling ourselves how terrible we are, so that what 0:18:36.119 --> 0:18:38.280 we stay safer. So I'm going to just bully myself 0:18:38.320 --> 0:18:40.040 till I can't come out the front door, and that's 0:18:40.080 --> 0:18:42.960 going to keep me safer. You know, these things are 0:18:43.000 --> 0:18:46.840 not they're not valid or helpful, but it's not surprising. 0:18:46.960 --> 0:18:49.600 Life is difficult that we end up there, right. We 0:18:49.640 --> 0:18:51.120 need to have a way of not ending up there. 0:18:51.200 --> 0:18:53.760 Just as if we understood nothing about physical health, we've 0:18:53.840 --> 0:19:04.120 understood absolutely nothing, we wouldn't be able to stay healthy. 0:19:04.160 --> 0:19:07.159 When you find yourself having one of those thoughts that 0:19:07.200 --> 0:19:10.679 are not helpful. What do you say to yourself in 0:19:10.720 --> 0:19:13.720 the moment, like how do you correct the course? 0:19:15.920 --> 0:19:19.800 Well, I think recognizing it often can just make a 0:19:19.840 --> 0:19:22.879 pause inside of us, so and they be realized, hey, 0:19:22.240 --> 0:19:25.399 I'm doing that, or what did I just say, you 0:19:25.400 --> 0:19:28.560 know to myself, like would you say that to someone else? 0:19:28.840 --> 0:19:31.360 You know? When I realized that, it gives me a pause, 0:19:31.760 --> 0:19:34.359 And often the pause will just gather ourselves together, and 0:19:34.400 --> 0:19:37.639 then I might say something like it's not a secret 0:19:37.680 --> 0:19:39.080 to me that I have a tendency to be really 0:19:39.160 --> 0:19:42.000 hard on myself about things if it's just reflexive, So 0:19:42.280 --> 0:19:44.239 let me realize that it's okay that I did that 0:19:44.280 --> 0:19:46.119 even though I've been working for years not too you know, 0:19:46.160 --> 0:19:49.040 it happens less, but it still happens. So what's really 0:19:49.720 --> 0:19:52.240 going on? You know? How do I really want to inquire? 0:19:52.240 --> 0:19:54.399 I want to try and learn from this so that 0:19:54.480 --> 0:19:57.600 it's better. Now I have a fighting chance of understanding 0:19:57.600 --> 0:20:00.640 myself making things better, whereas before I and have any 0:20:00.960 --> 0:20:04.040 And often that that pause lets us think a lot 0:20:04.080 --> 0:20:06.800 of things happen. It can happen in us automatically like dominoes, 0:20:07.359 --> 0:20:10.280 unless we stop and pause. So I think that's important. 0:20:10.359 --> 0:20:13.399 It's noticing something that happens automatically because you think, well, 0:20:13.400 --> 0:20:16.879 how do you stop something that happens automatically, Well, we 0:20:16.960 --> 0:20:20.040 can't in that sense really stop it. What we can 0:20:20.119 --> 0:20:23.480 do is effectively stop it if we're aware of what 0:20:23.560 --> 0:20:25.240 that is and what that feels like, and then we 0:20:25.280 --> 0:20:27.600 put a stop to it as it starts to happen, like. 0:20:27.600 --> 0:20:32.119 An interruption into that thought. 0:20:32.560 --> 0:20:34.359 So bad, right, right? So if you have that oh 0:20:34.440 --> 0:20:36.280 it's that thing I do, or I say that to myself, 0:20:36.280 --> 0:20:38.439 it's like, that's a bad feeling, and that feeling can 0:20:38.440 --> 0:20:40.680 tell us well, let me pause now, because this thing 0:20:40.720 --> 0:20:43.600 hasn't happened yet where I'm beating up on myself. It's 0:20:43.640 --> 0:20:46.760 just it's just starting, and that's a bad feeling that 0:20:46.800 --> 0:20:48.760 tells me, let me stop. Is this what I want 0:20:48.760 --> 0:20:50.480 to do? So that's what I'm going to choose to 0:20:50.520 --> 0:20:52.560 do with the next few minutes of my life. I'm 0:20:52.600 --> 0:20:54.199 going to beat up on myself and think that's going 0:20:54.240 --> 0:20:56.760