Speaker 1: I am a yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: Family Relationships. Family relationships. Family relationships related by blood, related
Speaker 1: by mine, related by heart, related by soul, related by blood,
Speaker 1: related by heart, related by soul, but also related by dysfunction,
Speaker 1: related by habit, related by obligation, related by the patterns
Speaker 1: that we saw and heard and learned by watching other
Speaker 1: family members. And even when we can see quite clearly
Speaker 1: that the patterns that we learn that the things that
Speaker 1: we saw don't work for us, we may not have
Speaker 1: the knowledge, to strength or the information required to live
Speaker 1: beyond the family relationships. And it's difficult to try to
Speaker 1: figure out how not to get hung up on the
Speaker 1: very same things that you see other people in your
Speaker 1: family hung up on. Family relationships. They're difficult, they're challenging,
Speaker 1: and they can be healed. It's going to take some work,
Speaker 1: and sometimes it's going to take your willingness and know
Speaker 1: that when you do that, they are going to be
Speaker 1: in high pisosity, but you can survive. My first caller
Speaker 1: has a very common family relationship. Take a listen. Good afternoon, beloved,
Speaker 1: Welcome to the R Spot. What is your issue, challenge,
Speaker 1: relationship dilemma that we can discuss and nibble on today.
Speaker 2: Good afternoon. My dilemma is my relationship with my family,
Speaker 2: my spouse, my friends. I feel like I have to
Speaker 2: do a lot of people pleasing, not necessarily what I
Speaker 2: want to do. Not necessarily I'm not able to follow.
Speaker 2: Like my life path, I feel like I'm not able
Speaker 2: to follow what I want to do as far as
Speaker 2: my career goes where I want to live, Like they
Speaker 2: just I don't know, they're not really allowing me to
Speaker 2: do too much.
Speaker 1: Tell me what you mean when you say not able
Speaker 1: to follow.
Speaker 2: Three years ago, I relocated from my hometown. I was
Speaker 2: pretty successful in my hometown, but it's a small city,
Speaker 2: so I kind of felt like I had reached a cylinder.
Speaker 2: So I made a you know, a personal decision to
Speaker 2: relocate to Houston, a place that's much bigger from where
Speaker 2: I'm from. And once I moved there, I feel like
Speaker 2: I became way more happier, Like I felt like a
Speaker 2: lot of the weight that I was carrying being back home,
Speaker 2: Like I lost my grandmother back home, and that's who
Speaker 2: raised me. So I just felt like I had a
Speaker 2: lot of weight for me being back home. I wasn't happy.
Speaker 2: I wasn't really happy with the relationship that my family
Speaker 2: had with one another, so I wanted to move away
Speaker 2: from that.
Speaker 1: I did.
Speaker 2: I was happy my business was going more so in
Speaker 2: the direction that I wanted it to go, and then
Speaker 2: my family called me to return home to help take
Speaker 2: care of my grandfather. So I did like that instant.
Speaker 2: I didn't think about it. I didn't question everything. I
Speaker 2: literally shut down my salon. I left my other jobs
Speaker 2: that I had in Houston, like I left everything. I
Speaker 2: left my home, my new friends, like everything that I
Speaker 2: had made for myself. I just I left it.
Speaker 1: Why did you leave everything because your family called? Why
Speaker 1: did you do that?
Speaker 2: Well? Because my grandparents raised me. I wasn't raised by
Speaker 2: my parents, so I kind of felt like I was
Speaker 2: obligated to come back and take care of my grandfather
Speaker 2: since he is the person who raised me.
Speaker 1: That was the only option you saw is to leave
Speaker 1: everything that I built and created and go back home
Speaker 1: out of obligation.
Speaker 3: Yes, who called you my mother and my aunt?
Speaker 1: And is that her father?
Speaker 2: That's their father yet?
Speaker 1: And so why didn't they do it?
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: Interesting, So what exactly is the problem because I'm not
Speaker 1: hearing the problem.
Speaker 4: Well, I'm just it's kind of what I already expected
Speaker 4: since I've come back home.
Speaker 2: I'm just I'm not happy. Everything is is gone, like
Speaker 2: all the confidence that I had gained being in the
Speaker 2: newer environment.
Speaker 5: Like I just felt like.
Speaker 2: Everything that I wanted I was finally getting once I last, Do.
Speaker 1: You understand that you are in the situation you're in
Speaker 1: because of the choice that you made, And the choice
Speaker 1: that you made was to give up on yourself or
Speaker 1: give up on your dream to fulfill an obligation. Yeah,
Speaker 1: now that was a choice because you could have brought
Speaker 1: your grandfather to where you are.
Speaker 2: I tried.
Speaker 5: They wouldn't allow it.
Speaker 1: What does that mean you? I've asked you that question before.
Speaker 1: They won't allow it? You mean the people that didn't
Speaker 1: want to take care of him, the people that they
Speaker 1: called you, wouldn't allow you to do what they wouldn't.
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 5: It's hard to explain with my family, like I'm the
Speaker 5: one that steps up and does a lot of things.
Speaker 5: But at the same time they don't I don't know,
Speaker 5: they don't want to actually give me credit for the
Speaker 5: things I do do and then do what I do
Speaker 5: do things by this move that I made that was
Speaker 5: huge to me. To them, it's kind of my not
Speaker 5: like they look at it like, well, this is where
Speaker 5: you're from, you know, it's what you should do, and
Speaker 5: just look at it that way, like what I have
Speaker 5: planned and the things that I want is not really
Speaker 5: important to them.
Speaker 1: Well, you know, beloved, the things that are important to
Speaker 1: you will not be important to anyone else until they
Speaker 1: are important to you. And when they are important to you,
Speaker 1: then you will make choices that support what's best for you.
Speaker 1: Right now, you're turning over your life to other people
Speaker 1: and then complaining about it and making them wrong. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this was your choice, so you turned it over to them.
Speaker 1: You want them to think that what you built in
Speaker 1: Houston was important when you didn't. You didn't think it
Speaker 1: was important enough to stay. You gave it up. They
Speaker 1: didn't take.
Speaker 3: It, Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: This role of rescuer, this role of people pleasing, as
Speaker 1: you say, is that a role that you volunteered for
Speaker 1: or one that you were assigned.
Speaker 2: Uh, kind of both. I'm the oldest as far as
Speaker 2: i'm the oldest child, I'm the oldest grandchild by me
Speaker 2: being raised by my grandparents.
Speaker 5: Of course they were a little older, so that responsibility
Speaker 5: role it was kind of just rolled on to me
Speaker 5: as a kid, and I'm just I've kept it.
Speaker 1: But how's that working for you?
Speaker 3: It's nice?
Speaker 1: Well, it must be because you keep doing it. It's
Speaker 1: interesting how roles that we are assigned or roles that
Speaker 1: we volunteer for, and then when we outgrow them, we
Speaker 1: don't know how to stand in the new person that
Speaker 1: we are. And I kind of hear that's what's going
Speaker 1: on for you, that you don't know how to stand
Speaker 1: for yourself, so you lean on others and then when
Speaker 1: they lean back, you get upset about it. But here's something,
Speaker 1: and I really want you to hear this. I want
Speaker 1: you to hear this. I want to say this with
Speaker 1: as much love and respect as possible. Okay, yes, and
Speaker 1: always know I'm never talking about anybody from a judgmental place,
Speaker 1: but I just want to bring sometimes you need a
Speaker 1: little cold water in your face. You ready for a
Speaker 1: little dash of cold water. Yes, okay, your mother didn't
Speaker 1: raise you and now she's asking you to take care
Speaker 1: of her father. Does that make sense to you? Oh,
Speaker 1: but you volunteered to participate.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 1: I heard you say that growing up, you had to
Speaker 1: take care of the kids and you had to take
Speaker 1: care of of the household. So your primary responsibility was
Speaker 1: to other people?
Speaker 2: Yes, it is.
Speaker 1: And how does that make you feel? That your primary
Speaker 1: responsibility in your life is to other people? How does
Speaker 1: that make you feel?
Speaker 4: Sometimes I feel good because I know that I am
Speaker 4: helping others, But a lot of times I just feel empty,
Speaker 4: like I just feel like I'm not doing anything for me.
Speaker 1: Well, you can't if other people are more important in
Speaker 1: your life than you are. And it sounds like you
Speaker 1: never grew the muscle of taking care of you. You
Speaker 1: were programmed and patterned to take care of other people.
Speaker 1: We could talk forever, but if you're not willing to
Speaker 1: do something different, you're going to stay right where you are.
Speaker 1: So I want you to hear this, and then I
Speaker 1: want you to tell me what you're willing to do
Speaker 1: about it. If you don't enjoy your life, other people will.
Speaker 1: We'll talk more about it when they come back. Welcome
Speaker 1: back to the r spot. We are continuing our conversation
Speaker 1: about the fact that other people are enjoying your life
Speaker 1: more than you are. And don't hear me saying you
Speaker 1: got to abandon your grandfather but there are so many
Speaker 1: other possibilities. What are you willing to do about the
Speaker 1: fact that other people are enjoying your life more than
Speaker 1: you are because of the choices you have made.
Speaker 4: I believe the main thing I need to do is
Speaker 4: start telling people.
Speaker 1: Uh huh, you're living the classic example of if you
Speaker 1: don't have a strong no, you will have a week
Speaker 1: yes if you say if you don't say no to
Speaker 1: the things you don't want, you won't be able to
Speaker 1: stand in the things that you do want. So you
Speaker 1: didn't say no when you were summoned back home, and
Speaker 1: now you can't stand in being back home and doing
Speaker 1: what you agreed to do. So there's a very important
Speaker 1: skill that you have to learn here and I it's
Speaker 1: going to take some work, and that is renegotiating the agreement.
Speaker 1: Renegotiating the agreement. You made an agreement to come back
Speaker 1: home and care for your grandfather. You did it out
Speaker 1: of obligation not out of desire. So now everyone is
Speaker 1: bought into this agreement that you made that you'll do it.
Speaker 1: How can you renegotiate that agreement?
Speaker 2: I'm trying say, it's hard. I'm trying to tell them,
Speaker 2: you know, I'll give you that is a year, and then,
Speaker 2: you know, I need to return back to where I was,
Speaker 2: and that's kind of where it's stuck at. You know.
Speaker 2: As soon as I get to that, then I'm hitting
Speaker 2: with all the you know, well, we just don't understand
Speaker 2: why you don't want to be here. It's not that bad,
Speaker 2: and because.
Speaker 5: I don't want to be looked bad as the bad guy?
Speaker 1: Why not? Why don't you want to be looked at
Speaker 1: as a bad guy? Bad guys pay taxes, bad guys
Speaker 1: brush their teeth, bad guys can make money. Bad guys
Speaker 1: can do everything everybody else can do. Because you are
Speaker 1: do any of the people that you're talking to have
Speaker 1: a business. People will hold you to the vision that
Speaker 1: they have of you and for you, and then get
Speaker 1: mad at you when you try to live beyond that.
Speaker 5: Yes, and I feel like that's exactly what has happened.
Speaker 1: So what are you willing to do about it? That's
Speaker 1: the question. You know exactly what the situation is. You've
Speaker 1: volunteered for the position of taking care of people. You
Speaker 1: have given them the right to limit and structure your life.
Speaker 1: You've made an agreement that you are unable or unwilling
Speaker 1: to keep and and this is huge, This is huge.
Speaker 1: You are the one who made it out, and the
Speaker 1: one who makes it out carries a lot of guilt
Speaker 1: because I'm not going to tell you that they're wrong
Speaker 1: and you're right. I'm not telling you that. I'm telling
Speaker 1: you that you gave them permission and you participate and
Speaker 1: other people making choices for you in your life. You
Speaker 1: did that, So the only way to undo it is
Speaker 1: for you to make some new choices.
Speaker 5: Right, And I agree. I think the main thing I
Speaker 5: need to do is the Giant Prize. I will do
Speaker 5: it again. To be honest with everybody.
Speaker 2: About what it is said.
Speaker 1: Well, part of it is stop explaining yourself. That's the
Speaker 1: first step. This is what I'm doing, and I'm doing
Speaker 1: it for me. I don't need your approval. I'd love
Speaker 1: your support, but I'm going to do it one way
Speaker 1: or the other. You don't need their approval. At thirty
Speaker 1: three years old, you're in the critical time of your life.
Speaker 1: It's the christ years where you get to make choices
Speaker 1: and decisions for your hiring greater good. You do not
Speaker 1: need their approval because a family tree, you can put
Speaker 1: a noose around your neck, yes, and you either get
Speaker 1: to jump off the ledge and hang yourself or you
Speaker 1: get to take the noose off. But you've got to
Speaker 1: be willing. It may not happen, but you have to
Speaker 1: be willing to lose everything in order to gain yourself.
Speaker 1: And it's hard to say that when you're talking about family,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna say to you again, you volunteered for
Speaker 1: this role, You voluntarily participated in it. You made choices
Speaker 1: that allowed them to enjoy your life more than you
Speaker 1: enjoy it. You are the one that made it out.
Speaker 1: And now you're allowing guilt to call you back. It
Speaker 1: doesn't matter what it used to be. You used to
Speaker 1: be one hundred pounds heavier than you are now. Yeah,
Speaker 1: do you want to pick that hundred pounds back up?
Speaker 1: And no, well you already did. You already picked up
Speaker 1: your grandfather, you picked up your mother, you picked up
Speaker 1: your aunt, you picked up the rest of the family.
Speaker 1: Because you don't want to be the bad guy, bad,
Speaker 1: Do you have a red dress? Do you have a
Speaker 1: really fancy, I mean, deliciously gorgeous red dress.
Speaker 3: No, you need to get one.
Speaker 1: You need to get one because bad guys wear red.
Speaker 2: Okay, and it's my favorite color.
Speaker 1: And I'm gonna hold a good thought for you.
Speaker 3: Okay, Okay, all.
Speaker 1: Right, love, thank you for calling. Best of luck to you,
Speaker 1: Bye bye. Sometimes I think that people have an allergy
Speaker 1: to the truth. If you tell people the truth of
Speaker 1: what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're seeing, they
Speaker 1: just can't hear it, can't receive it. And sometimes in
Speaker 1: our relationships, there's a truth that we need to tell,
Speaker 1: the truth that we need to speak, but we're afraid.
Speaker 1: She calls it people pleasing, she calls it, They won't.
Speaker 1: She calls it, I can't, they won't let me. But
Speaker 1: the truth of the matter is it's simply a family
Speaker 1: that she's been taught and trained to live in and
Speaker 1: live up to. And she doesn't have the muscle to
Speaker 1: do something different, not yet. Oh, but all things are possible,
Speaker 1: and my next caller is learning all about family habits.
Speaker 1: Take a listen, Greetings, beloved, welcome to the art spot,
Speaker 1: And what is your relationship, trauma, difficulty, problem, upset, break
Speaker 1: down so that we can have a breakthrough today.
Speaker 3: Okay, first, let me just say it's an honor speaking
Speaker 3: with you. So my issue with self doubt and self
Speaker 3: confidence is just the fact that I'm filled with self
Speaker 3: doubt and I have no self confidence. I think it
Speaker 3: comes from the trauma that I experienced in my life,
Speaker 3: Like my family was just filled with like violence and
Speaker 3: just like both physical and like verbal abuse. And when
Speaker 3: I was very young, they put a lot of responsibility
Speaker 3: on me to be the mediator in the family, to
Speaker 3: be the soother in the family, to be the nurturer
Speaker 3: in the family. And it felt like I wasn't seen
Speaker 3: or heard unless I was feeling exactly what they wanted
Speaker 3: me to do, and if I wasn't, it was as
Speaker 3: if I didn't matter. My opinion didn't matter, what I
Speaker 3: thought didn't matter. And so as I've grown, it's just
Speaker 3: become a situation of just like I don't know what
Speaker 3: direction my life should go based on what I want
Speaker 3: and what I feel. And each time I have like, Okay,
Speaker 3: this is what I want, it's like everyone around me
Speaker 3: is just like, oh, you're not going to be able
Speaker 3: to do it. You're you know you're not going to
Speaker 3: be successful at that, and it's like I just crumble
Speaker 3: and I don't know what to do with that.
Speaker 1: I heard you say that you have no self confidence.
Speaker 1: Is that accurate?
Speaker 4: Yes?
Speaker 1: I want to challenge that. I believe you have absolute
Speaker 1: confidence in the fact that you will fail. Yespecial would
Speaker 1: that be accu So it's not that you don't have confidence,
Speaker 1: it's just that you're putting it in the wrong place.
Speaker 1: You're putting it in the pattern that you learned. You're
Speaker 1: putting it in the pathology that you lived. So now
Speaker 1: you are doing to yourself the very things that you
Speaker 1: hold that they did to you. Can you see that
Speaker 1: I can now?
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah. So the same dysfunctional people that put you or
Speaker 1: supported you in being in the place that you're in,
Speaker 1: why would you discuss with them your vision and dreams
Speaker 1: for yourself knowing that that's not how they see you.
Speaker 1: Why do you want their validation? Why do you want
Speaker 1: their support? What will it do for you? The people
Speaker 1: that expose you to violence, physical and emotional trauma and abuse,
Speaker 1: why do you want their support. I'm not saying you
Speaker 1: you shouldn't want it. I'm just asking you, why do
Speaker 1: you want it?
Speaker 3: I don't know. I don't know. I guess because then
Speaker 3: I guess I'm so worthy, like I'm drawing a blank.
Speaker 3: I really don't know.
Speaker 1: What I just want to support you in doing is
Speaker 1: getting to the root. Getting to the root, because what
Speaker 1: happens is we get a thought and we think it
Speaker 1: over and over, even when we don't know that we're
Speaker 1: thinking it. We think it over and over, and then
Speaker 1: it gets rooted in the soil of our minds, and
Speaker 1: then it grows into a flower or a tree, or
Speaker 1: a bush or weeds. And you know, weeds kill off everything.
Speaker 1: They travel through the through the ground and the earth,
Speaker 1: and they'll kill off everything. So I think that you
Speaker 1: are war weeds. Okay, let's see if we can break
Speaker 1: down and uproot some of the things that you say. Okay, okay, okay,
Speaker 1: we'll do it right after this break. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You said.
Speaker 1: I was taught family is the most important thing. How
Speaker 1: do you define family?
Speaker 3: I define family as the people who know you best, and.
Speaker 1: I mean the people that keep telling you you can't
Speaker 1: do what you want to do, the people who are
Speaker 1: telling you that you'll fail in your dreams and your
Speaker 1: wishes because they know you best. The ones that subjected
Speaker 1: you to emotional, psychological, physical abuse, those are people who
Speaker 1: know you best.
Speaker 3: No, No, they don't.
Speaker 1: But that's what you're saying. Yeah, have they taken the
Speaker 1: time to know you?
Speaker 5: No, not me.
Speaker 1: Have they taken the time to find out what's important
Speaker 1: to you?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: So let me give you a definition of family, because
Speaker 1: I think very often we think of family with some illustrious,
Speaker 1: almost magical thinking. Okay, a family are the descendants of
Speaker 1: a common ancestor. That's what family is. People united by blood,
Speaker 1: born one from another from a common ancestor. So on
Speaker 1: your father's line, on your mother's line, those two lines
Speaker 1: came together, and then you have a common ancestor with
Speaker 1: your father, your grandfather. You know, your father, his father,
Speaker 1: his father's father, his father's father. There's a common ancestor.
Speaker 1: There's nothing in the description of family that says you
Speaker 1: have to support each other, that you need their validation,
Speaker 1: that you can't move without them, that you're obligated to
Speaker 1: stay with them. There's nothing in the definition of family
Speaker 1: that says anything about that you it's two or more
Speaker 1: people related by birth, marriage, or adoption who live together,
Speaker 1: that's it, and share a common ancestor. Right, So this
Speaker 1: whole notion of you need their support and they've got
Speaker 1: that they have to support you number one, that they
Speaker 1: should support you, number two, that they will support you
Speaker 1: number three, that's something that we made up, okay, and
Speaker 1: we'd like it to be that they support us, that
Speaker 1: they encourage us, that they uplift us. But when they
Speaker 1: start out subjecting themselves and us to physical, emotional, psychological
Speaker 1: trauma and abuse, chances are that's unless everybody does the work,
Speaker 1: that's not gonna change. I've told this story over and over,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna tell you because it might be helpful.
Speaker 1: So to everybody else is listening that's heard it, please
Speaker 1: forgive me. My brother was an alcoholic and a drug
Speaker 1: addict from the time he was sixteen years old, and
Speaker 1: he he because we too were subjected to psychological and
Speaker 1: emotional trauma in our home. I was subjected to physical abuse,
Speaker 1: both personally, meaning I was physically abused, and I grew
Speaker 1: up in a household where there was domestic violence. And
Speaker 1: so I really, through the grace of God source Creator,
Speaker 1: just was able to live beyond that. He drowned it
Speaker 1: his pain in drugs and alcohol, and he wanted me
Speaker 1: to do that with him. He wanted to tell the
Speaker 1: same old story about how bad it was, how horrible
Speaker 1: it was, what they did to him, what they did
Speaker 1: to us, blah blah blah. And I had done my
Speaker 1: work and I just wasn't there. And one day I
Speaker 1: found the courage. I don't know, must have been in
Speaker 1: my toenail. I found the courage to say to him,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to talk about that no more. I
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about that. I don't see it
Speaker 1: that way, I don't feel it that way, I don't
Speaker 1: live it that way. And if you want to continue
Speaker 1: talking about how bad it was back then, it's not
Speaker 1: going on now. So I don't want to talk about
Speaker 1: it if it's not going on now. And he said
Speaker 1: to me, you are so stupid. I said, well, if
Speaker 1: that's how you feel, then we don't have to talk.
Speaker 1: And he said okay and hung up. And I didn't
Speaker 1: talk to my brother for five years, five long years.
Speaker 1: This was my oldest brother, my hero, my big brother.
Speaker 1: But in that five years, I made a commitment to
Speaker 1: myself to live beyond the dysfunction that I had been
Speaker 1: taught to live beyond it, and even if it cost
Speaker 1: me my relationship with my brother, I want it more
Speaker 1: for myself. And it's not easy because I lost him,
Speaker 1: I lost my nephews, I lost you, my only tie
Speaker 1: to my family because our parents were dead.
Speaker 5: Right.
Speaker 1: The thing that I learned in that is that I
Speaker 1: was so wedded or married to the belief that it
Speaker 1: couldn't get better, that I couldn't see the ways that
Speaker 1: it could.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and that's exactly where I am.
Speaker 1: Right now, and somehow through grace and mercy, you know,
Speaker 1: It's like one of the reasons my brother could continuously
Speaker 1: do drugs and alcohol was because he hung out with
Speaker 1: people who did drugs and alcohol. And one of the
Speaker 1: reasons I continued to hurt was because I hung out
Speaker 1: with people who were hurting. And when I stopped, when
Speaker 1: I stopped hanging out with people who were hurting, I
Speaker 1: stopped hurting. It was magic. And it's not going to
Speaker 1: be easy. It's not going to be easy, and they
Speaker 1: are not going to agree with you, and it's okay
Speaker 1: if they don't, because the greatest, the greatest, well, I
Speaker 1: don't want to say the word revenge. But the greatest
Speaker 1: thing you can do is demonstrate to yourself and them
Speaker 1: that it doesn't have to be that way. You've got
Speaker 1: to demonstrate that. And they're not going to agree with you,
Speaker 1: and they may not support you, and it's not going
Speaker 1: to be easy, and that's okay. You must be ready.
Speaker 1: Otherwise you wouldn't be calling me, because I'm gonna give
Speaker 1: it to you straight, no chaser.
Speaker 3: And I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: Tell me what scares you about that? Tell me what
Speaker 1: frightens you about what you're hearing me say.
Speaker 3: What frightens me is being alone.
Speaker 1: It's not being alone, it's being without them. You won't
Speaker 1: be alone. It's six billion people on the planet, some
Speaker 1: of them want to know you. It's not being alone,
Speaker 1: it's being without them. Okay, because being with them is
Speaker 1: something that you said earlier, which is a habit. And
Speaker 1: habits are hard to break, beloved, Habits are hard to break,
Speaker 1: they really are, but they can be broken.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 1: So you have a habit of not being supported, You
Speaker 1: have a habit of not being heard, You have a
Speaker 1: habit of not being seen. You have a habit of
Speaker 1: not having what you want to the degree that you
Speaker 1: don't even believe that what you want is important. You
Speaker 1: have a habit of not being important. You have a
Speaker 1: habit of not mattering. So those are habits.
Speaker 3: How do I break the habits?
Speaker 1: Well, you know as a coach what I would say
Speaker 1: to you. The first way you have to go about
Speaker 1: breaking a habit is to avoid tempting situations, the situations
Speaker 1: that will tempt you to do the very thing you've
Speaker 1: always done. You said, when you I try to tell
Speaker 1: them what I want, they tell me you can't do that.
Speaker 1: You'll never do that. So you have to avoid that
Speaker 1: situation of telling them what you want. That's the first thing, okay,
Speaker 1: because that's an unhealthy behavior.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 1: The second thing you have to do is you have
Speaker 1: to prepare yourself mentally for the worst possible scenario. And
Speaker 1: we can do that right now. Okay, Okay, so let's
Speaker 1: go here. In order for you to stand up for yourself,
Speaker 1: to grow self value, self worth, and self confidence, you
Speaker 1: will have to step away from from your family. Oh okay, Okay,
Speaker 1: take a breath. So I want you to say this
Speaker 1: with me, repeat it, and complete it. Okay. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: give you a stem of a sentence. I want you
Speaker 1: to repeat that stem and then complete it with the
Speaker 1: first thought that comes up in your mind. And it
Speaker 1: doesn't have to make sense. Don't try to make it
Speaker 1: make sense. Okay. If I step away from my family,
Speaker 1: say that.
Speaker 3: If I step away from my family.
Speaker 1: What will happen is?
Speaker 3: What will happen is I will learn to stand on
Speaker 3: my own.
Speaker 1: And if I learn to stand on my own.
Speaker 3: And if I learn to stand on my.
Speaker 1: Own, what will happen is?
Speaker 3: What will happen is I could actually be happy.
Speaker 1: And if I'm happy, what will happen is?
Speaker 3: And if I'm happy, well, what happen is I'll grow?
Speaker 1: And if I grow, what will happen.
Speaker 3: Is I grow? What will happened is I can be
Speaker 3: what I choose to be and not what others want
Speaker 3: me to be.
Speaker 1: And if I'm not what others want me to be,
Speaker 1: say that.
Speaker 3: And if I'm not what others want me to.
Speaker 1: Be, what will happen is?
Speaker 3: What will happen is I'll have to figure out what
Speaker 3: I want to be. And if I figure out what
Speaker 3: I want to be, what will happen is I'll have
Speaker 3: to actually do it.
Speaker 1: Ah, And if I actually have to do what I want.
Speaker 3: To do, I won't have any excuses.
Speaker 1: Ah. And if I don't have any excuses.
Speaker 3: And if I don't have any excuses, what will happen
Speaker 3: is I will have to take responsibility for my life.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And that scares the be Jesus Oude of you
Speaker 1: because you've never been responsible for your life. You've been
Speaker 1: responsible to them and for them, and you've gotten beaten
Speaker 1: up about the things that they failed at. Would that
Speaker 1: be accurate, yes, ma'am Ah, good good for you, because
Speaker 1: another way, another thing that you have to do to
Speaker 1: break a habit is telling absolute truth. And there's some
Speaker 1: truth that you just spoke that I want to bring
Speaker 1: to your awareness that I'm afraid to take responsibility for
Speaker 1: my life, so I give myself excuses not to rather
Speaker 1: than run the risk of failing, because they have told
Speaker 1: you that you'll fail, and that's where you put your
Speaker 1: confidence in your failing.
Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: So, to break this habit of being irresponsible, because that's
Speaker 1: what it is. To break the habit of giving yourself
Speaker 1: excuses for not taking full responsibility for your power, for
Speaker 1: your choices, for your greatness. You've got to avoid tempting situations.
Speaker 1: That means the people you've got to prepare yourself mentally.
Speaker 1: You've got to tell yourself the absolute truth. You have
Speaker 1: to know what your triggers are, how do they trigger you?
Speaker 1: And see, these are all muscles like in your mind
Speaker 1: that you have to build. And you've got to exchange
Speaker 1: every bad habit for good habits. So if you have
Speaker 1: a habit of talking to them about what you're doing,
Speaker 1: switch that and don't say anything. Put it in your journal,
Speaker 1: find a friend, get a coach, get a mentor, talk
Speaker 1: to them about it. Okay, you've got to know that
Speaker 1: you'll slip back and forth. But when you catch yourself slipping, shift, shift,
Speaker 1: and you've got to reward yourself for every small step.
Speaker 1: This is a small step speaking to someone outside the
Speaker 1: inner circle who's going to tell you something different. Celebrate
Speaker 1: that you did a good thing. You did a good thing.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 1: I want you to write this down. My choices, my power,
Speaker 1: my joy are my responsibility. My choices, my power, my
Speaker 1: joy are my responsibility. Not my mother's, not my father's,
Speaker 1: not my brothers, not, my grandmother, not my auntie. My choices,
Speaker 1: my power, my joy are my responsibility. Even when my
Speaker 1: family doesn't agree. Ooh, okay, tell me what you hear
Speaker 1: me saying, tell me what you hear me saying.
Speaker 3: I hear you saying that my choice is my power,
Speaker 3: and my joy are my responsibility to take care of myself,
Speaker 3: and I can't make anyone else responsible for me.
Speaker 1: You hear very well. I'm trying set a plan, a
Speaker 1: vision for yourself. How do you want to be different
Speaker 1: a year from now? And write those things down and
Speaker 1: tell your friend about them.
Speaker 3: I could do that.
Speaker 1: Give yourself time, don't rush, don't rush, take your time
Speaker 1: and celebrate every little victory, and prepare yourself for all
Speaker 1: of them to be pissed off with you, and know
Speaker 1: that it won't kill them. Pisosity has never killed anybody.
Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am, Oh, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: All right, my love, Good luck to you. Give me
Speaker 1: a call and maybe in about three months and let
Speaker 1: me know how you're doing.
Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am, I will.
Speaker 1: Bye bye. I think the only thing that's harder to
Speaker 1: break than a family pattern is a family habit. Habits
Speaker 1: are hard to break, but they can be broken. They
Speaker 1: can be broken with honesty. The first thing you have
Speaker 1: to do is let yourself know this is a habit,
Speaker 1: and this is how the habit operates. And this is
Speaker 1: how I enroll other people to participate in the habit
Speaker 1: for me. Family habits they exist in every family. Sometimes
Speaker 1: we call them tradition. Sometimes we call them responsibility. Ah responsibility,
Speaker 1: your joy, your peace, your power, your choices are your responsibility,
Speaker 1: regardless of what's going on in your family as of today,
Speaker 1: your joy is your job. Your joy is your job,
Speaker 1: and you've got to work on it eight hours a day,
Speaker 1: forty hours a week, and your pay will be freedom.
Speaker 1: I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if
Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three
Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to
Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.