1 00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:08,320 Speaker 1: I am a yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 2 00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:20,400 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:34,000 Speaker 1: R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. 6 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:49,400 Speaker 1: Family Relationships. Family relationships. Family relationships related by blood, related 7 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:55,520 Speaker 1: by mine, related by heart, related by soul, related by blood, 8 00:00:55,600 --> 00:01:02,480 Speaker 1: related by heart, related by soul, but also related by dysfunction, 9 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:10,640 Speaker 1: related by habit, related by obligation, related by the patterns 10 00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:16,119 Speaker 1: that we saw and heard and learned by watching other 11 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:21,360 Speaker 1: family members. And even when we can see quite clearly 12 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:25,240 Speaker 1: that the patterns that we learn that the things that 13 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:30,400 Speaker 1: we saw don't work for us, we may not have 14 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:35,199 Speaker 1: the knowledge, to strength or the information required to live 15 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:43,240 Speaker 1: beyond the family relationships. And it's difficult to try to 16 00:01:43,319 --> 00:01:47,880 Speaker 1: figure out how not to get hung up on the 17 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,840 Speaker 1: very same things that you see other people in your 18 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:56,680 Speaker 1: family hung up on. Family relationships. They're difficult, they're challenging, 19 00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:02,080 Speaker 1: and they can be healed. It's going to take some work, 20 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:07,560 Speaker 1: and sometimes it's going to take your willingness and know 21 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:10,600 Speaker 1: that when you do that, they are going to be 22 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:18,200 Speaker 1: in high pisosity, but you can survive. My first caller 23 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:26,840 Speaker 1: has a very common family relationship. Take a listen. Good afternoon, beloved, 24 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:30,040 Speaker 1: Welcome to the R Spot. What is your issue, challenge, 25 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:34,320 Speaker 1: relationship dilemma that we can discuss and nibble on today. 26 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:42,480 Speaker 2: Good afternoon. My dilemma is my relationship with my family, 27 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:47,960 Speaker 2: my spouse, my friends. I feel like I have to 28 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:54,040 Speaker 2: do a lot of people pleasing, not necessarily what I 29 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:58,040 Speaker 2: want to do. Not necessarily I'm not able to follow. 30 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:01,399 Speaker 2: Like my life path, I feel like I'm not able 31 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:04,720 Speaker 2: to follow what I want to do as far as 32 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:10,120 Speaker 2: my career goes where I want to live, Like they 33 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:13,320 Speaker 2: just I don't know, they're not really allowing me to 34 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,240 Speaker 2: do too much. 35 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:18,800 Speaker 1: Tell me what you mean when you say not able 36 00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:20,560 Speaker 1: to follow. 37 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:24,760 Speaker 2: Three years ago, I relocated from my hometown. I was 38 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:28,920 Speaker 2: pretty successful in my hometown, but it's a small city, 39 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:32,160 Speaker 2: so I kind of felt like I had reached a cylinder. 40 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:36,440 Speaker 2: So I made a you know, a personal decision to 41 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:40,440 Speaker 2: relocate to Houston, a place that's much bigger from where 42 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:44,600 Speaker 2: I'm from. And once I moved there, I feel like 43 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:48,000 Speaker 2: I became way more happier, Like I felt like a 44 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:50,560 Speaker 2: lot of the weight that I was carrying being back home, 45 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:54,400 Speaker 2: Like I lost my grandmother back home, and that's who 46 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:56,640 Speaker 2: raised me. So I just felt like I had a 47 00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:59,480 Speaker 2: lot of weight for me being back home. I wasn't happy. 48 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:03,880 Speaker 2: I wasn't really happy with the relationship that my family 49 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:07,120 Speaker 2: had with one another, so I wanted to move away 50 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:07,400 Speaker 2: from that. 51 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:08,520 Speaker 1: I did. 52 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:12,160 Speaker 2: I was happy my business was going more so in 53 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:15,160 Speaker 2: the direction that I wanted it to go, and then 54 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:19,200 Speaker 2: my family called me to return home to help take 55 00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:24,600 Speaker 2: care of my grandfather. So I did like that instant. 56 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:27,160 Speaker 2: I didn't think about it. I didn't question everything. I 57 00:04:27,279 --> 00:04:31,800 Speaker 2: literally shut down my salon. I left my other jobs 58 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:34,560 Speaker 2: that I had in Houston, like I left everything. I 59 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:39,400 Speaker 2: left my home, my new friends, like everything that I 60 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:43,640 Speaker 2: had made for myself. I just I left it. 61 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:49,080 Speaker 1: Why did you leave everything because your family called? Why 62 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:49,720 Speaker 1: did you do that? 63 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:54,240 Speaker 2: Well? Because my grandparents raised me. I wasn't raised by 64 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:57,440 Speaker 2: my parents, so I kind of felt like I was 65 00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:01,760 Speaker 2: obligated to come back and take care of my grandfather 66 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:03,800 Speaker 2: since he is the person who raised me. 67 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,880 Speaker 1: That was the only option you saw is to leave 68 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:10,080 Speaker 1: everything that I built and created and go back home 69 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:11,080 Speaker 1: out of obligation. 70 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:15,960 Speaker 3: Yes, who called you my mother and my aunt? 71 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,000 Speaker 1: And is that her father? 72 00:05:18,839 --> 00:05:19,960 Speaker 2: That's their father yet? 73 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:21,800 Speaker 1: And so why didn't they do it? 74 00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:22,880 Speaker 2: I don't know. 75 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:29,440 Speaker 1: Interesting, So what exactly is the problem because I'm not 76 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:30,520 Speaker 1: hearing the problem. 77 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:35,400 Speaker 4: Well, I'm just it's kind of what I already expected 78 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:36,600 Speaker 4: since I've come back home. 79 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:40,080 Speaker 2: I'm just I'm not happy. Everything is is gone, like 80 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:44,760 Speaker 2: all the confidence that I had gained being in the 81 00:05:44,839 --> 00:05:46,040 Speaker 2: newer environment. 82 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:47,160 Speaker 5: Like I just felt like. 83 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:54,760 Speaker 2: Everything that I wanted I was finally getting once I last, Do. 84 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:58,279 Speaker 1: You understand that you are in the situation you're in 85 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:02,400 Speaker 1: because of the choice that you made, And the choice 86 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:05,919 Speaker 1: that you made was to give up on yourself or 87 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:10,720 Speaker 1: give up on your dream to fulfill an obligation. Yeah, 88 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,120 Speaker 1: now that was a choice because you could have brought 89 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:14,680 Speaker 1: your grandfather to where you are. 90 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:17,000 Speaker 2: I tried. 91 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:18,640 Speaker 5: They wouldn't allow it. 92 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,839 Speaker 1: What does that mean you? I've asked you that question before. 93 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:26,520 Speaker 1: They won't allow it? You mean the people that didn't 94 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:29,240 Speaker 1: want to take care of him, the people that they 95 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:34,480 Speaker 1: called you, wouldn't allow you to do what they wouldn't. 96 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:35,440 Speaker 3: I don't know. 97 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:39,360 Speaker 5: It's hard to explain with my family, like I'm the 98 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,720 Speaker 5: one that steps up and does a lot of things. 99 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:45,720 Speaker 5: But at the same time they don't I don't know, 100 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:50,080 Speaker 5: they don't want to actually give me credit for the 101 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:53,960 Speaker 5: things I do do and then do what I do 102 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:56,479 Speaker 5: do things by this move that I made that was 103 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:59,600 Speaker 5: huge to me. To them, it's kind of my not 104 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:03,680 Speaker 5: like they look at it like, well, this is where 105 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:07,360 Speaker 5: you're from, you know, it's what you should do, and 106 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,160 Speaker 5: just look at it that way, like what I have 107 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,560 Speaker 5: planned and the things that I want is not really 108 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:15,800 Speaker 5: important to them. 109 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:19,200 Speaker 1: Well, you know, beloved, the things that are important to 110 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:24,680 Speaker 1: you will not be important to anyone else until they 111 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:29,880 Speaker 1: are important to you. And when they are important to you, 112 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:36,160 Speaker 1: then you will make choices that support what's best for you. 113 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:41,440 Speaker 1: Right now, you're turning over your life to other people 114 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:45,800 Speaker 1: and then complaining about it and making them wrong. Yeah, 115 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:49,080 Speaker 1: this was your choice, so you turned it over to them. 116 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:52,280 Speaker 1: You want them to think that what you built in 117 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:55,480 Speaker 1: Houston was important when you didn't. You didn't think it 118 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:59,240 Speaker 1: was important enough to stay. You gave it up. They 119 00:07:59,280 --> 00:07:59,880 Speaker 1: didn't take. 120 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:01,640 Speaker 3: It, Yes, ma'am. 121 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:06,920 Speaker 1: This role of rescuer, this role of people pleasing, as 122 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:10,400 Speaker 1: you say, is that a role that you volunteered for 123 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,440 Speaker 1: or one that you were assigned. 124 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:18,200 Speaker 2: Uh, kind of both. I'm the oldest as far as 125 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:22,280 Speaker 2: i'm the oldest child, I'm the oldest grandchild by me 126 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,000 Speaker 2: being raised by my grandparents. 127 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:28,520 Speaker 5: Of course they were a little older, so that responsibility 128 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:31,520 Speaker 5: role it was kind of just rolled on to me 129 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,319 Speaker 5: as a kid, and I'm just I've kept it. 130 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,480 Speaker 1: But how's that working for you? 131 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:39,160 Speaker 3: It's nice? 132 00:08:39,559 --> 00:08:42,240 Speaker 1: Well, it must be because you keep doing it. It's 133 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:46,720 Speaker 1: interesting how roles that we are assigned or roles that 134 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:51,160 Speaker 1: we volunteer for, and then when we outgrow them, we 135 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:54,280 Speaker 1: don't know how to stand in the new person that 136 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:58,240 Speaker 1: we are. And I kind of hear that's what's going 137 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:01,080 Speaker 1: on for you, that you don't know how to stand 138 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:06,880 Speaker 1: for yourself, so you lean on others and then when 139 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:11,040 Speaker 1: they lean back, you get upset about it. But here's something, 140 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:14,440 Speaker 1: and I really want you to hear this. I want 141 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,840 Speaker 1: you to hear this. I want to say this with 142 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:21,080 Speaker 1: as much love and respect as possible. Okay, yes, and 143 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:26,560 Speaker 1: always know I'm never talking about anybody from a judgmental place, 144 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,000 Speaker 1: but I just want to bring sometimes you need a 145 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:33,440 Speaker 1: little cold water in your face. You ready for a 146 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:38,760 Speaker 1: little dash of cold water. Yes, okay, your mother didn't 147 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:42,920 Speaker 1: raise you and now she's asking you to take care 148 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:49,480 Speaker 1: of her father. Does that make sense to you? Oh, 149 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,560 Speaker 1: but you volunteered to participate. 150 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:53,920 Speaker 2: Yes. 151 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,080 Speaker 1: I heard you say that growing up, you had to 152 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:59,520 Speaker 1: take care of the kids and you had to take 153 00:09:59,559 --> 00:10:06,240 Speaker 1: care of of the household. So your primary responsibility was 154 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:07,120 Speaker 1: to other people? 155 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:08,679 Speaker 2: Yes, it is. 156 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:12,880 Speaker 1: And how does that make you feel? That your primary 157 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:18,559 Speaker 1: responsibility in your life is to other people? How does 158 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:19,680 Speaker 1: that make you feel? 159 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:25,480 Speaker 4: Sometimes I feel good because I know that I am 160 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:30,240 Speaker 4: helping others, But a lot of times I just feel empty, 161 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:34,160 Speaker 4: like I just feel like I'm not doing anything for me. 162 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:39,720 Speaker 1: Well, you can't if other people are more important in 163 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:43,160 Speaker 1: your life than you are. And it sounds like you 164 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:48,040 Speaker 1: never grew the muscle of taking care of you. You 165 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:51,720 Speaker 1: were programmed and patterned to take care of other people. 166 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,280 Speaker 1: We could talk forever, but if you're not willing to 167 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,280 Speaker 1: do something different, you're going to stay right where you are. 168 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,480 Speaker 1: So I want you to hear this, and then I 169 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:02,240 Speaker 1: want you to tell me what you're willing to do 170 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:07,640 Speaker 1: about it. If you don't enjoy your life, other people will. 171 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:19,200 Speaker 1: We'll talk more about it when they come back. Welcome 172 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:23,319 Speaker 1: back to the r spot. We are continuing our conversation 173 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:28,000 Speaker 1: about the fact that other people are enjoying your life 174 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,400 Speaker 1: more than you are. And don't hear me saying you 175 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:35,760 Speaker 1: got to abandon your grandfather but there are so many 176 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:40,000 Speaker 1: other possibilities. What are you willing to do about the 177 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:45,000 Speaker 1: fact that other people are enjoying your life more than 178 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:47,920 Speaker 1: you are because of the choices you have made. 179 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,720 Speaker 4: I believe the main thing I need to do is 180 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,520 Speaker 4: start telling people. 181 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:58,920 Speaker 1: Uh huh, you're living the classic example of if you 182 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,959 Speaker 1: don't have a strong no, you will have a week 183 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,920 Speaker 1: yes if you say if you don't say no to 184 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,640 Speaker 1: the things you don't want, you won't be able to 185 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,800 Speaker 1: stand in the things that you do want. So you 186 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:16,320 Speaker 1: didn't say no when you were summoned back home, and 187 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:20,120 Speaker 1: now you can't stand in being back home and doing 188 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:23,240 Speaker 1: what you agreed to do. So there's a very important 189 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:28,120 Speaker 1: skill that you have to learn here and I it's 190 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:32,400 Speaker 1: going to take some work, and that is renegotiating the agreement. 191 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:39,840 Speaker 1: Renegotiating the agreement. You made an agreement to come back 192 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:43,800 Speaker 1: home and care for your grandfather. You did it out 193 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:48,320 Speaker 1: of obligation not out of desire. So now everyone is 194 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:51,600 Speaker 1: bought into this agreement that you made that you'll do it. 195 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,800 Speaker 1: How can you renegotiate that agreement? 196 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:58,600 Speaker 2: I'm trying say, it's hard. I'm trying to tell them, 197 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:01,400 Speaker 2: you know, I'll give you that is a year, and then, 198 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:04,559 Speaker 2: you know, I need to return back to where I was, 199 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:07,160 Speaker 2: and that's kind of where it's stuck at. You know. 200 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,640 Speaker 2: As soon as I get to that, then I'm hitting 201 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,640 Speaker 2: with all the you know, well, we just don't understand 202 00:13:12,679 --> 00:13:15,640 Speaker 2: why you don't want to be here. It's not that bad, 203 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:16,880 Speaker 2: and because. 204 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,880 Speaker 5: I don't want to be looked bad as the bad guy? 205 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:22,199 Speaker 1: Why not? Why don't you want to be looked at 206 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:25,760 Speaker 1: as a bad guy? Bad guys pay taxes, bad guys 207 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:29,760 Speaker 1: brush their teeth, bad guys can make money. Bad guys 208 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:34,240 Speaker 1: can do everything everybody else can do. Because you are 209 00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:37,000 Speaker 1: do any of the people that you're talking to have 210 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:41,240 Speaker 1: a business. People will hold you to the vision that 211 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,800 Speaker 1: they have of you and for you, and then get 212 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:48,680 Speaker 1: mad at you when you try to live beyond that. 213 00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:52,640 Speaker 5: Yes, and I feel like that's exactly what has happened. 214 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,880 Speaker 1: So what are you willing to do about it? That's 215 00:13:54,960 --> 00:14:01,320 Speaker 1: the question. You know exactly what the situation is. You've 216 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:06,200 Speaker 1: volunteered for the position of taking care of people. You 217 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:12,280 Speaker 1: have given them the right to limit and structure your life. 218 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:17,439 Speaker 1: You've made an agreement that you are unable or unwilling 219 00:14:17,559 --> 00:14:23,240 Speaker 1: to keep and and this is huge, This is huge. 220 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:26,240 Speaker 1: You are the one who made it out, and the 221 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:29,160 Speaker 1: one who makes it out carries a lot of guilt 222 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,640 Speaker 1: because I'm not going to tell you that they're wrong 223 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:35,240 Speaker 1: and you're right. I'm not telling you that. I'm telling 224 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:41,760 Speaker 1: you that you gave them permission and you participate and 225 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:46,480 Speaker 1: other people making choices for you in your life. You 226 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:50,040 Speaker 1: did that, So the only way to undo it is 227 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:51,800 Speaker 1: for you to make some new choices. 228 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,440 Speaker 5: Right, And I agree. I think the main thing I 229 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:59,000 Speaker 5: need to do is the Giant Prize. I will do 230 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:03,320 Speaker 5: it again. To be honest with everybody. 231 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,880 Speaker 2: About what it is said. 232 00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:12,000 Speaker 1: Well, part of it is stop explaining yourself. That's the 233 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:15,680 Speaker 1: first step. This is what I'm doing, and I'm doing 234 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,880 Speaker 1: it for me. I don't need your approval. I'd love 235 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,800 Speaker 1: your support, but I'm going to do it one way 236 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:25,520 Speaker 1: or the other. You don't need their approval. At thirty 237 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:29,960 Speaker 1: three years old, you're in the critical time of your life. 238 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:34,760 Speaker 1: It's the christ years where you get to make choices 239 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:38,600 Speaker 1: and decisions for your hiring greater good. You do not 240 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:42,280 Speaker 1: need their approval because a family tree, you can put 241 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:47,520 Speaker 1: a noose around your neck, yes, and you either get 242 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,560 Speaker 1: to jump off the ledge and hang yourself or you 243 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,360 Speaker 1: get to take the noose off. But you've got to 244 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:57,960 Speaker 1: be willing. It may not happen, but you have to 245 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:02,680 Speaker 1: be willing to lose everything in order to gain yourself. 246 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,800 Speaker 1: And it's hard to say that when you're talking about family, 247 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:11,200 Speaker 1: but I'm gonna say to you again, you volunteered for 248 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:17,280 Speaker 1: this role, You voluntarily participated in it. You made choices 249 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:20,840 Speaker 1: that allowed them to enjoy your life more than you 250 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,800 Speaker 1: enjoy it. You are the one that made it out. 251 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:28,320 Speaker 1: And now you're allowing guilt to call you back. It 252 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:31,440 Speaker 1: doesn't matter what it used to be. You used to 253 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:35,400 Speaker 1: be one hundred pounds heavier than you are now. Yeah, 254 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,280 Speaker 1: do you want to pick that hundred pounds back up? 255 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:43,640 Speaker 1: And no, well you already did. You already picked up 256 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,240 Speaker 1: your grandfather, you picked up your mother, you picked up 257 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:48,840 Speaker 1: your aunt, you picked up the rest of the family. 258 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,760 Speaker 1: Because you don't want to be the bad guy, bad, 259 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:53,840 Speaker 1: Do you have a red dress? Do you have a 260 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:59,320 Speaker 1: really fancy, I mean, deliciously gorgeous red dress. 261 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:02,320 Speaker 3: No, you need to get one. 262 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,520 Speaker 1: You need to get one because bad guys wear red. 263 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:08,919 Speaker 2: Okay, and it's my favorite color. 264 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:12,920 Speaker 1: And I'm gonna hold a good thought for you. 265 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:15,200 Speaker 3: Okay, Okay, all. 266 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:20,320 Speaker 1: Right, love, thank you for calling. Best of luck to you, 267 00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:27,400 Speaker 1: Bye bye. Sometimes I think that people have an allergy 268 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:32,800 Speaker 1: to the truth. If you tell people the truth of 269 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,960 Speaker 1: what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're seeing, they 270 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:40,080 Speaker 1: just can't hear it, can't receive it. And sometimes in 271 00:17:40,119 --> 00:17:43,679 Speaker 1: our relationships, there's a truth that we need to tell, 272 00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:47,320 Speaker 1: the truth that we need to speak, but we're afraid. 273 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:51,840 Speaker 1: She calls it people pleasing, she calls it, They won't. 274 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:56,480 Speaker 1: She calls it, I can't, they won't let me. But 275 00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:59,679 Speaker 1: the truth of the matter is it's simply a family 276 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,239 Speaker 1: that she's been taught and trained to live in and 277 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:07,320 Speaker 1: live up to. And she doesn't have the muscle to 278 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:12,960 Speaker 1: do something different, not yet. Oh, but all things are possible, 279 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:17,440 Speaker 1: and my next caller is learning all about family habits. 280 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:22,240 Speaker 1: Take a listen, Greetings, beloved, welcome to the art spot, 281 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:28,120 Speaker 1: And what is your relationship, trauma, difficulty, problem, upset, break 282 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:31,120 Speaker 1: down so that we can have a breakthrough today. 283 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:33,399 Speaker 3: Okay, first, let me just say it's an honor speaking 284 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:40,879 Speaker 3: with you. So my issue with self doubt and self 285 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:43,400 Speaker 3: confidence is just the fact that I'm filled with self 286 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:46,960 Speaker 3: doubt and I have no self confidence. I think it 287 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:51,080 Speaker 3: comes from the trauma that I experienced in my life, 288 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:55,159 Speaker 3: Like my family was just filled with like violence and 289 00:18:55,320 --> 00:19:00,159 Speaker 3: just like both physical and like verbal abuse. And when 290 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:03,000 Speaker 3: I was very young, they put a lot of responsibility 291 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,399 Speaker 3: on me to be the mediator in the family, to 292 00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:08,520 Speaker 3: be the soother in the family, to be the nurturer 293 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,480 Speaker 3: in the family. And it felt like I wasn't seen 294 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:14,800 Speaker 3: or heard unless I was feeling exactly what they wanted 295 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,280 Speaker 3: me to do, and if I wasn't, it was as 296 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:19,760 Speaker 3: if I didn't matter. My opinion didn't matter, what I 297 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:23,240 Speaker 3: thought didn't matter. And so as I've grown, it's just 298 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:27,399 Speaker 3: become a situation of just like I don't know what 299 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:30,280 Speaker 3: direction my life should go based on what I want 300 00:19:30,359 --> 00:19:33,480 Speaker 3: and what I feel. And each time I have like, Okay, 301 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,119 Speaker 3: this is what I want, it's like everyone around me 302 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:37,520 Speaker 3: is just like, oh, you're not going to be able 303 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,159 Speaker 3: to do it. You're you know you're not going to 304 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:43,440 Speaker 3: be successful at that, and it's like I just crumble 305 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:44,960 Speaker 3: and I don't know what to do with that. 306 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:48,520 Speaker 1: I heard you say that you have no self confidence. 307 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:49,320 Speaker 1: Is that accurate? 308 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:50,120 Speaker 4: Yes? 309 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:54,480 Speaker 1: I want to challenge that. I believe you have absolute 310 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,720 Speaker 1: confidence in the fact that you will fail. Yespecial would 311 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:04,240 Speaker 1: that be accu So it's not that you don't have confidence, 312 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:06,719 Speaker 1: it's just that you're putting it in the wrong place. 313 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,680 Speaker 1: You're putting it in the pattern that you learned. You're 314 00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:15,720 Speaker 1: putting it in the pathology that you lived. So now 315 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:21,080 Speaker 1: you are doing to yourself the very things that you 316 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,840 Speaker 1: hold that they did to you. Can you see that 317 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:25,880 Speaker 1: I can now? 318 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:30,119 Speaker 3: Yeah. 319 00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:39,960 Speaker 1: Yeah. So the same dysfunctional people that put you or 320 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,600 Speaker 1: supported you in being in the place that you're in, 321 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,720 Speaker 1: why would you discuss with them your vision and dreams 322 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:50,240 Speaker 1: for yourself knowing that that's not how they see you. 323 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,520 Speaker 1: Why do you want their validation? Why do you want 324 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:56,800 Speaker 1: their support? What will it do for you? The people 325 00:20:57,240 --> 00:21:02,240 Speaker 1: that expose you to violence, physical and emotional trauma and abuse, 326 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:05,439 Speaker 1: why do you want their support. I'm not saying you 327 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:08,000 Speaker 1: you shouldn't want it. I'm just asking you, why do 328 00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:08,560 Speaker 1: you want it? 329 00:21:10,119 --> 00:21:17,000 Speaker 3: I don't know. I don't know. I guess because then 330 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:22,040 Speaker 3: I guess I'm so worthy, like I'm drawing a blank. 331 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:22,720 Speaker 3: I really don't know. 332 00:21:23,359 --> 00:21:26,359 Speaker 1: What I just want to support you in doing is 333 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:30,919 Speaker 1: getting to the root. Getting to the root, because what 334 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:34,919 Speaker 1: happens is we get a thought and we think it 335 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,640 Speaker 1: over and over, even when we don't know that we're 336 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,920 Speaker 1: thinking it. We think it over and over, and then 337 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:46,160 Speaker 1: it gets rooted in the soil of our minds, and 338 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:50,000 Speaker 1: then it grows into a flower or a tree, or 339 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:53,960 Speaker 1: a bush or weeds. And you know, weeds kill off everything. 340 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:56,880 Speaker 1: They travel through the through the ground and the earth, 341 00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,560 Speaker 1: and they'll kill off everything. So I think that you 342 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:03,919 Speaker 1: are war weeds. Okay, let's see if we can break 343 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:09,800 Speaker 1: down and uproot some of the things that you say. Okay, okay, okay, 344 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:22,040 Speaker 1: we'll do it right after this break. Welcome back to 345 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:26,879 Speaker 1: the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You said. 346 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:32,160 Speaker 1: I was taught family is the most important thing. How 347 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:33,800 Speaker 1: do you define family? 348 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:43,360 Speaker 3: I define family as the people who know you best, and. 349 00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:46,080 Speaker 1: I mean the people that keep telling you you can't 350 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,920 Speaker 1: do what you want to do, the people who are 351 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,840 Speaker 1: telling you that you'll fail in your dreams and your 352 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:55,840 Speaker 1: wishes because they know you best. The ones that subjected 353 00:22:55,880 --> 00:23:00,560 Speaker 1: you to emotional, psychological, physical abuse, those are people who 354 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:01,240 Speaker 1: know you best. 355 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:03,399 Speaker 3: No, No, they don't. 356 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:08,119 Speaker 1: But that's what you're saying. Yeah, have they taken the 357 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:09,880 Speaker 1: time to know you? 358 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:11,040 Speaker 5: No, not me. 359 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:15,800 Speaker 1: Have they taken the time to find out what's important 360 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:16,080 Speaker 1: to you? 361 00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:16,840 Speaker 2: No? 362 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:23,479 Speaker 1: So let me give you a definition of family, because 363 00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:30,080 Speaker 1: I think very often we think of family with some illustrious, 364 00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:36,159 Speaker 1: almost magical thinking. Okay, a family are the descendants of 365 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:43,160 Speaker 1: a common ancestor. That's what family is. People united by blood, 366 00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:50,240 Speaker 1: born one from another from a common ancestor. So on 367 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:54,760 Speaker 1: your father's line, on your mother's line, those two lines 368 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:58,439 Speaker 1: came together, and then you have a common ancestor with 369 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:02,399 Speaker 1: your father, your grandfather. You know, your father, his father, 370 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:06,119 Speaker 1: his father's father, his father's father. There's a common ancestor. 371 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,800 Speaker 1: There's nothing in the description of family that says you 372 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:13,480 Speaker 1: have to support each other, that you need their validation, 373 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:19,280 Speaker 1: that you can't move without them, that you're obligated to 374 00:24:19,359 --> 00:24:23,560 Speaker 1: stay with them. There's nothing in the definition of family 375 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:29,760 Speaker 1: that says anything about that you it's two or more 376 00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:33,479 Speaker 1: people related by birth, marriage, or adoption who live together, 377 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:39,960 Speaker 1: that's it, and share a common ancestor. Right, So this 378 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:45,040 Speaker 1: whole notion of you need their support and they've got 379 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:48,800 Speaker 1: that they have to support you number one, that they 380 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:52,199 Speaker 1: should support you, number two, that they will support you 381 00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:57,520 Speaker 1: number three, that's something that we made up, okay, and 382 00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:01,040 Speaker 1: we'd like it to be that they support us, that 383 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:04,400 Speaker 1: they encourage us, that they uplift us. But when they 384 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:13,080 Speaker 1: start out subjecting themselves and us to physical, emotional, psychological 385 00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:19,119 Speaker 1: trauma and abuse, chances are that's unless everybody does the work, 386 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:22,320 Speaker 1: that's not gonna change. I've told this story over and over, 387 00:25:22,359 --> 00:25:24,959 Speaker 1: but I'm gonna tell you because it might be helpful. 388 00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:29,480 Speaker 1: So to everybody else is listening that's heard it, please 389 00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:35,000 Speaker 1: forgive me. My brother was an alcoholic and a drug 390 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:38,640 Speaker 1: addict from the time he was sixteen years old, and 391 00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:46,240 Speaker 1: he he because we too were subjected to psychological and 392 00:25:46,359 --> 00:25:53,480 Speaker 1: emotional trauma in our home. I was subjected to physical abuse, 393 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:58,680 Speaker 1: both personally, meaning I was physically abused, and I grew 394 00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:03,080 Speaker 1: up in a household where there was domestic violence. And 395 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:10,120 Speaker 1: so I really, through the grace of God source Creator, 396 00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:16,600 Speaker 1: just was able to live beyond that. He drowned it 397 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:20,240 Speaker 1: his pain in drugs and alcohol, and he wanted me 398 00:26:20,359 --> 00:26:22,760 Speaker 1: to do that with him. He wanted to tell the 399 00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:25,720 Speaker 1: same old story about how bad it was, how horrible 400 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:27,960 Speaker 1: it was, what they did to him, what they did 401 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,760 Speaker 1: to us, blah blah blah. And I had done my 402 00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:34,919 Speaker 1: work and I just wasn't there. And one day I 403 00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:37,040 Speaker 1: found the courage. I don't know, must have been in 404 00:26:37,119 --> 00:26:44,040 Speaker 1: my toenail. I found the courage to say to him, 405 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:46,320 Speaker 1: I'm not going to talk about that no more. I 406 00:26:46,359 --> 00:26:48,800 Speaker 1: don't want to talk about that. I don't see it 407 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:50,520 Speaker 1: that way, I don't feel it that way, I don't 408 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:53,480 Speaker 1: live it that way. And if you want to continue 409 00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:57,840 Speaker 1: talking about how bad it was back then, it's not 410 00:26:58,119 --> 00:27:01,280 Speaker 1: going on now. So I don't want to talk about 411 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,600 Speaker 1: it if it's not going on now. And he said 412 00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:06,800 Speaker 1: to me, you are so stupid. I said, well, if 413 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:09,280 Speaker 1: that's how you feel, then we don't have to talk. 414 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,880 Speaker 1: And he said okay and hung up. And I didn't 415 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:16,479 Speaker 1: talk to my brother for five years, five long years. 416 00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:19,920 Speaker 1: This was my oldest brother, my hero, my big brother. 417 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:24,639 Speaker 1: But in that five years, I made a commitment to 418 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:29,200 Speaker 1: myself to live beyond the dysfunction that I had been 419 00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:34,879 Speaker 1: taught to live beyond it, and even if it cost 420 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:39,480 Speaker 1: me my relationship with my brother, I want it more 421 00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:45,960 Speaker 1: for myself. And it's not easy because I lost him, 422 00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:51,280 Speaker 1: I lost my nephews, I lost you, my only tie 423 00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:53,600 Speaker 1: to my family because our parents were dead. 424 00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:54,359 Speaker 5: Right. 425 00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:59,639 Speaker 1: The thing that I learned in that is that I 426 00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:07,119 Speaker 1: was so wedded or married to the belief that it 427 00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:11,719 Speaker 1: couldn't get better, that I couldn't see the ways that 428 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:12,280 Speaker 1: it could. 429 00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:16,439 Speaker 3: Yeah, and that's exactly where I am. 430 00:28:16,359 --> 00:28:21,919 Speaker 1: Right now, and somehow through grace and mercy, you know, 431 00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:26,480 Speaker 1: It's like one of the reasons my brother could continuously 432 00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:29,320 Speaker 1: do drugs and alcohol was because he hung out with 433 00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:32,080 Speaker 1: people who did drugs and alcohol. And one of the 434 00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:35,840 Speaker 1: reasons I continued to hurt was because I hung out 435 00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:39,840 Speaker 1: with people who were hurting. And when I stopped, when 436 00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:43,320 Speaker 1: I stopped hanging out with people who were hurting, I 437 00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:50,160 Speaker 1: stopped hurting. It was magic. And it's not going to 438 00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:54,080 Speaker 1: be easy. It's not going to be easy, and they 439 00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:58,320 Speaker 1: are not going to agree with you, and it's okay 440 00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:04,280 Speaker 1: if they don't, because the greatest, the greatest, well, I 441 00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:07,720 Speaker 1: don't want to say the word revenge. But the greatest 442 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:12,560 Speaker 1: thing you can do is demonstrate to yourself and them 443 00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:16,440 Speaker 1: that it doesn't have to be that way. You've got 444 00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:19,320 Speaker 1: to demonstrate that. And they're not going to agree with you, 445 00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:22,600 Speaker 1: and they may not support you, and it's not going 446 00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:26,560 Speaker 1: to be easy, and that's okay. You must be ready. 447 00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:30,320 Speaker 1: Otherwise you wouldn't be calling me, because I'm gonna give 448 00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:32,160 Speaker 1: it to you straight, no chaser. 449 00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:34,080 Speaker 3: And I appreciate it. 450 00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:37,440 Speaker 1: Tell me what scares you about that? Tell me what 451 00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:41,040 Speaker 1: frightens you about what you're hearing me say. 452 00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:43,720 Speaker 3: What frightens me is being alone. 453 00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:49,840 Speaker 1: It's not being alone, it's being without them. You won't 454 00:29:49,880 --> 00:29:52,320 Speaker 1: be alone. It's six billion people on the planet, some 455 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:56,400 Speaker 1: of them want to know you. It's not being alone, 456 00:29:56,640 --> 00:30:02,320 Speaker 1: it's being without them. Okay, because being with them is 457 00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:05,600 Speaker 1: something that you said earlier, which is a habit. And 458 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:11,280 Speaker 1: habits are hard to break, beloved, Habits are hard to break, 459 00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:14,400 Speaker 1: they really are, but they can be broken. 460 00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:15,880 Speaker 3: Okay. 461 00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:19,360 Speaker 1: So you have a habit of not being supported, You 462 00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:21,920 Speaker 1: have a habit of not being heard, You have a 463 00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:24,840 Speaker 1: habit of not being seen. You have a habit of 464 00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:28,480 Speaker 1: not having what you want to the degree that you 465 00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:32,640 Speaker 1: don't even believe that what you want is important. You 466 00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:35,400 Speaker 1: have a habit of not being important. You have a 467 00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:38,920 Speaker 1: habit of not mattering. So those are habits. 468 00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:41,160 Speaker 3: How do I break the habits? 469 00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:45,240 Speaker 1: Well, you know as a coach what I would say 470 00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:48,960 Speaker 1: to you. The first way you have to go about 471 00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:55,440 Speaker 1: breaking a habit is to avoid tempting situations, the situations 472 00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:58,120 Speaker 1: that will tempt you to do the very thing you've 473 00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:02,040 Speaker 1: always done. You said, when you I try to tell 474 00:31:02,040 --> 00:31:04,200 Speaker 1: them what I want, they tell me you can't do that. 475 00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:06,840 Speaker 1: You'll never do that. So you have to avoid that 476 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:11,200 Speaker 1: situation of telling them what you want. That's the first thing, okay, 477 00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:13,680 Speaker 1: because that's an unhealthy behavior. 478 00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:14,800 Speaker 3: Okay. 479 00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:17,440 Speaker 1: The second thing you have to do is you have 480 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:23,640 Speaker 1: to prepare yourself mentally for the worst possible scenario. And 481 00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:28,880 Speaker 1: we can do that right now. Okay, Okay, so let's 482 00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:33,360 Speaker 1: go here. In order for you to stand up for yourself, 483 00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:41,000 Speaker 1: to grow self value, self worth, and self confidence, you 484 00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:47,560 Speaker 1: will have to step away from from your family. Oh okay, Okay, 485 00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:52,080 Speaker 1: take a breath. So I want you to say this 486 00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:55,960 Speaker 1: with me, repeat it, and complete it. Okay. I'm gonna 487 00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:58,400 Speaker 1: give you a stem of a sentence. I want you 488 00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:01,800 Speaker 1: to repeat that stem and then complete it with the 489 00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:04,239 Speaker 1: first thought that comes up in your mind. And it 490 00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:07,160 Speaker 1: doesn't have to make sense. Don't try to make it 491 00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:11,280 Speaker 1: make sense. Okay. If I step away from my family, 492 00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:12,200 Speaker 1: say that. 493 00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:15,480 Speaker 3: If I step away from my family. 494 00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:16,840 Speaker 1: What will happen is? 495 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:24,760 Speaker 3: What will happen is I will learn to stand on 496 00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:25,320 Speaker 3: my own. 497 00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:28,880 Speaker 1: And if I learn to stand on my own. 498 00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:31,400 Speaker 3: And if I learn to stand on my. 499 00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:33,560 Speaker 1: Own, what will happen is? 500 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:41,520 Speaker 3: What will happen is I could actually be happy. 501 00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:46,160 Speaker 1: And if I'm happy, what will happen is? 502 00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:54,680 Speaker 3: And if I'm happy, well, what happen is I'll grow? 503 00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:58,560 Speaker 1: And if I grow, what will happen. 504 00:32:58,280 --> 00:33:04,960 Speaker 3: Is I grow? What will happened is I can be 505 00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:08,880 Speaker 3: what I choose to be and not what others want 506 00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:09,280 Speaker 3: me to be. 507 00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:13,080 Speaker 1: And if I'm not what others want me to be, 508 00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:14,120 Speaker 1: say that. 509 00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:16,800 Speaker 3: And if I'm not what others want me to. 510 00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:18,720 Speaker 1: Be, what will happen is? 511 00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:24,880 Speaker 3: What will happen is I'll have to figure out what 512 00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:27,440 Speaker 3: I want to be. And if I figure out what 513 00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:30,960 Speaker 3: I want to be, what will happen is I'll have 514 00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:33,480 Speaker 3: to actually do it. 515 00:33:34,040 --> 00:33:38,920 Speaker 1: Ah, And if I actually have to do what I want. 516 00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:42,320 Speaker 3: To do, I won't have any excuses. 517 00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:46,440 Speaker 1: Ah. And if I don't have any excuses. 518 00:33:46,840 --> 00:33:50,200 Speaker 3: And if I don't have any excuses, what will happen 519 00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:53,840 Speaker 3: is I will have to take responsibility for my life. 520 00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:58,000 Speaker 1: Yeah. And that scares the be Jesus Oude of you 521 00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:01,840 Speaker 1: because you've never been responsible for your life. You've been 522 00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:08,080 Speaker 1: responsible to them and for them, and you've gotten beaten 523 00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:12,319 Speaker 1: up about the things that they failed at. Would that 524 00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:22,480 Speaker 1: be accurate, yes, ma'am Ah, good good for you, because 525 00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:26,319 Speaker 1: another way, another thing that you have to do to 526 00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:30,200 Speaker 1: break a habit is telling absolute truth. And there's some 527 00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:32,560 Speaker 1: truth that you just spoke that I want to bring 528 00:34:32,600 --> 00:34:37,239 Speaker 1: to your awareness that I'm afraid to take responsibility for 529 00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:44,000 Speaker 1: my life, so I give myself excuses not to rather 530 00:34:44,080 --> 00:34:49,680 Speaker 1: than run the risk of failing, because they have told 531 00:34:49,719 --> 00:34:51,759 Speaker 1: you that you'll fail, and that's where you put your 532 00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:53,960 Speaker 1: confidence in your failing. 533 00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:55,200 Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am. 534 00:34:55,840 --> 00:35:01,680 Speaker 1: So, to break this habit of being irresponsible, because that's 535 00:35:01,719 --> 00:35:05,799 Speaker 1: what it is. To break the habit of giving yourself 536 00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:11,840 Speaker 1: excuses for not taking full responsibility for your power, for 537 00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:16,960 Speaker 1: your choices, for your greatness. You've got to avoid tempting situations. 538 00:35:17,040 --> 00:35:22,080 Speaker 1: That means the people you've got to prepare yourself mentally. 539 00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:27,359 Speaker 1: You've got to tell yourself the absolute truth. You have 540 00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:30,759 Speaker 1: to know what your triggers are, how do they trigger you? 541 00:35:32,040 --> 00:35:35,280 Speaker 1: And see, these are all muscles like in your mind 542 00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:38,719 Speaker 1: that you have to build. And you've got to exchange 543 00:35:38,760 --> 00:35:42,319 Speaker 1: every bad habit for good habits. So if you have 544 00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:44,960 Speaker 1: a habit of talking to them about what you're doing, 545 00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:48,360 Speaker 1: switch that and don't say anything. Put it in your journal, 546 00:35:49,040 --> 00:35:54,959 Speaker 1: find a friend, get a coach, get a mentor, talk 547 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:59,279 Speaker 1: to them about it. Okay, you've got to know that 548 00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:06,400 Speaker 1: you'll slip back and forth. But when you catch yourself slipping, shift, shift, 549 00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:11,640 Speaker 1: and you've got to reward yourself for every small step. 550 00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:17,080 Speaker 1: This is a small step speaking to someone outside the 551 00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:23,160 Speaker 1: inner circle who's going to tell you something different. Celebrate 552 00:36:23,239 --> 00:36:28,359 Speaker 1: that you did a good thing. You did a good thing. 553 00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:29,040 Speaker 3: Thank you. 554 00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:36,400 Speaker 1: I want you to write this down. My choices, my power, 555 00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:45,080 Speaker 1: my joy are my responsibility. My choices, my power, my 556 00:36:45,280 --> 00:36:49,840 Speaker 1: joy are my responsibility. Not my mother's, not my father's, 557 00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:56,160 Speaker 1: not my brothers, not, my grandmother, not my auntie. My choices, 558 00:36:56,560 --> 00:37:03,360 Speaker 1: my power, my joy are my responsibility. Even when my 559 00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:10,200 Speaker 1: family doesn't agree. Ooh, okay, tell me what you hear 560 00:37:10,239 --> 00:37:12,160 Speaker 1: me saying, tell me what you hear me saying. 561 00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:18,200 Speaker 3: I hear you saying that my choice is my power, 562 00:37:18,239 --> 00:37:23,520 Speaker 3: and my joy are my responsibility to take care of myself, 563 00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:28,680 Speaker 3: and I can't make anyone else responsible for me. 564 00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:36,839 Speaker 1: You hear very well. I'm trying set a plan, a 565 00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:40,240 Speaker 1: vision for yourself. How do you want to be different 566 00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:45,680 Speaker 1: a year from now? And write those things down and 567 00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:47,359 Speaker 1: tell your friend about them. 568 00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:48,839 Speaker 3: I could do that. 569 00:37:49,239 --> 00:37:53,000 Speaker 1: Give yourself time, don't rush, don't rush, take your time 570 00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:57,520 Speaker 1: and celebrate every little victory, and prepare yourself for all 571 00:37:57,560 --> 00:38:01,520 Speaker 1: of them to be pissed off with you, and know 572 00:38:01,640 --> 00:38:07,000 Speaker 1: that it won't kill them. Pisosity has never killed anybody. 573 00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:10,640 Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am, Oh, thank you so much. 574 00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:14,080 Speaker 1: All right, my love, Good luck to you. Give me 575 00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:16,439 Speaker 1: a call and maybe in about three months and let 576 00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:17,319 Speaker 1: me know how you're doing. 577 00:38:17,719 --> 00:38:19,040 Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am, I will. 578 00:38:19,120 --> 00:38:24,640 Speaker 1: Bye bye. I think the only thing that's harder to 579 00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:29,680 Speaker 1: break than a family pattern is a family habit. Habits 580 00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:32,960 Speaker 1: are hard to break, but they can be broken. They 581 00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:36,239 Speaker 1: can be broken with honesty. The first thing you have 582 00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:39,760 Speaker 1: to do is let yourself know this is a habit, 583 00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:43,000 Speaker 1: and this is how the habit operates. And this is 584 00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:47,000 Speaker 1: how I enroll other people to participate in the habit 585 00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:51,960 Speaker 1: for me. Family habits they exist in every family. Sometimes 586 00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:57,680 Speaker 1: we call them tradition. Sometimes we call them responsibility. Ah responsibility, 587 00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:03,880 Speaker 1: your joy, your peace, your power, your choices are your responsibility, 588 00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:08,600 Speaker 1: regardless of what's going on in your family as of today, 589 00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:16,520 Speaker 1: your joy is your job. Your joy is your job, 590 00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:21,399 Speaker 1: and you've got to work on it eight hours a day, 591 00:39:21,880 --> 00:39:27,640 Speaker 1: forty hours a week, and your pay will be freedom. 592 00:39:27,800 --> 00:39:30,120 Speaker 1: I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if 593 00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:34,840 Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, 594 00:39:35,080 --> 00:39:38,359 Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three 595 00:39:38,440 --> 00:39:41,640 Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to 596 00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:45,200 Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times, 597 00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:56,040 Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The 598 00:39:56,200 --> 00:40:00,160 Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 599 00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:05,279 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the 600 00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:10,040 Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your 601 00:40:10,080 --> 00:40:10,920 Speaker 1: favorite shows.