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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Sandy and Samantha brought through stuff I

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Speaker 1: never told you production of I Heeart Radio, and welcome

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Speaker 1: to another edition of Happy Hour. As always, if you

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Speaker 1: choose to drink whatever you're choosing to do, please do

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Speaker 1: so responsibly.

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Speaker 2: What are you drinking, Samantha, bubble water?

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Speaker 3: I don't know. I'm about that life.

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Speaker 2: It's a good life. It's a nice life.

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Speaker 3: What about you.

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Speaker 1: I'm still on my red wine. I'm still on my

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Speaker 1: red wine. It is a big day as we record this,

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Speaker 1: this leon New Year, am Mardi Gras, and I have

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Speaker 1: a friend coming over later. Yeah, lots of food. Trying

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Speaker 1: to prepare myself anyway. I'm still trying to recover from

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Speaker 1: getting my heart broken, from being queer baited.

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Speaker 4: Oh no, that's all right. I've made progress. I've made progress,

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Speaker 4: one day at a time, one day at a time. Yes,

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Speaker 4: And a lot of the.

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Speaker 1: Episodes I've been doing lately have been around it, which

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Speaker 1: is probably pretty obvious. But this is one that I've

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Speaker 1: been seeing play out online, and it is around situationships

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Speaker 1: and how people perceive this particular relationship and whether or

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Speaker 1: not it was a situationship. And it got me thinking,

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Speaker 1: as these things tend to do with me about my

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Speaker 1: own past relationships and how they might be perceived, And

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Speaker 1: I just asked myself. I was thinking about like my

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Speaker 1: longest running relationship, and I was like, what was I?

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Speaker 1: Am I the bad guy? Am I the one that

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Speaker 1: people would be like, You're not returning the feelings? And

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Speaker 1: so I just started to think about it. And that

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Speaker 1: line is really funny because it's actually used a lot

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Speaker 1: in this conversation about this particular queerbaiting. But I just

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Speaker 1: wanted to talk about it, and you know, I've come

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Speaker 1: to the conclusion that in this case, I was not

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Speaker 1: in a situationship. But I hesitate because people do have

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Speaker 1: a lot of different definitions for it, and so I

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Speaker 1: think by some people's definition, I might have been. Other

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Speaker 1: people other people were much more like this is what

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Speaker 1: it is, and I didn't really meet any of that.

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Speaker 2: So if you.

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Speaker 1: Don't know what a situationship is, it is a term

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Speaker 1: from like twenty tens, but it's essentially a relationship in

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Speaker 1: all ways, but name or a romantic relationship between two

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Speaker 1: people who do not yet consider themselves a couple, but

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Speaker 1: who have more than a friendship.

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Speaker 4: They usually don't last very long, but they can last a.

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Speaker 2: Long, long, long, long time.

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Speaker 1: And that's where I get kind of hung up because

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Speaker 1: some people would say, like, if you want to know

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Speaker 1: if you're in a situationship, ask yourself, did they ever

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Speaker 1: introduce you to their family or their friends? How do

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Speaker 1: they introduce you? And stuff like that. And I mean,

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Speaker 1: in the situation I'm thinking of, I certainly did like

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Speaker 1: and most people would have said, like, we were in

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Speaker 1: a relationship. I would have said, we were in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: So that's why I don't think.

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Speaker 2: We were in one.

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Speaker 1: And we did go like we made plans. That's another

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Speaker 1: thing that comes up. If you aren't ever making like

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Speaker 1: concrete plans, I want.

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Speaker 3: To say, typically those situationships are agreed upon.

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Speaker 1: That's what I thought too, But when I was researching this,

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Speaker 1: people just had a lot of different because I've got

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Speaker 1: like three definitions here, and they're kind of different. Like

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Speaker 1: one that comes up a lot is lack of commit

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Speaker 1: either one or both people are not willing to commit

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Speaker 1: to a long term relationship with the other person at

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Speaker 1: that moment, So that one was pretty common. I think

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Speaker 1: in the instance of this fictional relationship. In my relationship,

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Speaker 1: it's there was kind of a well, at least in

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Speaker 1: my personal relationship.

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Speaker 2: I've told this story before.

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Speaker 1: I feel horrible about it now, but I also had

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Speaker 1: like trauma and didn't know I was ACE at the time,

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Speaker 1: which is sort of part of the complication of it.

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Speaker 1: But the first time he asked if he could introduce

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Speaker 1: me as his girlfriend, I started to cry.

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Speaker 2: I feel horrible.

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Speaker 4: I'm laughing, but I feel so bad about it.

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Speaker 3: Did he how did he react?

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Speaker 1: He was like, oh, no, no, no, it's fine, it's fine,

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Speaker 1: it's fine, But I just and I didn't like it

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Speaker 1: just happened.

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Speaker 3: It just was a I mean, but I don't think

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Speaker 3: it's unfair that I think your emotional reaction is beyond

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Speaker 3: the normal. But I don't think it would be like,

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Speaker 3: it's not your fault, you did anything wrong.

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Speaker 2: No, I don't think it is either.

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Speaker 1: But That's why I've been like wrestling with this for days,

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Speaker 1: because I've been seeing this play out online and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: wait a minute, am I actually the one?

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Speaker 2: So I don't think it is.

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Speaker 1: But I do think that, you know, if I had

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Speaker 1: to go back and like give my younger self a

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Speaker 1: good shake and say something, it would be, hey, you're

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Speaker 1: really trying to make yourself feel something and want something

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Speaker 1: and you're scared of it, and you should ask why

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Speaker 1: you're scared of it. And we weren't good at like,

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Speaker 1: and this was I think this was largely on me too.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't good at I didn't want to have like

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Speaker 1: the serious conversations about touch about like, and we did,

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Speaker 1: but once it got beyond like handholding, I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: oh god, no, no, no, no, no. But again, I didn't

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Speaker 1: know I was wrestling with all this other stuff at

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Speaker 1: the time. But I guess there was a lot of

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Speaker 1: confusion and I would have ended and should I feel

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Speaker 1: like I should have ended the relationship earlier. But the

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Speaker 1: problem was there was a serious death in his life.

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Speaker 1: Oh that happened around the time I was planning on

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Speaker 1: doing it, And then it kind of became like, well,

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Speaker 1: I don't want I don't want to be that person

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Speaker 1: breaks up with someone right after their dad dies.

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Speaker 2: I just can't do it.

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Speaker 1: But that's like my one big thing where I really

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Speaker 1: do think I should have. But my thing was I

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Speaker 1: was I enjoyed. I liked he was a good friend,

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Speaker 1: and I liked hanging out with him. That was fine

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Speaker 1: with me, but he wanted more than that, and those

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Speaker 1: kinds of things change and that's fine too. And you know,

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Speaker 1: if people don't reciprocate your feelings, that's fine too. I

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Speaker 1: think it's sort of that like leading on and never

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Speaker 1: giving those answers or never having those discussions and never

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Speaker 1: having that communication, but a kind of getting the benefits

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Speaker 1: of having the partner without ever.

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Speaker 3: I mean, there's definitely the level of responsibility for both

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Speaker 3: because the other person has that responsibility, Like do you

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Speaker 3: like this? If things are not changing, then why are

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Speaker 3: you staying at It's kind of one of those things

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Speaker 3: and understanding your own worth or you're what you want

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Speaker 3: rather and if that's the case, moving on, Like you

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Speaker 3: need to have the strength to be able to move

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Speaker 3: on as well. If like you're not getting what you

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Speaker 3: had hoped for and also just pretending it and making

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Speaker 3: it up in your mind not the safe way to go.

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Speaker 3: You need a conversation. If you want that to be

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Speaker 3: a thing, it should be a conversation you assuming it's

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Speaker 3: also not a that becomes a both fault type of situation.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, oh yeah, And that's been kind of interesting to

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Speaker 1: see play out in this whole thing as well. But

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Speaker 1: like I guess there's also the whole idea of kind

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Speaker 1: of the reverse of what I said of you know,

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Speaker 1: you're getting the benefits of the partner without the partner necessarily.

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Speaker 1: It's like, if you really do you're so into somebody

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Speaker 1: that maybe you would rather have those scraps of that

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Speaker 1: there or none of that, and that can be really

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Speaker 1: hard to break free from. And I've been I was

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Speaker 1: in something kind of similar to that, where I was

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Speaker 1: the yuriner, we'll say, and it was that's.

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Speaker 2: The terms I've seen some amount.

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Speaker 1: And I think at the time I would have taken

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Speaker 1: that over nothing, even if that wasn't healthy for me.

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Speaker 1: And I did try to have the conversation and I

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Speaker 1: did do the very tropy half confession where I was

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Speaker 1: like feeling out, yeah, wait, and then they were like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm sure that was long in the past. I was like,

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Speaker 1: message received, message received. So I've done that too. For me,

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Speaker 1: though I was much less of a I was able

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Speaker 1: to get over that pretty quickly. But I've I was

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Speaker 1: reading stories about it today when I was actually researching

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Speaker 1: this happy hour, and people, not everybody. I won't say

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Speaker 1: it was easy for me to do it, but for

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Speaker 1: a lot of people it's it doesn't end that quickly,

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Speaker 1: and it's sort of hard to to move on, especially

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Speaker 1: if you've been friends for a long time or you're

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Speaker 1: I don't know, involved in each other's lives more deeply

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Speaker 1: than just somebody. It might be easier to kind of

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Speaker 1: cut out until you you move on. People also debate

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Speaker 1: about whether this is sort of like friends with benefits situation.

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Speaker 1: I feel like a situationship is less to fine than

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Speaker 1: friends with benefits.

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Speaker 3: I thuationship is more romantic. I feel like that. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: Like yeah, friends with benefits tholos on the down low.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's sort of that one.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, like people may know but may not know. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: as well as situationships, you're not friends.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, or are you can be, but nobody knows. Like

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Speaker 1: usually there's like I guess there's a lot of ways

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Speaker 1: it can look. That's what I learned reading about it.

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Speaker 1: But usually there's kind of a level of we're not

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Speaker 1: even going to mention that this is somewhat romantic or

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Speaker 1: there's something beyond friendship. There's something it's not not necessarily

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Speaker 1: physical or not necessarily anything like that, but this it's

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Speaker 1: like you're not just friends. There is something else and

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Speaker 1: like just not going to talk about it.

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Speaker 3: You might come around with friends, like you might actually

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Speaker 3: hang out and y'all they know, like if y'all do

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Speaker 3: partner things and then like do, but it's not going

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Speaker 3: to grow more than that. And also they're very expendable.

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Speaker 3: Friends with benefits I guess it could be as well,

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Speaker 3: but usually the friend part, I don't know, it's accordant

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Speaker 3: to who it is. Maybe he's a part of a

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Speaker 3: friend group and y'all are keeping it on the dow

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Speaker 3: low or yeah, yeah, or it may just be one

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Speaker 3: and the same and one one term came out of

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Speaker 3: the other. So friends with benefits came first with like

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Speaker 3: buddies type of conversation. Yeah, and then it grew into

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Speaker 3: situations because it was deeper than a buddy.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but.

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Speaker 3: It's still not quite there. And again I still thought

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Speaker 3: it was a mutual thing, same thing with a fuddy.

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Speaker 1: It can be, but not always it's well, at least

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Speaker 1: there's usually a slight power dynamic of the one person

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Speaker 1: that is, like I can read Yeah, well, like I said,

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Speaker 1: I was reading about it today. I saw a lot

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Speaker 1: of different things and maybe that's why I'm still kind

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Speaker 1: of like.

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Speaker 4: Wait, was I what was I doing. I think I was.

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Speaker 1: I did accidentally introduce the mester with my friend once, but.

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Speaker 2: That was a mistake.

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Speaker 4: That was a mistake, and I apologized. I feel like

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Speaker 4: I'm going through all my like own dirty launcher.

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Speaker 3: A lot of your stuff has not more dude with

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Speaker 3: like miscommunications, naivety and blissful ignorance.

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Speaker 2: Avoidance to.

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Speaker 3: Like a lot of trauma. So like there's a lot

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Speaker 3: to that level of like, oh and you just kind

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Speaker 3: of stumbled upon a situation where dude is like, no,

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Speaker 3: this is what's happening. You're like, uh, okay, I guess sure.

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Speaker 1: We have reo were friends. You told me you were

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Speaker 1: moving away, and I was like, oh no, good long,

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Speaker 1: No you're not weird.

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Speaker 4: Okay.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: It was a mess, And that's why I think all

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Speaker 1: of this is kind of confusing and messy. And that's

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Speaker 1: sort of the thing I think about a situationship. As

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Speaker 1: I said, I personally, after doing this reflecting, don't think

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Speaker 1: I was in one. But I was in a relationship

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Speaker 1: where I believe some people online might be able.

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Speaker 2: To argue that I was.

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Speaker 1: I think I was in a relationship that was just

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Speaker 1: we wanted different things, and.

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Speaker 2: I can at least say for myself.

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Speaker 1: I was very confused about a lot that was going

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Speaker 1: on in myself. And I'm also I'm learning this stuff

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Speaker 1: all the time. I also put a note in here.

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Speaker 1: I put a note here too about you were the

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Speaker 1: one that who taught me? Was it dtr what was

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Speaker 1: the term to find the relationship?

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Speaker 3: Finding the relationship? I thought I had talked about situation

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Speaker 3: shows before too.

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Speaker 4: I've heard about it. I just I just have seen

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Speaker 4: it a lot lately.

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Speaker 3: So I thought we had because we also talked about

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Speaker 3: cuffing season. Yes, we talked. We've talked about a few things, y'all.

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Speaker 3: I really thought we had. But like situationship is a

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Speaker 3: newer term for sure, Like it came in the last

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Speaker 3: you timed it timeline in a minute ago. Uh, it's newer.

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Speaker 3: Like again, I think came in a replacement of but

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Speaker 3: understanding that is a little deeper mm hmm than just

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Speaker 3: friends with benefits.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think that I think it's evolved over

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Speaker 1: time what it meant, because I feel like I had

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Speaker 1: the understanding at first that it meant that you just

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Speaker 1: kind of fell into a relationship with somebody.

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Speaker 2: I don't know. I thought it was more.

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Speaker 1: Of a like accidental wolves for in a relationship kind

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Speaker 1: of thing.

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Speaker 2: Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm thinking of another term.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, no, that's that's not how I situationship is when

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Speaker 3: people like just casually like So my situationship we're not together,

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Speaker 3: but we do sleep together, and we're not anything but romantic.

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Speaker 3: If anything else wants to be more like that, I've

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Speaker 3: heard it in that context.

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Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, that makes sense. I saw it painted that

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Speaker 1: way too. I think people are just have different interpretations

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Speaker 1: of it.

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Speaker 3: And yeah, obviously I think of it as a loosely

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Speaker 3: adult based, consensual thing before the fact, and it may

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Speaker 3: not be true. Like one side might say, yeah, this

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Speaker 3: is absolutely that, but want more and hope for more, yeah,

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Speaker 3: even though they were told straight up no, this is

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Speaker 3: not gonna be. But they really think they can talk

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Speaker 3: their way into this.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, or they just never discussed it at all.

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Speaker 1: Right, Yeah, Well, I continue to learn a lot through

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Speaker 1: all of us, and I shall report back with more.

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Speaker 3: I'm sure I'll do more analysis and bring it back

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Speaker 3: to us.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm still thinking by the cogs are still turning.

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Speaker 3: I like it. I really want application here.

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Speaker 1: I really hope my excessn't listen to this just because

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Speaker 1: like he's the type who would have somebody who would

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Speaker 1: listen for him, like he wouldn't do it and say.

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Speaker 2: If I'm talking to you, I hope not. I don't

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Speaker 2: think so. I doubt it too.

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Speaker 3: Better people don't be better.

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Speaker 2: That would hurt.

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Speaker 3: We all grow, we all go.

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Speaker 2: Yes, and I am sorry for what it's worth or

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Speaker 2: what it's worth anyway.

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Speaker 1: Listeners would love to hear from you if you have

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Speaker 1: any thoughts on this very messy situation. Yes, you can

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Speaker 1: email us at Hello at stuff Onnever Told You dot com.

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Speaker 1: You can find us on Blue skytt Mom Stuff podcast,

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Speaker 1: or on Instagram and TikTok at stuff when Never Told You.

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Speaker 1: We're also on YouTube. We have some merchandise at Common Bureau,

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Speaker 1: and we have a book you can get wherever you

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Speaker 1: get your books. Thanks as always too our super duce

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Speaker 1: Christina or executive produce my er contributor Joey. Thank you

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Speaker 1: and thanks to you for listening. Stuff I Never Told

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Speaker 1: You is projection by Heart Radio. For more podcasts from

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Speaker 1: my heart Radio, you can check out the heart Radio

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