WEBVTT - Finding Your Inner Mama Bear w/ Whitney Port 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:08.480 How everybody, and welcome back to Katie's Crib. In this episode, 0:00:08.480 --> 0:00:10.680 we are going to tackle a very big topic that 0:00:10.720 --> 0:00:13.000 we've covered, like in small ways throughout some of our 0:00:13.000 --> 0:00:16.320 earlier episodes. Here it is you, guys, what does it 0:00:16.400 --> 0:00:18.720 mean to be a mom? When our baby was born? 0:00:19.840 --> 0:00:23.120 So we're our identities as moms, they were also born, 0:00:23.160 --> 0:00:25.280 and a lot of baggage comes with that. There are 0:00:25.320 --> 0:00:27.720 so many expectations for what kind of mom we're supposed 0:00:27.760 --> 0:00:30.160 to be like based on society and culture and our 0:00:30.200 --> 0:00:32.519 relationship with our own moms and our own mother figures. 0:00:32.560 --> 0:00:35.400 And it is wonderful and scary and super exciting journey. Yes, 0:00:35.400 --> 0:00:37.640 and it will probably well, it's never gonna end. We 0:00:37.640 --> 0:00:39.639 know that this journey isn't we're gonna end. So we're 0:00:39.640 --> 0:00:43.479 gonna talk about the ideas of maternal instinct, like finding 0:00:43.520 --> 0:00:46.200 your inner mama bear and asserting yourself as a new 0:00:46.240 --> 0:00:49.360 mom and then a mom that's like not so new, 0:00:49.440 --> 0:00:51.280 You're just a mom, that's your new identity out in 0:00:51.280 --> 0:00:54.080 the world. Whitney Port is here today to talk about 0:00:54.080 --> 0:00:56.800 this and her own experiences as a first time mom. 0:00:57.040 --> 0:01:04.319 Welcome to Katie's cripor I am a huge fan. Thank you. 0:01:05.000 --> 0:01:07.200 The Hills in the City may have been the first 0:01:07.360 --> 0:01:10.679 reality television show my husband and I really sunk our 0:01:10.720 --> 0:01:14.600 teeth in. Really, I watched so many reality TV. I 0:01:14.600 --> 0:01:16.480 mean I used to when I was younger, and I 0:01:16.520 --> 0:01:19.520 still do now. So it's funny that I actually ended 0:01:19.640 --> 0:01:22.320 up on a reality TV show. Like I got a 0:01:22.520 --> 0:01:26.680 whole podcast for a hundred hours. My husband's like, why 0:01:26.680 --> 0:01:28.880 are you talking about mom? Shit? Can you just talk 0:01:28.920 --> 0:01:31.280 about The Hills in the City and with the Port. 0:01:31.720 --> 0:01:35.240 I can't believe right now as much as you want, seriously, 0:01:35.440 --> 0:01:38.680 but I have a real thing with reality where like 0:01:39.840 --> 0:01:43.040 I guess because um, I just they always used to 0:01:43.040 --> 0:01:44.800 make fun of me at ABC scandal events, like when 0:01:44.800 --> 0:01:47.440 the Bachelor and Bachelorette were there, I would lose my ship. 0:01:47.600 --> 0:01:50.160 It's like it's like Brad Pitt could be there and 0:01:50.160 --> 0:01:52.520 I wouldn't give two ships. But like, oh my god, 0:01:52.680 --> 0:01:55.080 like a reality television like that is a superstar to 0:01:56.920 --> 0:01:58.640 and I watch you and you're in my living room 0:01:58.680 --> 0:01:59.960 and I like know who you are as a person, 0:02:00.080 --> 0:02:02.840 but I kind of don't. Yeah, there's like a weird 0:02:02.960 --> 0:02:05.400 level of intimacy you have with these people where you 0:02:05.400 --> 0:02:08.679 feel like you know them, so I feel the same way. 0:02:08.720 --> 0:02:12.200 I mean, I remember seeing someone from h on TV 0:02:12.400 --> 0:02:15.720 is the challenge you watch that show Real World? Okay, 0:02:15.800 --> 0:02:18.760 so I ustill watch that chow but forever, And like 0:02:18.840 --> 0:02:21.639 I remember seeing someone that was like a show staple 0:02:22.200 --> 0:02:25.120 and I've freaked out. I was like, oh my god, 0:02:25.200 --> 0:02:27.440 I would so much rather be seeing this person and 0:02:27.480 --> 0:02:29.280 go up and going up and say eye to them 0:02:29.320 --> 0:02:33.240 than like, you know, Kate Blanchet or yeah, like that's okay, 0:02:33.440 --> 0:02:35.880 Like I maybe want to see what her skin looks like, 0:02:36.080 --> 0:02:38.280 but like other than that, I'm never going to go 0:02:38.360 --> 0:02:42.960 have a conversation. Yeah, you and I actually have we 0:02:43.040 --> 0:02:46.560 both have suns, yes, and they're kind of the same age. Yeah, 0:02:46.680 --> 0:02:51.919 pretty much. Let's go back in chimes to um when 0:02:52.000 --> 0:02:55.240 you were pregnant, Like how did you feel about becoming 0:02:55.280 --> 0:02:57.760 a mom? Were you excited? Were you scared? You? Was 0:02:57.800 --> 0:03:00.880 it something you always wanted to do? It was not 0:03:01.040 --> 0:03:04.480 something that I always wanted to do, but because my 0:03:04.600 --> 0:03:07.519 husband really wanted it and I kind of like I 0:03:07.680 --> 0:03:11.280 thought I wanted it, we just decided let's go for it. 0:03:11.320 --> 0:03:14.880 But I didn't really realize like how fast it was 0:03:14.919 --> 0:03:19.880 going to happen, even though I understand science and biology. Um, Like, 0:03:20.040 --> 0:03:23.919 I went off my birth control and thought in my head, 0:03:23.919 --> 0:03:26.280 I was like, oh, six months a year, like I 0:03:26.360 --> 0:03:29.600 have some time. Literally within two months, I was pregnant 0:03:29.639 --> 0:03:33.480 and I was just like, I was shocked. I was scared. 0:03:33.680 --> 0:03:37.200 I was like, is this even what I really want? 0:03:37.320 --> 0:03:40.240 And honestly kind of scared to even tell my husband 0:03:40.240 --> 0:03:43.840 that because we had made the decision together already, so 0:03:43.880 --> 0:03:45.560 it was kind of too late for me to just 0:03:45.600 --> 0:03:47.800 go back on it, especially when he was the one 0:03:47.840 --> 0:03:50.720 that found the stick that said I'm pregnant and I 0:03:50.760 --> 0:03:55.480 saw his eyes light up, and so, yeah, it was. 0:03:56.360 --> 0:04:01.560 It was really really intense for me, like really throughout 0:04:01.560 --> 0:04:03.800 my whole pregnancy, it was the whole you were You 0:04:03.840 --> 0:04:06.000 were nervous, you didn't know if this was what you 0:04:06.000 --> 0:04:09.200 were I kind of had a similar situation where I 0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:11.640 just was so I was scared too. My husband wanted it. 0:04:11.720 --> 0:04:15.000 I was like, I mean, I guess, you know, and 0:04:15.040 --> 0:04:16.840 I sort of left it in fate's hands and it 0:04:16.920 --> 0:04:21.440 was I was so I was completely terrified. Um, did 0:04:21.480 --> 0:04:24.560 you enjoy your pregnancy? Like did you have a good pregnancy? 0:04:24.680 --> 0:04:27.599 Were you did you did the ten months of being pregnant. 0:04:27.760 --> 0:04:29.320 Was that enough time for you to wrap your brain 0:04:29.360 --> 0:04:31.240 around it or was it like not until you met 0:04:31.279 --> 0:04:35.040 your son? So I actually hit me. It wasn't until 0:04:35.120 --> 0:04:37.560 I met my son that it hit me. I also 0:04:37.640 --> 0:04:39.240 chose not to find out if it was a boy 0:04:39.320 --> 0:04:42.880 or a girl. Oh my god, how cool. So it 0:04:43.000 --> 0:04:46.680 was really cool, but it also created this level of 0:04:46.720 --> 0:04:51.120 like the unknown where I couldn't I wasn't attached to 0:04:51.279 --> 0:04:53.800 it because I couldn't picture it. We didn't have it 0:04:54.000 --> 0:04:57.120 like the name. So part of me feels like, wow, 0:04:57.120 --> 0:04:59.200 it was really fun and a fun surprise, and like 0:04:59.400 --> 0:05:01.440 maybe I do it again if I do decide to 0:05:01.440 --> 0:05:04.040 have another kid. At Also, I don't know, like maybe 0:05:04.080 --> 0:05:06.320 I did a disservice to myself to not have Like 0:05:06.800 --> 0:05:10.080 I tried to connect with you, you weren't. I was. 0:05:10.160 --> 0:05:14.039 So I found out the sex um mostly because I 0:05:14.120 --> 0:05:17.400 wanted a girl so bad. Did yeah, and I didn't 0:05:17.400 --> 0:05:21.159 care great. But then when I saw the boy come out, 0:05:21.240 --> 0:05:24.440 I saw his bright red testicle, I was actually like 0:05:24.640 --> 0:05:28.120 so relieved, like I was really like, oh my god, 0:05:28.200 --> 0:05:30.839 kind of thank god. And that's when I knew I'm 0:05:30.880 --> 0:05:34.359 like that I obviously wanted a boy, but I didn't know. Yeah, 0:05:34.400 --> 0:05:36.880 I opened up an envelope that he was a boy, 0:05:36.920 --> 0:05:38.960 and I started sobbing, and I was like, oh shit, 0:05:39.120 --> 0:05:41.600 I really wanted a girl. So I was kind of 0:05:41.600 --> 0:05:43.800 relieved I found out only because I was able to 0:05:43.920 --> 0:05:47.000 change the narrative and start imagining what life would want, 0:05:47.360 --> 0:05:49.840 my family will look like with a son. Yeah. I 0:05:49.880 --> 0:05:52.120 had a friend that decided to do a gender reveal 0:05:52.360 --> 0:05:54.680 at a baby shower, at her baby shower, and she 0:05:54.839 --> 0:05:57.760 was like, she was set that she was having a girl. 0:05:57.839 --> 0:06:00.680 She was convinced she was having a girl. And they 0:06:00.720 --> 0:06:04.080 did the gender reveal and it was a boy. And 0:06:04.160 --> 0:06:06.680 she just started crying in front of every in front 0:06:06.720 --> 0:06:09.400 of all her friends and fans. And we have not 0:06:09.520 --> 0:06:11.080 yet seen in a film, and let it be said 0:06:11.080 --> 0:06:14.680 here that it should be that she was mortified. She 0:06:14.800 --> 0:06:19.040 felt awful. Um, okay, now here comes your son. Yes, 0:06:19.480 --> 0:06:22.560 how were your first few months? Did you connect? I 0:06:22.560 --> 0:06:24.240 know you said maybe in pregnancy you were and his 0:06:24.279 --> 0:06:26.839 connected right away? Did you connected to him? Was it 0:06:26.880 --> 0:06:29.640 a more of a slow burn? Did you feel that's 0:06:29.640 --> 0:06:33.679 sort of maternal? Did have you always been a maternal person, 0:06:33.720 --> 0:06:37.480 Like do you have nieces and nephews or dogs like 0:06:37.640 --> 0:06:41.599 you know, in different ways. It's interesting because I really 0:06:41.640 --> 0:06:45.120 haven't been a maternal person ever I had. I'm one 0:06:45.160 --> 0:06:47.120 of four, well, I'm one of five kids. Four of 0:06:47.200 --> 0:06:50.320 us are girls. I would say my three other sisters 0:06:50.360 --> 0:06:53.480 are extremely maternal, and whenever I'm with them, I feel 0:06:53.520 --> 0:06:56.919 like they're always taking care of me, Like I forget 0:06:56.960 --> 0:06:58.560 I'm the kind of person that, like, are you in 0:06:58.560 --> 0:07:04.360 the line the sister? Um, everyone has just always been 0:07:04.400 --> 0:07:08.000 looking after me. And so I've never naturally had that 0:07:08.080 --> 0:07:11.360 maternal instinct. And I think that's part of subconsciously what 0:07:11.400 --> 0:07:14.200 I was scared of was like, was I ever going 0:07:14.320 --> 0:07:17.080 to have that? And what I ever really connect with 0:07:17.120 --> 0:07:21.280 sending on that level that most people do, never had pets. Um. 0:07:21.880 --> 0:07:24.240 I love my nieces and nephews, but I'm not the 0:07:24.320 --> 0:07:26.120 kind of person that goes out of my way to 0:07:26.200 --> 0:07:29.360 like see them or by the gifts or you know 0:07:29.400 --> 0:07:31.880 what I mean. That's just not me. But I love 0:07:31.960 --> 0:07:34.400 that this is like because I do feel like there 0:07:34.400 --> 0:07:35.520 are a lot of women in the world who are 0:07:35.560 --> 0:07:37.000 just like you know that I have a lot of 0:07:37.080 --> 0:07:40.200 really good girlfriends who were just like they're just like 0:07:40.440 --> 0:07:43.840 not really the maternal people. Yeah, And like I do 0:07:44.000 --> 0:07:48.120 maternal things to sending, like I'm very conscious of what 0:07:48.200 --> 0:07:50.200 he's eating when he's eating, like I never want him 0:07:50.240 --> 0:07:52.200 to be hungry, and never want him to be cold, 0:07:52.400 --> 0:07:55.000 like I never want him to be ignored. There's obviously 0:07:55.680 --> 0:08:00.560 things that I think are maternal, but on like a 0:08:00.640 --> 0:08:04.320 large scale, I would not classify myself as a very 0:08:04.400 --> 0:08:08.640 maternal energy, would you say that? Um? Going back to 0:08:08.640 --> 0:08:13.360 this question, do you feel connected to him right away? Yeah? 0:08:13.560 --> 0:08:18.160 I didn't. I mean, okay, now I shouldn't. So my 0:08:18.360 --> 0:08:20.960 first when I first was with him in the hospital 0:08:21.000 --> 0:08:24.040 for the first couple of days, I felt extremely connected 0:08:24.080 --> 0:08:28.080 to him. I was like awake every second, staring at him, 0:08:28.200 --> 0:08:32.960 like his livelihood just consumed me. And then I went 0:08:33.040 --> 0:08:36.520 home and I started to have all these issues with breastfeeding, 0:08:36.880 --> 0:08:39.800 and I had a night nurse too, and I kind 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:42.400 of was like, can you just deal with him? Like 0:08:42.480 --> 0:08:45.120 I had similar that was very similar to my experience 0:08:45.840 --> 0:08:51.120 you had, so I it was excruciatingly painful to breastfeed. UM. 0:08:51.360 --> 0:08:54.080 I resented the time with him because it mostly meant 0:08:54.120 --> 0:08:58.840 that I needed to be feeding exactly, and I was 0:08:59.000 --> 0:09:03.400 just like I just couldn't. I couldn't connect because it 0:09:03.559 --> 0:09:07.360 was sad and upset exactly exactly planing down the minutes 0:09:07.400 --> 0:09:08.600 to when it was time to feed again, and you 0:09:08.640 --> 0:09:10.160 were almost like oh no, no, no no, no, no no, 0:09:10.320 --> 0:09:12.400 like I don't even want this to come exactly, like 0:09:12.440 --> 0:09:15.319 I just kind of wanted to escape, even though I 0:09:15.360 --> 0:09:19.360 did have I had crazy thoughts like of of what 0:09:19.480 --> 0:09:22.400 could possibly ever happened to him, Like I went, you 0:09:22.440 --> 0:09:25.600 know when you sometimes think like the craziest, well, you're 0:09:25.679 --> 0:09:29.040 literally insane, your hormones are rage. Yeah, so you've just 0:09:29.080 --> 0:09:31.880 gone through a physical trauma on like anything you've ever done, 0:09:31.920 --> 0:09:34.079 and then you're just supposed to be okay, like the 0:09:34.120 --> 0:09:37.240 craziest crazies. I was like, I'm on a plane leaving 0:09:37.280 --> 0:09:39.200 starting a new life. I was like, pee's the funk out, 0:09:39.240 --> 0:09:41.720 I'm not doing that. Yeah, I'm getting on a plane. 0:09:41.800 --> 0:09:43.400 I was like in scandal Land. I was like, I'm 0:09:43.400 --> 0:09:46.760 going to Europe. I'm getting European boyfriend. My vagina will heal. Yeah, 0:09:46.840 --> 0:09:50.800 I'm just ever mystery, my name, who I am, where 0:09:50.840 --> 0:09:53.800 we come from? Yeah. It was but then thoughts also 0:09:53.880 --> 0:09:56.720 of like things happening to him that were so scary, 0:09:56.800 --> 0:10:01.240 where I would reassure myself that okay, I do really 0:10:01.240 --> 0:10:05.480 love him and and want him my baby because I 0:10:05.520 --> 0:10:08.880 am so scared of these things happening um, which is 0:10:08.880 --> 0:10:11.600 a crazy thought that like that doesn't just come naturally. 0:10:12.400 --> 0:10:17.360 So it really wasn't until I stopped breastfeeding at six 0:10:17.400 --> 0:10:21.319 months that I feel like I could really connect with 0:10:21.440 --> 0:10:25.520 him um and more around that time, like ten months, 0:10:25.520 --> 0:10:30.959 when they actually start really responding personality and not it 0:10:31.120 --> 0:10:33.800 just being like me giving, giving, giving all the time 0:10:33.800 --> 0:10:36.839 and getting nothing in return. And like even now I 0:10:37.320 --> 0:10:40.000 struggle with that a little bit, Like I feel like 0:10:40.080 --> 0:10:42.200 I will really thrive as a mom when I can 0:10:42.240 --> 0:10:45.240 actually have conversations with him. I say this to people 0:10:45.240 --> 0:10:48.240 always be like upset about oh my husband is not 0:10:48.280 --> 0:10:49.800 great at this or not great at that, or my 0:10:49.840 --> 0:10:51.520 partner is not great at this, or I'm not great 0:10:51.520 --> 0:10:53.440 at this, And I say, well, you know, I think 0:10:53.480 --> 0:10:56.960 everyone's going to excel at different moments, Like some people 0:10:57.040 --> 0:10:59.160 might be so obsessed with babies and some people might 0:10:59.160 --> 0:11:00.760 be so obsessed with all and then some people are 0:11:00.760 --> 0:11:03.000 going to kick ass with teenagers, like they're going to 0:11:03.080 --> 0:11:05.760 be really good at like sitting down and navigating some 0:11:05.920 --> 0:11:12.079 fucking difficult emotional development. Totally, totally, I think it's like, yeah, 0:11:12.120 --> 0:11:15.320 and it's also the physicality of being a mom that 0:11:15.400 --> 0:11:19.360 are you, I'm not. He doesn't really want to cut 0:11:19.400 --> 0:11:22.360 up with me very much. Like he's a very busy boy, 0:11:22.400 --> 0:11:27.520 Like he's yeah, he's not like a super cuddly guy, 0:11:27.559 --> 0:11:31.280 but I just more mean like the like getting him 0:11:31.280 --> 0:11:34.160 in the car seat and carrying him everywhere and like 0:11:34.520 --> 0:11:38.280 chasing after him, and you know, all that's keeping him 0:11:38.280 --> 0:11:41.320 busy all the time. Like I just get so worn 0:11:41.320 --> 0:11:45.520 out from that. It's exhausted. It's like, I mean, I 0:11:45.520 --> 0:11:47.920 don't know. I'm sure there's exceptions to the rule, but 0:11:47.960 --> 0:11:49.760 I think you and I, like we are both with 0:11:49.920 --> 0:11:54.600 toddler boys and it is fucking full on. I'm just 0:11:54.600 --> 0:11:58.040 trying to little baby girls and they come over a 0:11:58.040 --> 0:11:59.920 lot in this play room that we're currently sitting in, 0:12:00.559 --> 0:12:02.720 and the girls will and I want to do a 0:12:02.720 --> 0:12:05.640 podcast about this, but there are just gender things at 0:12:05.679 --> 0:12:08.160 this age, you know, where little girls can sit with 0:12:08.200 --> 0:12:10.280 one toy for a minute, and like my son is 0:12:10.400 --> 0:12:15.000 flinging ship like nobody's business, Like it's unbelievable, and just 0:12:15.040 --> 0:12:17.520 like always in a new area of the house, like 0:12:17.600 --> 0:12:20.920 running around all over the place. It's yeah, we just 0:12:20.960 --> 0:12:26.760 took him to Mexico this past week. I mean, it 0:12:26.960 --> 0:12:34.880 was honestly your whole life. I had nanny's that we 0:12:35.120 --> 0:12:36.920 that helped us out so we could get out to 0:12:36.960 --> 0:12:39.120 go to dinner and see, that's so I want to 0:12:39.160 --> 0:12:41.600 talk to you about that, Like maternal So there are 0:12:41.679 --> 0:12:44.040 maternal women, you would say, who would even be like 0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:47.640 nervous about leaving their child with the hotel name. My 0:12:47.679 --> 0:12:50.760 mother would be like, we can't leave the baby with somebody. 0:12:50.880 --> 0:12:53.320 Just my mom said, so you don't have that, No, 0:12:53.600 --> 0:12:58.280 I'm completely cool with it. I'm like, yeah, I just have. 0:12:59.000 --> 0:13:01.319 I'm not really scared of that stuff. Like I'm the 0:13:01.400 --> 0:13:04.320 kind of person that doesn't like forget, doesn't set the 0:13:04.320 --> 0:13:06.280 alarm in our house even though we need to. Like 0:13:06.840 --> 0:13:10.439 I'm I'm it's not good. My mom is very scared 0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:13.640 by how trusting I can be, and same with my sisters. 0:13:13.720 --> 0:13:17.559 But she was like, so I understand you. You're maybe 0:13:17.559 --> 0:13:21.160 going to get some help while you're in understand Mexico, 0:13:21.800 --> 0:13:24.400 but like, are you going to have a nanny around 0:13:24.400 --> 0:13:26.160 the pool too, or is it just going to be 0:13:26.200 --> 0:13:28.160 you guys watching him around the pool. And I was like, 0:13:28.200 --> 0:13:29.959 first of all, i didn't even really think about that. 0:13:30.120 --> 0:13:35.840 And secondly like maybe like she she can probably swim, 0:13:35.840 --> 0:13:40.720 and you know, like it's just I am very very trusting, 0:13:40.760 --> 0:13:44.160 and I think that because I'm that way, Sonny is 0:13:44.600 --> 0:13:47.240 able to just like be with anyone at all times. 0:13:47.600 --> 0:13:57.000 How great is that? It's very freeing for me. Is 0:13:57.120 --> 0:14:02.800 your husband you're married? Yes? Is your husband super maternal, 0:14:03.080 --> 0:14:10.120 cuddly vertaker Larry, um, mama bear? Have you very much? 0:14:10.120 --> 0:14:14.040 So so he might outweigh a little bit of your Yes. 0:14:14.320 --> 0:14:17.000 He takes like he can be with Sunny for like 0:14:17.080 --> 0:14:19.720 ten hours straight and not complain about it, or I'll 0:14:19.760 --> 0:14:22.600 be like, I have worked tomorrow. You know, we don't 0:14:22.600 --> 0:14:25.200 have anybody to look after Sunny. Are you going to 0:14:25.240 --> 0:14:27.680 be okay? He's like, yeah, of course. I'm like, oh god, 0:14:27.720 --> 0:14:32.200 if I like if I just I know this sounds awful, 0:14:32.240 --> 0:14:36.480 but I just can't be with him, like I just 0:14:36.560 --> 0:14:39.040 learned this. I think I've talked about it. We just 0:14:39.080 --> 0:14:42.240 did an episode on the podcast with Entrepreneurial Moms, which 0:14:42.280 --> 0:14:45.400 you are one of you talked to you about your business, um, 0:14:45.440 --> 0:14:47.080 one of your many businesses. You do a lot of 0:14:47.120 --> 0:14:49.360 different things, but it was a whole podcast about moms 0:14:49.360 --> 0:14:52.840 who um started businesses when they got pregnant with small 0:14:52.840 --> 0:14:55.160 babies that were super successful, and I was talking to 0:14:55.200 --> 0:14:57.160 them about I just learned, Like I said, my nanny 0:14:57.200 --> 0:14:58.720 was sick for five days. I was a stay at 0:14:58.720 --> 0:15:00.920 home mom for five days. I can't my entire life. 0:15:00.920 --> 0:15:04.880 It was misery. I mean, oh god, it's so dramatic. 0:15:04.880 --> 0:15:08.880 There's really going on in the world that of someone's 0:15:08.960 --> 0:15:12.600 very small, limited perspective, But um, I just mean, like, 0:15:12.640 --> 0:15:15.000 it's the hardest job in the world. I've never looked 0:15:15.080 --> 0:15:18.520 so tired. I've never felt so tired. And what I 0:15:18.560 --> 0:15:20.520 said to my husband after those five days, I was like, 0:15:20.600 --> 0:15:23.160 are we have to make enough money as a living 0:15:23.200 --> 0:15:26.280 to be able to always have someone helping with our kid? 0:15:26.320 --> 0:15:28.880 Because I get so much out of my life from 0:15:28.880 --> 0:15:32.040 walking and I'm such a better mom when I when 0:15:32.080 --> 0:15:34.280 i'm his mom. That's the big thing is that I 0:15:34.320 --> 0:15:38.160 feel I feel guilty about complaining, but it's like I can't, 0:15:38.200 --> 0:15:40.840 I can't deny that. This is how I feel like. 0:15:40.920 --> 0:15:45.280 We cannot shut that out. And it's also okay to 0:15:46.080 --> 0:15:48.840 want to do both things and maybe even one a 0:15:48.880 --> 0:15:51.440 little bit more than the other. Doesn't mean you love 0:15:51.480 --> 0:15:54.560 your kid any less. You love your kidlets like less 0:15:54.600 --> 0:15:57.680 than your work, but like you just have to figure 0:15:57.680 --> 0:16:00.640 out a way where you can feel equally filled. But 0:16:00.720 --> 0:16:03.960 I completely agree, Um, did you ever have a moment 0:16:03.960 --> 0:16:06.880 where like a mama bear has any sort of mama bear? 0:16:06.920 --> 0:16:08.800 I know you're not the most maternal person, which I 0:16:08.880 --> 0:16:11.920 love and I think is a very valuable perspective to 0:16:12.000 --> 0:16:15.080 listen to on this podcast, because I think I have 0:16:15.200 --> 0:16:18.280 a lot of mom friends that are similar like I'm 0:16:18.600 --> 0:16:21.120 I kiss my son weight like it is too much 0:16:21.280 --> 0:16:24.320 like it I'm smothering. It's that. And then I have 0:16:24.400 --> 0:16:27.120 girls that are just like, that's not the language with 0:16:27.120 --> 0:16:29.640 which they communicate with their son and it's beautiful and 0:16:29.760 --> 0:16:34.440 valid and wonderful. Um, and they had no they just 0:16:34.480 --> 0:16:37.320 weren't a maternal instinct. Is not something I would ever 0:16:37.720 --> 0:16:40.320 describe them in the dictionary. But you can still be 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:43.480 a mom and totally give me an amazing mom It's 0:16:43.600 --> 0:16:46.320 just not in my nature. I mean, and I smother 0:16:46.480 --> 0:16:51.640 him too, but it's there's so many different like, there's 0:16:51.680 --> 0:16:55.400 so many different layers of being maternal totally, and I 0:16:55.400 --> 0:16:59.720 think that there's like you do you think, Um, I 0:16:59.720 --> 0:17:04.879 think that I just always want to like just set 0:17:04.920 --> 0:17:07.199 him up for success, like I always want him to 0:17:07.200 --> 0:17:10.080 be Here's how you show it, how you said you 0:17:10.080 --> 0:17:11.760 already kind of said, You're like he always has to 0:17:11.800 --> 0:17:13.879 be fed. He has to have the right clothing on 0:17:13.960 --> 0:17:17.040 for the for the weather. That's important to you. Totally. 0:17:17.119 --> 0:17:19.480 He's never hungry. He needs to have like this weater 0:17:19.600 --> 0:17:21.760 on right, like like I need him to have a 0:17:21.800 --> 0:17:26.240 certain amount of like activity like one on one time 0:17:26.240 --> 0:17:30.439 with me, activity outside, Like I'm always thinking about his 0:17:30.560 --> 0:17:34.720 day and that it is full and how he can 0:17:34.760 --> 0:17:40.000 be happiest. What makes him happiest? Yeah, um, can you 0:17:40.119 --> 0:17:42.760 tell me about what I think already asked this, but again, 0:17:42.800 --> 0:17:44.760 like have you ever had like a mama bearancing where 0:17:44.760 --> 0:17:47.000 you just we're going to fucking kill someone? Because the 0:17:47.000 --> 0:17:49.120 first time that came out and me, I was shocked 0:17:49.440 --> 0:17:53.159 because of something that they did to see it or like, um, 0:17:53.280 --> 0:17:57.879 for me, it was the first time. Um again, I 0:17:57.920 --> 0:18:01.000 didn't really feel very I it took me a long 0:18:01.000 --> 0:18:02.560 time to feel connected to my son. And I think 0:18:02.600 --> 0:18:04.680 similarly in your case, I had a lot of trouble 0:18:04.680 --> 0:18:08.800 breastfeeding for a long time. I was so painful, um, 0:18:08.800 --> 0:18:11.400 and I was crying a lot, and I didn't know why. 0:18:11.520 --> 0:18:14.200 And I'm a generally happy, like last half full person, 0:18:14.240 --> 0:18:16.040 and I was not waking up on that side of 0:18:16.080 --> 0:18:17.959 the bed and so it felt very much not like 0:18:18.000 --> 0:18:21.320 myself for a long time. But I can remember when 0:18:21.359 --> 0:18:24.120 I went back to work and I watched my nanny, 0:18:24.800 --> 0:18:28.320 who is like my fucking soul mate through this fire 0:18:28.400 --> 0:18:31.000 that through right now and I love so much. But 0:18:31.080 --> 0:18:32.520 the first time and I've told you this so I'm 0:18:32.560 --> 0:18:35.480 not talking about you, Miriam, I love you, um, but 0:18:35.800 --> 0:18:37.720 the first time I ever watched him give him a bath, 0:18:37.960 --> 0:18:40.400 I thought I was going to like hurt her, Like 0:18:40.560 --> 0:18:43.240 I just was so like, please don't touch my baby. 0:18:43.280 --> 0:18:47.280 He's like, this is not your department, this is mine 0:18:47.400 --> 0:18:52.600 off of him and it was just something primal fucking 0:18:52.720 --> 0:18:55.639 cave woman ship that I was just like, WHOA Like 0:18:55.760 --> 0:18:59.280 I never feel I'm never like a violent but I've 0:18:59.320 --> 0:19:01.280 never hit someone. I never been hit like I I'm 0:19:01.320 --> 0:19:03.480 just not a violent person. But I had, like I've 0:19:03.520 --> 0:19:05.600 had it a few times when things were really new 0:19:05.840 --> 0:19:10.320 and people's first my first were being done by somebody 0:19:10.320 --> 0:19:12.880 else where I was working. My husband had it come 0:19:12.880 --> 0:19:15.280 out the first time he ever tried ice cream was 0:19:15.359 --> 0:19:18.480 also and I thought my husband was going to fucking 0:19:18.520 --> 0:19:21.800 kill someone because my husband's favorite dessert that goes back 0:19:21.800 --> 0:19:23.800 to his family, like they've had a igh scream every 0:19:23.880 --> 0:19:27.320 night with his dad and it's like a major Shapiro tradition. 0:19:27.720 --> 0:19:29.440 And we got a text message from Miriam that was 0:19:29.480 --> 0:19:31.679 a photo of Albi and Central Park having a vanilla 0:19:31.720 --> 0:19:33.560 ice cream cone with Miriam and he never tried ice 0:19:33.560 --> 0:19:35.840 cream before, and I I thought Adam was going to cry. 0:19:35.880 --> 0:19:38.280 He's only cried three times in thirteen years. But he 0:19:38.359 --> 0:19:41.280 was like that was my experience, Like it was crazy 0:19:42.760 --> 0:19:45.080 that I haven't had moments like that. I've had moments 0:19:45.119 --> 0:19:48.000 like because he's at school now and like there's a 0:19:48.000 --> 0:19:50.400 little girl that will hit him or people that won't 0:19:50.440 --> 0:19:54.560 share with him, like little kids where I'm like, yeah, 0:19:54.800 --> 0:19:57.600 like I wish that I could just like, you know, 0:19:57.920 --> 0:20:01.840 get your kid in line, Yeah, don't touch my exactly, 0:20:01.880 --> 0:20:05.159 like go discipline like go. But other than that, no, 0:20:05.320 --> 0:20:08.840 I haven't had a moment where I'm like, I mean, 0:20:08.880 --> 0:20:11.960 thank God, Yeah, I mean no, it's definitely coming um 0:20:12.000 --> 0:20:13.680 and maybe it will feel I think we're going to 0:20:13.720 --> 0:20:15.960 be walking through this together. And how crazy and hard 0:20:16.000 --> 0:20:17.720 it's going to be. But like the first time your 0:20:17.800 --> 0:20:22.520 kid gets his feelings her, I'll die, which is a 0:20:22.600 --> 0:20:25.399 term we should you know is normal and healthy and 0:20:25.440 --> 0:20:27.280 you need to get pushed down in order to learn 0:20:27.320 --> 0:20:30.040 how to get back up, and it's very important. But like, 0:20:30.200 --> 0:20:33.240 how heartbroken? I mean, I'm going to freak olfre you know, 0:20:33.680 --> 0:20:37.680 I know, I know I can't imagine that. I cannot 0:20:37.880 --> 0:20:40.840 seeing him cry because he has his feelings hurt, Like 0:20:41.240 --> 0:20:44.159 right now he only cries because like he doesn't want 0:20:44.160 --> 0:20:47.280 to go his diaper change. You know, it's going to 0:20:47.400 --> 0:20:50.520 be so complex. Do you feel are you a mom 0:20:50.640 --> 0:20:53.199 that I have moms that when their kid cries, they're like, 0:20:53.280 --> 0:20:56.080 it's fine, it's finely toughen up or does it break 0:20:56.119 --> 0:20:59.280 your heart? Do you feel? No? I don't. It's honestly, 0:20:59.520 --> 0:21:02.200 when if I feel like he's in pain or something, 0:21:02.240 --> 0:21:04.840 then that breaks my heart. But if he's crying because 0:21:04.840 --> 0:21:06.960 he's in a bad mood and he just as being 0:21:07.000 --> 0:21:11.200