WEBVTT - Dear Em & Gem (Part 2)

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<v Speaker 1>Sometimes, like enabling some people's behavior ends up hurting them

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<v Speaker 1>more than you think you're helping them.

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<v Speaker 2>A lot of times people treat us the way that

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<v Speaker 2>we've taught them they can treat us, and they take

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<v Speaker 2>cues from what we've allowed.

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<v Speaker 1>Pro con list sometimes bring things out of you that

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<v Speaker 1>you don't even know. Like if at the end of

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<v Speaker 1>it says paycheck, but on the other side it says depression.

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<v Speaker 1>I want to rip my eyes out. I hate every

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<v Speaker 1>morning food doesn't have taste. I feel like your answer

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<v Speaker 1>is right there.

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<v Speaker 2>Happiness isn't a treasure box. It's also not a destination.

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<v Speaker 2>It's a choice, and it's a way of life. You

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<v Speaker 2>choose to be happy.

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<v Speaker 1>Forgiveness is for yourself, it's not for the other person,

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<v Speaker 1>you know what I mean.

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<v Speaker 2>I think healthy communication is far more about listening than

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<v Speaker 2>it is about speaking.

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<v Speaker 3>Or how are your feet?

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<v Speaker 1>There's always only fans? Oh right?

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<v Speaker 3>Anyway, next fee.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean money in there? You don't got to cut

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<v Speaker 1>your face?

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<v Speaker 2>There you go, la Hello, Beings of Earth am in

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<v Speaker 2>gem here. We had such a good time with this

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<v Speaker 2>episode topic, and you guys sent us such amazing questions

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<v Speaker 2>that we absolutely had to have a part two. So kickback, relax,

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<v Speaker 2>and enjoy are solicited advice.

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<v Speaker 3>Here's the first question.

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<v Speaker 1>My sister always borrows money but never pays me back.

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<v Speaker 1>How do I say no? Okay? I feel like there's

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<v Speaker 1>we have to dissect this question. So first of all,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna say the same thing as a previous question,

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<v Speaker 1>maybe stop giving your money number one. But I understand

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<v Speaker 1>it's your sister.

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<v Speaker 3>How do you say no? Right? How do you say no? Okay?

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<v Speaker 1>So you say.

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<v Speaker 3>No more money for you?

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<v Speaker 1>No? Okay.

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<v Speaker 3>This is a boundary setting. This is a boundary thing.

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<v Speaker 3>But it's also tough because I don't have a sister.

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<v Speaker 3>But boundaries are tough.

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<v Speaker 1>Boundaries are tough, and I have boundary issues, That's what

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<v Speaker 1>I mean. And depending on the person in my life,

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<v Speaker 1>if they ask for money, doesn't matter. If I only

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<v Speaker 1>had ten dollars in a bank account, I would give

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<v Speaker 1>it to them until I was out of money, because.

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<v Speaker 3>That's just the kind of people. Maybe you shouldn't give

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<v Speaker 3>advice on this one.

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<v Speaker 1>No, but yeah, you go ahead, but I will say

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<v Speaker 1>I will say one thing. Sometimes, like enabling some people's

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<v Speaker 1>behavior ends up hurting them more than you think you're

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<v Speaker 1>helping them.

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<v Speaker 3>Preach so that's what I'll say about that.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, so I agree with everything you've said. It sounds

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<v Speaker 2>simple to just say you just say no. But part

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<v Speaker 2>of setting a boundary, I think first, and I'm learning

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<v Speaker 2>how to set boundaries. We are really bad at those,

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<v Speaker 2>I think as people in general, both setting the boundary

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<v Speaker 2>and also respecting boundaries. But part of setting a boundary

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<v Speaker 2>is understanding that it's in your best interest and it's

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<v Speaker 2>also in your relationships best interests, because those are the

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<v Speaker 2>things that make you feel confident, safe, and secure in

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<v Speaker 2>your relationship, and that's how you'll be able to show

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<v Speaker 2>up as your best self in that relationship. So if

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<v Speaker 2>you've been lending your sister money, I hear you.

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<v Speaker 3>I would.

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<v Speaker 2>I would empty my bank account for my sister if

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<v Speaker 2>she asked me to, but my sister would never not

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<v Speaker 2>pay me back, so that's.

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<v Speaker 3>Probably why I would do that.

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<v Speaker 2>But if you've realized that there's a pattern here and

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<v Speaker 2>she started to maybe take advantage of you, first of all,

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<v Speaker 2>don't let it get out of hand, because it'll start

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<v Speaker 2>to impact your perception of the relationship and even maybe

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<v Speaker 2>of your sister if you do. And maybe it's not

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<v Speaker 2>even so complex as in she's knowingly taking advantage of you.

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<v Speaker 2>Maybe she's just gotten used to the pattern of being

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<v Speaker 2>able to ask you and you never maybe asking her

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<v Speaker 2>to pay you back, or you being lenient. And so

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of times people treat us the way that

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<v Speaker 2>we've taught them. They can treat us, and they take

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<v Speaker 2>cues from what we've allowed. How do you say no kindly?

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<v Speaker 2>I always you can say, listen, I've decided I'm not

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<v Speaker 2>going to lend money anymore.

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<v Speaker 3>It's not working for me.

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<v Speaker 2>And sometimes you don't have to give an explanation of fact.

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<v Speaker 2>I think you actually reserve your power when you don't

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<v Speaker 2>over explain yourself. And maybe she'll have a hard time

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<v Speaker 2>with that. That's okay, let her have her hard time.

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<v Speaker 2>You don't owe her money, you don't owe her anything.

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<v Speaker 3>You just owe her your sisterhood.

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<v Speaker 2>That's it, not even not even if you really want

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<v Speaker 2>to think about it. Yeah, we don't ownly want anything.

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<v Speaker 2>My dad is in and out of my life constantly,

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<v Speaker 2>and I'm tired of it.

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<v Speaker 3>I don't know what to do anymore.

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<v Speaker 2>I'll let you guys into a personal aspect. So I've

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<v Speaker 2>had a pretty.

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<v Speaker 3>Turbulent relationship with my father. My whole life. I don't

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<v Speaker 3>have the.

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<v Speaker 2>Answers when it comes to a healthy daddy daughter relationship

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<v Speaker 2>because I unfortunately have never had the opportunity to have one.

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<v Speaker 2>I will say this, we're raised to believe a lot

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<v Speaker 2>of times that we should give passes out or make

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<v Speaker 2>unbelievable exceptions for our family just because they are our family.

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<v Speaker 2>And I really resent that sometimes mothers drown their babies,

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<v Speaker 2>sometimes fathers shoot their wives, And just because you have

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<v Speaker 2>a blood aligne or a blood relationship to somebody doesn't

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<v Speaker 2>mean that you should give them a free pass to

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<v Speaker 2>bulldoze your life. If you've seen and I don't know

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<v Speaker 2>how old you are, but if you've seen that there's

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<v Speaker 2>a pattern that's come up in your life and you've

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<v Speaker 2>already tried to address it, this is the caveat You've

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<v Speaker 2>already tried to address it with your father, and there's

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<v Speaker 2>nothing you can do. You're at the point where you've

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<v Speaker 2>just sort of accepted that this is how it is,

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<v Speaker 2>and this is the relationship you're going to have with

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<v Speaker 2>your dad. The best thing that you can do for yourself.

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<v Speaker 3>Is accept it.

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<v Speaker 2>It's really just facing the situation head on from a

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<v Speaker 2>place of understanding and knowing that you did what you

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<v Speaker 2>could at the end of the day. I'm a firm

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<v Speaker 2>believer that it's the adult's responsibility to carry the relationship forward.

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<v Speaker 2>And I think as a father, it is his job

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<v Speaker 2>to be involved in your life. And if it feels

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<v Speaker 2>like he's in a revolving door, if you're in a

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<v Speaker 2>revolving door situation with him, akin to like you know,

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<v Speaker 2>a toxic X that just shows up whenever he wants

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<v Speaker 2>to and then leaves when you're no longer needed or

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<v Speaker 2>relevant anymore. Maybe next time you close the door, lock it.

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<v Speaker 3>I don't know.

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<v Speaker 2>Maybe you lock it for a year, Maybe you feel terrible.

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<v Speaker 2>Maybe you lock it for a year and you start

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<v Speaker 2>going to therapy and you start healing the loss of

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<v Speaker 2>the father you wish that you would have had the

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<v Speaker 2>relationship that you wish you would have had, and maybe

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<v Speaker 2>you feel incredible afterwards. I will say this, do not

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<v Speaker 2>make exceptions. If you wouldn't accept a certain kind of

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<v Speaker 2>treatment from a friend or a lover or somebody who

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<v Speaker 2>isn't your father, don't accept it from your father.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh baby, all right.

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<v Speaker 1>I think every man should get a e sseectomy and

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<v Speaker 1>then when they want to have kids. They have to

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<v Speaker 1>go to trial because you know you can reverse right,

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<v Speaker 1>So yeah, every when they you know.

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<v Speaker 3>If you just to say you look at you not like,

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<v Speaker 3>do not do I have your list? I'm just I

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<v Speaker 3>love it.

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<v Speaker 1>Penus experts are right out side of the room. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>So next, I hate my job.

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<v Speaker 3>Oof.

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<v Speaker 1>This kind of was what we were talking about before.

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<v Speaker 1>I hate my job, but I love the paycheck. How

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<v Speaker 1>do I figure out if it's worth quitting? Okay, First

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<v Speaker 1>of all, i'd say there's nothing wrong with a good

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<v Speaker 1>pro con list. Yeah, Like pro con lists sometimes bring

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<v Speaker 1>things out of you that you don't even know, Like

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<v Speaker 1>if at the end of it it says paycheck, but

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<v Speaker 1>on the other side it says depression. I want to

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<v Speaker 1>rip my eyes out. I hate every morning food doesn't

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<v Speaker 1>have taste. I feel like your answer is right there.

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<v Speaker 3>Paycheck can mean a lot of things.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes, but I'm saying, like if financial security, but.

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<v Speaker 3>That's what I'm saying.

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<v Speaker 1>Sure, I'm saying like that list is you know, depending

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<v Speaker 1>on what comes out from that list, if the negatives

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<v Speaker 1>are really really bad, I would say that maybe it's

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<v Speaker 1>not worth it. Another thing is like maybe I don't

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<v Speaker 1>know if there's a way that you can start exploring

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<v Speaker 1>the potential of what what other jobs you would be

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<v Speaker 1>qualified for and if that maybe has maybe although it

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<v Speaker 1>might have a pay cut, maybe it has a life increase,

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<v Speaker 1>and maybe it's a paycut that you can handle. Maybe

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<v Speaker 1>there's a way that you can start, you know, doing

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<v Speaker 1>research into the realities before leaving your job of what

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<v Speaker 1>would be your options.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, and I.

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<v Speaker 2>Also think that, like we the grass isn't always greener

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<v Speaker 2>on the other side, and sometimes we're in certain situations

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<v Speaker 2>and a slight reframe would really adjust the way that

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<v Speaker 2>we experience those situations. You hated your job, Yeah, I

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<v Speaker 2>hate I hated my job, but the paycheck wasn't worth it,

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<v Speaker 2>I know, but literally, But I will say this, if

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<v Speaker 2>I had a job that I didn't necessarily love, like

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<v Speaker 2>the profession perhaps, or or what it is that I

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<v Speaker 2>was doing in those hours of work. But if it

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<v Speaker 2>in this scenario, you know, maybe I still had a

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<v Speaker 2>free time and I was making a certain amount of

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<v Speaker 2>money that I was happy with, I would probably view

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<v Speaker 2>it as like a transition. Or sometimes it's just you

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<v Speaker 2>need you Hey, you have bills to pay. You have

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<v Speaker 2>to pay your bills. If you have a job that's

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<v Speaker 2>that's not consuming your life, that you have essentially a

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<v Speaker 2>healthy work life balance, even if it's not your favorite

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<v Speaker 2>or what you wish you were doing with your life.

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<v Speaker 2>Either find a way to get to where you wish

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<v Speaker 2>you were or find a way to reframe your perspective

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<v Speaker 2>on it. And sometimes you can just it's just a

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<v Speaker 2>matter of looking at it as you know. This is

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<v Speaker 2>the thing that I don't necessarily love doing, but I

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<v Speaker 2>love what it brings me, and I love the freedom

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<v Speaker 2>that it gives me, and I love you know the

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<v Speaker 2>fact that you know, maybe I don't wake up every

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<v Speaker 2>morning and I'm not excited to sit at a desk,

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<v Speaker 2>but I only have to sit at this desk three

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<v Speaker 2>days a week, or I only have to sit at

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<v Speaker 2>this desk for so long, and then I have the

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<v Speaker 2>money that I need to travel or do all the

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<v Speaker 2>other things.

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<v Speaker 3>Or how are your feet? There's always only fans?

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<v Speaker 1>Oh right?

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<v Speaker 3>Anyway, next use money in there?

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<v Speaker 1>You don't got to your face?

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<v Speaker 3>There you go?

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, So it says I found out my friend friend

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<v Speaker 2>is in quotes has been secretly talking behind my back.

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<v Speaker 3>What do I do? Yikes?

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, give them put them on the phone with the

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<v Speaker 1>girl who's stealing the other girl's ideas.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, So first of all, some people would say, if

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<v Speaker 2>she's talking behind your back, she's not your friend. Some people,

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<v Speaker 2>I think it really depends what the relationship means to you.

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<v Speaker 2>And again, like what you were saying earlier, context matters

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<v Speaker 2>for this one. If this is somebody that that really

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<v Speaker 2>matters to you, and this is you know, perhaps the

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<v Speaker 2>first time that this has happened, then you've just found

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<v Speaker 2>yourself at a crossroads and you have a conversation pending.

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<v Speaker 2>You need to address it with your friend. Let them

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<v Speaker 2>know what you've heard, let them know how it made

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<v Speaker 2>you feel. Set boundaries in place of where it is

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<v Speaker 2>that you want to move or don't want to move

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<v Speaker 2>in your relationship. If they can't commit to the loyalty

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<v Speaker 2>and discretion of the things that you share with them,

0:11:19.520 --> 0:11:22.679
<v Speaker 2>or if they're saying something nasty about you behind your back,

0:11:22.960 --> 0:11:24.680
<v Speaker 2>maybe you need to address if that's how they actually

0:11:24.679 --> 0:11:26.240
<v Speaker 2>feel about you. And if they do feel that way

0:11:26.280 --> 0:11:28.679
<v Speaker 2>about you, then that's perhaps not a friend that you

0:11:28.720 --> 0:11:29.520
<v Speaker 2>should have in your life.

0:11:29.559 --> 0:11:30.920
<v Speaker 3>I always say, try to talk.

0:11:30.800 --> 0:11:34.960
<v Speaker 2>About it first, But depending on what they're saying and

0:11:35.040 --> 0:11:38.120
<v Speaker 2>depending what the context is maybe this is not a

0:11:38.120 --> 0:11:40.480
<v Speaker 2>friend for you, and maybe it's just a matter of

0:11:40.880 --> 0:11:44.040
<v Speaker 2>again learning something new, seeing people for who they truly are,

0:11:44.360 --> 0:11:45.120
<v Speaker 2>and moving on.

0:11:45.480 --> 0:11:48.560
<v Speaker 1>And by the way, if you have that conversation and

0:11:48.640 --> 0:11:51.560
<v Speaker 1>it doesn't go well, that doesn't mean that it needs

0:11:51.600 --> 0:11:55.360
<v Speaker 1>to be a distasteful ending or you need to now

0:11:55.440 --> 0:11:57.520
<v Speaker 1>carry these feelings for that person, because that's only going

0:11:57.600 --> 0:12:00.360
<v Speaker 1>to hurt you. Forgiveness is for yourself, out for the

0:12:00.400 --> 0:12:00.920
<v Speaker 1>other person.

0:12:01.040 --> 0:12:03.000
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, you know what I mean, Yeah for sure.

0:12:03.280 --> 0:12:07.880
<v Speaker 1>Okay, what's the best way to find happiness in twenty

0:12:07.960 --> 0:12:13.400
<v Speaker 1>twenty five? Ooh, man, I know, find a time machine.

0:12:13.800 --> 0:12:18.160
<v Speaker 3>Now this is going to be this is what I feel.

0:12:18.200 --> 0:12:21.679
<v Speaker 1>I feel like the world we need to collectively realize

0:12:21.720 --> 0:12:25.240
<v Speaker 1>that the energy and the vibration everything is so heightened

0:12:25.320 --> 0:12:27.840
<v Speaker 1>right now and as a result, like all of the

0:12:27.880 --> 0:12:31.479
<v Speaker 1>little universes inside of us are kind of in disarray,

0:12:31.520 --> 0:12:34.200
<v Speaker 1>whether that be depressed or anxious this or like. And

0:12:34.240 --> 0:12:35.880
<v Speaker 1>you know, I don't speak for everybody, because I know

0:12:35.960 --> 0:12:38.400
<v Speaker 1>there are people that maybe aren't as connected to this feeling,

0:12:38.480 --> 0:12:43.160
<v Speaker 1>but it feels like an overarching feeling. What I would

0:12:43.240 --> 0:12:47.640
<v Speaker 1>say is to really connect to the things in life

0:12:48.320 --> 0:12:52.440
<v Speaker 1>that bring you joy, even if that means going back

0:12:52.800 --> 0:12:55.080
<v Speaker 1>into the things when you were a child, or when

0:12:55.120 --> 0:12:56.400
<v Speaker 1>you were a kid, or when you were growing up,

0:12:56.480 --> 0:12:58.320
<v Speaker 1>or when you were in high school or in college,

0:12:58.480 --> 0:13:01.680
<v Speaker 1>like things that make you feel alive, that make you

0:13:01.840 --> 0:13:04.480
<v Speaker 1>feel happy, maybe a hobby that you've always wanted to

0:13:04.520 --> 0:13:07.960
<v Speaker 1>pick up that you can't, you know, like nurture your

0:13:08.120 --> 0:13:08.760
<v Speaker 1>self love.

0:13:09.559 --> 0:13:10.480
<v Speaker 3>That's what I feel.

0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:12.920
<v Speaker 1>I mean, that's at least how I'm trying to find

0:13:12.920 --> 0:13:16.520
<v Speaker 1>my happiness in twenty twenty five, because everything is just

0:13:16.559 --> 0:13:19.640
<v Speaker 1>so loud. So yeah, and I'd say, like, you know,

0:13:19.760 --> 0:13:22.640
<v Speaker 1>keep your head down and focus on the things that

0:13:22.679 --> 0:13:26.400
<v Speaker 1>are really important to you and water those gardens. Yeah,

0:13:26.440 --> 0:13:28.520
<v Speaker 1>you know, whether that be spend more time with somebody

0:13:28.559 --> 0:13:31.600
<v Speaker 1>who you didn't spend time with last year, or actively

0:13:31.640 --> 0:13:34.760
<v Speaker 1>seek a new friendship, or start a new class, or

0:13:35.640 --> 0:13:37.840
<v Speaker 1>do pottery naked, whatever you want to do.

0:13:38.000 --> 0:13:39.920
<v Speaker 3>I love that that's on my list. I just want

0:13:39.960 --> 0:13:44.000
<v Speaker 3>to say this thing when I read something.

0:13:43.800 --> 0:13:48.320
<v Speaker 2>Like how do I find happiness? Happiness isn't a treasure box.

0:13:49.120 --> 0:13:53.880
<v Speaker 2>It's also not a destination. It's a choice, and it's

0:13:53.920 --> 0:14:00.360
<v Speaker 2>a way of life. You choose to be happy. Cannot

0:14:00.480 --> 0:14:04.440
<v Speaker 2>go outside and control back to mail, robins. You cannot

0:14:04.480 --> 0:14:07.080
<v Speaker 2>go outside and control the weather, or whether you're going

0:14:07.160 --> 0:14:09.720
<v Speaker 2>to enter your find yourself in a traffic jam, or

0:14:09.760 --> 0:14:12.920
<v Speaker 2>whether your phone is going to fall and shatter. There's

0:14:12.960 --> 0:14:15.600
<v Speaker 2>gonna be so many triggers throughout our days, and we're

0:14:15.600 --> 0:14:18.120
<v Speaker 2>not Patrick Starr. We can't live under a rock that

0:14:18.240 --> 0:14:22.480
<v Speaker 2>are absolutely inevitable and unavoidable. It's all about how you

0:14:22.680 --> 0:14:24.240
<v Speaker 2>respond and react.

0:14:23.880 --> 0:14:25.080
<v Speaker 3>To those situations.

0:14:25.600 --> 0:14:29.520
<v Speaker 2>There is beauty and absolute absolutely everything, even a rain

0:14:29.600 --> 0:14:34.200
<v Speaker 2>shower has its benefits. So I think that if you're

0:14:34.360 --> 0:14:38.680
<v Speaker 2>still searching for happiness or trying to create your happiness,

0:14:40.520 --> 0:14:41.280
<v Speaker 2>it starts with you.

0:14:41.680 --> 0:14:45.600
<v Speaker 3>It's internal. There you go. Okay, that was amazing. Am

0:14:45.600 --> 0:14:48.400
<v Speaker 3>I agreed with everything you've said? Wow, you've never said that.

0:14:48.520 --> 0:14:50.240
<v Speaker 3>So maybe we should take a little break. Yeah, I

0:14:50.280 --> 0:14:53.920
<v Speaker 3>can rest so I can enjoy this moment. Well, we'll

0:14:53.960 --> 0:15:07.960
<v Speaker 3>be right back. Okay, earth things, How about a few more.

0:15:08.240 --> 0:15:08.720
<v Speaker 3>I'm down.

0:15:09.160 --> 0:15:11.840
<v Speaker 1>My friend keeps asking me how cute her baby is,

0:15:11.880 --> 0:15:13.560
<v Speaker 1>But her baby is not cute.

0:15:13.800 --> 0:15:15.920
<v Speaker 3>What do I do? You say nothing? You say nothing,

0:15:15.960 --> 0:15:17.760
<v Speaker 3>You say the baby's cute. By the way, how old

0:15:17.800 --> 0:15:18.240
<v Speaker 3>is the baby?

0:15:18.240 --> 0:15:20.560
<v Speaker 1>Because sometimes they come out a little puffy. Yeah, sometimes

0:15:20.600 --> 0:15:22.600
<v Speaker 1>they're not cute at first, but they cut a couple

0:15:22.640 --> 0:15:25.200
<v Speaker 1>of years to you say nothing, so hear you, we

0:15:25.280 --> 0:15:27.320
<v Speaker 1>feel you, we see you. We have all seen a

0:15:27.360 --> 0:15:29.560
<v Speaker 1>baby that looks like a gremlin, and we have to

0:15:29.560 --> 0:15:30.360
<v Speaker 1>say it's cue. That's all.

0:15:30.400 --> 0:15:31.760
<v Speaker 3>You say nothing to say.

0:15:31.840 --> 0:15:35.400
<v Speaker 1>You don't say you don't see to anybody else exactly,

0:15:35.600 --> 0:15:38.160
<v Speaker 1>or you say I'm so happy that that you're happy.

0:15:38.320 --> 0:15:38.560
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

0:15:38.560 --> 0:15:41.480
<v Speaker 2>Oh, and and you find the cute things in the baby, so.

0:15:41.600 --> 0:15:44.120
<v Speaker 3>You say, oh my god, that baby's so cute. You

0:15:44.160 --> 0:15:47.440
<v Speaker 3>say the letter cue that way, you're not technically lying.

0:15:47.600 --> 0:15:50.160
<v Speaker 2>But maybe they're cute and their mannerism is not necessarily

0:15:50.200 --> 0:15:50.800
<v Speaker 2>like aesthetic.

0:15:50.840 --> 0:15:52.760
<v Speaker 1>Okay, oh, what did you find one thing that you

0:15:52.800 --> 0:15:54.480
<v Speaker 1>actually think the baby, the.

0:15:56.080 --> 0:15:59.160
<v Speaker 3>Little pinky toe's so cute. Yeah, come on, babies on cute,

0:15:59.160 --> 0:16:03.640
<v Speaker 3>even ugly babies cute. They're cute. What's wrong with you? Okay?

0:16:03.640 --> 0:16:04.600
<v Speaker 3>Maybe is not cute?

0:16:05.840 --> 0:16:09.200
<v Speaker 1>Okay, go ahead, Okay, let's oh I can answer this.

0:16:09.360 --> 0:16:11.920
<v Speaker 3>I've been thinking about dyeing my hair. Should I Yes?

0:16:12.960 --> 0:16:14.480
<v Speaker 3>The answer is yes, it depends.

0:16:14.760 --> 0:16:14.960
<v Speaker 2>No.

0:16:15.600 --> 0:16:16.840
<v Speaker 1>You're gonna bleach your whole hair.

0:16:16.840 --> 0:16:20.360
<v Speaker 3>Bleach to fry it, fry it, it'll go back. Bleach

0:16:20.400 --> 0:16:21.360
<v Speaker 3>it fry, it'll go back.

0:16:21.560 --> 0:16:24.600
<v Speaker 2>I did wanted to do something to my hair for years,

0:16:25.160 --> 0:16:28.520
<v Speaker 2>and it took me being twenty six, not even twenty seven, No,

0:16:28.760 --> 0:16:31.160
<v Speaker 2>twenty eight years old. I was twenty eight years old

0:16:31.440 --> 0:16:33.920
<v Speaker 2>the first time I did anything to my hair. It's

0:16:34.240 --> 0:16:36.160
<v Speaker 2>the only thing I regret is not doing good, suitor.

0:16:36.200 --> 0:16:38.560
<v Speaker 2>I love my half purple. I think I'll die half purple.

0:16:38.560 --> 0:16:40.040
<v Speaker 2>I don't know, who knows. Maybe next year I'll take

0:16:40.080 --> 0:16:42.760
<v Speaker 2>my mind. But if you are thinking about dyeing your hair,

0:16:42.800 --> 0:16:43.040
<v Speaker 2>do it.

0:16:43.200 --> 0:16:44.880
<v Speaker 3>Do it. Worst case you hate it, you could always

0:16:44.880 --> 0:16:46.600
<v Speaker 3>die it back. If it fries off, it'll grow back.

0:16:46.640 --> 0:16:48.000
<v Speaker 3>I don't know. You go rock the bald for yeah,

0:16:48.040 --> 0:16:50.560
<v Speaker 3>shave your eyebrows, Okay, do it all right?

0:16:50.600 --> 0:16:53.800
<v Speaker 2>How do you handle differences in communication styles?

0:16:54.480 --> 0:16:54.680
<v Speaker 1>Oh?

0:16:55.680 --> 0:17:00.600
<v Speaker 3>Can I come back to you on that? Okay, I'll

0:17:00.600 --> 0:17:00.960
<v Speaker 3>say this.

0:17:01.120 --> 0:17:03.920
<v Speaker 1>I think first you need to learn each other's communication

0:17:04.080 --> 0:17:07.040
<v Speaker 1>styles because they're not your own. And this is something

0:17:07.040 --> 0:17:10.840
<v Speaker 1>that happened, This is something that happens too with like

0:17:10.960 --> 0:17:15.080
<v Speaker 1>love languages and relationships. Like we're so consumed by how

0:17:15.440 --> 0:17:19.080
<v Speaker 1>we communicate, how we love, how we whatever. That it's

0:17:19.119 --> 0:17:22.560
<v Speaker 1>also a difficult exercise to now pretend to not be

0:17:22.680 --> 0:17:25.760
<v Speaker 1>that and learn about this whole other world and the

0:17:25.800 --> 0:17:28.520
<v Speaker 1>whole other way the person sees and perceives and acts

0:17:28.560 --> 0:17:32.520
<v Speaker 1>in this world. So I think step one is learning that.

0:17:33.080 --> 0:17:35.680
<v Speaker 3>I think step two is listening. It waste.

0:17:35.880 --> 0:17:39.200
<v Speaker 1>Step one is really listening because you're step one. Yeah,

0:17:39.200 --> 0:17:41.080
<v Speaker 1>I guess, so you have to listen to even know

0:17:42.119 --> 0:17:44.679
<v Speaker 1>communication style is I think that communicy.

0:17:44.720 --> 0:17:48.280
<v Speaker 2>I think healthy communication is far more about listening than

0:17:48.320 --> 0:17:51.919
<v Speaker 2>it is about speaking. If you are looking for like

0:17:51.960 --> 0:17:54.920
<v Speaker 2>a concrete advice I can give you, Emily, And I

0:17:55.000 --> 0:17:58.879
<v Speaker 2>learned this actually with a couple's therapists one time. And

0:17:58.920 --> 0:18:01.640
<v Speaker 2>if you're having a conversation with somebody, sometimes it's really

0:18:01.640 --> 0:18:04.679
<v Speaker 2>easy to get worked up. And sometimes your partner or

0:18:04.720 --> 0:18:07.760
<v Speaker 2>your friend, or your siblings or your family member says

0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:11.200
<v Speaker 2>something in a moment of conflict or when they're expressing

0:18:11.200 --> 0:18:14.080
<v Speaker 2>conflict with you that you don't agree with, or maybe

0:18:14.119 --> 0:18:16.440
<v Speaker 2>it doesn't ring true for you or is a representative

0:18:16.480 --> 0:18:17.520
<v Speaker 2>of your experience.

0:18:17.920 --> 0:18:20.280
<v Speaker 3>The first thing you need to do is be quiet.

0:18:20.119 --> 0:18:24.800
<v Speaker 2>Let the person speak when they're done speaking. The best

0:18:24.840 --> 0:18:29.880
<v Speaker 2>thing you can do for your communication before you even

0:18:30.359 --> 0:18:35.160
<v Speaker 2>think about replying or adding your what is it your

0:18:35.160 --> 0:18:38.080
<v Speaker 2>footnote or sharing your perspective. You need to the moment

0:18:38.080 --> 0:18:41.120
<v Speaker 2>that you feel that you're about to respond with your emotions,

0:18:41.200 --> 0:18:42.800
<v Speaker 2>you need to stop. You need to pull the brakes,

0:18:43.160 --> 0:18:46.639
<v Speaker 2>resenter yourself, become mindful and aware of the conversation again

0:18:46.960 --> 0:18:49.840
<v Speaker 2>and repeat if you have to internally, and if you

0:18:49.920 --> 0:18:52.240
<v Speaker 2>have to out loud what the person has just said

0:18:52.280 --> 0:18:57.120
<v Speaker 2>to you, make sure that you understood you said you say.

0:18:57.119 --> 0:19:01.120
<v Speaker 2>For example, EM says I don't like your socks. I

0:19:01.160 --> 0:19:03.760
<v Speaker 2>can paw, I can react, I can fight back. I

0:19:03.760 --> 0:19:05.359
<v Speaker 2>can tell her, how can you like my socks? Well,

0:19:05.400 --> 0:19:06.920
<v Speaker 2>you don't know what socks are and you know what.

0:19:07.760 --> 0:19:11.080
<v Speaker 2>Or I can stop and I can say, I can

0:19:11.160 --> 0:19:13.760
<v Speaker 2>rephrase what she just said to make sure first I

0:19:13.840 --> 0:19:16.720
<v Speaker 2>understood what I heard you say, EM is that you

0:19:16.720 --> 0:19:20.280
<v Speaker 2>don't like my socks, And she can say yes or no.

0:19:21.359 --> 0:19:23.920
<v Speaker 2>And then after you're sure that you've understood what the

0:19:23.960 --> 0:19:27.320
<v Speaker 2>person has said, you validate what they've said. It doesn't

0:19:27.440 --> 0:19:28.879
<v Speaker 2>matter what you're talking about.

0:19:29.240 --> 0:19:32.919
<v Speaker 1>It doesn't invalidate your emotions, does how you feel. That's

0:19:32.960 --> 0:19:36.640
<v Speaker 1>something that's hard for me in that moment when you're saying, Oh,

0:19:36.680 --> 0:19:38.640
<v Speaker 1>what I'm hearing you say is is that you don't

0:19:38.680 --> 0:19:41.040
<v Speaker 1>like the socks and then being like, I could see

0:19:41.040 --> 0:19:44.919
<v Speaker 1>how you know you you not liking the socks is

0:19:45.000 --> 0:19:47.119
<v Speaker 1>causing you to have a shitty day, because that's not

0:19:48.359 --> 0:19:51.400
<v Speaker 1>me disrespecting the fact that I don't give a fuck

0:19:51.440 --> 0:19:53.359
<v Speaker 1>about the socks, and she's pissing you off.

0:19:53.359 --> 0:19:55.639
<v Speaker 3>Off she's talking about the socks. It's honoring that the

0:19:55.640 --> 0:19:56.240
<v Speaker 3>person cares.

0:19:56.280 --> 0:19:59.800
<v Speaker 1>It's just listening, and then also hoping that that that

0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:04.040
<v Speaker 1>post person also hoping that that person will then give

0:20:04.080 --> 0:20:06.320
<v Speaker 1>you the same respect to hold space for.

0:20:06.720 --> 0:20:08.080
<v Speaker 2>Well, I don't even think it's like that. I don't

0:20:08.119 --> 0:20:09.560
<v Speaker 2>think it's like a tid for tat because.

0:20:09.480 --> 0:20:11.440
<v Speaker 1>No, no, I mean and if you have something you need

0:20:11.480 --> 0:20:13.959
<v Speaker 1>to address, you need to find a moment to address it.

0:20:14.000 --> 0:20:17.040
<v Speaker 3>But in that moment, it's not the moment to try

0:20:17.080 --> 0:20:18.960
<v Speaker 3>to put your footnote of your feelings.

0:20:19.000 --> 0:20:22.119
<v Speaker 1>It's your moment to validate, certainly, But that person is

0:20:22.160 --> 0:20:23.760
<v Speaker 1>trying to say to you, if you feel like you

0:20:23.800 --> 0:20:26.040
<v Speaker 1>want to talk about how you feel, find another time

0:20:26.040 --> 0:20:26.360
<v Speaker 1>for that.

0:20:26.359 --> 0:20:27.359
<v Speaker 3>Clarity is key.

0:20:27.600 --> 0:20:30.680
<v Speaker 2>Some people like to take a break in the middle

0:20:30.720 --> 0:20:33.320
<v Speaker 2>of a conversation to kind of recenter themselves. I think

0:20:33.359 --> 0:20:36.160
<v Speaker 2>a timeline is like imperative if you like to take breaks.

0:20:36.160 --> 0:20:37.760
<v Speaker 2>If you're somebody like that who's like needs to take

0:20:37.760 --> 0:20:41.520
<v Speaker 2>a five. You can't just like pause a conversation that's

0:20:41.520 --> 0:20:44.760
<v Speaker 2>important to two people indefinitely. You need to agree on

0:20:44.800 --> 0:20:46.560
<v Speaker 2>a time and then go back to it and do

0:20:46.640 --> 0:20:48.800
<v Speaker 2>whatever you need to do right because we're all responsible

0:20:48.800 --> 0:20:52.280
<v Speaker 2>for ourselves to come back at that time as your

0:20:52.320 --> 0:20:55.320
<v Speaker 2>best self, as your most prepared self, even keeled like

0:20:56.320 --> 0:21:01.360
<v Speaker 2>solutions oriented self. We all communicate differently, and sometimes it's

0:21:01.400 --> 0:21:04.000
<v Speaker 2>just about even just checking in with the person and

0:21:04.040 --> 0:21:06.480
<v Speaker 2>asking them for clarity. Hey, you know you said this

0:21:06.640 --> 0:21:08.400
<v Speaker 2>or you did this thing, or you made this face.

0:21:08.800 --> 0:21:11.800
<v Speaker 2>Am I misinterpreting it? And you know what, half of

0:21:11.800 --> 0:21:14.000
<v Speaker 2>the time you are. Half of the time the person

0:21:14.040 --> 0:21:16.200
<v Speaker 2>has no idea what the what their impact of their

0:21:16.240 --> 0:21:20.000
<v Speaker 2>actions were, or maybe it was intentional or or you know,

0:21:20.040 --> 0:21:23.000
<v Speaker 2>they weren't aware or or maybe you know there was

0:21:23.000 --> 0:21:26.720
<v Speaker 2>something else going on with them at that moment. Curiosity,

0:21:26.800 --> 0:21:29.560
<v Speaker 2>I think should be like number three, you know, listening,

0:21:30.480 --> 0:21:32.600
<v Speaker 2>learn about the person that you're interested in or you're

0:21:32.640 --> 0:21:33.240
<v Speaker 2>invested in.

0:21:33.640 --> 0:21:34.639
<v Speaker 3>Number one, listen.

0:21:35.119 --> 0:21:39.480
<v Speaker 2>Number two communication is about understanding, it's not about vomiting.

0:21:40.280 --> 0:21:43.920
<v Speaker 3>And number three become curious and number.

0:21:43.640 --> 0:21:46.680
<v Speaker 1>Four if you don't want to hear nothing, you just

0:21:46.800 --> 0:21:52.199
<v Speaker 1>glaze over your eyes and go I not speaking English.

0:21:50.440 --> 0:21:53.080
<v Speaker 3>Thank you, let's just kid.

0:21:53.240 --> 0:21:57.080
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, all right, babe, Well this is this has been amazing.

0:21:57.080 --> 0:22:01.760
<v Speaker 1>I think we have one question left. Yeah. Again, can't

0:22:01.760 --> 0:22:05.680
<v Speaker 1>thank you guys enough for all of your contributions. I

0:22:05.720 --> 0:22:07.760
<v Speaker 1>love learning about you, even though anonymously.

0:22:08.720 --> 0:22:09.920
<v Speaker 3>And again, you.

0:22:09.840 --> 0:22:14.199
<v Speaker 1>Know, please don't take our advice as it comes like

0:22:14.240 --> 0:22:16.919
<v Speaker 1>from two girls who genuinely care about you guys, and

0:22:17.320 --> 0:22:19.600
<v Speaker 1>based on our life experience and things that we've learned

0:22:19.640 --> 0:22:21.520
<v Speaker 1>so far in our short lives because we're very young,

0:22:22.280 --> 0:22:24.480
<v Speaker 1>but you know, we've been through at least enough stuff

0:22:24.480 --> 0:22:26.879
<v Speaker 1>by this, at least three decades, at least three decades

0:22:27.000 --> 0:22:30.960
<v Speaker 1>enough to share ourtive, our perspective and things that have

0:22:31.080 --> 0:22:34.440
<v Speaker 1>helped us, especially like with this communication styles question.

0:22:34.480 --> 0:22:35.879
<v Speaker 3>You know that's something that we struggle with.

0:22:35.960 --> 0:22:38.880
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, we're always learning, always learning, and always finding new

0:22:38.960 --> 0:22:41.800
<v Speaker 1>ways to improve. It's never too late in your life

0:22:41.840 --> 0:22:46.000
<v Speaker 1>to change things about your stuff, yourself, or your environment

0:22:46.840 --> 0:22:49.800
<v Speaker 1>that aren't working for you. And there are many different

0:22:49.840 --> 0:22:50.520
<v Speaker 1>ways to do that.

0:22:50.560 --> 0:22:51.639
<v Speaker 3>But honor how you feel.

0:22:52.119 --> 0:22:55.439
<v Speaker 1>All right, Last question, my mom still talks to my

0:22:55.640 --> 0:22:57.960
<v Speaker 1>toxic X because she always liked them.

0:22:58.080 --> 0:23:01.480
<v Speaker 3>How do I set boundaries? That's a really tough one.

0:23:02.080 --> 0:23:05.520
<v Speaker 1>I mean John can answer this one, but all I

0:23:05.560 --> 0:23:07.679
<v Speaker 1>will say because boundaries are a big thing for me.

0:23:09.400 --> 0:23:11.840
<v Speaker 1>You know, your toxic X is your toxic X, but

0:23:11.880 --> 0:23:14.000
<v Speaker 1>your mom is your mom. So I would say that

0:23:14.320 --> 0:23:17.000
<v Speaker 1>not to expect your ex to change their behavior or

0:23:17.119 --> 0:23:18.840
<v Speaker 1>try to open a door that is going to be

0:23:18.880 --> 0:23:21.320
<v Speaker 1>dangerous for you, but hopefully expect that your mom will

0:23:21.440 --> 0:23:26.840
<v Speaker 1>understand how it's inappropriate for her to continue or.

0:23:26.760 --> 0:23:32.080
<v Speaker 2>How it makes you. First of all, again try a conversation.

0:23:32.560 --> 0:23:36.640
<v Speaker 2>Maybe your mom doesn't really understand why it is that

0:23:36.840 --> 0:23:39.560
<v Speaker 2>you've gotten no contact with this person, or why they're

0:23:39.600 --> 0:23:42.640
<v Speaker 2>triggering for you, or why you don't want them around.

0:23:42.920 --> 0:23:47.400
<v Speaker 2>You can't control other people's relationships. The fact that your

0:23:47.400 --> 0:23:50.480
<v Speaker 2>mom has a relationship with your ex, even though it

0:23:50.520 --> 0:23:54.120
<v Speaker 2>happened through you, is essentially independent of you. I would

0:23:54.160 --> 0:23:56.280
<v Speaker 2>hope that if you were to express to your ex

0:23:56.280 --> 0:24:01.040
<v Speaker 2>that you wanted a stern break or separation, that they

0:24:01.040 --> 0:24:03.320
<v Speaker 2>would respect that. But if they're not respecting that and

0:24:03.880 --> 0:24:08.080
<v Speaker 2>your mom is continuing the relationship, then perhaps express to

0:24:08.080 --> 0:24:13.440
<v Speaker 2>your mom how it's making you feel, and if she persists. Unfortunately,

0:24:14.000 --> 0:24:17.200
<v Speaker 2>you can't control her. You can't control them. The only

0:24:17.240 --> 0:24:20.040
<v Speaker 2>thing you do is just control how you engage. If

0:24:20.080 --> 0:24:23.600
<v Speaker 2>it's something like, you know, really bad where your ex

0:24:23.720 --> 0:24:29.239
<v Speaker 2>was toxic and you're healing from the relationship, and that

0:24:29.280 --> 0:24:32.679
<v Speaker 2>means that you need to establish a certain distance with

0:24:32.760 --> 0:24:36.120
<v Speaker 2>your mom so that you're not confronted by that reality constantly,

0:24:36.119 --> 0:24:38.000
<v Speaker 2>then maybe that's what you have to do. I would

0:24:38.040 --> 0:24:40.080
<v Speaker 2>hope that once you let your mom know the severity

0:24:40.080 --> 0:24:42.800
<v Speaker 2>of the situation that she would absolutely understand and welcome

0:24:43.200 --> 0:24:44.960
<v Speaker 2>your experience with open arms.

0:24:45.000 --> 0:24:47.720
<v Speaker 3>But that's not guaranteed. How do you set the boundary?

0:24:47.800 --> 0:24:48.680
<v Speaker 3>You just said it.

0:24:49.000 --> 0:24:53.320
<v Speaker 2>You just said it, and it can't be you know, mom,

0:24:53.359 --> 0:24:57.040
<v Speaker 2>My boundary is you can't talk to my ex. The

0:24:57.080 --> 0:25:01.560
<v Speaker 2>boundary is, Mom, if you you can't respect or you

0:25:01.600 --> 0:25:05.919
<v Speaker 2>can't honor my wishes, then that means that maybe I

0:25:05.920 --> 0:25:08.200
<v Speaker 2>won't be able to share with you in this way,

0:25:08.520 --> 0:25:10.919
<v Speaker 2>or maybe in the future I won't feel comfortable or

0:25:10.960 --> 0:25:14.560
<v Speaker 2>safe to discuss or share in my romantic relationships with you,

0:25:15.080 --> 0:25:16.280
<v Speaker 2>or or whatever it is.

0:25:16.560 --> 0:25:20.000
<v Speaker 3>It's not easy. It's really not easy. It's a crappy situation.

0:25:20.160 --> 0:25:22.760
<v Speaker 2>Because I've been there, I've been there where it's not

0:25:22.800 --> 0:25:24.720
<v Speaker 2>even because the person's a bad person. I've just wanted

0:25:24.760 --> 0:25:28.040
<v Speaker 2>to like erase, like clean cut. And you know, my

0:25:28.119 --> 0:25:32.240
<v Speaker 2>mom has held on it, so you know, I know

0:25:32.320 --> 0:25:34.280
<v Speaker 2>that it's It's not an easy situation to be in.

0:25:34.520 --> 0:25:39.560
<v Speaker 2>But chances are if you bring it up at another moment,

0:25:39.640 --> 0:25:41.320
<v Speaker 2>not in a moment of combat, not like you just

0:25:41.359 --> 0:25:43.600
<v Speaker 2>found out that they're talking, and you just share how

0:25:43.600 --> 0:25:47.200
<v Speaker 2>you feel, maybe your mom, you know, can resonate.

0:25:46.880 --> 0:25:51.280
<v Speaker 1>And chances are, chances are that your mom has an X.

0:25:51.400 --> 0:25:55.200
<v Speaker 1>So you go findex and you go on a cruise

0:25:55.200 --> 0:25:56.800
<v Speaker 1>with them, and you send them a calendar.

0:25:57.320 --> 0:25:59.600
<v Speaker 3>Love it. Even baby has the best advice.

0:25:59.600 --> 0:26:02.960
<v Speaker 1>You see, I'm saying, start advice, Colin, love it.

0:26:03.080 --> 0:26:05.399
<v Speaker 3>We're gonna get myself sued, or don't get sued. We

0:26:05.400 --> 0:26:06.159
<v Speaker 3>don't need any of that.

0:26:06.880 --> 0:26:09.440
<v Speaker 1>Okay, Well, whatever it is, it's worth it because I've

0:26:09.520 --> 0:26:13.320
<v Speaker 1>enjoyed listening to your guys questions and interacting with you' all.

0:26:13.359 --> 0:26:15.919
<v Speaker 1>So thank you for being on these two amazing flights

0:26:15.920 --> 0:26:17.720
<v Speaker 1>with us. We love you and that's what.

0:26:17.640 --> 0:26:18.720
<v Speaker 3>We get into next week.

0:26:19.280 --> 0:26:27.359
<v Speaker 1>Love you, hey, follow us on in our world, Pard Launch.

0:26:27.960 --> 0:26:30.600
<v Speaker 2>This podcast is brought to you by Moonflower Productions in

0:26:30.640 --> 0:26:32.639
<v Speaker 2>partnership with Iheartsmichael.

0:26:32.000 --> 0:26:33.320
<v Speaker 3>Da Podcast Network.

0:26:33.680 --> 0:26:36.760
<v Speaker 2>For more podcasts, visit the iHeartRadio app, or wherever you

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