1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:03,880 Speaker 1: If you shut down your partner's opinions, you're not creating 2 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:07,680 Speaker 1: a safe, vulnerable space for you to connect. People think 3 00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:10,160 Speaker 1: if I agree with my partner, then we go deeper. 4 00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:13,840 Speaker 1: That's not true, But don't also try and disagree. Listen, 5 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:17,720 Speaker 1: let them express, and instead of jumping to your conclusion 6 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:19,599 Speaker 1: to defend your point of view, asked, why do you 7 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:22,439 Speaker 1: feel that way? Where did that thought process come from? 8 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:25,200 Speaker 1: How do you think we could avoid that? Could? I 9 00:00:25,239 --> 00:00:27,800 Speaker 1: ask you if you could ever see that differently? These 10 00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:38,320 Speaker 1: are great questions. Hey, everyone, welcome back to our Purpose, 11 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:41,479 Speaker 1: the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to 12 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:43,520 Speaker 1: each and every single one of you that come back 13 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:48,279 Speaker 1: every week to listen, learn and grow. Now. I know 14 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:54,760 Speaker 1: that you want to build deeper, more powerful, more fulfilling relationships, 15 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:59,240 Speaker 1: but it's not always easy and it can be really 16 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:04,640 Speaker 1: truly challenging. There can be so many new issues, new discoveries, 17 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:10,560 Speaker 1: old trauma, old baggage that comes into a relationship that 18 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:14,679 Speaker 1: can affect it at any point at any time. And 19 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:20,320 Speaker 1: today I want to discuss the methods to improve intimacy, 20 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:26,600 Speaker 1: to stop a relationship from getting boring or breaking. It's 21 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,720 Speaker 1: so often, isn't it that a relationship in the beginning 22 00:01:29,959 --> 00:01:34,480 Speaker 1: is full of sparks, it's full of excitement, it's full 23 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:39,920 Speaker 1: of that chemistry. We feel that attraction, we feel that 24 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:45,280 Speaker 1: positive flow of energy, and then a couple of years later, 25 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:50,360 Speaker 1: and a couple of years after that, we forget that 26 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:55,240 Speaker 1: that even existed. And maybe now there's someone else that 27 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:59,000 Speaker 1: we're feeling a bit of attraction or chemistry towards. Maybe 28 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:02,560 Speaker 1: we're not, maybe we're not feeling it at all, and 29 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:06,320 Speaker 1: we want it back with this person. Here's the thing. 30 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:11,880 Speaker 1: If you're at breaking point, or you're at boredom, or 31 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:16,560 Speaker 1: you want to learn how to build intimacy, this episode 32 00:02:16,639 --> 00:02:20,160 Speaker 1: is for you. Those are the three things that we experience. 33 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:24,040 Speaker 1: You either need to learn how to build intimacy, or 34 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,040 Speaker 1: you're bored and therefore you need to know how to 35 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:31,600 Speaker 1: build intimacy, or you're at breaking point and you need 36 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:36,399 Speaker 1: to see whether there's any intimacy at all. Now I'm 37 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:39,400 Speaker 1: going to read the Dictionary definition of intimacy, because I 38 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:41,960 Speaker 1: think even these words need to be better defined. You 39 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,160 Speaker 1: can hear me googling away to check it for you. 40 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:52,200 Speaker 1: Intimacy means close familiarity or friendship closeness. Now, when you 41 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:57,880 Speaker 1: hear that you think, actually, familiarity is the thing that 42 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:02,839 Speaker 1: makes relationships boring. It's actually what causes the issue. So 43 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:07,640 Speaker 1: what is the difference between intimacy and familiarity. Intimacy is 44 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:15,600 Speaker 1: the feeling of closeness. Familiarity is being close, right, There's 45 00:03:15,639 --> 00:03:20,600 Speaker 1: a difference between being close and the feeling of closeness. 46 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:24,480 Speaker 1: You can be physically close to someone. You can live 47 00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:27,919 Speaker 1: in the same home or apartment. You can have a 48 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:35,280 Speaker 1: close proximity to another human being. Proximity can equal familiarity, 49 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:40,320 Speaker 1: but proximity does not equal a feeling of closeness. For example, 50 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:43,320 Speaker 1: you can even live next door to someone, but just 51 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,760 Speaker 1: because you live next door to them doesn't mean you 52 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:48,520 Speaker 1: feel close to them. Just because you live in the 53 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:51,200 Speaker 1: same house as someone else does not mean you feel 54 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:54,760 Speaker 1: close to them. We want to feel close to the 55 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:57,720 Speaker 1: people that were close to We don't only want to 56 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:01,360 Speaker 1: be close to them. Isn't that true? Isn't that the case. 57 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,720 Speaker 1: You don't just want to be close to someone, You 58 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,640 Speaker 1: want to feel close to someone. You want them to 59 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:11,120 Speaker 1: feel close to you as well. How do we deepen 60 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:15,440 Speaker 1: our closeness with the people we want to have long 61 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:20,599 Speaker 1: lasting relationships with? That's what this episode is dedicated to. 62 00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:26,560 Speaker 1: The first principle is if you want to feel close 63 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:34,200 Speaker 1: to someone, you have to disclose more of yourself. We 64 00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:39,080 Speaker 1: feel closer to people when we allow them to get 65 00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:43,800 Speaker 1: closer to the real us. The Japanese say that we 66 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:48,440 Speaker 1: have three faces. The first you show to the world, 67 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:53,920 Speaker 1: the second you show to your close friends and your family. 68 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:59,720 Speaker 1: The third is the one you never show to anyone, 69 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:04,080 Speaker 1: and it's the truest reflection of who you are. Now. 70 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:06,000 Speaker 1: Whether you think this is true or not, what it 71 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:10,400 Speaker 1: shows us is that there are multiple identities in a relationship, 72 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:15,800 Speaker 1: and studies show that as we become more vulnerable with people, 73 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:19,560 Speaker 1: the closer they feel to us and the closer we 74 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,800 Speaker 1: feel to them. This is why you don't tell your 75 00:05:21,839 --> 00:05:26,400 Speaker 1: life story to a stranger or someone you've just met. Right. 76 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:28,839 Speaker 1: You don't tell your life story just because you find 77 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:33,520 Speaker 1: someone interesting and attractive. We are careful about when we 78 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:37,520 Speaker 1: disclose information about our lives. But if you're in a 79 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:41,279 Speaker 1: place in your life where you're starting to recognize that 80 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:45,520 Speaker 1: the intimacy is waning and the intimacy is becoming weaker, 81 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:51,800 Speaker 1: chances are that you're not sharing your innermost deeper thoughts 82 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:55,679 Speaker 1: and ideas with that person. Now, why does that happen 83 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:59,159 Speaker 1: in a relationship? Often because we think, well, I haven't 84 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:03,440 Speaker 1: had any newer thoughts, so I haven't had any deeper ideas. 85 00:06:04,279 --> 00:06:07,520 Speaker 1: And why is that? Because we haven't spent time with 86 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:12,880 Speaker 1: developing ourselves. We haven't invested in ourselves. If we're always growing, 87 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,200 Speaker 1: we always have something to amazing to share. I realize 88 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:19,400 Speaker 1: this when I've been reading, when I've been learning, I 89 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,679 Speaker 1: have so much to share. I have so many stories 90 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:25,960 Speaker 1: to tell. But when I'm not doing that personal inner work, 91 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:28,560 Speaker 1: I might start to think that I'm boring. I might 92 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,560 Speaker 1: start to think I have nothing to share. I might 93 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,920 Speaker 1: start to think that life is the same. And so 94 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:37,599 Speaker 1: this is a reflection that's saying, if you're growing, you're 95 00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:41,360 Speaker 1: going to feel like you can help your partnership grow. 96 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:45,559 Speaker 1: You will have more to be intimate about, you will 97 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:48,920 Speaker 1: have more to be vulnerable with, because if you're not growing, 98 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:52,719 Speaker 1: then you're not able to help your partner learn more 99 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:56,279 Speaker 1: about you. So I want you to really consider that 100 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:59,400 Speaker 1: as the first point today, that we need to disclose 101 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:02,440 Speaker 1: more about ourselves. But if you're three four years in, 102 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,640 Speaker 1: you may say, well, we know a lot about each other. 103 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:09,240 Speaker 1: But it's your responsibility to educate your partner or more 104 00:07:09,279 --> 00:07:11,520 Speaker 1: about you, and there will only be more about you 105 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:18,440 Speaker 1: when you invest more in yourself. Right. And the important 106 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,880 Speaker 1: thing about this principle is that you have to make 107 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:26,520 Speaker 1: time to do the inner work and time to share 108 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:32,760 Speaker 1: these moments. Right. If we don't make time to really 109 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:37,600 Speaker 1: express what we're going through and what we're experiencing, it's 110 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:40,440 Speaker 1: really difficult. I know a lot of couples who say, well, 111 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,560 Speaker 1: we have nothing in common. If we sat together at dinner, 112 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,760 Speaker 1: then we'd have nothing to talk about. This is what 113 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,720 Speaker 1: you talk about. We think that, oh, don't be too deep, 114 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:51,560 Speaker 1: let's just have fun. That's what helps us bond. Vulnerability 115 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:56,960 Speaker 1: and intimacy go hand in hand. When we disclose more, 116 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,800 Speaker 1: when we're more vulnerable, when we share more, that's what 117 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,560 Speaker 1: deepens our bond. Do not think of it as something 118 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:04,800 Speaker 1: as like, oh, this is getting too close, this is 119 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:09,000 Speaker 1: too serious. Now. This is what creates depth. Now. The 120 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:15,600 Speaker 1: second principle, which is really huge, is about doing something 121 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:21,560 Speaker 1: fresh together right. You will never have a reset or 122 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:25,200 Speaker 1: refresh in a relationship if you keep doing the same 123 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:29,640 Speaker 1: old thing again and again and again. Everyone has their 124 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:33,560 Speaker 1: typical date night, dinner in a movie, or hang out 125 00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:37,200 Speaker 1: with friends by Netflix and chill. The more you repeat 126 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:43,560 Speaker 1: the same old activity, your intimacy weakens. Your intimacy does 127 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:47,600 Speaker 1: not strengthen because you're doing the same thing, learning the 128 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:51,120 Speaker 1: same thing about your partner. The reason why doing new 129 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:55,640 Speaker 1: things is important is because in that new you learn 130 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:58,160 Speaker 1: something new about your partner. Now, this is very key 131 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 1: that neither of you can be a row. It's not 132 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:04,480 Speaker 1: like saying, hey, I love crypto, come with me to 133 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:08,520 Speaker 1: a crypto conference. No, you both need to be novices 134 00:09:08,559 --> 00:09:11,920 Speaker 1: in the area. When you're both novices, it's equal ground. 135 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:15,840 Speaker 1: The challenge with relationships and why we don't build intimacies 136 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:17,840 Speaker 1: because one of us says, oh, I already know that, 137 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:21,240 Speaker 1: I know how that works. You want to create a 138 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:24,200 Speaker 1: space where both of you feel, hey, I have no 139 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,959 Speaker 1: idea how this works. We're both going to learn something 140 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:30,160 Speaker 1: new today. We're both going to feel uncomfortable today, We're 141 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,839 Speaker 1: both going to need each other today, We're both going 142 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,120 Speaker 1: to rely on each other today. All of a sudden, 143 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:40,800 Speaker 1: intimacy starts to build. Right, Intimacy starts to build because 144 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:46,480 Speaker 1: now we're genuinely exposing ourselves to each other. So now 145 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,839 Speaker 1: we're learning new things about ourselves. That's why when you're 146 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:52,000 Speaker 1: on whether it's a first date or a hundredth date, 147 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:56,520 Speaker 1: doing something new together is highly effective because you actually 148 00:09:56,520 --> 00:10:03,239 Speaker 1: get to see the other person in action. Step number three. 149 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:10,520 Speaker 1: Step number three is take on a project together. If 150 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:14,480 Speaker 1: you're losing intimacy, it's because your lives are completely separate. Now, 151 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:18,440 Speaker 1: there are three relationships in a relationship. There's the relationship 152 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:22,200 Speaker 1: that person has with themselves and their purpose. There's a 153 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:25,640 Speaker 1: relationship you have with yourself and your purpose, and then 154 00:10:25,679 --> 00:10:29,280 Speaker 1: you have a relationship together. And often none of these 155 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:32,200 Speaker 1: are prioritized and none of them have a goal. We 156 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:34,720 Speaker 1: believe our relationship with each other is we watch shows 157 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,480 Speaker 1: together and we're committed together. That person has their job, 158 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,960 Speaker 1: I have my job, and that's it. But you have 159 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:44,040 Speaker 1: to take on a project together. Right, When you take 160 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:48,480 Speaker 1: a project together, you deepen your intimacy and you deepen 161 00:10:48,559 --> 00:10:54,040 Speaker 1: your commitment. Now, there's something really interesting that I read 162 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:58,679 Speaker 1: in a brilliant study, and it was talking about how 163 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:02,480 Speaker 1: when there's a marriage between these two individuals and it 164 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,320 Speaker 1: was stagnating. So what they decided to do as a 165 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:08,400 Speaker 1: family was to create a project of a year long 166 00:11:08,559 --> 00:11:12,600 Speaker 1: sailing trip in the Caribbean. And as they started to 167 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:17,920 Speaker 1: plan this really long, crazy trip, they actually felt closer 168 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,160 Speaker 1: because of it. They had to plan a routine to 169 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:24,960 Speaker 1: spend time together to develop the idea, They had to 170 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:29,800 Speaker 1: schedule proper quality discussions and brainstorms. They now got to 171 00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:33,040 Speaker 1: see the creativity of each other. So often you have 172 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:36,400 Speaker 1: to invent a fake project, a project that you're building 173 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:41,000 Speaker 1: towards that you both can commit to that helps you 174 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:44,400 Speaker 1: understand each other better. And often we need something external 175 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:48,000 Speaker 1: to pull us there, to drive us there. Right, it 176 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:52,720 Speaker 1: doesn't have to be something that's hugely meaningful. It could 177 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:56,199 Speaker 1: be saying, let's plan our vacation together this year, right, 178 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,800 Speaker 1: let's schedule time every week to do this, to really 179 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:01,880 Speaker 1: hear about our likes and what's going to make it amazing. 180 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,840 Speaker 1: When you take on a project together, you naturally build 181 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:12,160 Speaker 1: intimacy and connection, and for me, projects are a really 182 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,920 Speaker 1: beautiful way because it's bringing a goal in together. If 183 00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:21,840 Speaker 1: you notice relationships lose or never have goals when you 184 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,080 Speaker 1: first get together, the goal maybe well, let's figure out 185 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,320 Speaker 1: if we're right for each other. Okay, now we figured 186 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,080 Speaker 1: out we're right for each other. The goal is, okay, 187 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,440 Speaker 1: should we move in together? Okay, we're moving in together, 188 00:12:30,679 --> 00:12:32,439 Speaker 1: all right, whether we get married or not. Let's say 189 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,400 Speaker 1: we get married or we don't get married, we're out together. 190 00:12:34,679 --> 00:12:37,600 Speaker 1: The goal stop. Okay, maybe the goal is to start 191 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,680 Speaker 1: a family. But then once we have kids and we're 192 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,600 Speaker 1: raising them, where does the goal go? And the goalpost 193 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:47,439 Speaker 1: just get lost. A project gives you a very tangible, 194 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:52,160 Speaker 1: short term goal or a long term goal that prioritizes 195 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:56,280 Speaker 1: and focuses your connection on something meaningful. Otherwise, you can 196 00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:59,280 Speaker 1: often wonder why are we even together? Because we enjoy 197 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,360 Speaker 1: each other's company. Okay, sure, but what are we doing 198 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:05,360 Speaker 1: with that? For me? And these things have really been 199 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,480 Speaker 1: powerful for us. Before the pandemic, we used to do 200 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,400 Speaker 1: these events at our home where we would invite our 201 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:14,679 Speaker 1: closest friends and have these deep, beautiful meditations at our homes. 202 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:18,120 Speaker 1: They were so incredible and we cannot wait to start 203 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:21,679 Speaker 1: doing them again because they bonded our community. They built 204 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,000 Speaker 1: us the most beautiful community that we have here in 205 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:28,120 Speaker 1: La because of those events. Now, those events gave our 206 00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:33,360 Speaker 1: relationship purpose because we both deeply value meditation and well 207 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:37,559 Speaker 1: being and spirituality, and those events allowed us to serve 208 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,760 Speaker 1: our friends together. So rather would be planning the menu 209 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:44,280 Speaker 1: and the decor and design, I'd be doing the guest list, 210 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:48,120 Speaker 1: the invite and making sure that all the logistics were planned, 211 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:50,679 Speaker 1: and it would be such a fun thing to do together. 212 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,880 Speaker 1: We used to do around three per year, and I'd 213 00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,360 Speaker 1: be thinking about the musicians that we'd invite, and just 214 00:13:56,559 --> 00:13:59,599 Speaker 1: doing that together brought so much joy and there was 215 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:03,640 Speaker 1: such a sense of accomplishment. After the event would be over, 216 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:07,280 Speaker 1: and after the evening was over, we'd feel so deeply 217 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:10,040 Speaker 1: joyful and grateful that that was something we achieved together. 218 00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:13,520 Speaker 1: And I think this is really critical that as a 219 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:17,360 Speaker 1: couple in a relationship, we have to achieve things together. 220 00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:20,120 Speaker 1: We may be achieving things in our personal life and 221 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:23,520 Speaker 1: our private life and our own careers. What are we 222 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:28,760 Speaker 1: achieving together? What are we breaking through together? And it 223 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,040 Speaker 1: doesn't have to be huge like os wasn't awards. It 224 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:36,240 Speaker 1: was an event and that escalated and scaled as we 225 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:38,360 Speaker 1: started to do more together where we decided we wanted 226 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,840 Speaker 1: to do Sarma, and Sarma came very late in our life. 227 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:45,640 Speaker 1: Our tea company, Sarma was you know, after five years 228 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,480 Speaker 1: of being married that it came into our lives. But 229 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,800 Speaker 1: when I think about how it all started, it started 230 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:53,960 Speaker 1: with these well being based events where we would serve tea, 231 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:57,040 Speaker 1: where we would serve food. And so you never know 232 00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,880 Speaker 1: where something's going to go, You never know how something's 233 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:03,160 Speaker 1: going to grow. But it's a really, really powerful thing 234 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:08,440 Speaker 1: for you to think about. The next principle is you 235 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:14,600 Speaker 1: have to make sure that you're creating a sanctuary, safe 236 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,680 Speaker 1: space for your partner to truly be honest with you. 237 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:21,680 Speaker 1: We often say we want honest communication. We often say 238 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:27,360 Speaker 1: that I really truly want to be able to have 239 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,880 Speaker 1: real conversations with you. But then when our partner says 240 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:35,160 Speaker 1: something that may be true but it triggers us, we 241 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:39,200 Speaker 1: retaliate say no, no, no, I don't want to hear that. No, 242 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,400 Speaker 1: why do you think that right? Why is that your 243 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,240 Speaker 1: opinion that I don't like the way you think? And 244 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,720 Speaker 1: I see this more often than not in relationships. I 245 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:50,200 Speaker 1: was with a couple the other day and one of 246 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:53,480 Speaker 1: the partners told me that whenever they talk about this 247 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:56,560 Speaker 1: to their partner, their partner just judges them. And what 248 00:15:56,680 --> 00:16:00,040 Speaker 1: that does is that judgment makes them more quiet, It 249 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:04,920 Speaker 1: makes them less vulnerable, it makes them less honest. It's 250 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:08,160 Speaker 1: not that it makes them dishonest, it just makes them 251 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,760 Speaker 1: disclose less. And I wonder how many of us have 252 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:16,160 Speaker 1: stopped disclosing things in our relationships because we feel judged 253 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,400 Speaker 1: because of how we feel. We feel that our opinions 254 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:25,400 Speaker 1: are not appreciated, or that our partner can't even entertain 255 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:28,720 Speaker 1: our opinion. And this is something that I find fascinating 256 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,000 Speaker 1: that if you love someone, or if you're trying to 257 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,760 Speaker 1: love someone, or you're investing in a relationship with someone, 258 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:40,400 Speaker 1: be open to give their opinions an opportunity, Be open 259 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:45,440 Speaker 1: enough to give their opinions an opportunity. If you shut 260 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:49,320 Speaker 1: down your partner's opinions, you are not creating a safe, 261 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,920 Speaker 1: vulnerable space for you to connect. You don't have to 262 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:57,640 Speaker 1: agree to connect, you don't have to disagree. That definitely 263 00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:01,600 Speaker 1: leads to disconnect. People think, if I agree with my partner, 264 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,119 Speaker 1: then we go deeper. If they agree with me, we 265 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:09,000 Speaker 1: go deeper. That's not true. But don't also try and disagree. Listen, 266 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:15,000 Speaker 1: allow let them express why do they feel that way? 267 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,239 Speaker 1: And instead of jumping to your conclusion to defend your 268 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,240 Speaker 1: point of view, ask why do you feel that way? 269 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:22,800 Speaker 1: Where did that thought process come from. How do you 270 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:25,960 Speaker 1: think we could avoid that? Could? I ask you if 271 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:29,280 Speaker 1: you could ever see that differently? These are great questions, 272 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:33,680 Speaker 1: whereas so often in our relationships we just say, well 273 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,520 Speaker 1: I disagree with that. No, no, no, that's not true. 274 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,080 Speaker 1: Stop talking to your friends about that. How many times 275 00:17:39,119 --> 00:17:41,399 Speaker 1: have you ever been in this situation? More often than not, 276 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:45,639 Speaker 1: I'm sure, And it's something to pay attention to because 277 00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:51,360 Speaker 1: often not disclosing information or not creating a space a 278 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:57,440 Speaker 1: closeness to disclose information can lead to disconnection. I want 279 00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:01,080 Speaker 1: to share with you the biggest news of the year. 280 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:05,120 Speaker 1: How many of you want to meditate? I can see 281 00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:07,719 Speaker 1: your heads nodding, I can see you raising your hands. 282 00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,080 Speaker 1: I can see you saying, yes, Jay, I really want 283 00:18:10,119 --> 00:18:12,560 Speaker 1: to learn to meditate. How many of you would like 284 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:17,880 Speaker 1: to learn to meditate with me? Every single day? Now, 285 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,960 Speaker 1: I already know what the answer is because I know 286 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:24,719 Speaker 1: how many messages DMS reviews notes that I get saying Jay, 287 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,760 Speaker 1: I'd love to meditate with you. Last year, we took 288 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:31,600 Speaker 1: meditation to Instagram and I meditated for around forty days 289 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:35,520 Speaker 1: live and twenty million of you tuned in. Now I 290 00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:39,879 Speaker 1: am taking that same focus, that same presence to Calm. 291 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:44,400 Speaker 1: I've partnered up with Calm to release a new series 292 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:47,439 Speaker 1: called The Daily Jay where you can meditate with me 293 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:51,280 Speaker 1: every single day for seven minutes to make it a 294 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:53,800 Speaker 1: real habit. I would love for you to come and 295 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:57,680 Speaker 1: join me and take part in building a really powerful 296 00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:01,200 Speaker 1: meditation practice and guess what we're going to do it together. 297 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:04,399 Speaker 1: Head over right now to Calm dot com forward slash 298 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:07,960 Speaker 1: j to get forty percent off a premium membership. That's 299 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:14,280 Speaker 1: Calm dot com Forward slash J. One thing about intimacy 300 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:24,440 Speaker 1: is it is created by expressing gratitude with vulnerability too. 301 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:27,160 Speaker 1: So just as we need a space where we can 302 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,720 Speaker 1: be honest about what we want our partner to improve 303 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:34,800 Speaker 1: or something we're struggling with, we also need an opportunity 304 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:39,320 Speaker 1: for our partner to know what we love about them. 305 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:44,120 Speaker 1: And often when not that clear about what we love 306 00:19:44,119 --> 00:19:46,359 Speaker 1: about them because we assume that they should know, or 307 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,080 Speaker 1: we don't want to be cheesy, or we don't want 308 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:53,520 Speaker 1: to be predictable, or we think it just sounds like 309 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:57,240 Speaker 1: you know, we think it just sounds soft, and often 310 00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:02,920 Speaker 1: that's the case. Often the cases we stop expressing gratitude 311 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:07,800 Speaker 1: or noticing the beauty and what our partner does, says, 312 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:11,679 Speaker 1: or achieves. And maybe we wait to birthdays, maybe we 313 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:14,400 Speaker 1: wait to Valentine's Day. But what if we didn't wait 314 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,560 Speaker 1: for any of those days? Right? What if we didn't 315 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:18,879 Speaker 1: wait for any of those days? And what if we 316 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,479 Speaker 1: were able to do it immediately? What if we were 317 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:25,440 Speaker 1: able to do it in the moment? And you may 318 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:29,199 Speaker 1: be thinking, well, would I thank them every day for 319 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:33,040 Speaker 1: cooking for me? And I'd say why not? And you 320 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:36,240 Speaker 1: may say, should I thank my partner every day for 321 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,840 Speaker 1: moving the car so that I could leave on time? 322 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,560 Speaker 1: Why not? Should you thank your partner every day for 323 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:47,040 Speaker 1: preparing your tea or coffee? Why not? Why would we 324 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:50,960 Speaker 1: not take that opportunity? Because I tell you what, the 325 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:56,320 Speaker 1: effort it takes to express that gratitude is nothing compared 326 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:59,240 Speaker 1: to the regret we face if we never got to 327 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:01,560 Speaker 1: say it again? Right, when you look at things in 328 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:04,000 Speaker 1: that context, and I'm not trying to be dark or morbid, 329 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,040 Speaker 1: I'm just being honest. When you look at things with 330 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:09,800 Speaker 1: the context of wouldn't I want them to know if 331 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:11,880 Speaker 1: I lost someone, wouldn't I want them to know today 332 00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:14,280 Speaker 1: how I felt? Or would I been okay that I 333 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,399 Speaker 1: told them last week, or would I have been okay 334 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:19,000 Speaker 1: that I told them last month? And you may say, well, yeah, 335 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:20,760 Speaker 1: you can't live life like that, and I would say, 336 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:24,119 Speaker 1: well why not, Because I've noticed that when we notice 337 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:27,360 Speaker 1: more things about our partners, more often, not only are 338 00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:31,400 Speaker 1: we reminded of how amazing and incredible they are, they 339 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:34,439 Speaker 1: are reminded of how amazing and incredible they are, which 340 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:43,000 Speaker 1: rewards our relationship exponentially. It rewards our relationship exponentially. It's 341 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:48,880 Speaker 1: absolutely incredible, actually, to be honest, how much compliments and 342 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:53,200 Speaker 1: genuine acts of service can make such a big difference 343 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:57,880 Speaker 1: in relationships. Now, I want you to think about your 344 00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:01,960 Speaker 1: intimacy and your growth. If you ended up feeling bored 345 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:07,320 Speaker 1: or you feel you're at that verge of things breaking apart, 346 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:12,480 Speaker 1: chances are it's because you haven't watered the tree for 347 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:16,160 Speaker 1: a while. You haven't watered the plant. There's a beautiful thought, 348 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:19,600 Speaker 1: an idea which is often accredited to the Buddha, where 349 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:23,280 Speaker 1: the question is asked, what's the difference between I like 350 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:26,359 Speaker 1: you and I love you? And the Buddha replies, when 351 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:28,960 Speaker 1: you like a flower, you just pluck it, maybe you 352 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:31,600 Speaker 1: smell it. But when you love a flower, you water 353 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:36,480 Speaker 1: it daily. If we stop watering the flower of our relationship, 354 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:39,440 Speaker 1: the plant of our relationship, the tree of our relationship, 355 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:43,040 Speaker 1: it stops growing, and most of us stop watering it 356 00:22:43,119 --> 00:22:45,600 Speaker 1: as soon as we have it. It's almost like saying, 357 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:47,560 Speaker 1: as soon as I have the flower, as soon as 358 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:50,000 Speaker 1: the flower grows, we're going to stop watering it, because 359 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:54,320 Speaker 1: the flowers grown now. But what happens The flower starts 360 00:22:54,359 --> 00:22:59,440 Speaker 1: to wild, everything starts to fall apart, starts to die. 361 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:03,560 Speaker 1: If your relationship is dying, it's not because the person 362 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:06,000 Speaker 1: was wrong. It's not because you did made the wrong decision. 363 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,639 Speaker 1: It's because we stopped watering it. And guess what the 364 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:10,119 Speaker 1: same thing is going to happen. You may say, well, 365 00:23:10,119 --> 00:23:11,920 Speaker 1: why don't I just buy a new plant? Right? How 366 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:14,280 Speaker 1: many times have you ever had a plant? How many 367 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:17,320 Speaker 1: of you are not good with plants? Be honest, I'm 368 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:20,560 Speaker 1: putting my hand up right now, right and your plant 369 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:21,880 Speaker 1: dies and you say, all right, well, let's just buy 370 00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:23,480 Speaker 1: another one. And then you have someone going, well, no, 371 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:26,800 Speaker 1: let's revive it, right, that's the mentality. Do you want 372 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:30,040 Speaker 1: to revive this plant or do you want to move on? 373 00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:32,560 Speaker 1: But guess what if you move on. You're gonna have 374 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:35,280 Speaker 1: to learn to water that plant every day too, So 375 00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:37,560 Speaker 1: are you just throwing this away because you don't want 376 00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:40,639 Speaker 1: to make the effort? And that's why the real question 377 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:44,080 Speaker 1: in a relationship is do I want to learn with 378 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:49,280 Speaker 1: this person? And do I want to grow with this person? Right? 379 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:52,800 Speaker 1: That's how you create intimacy, is that you choose learning 380 00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:55,359 Speaker 1: and growth together. You're going to have to learn and 381 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:59,000 Speaker 1: grow with someone. Everyone is going to demand you to 382 00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:01,760 Speaker 1: learn and grow in a certain way. The question is 383 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:03,639 Speaker 1: do I want to learn and grow with this person? 384 00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:06,480 Speaker 1: Am I just copying out by saying let's just buy 385 00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:08,600 Speaker 1: another plant because it's easier. But guess what, I'm going 386 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,320 Speaker 1: to stop watering that plant when it has a fruit 387 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:15,119 Speaker 1: or a flower. I hope that analogy makes sense. I 388 00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:17,600 Speaker 1: hope that connects with you and resonates with you what 389 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,919 Speaker 1: I'm trying to explain there. So I want you to 390 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:30,760 Speaker 1: try these elements out for intimacy and there are ways 391 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:35,160 Speaker 1: in which to create that intimacy quicker. And they're called 392 00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:46,720 Speaker 1: the five ease experiences, experiments, education, events, and entertainment. So 393 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:50,480 Speaker 1: let's start with experiments. You have to experiment together more. 394 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:53,040 Speaker 1: Maybe you're going to go to an escape room. Maybe 395 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:57,840 Speaker 1: you're going to experiment with a tasting session. Maybe you're 396 00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:03,879 Speaker 1: going to experiment with trying out something new or experiences. 397 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:07,240 Speaker 1: Experiences make sense right, like are you going to experience 398 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:10,000 Speaker 1: a new city? Are you going to experience a city 399 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:13,960 Speaker 1: by night? Are you going to experience a new country, 400 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,520 Speaker 1: a new culture, a new cuisine? What are you going 401 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:22,040 Speaker 1: to experience together? That's new. Events are really important. When 402 00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:24,159 Speaker 1: was the last time you went to an event together? 403 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,720 Speaker 1: A new event together, something you could discuss. That's what 404 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:30,439 Speaker 1: an event is, so you can share the event and 405 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,960 Speaker 1: then share your reviews with each other. Education, When was 406 00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,760 Speaker 1: the last time you took a course together, a workshop together, 407 00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:41,280 Speaker 1: a class together? And when was the last time, of course, 408 00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:45,760 Speaker 1: you chose entertainment Like notice our entertainment, which is TV music. 409 00:25:46,359 --> 00:25:49,720 Speaker 1: That is one fifth of what creates intimacy, and most 410 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:52,399 Speaker 1: of us that's the majority of how we try and 411 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,480 Speaker 1: build intimacy with our parnor let's switch on a show. 412 00:25:55,119 --> 00:25:57,239 Speaker 1: I'm not saying don't do that. I'm just saying there 413 00:25:57,240 --> 00:26:00,520 Speaker 1: are four other ways this weekend. I want you to 414 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:04,320 Speaker 1: think about one of those other ways and try it out. 415 00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:06,359 Speaker 1: I want to thank you so much for listening to 416 00:26:06,359 --> 00:26:09,159 Speaker 1: on purpose. I hope that you'll share this episode with 417 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,200 Speaker 1: a friend who needs to hear it. I cannot wait 418 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:15,480 Speaker 1: to hear your insights. Make sure you tag me on Instagram, 419 00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:18,560 Speaker 1: on Twitter, on every platform, and I'll see you again 420 00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:22,320 Speaker 1: next week. Thank you so much for listening, and I 421 00:26:22,359 --> 00:26:23,840 Speaker 1: just want to take a moment. Actually, I'm going to 422 00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:27,520 Speaker 1: do this because you're all incredible. I read some amazing 423 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:30,439 Speaker 1: reviews this week, and remember when you leave a review, 424 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:33,240 Speaker 1: I love to read them, and I recommend leaving your 425 00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:36,320 Speaker 1: name so that I can thank you personally. So please 426 00:26:36,359 --> 00:26:38,520 Speaker 1: leave your name because there's so many without names. This 427 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:41,720 Speaker 1: is from Carlie. I discovered Jay in this beautiful podcast 428 00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:43,840 Speaker 1: about a year ago at a time where I was 429 00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:47,159 Speaker 1: going through major change and uprooting my old habits and 430 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:51,760 Speaker 1: belief systems. The divine alignment of these weekly episodes seems 431 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:54,919 Speaker 1: to fall into place where I'm at mentally or what 432 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:57,840 Speaker 1: I didn't even know what I needed to hear. Always 433 00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:01,320 Speaker 1: I returned to Jay's words, tests, and even his book 434 00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:04,159 Speaker 1: to guide me in this young and transformative period of 435 00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:07,560 Speaker 1: my life. I'm only twenty. I have so much to learn, 436 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:12,560 Speaker 1: but I'm truly learning how to learn and love abundantly 437 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:15,680 Speaker 1: through these weekly messages. Thank you for being a ritual 438 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:18,280 Speaker 1: in my life, a guide and a reminder of returning 439 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:22,320 Speaker 1: to my values and purpose. Carly, thank you so so much. 440 00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:24,840 Speaker 1: This one's from Lindsay. Jay. I could listen and re 441 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,639 Speaker 1: listen to every episode. They always seem to ebb and 442 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,840 Speaker 1: flow with my life. I find myself thinking deeper with 443 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,640 Speaker 1: every new episode, which has allowed me to be more 444 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:37,280 Speaker 1: present and calm right now. I'm grateful for this podcast 445 00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:41,119 Speaker 1: and would love episodes that discuss relationships with family and 446 00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:44,320 Speaker 1: friends in turmoil. Okay, noted, I'll do that. How to 447 00:27:44,359 --> 00:27:47,960 Speaker 1: be supportive, assertive, and helpful when times get tough. Thank 448 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:51,439 Speaker 1: you for everything, j Lindsay, Lindsay, and Carl, thank you 449 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:54,880 Speaker 1: so much for these wonderful, wonderful reviews. I appreciate you, 450 00:27:55,359 --> 00:27:57,919 Speaker 1: and if all of you get an opportunity take the 451 00:27:57,960 --> 00:27:59,879 Speaker 1: time to leave a review. They make a big different 452 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:04,840 Speaker 1: to podcasters. We now have over seventeen thousand reviews that 453 00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,760 Speaker 1: I'm so grateful for, and I hope we can get 454 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:10,440 Speaker 1: to twenty thousand this year. That would be an amazing, 455 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:13,600 Speaker 1: amazing goal. Thank you for listening. Everyone, I'll see you soon.