1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:04,200 Speaker 1: Healing starts when you focus on the feeling, not the person, 2 00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:07,760 Speaker 1: and you focus on how you can give yourself that 3 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:12,440 Speaker 1: feeling without that person, How you can create that emotion 4 00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:16,959 Speaker 1: and that experience for yourself that you deserve without that person, 5 00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:21,920 Speaker 1: that you can find that connection with yourself and others 6 00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:27,479 Speaker 1: without that person. When you think that that person is 7 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:31,360 Speaker 1: more powerful than an experience or an emotion, you will 8 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:34,720 Speaker 1: never be able to let go. The number one health 9 00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:42,839 Speaker 1: and wellness podcast, Jay Sheety Jay Sheddy shet. Hey everyone, 10 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,840 Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose. It's Jay Sheddy, your host. 11 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,880 Speaker 1: If you haven't subscribed yet, please do. It will mean 12 00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:51,800 Speaker 1: the world to me and make sure you never miss 13 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:55,360 Speaker 1: out on an upload. If you've recently gone through a breakup, 14 00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:58,520 Speaker 1: or you've been through a breakup, maybe even a couple 15 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:01,360 Speaker 1: of years ago, but it's still affects to This video 16 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:04,679 Speaker 1: is for you. So many people I know right now 17 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:09,639 Speaker 1: have been dumped, broken up with, disconnected and it started 18 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,640 Speaker 1: to affect their self esteem. If you've ever questioned your 19 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,840 Speaker 1: value after a breakup, if you've ever questioned whether you're 20 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:18,880 Speaker 1: worthy of love, if you've ever questioned whether you'll ever 21 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:23,680 Speaker 1: find love, don't skip this video. I want to start 22 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,639 Speaker 1: off by talking to you about what you actually miss, 23 00:01:26,959 --> 00:01:29,240 Speaker 1: because I'm sure your mind is coming up with all 24 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,800 Speaker 1: sorts of things, like you miss the text in the morning, 25 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:36,039 Speaker 1: you miss the conversation before you went to bed, you 26 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,959 Speaker 1: miss the dates you went out on. And it's really 27 00:01:38,959 --> 00:01:42,080 Speaker 1: interesting because when you're focusing on everything you miss, you 28 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:45,840 Speaker 1: actually miss that. You have forgotten all the bad times 29 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:49,760 Speaker 1: right You miss the moments that they treated you badly. 30 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:51,600 Speaker 1: And I don't mean you missed them like you on 31 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:54,000 Speaker 1: them back. You miss them as in you completely forget 32 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:58,040 Speaker 1: they existed. But here's the real thing you miss. You 33 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:01,919 Speaker 1: don't miss them, you miss who you thought you'd be 34 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:05,440 Speaker 1: with them. It's one of the hardest truths to face 35 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:09,840 Speaker 1: that you can love someone deeply, lose them, and still 36 00:02:09,919 --> 00:02:14,000 Speaker 1: feel stuck. Long after the story ends. You tell yourself, 37 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:17,120 Speaker 1: I should be over this by now, but the memories 38 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:20,919 Speaker 1: still show up, the song, the scent, the old photo, 39 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:25,960 Speaker 1: and suddenly you're right back there again. Today, I want 40 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,799 Speaker 1: to talk about what to do when you just can't 41 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:33,400 Speaker 1: get over your ex not from judgment, but from understanding, 42 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:39,040 Speaker 1: because what you're feeling isn't weakness, it's actually wiring. Let's 43 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:41,000 Speaker 1: get into it. I want to start by talking to 44 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:43,679 Speaker 1: you about why you can't let go, because I'm sure 45 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:46,800 Speaker 1: you've experienced it, whether you're scrolling through their social media, 46 00:02:46,919 --> 00:02:48,760 Speaker 1: whether you're checking in with a friend of a friend 47 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:52,760 Speaker 1: who still knows that person, whether you still walk past 48 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:56,160 Speaker 1: their workplace just to see how they are, what's going on, 49 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,799 Speaker 1: whether you're someone who just can't stop looking at your 50 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:03,120 Speaker 1: old pictures with them, your old memories. When we fall 51 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:07,919 Speaker 1: in love, our brains release dopamine and oxytocin, the same 52 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:12,440 Speaker 1: chemicals tied to addiction. That's why a breakup doesn't just 53 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:17,480 Speaker 1: hurt emotionally. It hurts physically. You're in a withdrawal from 54 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:21,320 Speaker 1: a person. But what really keeps you stuck isn't just 55 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:25,880 Speaker 1: the chemistry. Its identity. For months or years, you weren't 56 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:31,639 Speaker 1: just you. You were us. Your plans, routines, even your 57 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:36,080 Speaker 1: sense of self were intertwined with theirs. It was never 58 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:39,200 Speaker 1: about you, It was about both of you. It was 59 00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:42,160 Speaker 1: never just about you, It was about us. It was 60 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:45,000 Speaker 1: never just about you. It was about we. So when 61 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:48,440 Speaker 1: they leave, it doesn't just feel like losing a person. 62 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:54,440 Speaker 1: It feels like losing your reflection. You start chasing closure, 63 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:59,000 Speaker 1: but what you really want is a confirmation that you mattered, 64 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:05,360 Speaker 1: that that version of you feels still alive. But without them, 65 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:09,160 Speaker 1: you've almost mirrored so many of their chemicals that that 66 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:12,600 Speaker 1: part of you that chases that, that wants that still exists, 67 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:17,680 Speaker 1: but the relationship doesn't exist anymore. Maybe you replay every conversation, 68 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:22,880 Speaker 1: every choice, searching for the moment it could have gone differently. 69 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,720 Speaker 1: I know so many people who think back and say, no, 70 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:29,320 Speaker 1: it was this moment. It was the moment that I 71 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:32,720 Speaker 1: started to carve out time for myself. You know what. 72 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,000 Speaker 1: It was this moment when I told them I didn't 73 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,240 Speaker 1: like it when they did that. That was the moment 74 00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:39,200 Speaker 1: I pushed them away. You know. It was the moment 75 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:41,240 Speaker 1: where I talked to them about their ex girlfriend that 76 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,480 Speaker 1: made me feel insecure. That was the moment they walked away. 77 00:04:45,279 --> 00:04:50,080 Speaker 1: You start creating stories, You start creating reasons, You start 78 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:54,840 Speaker 1: creating meaning that actually doesn't exist, that you have no 79 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:59,880 Speaker 1: fact to validate from or verify from. That's not healing. 80 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:04,240 Speaker 1: That's your mind trying to rewrite a story that it 81 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:08,039 Speaker 1: doesn't want to end. Here's the truth about breakups. We 82 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:11,560 Speaker 1: don't get addicted to people. We get addicted to how 83 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:16,200 Speaker 1: we felt around them, how we felt wanted, seen, and chosen, 84 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:20,440 Speaker 1: and now that they're gone, your brain is chasing that feeling, 85 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:24,799 Speaker 1: not the person. It's fascinating that we think we're chasing 86 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:27,919 Speaker 1: the person back, but really we're chasing the feeling back. 87 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:31,159 Speaker 1: And that's why it's so important to go and find 88 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:36,600 Speaker 1: something else that gives you that feeling from yourself, your friends, community, connection, 89 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:39,680 Speaker 1: because that feeling is something that should belong to you. 90 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:44,239 Speaker 1: Being seen is beautiful, being wanted is beautiful, Being chosen 91 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:47,640 Speaker 1: is beautiful. But if it's dependent on one person and 92 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:51,960 Speaker 1: one person alone, that isn't any longer there. Then that 93 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:55,000 Speaker 1: isn't your person. If you want to start letting go 94 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:59,320 Speaker 1: after a breakup, ask yourself, what part of me felt 95 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:02,920 Speaker 1: most alive even that relationship, and how can I give 96 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:08,200 Speaker 1: that back to myself? Now, that's where healing starts. Healing 97 00:06:08,279 --> 00:06:11,920 Speaker 1: starts when you focus on the feeling, not the person, 98 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,440 Speaker 1: and you focus on how you can give yourself that 99 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:20,120 Speaker 1: feeling without that person, How you can create that emotion 100 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:24,680 Speaker 1: and that experience for yourself that you deserve without that person, 101 00:06:25,279 --> 00:06:29,600 Speaker 1: That you can find that connection with yourself and others 102 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:35,200 Speaker 1: without that person. When you think that that person is 103 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:39,080 Speaker 1: more powerful than an experience or an emotion, you will 104 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:42,880 Speaker 1: never be able to let go That emotion is something 105 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:47,120 Speaker 1: you experienced, It's something that came through you and out 106 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:51,120 Speaker 1: of you. It still exists within you. You just have 107 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:54,080 Speaker 1: to find the right spark to rediscover it. You just 108 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,800 Speaker 1: have to reconnect with that part of you that felt 109 00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:59,880 Speaker 1: so alive, that felt so connected, because it's already with 110 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:03,400 Speaker 1: you as yours. You felt it, you felt it. One 111 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,640 Speaker 1: thing we mistake is we think other people make us 112 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:10,559 Speaker 1: feel things. No, other people push buttons, and we feel 113 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:14,680 Speaker 1: what's inside of us. There's an amazing example from Wayne 114 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:17,200 Speaker 1: Dyer where he said, if you squeeze an orange, what 115 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:20,320 Speaker 1: comes out orange juice. You don't squeeze an orange and 116 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:23,320 Speaker 1: lemon juice comes out. What comes out is what's already 117 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:27,120 Speaker 1: within So if someone squeezes you, either in a stressful 118 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,720 Speaker 1: way or a positive way, what comes out was what 119 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:34,880 Speaker 1: was already within you. When you acknowledge that people only 120 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:38,960 Speaker 1: bring out of you what exists within you, you say, oh, 121 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,760 Speaker 1: you brought this out of me. You bring the best 122 00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:46,000 Speaker 1: out of me. That's because it's yours. Don't forget that. 123 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:49,000 Speaker 1: Whatever you love to experience with someone else came from 124 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:53,679 Speaker 1: within you, and it's still accessible. Part two, The myths 125 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:57,360 Speaker 1: that keep you stuck. I think it's so interesting when 126 00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:00,240 Speaker 1: I was talking about the idea of writing stories. We 127 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:04,400 Speaker 1: create the story narrative forgetting all the bad things that happened. Right, 128 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,200 Speaker 1: someone breaks up with you, and now you're only thinking 129 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:09,360 Speaker 1: about the good times. You're only thinking about the positive memories. 130 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,840 Speaker 1: You're forgetting the arguments, you're forgetting the mistakes because now 131 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:15,080 Speaker 1: you're just like I would do anything to have that 132 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:19,440 Speaker 1: person back, because that's the story that makes me feel safe. 133 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,960 Speaker 1: And this is a really important part. Your brain is 134 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,360 Speaker 1: not working against you. It's trying to make you feel safe. 135 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:25,960 Speaker 1: And because it's trying to make you feel safe, it 136 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,520 Speaker 1: wants you to feel comfortable, and so it reminds you 137 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:31,360 Speaker 1: of all the comfortable things so that you're willing to 138 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:35,680 Speaker 1: even tolerate all the negative things all over again. So 139 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:39,520 Speaker 1: let's talk about the stories that keep us trapped. Here's 140 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:46,200 Speaker 1: myth Number one. Time heals everything. Time doesn't heal everything. 141 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:51,400 Speaker 1: Healing happens when you stop waiting to feel nothing and 142 00:08:51,559 --> 00:08:56,640 Speaker 1: start learning to live with what still hurts. Time doesn't 143 00:08:56,640 --> 00:09:00,200 Speaker 1: erase the memories. It just teaches you how to marry 144 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:04,400 Speaker 1: them differently. Time doesn't make the pain vanish. It just 145 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:07,760 Speaker 1: helps you stop letting it control your day. And Time 146 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:10,960 Speaker 1: doesn't fix the past, it helps you stop trying to 147 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:15,240 Speaker 1: relive it. Time doesn't bring closure alone. It gives you 148 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:19,959 Speaker 1: space to create your own. Time doesn't make you forget them. 149 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:24,480 Speaker 1: It helps you remember yourself. Time doesn't remove the ache. 150 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:29,440 Speaker 1: It reminds you that pain and progress can coexist. When 151 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:32,360 Speaker 1: we keep repeating things like time heals all wounds, and 152 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:35,120 Speaker 1: you hear it from other people, it will just take time. 153 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:39,000 Speaker 1: That's not necessarily true, because it's what you do with 154 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,719 Speaker 1: that time. It's how you repeat within that time. Now, 155 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:43,959 Speaker 1: there is a reality that the further you get away 156 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,320 Speaker 1: from something, the less hold it has on you. But 157 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:51,760 Speaker 1: if you're immersed in that relationship every day, it still 158 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,319 Speaker 1: feels like it has a hold on you. So what 159 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,920 Speaker 1: you have to do is think about the hooks in 160 00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:01,440 Speaker 1: your time. Scrolling their social media, looking at past pictures, 161 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:05,000 Speaker 1: checking in on what they're up to. All of those 162 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:08,760 Speaker 1: things are like hooks that keep you held and imprisoned 163 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:13,280 Speaker 1: by that relationship. Time can't do anything if the way 164 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:17,080 Speaker 1: you spend your time is completely fixated on them. Myth 165 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:21,440 Speaker 1: number two, I just need closure. We all think that 166 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:25,240 Speaker 1: if they gave us a perfect explanation, we'd feel satisfied, 167 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:28,240 Speaker 1: when the reality is even if someone gave you the 168 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:31,640 Speaker 1: perfect explanation, you'd find another thing with it that you 169 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:37,080 Speaker 1: don't agree with. Closure is realizing you may never get 170 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:41,400 Speaker 1: the apology, but you're done waiting for it. Closure is 171 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:46,040 Speaker 1: accepting that some chapters end without explanations and that's still 172 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:50,880 Speaker 1: an ending. Closure is choosing peace over answers. It's when 173 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:54,400 Speaker 1: you stop trying to understand why it happened and start 174 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:58,160 Speaker 1: focusing on what it taught you. Closure is knowing you 175 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,080 Speaker 1: did what you could and it's not your job to 176 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:05,280 Speaker 1: carry both your pain and their growth. I think closure 177 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:09,840 Speaker 1: is one of those misleading pursuits, and really what the 178 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,560 Speaker 1: mind is trying to do is that the mind is 179 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:19,400 Speaker 1: focused and wired to want to complete unfinished tasks. The 180 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:24,760 Speaker 1: mind doesn't love incompleteness. What it doesn't understand is that 181 00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:29,640 Speaker 1: completeness rarely is filled by someone else. I remember coaching 182 00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:32,520 Speaker 1: someone who just wanted this person to give them an answer. 183 00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:34,760 Speaker 1: That person gave them an answer, They send them along 184 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,080 Speaker 1: email and then the person said, well what about this, this, 185 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,839 Speaker 1: and this. You didn't raise this. That person replied again 186 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,040 Speaker 1: through text messages, and the person said, well what about this, this, this, 187 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,920 Speaker 1: and this, And that process continues because what you're really 188 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:49,640 Speaker 1: saying is I just don't feel valued, I don't feel 189 00:11:49,679 --> 00:11:52,240 Speaker 1: seen anymore. I just want you back. That's what you're saying. 190 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:55,880 Speaker 1: You're not really asking for an explanation because there is 191 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:59,400 Speaker 1: no explanation to satisfy you, because the only person who 192 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:03,120 Speaker 1: can satisfy you use yourself in that moment by recognizing 193 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:07,600 Speaker 1: that whatever the explanation it may be, what's worrying me 194 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,360 Speaker 1: is not what they think of me. What worries me 195 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:15,800 Speaker 1: is what I think of myself. What you're worried about 196 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:19,480 Speaker 1: is not what other people think of you. You're worried 197 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:22,960 Speaker 1: that what they think of you might be true. It 198 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:27,720 Speaker 1: might be what you think about yourself. That's what worries you. 199 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:31,880 Speaker 1: You're concerned that what someone sees in you actually might exist. 200 00:12:32,679 --> 00:12:36,920 Speaker 1: But when you start focusing on that, on growing yourself, 201 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:41,320 Speaker 1: healing yourself, working through that, that's what gives you closure. 202 00:12:41,440 --> 00:13:02,120 Speaker 1: That's what gives you confidence. Number three, If I move on, 203 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:06,120 Speaker 1: it means I never cared. So many of us think, Oh, 204 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:09,120 Speaker 1: if I move on, it means that wasn't real. If 205 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:12,839 Speaker 1: they move on, it means that wasn't real. That's not true. 206 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:15,120 Speaker 1: Something can be real and you can move on, or 207 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,640 Speaker 1: they can move on. Something can be real for a 208 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:22,240 Speaker 1: period of time. Is it real that trees have leaves? Yes, 209 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:24,480 Speaker 1: but in the fall they let them go. Does that 210 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,120 Speaker 1: mean it wasn't real? No, of course not. You would 211 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:30,520 Speaker 1: never say that it was real for that season. Something 212 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,880 Speaker 1: can be real for a season and not real for 213 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:37,400 Speaker 1: the next. A relationship can be good for you for 214 00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:42,440 Speaker 1: four years and not for the next. A connection can 215 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:45,800 Speaker 1: be powerful for you for a certain amount of time 216 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:50,240 Speaker 1: and not for the next. When you force it to 217 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:55,000 Speaker 1: be relevant, relatable, right for you, you actually are going 218 00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:58,319 Speaker 1: against the grain of nature. Moving on doesn't mean that 219 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:01,960 Speaker 1: love wasn't real. It means you've learned what it came 220 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,120 Speaker 1: to teach you. If someone moves on, it doesn't mean 221 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:08,480 Speaker 1: that their feelings for you weren't real. It just means 222 00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:11,920 Speaker 1: they had a deadline. It just means they had a timeline, 223 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,960 Speaker 1: and it means they had an end. Now you'd say, well, then, 224 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,760 Speaker 1: how do I ever know anyone has feelings for me 225 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:21,480 Speaker 1: that are real because the person that you have feelings 226 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:23,480 Speaker 1: for that are real and the person that has them 227 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:27,640 Speaker 1: for you is someone who waters them every day. A 228 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:31,120 Speaker 1: student once came to the Buddha and asked, what is 229 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:34,320 Speaker 1: the difference between I like you and I love you? 230 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:38,600 Speaker 1: And the Buddha replied, when you like a flower, you 231 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:42,240 Speaker 1: simply pluck it, but when you love a flower, you 232 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:46,920 Speaker 1: water it every day. Real feelings are feelings that people 233 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:51,400 Speaker 1: invest in every day. A real love is a love 234 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,960 Speaker 1: that isn't decided on on a wedding day or an 235 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:57,880 Speaker 1: engagement or an anniversary. It's one that shows up every 236 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:03,000 Speaker 1: single day. Number four, If they came back, it would 237 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,400 Speaker 1: finally work. How many of you have ever said this 238 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,520 Speaker 1: this time? If they came back, I would change, I 239 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:11,280 Speaker 1: would mold myself. I won't complain anymore, I won't raise issues. 240 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:15,920 Speaker 1: But let's be honest, you've raised those issues because it 241 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,560 Speaker 1: wasn't good. There was their behavior or an interaction that 242 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:22,000 Speaker 1: didn't sit right with you. Now, all of a sudden, 243 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,720 Speaker 1: you're going to just let that go. All of a sudden, 244 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,240 Speaker 1: you're going to say, I'm never ever going to have 245 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:28,720 Speaker 1: an issue with bad behavior ever, again, Is that the 246 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:31,240 Speaker 1: kind of love you want? Is that the kind of 247 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,720 Speaker 1: love you want to receive one that you don't get 248 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:39,600 Speaker 1: to share what you feel? Is it love if you 249 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:43,720 Speaker 1: can't be honest with them? Is it love if you 250 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:48,960 Speaker 1: can't express your emotions without feeling fearful? Is it love 251 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:54,200 Speaker 1: if you can't express how you feel without them feeling uncomfortable? 252 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:59,680 Speaker 1: How can it be love if you can't share express 253 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:05,680 Speaker 1: your feelings and emotions without feeling like they may react. 254 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:10,240 Speaker 1: Here's the truth. You don't miss them, You miss hope. 255 00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:15,960 Speaker 1: But hope without change is just another heartbreak waiting to happen. 256 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:19,920 Speaker 1: When you stop feeding these myths, you stop feeding the 257 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:25,800 Speaker 1: illusion that keeps you stuck. We keep creating these illusions, 258 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:30,200 Speaker 1: illusory versions of life, not realizing that yet they'll come back. Yes, 259 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:31,840 Speaker 1: for a month, you won't say anything, and in a 260 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:35,080 Speaker 1: month you will be upset about their behavior again. In 261 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,280 Speaker 1: a month you will be irritated. And then when you 262 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,000 Speaker 1: raise it, they'll say, wait a minute, I thought you 263 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:41,160 Speaker 1: were never going to raise this again, and you'll say, yeah, 264 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,920 Speaker 1: I didn't want to, but it's a big deal to me. 265 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,080 Speaker 1: The reason that you broke up in the first place 266 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:51,440 Speaker 1: is that there's something deeply rooted that disconnects you. You 267 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:56,200 Speaker 1: didn't break up over nothing. Don't invite drama back into 268 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:59,520 Speaker 1: your life long term because you think that person will 269 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:04,200 Speaker 1: make you feel peaceful. Short term, you'll invite someone who 270 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:07,800 Speaker 1: caused you pain back into your life because you don't 271 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:10,520 Speaker 1: want to deal with the pain of losing them in 272 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:14,440 Speaker 1: the short term. You don't want to do that. Part three, 273 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:20,240 Speaker 1: How to actually heal. Here's where we go from understanding 274 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:26,200 Speaker 1: to action. The first step is stop feeding the fantasy. 275 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:29,600 Speaker 1: You can't heal if you're still romanticizing the highlight reel, 276 00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:35,560 Speaker 1: block the breadcrumbs, social media, old photo playlists. The saying 277 00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:38,119 Speaker 1: out of sight, out of mind couldn't be more true. 278 00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:42,960 Speaker 1: You're not being dramatic. You're protecting your recovery. How do 279 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:46,480 Speaker 1: you stop the story? You stop the story by looking 280 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:50,879 Speaker 1: at both storylines right If you only look at the 281 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:53,680 Speaker 1: storyline you're feeling right now, and you ignore the storyline 282 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,000 Speaker 1: you felt a couple of months ago, you're not looking 283 00:17:56,040 --> 00:18:00,199 Speaker 1: at the full picture. Look at the full picture right now. 284 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:04,320 Speaker 1: Every reason why you actually saw you weren't right for 285 00:18:04,359 --> 00:18:07,040 Speaker 1: each other, not why they're a bad person, but why 286 00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:08,880 Speaker 1: you weren't right for each other because you had enough 287 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,440 Speaker 1: of those signs. Sometimes the reason you're upset that someone 288 00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:15,280 Speaker 1: broke up with you is because you wanted to break 289 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:19,040 Speaker 1: up with them first. You wanted to be the person 290 00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:22,400 Speaker 1: who ended things, but you were scared of doing that. 291 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:26,720 Speaker 1: And now you're living on the opposite end with they've 292 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:29,040 Speaker 1: broken up with you when you were the one who 293 00:18:29,119 --> 00:18:32,240 Speaker 1: knew it wasn't going in the right direction. But again, 294 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:36,360 Speaker 1: it was fear that kept you in the wrong relationship, 295 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,400 Speaker 1: and now it's fear that will make you go back 296 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:44,399 Speaker 1: to the wrong relationship. Fear keeps us in the wrong relationships, 297 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:48,199 Speaker 1: and it makes us pursue the bad relationships all over again. 298 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:52,679 Speaker 1: You're not being dramatic when you disconnect from their social media, 299 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,520 Speaker 1: when you stop checking in what they're up to, when 300 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:58,399 Speaker 1: you stop making them a part of your life, it 301 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:02,480 Speaker 1: allows you to true start processing and not keep creating 302 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:08,040 Speaker 1: these stories. Number two, feel without dramatizing. You don't have 303 00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:12,879 Speaker 1: to pretend you're fine. Grief is actually healthy. What's unhealthy 304 00:19:13,359 --> 00:19:18,280 Speaker 1: is making it your identity. Sit with the sadness, but 305 00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:23,399 Speaker 1: don't pitch a tent there. Try this journaling prompt. What 306 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:28,520 Speaker 1: did this relationship teach me about my needs, not my worth. 307 00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:32,600 Speaker 1: After a breakup, the biggest mistake we make is we 308 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:36,240 Speaker 1: think that what happened is a reflection of our worth, 309 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:41,080 Speaker 1: not a reflection of our needs. When you reflect something 310 00:19:41,119 --> 00:19:44,919 Speaker 1: onto your worth, you just feel worse. When you recognize 311 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:48,120 Speaker 1: something is teaching you about your needs, you're actually able 312 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,080 Speaker 1: to move forward and recognize what you want in the future. 313 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:59,800 Speaker 1: Number three, rebuild your rituals. Heartbreak steels structure, healing gives 314 00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:05,520 Speaker 1: it back. Start creating new anchors morning walks, gym sessions, therapy, 315 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,960 Speaker 1: dinner with friends. What happens is your brain had a 316 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:13,800 Speaker 1: rhythm of life with that person. The morning text, the 317 00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:18,040 Speaker 1: evening call, the date night on the weekend. Your brain 318 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:22,639 Speaker 1: had found a new rhythm that had replaced your old rhythm. 319 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,919 Speaker 1: Remember you were single before this person. You had a 320 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:29,080 Speaker 1: rhythm before this person. So what do you do. You've 321 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:32,280 Speaker 1: got to create a new rhythm, and the new rhythm 322 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,040 Speaker 1: has to tap into the moments where you feel the 323 00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:38,600 Speaker 1: most triggered. If you can identify the three times in 324 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:44,720 Speaker 1: your day or you're most affected by this breakup and 325 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:46,920 Speaker 1: recognize that those are the moments you want to give 326 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,200 Speaker 1: yourself the most care, the most connection, the most being 327 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:53,760 Speaker 1: with other people the most ability. Do not fall into 328 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:58,280 Speaker 1: that trap of revisiting the past. That's what you want 329 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:04,560 Speaker 1: to focus on. Shift the question. Instead of asking why 330 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:08,200 Speaker 1: didn't it work? Ask to what version of me was 331 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:12,159 Speaker 1: I becoming while trying to make it work? If you 332 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,159 Speaker 1: were becoming a better version of yourself, how can you 333 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:16,919 Speaker 1: continue to do that? And if you were becoming a 334 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,480 Speaker 1: lesser version of yourself? How do you use that? To 335 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,400 Speaker 1: remind yourself that you don't want to go back there 336 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:27,760 Speaker 1: asking yourself why it didn't work. There'll be a million answers, 337 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,920 Speaker 1: and there'll be so many from them on your side, 338 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:36,240 Speaker 1: But the truth is it didn't work because they didn't 339 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:39,280 Speaker 1: want to make it work. And when one person doesn't 340 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,240 Speaker 1: want to make it work, it doesn't work just because 341 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:45,560 Speaker 1: you do. A healthy relationship is where both people want 342 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:48,040 Speaker 1: to make it work. You don't want to be in 343 00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:51,560 Speaker 1: a relationship with someone who doesn't want to make it 344 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:55,040 Speaker 1: work with you, because it's never going to work just 345 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:58,520 Speaker 1: because one person wants it to work. A relationship only 346 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:02,200 Speaker 1: works when both people work on it together and want 347 00:22:02,359 --> 00:22:05,880 Speaker 1: it to work. That is a definition of a healthy 348 00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:10,560 Speaker 1: long term relationship. Both people are committed to making it work. 349 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,480 Speaker 1: There is no such thing as the right person. There's 350 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:18,040 Speaker 1: only the person who's willing to show up to try 351 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:20,920 Speaker 1: and make things right. When you both want to do that, 352 00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:25,360 Speaker 1: the relationship is in working order. And number five, let 353 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:29,520 Speaker 1: pain become purpose. You're not meant to erase your story. 354 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:33,440 Speaker 1: You're meant to evolve through it. Every heartbreak can either 355 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:37,679 Speaker 1: harden you or humanize you. The difference is whether you 356 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:42,120 Speaker 1: learn or linger. What I find for so many people 357 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:46,320 Speaker 1: is that when you're in the moment where your heart's 358 00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:52,159 Speaker 1: been broken, you can't believe it ever being glued back together. 359 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:55,920 Speaker 1: And what's incredible is that anyone that I've coached through 360 00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:58,879 Speaker 1: that time, when they finally find love again, which happens 361 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:03,440 Speaker 1: every time, they completely forget that ever existed. You don't 362 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:05,080 Speaker 1: have to be hopeful right now. You don't have to 363 00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:09,240 Speaker 1: believe right now. All you have to do is practice 364 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:14,159 Speaker 1: putting your heart back together and creating purpose to move forward, 365 00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:18,600 Speaker 1: meaning to move forward. There's a beautiful practice called kitsugi. 366 00:23:19,359 --> 00:23:25,560 Speaker 1: It's the idea that when something breaks, it's rebuilt through 367 00:23:26,119 --> 00:23:30,720 Speaker 1: this beautiful gold. And you may see items of pots 368 00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:34,359 Speaker 1: of clay, of plates that are broken and now you 369 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,240 Speaker 1: can see the cracks where the cracks of gold. That's 370 00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:38,760 Speaker 1: what each and every one of us are when our 371 00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:41,840 Speaker 1: hearts are broken. But knowing that those wounds only make 372 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:43,679 Speaker 1: you better for the future. They only make you aware 373 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:46,040 Speaker 1: of what you're looking for. They only make you prepared 374 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,520 Speaker 1: for the future. Part four. Here's what to do when 375 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:53,720 Speaker 1: you slip back. It is guaranteed that you will slip back. 376 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:58,119 Speaker 1: Recovering from a breakup is moving three steps forward and 377 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:02,800 Speaker 1: two steps back, feeling like you're healing, and then crying 378 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:07,840 Speaker 1: like you're back to day one. It's experiencing growth and 379 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:13,320 Speaker 1: then feeling grief. Healing isn't linear. You might feel strong 380 00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:17,119 Speaker 1: for weeks, then suddenly you see their name and everything 381 00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:21,239 Speaker 1: floods back. That doesn't mean you're broken. It means you're 382 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:24,920 Speaker 1: human when that happens. Here's what I want you to remember. 383 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:29,600 Speaker 1: Missing someone doesn't mean you're meant for them. It just 384 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:33,040 Speaker 1: means they occupied a meaningful chapter of your life and 385 00:24:33,119 --> 00:24:36,040 Speaker 1: your heart hasn't caught up to the ending yet. If 386 00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:40,520 Speaker 1: you're going through a breakup, do this. Instead of texting them, 387 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:45,919 Speaker 1: text a friend, instead of rereading your old messages, start 388 00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:50,080 Speaker 1: creating new connections instead. Of asking do they miss me? 389 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:54,600 Speaker 1: Ask am I proud of who I'm becoming? Because getting 390 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:58,920 Speaker 1: over someone isn't about forgetting them, It's about remembering you. 391 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,639 Speaker 1: There was a you before this relationship, there was a 392 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:04,840 Speaker 1: you during this relationship, and there is a you after 393 00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:09,400 Speaker 1: this relationship. It is the most important relationship you will 394 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:14,280 Speaker 1: ever commit to. Don't ignore it because you felt that 395 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:18,360 Speaker 1: you are only in existence with this other individual. You 396 00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:21,800 Speaker 1: existed before you will always exist without them. I want 397 00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:25,280 Speaker 1: to leave you with some closing words. Sometimes the hardest 398 00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:28,480 Speaker 1: part isn't letting go of them, it's letting go of 399 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:32,399 Speaker 1: the future you built with them in your mind. The 400 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:36,040 Speaker 1: healing starts the moment you stop asking why did they 401 00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:41,040 Speaker 1: leave and start asking what is this pain trying to 402 00:25:41,119 --> 00:25:45,080 Speaker 1: teach me? So, if you're in that place, still missing them, 403 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:50,840 Speaker 1: still aching, take a deep breath. Breathe in acceptance, breathe 404 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:56,240 Speaker 1: out attachment. You're not weak for still feeling, You're strong 405 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:59,679 Speaker 1: for still showing up. You're not behind in your healing. 406 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:04,520 Speaker 1: You're right on time for your transformation. You don't have 407 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:07,920 Speaker 1: to get over them today. You just have to focus 408 00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:11,560 Speaker 1: on getting back to you. Thank you so much for listening. 409 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:14,600 Speaker 1: I hope this episode helps you in your healing journey. 410 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,040 Speaker 1: Please share it with a friend who's going through a really, 411 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:20,080 Speaker 1: really difficult time, and I promise you this will be 412 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:22,760 Speaker 1: the launch pad of a beautiful love story for you. 413 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:26,160 Speaker 1: Remember on forever in your corner. I'm always rooting for you, 414 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,520 Speaker 1: and thank you for joining me here on on purpose. 415 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:31,399 Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you're going to love my 416 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:34,920 Speaker 1: conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your 417 00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:38,680 Speaker 1: ex and find true love in your relationships. People should 418 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:42,920 Speaker 1: be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion to your 419 00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:47,160 Speaker 1: future self, because truly extending your compassion to your future 420 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:50,040 Speaker 1: self is doing something that gives him or her a 421 00:26:50,119 --> 00:26:52,040 Speaker 1: shot at a happy and a peaceful life.