Speaker 1: Okay, so let's talk about settling.
Speaker 2: I really want to talk about settling in relationships because
Speaker 2: I want to say something so graciously and in a classy,
Speaker 2: respectful manner. Any time that I've left a relationship where
Speaker 2: it doesn't feel right in my body at that time,
Speaker 2: I later thank myself and it's gone deeper and deeper.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 2: So it could be leaving an engagement, leaving a marriage,
Speaker 2: it could be a number of things. But I just
Speaker 2: want to tell you that recently I've been saying to myself,
Speaker 2: I am so grateful for having the courage to walk
Speaker 2: away from things that don't work for me. So that
Speaker 2: could be work, That could be friendships. That could be
Speaker 2: business deals that just crush your soul. That could be
Speaker 2: confronting a boss or not accepting less than what you deserve.
Speaker 2: That could be a relationship where you're just like I
Speaker 2: am doing it's good. It could be very good. Now
Speaker 2: if it's bad, that's not even a discussion. But it
Speaker 2: could be good to very good. But if it doesn't
Speaker 2: fit feel right in your body, you know, when you
Speaker 2: eat something it doesn't agree with you. You may not
Speaker 2: get violently ill, but it doesn't agree with you or
Speaker 2: you're constantly thinking about it, you know, when you're fidgeting
Speaker 2: in an outfit or it just like you don't love it,
Speaker 2: so you don't live for it.
Speaker 1: Put it the fuck down, take it off if you don't.
Speaker 2: If you're not, like you have to like convince yourself
Speaker 2: and people around you. You know, when you put something
Speaker 2: on you like this is it game over story in
Speaker 2: film at eleven. That's what a relationship should be like.
Speaker 2: And if you're not feeling that now, it doesn't mean
Speaker 2: that you're not gonna go through issues and work through things,
Speaker 2: but like it has to be coming out of your pores.
Speaker 2: How right a relationship is for you. You have to
Speaker 2: know from the depths of your being if a relationship
Speaker 2: is right for you, and if it's not, you cannot
Speaker 2: stay because of fear your age, you're too old, you're
Speaker 2: never gonna meet someone, or this person was so great,
Speaker 2: or they treat you so well, or they're rich or
Speaker 2: they're generous, or they're a doctor, or your parents like them,
Speaker 2: or your friends like them, or they fit in, or
Speaker 2: your kids are still home and they're not off at
Speaker 2: college yet, or you have a good friend group and
Speaker 2: it's gonna break up. The friend group. All of these
Speaker 2: things do not matter. Okay if you don't know, yes,
Speaker 2: it's no, because this is the most important part of this.
Speaker 2: Once you jump, you fly, and then you find what
Speaker 2: you really need. And if you are stuck in the
Speaker 2: wrong thing, you're never gonna find the right thing, and
Speaker 2: not until you find the right thing or you're gonna say,
Speaker 2: oh my god, thank you so much for having the
Speaker 2: courage to walk out of something that it's harder to
Speaker 2: walk out of something that's like.
Speaker 1: Very good because you're almost there.
Speaker 2: But we are winners. We go all the way. We
Speaker 2: take that ball into the end zone. We don't eat
Speaker 2: average food mid we don't go on mid vacations. I'd
Speaker 2: rather stay home go on a mid or shitty vacation.
Speaker 2: I'd rather stay home than stay in a shitty room.
Speaker 2: I don't want to go somewhere and feel grosser than
Speaker 2: I do at home, Like I want to go somewhere
Speaker 2: and be elevated. I don't want to eat out if
Speaker 2: it's not gonna be better than but I could look
Speaker 2: at home. I don't want that. I don't need to
Speaker 2: go to a hip restaurant with shift food. Do it
Speaker 2: or don't. That's part of what I was saying about
Speaker 2: my Halloween costume. You know, like do it or don't
Speaker 2: you going to Halloween. Let's go to the Hidi Gloon party.
Speaker 2: Let's do it, Let's get dressed, let's turn it out,
Speaker 2: let's have fun, and let's go home. Like that's it.
Speaker 2: I don't want to do medium. I don't want mediocre.
Speaker 2: I don't want mid in any category. Not food, not sex,
Speaker 2: not man, not woman, not friend, not job, not travel,
Speaker 2: not experience, not staff, not team around you. We do
Speaker 2: all stars, we do Hall of Fame. We're not like
Speaker 2: that tipsy demere trend. It's like we're not like the
Speaker 2: other girlies. We don't do average. We don't do mid.
Speaker 1: We do elite. We do do it or don't and
Speaker 1: do it well or don't do it at all.
Speaker 2: So that's something that I think is really important in relationships.
Speaker 2: I think we tend to self sabotage in relationships when
Speaker 2: we're really happier, when it's going really well, when we
Speaker 2: get scared. If you ever started dating someone and you
Speaker 2: like them so much that you have anxiety because you
Speaker 2: like over your skis and you're like having anxiety, you're sabotaging.
Speaker 2: That is a dangerous place to be, and that's a
Speaker 2: place when you have to calm down. Take several deep breaths.
Speaker 2: Do not text anything, Do not email anything. Write an
Speaker 2: email to yourself or to the person and put it
Speaker 2: in drafts and just save it.
Speaker 1: Do not send. You need to wait six hours before.
Speaker 2: Sending because we tend to get anxiety and want to
Speaker 2: blow things up because they're too good. Especially if you
Speaker 2: grow up in a fucked up house, especially if you're
Speaker 2: used to chaos is your norm, it's going to be
Speaker 2: very hard for you to have peace and be happy.
Speaker 2: There also will be situations where you are incapable of
Speaker 2: being loved. You are not porous, you are not open,
Speaker 2: you're not available, and that's a hard thing to access.
Speaker 2: And also trust yourself, because if you're not open and
Speaker 2: porous and accessible, it may be because you're with the
Speaker 2: wrong person. With the right person, you will want to
Speaker 2: open up with the right person. You will want to
Speaker 2: check yourself because you will want to do the work
Speaker 2: because it's so worth it, because the stakes are so high.
Speaker 2: Like if you meet someone that's incredible and you know
Speaker 2: they are so well matched to you and you are
Speaker 2: so compatible, that's when you really have to pull your
Speaker 2: shit together, and that's when you have to check yourself.
Speaker 2: And that's like when you're going to the Olympics, you're
Speaker 2: preparing for the big race, you're preparing for you know,
Speaker 2: your college entry exams or whatever. The most important thing
Speaker 2: is you are not fucking around. You're not making mistakes.
Speaker 2: You're not you know, getting drunk and doing drunk dialing
Speaker 2: or just like you know, self destructing and doing stupid
Speaker 2: things and saying things. You're gonna check yourself before you
Speaker 2: wreck yourself. When you see that something is really good
Speaker 2: for you and could really like change your life, you're
Speaker 2: not going to fuck it up. You are going to collect,
Speaker 2: get organized, be intentional, and do the work. So if
Speaker 2: something usually when something's really good and people are really
Speaker 2: connected and everything's great, that's when they wouldn't do therapy.
Speaker 1: That's when they think they've got it going good.
Speaker 2: But everything has the new car smell and little cracks
Speaker 2: become craters. And when the car has the new car smell,
Speaker 2: that's when you start doing the work. That's when you
Speaker 2: get the self help book. That's when you talk to
Speaker 2: your partner about self help. That's when you check in
Speaker 2: with your partner that's when you do therapy on yourself
Speaker 2: and eventually hopefully with them. I am not above if
Speaker 2: I'm really into someone. I'm not above early on, if
Speaker 2: they're in the same page, once every couple of months
Speaker 2: talking to a therapist or once a month, because you
Speaker 2: want to lock the door before you get robbed. And
Speaker 2: there could be different dynamics. If you're an adult and
Speaker 2: you have kids and you're blending, that would be a
Speaker 2: situation where you might want to get a professional involved, okay,
Speaker 2: because that's something that takes you know, finessing, and you
Speaker 2: don't want to do damage in the beginning that you
Speaker 2: can undo. Or if you're in a long distance relationship,
Speaker 2: let's say, and there's certain you get in your head
Speaker 2: and there's a certain you know, there are certain tools and.
Speaker 1: A skill set you need to navigate.
Speaker 2: That's a time when you would be proactive and intentional.
Speaker 2: So I think it's important to make an effort and
Speaker 2: be intentional when the stakes are high, and you know
Speaker 2: when they're high, when you're like, wow, this could really
Speaker 2: be it. And I know myself and I know my tendencies,
Speaker 2: and I know my habits and I know my ways,
Speaker 2: and I know that history repeats itself, and I know
Speaker 2: that I start to get anxious attachment to someone. I
Speaker 2: start to get anxiety. I start to get in my head.
Speaker 2: I make up scenarios, I start to obsess, I start
Speaker 2: to fixate. I start to get overly knee, I start
Speaker 2: to get overly distant. I start to want to make
Speaker 2: the other person jealous. I start to like when they're jealous.
Speaker 2: I start to be jealous. Whatever your noise is, you
Speaker 2: have it, and you keep doing it over and over.
Speaker 2: And when you first get in the relationship, you don't
Speaker 2: think you're going to do it over and over because
Speaker 2: it's got the new car smell. And then all of
Speaker 2: a sudden, one day you hit a brick wall and
Speaker 2: you go back to your ways, and you convince yourself,
Speaker 2: and you call your friends and your crowdsource because you
Speaker 2: want all your friends to validate and reinforce what you're saying,
Speaker 2: which is a terrible idea. Do not go taking advice
Speaker 2: from your friends. Take advice from professionals. Or you could
Speaker 2: have a certain friend or a colleague or someone that
Speaker 2: you already know has excellent judgment. Doesn't always tell you
Speaker 2: what you want to hear is going to tell you
Speaker 2: the unpopular thing is going to be like your local
Speaker 2: affordable therapist. That's a different model, but it's not your
Speaker 2: friend that every day you just call it a complaint
Speaker 2: and they validate everything you say, and they don't. They
Speaker 2: just want to make you feel good, or they just
Speaker 2: like are someone that allows you to hear yourself talk,
Speaker 2: don't do that. There's a lot to navigate, and as
Speaker 2: we get older, there are so many dynamics.
Speaker 1: So I have a dating.
Speaker 2: Theory and a relation to theory and a marriage theory,
Speaker 2: and it might help frame things. I think that in partnerships,
Speaker 2: one partner is a rescue dog. Well, no, that's not true.
Speaker 2: You can have two rescue dogs together, you can have
Speaker 2: two breeder dogs together. But I think that people are
Speaker 2: either a breeder dog or a rescue dog. You either
Speaker 2: grew up in the Drew Barrymore School of parenting, which
Speaker 2: is an extreme, don't get me wrong. And I grew
Speaker 2: up I went to the Drew Barrymore School of Childhood,
Speaker 2: and or you were like in a family that was together.
Speaker 2: And of course every family has its issues. But like
Speaker 2: you have a safe secure attachment program, you believe that
Speaker 2: people can have a good relationship you've witnessed good relationships,
Speaker 2: you have some foundation, you are not a mess, and
Speaker 2: you don't like you've seen normal constructs that other people
Speaker 2: have never even witnessed, like for me, seeing like a
Speaker 2: normal relationship in a family environment, a stable relationship, non drama,
Speaker 2: non drugs, non abuse, non alcohol, non psychological abuse, non gambling,
Speaker 2: you know, non underage going to night clubs like just
Speaker 2: I've seen action. I've seen just debauchery. And so for me,
Speaker 2: chaos was the norm. Action was the norm. So being
Speaker 2: in something stable and peaceful, or seeing someone or being
Speaker 2: with someone who's normal and stable and peaceful is strange.
Speaker 2: It's an alien concept. It's like putting something strange into
Speaker 2: your bloodstream that it doesn't that it rejects. So I'm
Speaker 2: like a rescue dog because someone could do something that
Speaker 2: would be normal, and I would see it as a
Speaker 2: fight or flight. I would see it as trauma. Someone
Speaker 2: could not text you back for thirty minutes, and I
Speaker 2: could think the world's coming to an end, where someone
Speaker 2: else would have a normal rational thought that like someone
Speaker 2: might be in, you know, in an appointment, and that's
Speaker 2: just a dumb example. But breeder dogs walk in with
Speaker 2: secure attachment history. They've seen good relationships. They know that
Speaker 2: it's possible. It's not like an island that they see
Speaker 2: that they have no idea how to swim to. They
Speaker 2: have faith in the process. They think they could be
Speaker 2: in love. They know how to treat someone nicely. They
Speaker 2: don't need for there to be action and drama and
Speaker 2: a problem all the time. They aren't deeply anxiety ridden
Speaker 2: in insecure. They could be insecure.
Speaker 1: They could be.
Speaker 2: Jealous, but they might not have the same issues and noise.
Speaker 2: And the thing is, if someone identifies what they are
Speaker 2: and shares it with the other person, it can help
Speaker 2: in the relationship because you know when someone's doing something
Speaker 2: it has nothing to do with you. If a breeder
Speaker 2: dog starts shaking, like I have a special needs dog, smalls,
Speaker 2: he shakes for no reason. He's a rescue His mom
Speaker 2: is going to be euthanized. He shakes for no reason.
Speaker 2: He's a disaster. He's a mess. He has five nervous
Speaker 2: breakdowns a day. He's scared of water, his own shadow.
Speaker 2: He'll have two nervous breakdowns a day to start shaking
Speaker 2: and panicking. No things happened, Like he's a fucking wreck. Okay,
Speaker 2: Biggie is just like super well adjusted. I could bring
Speaker 2: him on a plane. Small's tongue comes out like one
Speaker 2: of those frogs that has like that tongue that comes
Speaker 2: out to like get flies. I'm, you know, not a mess,
Speaker 2: but like normal. I tell people I'm a squirrel. I
Speaker 2: don't trust. So you come near me and maybe I'll
Speaker 2: come with you to get like some of the food.
Speaker 2: But you make a little weird move. I'm running up
Speaker 2: that fucking tree. So like I'm like a rescue dog.
Speaker 2: You cannot explain why a rescue dog you come near
Speaker 2: them and they shake and they run away, or whether
Speaker 2: they won't let you put a leash on, or whe
Speaker 2: they won't let you give him a bath, or some
Speaker 2: weird thing triggers them, like a treat or something.
Speaker 1: You don't know.
Speaker 2: They're a rescue dog. They've been fucked up. They have
Speaker 2: a fucked up child, a a fucked up past. Someone
Speaker 2: abused them. Someone asks who hurt you? I'm like, where
Speaker 2: do you want?
Speaker 1: Where do I sign up for? Telling you? You want
Speaker 1: the list who hurt me? Who didn't hurt me.
Speaker 2: I've seen my mother got the shit beaten out of
Speaker 2: her with a phone. I've seen people do drugs. I've
Speaker 2: had my mother get beaten up and then heard sex
Speaker 2: fifteen minutes later.
Speaker 1: Crazy shit.
Speaker 2: I've been to nightclub since I was thirteen years doing drugs,
Speaker 2: doing everything that's wrong, everything that your kid is not
Speaker 2: supposed to be doing. Taking the train into New York
Speaker 2: City at fourteen years old, getting myself to fourteenth Streets,
Speaker 2: to the Palladium, to area, to the tunnel to save
Speaker 2: the robot.
Speaker 1: Like, none of this is normal. I have a.
Speaker 2: Fourteen year old in my house, Like what, So the
Speaker 2: thing is, I'm a fucking rescue dog. So to communicate
Speaker 2: with a partner. If I'm in a relationship with a
Speaker 2: breeder dog, I have to let the breeder dog know
Speaker 2: I don't act like a normal person. So understand that
Speaker 2: one of us is going to have to be sane.
Speaker 2: One of us has to be the rock. I'm not
Speaker 2: the rock. I'm the fucking peacock. I'm the star. I'm entertaining,
Speaker 2: I'm hilarious, I'm loyal, I'll be good to you, I'll
Speaker 2: do everything for you. I am the most fun person
Speaker 2: you've ever met. No two days will ever be the same.
Speaker 2: You will have a life of laughter and excitement, and
Speaker 2: adventure and joy and fucking ride or die, and loyalty
Speaker 2: and hard work, and you will learn things you never learn.
Speaker 2: No one's ever been more efficient.
Speaker 1: I don't.
Speaker 2: No one's ever been or like. I am highly functional,
Speaker 2: I am super organized. I can get ten things done
Speaker 2: to your one. I will always be ahead of you, smarter, faster, quicker.
Speaker 2: But I'm a fucking disaster. So you need to know
Speaker 2: that you're gonna have to be the rational saying rock here.
Speaker 2: So do you want that job or don't you? And
Speaker 2: also you have to be interesting, because you can't be
Speaker 2: a fucking boring doormat. That's gonna be the rock. You
Speaker 2: have to be fun and ready to go. So know
Speaker 2: if you're the rescue dog or the breeder dog, communicate
Speaker 2: about it. And two rescue dogs can be together, and
Speaker 2: a rescue dog and a breeder dog can be together.
Speaker 2: But you just have to communicate. It's an important thing.
Speaker 2: And you know who you are. Maybe you're right down
Speaker 2: the middle, Maybe you're a part maybe you're a mixed breed,
Speaker 2: you're part rescue, part reader. I don't think you can
Speaker 2: be part breader, part rescue. But I once did get
Speaker 2: a dog from It was like a rescue dog, but
Speaker 2: I got it from like a rescue dog store, so
Speaker 2: it was like safe, but it wasn't a purebred, so
Speaker 2: you decide for yourself. You are welcome, have a great day.