Speaker 1: The Nika Here, Nikki, Hello here, I am welcome to
Speaker 1: the Nikki Glazer Podcast. It's Wednesday, Andrews here starting off. Listen.
Speaker 1: I'm still going to do the top of the show
Speaker 1: by myself. Um, but lately we've been having to do
Speaker 1: a little bit shorter episodes because of timing constraints and
Speaker 1: internet issues, so just bringing them in right away. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm a I'm fluid. You're so fluid, You're full of fluids. Honestly,
Speaker 1: I'm pre water. You're like the Earth right Wait? No, wait,
Speaker 1: we know, aren't we like mostly water Earth? I watched
Speaker 1: the episode of Curb last night that I had I'm
Speaker 1: going back and filling in the gaps of my this
Speaker 1: season of Curb, and I saw the watermelon episode where
Speaker 1: the guy who lives with uh JB. Smooth is reluctant
Speaker 1: to eat watermelon and very nervous and like has this
Speaker 1: whole thing about it even though it's his favorite fruit.
Speaker 1: Later it's my favorite fruit because he doesn't want to
Speaker 1: be a serocopical black guy. And it's such a good episode,
Speaker 1: and Woody Harrelson's in it, and I met Woody h
Speaker 1: for a second time over my Halloween hawaiill my Hallowani
Speaker 1: trap and um it just how did you not know that?
Speaker 1: Did you not see my story? Bro? I missed. I
Speaker 1: missed that too. Part of my thought process was taking
Speaker 1: out my invisign hold on my back. I felt that
Speaker 1: in my spine. It's like the opposite of no. I
Speaker 1: think people could get into that. It's very clenchy. I
Speaker 1: don't know where I'm trying to put it. If you
Speaker 1: watch the video and like hiding it in my swifties,
Speaker 1: could be anywhere. Um okay, so um, yeah, I met
Speaker 1: Woody Harrelson for a second time. Okay, so let's talk
Speaker 1: about it, and let's talk about my favorite person on earth.
Speaker 1: Huh Danny McBride. No, Larry Okay, so I've met Larry
Speaker 1: before too, but it was funny. I've met Lenny to what? So? Um,
Speaker 1: I go to Hawaii. It was a trip that bills.
Speaker 1: Why did you say like that Hawaii. What's wrong with
Speaker 1: the way she says it? I don't know. I think
Speaker 1: it's like she says Vegas. It's it's done something to
Speaker 1: my ears. Maybe I'm wrong, So tell me how you
Speaker 1: say it. Hawaii, Hawaii. You go Hawaii, Hawaii. You just
Speaker 1: give it a lot. Maybe I don't know. I do
Speaker 1: like a nuncy Hawaii. Well, it's I think it's like
Speaker 1: h I think like I'm probably wrong say it. I'm
Speaker 1: probably wrong. I mean I could be wrong too. I
Speaker 1: say things weird, my morning jacket, um, foods, all foods,
Speaker 1: breaking breaking bad. I couldn't say breaking bad one day.
Speaker 1: It was just really tough for me. So, UM, I
Speaker 1: don't know why I meant that. I really did mean.
Speaker 1: And you put in David Dobrick. Wait, what's his name? Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's David Brick. Oh man, Um, the kids love him.
Speaker 1: So Jesus Christ to us some kind of start. What
Speaker 1: was the thing you said yesterday where you know knows
Speaker 1: knows one bounds that's what she named the Okay, so
Speaker 1: you're in Hawaii. Yeah, I'm in Hawaii. I went with
Speaker 1: Bill Maher. Bill Maher asked me in February to go
Speaker 1: on the trip in New He does a New Year's
Speaker 1: Eve trip every year to White Hawaii because to the islands.
Speaker 1: Because he um, he did the same thing that he realized,
Speaker 1: the same thing that I kind of realized, which is, um,
Speaker 1: life is hard, and once you get to a certain
Speaker 1: level where you have enough money, like it's good to
Speaker 1: like lose money on a thing because it will be
Speaker 1: such a fun trip. And he did this trip one
Speaker 1: year and he's just done it ever since. He stays
Speaker 1: at the same places, he goes to eat at the
Speaker 1: same places, and they do these New Year's Eve two shows,
Speaker 1: one in Maui, one on Honolulu, and he brings a
Speaker 1: bunch of his friends fly over and he brings, Okay,
Speaker 1: let's go over this, so you fly private with Bill
Speaker 1: Maher who's on the plane. I want to hear like
Speaker 1: like the initial let me just say I did not
Speaker 1: know that Bill mar liked me. In February, I get
Speaker 1: asked via my agent like, he wants you to come
Speaker 1: on this trip, and I was like yes, And then
Speaker 1: Bill Bill ripe me personally after I had heard it
Speaker 1: from my manager. He followed up and was like, this
Speaker 1: trip means a lot to me. I would love for
Speaker 1: you to go. I asked him if I could bring
Speaker 1: up a guest. He was like, you know, I don't
Speaker 1: usually have like we don't have a ton of room,
Speaker 1: but yes, you can bring a guest. And I was
Speaker 1: like great. I didn't even know who was gonna bring
Speaker 1: at the time, because it was you know, nine ten
Speaker 1: months away. Um, that trip got canceled because of COVID.
Speaker 1: Then he asked he re upped me for the next one.
Speaker 1: So this has been like two years in the making, nearly,
Speaker 1: and I didn't know he liked me the only time
Speaker 1: I had run into Bill Mar. Bill Mars my dad's
Speaker 1: favorite person in the world. I've they've gone to see
Speaker 1: He's the only comedian I know that they've gone to
Speaker 1: pay to see that. I've multiple times when he comes
Speaker 1: to St. Louis. They watched the show every week. He um.
Speaker 1: When my dad when I did the lie detector test
Speaker 1: with my parents on Not Safe, which is one of
Speaker 1: my most watch YouTube videos. UM, to calibrate the test,
Speaker 1: like if I were giving you a lie detector test
Speaker 1: right now, to make sure it's working, I'd say, are
Speaker 1: you wearing new balance shoes? Yes, So like something very obvious,
Speaker 1: and to calibrate the test. For my mom it was like,
Speaker 1: you know, is your sweater purple? And for my dad
Speaker 1: it was do you love Bill Maher? And so that's
Speaker 1: like how much my dad loves I did ask him
Speaker 1: that durn thing. I was like, would you go down
Speaker 1: on Bill Mark? It didn't air it, but like that
Speaker 1: was one of my lie detector questions and what we
Speaker 1: found was shocking. On the next not safe with thinking
Speaker 1: lays and that was canceled in two dozen six um,
Speaker 1: so he um asked me to go and might only
Speaker 1: run in with him before it's you know, just having
Speaker 1: known him. Was one time he walked in. He was
Speaker 1: at the Cellar when I was going about to go
Speaker 1: on stage. He walked in while the m C was
Speaker 1: on stage and about to bring me up, and he
Speaker 1: walked in with two beautiful young girls sits on the
Speaker 1: bench where the you know, people that are just visiting
Speaker 1: going to watch, and I was like, my god, Bill
Speaker 1: bar is gonna watch me and I'm on stage and
Speaker 1: I see him leave in the middle of my set,
Speaker 1: which I took personally, but he probably was just like,
Speaker 1: I just not feeling this. It's just not my style
Speaker 1: of comedy for tonight. I was probably saying like, don't
Speaker 1: fuck old men or something, you know, like it was
Speaker 1: probably not helping his don d and uh. And this
Speaker 1: was so many This was two thousand and twelve or something,
Speaker 1: so I could have just sucked, although I was performing
Speaker 1: at the Seller and you don't suck if you performed there,
Speaker 1: but you know, I could have had an off night,
Speaker 1: doesn't matter. So when he asked me, I was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, where does he know me from? Turns
Speaker 1: out he knows me from the roast and then uh,
Speaker 1: he's heard me on Howard and UM but so, and
Speaker 1: we have some email correspondence and then I he I
Speaker 1: do his show during Zoom on Zoom during COVID uh
Speaker 1: in June, I think from my parents house, which is
Speaker 1: a great interview. Then I do it again this past
Speaker 1: June and person it was awesome. And those are the
Speaker 1: only times I met him. I show up at the
Speaker 1: airport not knowing what this is going to be at all.
Speaker 1: I bring Chris with me. We show up and Bill's
Speaker 1: out there yet I'm kind of running late, and I'm
Speaker 1: freaking out that we're running late because I just like, no, well,
Speaker 1: it wasn't late. I was right on time. To like
Speaker 1: it was. I was got there three minutes before we're
Speaker 1: supposed to board. But then the plane had issues. What's
Speaker 1: the deal with private jet? You don't you go, you
Speaker 1: don't went to airport, no security, right, you just go.
Speaker 1: You know, Van Nuys Airport. So it's a small private
Speaker 1: jet airport. You pull up and you walked in a lot.
Speaker 1: We're supposed to board it to sorry, and I'm freaking
Speaker 1: out because we I wanted to get lunch before because
Speaker 1: it's five and a half hour journey and I don't
Speaker 1: know what's going to be on the plane. I love
Speaker 1: the idea of Bill hiding and showing up after you
Speaker 1: just to prove power over you, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: could show up after. But I was so I'm so
Speaker 1: glad he didn't see me show up kind of late,
Speaker 1: even though I was running like three minutes behind on
Speaker 1: every single time we went anywhere, and he would call
Speaker 1: me like two minutes and and be like, we're gonna leave,
Speaker 1: but he, uh, okay, so you're at the plane. I
Speaker 1: get no. I get into the lobby and I walk
Speaker 1: in and there's like this big group of people. I
Speaker 1: don't know how many people are going to be going
Speaker 1: on this. But it turns out it was Jim Valley,
Speaker 1: who you know Coke wrote all of us rest development
Speaker 1: with his wife Maggie, who is uh Margaret Roe is
Speaker 1: the name she goes by her pen name, and she's
Speaker 1: written all these books and she's an amazing woman. You're
Speaker 1: going to say pet it's her pet name. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: she God, she's so fucking funny. They're all so funny.
Speaker 1: And so who else? And then um, a guy named
Speaker 1: Eddie who is one of the founders of Vice Media. UM,
Speaker 1: and he no longer works there, but Eddie Corey his
Speaker 1: his plus one, who is one of his best friends.
Speaker 1: They're kind of like a you and I situation. UM.
Speaker 1: Corey Kennedy is her name. And there is Annabelle Gurwitch
Speaker 1: who was on Dinner in a movie, remember that TBS
Speaker 1: Dinner in a movie, Beans and corn Bread. Here's a
Speaker 1: guy and a girl and it's her. She's been in
Speaker 1: a ton of things. She's also a New York Times
Speaker 1: bestseller author and breaks from the New York and everything
Speaker 1: she's she's kind of transitioned from actress to feels like
Speaker 1: a movie like Clue, you know, when it's totally we
Speaker 1: even said that at one point that's really funny. So, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: you weren't the person think that, No, I'm just kidding,
Speaker 1: No that you you should. I did that, but it wasn't.
Speaker 1: I wasn't trying in neither circumstance was I trying to
Speaker 1: make But I didn't I didn't load it in my
Speaker 1: brain at Okay, yeah, it wasn't waiting there for you,
Speaker 1: but it's just I had said that because it was
Speaker 1: funny because I did ask um, then moved moved out.
Speaker 1: Um so so, oh god, if you're a new listener,
Speaker 1: there's a lot sorry, you know what, we'll get you there.
Speaker 1: So um, we love you so much and we thank
Speaker 1: you for tuning in at all. We don't we don't
Speaker 1: need to listen every episode, so it was very loud
Speaker 1: so um. And then it was Chris Kid from Kiden Play.
Speaker 1: Chris Reid from Kid from Kiden Play. He's comedian now
Speaker 1: and he's also back on the road with Kiden Play.
Speaker 1: They're like going out with like Salt and Pepper all
Speaker 1: these like it's like nineties revival. They're going out again.
Speaker 1: Oh god, that is so funny, and he would laugh
Speaker 1: at that, he's of course you didn't Salt and Pepper Kid, Yes,
Speaker 1: that is so funny and needs to be in an
Speaker 1: episode of Curby Enthusiasm where it's like, of course you
Speaker 1: didn't mean it. I know, I know, I know. If
Speaker 1: you get if you cancel, Andrew because of that canceled
Speaker 1: me too, because I co sign on how unintentionally funny.
Speaker 1: That wasn't stupid and you're stupid if you get that.
Speaker 1: That was so stupid. So um so Chris. And then
Speaker 1: in his girlfriend Ida who sells luxury cars and who's
Speaker 1: really cool, and then, um god, I feel bad that
Speaker 1: oh and then uh, Rick Bartolini, who was the guy
Speaker 1: that promoted it, his boyfriend, guy named funk. He's probably
Speaker 1: gonna listen to this. I know, I forget his name.
Speaker 1: He was so freaking nice. Now they were married, and
Speaker 1: then um and then let me just think of there
Speaker 1: might have been Oh my god, if there's anyone in
Speaker 1: the same movie. So oh. And then Mark Bills, like
Speaker 1: one of the producers on the show. Mark Bill's like
Speaker 1: it seemed like his his like kind of assistant, Like
Speaker 1: there were random women. No, um, Bill did not have
Speaker 1: any dates with him. But Bill is like a fascinating
Speaker 1: person in such an like why I love Bill maher
Speaker 1: more than just being a brilliant comedian and being super
Speaker 1: generous and like really really nice to my guest and
Speaker 1: like everyone waiters, like just you think that a guy
Speaker 1: like that might not but be that cool to waiters
Speaker 1: and stuff. It was funny. Chris on his show today,
Speaker 1: Um not kidn Play Chris, but Mike Chris. On his
Speaker 1: radio show today, he was doing a really fun segment
Speaker 1: called like you know, uh truth truth or fiction or whatever,
Speaker 1: and they just say things that happened to them over
Speaker 1: the break and you have to guess whether or not
Speaker 1: it was true. And he was like, I loved Bill
Speaker 1: Maher until he was rude to a waiter. One of
Speaker 1: the most disappointing moments was he was rude water and
Speaker 1: both his guests were like co hosts were like, that's true,
Speaker 1: and he's like, you think so, but it wasn't because
Speaker 1: he's just so. He's just one of those guys that like,
Speaker 1: is very what do you talk about on the plant?
Speaker 1: Like what's the conversation? Okay, so who stilly? When I
Speaker 1: walk in, everyone is just like, hi, Nikki, they all
Speaker 1: googled me, they all know who I am. I'm They're
Speaker 1: so everyone is so nice. We are just like adopted
Speaker 1: into this group of friends. Everyone's kind of nervous because
Speaker 1: they're all they all kind of know each other, but
Speaker 1: not really just throw Bill. We get on the plane.
Speaker 1: Bill gets there, He's wearing like these big elvis sunglasses
Speaker 1: and like, uh, just he's just like ready with a
Speaker 1: briefcase and he's ready to go. And he walks on
Speaker 1: the plane and we all take seats and we're kind
Speaker 1: of like nervous, like where do we sit. I sit
Speaker 1: across from Eddie and um Corey and and Chris and
Speaker 1: I are on one side of the table, and we
Speaker 1: just start talking about um just everything, I mean, like
Speaker 1: how they met, how Chris and I met, and we
Speaker 1: just I hate to say it, but Bill, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: to my own horn a little bit. So at the
Speaker 1: end of the trip, Bill's done this trip ten ten
Speaker 1: years in a row. This is you know, the skipped
Speaker 1: one year, this tenth anniversary, and he was like, there's
Speaker 1: something about the trip where everyone was so open and honest.
Speaker 1: And it started on the plane, probably an hour in.
Speaker 1: Bill starts making the rounds of like going to each
Speaker 1: group of the plane. There's like three sections to sit in,
Speaker 1: and he made it over to ours and we start
Speaker 1: talking about um Anal and I start, you know, issueing
Speaker 1: the benefits and the joy that has brought me in
Speaker 1: my life, and and asking him because he's a very
Speaker 1: sexually open person, and asking him about his sex life,
Speaker 1: and he is totally close off to Anal never done it,
Speaker 1: and he's like, there is poop back there, and then
Speaker 1: he goes, oh, so you're act. It's not an act
Speaker 1: and he was like, I didn't think it was, but
Speaker 1: like that's interesting. And then we start getting into all
Speaker 1: of that and it just everyone on the plane. There
Speaker 1: was a moment Annabel Gurwich is in the back reading
Speaker 1: a book and she's like meditating and I see her
Speaker 1: like kind of meditating and also overhearing this conversation about Anal,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh my god. She's like she's sixty
Speaker 1: but she looks like forty two. She's beautiful and just elegant,
Speaker 1: and she's kind of quiet. Up to this point she's quiet,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, this woman just like fucking hates me
Speaker 1: and probably thinks I'm so kid for like being like that,
Speaker 1: an know, with bill maher like trying to show off
Speaker 1: and be good, and I'm like, oh, she probably is.
Speaker 1: Just like this girl is just too much, you know,
Speaker 1: And I was trying not to be too much. But
Speaker 1: you know, I'm a lot. Joe Rogan two thousand Joe
Speaker 1: Rogan Comma, two thousand twelve. Yeah, I've always been a lot,
Speaker 1: And uh when I was born, I was very little.
Speaker 1: I was I was very skinny baby, and I had
Speaker 1: John decided to be in a little incubator like a
Speaker 1: little chicken. Um, and so he said, we just put Annabelle.
Speaker 1: At one point, um, everyone is like not into anal
Speaker 1: No one in my pilot. Well the pilot, of course
Speaker 1: he is, but he can't chime in. Um what if
Speaker 1: he over to loudspeaker, Like I love Chris though, because
Speaker 1: Chris is sitting there and it's just like he just
Speaker 1: I'm really happy to be with someone who, as like is,
Speaker 1: hates toilet humor. By the way, Bill Mare also hates
Speaker 1: toilet humor, So HIV and Chris like really connected over that.
Speaker 1: They don't like poop and fart jokes. They just makes
Speaker 1: them recoil. They just hate it. Even though Bill, I go,
Speaker 1: you have too fart jokes in your act where you
Speaker 1: literally fart in the act, Like you're like like you
Speaker 1: make fart sound. Uh it actually is, but highbrow fart
Speaker 1: and uh. She but at one point I look over
Speaker 1: at Annabelle and um, I go, God, I'm sorry, I
Speaker 1: guess I'm the only one even though all of you
Speaker 1: would be into it. And she goes I love it,
Speaker 1: and she just like quietly raised her hand and I
Speaker 1: was like, fuck, yes, girl, thank you, and then it
Speaker 1: just like opened up. We just were like all best friends.
Speaker 1: I mean, I really made some solid friends and people
Speaker 1: I will work with. Like I told Jim Valilei, who
Speaker 1: you know, kept referencing how he's like an old like
Speaker 1: kind of washed up guy, even though he's one of
Speaker 1: the quickest, funniest people ever. He was kind of just
Speaker 1: making jokes about like I'm an old man and like
Speaker 1: I'm invisible to women. I He's like, what you have?
Speaker 1: You have a great career out of you. You have
Speaker 1: such important things to say. I could be in bed
Speaker 1: and watch TV the rest of my life. I have
Speaker 1: nothing more to say. And I'm like Jim, now, like
Speaker 1: I if I was doing a scripted show, would you'd
Speaker 1: be my first higher. He's like one of the funniest
Speaker 1: people I've ever like, just and like I will say
Speaker 1: that he takes he um, he throws out jokes constantly
Speaker 1: and will like he does. He he does not pull back,
Speaker 1: and so there are bombs a lot of times, but
Speaker 1: then he is funny when he bombs. But you know
Speaker 1: that is the mark of someone who's just like he's
Speaker 1: just trying. He just always is lifting up the move.
Speaker 1: There was one time when we were at dinner and
Speaker 1: there was an Asian woman at the dinner with us,
Speaker 1: and he said someone, we were making erection jokes, and
Speaker 1: he was like erection. He was like, or the way
Speaker 1: the Japanese uh talk about the when they you know, uh,
Speaker 1: when they vote in a new candidate, the action like
Speaker 1: making up and it just fucking thudded on the like
Speaker 1: a like bread on a duck's back, just and it
Speaker 1: and he was just like OK. And and even later
Speaker 1: he was like, God, that was a rough bomb. And
Speaker 1: we were all He's like, I don't know what I
Speaker 1: was even thinking. Like he's like kind of old school
Speaker 1: and makes kind of you know, racy jokes sometimes. But
Speaker 1: we were around like people that just were cool and
Speaker 1: like let those jokes kind of jokes fly. It was
Speaker 1: so much fun. We did. Were five and a half
Speaker 1: hours on this flight together. We all got off the flight.
Speaker 1: We're best friends. We all went to our supper hotels.
Speaker 1: Like during the day, we would go um. One day
Speaker 1: we went all went to the beach together. We would
Speaker 1: have lunch together. We would go to dinner every single night,
Speaker 1: and Bill would pay for the whole thing. These great
Speaker 1: like luxurious lunches we would all take be advanced together
Speaker 1: going to the venues and um, we had two shows,
Speaker 1: so we were there four nights, but we had um
Speaker 1: two nights of shows. And we did a show in
Speaker 1: Maui on the thirtieth, and then we flew to Honolulu
Speaker 1: on the third fair And how much? How you have
Speaker 1: the show? How did you do? Bill would go out cold.
Speaker 1: Thirty minutes. Bill would go out cold, literally cold. He
Speaker 1: would walk out. I've never seen anything like it. We
Speaker 1: gotta go to break, but I'm gonna come back and
Speaker 1: tell you how Bill went out cold. So Bill would
Speaker 1: the show. There was no like what cold mean? Um,
Speaker 1: going out cold means you go out and you're shivering
Speaker 1: a little bit. Um, you go out in a tank top.
Speaker 1: So going out cold means you have no opener, there's
Speaker 1: no there's nothing to you just walk. It's the worst position.
Speaker 1: Usually the MC is the worst spot on the show,
Speaker 1: which is ironic because in the in the U S,
Speaker 1: m c s are usually the worst comic on the show.
Speaker 1: They're the comic with the least experience, right, And that's
Speaker 1: done because it's the least amount of time you stay
Speaker 1: on stage. Even though you bring up each comedian in
Speaker 1: the UK and maybe elsewhere, the m C is usually
Speaker 1: the most like maybe not the big act on the show,
Speaker 1: but is someone who is more proficient than the middle
Speaker 1: act because it's such a tough spot to go out cold,
Speaker 1: and you want someone there that can really fill those shoes.
Speaker 1: So it's so it's it's not a good wait system.
Speaker 1: We do it where the first person that goes out
Speaker 1: doesn't know how to like address the crowd because all
Speaker 1: the things that come with being a great showman and
Speaker 1: and m seeing a show are the things that come
Speaker 1: after you perfect your act. It's like the you know,
Speaker 1: audience interaction, it's the stage presence, it's all those things
Speaker 1: that are built with thousands and thousands. So Bill walks
Speaker 1: out to literally when did he tell you that he
Speaker 1: was going to go out cold? Never? I mean he said,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go out, then you'll go out. Wait, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go out. I'll bring up Kid or Chris Read.
Speaker 1: Then I'm gonna come back out. I'll bring up you.
Speaker 1: Then I'm going to close out the show. So he
Speaker 1: book ended it with thirty and thirty and uh kid,
Speaker 1: Chris did did thirty and it uh he but he
Speaker 1: doesn't go out like when I bring up a meal
Speaker 1: to go up cold on our shows. He's really not
Speaker 1: going up totally cold because I do, and he is
Speaker 1: because he's the first person on stage. But I do
Speaker 1: another expression in the biz voice of God, which is
Speaker 1: the sound you hear when someone's talking backstage, like welcome
Speaker 1: to the show. Please put your mask over your nose
Speaker 1: and mouth. But um. I usually bring up a meal
Speaker 1: with a couple of jokes and I'm like, hey guys,
Speaker 1: it's Nikki. And usually I have to say the headliner
Speaker 1: does not get You don't hear from the headliner at
Speaker 1: all before they walk out on stage. So I would
Speaker 1: do that as like to give a meal something, um,
Speaker 1: which he doesn't need, but you know he I want him.
Speaker 1: Every comedian, no matter how good you are, you don't
Speaker 1: want to go up cold. It's just it's taking the bullet,
Speaker 1: as we also call it. So Bill goes up, but
Speaker 1: he doesn't. There's no please welcome Bill maher or like
Speaker 1: the lights don't even change. It's just all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: the music goes bom bom, bom bump like his his
Speaker 1: real time music. And he just walks out and it's
Speaker 1: not like it's like he walks as the music starts
Speaker 1: and there's no he's just goes and he hits the
Speaker 1: mic and he has a little music stand that he
Speaker 1: puts his notebook on and he flips through his jokes because, um,
Speaker 1: he goes on stage high every single time. He has
Speaker 1: never not been high on stage when he does stand up. Now,
Speaker 1: let me say that Bill Maher does not smoke weed
Speaker 1: ever or get high, and he doesn't do edible because
Speaker 1: he's had bad experiences which are hilarious stories that he
Speaker 1: shares on. You gotta go see him if you are
Speaker 1: you know, even if you're a conservative, Bill is going
Speaker 1: to hit both sides of whatever you feel and educate you.
Speaker 1: And he's just really good. He's really really good at
Speaker 1: stand up. And I would not be saying this if
Speaker 1: he weren't someone that I think our besties would like
Speaker 1: to go see. I would just say he's great. I
Speaker 1: wouldn't say this, you know what I mean, Like, I
Speaker 1: really recommend going to see him. You'll learn a lot
Speaker 1: and he's one of the best stand ups out there.
Speaker 1: So he Um, yeah, but he he doesn't ever go
Speaker 1: on on real time or on TV stoned. He's very regimented.
Speaker 1: Now for me, if I'm getting stoned before show, I'm
Speaker 1: getting stone before Like I was stoned on F Boy
Speaker 1: for some of it. You know, by the end of
Speaker 1: F Boy, I was like, let me take a little hit.
Speaker 1: Like we was talking to and then I was talking
Speaker 1: to what he Haroldson Will been into that later and
Speaker 1: we were talking this is when we were getting into
Speaker 1: like when do you imbibe substances or smoke before things?
Speaker 1: And what he even said like you know what, he's
Speaker 1: a big pot head too, and he's like, I don't
Speaker 1: smoke before a scene? Because I go, do you ever
Speaker 1: smoke before a scene? Because I told my story to Wood?
Speaker 1: He we're going too fat? How did you meet? Where?
Speaker 1: Was what? He at the show? What he couldn't go
Speaker 1: because what he's unvaxed, And Bill was like, god damn it. Wood.
Speaker 1: He and also Eddie Vetter usually goes to the Honolulu
Speaker 1: show because he's the he's good friends with Obama and
Speaker 1: he like lives in Honolulu during the holidays to be
Speaker 1: friends with Obama and hang out with them like best
Speaker 1: friends with Obama edi vetter, and he didn't go to
Speaker 1: our Honolula show even though he goes every year for
Speaker 1: ten years, because he was scared of COVID and so
Speaker 1: it sucked that we didn't get these like but what
Speaker 1: he did come to dinner afterwards. So after the shows,
Speaker 1: we would at ten thirty or eleven, we would go
Speaker 1: back to the Four Seasons and they would open up
Speaker 1: the restaurant that's now closed and they would serve us
Speaker 1: dinner at this big table with thirteen of us plus
Speaker 1: Um Larry was there that night at the show, so
Speaker 1: he met. He was staying at the Four Seasons up
Speaker 1: at the show, so I went whale watching that day.
Speaker 1: So when I went whale watching that day with Chris,
Speaker 1: it was um. We invited everyone, but no one wanted
Speaker 1: to go. Bill was like, I can see them on
Speaker 1: Google image. I'm just fine, and I was like, I
Speaker 1: feel that way about literally everything except Wales, so I
Speaker 1: get it. So Chris and I went alone. We said
Speaker 1: we'll meet you guys there. Usually we all go everywhere
Speaker 1: as a group together, so this was a little bit
Speaker 1: like is that okay? And Bill was like, yeah, it's fine.
Speaker 1: So we go to the venue straight from Whale Watching.
Speaker 1: We pull up and I get backstage and they take
Speaker 1: my temperature and everything, and everyone's already there. We got
Speaker 1: there like five minutes before, behind everyone else, and um,
Speaker 1: everyone's like um uh uh. Mark comes up to me,
Speaker 1: you know Bill's guy, and he's like, Bill wants to
Speaker 1: practice the song with you because we always closed the
Speaker 1: shows with a rendition of Smile Smile, even though it's
Speaker 1: breaking smile, and we needed to practice it because we
Speaker 1: practiced it before and we didn't know what key and
Speaker 1: we were So he's like, Bill went and I didn't
Speaker 1: memorize the lyrics ship and I'm like fun, but then
Speaker 1: I I quickly looked at them and got them, even
Speaker 1: though they're very hard because they're all like similar but not.
Speaker 1: And so we get we go to this green room.
Speaker 1: He's like Bill, Bill practice. So we go to get
Speaker 1: Bill and there's Larry David and I am still in
Speaker 1: my Whale Watching outfit. I went to the venue to
Speaker 1: change and I have no makeup on disgusting what hair,
Speaker 1: jean shortcutoffs that of I did not look but I
Speaker 1: did not look like if it would have needed to
Speaker 1: be said, like even Bill looked me up and down
Speaker 1: I go, I'm gonna change. Don't worry, I'm not wearing
Speaker 1: this stage because this isn't like a big show. But
Speaker 1: you know how like if I met Larry David, he
Speaker 1: doesn't care for me to go, I'm not gonna wear
Speaker 1: this on stage. Like, but I would have had to
Speaker 1: say that, because even though it doesn't need to be said,
Speaker 1: it kind of does, and then it would have just
Speaker 1: been So I was like, I don't want to meet
Speaker 1: Larry right now, and so I didn't say that, but
Speaker 1: thank god I did. I saw him in the corner
Speaker 1: talking to people. It was like this green room situation,
Speaker 1: like it looks like a break room of um an office. Right,
Speaker 1: there's a table, there's like coffee. Larry is there with
Speaker 1: his new wife. They got married recently. They've been dating
Speaker 1: four years. They met at Sasha Barrick Cohen's UH anniversary
Speaker 1: party with his wife, Eila Fisher. She she's a producer
Speaker 1: that worked with Sasha Bary Cohen. I've actually worked with
Speaker 1: her on something that I didn't um we didn't meet
Speaker 1: when we worked on it. But um, so he's there
Speaker 1: with his new wife. They're all talking to my friends
Speaker 1: Corey and Eddie, all those people, and I go off
Speaker 1: to practice the song with Bill and Chris. We nail it,
Speaker 1: and I run off to my green room to go
Speaker 1: get ready, curl my hair, put on makeup, put on
Speaker 1: my outfit. I come back out and like, okay, now
Speaker 1: I'm ready to meet Larry. I walk into the green room.
Speaker 1: They're all sitting around the table now and it's like
Speaker 1: break room area, and Larry is and they're all in
Speaker 1: a deep discussion with Annabelle Gurwitch about her son who
Speaker 1: is uh non binary, and Larry is being classic curb
Speaker 1: your enthusiasm Larry of like, now tell me what does
Speaker 1: it mean? What happens when you know he's asking all
Speaker 1: the questions about you know, trans people? And there I
Speaker 1: walk in and I go, Hi, I'm NICKI and he goes,
Speaker 1: we've met, and I go, I know, but I don't
Speaker 1: want to go we've met, Like I didn't want to
Speaker 1: be the person. Well, I don't know when he thinks
Speaker 1: he met me. There's no way he remembers meeting me
Speaker 1: at this But I didn't want to get into like
Speaker 1: when do you think but he he had seen me
Speaker 1: at the roast rod? Do hurt him in the bathroom?
Speaker 1: Go you don't want to laugh because it's so brutal,
Speaker 1: but it's really funny. Like he said that about me, right,
Speaker 1: like she don't want to laugh what she says, but
Speaker 1: it's like you can't help it. And that was like
Speaker 1: such a great little thing that we heard that. We're like, yes,
Speaker 1: Larry liked me. So then I walk again and Chris
Speaker 1: is behind me and we're both like, and I go, um, hi,
Speaker 1: I'm Nikki and he's like, I know you. He goes
Speaker 1: with that, and I go, I know, I don't. I
Speaker 1: was like, I don't expect you to remember me. I
Speaker 1: I love you. I was like, this season of Curb
Speaker 1: is so fucking good. Everyone I talked to we talked
Speaker 1: about it right away. It's like a conversation I have
Speaker 1: with everyone. I was like, you, you just killed it,
Speaker 1: thank you so much, and um, and I doubt and
Speaker 1: I questioned saying that because I'm like, oh, he's probably
Speaker 1: getting it all the time. And then I remembered my
Speaker 1: little rule, which is everyone thinks celebrities here things all
Speaker 1: the time, and so you never hear it. And whenever
Speaker 1: you see me on TV or whenever you see my
Speaker 1: face on something or see me in the magazine, please
Speaker 1: send me at Bestie's because I bet you think that
Speaker 1: everyone saw me and sends me something, but they don't
Speaker 1: because everyone thinks that everyone else did bystander effect. So
Speaker 1: he was like, oh, thank you, thank you, and then um,
Speaker 1: they got back into the conversation. I'm just sitting there
Speaker 1: kind of want ping pong like tennis matching, watching this conversation.
Speaker 1: And then and then it's time to go on stage.
Speaker 1: So we walk out and Larry and his wife who
Speaker 1: his wife was in the bathroom so I didn't meet
Speaker 1: her at that moment, are sitting. Um. I post a
Speaker 1: picture on my Instagram story. They're sitting front row on
Speaker 1: the side stage, which I realized, Like, when you're a celebrity,
Speaker 1: you never get actual good seats. You always get a
Speaker 1: profile seat at the show. Yeah, you always. You get
Speaker 1: to you get to watch, you get to be backstage
Speaker 1: with the artist, and like I got to see Bruce
Speaker 1: Springsteen from the profile. But the sound is bad backstage,
Speaker 1: Like you can't hear anything make you more nervous or
Speaker 1: hell fucking yess it does. This is the second show
Speaker 1: and by the way, I want Yeah, the first show
Speaker 1: I killed, and I want to do different material in
Speaker 1: the second show though, because I, Bill and I had
Speaker 1: a separate discussion um during chris Is set on the
Speaker 1: second night, Bill and Bill had come off stage, and
Speaker 1: Bill did the same thing because he's working on his special,
Speaker 1: so he did the same sets. But he walked off
Speaker 1: stage and we're watching us a set that we saw
Speaker 1: the night before, you know, and he goes, even though
Speaker 1: we're comics and we know that you got to repeat material,
Speaker 1: there's something kind of inherently embarrassing about watching a comedian
Speaker 1: repeat material. And I was like, there is, you know,
Speaker 1: there is, But he was doing it too, Yeah, but
Speaker 1: he was acknowledging even for himself. But then but it
Speaker 1: wasn't about Chris. It was just like we and I,
Speaker 1: Chris and I, uh my, Chris and I were actually
Speaker 1: loving watching Bill Maher's jokes a second time, and we
Speaker 1: both realized that there's something about hearing a joke you
Speaker 1: like the second time that there's value to it. So
Speaker 1: there's truth to both. But when he said that, I
Speaker 1: had already planned on doing a whole different half hour,
Speaker 1: but that was cemented it for me, and I was
Speaker 1: I had saved a lot of great jokes for a
Speaker 1: second So I was like, you know what, Um, I
Speaker 1: have a loose idea of what I'm gonna do, but
Speaker 1: who knows. So I go out there. I have some
Speaker 1: Hawaii jokes, by the way that I throw out. I
Speaker 1: didn't do it on the second show, but can I
Speaker 1: run them from my first show? I go, so beautiful
Speaker 1: here were yeah sor in Maui, It's so freaking beautiful here.
Speaker 1: You guys live here? You you guys live here? Where
Speaker 1: do you mm hmmm, where do you you guys live
Speaker 1: in a paradise? Where do you guys? Um you can
Speaker 1: pass vacation? Where do you go to get away from
Speaker 1: it all? Houston? Um? And then that was the joke.
Speaker 1: And then I go, when you get off, when you
Speaker 1: get off the plane in Houston, what do they put
Speaker 1: around your neck? A human? That's funny though, because news
Speaker 1: was the line that Jim Valilei gave me, because I go,
Speaker 1: what can they put around your neck in Houston? He
Speaker 1: goes a news and I was like, perfect. And then
Speaker 1: Chris came up and goes, you can say I thought
Speaker 1: it was a lasso. That's great one too. So anyway, um,
Speaker 1: those were my Hawaii jokes. Hawaii jokes relate to that
Speaker 1: because living in Florida, you didn't feel like because I
Speaker 1: grew up in a vacation spot until you went to
Speaker 1: the Bahamas. But the Bahamas you already lived pretty much
Speaker 1: in the Bahama. Yeah. St. Louis is the last you
Speaker 1: leave St. You don't vacation. You don't vacation in Louis,
Speaker 1: although you should because we have literally forest Park and
Speaker 1: the city Museum and our museums, like you should vacation
Speaker 1: in St. Louis. Um, and I'm doing a tourist thing
Speaker 1: for St. Louis pretty coming up pretty soon. Um, any
Speaker 1: other questions. So Larry David, Larry David, do you see
Speaker 1: him take a seat before you go on stage? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Because so they have all the chairs set up for
Speaker 1: all thirteen of us on the side of the stage
Speaker 1: to watch during the show. Larry and his wife are
Speaker 1: sitting right front worse, you know, stage right and their
Speaker 1: front right okay, and then there's a seat next to
Speaker 1: them for Bill. So I'm watching them watch Bill. Then
Speaker 1: Bill comes back. He's sitting next to me. We're watching
Speaker 1: that or no, this was yeah, we're watching, uh, Larry
Speaker 1: and his wife watch Chris and then he laughing at
Speaker 1: all when he's watching, so you know, he's he's he's
Speaker 1: really enjoying Bill. He's enjoying Bill sits next time during
Speaker 1: Chris is set, so they're kind of talking, so he's
Speaker 1: not as much listening. But uh, and I haven't met
Speaker 1: his wife yet, you know, And it would be so funny.
Speaker 1: Bill walked out in your set again like halfway through
Speaker 1: like you did at the cell. Oh my god, he
Speaker 1: was so freaking nice. So wait, so okay, sorry, sorry,
Speaker 1: so you go out. He announces you you go up
Speaker 1: after so he goes, Bill goes out and uh, and
Speaker 1: I go, I'm standing next to Larry and his wife,
Speaker 1: and I go, I don't like this. I don't want
Speaker 1: to do this. You gotta front, you gotta sit right here.
Speaker 1: I was like, this is please, Will you just go
Speaker 1: to the bathroom or something. I can't handle this and
Speaker 1: he us what he goes, we're freaking, we're excited. We're big,
Speaker 1: We're big. I'm a big fan. I'm a big He
Speaker 1: kept pointing to himself at the claw like we're big fans,
Speaker 1: we're big fans. And I go, stop, I go, I
Speaker 1: don't need to hear this ship right now, Larry, I
Speaker 1: go I don't go. I don't need to hear this.
Speaker 1: I know I can't handle that. And I go, that
Speaker 1: is so nice. I was like, thank you someone that's
Speaker 1: so nice. And I go, Hi, it's so nice to
Speaker 1: meet you. And I'm and I say to his wife
Speaker 1: and again, I know that they got married from reading tabloids, right,
Speaker 1: And it's weird to know things about celebrities and be like,
Speaker 1: I heard you got married because I read the Daily Mail.
Speaker 1: But I was like, I go, you guys. He's like,
Speaker 1: this is my wife. And I met her and I
Speaker 1: was like hi, and she was like, oh, actually we
Speaker 1: met on this thing. And I go, congratulations on do
Speaker 1: you guys just got married? Right? And she's like yeah.
Speaker 1: I go how long have you been together? And she's like,
Speaker 1: you know, four years? And I go, how to meet?
Speaker 1: So we're saying all of this as Bill is out
Speaker 1: there like about to bring me up and I'm there,
Speaker 1: Chris got all these pictures and be like talking to them,
Speaker 1: and I'm just like sitting there like gallant out with
Speaker 1: her about like how they've that, And I'm like, wait,
Speaker 1: did you, like like how did you you sent me
Speaker 1: a photo? And it was just from behind of Larry
Speaker 1: and that's just like how like like so much of
Speaker 1: their recognizable Yeah yeah, and you just here didn't. So
Speaker 1: then um, I go out and I did. I wasn't
Speaker 1: nervous at all, like I because you spoke with them,
Speaker 1: or just because because I just know that I'm funny
Speaker 1: and I know that like the jokes I'm about to
Speaker 1: do are great. So what did you open with? If
Speaker 1: not the Houston not the Hawaiian m I opened with, um, God,
Speaker 1: what did I open with that? Oh? I opened with um,
Speaker 1: you're all wearing masks. I sometimes get worried about the masks,
Speaker 1: being like I'm not scared of it, you know that.
Speaker 1: But I didn't end up doing that. I just stopped
Speaker 1: at the uh going like you know, I I think
Speaker 1: of massies like I think of covid is, like I
Speaker 1: don't care if I get it. I don't want to
Speaker 1: give it. It's like it's like oral sex. Yeah. And
Speaker 1: are you looking at Larry at all? Because he's like
Speaker 1: it's a huge it's like a theater like we've performed
Speaker 1: in the same sizes and he's way off to the
Speaker 1: stage stage right. But I can hear my friend Eddie
Speaker 1: laughing because this is my friend Eddie that I did.
Speaker 1: I did a whole um so compilation of Eddie was
Speaker 1: a little drunk. And he's one of those guys that
Speaker 1: like comments after he laughs. He's great laugher, boisterous, but
Speaker 1: he comments after every thing you'll see. So I put
Speaker 1: together a super cut of Eddie watching Bill Maher and
Speaker 1: responding to it and um, and I put captions with
Speaker 1: it so you might not be able to hear exactly
Speaker 1: what he's saying. So this is just all of the
Speaker 1: times that I and this is probably ten percent of
Speaker 1: the times that he did it. And we were laughing.
Speaker 1: The show became Edie listening to Eddie mind snitches. He's
Speaker 1: like two times at the cacklen he goes expensive. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: that's what he drops his phone. I just have all
Speaker 1: of this that whoa. He's one of those guy doesn't
Speaker 1: know what he goes. He goes, Bill bargoes, they have
Speaker 1: a word for it. It's because he's talking about millennials
Speaker 1: being like kind of he has great points about he
Speaker 1: does this whole thing where you know he doesn't like millennials.
Speaker 1: He thinks you know, he was on me about being
Speaker 1: on my phone the whole time, like you millennial on
Speaker 1: your phone? What are you gonna do when you go
Speaker 1: on stage? And I go, oh, I bring it because
Speaker 1: I record myself and he goes, oh yeah, I do
Speaker 1: that too. And it was like Bill was always get
Speaker 1: into fights. Not fights, but like he go like, why
Speaker 1: are you going to therapy? And I go. He goes,
Speaker 1: why do you need to go to therapy? I go,
Speaker 1: people go because it even if the person is terrible,
Speaker 1: you let out something. And he goes and what does
Speaker 1: that do? I go, you don't punch your kid, you
Speaker 1: don't kick your dog, you don't punch a wall. And
Speaker 1: he's like, okay, yeah, that's a good point. Like he
Speaker 1: would always acquiesce if I proved it was really like me,
Speaker 1: Bill connects with people when he debates, and it shuts
Speaker 1: a lot of people down because it's so intimidating. But
Speaker 1: I loved it, so I'd go, Bill, what are you
Speaker 1: talking about? Like it we have a really fun dynamic.
Speaker 1: So but hold listen to him say this adulting part
Speaker 1: and Eddie goes adult like, he repeats the adult ing
Speaker 1: So I made this whole clip of Eddie doing that,
Speaker 1: so um anyway, so I could hear Eddie most of
Speaker 1: the time. And then I got off stage and you know,
Speaker 1: Chris was just on the radio today recounting, and so
Speaker 1: I'll say what he said, which was um, Larry's like
Speaker 1: bending over, laughing, slapping his knee and he's like, you know,
Speaker 1: the guy that's probably arguably brought more laughs to the
Speaker 1: worlds than anyone, you know, via Seinfeld and curb Um
Speaker 1: is making you know, Nikki's making him laugh harder than
Speaker 1: you know, I've seen ever laugh. It felt great. It
Speaker 1: felt like, you know what, I might not trust literally anyone,
Speaker 1: but I can trust Larry David that it's funny and um.
Speaker 1: And so that was really nice. And then he didn't
Speaker 1: go to dinner with us, but he did write on
Speaker 1: the van back with us, and at one point he
Speaker 1: was like, does they want any gum and um? You know,
Speaker 1: Chris Christmas like, I've got I've got some, and then
Speaker 1: my friend Corey was like, I've got some too, and
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, it's a race for the gums.
Speaker 1: So Chris has he's got has gum and he got
Speaker 1: him gum and I took a picture of Chris giving
Speaker 1: him gum, and so Chris has this great picture of
Speaker 1: him like giving Larry and we Chris and he had two.
Speaker 1: It was like gum that comes in cubes that's in
Speaker 1: like the kind of cup, and like, I forget what
Speaker 1: it's called. And I and last night I was I
Speaker 1: wrote a whole bit on Chris's instagram of what Larry
Speaker 1: David would say about the gum. I said, what happened
Speaker 1: to sticks of gum? I can maybe understand a chickilate
Speaker 1: with a hard shell, but a chicklate shape with the
Speaker 1: consistency of a stick. What are they trying to pull
Speaker 1: here with a soft cube a cube of gum? I
Speaker 1: like my gumb in sticks, not cubes. I guess next
Speaker 1: time I want to chill a chill to chill a breverdge,
Speaker 1: I'll ask for some ice sticks in a cup. So
Speaker 1: I wrote that, and then Chris was like, uh, I
Speaker 1: did have some like to cook two pieces of gum
Speaker 1: in my pocket because the whole cup is covered something.
Speaker 1: I was going to pull them out of my pocket,
Speaker 1: but I was so scared he was gonna go, I
Speaker 1: want to lose cube. I think I want to lose cube. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And so I was like, that's so funny um. And
Speaker 1: then Larry said goodbye. We got to the hotel to
Speaker 1: go to dinner Larry and his wife retired, and we
Speaker 1: go walk through the lobby and we're like, oh damn,
Speaker 1: it would have been fun to have Larry at dinner,
Speaker 1: and Chris and I had missed the rand writer there
Speaker 1: and then kind of hang in the green room and
Speaker 1: we get back and um, and there was no like
Speaker 1: chalking really in the van. It was like kind of
Speaker 1: and then we're talking up front. We were in the
Speaker 1: back just like, oh my god. And we get to
Speaker 1: the table and Wall Harrilson's sitting there with his wife
Speaker 1: and I sit down next to Woody because I don't
Speaker 1: know why not. And I said to Woody, you know,
Speaker 1: oh hey, I think I told this yesterday. Did I
Speaker 1: say yesterday? I said, um, hi, And he's like, Woody,
Speaker 1: nice to me, you know. I go, we met at
Speaker 1: Jennifer Lawrence's ages ago. You were so nice. It's so
Speaker 1: good to see you again. I don't expect you to remember.
Speaker 1: And he goes, oh, oh my god, how is she?
Speaker 1: Or he goes, oh cool, all right, and I was
Speaker 1: like and he and then at one we're sitting there
Speaker 1: and he goes, hey, send gen a picture of us,
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, I'm not really friends with
Speaker 1: her anymore. But and he goes, why not, and I
Speaker 1: was like, there wasn't any like reason, It's just you know,
Speaker 1: separate lives. And I go, but you know what, this
Speaker 1: is a perfect reason to get back in touch with her.
Speaker 1: And so I took a selfie of us and it's
Speaker 1: such a cute picture. I should put it on my
Speaker 1: main post. Um, I'll save it for when he dies.
Speaker 1: Um he uh, we don't know. It was so nice
Speaker 1: and at one point he's so funny and like just
Speaker 1: he was really curious. St. Louis met the two most
Speaker 1: influential bald men in cinema history. He's so cool. He
Speaker 1: was so nice and let me just say, so nice
Speaker 1: to Chris my plus one. No one needed to be
Speaker 1: nice to Sorry, sorry, sorry I didn't. So he sent
Speaker 1: the photo of Gen. She didn't write back, but like
Speaker 1: that was our number from like five years ago. So
Speaker 1: who knows. And but during the dinner, I gotta go
Speaker 1: to break and I'll tell you what happened next. So
Speaker 1: I'm sitting next to what Harrilson at dinner and he's
Speaker 1: asking me about St. Louis and about what it's he
Speaker 1: like he lives in Hawaii, so I didn't realize that.
Speaker 1: I was like, you know, it's just nice to get
Speaker 1: away with the pressures of l A and New York.
Speaker 1: And I'm a workaholic, so I kind of it's like
Speaker 1: keeping the alcohol in a cabinet, like you gotta go
Speaker 1: unlock the thing to get it, like I gotta fly
Speaker 1: here to get my drug. And he liked that, and
Speaker 1: he was talking to me about like, oh, I could
Speaker 1: I think I could live in the Midwest, like I
Speaker 1: could do something like that. I was like, you would
Speaker 1: I go? You think I'm I go, I'm like a
Speaker 1: nobody compared to you, But you think people in the
Speaker 1: Midwest give a ship like you might be like you're
Speaker 1: a big fish in a small pond where there's not
Speaker 1: a lot of celebrities, but it doesn't give a fuck
Speaker 1: about celebrity, Like it's almost insulting sometimes where I'm like
Speaker 1: I've been you don't care, Like I was, like, they
Speaker 1: really leave you alone, like because they don't care. They
Speaker 1: if they cared, they would have left to go pursue
Speaker 1: that kind of thing, you know, like the l as
Speaker 1: of celebrity obsessed New York celebrity obsessed because everyone there's
Speaker 1: trying to be famous and rich. Here in the Midwest,
Speaker 1: people are still have want to be rich, but it's
Speaker 1: just like they don't care about fame as much. And
Speaker 1: then we're sitting there and we order and he's already
Speaker 1: eaten and we're sorry it was before we ordered, and
Speaker 1: he just taps me and he goes, hey, um, I
Speaker 1: want you to have this, and he just hands me
Speaker 1: as menu like it was some gift he was giving me,
Speaker 1: and he goes, I really want you to have this,
Speaker 1: and I go would he know, Like I just I can't.
Speaker 1: I can't, this is yours, and he's like, I just
Speaker 1: really think you should know. I was like, this means
Speaker 1: so much to me, Like like we had like the
Speaker 1: funny like bit and then like during at someone mentioned
Speaker 1: during dinner like can we smoke weak because this place
Speaker 1: it was outdoor air were the only people in the restaurant,
Speaker 1: and you know wood, he lights one up and starts
Speaker 1: passing around, and boy was I tempted to partake, but
Speaker 1: you know I did not. I will say that Chris
Speaker 1: there was one of the reasons I didn't because Chris
Speaker 1: does not love my pot smoking, and I like I
Speaker 1: like that he likes me sober, and it matters to
Speaker 1: me that I'm not, you know, doing something that he
Speaker 1: It's not like he wouldn't he wouldn't make me feel
Speaker 1: bad if I did it. But you know I and
Speaker 1: he knows how I feel about I don't care about
Speaker 1: my streak, like, oh, I've had this many days, like
Speaker 1: I can do things. If I slip up, it's not
Speaker 1: going to ruin my sobriety or whatever. But I do know.
Speaker 1: And I wanted to say this to people who might
Speaker 1: have that little pats in the back of their head
Speaker 1: when they get offered to drink and they're like, God,
Speaker 1: this is the time to do it, like I'm gonna
Speaker 1: regret not doing it, especially with pot. And I would
Speaker 1: say it's the same with alcohol, because I've never given
Speaker 1: into my alcohol tendencies. When I've been around great people
Speaker 1: drinking and you go, oh, I'm disappointing this famous person
Speaker 1: and this is the only time I'm gonna meet them,
Speaker 1: and I'm the lame duck. But I will say that
Speaker 1: when I didn't smoke weed, no one fucking cares. No
Speaker 1: one cares, No one thought I was the loser, no one,
Speaker 1: no one talked to me less because of it. You
Speaker 1: just don't pick it up. It's literally the same as
Speaker 1: if I would have taken it like I passed it,
Speaker 1: and no one knows the difference. And I thought it
Speaker 1: was gonna be this thing. And honestly, I woke up
Speaker 1: the next morning. My lungs didn't hurt. I didn't feel
Speaker 1: like did I say something weird? I had my inhibitions
Speaker 1: about me, and I was able to have like great
Speaker 1: conversations with him and Bill and everyone else the rest
Speaker 1: of the night without feeling paranoia or any of that
Speaker 1: stuff that would have come. So I was really I
Speaker 1: wouldn't have been mad at myself if I did it,
Speaker 1: but I was really happy with myself that I did it.
Speaker 1: And I don't think if Chris would have not been there,
Speaker 1: I think I would have done it, which would have
Speaker 1: been fine too. But I was then able to have
Speaker 1: a really great conversation and not a question that I
Speaker 1: was being too much or weird. It's interesting because like
Speaker 1: the people like used to give me shit about not drinking,
Speaker 1: we're like friends from high school or whatever, and it's like,
Speaker 1: I don't know, it's just like a certain kind of
Speaker 1: friend or a certain kind of person that gives you
Speaker 1: shit about not getting sucked up because they're getting sucked
Speaker 1: up and I love them. But then there's like a
Speaker 1: level of like, oh, these people accomplished their passion and
Speaker 1: their goal in life, so they're not gonna fucking look
Speaker 1: at the person next. You know, you've got to get
Speaker 1: funked up. It's kind of a dumb thing to do
Speaker 1: to someone because you're being very selfish and insecure thing
Speaker 1: because you need other people to do something in order
Speaker 1: for you to make it feel okay. They're the peer
Speaker 1: pressure is completely insecurity on a one persons, And I
Speaker 1: understand wanting other people to have fun with you and
Speaker 1: person up and you're like, I want to like I've
Speaker 1: I hated when I drank and I knew I was
Speaker 1: gonna get stupid and there would be people there that
Speaker 1: would remember how stupid I am. Like there is something
Speaker 1: to that, but again insecurity, let's get the final thought.
Speaker 1: I've blew past the news yet again. And I know
Speaker 1: we have great stories, but I wanted to play a
Speaker 1: game for our Wednesday wild Card literally with cards that
Speaker 1: backed by popular demand from the besties. Know, you got
Speaker 1: a lot of notes about how people like this, right
Speaker 1: yes I did. So. This is the game from Barstool Sports,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna have them send us more. It's called
Speaker 1: Answer the Internet, and it's these questions that are very kept.
Speaker 1: Let it and this question. It's Answer the Internet a
Speaker 1: t I questions as fucked up as you are. So
Speaker 1: here we go. Okay, I'll give you. Okay, I'm not
Speaker 1: ready for this. Okay, asked pull the Internet. Okay, Waffles
Speaker 1: or pancakes? Oh, waffles, because pancakes are. But you have
Speaker 1: to eat it with your dick. Yeah, you have to
Speaker 1: use your dick as a utensil. Yeah, but wait, seriously,
Speaker 1: waffles are pancakes? Pancakes? Wait? Is the dick part really
Speaker 1: a part of Now? This is just this is actually
Speaker 1: a normal one. Waffles or pancakes? Now? Um, waffles? Okay,
Speaker 1: you like a little It is like the same matter
Speaker 1: right right, here's the thing. Waffles. I feel like pancakes.
Speaker 1: I could eat more than pancakes to me. Doesn't like waffles.
Speaker 1: Feels like a special thing like chicken and waffles. You know,
Speaker 1: ice put ice cream on waffle. I don't know. Waffles
Speaker 1: just feels like once every once a year. Pancakes could
Speaker 1: probably be about ten times a year, I think, what
Speaker 1: do you think? Um, I don't do either because I'm
Speaker 1: scared of carbs and sugar. But if I when I
Speaker 1: let those things back in my life, um, when they're
Speaker 1: ready to come back into my life, naturally God wants
Speaker 1: me to have them fucking pancakes all day, you know,
Speaker 1: because waffles have a hardness to them, and I just
Speaker 1: love a funk. But I love the way pancakes soak
Speaker 1: up the syrup. Yesterday I treated myself, and I know
Speaker 1: this is such a dumb sentence, it's so l a,
Speaker 1: but I treated myself to avocado toast. And I don't
Speaker 1: eat a lot of bread, but I find much like
Speaker 1: not smoking pot, when I do eat bread, I never
Speaker 1: regret it if it's in a normal amount. It's just
Speaker 1: when you overdo it. It's you're not gonna get fat
Speaker 1: from bread if you eat it like a normal person.
Speaker 1: So I ate a great hearty whole like you know
Speaker 1: from you know the hotel. I say it is very
Speaker 1: like earthy and avocado toast is the best consistency because
Speaker 1: it soaks up the juicy avocado and his mushy. Plus
Speaker 1: bread is soft like I like, almost soft, not too
Speaker 1: toasted up. I love a moist soaked up things. Okay, same,
Speaker 1: God makes an amazing avocadd I'm gonna start eating it
Speaker 1: more often because man I unlaced their breakfast is incredible. Um,
Speaker 1: who has the easier job? Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny? Dude?
Speaker 1: Easter Bunny easy because to house he's a rabbit. Think
Speaker 1: about like, he doesn't have hands. You can see candy
Speaker 1: all day, doesn't he? Wait, no, he's eating carrots. I
Speaker 1: think my parents used like carrots and like the easter
Speaker 1: used to trash our house because my parents would like
Speaker 1: make it look like he had been there. And I
Speaker 1: was disturbed by a giant rabbit trashing our kitchen and
Speaker 1: leaving its remnants everywhere. Um, a real rabbit as a pet.
Speaker 1: My buddy had his girlfriend had it a little much.
Speaker 1: It's shipped all over my bed. I love those things.
Speaker 1: We shouldn't have been on your bed. Okay, well, sorry,
Speaker 1: I gotta get to a cool one before you. It's
Speaker 1: your here's a good one. Who's hotter? Ariel or Jasmine
Speaker 1: areal four areal now not brat stall Ariel? I would say, area,
Speaker 1: what about you know? I love Jasmine's a little firefox.
Speaker 1: Who would you rather be smoke show, Well, I think
Speaker 1: I would rather be Jasmine because she became like like
Speaker 1: a powerful than the fucking prince that and you get
Speaker 1: to fly on a carpet and stuff, there's like magic involved.
Speaker 1: But who's hotter? I gotta say I think Jasmine, because
Speaker 1: I mean I definitely was very aware of one thing.
Speaker 1: Arials pussy price smells like fish. Yeah, but you know
Speaker 1: Jasmine might have a fucking u t I from those
Speaker 1: those bugs carpet, Her carpet might smell like it might
Speaker 1: not smell like match. Um. No, Jasmine was hot because
Speaker 1: she I was gonna say, Aril, because she had that
Speaker 1: flowing hair in the water that was super hot and
Speaker 1: then like you know, flinging it on the rock and
Speaker 1: the shell boobs, and she had looked this beautiful face
Speaker 1: and and Jasmine's face looked a little less, it looked
Speaker 1: more cartoony. And Ariel had that like it just and
Speaker 1: obviously as like a white girl I related to. I
Speaker 1: love that I related to a mermaid more than just
Speaker 1: than Jasmine because she was a different race. But you know,
Speaker 1: as a little girl and Ariel it was in second grade, Jasmine,
Speaker 1: I was in like fourth grade, but I was. I
Speaker 1: think Jasmine for sure, because she had that sexy like
Speaker 1: um the blue little like the boostier, and she had
Speaker 1: this tiny little waist in the big flowing hair and
Speaker 1: big beautiful eyes Jasmine. Okay, here's the thing, too, Aria,
Speaker 1: It's like Jessica Rabbit without the fake tits. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: you're right, like a young one. That's what she grew
Speaker 1: into after you hit the streets. All right, all right?
Speaker 1: Would you rather you ready ye ship yourself every time
Speaker 1: you come, or get a boner every time you talked
Speaker 1: to a dude? I mean it's so funny. They don't
Speaker 1: even consider that women might play this game because none
Speaker 1: of these men hold on. So I would either get
Speaker 1: soaking wet, like yeah, every time you talk to a woman,
Speaker 1: I would squirre. I would just wear a diaper because
Speaker 1: ship smells and squirt doesn't. So I would rather squirt
Speaker 1: when I talked to a woman. What about you, wait,
Speaker 1: shoot your pants every time? You would orgasm yourself every
Speaker 1: time you come? Too much to have the first one? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean it's not even close. Yeah, that's insane. Okay.
Speaker 1: Would you go to a football game at a seventy
Speaker 1: thousand seat stadium. If you knew that five seats would
Speaker 1: get ejected into a black hole, but everyone who didn't
Speaker 1: get ejected would get five million dollars seventy thousand seats.
Speaker 1: So you have a one in thirty five Wait wait one, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: one thousand people out of no, it's had five hundred
Speaker 1: people in the seventy thousand steats stadium. I know how
Speaker 1: to do this. You have a point zero zero seven
Speaker 1: percent chance, you have one, you have seven seven, one
Speaker 1: h of a percentage. Who's to say that there's not
Speaker 1: more money into black I would not do it. I
Speaker 1: would not do it even if the price was like
Speaker 1: five hundred million. What if you were a starting comedian
Speaker 1: and you were your age, I would never do it
Speaker 1: because this is this is um squid game. I don't
Speaker 1: I can't know what happens in a black hole. Um no,
Speaker 1: you like, we'll get stretched and it's I guess nobody knows,
Speaker 1: because nobody will ever survive. We'll get longer. You're saying, oh, ship,
Speaker 1: then he's doing it now. Yeah, I think I would
Speaker 1: risk it. I think it'd be fun. That's the thing
Speaker 1: that you. I say that, But once I got to
Speaker 1: the game. My god, you would be shooting your pants
Speaker 1: because I'm coming, all right? Would you rather you ready
Speaker 1: have to piss sitting? This again, isn't okay? Would you
Speaker 1: rather win a World Cup in a soccer crazy country
Speaker 1: or win any US sports title? Essentially, it's the same
Speaker 1: soccers for gay people. Yeah, and yeah, like and others know,
Speaker 1: Like when you're growing up in high school, like a
Speaker 1: lot of times it was either football or soccer. We're
Speaker 1: the same season. And if you played soccer, you're like
Speaker 1: a little because I don't understand the culture around soccer,
Speaker 1: even though I knew it's huge. Yeah in Europe and
Speaker 1: South America. That's what. You're the most famous person in America,
Speaker 1: or you're the most famous person in the world old
Speaker 1: outside of America because America, although we care about World Cup,
Speaker 1: most of us don't. And I don't know who wins
Speaker 1: World Cups. And I know two soccer players names Ronaldo
Speaker 1: and Messy. Yes, but that's the thing, is like, So
Speaker 1: I would rather be famous where I am and be
Speaker 1: a big deal where I am, even if it's small potatoes. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I would rather over there pond. I would rather on
Speaker 1: the other side of the pond. Interesting but I think
Speaker 1: if you lived there, though, you would feel that same feeling,
Speaker 1: rather American idol than Miss Universe. Okay, but I think
Speaker 1: if you lived there, it depends if you I'm not
Speaker 1: putting myself in those shoes because I don't because I'm
Speaker 1: saying it as an American. Okay. Would you rather wait?
Speaker 1: What the fund? Does that mean? Would you rather? You
Speaker 1: surely know what this means? Would you rather fight a
Speaker 1: kangaroo or look like Sam Castle? Oh? Sam Cassell? Cassell?
Speaker 1: Who's Sam Cassell? He's just like an ugly basketball player?
Speaker 1: So yeah, that fuck that, And I'd rather frey kangaro
Speaker 1: of course. Would you rather have flamingo legs or t
Speaker 1: rex arms? Flamingo legs already have cells faces. I would
Speaker 1: much rather have flamingo. I already have skinny flamingo legs,
Speaker 1: but literally flamingo legs like like claws. I already have
Speaker 1: flood feet. Oh yeah, you got the claws. No, they're
Speaker 1: actually like I'm a duck. I got long arms for
Speaker 1: short I am so I don't know. This would suck.
Speaker 1: You couldn't jerk off if you have. This is a
Speaker 1: good one. I have to go. But would you rather
Speaker 1: be twice your weight or half your height. Fuck twice
Speaker 1: your weight or half your height. Twice my weight, twice
Speaker 1: my weight, half my height. Well you could lose weight,
Speaker 1: could you lose the weight? No, you have to be
Speaker 1: it forever. And that's that's not seven you'd be you'd
Speaker 1: be two nine, you'd be two nine. I'm five nine,
Speaker 1: so I would be five plus so tighty. So i'd
Speaker 1: be like three almost three ft. I'd be a little girl,
Speaker 1: be so little. I'd be the littlest so how much. Okay,
Speaker 1: you'd rather be that than to But um, I just have.
Speaker 1: I just have a lot of body stuff, so I can.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying that and then I'm not. But you
Speaker 1: don't think you have short body stuff if you were
Speaker 1: that small, I don't know. I don't have. I don't
Speaker 1: when I see short women. The thing is, when I
Speaker 1: see short women, there's no judgment. And I know that's
Speaker 1: super duper short. That's three yes, oh man, that's tiniest.
Speaker 1: I'd rather be twice my way. I'd rather be three times.
Speaker 1: I'd rather be four times my No fat shaming on
Speaker 1: the show, and um, that's my issue. I do not
Speaker 1: look down upon I looked down upon short people because
Speaker 1: I have to, but never do I. Yeah, I gotta
Speaker 1: got one therapy. Would you watch a five minute dirty
Speaker 1: sex tape of your daughter for a million dollars? No? No? Yeah? What? Yes? No,
Speaker 1: you're thinking of like a daughter that doesn't you don't
Speaker 1: have a daughter, and I know I don't either, but like,
Speaker 1: you're not gonna want to do that your mom? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Can you imagine your parents seeing you? H can you
Speaker 1: imagine your parents seeing you? You know what I would do?
Speaker 1: I would do it, and then I would I would
Speaker 1: do it and then I would give it to her
Speaker 1: half split it with her and the tapes anymore. Oh,
Speaker 1: by the way, can I just give a quick shot
Speaker 1: thank you for the messages about my mom? So many
Speaker 1: people wrote me and it was very nice. Thank you.
Speaker 1: And yeah, thanks to everyone who yesterday. That was so sweet.
Speaker 1: And Andrews pussy and so guys. Um, I'm just kidding.
Speaker 1: It was so sweet. I loved it. It It was beautiful. Um,
Speaker 1: I love you both. No, uh, Andrew, I love you. Bussies.
Speaker 1: Don't be kicked out there. I gotta go to therapy.
Speaker 1: Be uh with the guy that I'm dating, even though
Speaker 1: we're not dating yet and um, we don't be ka
Speaker 1: Um and Jack. That was really mean, That was jacked
Speaker 1: up