1 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,520 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of 2 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:15,640 Speaker 1: couch Talks. My name is Kat and I'm the host 3 00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:19,319 Speaker 1: and catch Talks is the special bonus episode of You 4 00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:22,680 Speaker 1: Need Therapy where I answer questions that listeners you guys 5 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:26,440 Speaker 1: send into me and you can send those to Catherine 6 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:29,920 Speaker 1: at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. So if you 7 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:33,120 Speaker 1: have a question, send it my way. Catherine is spelled 8 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:36,400 Speaker 1: k A t h r y N the fun way 9 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:39,640 Speaker 1: to spell Catherine. Also, if you have larger questions or 10 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:43,360 Speaker 1: ideas or I guess desires for ideas for me to 11 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:45,720 Speaker 1: cover in a regular Monday episode, you are more than 12 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:49,040 Speaker 1: welcome to send those into UM my email as well. 13 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,120 Speaker 1: You can also d m them to me. You can 14 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:54,480 Speaker 1: d m them to cat dot de fata my page 15 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:57,520 Speaker 1: or the podcast page You Need Therapy Podcast. You can 16 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:01,360 Speaker 1: also follow those pages if you feel hall to do so. Also, 17 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:04,520 Speaker 1: while we're chatting, before we get into um this episode, 18 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:08,560 Speaker 1: I want to kindly remind slash Ask that you guys, 19 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:12,040 Speaker 1: if you haven't yet rate the podcast, uh, it means 20 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:13,840 Speaker 1: a lot and it's very helpful for us. And if 21 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,360 Speaker 1: you have constructive feedback, you can email that to me. 22 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,720 Speaker 1: I'd rather you email that than post it on the 23 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,600 Speaker 1: podcast page. Although I guess you're welcome to do whatever 24 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,880 Speaker 1: you please. I would just rather get it in an email. 25 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:25,760 Speaker 1: But if you could rate and review the podcast, and 26 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:28,360 Speaker 1: you haven't yet, that would be so awesome. I would 27 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:31,919 Speaker 1: be so grateful for you doing that. Now, each week, 28 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,360 Speaker 1: I read one email and then I talked through my 29 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:38,520 Speaker 1: thoughts and quick reminder before I get into my thoughts 30 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:42,760 Speaker 1: that this is not therapy. This is just me giving 31 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:45,040 Speaker 1: you some thoughts. And I happened to be a therapist. 32 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,920 Speaker 1: It's not therapy and it's not a replacement. So here 33 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:51,120 Speaker 1: is our email. We keep them all anonymous. So here 34 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:52,880 Speaker 1: it is. I'm going to read it and then we'll chat. 35 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:56,000 Speaker 1: To make a long story short, my boyfriend moved to 36 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,720 Speaker 1: my area and started a new job, carrying his own 37 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:01,480 Speaker 1: stressors and anxiety, and it started to take a toll. 38 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:04,920 Speaker 1: This led to a large blowout anxiety attack for him, 39 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:07,520 Speaker 1: which triggered my friend, who is really more of a 40 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,880 Speaker 1: sister to me, to a point where it's now straining 41 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,600 Speaker 1: our relationship. I ended up leaving and going back home 42 00:02:12,639 --> 00:02:15,160 Speaker 1: for a month out of nowhere, and I just left everyone. 43 00:02:15,639 --> 00:02:17,880 Speaker 1: This is very out of character. For me and also 44 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,200 Speaker 1: made me hurt those close to me. The time away 45 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:22,560 Speaker 1: was good and allowed me to process, but I regret 46 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,239 Speaker 1: the choice and still don't understand why I went that direction. 47 00:02:25,919 --> 00:02:28,240 Speaker 1: I guess it was me allowing myself to have the day, 48 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:31,280 Speaker 1: well month, I needed to have. While we are now 49 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:34,240 Speaker 1: starting to get better in both relationships, it's still a 50 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,560 Speaker 1: struggle to even bring up his name to her or 51 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:40,440 Speaker 1: her to him. It's a battle slash mix of having 52 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,560 Speaker 1: your family not liking who you're with, and a point 53 00:02:43,639 --> 00:02:45,600 Speaker 1: of can we ever get back to a place where 54 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:48,399 Speaker 1: we can all be together. I'm hopeful it can get 55 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:51,200 Speaker 1: back semi to what it was, but I'm fully aware 56 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,120 Speaker 1: it's a long shot due to the damages in the 57 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,480 Speaker 1: past for others. I guess what I'm getting at is 58 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,640 Speaker 1: I know it's not my job or placed to fix it, 59 00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,800 Speaker 1: but I also don't know how to really go about 60 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:03,639 Speaker 1: trying to facilitate or bridge conversations in the right time 61 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:06,680 Speaker 1: to help them heal. Okay, so this is a great conversation, 62 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,840 Speaker 1: and I think that a lot of us have probably 63 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:13,800 Speaker 1: had similar experiences because relationships are hard, and when someone 64 00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:16,120 Speaker 1: very close to you does not like your partner, things 65 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,320 Speaker 1: can get weird, and whether it's a friend or a 66 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:22,480 Speaker 1: family member, whoever, it just can get really weird and tough. Now, 67 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:25,239 Speaker 1: I'm missing a lot of important pieces from this story, 68 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:28,480 Speaker 1: so I can't really speak to the exact experience, but 69 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:30,799 Speaker 1: I still think that it would be valuable to talk 70 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:32,880 Speaker 1: about this generally, because, like I said, I think a 71 00:03:32,919 --> 00:03:35,000 Speaker 1: lot of us have had some kind of experience like this. 72 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,760 Speaker 1: So what do we do when two people we love 73 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:40,640 Speaker 1: and are close to don't get along, don't like each other, 74 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:43,560 Speaker 1: have some kind of conflict. Questions that come up as 75 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:45,720 Speaker 1: I'm thinking about this are like, are we just take sides? 76 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,280 Speaker 1: And if we don't take sides or we betrain somebody, 77 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,640 Speaker 1: is it our job to fix it? Is that our 78 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:54,080 Speaker 1: job to encourage healing? Like? Where is our role? Do 79 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,040 Speaker 1: we just sit there? Do we ignore it? Like? What 80 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,280 Speaker 1: do we do? And I think most of these answers 81 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,960 Speaker 1: are relative, But what I don't know for certain is 82 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:04,839 Speaker 1: that the responsibility of healing in relationships lies within the relationship. 83 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:08,480 Speaker 1: So we can't make other people authentically change, which can 84 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:12,800 Speaker 1: be a hard pill to swallow sometimes because that feels 85 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,080 Speaker 1: kind of like we have no power in that instance. 86 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:17,839 Speaker 1: We don't, like, we don't have the ability to force 87 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:22,200 Speaker 1: people to authentically change. What you do have control over, though, 88 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:25,120 Speaker 1: is how you set your own boundaries and how you 89 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:28,560 Speaker 1: approach those relationships. So maybe it's hard or awkward when 90 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,120 Speaker 1: you bring that person up to the other person, so 91 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:33,640 Speaker 1: maybe you create an internal boundary for yourself not to 92 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:36,080 Speaker 1: do that. Or maybe it's hard for you to hear 93 00:04:36,279 --> 00:04:38,400 Speaker 1: each of those people talk about the other, So maybe 94 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,680 Speaker 1: there's a boundary of like, we don't talk about that person, 95 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,839 Speaker 1: and that's hard because it feels like you have to 96 00:04:42,839 --> 00:04:45,240 Speaker 1: cut part of your life out. But also that might 97 00:04:45,279 --> 00:04:47,680 Speaker 1: be what you need in this interim where there's conflict 98 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,720 Speaker 1: in order to keep those relationships as healthy as you 99 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:54,560 Speaker 1: can within each of them. Now, what we also know 100 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,200 Speaker 1: when it comes to conflict is that there are always 101 00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:00,640 Speaker 1: three versions. Right, we have person one person too, and 102 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:03,880 Speaker 1: then we have the truth. However, with that, each person's 103 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,800 Speaker 1: version is their truth and their perspective, and we have 104 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:08,919 Speaker 1: to we have to remember that I don't mean that 105 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,080 Speaker 1: in as cheesy like it's my truth, Like that is 106 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:13,880 Speaker 1: their truth, that is what they see. And a lot 107 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:16,800 Speaker 1: of times what happens when we have conflict is we 108 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:19,680 Speaker 1: think that to resolve it, we must get the other 109 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:22,800 Speaker 1: person to understand our truth and agree. So understand and 110 00:05:22,839 --> 00:05:27,039 Speaker 1: agree rather than gain an understanding of theirs. When this happens, 111 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:31,320 Speaker 1: instead of repair, often each person's story just starts contending 112 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:33,520 Speaker 1: against the other. One of the issues of trying to 113 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,800 Speaker 1: get the other person to hear you rather than you 114 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:38,599 Speaker 1: hear them is that we are bringing all our stuff 115 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:42,240 Speaker 1: into the quote unquote ring. Okay, So if they're looking 116 00:05:42,279 --> 00:05:45,080 Speaker 1: through their screen and you're looking through yours, trying to 117 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:48,120 Speaker 1: convince each other that your screen is reality, then you 118 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,159 Speaker 1: will just literally be sitting there trying to do this 119 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,440 Speaker 1: dance until someone has a meltdown or explodes or an eruption, 120 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,920 Speaker 1: or you just give up. So when our motive is 121 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:59,360 Speaker 1: to get the other person to understand us, there's initial 122 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:02,799 Speaker 1: me versus you. It becomes one sided, and therefore someone 123 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:05,960 Speaker 1: has to win and someone has to lose. And then 124 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:10,440 Speaker 1: what about the relationship where the most healthy experience is 125 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,480 Speaker 1: there's person one person too, and there's relationship. We want 126 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:16,880 Speaker 1: the relationship to win. That's we were trying to get 127 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,760 Speaker 1: on the same team rather than playing against each other. 128 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,760 Speaker 1: The relationship is the team. So if you look at 129 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:26,880 Speaker 1: the situation, an attempt to understand the other person's experience. 130 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,120 Speaker 1: You don't have to agree with it, Okay, Understanding doesn't 131 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:33,200 Speaker 1: mean we agree. I can understand something that makes sense. 132 00:06:33,839 --> 00:06:35,800 Speaker 1: I don't agree with it, but it makes sense. We 133 00:06:35,839 --> 00:06:39,240 Speaker 1: can understand something without agreeing with it. So that's what 134 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,880 Speaker 1: I want to encourage people to move towards in these situations, 135 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:46,280 Speaker 1: an attempt to understand the other person rather than attempt 136 00:06:46,279 --> 00:06:49,120 Speaker 1: to convince the other person I'm right. It may not 137 00:06:49,279 --> 00:06:52,720 Speaker 1: be your experience, right, it probably won't be like when 138 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:56,040 Speaker 1: you understand their's it may not be yours. But if 139 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:59,360 Speaker 1: you can gain a deeper understanding of the other person's experience, 140 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:02,600 Speaker 1: some of your pain may be alleviated just from that, 141 00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:05,640 Speaker 1: just from being like, oh, I guess I made some 142 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:08,719 Speaker 1: assumptions here, and they made some assumptions here. Now that 143 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:12,160 Speaker 1: I know their experience, I know my assumptions might be 144 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:16,680 Speaker 1: a little off. So that's within the conflict right now. 145 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:18,880 Speaker 1: In this in this conversation and this email, we're kind 146 00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:20,560 Speaker 1: of talking about like what do I do if I'm 147 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:22,760 Speaker 1: outside of it? So I've already said, well, you can't 148 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:25,760 Speaker 1: control it, you can't fix it, you can't do the healing, 149 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:28,239 Speaker 1: and when you're on the outside, there's also an element 150 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:31,320 Speaker 1: of patients. You might be ready for resolve and repair 151 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,520 Speaker 1: before the actual players in the conflict are right, so 152 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:37,560 Speaker 1: they might need some more cooling off. You may have 153 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:40,080 Speaker 1: done that, or maybe you didn't need any cooling off, 154 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,920 Speaker 1: but they might need a little bit of space. And 155 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,160 Speaker 1: so there's an element of patients first, and then the 156 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:46,560 Speaker 1: solution to figuring out when the right time is for 157 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,600 Speaker 1: you to support them right, So like when is enough patience, 158 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:51,760 Speaker 1: when do I when do I bring this up, or 159 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,640 Speaker 1: any of that very simple, it's very simple to figure 160 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:56,880 Speaker 1: that out. There's not one answer, but it's very simple 161 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,200 Speaker 1: to help you find the answer to figure out. I 162 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:02,440 Speaker 1: believe it's completely be fair to express how the conflict 163 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:05,680 Speaker 1: affects you as the third person. I think it's completely 164 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,440 Speaker 1: fair to express that and to express how you feel 165 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:13,040 Speaker 1: in what may resemble like this triangle situation. It's also 166 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,000 Speaker 1: fair to ask what they may need in order to 167 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:18,320 Speaker 1: eventually repair the relationship. So this is what I'm talking about, 168 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,080 Speaker 1: This is what it might look like. So you're talking 169 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:23,120 Speaker 1: to one of these people. Hey, oftentimes it feels like 170 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:25,080 Speaker 1: I'm in the middle of a conflict that I don't 171 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:28,040 Speaker 1: have any control over. It's really painful and it's really 172 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:30,640 Speaker 1: scary to watch two very important people in my life 173 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:33,959 Speaker 1: carry the beliefs about each other that I have heard 174 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,480 Speaker 1: both of you express. Now. I know I cannot fix 175 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:39,680 Speaker 1: or do the repairing of this relationship myself, but it 176 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,840 Speaker 1: is something that I hope can happen. So when you 177 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:43,920 Speaker 1: are ready to work towards healing, can you please let 178 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:46,440 Speaker 1: me know how I can support you in doing so? 179 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:49,679 Speaker 1: So very very simple, right, So you're just saying, hey, 180 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,040 Speaker 1: this is hard for me. Hey, I really want I 181 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,400 Speaker 1: would really want you guys to work this out, and 182 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,120 Speaker 1: I know that it's not my decision, but I do 183 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:57,520 Speaker 1: want you to know that I hope this is something 184 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,199 Speaker 1: that can happen. And then I do want you to 185 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,560 Speaker 1: know that I'm here for you when that time is. 186 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:04,079 Speaker 1: I would like to know how I can support you. 187 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,360 Speaker 1: Now there's a difference between how how can I support 188 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,120 Speaker 1: you and how can I fix this? What can I 189 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:09,920 Speaker 1: do to fix it? Versus what can I do to 190 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,760 Speaker 1: support you? Because I know I can't fix it, but 191 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,480 Speaker 1: I can support you as somebody that loves you and 192 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:18,400 Speaker 1: loves this other person. So that's what we can do. 193 00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:20,959 Speaker 1: And then that person can respond and say like, hey, 194 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,079 Speaker 1: I hear you. I don't know how they're gonna respond, 195 00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:26,000 Speaker 1: but like, I will let you know when that time 196 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:29,800 Speaker 1: is Thank you so much, I'll let you know. You're saying, hey, 197 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:32,680 Speaker 1: I'm here, whenever you're ready. You tell me when the 198 00:09:32,679 --> 00:09:35,240 Speaker 1: time is right. They say, hey, okay, I'll let you know. 199 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:37,880 Speaker 1: That's how you know, and that's how you figure out 200 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,520 Speaker 1: when the best time for you to help bridge or 201 00:09:40,559 --> 00:09:44,160 Speaker 1: facilitate some kind of conversation or healing environment. You put 202 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,000 Speaker 1: that back in their hands because we can't do that. 203 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:50,160 Speaker 1: We can't force it. And when we force it, it's manufactured, builds, resentment, 204 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:54,480 Speaker 1: lots of stuff can happen. So tough situations, right, These 205 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,839 Speaker 1: are tough situations and there's not an easy way out 206 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,400 Speaker 1: of it at all. There's not a the way to 207 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,920 Speaker 1: fix it. And so in all of that, I would 208 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,319 Speaker 1: also say, find something that helps you kind of cope 209 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,960 Speaker 1: with a discomfort of it all. Whether that is journaline 210 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,240 Speaker 1: or whether that is going to therapy, or whether that 211 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:14,040 Speaker 1: is I don't know, taking a bubble bath, or maybe 212 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:16,240 Speaker 1: you need to scream into your pillow. I think that 213 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,640 Speaker 1: with all the toughness, it's okay to also need some 214 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:22,079 Speaker 1: copy and something to help alleviate some of the anxiety 215 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,959 Speaker 1: and pain and discomfort that you're feeling. So I hope 216 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,679 Speaker 1: that's helpful. Again, If you guys have questions, send them 217 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:31,400 Speaker 1: to Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com and 218 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:34,440 Speaker 1: then I will be back with you guys on Monday 219 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:38,200 Speaker 1: for another full episode. In the meantime, I hope you 220 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,160 Speaker 1: guys have the day you need to have and uh, 221 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:41,199 Speaker 1: I'll talk to you guys later.