Speaker 1: Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just reading an article
Speaker 1: about myself, Brandon, So you're just gonna have to start
Speaker 1: this podcast without me because I'm interested in what I
Speaker 1: have to say here. You're busy. Well, I guess we'll
Speaker 1: have to wait for a update on Cabo. Then. Oh, oh,
Speaker 1: never mind, let me get into that. Okay, let's not
Speaker 1: be silly Cabo. Can I just say that I don't
Speaker 1: think of myself as a beach vacation goer in the
Speaker 1: way that I like to do it when I was
Speaker 1: in my twenties and didn't realize that skame cancer was
Speaker 1: just around the corner, so I think taking a beach
Speaker 1: vacation it sounded so nice when someone brought up Cabo
Speaker 1: and I I don't love going to Cabo. I'll be honest.
Speaker 1: I mean, I love Mexican food, and I love Mexican people,
Speaker 1: and I love mango margarita's frozen. So I would say
Speaker 1: that that that is the main impetus for me when
Speaker 1: I go to Mexico. I like the vision or the
Speaker 1: visual of seeing a mango margarita that is frozen, that's
Speaker 1: headed towards me, and that I know it is coming
Speaker 1: in my way, and especially when they choose the appropriate
Speaker 1: glass ware to put a frozen margarita. And well, no,
Speaker 1: not necessarily. It's the glass shape that I'm talking about.
Speaker 1: But it doesn't have to be thick. It has to
Speaker 1: be actually, prefer it thin. But I like a large
Speaker 1: volume of it right because then it becomes an issue
Speaker 1: you have to drink it before it gets slushy. See.
Speaker 1: And I like the thick class because I feel like
Speaker 1: it retains the cold better. I don't know if that's true.
Speaker 1: I think that it's not on that. Yeah, it's gonna
Speaker 1: end up like the research I did on on rice. Well,
Speaker 1: I haven't done research on rice yet, but I have
Speaker 1: done research on ice, which is that if you put
Speaker 1: a lot of ice in a drink, it maintains the
Speaker 1: integrity of the coldness of the drink. A lot of
Speaker 1: people think that if you put a lot of ice
Speaker 1: in a drink, it dilutes the drink. If you're in
Speaker 1: the fucking Bahamas, yes, But if you're in a place
Speaker 1: that can hold ice, the more ice, the colder your
Speaker 1: drink will remain. If you put two to three ice
Speaker 1: cubes in a vodka soda in Europe, I don't like that,
Speaker 1: that's when it's going to get diluted. Yes, But back
Speaker 1: to my trip Chicabo. I stayed at a resort that
Speaker 1: I hadn't stayed out before, which was recommended by my
Speaker 1: travel agents. She said that I would like it. We
Speaker 1: went for three nights in two days, which is basically
Speaker 1: all I can take for a beach vacation. But I
Speaker 1: was so looking forward to just sitting on this chaise
Speaker 1: at a pool near a body of water. But I
Speaker 1: also had just gotten frac sled into my face around
Speaker 1: my eyes, so I looked like Batman when I left,
Speaker 1: and I had to protect myself from the sun, which
Speaker 1: was an exhausting part of being there. Like yeah, but no, no,
Speaker 1: not a good practice because I'll never wear a hat
Speaker 1: like that again. But I had to wear a Safari
Speaker 1: hat that kind of like covered the back of my
Speaker 1: neck and then the sides of my faces, so I
Speaker 1: was basically talking out of a hole. It was hot
Speaker 1: to be wearing like an traption like that. Jamie, my
Speaker 1: makeup bar artist who started a company called bly Lighter,
Speaker 1: which is the only product I use on my cheeks
Speaker 1: for blush. Look it up. Blin Lighter by Jamie Greenberg
Speaker 1: She was trying to teach me how to dance in Cabo,
Speaker 1: and I don't I can't really dance, So she was
Speaker 1: trying to teach me how to dance. And then when
Speaker 1: we got home, I was dancing for her in my kitchen.
Speaker 1: I made a Marco polo of me dancing in the
Speaker 1: kitchen the way she taught me, and I sent it
Speaker 1: to someone else. Her name is Jamie Greenberg, and I
Speaker 1: sent it to my friends Jackie Greenberg, so I got
Speaker 1: a really funny Marco, not a lot. She was like
Speaker 1: that is They were just laughing, laughing hysterically. And then
Speaker 1: I found out that I sent it to the wrong person,
Speaker 1: and then I just realized I do ship like that
Speaker 1: all the time. But yeah, So I came back from Cabo.
Speaker 1: We basically had Mango Margarita's. It was Jamie Molly, my
Speaker 1: cousin who for any of you have read my books,
Speaker 1: Molly's always in my books, and we had it was
Speaker 1: just so delightful and it was so nice and it
Speaker 1: was we got Yeah, and that was really your first
Speaker 1: a post pandemic m Yeah, my first vacation, I would say, Well,
Speaker 1: I went to San Francisco to see my sissy, But yeah,
Speaker 1: I would be my first trip like that. Oh, and
Speaker 1: we announced the tour. Everybody vaccinated and horny. That's me.
Speaker 1: I'm vaccinated and I'm morny. And we just are adding
Speaker 1: shows to the original shows. We are adding a second
Speaker 1: show at the Beacon in New York City. We're adding
Speaker 1: a second show in Denver the same night as the
Speaker 1: first show. We're adding a late show. So yeah, get
Speaker 1: your tickets a ticket master. I'm doing the Santa Barbara
Speaker 1: Bowl and I'm so fucking excited and Humphries by the
Speaker 1: Bay and it jumps off at the Mirage in Vegas
Speaker 1: July the Mirage, So I'm going to spend the night
Speaker 1: there in Vegas for the first time in a long time.
Speaker 1: Another place that I don't typically like to spend too
Speaker 1: much time and for obvious reason. Yeah, that's the location
Speaker 1: where you only go for twenty four hours too. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's exciting that you're getting back on the road. Are
Speaker 1: you excited to be out on the road. Yeah, I am.
Speaker 1: I did like six shows at the Irvine Improv a
Speaker 1: couple of weeks ago, and I put a whole brand
Speaker 1: new hour up, like you have to go up with
Speaker 1: all brand new materials, some stuff I had left over
Speaker 1: from the last special that I didn't use. So that
Speaker 1: was great, little buffer. It's hard to do that. I
Speaker 1: was so so nervous and then I did it and
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, that's tough. Like I like to
Speaker 1: do tough stuff like that. It makes you feel really
Speaker 1: confident in your ability to like challenge yourself, you know,
Speaker 1: in the accomplishment of getting like starting the set from
Speaker 1: scratch too, then cultivating over your next tour dates and
Speaker 1: really like fine tuning that. Yeah. Yeah, so I love it,
Speaker 1: and I'm really glad and people are excited about the
Speaker 1: tour and that makes me so happy. Yeah, so out
Speaker 1: they need to laugh. Yeah, it's a good time to
Speaker 1: be doing it, exactly. Rum Well, speaking of timing, you
Speaker 1: wrapped up your thirty days of no smoking cannabis, Yes,
Speaker 1: I did. And what were your takeaways? Okay, that's a
Speaker 1: good question. I think that I mean obvious takeaways. I
Speaker 1: don't have to clear my throat as much. What's important
Speaker 1: when you're smoking weed is to be smoking really organic
Speaker 1: weed that isn't doesn't have pesticides and chemicals that so
Speaker 1: many of them do that you buy. So it's like
Speaker 1: you have to have a friend who, like my friend
Speaker 1: sends me weed. So I just try now to smoke
Speaker 1: it off of that one hitter, because anytime I smoke
Speaker 1: a pre roll it's just like hurting my throat. And
Speaker 1: obviously I'm not going to be banging on about cannabis
Speaker 1: and then not getting all the good effects, you know.
Speaker 1: So I've been using my one hitter, which is great.
Speaker 1: But my takeaway from quitting is that it's good to
Speaker 1: exercise your willpower in life. It's good too, that sounded
Speaker 1: so annoying. It's good to show yourself what you're capable of.
Speaker 1: You know, thirty days was nothing. Even though it sounded
Speaker 1: like it was going to be something, it wasn't. And
Speaker 1: it gave me a lot of hope for people who
Speaker 1: think that it's hard to break habits, because it's really not.
Speaker 1: Because I have to say, like, I do love smoking joints,
Speaker 1: but now that I took the thirty days off, it's
Speaker 1: like I don't love it as much as I thought
Speaker 1: I did. Don't care. I'll take an edible. You know.
Speaker 1: That's a nice feeling too. Should we see how Shane
Speaker 1: felt about it? Oh? Yeah, speaking of which, this is
Speaker 1: why we're talking about this for anyone listening who maybe
Speaker 1: hasn't listened to that episode. Shane went on a thirty
Speaker 1: day canvas detox with Chelsea, so they went cold turkey
Speaker 1: after the initial phone call, no smoking for one month,
Speaker 1: and now they have both completed that month. So let's
Speaker 1: see how that went for him. Yeah, Hey, Shane, Hey,
Speaker 1: how's it going. Hi? Se, Nice to see you again. Hi,
Speaker 1: nice to see you again. How are you? We made it?
Speaker 1: We did it, We did it. High five. I'm so
Speaker 1: proud of us. I know, I know. How was it?
Speaker 1: The first week was kind of rough, like I had
Speaker 1: no appetite at all, but it got pretty easy after that. Okay,
Speaker 1: so for any women who are looking to lose weight, um,
Speaker 1: and you're a pothead, take a week off and you'll
Speaker 1: have no appetite. You know, it's funny you say that.
Speaker 1: I totally felt that too. I was like, why do
Speaker 1: I not feel the need to be living with my
Speaker 1: head inside of my refrigerator? Yeah? I was not hungry
Speaker 1: like at all. Yeah, and then what what about it?
Speaker 1: What about cravings? I didn't really have cravings. The first
Speaker 1: week was bad and then like it was chilled sailing
Speaker 1: after that. Other than like slow drivers and irritating people.
Speaker 1: Oh right, people became a little bit more irritating. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 1: How did you manage your stress while you weren't smoking?
Speaker 1: I went running a lot? Oh this is this is
Speaker 1: great trading habits. Yeah totally. I did like thirty plus miles.
Speaker 1: I wanted to do at least one mile for like
Speaker 1: every day. But did you run that much when you
Speaker 1: were smoking weed? I tried to, but I think I
Speaker 1: did it more when I was less stoned. Yeah, well
Speaker 1: that makes sense probably, although I bet you when your
Speaker 1: stone you couldn't get into a really good groove when
Speaker 1: you're running right, and then just like you turned into
Speaker 1: Forrest Gump before you know it, you get that natural
Speaker 1: running high and the actual high. Yeah yeah, because sometimes
Speaker 1: I work out and I smoke weed right before I
Speaker 1: work out, and I get in the zone like it
Speaker 1: helps me. Yeah totally. So how was it with your
Speaker 1: roommates because they were all still smoking weed? Right? Um.
Speaker 1: One of them actually just kept that to their room,
Speaker 1: so I think, so I didn't have to see any
Speaker 1: of it. That's nice to them. The other one went
Speaker 1: on a break with me, so it was I had
Speaker 1: a little buddy. This is like a huge success. Store
Speaker 1: is great? And how were things with work? I know
Speaker 1: you said that you would you would forget things, You'd
Speaker 1: constantly be leaving stuff behind. I forgot absolutely nothing the
Speaker 1: entire time. However, as soon as I started smoking again,
Speaker 1: I did forget something, Shane, how old you? I just
Speaker 1: turned thirty one on Friday? Okay, happy birthday? Thank yeah? Yeah,
Speaker 1: happy birthday. So that's great. And did you at any
Speaker 1: point think about, like, funk this. I cannot keep up
Speaker 1: with this and I'm just going to smoke a joy
Speaker 1: and pretend and lie about it because I did so.
Speaker 1: I wanted to wait until like midnight of the actual
Speaker 1: day that I could start smoking again, but I hit
Speaker 1: the pen three hours earlier, and I got so paranoid
Speaker 1: that everyone in my house gonna know I cheated, and
Speaker 1: though I was high that I like had it a
Speaker 1: little mini panic attacks. Oh that's the story I didn't
Speaker 1: tell the first time I smoked a joint after my
Speaker 1: thirty day thing, my thirty day break. Did I make
Speaker 1: it to thirty days though? Did? Only you can answer.
Speaker 1: I think I did a full menstrual cycle. So let's
Speaker 1: just say it was twenty eight days, because I think
Speaker 1: I did do a day early. If I'm going to
Speaker 1: be completely honest, which I have to be. But I
Speaker 1: was getting my hair done and I smoked a little
Speaker 1: bit of a dog walker and I got up. I
Speaker 1: was so lightheaded, and I just was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm a weakling again. But I like it because I
Speaker 1: liked to you know, it's nice to have a low tolerance.
Speaker 1: I mean, it wasn't nice to be lightheaded and then
Speaker 1: you know, fall, But other than that, it was fine. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I Also, I was so sober that I told my
Speaker 1: parents that I'm trans. I didn't do that for like
Speaker 1: eight years. I kept it to myself. So that happened
Speaker 1: all thanks to being sober. Oh my god, my god.
Speaker 1: Everyone was pretty chill other than my mom. What was
Speaker 1: her reaction? How did you say it? What did you say? So?
Speaker 1: I was at my parents house and they started talking
Speaker 1: shit about the like trans athlete Van, and I was like, well,
Speaker 1: now I'm gonna come out out of spite. So as
Speaker 1: soon as I got home, I sent a group text
Speaker 1: message to like my siblings and my parents, and my
Speaker 1: mom didn't respond for like three days, but everybody else
Speaker 1: was super nice. What were their responses? I think they
Speaker 1: support me and they love me. But what can you
Speaker 1: tell us? What you wrote? Oh, it was a long
Speaker 1: ass text message, but basically that I've been transitioning for
Speaker 1: eight years. Didn't feel like telling any family because I
Speaker 1: didn't want to deal with their like negative opinions. Wow,
Speaker 1: good for you. That's so fucking hard and brave. How
Speaker 1: do you feel now for Leaves? Yeah, a lot of relief.
Speaker 1: I don't have to hide anything or ever shave my
Speaker 1: face ever. Again, that's what I would do when I
Speaker 1: would go see them. I just shade. It's very powerful though, too,
Speaker 1: that you know, you've kind of made this bold decision
Speaker 1: to get out of your comfort zone and stop smoking
Speaker 1: something it you've relied on for a long time, and
Speaker 1: out of that came something like totally unexpected. Yeah. I
Speaker 1: think that I was stoned all the time, and that's
Speaker 1: what kept me from coming out. Whenever I was uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: I just smoke. Yeah, I think, well, that's what a
Speaker 1: lot of people do instead of thinking about it as
Speaker 1: something that enhances the goodness you're thinking about is something
Speaker 1: that kind of shoves a feeling away or something you know, Yeah,
Speaker 1: a distractor. This is incredible. I'm so glad that you
Speaker 1: called in like when you did. And I hope you
Speaker 1: consider because it sounds to me that this has had
Speaker 1: such an impact, Like look at the ripple effect of
Speaker 1: you making just like one strong decision about your well being.
Speaker 1: Look at the ripple effect that it's had. And I
Speaker 1: hope you can think about that in other ways, like
Speaker 1: in your life that you can implement that, you know, Yeah, totally.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna try not to smoke during the week while
Speaker 1: I'm at work so I don't forget anything. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: well that's good. Let's let's keep you too that that's
Speaker 1: a good one. And then way that way when you
Speaker 1: have the week and it's actually a celebration not just
Speaker 1: another day where you're stone out of your mind, you know, Yeah, totally.
Speaker 1: We'll keep us post a chain, let us know how
Speaker 1: it goes if you stick to your weekend regiment of
Speaker 1: no smoking, so it becomes more of a treat, and
Speaker 1: how things develop with your family and kind of how
Speaker 1: things turn out with your mom, all right, and she'll
Speaker 1: see I'll see you when you come to San Jose.
Speaker 1: Got presale tickets at San Jose Civic Center, Right, I'll
Speaker 1: be there too, see you there. Yeah, see you there
Speaker 1: by Shane. By Shane. Well, I mean, if that's not
Speaker 1: a problem solved, oh my god. Wow, that's like, what's
Speaker 1: our track record here? I don't know, but that's really moving.
Speaker 1: He has hit his life out of the park in
Speaker 1: a thirty day period. He has made major changes. I mean, wow,
Speaker 1: I'm very I'm speechless. Good for him. Okay, So, okay,
Speaker 1: I think we should take it. I think we should.
Speaker 1: You know what, I'm going to take a shower. Let's
Speaker 1: take a break. Okay, I'm bad. Are you done chewing? Sweetheart?
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm never going to finish that protein bar.
Speaker 1: It's gonna set my teeth through the next set. Flavor
Speaker 1: of that protein bar is a little bit off kilter.
Speaker 1: I don't like berry protein bars. Something protein about berries? Okay, sweetheart,
Speaker 1: what were we talking about? Well, our first mission, we're
Speaker 1: going to get right into it. Okay, let's do that.
Speaker 1: It comes from ready to get to work. Comes from
Speaker 1: a man. Dear Chelsea, my boyfriend of fourteen years for
Speaker 1: the past year has not really been interested in sex,
Speaker 1: at least not the way he used to be. He's
Speaker 1: forty two and I'm fifty four. When we do have sex,
Speaker 1: I notice that he's quite literally fucking differently. There's a
Speaker 1: whole different energy and vibe, like he's learning something from
Speaker 1: someone and it's not me. The sex is great, but infrequent.
Speaker 1: I can't stop thinking that while we're having sex, where
Speaker 1: did that come from? Should I be worried? Should I
Speaker 1: just assume he's watching an extra helping of porn and
Speaker 1: picking up tips? Is he cheating? We're two gay guys
Speaker 1: in our relationship has been monogamous. Is it still? What
Speaker 1: do you think? No, it doesn't sound like it sounds
Speaker 1: to me like something is definitely going on. What do
Speaker 1: you think after that long? You know your partner's habits,
Speaker 1: you know their go to tricks to get things going,
Speaker 1: So if a new trick has been incorporated, they're probably
Speaker 1: getting it somewhere else. Yeah. Yeah, do we have this
Speaker 1: caller on the phone? Probably because it's personal, there's okay?
Speaker 1: So what advice can we give them? Though? To like
Speaker 1: what I mean? I think you need to address it
Speaker 1: head on. I think that you need to. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: you know how people are. They're not always honest. Well
Speaker 1: they may not be honest, but for your own mental
Speaker 1: well being, I would I would say, hey, like you've
Speaker 1: done this this way. I'm just thinking, is there a
Speaker 1: way for them to set up keep getting catching them
Speaker 1: in the act. That might be a more effective way
Speaker 1: of getting to the truth faster. I feel like that
Speaker 1: it's tricky and long term relationships. Do you need some help?
Speaker 1: I don't know, sweetheart. I'm like, it's like I'm in
Speaker 1: wearing a carpenter's outfit. I can't get anything. Oh, your
Speaker 1: little sleeves got tangled up in there. Thanks Sweeter. Yeah there,
Speaker 1: now you look like Popeye on that side. You have
Speaker 1: this huge bicep. I wish everyone could see this. That's
Speaker 1: so rescute. Those from Aviator Nation, Okay they're not a sponsor,
Speaker 1: but they could be. So. Yeah, after fourteenyears, I think
Speaker 1: trying to set your partner up to catch them doing something,
Speaker 1: or to set yourself up in a way that you
Speaker 1: catch them doing something. If there's that little trust in
Speaker 1: the relationship after fourteen years, then you probably shouldn't be
Speaker 1: in that relationship. That's a good point, but I think
Speaker 1: it's just quicker with people who are liars. The quickest
Speaker 1: thing is just as Yeah, but a lot of liars
Speaker 1: don't tell the truth. They lie again and then it
Speaker 1: convince you that you're safe or that you're're not there.
Speaker 1: You know, you're crazy, you're out of your mind. Yeah, Gaslight,
Speaker 1: you exactly. I had a boyfriend like that once you
Speaker 1: did that, And I also was I deserve to be
Speaker 1: Gaslight because I wasn't in a good place at that time.
Speaker 1: But it's super jealous, and I always like looking and
Speaker 1: thinking something was happening, and it's like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: that's such an exhausting place to live. It's it's so unfair.
Speaker 1: So yes, obviously asking for the truth straight out is
Speaker 1: the way to go, but be prepared to have to
Speaker 1: get creative. Well, this submission makes me think that they
Speaker 1: probably don't have open communication as it is, because if
Speaker 1: he's writing it, if he's asking us, why are his
Speaker 1: boyfriend got his new moves and hasn't asked his boyfriend well,
Speaker 1: and like you know, do you watch porn together? There
Speaker 1: are a lot of There are a lot of aspects
Speaker 1: to this that without additional context, we can't give thorough advice.
Speaker 1: But I would say ask him up front, if not,
Speaker 1: take Chelsea's approach and try and set him up or
Speaker 1: just grab his phone. I mean, isn't that the quickest
Speaker 1: way to find shit out. Seriously, like everyone should just
Speaker 1: hand each other their phones and be like here, here, here,
Speaker 1: unless you're hiding something, right, I mean, especially because how
Speaker 1: many stories you have to hear about women. And also
Speaker 1: that's the other thing. If you're looking for something, you
Speaker 1: usually find it, but you can also find something that's
Speaker 1: out of context or that isn't actually framing something in
Speaker 1: the way that you're finding it. So again, if you
Speaker 1: do that, great, and if you find something, just be
Speaker 1: aware that that might be the outcome that what you're
Speaker 1: what you're seeing is not actually what you're finding. And
Speaker 1: their boyfriend was fifty two, right, so there's definitely like
Speaker 1: in the throws of being horny. Yeah, I mean, I
Speaker 1: don't think men are ever not horny. Well, right, women
Speaker 1: are the ones that are not horny. He's forty two,
Speaker 1: the boyfriend is fifty four. So also who knows, Like
Speaker 1: maybe he's going through a little midlife crisis and he's
Speaker 1: just trying to incorporate new things to keep it fresh
Speaker 1: for himself to feel that vibrance again, who knows, don't
Speaker 1: don't say vibrants like that her vescence, but not vibrant youth. Yeah,
Speaker 1: probably it's hard to be gay. It's the worst. Well
Speaker 1: I don't think we really tied a bow on for
Speaker 1: this one too nicely. But well, sometimes this advice isn't
Speaker 1: going to be uplifting. I would like to know what
Speaker 1: happened to this, So if you're listening, pleaset's let us
Speaker 1: know what the result is. He's better be listening. I mean,
Speaker 1: you can't write into a show and then not listen
Speaker 1: to see if we address the issue. Plus he doesn't
Speaker 1: really want the advice. It's like actually, and then he
Speaker 1: cuts off contacts. Yeah, he unsubscribes to thank you, not
Speaker 1: from these fucking two. Okay, so our next emission. This
Speaker 1: is a really common theme that we get people wanting
Speaker 1: to know if they should pull the trigger on this
Speaker 1: decision moving to another city, going after a big dream,
Speaker 1: And it always comes down too should I stay or
Speaker 1: should I go? And this submission is no different. So
Speaker 1: maybe we can give some overarching advice for anyone who
Speaker 1: has written in or is thinking about writing in. The
Speaker 1: submission says dear Chelsea. I'm a forty nine year old
Speaker 1: married woman with no kids who has been in the
Speaker 1: same career for twenty eight years. Dental assisting has been
Speaker 1: good to me, but now I want a complete change.
Speaker 1: I lost my dad in December, not to COVID, but
Speaker 1: had to say goodbye over the phone since I couldn't
Speaker 1: see him. It's changed me and I don't want to
Speaker 1: waste another goddamn day doing something that's killing me mentally.
Speaker 1: I want to become a nail technician. Yes you heard
Speaker 1: me right, probably the oldest in my class. And I
Speaker 1: know it will take time to build a business, costs
Speaker 1: money and time, and I'm scared. I have a job
Speaker 1: now that is study and reliable. I'm at a crossroads.
Speaker 1: Stay at this job that's study or build a business
Speaker 1: slowly that could give me freedom and a chance to
Speaker 1: be my own boss. I'm terrified that I'll fail and
Speaker 1: have to rely on my spouse instead of the financial
Speaker 1: independence I have now. Okay, Chelsea, give it to me straight.
Speaker 1: What should I do? Aaron, move on from your job
Speaker 1: and take a chance and build a business and live
Speaker 1: your life and when when. Don't live out of fear,
Speaker 1: don't base decisions out of fear. Don't think what if
Speaker 1: this doesn't work. There's only one scenario, and the scenario
Speaker 1: is that it's going to work. So you're perfectly capable
Speaker 1: of doing this. You've admitted you want to make the change,
Speaker 1: do it, no questions asked. That's it seems to be
Speaker 1: thematically that a lot of people are already have already
Speaker 1: made the decision that they're going to make, but they
Speaker 1: just need like us to chime in and give them
Speaker 1: a go ahead, right, like a little nudge. And that's good.
Speaker 1: I want you guys to treat us like your sisters
Speaker 1: or girlfriends or whatever. Well you're not a girlfriend, but
Speaker 1: and yeah, most people want to make a decision. When
Speaker 1: I can't make a decision, I like survey it, like
Speaker 1: to my group of like six closest people, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: what do you think about this? What do you think
Speaker 1: about this? What do you think about this? What do
Speaker 1: you think? And you know, actually, the less you do that,
Speaker 1: the better you are at recognizing your intuition and your gut.
Speaker 1: Well that's what you're great with. You go with your
Speaker 1: gut a lot, and it normally doesn't point you in
Speaker 1: the wrong direction. So when you have that inkling of
Speaker 1: what you want to do, it's just a matter of
Speaker 1: And also the other thing is making the decision. Just
Speaker 1: making a decision because there's not a wrong or right
Speaker 1: decision for everything. Most of the times, it's just about
Speaker 1: you making a decision in either direction and then putting
Speaker 1: your energy towards that decision, and then it will always
Speaker 1: work out, you know. So you just have to be
Speaker 1: confident in your decision making and no one to listen
Speaker 1: to your gut, which is all the time, and to
Speaker 1: all listeners. If you're asking the question, you're answering the question, right,
Speaker 1: don't you think? So? Great slogan? Print those up on
Speaker 1: our T shirts. We should have t shirts. The next
Speaker 1: one we do have on the line. Her name is Katie.
Speaker 1: She's thirty seven. She's from Maryland. Katie says, Hello, Chelsea.
Speaker 1: I'm a single, childless, thirty seven year old woman who
Speaker 1: is somewhat successful, but constantly feels I'm being judged. How
Speaker 1: do I help myself feel fulfilled on my own? I'm
Speaker 1: a rather confident woman, strong and enjoy eating at my
Speaker 1: favorite restaurants alone. I question whether I'm too independent to
Speaker 1: find love and then get more mad at my self
Speaker 1: for thinking archaically. I know there is an increasing population
Speaker 1: of women and men who could use this advice. Thanks Katie,
Speaker 1: what do you think The bottom line question is how
Speaker 1: how do I? I I mean, I think it's really just
Speaker 1: learning to be okay with yourself and where you're at. Yes,
Speaker 1: I think I can relate though to that. Like I
Speaker 1: go through periods where I like, you're mad at yourself
Speaker 1: for having a feeling, or you're mad at yourself for
Speaker 1: doing this, or you're mad at yourself, and it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: she's on the phone, Katie, Hi, Katie, Hi, How you
Speaker 1: doing good? How are you good? We're just saying I
Speaker 1: was saying, like I can relate to the self loathing
Speaker 1: and to the like kind of beating yourself up, like
Speaker 1: you know, why didn't I do this? Or or being
Speaker 1: embarrassed of past behavior or like you know, especially since
Speaker 1: I've been home from Whistler, like I feel like, uh
Speaker 1: not an isolationist. What's the person who stays home all
Speaker 1: the time of recluse? Yeah, you say recluse, I say recluse.
Speaker 1: You do think about your own behavior and stuff, and
Speaker 1: obviously beating yourself up about your own feelings is pointless
Speaker 1: task and just creates suffering of your own ego all
Speaker 1: the time. So I when I do that, I just
Speaker 1: always try to this is gonna sound very corny, but
Speaker 1: this is really true and it works as a practice
Speaker 1: when I do that, and I'm like thinking about myself
Speaker 1: too much or being too self conscious about what I
Speaker 1: really like and want to do and how I feel.
Speaker 1: I really I already prominent was going to say we
Speaker 1: had such a strong lead up, and then I'm like, wait,
Speaker 1: what this is why you don't smoke a joint right
Speaker 1: before we get here? Ran, I'm sober by now, I
Speaker 1: don't have to even feel that joint. I'm sorry that
Speaker 1: you're bearing the broad starting to feel like you are okay.
Speaker 1: So my practice, Katie is too really to just shift
Speaker 1: from from that to the present moment to be mindful
Speaker 1: of like every moment that you're in. The more present
Speaker 1: and a where you are leads to the next moment
Speaker 1: of presence and awareness, and the more present and aware
Speaker 1: you practice becoming, the less self conscious you are about
Speaker 1: judging yourself or berating yourself or any sort of self loathing,
Speaker 1: because you know, like I think of it like this,
Speaker 1: like if I start talking to mysel off in that way,
Speaker 1: I'm bringing my energy down, I'm bringing my vibe down.
Speaker 1: I'm not attracting a lot. I'm kind of my eyes
Speaker 1: are watering a little bit. Are you crying? Are you crying? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I think I'm I'm getting there. Oh, when it's just
Speaker 1: a very real thing of like, how do you defeat
Speaker 1: that and not not feel like beat myself up over
Speaker 1: things that are out of my control? I guess yeah, Well,
Speaker 1: I think it's just that it's like repeating that to you, like,
Speaker 1: you know, wasting your time on your self, critique that
Speaker 1: is suffering. You are suffering, suffering, suffering. We do it
Speaker 1: with our bodies, we do it with the way we look.
Speaker 1: I'm very vain about all of that stuff. I suffer
Speaker 1: a lot in that regard, but I do practice being
Speaker 1: present because when you're really present in every moment and
Speaker 1: you're paying attention, like in this conversation, in this moment,
Speaker 1: I don't have time to think about anything else, like
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, I'm not thinking about that.
Speaker 1: And even if you're in your apartment and it's just
Speaker 1: you and you have your thoughts, it's like, Okay, now
Speaker 1: I can feel like this for a moment, and then
Speaker 1: I'm moving on to the next thing, not denying the feeling,
Speaker 1: but knowing it's not healthy for you, Okay, And practicing
Speaker 1: just present moment awareness, which is like there's a million
Speaker 1: books on present moment awareness or mindfulness or whatever you
Speaker 1: want to call it. Vaginal rejuvenation. I mean, it can
Speaker 1: be referred to as a lot of things, but it
Speaker 1: makes you much less filled with self doubt and less
Speaker 1: self conscious. Well, and I think to your point in
Speaker 1: that regard, like Katie, you bring up the things that
Speaker 1: are out of your control is what you feel like
Speaker 1: you are criticizing yourself over. And the one thing that
Speaker 1: you do have control over is how you respond to
Speaker 1: those things. So again, change that narrative for yourself. Don't
Speaker 1: worry about what you're not able to control. What you
Speaker 1: do control is how you feel you. You do control
Speaker 1: your success. You do control the fact that you are
Speaker 1: confident enough to go have a solo dinner and be happy. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's cool, Like that's confident and I like that. I
Speaker 1: like to do stuff like that too. Do you know
Speaker 1: how many people can't do that? That they would not
Speaker 1: have the balls to walk into us or go see
Speaker 1: a movie alone, Like, oh, that's one of my favorite things.
Speaker 1: Like that is that is something that's like so hot
Speaker 1: about someone where they don't need anyone, like that think
Speaker 1: about that, don't think about what you don't have, think
Speaker 1: about like I can go do this like other people can't.
Speaker 1: Like I'm a fucking badass woman who does not need
Speaker 1: someone to fulfill these things for me. Yes, I know
Speaker 1: it's hard because mainstream media and mainstream media are just
Speaker 1: media media in general, and society continuously sets a standard
Speaker 1: for what a woman's life should be. And that's something
Speaker 1: that you see in every way that you no longer
Speaker 1: have to apply that to your life, Like that is
Speaker 1: a standard they're setting. That's not a standard you have
Speaker 1: to accept. Yeah, it's so true. It's like it's just
Speaker 1: a mindset. Are you taking notes on this call because
Speaker 1: you need to be writing this stuff down? No, because
Speaker 1: that's really good advice to all. Right, well this is
Speaker 1: going to be in the podcast, so you can always
Speaker 1: just but you need to listen back to the podcast.
Speaker 1: But you need to start implementing this to your life
Speaker 1: because it is about your confidence, right, It's about your
Speaker 1: belief in yourself that you are responsible for instilling. You
Speaker 1: have to believe in yourself, and so if you're constantly
Speaker 1: reminding yourself about all your good attributes and all your
Speaker 1: good qualities, which is a theme that's come up on
Speaker 1: the show now multiple times. It's like, you need to
Speaker 1: be reminded of the things that you do have, the
Speaker 1: things that you are good at, the things that are
Speaker 1: working for you. You know, looks like you have a
Speaker 1: beautiful apartment, you have a beautiful blowout, like you know,
Speaker 1: things are Yeah, exactly, you're ROCKINGNA, Like you have a
Speaker 1: lot of things to offer which I don't even know about.
Speaker 1: But you need to focus on those things to instill
Speaker 1: your own confidence, to build yourself up so that you're
Speaker 1: not worried about what other people are thinking. You know,
Speaker 1: you're worried about what you're thinking. What do I think
Speaker 1: of myself? Yeah, it seems so simple, but it is
Speaker 1: really like resetting my entire narrative, my entire mindset about
Speaker 1: how I process and think about things and internalize them too.
Speaker 1: You bring up in your submission about being judged and
Speaker 1: that that's you know, a big point of contention that
Speaker 1: you feel like people around you are judging either your
Speaker 1: circumstances or your decisions. But remember, like that's something about
Speaker 1: them that's not you. They're they're projecting what they think
Speaker 1: on you, So it doesn't matter good, bad, or indifferent,
Speaker 1: Like if you set yourself up in life to be
Speaker 1: happy with where you're at, it shouldn't matter what someone
Speaker 1: else thinks of your current circumstances, Like that's that has
Speaker 1: that is there as they go to bed with that,
Speaker 1: not you. Luckily, because you're you can put yourself in
Speaker 1: a good space where you don't have that mentality and
Speaker 1: you get to go to bed peacefully every night not
Speaker 1: giving a sh about what someone else is doing or
Speaker 1: how they're living their life, because you've created the life
Speaker 1: that you want for yourself. It's very true, sou those people. Yeah,
Speaker 1: why do you say you feel judged all the time?
Speaker 1: Is that something from like childhood or is that something
Speaker 1: that I think it's more so when I when I
Speaker 1: sent him my submission, it was the day after my
Speaker 1: thirty seventh birthday, and I think that had a lot
Speaker 1: to do with it too. It's kind of I feel
Speaker 1: like I should have I should be, you know, with
Speaker 1: a husband and kids or something at this point, and
Speaker 1: most of the people that I used to associate with,
Speaker 1: that's their life. So it's almost like breaking away from
Speaker 1: that and being comfortable if I don't end up married,
Speaker 1: if I don't end up with a child if I
Speaker 1: end up, you know, maybe on a farm with a
Speaker 1: woman who knows being comfortable with that stuff. I also
Speaker 1: came out more recently is buy So I think that's
Speaker 1: a whole other accepting things. Well. I like that you
Speaker 1: think being with a woman leads to farming. I mean
Speaker 1: it very well could. Yeah, it's another stereotype. But wouldn't
Speaker 1: you rather be the exception not the rule? Like those
Speaker 1: people in those nuclear families, they're fucking miserable. So again,
Speaker 1: create the life you want for yourself, Like, don't worry
Speaker 1: about what they have going on because they're going to
Speaker 1: end up divorce. Like your thirty seven you've not been
Speaker 1: through a divorce, which is great gratulations on that you're
Speaker 1: on your own. You've built a life without a man.
Speaker 1: You were able to afford everything that you've wanted to
Speaker 1: take care of yourself. Yeah, and that's the fucking win
Speaker 1: right there, Like, that's what you should be proud of
Speaker 1: that I've not needed anyone for this. So when I
Speaker 1: would like to say, I would like to go on
Speaker 1: the record and tell you I'm forty six single and
Speaker 1: do not have a man in my life, and I
Speaker 1: don't have any regrets about that. I mean, I know
Speaker 1: we're not the same person in but like there is
Speaker 1: a very unique kind of boldness about it that feels
Speaker 1: pretty powerful to have been able to do this whole
Speaker 1: life thing on my own and like be strong about it.
Speaker 1: And not that I'm against man. I mean it sounds
Speaker 1: like I am every time I talk about them. I'm not.
Speaker 1: I'm not, but I'm just I have standards and I'm
Speaker 1: not willing to compromise who I am at this point,
Speaker 1: and so that might mean that I'm alone for the
Speaker 1: rest of my life without a meaningful relationship so I
Speaker 1: can relate to you. You know, these are all constructs,
Speaker 1: societal constructs that are just telling us milestones and people's lives.
Speaker 1: I obviously respect everyone's decision to live their lives how
Speaker 1: they want to to a degree, but you're basically comparing
Speaker 1: yourself to a race that no one had agreed to.
Speaker 1: Everybody has to go through all of these milestones at
Speaker 1: the right amount of time, and it's just a societal
Speaker 1: construct that we've all allowed to happen. So we think, oh,
Speaker 1: what's you know, that's the It's a frame of reference.
Speaker 1: It's like life mile markers that you're supposed to hit.
Speaker 1: And it's also just like the lameness of people's ability
Speaker 1: not to have an original conversation when they're like, oh,
Speaker 1: what's up with Melissa? You know, she's not married, she's
Speaker 1: still single, or what Chelsea ever be with somebody? I
Speaker 1: don't know. But it's really not anybody's fucking problem, right,
Speaker 1: but your own. And it's only a problem for you.
Speaker 1: If it is a problem for you, it sounds more
Speaker 1: to me like you're worried more about what other people
Speaker 1: think than what you think. Yeah, well, and be excited,
Speaker 1: like do you know how many more possibilities you have
Speaker 1: now that you can date men and women? Like what
Speaker 1: what I got to open up that hand of warm
Speaker 1: soon and become a lesbian or become by actually just
Speaker 1: become open to the possibility like that. I will be.
Speaker 1: I guess I will be, because you're right again, it's
Speaker 1: not about what you don't have, it's about what you
Speaker 1: do have on the horizon, Like you're going to have
Speaker 1: some hot lesbian lover possibly, so like, let's let's be
Speaker 1: excited about that. Okay. Yeah, well, I really appreciate you guys,
Speaker 1: and I love your energy too. I think that's part
Speaker 1: of it, like fucking positivity and that's the new narrative.
Speaker 1: Just a reset that I need to Yeah, you just
Speaker 1: need a quick reset. So just like write some things down,
Speaker 1: like some positive things, things that you can like remember
Speaker 1: about yourself. Make sure it's visible. Just start on your
Speaker 1: most fundamental level of like telling yourself that you're important
Speaker 1: and what you think matters more than what others think. Okay,
Speaker 1: all right, nice to talk to you, Okatie, talk to
Speaker 1: you as well, Katie with a c is it Katie?
Speaker 1: Are we pronouncing that correctly? You are? What is it, Harriet?
Speaker 1: Exactly what I was getting at. It's a mean girls reference.
Speaker 1: Wouldn't sorry, I'm sorry you let us know if you
Speaker 1: do find a girlfriend, I would like to like to
Speaker 1: hear about that. Please, yes, all right, thank you, Katie.
Speaker 1: She was cute. Yeah, I liked her, liked her enough
Speaker 1: to data when that time comes. Well, I mean, god,
Speaker 1: I know, I just feel like, yeah, that's just right
Speaker 1: around the corner from me transitioning into let's or a
Speaker 1: bisexual person. Well it's not really, well, it is a
Speaker 1: transition metaphorically. I think it could happen for you. I
Speaker 1: think maybe it should happen because sounds like me, a
Speaker 1: woman would annoy you less. Possibly, Yeah, there's just so
Speaker 1: many different ways to be annoying. That was the thing,
Speaker 1: you know, That's what I worry about. Yeah, and this
Speaker 1: would be well, we won't get into the specifics of
Speaker 1: the sexual dynamic, but I imagine there would have to
Speaker 1: be a tap out for you at a certain points
Speaker 1: sextually be like okay, thank you so much. That that
Speaker 1: goes for men and women. So there's yeah, I need
Speaker 1: to tap out safe word. Okay, Brandon, would you like
Speaker 1: to take a bath? I could. Okay, Well we're going
Speaker 1: to take a quick break, so let me run you
Speaker 1: a bath. Our next and last omission comes from initials
Speaker 1: j K thirty nine, advice she's gotten in a lot
Speaker 1: of like, well, this is probably her what situations lately?
Speaker 1: She says, dear hand job, I'm thirty nine. I got
Speaker 1: married in my twenties to a doctor and divorced him
Speaker 1: for a drummer. My parents are very proud. I'm sure
Speaker 1: they are. I'm uninterested in marriage and feel fine with that.
Speaker 1: Still with the drummer after ten years. We have always
Speaker 1: lived apart and it's a fun relationship where I have
Speaker 1: lots of time to focus on my career during the week,
Speaker 1: and then we hang out on the weekends and playing
Speaker 1: a band together. He has kids from a previous marriage,
Speaker 1: and several years into our relationship he told me he
Speaker 1: didn't want any more kids. Understandable, but this was initially
Speaker 1: something that made me feel deep grief. Even though if
Speaker 1: given the choice, I have trouble visualizing my life with
Speaker 1: kids because I like my freedom. Plus I enjoy not
Speaker 1: being broke, and kids would interfere with this. Yet sometimes
Speaker 1: I see myself as having quote unquote settled, like I
Speaker 1: should have picked up and left when my boyfriend said
Speaker 1: he didn't want kids, when I am otherwise happy in
Speaker 1: our relationship. My question is, why do I keep ruminating
Speaker 1: on the fact that I don't have kids and feeling
Speaker 1: like a total weirdo for it? Is this a midlife
Speaker 1: crisis or just an antiquated sexist idea that has gotten
Speaker 1: stuck in my head about what it means to be
Speaker 1: a grown woman. What do you think I think she
Speaker 1: should just let go of the idea of kids and
Speaker 1: stop forcing it again. Societal pressure, societal standards. You're happy,
Speaker 1: everything's good in your life, and you're just going to
Speaker 1: complicate things by yeah, you're thinking what if? What if?
Speaker 1: What if you have to go with the fact that
Speaker 1: you're not having kids and it's going to be a
Speaker 1: great life. It's sad to see how many of these
Speaker 1: women feel like they need kids to fulfill something in them. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know it. So it's a real it's like drinking
Speaker 1: the kool aid, Like it's so unfair. This is a
Speaker 1: conversation I have with all of my sisters really regularly, actually,
Speaker 1: because yeah, because in the Midwest, your life is on
Speaker 1: a certain timeline of you know, you graduate high school,
Speaker 1: you either go to a trade school or you start
Speaker 1: working immediately, you have kids by twenty three or twenty five,
Speaker 1: you're married, like it's just and so I always tell
Speaker 1: my sisters, like, you can't live for your kids. They
Speaker 1: have to be incorporated to your life because eventually they're gone. So,
Speaker 1: you know, people have kids to try and fix a marriage,
Speaker 1: or they have kids because it's what's expected of them.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, life has so much more talk. And
Speaker 1: it's also like you're allowing somebody else to dictate what
Speaker 1: is your true happiness. You know, if you really wanted
Speaker 1: kids that badly, you wouldn't be you with your boyfriend,
Speaker 1: you would have left him at that moment if you
Speaker 1: really really, if it was like everything to you, you
Speaker 1: would have worked harder to make it happen. So you
Speaker 1: can accept that it's not for you and that you're
Speaker 1: not going to make it happen, and it's so easy
Speaker 1: and enjoy yourself. It's so easily identifiable with some of
Speaker 1: these women that just had the kids because it was
Speaker 1: what they thought was expected of them and should not
Speaker 1: and fucking hate being a mom. I'm thinking of one
Speaker 1: of your friends in particular. It's like you were not
Speaker 1: made to be a mom. And that's okay. Again, that's
Speaker 1: something that women have. That's great because a lot of
Speaker 1: women don't. And then you see what happens. They just
Speaker 1: get up and leave, they disappear. It's like I should
Speaker 1: not have done this. Well, too little, too late, Yeah
Speaker 1: you have the kids, Yeah, too little, too late. I've
Speaker 1: definitely seen a lot of people have kids, not a lot,
Speaker 1: but I've had my fair share of friends that have
Speaker 1: had kids that are like, not good at it and
Speaker 1: not happy about it now. And then there are some
Speaker 1: people that, again, like I think we've talked about this,
Speaker 1: that you knew that exactly what they wanted that it
Speaker 1: didn't have anything to do with anyone else. And they're
Speaker 1: a great parents. They love it. That's exactly how they
Speaker 1: want to spend their time. I can't imagine that. Speaking
Speaker 1: of kids, there's about sixteen thoud kids at the border
Speaker 1: that need foster home. So if anybody's thinking about fostering,
Speaker 1: we should give them the resources to register as a
Speaker 1: foster parent. Well, it's great to know. And yeah, if
Speaker 1: you have a house or bed, these kids have nowhere
Speaker 1: else to go. So if you do want information on
Speaker 1: how you can foster a child who is stuck at
Speaker 1: the border, you can go to the Lutheran Immigration and
Speaker 1: Refugee Services at l i r S dot org. L
Speaker 1: i r S dot org find out more. And on
Speaker 1: that upbeat note, I think we've come to a conclusion.
Speaker 1: Do you have any parting words of advice for all
Speaker 1: of our colors? What would you say the theme was
Speaker 1: of today's episode really just for the women listening, Well,
Speaker 1: I guess men too, but just be okay with where
Speaker 1: you're at, Like you don't let anyone else influence how
Speaker 1: you feel about what you're going through, what you've been through,
Speaker 1: what you're going to go through inevitably, like it's all okay,
Speaker 1: it's all in motion, it's all changing. Yeah, it's all
Speaker 1: cyclical too, so like you also, something to remember is like,
Speaker 1: you know, if you're in a bad frame of mind,
Speaker 1: or if you're feeling down or you're feeling depressed, Like,
Speaker 1: that's cyclical too. It comes in waves and ebbs and
Speaker 1: flows and like, so no mood is permanent. So like
Speaker 1: the impermanence of everything is a good reminder of Like
Speaker 1: things don't stick around forever. You're not going to feel
Speaker 1: this way forever. You're not going to be insecure forever.
Speaker 1: Like things move. Do you have one piece of advice? So, say,
Speaker 1: someone who's listening is feeling that way right now, what
Speaker 1: is your best at us to get them out of
Speaker 1: that feeling in this moment? Like is there something you do?
Speaker 1: Is there something you would suggest that they try to do,
Speaker 1: like if they're down and they want to feel happier
Speaker 1: out of that melodramatic self loathing space. I mean, you know,
Speaker 1: I want to say, just go outside and take a
Speaker 1: walk in nature, exactly what I was gonna say. Yeah,
Speaker 1: go look at the trees and the greenery and just
Speaker 1: be like oh wow, wait, you know, get out of
Speaker 1: your own I think half of the problem is right now,
Speaker 1: especially during this time period, is that people are so isolated,
Speaker 1: so like you are thinking about yourself too much and
Speaker 1: you are having more thoughts than normal because you're stuck.
Speaker 1: So it's about being unstuck, and like that is up
Speaker 1: to you to get yourself out of being stuck. And
Speaker 1: that's like as easy as taking a walk in nature
Speaker 1: and like going for you know something, whatever is going
Speaker 1: to make you feel good in thirty minutes, do it,
Speaker 1: you know, and do it now. Get a peloton, and
Speaker 1: if you are someone you know needs advice, you can
Speaker 1: write in. We might get you on the phone for
Speaker 1: additional details or context, and you can do that by
Speaker 1: submitting your advice request to dear Chelsea Project at gmail
Speaker 1: dot com. Okay, I mean, we really did it today, sweetheart.
Speaker 1: We really really knocked it out of the park.