Speaker 1: Discipline over desire determines your destination, but perfection is not possible.
Speaker 2: Look at you. With all of these, I always keep
Speaker 2: favorite at my big age. I've realized that do people
Speaker 2: tend to mask procrastination as the pursuit of perfection?
Speaker 3: Hmm?
Speaker 2: I wonder.
Speaker 1: It all started with real talk, unfiltered, honest and straight
Speaker 1: from the heart. Since then, we've gone on to become
Speaker 1: Webby award winning podcasters in New York Times bestselling authors.
Speaker 2: That Ask was more than a podcast for us. It
Speaker 2: was about our growth, a place where we could be vulnerable.
Speaker 1: Be wraw urse, but most appointingly be us.
Speaker 2: But as we know, life keeps evolving and so do we,
Speaker 2: and through it all, one thing has never This is
Speaker 2: after because we got a lot to talk about.
Speaker 1: So storytime, I'm going to take you back to summer
Speaker 1: two thousand and three, some of two thousand. Yeah, this
Speaker 1: is over twenty years ago. This is when Kadeen and
Speaker 1: I had already been together for a year. But this
Speaker 1: is also my first off season as a college athlete,
Speaker 1: and I remember going into this offseason telling everybody I'm
Speaker 1: approved to them that I belong here. As a freshman,
Speaker 1: I didn't start I only played in two games. Both
Speaker 1: games I played and I scored touchdowns. I felt like
Speaker 1: I was a best receiver on the team, and because
Speaker 1: of that, I felt like I had to show everybody
Speaker 1: who I was. You know, I was the only receiver
Speaker 1: at the time that was a walk on and had
Speaker 1: to earn a scholarship other than me and Brian Woman.
Speaker 4: At the time.
Speaker 1: So I was just kind of tired of people like
Speaker 1: putting me with the walk on group. So I was like,
Speaker 1: I am going to be perfect in anything came to
Speaker 1: depth of routes, when it came to catching the ball,
Speaker 1: knowing all the plays, I wanted to be perfect. And
Speaker 1: you know what happened with my pursuit of perfection. I failed.
Speaker 1: My sophomore season at HAFTA was the worst year I
Speaker 1: ever played in football. And I'm explaining to you why
Speaker 1: since I was trying to do everything with the standard
Speaker 1: of perfection. If I was slightly off, I didn't accept it,
Speaker 1: which means I spent many days in a row never
Speaker 1: reaching a standard that I saw value in it myself,
Speaker 1: and I started to get depressed. And as I started
Speaker 1: to get depressed, it started to be like can I
Speaker 1: do this because I couldn't do it perfectly. I started
Speaker 1: to tell myself, Oh can I do this? Then I
Speaker 1: told myself, when I'm a sophomore, it's a sophomore slump.
Speaker 4: I'm supposed to go through this.
Speaker 1: So in chasing perfection and then not getting it, I
Speaker 1: then told myself I wasn't supposed to be here at
Speaker 1: this moment and accepted the failures and it was the
Speaker 1: worst thing that could ever happen to me. My sophomore year.
Speaker 2: I remember that time all right karaoke. So I figured
Speaker 2: perfection and people trying to do things their way to
Speaker 2: pursue their pursuit of perfection. It only made sense to
Speaker 2: sing I just like this song on My Way by
Speaker 2: us y'all. I had nothing to do or nothing, and
Speaker 2: I was like, oh, you're still on tour is see.
Speaker 2: I wish you would go back and do his residency
Speaker 2: because I was like the best one. I preferred the
Speaker 2: residency over the tour.
Speaker 1: I feel like the residency was more intimate. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: we're not going to keep over. You're supposed to sing
Speaker 1: my way.
Speaker 2: Will know you know I'm still getting better. You want
Speaker 2: to help me out, please, I got you.
Speaker 4: But whatever you need, I got way.
Speaker 2: My way. I'm in contrust that met me to get
Speaker 2: this funny.
Speaker 5: Why she's so fast.
Speaker 2: We never know the words, y'all, but y'all get the point,
Speaker 2: okay about.
Speaker 1: Doing things my way?
Speaker 6: Perfectionists, You are a perfectionists. Certainly am shout out to
Speaker 6: Josh for bringing up this topic, because my wife is
Speaker 6: a perfectionist and a lot of times she'll tell you
Speaker 6: that leads to her procrastinating and.
Speaker 2: Not getting done. Me and Josh kind of cut from
Speaker 2: the same cloth we've had.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, we are. I'm glad Matt staring right at
Speaker 4: you over there. You know who else is.
Speaker 1: Like that too? Trouble Trible is definitely the type that's like,
Speaker 1: if this ain't perfect, I'm not putting it out and
Speaker 1: it will never go out. We want to pay some bills,
Speaker 1: and we're gonna come back and attack these three. We're
Speaker 1: gonna we're gonna attack these We're going.
Speaker 2: To call to the front of the congregation.
Speaker 4: You're gonna attack all of us. Yes, this nigga doesn't
Speaker 4: live in a bubble just like us. Cat Oh we
Speaker 4: got I can't wait for this.
Speaker 2: Matt is hiding something that we don't know. That's the mystery.
Speaker 2: Of Matt. That's why Matt will invite us over. That's
Speaker 2: why Matt, guys. I'm just throwing it out there that
Speaker 2: Matt hasn't invited us over to his house. And he's
Speaker 2: lived here for two years, that is always here. But
Speaker 2: Matt says he doesn't invite people to his house. So
Speaker 2: we're just gonna pull up one of these days with
Speaker 2: all the kids and we're going to break in. And
Speaker 2: that's just what it is.
Speaker 4: We won't be just start cleaning the house.
Speaker 3: People on the way over.
Speaker 4: Look at that I want to start.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna change the door code. I'm not gonna let
Speaker 2: him in unless he lets me over one day, Matthew,
Speaker 2: So we're gonna come to the front of the congregation.
Speaker 4: But if she said you can't come in.
Speaker 2: Well, sometimes I'm looking for a place to send it out.
Speaker 2: And where am I gonna send him?
Speaker 1: I say, you see, this is why I take the
Speaker 1: cookies when I get the biggest.
Speaker 2: I mean, hey, it's a fair trade away. It's a
Speaker 2: fair trade off.
Speaker 1: I think if they would have saw you by that address,
Speaker 1: they would understand why you be trying to get rid
Speaker 1: of me?
Speaker 2: All right, I understand. I'll stand up for you again
Speaker 2: later and then.
Speaker 1: Stand up for you again. Trust me. You know what, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying that I would stop playing with.
Speaker 2: Twenty three years.
Speaker 4: Can we just go pay these bills?
Speaker 2: I would know better. Let's pay some bills, y'all. We'll
Speaker 2: come back. Stick around for the snailigans. All right, We're back,
Speaker 2: all right, Time for op or no op, take it away,
Speaker 2: triple all right.
Speaker 5: This month is Father's Day.
Speaker 4: Shout out to all the father's baby to the two fathers.
Speaker 3: On the cast.
Speaker 2: Amazing thing. Never want to do this life without, y'all.
Speaker 7: Yeah, big up to the guys who don't want to
Speaker 7: be fathers because they've got some male birth control coming out,
Speaker 7: but they do.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's an injection.
Speaker 7: It's some type of like jail that they inject into
Speaker 7: the like semen ducks, sperm ducks, so that sperm doesn't
Speaker 7: mix with the semen when it comes out here.
Speaker 1: They injected directly into the sack.
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's a I think it's an implant.
Speaker 2: Oh, kind of like when women have like the the
Speaker 2: implant that goes under the skin. Yeah, so this just
Speaker 2: goes into the scrollum into that.
Speaker 7: Yeah, but I think it's just a jail and its
Speaker 7: it says it's a water soluble hydrogel gel that's inserted
Speaker 7: into the sperm ducks so the sperm doesn't mix with
Speaker 7: the semen and they it said it it lasts for
Speaker 7: two years.
Speaker 4: Oh, Josh said, he got out. This goes against all
Speaker 4: that we stand for. I just want to say that first,
Speaker 4: men or people men, Okay, Right, So my opinion in
Speaker 4: general is women have been injecting stuff into them. Sorry,
Speaker 4: women have been injecting things into them like forever or
Speaker 4: placing things inside of them for the sake of not
Speaker 4: having children. And I understand wanting to do this, but
Speaker 4: this is this goes against everything that we stand for
Speaker 4: as men. Right, does it come out?
Speaker 2: In what sense?
Speaker 4: Does it come out? You putting something in a block something?
Speaker 4: Is it coming out?
Speaker 1: Says it's a jelu, So probably in after two years
Speaker 1: it probably doesn't.
Speaker 4: No, no, no, that's coming out. I know that's coming out.
Speaker 4: But is anything coming out?
Speaker 7: It is?
Speaker 2: It doesn't come out with sperms. It blocks the sperm,
Speaker 2: but you can still ejaculate.
Speaker 4: And pulling out.
Speaker 1: No, you don't have to understand what I understand. It's
Speaker 1: like getting to pisectomy. Remember when I was concerned that
Speaker 1: it wouldn't be the same consistency. Oh, everything is still
Speaker 1: the same.
Speaker 2: I can, yes, let you know that it is.
Speaker 1: Everything is still the I didn't ask.
Speaker 4: I'm you didn't know.
Speaker 1: You didn't ask, but you technically did just ask. You
Speaker 1: just said does it come out, which means does it
Speaker 1: come out with the same.
Speaker 2: So it's not blocking an ejaculation, it's just brought the sperm.
Speaker 2: That's what you meant by goes again because I'm like,
Speaker 2: where is he going with? It goes against everything that
Speaker 2: we stand for as a man, because it gotta come out.
Speaker 7: Yeah, we're doing men such a disservice by not giving
Speaker 7: them birth control because as women, because we have to
Speaker 7: do all this stuff, we have such an intimate relationship
Speaker 7: with our anatomy.
Speaker 5: You niggas don't even know what seemen is.
Speaker 2: I do it.
Speaker 4: No, I do not.
Speaker 1: I know what semen y'all.
Speaker 5: Y'all don't know how it works. Y'all keep asking these
Speaker 5: questions like.
Speaker 4: No, Josh asked answered the question. You just presented this
Speaker 4: to me. My god, this is the problem. What am
Speaker 4: I know what to do? Am I supposed to not
Speaker 4: ask questions?
Speaker 1: You know what I'm glad Josh that you brought this up,
Speaker 1: and I'm glad the Tripple brought this up because we
Speaker 1: were talking about the female anatomy before this, and we
Speaker 1: were saying that there's so many different things that women
Speaker 1: go through that men don't know, and men, I mean
Speaker 1: women expect us to know. We talked about the four
Speaker 1: different phases of the menstal cycle and how you put
Speaker 1: this pretty much four different people that live. That is
Speaker 1: an actual fact, right, Men didn't know that, but women
Speaker 1: will constantly be.
Speaker 5: Like, y'all didn't know that, Well, we didn't know for
Speaker 5: a long time. A lot of us.
Speaker 2: I'm just learning about the luteal phase and all these
Speaker 2: different phases and what emotions are corresponding with each week.
Speaker 2: And then we feel like we're crazy half the time
Speaker 2: because y'all tell us that we're crazy too. It's like,
Speaker 2: I know I'm crazy, and then you co signed that
Speaker 2: I'm crazy, But am I crazy? Or am I just
Speaker 2: going through whatever my body is going through in the moment,
Speaker 2: And it's yeah, no, no, no, no, but but no,
Speaker 2: no change his dress.
Speaker 1: I'll change it with you. But no, you are right though, though,
Speaker 1: you're right because you are going through changes and we
Speaker 1: need to know. But I do kind of want to
Speaker 1: get back to why you say it goes against everything?
Speaker 1: Is it because you ejaculating is like the manliest thing?
Speaker 4: That's yeah, I mean that's part of it.
Speaker 2: Like he thought it was blocking ejaculation completely, and.
Speaker 1: You're saying it doesn't block, it just comes out just
Speaker 1: what you think it's. Do you still have the same.
Speaker 4: App No, I don't. I do. I do have the
Speaker 4: same app Now I'm not doing You're not with it? Now,
Speaker 4: I'm not with it? Okay? Are you with EXECTI meies
Speaker 4: you're not with exectories. I don't mind that, okay, okay,
Speaker 4: But this is a foreign object, right. Exectly is a
Speaker 4: procedure that's stopping something.
Speaker 2: This is a foreign object, which is the problem a
Speaker 2: lot of women have with putting foreign in their bodies forever.
Speaker 4: And I see here it says non hormonal. Yeah, it's
Speaker 4: not a non hormonal situation. So it's a foreign object
Speaker 4: that's going into my body and we don't know what
Speaker 4: the what the adverse respects of this is, Well, they.
Speaker 5: Said they've been testing it and there have been no
Speaker 5: adverse effects recorded.
Speaker 2: No diarrhea, no leaky gut, no yellow eyes.
Speaker 4: When they put the joint on TV, it's going to
Speaker 4: be like a whole bunch of stuff. Here go fall out,
Speaker 4: your toe, nails go fall off.
Speaker 7: And this is a this is a reversible alternative to
Speaker 7: the vissectomy because this will only last for two years.
Speaker 5: You get the implant taken out.
Speaker 4: But isn't the reversible checking bar?
Speaker 1: Yeah, so here's that it can be reversible.
Speaker 2: So here's my opponente because I can't speak to the
Speaker 2: male anatomy, the nail male body. However, speaking about procreating
Speaker 2: and having children, I think that men should be given
Speaker 2: the option to say, you know what, I'm in a
Speaker 2: space where I want to enjoy myself and I don't
Speaker 2: want to have to worry about becoming a father before
Speaker 2: my time. I don't want to have to make that decision.
Speaker 2: So if he can take control over that, then it's
Speaker 2: like why not. I'm all for that.
Speaker 4: I don't have an op.
Speaker 1: I had a vasectomy, So I'm all for men holding
Speaker 1: the power and taking control over their own bodies if
Speaker 1: there's something they want to do, especially if they have
Speaker 1: a wife or a significant other. I gree with Josh
Speaker 1: that putting something in your body is different than the vasectomy.
Speaker 1: But I will also say this, now we've asked women
Speaker 1: to take hormones, put in rings, put in coils.
Speaker 2: Copper, and all sorts of gear.
Speaker 4: And for me, I'm not asking my wife to do that.
Speaker 1: Oh and I'm not even talking about wives. I'm talking
Speaker 1: about Say you a single dude out there right, my
Speaker 1: first thing would be like to my sons, you need
Speaker 1: to be putting on a fucking condom regards so you
Speaker 1: don't need that anyway, but just in case you the
Speaker 1: kind of breaks or something and you don't want to
Speaker 1: have no kids. If you know for a fact you
Speaker 1: don't have no kids, if this is healthy, and why not, Like,
Speaker 1: to be.
Speaker 2: Honest, why not prevent pregnancy. It's not preventing that.
Speaker 1: And everybody don't need to have kids. Everybody shouldn't. And
Speaker 1: that's not a man thing. That's a man every person
Speaker 1: and most some people you see here never wanted to
Speaker 1: have the kids they have.
Speaker 5: It happened.
Speaker 1: And if there's a way to prevent that, I'm for that.
Speaker 2: Like just who around the South trips did you have
Speaker 2: any feedback on it?
Speaker 7: I think men should definitely have birth control that they
Speaker 7: are responsible for.
Speaker 5: I feel like the owner shouldn't be on women. The
Speaker 5: medical field.
Speaker 7: They haven't done a lot of research on women's anatomy.
Speaker 7: They've done more on men, so they should put it
Speaker 7: on men to be responsible. And I think too, men
Speaker 7: have the option of walking away when a woman gets pregnant,
Speaker 7: when whereas a woman doesn't. The baby's in her body,
Speaker 7: so if you don't want it, you should be responsible
Speaker 7: for not having it.
Speaker 1: I do have a question too, though, to ask Allen's women.
Speaker 1: I hear women say this all the time.
Speaker 2: Men.
Speaker 1: If a man lays down with a woman and gets
Speaker 1: her pregnant, but he has a chance to walk away,
Speaker 1: that's unfair, right, But I do kind of feel like, well,
Speaker 1: a woman also didn't have to lay down, So why
Speaker 1: is it only put on a man like he got
Speaker 1: her pregnant. She laid down and got herself pregnant too,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's the case by case in thearor Yeah,
Speaker 2: I agree that both people have to be responsible. I
Speaker 2: think because women ultimately have the choice to have the
Speaker 2: baby or not. Because you have choices, right when you
Speaker 2: get pregnant and say you don't want the baby, you
Speaker 2: can give it up for adoption. If you have the baby,
Speaker 2: you can go get a plan B. If you know, like,
Speaker 2: oh man, we got into a situation that we didn't
Speaker 2: expect to be in. There's termination. There's so many options
Speaker 2: available to women. So I think in that circumstance, you know,
Speaker 2: giving men the power to create kind of their destiny
Speaker 2: with knowing whether or not they want to have children
Speaker 2: or not, with having them birth control method that works
Speaker 2: because that way you don't leave it up to guests
Speaker 2: with what the woman is going to do with her body,
Speaker 2: because ultimately she has full autonomy over her body.
Speaker 1: I agree, I got four sons. I agree. I don't
Speaker 1: want my sons to have to lay down and say
Speaker 1: I hope she doesn't have it. I hope, to be honest,
Speaker 1: I hope my sons would have used discernment before even
Speaker 1: laying down with whoever, saying that, Okay, if I'm laying
Speaker 1: down with her, then she might be the type of
Speaker 1: person that I'll have a child with. But even if
Speaker 1: you are laying down with her, if she's at the child,
Speaker 1: you should have a choice contraceptive, whether it's a condom
Speaker 1: or is this thing you're talking about. I think men
Speaker 1: need to start taking more responsibility over what they do
Speaker 1: with their seed, leaving it up to so only a woman.
Speaker 1: To me is like, that's fuck boys shit if we
Speaker 1: be honest, like, oh, she got pregnant, No, she didn't
Speaker 1: get pregnant, nigga, right, you got her pregnant? Yeah, y'all,
Speaker 1: I got pregnant.
Speaker 4: I would say, I do like that perspective, Ka, that
Speaker 4: makes that makes perfect tense to me. And if that's
Speaker 4: the situation for me personally, I'm just thinking about myself,
Speaker 4: but in general, like that that is I mean, having
Speaker 4: this Adam pill or whatever this thing is allows men
Speaker 4: to like take control, right, So like, yeah, I know
Speaker 4: for a fact that ain't mine, right, right, you know
Speaker 4: what I mean?
Speaker 1: Right, So I get that, and then you won't get
Speaker 1: that whose is it? It ain't mine? I'm on the
Speaker 1: shot or you know what I'm saying. I got my
Speaker 1: balls injected with this. It's not mine.
Speaker 2: Now, you just hope that people will still take a
Speaker 2: step further and we're condom so that there's influx of
Speaker 2: it's not a past to just go out there and
Speaker 2: be raw dog and everything. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 2: There has to still be that is.
Speaker 1: A deeper issue. Right about that. That's a deeper issue.
Speaker 2: So just be smart. People be smart.
Speaker 7: No on the same vein as Father's Day. I know
Speaker 7: that you guys with kids in here, you try to
Speaker 7: be good dads. But I often hear dad say they
Speaker 7: don't get good gifts for Father's Day.
Speaker 1: We don't.
Speaker 7: So I'm like, does it make you feel doubtful as
Speaker 7: a dad when your kids bring you a little shitty?
Speaker 7: When they got mom, they got mom something to elaborate.
Speaker 1: Last month, that's they're gonna get their mom something elaborate.
Speaker 1: I do have an op on that. I personally don't care.
Speaker 1: My kids typically ask me that what you want for
Speaker 1: Father's Day? And I to be like, I don't want nothing,
Speaker 1: But they actually mother what you want? Well, I want flowers,
Speaker 1: make sure you have a card, make sure we go
Speaker 1: to dinner.
Speaker 4: So you ask your mom, your mom to do that,
Speaker 4: Mom to do that. That's and that's why I feel
Speaker 4: this way. I asked my mom, she tell me. I
Speaker 4: asked my pops.
Speaker 1: He just be like, don't nothing. Ilse grill for y'all.
Speaker 1: We watched the games. So to be honest, you can't
Speaker 1: be upset at women saying exactly what they want. That
Speaker 1: is just like the joke and complain, but realistically, I
Speaker 1: don't want to go to a brunch.
Speaker 2: Do not take me anywhere that's there. That's my devots hard.
Speaker 2: He's hard in general. Like birthdays. Everyone always texts me
Speaker 2: for birthdays and they're like, what do I get Devout?
Speaker 2: We don't know what Devo wants his pajamas today, y'all
Speaker 2: we were supposed to be dressing.
Speaker 4: Why they didn't even notice?
Speaker 2: Or are you serious? The theme around the theme around
Speaker 2: elsejama like elevation. We're in a new space. Let's try
Speaker 2: to dress nicely, make it a show. Blah blah blah.
Speaker 2: And Deval comes down here in his Warriors pajama pans. Now,
Speaker 2: I get just playoff basketball time. I get it, and
Speaker 2: I get it that you're still holding on to dead ass.
Speaker 2: But this is how he showed up to set today.
Speaker 2: But that's indicative of who you.
Speaker 1: Got a nice watch about, Thank you, Josh, because I
Speaker 1: didn't realize I had on the dead ass shirt. I
Speaker 1: woke up like this.
Speaker 2: Clearly you didn't make it like that exactly I was.
Speaker 2: Which if you haven't gotten your dead ass merch, there's
Speaker 2: not much less y'all is at this point of collector's
Speaker 2: item invented, So make sure y'all hit up the website
Speaker 2: and get what's left. But I'm just saying that to say,
Speaker 2: devou is such a simple person, like he does not
Speaker 2: want to go anywhere. So anytime I've tried to like, oh,
Speaker 2: for Father's Day, we should go here, we should go that, devousa,
Speaker 2: I don't want to go nowhere. It's my day. Why
Speaker 2: are you trying to put your spin on what I
Speaker 2: want for my day? I want you to sit at home.
Speaker 2: I want to grill. He's like, essentially become his dad.
Speaker 2: He's like, I want to sit home. I'll grill with
Speaker 2: the boys, be hanging around, they get in the pool.
Speaker 2: It's in June, they just got out to school. I
Speaker 2: just want to chill with my family. And then still
Speaker 2: I'll go and I'll buy him a couple of things here,
Speaker 2: you know, a Mary's his spot or whatever, and then
Speaker 2: he'll open it and it's like you didn't have to
Speaker 2: get this, I didn't need this. So it's really ultimately hard.
Speaker 2: But I get your point, tripe. But most of the time,
Speaker 2: fathers feel like they're the second thought or they're the afterthought,
Speaker 2: and that's not nearly the case. It's just that you
Speaker 2: require less.
Speaker 1: Well, let me ask, do fathers feel like they afterthought?
Speaker 1: Do other people next to us say, why do y'all
Speaker 1: do this.
Speaker 3: To dad's marketing your father's you know you think that's
Speaker 3: what it is.
Speaker 4: I mean, there is a difference with how men and
Speaker 4: women are celebrated on those days, like in general. But yo,
Speaker 4: for me personally, I think, don't complicate that day. Yo,
Speaker 4: Like it is my second birthday. Father's Day is literally
Speaker 4: my second That's what it is. That's literally don't complicate it.
Speaker 4: Like if I go to church on that Sunday, fine,
Speaker 4: I come home. Not trying to go nowhere to eat, Nope.
Speaker 4: I just want to sit down on a couch and
Speaker 4: just watch TV. If y'all if this is a day
Speaker 4: I'm celebrated, I don't celebrated. You're not gonna do something.
Speaker 4: You do what you do. Like I don't give some
Speaker 4: cool like I got I got five different mugs for
Speaker 4: Father's Day. I got that. I don't even use them,
Speaker 4: you know what I'm saying? Like one year, one year
Speaker 4: I got like golf clubs. I love that. Would I
Speaker 4: be okay without those golf clubs. I would absolutely be
Speaker 4: okay with it. Why because I still haven't been to
Speaker 4: damn driving ring, right, So don't overcomplicate my day. Just
Speaker 4: let me chill man, like this is this is my
Speaker 4: second birthday.
Speaker 2: So I know some moms we're for Mother's Day. Personally,
Speaker 2: I like to be with my children on Mother's Day
Speaker 2: because I feel like the kids look for me like
Speaker 2: it's Mother's Day.
Speaker 4: I won't to be with y'all.
Speaker 2: Right, I know a contingent of moms that are like
Speaker 2: for Mother's Day, send me away, take me away. I
Speaker 2: don't want to be with them, damn kids. I have
Speaker 2: a friend who every year, her husband books her a
Speaker 2: hotel room from Friday night and she does not check
Speaker 2: out until Sunday night because she just wants to be
Speaker 2: alone to do nothing because she's always having to do something.
Speaker 2: So it depends on the person. You gotta know your
Speaker 2: person and know what they like and what they expect.
Speaker 2: I'll just put it out there, baby, you don't have
Speaker 2: to get me flowers as Mother's Day. I just bought
Speaker 2: my Mother's Day gift.
Speaker 4: Y'all. See, y'all see how y'all see how this happening?
Speaker 4: This go ahead, you what you gave me, whatever you bought,
Speaker 4: Whatever you bought, you can have it.
Speaker 2: I just bought my Mother's Day gift. Guys, I got
Speaker 2: a purse. I haven't got on in a well purse
Speaker 2: you back. Don't worry about it. You'll see when we
Speaker 2: go upstairs. Just don't check your phone yet. But I
Speaker 2: couldn't make it to the store today because we had
Speaker 2: to record. So just letting you know, just letting you
Speaker 2: do not open your phone right now and making a thing.
Speaker 2: But I'm just letting you know that just saved I
Speaker 2: absolved him of having to go and shout for me. Yo. Today,
Speaker 2: he was just happy.
Speaker 1: The go sit over there.
Speaker 2: What did you see? That's not mine? Okay, that's yours,
Speaker 2: that's your.
Speaker 1: For me.
Speaker 2: No, I said, that was one of the expenses you had.
Speaker 2: That wasn't an expense for me.
Speaker 1: Oh see, there's a bunch of I'm not even gonna
Speaker 1: look at this.
Speaker 2: He's making it a thing. He's you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: But in the pursuit of you trying to find the
Speaker 2: perfect gift, as we're talking about the pursuit of perfection,
Speaker 2: I found it for you, and I saved you. The trouble,
Speaker 2: So don't worry about it.
Speaker 1: This is not making.
Speaker 2: It's just one little bag. I haven't brought a bag
Speaker 2: in years, y'all. But since working, since is working now?
Speaker 2: This is what I've always been working. But I'm working, y'all.
Speaker 2: Gonna find out soon, I know.
Speaker 7: Cardi B said that she's gonna give her birkeens to
Speaker 7: her daughter. Yeah, well you don't have any daughters, Kadeen.
Speaker 2: Are you making a look at this?
Speaker 1: Were talking about and somehow, somehow on Father's Day, Kadeen
Speaker 1: got a bag and it's gonna pass it down.
Speaker 4: The triple won't be talking about God's triple. She really said,
Speaker 4: you don't get me nothing. She led with, you don't
Speaker 4: got to get me nothing.
Speaker 1: Because I already got her something technical because you got it.
Speaker 2: To day, baby, you did. I saved you the trouble, honey.
Speaker 2: I mean, if you'd like to get.
Speaker 1: More, listen, I don't. I don't have a problem giving
Speaker 1: gifts and they're not for nothing. This actually goes back
Speaker 1: like I'm joking. I really don't care what she getting
Speaker 1: home thing, But this is the point. Kay says what
Speaker 1: she wants. Women oftentimes say exactly what they want, show men,
Speaker 1: especially dads, be like, I'm good, just leave me alone,
Speaker 1: like and enough for nothing. If Kay says your mother's
Speaker 1: that she want to go away, I'm gonna pay for
Speaker 1: her go away and do this right. If I say
Speaker 1: I want to go away for Father's Day, k would
Speaker 1: definitely be like, yo, leave your pops alone. The thing is,
Speaker 1: pops just normally don't say what they want.
Speaker 2: We really don't local guys. We're just trying to rock
Speaker 2: our brain, trying to figure out what it is so
Speaker 2: to make you feel special.
Speaker 4: You know you don't got to rock your brain. I
Speaker 4: want cookies and brain and brain. That's all I want.
Speaker 1: And my lion, you're father, right, what do you want?
Speaker 1: I just want somebody to pay attention, to be only me,
Speaker 1: just for the day. And if that's gonna be you,
Speaker 1: then that's what I want. Cookies and brain. Same thing
Speaker 1: for Valentine's Day, right, Sandwich. Why do women get chocolates
Speaker 1: and bracelets and diamonds as for Valentine's Day and we
Speaker 1: don't get nothing but butt because that's what we asked for.
Speaker 1: I don't want no diamonds, I don't want no cookies.
Speaker 1: I don't want no flowers.
Speaker 7: I don't want to want to go to for Valentine's Day.
Speaker 7: That was something you know, that's not all I want
Speaker 7: to give, don't.
Speaker 5: Because because you're still for Valentine.
Speaker 4: I get it.
Speaker 5: That's that's gonna piss me off.
Speaker 4: That's why I couldn't they.
Speaker 1: Know lesbians because lesbians want to be women. And then
Speaker 1: at the same time, Tripple want to funches, right, she
Speaker 1: want toes and tell them bitches, Yo, I'm still a woman.
Speaker 4: You ready. Gift is a superwoman. All yes, she's complex,
Speaker 4: He's super woman.
Speaker 2: I love it.
Speaker 5: I love it.
Speaker 1: If I could go back and come back as anything,
Speaker 1: I want to go back and come back as a
Speaker 1: black lesbian. You know why. I have my own titties right,
Speaker 1: my own pussy. I can play it with. I can
Speaker 1: play with other people's titties and we talking.
Speaker 4: Plus on Valentine's Day.
Speaker 5: I get gifts that it is actually the best thing ever.
Speaker 1: See that lesbian privileged. Y'all heard it here first. Triple
Speaker 1: don't be going through nothing in her life. Could you
Speaker 1: imagine that people just die like diagnose lesbianism to like
Speaker 1: Triple just have the perfect life. Couldn't that wouldn't that
Speaker 1: be the most fucked up thing because TRUP will be
Speaker 1: going through shit.
Speaker 2: Is it perfect? Let's go on to perfectionist.
Speaker 1: We all talk about perfectionism.
Speaker 4: I'll be leading us down the path of somewhere else's.
Speaker 2: I know that that tends to happen. Do we have
Speaker 2: another app or I forget what we know?
Speaker 5: I wanted this to lead and talking about perfectionism.
Speaker 7: When I was creating the run A show for this episode,
Speaker 7: I was wondering, if de vou ever, it doesn't seem
Speaker 7: like you suffer with perfectionism. It seems like there's something
Speaker 7: else where you do things well, but it's not. There's
Speaker 7: no pressure to do things well. It's just kind of
Speaker 7: like an expectation from yourself. So I wanted to talk
Speaker 7: about I guess you're gonna have to talk to the
Speaker 7: rest of us about how perfectionism ruins our lives.
Speaker 1: It does it seriously?
Speaker 4: Does like I hope to God y'all stop doing that.
Speaker 2: Start with our oldest.
Speaker 4: Jackson because Jackson Jackson is just.
Speaker 2: Like and I think the hardest part part of dealing
Speaker 2: with someone who suffers from this pursuit of perfect perfection
Speaker 2: is the the anxiety that they build up and the
Speaker 2: performance anxiety, the nerves. Like, that's something we noticed with Jackson.
Speaker 2: It's like him wanting to do something perfect. There's like
Speaker 2: a frustration that comes with it.
Speaker 5: There's this.
Speaker 2: You know, it's almost as if he talks himself out
Speaker 2: of it sometimes. And that's that's what we have to
Speaker 2: talk came back off the legend. It's like, no, you
Speaker 2: can do this because you've prepared for it. That's why
Speaker 2: we always tell them that the pursuit of perfection.
Speaker 1: Practice practice, practice is not the pursuit of perfection, right,
Speaker 1: practice is the pursuit of the process.
Speaker 4: Right exactly.
Speaker 2: And that's what we try to instill in the voids
Speaker 2: time and and time and again, especially to vour working
Speaker 2: with them closely on sports for example, you know, trying
Speaker 2: to get over anxiety.
Speaker 1: But I changed it because remember it used to be
Speaker 1: now a practice, practice used to it used to be
Speaker 1: practice makes perfect, yeah, right, right, practice was perfect. So
Speaker 1: I used to say that, right, and then Jackson want
Speaker 1: to be perfect perfect. Analogy is to I no longer
Speaker 1: preach perfection. It didn't start with Jackson, started with myself. Right,
Speaker 1: Jackson is playing basketball. First half of the year, Jackson
Speaker 1: is averaging like maybe eleven points. He's only shooting maybe
Speaker 1: four shots a game, so once a quarter he shoots right,
Speaker 1: but he's also scoring at a high percentage. I said, Jackson,
Speaker 1: why are you not shooting? I'm afraid I won't miss
Speaker 1: I'm afraid I won't make it. So then you shoot
Speaker 1: another one. Yeah, but if I missed, then Oh, so
Speaker 1: you think missing any shot in the game means that
Speaker 1: you're not perfect.
Speaker 4: So you don't want to shoot.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but what if your team could use those points? Jackson?
Speaker 1: I said, Yeah, what if you make half and miss half,
Speaker 1: but you still score twenty points? He said, he if
Speaker 1: I scored twenty and our team's gonna win. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: you had to miss half of them to make the twenty.
Speaker 1: And that's when he got it and he realized, like, oh,
Speaker 1: and he said to me, so I miss all the
Speaker 1: shots you don't take Exactly, you don't take a shot
Speaker 1: because you fear you won't be perfect. You've missed it.
Speaker 1: So you've automatically disqualified yourself from the opportunity to even
Speaker 1: be great because you avoided it out of the fear
Speaker 1: of perfection. And he really got that out and then
Speaker 1: he was just like, oh, so I don't got to
Speaker 1: be perfect. No, the greatest shoot of all time shoots
Speaker 1: at forty percent from three. That's Steph Curry. The best
Speaker 1: batters in baseball all shoot between two hundred and three hundred,
Speaker 1: which means that they miss way more than they make,
Speaker 1: and those are the greats. And that's when he realized, like, oh,
Speaker 1: so I don't got to chase perfection. Yeah, because perfection
Speaker 1: is untainable. Nobody can always be perfect all the time.
Speaker 2: Then you had Cairo who runs the two hundred, and
Speaker 2: Cairo has figured out in his mind the perfect way
Speaker 2: to pursue this perfect race. So Cairo running the two hundred.
Speaker 2: They just started running track this year. Right at the
Speaker 2: last track me, we were at Kiro's running the two hundred.
Speaker 2: So Cairo gets out the gate, he's running, hits the curve,
Speaker 2: He's at the back of the pack. So me and
Speaker 2: DeValve were like, damn, he's at the back of the pack.
Speaker 2: And then as he hits the straightaway, Cairo literally like
Speaker 2: sonic blows past like five people everybody. They finished first
Speaker 2: and right. So when he came off, he kind of
Speaker 2: smirked and he was just like them, like is that
Speaker 2: your strategy? Like you want to just coast around the
Speaker 2: corner and then like turn it up and he's just like,
Speaker 2: kind of yet, because I know I could once I
Speaker 2: like hit the straightaway and then Deval was like, but bro,
Speaker 2: if you were like hitting it the entire time, your
Speaker 2: time would be faster, because in track it's ultimately you
Speaker 2: against the time and you against your your last time
Speaker 2: trying to get that personal record. But it's funny to
Speaker 2: see how people's brains work differently, and we're noticing that
Speaker 2: with our kids. The way they try to pursue what
Speaker 2: their idea is of perfect is it's always with a
Speaker 2: different process, Right.
Speaker 1: I think your point is super valid because he won
Speaker 1: his heat, but since he won his heat, he thought
Speaker 1: he's gonna get a medal. He didn't get a medal,
Speaker 1: and he didn't get a medal because he finished only
Speaker 1: top twenty in times. Now, in his mind, he ran
Speaker 1: his race perfectly to win his heat heat, but he
Speaker 1: still didn't get what he wanted. And that's the whole thing.
Speaker 1: Perfect to you isn't perfect to everybody, which means perfect
Speaker 1: to everybody isn't perfect to you. So if you're facing
Speaker 1: your life or living your life saying my life isn't
Speaker 1: perfect to everyone else. It doesn't have to be because
Speaker 1: even when you think you're doing stuff perfect, it's not
Speaker 1: perfect for everyone.
Speaker 2: You know, what do you guys think is the standard
Speaker 2: of perfection for something in your life? For example, Triple,
Speaker 2: you want to be perfect at something? What has set
Speaker 2: that wants to What do you look at and say
Speaker 2: this would be perfect for me?
Speaker 1: She wants to be a performer Shriple love stand up.
Speaker 1: She wants to be a writer, show someone's to act.
Speaker 1: So what would be the perfect performance?
Speaker 2: What would be like the perfect or the perfect avenue
Speaker 2: to get to that for you that you feel like
Speaker 2: you have not been able to unfold yet, the.
Speaker 5: Perfect avenue to get there? I don't think that I have.
Speaker 7: And this is probably the problem that comes with this
Speaker 7: question of perfectionism, is it self doubt Because I think
Speaker 7: the avenues the doors have been open. I've done almost
Speaker 7: everything that I could think to do to get there.
Speaker 7: But a lot of times when I get there, I'm like,
Speaker 7: oh my god, you know what I'm saying. I get scared,
Speaker 7: I get nervous, I fuck up somehow, or I moved
Speaker 7: to the next thing, or I think I'm not good
Speaker 7: enough to be here, and I don't keep going. Yeah,
Speaker 7: I think that that has been my biggest hang up
Speaker 7: in the last couple of years. It's just being like,
Speaker 7: I'm not funny enough to be a comic.
Speaker 5: I can't do this. And then I just had this
Speaker 5: situation happen.
Speaker 7: I made a video Mimicky and Gail King, and I
Speaker 7: made the video and then I was like, I'm not
Speaker 7: about to post this and I'm fucking funny.
Speaker 5: And then I was like, here I go talking myself
Speaker 5: out of it. So I just posted it anyway. I'm like,
Speaker 5: if it flops, it flops whatever, I don't care. And
Speaker 5: it didn't flop.
Speaker 2: It like it did very well.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and I was surprised. Yeah, it was funny. I
Speaker 4: was so.
Speaker 7: I was extremely surprised, and I was like, okay, Like,
Speaker 7: so my best friend, who's the smartest, most ambitious person
Speaker 7: that I've that I know. She finished her NBA this
Speaker 7: year and she.
Speaker 1: Smarter than me.
Speaker 7: She chosen to give the commencement speech, and in the speech,
Speaker 7: she talks about Steph Curry's three point average and his
Speaker 7: mindset is that the next one is going on no
Speaker 7: matter like how you do. The point is to get
Speaker 7: better every time. Absolutely the point is to keep trying
Speaker 7: so that the next one does go in so that
Speaker 7: you do have a better shot if you keep going.
Speaker 7: So I'll be trying to I'll be trying to keep
Speaker 7: that in mind. But I think for me, I think
Speaker 7: getting on stage, being able to perform. If I get
Speaker 7: on stage, if I do the thing, I know that
Speaker 7: I'm gonna do it well, So really it doesn't matter
Speaker 7: how I get there.
Speaker 5: I think it's just getting there mentally.
Speaker 2: Battle for you.
Speaker 1: I think that people struggle with not being accepted right,
Speaker 1: like for example, Tripple's thing was I created this, I
Speaker 1: think it's funny, but what if it flops? That whole
Speaker 1: what if it flops is also another word for what
Speaker 1: if people don't think?
Speaker 2: It's other people to validate exactly it.
Speaker 1: Especially as a creative, you're constantly seeking validation to know
Speaker 1: that your creativity is going to be appreciated. And it's
Speaker 1: very hard if you're an artist. If people don't appreciate
Speaker 1: your work, it doesn't matter if it's paint, music, film, TV.
Speaker 1: If people don't appreciate your work, you start to feel worthless.
Speaker 1: So I understand that from artists, for example, like Josh
Speaker 1: and Matt, they both do pictures and video.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 1: I remember saying to Josh, like, y'all say, yo, Josh,
Speaker 1: you got mad pictures that you don't ever post, and
Speaker 1: he'd be like, nah, it's just it's not it's not
Speaker 1: And I'm like, you see, you get about to give
Speaker 1: me a whole bunch of reasons why this picture isn't perfect.
Speaker 1: But a picture doesn't have to be perfect to be
Speaker 1: posted and hit. For example, remember when you said, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna tell y'all how I just be throwing against the wall, Like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I think this is funny. I'm gonna try I throw
Speaker 1: it against the wall. It don't hit. I use that
Speaker 1: opportunity to see why it don't hit, to learn and
Speaker 1: understand from it. There's never no loss. A video that
Speaker 1: don't hit, a picture that don't hit, a joke that
Speaker 1: don't hit, is always just more information for you to
Speaker 1: get better at what you do. It's not an end,
Speaker 1: and that's what happens. People think if a video don't hit,
Speaker 1: a picture don't hit, it's the end. It's still always
Speaker 1: the beginning. Even when you have a picture of video
Speaker 1: that hits, now you've got the information of why it hits.
Speaker 1: It's just the beginning, because now you have to duplicate
Speaker 1: that success.
Speaker 2: That's essentially what we did with social media, essentially devals strategy.
Speaker 2: He said, We're gonna just keep posting, and if it
Speaker 2: didn't hit, that's fine, because all it takes is for
Speaker 2: one thing to hit, and then you have a catalog
Speaker 2: of things for people to go and look at. That
Speaker 2: happens all the time. I may see something come across
Speaker 2: my page if I'm aimlessly scrolling one day, and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 2: this is funny, and then I'll go to that person's
Speaker 2: page and then look for other funny videos that caught
Speaker 2: my attention or caught other people's attention, and before you
Speaker 2: know it, you might have gained somebody who follows you
Speaker 2: now because they see something there. But you also have
Speaker 2: to understand that you're not for everybody you know who creative.
Speaker 1: Barack Obama his first New York Times best selling book.
Speaker 4: People think it was his book.
Speaker 1: Obama his first New York Times best selling book was
Speaker 1: when he was running for president. I think he went
Speaker 1: up to go speak in Chicago. Oprah was there, and
Speaker 1: Oprah pretty much was just like, guys, this.
Speaker 7: Is going to be at the Democratic National Convention yeah.
Speaker 7: I remember we watched it in high school and we
Speaker 7: were like, dad, he's going to be the president.
Speaker 1: Yes, right now. He had two books that he had
Speaker 1: already published before that when he was in college, and
Speaker 1: the book sold like seven copies. He said he got
Speaker 1: a phone call randomly from the publisher and which just like, hey,
Speaker 1: we have a check for you, and he's like what
Speaker 1: he was just like, you know, your books were flying
Speaker 1: off the sales ever since the Democratic National Convention. Then
Speaker 1: a couple of weeks later, both of his books became
Speaker 1: New York Times bestsellers, but those were years after he
Speaker 1: first released him So when he first released them, they
Speaker 1: were considered flops. Nobody cared. Then two years go by,
Speaker 1: people listen to him speak and then read his book
Speaker 1: and go back like the catalog you talked about, and realize,
Speaker 1: this man is brilliant. That's why you can't knock yourself
Speaker 1: if something doesn't happen the way you want it to
Speaker 1: happen in that time.
Speaker 4: Sometimes it takes people to catch on. And this is
Speaker 4: not for Nobody's.
Speaker 1: Chris Brown, who is in Everybody did the song Residuals,
Speaker 1: But I said, so, when did that song come out?
Speaker 2: Years ago?
Speaker 1: And it just started popping last year.
Speaker 4: Yeah, like two, it came out.
Speaker 1: Two or three.
Speaker 2: No, it came out like maybe five or six years.
Speaker 2: Are started popping like two years ago.
Speaker 1: The fact it was like how does this song pop down?
Speaker 1: When it came out, And when it first came out,
Speaker 1: nobody was checking for it, so people consider it a flop.
Speaker 1: To me, there's no such thing as a flop. It's
Speaker 1: just people have to start paying attention. The only way
Speaker 1: you get them to pay attention is consistency. But you
Speaker 1: can't be consistent if you're a perfectionist and keep stopping
Speaker 1: because you don't think what you're putting out is perfect
Speaker 1: and that's ultimately the thing.
Speaker 2: Or if you're a procrastinator like I tended to be
Speaker 2: for a large portion of my life and probably still
Speaker 2: to this day. And I realized, like I said in
Speaker 2: my sound by earlier, that I will sometimes mask putting
Speaker 2: things off as me trying to find the perfect way
Speaker 2: to do it when I'm realizing that I'm just really
Speaker 2: not doing the work.
Speaker 5: Well, you know what I was reading on I think
Speaker 5: it was like psych Central that.
Speaker 2: Come on doctor mell me.
Speaker 7: As a neuro divergent person, myself I'm always trying to
Speaker 7: figure out what the hell is going on?
Speaker 5: Get crossed? They said.
Speaker 7: Procrastination can be a personality trait for a perfectionist. It's
Speaker 7: known as maladaptive perfectionism. So usually a perfectionist will try
Speaker 7: to get things right, and they'll work on something until
Speaker 7: they get it right because they have a fear of
Speaker 7: judgment sometimes and procrastination is the same thing, but maladaptive
Speaker 7: means that you are unable to do the thing you're
Speaker 7: supposed to be doing because the perfectionism makes you shut down.
Speaker 7: So perfectionists might have a you know, take more time,
Speaker 7: but they get it done, whereas if your perfectionism is maladaptive,
Speaker 7: you're not getting it.
Speaker 2: You never get it.
Speaker 5: That's me.
Speaker 2: I don't even want to repeat the word because I
Speaker 2: feel like when you repeat the word, it like saying
Speaker 2: that's what it is. Yeah, I don't want to I
Speaker 2: don't want to say that that's what I am, what
Speaker 2: I'm worting, But you.
Speaker 7: Know what I think, sometimes it is helpful to lean
Speaker 7: on something like perfectionism, because perfectionism will take you to
Speaker 7: the root of what it is that's hurting you or
Speaker 7: what it is that's causing it, Like fear.
Speaker 5: Do you fear judgment? Is it something that happened to
Speaker 5: your childhood? You can go back and.
Speaker 7: Understand why you're a perfectionist and then you can heal
Speaker 7: that thing. But if you say something like, oh, I'm
Speaker 7: a procrastinator, that's kind of negatively talking about yourself, like
Speaker 7: I just am lazy.
Speaker 5: I'm just not able to do the thing.
Speaker 7: You are able, but there's something blocking you, so so
Speaker 7: labeling it as perfectionism might help you to get to
Speaker 7: the root of the block.
Speaker 1: Okay, Devil's Advocate. I do think some people be full
Speaker 1: of shit. You know, people going on job interviewers right right,
Speaker 1: and what's the first thing they say, tell me something
Speaker 1: about yourself. I'm a perfection I'm a perfectionist. So that's
Speaker 1: the first thing people say. And it's like almost like
Speaker 1: when people say, you know, I have anxiety. It's almost
Speaker 1: like it's a word that's so overused now that people
Speaker 1: just throw it into their vernacular that seem like they're
Speaker 1: self aware, when realistically they just scared. And a lot
Speaker 1: of times I feel like this whole perfectionism thing like
Speaker 1: you just described is a byproduct of something that's really
Speaker 1: going on, and they use the perfectionist thing. So I
Speaker 1: agree with that, Like, I didn't think about it until
Speaker 1: you said it like that. How many people just say
Speaker 1: I'm a perfectionist because it sounds better than saying I'm
Speaker 1: scared as a motherfucker that this ain't gonna work.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm not.
Speaker 5: I don't consider myself a perfectionist. I am scared as fuck.
Speaker 7: I have debilitating anxiety whenever I think about, especially things
Speaker 7: that are visible, Like I can go on stage, you know,
Speaker 7: and do this, do the thing, but like posting something
Speaker 7: on the internet, I'd be like, oh, I'll be ready.
Speaker 2: To throw which is so crazy because most people their
Speaker 2: biggest for the number one fear except for people that's
Speaker 2: like public speaking or being in front of a crowd
Speaker 2: or an audience and speaking, which is something that I
Speaker 2: feel like most of us can do pretty naturally in
Speaker 2: this room, but.
Speaker 4: Public speaking, but I know Matt wouldn't. But I'm like,
Speaker 4: I don't think it's the act of doing it is
Speaker 4: not the issue. It's the result of it, Like how
Speaker 4: is this going to be received after? For me personally,
Speaker 4: Like how is it going to be received after? So
Speaker 4: I have no problem doing the work, I have no
Speaker 4: problem taking the photos. I have no problem making a video.
Speaker 4: It's like afterwards and part of part my thing is
Speaker 4: what I'm conscious of is well it doesn't look like
Speaker 4: this person's especially when I'm in a foreign space.
Speaker 1: You think you want validation.
Speaker 4: It could be a form of validation, but it could
Speaker 4: be a form of me trying to validate my own self.
Speaker 1: I get that.
Speaker 4: People, Then you want you want to valiance. I want
Speaker 4: to feel like it's okay, right, Like I want to
Speaker 4: say like, nah, this measures up. But the thing, like
Speaker 4: we talked about with Jack's like, bro, you you got
Speaker 4: to get more reps in like you got to be
Speaker 4: able to do way more than you're doing right now.
Speaker 4: This is me talking to myself. I gotta do way
Speaker 4: more I'm doing right now, So like, stop thinking about
Speaker 4: how this will be received and just do something right.
Speaker 4: But like for me, it's it's perfectionism. It's almost like
Speaker 4: you just keep putting roadblocks in your own way. That's
Speaker 4: what I feel like you keep putting for me as
Speaker 4: a personally like desperately wants to be a film director. Right,
Speaker 4: It's it first started off like all right, I'm gonna
Speaker 4: go to take classes. Then when you get these classes,
Speaker 4: you're like, all right, this is not that easy, like okay,
Speaker 4: I need something to make right. And then you're like, okay,
Speaker 4: let me start writing. And then you start writing and
Speaker 4: it's just like this is not good, like I'm not
Speaker 4: writing good enough. So I'm like, now you're wasting time
Speaker 4: trying to figure out how to write something when that's
Speaker 4: not your goal. The goal is not trying to write.
Speaker 4: Your goal is try to make something. So it's like
Speaker 4: constantly putting things that you gotta hurdle over trip over
Speaker 4: most of the time, and then try to like once
Speaker 4: you trip, you gotta find another hurdle, and you're putting
Speaker 4: those things in front of you.
Speaker 1: This is why I feel like people need to start
Speaker 1: understanding the process of being great. People think the process
Speaker 1: of being great just happens like someone just woke up
Speaker 1: and was great and then they started practicing and they
Speaker 1: made all the shots. That's not how greatness works. This
Speaker 1: is literally how greatness works. I had never returned the
Speaker 1: punt in college. That's not what I did.
Speaker 4: A punt.
Speaker 1: For people who don't know, is when the punter kicks
Speaker 1: the ball off, the shit goes like ten stories even
Speaker 1: higher than that in the air. It's a little tiny skittle.
Speaker 1: You got to catch it in front of all the
Speaker 1: people in the arena, plus eleven dudes trying to smack
Speaker 1: you in the mouth. Right I'm in practice, Coach says,
Speaker 1: you have to catch fifty punts after practice if I'm
Speaker 1: going to even allow you to catch a punt in
Speaker 1: the game. So the whole week of practice goes through,
Speaker 1: and me and Chuck Priefer we go back after practice
Speaker 1: and they kick these punts and through every aspect of
Speaker 1: the punt. He made it more difficult. He started dumping
Speaker 1: the balls and water. He started putting the stuff under
Speaker 1: my arms to make it difficult. Out of the fifty
Speaker 1: punts the first day, I only caught like ten. And
Speaker 1: this is what I think people need to understand about
Speaker 1: the process. I caught the ten out of the fifty,
Speaker 1: which is like twenty percent of what it is. But
Speaker 1: he was excited about me going through the journey of
Speaker 1: constantly trying to catch it.
Speaker 4: Right after doing it for three weeks.
Speaker 1: I was starting to catch fifty out of fifty. But
Speaker 1: the problem is people don't ever want to go through
Speaker 1: that aspect of being terrible at something while they learn.
Speaker 1: And I was freaking horrible the same way I was
Speaker 1: horrible at making videos, I was horrible at color commentary,
Speaker 1: I was horrible at football, I was horrible at basketball,
Speaker 1: I was horrible at acting, I was horrible at writing.
Speaker 1: When you start anything, you just be horrible. And we
Speaker 1: all have to get used to the fact that you're
Speaker 1: going to be horrible until you take the necessary time
Speaker 1: to be miserable for a certain a lot of time
Speaker 1: be great. And if people start realizing that, they'll do
Speaker 1: like I do and start throwing shit against the wall. Hey,
Speaker 1: the last time I tried to catch this point, the
Speaker 1: shit hit me right in my face.
Speaker 4: Mass bounced up. I could at that point been like, I'm.
Speaker 1: Not doing this. Look at how Chuck Chuck Prifa was
Speaker 1: laughing laughing at first, you saying you and be an
Speaker 1: NFL punp returner, send your black ass back to Brooklyn.
Speaker 1: This is an old white man telling me this. I
Speaker 1: had to ignore all that and let them shits bounce
Speaker 1: off my face forty out of fifty times until I
Speaker 1: returned my first punt in the NFL. And what happened.
Speaker 1: I almost return that shit for a touchdown. Go back
Speaker 1: to two thousand and six, Deval's first punt return against
Speaker 1: the Chicago Bears. I returned that bitch on the two.
Speaker 1: You ain't got that shit back to the fifty and
Speaker 1: then that was my first punt return, and everybody kept
Speaker 1: saying that that point, Oh, you're gonna be great. He's
Speaker 1: a natural. This is first punt return. Yeah, y'all didn't
Speaker 1: know that for three weeks. Them shits was bouncing off
Speaker 1: my face mass in practice.
Speaker 2: And if I know anything about Daval the chip he
Speaker 2: had on his shoulder after Teller, Everyone tells if you
Speaker 2: want Devalu to do something, telling me.
Speaker 1: Can't tell me I can't do it, tell me can't
Speaker 1: do it.
Speaker 2: Fact, I can relate to you in the process of it. So, Josh,
Speaker 2: when you were talking about having to write and then
Speaker 2: having to do this, and you look at them as
Speaker 2: hurdles to try to get you to be a director, right,
Speaker 2: I instantly thought about, that's probably just a part of
Speaker 2: the process to get you to understand the scope of
Speaker 2: work of what a director does.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 2: And I think about my recent project that I did
Speaker 2: over at TPS, Divorced SSS make sure I'll watch on
Speaker 2: b ET plus. Preparing for this particular role, I was
Speaker 2: enjoying the process of it, because I've always wanted this
Speaker 2: for myself, right, went to school for it, all of that.
Speaker 2: So I had an opportunity to do the acting now
Speaker 2: in a very prestigious role. When I say prestigious series
Speaker 2: regularly everyone on the show, right and baby, let me
Speaker 2: tell you when perfectionism, the pursuit of that, the pressure,
Speaker 2: the process, all of the things were starting to fall
Speaker 2: on my lap and imposter syndrome wanted to sneak in
Speaker 2: every single time that I sat down and read those
Speaker 2: scripts and had to prepare. So to your point, the
Speaker 2: process of preparing for filming and the hours that I
Speaker 2: put in to my scripts with my coach, developing Geneva
Speaker 2: in the gym, changing my diet, like everything that I
Speaker 2: did to prepare for that, which Devou thought I was
Speaker 2: obsessive over. At some point he thought I was doing
Speaker 2: the most. He was like, it shouldn't require all of this.
Speaker 4: I legit was like, are you okay? Like I was like,
Speaker 4: this is not not realizing this was her first opportunity
Speaker 4: to do that. I'm like, I do this.
Speaker 2: Yeah, You're nine seasons in and fourth two shows, four
Speaker 2: seasons in. This is my first time in the like
Speaker 2: imagine me getting this opportunity and fumbling it as you
Speaker 2: were just thinking of oportunities as Devou's wife missed the TPS.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying. So I had all of
Speaker 2: these things on my shoulders, and every time something crap
Speaker 2: up to my this is how I knew that perfectionism
Speaker 2: and procrastination, those are things that I throw in my way.
Speaker 2: It's the process of preparing for it. So I prepared
Speaker 2: so much, and I was so obsessive and I was
Speaker 2: so drastic with it that when I got to set
Speaker 2: for those two weeks, I was Jeneva. I was just
Speaker 2: her like I wasn't Kadeen. I was so prepared, and
Speaker 2: that just made me realize, like all the shit I've
Speaker 2: told myself over the years, the self doubt, the imposter syndrome,
Speaker 2: all of that, that's just the enemy. That's just the depth,
Speaker 2: that's whoever you want to say, it is creeping in.
Speaker 2: Because I was, I was capable. I was capable of
Speaker 2: the whole time. All I had to do was the work,
Speaker 2: and I think most people just shy away from committing
Speaker 2: to doing the work and doing the process.
Speaker 1: There's no way you can avoid you can't cheat that, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you can't avoid the fear or the nerves that come
Speaker 1: with something new if you don't practice it. You have
Speaker 1: to like, this is what I told Jackson said, if
Speaker 1: you really Because Jackson was like that, I'd be nervous
Speaker 1: before every game. A stomach be bothered me, and he's
Speaker 1: just like, I don't know how to shake it. I
Speaker 1: was like, well, the only reason why you're nervous is
Speaker 1: because the unknown. You don't know what's gonna happen in
Speaker 1: this game, do you. He's like, nah, I say, you
Speaker 1: know why you don't know what's gonna happen in this game.
Speaker 1: When you get in practice, you don't spend time in
Speaker 1: practice throwing shit against the wall going full speed trying
Speaker 1: to just func shit up to see what it is.
Speaker 1: You spend time in practice trying to be perfect so
Speaker 1: that coach can remember you perfect.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 1: He was just like, yeah, I said, that's the wrong way.
Speaker 1: The only reason why I knew I wasn't going to
Speaker 1: drop the ball in the game is because I had
Speaker 1: dropped it so many times in practice that by the
Speaker 1: time the ball came to me, I had already knew
Speaker 1: what was going to happen. And he was just like,
Speaker 1: and I watched Kate do the same thing. Kate was
Speaker 1: so nervous about the emotional scenes, right, and this is
Speaker 1: important for acting. People always say, how you able to
Speaker 1: just cry on Q? How are you able to be angry?
Speaker 7: How you?
Speaker 1: And I said, well, first thing is you don't just
Speaker 1: cry on Q. That's not what happens. You become the person.
Speaker 1: How do you become the person? You constantly rep the
Speaker 1: emotions the person goes through. When you're going through the
Speaker 1: lines before you get to the screen, like before it
Speaker 1: even gets that you're going to rehearsal, you're going through
Speaker 1: is you become this person? Then when you get there,
Speaker 1: when they say action, there is no thinking about Now
Speaker 1: I have to cry. Your person says the line, You
Speaker 1: say the line back. Y'all live in the space, and
Speaker 1: when you go watch, it's, oh shit, he cried. It's
Speaker 1: the same thing with photography. Writing a joke, there's never
Speaker 1: gonna be a I wrote this perfect joke on the
Speaker 1: spot trouble It's gonna be I worked it. I wrote
Speaker 1: this joke. I practiced this joke in front of a
Speaker 1: bunch of audiences thousands of times before the Netflix special came.
Speaker 1: So I knew the joke was gonna hit, and that's
Speaker 1: what people miss. You know what I'm saying. At first,
Speaker 1: It's just like I want my joke to hit on Netflix.
Speaker 1: What did your joke flop and the laugh factory a
Speaker 1: thousand times? Because if it flopped at the lave factory,
Speaker 1: then you'll know how to adjust it to make it flip.
Speaker 1: And that's what I want people to like take away
Speaker 1: when they listen to this. Your afectionism is probably coming
Speaker 1: from your lack of approach to consistently doing the thing
Speaker 1: you say you love thousands of times to become great
Speaker 1: at it.
Speaker 3: But I'll push back on that because he says I'm
Speaker 3: a perfectionist. My wife probably said the same thing. I
Speaker 3: wholeheartedly disagree because I go through the process. I'll take
Speaker 3: pictures every day knowing nobody gonna see this picture, but
Speaker 3: I know that pictures for me because I need to
Speaker 3: put up shots.
Speaker 1: So what do you what do you think?
Speaker 4: It's not your issue? What's my issuer? I think you
Speaker 4: also create herders for yourself as well. Because we talked
Speaker 4: about you doing the gallery, and we talked about and
Speaker 4: you talked about all the things that you had to
Speaker 4: do to get to the place where not even a gallery.
Speaker 4: You talked about selling your prints online, and you talked about, well,
Speaker 4: I don't I don't know how to do the site
Speaker 4: gotta be like this, The site gotta do that. You
Speaker 4: gotta do the site got to do a damn thing.
Speaker 4: All that's for me, person for you. Correct, And that's
Speaker 4: the reason why you currently are not selling these prints.
Speaker 4: By the way, you got this point, not that you
Speaker 4: has phenomenal photos over that we know that go back
Speaker 4: to so we understand no exactly right, though Matthew has
Speaker 4: phenomenal photos, photos that would look amazing in your home.
Speaker 4: Hell yeah, Matthew wants to sell you those photos. The
Speaker 4: reason why he hasn't sold those photos is because he
Speaker 4: keeps putting those hurdles in his own way. That's the
Speaker 4: reason why that's not in this house right now on
Speaker 4: the walls, because you're putting those hurtles in a way.
Speaker 4: So I think taking a pictures point, you got a point,
Speaker 4: because I agree with the point.
Speaker 1: Why why some point you created the website yet for
Speaker 1: people to buy them photos.
Speaker 4: His thing is he's not a perfectionist because he's still
Speaker 4: doing the reps, he's still taking a picture because.
Speaker 3: I'm still in the process of building the project to
Speaker 3: be what I wanted to be before I even put
Speaker 3: it out to people.
Speaker 1: That's my point, and that's and that's what he's that's perfectionism.
Speaker 4: It hasn't I don't.
Speaker 3: Even know that is even to a point of imperfect
Speaker 3: I just don't want to incomplete project out there where
Speaker 3: you go, there you see his life.
Speaker 4: That's that's the thing. That's that's the things it has
Speaker 4: to get, and that's the thing. It has to get
Speaker 4: to a certain point until I feel it's ready for
Speaker 4: public assumption.
Speaker 3: And I don't care about the public, so I'm ready
Speaker 3: to put it out. That's when I don't put it out.
Speaker 4: I can put it out.
Speaker 3: I don't care if the public don't like it or
Speaker 3: not if I'm not comfortable with it, because there's many
Speaker 3: times where and I'll go back to and I'm not
Speaker 3: comfortable with how it looks for me as an artist.
Speaker 4: That's what I want to go and change it. I'd
Speaker 4: rather not put it out in a rush way. I
Speaker 4: rather wait as a as a as a fellow artist.
Speaker 4: I completely understand what you mean, right, you want to
Speaker 4: be comfortable, to be able to stand on this product.
Speaker 4: Once it's out that there's like, I have my hands off.
Speaker 4: It's going to do what it does. If it does well,
Speaker 4: does well, it doesn't. I put my all into it.
Speaker 4: But there's a school of thought that says, put it
Speaker 4: out there regardless right now, because you don't know you're
Speaker 4: I would say, looking at it, you have a vision
Speaker 4: of how this thing is supposed to look once it's done.
Speaker 4: The reality is, you know, making movies, right, you know,
Speaker 4: doing TV. Sometimes you get the script, it's one way
Speaker 4: you feel it, it's one way. The finished product is
Speaker 4: a completely different way, completely right. So I say that
Speaker 4: because I think you should just start with the process.
Speaker 4: This is your first time.
Speaker 3: We second because I put it out before, people didn't
Speaker 3: receive it, and I left it out there and I
Speaker 3: took it down because I wanted to go and revamp
Speaker 3: it now.
Speaker 4: That's why it's not back up.
Speaker 3: My print shop has been up.
Speaker 4: Okay, can I just jump in?
Speaker 1: I want to point out something with perfection.
Speaker 3: But I'm here, I'm not being defended.
Speaker 4: I want to I want to point out something with perfection.
Speaker 1: I pointed out to Josh that he does that, and
Speaker 1: Josh's first response was, no, I don't I don't care
Speaker 1: what other people think. I didn't put it out because
Speaker 1: I wasn't happy about it. That's what Josh said. Josh
Speaker 1: just said to you the same thing I said to him.
Speaker 1: Your first response is, it ain't about other people. I
Speaker 1: don't like the way it's out. That's automatically typically a
Speaker 1: response for someone who's using perfectionism as a defense to
Speaker 1: not put their product out. Y'all both just did the
Speaker 1: same thing, And while Josh was trying to help you
Speaker 1: do it, he was doing the same thing because he
Speaker 1: said the same response to me. I said, Josh, you
Speaker 1: tend to wait to see if other people will receive it.
Speaker 1: He said, no, I don't care how other people receive it.
Speaker 1: It's me, the same way you just saying it's me.
Speaker 1: That's what perfectionism is. You're using yourself as the reason
Speaker 1: why you can't put your thing out. And the reason
Speaker 1: why you can stand on that is because can't no
Speaker 1: one else tell you nothing about you. So that's the
Speaker 1: ultimate defense. It ain't about other people, it's about me.
Speaker 1: So when people say it's about us, about you, now,
Speaker 1: you're like, I win, that's why I put it out. No,
Speaker 1: that's why you need to put it out because, like
Speaker 1: I said before, if people didn't buy it, use that
Speaker 1: as a lesson.
Speaker 4: Let me see why.
Speaker 1: Let me not not put it out again. Let me
Speaker 1: see why and what can I adjust correct?
Speaker 3: And that was the reason why I took it. I'm like,
Speaker 3: I see how this looks. I didn't like it in
Speaker 3: the first place, but I tried it. Let me take it,
Speaker 3: let me go back, let me revamp this. I feel
Speaker 3: like now when it's out, y'all gonna love it because
Speaker 3: I revamped it. And then if y'all don't cool, it's
Speaker 3: gonna be out there. I don't feel like it's out
Speaker 3: of place now where I need to take it down.
Speaker 3: I feel like I've gotten the project to a place
Speaker 3: where I could keep adding to it. At this point
Speaker 3: before it looked like an incomplete message to me as
Speaker 3: an artist?
Speaker 1: What's the time on you?
Speaker 3: By the time this is out, y'all, y'all would be
Speaker 3: able to buy prints, I guarantee.
Speaker 2: So do you have photos in your possession right now
Speaker 2: that you feel like this is the perfect photo. I've
Speaker 2: done all that I needed to do in terms of
Speaker 2: edit whatnot, and I can put this on I said, okay,
Speaker 2: put them up, absolutely and it's.
Speaker 4: Not the pictures.
Speaker 1: I don't think the issues the pictures because I went
Speaker 1: to I seen the pictures. It's not the picture who
Speaker 1: I said, I've seen. Like I said the same thing
Speaker 1: to him at his wedding. Wedding, I said, and this
Speaker 1: is the truth, man, you know you my man, I said, Yo,
Speaker 1: what are these pictures that he's like, I'm working on
Speaker 1: And that was your wedding was a year ago, and
Speaker 1: he was like, I'm working on the gallery. It's been
Speaker 1: over a year now. So now it's like at some point,
Speaker 1: just like I did with Trouble, you got to stop
Speaker 1: working on it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'll admit to that, you know, because you you
Speaker 3: definitely said that. You said the same thing when I said,
Speaker 3: and maybe it's just me again. But when you say gallery,
Speaker 3: I push back because I'm thinking about public space where
Speaker 3: I could bring people in. Y'all can see it on
Speaker 3: the wall. The print shop is an issue of my
Speaker 3: own that should have been up a long time ago,
Speaker 3: and I need to get that fixed.
Speaker 4: The gallery.
Speaker 3: On another hand, I also don't want to waste the
Speaker 3: money to put out it to do a gallery and
Speaker 3: five people show up. Personally, I feel like I'm yeah,
Speaker 3: monetarily and don't make sense.
Speaker 1: I don't bro I don't have camps where around the
Speaker 1: whole city where three people came up to six camps.
Speaker 1: Three kids came to six camps around the city. Remember
Speaker 1: we was doing them camps and them three kids was family.
Speaker 1: It was my cousin God, another one of my uncles,
Speaker 1: one of my coaches, nephews.
Speaker 4: It shit hurts and I never have to do what
Speaker 4: you came. I think I think that that we should
Speaker 4: talk about, uh that depending on the position you're in financially,
Speaker 4: uh or any any space in your life that also
Speaker 4: plays a uh the place of a role in how
Speaker 4: you approach things. And your back is against the absolute
Speaker 4: against the wall like yours was probably at that time, Yeah,
Speaker 4: at that time with the cams in my back, it's
Speaker 4: more it's probably different from that at this point against right.
Speaker 1: He's trying to you absolutely like that.
Speaker 4: And that and that talks to your hustle. For me personally,
Speaker 4: I know my back is in against the wall as
Speaker 4: much as it could it could be. That's why the
Speaker 4: firing on my ass is not what it is.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 4: Like when you have when you have external forces forcing
Speaker 4: you or pushing you in this direction because you need it, right,
Speaker 4: that is something that you can't deny that that pushes
Speaker 4: people out of perfectionism perfectionism and into a space of necessity.
Speaker 1: So check this out. So what you pretty much said
Speaker 1: is that socio economic uh details can pretty much hunt.
Speaker 1: Let you know, like, because if you comfortable, you're like,
Speaker 1: I don't got a four stage year. But if you
Speaker 1: back against the wall, that's a good point. Think of
Speaker 1: the most comfortable people won't take chance.
Speaker 2: Yeah, think about success stories though. Whenever you see people
Speaker 2: at the top of whatever their industry is, usually they
Speaker 2: have a struggle story behind it. Where I was living
Speaker 2: out my car, I was working five jobs, I was
Speaker 2: and the site out of that need for you know,
Speaker 2: moving forward in life, your back's against the wall. You're
Speaker 2: doing everything that you have to do the hustle, and
Speaker 2: eventually you make it there because the fire is under
Speaker 2: your tail.
Speaker 4: So this what I think, This what I think.
Speaker 1: Y'all should do. Everybody over there, just give me all
Speaker 1: y'all money. So y'all could be broke. So it's not
Speaker 1: that y'all broke. Y'all could be struggling and dreams. Maybe
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4: Whatever money you get for everybody in the next six weeks,
Speaker 4: I will say this, you have to look at your circumstances.
Speaker 4: I had this like crazy eye opening, uh epiphany.
Speaker 2: This sounds moment of is it?
Speaker 4: It does two nights ago ahead and I'm not giving
Speaker 4: the story, but I'll keep it. But I had this
Speaker 4: epiphany about my circumstance and what I want to do,
Speaker 4: and it was just like you almost have to put
Speaker 4: in perspective. I'm not a millionaire, like I am not
Speaker 4: a millionaire, so logistically, like for me personally, my back
Speaker 4: is against the wall. Right, I can't take a month
Speaker 4: off if I want to. I want to get to
Speaker 4: the point where I could say, lie, I want to
Speaker 4: take the summer off. I don't want to do nothing
Speaker 4: for Junior July, and I want to go. I want
Speaker 4: to live in Jamaica for two whole months. I want that, right,
Speaker 4: And because I want that, I have to be able
Speaker 4: to make myself uncomfortable about what I'm doing right now.
Speaker 4: And I think that's that's where I'm at. It's like
Speaker 4: the uncomfortability isn't there enough to push you? And that's
Speaker 4: where that that that perfectionism is sort of like a crutch.
Speaker 1: You're just good though, because you sound like a like
Speaker 1: a coach now, because coaches will tell you that, you
Speaker 1: know what your problem is, you too fucking comfortable on
Speaker 1: this team. You need to be uncomfortable. Then they bene you,
Speaker 1: you understand.
Speaker 2: You like like a mind game. Essentially, it is a
Speaker 2: mind game.
Speaker 4: Most people people comfortable bro even when they broke. They
Speaker 4: just comfortable, and that's why they can't do other things.
Speaker 1: She just blew like that. Shit really just blew my
Speaker 1: mind thinking about it.
Speaker 2: Now, I got to pay business.
Speaker 1: We do, gotta pay man, paypills, pay bills, come back all.
Speaker 2: Right, all right, we gonna face some bills and come back. Okay,
Speaker 2: as we talked about cutting everybody's salary, let's go face
Speaker 2: some buildings. We'll do the listener letter, but will hold
Speaker 2: your thoughts. We'll round it out in the moment of truth.
Speaker 4: Deal.
Speaker 2: All right, and we're back. We're gonna dive into listening letters.
Speaker 2: As I hear the kiddos her home from school now.
Speaker 1: About to come down at some point, somebody won't.
Speaker 2: Come to somebody gonna come down here. But let's jump
Speaker 2: into it. Hey, de Valen Kadeen, I'm a new listener
Speaker 2: for about a month and I love it. Here congratulates welcome.
Speaker 2: I'm a single, twenty six year old who has no
Speaker 2: trust in men, but I do wish to change that.
Speaker 2: In my childhood I had an inconsistent father with a
Speaker 2: mother who handled everything. It taught me to be very
Speaker 2: independent and not to rely on anyone. During college, I
Speaker 2: experienced sexual trauma with strengthened my mistrust. I do want
Speaker 2: to eventually have a healthy black love relationship, even though
Speaker 2: I never grew up seeing a strong black male figure
Speaker 2: in my life. Here are my questions, Deval, What do
Speaker 2: I do to place trust in men? So when mister
Speaker 2: Wright comes along, I'm prepared. Kadeen, how did you learn
Speaker 2: to lose control for Devo to handle things in times
Speaker 2: where you weren't confident? Ps, Devo, I love your character
Speaker 2: owned sisters.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. First and foremost, I understand why
Speaker 1: she doesn't trust men. You had a father who was inconsistent,
Speaker 1: like most people get their idea of what the opposing
Speaker 1: sex supposed to be by being a parent. So when
Speaker 1: you look at our demographic of people and you think
Speaker 1: about mass incarceration and the things they've done to our
Speaker 1: people over the past fifty years, a lot of young
Speaker 1: people men and women grew up without their father, especially
Speaker 1: if they grew up in an urban area. So to
Speaker 1: hearing young black women or black men say they don't
Speaker 1: have a trusting male figure in their life has become
Speaker 1: something I'm used to. So hearing this story. Remember my
Speaker 1: track girls from Brooklyn, most of them were all single moms.
Speaker 1: What came from single moms? But I understand where her
Speaker 1: trust lack of trust comes from. Then the sexual trauma. Right,
Speaker 1: she asked, what you did to be able to let
Speaker 1: me in? I think she's going to have to do
Speaker 1: the work to heal herself and find a way to
Speaker 1: become more vulnerable and open. Two men, because every man
Speaker 1: isn't going to be the person who assaulted you or
Speaker 1: your father, right, but there still are men out there
Speaker 1: who are just like them. So you have to learn
Speaker 1: how to use discernment and see those red flags from
Speaker 1: far away. For example, most people who go through stuff
Speaker 1: like that are then attracted to that type because that's
Speaker 1: all lace. And I just want her to hear my
Speaker 1: voice and say, listen, all men are not like that.
Speaker 1: They're not, so you don't have to accept that. And
Speaker 1: if you ever get to a position where you feel like, well,
Speaker 1: my dad was like this and this guy, So I
Speaker 1: guess that's how all men are. Fuck, know, sweetheart, all
Speaker 1: men are not like that. All men are not abusers,
Speaker 1: all men are not inconsistent. So first work on yourself
Speaker 1: to be able to heal for yourself. Don't try to
Speaker 1: heal for a man that you think you might meet
Speaker 1: in the future. Heal for yourself so you feel better
Speaker 1: about who you are. And then once you feel healed,
Speaker 1: use that discernment and pick the right type of man
Speaker 1: who's gonna love you the where you want to be loved.
Speaker 2: And then when you find that person. So to answer
Speaker 2: your question, for me, earn is something. Trust is something
Speaker 2: that's earned, it's not just something that happens. So with
Speaker 2: deval and I, I was able to develop a trust
Speaker 2: for him, or a level of trust for him because
Speaker 2: he consistently and we talked about consistency with even perfection istion,
Speaker 2: but perfectionism, but he consistently showed me and proved to
Speaker 2: me not just through words but through his action, the
Speaker 2: character of the kind of man that he is and
Speaker 2: would be. So that made it easy for me to
Speaker 2: then relinquish control to him in certain situations, or be
Speaker 2: able to kind of soften. You know what my mom
Speaker 2: instilled in me to be that independent woman who does
Speaker 2: not need anyone for anything and can do on her own.
Speaker 2: But he also simultaneously never stripped that from me either
Speaker 2: and required that I become a dumbed down version of
Speaker 2: myself because he was able to take care of him provide.
Speaker 2: So that's something that you have to find within that person,
Speaker 2: like Davao said, after bettering yourself and making sure that
Speaker 2: you're in a position to receive that kind of person,
Speaker 2: allowing them to earn the trust not through just words
Speaker 2: but also action. So it was easy for me to
Speaker 2: just let everything down, panties included with DeVos. I trusted
Speaker 2: him in every which way, honey, and still do twenty
Speaker 2: three years in. So it gets better this, So thank
Speaker 2: you so much for listening. I'm happy you found us,
Speaker 2: I'm happy that you love it here. You have a
Speaker 2: couple of seasons to catch up on, but thank you
Speaker 2: for joining the family over here and ever after. All right, y'all,
Speaker 2: if you want to be featured as one of our
Speaker 2: listener letters, be sure to email us at the Ellis
Speaker 2: advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 4: That's t h E E L l I S A
Speaker 4: d v I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: All right, moment of truth time today we're talking about perfectionism,
Speaker 2: the pursuit of that triple. What you got for us,
Speaker 2: it's your moment of truth. This.
Speaker 7: I didn't just learn this, but I was pleasantly reminded
Speaker 7: to appreciate the process. I do have a thing where
Speaker 7: I'm just I'm realizing that it is and it's important
Speaker 7: for me to be liked.
Speaker 5: And I don't like not being good.
Speaker 4: At stuff, and so that's honest.
Speaker 7: I always have to remind myself that practice makes you better. Yes,
Speaker 7: so I gotta appreciate the process do that.
Speaker 2: And you're just such a great person regardless, like I
Speaker 2: think that that's the that's like the number one thing
Speaker 2: at the top of the list, especially for us. Daval
Speaker 2: and I we like you're just such a pleasure, a
Speaker 2: pleasure to be with. That that's why we want to
Speaker 2: keep you around. I mean, the work portion of it
Speaker 2: is work, you know, that's business, but you as a
Speaker 2: person is really what helps to keep this together because
Speaker 2: we want you in our space. So never doubt that.
Speaker 1: Can I jump in real quick, trible. You've never been
Speaker 1: a perfect producer, Yeah, but you've always been a really
Speaker 1: good person. Yes, and outside of like we joke a lot,
Speaker 1: all of us joke a lot. This is not a joke, bro,
Speaker 1: Nobody here has ever been perfect at their job. I
Speaker 1: fucked up as a whole site. We we fuck up
Speaker 1: all the time. I need you to just know that you,
Speaker 1: because of the person you are, shines through more people
Speaker 1: will give you opportunities than not. We chose to because
Speaker 1: of your character. It had nothing to do with the work,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. We're all not perfect.
Speaker 2: Worktuff we can work on, you know, but you can't
Speaker 2: replace the heart and the self and the energy of
Speaker 2: a person.
Speaker 7: Now that's something I do know. I always joke that
Speaker 7: I'm a personality higher every jobs.
Speaker 1: Absolutely yeah, absolutely yeah.
Speaker 2: And your personality will prevent you from being a fire.
Speaker 2: What you got for us, Josh, moment of truth and perfectionism.
Speaker 4: If you're listening and you sound like me, you really
Speaker 4: need to put yourself in an uncomfortable space to get
Speaker 4: to your next level, follow your dreams. All that. It's
Speaker 4: not eloquent, it's tough, And I'm talking to myself, but
Speaker 4: it's possible. I think men who are lesser than me
Speaker 4: as far as talent, have done it. So there's no excuse.
Speaker 4: So Josh, as a fact, I've seen in the photography space,
Speaker 4: not even don't you talk about with me? I won't
Speaker 4: cut you up. Barack Obama had had an interview where
Speaker 4: he talked about that. He said, at every level that
Speaker 4: he went to, you realized it was just like not
Speaker 4: that smart. They weren't smart. People are not And I've
Speaker 4: noticed that my so at every level that people aren't
Speaker 4: as as as affluent or or talented as you as
Speaker 4: you might think they would be. So Uh, anyone who
Speaker 4: listening it sounds like me, stop putting barriers or hurdles
Speaker 4: in your way. Run through, not lying through.
Speaker 2: Have a little audacity, y'all. Audacity goes a long way. Matt.
Speaker 3: What you got, Uh, prints are available, That's what I'm
Speaker 3: talking about.
Speaker 4: If you want a license photos.
Speaker 1: That's what I'm talking about.
Speaker 2: Period. You gotta plug your ship.
Speaker 7: Yeah, everybody listening to let's make sure we put this
Speaker 7: pressure on Matt like y'all have been putting. Go to
Speaker 7: that pair asking me if I started a business a
Speaker 7: long time ago it's mad.
Speaker 3: By time out, y'all go on the website follow that
Speaker 3: page too, or you can send it to a company
Speaker 3: who wants to license it so we can see it
Speaker 3: around the globe.
Speaker 1: Then do it.
Speaker 4: I love that.
Speaker 2: I guess my moment you kind of got inspired from Josh's.
Speaker 2: But there are folks out here that are doing way less,
Speaker 2: but they have consistency, they have audacity, they have nerve,
Speaker 2: they have the gall and they just be doing it
Speaker 2: and doing it consistently enough. Do not cheat the process
Speaker 2: because eventually, whatever it is, it's gonna hit. And that's
Speaker 2: me speaking to myself as well too, because I saw
Speaker 2: what locking into the process did for me recently, and
Speaker 2: it has completely changed my life. And I'm in my
Speaker 2: forties now, well at the top of the forties, in
Speaker 2: my forties, like I won toe in it. I'm forty one,
Speaker 2: but at this age, and I'm sure there's people who
Speaker 2: listen that are younger. We have so many younger listeners
Speaker 2: like don't wait, you can do it sooner and enjoy
Speaker 2: it longer.
Speaker 1: I agree, be uncomfortable. Josh brought up a real good
Speaker 1: point about all of the people we know who have
Speaker 1: done great things had they back against the wall, and
Speaker 1: a lot of times it's easier to take chances when
Speaker 1: your back is against the wall. Yeah, so these are
Speaker 1: all my parents who have kids. Stop making your kids
Speaker 1: life so comfortable, Kadeen Deval Mimi Pop, Like you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Like we all as parents, this generation
Speaker 1: of parents who have more than our parents, we got
Speaker 1: to stop making our kids life so comfortable so that
Speaker 1: they can take chances and be better than us.
Speaker 4: That's what Josh.
Speaker 1: You brought that to me because I didn't even think
Speaker 1: about the financial component and the fact that all those
Speaker 1: times I was hustling, I was freaking broke.
Speaker 2: Because you had nothing else happening at that moment. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it was all on you. Was this your topic today? Josh?
Speaker 2: Did you put this one in there?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 2: So we've been putting topics in the ring and in
Speaker 2: the group chat and stuff, and this was a good
Speaker 2: one for today. So Josh episode today, I know I
Speaker 2: need to hear from you. Okay, all right, y'all, be
Speaker 2: sure to find us on Patreon if you're not part
Speaker 2: of the gang yet, because we have the exclusive after
Speaker 2: show there, as well as more Ellis Family content, BTS,
Speaker 2: all that good stuff. That you want to see from us,
Speaker 2: and you can find us on social media at Elvis
Speaker 2: ever After. I am Kadeen, I am I am.
Speaker 3: Devaal matt Ellis Photo dot com, M A T T
Speaker 3: E L L I S P h O t O
Speaker 3: dot com.
Speaker 2: There you go, give him a lower third, bab.
Speaker 4: You double click on my fix at Joshua Underscore Dwayne.
Speaker 5: You can find me at tribs The Cool, t R
Speaker 5: I B b Z The Cool on Everything.
Speaker 1: And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to
Speaker 1: wait reviews such ribe and get your copy of We
Speaker 1: Over Me. It's still available now, y'all.
Speaker 2: It's everywhere.
Speaker 4: Baby Dad ass.
Speaker 7: Cut Ellis ever After is an iHeartMedia podcast. It's hosted
Speaker 7: by Kadeen and deval Ellis. It's produced by Triple Video,
Speaker 7: Production by Joshua, Dwayne and Matthew Ellis, video editing by
Speaker 7: Leshan rothe
Speaker 2: Sa