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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: The type of person that's having good sets on a

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Speaker 2: consistent basis is a person that trust themselves enough to

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Speaker 2: know what they want and feels confident enough to communicate it.

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Speaker 2: Who is in relationship sexual relationship with someone who is

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Speaker 2: willing to listen, willing to honor those requests at least

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Speaker 2: try or to find other ways to meet their sexual needs.

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Speaker 1: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 1: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 1: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 1: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 1: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 1: on iTunes and visit cultivatinghurspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 1: exclusive after show and other bonus from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 3: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 3: women like you. We're your hosts doctor Dominique Brussard, a

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Speaker 3: college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 4: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 4: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 4: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 4: five roids to fake friends, and create a safe space

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Speaker 4: where black women can just be.

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Speaker 2: Lady.

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Speaker 4: Today, we have a very special guest who's no stranger

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Speaker 4: to the podcast. She's been on not once, but twice.

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Speaker 4: You might remember her from season eight, episode eighteen, where

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Speaker 4: we discussed healing from racial trauma and tapping into sensuality.

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Speaker 4: But today we're diving into a whole new topic. Her

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Speaker 4: debut book, Good Sex, which is coming out soon. Doctor

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Speaker 4: Candace Nicole Hargins is an award winning Associate professor at

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Speaker 4: Emory University's Rawlin School of Public Health, where she studies

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Speaker 4: sexual wellness and deliberation. With over seventy published articles, doctor

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Speaker 4: Hargins has made substantial contributions to the field, positioning herself

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Speaker 4: as a leading authority in her discipline. Her innovative work

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Speaker 4: has been widely recognized and featured in major podcasts and

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Speaker 4: publications such as The Huffington Post, Essence, Good Healthkeeping, Women's Health, Belavity, Cosmopolitan,

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Speaker 4: and The New York Times. As a thought leader, doctor

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Speaker 4: Hargins continues to shape the conversation around sexual wellness and

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Speaker 4: advocating for liberation and wellness within marginalized communities. Doctor Candace

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Speaker 4: Nicole Hargins, welcome back to cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 5: Thank you for having me again.

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Speaker 1: Hey, y'all, Yes, you're so welcome.

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Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, we are so excited about this conversation.

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Speaker 3: So we're gonna start with our quote of the day, Yes,

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Speaker 3: which will sound familiar to you because it comes from

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Speaker 3: your social media.

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Speaker 5: And lady, if you have.

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Speaker 3: Not checked out doctor Kansas's Instagram page, you are missing out.

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Speaker 5: I mean the.

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Speaker 3: Questions that she poses, the conversation around sex, y'all, like,

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Speaker 3: get into it, like for real, get into it.

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Speaker 2: Amon enjoin us, y'all alone enjoying us us.

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Speaker 3: So our quote of the day, My book is giving

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Speaker 3: a nerdy black girl sex researcher with a ratchet brilliant

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Speaker 3: mind and oldest daughter becomes therapists vibes. All right now,

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Speaker 3: I'm gonna say that one more time for the folks

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Speaker 3: in the back, so that they really get a real

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Speaker 3: understanding of who you are. My book is giving nerdy

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Speaker 3: black girl sex researcher with a ratchet brilliant mind and

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Speaker 3: oldest daughter becomes therapists vibes.

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Speaker 5: Yes, you know, I.

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Speaker 3: Really personally identify and relate to that whole quote right now,

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Speaker 3: right right.

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Speaker 6: I knew somebody was going thel me when I wrote that.

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Speaker 6: I was like, there are so many knee versions out here. Yes, yes,

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Speaker 6: fully Resonate.

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Speaker 3: Cancer talks more about that particular quote and kind of

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Speaker 3: what we can expect to find in your book good Thing.

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Speaker 2: Yes. So the way I'm writing it is specifically positioning

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Speaker 2: myself as a black woman sex research. So that means

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Speaker 2: I had a robust black girlhood, right and the type

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Speaker 2: of black girlhood I had was being like the quirky,

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Speaker 2: nerdy black girl who liked to read.

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Speaker 5: But also was very much in the Little.

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Speaker 2: Kim and hip hop, and all of those pieces show

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Speaker 2: up in the book. You'll also see that because I'm

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Speaker 2: a licensed psychologist, my work as a therapist is central

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Speaker 2: because I share fictionalized accounts of client and research participants,

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Speaker 2: stories to give voice to some of the different ingredients

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Speaker 2: to the sex or the sex seasonings as I like.

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Speaker 5: To call them.

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Speaker 2: So building in this psychology framework, building in this researcher framework,

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Speaker 2: and grounding it all in black womanhood. But it's a

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Speaker 2: vibe that's accessible to anybody who relates to any one

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Speaker 2: of those components.

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Speaker 5: So it doesn't alienate anybody.

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Speaker 2: It kind of brings people in who've never had a

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Speaker 2: book that represented them.

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Speaker 4: That is so amazing and I just can't wait for

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Speaker 4: February twenty twenty five. I'm trying to get this book asap. Okay,

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Speaker 4: I need this about life.

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Speaker 5: So we're kind of pre order.

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Speaker 7: Okay, there you okay, boom lady, you hear that.

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Speaker 4: We'll add the link in the show notes you can

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Speaker 4: pre order your book. And Doctor Kendis, we talked about

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Speaker 4: having you on in twenty twenty. Can't believe that it's

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Speaker 4: been four years. We were talking about that before we

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Speaker 4: hit record, like, where's the time going? But tell us

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Speaker 4: what's happened in your life since that time? Because if

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Speaker 4: folks want your origin story, they have to go back

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Speaker 4: to season eight, episode one. But you can pick up

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Speaker 4: from that story and tell us, now, what's happened in

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Speaker 4: the past four years.

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Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, y'all. What didn't happen in the past

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Speaker 2: four years is the question. So I've had amazing successes,

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Speaker 2: I've had great losses and grief. It's been an up

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Speaker 2: and down ride in the past four years. And I

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Speaker 2: think that's the case for everybody who lived through the

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Speaker 2: iterations of COVID that we had all of the racial reckoning,

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Speaker 2: the presidency that January six, like, all kinds of stuff

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Speaker 2: happened right, but for me, like I became a tenured

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Speaker 2: professor at the University of Kentucky, I.

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Speaker 5: Had Yay, that's a big deal. That was a great deal.

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Speaker 2: I've had an ectopic pregnancy and subsequent reproductive trauma. I've

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Speaker 2: had a new baby. I have a nine month old.

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Speaker 2: You just turned nine months. I moved to Atlanta and

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Speaker 2: got up out of Kentucky. So just been doing so

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Speaker 2: many things, living life and trying to take it day

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Speaker 2: by day, which is not my tendency. I took to

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Speaker 2: be like the type of person that plans five years ahead.

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Speaker 2: But if anything, this time has taught me, especially we

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Speaker 2: were just talking about this carryan and kids. It's like,

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Speaker 2: you don't get to control everything, and so take that

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Speaker 2: thing day by day and be mindful of the moment

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Speaker 2: you're in. So I'm still working on that. I do

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Speaker 2: not have the answer this way.

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Speaker 7: Period.

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Speaker 5: Yes, yes, and none of us have the answers.

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Speaker 3: And if anything, these last four years have shown us

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Speaker 3: that life is going life regardless of what our intentions

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Speaker 3: may be what our plan may be. And so when

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Speaker 3: you think about all of the things that you have

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Speaker 3: experience over the last four years, what are some of

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Speaker 3: the biggest life lessons that you are taking away from

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Speaker 3: those experiences.

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Speaker 2: So certainly that one that being mindful of the moment

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Speaker 2: is important, getting inside my body again, being like owned

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Speaker 2: it and dosn't is really important. I think the one

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Speaker 2: that's been standing out for me, though, is that overwork

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Speaker 2: is not adapted. It's not functional for me anymore. Like

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Speaker 2: the more I pour into other roles in my life,

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Speaker 2: like being a mom and being a wife, the less

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Speaker 2: bandwidth I have for what used to be sixteen hour

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Speaker 2: days easy just like going, going, going, And I'm still

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Speaker 2: struggling with how to reel back the commitments that I've

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Speaker 2: made so that I can make room for the commitments

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Speaker 2: that I choose now. And that means disappointing people sometimes.

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Speaker 2: And I just you know, at the beginning we were

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Speaker 2: talking about older daughter becomes a therapist vibe. Older daughters

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Speaker 2: learned not to disappoint people really early on in life,

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Speaker 2: right because folks are relying on us. And it's like

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Speaker 2: dealing with that sense of even though I'm doing what's

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Speaker 2: the best interest of me and the people within my

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Speaker 2: care around not overworking has been probably the biggest lesson,

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Speaker 2: but my body and mind communicated to me, Hey girl, Hey,

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Speaker 2: you've had enough success to chill out for a moment.

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Speaker 5: So this is like.

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Speaker 2: A season of rest and recovery for me.

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Speaker 4: You are over here appreaching already, and I do. We're

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Speaker 4: going to dive into the questions that you know. How

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Speaker 4: we organize questions, but we let the spirit flow as well.

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Speaker 2: That's right.

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Speaker 7: So I want to listen. Listen.

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Speaker 4: I want to ask you when you talk about disappointing people, right,

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Speaker 4: I think I'm finally in the phase in life where

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Speaker 4: I'm finally especially having a child, it's easier to say no, right,

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Speaker 4: But I'm finally saying no a lot more. And Dom

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Speaker 4: and I both connected around being like the oldest and

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Speaker 4: you know, being parentified and all that. So we are

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Speaker 4: your people.

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Speaker 7: We we with you, grow up with you.

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Speaker 4: So I want to know what is some of those

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Speaker 4: what's the language that you been using these days? And

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Speaker 4: when you talk about the disappointment that other people experience

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Speaker 4: when you do say no, how are those conversations actually flowing?

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Speaker 4: Like what do you say in the moment once someone's like, oh,

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Speaker 4: doctor Candice, can you do this thing?

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Speaker 7: Or can you present here?

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Speaker 2: The requests are coming through email, which makes it a

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Speaker 2: little bit easier, right because I have a copy and

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Speaker 2: paste no. So I thought about it one time, how

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Speaker 2: I wanted to say that no, and then I can

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Speaker 2: copy and paste it and edit it based on whatever

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Speaker 2: the requested it is if I.

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Speaker 5: Know it's a no.

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Speaker 2: Another thing that one of my former therapists shared with

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Speaker 2: me was you need to pause before you commit to anything.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes I would jump into the yes because it sounded

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Speaker 2: like something I wanted to do. It's been much easier

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Speaker 2: for me to say no to the stuff I don't

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Speaker 2: want to do. But if it's like stuff I want

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Speaker 2: to do that don't actually have the capacity for, it's

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Speaker 2: like pause. You can feel the enthusiasm that you feel,

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Speaker 2: the gratitude that you've been invited or asked. Say I

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Speaker 2: would love to be considered at another time, but now

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Speaker 2: is not the best time because I'm prioritizing XYZ or

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Speaker 2: I'm at capacity right now, and so to respect my limits,

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Speaker 2: I have to decline. But here's somebody else I might recommend.

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Speaker 2: Those are some of the ways that I've been initiating it.

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Speaker 2: So if I'm saying yes to something, it's because I

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Speaker 2: really want to do it, and I've created the time

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Speaker 2: and space to be able to do it. And the

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Speaker 2: things I'm saying no to, and some things that I

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Speaker 2: said yes to before that I no longer can do.

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Speaker 2: I'm disinviting myself and saying, you know, actually there's something

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Speaker 2: I need to do tomorrow to say hey, I know

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Speaker 2: I said yes, but when I look at it, it

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Speaker 2: would stretch me beyond where I want to be stretched

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Speaker 2: to commit to this for next year.

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Speaker 8: Hey lady, it's Terry here, Dom and I want to

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Speaker 8: take a moment to thank you for choosing to listen

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Speaker 8: to our podcast. We love you for real, and we

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Speaker 8: want to give you a chance to learn more about

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Speaker 8: what's important to us. So tell us what you think about.

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Speaker 9: This world where you have a chance to get featured

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Speaker 9: on the Cultivating her Space podcast and share your business,

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Speaker 9: brand or perspective with millions around the globe. Imagine joining

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Speaker 9: our monthly virtual video check ins where you can connect

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Speaker 9: with like minded black women like you and share your

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Speaker 10: And or personal wins. How does that sound? Hopefully this

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Speaker 7: Love that so much.

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Speaker 5: Oh yes, I feel like.

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Speaker 3: We need a whole other episode on the professional way

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Speaker 3: to say no and said boundaries with in the workplace

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Speaker 3: like yes so, But speaking of learning to say no

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Speaker 3: and deciding what things you're going to say yes to,

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Speaker 3: I want to connect that to our sex lives. Yes, so,

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Speaker 3: how does what we take on, whether that's professionally or

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Speaker 3: socially or within our family, How do our commitments and

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Speaker 3: for some of us, maybe even burnout and stress impact

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Speaker 3: whether or not we're having good sex?

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Speaker 5: How do they not? Is the question?

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Speaker 2: Right? Imagine feeling raggedy at the end of the day

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Speaker 2: and then thinking that you won't have the energy to

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Speaker 2: bust a wide open like it's just you already told

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Speaker 2: up the tired you know what I mean? Everybody has

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Speaker 2: leached from you, just like nobody asks me for nothing else.

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Speaker 2: All I want to do is sleep and be left alone.

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Speaker 5: And you know this on the you know, like on

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Speaker 5: the workspace, people are like, hey.

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Speaker 7: Can you do?

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Speaker 5: Hey, can you do? And then the family.

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Speaker 2: Stuff is like man, I need or you are all

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Speaker 2: of your responsibilities. So if we're not balancing it in

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Speaker 2: a way where we have a good rhythm, we have

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Speaker 2: to be actively prioritizing good sex. And me and my

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Speaker 2: husband talk about this all the time because with the newborn,

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Speaker 2: you know, your priorities will shift understandably for a while

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Speaker 2: because you're doing so much care work. I love Emily

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Speaker 2: Negalacey's new book Come Together, because she talks about like

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Speaker 2: different wounds that you're in before you can get to

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Speaker 2: your lust and play passion room.

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Speaker 5: And if you're in a care room.

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Speaker 2: Like caretaking for kids, caretaking for elder parents or grandparents,

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Speaker 2: you know, it can be hard to get to your

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Speaker 2: lust or passion room. And so setting up time, dedicated

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Speaker 2: time where it's like we're going to be intimate with

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Speaker 2: each other. It may not turn into sex, but work

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Speaker 2: to touch and steal each other and see what happens

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Speaker 2: is a really good way to pourt an off that space.

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Speaker 2: That is really important because the benefits of having good sex,

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Speaker 2: the benefits to your body, to your skin, to your mood,

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Speaker 2: to your pleasure, to your joy are plentiful. Now it's

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Speaker 2: another thing that the sex ain't that good. Then nobody

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Speaker 2: really feels like creating time and space for that. And

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Speaker 2: that's something that can be worked out and talked about.

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Speaker 2: But if it is good when you finally get to it,

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Speaker 2: but you just feel so tired, it's tired to get

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Speaker 2: that initiation energy, people will underestimate the value of planning

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Speaker 2: for a good sex date. The one thing I always

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Speaker 2: say is, remember when you were young getting fresh together,

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Speaker 2: you and your partner knew and getting to know each other.

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Speaker 2: There was so much planning into what looked like spontaneous sex.

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Speaker 2: So you were getting wax and your hair was just right,

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Speaker 2: and you know you had the outfit underneath the date,

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Speaker 2: you know you were planning for that, and he was

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Speaker 2: making sure the apartment was planning setting up a little

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Speaker 2: romantic situation. We were planning for each other. But people

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Speaker 2: act like it's supposed to be spontaneous like in the movies,

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Speaker 2: and it's just not.

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Speaker 4: That's a good point, like managing our expectations, and like

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Speaker 4: you said, there, I didn't think about it that way.

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Speaker 4: But there is a lot of planning in the beginning,

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Speaker 4: and so we should definitely keep that up.

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Speaker 5: Now doesn't feel like planning, right, But it doesn't.

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Speaker 7: It's like it's like planning for a vacation, right.

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Speaker 4: It's like it's not we enjoyed planning the excursion and

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Speaker 4: doing all the things right now, I'm a little nosy.

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Speaker 4: I can't wait to get your answer to this question.

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Speaker 4: So a portion of your research focuses on the sex

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Speaker 4: lives of black people. So what is good sex according

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Speaker 4: to black people? What are they saying?

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Speaker 7: What do we say there?

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Speaker 3: Right?

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Speaker 5: I'm black, So what do we say there is?

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Speaker 2: There were twenty things that we came up with. We

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Speaker 2: surveyed over four hundred people, four hundred and fifty four

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Speaker 2: Black people who are diverse in age, gender, sexual identity,

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Speaker 2: body tight, hair, texture, color, like, we went weep right,

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Speaker 2: and we found that there were twenty ingredients. I call

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Speaker 2: them the good sex seasonings. So like the if you

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Speaker 2: think of like your sexual menu as having a bunch

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Speaker 2: of ingredients, the staples, like the behaviors, is like that's

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Speaker 2: the chicken, you know, that's the ribs. The seasonings are

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Speaker 2: like the seas, assault, the Lowrys, you know, things like that.

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Speaker 2: The seasonings for us are passion, intimacy, love, fun, pleasure, consense, communication, comfort, relaxation, sensuality.

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Speaker 5: Like there were there.

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Speaker 2: Were twenty things that we came up with that black

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Speaker 2: people identified as like, these are the things that make

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Speaker 2: up good sex. So I'm curious for y'all if you

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Speaker 2: had to say what good sex is in three words?

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Speaker 2: What three words come to mind for you?

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Speaker 5: Fun? Pleasure, joy, Oh yes, I love that.

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Speaker 7: Oh those are good.

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Speaker 4: Okay, I'm gonna say communication, spontaneity, and pleasure.

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Speaker 2: Okay, So we had pleasure on there for sure. Fun

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Speaker 2: was on there, for sure. Communication was on.

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Speaker 5: There for sure.

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Speaker 2: So y'all already mapping on to the good sexceeding days

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Speaker 2: and so many more kinky nasty that was on there,

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Speaker 2: you know, like there is nasty mysgianic way, you know.

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Speaker 4: Okay, Okay, that's good.

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Speaker 7: What if I shoot doctor Kansas? What are your what

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Speaker 7: are yours?

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Speaker 3: Right?

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Speaker 2: Based on the context, So every time I answered this question,

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Speaker 2: I'm probably thinking about it from a new standpoint, depending

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Speaker 2: on what the day is like. But for me, transcendence

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Speaker 2: I don't. I want to feel like I'm levitating.

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Speaker 11: You know, I.

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Speaker 5: Stopped around us.

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Speaker 7: It was just us, right, what's happening?

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Speaker 5: Where are we? Who am I? Okay? You pleasure for sure.

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Speaker 2: And this is the one that shifts from time to time.

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Speaker 2: Those are the ones that are pretty consistent. But I

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Speaker 2: would say like communicative, like being able to talk about

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Speaker 2: all of the things you like and you don't like

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Speaker 2: that for me makes good set.

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Speaker 7: Oh oh, I.

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Speaker 3: Can't wait till this one comes out. Oh my goshy'all. Okay,

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Speaker 3: so one, I do want to go back to pointing

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Speaker 3: out that you had over four hundred and fifty participants,

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Speaker 3: and lady, if you're listening, that is a huge deal.

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Speaker 3: Like it's sometimes when you're doing in particularly in academia,

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Speaker 3: when you're conducting research, sometimes it's a struggle to get

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Speaker 3: twenty five people right that.

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Speaker 11: So to have four hundred and fifty people participate in

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Speaker 11: a study about that, which a lot of times people

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Speaker 11: don't feel comfortable talking about in the first.

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Speaker 5: Place, that's amazing.

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Speaker 3: And I am just so excited to see what all

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Speaker 3: is revealed in your book. Now, we know as black

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Speaker 3: women coming up that there were a lot of things

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Speaker 3: that people told us about sex, whether it was something

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Speaker 3: that we saw on TV, read in a magazine, heard

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Speaker 3: our friends talk about, and we know as teenagers, so

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Speaker 3: much misinformation with the teenage crowd. Okay, but then that

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Speaker 3: misinformation oftentimes persists into adulthood. Yeah, and so what would

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Speaker 3: you say, based on the research that you've done, are

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Speaker 3: some of the common misperceptions that we have as a

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Speaker 3: community about sex.

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Speaker 2: I like to call this the unseasoned sex menu. Most

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Speaker 2: of us get. We get these messages early on in life,

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Speaker 2: but we don't realize where those messages come from because

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Speaker 2: our parents and our community members are the ones saying them,

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Speaker 2: but they predate them. So the unseasoned sex menu tends

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Speaker 2: to come from sixteenth century white, upper class heterosexual cis

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Speaker 2: gender men. And then those messages that they came up with,

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Speaker 2: those puritanical, passionless messages that they imposed on everybody else,

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Speaker 2: trickled down into the religions that many of us subscribe, to,

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Speaker 2: the media that many of us consume, the education systems

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Speaker 2: that many of us had to matriculate through the science

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00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:07,320
Speaker 2: the doctors like, so they set these scripts because they

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Speaker 2: have that institutional power, and then they get trickled down

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00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:15,320
Speaker 2: through all of these outlets until your mom is telling

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Speaker 2: you to keep your legs closed, until your grandfather saying, oh,

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00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:28,119
Speaker 2: she's fast, till your walking through your community and people

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Speaker 2: are talking about how many.

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Speaker 5: Bodies somebody has.

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Speaker 2: You know, like those messages from all of these outlets

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Speaker 2: come to bear on us as Black women in particular,

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Speaker 2: because we end up being a scapegoat for so many

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Speaker 2: sexual stereotypes.

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Speaker 5: And.

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Speaker 2: They use us as the like cautionary tale for everybody

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Speaker 2: else who like, see, you're going to end up pregnant,

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Speaker 2: You're going to end up on welfare, You're going to

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Speaker 2: end up all of these things that they assign to

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Speaker 2: sexually curious black girls, black women who are attuned to

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Speaker 2: certain types of sexual liberation as opposed to thinking about

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Speaker 2: what would it be like to create a world where

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Speaker 2: we all had access to healthy, good, pleasurable, joyful sexual

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Speaker 2: experiences in ways that were sacred and safe, and you

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Speaker 2: know that facilitated the type of intimacy we were looking for.

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Speaker 2: So it's so much easier to blame and shame black

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Speaker 2: girls in particular, but black people broadly, than it is

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Speaker 2: to recreate these systems and to talk back to the

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Speaker 2: original messengers. But that's the type of work I'm hoping

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Speaker 2: to do because when I talk about sexual liberation, I

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00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:51,080
Speaker 2: don't mean everybody's doing everything and everybody has to be

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Speaker 2: kapy or everybody has.

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Speaker 5: To be one way.

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Speaker 2: I mean that we get to decide what good sex

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Speaker 2: is to and for everybody involved, and that could mean

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Speaker 2: any number of things, as long as you're not imposing

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Speaker 2: those values on other people and not doing anything that's

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00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:09,000
Speaker 2: outside of consent.

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00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:14,080
Speaker 4: Oh, that is so good and so powerful, right right,

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00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:17,280
Speaker 4: I'm just like mic Drop, mic Drop, I would love

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00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:19,639
Speaker 4: to know when you when you talked about body count

440
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:21,639
Speaker 4: and you were talking about sexual liberation, it made me

441
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,720
Speaker 4: think about some of the misconceptions and just some of

442
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,639
Speaker 4: the the ways in which people are not living fully

443
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,000
Speaker 4: when it comes to sex. And so, what advice do

444
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:32,040
Speaker 4: you have for someone. Let's have there's like a you know,

445
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:36,040
Speaker 4: a person listening and I know you've probably heard this before, right,

446
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:39,840
Speaker 4: So let's just give a hypothetical. Right, So she's had

447
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:43,119
Speaker 4: four partners in her life and she really wants to

448
00:27:43,119 --> 00:27:45,000
Speaker 4: have sex with this new guy, but she's like, oh,

449
00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:47,359
Speaker 4: my body count. I kind of want to circle back

450
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:50,680
Speaker 4: to that toxic X with the good sex because I

451
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:52,320
Speaker 4: just want to keep my number at four so I

452
00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:54,480
Speaker 4: could save the five, you know, make the fifth one

453
00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:56,760
Speaker 4: my husband. Right, What advice do you have for people

454
00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:59,240
Speaker 4: with that perspective? Because I get it. I've been there

455
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:01,480
Speaker 4: as well, and so I'd love to know what you

456
00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:02,919
Speaker 4: think about that.

457
00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:06,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, I would start with inherent worthiness. And I think

458
00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:09,359
Speaker 2: we talked about this the first time around, right, But

459
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:12,520
Speaker 2: it applies in the sexual context, just like it applies

460
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:16,160
Speaker 2: in feeling racial trauma, just like it applies in many

461
00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:20,639
Speaker 2: of the things that we talk about. Do you feel

462
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:25,920
Speaker 2: like you're somehow more worthy having four than five partners?

463
00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:28,720
Speaker 2: And if so, where did you get that messaging from?

464
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:31,040
Speaker 2: Are you more worthy of a husband if you have

465
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:34,240
Speaker 2: four partners than five? Who told you that?

466
00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:37,240
Speaker 5: Let's unpack where they were coming from.

467
00:28:37,119 --> 00:28:40,959
Speaker 2: When they shared that message, And would you say that

468
00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:45,040
Speaker 2: to your daughter or your sister or your cousin? And

469
00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:47,920
Speaker 2: if you would, what would be the point? What are

470
00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:50,720
Speaker 2: you trying to protect them from? Now? If a person

471
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:53,400
Speaker 2: is making a decision not to have sex with someone

472
00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:56,880
Speaker 2: new because it's aligned with their values, because they don't

473
00:28:56,920 --> 00:28:59,160
Speaker 2: feel ready, because they want to take some time to

474
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:02,400
Speaker 2: get to know that person, and more cool. But if

475
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:04,840
Speaker 2: you're not having sex with somebody because you think it

476
00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:08,120
Speaker 2: gives you more value than other human beings who have

477
00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:12,760
Speaker 2: had sex with fifteen twenty fifty one hundred people, then

478
00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:18,800
Speaker 2: you're just contributing to oppression, internalized and external. If you

479
00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:21,520
Speaker 2: think there is a human hierarchy of value based on

480
00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:25,240
Speaker 2: how many people you had sex with, then you've bought

481
00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:29,680
Speaker 2: into some forms of oppression. And so how do you

482
00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:32,360
Speaker 2: let that go first for yourself so that you can

483
00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:36,040
Speaker 2: get free and then you won't allow it to be

484
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:41,320
Speaker 2: imposed on other people, either indirectly by you saying, you know,

485
00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:43,600
Speaker 2: saying something like that to a friend and that friend

486
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:47,239
Speaker 2: thinking well, shoot, I already had ten, so what does

487
00:29:47,280 --> 00:29:51,000
Speaker 2: that make me? Or you know, someone coming up behind

488
00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:53,920
Speaker 2: you who was like, well, I'm curious about sex, but

489
00:29:54,040 --> 00:29:56,560
Speaker 2: don't get too many bodies, and now they feel like

490
00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:59,520
Speaker 2: they have such a shame and taboo around their designs.

491
00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:02,040
Speaker 7: Thank you?

492
00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:02,720
Speaker 5: That is so.

493
00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:08,360
Speaker 3: I yes, I love that response because working on a

494
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:18,440
Speaker 3: college campus and talking to black women's students, ooh yes,

495
00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:23,480
Speaker 3: that idea of liberation and then constantly having to fight

496
00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:28,440
Speaker 3: against that right. I you know, I wish we.

497
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:29,800
Speaker 5: Had this when we were in college.

498
00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:35,200
Speaker 3: So I think you know, on one hand, I'm I'm so,

499
00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:41,440
Speaker 3: I'm grateful to you for doing this research and helping

500
00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:46,880
Speaker 3: to push that sexual liberation, particularly for black folks, is

501
00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:53,000
Speaker 3: so important because we also know that once Black folks

502
00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:59,440
Speaker 3: feel sexually liberated, everybody else is gonna start to feel

503
00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:02,760
Speaker 3: the same because we know how they imitate everything we do.

504
00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:06,840
Speaker 3: And that's a whole other topics, whole other topics. But yeah,

505
00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:11,440
Speaker 3: but it is. I am, yeah, it is. And so

506
00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:17,239
Speaker 3: when you think about this research and this work that

507
00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:23,360
Speaker 3: you're doing, what are like the top five things that

508
00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:28,000
Speaker 3: you wish more Black women knew about sex?

509
00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:36,920
Speaker 2: That sex should be pleasurable and not painful. And some

510
00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:40,520
Speaker 2: of the research I've done with one of my favorite collaborators,

511
00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:44,760
Speaker 2: doctor Shumika Thorp, we study sexual pain among Black women,

512
00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:46,560
Speaker 2: and a lot of Black women think they need to

513
00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:51,800
Speaker 2: rent and bear it. Not tell their partners because they

514
00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:54,640
Speaker 2: don't want to place any additional burden on him, not

515
00:31:54,760 --> 00:32:00,000
Speaker 2: tell their healthcare providers because they understand that they shouldn't.

516
00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:04,080
Speaker 2: We always trust their healthcare providers. And so there are

517
00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:06,920
Speaker 2: a lot of Black women experiencing sexual pain because we

518
00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:12,920
Speaker 2: are overrepresented in like reproductive challenges, fybroids, endometriosis, stuff like that.

519
00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:16,520
Speaker 2: So if sex is painful to you, the first thing

520
00:32:16,720 --> 00:32:22,920
Speaker 2: is to seek resources, trusted resources, and you will have

521
00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:26,040
Speaker 2: to exercise some vulnerability to disclose that pain so that

522
00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:28,040
Speaker 2: you can get the support and care that you need.

523
00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:34,360
Speaker 2: Number Two, you are inherently worthy, and there's nothing about

524
00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:37,640
Speaker 2: your sex life that can change that. If you've experienced

525
00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:41,960
Speaker 2: sexual trauma or victimization, you're still inherently worthy. If you've

526
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,920
Speaker 2: never had sex a day in your life, you're still

527
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:46,920
Speaker 2: inherently worthy. If you had sex every day since you've

528
00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:47,880
Speaker 2: been sexually.

529
00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:48,920
Speaker 5: Active, you're inherently worthy.

530
00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:52,960
Speaker 2: All of those things are true, and so if you

531
00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:55,760
Speaker 2: operate in your sex life out of a sense of

532
00:32:55,800 --> 00:33:00,120
Speaker 2: inherent worthiness that it's immovable, then you are going to

533
00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:05,520
Speaker 2: to attract more sexual pleasure and good sex. Number Three,

534
00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:09,560
Speaker 2: I want us to all be really clear about the

535
00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:13,040
Speaker 2: type of sex education we got, the type of sex

536
00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:16,640
Speaker 2: education we wish we would have. Because to the point

537
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:21,280
Speaker 2: that y'all made earlier, my sex d was Osmo magazine

538
00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:27,360
Speaker 2: and Holy Bible and like a mix of a porn

539
00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:31,920
Speaker 2: stash that I found and like hip hop from the

540
00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:35,600
Speaker 2: nineties and just all kinds of stuff that was not

541
00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:41,480
Speaker 2: giving accurate, medically clear message. Right, So imagine the type

542
00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:46,800
Speaker 2: of sense ad that little you needed, that our kids

543
00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:52,080
Speaker 2: need and advocate for that. Most of us live in

544
00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:54,760
Speaker 2: most black women not y'all y'all on the listolls, but

545
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:59,000
Speaker 2: most black women live in states where the sex ed

546
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:03,040
Speaker 2: is abstinence only, and that type of sex ed does

547
00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:07,040
Speaker 2: not promote healthy sex or well being. People think that

548
00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:10,080
Speaker 2: if you tell folks not to have sex that it's

549
00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:13,080
Speaker 2: going to help, and it's not. So we need comprehensive

550
00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:16,960
Speaker 2: sex ad advocate for that with your speed. The fourth

551
00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:22,600
Speaker 2: thing is know that you want sexually. I ask everybody

552
00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:26,279
Speaker 2: to do a yes, no, maybe sole list. So your

553
00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:31,000
Speaker 2: yes column is like, yes, all of the things that

554
00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:33,600
Speaker 2: I have tried before that I know, I like all

555
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:35,480
Speaker 2: things that I've never tried, but I know I want

556
00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:37,719
Speaker 2: to try it when I get a chance. Your no

557
00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:41,000
Speaker 2: list is like, absolutely not because I tried it once

558
00:34:41,040 --> 00:34:44,239
Speaker 2: and I'll never got to try it again. Or I

559
00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:46,839
Speaker 2: need to try that because I'm very clear that that's

560
00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:50,080
Speaker 2: not for me. And then your maybe soule list is like,

561
00:34:50,160 --> 00:34:52,200
Speaker 2: you know, it depends on the context.

562
00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:56,360
Speaker 5: Am I in Jamaica? You know what kind of situation

563
00:34:56,560 --> 00:34:57,080
Speaker 5: is going on?

564
00:34:57,400 --> 00:35:00,560
Speaker 2: Was the vibe that's your maybe, so list I want

565
00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:03,680
Speaker 2: all black women to do that type of lilist for

566
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:06,279
Speaker 2: themselves before you even share with a partner. Do it

567
00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:09,120
Speaker 2: for you so that you know what you like, what

568
00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:12,160
Speaker 2: you want, and then you're better able to ask for

569
00:35:12,239 --> 00:35:15,520
Speaker 2: that one, invite somebody into that experience when you get ready.

570
00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:20,000
Speaker 2: And the last one is please don't be afraid of masturbation.

571
00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:27,080
Speaker 2: In my listen, in my study, we asked the black women.

572
00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:29,200
Speaker 2: We as black men and black women, but we have

573
00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:31,640
Speaker 2: a paper on black women, will be asked them what

574
00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:35,320
Speaker 2: were the messages they received about masturbation? And so many

575
00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:39,120
Speaker 2: of us got the message is sinful, it's shameful, it's taboo,

576
00:35:40,719 --> 00:35:43,280
Speaker 2: scaring us effectively.

577
00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:45,120
Speaker 5: Out of getting to know our sexual.

578
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:48,239
Speaker 2: Selves when we needed to before we allow somebody else

579
00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:50,759
Speaker 2: to get to know it for us. So, even as

580
00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:53,920
Speaker 2: grown women, a lot of us are still exploring, like

581
00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:58,400
Speaker 2: the fear around what it mean if I masturbated, I

582
00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:01,239
Speaker 2: don't want to become addicted to this or like all

583
00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:05,680
Speaker 2: of these messages that you hear, explore your sexual self

584
00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:09,560
Speaker 2: and solo sex is a really important part of that.

585
00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:15,040
Speaker 5: It sure is that it's good for your health. Yes

586
00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:21,280
Speaker 5: it is. Oh my gosh, I have so many follow

587
00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:24,680
Speaker 5: up questions. Please put on that spot.

588
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:25,920
Speaker 7: Okay.

589
00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:27,920
Speaker 3: So one of the questions that came up as you

590
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:33,920
Speaker 3: were sharing was what has your research shown about sex

591
00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:38,759
Speaker 3: as we ate? Because I think about what sex was

592
00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:44,080
Speaker 3: like in my twenties and how it changed in my thirties,

593
00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:47,160
Speaker 3: and then what it looks like now in my forties,

594
00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:50,279
Speaker 3: and then I think about women who are older than

595
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:55,719
Speaker 3: I am and what sex may or may not look

596
00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:56,439
Speaker 3: like for them.

597
00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:03,480
Speaker 2: It depends. It's really interesting because for some women I'm

598
00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:06,399
Speaker 2: in my forties as well. For some women, it's the

599
00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:11,240
Speaker 2: time where they have become more comfortable with themselves, more

600
00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:14,520
Speaker 2: confident in who they are, more willing to ask for

601
00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:17,359
Speaker 2: what they want, and so the sex has gotten better

602
00:37:17,480 --> 00:37:21,239
Speaker 2: and better. For some women, especially those who are going

603
00:37:21,280 --> 00:37:25,160
Speaker 2: through the symptoms of menopause or paery menopause, it's become

604
00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:27,680
Speaker 2: a little bit more difficult. They might not experience the

605
00:37:27,719 --> 00:37:31,799
Speaker 2: same level of lubrication, so it's time to increase use

606
00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:35,560
Speaker 2: of external loops or you know, different sex aids that

607
00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:38,160
Speaker 2: can bring it back to the goodness that it was.

608
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:41,760
Speaker 2: And all of those things are normal. For some people,

609
00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:44,759
Speaker 2: it's a season where they're like, you know, I've been

610
00:37:44,800 --> 00:37:47,680
Speaker 2: having sex out of obligation for a long time. I

611
00:37:47,719 --> 00:37:50,719
Speaker 2: don't want sex with nobody for a minute, like I'm

612
00:37:50,719 --> 00:37:54,799
Speaker 2: in my abstinence season. And that's perfectly fine too. That's

613
00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:58,399
Speaker 2: sexual liberation too. All of these things can happen as

614
00:37:58,440 --> 00:38:02,800
Speaker 2: we age, but quiet as it's character, or maybe not quiet.

615
00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:09,240
Speaker 2: STI rates and elder homes are up and stuck because

616
00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:12,520
Speaker 2: a lot of elders are getting it in, right, A

617
00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:15,319
Speaker 2: lot of black elders and elders of all races and

618
00:38:15,360 --> 00:38:18,359
Speaker 2: backgrounds are getting it in. But they never had good

619
00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:22,120
Speaker 2: sex bad right, so they didn't know about you need

620
00:38:22,120 --> 00:38:25,040
Speaker 2: to use condoms even though you can no longer co create,

621
00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:27,600
Speaker 2: like because STIs affect you too.

622
00:38:28,120 --> 00:38:28,239
Speaker 5: Like.

623
00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:31,319
Speaker 2: Those are some of the things that helped me keep

624
00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:34,520
Speaker 2: advocating for good such across the lifespan.

625
00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:38,600
Speaker 5: Not it's up and it stuck.

626
00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:39,200
Speaker 3: I love that.

627
00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:41,000
Speaker 5: I've been telling people for decades.

628
00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:45,160
Speaker 3: I remember learning that that in undergrad that in my

629
00:38:45,239 --> 00:38:49,520
Speaker 3: lifespan development class that the elders were having sex, they

630
00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:52,200
Speaker 3: was getting it in in the nursing homes and as

631
00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:55,600
Speaker 3: ci raates were worse than on college campuses, and I

632
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:58,440
Speaker 3: was like, your nest and we.

633
00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:05,080
Speaker 7: Okay, I wrapped the thing up, like.

634
00:39:05,680 --> 00:39:13,040
Speaker 3: Ohh And I was like, there's cool. So I can

635
00:39:13,200 --> 00:39:16,399
Speaker 3: be something years old and.

636
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:17,279
Speaker 1: Still get it in.

637
00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:23,239
Speaker 5: A good time.

638
00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:25,800
Speaker 7: Okay, okay, we're gonna wrap it up exactly, exactly. We

639
00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:26,719
Speaker 7: gonna wrap that thing up.

640
00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:27,319
Speaker 2: Now.

641
00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:30,000
Speaker 4: Got a couple of questions for you. Can't just because

642
00:39:30,120 --> 00:39:32,320
Speaker 4: as you were talking, I actually wrote down some new questions.

643
00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:33,560
Speaker 4: I was like, hold up, I got to ask this.

644
00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:35,759
Speaker 4: I don't want to lose it. So, as a mom

645
00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:37,919
Speaker 4: in my mid thirties, right, I am entering this new

646
00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:39,680
Speaker 4: era of sexual liberation.

647
00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:41,239
Speaker 7: And I am loving this ship.

648
00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:45,120
Speaker 4: But I'm also mindful about my three year old daughter

649
00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:49,120
Speaker 4: and what she sees in me and how I you know,

650
00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:52,200
Speaker 4: just how she how I move on this journey with

651
00:39:52,239 --> 00:39:52,920
Speaker 4: her watching me.

652
00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:55,200
Speaker 7: And so I'm trying to figure out how can I.

653
00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:58,440
Speaker 4: Embrace my sexual liberation while being conscious of the example

654
00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:00,279
Speaker 4: I said for her. So I'm trying to figure out

655
00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:02,280
Speaker 4: my stance on this now. So I would love your insight.

656
00:40:02,360 --> 00:40:05,239
Speaker 4: This is a very personal question. I love your insights. Shit,

657
00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:07,160
Speaker 4: I'm trying to manage my perspective on this. So that

658
00:40:07,200 --> 00:40:09,239
Speaker 4: I can feel good about how I move forward. So

659
00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:10,560
Speaker 4: what are your thoughts on that? And I have a

660
00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:11,439
Speaker 4: follow up after that?

661
00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:17,040
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, I start with especially when they're conscious enough

662
00:40:17,080 --> 00:40:21,960
Speaker 2: to have language consent, so you practicing consent with her

663
00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:26,880
Speaker 2: is like a first rate step for anybody that's on

664
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:31,480
Speaker 2: their sexual liberation journey in parity as well, asking permission

665
00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:34,280
Speaker 2: to touch her body like hey, I need to clean

666
00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:36,239
Speaker 2: this part, this is what I want to touch or

667
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:39,000
Speaker 2: would you like a hug? Would you like a kiss?

668
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:42,319
Speaker 2: Her listening to that and knowing that even the person

669
00:40:42,400 --> 00:40:46,080
Speaker 2: who loves me most is asking, is set in the

670
00:40:46,160 --> 00:40:51,920
Speaker 2: template where nobody better impose themselves, right, because asking is

671
00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:57,360
Speaker 2: what is normal. You deciding where you know you're feeling

672
00:40:57,560 --> 00:41:00,760
Speaker 2: like your sexual liberation can look any number or ways,

673
00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:02,799
Speaker 2: but there are certain things that you're like, okay, is

674
00:41:02,800 --> 00:41:04,640
Speaker 2: this developmentally appropriate for her?

675
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:05,560
Speaker 5: Or your witness to.

676
00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:11,279
Speaker 2: Trusting your intuition around that, like you know what you

677
00:41:11,440 --> 00:41:13,680
Speaker 2: don't want to expose your child to, and so that

678
00:41:13,840 --> 00:41:17,040
Speaker 2: those might be things that you have a private space

679
00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:21,239
Speaker 2: for or set time for, or you have them, you

680
00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:24,279
Speaker 2: know with other members of the community the village up ones,

681
00:41:24,680 --> 00:41:27,960
Speaker 2: so you can explore what you want to explore more freely,

682
00:41:28,320 --> 00:41:31,040
Speaker 2: and then there are seasons where it's like, Okay, I

683
00:41:31,080 --> 00:41:34,560
Speaker 2: still desire this thing. I fantasize about it, but you know,

684
00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:37,279
Speaker 2: for the next few months, I'm kind of in this

685
00:41:37,400 --> 00:41:39,160
Speaker 2: particular mode of parenting.

686
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:42,440
Speaker 5: So I'll revisit that in the summer, or I'll revisit

687
00:41:42,520 --> 00:41:43,560
Speaker 5: that at this time.

688
00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:45,960
Speaker 2: So there are ways that you can approach it where

689
00:41:46,640 --> 00:41:48,680
Speaker 2: if you feel like, you know, you want the whole

690
00:41:48,680 --> 00:41:51,000
Speaker 2: house to yourself, you explore some things in that way.

691
00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:53,200
Speaker 2: It's like, Okay, who do I trust to be in

692
00:41:53,239 --> 00:41:56,200
Speaker 2: my community? Who can take her for a few hours

693
00:41:56,280 --> 00:41:59,400
Speaker 2: or a day? And I got this, you know, But sometimes,

694
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:04,120
Speaker 2: like you know, well, you're prioritizing some other pieces of life.

695
00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:06,600
Speaker 2: And that's what the sex is about. Knowing that it's

696
00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:10,360
Speaker 2: not always in flow. Sometimes it's in an ad and

697
00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:12,400
Speaker 2: that's just normal. Right.

698
00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:14,600
Speaker 4: I love to answer thank you so much, and it

699
00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:16,760
Speaker 4: sounds like we're on the right track. But the consent

700
00:42:16,800 --> 00:42:19,200
Speaker 4: and the communication because we talk about boundaries and all

701
00:42:19,200 --> 00:42:21,400
Speaker 4: that stuff, so that's really helpful and I love it

702
00:42:21,520 --> 00:42:25,360
Speaker 4: for our Oh my goodness, Like literally, she she'll say no,

703
00:42:25,440 --> 00:42:28,280
Speaker 4: thank you, Mommy and Daddy. Boundaries and like we're like, Okay,

704
00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:31,400
Speaker 4: that's good. That's what we want to hear. So that's awesome.

705
00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:33,640
Speaker 4: Now as far as the next question, right, when it

706
00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:36,880
Speaker 4: comes to young people finding spaces to embrace their sexual

707
00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:41,000
Speaker 4: liberation while also being protected from predators, what is your

708
00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:43,560
Speaker 4: perspective on that? Because I have a couple examples. I'm

709
00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:46,960
Speaker 4: thinking about young people, whether they're like you know, toddlers

710
00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:49,359
Speaker 4: or middle school or high school, and they're exploring their

711
00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:51,279
Speaker 4: they want to explore their bodies, right, which is normal

712
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:54,560
Speaker 4: as a human. Or I think about dance, right, I

713
00:42:54,560 --> 00:42:56,680
Speaker 4: think about you know, I go to a Turk class

714
00:42:56,760 --> 00:42:59,480
Speaker 4: and sometimes they'll have younger girls there who are dancing.

715
00:42:59,560 --> 00:43:00,200
Speaker 7: I don't even know.

716
00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:02,880
Speaker 4: I haven't even gotten to the space where I've formed

717
00:43:02,880 --> 00:43:04,600
Speaker 4: an opinion on how I thought about my daughter being

718
00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:06,120
Speaker 4: in a space like that. But I want to know, like,

719
00:43:06,360 --> 00:43:08,440
Speaker 4: what is your perspective on a young person trying to

720
00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:11,920
Speaker 4: explore their sexual liberation but keeping them safe Because we

721
00:43:11,960 --> 00:43:13,600
Speaker 4: already know there's a lot of creeps out here.

722
00:43:13,680 --> 00:43:18,080
Speaker 2: So I think the intervention on perpetrators needs to be

723
00:43:18,120 --> 00:43:22,399
Speaker 2: focused on perpetrators. Yes, you know, so I think that

724
00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:26,640
Speaker 2: little girls should be allowed to dain as shade things

725
00:43:26,640 --> 00:43:32,279
Speaker 2: that are culturally African like movements that are culturally like

726
00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:35,560
Speaker 2: relevant for us. We should be allowed to do and

727
00:43:35,840 --> 00:43:38,799
Speaker 2: we should be in a community setting where you know,

728
00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:41,000
Speaker 2: people step in if they see somebody looking at a

729
00:43:41,000 --> 00:43:44,920
Speaker 2: little girl all you know, like those That's that's what

730
00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:45,440
Speaker 2: I think.

731
00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:47,239
Speaker 5: The safeguards need to be. So I don't think it's.

732
00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:51,000
Speaker 2: About changing the behavior of little girls or little boys

733
00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:54,759
Speaker 2: for that matter, especially if you're little boys, but changing

734
00:43:55,000 --> 00:43:59,480
Speaker 2: the behavior of the bystanders and the perpetrators. Like if

735
00:43:59,480 --> 00:44:03,800
Speaker 2: you you know that there's a cousin or uncle who's

736
00:44:03,840 --> 00:44:07,120
Speaker 2: on bull get them together, you know.

737
00:44:07,600 --> 00:44:09,000
Speaker 5: And I love being it.

738
00:44:09,080 --> 00:44:11,839
Speaker 2: I'm actually thinking about this as I prepare to write

739
00:44:11,840 --> 00:44:16,319
Speaker 2: a grant around sexual violence prevention. It's like, there are

740
00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:19,040
Speaker 2: men in my community that I trust to stand in

741
00:44:19,120 --> 00:44:21,520
Speaker 2: the gap around that. They just need a little bit

742
00:44:21,520 --> 00:44:23,799
Speaker 2: of extra training about what they're supposed to say or

743
00:44:23,800 --> 00:44:26,440
Speaker 2: how they need to do it. But stay ready, they.

744
00:44:26,320 --> 00:44:28,319
Speaker 5: Stay ready to get ready, you know what I mean.

745
00:44:28,360 --> 00:44:31,080
Speaker 2: And so it's like, hey, hey, B so and so

746
00:44:31,160 --> 00:44:33,560
Speaker 2: over there, my daughter was trying to walk home from school,

747
00:44:33,560 --> 00:44:37,480
Speaker 2: and so and over there was harassing, you mind, pulling

748
00:44:37,560 --> 00:44:39,640
Speaker 2: up on some young men. Not that you got to

749
00:44:39,680 --> 00:44:41,920
Speaker 2: be violent and like take them out, but just let

750
00:44:41,960 --> 00:44:44,720
Speaker 2: me know. Hey, bro, we're not gonna roll like that.

751
00:44:44,719 --> 00:44:46,920
Speaker 2: That's why I'm gonna treat little girls in our community.

752
00:44:47,480 --> 00:44:49,839
Speaker 2: So if she's walking home and she has short song

753
00:44:49,880 --> 00:44:52,719
Speaker 2: because it's hot out, you will be respectful when she

754
00:44:52,760 --> 00:44:56,000
Speaker 2: walks by. I want to see that type of intervention

755
00:44:56,200 --> 00:44:59,400
Speaker 2: in our community, right, So that can be little girls

756
00:44:59,480 --> 00:45:02,080
Speaker 2: and they don't have to protect themselves.

757
00:45:02,440 --> 00:45:04,359
Speaker 7: Yes, oh, I love that so much.

758
00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:06,880
Speaker 5: Yes, Oh my gosh.

759
00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:07,240
Speaker 1: Yes.

760
00:45:07,920 --> 00:45:15,040
Speaker 3: And as you're saying that, you also mentioned queer little boys, right,

761
00:45:15,080 --> 00:45:21,480
Speaker 3: And so I think about our family in the LGBTQI

762
00:45:21,800 --> 00:45:25,640
Speaker 3: plus community, and so far our conversation has been kind

763
00:45:25,680 --> 00:45:31,160
Speaker 3: of centered around like heterosexual experiences, and so I want

764
00:45:31,200 --> 00:45:34,760
Speaker 3: to talk a little bit about what has your research

765
00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:40,040
Speaker 3: shown around non heterosexual sextual dynamic.

766
00:45:41,719 --> 00:45:41,959
Speaker 5: Yeah.

767
00:45:42,040 --> 00:45:48,520
Speaker 2: I think that queer people in particular have the gift

768
00:45:48,719 --> 00:45:54,080
Speaker 2: of already transgressing heteronalalativity. So they're already like, you know,

769
00:45:54,200 --> 00:45:57,839
Speaker 2: I don't abide by these scripts that say I'm a man,

770
00:45:57,920 --> 00:46:00,279
Speaker 2: I'm supposed to behave this way, I'm a woman to

771
00:46:00,320 --> 00:46:02,239
Speaker 2: behave this way. I'm supposed to like somebody live. It's

772
00:46:02,280 --> 00:46:06,399
Speaker 2: like this, and because of that, their sexual outcomes tend

773
00:46:06,440 --> 00:46:09,880
Speaker 2: to be better as far as pleasure, as far as satisfaction,

774
00:46:10,160 --> 00:46:13,400
Speaker 2: as far as passion. Now on the other side, and

775
00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:16,120
Speaker 2: this is the pushback I often get, Folks say, well,

776
00:46:16,160 --> 00:46:20,680
Speaker 2: their sexual health outcomes are worse around STIs And I'm like,

777
00:46:20,840 --> 00:46:24,040
Speaker 2: that's because we live in a hetero sexist society. But

778
00:46:24,160 --> 00:46:27,520
Speaker 2: we live in a society where they're not affording healthcare,

779
00:46:27,680 --> 00:46:32,000
Speaker 2: where they're disrespected and mistreated, discriminated against. That's not because

780
00:46:32,040 --> 00:46:35,600
Speaker 2: of the behaviors, because we are talking about a relatively

781
00:46:35,640 --> 00:46:39,839
Speaker 2: small pool of people, right. So I think that when

782
00:46:39,840 --> 00:46:41,840
Speaker 2: it comes to for example, one of the things I

783
00:46:41,880 --> 00:46:46,840
Speaker 2: study is the orgasm death. If we know that heterosexual

784
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:51,000
Speaker 2: women are only experiencing orgasms sixty five percent of the

785
00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:54,839
Speaker 2: time at their last sexual encounter, but lesbian women are

786
00:46:54,840 --> 00:46:58,080
Speaker 2: experiencing it eighty six percent of the time, then that

787
00:46:58,160 --> 00:47:01,440
Speaker 2: says something about what it means to be a sexually

788
00:47:01,480 --> 00:47:05,120
Speaker 2: marginalized person and what it gives you access to in

789
00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:10,920
Speaker 2: the ability to explore, to know the glitterists, to grow

790
00:47:11,239 --> 00:47:17,400
Speaker 2: in your sexual self making without feeling confined to a

791
00:47:17,560 --> 00:47:20,000
Speaker 2: narrow way to be. So I think that there are

792
00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:23,120
Speaker 2: a lot of gifts that are your communities could share

793
00:47:23,120 --> 00:47:25,160
Speaker 2: with us with people who are willing to listen, and

794
00:47:25,200 --> 00:47:27,680
Speaker 2: the people who are shutting me down out of discuss

795
00:47:28,320 --> 00:47:30,879
Speaker 2: or moralization are missing out.

796
00:47:31,800 --> 00:47:33,400
Speaker 7: And is this conversation okay?

797
00:47:33,920 --> 00:47:35,840
Speaker 4: But what we know we're getting close to time or

798
00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:37,480
Speaker 4: we're like, we have more questions, but we're going to

799
00:47:37,560 --> 00:47:39,799
Speaker 4: be mindful of the time. But I wanted to ask

800
00:47:39,920 --> 00:47:44,239
Speaker 4: about just any other topic question or just anything we

801
00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:46,040
Speaker 4: haven't covered yet that you're like, well, I really want

802
00:47:46,040 --> 00:47:48,360
Speaker 4: to talk about this before we close out or anything

803
00:47:48,400 --> 00:47:50,920
Speaker 4: people have not been asking you and your interviews that

804
00:47:50,920 --> 00:47:52,640
Speaker 4: you really want to just hold space for.

805
00:47:53,960 --> 00:47:56,840
Speaker 2: One thing I want to hold space for is around

806
00:47:57,440 --> 00:48:03,200
Speaker 2: the desired description, see and frequency question. I get that

807
00:48:03,280 --> 00:48:06,640
Speaker 2: one the most. So a lot of folks are like,

808
00:48:06,880 --> 00:48:09,719
Speaker 2: you know, what is enough sex? How much sex should

809
00:48:09,760 --> 00:48:12,560
Speaker 2: I be having? Because when I talk about this, it it's like, oh,

810
00:48:12,760 --> 00:48:15,239
Speaker 2: you know how much should it be? Am I deficient?

811
00:48:15,400 --> 00:48:18,200
Speaker 2: Am I an adequate? Am I doing too much? Am

812
00:48:18,200 --> 00:48:23,239
Speaker 2: I propulsive? And it's like what is enough for you?

813
00:48:23,239 --> 00:48:25,680
Speaker 2: You really have to decide what that is. And then

814
00:48:25,680 --> 00:48:28,600
Speaker 2: if you are in partnership with someone, what is enough

815
00:48:28,880 --> 00:48:32,600
Speaker 2: for them? And if there is a discrepancy there you

816
00:48:32,680 --> 00:48:35,000
Speaker 2: want to talk about that next level because there always

817
00:48:35,040 --> 00:48:37,799
Speaker 2: will be, like most partners aren't just equally matched one

818
00:48:37,880 --> 00:48:40,480
Speaker 2: hundred percent of the time. Usually you go like this,

819
00:48:40,680 --> 00:48:43,520
Speaker 2: Sometimes it stays like this normal to have this side

820
00:48:43,560 --> 00:48:46,719
Speaker 2: of discrepancy. But if it is, what are some of

821
00:48:46,760 --> 00:48:51,200
Speaker 2: the things that sex provides to you, maybe that you

822
00:48:51,280 --> 00:48:54,960
Speaker 2: can understand what those needs are behind the safe Sometimes

823
00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:58,719
Speaker 2: it's pleasure, Sometimes I want connections, sometimes I want affirmation.

824
00:48:58,880 --> 00:49:00,520
Speaker 5: Sometimes I want to do it competent.

825
00:49:00,920 --> 00:49:03,719
Speaker 2: You know, like there are like lots of reasons that

826
00:49:03,760 --> 00:49:06,480
Speaker 2: people have sex, and so if you know the reasons,

827
00:49:06,520 --> 00:49:09,200
Speaker 2: the things that underlie it, you can get through those

828
00:49:09,239 --> 00:49:12,799
Speaker 2: seasons of discrepancy by meeting those needs in other ways

829
00:49:12,920 --> 00:49:15,759
Speaker 2: and not thinking about it from an ethical nomb And

830
00:49:15,760 --> 00:49:17,759
Speaker 2: now I can be standpoint, even though that's often for

831
00:49:17,880 --> 00:49:20,640
Speaker 2: some people, but more so thinking about, like, what are

832
00:49:20,640 --> 00:49:23,200
Speaker 2: some other ways I can meet your need to feel competent,

833
00:49:23,360 --> 00:49:25,799
Speaker 2: or to feel loved, or to feel like you know,

834
00:49:25,960 --> 00:49:28,359
Speaker 2: I see you or I care for you if I'm

835
00:49:28,400 --> 00:49:31,160
Speaker 2: not in the mood sexually, Because what I want most

836
00:49:31,200 --> 00:49:33,840
Speaker 2: of all is for everybody to say yes, and you

837
00:49:33,960 --> 00:49:36,759
Speaker 2: want yes and know when they want them and not

838
00:49:36,920 --> 00:49:39,400
Speaker 2: feel like you have to do something out of obligation

839
00:49:40,160 --> 00:49:45,279
Speaker 2: or pressure or coercion or force, but because you're really

840
00:49:45,280 --> 00:49:47,920
Speaker 2: in agreement with it, and that even if you feel

841
00:49:47,960 --> 00:49:50,759
Speaker 2: a sense of like I'm disappointed, like you talked about

842
00:49:50,800 --> 00:49:52,840
Speaker 2: in the beginning, that I don't get to have this

843
00:49:52,960 --> 00:49:56,040
Speaker 2: experience with you in this way, but I see that

844
00:49:56,120 --> 00:49:58,759
Speaker 2: you're willing to meet my need in other ways or

845
00:49:58,920 --> 00:50:02,279
Speaker 2: try or you know. So, I think that's one of

846
00:50:02,320 --> 00:50:05,839
Speaker 2: the things that comes up time and time again as

847
00:50:05,840 --> 00:50:08,880
Speaker 2: it relates to frequency. There is no too much or

848
00:50:09,400 --> 00:50:13,080
Speaker 2: too little. It really does depend on the person. I

849
00:50:13,120 --> 00:50:17,279
Speaker 2: can say the research suggests that once a week is

850
00:50:17,400 --> 00:50:21,040
Speaker 2: about the amount where you don't see any additional benefits

851
00:50:21,040 --> 00:50:23,719
Speaker 2: if you have sex more than once a week. You

852
00:50:23,920 --> 00:50:27,120
Speaker 2: do see declines if you have it less than once

853
00:50:27,160 --> 00:50:31,520
Speaker 2: a week, but not significant. So that is like the

854
00:50:32,160 --> 00:50:36,920
Speaker 2: common figure that you get. But like all research, that's

855
00:50:37,040 --> 00:50:41,160
Speaker 2: a specific sample and at a specific time point. And

856
00:50:41,239 --> 00:50:43,200
Speaker 2: so you might be in a season of life where

857
00:50:43,200 --> 00:50:46,040
Speaker 2: it's like it's every day and it's on site, and

858
00:50:46,160 --> 00:50:47,960
Speaker 2: you might be in a season of life where it's like,

859
00:50:49,800 --> 00:50:51,960
Speaker 2: you know, a monk would buy, but I want a

860
00:50:52,000 --> 00:50:55,680
Speaker 2: real high quality sexual experience as opposed to frequent, regular

861
00:50:56,000 --> 00:50:57,760
Speaker 2: mid sexual experiences.

862
00:50:58,000 --> 00:50:59,640
Speaker 5: So I'm fine with that.

863
00:51:01,760 --> 00:51:04,080
Speaker 7: Now's your facial expression.

864
00:51:04,560 --> 00:51:06,000
Speaker 5: Because nobody wants that mid.

865
00:51:06,280 --> 00:51:09,279
Speaker 4: Okay, nobody wants that need.

866
00:51:10,680 --> 00:51:15,160
Speaker 3: You want the good sects, But I do want to

867
00:51:15,239 --> 00:51:22,600
Speaker 3: acknowledge that while we all want good SECT, it would

868
00:51:22,640 --> 00:51:26,480
Speaker 3: seem to me that a lot of people are getting

869
00:51:27,600 --> 00:51:35,400
Speaker 3: mid or let's not even rank, it effects experiences.

870
00:51:36,040 --> 00:51:36,720
Speaker 2: And so.

871
00:51:38,120 --> 00:51:40,759
Speaker 3: From your research, what are you seeing in terms of

872
00:51:40,840 --> 00:51:46,200
Speaker 3: how many how many of us are surely getting good

873
00:51:46,320 --> 00:51:50,520
Speaker 3: SECT on a regular, consistent basis.

874
00:51:51,800 --> 00:51:55,600
Speaker 2: It's not as how many as it is what type

875
00:51:55,600 --> 00:51:59,279
Speaker 2: of person. The type of person that's having sets on

876
00:51:59,360 --> 00:52:04,200
Speaker 2: a consistent basis is a person that trust themselves enough

877
00:52:04,640 --> 00:52:08,880
Speaker 2: to know what they want and feels confident enough to

878
00:52:09,040 --> 00:52:14,360
Speaker 2: communicate it. Who is in relationship sexual relationship with someone

879
00:52:14,680 --> 00:52:18,319
Speaker 2: who is willing to listen, willing to honor those requests

880
00:52:18,520 --> 00:52:22,239
Speaker 2: at least try or to find other ways to meet

881
00:52:22,239 --> 00:52:24,839
Speaker 2: their sexual needs if some of the things they want

882
00:52:24,920 --> 00:52:30,200
Speaker 2: off the table. They're willing to be reciprocal with each

883
00:52:30,239 --> 00:52:35,319
Speaker 2: other and equitable and not think that sex is all

884
00:52:35,360 --> 00:52:39,040
Speaker 2: about one person or the other person, but a shared experience.

885
00:52:39,480 --> 00:52:42,360
Speaker 2: So those are the people who are having good sex

886
00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:46,439
Speaker 2: most of the time, and everybody has a whack day,

887
00:52:46,800 --> 00:52:50,239
Speaker 2: like that's a normal thing to have a whack sex day.

888
00:52:51,040 --> 00:52:54,440
Speaker 2: Totally human, totally normal. But if you find that most

889
00:52:54,440 --> 00:52:57,400
Speaker 2: of their sexual experiences are like that, there might be

890
00:52:57,480 --> 00:52:59,239
Speaker 2: time to see house and resources.

891
00:53:00,040 --> 00:53:02,319
Speaker 4: Oh my goodness, I will say I feel I don't

892
00:53:02,320 --> 00:53:04,360
Speaker 4: know about I'm pretty sure you too will agree with this,

893
00:53:04,440 --> 00:53:06,840
Speaker 4: but I feel so blessed to be in this age

894
00:53:06,840 --> 00:53:11,200
Speaker 4: that we're in of truth and knowledge and unlearning, because

895
00:53:11,239 --> 00:53:12,759
Speaker 4: I think I think back to what you were saying

896
00:53:12,800 --> 00:53:14,880
Speaker 4: about masturbation when I was younger, and I was like,

897
00:53:14,880 --> 00:53:17,440
Speaker 4: oh my gosh, this is I felt so disgusting, like this,

898
00:53:17,520 --> 00:53:19,880
Speaker 4: I can't do this, even though I was desiring that.

899
00:53:19,920 --> 00:53:22,040
Speaker 4: And I remember times where I would have sex with somebody,

900
00:53:22,640 --> 00:53:25,920
Speaker 4: some personal I'm like, I wish I could take that

901
00:53:25,960 --> 00:53:28,040
Speaker 4: back and I could have just I could have just

902
00:53:28,120 --> 00:53:32,880
Speaker 4: you know, did my thing, you know, yeah, right for

903
00:53:32,960 --> 00:53:36,560
Speaker 4: you exactly. And so I just think about the importance

904
00:53:36,680 --> 00:53:39,000
Speaker 4: of this work that you're doing, Candice, and so thank

905
00:53:39,000 --> 00:53:42,080
Speaker 4: you so much for their research. I'm sure that this

906
00:53:42,120 --> 00:53:44,880
Speaker 4: has taken blood, tweat and tears. I'm sure there's so

907
00:53:44,960 --> 00:53:48,400
Speaker 4: much sacrifice behind the scenes that people don't see, and

908
00:53:48,480 --> 00:53:50,400
Speaker 4: so thank you. I feel like I'm getting emotional, but

909
00:53:50,400 --> 00:53:52,719
Speaker 4: thank you. This is so important because sex is such

910
00:53:52,719 --> 00:53:54,279
Speaker 4: a big part of our lives and I think the

911
00:53:54,320 --> 00:53:57,319
Speaker 4: more clarity we have and the more resources, the more

912
00:53:57,400 --> 00:54:00,680
Speaker 4: language we have around it, the more powerful experiences and

913
00:54:00,719 --> 00:54:02,480
Speaker 4: community will be. And I think you said this on

914
00:54:02,920 --> 00:54:04,560
Speaker 4: I'm looking at your instagram, Apayer. I think you may

915
00:54:04,560 --> 00:54:06,480
Speaker 4: have said this on Instagram, how the world will be

916
00:54:06,520 --> 00:54:08,680
Speaker 4: a better place if people have more good sex or

917
00:54:08,719 --> 00:54:09,680
Speaker 4: something along those lines.

918
00:54:09,719 --> 00:54:10,480
Speaker 5: Is that right?

919
00:54:10,880 --> 00:54:13,120
Speaker 7: Yes? Can you tell us more about that statement?

920
00:54:13,880 --> 00:54:18,080
Speaker 2: Yes, because Okay, we're living in a dumpster fire right

921
00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:20,720
Speaker 2: now when we know that politically.

922
00:54:21,440 --> 00:54:25,000
Speaker 5: The world is in wars plural.

923
00:54:26,239 --> 00:54:33,040
Speaker 2: On our home front and internationally we have so much strife, trauma,

924
00:54:33,280 --> 00:54:37,080
Speaker 2: grief and loss, and so there are plenty of people

925
00:54:37,160 --> 00:54:39,680
Speaker 2: who are activists and they're fighting a good fight, and

926
00:54:39,719 --> 00:54:41,960
Speaker 2: they're doing all of this only to turn around and

927
00:54:42,080 --> 00:54:46,880
Speaker 2: go home to abuse or neglect or.

928
00:54:48,640 --> 00:54:49,279
Speaker 5: Intimacy.

929
00:54:50,600 --> 00:54:54,399
Speaker 2: I believe in intimate justice as the playing field where

930
00:54:54,440 --> 00:54:55,040
Speaker 2: I'm going to be.

931
00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:56,279
Speaker 5: The best liberation work.

932
00:54:56,800 --> 00:54:58,960
Speaker 2: And y'all know, when we talked the last time, I

933
00:54:59,000 --> 00:55:02,560
Speaker 2: was really focusing on racial justice and liberation, and I

934
00:55:02,600 --> 00:55:05,000
Speaker 2: still think that's a part of it, but I'm approaching

935
00:55:05,040 --> 00:55:08,880
Speaker 2: it now from the standpoint of intimate justice, what happens

936
00:55:09,080 --> 00:55:13,319
Speaker 2: between the people you care about most, because many of

937
00:55:13,360 --> 00:55:15,520
Speaker 2: us aren't ready to have the conversation that if you

938
00:55:15,960 --> 00:55:17,680
Speaker 2: and your family members.

939
00:55:17,360 --> 00:55:19,759
Speaker 5: Can't figure it out, you probably ain't ready to.

940
00:55:19,719 --> 00:55:22,040
Speaker 2: Be out in the streets telling other people how to

941
00:55:22,120 --> 00:55:24,960
Speaker 2: run countries. You know what I mean, Like, if you

942
00:55:25,719 --> 00:55:29,920
Speaker 2: and your partner are still working through some things in

943
00:55:29,960 --> 00:55:33,680
Speaker 2: your intimate life, then it's probably not time for you

944
00:55:33,760 --> 00:55:38,080
Speaker 2: to run the city council and govern a whole region

945
00:55:38,360 --> 00:55:40,480
Speaker 2: of the city, you know, Like, there are certain places

946
00:55:40,520 --> 00:55:43,680
Speaker 2: where we need to begin and get things right in

947
00:55:43,920 --> 00:55:47,920
Speaker 2: that space. So I really am focusing on intimate justice,

948
00:55:48,680 --> 00:55:52,080
Speaker 2: how we treat each other in our care based relationships

949
00:55:52,360 --> 00:55:56,000
Speaker 2: first and then from that foundation. If you are in

950
00:55:56,040 --> 00:56:02,880
Speaker 2: an intimately just pace with the people in your immediate sphere,

951
00:56:03,360 --> 00:56:05,880
Speaker 2: you have so much power and good sex is a

952
00:56:05,880 --> 00:56:10,000
Speaker 2: part of that. So if your sex life looks erotically equitable,

953
00:56:10,400 --> 00:56:14,920
Speaker 2: right like the giving and taken is getting everybody is

954
00:56:14,920 --> 00:56:18,799
Speaker 2: committed to each other's joy and pleasure, you are in

955
00:56:18,840 --> 00:56:22,479
Speaker 2: an empowered space to do all kinds of transformation work,

956
00:56:22,600 --> 00:56:26,240
Speaker 2: like the energy of the erotics shout out to Audrey

957
00:56:26,280 --> 00:56:32,560
Speaker 2: Lord has transformed worlds, right, you can create human life

958
00:56:32,680 --> 00:56:34,480
Speaker 2: if you want to from that. So when you have

959
00:56:34,760 --> 00:56:39,080
Speaker 2: that space together, you have so much more power to

960
00:56:39,120 --> 00:56:42,799
Speaker 2: do the change making. But a lot of us are

961
00:56:42,800 --> 00:56:48,520
Speaker 2: coming into the resistance movements, a larger resistance movement movements,

962
00:56:48,560 --> 00:56:54,480
Speaker 2: so wounded having not healed, even family familial relationships, Like

963
00:56:54,680 --> 00:56:57,240
Speaker 2: there's so much energy that could be used there before

964
00:56:57,280 --> 00:57:00,399
Speaker 2: you try to take on these global things. So that's

965
00:57:00,440 --> 00:57:03,760
Speaker 2: where I'm dedicating my work right now. That's the season

966
00:57:03,840 --> 00:57:06,080
Speaker 2: I'm in personally in professional.

967
00:57:08,040 --> 00:57:16,600
Speaker 3: Oh, intimacy, justice, Oh yes, okay, all right, back of Kansas.

968
00:57:16,760 --> 00:57:20,200
Speaker 3: This conversation, Oh my gosh, Like, first of all, the

969
00:57:20,280 --> 00:57:26,200
Speaker 3: time has flown by, right, and we could still keep going.

970
00:57:27,000 --> 00:57:30,560
Speaker 3: I like, there's more questions, more conversation that can be had.

971
00:57:31,240 --> 00:57:33,240
Speaker 3: But we also want to be mindful of your time

972
00:57:34,160 --> 00:57:36,560
Speaker 3: and your capacity and all that you do.

973
00:57:36,960 --> 00:57:40,120
Speaker 5: And so for.

974
00:57:40,160 --> 00:57:44,240
Speaker 3: Our listeners, we already said your book is coming out

975
00:57:44,600 --> 00:57:50,280
Speaker 3: February twenty twenty five. How can they connect with you?

976
00:57:50,360 --> 00:57:55,000
Speaker 3: Where can they find you on social media? How can

977
00:57:55,080 --> 00:57:57,920
Speaker 3: if they want to participate in your research. Is that

978
00:57:58,000 --> 00:58:00,720
Speaker 3: an option for them would tell us how we can

979
00:58:00,760 --> 00:58:02,880
Speaker 3: be involved with you.

980
00:58:03,040 --> 00:58:03,440
Speaker 7: Nice?

981
00:58:03,640 --> 00:58:05,760
Speaker 2: Okay, So where I want to be found.

982
00:58:06,400 --> 00:58:08,640
Speaker 5: You can find me on.

983
00:58:08,200 --> 00:58:13,840
Speaker 2: My website doctorkandice nippole dot com. I have an overview

984
00:58:14,040 --> 00:58:17,200
Speaker 2: of my research, and I have a roop where you

985
00:58:17,200 --> 00:58:22,240
Speaker 2: can pre order Good Sex on the book on either

986
00:58:22,320 --> 00:58:26,160
Speaker 2: Amazon or my bookshop. I have a bookshop called good

987
00:58:26,200 --> 00:58:29,480
Speaker 2: Sex Books, and I share tons of different books about

988
00:58:29,520 --> 00:58:32,200
Speaker 2: good sex. So if you like this conversation, you can

989
00:58:32,240 --> 00:58:35,760
Speaker 2: see what my reading list basically is and select any

990
00:58:35,840 --> 00:58:39,160
Speaker 2: number of those that's on my website. You can find

991
00:58:39,160 --> 00:58:45,560
Speaker 2: me on Instagram, Facebook, or threads. That's where I share

992
00:58:45,600 --> 00:58:49,200
Speaker 2: some of these questions we talked about invite conversations. I

993
00:58:49,240 --> 00:58:53,920
Speaker 2: have a nice small community of people like discussing sex

994
00:58:54,040 --> 00:58:56,760
Speaker 2: and thinking through some of these things, and so it's

995
00:58:56,800 --> 00:58:59,920
Speaker 2: really nice to have a curated community of people on

996
00:59:00,160 --> 00:59:01,960
Speaker 2: this journey with me. I share a lot about what

997
00:59:02,040 --> 00:59:04,200
Speaker 2: it means and what it's like to write a book

998
00:59:04,240 --> 00:59:09,720
Speaker 2: and stuff like that. I'm thinking about the research question

999
00:59:09,800 --> 00:59:12,360
Speaker 2: that you ask because I just got awarded a really

1000
00:59:12,400 --> 00:59:16,320
Speaker 2: big grant, my first big one from NIH when I'm

1001
00:59:16,320 --> 00:59:21,200
Speaker 2: studying black and white women in sexual functioning, so how

1002
00:59:21,360 --> 00:59:25,640
Speaker 2: we function based on our relationship dynamics in a world

1003
00:59:25,760 --> 00:59:31,120
Speaker 2: that is experiencing gendered racism and patriarchy and heteronmativity and

1004
00:59:31,160 --> 00:59:35,000
Speaker 2: all of that. And so for the first part of it,

1005
00:59:35,320 --> 00:59:39,600
Speaker 2: I won't need participants for reserving using a panel book.

1006
00:59:39,600 --> 00:59:41,400
Speaker 5: For the second part, I'm.

1007
00:59:41,200 --> 00:59:44,520
Speaker 2: Going to be interviewing Black women in their partners and

1008
00:59:44,560 --> 00:59:48,600
Speaker 2: I'll be interviewing one hundred black women. So stay tuned

1009
00:59:48,680 --> 00:59:53,760
Speaker 2: on my social media and my website because when it's

1010
00:59:53,840 --> 00:59:56,920
Speaker 2: that time, and I want black women who are partnered

1011
00:59:56,960 --> 01:00:02,120
Speaker 2: with black women, black men, non black women, non black men,

1012
01:00:02,560 --> 01:00:06,080
Speaker 2: like I want to get the full landscape of black

1013
01:00:06,120 --> 01:00:09,760
Speaker 2: women and our partners so that we can understand how

1014
01:00:09,760 --> 01:00:13,720
Speaker 2: to have better sex interventions for Black women in particularly.

1015
01:00:14,760 --> 01:00:17,160
Speaker 4: Oh my goodness, I am so excited for all this,

1016
01:00:17,280 --> 01:00:19,960
Speaker 4: doctor Kennedy. We're going to be following your journey. I'm

1017
01:00:19,960 --> 01:00:22,960
Speaker 4: going to pre order THEO tonight, and we are just

1018
01:00:23,000 --> 01:00:24,680
Speaker 4: wishing the best on this whole journey. We can't wait

1019
01:00:24,680 --> 01:00:26,919
Speaker 4: to have you back on once closer to your book

1020
01:00:26,960 --> 01:00:28,840
Speaker 4: launch so we can kind of remind people like, let's

1021
01:00:28,840 --> 01:00:30,880
Speaker 4: go get the book, y'all. So thank you so much.

1022
01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:34,040
Speaker 4: We appreciate you. Thank you for spending your time with us,

1023
01:00:34,080 --> 01:00:35,640
Speaker 4: for the work again, for the work that you're doing

1024
01:00:35,680 --> 01:00:37,640
Speaker 4: in the world, and we will definitely be in touch.

1025
01:00:38,520 --> 01:00:38,920
Speaker 5: Thank you.

1026
01:00:38,960 --> 01:00:44,120
Speaker 2: Almost drop the link here so you can see where

1027
01:00:44,160 --> 01:00:48,320
Speaker 2: to order it. Order it on bookshop because that's my

1028
01:00:48,440 --> 01:00:49,560
Speaker 2: little stool.

1029
01:00:50,040 --> 01:00:52,960
Speaker 7: Perfect. There we go, We got the link. We'll add

1030
01:00:52,960 --> 01:00:55,400
Speaker 7: that to the show news. Thank you so much, Candice.

1031
01:00:55,240 --> 01:00:58,919
Speaker 5: Thank you y'all. Have a good night, you too, You too.

1032
01:00:59,800 --> 01:01:04,360
Speaker 3: Care Hey lady, it's doctor dom here from the Cultivating

1033
01:01:04,360 --> 01:01:08,320
Speaker 3: her Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the

1034
01:01:08,320 --> 01:01:13,520
Speaker 3: state of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey. Well,

1035
01:01:13,560 --> 01:01:17,760
Speaker 3: if so, please reach out to me at doctor Dominique

1036
01:01:17,760 --> 01:01:22,480
Speaker 3: Brusard dot com. That's d R D O M I

1037
01:01:23,320 --> 01:01:27,880
Speaker 3: N I q U E B R O U S

1038
01:01:28,200 --> 01:01:33,000
Speaker 3: s ar D dot com to schedule a free fifteen

1039
01:01:33,040 --> 01:01:38,400
Speaker 3: minute consultation. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks

1040
01:01:38,440 --> 01:01:42,520
Speaker 3: for joining us today. Please note that our show may

1041
01:01:42,560 --> 01:01:49,160
Speaker 3: contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, and mental health,

1042
01:01:49,560 --> 01:01:52,439
Speaker 3: but is by no means meant to be a substitute

1043
01:01:52,520 --> 01:01:56,960
Speaker 3: for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained mental health provider.

1044
01:01:57,720 --> 01:02:00,480
Speaker 3: If you are someone you know is in need of

1045
01:02:00,520 --> 01:02:04,080
Speaker 3: mental health care, please visit a Therapy for Black Girls

1046
01:02:04,120 --> 01:02:09,280
Speaker 3: directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider.

1047
01:02:09,680 --> 01:02:11,320
Speaker 8: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

1048
01:02:11,320 --> 01:02:15,440
Speaker 8: the conversation going, visit our website at herspacepodcast dot com

1049
01:02:15,720 --> 01:02:17,800
Speaker 8: and be sure to click the Patreon link to get

1050
01:02:17,800 --> 01:02:21,680
Speaker 8: access to video content, bonuses, and our weekly after show

1051
01:02:22,240 --> 01:02:26,160
Speaker 8: and before we meet again, repeat after me. I am

1052
01:02:26,200 --> 01:02:33,000
Speaker 8: a magnet for positivity, attracting joy, love and success effortlessly