WEBVTT - Ep. 364 Compromising Kinks 0:00:02.600 --> 0:00:04.240 Guess what decision We're about to make? 0:00:04.760 --> 0:00:05.840 Horrible decision? 0:00:08.280 --> 0:00:09.160 How do everybody? 0:00:09.520 --> 0:00:11.440 We are the Horrible Decisions Podcast and we are going 0:00:11.480 --> 0:00:13.760 to be in Dallas, Texas Memorial Day weekend, which is 0:00:13.760 --> 0:00:16.880 a Sunday. We're gonna be headlining the two Togetherland Festival 0:00:17.000 --> 0:00:17.880 and you bitch is better than I. 0:00:17.880 --> 0:00:20.040 How no motherfucker work on Sunday? Call out? 0:00:20.079 --> 0:00:20.159 Ho? 0:00:21.239 --> 0:00:23.279 I mean you can do that. But also it's a 0:00:23.320 --> 0:00:25.840 three day weekend. They have Monday off. We will see 0:00:25.840 --> 0:00:28.840 you guys in Dallas, Texas at the together Land Festival. 0:00:29.160 --> 0:00:31.120 Make sure you get your tickets now. We will be 0:00:31.760 --> 0:00:35.440 live on the podcast stage. That's May twenty six. Get 0:00:35.440 --> 0:00:39.720 your tickets now at togetherland dot com. 0:00:40.080 --> 0:00:44.839 Hey guys, welcome to another episode of four Blad. This 0:00:45.080 --> 0:00:45.760 is yours. 0:00:46.680 --> 0:00:50.239 I'm your girl, Mady b aka dead Beach. Hi, everybody, 0:00:50.479 --> 0:00:51.600 welcome back for another episode. 0:00:51.640 --> 0:00:54.600 I'm weezy. We are in the studio today with no guests. 0:00:54.840 --> 0:00:57.040 Ooh, I know y'all happy, Go ahead and play with 0:00:57.080 --> 0:00:58.480 y'all pussy now, beach. 0:00:59.280 --> 0:01:02.320 Uh you looking at me like that? Okay? Okay, well 0:01:02.320 --> 0:01:03.600 if you at word, don't play with yo pussy. 0:01:04.080 --> 0:01:08.000 By the way, speaking of work, I have had people 0:01:08.080 --> 0:01:10.399 like on set be like, oh, you're a podcaster, what's 0:01:10.400 --> 0:01:13.120 your podcast called? And the second they click on something 0:01:13.560 --> 0:01:16.440 like we curse so much in the forty first forty 0:01:16.480 --> 0:01:20.000 five seconds, I'm like, I can't imagine how y'all feel 0:01:20.000 --> 0:01:21.080 when your headphones die. 0:01:21.640 --> 0:01:24.199 I mean, do we just curse right now? Go ahead 0:01:24.240 --> 0:01:25.840 and play with Joe pussy beach. 0:01:30.240 --> 0:01:35.280 Birth though, yeah, see's anatomy pre and bitch is a 0:01:35.319 --> 0:01:38.880 female name for a dog, so both of those are 0:01:39.040 --> 0:01:41.280 technically yeah, it's giving signs. 0:01:41.840 --> 0:01:44.280 Noah, Okay, you're right. 0:01:44.560 --> 0:01:47.160 I think that we should. We both recorded a lot 0:01:47.200 --> 0:01:48.320 the next time we in the studio. 0:01:48.360 --> 0:01:50.160 You're worse than me, I'm gonna work on it is 0:01:50.200 --> 0:01:51.600 Mandy worse than me? Who curses one? 0:01:52.360 --> 0:01:56.640 Thank you? Thank you? I like, well, who would you say? 0:01:59.760 --> 0:02:00.120 What? Ho? 0:02:01.400 --> 0:02:04.000 Whoa? I feel like it's here the oh there. I 0:02:04.160 --> 0:02:05.639 really don't think that you say. 0:02:05.680 --> 0:02:07.880 Nigga a lot when we have a white guess and 0:02:07.920 --> 0:02:09.880 it's and it advites you. I don't think there should 0:02:09.880 --> 0:02:15.079 be a nigga I wanna say nigga counter, not the 0:02:15.520 --> 0:02:18.639 not the nothing you are. No, I was gonna say 0:02:18.800 --> 0:02:22.440 a nigga counter. You know what a nigga counter. I 0:02:22.480 --> 0:02:24.720 don't think we need a nigga. A nigga clock on 0:02:24.760 --> 0:02:26.840 how many nigga times you got. But I'm just saying, 0:02:26.840 --> 0:02:28.440 we have white guests and you say nigga, I'll be saying. 0:02:28.440 --> 0:02:30.359 They're like, okay, I'm not gonna lie. I only catch 0:02:30.440 --> 0:02:32.200 myself as it's coming out. Then I'm just like, fuck, 0:02:32.240 --> 0:02:33.639 I already said it, So I'll be. 0:02:33.600 --> 0:02:34.480 Thinking of not to say that. 0:02:34.720 --> 0:02:36.280 When we was with Julie Ginger and he was like, 0:02:36.360 --> 0:02:38.359 cause these niggas, I was like, now she'll say it back. 0:02:38.400 --> 0:02:39.400 So here's the thing I do. 0:02:39.520 --> 0:02:42.200 I do do what it little tis because they talk 0:02:42.400 --> 0:02:44.200 a little bit too comfortable, and if they say the 0:02:44.200 --> 0:02:46.000 ship next to us, we're gonna have to clot the ass. 0:02:46.880 --> 0:02:49.760 Actually, now that i'm thinking about it, puck their butts, 0:02:49.919 --> 0:02:52.400 I'm gonna try not to curse. I say it, okay. 0:02:52.480 --> 0:02:54.960 So like the volume in which I say nigga in 0:02:54.960 --> 0:02:58.040 front of white people is really up to their proximity 0:02:58.080 --> 0:03:00.760 to other niggas. For example, Rory, I don't get scared 0:03:00.760 --> 0:03:03.200 about saying niggas with Liz Goldwyn. I give her one 0:03:03.240 --> 0:03:08.560 or two, okay, because I'm just like, I know your 0:03:08.560 --> 0:03:10.480 other friends they like, and I'll be like, I'll let 0:03:10.480 --> 0:03:12.200 me cho. But when I'm real passionate about something and 0:03:12.240 --> 0:03:13.520 I'm like about to cry and we talk about Man 0:03:13.600 --> 0:03:15.160 or South, I'll be like, you no niggas just and 0:03:15.200 --> 0:03:17.720 she don't care obviously because she too. But with Rory, 0:03:17.760 --> 0:03:20.640 I feel like you listen to like music every day. 0:03:21.120 --> 0:03:22.800 Mall be like no, no, no, no no no, So 0:03:22.880 --> 0:03:25.400 it's okay. I mean, Julian definitely can't say nick. 0:03:25.639 --> 0:03:29.840 For me. It's really hard because not I only fuck 0:03:29.960 --> 0:03:33.480 with niggas. Like if I'm talking about men, there ain't 0:03:33.480 --> 0:03:35.800 no cracking, so they know I'm not gonna start naming 0:03:35.840 --> 0:03:36.760 all the words. 0:03:36.440 --> 0:03:38.360 That we call people of other ethnicities. 0:03:38.640 --> 0:03:41.880 However, I only deal with one, and these niggas be 0:03:41.880 --> 0:03:42.520 pissing me, y'all. 0:03:43.640 --> 0:03:46.640 He motherfucker, So I know he just said we shouldn't 0:03:46.640 --> 0:03:49.920 be cursing too much. Okay, I'm not cursing for the 0:03:49.960 --> 0:03:52.040 rest of the If you've never heard of our show, 0:03:52.200 --> 0:03:55.480 it's actually about to be fair. It's about decolonizing king 0:03:55.560 --> 0:03:58.200 for niggas. But you're allowed in here to listen, and 0:03:58.240 --> 0:04:01.440 we appreciate your subscriptions because. 0:04:01.200 --> 0:04:02.560 You know what it pays our nigga. 0:04:02.280 --> 0:04:06.560 Bills and so hopefully, uh, you support us with our 0:04:06.560 --> 0:04:08.360 book coming out. I kind of wanted that to be 0:04:08.440 --> 0:04:10.800 our ketchup. Oh, I'll put nigga in one chapter. That's 0:04:10.840 --> 0:04:13.880 the wait, Really, you're limiting the use of nigga in 0:04:13.880 --> 0:04:14.280 our book. 0:04:14.760 --> 0:04:15.000 No? 0:04:14.760 --> 0:04:18.120 No, I literally I thought that you let me thought 0:04:18.160 --> 0:04:20.279 that's why we really wanted a black author so she 0:04:20.279 --> 0:04:23.280 could comfortably get our voices across the paper. 0:04:23.360 --> 0:04:24.440 Well, I'm I'm. 0:04:24.240 --> 0:04:28.760 Writing mine out where like she's just editing, but like, uh, 0:04:28.920 --> 0:04:30.599 I will read you a little part of mine. So 0:04:30.680 --> 0:04:35.080 I literally put Beard Bay in scissors scissors scissors in 0:04:35.200 --> 0:04:37.600 a group chat. I'm actually going to read you guys 0:04:37.640 --> 0:04:40.640 a text. So I forget a lot of shit. And 0:04:40.680 --> 0:04:42.400 I was like, damn, I don't want to lie because 0:04:42.440 --> 0:04:44.119 it's not like I'm lying, it's just how I remember something. 0:04:44.680 --> 0:04:48.520 So this is how I started a text to them. Hey, 0:04:49.040 --> 0:04:51.000 I know this sounds kind of crazy, but I'm working 0:04:51.080 --> 0:04:53.719 on writing this book with Mandy, and I wanted to 0:04:53.760 --> 0:04:56.120 fact check with y'all because one of the chapters is 0:04:56.160 --> 0:04:59.480 all about my threatfle They wrote, Lol, Okay, I said, 0:04:59.520 --> 0:05:00.360 all right, here, there we go. 0:05:00.400 --> 0:05:02.560 Happy Tuesday. Everybody did I. 0:05:02.720 --> 0:05:05.560 Eat the come out of scissors or did you pull 0:05:05.600 --> 0:05:07.839 it out and I licked it off of her pussy? Sorry, 0:05:07.960 --> 0:05:13.000 can't remember, Oh my god, he said, definitely, I pulled 0:05:13.040 --> 0:05:15.480 out out of her pussy and put it in your mouth. 0:05:15.480 --> 0:05:17.640 Out of body experience. I could have passed out from that. 0:05:17.760 --> 0:05:20.400 My body was nutting. And also add this in your book. 0:05:20.600 --> 0:05:23.120 You turned into a senior citizen after you come. Tell 0:05:23.160 --> 0:05:25.520 the people that. 0:05:26.480 --> 0:05:28.479 And then he said you should also add in that 0:05:28.560 --> 0:05:31.280 time that when you did, you started petting her. 0:05:31.520 --> 0:05:33.960 And then she said, bitch, are you petting me? 0:05:34.160 --> 0:05:36.479 You ain't in this, no mo, because see when I come, 0:05:36.640 --> 0:05:38.320 it's like I pass out and you're like, I was 0:05:38.320 --> 0:05:39.800 trying to do this to let them niggas. No, I'll 0:05:39.800 --> 0:05:42.080 still I rubbed a titty like in a circular motion, 0:05:42.240 --> 0:05:45.560 like I'm still in it. We still a ah. But 0:05:46.600 --> 0:05:48.680 here's one of the things that I wrote. And this 0:05:48.720 --> 0:05:53.160 is when I was like, oh, this is so like Black. 0:05:54.600 --> 0:05:57.400 Literally there's a chapter where I wrote, now mind you, 0:05:57.440 --> 0:06:00.520 and in parenthesies, I'll put nigga shit like Black should 0:06:00.560 --> 0:06:01.120 to say. 0:06:01.000 --> 0:06:02.400 Oh, that's the only time you're going to put in 0:06:02.440 --> 0:06:05.440 the book. No, no, no, In the parentheses. 0:06:05.320 --> 0:06:09.320 I'll read you something I wrote. Finally we get to bed, 0:06:09.800 --> 0:06:12.320 beard Bay immediately kisses her. I can't remember if it's 0:06:12.360 --> 0:06:14.480 their first kiss or not, but I could remember I 0:06:14.520 --> 0:06:17.120 was not needing to be involved. I felt everything that 0:06:17.200 --> 0:06:20.479 her body could be feeling, excitement, pleasure, nerves, this strange 0:06:20.520 --> 0:06:22.799 way of feeling connected to her and making me feel 0:06:22.880 --> 0:06:25.400 very healthy and safe. I even remember her peeking her 0:06:25.400 --> 0:06:26.960 eye open as a way of making sure I was 0:06:27.000 --> 0:06:28.200 looking and feeling comfortable. 0:06:28.400 --> 0:06:31.760 But this nigga, on the other hand, that's a second 0:06:31.839 --> 0:06:34.680 count already was just happy to be an m mofucker. 0:06:34.960 --> 0:06:37.480 I will say he's consistently one of the most sexy 0:06:37.480 --> 0:06:39.680 guys in the room, but it was still his first threesome. 0:06:39.800 --> 0:06:42.000 And I love watching a nigga on his knees serving 0:06:42.040 --> 0:06:45.479 a bitch. Oh sorry, two niggas three, that's three. 0:06:45.600 --> 0:06:48.120 It within ten, all right, So maybe I should break 0:06:48.120 --> 0:06:54.640 it up. It's giving Mandy chapter. Well, actually, no, my 0:06:55.480 --> 0:07:00.640 work on this book has been hard. H You started 0:07:00.680 --> 0:07:03.040 with the pain chapter. No, bitch, put those as. 0:07:03.000 --> 0:07:05.000 Last many Mandy and I, by the way, just calling 0:07:05.080 --> 0:07:06.880 like some of them are hard to so we say, 0:07:06.880 --> 0:07:08.520 oh these are painful, these are nice. 0:07:08.400 --> 0:07:09.560 So when I say. 0:07:10.800 --> 0:07:13.000 There's there are certain chapters that I literally went through 0:07:13.040 --> 0:07:15.400 and I put last last last, have to work through 0:07:15.400 --> 0:07:17.760 my therapist with this. One of the ones that I 0:07:17.760 --> 0:07:21.320 actually felt comfortable working through brought a lot of anxiety 0:07:21.360 --> 0:07:25.720 to me. So, uh, I am doing a chapter on 0:07:25.760 --> 0:07:29.680 my abortion, which is why I hit you up and 0:07:29.720 --> 0:07:32.600 me with my friends we've been talking about, uh, just 0:07:32.680 --> 0:07:35.960 all of our experiences with abortions lately, but basically for 0:07:36.040 --> 0:07:42.200 this chapter specifically, not only is my experience included, but 0:07:42.320 --> 0:07:49.720 I did an interview with my mom and maybe a 0:07:49.840 --> 0:07:54.280 day and a half after my abortion, it never happened. 0:07:54.960 --> 0:07:57.840 Me and my mom never revisited it, We never talked 0:07:57.880 --> 0:08:03.440 about it. It was never a conversation, and so for 0:08:03.480 --> 0:08:07.200 this book specifically, I interviewed her to see how she 0:08:07.280 --> 0:08:10.320 felt about me coming to her and how I said, 0:08:10.400 --> 0:08:13.800 how she remembers the day that I told her walking 0:08:13.800 --> 0:08:16.360 with me into the clinic and I had to relive 0:08:17.200 --> 0:08:21.760 kind of my abortion all over again that I haven't spoken. 0:08:22.680 --> 0:08:26.320 So I interviewed my mom. We ended up speaking a 0:08:26.320 --> 0:08:31.480 lot about not only that experience with me, but her abortions, 0:08:31.560 --> 0:08:33.720 one being with my dad. So there was a lot 0:08:34.000 --> 0:08:37.640 about relationship I didn't know one was with my dad 0:08:37.920 --> 0:08:40.160 and it was at the end. It was literally the 0:08:40.160 --> 0:08:44.640 abortion that she had knowing that. I mean, well, I 0:08:44.679 --> 0:08:46.079 don't know if this is going to make the book, 0:08:46.520 --> 0:08:48.439 and I mean, I'll share a little bit of it now. 0:08:48.440 --> 0:08:52.839 But basically her that abortion with my dad was because 0:08:52.840 --> 0:08:55.679 she knew she could no longer stand the abuse with him, 0:08:56.040 --> 0:08:58.240 and so she had the abortion right before we ended 0:08:58.320 --> 0:08:59.959 up in a shelter because she had to get away. 0:09:00.320 --> 0:09:00.920 No, I don't want to cry. 0:09:00.960 --> 0:09:03.079 It's been a lot. And then this was the first 0:09:03.120 --> 0:09:07.160 time I asked my friend who gave me the money 0:09:07.160 --> 0:09:11.880 for my abortion. I interviewed her, and it's just like, 0:09:12.240 --> 0:09:15.240 there's so much about my past that I just put behind. 0:09:14.960 --> 0:09:20.120 Me and shout out to Kita, love you. We're still 0:09:20.120 --> 0:09:20.920 friends to this day. 0:09:21.040 --> 0:09:25.760 I called her and I remember we literally relived our friendship. 0:09:25.840 --> 0:09:27.520 We weren't that close because I felt like she stole 0:09:27.520 --> 0:09:29.200 my best friend from me in high school because we 0:09:29.200 --> 0:09:31.240 went to different high schools after middle school. Shout out 0:09:31.280 --> 0:09:37.680 to Ali and us having the conversation. I had never 0:09:37.760 --> 0:09:40.640 asked her what that money meant to her. She was 0:09:40.679 --> 0:09:42.360 my only friend at the time that had a job 0:09:42.760 --> 0:09:45.240 and she literally sent me the money that she made 0:09:45.240 --> 0:09:49.120 at Coldstone And so this was my first time. My 0:09:49.520 --> 0:09:53.080 abortion was right before me going into junior year. 0:09:53.240 --> 0:09:54.880 Did you ever pay her back? Did you? Guys say? 0:09:54.920 --> 0:09:57.200 I paid her back immediately, which is which is what 0:09:58.760 --> 0:10:01.360 I found out. She was like, we never talked about 0:10:01.400 --> 0:10:03.240 it again. All you kept saying was you'll pay me back, 0:10:03.240 --> 0:10:06.920 and you pay me back, but we never discussed it. 0:10:08.120 --> 0:10:12.520 And mind you, she and this is how listening back 0:10:12.559 --> 0:10:17.920 to it, my abortion was only five hundred dollars, she said. 0:10:17.960 --> 0:10:19.720 I called and was like, I got a hundred. My 0:10:19.760 --> 0:10:20.679 mom didn't have nothing. 0:10:20.920 --> 0:10:22.440 She maybe gave me like three hundred dollars, and she 0:10:22.480 --> 0:10:24.439 was like, at the time, that was like fifty thousand dollars. 0:10:24.720 --> 0:10:26.360 Yeah. So, like the. 0:10:27.840 --> 0:10:32.719 Conversations I'm having around what's going in this book are 0:10:32.760 --> 0:10:36.720 hard because I realized having an abortion that young, all 0:10:36.720 --> 0:10:39.000 of my friends having an abortion that young, We all 0:10:39.000 --> 0:10:40.760 know we had abortions, and we don't really talk about it. 0:10:42.000 --> 0:10:44.160 And to know that I literally have not had the 0:10:44.200 --> 0:10:47.120 conversation with my mom or one of my friends who 0:10:47.160 --> 0:10:52.480 even helped me pay for it was brought a lot 0:10:52.520 --> 0:10:56.640 of anxiety to me. To even hear it because it 0:10:56.800 --> 0:10:59.199 was what I feel like, to this day, my mistake. 0:10:59.480 --> 0:11:02.760 It's also funny because I had to relive that day 0:11:02.960 --> 0:11:06.080 I was with you is with that motherfucking gang banger nigga. 0:11:06.200 --> 0:11:10.000 They got locked up, and so I'm abortion with that. 0:11:11.679 --> 0:11:16.000 So I'm just like this this book therapeutically, if that's 0:11:16.040 --> 0:11:16.640 even a word. 0:11:17.160 --> 0:11:18.920 Uh, has been a lot on me. 0:11:19.960 --> 0:11:24.200 I'm recording my therapy sessions with my with with my 0:11:24.240 --> 0:11:26.040 therapist for this book. 0:11:26.080 --> 0:11:30.120 But that doesn't feel invasive. I mean I ask everyone, 0:11:30.240 --> 0:11:31.960 so as you're giving the by the way, we should 0:11:31.960 --> 0:11:35.240 explain why you're recording them. I mean, I'm recording them 0:11:35.240 --> 0:11:36.280 for a multitude of reason. 0:11:36.320 --> 0:11:39.360 We have a book editor, well, we have a book editor, yes, 0:11:39.880 --> 0:11:45.480 But for me, I've been in therapy for three years. 0:11:46.520 --> 0:11:48.760 I am very much in the present and plan to 0:11:48.760 --> 0:11:52.000 be a better person in the future. I cut off 0:11:53.800 --> 0:11:59.240 from everything that doesn't fit well. My trauma response and 0:11:59.320 --> 0:12:03.600 defense mechan is removing myself. I recently had a conversation 0:12:04.120 --> 0:12:08.240 with my therapist that was so uncomfortable because in writing 0:12:08.280 --> 0:12:10.800 about this book, I keep referring to my past self 0:12:10.840 --> 0:12:13.600 as she she did, like, it's. 0:12:13.400 --> 0:12:13.880 Not even me. 0:12:15.080 --> 0:12:18.600 And so I'm having this outer body experience, trying to 0:12:18.720 --> 0:12:23.120 realize that she is me, that's actually my experience. And 0:12:23.160 --> 0:12:26.600 I keep referring to myself in past tense like it's 0:12:26.640 --> 0:12:29.560 a whole other person because either my decisions, I don't 0:12:29.640 --> 0:12:31.480 like them. And that's why I told you with writing 0:12:31.480 --> 0:12:33.320 this book, it was going to be really important for 0:12:33.400 --> 0:12:39.160 me to not fully be prideful of all the things 0:12:39.200 --> 0:12:42.440 I've done, because I'm not happy of the decisions and 0:12:42.520 --> 0:12:46.320 such that I've made all the time with every man 0:12:47.320 --> 0:12:50.040 every time I lay down the things, you know, within 0:12:50.080 --> 0:12:55.960 my family dynamic. And so it's like really been interesting 0:12:56.240 --> 0:13:00.360 getting through this. So I love that we've got into 0:13:00.360 --> 0:13:03.040 a place where we both like can agree to kind 0:13:03.040 --> 0:13:04.920 of what we want to share in this book. But 0:13:05.040 --> 0:13:10.000 this process heavily weighing on me, from the divorce of 0:13:10.000 --> 0:13:13.640 my last podcast to dealing with this, to dealing with 0:13:13.679 --> 0:13:16.840 the Internet, to dealing with the comments, Like it has 0:13:16.880 --> 0:13:18.720 been just heavy because it's. 0:13:18.600 --> 0:13:19.040 Been a lot. 0:13:19.280 --> 0:13:22.160 It's been a lot, like literally from possibly trying to 0:13:22.160 --> 0:13:25.920 reach out to my cousin about like his sexuality because 0:13:25.920 --> 0:13:28.760 that's a part of my antal sex story, like I'm 0:13:28.800 --> 0:13:32.600 getting into I'm Jamaican anal sexty you gay, And now 0:13:32.640 --> 0:13:34.360 I'm in a place where a bit chy'all love a boodle, 0:13:34.679 --> 0:13:39.120 like literally being able to see my transgression of just 0:13:40.080 --> 0:13:43.040 who I become and having to really sit with things 0:13:43.040 --> 0:13:46.880 that make me uncomfortable. It's it's been a really good experience, 0:13:47.559 --> 0:13:51.640 a really heavy experience. But I'm like hoping that y'all 0:13:51.679 --> 0:13:53.199 like this book and y'all buy it, y'all go see 0:13:53.240 --> 0:13:54.080 us on tour next year. 0:13:54.160 --> 0:13:57.160 I mean, I'm only in the erotica stages of the book, 0:13:57.200 --> 0:13:58.680 which is kind of scary, Like you just kind of 0:13:58.679 --> 0:14:01.920 even scared me talking just now. One of my chapters 0:14:02.120 --> 0:14:07.439 is about an our word story and mine was very violent. 0:14:08.160 --> 0:14:13.360 And he's a popular person in the industry and not anymore. 0:14:13.360 --> 0:14:15.080 I'm sure I'm making more money than him, but he 0:14:15.240 --> 0:14:19.760 was once upon a time. And it's crazy because, like 0:14:20.360 --> 0:14:22.520 I remember hitting up Charlemagne and I told him who 0:14:22.520 --> 0:14:26.120 it was, and I was like, should I not include 0:14:26.120 --> 0:14:27.880 that this person was famous that did this to me? 0:14:28.240 --> 0:14:29.720 Oh, you got to include that, And he was. 0:14:29.640 --> 0:14:33.920 Like, well, a lot of you at that age because 0:14:34.120 --> 0:14:36.520 what I was telling him about a little bit, And really, 0:14:36.600 --> 0:14:38.480 I think the reason I went back to that hotel room, 0:14:38.480 --> 0:14:40.960 and that experience happened to me was probably because he 0:14:41.080 --> 0:14:43.160 was famous, right, I'm nineteen twenty. 0:14:43.640 --> 0:14:44.520 I think it was nineteen. 0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:50.560 But yeah, like that young dumb girl shit like, I 0:14:50.560 --> 0:14:53.200 don't know the power in saying no now is so 0:14:53.360 --> 0:14:53.960 easy to me. 0:14:55.080 --> 0:15:00.160 And you don't understand though, the power dynamics either of celebrity. 0:14:59.800 --> 0:15:02.680 Like because remember I asked for help, right, but we 0:15:03.160 --> 0:15:04.840 and they didn't help me because of who he was. 0:15:04.880 --> 0:15:09.400 We've talked about. I shared both of my stealthy experiences 0:15:09.400 --> 0:15:11.760 on this pod. You know who one of them was. 0:15:11.840 --> 0:15:14.280 One of them was the other one. I'll tell you 0:15:14.520 --> 0:15:19.600 when we're done. Both of them were rich, famous celebrities, 0:15:20.360 --> 0:15:26.480 and I even recalled not feeling violated because Okay, they 0:15:26.480 --> 0:15:29.440 got the money, I'll get the plan B. And also 0:15:29.440 --> 0:15:34.280 I didn't know stealthy was a violation or an assault 0:15:34.600 --> 0:15:37.760 or some because I consented to have sex with you 0:15:38.360 --> 0:15:41.280 with protection you pulling it off later. Of course I 0:15:41.280 --> 0:15:44.520 didn't consent to that, but also in my mind though 0:15:44.560 --> 0:15:48.000 it was violating to not feel violated in the moment 0:15:48.000 --> 0:15:48.880 because of who it was. 0:15:48.920 --> 0:15:53.080 Have you ever confronted them? No? I did, did you? Yep? 0:15:54.840 --> 0:15:58.080 Wanted to talk to him about it got influenced by 0:15:58.120 --> 0:16:01.640 another one of his rap made and. 0:16:01.560 --> 0:16:02.680 He acted like I was tripping. 0:16:02.720 --> 0:16:07.120 I think he said I was tripping that he was like, yeah, 0:16:07.440 --> 0:16:08.880 I feel like if I saw him now, I might 0:16:08.920 --> 0:16:12.040 spit on him. But I really just kind of pity him, 0:16:12.120 --> 0:16:14.720 I guess, because like I know, I'm not the only person, 0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:19.200 because one of his bandmates told me that he'd heard 0:16:19.240 --> 0:16:21.280 it before, and he told me that in confident. Wow, 0:16:22.120 --> 0:16:25.400 not confidence to me that she put me up. But nah, 0:16:25.480 --> 0:16:27.640 I think the craziest part about my story and y'all 0:16:27.680 --> 0:16:29.600 read in the book, is that I literally ran out 0:16:29.640 --> 0:16:31.480 of the room ask for help, and when he came 0:16:31.560 --> 0:16:34.440 behind me, he was like, Yo, she's drunk and I 0:16:34.480 --> 0:16:37.960 asked a woman for help. That's the crazy thing about 0:16:38.040 --> 0:16:39.720 some of these And I'm like, damn, I do have 0:16:39.760 --> 0:16:41.320 to include that he's a famous person that you do. 0:16:41.480 --> 0:16:44.120 But the thing that's difficult about it is people will 0:16:44.160 --> 0:16:47.120 tell you or act as though you're, you know, searching 0:16:47.120 --> 0:16:49.760 for this clout within this thing. Bro, a famous nigga 0:16:49.840 --> 0:16:51.560 doing that to me is not going to make her 0:16:51.560 --> 0:16:55.280 break my career or this this story or this book. 0:16:55.640 --> 0:16:57.840 But I do think and I kind of empathize now 0:16:57.840 --> 0:16:59.960 with some women that choose to come out. I guess 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:02.640 I always have, but like I realize, like, damn, you 0:17:02.720 --> 0:17:05.119 kind of want to release it, and it is a release, 0:17:05.240 --> 0:17:06.879 but I haven't got to that part of the book. 0:17:07.240 --> 0:17:09.480 I mean, I'm at this super juicy, nasty part of 0:17:09.480 --> 0:17:11.639 the book right, Like I'm talking about how I was 0:17:12.080 --> 0:17:15.359 sucking come off my fingers from scissors, how wet she was, 0:17:15.720 --> 0:17:17.840 how we would go in the bathroom when beard baby 0:17:17.880 --> 0:17:19.760 was sleep and we would dish about the threesome, like 0:17:20.040 --> 0:17:22.359 just fun shit I've never talked about. And also what 0:17:22.560 --> 0:17:24.959 makes this book even crazier is like I'm falling in 0:17:25.000 --> 0:17:29.000 love with someone while writing this book and experiencing new things. 0:17:29.040 --> 0:17:33.760 I'm like, I don't know, I just it's weird because 0:17:33.840 --> 0:17:36.119 I just I thought it would be more about like 0:17:36.200 --> 0:17:39.119 my release from like old bane and realizing I'm in 0:17:39.160 --> 0:17:44.600 this empowering moment, and now I'm just like, oh girl. 0:17:44.480 --> 0:17:46.760 We wrote this proposal when I was still witnessed nigga. 0:17:48.200 --> 0:17:51.320 The chapters that are last last are with him. I 0:17:51.359 --> 0:17:54.240 hate that I have to talk about a fun time 0:17:54.240 --> 0:17:56.399 with someone that I hate. 0:17:56.680 --> 0:18:01.040 No, like I've been able to give that Yes, I've 0:18:01.040 --> 0:18:03.120 released in two years. 0:18:03.520 --> 0:18:06.960 Well in I guess before we get intoarve vanilla shit, 0:18:07.000 --> 0:18:08.800 because bitch, I got outline and we're gonna stick to it. 0:18:09.920 --> 0:18:12.639 This was in your outline. It was it was I 0:18:12.960 --> 0:18:17.760 want to ask you, how do you remember. 0:18:18.720 --> 0:18:23.240 And enjoy or relive or try to think back to 0:18:23.440 --> 0:18:26.600 good moments with people that ended up hurting you so badly? 0:18:26.760 --> 0:18:33.399 I forgave myself. Listen, Old Bay is a dope person. 0:18:33.720 --> 0:18:37.080 He's fun. I have fun memories with him. He definitely 0:18:37.119 --> 0:18:41.399 violated my trust and my loyalty, but I forgave myself 0:18:41.440 --> 0:18:44.320 because I just was like, there were so many good memories. 0:18:44.480 --> 0:18:47.040 He'll change, He's great. We're such a fit. 0:18:47.280 --> 0:18:49.199 Who am I gonna meet that also has money too 0:18:49.240 --> 0:18:51.840 and can travel the world with me? Boom next week, 0:18:51.920 --> 0:18:55.359 bitch anyway, just saying like these niggas and my new 0:18:55.400 --> 0:18:59.200 nigga's finer and more connected to me and my body 0:18:59.280 --> 0:19:02.880 and spiritually able to like understand that. 0:19:03.320 --> 0:19:05.800 He needs to fill me up. I was so surface 0:19:05.880 --> 0:19:06.640 level with Old Bay. 0:19:06.960 --> 0:19:08.679 I was having so much fun with this person that 0:19:08.840 --> 0:19:12.640 like I just kind of thought it'll work itself out. 0:19:13.680 --> 0:19:16.760 But I forgave myself. That was the thing. I spent 0:19:16.800 --> 0:19:18.880 so much time in therapy. This is not a projection. 0:19:19.240 --> 0:19:22.760 Yelling about this nigga being mad and feeling not jealous 0:19:22.760 --> 0:19:25.159 but just well, yes, jealous that he could move on. 0:19:26.320 --> 0:19:28.840 He moved on with someone else and she's beautiful and like, 0:19:29.119 --> 0:19:35.280 I'm sure she's great, and I was jealous that she 0:19:35.359 --> 0:19:37.280 could possibly be getting a version of him that I 0:19:37.320 --> 0:19:38.760 didn't see. 0:19:38.920 --> 0:19:40.600 But I forgave myself because I should have left that 0:19:40.640 --> 0:19:43.000 nigga a while ago. I think that's my problem. I'm 0:19:43.040 --> 0:19:45.679 so upset with him, but now I'm like upset that 0:19:45.760 --> 0:19:50.960 he's not here. That's my problem. I think that that's 0:19:51.040 --> 0:19:53.800 why you should be happy. I know, but that's where 0:19:53.800 --> 0:19:57.600 I'm having the difficulty. I'm not interested, like I'm still 0:19:58.560 --> 0:20:01.760 where are we? I'm literally almost a full year out 0:20:01.800 --> 0:20:04.320 of this fucking relationship and I'm not. 0:20:05.280 --> 0:20:07.560 I don't feel at all any further in. 0:20:09.760 --> 0:20:12.600 Feeling empty without him, Like I still as much as 0:20:12.600 --> 0:20:15.000