1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:02,670 Speaker 1: All right guys, welcome into this week's rewind episode of 2 00:00:02,730 --> 00:00:06,390 Speaker 1: disgrace land We are getting into our nirvana story this 3 00:00:06,590 --> 00:00:10,389 Speaker 1: weekend and we released these episodes originally back in march 4 00:00:10,610 --> 00:00:14,390 Speaker 1: of 2019 I gotta say when they were released. I 5 00:00:14,410 --> 00:00:19,410 Speaker 1: was shocked. I was legitimately shocked at the reaction Uh 6 00:00:19,430 --> 00:00:23,549 Speaker 1: the blowback from people who really believe that kurt cobain 7 00:00:23,730 --> 00:00:31,020 Speaker 1: did not commit suicide um It was so strong that 8 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:33,680 Speaker 1: it forced me to dig back into the research and 9 00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:35,839 Speaker 1: see if I missed anything. And I came out the 10 00:00:35,860 --> 00:00:38,780 Speaker 1: other side, and I still believe what I believed when 11 00:00:38,820 --> 00:00:43,730 Speaker 1: these were originally released and written. You know, Courtney Love, 12 00:00:44,729 --> 00:00:47,690 Speaker 1: think what you might about her. I do not believe 13 00:00:47,729 --> 00:00:51,790 Speaker 1: she is a killer, despite what some documentaries might say. 14 00:00:51,810 --> 00:00:54,200 Speaker 1: When you look at the actual evidence, including evidence from 15 00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:59,880 Speaker 1: a so-called organization, study that came out in February of 2026. 16 00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:01,980 Speaker 1: It got a lot of hype, a lot of news. 17 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,000 Speaker 1: We looked at all of that and came to the 18 00:01:05,020 --> 00:01:10,980 Speaker 1: same conclusion. Kurt Cobain was a deeply tormented artist. Courtney 19 00:01:11,030 --> 00:01:16,730 Speaker 1: Love is a deeply complicated person and artist. And their 20 00:01:16,770 --> 00:01:20,850 Speaker 1: story is tragic. The story of Nirvana is singular in 21 00:01:20,890 --> 00:01:23,970 Speaker 1: the history of rock and roll. And these two episodes 22 00:01:24,030 --> 00:01:30,120 Speaker 1: reflect those Two points. Releasing them again now for a 23 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:33,850 Speaker 1: specific reason. There's a Courtney Love documentary coming, I don't 24 00:01:33,870 --> 00:01:37,910 Speaker 1: know when, in the next couple months, some point. And 25 00:01:38,069 --> 00:01:39,750 Speaker 1: I think what I want to do is I want 26 00:01:39,770 --> 00:01:41,490 Speaker 1: to hear from you guys and hear what you think 27 00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:44,940 Speaker 1: on this story. Do you still, after listening to both 28 00:01:44,959 --> 00:01:48,740 Speaker 1: of these episodes, still believe that Kurt's death was not 29 00:01:49,100 --> 00:01:53,510 Speaker 1: the official cause of suicide, death by suicide, or do 30 00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:57,470 Speaker 1: you believe something nefarious happened? I want to know 617-906-6638, 31 00:01:57,510 --> 00:02:00,580 Speaker 1: voicemail and text to let me know at DisgracelandPod on 32 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:04,640 Speaker 1: the socials, DisgracelandPod at gmail.com. And based on the reaction 33 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:06,760 Speaker 1: I get from you guys, I might end up taking 34 00:02:06,900 --> 00:02:11,150 Speaker 1: a deeper look into the so-called conspiracy theorists who believe 35 00:02:11,710 --> 00:02:15,530 Speaker 1: that something else was at play. We'll get into that later. 36 00:02:15,730 --> 00:02:36,630 Speaker 1: Here's part one of the Nirvana story. Kurt Cobain is 37 00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:41,020 Speaker 1: a celebrated and defiant icon of Generation X. His wife, 38 00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:44,160 Speaker 1: Courtney Love, was once the most hated woman in America, 39 00:02:44,700 --> 00:02:46,720 Speaker 1: and to this day still does what she can to 40 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:54,419 Speaker 1: wear that crown. Courtney Love, like Kurt Cobain, was unapologetic, fierce, determined, ambitious, authentic, 41 00:02:54,780 --> 00:02:58,500 Speaker 1: and a total hypocrite. The two were also totally in 42 00:02:58,540 --> 00:03:01,670 Speaker 1: love and at times completely insane. They spit in the 43 00:03:01,690 --> 00:03:04,650 Speaker 1: face of authority, did more heroin than Johnny Thunders, and 44 00:03:04,750 --> 00:03:06,500 Speaker 1: one of them lived long enough to brag about it. 45 00:03:07,310 --> 00:03:10,930 Speaker 1: They challenged gender norms in the music industry patriarchy and 46 00:03:10,990 --> 00:03:14,090 Speaker 1: reluctantly played the roles of their generations John and Yoko 47 00:03:14,150 --> 00:03:17,640 Speaker 1: by way of Sid and Nancy. Despite his marriage to 48 00:03:17,700 --> 00:03:21,130 Speaker 1: Courtney Love and birth of their daughter Frances Bean, Kurt 49 00:03:21,169 --> 00:03:24,970 Speaker 1: Cobain never really had a home. He was born into dysfunction, 50 00:03:25,050 --> 00:03:28,010 Speaker 1: and as a child was rejected by his family, his community, 51 00:03:28,050 --> 00:03:32,250 Speaker 1: and society at large. He never had a chance. But 52 00:03:32,290 --> 00:03:35,890 Speaker 1: for a minute, before burning out, he shined brighter than most. 53 00:03:36,770 --> 00:03:39,190 Speaker 1: He channeled his rejection through the saving grace of his 54 00:03:39,250 --> 00:03:42,660 Speaker 1: beloved punk rock, and in doing so, became the reluctant 55 00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:46,980 Speaker 1: voice of a disaffected generation, and popular beyond his wildest dreams. 56 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:51,580 Speaker 1: Wanted by everyone, even by his account, the most attractive 57 00:03:51,620 --> 00:03:53,900 Speaker 1: and talented female artist on the scene at the time, 58 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:58,310 Speaker 1: Courtney Love. It goes without saying that Kurt Cobain and 59 00:03:58,350 --> 00:04:01,150 Speaker 1: Courtney Love made great music. And that music you heard 60 00:04:01,170 --> 00:04:03,450 Speaker 1: at the top of the show, that wasn't great music. 61 00:04:03,990 --> 00:04:06,610 Speaker 1: That was a preset loop from my Mellotron called Mellow 62 00:04:06,650 --> 00:04:10,870 Speaker 1: Street Corner Serenade, BK1. I played you that loop because 63 00:04:10,990 --> 00:04:13,660 Speaker 1: I can't afford the rights to I'm Too Sexy by 64 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:16,440 Speaker 1: Right Said Fred. And why would I play you that 65 00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:19,900 Speaker 1: specific slice of cheeky cheese, could I afford it? because 66 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:25,339 Speaker 1: that was the number one song in America on February 24th, 1992. 67 00:04:25,339 --> 00:04:28,380 Speaker 1: And that was the day that Kurt Cobain married Courtney Love, 68 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:31,140 Speaker 1: creating what would become one of, if not the most 69 00:04:31,190 --> 00:04:35,030 Speaker 1: notorious couples in rock and roll history. On this, the 70 00:04:35,070 --> 00:04:37,910 Speaker 1: first of a special two-part episode to commence season three, 71 00:04:38,330 --> 00:04:43,060 Speaker 1: Cheeky Cheese, A Street Corner Serenade, No Direction Home, Courtney Love, 72 00:04:43,330 --> 00:04:47,620 Speaker 1: and Kurt Cobain. I'm Jake Brennan, and this is Disgraceland. 73 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:25,250 Speaker 1: Courtney Love killed Kurt Cobain. Not literally. Figuratively. Like most 74 00:05:25,290 --> 00:05:27,870 Speaker 1: everything else in Kurt's life, his wife was too much 75 00:05:27,930 --> 00:05:31,170 Speaker 1: for him to handle. His fame, his success, and all 76 00:05:31,210 --> 00:05:33,330 Speaker 1: the trappings that came with it that he tried in 77 00:05:33,390 --> 00:05:36,440 Speaker 1: vain to reject. Not to mention the pressure of living 78 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:39,200 Speaker 1: up to the hype, his addiction to heroin, his crippling 79 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,080 Speaker 1: stomach pain, the deep wounds of his childhood, and his 80 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,940 Speaker 1: inability to find comfort or a sense of home anywhere 81 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:49,810 Speaker 1: or with anyone. Despite his complex yet loving relationship with Courtney, 82 00:05:50,110 --> 00:05:52,970 Speaker 1: her own heavy personal baggage piled on top of everything 83 00:05:53,110 --> 00:05:59,110 Speaker 1: else became unbearable for Kurt Cobain. Most people point to 84 00:05:59,130 --> 00:06:01,529 Speaker 1: his heroin addiction as the main reason for his death, 85 00:06:02,050 --> 00:06:05,380 Speaker 1: or that he was simply depressed. But those explanations are 86 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:09,099 Speaker 1: too easy. Others lay the Yoko trip on Courtney Love, 87 00:06:09,140 --> 00:06:11,980 Speaker 1: but that is, as John Lennon would say, thick and ordinary. 88 00:06:13,550 --> 00:06:16,450 Speaker 1: Courtney Love came into a relationship with Kurt Cobain as 89 00:06:16,490 --> 00:06:20,089 Speaker 1: an experienced heroin user, sure, and she did indeed enable 90 00:06:20,150 --> 00:06:23,010 Speaker 1: Kurt's addiction. But the real truth is that he enabled 91 00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:26,610 Speaker 1: hers just as much. No one thing was responsible for 92 00:06:26,650 --> 00:06:29,930 Speaker 1: his death, and no matter how intriguing the conspiracy theories are, 93 00:06:30,330 --> 00:06:32,120 Speaker 1: the ones that try to paint the death of some 94 00:06:32,180 --> 00:06:36,140 Speaker 1: wild murder scheme cooked up by Courtney are, in a word, untrue. 95 00:06:37,260 --> 00:06:40,280 Speaker 1: Courtney Love did not literally kill Kurt Cobain, but she did, 96 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:46,510 Speaker 1: quite literally, save his life. In early January 1992, Kurt 97 00:06:46,550 --> 00:06:49,010 Speaker 1: Cobain was becoming the biggest rock star in the world, 98 00:06:49,430 --> 00:06:52,060 Speaker 1: and he was miserable. He was away from home, whatever 99 00:06:52,070 --> 00:06:54,440 Speaker 1: that was, and suffering through the highs and lows of 100 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:58,840 Speaker 1: a serious heroin addiction. Heroin, for Kurt, had a dual effect. 101 00:06:59,540 --> 00:07:01,659 Speaker 1: On the one hand, it was the one thing that 102 00:07:01,779 --> 00:07:06,170 Speaker 1: stymied his crippling stomach pain, a psychosomatic illness that doctors 103 00:07:06,190 --> 00:07:09,570 Speaker 1: were never able to officially diagnose. But it bared similar 104 00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:12,610 Speaker 1: symptoms to the worst aspects of every stomach ailment you 105 00:07:12,650 --> 00:07:17,910 Speaker 1: know of. IBS, ulcers, rumination disorder. Certainly this pain demanded 106 00:07:17,970 --> 00:07:22,300 Speaker 1: something stronger than warm milk and laxatives. On the other hand, 107 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:25,640 Speaker 1: heroin was an express ticket straight to oblivion. A trip 108 00:07:25,660 --> 00:07:28,760 Speaker 1: for Kurt Cobain that had become a necessity. He began 109 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:31,240 Speaker 1: using a few years earlier when his band Nirvana was 110 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:34,320 Speaker 1: just starting out. He knew the danger involved, but he 111 00:07:34,460 --> 00:07:37,160 Speaker 1: also knew his pain and his heartache. And he knew 112 00:07:37,220 --> 00:07:39,940 Speaker 1: that no other drug, not the acid he'd swallowed, the 113 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:42,600 Speaker 1: coeludes he'd taken, the speed he'd snorted, none of it. 114 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,680 Speaker 1: had the power to suppress the deep feelings of loneliness 115 00:07:45,740 --> 00:07:50,640 Speaker 1: and rejection he'd carried with him since adolescence. So heroin, 116 00:07:50,780 --> 00:07:56,370 Speaker 1: for Kurt, was about self-medication, physical and psychological. For Courtney, 117 00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:59,750 Speaker 1: though not without her own childhood pain and demons, heroin 118 00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:03,530 Speaker 1: was about getting high. She'd started using earlier when she 119 00:08:03,590 --> 00:08:06,110 Speaker 1: first struck out as a musician because shooting dope was 120 00:08:06,210 --> 00:08:09,690 Speaker 1: quite literally, in her estimation anyway, what the cool kids 121 00:08:09,710 --> 00:08:13,679 Speaker 1: were doing. But Courtney... at least in comparison to Kurt, 122 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,530 Speaker 1: had it under control. Which meant that the burden of 123 00:08:16,570 --> 00:08:19,470 Speaker 1: being the responsible one usually fell to her. And what 124 00:08:19,530 --> 00:08:22,810 Speaker 1: that meant, in hardcore junkie reality terms, was that she 125 00:08:22,850 --> 00:08:24,270 Speaker 1: was the one who had to take care of Kurt 126 00:08:24,330 --> 00:08:28,710 Speaker 1: when he overdosed. And he overdosed a lot. But this time, 127 00:08:28,990 --> 00:08:31,340 Speaker 1: he was dead, lying on the floor of the Omni 128 00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:33,720 Speaker 1: Hotel in New York City. Next to the bed his 129 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:36,520 Speaker 1: fiancée was asleep in, Courtney Love, the singer of the 130 00:08:36,580 --> 00:08:40,740 Speaker 1: rapidly rising grunge band Hole. A few hours earlier, Nirvana 131 00:08:40,780 --> 00:08:43,380 Speaker 1: had made their live television debut on Saturday Night Live. 132 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,260 Speaker 1: It had also been the same weekend that Nirvana's major 133 00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:50,100 Speaker 1: label debut album, Nevermind, knocked Michael Jackson's Dangerous from the 134 00:08:50,140 --> 00:08:52,990 Speaker 1: number one slot on the Billboard charts. It was a 135 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:58,010 Speaker 1: moment Kurt had long dreamed of. For astute fans of Nirvana, 136 00:08:58,370 --> 00:09:01,390 Speaker 1: it was obvious that their performance on SNL was uneven, 137 00:09:01,429 --> 00:09:04,820 Speaker 1: but nonetheless, it was still a triumph. It was not 138 00:09:04,860 --> 00:09:07,920 Speaker 1: only their first live TV performance on a long-running late-night 139 00:09:07,940 --> 00:09:10,440 Speaker 1: tastemaking series, no less, but it was also the first 140 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:14,510 Speaker 1: live national television performance of a quote-unquote grunge band, the 141 00:09:14,530 --> 00:09:17,309 Speaker 1: new sound percolating out of the cloudy confines of America's 142 00:09:17,370 --> 00:09:21,770 Speaker 1: Pacific Northwest. And beyond that, for many young Americans, Nirvana's 143 00:09:21,809 --> 00:09:25,740 Speaker 1: first SNL appearance was their first look at punk rock. Sure, 144 00:09:25,790 --> 00:09:27,820 Speaker 1: Nirvana had a new take on the genre that first 145 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:31,280 Speaker 1: broke back in 1977, but at its core, the band 146 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:37,550 Speaker 1: was punk as fuck, in style, sound, and ethos. For 147 00:09:37,590 --> 00:09:40,290 Speaker 1: suburban kids watching that night, their first look at the 148 00:09:40,350 --> 00:09:44,050 Speaker 1: band must have been arresting. A three-piece, the band couldn't 149 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:48,000 Speaker 1: have looked more mismatched. The drummer is barely seen behind 150 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,520 Speaker 1: his massive kit, but holy shit can he be heard, 151 00:09:50,940 --> 00:09:54,630 Speaker 1: flailing about wildly with a distinct hardcore energy. The type 152 00:09:54,650 --> 00:09:56,689 Speaker 1: that can only be learned on the makeshift stages of 153 00:09:56,750 --> 00:10:00,020 Speaker 1: all ages shows at VFW halls and in friends' sweaty basements. 154 00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:03,800 Speaker 1: The bass player was like, what, 14 feet tall? A 155 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:06,820 Speaker 1: giant bearing down on his black Fender Precision bass, making 156 00:10:06,860 --> 00:10:10,000 Speaker 1: it look like a ukulele in his grip. In the 157 00:10:10,020 --> 00:10:13,100 Speaker 1: scrawny little singer next to him, otherwise an afterthought in 158 00:10:13,140 --> 00:10:16,260 Speaker 1: comparison to the Charisma Despair rhythm section, were it not 159 00:10:16,340 --> 00:10:19,230 Speaker 1: for his intensity. It's obvious from the first second you 160 00:10:19,260 --> 00:10:22,280 Speaker 1: lay eyes on despite his disinterest in the song he's playing. 161 00:10:22,620 --> 00:10:25,369 Speaker 1: But he's unlike anything you've seen before. His hair is 162 00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:28,650 Speaker 1: dyed plum red, a deeper shade of Johnny Rotten. His 163 00:10:28,730 --> 00:10:31,070 Speaker 1: jeans are baggy and so torn you assume they're his 164 00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:34,230 Speaker 1: only pair. He's wearing a button-down cardigan sweater that is 165 00:10:34,309 --> 00:10:36,410 Speaker 1: two sizes too big over what appears to be a 166 00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:39,690 Speaker 1: homemade concert t-shirt for a band called Flipper that most 167 00:10:39,710 --> 00:10:43,750 Speaker 1: of the world has never heard of before. He's going 168 00:10:43,770 --> 00:10:46,490 Speaker 1: through the motions, but the rhythm section is going apeshit. 169 00:10:47,390 --> 00:10:52,490 Speaker 1: Sail on, goes the song. Their first single, Smells Like 170 00:10:52,510 --> 00:10:54,770 Speaker 1: Teen Spirit, which up until that point had been a 171 00:10:54,809 --> 00:10:58,730 Speaker 1: heat-seeking missile on the charts and ubiquitous on radio and MTV, 172 00:10:59,110 --> 00:11:01,429 Speaker 1: is getting a good live working over by a band 173 00:11:01,470 --> 00:11:03,740 Speaker 1: that America is falling in love with right there in 174 00:11:03,770 --> 00:11:11,100 Speaker 1: that moment on live television. If in 1992 you'd been 175 00:11:11,140 --> 00:11:13,939 Speaker 1: listening to college radio or staying up late to watch 176 00:11:14,020 --> 00:11:17,640 Speaker 1: Dave Kendall on MTV's 120 Minutes or sweating it out 177 00:11:17,679 --> 00:11:20,760 Speaker 1: in punk rock clubs, the song's elements were nothing new 178 00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:25,600 Speaker 1: to you The quiet, loud, quiet verse-chorus-verse arrangement was straight-up 179 00:11:25,660 --> 00:11:29,470 Speaker 1: Pixies and the discordant guitarist stonk of Sonic Youth. The 180 00:11:29,530 --> 00:11:32,430 Speaker 1: pounding rhythm hit you hard like Seattle's Melvins, a band 181 00:11:32,470 --> 00:11:35,010 Speaker 1: whose t-shirts were worn proudly by both members of the 182 00:11:35,030 --> 00:11:38,910 Speaker 1: rhythm section on stage that night. But taken in composite, 183 00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:41,970 Speaker 1: layered onto one another, and combined with their own unique 184 00:11:42,030 --> 00:11:45,610 Speaker 1: style and attitude, the band was something completely new for 185 00:11:45,630 --> 00:11:49,970 Speaker 1: the time. The second performance on SNO. was the pummeling 186 00:11:50,030 --> 00:11:55,390 Speaker 1: Petropace territorial pisses. It's more punk than grunge-sounding, faster, angrier 187 00:11:55,429 --> 00:11:58,660 Speaker 1: than Smells Like Teen Spirit, and more subversive with its lyric, 188 00:11:59,179 --> 00:12:01,620 Speaker 1: Never met a wise man, if so, it's a woman. 189 00:12:02,980 --> 00:12:05,900 Speaker 1: The singer is screaming bloody murder, and you're wired into 190 00:12:05,940 --> 00:12:09,219 Speaker 1: his pain. It's deeper and more visceral than anything else 191 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:12,300 Speaker 1: mainstream music had offered to that point. John Lennon may 192 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,680 Speaker 1: have paved the way with his primal scream, but it 193 00:12:14,730 --> 00:12:16,370 Speaker 1: never made its way to the top of the charts. 194 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,699 Speaker 1: And the singer's shattered torture is obvious and right there 195 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,059 Speaker 1: on the screen. It's balanced out by the precision of 196 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:25,580 Speaker 1: the rhythm section. The song ends and the band trashes 197 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,670 Speaker 1: their equipment. But they're a nomad hatter Keith Moon Grims 198 00:12:28,710 --> 00:12:33,090 Speaker 1: from past generations. The destruction is pure violence. All menace. 199 00:12:33,790 --> 00:12:43,790 Speaker 1: Three times the Pete. During the show's end credits, the 200 00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:46,610 Speaker 1: band is aligned on stage next to the host, Northern 201 00:12:46,670 --> 00:12:51,000 Speaker 1: Exposure's Rob Morrow. Cast members, notably Chris Rock, Kevin Nealon, 202 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:54,160 Speaker 1: and David Spade mill about behind them. The band picks 203 00:12:54,260 --> 00:12:56,920 Speaker 1: up as Morrow says goodnight, and then the bass player 204 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,100 Speaker 1: grabs the drummer by the sides of his face and 205 00:12:59,140 --> 00:13:02,460 Speaker 1: plants a full-on tongue kiss on him. The singer notices 206 00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:05,590 Speaker 1: what's happening and can't help but smile. He grabs them 207 00:13:05,630 --> 00:13:07,430 Speaker 1: both in a group hug and is grabbed by the 208 00:13:07,470 --> 00:13:10,349 Speaker 1: bass player and kissed just as forcefully as his drummer was. 209 00:13:10,750 --> 00:13:13,290 Speaker 1: He backs off, he's hysterical, and is picked up by 210 00:13:13,330 --> 00:13:17,770 Speaker 1: his drummer and swung around joyfully. Everything about it spoke 211 00:13:17,790 --> 00:13:20,619 Speaker 1: to me as a 17-year-old at the time, watching it 212 00:13:20,660 --> 00:13:23,620 Speaker 1: all play out alongside my closest high school stoner buddies 213 00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:28,000 Speaker 1: on the couch at my friend Dorf's house. It was smart, funny, juvenile, punk, 214 00:13:28,059 --> 00:13:31,990 Speaker 1: and pissed. It was loud, fast, feminist, queer, and confident. 215 00:13:32,290 --> 00:13:36,689 Speaker 1: And it was fun, and totally, and completely subversive. It 216 00:13:36,730 --> 00:13:40,630 Speaker 1: was Nirvana. And it was 100% unlike anything else that 217 00:13:40,650 --> 00:13:44,300 Speaker 1: had been on live national television before. As a culture, 218 00:13:44,380 --> 00:13:48,300 Speaker 1: thanks to Nirvana, we had entered new territory. And Chris Novoselic, 219 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:52,040 Speaker 1: Dave Grohl, and Kurt Cobain had gloriously pissed all over it, 220 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:56,110 Speaker 1: marking it as their own. So, it was a triumph. 221 00:13:56,790 --> 00:13:59,790 Speaker 1: But Kurt Cobain wasn't in the mood for celebrating. Fuck 222 00:13:59,809 --> 00:14:26,530 Speaker 1: the cast party. He needed to get hyped. The needle 223 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:30,020 Speaker 1: puncturing the skin was part of the addiction. The piercing, 224 00:14:30,380 --> 00:14:33,600 Speaker 1: the droplet of blood thumbing down the syringe, it all 225 00:14:33,620 --> 00:14:34,320 Speaker 1: meant one thing. 226 00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:35,540 Speaker 2: Oblivion. 227 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:42,060 Speaker 1: And oblivion was what Kurt Cobain craved. He prepped the 228 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,820 Speaker 1: china white, slammed it into his arm, and drifted off. 229 00:14:46,940 --> 00:14:49,340 Speaker 1: The dream was less a dream and more a pastiche 230 00:14:49,380 --> 00:14:52,360 Speaker 1: of shame and rejection. It was one of the things 231 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:56,020 Speaker 1: Kurt hated about heroin. Usually, if he used enough of 232 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:58,160 Speaker 1: it and he was kind of legendary for the amount 233 00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,660 Speaker 1: of dope he could handle at one time, the high 234 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:03,200 Speaker 1: would be heavy enough to suppress the dreams, but every 235 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,880 Speaker 1: now and then, those days back in Aberdeen crept up 236 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:09,900 Speaker 1: from his subconscious. In the dream, it was Kurt in 237 00:15:09,940 --> 00:15:13,870 Speaker 1: jail writing porn for his fellow inmates to jerk off to. This, 238 00:15:13,910 --> 00:15:16,090 Speaker 1: of course, never happened in real life, but that didn't 239 00:15:16,130 --> 00:15:18,470 Speaker 1: stop Kurt from telling this story to help bolster his 240 00:15:18,530 --> 00:15:22,960 Speaker 1: own mythology. And the lies seeped into his subconscious. It 241 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,739 Speaker 1: wasn't that he was ashamed of the lie or the 242 00:15:24,780 --> 00:15:27,540 Speaker 1: masturbation or even the arrest over a slew of minor 243 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,360 Speaker 1: offenses that resulted in an eight-day stay in the local 244 00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:33,640 Speaker 1: Aberdeen jail. He was ashamed because he had no one 245 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,250 Speaker 1: to call to bail him out. He was 19 years 246 00:15:36,390 --> 00:15:39,210 Speaker 1: old and literally didn't have anyone. And it had been 247 00:15:39,270 --> 00:15:43,390 Speaker 1: this way for most of his adolescence. Kurt's mom, Wendy, 248 00:15:43,450 --> 00:15:45,930 Speaker 1: kicked him out at the age of 17. Kurt went 249 00:15:45,970 --> 00:15:48,050 Speaker 1: to live with his father, Don, and in the beginning 250 00:15:48,090 --> 00:15:50,730 Speaker 1: it was okay. Better than being with his mom and 251 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:53,150 Speaker 1: having to tell his horny friends to stop gawking at her. 252 00:15:53,670 --> 00:15:56,130 Speaker 1: But then his dad met Jenny and decided to start 253 00:15:56,190 --> 00:15:58,830 Speaker 1: a new family. It was clear to Kurt that he 254 00:15:58,870 --> 00:16:02,170 Speaker 1: didn't fit into his dad's new life. Jenny had two 255 00:16:02,230 --> 00:16:06,410 Speaker 1: kids and Kurt frequently clashed with his new step-siblings. His 256 00:16:06,430 --> 00:16:08,560 Speaker 1: dad made a feeble effort at making it work but 257 00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:11,800 Speaker 1: ultimately acquiesced to his new wife's wishes and kicked Kurt out. 258 00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:14,960 Speaker 1: Kurt bounced back to his mom's and she took him 259 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,160 Speaker 1: in briefly. He fought constantly with her new husband until 260 00:16:18,260 --> 00:16:21,000 Speaker 1: eventually landing back out of the house. Kurt went to 261 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,160 Speaker 1: stay with his grandparents in their trailer for a time, 262 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:26,480 Speaker 1: but that didn't work. So teenage Kurt Cobain shuffled from 263 00:16:26,540 --> 00:16:28,860 Speaker 1: house to house, staying with friends and their families when 264 00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:32,320 Speaker 1: he could, and eventually landing in various foster homes until 265 00:16:32,340 --> 00:16:34,160 Speaker 1: he was old enough to move into an apartment with 266 00:16:34,210 --> 00:16:37,109 Speaker 1: a friend at age 18. But at the time of 267 00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:40,070 Speaker 1: the arrest, he was homeless, alternately sleeping at the house 268 00:16:40,110 --> 00:16:42,710 Speaker 1: of a high school English teacher and in the backseat 269 00:16:42,730 --> 00:16:47,650 Speaker 1: of a friend's mom's beat-up Volvo. Regardless of his living situation, 270 00:16:47,990 --> 00:16:51,090 Speaker 1: Kurt had no family support system to call on from jail. 271 00:16:51,830 --> 00:16:55,070 Speaker 1: He'd been rejected so fully, so often from both his 272 00:16:55,130 --> 00:16:58,250 Speaker 1: mother and his father that calling them, now, at age 273 00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:01,550 Speaker 1: 19 would have been futile. If they weren't there for 274 00:17:01,580 --> 00:17:03,760 Speaker 1: him when he was 17, then how, he reasoned, could 275 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,919 Speaker 1: they possibly be there for him as a young adult? 276 00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:10,720 Speaker 1: Shame and rejection borrowed itself into Kurt Cobain and despite 277 00:17:10,740 --> 00:17:14,340 Speaker 1: the tremendous amounts of powerful heroin he injected, it still 278 00:17:14,540 --> 00:17:18,080 Speaker 1: fucked with him. Oblivion was the goal because reality was 279 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:20,639 Speaker 1: too painful, even for a man on the verge of 280 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:25,260 Speaker 1: realizing his dreams. His heroine dreams were preferable to reality, 281 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,980 Speaker 1: as there were usually nothing more than big, black, heavily 282 00:17:28,020 --> 00:17:31,379 Speaker 1: weighted blankets holding him down, compressing him to this cruel 283 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:34,560 Speaker 1: world as it spun wildly, doing its best to shake 284 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:38,640 Speaker 1: him from its surface. But this dream... The one where 285 00:17:38,660 --> 00:17:41,869 Speaker 1: he was back in Aberdeen, in jail, writing porn, jailed 286 00:17:41,930 --> 00:17:45,570 Speaker 1: rednecks surrounding him in the cell, some of them masturbating furiously, 287 00:17:45,630 --> 00:17:47,850 Speaker 1: the rest of them looking at him with distrust and 288 00:17:47,950 --> 00:17:50,689 Speaker 1: hate and the feeling that he's trapped, unable to get out, 289 00:17:51,170 --> 00:17:53,910 Speaker 1: unable to go home. This was a dream of deep 290 00:17:53,970 --> 00:17:58,090 Speaker 1: emotional pain. Kurt searched for a way out, away from 291 00:17:58,130 --> 00:18:01,900 Speaker 1: the hurt, deeper into the darkness. But when he saw 292 00:18:01,940 --> 00:18:04,220 Speaker 1: his chance, he took it and dove headfirst into the 293 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:08,419 Speaker 1: black unknown. And there was a flat thud. In Kurt's unconscious, 294 00:18:08,460 --> 00:18:10,899 Speaker 1: it was the sound of breaking through. But in Kurt's 295 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,609 Speaker 1: four-star New York City hotel room, in the early morning 296 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,850 Speaker 1: hours after his legendary SNL performance, it was the sound 297 00:18:16,869 --> 00:18:19,270 Speaker 1: of him falling off of his bed, onto the floor, 298 00:18:19,550 --> 00:18:27,850 Speaker 1: and into a heroin overdose. When Courtney awoke and realized 299 00:18:27,910 --> 00:18:30,490 Speaker 1: Kurt wasn't sleeping next to her, her heart jumped into 300 00:18:30,550 --> 00:18:34,030 Speaker 1: her throat. She immediately feared the worst. She found Kurt 301 00:18:34,050 --> 00:18:36,640 Speaker 1: on the floor next to the bed, his skin green 302 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:41,980 Speaker 1: and in a death-like unconsciousness. She pounced, straddling him as 303 00:18:42,010 --> 00:18:44,490 Speaker 1: he lay on his back. She began pounding his chest 304 00:18:44,530 --> 00:18:46,790 Speaker 1: with her fist to get his lungs pumping. When that 305 00:18:46,810 --> 00:18:49,010 Speaker 1: didn't work, she got to her feet, grabbed the ice 306 00:18:49,070 --> 00:18:51,290 Speaker 1: bucket on the room service tray with the empty bottle 307 00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:54,010 Speaker 1: of champagne in it, and began palming hands full of 308 00:18:54,070 --> 00:18:56,949 Speaker 1: whatever unmelted cubes of ice she could find into her 309 00:18:56,990 --> 00:19:01,010 Speaker 1: near-dead fiancé' s asshole. But when that didn't revive him, she 310 00:19:01,070 --> 00:19:03,669 Speaker 1: surveyed the room for Kurt's leather jacket, the one with 311 00:19:03,690 --> 00:19:06,129 Speaker 1: the Vaseline's pin on. She saw it crumpled on the 312 00:19:06,170 --> 00:19:09,159 Speaker 1: floor in the corner. Courtney had the pin off in seconds. 313 00:19:09,540 --> 00:19:12,200 Speaker 1: She pulled Kurt's dirty jeans down to his ankles, ripped 314 00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:14,980 Speaker 1: off his boxers and began poking his testicles with the pin, 315 00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:18,740 Speaker 1: pausing only to smack Kurt across his acne cheeks, then 316 00:19:18,820 --> 00:19:21,919 Speaker 1: returning to stab the scrotum with the pin again. Finally, 317 00:19:22,359 --> 00:19:25,200 Speaker 1: he began to come back to life. Courtney threw cold 318 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,770 Speaker 1: water on his face and his eyes opened. She then 319 00:19:27,830 --> 00:19:30,070 Speaker 1: pulled him to his feet, started dragging him about the 320 00:19:30,109 --> 00:19:32,970 Speaker 1: room to get him moving again. Once he started to 321 00:19:32,990 --> 00:19:35,369 Speaker 1: gain his strength and hold himself up a bit, She 322 00:19:35,410 --> 00:19:37,879 Speaker 1: began rotating his arms to get more of the blood flowing. 323 00:19:38,980 --> 00:19:41,580 Speaker 1: It was all routine to her. She'd saved his life 324 00:19:41,660 --> 00:19:44,659 Speaker 1: before and would save his life again. It was a 325 00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:48,550 Speaker 1: process he'd grown accustomed to, grown to depend on. He 326 00:19:48,590 --> 00:19:55,919 Speaker 1: was familiar, like home. We'll be right back after this word, word, word. 327 00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:03,180 Speaker 1: Before Courtney, there was Tracy. Before stardom and four-star hotels, 328 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:06,640 Speaker 1: there was a one-room apartment in the college town of Olympia, Washington. 329 00:20:07,690 --> 00:20:10,300 Speaker 1: Kurt moved there from Aberdeen to live with Tracy in 330 00:20:10,340 --> 00:20:13,740 Speaker 1: a studio apartment. The place stunk and wasn't as tidy 331 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:17,720 Speaker 1: as Tracy would have liked, but it was home. Their home. Together. 332 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:24,520 Speaker 1: Tracy worked and made enough for them to get by. Barely. Mostly, 333 00:20:24,619 --> 00:20:27,479 Speaker 1: Kurt didn't work. He slept until noon and spent his 334 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:30,920 Speaker 1: days playing guitar, sometimes strumming in front of the TV, 335 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:35,560 Speaker 1: sometimes journaling or making art. Tracy shrugged off Kurt's clutter, 336 00:20:35,619 --> 00:20:38,540 Speaker 1: his weird drawings, his apparent inability to wash a dish, 337 00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:42,200 Speaker 1: and his neediness. She loved him, and so she took 338 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,280 Speaker 1: care of him, made sure he ate at least one 339 00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:46,770 Speaker 1: meal a day, didn't sleep too much, that sort of thing. 340 00:20:48,050 --> 00:20:50,270 Speaker 1: As for Kurt, he'd said it more than once, Tracy 341 00:20:50,310 --> 00:20:53,669 Speaker 1: was the perfect girlfriend, and he only missed Wendy, his mom, 342 00:20:53,930 --> 00:20:58,830 Speaker 1: a little. As perfect as Tracy may have been, Kurt 343 00:20:58,850 --> 00:21:01,050 Speaker 1: left her back at the apartment on an April Sunday 344 00:21:01,090 --> 00:21:04,840 Speaker 1: in 1988. And along with Chris Novoselic and Dave Foster, 345 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:08,240 Speaker 1: Nirvana's third drummer, loaded their gear out of their practice space, 346 00:21:08,359 --> 00:21:11,420 Speaker 1: packed up a borrowed Econoline van, and drove 60 miles 347 00:21:11,500 --> 00:21:14,000 Speaker 1: north to Seattle so that his new band could play 348 00:21:14,020 --> 00:21:16,700 Speaker 1: a legit rock show in a real club with a 349 00:21:16,780 --> 00:21:21,510 Speaker 1: real PA. Kurt was quiet, trying to ignore his clenching gut. 350 00:21:22,050 --> 00:21:24,609 Speaker 1: He told himself things were good. Things would be fine. 351 00:21:25,150 --> 00:21:27,310 Speaker 1: Just a couple of months ago, they'd recorded their demo, 352 00:21:27,390 --> 00:21:29,540 Speaker 1: and since then, Kurt had worked hard to get the 353 00:21:29,580 --> 00:21:31,960 Speaker 1: tape into the hands of local tastemakers in the punk 354 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,240 Speaker 1: scene who could help him. Not that he'd admit it. 355 00:21:35,140 --> 00:21:37,699 Speaker 1: He'd asked for friends' help in circulating the demo and 356 00:21:37,740 --> 00:21:41,159 Speaker 1: getting college radio airplay, and in doing so, managed to 357 00:21:41,220 --> 00:21:43,720 Speaker 1: snag the interest of a partner at the newly formed 358 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:48,409 Speaker 1: record label Sub Pop. An excited Jonathan Pullman shared the 359 00:21:48,450 --> 00:21:52,570 Speaker 1: demo with his less-than-enthusiastic partner, the more business-minded of the two, 360 00:21:52,750 --> 00:21:57,119 Speaker 1: Bruce Pavitt. The enterprising duo discussed whether to finance a 361 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,600 Speaker 1: single by the scrawny kid who they thought might, on 362 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:03,100 Speaker 1: his best day, someday, maybe approach the coolness of their 363 00:22:03,140 --> 00:22:08,530 Speaker 1: label's BMOC, Mark Arm of Mudhoney. So they invited Nirvana 364 00:22:08,570 --> 00:22:10,879 Speaker 1: to play one of their sub-pop Sunday shows at The 365 00:22:10,940 --> 00:22:13,629 Speaker 1: Vogue in Seattle, where Kurt was told they'd have an 366 00:22:13,790 --> 00:22:18,210 Speaker 1: audience of music executives and representatives. Pullman wanted the reaction 367 00:22:18,250 --> 00:22:21,570 Speaker 1: of local tastemakers, their positive reaction, in order to justify 368 00:22:21,630 --> 00:22:24,620 Speaker 1: signing the On the other end of the phone, Kurt 369 00:22:24,660 --> 00:22:27,220 Speaker 1: imagined an adoring crowd, the faces of the members of 370 00:22:27,300 --> 00:22:29,480 Speaker 1: Tad and other bands he loved, shining up at him 371 00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:32,740 Speaker 1: on stage. He cleared his throat and in his calmest 372 00:22:32,869 --> 00:22:39,690 Speaker 1: whatever voice that he could muster said, Sure. Cool. Chris 373 00:22:39,730 --> 00:22:41,730 Speaker 1: gave the wheel a sharp turn and pulled into a 374 00:22:41,770 --> 00:22:44,950 Speaker 1: lot beside the Vogue. It was late afternoon. Kurt hopped 375 00:22:45,010 --> 00:22:46,870 Speaker 1: out to stretch and to check out the building that 376 00:22:46,890 --> 00:22:49,889 Speaker 1: had hosted new wave acts and other bands. Bands that 377 00:22:49,910 --> 00:22:52,550 Speaker 1: were better than Nirvana. Bands that knew what they were doing. 378 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:56,520 Speaker 1: What if he sucked? He felt the nerves in his stomach, 379 00:22:56,920 --> 00:23:00,000 Speaker 1: felt the bile burn his esophagus. He ripped off his 380 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:03,010 Speaker 1: jean jacket, held back his hair and vomited onto the pavement. 381 00:23:04,210 --> 00:23:07,090 Speaker 1: Then he sat, head in hands, trying to control his breathing. 382 00:23:07,830 --> 00:23:10,010 Speaker 1: His bandmates stood back and waited for him to pull 383 00:23:10,050 --> 00:23:14,770 Speaker 1: his shit together. The show itself was kind of a haze. 384 00:23:15,410 --> 00:23:19,629 Speaker 1: Kurt couldn't shake his nerves. After soundcheck, they went backstage 385 00:23:19,690 --> 00:23:22,169 Speaker 1: assuming the club would fill up as Pullman had promised. 386 00:23:22,820 --> 00:23:24,230 Speaker 1: But when they got up to play, they saw their 387 00:23:24,300 --> 00:23:27,460 Speaker 1: audience consisted of maybe 10 people, among whom were friends 388 00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:30,180 Speaker 1: of friends and maybe one industry person, a DJ. What 389 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:35,500 Speaker 1: the hell? Kurt got shaky again, shaky and angry, deflated, nauseous. 390 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:38,300 Speaker 1: And while the rhythm section held their own through the set, 391 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,940 Speaker 1: powering through technical glitches, Kurt hung on by a thread. 392 00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:46,060 Speaker 1: He strummed and mumbled lyrics without intensity and with zero 393 00:23:46,100 --> 00:23:48,199 Speaker 1: connection to the few people standing in front of the 394 00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:50,740 Speaker 1: stage who he occasionally peered at from under the fringe 395 00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:53,919 Speaker 1: of his hair. And there was little clapping. There was 396 00:23:53,980 --> 00:23:58,460 Speaker 1: no encore. And it was embarrassing. Offstage, and with a 397 00:23:58,500 --> 00:24:03,980 Speaker 1: camera pointed at him, Kurt screamed, We sucked! They drove 398 00:24:04,050 --> 00:24:06,850 Speaker 1: straight home. In the van, it was quiet. A loop 399 00:24:06,910 --> 00:24:10,270 Speaker 1: of the night's disaster played over in Kurt's brain. He 400 00:24:10,330 --> 00:24:13,510 Speaker 1: told himself they'd practice more. At least five times a week, 401 00:24:13,570 --> 00:24:16,750 Speaker 1: as any real band should. And that he'd write better songs, 402 00:24:16,810 --> 00:24:19,859 Speaker 1: great songs. and that they would improve and rule the world, 403 00:24:19,900 --> 00:24:21,520 Speaker 1: and if it wasn't with Sub Pop, it would be 404 00:24:21,540 --> 00:24:24,420 Speaker 1: with some other label, a better label, without some P.T. 405 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:29,970 Speaker 1: Barnum wannabe in a flannel shirt at the helm. After 406 00:24:29,990 --> 00:24:34,450 Speaker 1: the gig, Kurt committed himself. To himself. He drafted a 407 00:24:34,490 --> 00:24:37,580 Speaker 1: new band bio. Greetings. We realize that there was once 408 00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:40,160 Speaker 1: a 60s band called Nirvana, but don't get us confused 409 00:24:40,180 --> 00:24:43,760 Speaker 1: with them because they totally suck big fucking dick. Nirvana 410 00:24:43,820 --> 00:24:47,200 Speaker 1: sounds like Black Sabbath playing the knack, Black Flag, Led Zeppelin, 411 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:49,439 Speaker 1: and the Stooges with a pinch of Bay City Rollers. 412 00:24:50,740 --> 00:24:55,050 Speaker 1: He rehearsed his answers to future interview questions. Hi, I'm 413 00:24:55,070 --> 00:24:58,149 Speaker 1: the moody bohemian member of the group. Blonde, frontman, the 414 00:24:58,190 --> 00:25:03,170 Speaker 1: sensitive type. I like pasta, turtles, girls with weird eyes, writing, reading... 415 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:06,590 Speaker 1: keeping my mouth shut, cake decorating, horseback riding, gun cleaning, 416 00:25:06,660 --> 00:25:10,190 Speaker 1: Sally Struthers impersonations, piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, 417 00:25:10,350 --> 00:25:14,350 Speaker 1: butt fucking, acupuncture, painting, friends, cats, goats, mohair sweaters, cultivating 418 00:25:14,390 --> 00:25:17,270 Speaker 1: a fine army of facial blemishes, scarification, blah, blah, blah. 419 00:25:18,290 --> 00:25:20,290 Speaker 1: And he wrote letters to his friends and heroes whom 420 00:25:20,310 --> 00:25:24,969 Speaker 1: he hoped to befriend. Mark, whoa, Polly Peregrine is my 421 00:25:25,050 --> 00:25:27,770 Speaker 1: favorite song of this decade. I've been soaking up the 422 00:25:27,830 --> 00:25:30,169 Speaker 1: sounds of the screaming trees for a few months, and 423 00:25:30,190 --> 00:25:32,500 Speaker 1: I think it's way better than most. Although in the 424 00:25:32,540 --> 00:25:35,560 Speaker 1: pop genre, I like pixies and smithereens a bit better, 425 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:40,960 Speaker 1: but Polly Peregrine, Jesus God, what a complete masterpiece. He 426 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:45,330 Speaker 1: walked around the apartment, unconsciously crafting his nonchalant slouch. His 427 00:25:45,450 --> 00:25:49,430 Speaker 1: blue-eyed rock god shrugged toward oblivion. His jeans ripped, his 428 00:25:49,530 --> 00:25:53,919 Speaker 1: shirt flannel, his shoes chucks, and his hair dirty. He 429 00:25:53,980 --> 00:25:57,320 Speaker 1: calculated to look uncalculated. He cared, but didn't want to 430 00:25:57,380 --> 00:26:00,420 Speaker 1: seem to care. He imagined his next time on stage, 431 00:26:00,740 --> 00:26:04,719 Speaker 1: he'd get it right. Then the phone rang. It was Pullman. 432 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:09,200 Speaker 1: The single with Sub Pop was on. No shit, Kurt 433 00:26:09,220 --> 00:26:12,270 Speaker 1: thought to himself. Of course Pullman and Pavitt loved the show, 434 00:26:12,570 --> 00:26:15,550 Speaker 1: and so did the quote-unquote industry execs, and the DJ 435 00:26:15,590 --> 00:26:18,190 Speaker 1: from KCMU, and of course whoever was in the crowd 436 00:26:18,210 --> 00:26:23,920 Speaker 1: that night that passed as scenesters. In a good mood, 437 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:26,080 Speaker 1: the best mood he'd been in in a long time, 438 00:26:26,420 --> 00:26:29,500 Speaker 1: Kurt wrote to his friend Dale Crover, drummer for the Melvins, 439 00:26:29,820 --> 00:26:32,729 Speaker 1: to ask for advice slash drop a humble brag that 440 00:26:32,750 --> 00:26:35,250 Speaker 1: his band had signed with Sub Pop. It was a 441 00:26:35,270 --> 00:26:38,350 Speaker 1: big deal, he casually mentioned. And oh yeah, by the way, 442 00:26:38,890 --> 00:26:57,869 Speaker 1: our final name is Nirvana. Tour. The road. This is 443 00:26:57,900 --> 00:27:01,110 Speaker 1: where it all happens. The sex, the drugs, the rock 444 00:27:01,150 --> 00:27:05,270 Speaker 1: and roll. The making of your myth. For a touring musician, 445 00:27:05,330 --> 00:27:08,010 Speaker 1: the road offers plenty. But the reality is that no 446 00:27:08,030 --> 00:27:10,410 Speaker 1: matter how many adoring fans you meet or a pure 447 00:27:10,510 --> 00:27:14,190 Speaker 1: adolescent release you feel on stage, Being away from home 448 00:27:14,270 --> 00:27:18,409 Speaker 1: at some point really starts to suck. Your clothes stink 449 00:27:18,470 --> 00:27:21,109 Speaker 1: in ways you didn't imagine possible. You can't find a 450 00:27:21,170 --> 00:27:24,250 Speaker 1: decent healthy meal. You're sick and tired of every last 451 00:27:24,350 --> 00:27:26,930 Speaker 1: one of your bandmates. You haven't shit right in weeks. 452 00:27:27,250 --> 00:27:30,109 Speaker 1: You get poor to no sleep and you crave intimacy. 453 00:27:30,550 --> 00:27:34,080 Speaker 1: Real intimacy. The kind that only a significant other, someone 454 00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:38,160 Speaker 1: who truly cares for you, can give. This is what 455 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:40,639 Speaker 1: most musicians feel at some point on the road, no 456 00:27:40,660 --> 00:27:44,270 Speaker 1: matter how experienced or successful. But as a new band, 457 00:27:44,350 --> 00:27:47,280 Speaker 1: making little or no money, you're driving from gig to gig, 458 00:27:47,359 --> 00:27:51,340 Speaker 1: playing to small to sometimes non-existent crowds. Sometimes you play 459 00:27:51,380 --> 00:27:53,800 Speaker 1: to just the doorman and the bartender, but it's all 460 00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:56,520 Speaker 1: good because you're paying your dues, just like Black Flag, 461 00:27:56,540 --> 00:27:59,680 Speaker 1: you tell yourself. You try to keep it together, keeping 462 00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:02,379 Speaker 1: enough energy in reserve to stay sane, to remember who 463 00:28:02,420 --> 00:28:06,280 Speaker 1: you are in civilian life back home. Now imagine that 464 00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:09,240 Speaker 1: sense of loneliness with the added shit situation of not 465 00:28:09,300 --> 00:28:11,520 Speaker 1: having a real home to go back to once tour 466 00:28:11,540 --> 00:28:15,990 Speaker 1: has ended. That's how it felt for Kurt Cobain. On 467 00:28:16,010 --> 00:28:18,550 Speaker 1: the road, on stage, he had a hard time controlling 468 00:28:18,590 --> 00:28:22,190 Speaker 1: his mood when things went wrong. When there were technical problems, 469 00:28:22,250 --> 00:28:24,580 Speaker 1: when the sound on stage didn't match the sound in 470 00:28:24,619 --> 00:28:28,000 Speaker 1: his head, he'd get frustrated, angry. He'd let it affect 471 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:31,720 Speaker 1: his performance. Added to that, he missed his girlfriend and 472 00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:34,359 Speaker 1: his stomach was a chronic mess that he tried drinking 473 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:38,570 Speaker 1: into a truce with Strawberry Nestle quick. He wanted connection 474 00:28:38,700 --> 00:28:41,800 Speaker 1: and attention but had little. All of this took a 475 00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:44,820 Speaker 1: toll on him as he toured in 1989 to support 476 00:28:44,860 --> 00:28:49,120 Speaker 1: Nirvana's debut album, Bleach. Their European tour with the band 477 00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:54,050 Speaker 1: Tad was brutal. 37 shows in 42 days. When there 478 00:28:54,070 --> 00:28:56,150 Speaker 1: was enough money to stop in a hotel, Kurt would 479 00:28:56,190 --> 00:28:59,430 Speaker 1: often share a room with Tad drummer Kurt Danielson. And 480 00:28:59,450 --> 00:29:02,250 Speaker 1: with the lamps low, they'd shoot the shit. One night, 481 00:29:02,410 --> 00:29:05,010 Speaker 1: an exhausted Kurt lay back on the soft white comforter, 482 00:29:05,050 --> 00:29:09,010 Speaker 1: letting two fluffy white pillows cradle his head and sighed. Fuck, 483 00:29:09,030 --> 00:29:11,570 Speaker 1: it was good to lie down. on a real bed. 484 00:29:13,070 --> 00:29:15,610 Speaker 1: He and Danielson talked as they often did late into 485 00:29:15,650 --> 00:29:19,170 Speaker 1: the night, the pauses between their words getting longer as 486 00:29:19,210 --> 00:29:23,530 Speaker 1: they drifted towards sleep. Kurt's mind was on Tracy, how 487 00:29:23,570 --> 00:29:27,290 Speaker 1: she was losing patience with the money situation. His thoughts 488 00:29:27,370 --> 00:29:30,510 Speaker 1: then shifted to his mother, Wendy. He remembered when he'd 489 00:29:30,570 --> 00:29:33,750 Speaker 1: proudly played Nirvana's Love Buzz single for her on Christmas Eve. 490 00:29:34,730 --> 00:29:37,050 Speaker 1: She'd been unimpressed and hoped he had a backup plan. 491 00:29:37,770 --> 00:29:40,720 Speaker 1: He only let that hurt a little. She loved him, right? 492 00:29:41,360 --> 00:29:44,500 Speaker 1: She had to, he thought. He was 22 years old, 493 00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:46,500 Speaker 1: but in some ways he was still just a boy. 494 00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:50,220 Speaker 1: A boy who was about to go from total obscurity 495 00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:54,910 Speaker 1: to super fame. You know, he said to Danielson, I've 496 00:29:54,950 --> 00:29:57,150 Speaker 1: wanted to go home since the first week of this tour. 497 00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:00,100 Speaker 1: I could go to my mom's right now. She'd let me. 498 00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:03,840 Speaker 1: She'd wire me the money. There was a pause. The 499 00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:06,590 Speaker 1: pain he felt now wasn't in his gut, but farther up. 500 00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:10,140 Speaker 1: A tightness in his chest and throat. She'd have me, 501 00:30:10,220 --> 00:30:14,340 Speaker 1: he insisted. She'd have me, you know? Danielson didn't know. 502 00:30:14,620 --> 00:30:16,560 Speaker 1: He couldn't tell if Kurt was talking to him or 503 00:30:16,620 --> 00:30:19,810 Speaker 1: talking to himself. Whether he was shooting straight or bullshitting. 504 00:30:20,850 --> 00:30:24,370 Speaker 1: There are world-class bullshitters out there who are easily recognizable 505 00:30:24,410 --> 00:30:26,790 Speaker 1: and repellent. The types of people you don't want to 506 00:30:26,810 --> 00:30:30,520 Speaker 1: waste your time with. Then, there are different types of bullshitters. 507 00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:33,840 Speaker 1: The type who spin lies, not to hurt or impress you, 508 00:30:33,900 --> 00:30:36,400 Speaker 1: but to weave you into the alternate reality they've created 509 00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:39,580 Speaker 1: for themselves. Usually, because their reality is too big of 510 00:30:39,620 --> 00:30:43,520 Speaker 1: a drag to accept. Kurt Cobain was this type of bullshitter. 511 00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:46,310 Speaker 1: You wanted to believe his bullshit as strongly as he did. 512 00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:49,410 Speaker 1: But you could seldom tell what was real and what 513 00:30:49,430 --> 00:30:52,410 Speaker 1: was myth with Kurt. Nowhere was this more obvious than 514 00:30:52,450 --> 00:30:56,730 Speaker 1: within his lyrics, particularly throughout the songs on Nirvana's second album, Nevermind. 515 00:30:57,940 --> 00:31:01,719 Speaker 1: The success of Nevermind, Nirvana's first for the major label DGC, 516 00:31:01,780 --> 00:31:05,480 Speaker 1: was staggering. In four short months, Nirvana went from releasing 517 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:08,220 Speaker 1: a record their label predicted would have only modest success 518 00:31:08,290 --> 00:31:11,450 Speaker 1: to number one on the Billboard charts by January 1992. 519 00:31:11,450 --> 00:31:15,550 Speaker 1: The record was propelled by its first single, Smells Like 520 00:31:15,590 --> 00:31:18,450 Speaker 1: Teen Spirit, a song which Kurt said was a direct 521 00:31:18,570 --> 00:31:21,900 Speaker 1: rip-off of his favorite band, the Pixies. Kurt was being 522 00:31:22,020 --> 00:31:25,360 Speaker 1: somewhat disingenuous. In total truth, the song had turned out 523 00:31:25,380 --> 00:31:28,130 Speaker 1: to be exactly what he'd set out to write. ultimate 524 00:31:28,170 --> 00:31:32,070 Speaker 1: pop song. And Nirvana weren't only bringing fame to themselves. 525 00:31:32,690 --> 00:31:35,470 Speaker 1: The success of Nevermind shone a light on the feedback-laden 526 00:31:35,540 --> 00:31:39,060 Speaker 1: flannel Seattle scene where they'd come from. And suddenly, all 527 00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:41,600 Speaker 1: flights west were jammed with A & R men. Bands 528 00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:43,940 Speaker 1: like Mudhoney and Pearl Jam signed to major labels on 529 00:31:43,960 --> 00:31:48,160 Speaker 1: Nirvana's coattails. Hollywood got in on the action too. with 530 00:31:48,220 --> 00:31:52,540 Speaker 1: movies like Cameron Crowe's highly stylized singles that romanticized Generation 531 00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:55,480 Speaker 1: X in the context of Seattle with its coffee shops 532 00:31:55,570 --> 00:31:59,830 Speaker 1: and quote-unquote grunge musicians, including Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder and 533 00:31:59,850 --> 00:32:03,290 Speaker 1: a host of other disenfranchised characters dressed in cargo shorts 534 00:32:03,350 --> 00:32:07,370 Speaker 1: and long johns as they looked for love. Kurt clutched 535 00:32:07,390 --> 00:32:10,450 Speaker 1: his gut as things got sillier when grunge music meshed 536 00:32:10,490 --> 00:32:15,170 Speaker 1: with mainstream celebrity and fashion. First, bands like Soundgarden and 537 00:32:15,260 --> 00:32:19,020 Speaker 1: Alice in Chains went mainstream, In the Lemonheads, Dreamy Evendando 538 00:32:19,060 --> 00:32:22,420 Speaker 1: emerged as a grunge heartthrob. On the runways and in 539 00:32:22,460 --> 00:32:27,220 Speaker 1: the fashion mags, designers hawked grunge-inspired styles. Flannel layers, cardigans 540 00:32:27,260 --> 00:32:30,460 Speaker 1: and ironic t-shirts, slip dresses, baby dolls and ripped tights. 541 00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:34,510 Speaker 1: It was all androgyny and heroin chic as gaunt, ethereal 542 00:32:34,570 --> 00:32:37,430 Speaker 1: models slouched and posed and scowled like rock stars or 543 00:32:37,450 --> 00:32:43,440 Speaker 1: drug addicts. Kurt's anti-fashion had become fashion. The idea that 544 00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:47,290 Speaker 1: Kurt Cobain, 5 foot 9 inches of him, 130 pounds 545 00:32:47,310 --> 00:32:49,950 Speaker 1: with his ripped jeans and duct tape sneakers, had become 546 00:32:50,010 --> 00:32:54,870 Speaker 1: a fashion icon was ridiculous. The ridiculousness didn't stop there. 547 00:32:55,390 --> 00:32:59,610 Speaker 1: Kurt's image was blasted across countless magazine covers. His voice 548 00:32:59,730 --> 00:33:03,490 Speaker 1: rang out in regular rotation all over the airwaves. Tickets 549 00:33:03,530 --> 00:33:06,090 Speaker 1: for his concerts were in high demand. He was in 550 00:33:06,130 --> 00:33:09,870 Speaker 1: high demand. DJs, journalists, tastemakers hung on his every word. 551 00:33:10,550 --> 00:33:14,030 Speaker 1: He was wanted by everyone. It was a feeling he 552 00:33:14,070 --> 00:33:16,630 Speaker 1: could not get used to. Fame has a way of 553 00:33:16,730 --> 00:33:19,070 Speaker 1: opening up the world, but for Kurt, it seemed that 554 00:33:19,150 --> 00:33:22,870 Speaker 1: for every door that opened, another two would close. Old, 555 00:33:22,930 --> 00:33:26,510 Speaker 1: familiar rituals were no longer possible. Kurt couldn't just pop 556 00:33:26,550 --> 00:33:28,670 Speaker 1: into a record store. Hell, he couldn't even pop into 557 00:33:28,690 --> 00:33:32,910 Speaker 1: the local 7-Eleven for a pack of smokes. He'd be recognized, accosted. 558 00:33:33,490 --> 00:33:35,210 Speaker 1: He didn't mind the real fans, but it was the 559 00:33:35,260 --> 00:33:39,040 Speaker 1: new legion of fly-by-night fans, the Meatheads and Johnny-come-latelys who 560 00:33:39,060 --> 00:33:41,410 Speaker 1: didn't know the Melvins from the Munsters that bothered him. 561 00:33:43,520 --> 00:33:46,420 Speaker 1: Kurt could see one now, no, two, outside the window 562 00:33:46,460 --> 00:33:49,680 Speaker 1: of the 7-Eleven he was currently wandering around in. He 563 00:33:49,700 --> 00:33:52,020 Speaker 1: was looking for Strawberry Quick, and they were looking through 564 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:54,360 Speaker 1: the window at what the magazines called the new voice 565 00:33:54,400 --> 00:33:57,660 Speaker 1: of a generation, and hoping for an autograph or worse, 566 00:33:57,740 --> 00:34:03,780 Speaker 1: Kurt thought, conversation. They were big, northwestern lumberjack types. As 567 00:34:03,820 --> 00:34:07,510 Speaker 1: they approached, Kurt seemed to recognize one of He was older, 568 00:34:07,630 --> 00:34:10,390 Speaker 1: and of the two had the fuller mustache. His hair, 569 00:34:10,489 --> 00:34:13,469 Speaker 1: parted in the middle, feathered on the sides, screamed 1981 570 00:34:13,469 --> 00:34:16,370 Speaker 1: in a way that his Red Hot Chili Peppers t-shirt 571 00:34:16,430 --> 00:34:19,680 Speaker 1: did not. Kurt turned on the heels of his Chuck 572 00:34:19,719 --> 00:34:22,700 Speaker 1: Taylors and walked straight for the magazine rack. He picked 573 00:34:22,739 --> 00:34:25,520 Speaker 1: up the first mag he could reach, People Magazine, the 574 00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:28,340 Speaker 1: one with Nick Nolte, the so-called sexiest man alive on 575 00:34:28,380 --> 00:34:30,860 Speaker 1: the cover, and buried his face in its pages to 576 00:34:30,900 --> 00:34:33,319 Speaker 1: throw the meatheads off the scent, or at least give 577 00:34:33,340 --> 00:34:35,790 Speaker 1: them the impression that Kurt didn't want to talk. And 578 00:34:35,810 --> 00:34:39,370 Speaker 1: he began reading the article on Nolte. Supposedly, Nick was 579 00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:42,489 Speaker 1: the strong, sensitive type. A man's man. The kind that 580 00:34:42,530 --> 00:34:46,360 Speaker 1: women couldn't resist. And Kurt Cobain was at least one 581 00:34:46,380 --> 00:34:49,940 Speaker 1: of those things. Sensitive. The sight of the dude with 582 00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:52,480 Speaker 1: the feathered hair jarred his memory and brought back to 583 00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:55,260 Speaker 1: him again the details from his arrest in Aberdeen back 584 00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:59,489 Speaker 1: in 1986. Sensitive as he was, the pain of that night, 585 00:34:59,770 --> 00:35:02,750 Speaker 1: more specifically the shame of it, coupled with the embarrassment 586 00:35:02,790 --> 00:35:05,739 Speaker 1: of being recognized in the moment, had his stomach in knots. 587 00:35:06,719 --> 00:35:09,340 Speaker 1: The feathered hair and the mustache, and that was it. 588 00:35:09,980 --> 00:35:14,280 Speaker 1: The cop. The arresting officer. More memories bashed his heart 589 00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:16,580 Speaker 1: up into his throat. The feeling of the cuffs on 590 00:35:16,620 --> 00:35:19,100 Speaker 1: his wrists, the ache in his cheekbone from having his 591 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:21,720 Speaker 1: face slammed onto the hood of the cruiser. The smell 592 00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:25,160 Speaker 1: of spray paint for the can of Krylon. Mr. Feathered 593 00:35:25,180 --> 00:35:28,029 Speaker 1: Hair seemed bigger then. Maybe the uniform had something to 594 00:35:28,070 --> 00:35:30,710 Speaker 1: do with it. It was for sure more authoritative than 595 00:35:30,730 --> 00:35:32,890 Speaker 1: the red hot chili pepper shirt he was wearing now. 596 00:35:33,850 --> 00:35:36,469 Speaker 1: Big or not, Kurt couldn't help but remember how mean 597 00:35:36,510 --> 00:35:39,640 Speaker 1: the dude was. He had no tolerance for Kurt's kind, 598 00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:41,779 Speaker 1: and the look in his eyes said that he'd rather 599 00:35:41,820 --> 00:35:43,719 Speaker 1: be beating the tar out of Kurt than reading him 600 00:35:43,739 --> 00:35:46,480 Speaker 1: his rights. The cop couldn't have been a couple years 601 00:35:46,580 --> 00:35:49,840 Speaker 1: older than Kurt, but he clearly hated him. And Kurt 602 00:35:50,219 --> 00:35:53,030 Speaker 1: hated him right back. And they both had their reasons. 603 00:35:53,570 --> 00:35:56,890 Speaker 1: For Kurt, it was self-preservation. For the cop, it was disrespect, 604 00:35:57,350 --> 00:36:01,910 Speaker 1: something Kurt had in spades. Disrespect for authority, for society, 605 00:36:01,950 --> 00:36:04,739 Speaker 1: and for his elders. Why should he respect them? They 606 00:36:04,780 --> 00:36:07,839 Speaker 1: were never there for him. He was alone, on his own. 607 00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:10,340 Speaker 1: The only thing that ever showed up for Kurt Cobain 608 00:36:10,380 --> 00:36:13,989 Speaker 1: was music, more specifically punk rock. But what was more 609 00:36:14,050 --> 00:36:16,970 Speaker 1: punk than spray painting God is Gay on a public wall? 610 00:36:18,170 --> 00:36:20,850 Speaker 1: But Kurt was caught red-handed, and he was off to jail, 611 00:36:20,910 --> 00:36:23,210 Speaker 1: or at the time, he thought he'd rot away forever, 612 00:36:23,570 --> 00:36:25,390 Speaker 1: without anyone to call to come bail him out. 613 00:36:26,610 --> 00:36:26,890 Speaker 2: Mr. 614 00:36:26,950 --> 00:36:30,890 Speaker 1: Feathered Hair snapped Kurt out of it.' Hey, you're Nirvana. Hey, look, 615 00:36:31,180 --> 00:36:34,979 Speaker 1: it's Nirvana!' Hey Nirvana, sign my pack of smokes. Kurt 616 00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:38,720 Speaker 1: recognized the voice. At least he thought he did. Aberdeen 617 00:36:38,739 --> 00:36:41,339 Speaker 1: meatheads all kind of looked the same. Maybe it was 618 00:36:41,380 --> 00:36:44,739 Speaker 1: his imagination that made the connection. This so-called fan in 619 00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:47,030 Speaker 1: the here and now. Was it possible that he was 620 00:36:47,070 --> 00:36:49,330 Speaker 1: the same cop that locked him up six years ago? 621 00:36:50,090 --> 00:36:53,030 Speaker 1: The irony was too much for Kurt. He turned his stomach, 622 00:36:53,730 --> 00:36:56,250 Speaker 1: grabbed the pen, ripped off the cellophane from the pack 623 00:36:56,270 --> 00:36:59,560 Speaker 1: of Marlboro Reds. signed Mr. Feathered Hair's box of smokes 624 00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:02,359 Speaker 1: with an illegible scribble and walked fast out the door. 625 00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:07,680 Speaker 1: Kurt had what he wanted, success, but it was not 626 00:37:07,700 --> 00:37:10,489 Speaker 1: what he expected. With the help of MTV and the 627 00:37:10,550 --> 00:37:13,370 Speaker 1: strength of the surreal and captivating video for Smells Like 628 00:37:13,410 --> 00:37:17,290 Speaker 1: Teen Spirit, his band had become so popular, so mainstream, 629 00:37:17,330 --> 00:37:21,029 Speaker 1: that now, the same log-headed, mustachioed rednecks who beat him 630 00:37:21,110 --> 00:37:24,330 Speaker 1: up and ridiculed him back in Aberdeen, to Kurt, all 631 00:37:24,390 --> 00:37:28,510 Speaker 1: different versions of his mother's ex-boyfriends, were now, card-carrying members 632 00:37:28,550 --> 00:37:33,589 Speaker 1: of the Nirvana fan club. What the fuck? You spend 633 00:37:33,610 --> 00:37:36,780 Speaker 1: your life as an outsider, thoroughly unwanted by almost everyone. 634 00:37:38,620 --> 00:37:41,120 Speaker 1: Your parents don't want you. Your school doesn't want you. 635 00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:44,440 Speaker 1: You have few friends. You don't fit in and you're ridiculed, 636 00:37:44,480 --> 00:37:47,830 Speaker 1: so you turn inward. But there's always music. It's inside 637 00:37:47,850 --> 00:37:50,110 Speaker 1: of you and outside of you. It's punk rock and 638 00:37:50,150 --> 00:37:52,930 Speaker 1: it's freedoms. You hole up in your room or at 639 00:37:52,969 --> 00:37:55,910 Speaker 1: your friend's house where you're crashing, consuming culture that is 640 00:37:55,989 --> 00:37:59,430 Speaker 1: cast off by most kids. You read Burroughs and Bukowski. 641 00:37:59,690 --> 00:38:01,860 Speaker 1: You listen to Bad Brains and Black Flag and The 642 00:38:01,920 --> 00:38:05,560 Speaker 1: Beatles and Black Sabbath, and somehow you feel yourself reflected back. 643 00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:09,000 Speaker 1: There are others like you, other punks who live music, 644 00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:12,640 Speaker 1: a loose-knit crew of outsiders. So maybe you're not so alone. 645 00:38:12,780 --> 00:38:15,450 Speaker 1: You have kin, and you find freedom and connection, find 646 00:38:15,489 --> 00:38:19,819 Speaker 1: a path for yourself, a way out. Music. You immerse 647 00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:22,750 Speaker 1: yourself so fully in it and everything else that you love, 648 00:38:22,850 --> 00:38:27,690 Speaker 1: horror movies, cartoons, comics, you love it all because it's dependable, stable. 649 00:38:28,010 --> 00:38:30,350 Speaker 1: It can't kick you out. You find a couple of 650 00:38:30,410 --> 00:38:32,509 Speaker 1: kids you think you're cool enough to play music with 651 00:38:32,550 --> 00:38:35,170 Speaker 1: and you jam. Then you play some shows and suddenly, 652 00:38:35,450 --> 00:38:39,040 Speaker 1: through the powers of repetition, osmosis, and just fucking doing it, 653 00:38:39,190 --> 00:38:42,310 Speaker 1: everything you've ingested, all the seven inches in comic books 654 00:38:42,370 --> 00:38:45,310 Speaker 1: and classic rock cassettes and horror movies, all of it 655 00:38:45,350 --> 00:38:48,529 Speaker 1: comes out in a semi-formed voice that is uniquely you. 656 00:38:49,930 --> 00:38:51,830 Speaker 1: Your music starts to get out into the world and 657 00:38:51,850 --> 00:38:53,430 Speaker 1: you wake up one day and you learn that you 658 00:38:53,469 --> 00:38:56,380 Speaker 1: aren't the only one. There are millions of other disaffected 659 00:38:56,410 --> 00:38:58,450 Speaker 1: kids who feel the same as you. And you've given 660 00:38:58,489 --> 00:39:00,940 Speaker 1: them a voice. You've set it to a beat that is, 661 00:39:01,140 --> 00:39:05,480 Speaker 1: almost by accident, unique. You've become the zeitgeist. Everyone is 662 00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:07,739 Speaker 1: picking up what you're putting down. Even the people who 663 00:39:07,780 --> 00:39:10,660 Speaker 1: you despise. Who drove you into your corner to create 664 00:39:10,700 --> 00:39:14,020 Speaker 1: what you created in the first place. The jocks, the squares, 665 00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:17,230 Speaker 1: the Mr. Mustaches and Tree Fuck Johnsons. All of them 666 00:39:17,270 --> 00:39:19,480 Speaker 1: are into you, and they like to sing along, but 667 00:39:19,520 --> 00:39:22,680 Speaker 1: they know not what it means. They've given you everything, 668 00:39:22,860 --> 00:39:25,700 Speaker 1: but what you really need is someone, someone to let 669 00:39:25,719 --> 00:39:29,170 Speaker 1: you collapse into, who will listen, who will protect you, 670 00:39:29,860 --> 00:39:32,600 Speaker 1: someone to love, who will love you back. You need 671 00:39:32,640 --> 00:39:34,980 Speaker 1: somewhere to go to lay your heavy head. You need 672 00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:40,150 Speaker 1: a home and someone to make it with. Otherwise, look out, Oblivion, 673 00:39:40,870 --> 00:40:05,250 Speaker 1: because here you come. Disgraceland was created by yours truly 674 00:40:05,270 --> 00:40:08,440 Speaker 1: and is produced in partnership with Double Elvis. Credits for 675 00:40:08,460 --> 00:40:10,800 Speaker 1: this episode can be found on the show notes page 676 00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:15,780 Speaker 1: at disgracelandpod.com. If you're listening as a Disgraceland All Access member, 677 00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,480 Speaker 1: thank you for supporting the show. We really appreciate it. 678 00:40:18,930 --> 00:40:21,089 Speaker 1: And if not, you can become a member right now 679 00:40:21,170 --> 00:40:26,040 Speaker 1: by going to disgracelandpod.com slash membership. Members can listen to 680 00:40:26,300 --> 00:40:30,460 Speaker 1: every episode of Disgraceland ad-free. Plus, you'll get one brand 681 00:40:30,500 --> 00:40:32,580 Speaker 1: new exclusive episode every month. 682 00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:37,109 Speaker 2: Weekly unscripted bonus episodes, special audio collections, and early access 683 00:40:37,150 --> 00:40:42,850 Speaker 2: to merchandise and events. Visit DisgracelandPod.com slash membership for details. 684 00:40:43,290 --> 00:40:46,150 Speaker 2: Rate and review the show and follow us on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, 685 00:40:46,250 --> 00:40:50,839 Speaker 2: and Facebook at DisgracelandPod. And on YouTube at YouTube.com slash 686 00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:52,400 Speaker 2: at DisgracelandPod. 687 00:40:53,380 --> 00:41:00,230 Speaker 1: Rock and roll up. He's a bad, bad man. Hey guys, 688 00:41:00,250 --> 00:41:02,890 Speaker 1: thanks for checking out this Rewind episode of Disgraceland on Nirvana. 689 00:41:02,930 --> 00:41:05,669 Speaker 1: That was part one. Part two comes up right now.