Speaker 1: Yeah, wind Down with Janna Kramer and I Heart Radio Podcast,
Speaker 1: Episode four. I'm so excited. I'm super excited to wine
Speaker 1: down today with all of you because we're talking about sex. Baby,
Speaker 1: let's talk about you and me and we have an expert. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Mike's here, Well we have to. Mike is back. Mike
Speaker 1: is back for his grand return, and we brought him
Speaker 1: in for the Sex in Tennessee episode. I mean, is
Speaker 1: this like a couples therapy that's like on air right now? Like,
Speaker 1: what are we doing here? Do you have questions? Did
Speaker 1: you come with them? No? She has to think. Janna
Speaker 1: doesn't steer me. I told you we were talking about sex.
Speaker 1: I don't know. She talks about so much. I can't
Speaker 1: listen to everything. I think I think you tuned me
Speaker 1: in and tune me out sometimes. But no, we're talking
Speaker 1: about sex and intimacy today, and that's something that we
Speaker 1: have issues with in the bedroom. Yes, I think everybody does.
Speaker 1: I know, I think everybody is too. And you just
Speaker 1: had your anniversary. Yeah, we just had our anniversary, and
Speaker 1: you know I had fund you have and we just
Speaker 1: kind of answer people you were just dying to ask. Alright,
Speaker 1: So bab um I think, what do you what do
Speaker 1: you think are what do you think our biggest issue
Speaker 1: in the bedroom is? Um, A lot of it is
Speaker 1: communication and expectations. I think, um, you know, where if
Speaker 1: we try to get in the space of reading each
Speaker 1: other's mind and you know, oh, it's been a couple
Speaker 1: of days, we're gonna have sex, and uh, you know
Speaker 1: that person you know isn't in the mood or too
Speaker 1: tired or this or that, then the other person feels
Speaker 1: like that. UM. I know for me in particular, you know,
Speaker 1: the the stereotype for men is that we're just light
Speaker 1: switches and no matter what, we can just have sex
Speaker 1: just you know, as soon as our wives are significant
Speaker 1: others say that, we're just like, all right, let's do it.
Speaker 1: So you're saying it's more mental for you. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think men in general, I don't think you know, I
Speaker 1: think more guys can relate than people might. People might
Speaker 1: be surprised with how many men can relate the fact that,
Speaker 1: especially when you're involved with someone with intimacy, that it
Speaker 1: takes a lot more than just hey on, let's go
Speaker 1: have sex. It's like, sometimes we want some four play,
Speaker 1: sometimes we want to be one and dined a little
Speaker 1: bit and like feel special and stroke our ego a
Speaker 1: little bit and then you know that might build our
Speaker 1: confidence or whatever it may be. Yeah, I mean I
Speaker 1: definitely hear you, because I mean, I know we have
Speaker 1: some arguments where it's you know, I and I think
Speaker 1: unfortunately the infidelity piece plays a part in this because
Speaker 1: there's times when I'm like, you know, I do want
Speaker 1: to have sex, but and I and I play the
Speaker 1: game of waiting for you to come to me because
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, you know, why doesn't he want me?
Speaker 1: Why doesn't he want to sleep with me when he would,
Speaker 1: you know if since he slept with someone else. I
Speaker 1: think that does play a part with like my head
Speaker 1: and like where you know, and I know other listeners
Speaker 1: that have you know, have infidelity in the relationship, like
Speaker 1: that is you know something they said that is a
Speaker 1: problem because they like, we want to feel wanted and chosen,
Speaker 1: you know, when y'all didn't choose us. And so it's
Speaker 1: like I guess like for me, it's like I wish
Speaker 1: we could find someone that could help us, like get
Speaker 1: out of our heads because I think we we we
Speaker 1: are both mentally like when we're in bed, like you
Speaker 1: have anxiety, like, god, I I have to, but I mean,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm tired from worker, but she's you know,
Speaker 1: she probably she wants. And then I'm like, I'm not
Speaker 1: pretty enough and I'm not I'm insecure, and I'm like
Speaker 1: why doesn't he choose me? And like I feel rejected again,
Speaker 1: and it's like I feel like it's like, how do
Speaker 1: we stay like how do we stay present? How do
Speaker 1: we stay in the moment? How do we you know,
Speaker 1: and not feel like we're having to meet these grand
Speaker 1: expectations is something that we might not be able to
Speaker 1: or at the time even too. It's not saying that
Speaker 1: you don't think I'm pretty or you don't think that
Speaker 1: you don't want to have sex with me, but you know,
Speaker 1: when infidelity does play apart, that's what affects our sex life.
Speaker 1: And then you know, I get upset. You get upset,
Speaker 1: and you're like, you know, I think in general, you know,
Speaker 1: especially when there is infidelity infidelity involved, communication is key,
Speaker 1: and I think you and I have slowly gotten better
Speaker 1: at this, at communicating and coming to each other and
Speaker 1: be like, hey, I'm starting to feel this way. It's
Speaker 1: been a couple of days. I'm starting to feel you know,
Speaker 1: these triggers are coming up or these feelings are coming up,
Speaker 1: like and then you know, anytime you've done that to me,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my gosh, like, no, that's not it
Speaker 1: at all, Like I've genuinely been tired or you know,
Speaker 1: generally just haven't been in the mood. But I love
Speaker 1: you so much and yes, let's connect or whatever it
Speaker 1: may be. Um. So I think that's a big part,
Speaker 1: especially when infidelity is involved, because just like I said
Speaker 1: in the last episode, I was on, I don't want
Speaker 1: to feel tested, and I feel like there's passive aggressiveness
Speaker 1: in the sense of like I know you're waiting for me,
Speaker 1: but there's hasn't been any talk about it. And then
Speaker 1: I in my head and I'm like, because I want
Speaker 1: to feel chosen. I want to feel like that you like,
Speaker 1: you know, part of me is like you left me,
Speaker 1: so now choose me, like jump on me, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. Like, and so that's like that's hard.
Speaker 1: But I also know in your mind it's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's been a long day, we have Jolie, and you're tired,
Speaker 1: and we're tired, and maybe I just want and maybe
Speaker 1: you just want to go to sleep. It's not because
Speaker 1: you don't think I'm prettier, but it's just so it's
Speaker 1: it's it's interesting like how both of our minds can
Speaker 1: be two different places and then but yeah, we can
Speaker 1: both be frustrated and that's just that's hard. And I
Speaker 1: know the communication and you're right, we have done a
Speaker 1: better job at that, but it's still like sometimes we're
Speaker 1: like you say that you want the four play too
Speaker 1: or and it's like, but sometimes I think like the
Speaker 1: person that has been effected and fidelity wants to four
Speaker 1: play more because it's like, you know, like the other
Speaker 1: day when you're like surprised and I was like, you know,
Speaker 1: like it made me feel special. It made me feel
Speaker 1: like you know, even though it was you know, it
Speaker 1: was incredibly spontaneous, and then I was I was like,
Speaker 1: oh wow, like I didn't feel like your wife, like
Speaker 1: just like you know, lay next to you. I don't know,
Speaker 1: I just it was something different that like it was
Speaker 1: it was nice. I just felt like it was like
Speaker 1: you you wanted me, and I felt and wanted. So
Speaker 1: I just know that I like the spontaneous. Yeah, the
Speaker 1: spontaneity is I think key two when there's issue every
Speaker 1: once in a while, for sure, every once in a while,
Speaker 1: like you and I have where it's just you know,
Speaker 1: if it starts to become this planning thing, then I
Speaker 1: get in my head especially and it's just like anxiety
Speaker 1: like build up to performing and you know, my insecurities
Speaker 1: or what however I feel about myself in that moment
Speaker 1: might take over, you know, how I really feel or
Speaker 1: how I want to be with you. Um. You know again,
Speaker 1: that's something that I'm sure most men won't really admit,
Speaker 1: is you know, insecurities that they may have with performing
Speaker 1: or uh, you know issues with intimacy, which you know
Speaker 1: I have where you know me, I never connected sex
Speaker 1: and intimacy and love together before in my life. Now,
Speaker 1: being in a real relationship with you that deals with
Speaker 1: intimacy and really growing together as a couple as to
Speaker 1: human beings like that is so uncomfortable for me. But
Speaker 1: I'm trying to do that. I'm trying to get to
Speaker 1: that level like of intimacy and like what that's really like.
Speaker 1: And again I think a lot of people don't look
Speaker 1: into it like that. I mean, And that's the thing, yes,
Speaker 1: I mean, and I thank you for like saying that
Speaker 1: because but it but it also makes me sad because
Speaker 1: I'm like, I want that intimacy. I want that like
Speaker 1: that and not just like not just sex. I know
Speaker 1: intimacy isn't just sex. It's everything like leading up to
Speaker 1: it in our relationship and communication. And I know that,
Speaker 1: like you know, sex and intimacy, you haven't coupled together.
Speaker 1: So I mean, what is what are you doing too? Well,
Speaker 1: that's the thing. I think, you know, I'm starting to
Speaker 1: and I think you're seeing that that I'm starting to
Speaker 1: correlate the two. And it's it's not a decision that
Speaker 1: I have made in my life. It's not like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm just I'm gonna have issues with intimacy. I choose that. No,
Speaker 1: it's just, you know, things that have happened throughout my
Speaker 1: life that have caused me to to not relate sex
Speaker 1: and love and intimacy, and uh so it's just different
Speaker 1: for me. It's different and having to go through that
Speaker 1: at you know, thirty one years old, when I spent
Speaker 1: the whole rest of my life not correlating the two,
Speaker 1: Is that's a change. Do you think it's possible? Absolutely?
Speaker 1: I think it's already. I've already shown at times it's possible,
Speaker 1: and it's just only something that I can by practicing
Speaker 1: by taking contrary action from what I would do in
Speaker 1: the past and putting myself in uncomfortable situations, which is
Speaker 1: very hard to do, but choosing to do that because
Speaker 1: I want to grow with you. Thank you for sharing. Wow.
Speaker 1: So I'm just I'm so curious. What what was the
Speaker 1: intimacy level before the infidelity? What was it like you
Speaker 1: two as a couple before the infidelity? The problem was,
Speaker 1: I mean, do you want to say it or go ahead?
Speaker 1: Go ahead? No, I'll let do it because I don't
Speaker 1: want to, like, I don't want to get you mad
Speaker 1: at me. I don't want to say that because I
Speaker 1: know how sensitive you are to certain things, and I
Speaker 1: know this is this is hard, it's not easy. But again,
Speaker 1: like you know, you have realized like how many people
Speaker 1: we are helping as well. But from my take of it,
Speaker 1: it was great in the very beginning, Like but then again,
Speaker 1: he meets someone that he loves and he's struggled with
Speaker 1: intimacy his entire life. So it was in the beginning,
Speaker 1: you know, where it was like, I'm like, what what happened?
Speaker 1: Like what why are you not what's up? Like you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, Like what's going on? Like this
Speaker 1: isn't this isn't good? Why are you not what? Why
Speaker 1: are you not wanting to sex with me? Why is
Speaker 1: why is it not working in this sexual capacity? Being
Speaker 1: a whole and a whole and you know, mean and
Speaker 1: short tempered and not the loving, you know, compassionate, supporting
Speaker 1: boyfriend I was at the beginning, and then what it
Speaker 1: turned into. And I mean we had a luck. I
Speaker 1: say this any time we talked to somebody, because I
Speaker 1: think it's no excuse. But having said that, there are
Speaker 1: things in life that happened, happened, like circumstances that affect
Speaker 1: the outcome. And in the span of six months, we
Speaker 1: bought a house together, we got engaged, we got married,
Speaker 1: we got pregnant, and I was transitioning out of the
Speaker 1: only career I've ever done, I've ever had. Okay, but
Speaker 1: that's not the main reason though. No, No, I'm not
Speaker 1: saying that. I'm just saying circumstances like like happen in
Speaker 1: life that maybe caused me to be even that much
Speaker 1: more disconnected. But the core is you fell in love
Speaker 1: with me. You have intimacy issues. You don't connect love
Speaker 1: and sex together. So from way past, like way before, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: my point in saying that because yes, I've always had
Speaker 1: I didn't correlate love in intimacy and sex and all
Speaker 1: that stuff, so that on top of all those other things,
Speaker 1: it was like, you know, perfect storm in my in
Speaker 1: my brain, can we explain? And then there was the
Speaker 1: cheating before, and so then that just still Let so
Speaker 1: is our sex life has been you know, yeah, but
Speaker 1: I mean it's it's been a work in progress because
Speaker 1: of those issues and the intimacy. Is it when you
Speaker 1: actually physically emotionally fall in love, did it trigger the
Speaker 1: intimacy issues? Yeah, so you didn't have them when you
Speaker 1: were just dating. It was as you were falling in love.
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to like he would a few women
Speaker 1: in my past that it was like it was it
Speaker 1: was kind of weird. I kind of laughed at myself
Speaker 1: about it. But it's like I knew I really liked
Speaker 1: the girl when I started having like yeah, like literally
Speaker 1: it was like an alarm clock going off from my body.
Speaker 1: It's like like it would happen. I'm that holy shop,
Speaker 1: I must really like this girl. I must like like
Speaker 1: her a lot, and it's only happened to small amount
Speaker 1: of women and the girls were like, uh, do are
Speaker 1: we not hot right now? Like what's going on? I mean?
Speaker 1: And eventually I got past it and things were okay,
Speaker 1: but still just especially initially, it's just it was really weird.
Speaker 1: But is it fear? Is it? But at the same time,
Speaker 1: you'd go off and be with somebody else easily, but
Speaker 1: with the person you loved, he wouldn't. And that's why
Speaker 1: I've been unfaithful in every relationship I've ever had ever. Wow, Yeah,
Speaker 1: yeah it sucks. So yeah, it's not easy. But now
Speaker 1: you're working on it. Now you guys are working on it.
Speaker 1: Is yes, we are, but it's you know, it's it's
Speaker 1: still hard for I think for you because it's like
Speaker 1: you want to not be always the perpetrator, and you
Speaker 1: have been in every single one of your relationships. It's
Speaker 1: hard when you want to do something but then like
Speaker 1: your body, your brain doesn't want to cooperate, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, Like your your brain and heart are
Speaker 1: two different things, you know, and it's tough to kind
Speaker 1: of get the both of them on the same path,
Speaker 1: get them in sync, get them in sync on what
Speaker 1: you really want to do. Um Man, this is harder
Speaker 1: to talk about. I thought, um I'm proud of you though,
Speaker 1: for I mean like admitting you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: admitting that, And honestly, that's what drew us together in
Speaker 1: the first place, because I've cheated plenty in my past,
Speaker 1: not proud of it. But when we got together, we
Speaker 1: both were like and I was like I would. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna honked you. I cheated on my last relationship.
Speaker 1: I cheated on them one before up and I cheated
Speaker 1: on the one before that. Not proud of it. But
Speaker 1: I want to be different in this relationship. I want
Speaker 1: to love you, only love you and be with you.
Speaker 1: And what hurt was that he said the same thing,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, He's like me too, I
Speaker 1: have it. It's like we finally found someone that like
Speaker 1: we got each other. Yeah, and that's why that's where
Speaker 1: we connected so quick, so fast, because we loved the
Speaker 1: flaws in one another. Like you know, I feel like
Speaker 1: the majority of the time when people first start dating,
Speaker 1: people asked that, like have you ever cheated? And everyone's like, no,
Speaker 1: like you give the political answer when more times or not,
Speaker 1: they probably have. Did you feel like a mirror? It
Speaker 1: was just nice to and finally someone didn't judge me too,
Speaker 1: because I'm like, it's it sucks and I'm not proud
Speaker 1: of it at all, But I knew what I wanted
Speaker 1: to do different in this relationship. So you know, when
Speaker 1: there was infidelity again his side, I was like, damn it.
Speaker 1: You know, we talked like we said we were going
Speaker 1: to be different, you know, like and so that was like,
Speaker 1: that was that was just hard for me. And I
Speaker 1: know he wants to be different, you know, and he
Speaker 1: has act of working on his stuff and you know,
Speaker 1: and you know, I'm proud of you for for owning
Speaker 1: all of it too and wanting to be better and
Speaker 1: wanting to have intimacy because the fact that you even
Speaker 1: want to work on your intimacy and is huge because
Speaker 1: you could have easily, I mean, the easiest thing for you, Mike,
Speaker 1: out of all this was to leave and starting a
Speaker 1: relationship relationship with someone else that you haven't heard, haven't
Speaker 1: doesn't have triggers, and that would have been the easiest
Speaker 1: thing for you to do. And you yes, yes, but
Speaker 1: I mean I give you a lot because I mean
Speaker 1: it was I feel like it's a it's a bigger
Speaker 1: uphill battle for you with you know everything, so um
Speaker 1: and like totally like changing your ways and you know
Speaker 1: being but you know who you want to be, and
Speaker 1: I know who you want to be to know who
Speaker 1: you can be. So thank you for again being just
Speaker 1: super honest. And I think this is going to help
Speaker 1: a lot of people. It's a tough subject to talk about.
Speaker 1: It is, I can see and you're okay, so have
Speaker 1: to talk to you guys about something. Um, I like
Speaker 1: brushing my teeth. I brushed my teeth twice a day. Um,
Speaker 1: well most of the time. But um, what I love
Speaker 1: about this new toothbrush I'm using is that accused me
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Speaker 1: the other day and I was like, Mom, I gotta
Speaker 1: brush my teeth. She's like, oh, I will too, So
Speaker 1: we're facetiming. She's like two minutes. And what I love
Speaker 1: about it is that my toothbrush is actually time. So
Speaker 1: my mom stopped at like thirty seconds and she's like, wow,
Speaker 1: two minutes is really long. I'm like, yeah, Mom, I know.
Speaker 1: That's why I gotta get quip because it's an electronic toothbrush.
Speaker 1: It's it literally has a timer in there, so it
Speaker 1: helps you clean for the dentist recommended two minutes with pulsaying.
Speaker 1: So it really, really like the vibration helps clean my
Speaker 1: teeth so much. So I feel like my teeth are
Speaker 1: just cleaner, and it's so much better than a regular toothbrush,
Speaker 1: because again, I just think having that vibration on your
Speaker 1: teeth really gets the cook out. And I think it's fantastic.
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Speaker 1: Let's let's talk to UM an expert we have on
Speaker 1: the line right now, right now, right now, right now.
Speaker 1: Her name is Uh. I don't want to butcher this, Shari,
Speaker 1: Is it sure? Right? Okay? I was like I was
Speaker 1: gonna say, Cherry, I'm sorry, but Suary it. How are you?
Speaker 1: I'm great? How are you good? I'm just sitting here
Speaker 1: talking with my husband about sex my favorite topics so perfect,
Speaker 1: and we're you know, we're just kind of and also
Speaker 1: producer Jenna's here with us, and UM, you know, we're
Speaker 1: just kind of talking about how we're now building our
Speaker 1: sex life through infidelity and intimacy and UM, if you
Speaker 1: have any helpful hints, I think or managing expectations too
Speaker 1: is something that I think of my husband, like mind
Speaker 1: reading or having expectations too to please me and to um. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: so the infidelity happened on whose part mine? Okay? And
Speaker 1: you both want to rebuild and get back to a
Speaker 1: place or get to a new place in the relations.
Speaker 1: We want to obviously, I mean we're we're working on
Speaker 1: our marriage, what would be helpful, like, okay, So for me,
Speaker 1: I'll tell you what I need, and then my husband
Speaker 1: you can say what you might need. But for me,
Speaker 1: I want to know how do I stop with the comparisons?
Speaker 1: First of all, because I have a lot of insecurities
Speaker 1: and I get in my head a lot like how
Speaker 1: do I stay present with the man that I'm in
Speaker 1: bed with now, not who he was right? And then
Speaker 1: comparing and then also you know, if he doesn't want
Speaker 1: to sleep with me because he's tired, how do I
Speaker 1: not like be like, well, you wanted to sleep with
Speaker 1: so and so, why won't you be with me? Of course,
Speaker 1: Oh these are great questions. And let me just start
Speaker 1: by saying that I went through this too, So I
Speaker 1: was in your shoes and I've worked with so many
Speaker 1: clients to get through this, and it's absolutely possible. So
Speaker 1: what would be paramount is that you two decide what
Speaker 1: you want now. You know, maybe where you were before
Speaker 1: there were some holes in the relation, tip or one
Speaker 1: or the both of you were not getting everything that
Speaker 1: you needed, and so to create a new vision for
Speaker 1: the relationship is really key. To say okay in the
Speaker 1: future as we're you know, day by day rebuilding what
Speaker 1: are we building and really get on the same page
Speaker 1: about what it is that you want together, because I
Speaker 1: imagine there's something better to walk into. You know, you
Speaker 1: can learn a lot from this instead of walking away
Speaker 1: from it. So if you're both on the same page
Speaker 1: about what that vision is, that's going to help a
Speaker 1: lot because then you're holding that as opposed to something
Speaker 1: from the past. You know, we know what happened, but
Speaker 1: here's where we're going and work, you know, working towards
Speaker 1: that is going to be a great container to stay
Speaker 1: focused on what you two are building. Like art, you know,
Speaker 1: it's something you're creating together, future focused and then in
Speaker 1: the present for you, you know, there's some work that
Speaker 1: you can do just in individually to look at what
Speaker 1: what's the blessing of this? It showed you that you've
Speaker 1: got some some insecurity, some sense of now questioning who
Speaker 1: you are, and so in that there's a giant lesson,
Speaker 1: there's giant growth for you and that you know, any
Speaker 1: of us has that opportunity. But the fact that you
Speaker 1: have that in your hands now you can say, all right,
Speaker 1: how do I see myself and really go into some
Speaker 1: exploration of how do I identify am I the girl
Speaker 1: who has cheated on? Or am I you know, some
Speaker 1: really beautiful soul on this planet who's worthy of love,
Speaker 1: who has their own unique flavor of love to give,
Speaker 1: and and start really amplifying how you see yourself. You know,
Speaker 1: I see that there's these life stages that we go
Speaker 1: through as men and women, and as a woman, you're
Speaker 1: going through. Can I ask how old you are? I'm
Speaker 1: thirty four, okay, so right about that age. You're in
Speaker 1: what we would call like the princess age before you
Speaker 1: become a queen. So it sounds really silly, but I
Speaker 1: think it's a great sort of metaphor that we can
Speaker 1: relate to. Is that you're learning about your power right now,
Speaker 1: and in short order, as you start to approach forty,
Speaker 1: you're going to step into that power so holy and
Speaker 1: become the queen you know, and then and beyond that,
Speaker 1: there's other stages, but these these stages are important for
Speaker 1: you to know about. Now that you get to you
Speaker 1: get to be playing with your power and what that
Speaker 1: means as a woman. You know, how you want to
Speaker 1: be treated, how much love you have to give, Identifying
Speaker 1: with yourself as a really powerful form of love on
Speaker 1: this planet for that man that no other woman can
Speaker 1: compare to, frankly, because there's no other woman exactly like you,
Speaker 1: And so I would spend my time filter sting on
Speaker 1: your own unique gifts and the own you know, your
Speaker 1: own ways of expressing because when you really you know
Speaker 1: except that and your own way of being, then yeah,
Speaker 1: there are a million other flavors of women out there,
Speaker 1: but when you're really aligned with yours, you become irresistible.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm, I hear you. There's two parts in me.
Speaker 1: One that's like yeah, absolutely, like I am like I
Speaker 1: am beautiful, and then in other parts like, well then
Speaker 1: why didn't he choose me? Right? Well, that'd be a
Speaker 1: really good question. I'd love to hear his answer. I
Speaker 1: need both your names. I'm Jane, and then this is
Speaker 1: my husband, Mike. Hi, Mike. Yeah, tell me there's there's
Speaker 1: a truth here that you there was something you weren't
Speaker 1: getting in life, and maybe not just from Janna, but
Speaker 1: just in life. Have you guys had that conversation where
Speaker 1: you've told her really what you were speaking? Yeah, we have, Um,
Speaker 1: you know, there's as open as we are on this show.
Speaker 1: About our issues are still some things that we keep
Speaker 1: to ourselves. UM, but her and her and I have had,
Speaker 1: you know, these conversations and they've been ongoing. Um. You know,
Speaker 1: it's been two years now almost um since since kind
Speaker 1: of discovery. But um, you know, there's a lot of
Speaker 1: things that I was missing. I mean, you know, I
Speaker 1: could spend all day talking about. But our important thing
Speaker 1: now is kind of as you said, it's rebuilding who
Speaker 1: we are as individuals, as two separate human beings, and
Speaker 1: then within that coming together stronger than we ever ever were.
Speaker 1: And you know, there we don't have to be um,
Speaker 1: codependent on one another, you know, and wake up in
Speaker 1: the morning and say, you know, how, hey, honey, how
Speaker 1: how am I? How do I feel today? How am
Speaker 1: I feeling? You know, and depend on each other to
Speaker 1: kind of dictate our emotions are our feelings that day,
Speaker 1: which I think we did for a while at the
Speaker 1: beginning of the beginning of our marriage when we started
Speaker 1: hitting some just you know, real world regular stresses in
Speaker 1: life and became kind of codependent on one another and
Speaker 1: kind of lost part of ourselves in that. Um, I
Speaker 1: know I did for sure, so and a huge piece
Speaker 1: of it too. Is that he does struggle with intimacy,
Speaker 1: and so that is also an issue like with you
Speaker 1: know why he has treated in previous relationships and then
Speaker 1: in ours as well. Um, but I think now like
Speaker 1: as we are coupling together again, you know, how does
Speaker 1: I mean, Mike, Like, your biggest thing is the mind
Speaker 1: reading and expectations? Is that you would say is your Um? Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's definitely one of them. Um, you know it's for
Speaker 1: me again, Like I said before, I don't want to
Speaker 1: feel tested, and so I would like to know what's
Speaker 1: out on the table as opposed to in your mind.
Speaker 1: You might have these expectations and if I don't meet them,
Speaker 1: you get upset when well, that's not fair because I
Speaker 1: never knew what they were. So I don't know because
Speaker 1: we're again, we're two different people and we think different ways, right,
Speaker 1: So how would deal with that? Then there's there's a
Speaker 1: short pad around this that is really just the simplest
Speaker 1: question and getting really good at asking this question and
Speaker 1: giving honest answers and moment to moment, baby, what do
Speaker 1: you need? What do you need? Right? Okay? I hear that.
Speaker 1: At the same time, like I want him to be
Speaker 1: able to I don't want to have to tell him
Speaker 1: what I need. I hear you because you guys have
Speaker 1: probably been together for a long time, right, I mean
Speaker 1: we've been together for you know, three and three and
Speaker 1: a half four years. But it's like, I'm like, I'm
Speaker 1: laying in bed, I got a really sexy lingerie thing on. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I want you to jump me right now. I don't
Speaker 1: want you to. I don't have to tell you to
Speaker 1: jump me. You know, like I totally get it. And
Speaker 1: and for for us as women, we find it really
Speaker 1: reassuring that you know us right, that you that you
Speaker 1: can catch our cues. And I'm like, I'm wearing I'm
Speaker 1: not wearing like, you know, your big sweatshirt, like hellow.
Speaker 1: And then he's just like good night, babe, And I'm like,
Speaker 1: what the what do I want? Baby? Like that's what
Speaker 1: I want. I want the baby Like on the air,
Speaker 1: we could sit out loud that it's now a new
Speaker 1: code that if mama's wearing lingerie that means I want
Speaker 1: the Yeah, yeah exactly. But I mean I guess, like
Speaker 1: I guess the times that you know I you know
Speaker 1: that I'm not wearing the lingeree and I still might
Speaker 1: want to is it is it conscious? Should there be
Speaker 1: conscious times for both of us, even if we're tired
Speaker 1: or whatever, to try, I guess, or to like make
Speaker 1: the effort because I don't Again, I just I don't.
Speaker 1: I have hard time. I don't want to ask for that. No,
Speaker 1: you want it to be natural. You want to feel wanted,
Speaker 1: you want absolutely you do so, so here's another way
Speaker 1: if it's to be something else, because that's not gonna work.
Speaker 1: It's incredibly generous to have that shortcut to sometimes know
Speaker 1: that he's going to be thinking of other things, or
Speaker 1: have had a busy day, or be really tired and
Speaker 1: just not know. And that is universally a trait that
Speaker 1: we struggle with with anyone who identifies masculine. There in
Speaker 1: a single focused mindset, and they're not always going to
Speaker 1: be able to penetrate the depths of our being and
Speaker 1: figure out what we're feeling. He should try, right, Mike,
Speaker 1: I would think you'd be willing to try to get
Speaker 1: in there, to give her presence, to get to know
Speaker 1: her more deeply. I think today it would be really
Speaker 1: amazing if you could just sign up to always know
Speaker 1: that she's saying she wants you, and he's wearing. It
Speaker 1: helps when you start to learn those cues that build trust.
Speaker 1: But for the times that you you don't want to
Speaker 1: do that, I think there's there's got to be um
Speaker 1: an understanding. So let's say you know he's tired, but
Speaker 1: you really want him if we flipped it, if you
Speaker 1: were really tired and he want to do if you
Speaker 1: had the ability to say, look, there are a few
Speaker 1: things that I need first, I need the dishwasher, Anthony,
Speaker 1: I need to think aback, there are a couple of
Speaker 1: things I need in order to be able to give
Speaker 1: that to you that you guys should be able to
Speaker 1: ask for that. Like he may be tired and he
Speaker 1: can say I can have a quickie, I can't spend
Speaker 1: an hour. You know that there be a little negotiating
Speaker 1: because I think that's what we call level three relationships,
Speaker 1: which is really just all about giving, trying to be
Speaker 1: a source of your partner's needs. And that's another conversation
Speaker 1: we can go into more deeply if you want, but
Speaker 1: it's it's taking the stance of being just a total
Speaker 1: giver and wanting to give to your lap. So if
Speaker 1: she really needs you, then Mike, you get to ask
Speaker 1: for what you know, do you get to take a
Speaker 1: power nott first, You're gonna get a coffee? You like,
Speaker 1: what do you need in order to give her that?
Speaker 1: Because what I what I think is really helpful is
Speaker 1: to say in all relationships that you haven't you have.
Speaker 1: This is a great metaphor, but I'm a twenty four
Speaker 1: seven always open restaurant for you. But if you're going
Speaker 1: to come by around three in the morning, you got
Speaker 1: to expect that the waitress is going to be a
Speaker 1: little cranky and not give you like hard course meal,
Speaker 1: you know, and or that maybe you can just decide
Speaker 1: as a couple that there's certain hours that you're closed
Speaker 1: for business. Yeah, you know, well, and that's and that's
Speaker 1: what we had an argument about that because you know,
Speaker 1: he like woke me up, and I was like, I
Speaker 1: don't want to just be woken up like having you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. He's like, whoa, I was giving
Speaker 1: you like you want to have all the time. And
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, but I want like, yeah, I
Speaker 1: want you to maybe kiss me for I don't wake
Speaker 1: me up like when I'm dead sleep like you know,
Speaker 1: she said, she has said both like sometimes she's like
Speaker 1: I just want you to jump my bones and stuff
Speaker 1: like that. And don't get me wrong with grant and
Speaker 1: plenty of sex. And this is just where our issues
Speaker 1: come up are in these situations, right. But I mean,
Speaker 1: you've given me both signs, like you said both things.
Speaker 1: Where're like you've literally said to me, wake me up,
Speaker 1: like I won't care, Like I don't remember ever saying
Speaker 1: wake me up. You don't wake me up. So the
Speaker 1: record on the record, the greatest thing, shake me first
Speaker 1: and our mind exactly. Yes, we absolutely do change your mind.
Speaker 1: Yet now now I'm in a different now now that
Speaker 1: we're two years past in Phil don't wake me up. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So you guys decide, and and that's really generous to say,
Speaker 1: like here's what I'm opened for business. Here's my favorite.
Speaker 1: I'm open for business like sixteen hours of the day.
Speaker 1: So that's amazing. And then and then to give him
Speaker 1: a sense of what turns you on, I call them
Speaker 1: jump starts, like what would be the zero to sixty
Speaker 1: move you know that would really turn you on? And
Speaker 1: what you might know for him to like a zero
Speaker 1: to sixty move that you don't have to beg and
Speaker 1: plead you could do one or two things that you
Speaker 1: know are always going to turn him on, you know,
Speaker 1: to share that with each other really were because the
Speaker 1: common misconception, and I mean rightfully so, is that you know,
Speaker 1: men were just like light switches. We can just turn
Speaker 1: it on or you know, our spouse wants to have sex, Yeah,
Speaker 1: let's do this, like you know, no issue. Well, you know,
Speaker 1: I think, or at least for me personally, when I
Speaker 1: struggle with intimacy and and really connecting with you know,
Speaker 1: with Joanna and you know who I'm in a relationship with.
Speaker 1: For me, it's not just a light switch. Sometimes sometimes
Speaker 1: it is. I mean, shoot, yesterday it was you know, spontaneous,
Speaker 1: and you know it wasn't a big issue at all.
Speaker 1: But sometimes for me it's like I feel like, right now,
Speaker 1: she's just waiting for me to make a move and
Speaker 1: make her feel special, when sometimes in my mind, I'm like,
Speaker 1: what about me, Like I'm here too, Like I don't
Speaker 1: I don't see anything coming to me and making me
Speaker 1: feel special sometimes and I think I'm the first. I'm
Speaker 1: sorry like that you feel that way. I think for me,
Speaker 1: maybe why I don't is because I'm still in that
Speaker 1: like I want you to choose me, because I haven't
Speaker 1: felt chosen in our relationship. So I think that's where
Speaker 1: like infidelity has screwed up our sex life. But I mean,
Speaker 1: I feel like we're kind of getting into a place
Speaker 1: now where it's something that you know, that is something
Speaker 1: that I can now try more on because but and
Speaker 1: here's but here's my issue with it though when I
Speaker 1: have done it. My biggest thing is I when he
Speaker 1: rejects me, I get furious because I'm like, oh, you're
Speaker 1: rejecting me. You did not reject them, right, And so
Speaker 1: when I get rejected, if I'm telling you right now,
Speaker 1: if I start to try and I get rejected, it
Speaker 1: won't be pretty because I'm gonna be upset. And I
Speaker 1: have been before, like when I have tried, So what sure,
Speaker 1: what do I do in that instance where I'm like,
Speaker 1: I am trying and but now I'm not getting chosen
Speaker 1: or he's not going to sleep with me right right? Well,
Speaker 1: there's a number of things. I think knowing what you
Speaker 1: guys are building and being future focused or even present focus,
Speaker 1: you're going to have an easier time because what happens
Speaker 1: in that moment, which I totally get, is you go
Speaker 1: back into the past. And and that is where like
Speaker 1: I want you still to prove to me that I'm lovable.
Speaker 1: I want you to choose me. I want you to
Speaker 1: undo this. So there's there's a something a ritual that
Speaker 1: you guys have to have around for giving forgiving this
Speaker 1: and drawing a line in this band and saying we're
Speaker 1: going to move beyond this. I'm not gonna I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna make anything in the future now mean that I'm
Speaker 1: not as good as her. But what do I do
Speaker 1: when he rejects me when I'm trying so Yeah, But
Speaker 1: then that's the other thing is that you in life,
Speaker 1: you have the ability to choose the meaning for everything. Right,
Speaker 1: this guy just cut me off, I'm gonna make it mean, right,
Speaker 1: or I didn't get you know, this opportunity, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: make it mean and you can you can choose that.
Speaker 1: That's what your brain does, so you can now redefine it.
Speaker 1: If he doesn't want you in that moment it or
Speaker 1: if he's not turned on. You get to consciously decide
Speaker 1: what does this mean? And it's it's really something that
Speaker 1: I would sort of check with him on, you know, like, honey,
Speaker 1: I need some help here. What does this mean? Does
Speaker 1: it mean that you're just tired. Doesn't mean that you're
Speaker 1: not attractive to me, doesn't you know? Does it mean later,
Speaker 1: like try to find something that actually empowers you and
Speaker 1: has you feel close to him, because it's usually something
Speaker 1: that it is better than what we're making up in
Speaker 1: our minds. And I have this whole commitment to myself
Speaker 1: that my mind will make up all kinds of crazy
Speaker 1: stuff and I and it's sometimes wrong, it's most often wrong.
Speaker 1: And so I say it's in my love, Honey, I'm
Speaker 1: making up a story right now, and I'm not sure
Speaker 1: if it's true. Can I check it out with you?
Speaker 1: Because what I'm feeling right now is totally rejected, you know,
Speaker 1: and completely closed off and shut down. And I don't
Speaker 1: want to feel that. Do you think you could have
Speaker 1: that with him? Yeah? I mean I would. I would
Speaker 1: love that. It's just I'm again, in my right healthy brain,
Speaker 1: I am saying absolutely and my other and rejected, um,
Speaker 1: you know her wife, You're not you know, not feeling
Speaker 1: good enough. That hurts and I don't. I can try
Speaker 1: to work on asking him that, but again it's taking
Speaker 1: a huge leap for me to try. Yeah. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: a lot of work, and what I would say would
Speaker 1: be an easier way because you've got like your high
Speaker 1: self right, You're like you've been calling that your healthy self,
Speaker 1: your wise your self. When you're in your prefrontal cortex
Speaker 1: or you're in your heart and you're feeling safe, you
Speaker 1: can always be her and you'll have a great conversation
Speaker 1: with him. But there's gonna be the times when you
Speaker 1: get triggered or when you go out of that area
Speaker 1: straight into the amygdala and you are reptilian brain and
Speaker 1: you're going to react, and so you have to have
Speaker 1: an agreement with Mike, and Mike if you would be
Speaker 1: so generous to hold her when she gets triggered, to
Speaker 1: stay there like a redwood tree and say, Okay, this
Speaker 1: doesn't scare me. I've got this. It's it's her. Her
Speaker 1: hurt feelings will come out, and I would say, Jennifer,
Speaker 1: you just to like cry and say I feel rejected,
Speaker 1: I don't feel good right now and honest really hurts me,
Speaker 1: and and be in your vulnerability. Then Mike you get
Speaker 1: to hold that and know and know this without a
Speaker 1: shadow of a doubt, that these moments will pass. They're
Speaker 1: not going to be here forever. She's not going to
Speaker 1: test you forever, bring up the past for forever. But
Speaker 1: if you can stand there and be present to that
Speaker 1: emotion and hold it every time that comes up, that
Speaker 1: will be like one last time and it'll finally go away.
Speaker 1: She's going to work through those emotions and learn to
Speaker 1: trust you again. If you can just say you don't
Speaker 1: scare me. I got you. This doesn't mean that I'm
Speaker 1: rejecting you and reassure her, which I'm sure feels like
Speaker 1: a pain in the butt at sometimes you'd love of
Speaker 1: this to go away. But if you're willing to do
Speaker 1: that for some period of time, you'll notice major progress. Absolutely.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's sure, you're amazing. No, it's it's it's
Speaker 1: a like shere he said. It's like a trust, a
Speaker 1: trust fall. You know, it's leaning in, it's leaning into
Speaker 1: one another. And you know, just to speak my opinion
Speaker 1: on that, like if Janna came to me and you know,
Speaker 1: I just got home from work or whatever it may be,
Speaker 1: and she's, you know, wanting to be intimate however you
Speaker 1: want to call that. It's if I you know, said
Speaker 1: no whatever, that's not rejection coming from me. But if
Speaker 1: she came to me softly like she asks of me
Speaker 1: and said, hey, because you don't want to like be
Speaker 1: physical right now, this is how I'm feeling. I would
Speaker 1: immediately my guard would go down. I would not put
Speaker 1: it balls up, and I would be like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: like that is not at all like what I'm trying
Speaker 1: to portray to you, like I love you, Like that
Speaker 1: would help me be more intimate, help be you know,
Speaker 1: there for her and be that red wood and be
Speaker 1: strong for her and hold her and be like, oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, she must be feeling pain, Like that is
Speaker 1: not at all what I'm trying to do is reject you.
Speaker 1: That is huge. That is so huge because you know
Speaker 1: what we do is when we go into that and Magdula,
Speaker 1: we go into the protective outside feelings like anger and
Speaker 1: defensiveness like I'm gonna take you down, you know, like
Speaker 1: because that feels safer to us than crying and feeling
Speaker 1: how hurt and rejected we are. So it's going to
Speaker 1: take major courage on your part, Janna, but it's going
Speaker 1: to make you a lover who can stay open instead
Speaker 1: of shutting down and pushing him away. Yeah, okay, I
Speaker 1: am the world's worst at defensiveness, Like I am an
Speaker 1: ultimate defender. And for me, if she reacted in a
Speaker 1: negative way and started screaming at me saying, you don't
Speaker 1: choose me, you chose them, so on and so forth, Yeah,
Speaker 1: then I would get into a place of Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: not good enough because look at all these other things
Speaker 1: I'm doing that are right. I'm being vulnerable, I'm being honest.
Speaker 1: Clearly that's not enough for her. That's in my brain.
Speaker 1: That's what that means. Where I'm like, she's she doesn't
Speaker 1: see all the great things I am doing and changing.
Speaker 1: She's taking the one thing I didn't do right in
Speaker 1: this moment and blowing up about it. And that sends
Speaker 1: me through the roof. And she knows that. But it's
Speaker 1: just it's so hard I get in that in that situation,
Speaker 1: it's hard to control of those emotions that she must
Speaker 1: be feeling. And again she comes to me, Sauce, I
Speaker 1: just I know I do, of course, because you love her.
Speaker 1: And I'll tell you what, here's a secret superpower of yours, Mike,
Speaker 1: that if she does come to you with anger, I
Speaker 1: know that right behind it is a scared little girl
Speaker 1: who's hurting, and that if you just stand like a
Speaker 1: giant redwood tree and like, go, okay, I'm not afraid
Speaker 1: of this. The anger is just a shield and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna hold her. I'm gonna look at her in the eyes.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna listen and just watch it'll it'll come down.
Speaker 1: It's a little girl just wanting to be chosen. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't know. Jan is pretty scary. I challenge anyone
Speaker 1: to stand in front of her like a red red
Speaker 1: oak and think that you can. You totally have her
Speaker 1: heart in your hand so you can hold it. Well,
Speaker 1: I'm obsessed with you, and you are now our new
Speaker 1: life coach. People just literally are listening to whoever's listening
Speaker 1: to this, that's like a couple of therapy sessions. It
Speaker 1: really was incredible Gold And again like, there's so many
Speaker 1: people that are dealing with, you know, this issue and
Speaker 1: and sex in general, and can I reach her just
Speaker 1: a few emails just to lighten some of this a
Speaker 1: little bit um and help some of our listeners out. Okay,
Speaker 1: so it says, high Love, I have a question for you.
Speaker 1: I have a friend who was born and raised Christian.
Speaker 1: She got married two years ago and her and her
Speaker 1: husband still have sex problems. They haven't had real, normal,
Speaker 1: successful sex. What are your thoughts on that? Yes, M Well,
Speaker 1: it could be so many things. I the fact that
Speaker 1: she said Christian. You know, I grew up Catholics, so
Speaker 1: I'm I'm aware of what comes with that. And there
Speaker 1: can be a real distorted understanding of sects. There can
Speaker 1: be a lot of um, misunderstandings of how good it is,
Speaker 1: how pure it is, and you know, what a healthy
Speaker 1: thing it is. So maybe there's some issues there. Um.
Speaker 1: I think that sex is like the topic that nobody
Speaker 1: gets taught about. We don't talk about it. I mean,
Speaker 1: we have stealthy skills around it, and it really probably
Speaker 1: comes down to a skill gap, like a communication challenge
Speaker 1: and a skill gap of asking for what we need.
Speaker 1: You know, everybody needs this. It's like food and water
Speaker 1: for us as human beings. And if they have any
Speaker 1: sort of challenge around communicating what their heart's desire is
Speaker 1: or who they are and what they need, then there's
Speaker 1: just going to be a standoff. And it probably has
Speaker 1: roots and what you're experiencing, Jenna, somebody's feeling rejected and
Speaker 1: then nuts shut them down, and then one person withholds
Speaker 1: the other person automatically withholds, and so you have this
Speaker 1: domino effective withholding and then just trying to cope, you know,
Speaker 1: with Maybe this is what married sex looks like, which
Speaker 1: is a tragedy. Well, and here's here's another one. Lately,
Speaker 1: IM possibly for the last couple of years, I found
Speaker 1: myself not attracted to my husband. I absolutely love him
Speaker 1: and don't want to divorce him, but I'm finding other
Speaker 1: men more attractive. What is wrong with me? To be honest,
Speaker 1: though I had never married him for his looks, but
Speaker 1: I was definitely more attracted to him when we were dating.
Speaker 1: All of this has caused a block in our sex life.
Speaker 1: I'm wondering if a lot of this has to do
Speaker 1: with the comfort level of being married for almost four years,
Speaker 1: because nine times out of ten, he just smells bad,
Speaker 1: whether it burbs or farts, I like, she says, whether
Speaker 1: it's not him, whether it burbs, farts are a bad cough.
Speaker 1: We have been trying to better our marriage via marriage
Speaker 1: counseling books, as we can't afford a marriage counselor. I
Speaker 1: feel like I feel like can talk to him about
Speaker 1: anything except this one issue of my attractiveness to him.
Speaker 1: How can we even discuss that I feel if I
Speaker 1: told him I wasn't a percent attracted to him, that
Speaker 1: it would be a huge blow and may also lead
Speaker 1: to him thinking I don't love him. So I think
Speaker 1: I think you know you guys, Mike, and you can
Speaker 1: both as a man's perspective, and then you know from
Speaker 1: your knowledge, what do you think? Yeah, Mike, do you
Speaker 1: want to go first on that? Sure? I mean that man,
Speaker 1: that's dozy um for me. I mean, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't know if Jana gain Well, I've said that
Speaker 1: to you. I said that to you before though, Remember
Speaker 1: when the infidelity stuff happened. I said, I'm not attracted
Speaker 1: to you anymore. Yeah, but that's I gave you a reason.
Speaker 1: Well maybe well he farts and burbs and you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. That's like, hey, can you bring maybe
Speaker 1: a little bit more of the like romance? And that's
Speaker 1: what I was gonna say. You know, for me personally,
Speaker 1: I think you're the same way is Janna and I
Speaker 1: always want to impress each other, Like, I think that's
Speaker 1: the way you and I will always be is. I
Speaker 1: don't think couples should get too comfortable where they stop
Speaker 1: wanting to impress the other person. Like when Janna and
Speaker 1: I go out and we get dressed up, like we
Speaker 1: complement each other because we want to look good for
Speaker 1: one another. We don't just you know, go through go
Speaker 1: through emotions like that's you know, something we take pride.
Speaker 1: And so I think that in that relationship, that's something
Speaker 1: that they should talk about. Is like, hey, honey, like
Speaker 1: if she doesn't want to bring up his attractiveness, be
Speaker 1: like I really want to impress you and like make
Speaker 1: you feel this way about me or help you feel
Speaker 1: this way about me, and you know, maybe he'll just
Speaker 1: naturally want to do the same so she's more attracted
Speaker 1: to him. I think I think Mike's right. People do
Speaker 1: get way too comfortable. When I was married, I would
Speaker 1: end up sending like, oh, this is what I want
Speaker 1: from my anniversary, this is what I want for Hanakah,
Speaker 1: this is what I want for Christmas, this is what
Speaker 1: because he didn't know, so you end up getting. The
Speaker 1: comfort level is so high that you just become these
Speaker 1: strangers who are just emailing and texting each other yes
Speaker 1: and comitating, and you're not. There's no romance left, there's
Speaker 1: no communication, there's none of your needs are being met
Speaker 1: at any level. So they need to bring the romance back.
Speaker 1: It's only been four years. Shoot, mine was at seventeen years,
Speaker 1: so we need to work on that now. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: I'd say, you know, I completely agree with what you
Speaker 1: guys have said, and I think that there's uh an
Speaker 1: energy that also creates attraction. Sometimes we limit the definition
Speaker 1: of intimacy or attraction to just one thing, like intimacy
Speaker 1: only equals sex versus touching and talking and like sending
Speaker 1: text to each other and all the other things that
Speaker 1: could equal intimacy and at activeness also comes from like
Speaker 1: the maculine energy he might be putting out, like the
Speaker 1: stuff he's talking about at dinner, you know, the things
Speaker 1: that he's bringing to her that would be a turn on.
Speaker 1: So I'd be so interesting, you know. They say, if
Speaker 1: you focus on what you love like you did in
Speaker 1: the beginning of the relationship, there'd never be an end.
Speaker 1: We start out focusing on all the things that we love,
Speaker 1: like oh my god, his hands, oh my god, the
Speaker 1: way he talks, oh my god, the thing you know,
Speaker 1: like you just can't help but focus on all the
Speaker 1: great stuff. And then as time goes on and hurts happen,
Speaker 1: you start to focus on all the things you don't
Speaker 1: like and that's what undoes us. So I'd be so
Speaker 1: interested to see if she could start to talk about
Speaker 1: the things that really turn her on, you know, like
Speaker 1: we don't go to museans anymore, you know, you are,
Speaker 1: like the things that they could do or talk about
Speaker 1: that would really bring back that yeah, yeah, and that right,
Speaker 1: And in that higher level relationship, that's your desire as
Speaker 1: a partner is to be like, I want to rock
Speaker 1: your world, So keep telling me, you know what, what
Speaker 1: does it for you? Because it does change over time too.
Speaker 1: And I agree with her that she didn't marry him
Speaker 1: for his look, so this really isn't the issue. There's
Speaker 1: probably something else, you know that maybe he's shut down
Speaker 1: a bit energetically, or he's not coming home. Is on fire,
Speaker 1: you do, And that's a cool conversation to have. They
Speaker 1: can get that back, and I would challenge her. I
Speaker 1: hope she emails responsive she does anything about this, But again,
Speaker 1: like Janna and I talked about, is kind of ask
Speaker 1: for what you need. Like you know, Janna likes to
Speaker 1: sit back sometimes and see what I'm gonna do to
Speaker 1: to choose her to make you feel special. Well, sometimes
Speaker 1: in a relationship if they're at that kind of comfort level,
Speaker 1: like remind him. I go to him like, hey, honey,
Speaker 1: this is you know where I feel like we're lacking,
Speaker 1: Like I would love for you to do X, Y
Speaker 1: and Z, because because he might, he might think everything's
Speaker 1: okay in his world. He might everything is fine, and
Speaker 1: then next thing you know, she blindsides him with you know,
Speaker 1: I don't think this relationship, this marriage is working. He's like,
Speaker 1: what the hell just happened? You know, best best marriage
Speaker 1: vows I ever heard where when the man said to
Speaker 1: the woman, I promised to never know you. And at
Speaker 1: first I was like, there's a lot of good thing.
Speaker 1: I realized it was the best thing that you could
Speaker 1: say to someone because every single day, so many things
Speaker 1: happened to us that change us, you know, And if
Speaker 1: they could bring that back, like act like you don't
Speaker 1: know each other at all every day and be curious
Speaker 1: about each other, then that creates a sense of openness,
Speaker 1: you know, where anything is possible. Mystery is that is
Speaker 1: that what you would say to to like the mom
Speaker 1: at the end of the day that you know they
Speaker 1: haven't had sex in a month and a half and
Speaker 1: they're exhausted and tired. I mean, is it just is
Speaker 1: it is it that too like kind of re igniting
Speaker 1: something to you know, like we're friends at having a
Speaker 1: sex in a while? Do they need the yann But
Speaker 1: is that just like something where like you just have
Speaker 1: to reignite and um spice it up a little bit,
Speaker 1: like because I'm moms, like I'm so tired, I don't
Speaker 1: want to have sex well, and so that would be
Speaker 1: interesting to like change up you know, the ritual right
Speaker 1: because yes, and the mom mode when you know you're
Speaker 1: raising little kids, there's this period of time where everybody's
Speaker 1: highest need is certainty. It's this routine and the same
Speaker 1: same and make sure no one dies every day, Like
Speaker 1: not a really great period of time for couples. So
Speaker 1: I would say, you know, knowing what would restore a
Speaker 1: really tired mama and have her transition from mom mode
Speaker 1: into woman mode. That's the bridge that you know, we
Speaker 1: as women should get good at getting ourselves over. But
Speaker 1: it's so nice to have a man help you and
Speaker 1: so you know when at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: whoever's you know, babies are in bed. Would would a
Speaker 1: really nice back together be something that would feel connecting
Speaker 1: and right with a massage, feeling really good, and then
Speaker 1: you know, with those sorts of things, it's highly likely
Speaker 1: that it could lead. I mean, I asked Michael last
Speaker 1: night to put lotion on my legs. Did any lotion
Speaker 1: get on my legs? Negative? That's did not get my cue. Well,
Speaker 1: I think we need to make a list all the cues.
Speaker 1: This is my language, this is my and I just well,
Speaker 1: I cannot thank you enough. You have made me laugh,
Speaker 1: you've made me cry, you have given us some really
Speaker 1: good tips. And again, I know a lot of my
Speaker 1: wind out listeners need this, So thank you so incredibly much.
Speaker 1: Can can I can my listeners find you somewhere? Yeah? Absolutely,
Speaker 1: I have a website that's my name, Shari Healy dot
Speaker 1: com and I'll spell it for you the H E
Speaker 1: R I E H E A l E y And
Speaker 1: there's all kinds of good into out there around how
Speaker 1: to become the person you're here to be and do
Speaker 1: what you're here to do on the planet. Well, I
Speaker 1: love you, so you're so welcome. Thank you for having
Speaker 1: Thank you. So. This was supposed to be the sex episode,
Speaker 1: and believe me, I have so much sex stuff to
Speaker 1: talk about. And ask about but it turned into the
Speaker 1: Jana and My Couples Therapy episodes, which which I'm not
Speaker 1: saying it did not disappoint because you guys were so
Speaker 1: open that I was nearly in tears because I was
Speaker 1: really in it with you guys, and I have empathy
Speaker 1: and for both of you, because you guys are so
Speaker 1: open that we're getting both sides and it's so honest
Speaker 1: that it's mind blowing really and it's helping a lot
Speaker 1: of people. Yeah, I hope. So I was terrifying. I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna line yea, I'm proud of you. I am.
Speaker 1: I'm really proud of you. Thank you for being open
Speaker 1: to being open. Its couples out there. It does. I mean,
Speaker 1: there's a one girl she's like I literally sat my
Speaker 1: husband down and I said, listen to Mike. Listen to
Speaker 1: his empathy for her when she gets triggered, please I
Speaker 1: need that. And he was like, you know wow, like
Speaker 1: and he was able to sit in her pain and
Speaker 1: sit in you know. So I think that's I think,
Speaker 1: having your side of things, and you know again like
Speaker 1: we're you know, we're two years post, but you know,
Speaker 1: and now we're able to you know, you told me
Speaker 1: some things that I have to work on, and that's
Speaker 1: you know, that's helpful for me and for the other
Speaker 1: listeners out there that can relate to that. Okay, so
Speaker 1: you guys know my obsession with Hello Fresh because again,
Speaker 1: I'm not the greatest cook, and I love easy recipes
Speaker 1: and the fact that they deliver the groceries to me.
Speaker 1: I don't have to go searching in the grocery store.
Speaker 1: It's so easy, thirty minute recipes. Like my husband says,
Speaker 1: every time Hello Fresh comes, it's like a halo at
Speaker 1: the front door over these the bags that are delivered.
Speaker 1: What I love though, right now is this thing called
Speaker 1: Green Chef. They actually are owned by Hello Fresh. But
Speaker 1: the difference between Hello Fresh and Green Chef is that
Speaker 1: Green Chef is the first U s D. A certified
Speaker 1: organic meal kit delivery service that includes everything you need
Speaker 1: to cook delicious gourmet meals that you can feel good about.
Speaker 1: So yes, Hello Fresh is amazing, but if you want
Speaker 1: organic meals sent to your door, then definitely go to
Speaker 1: Green Chef. So again, if you want organic meals for
Speaker 1: fifty off your first box of Green Chef, go to
Speaker 1: Green Chef dot us slash Janna that's Green Chef dot
Speaker 1: us slash Jana. I promise you it's gonna be the
Speaker 1: best meal you ever rate. I have one more email, okay,
Speaker 1: and it's from Holly. Hi Holly, And this will wrap
Speaker 1: this up nicely. How did you know Michael was the one?
Speaker 1: She's about to graduate college and she's borne with her
Speaker 1: boyfriends since high school and she says I loved him
Speaker 1: more than anything, but I find myself doubting the relationship
Speaker 1: a lot. How did you know Michael was the one? Okay?
Speaker 1: So this question has been asked to me before, and
Speaker 1: it was always a one part answer. It's now a
Speaker 1: two part answer. So the first part is I knew
Speaker 1: he was the one from I mean, I know this
Speaker 1: is the most cliche answer ever. I knew he was
Speaker 1: the one from the moment I saw him, because I saw,
Speaker 1: I saw a pain in him that I could relate to.
Speaker 1: I saw, and then when once I got to know him,
Speaker 1: and I was like, we we have the same struggles.
Speaker 1: And I loved his heart. I loved his openness and
Speaker 1: his willingness to to bear that. And yes, was it
Speaker 1: perfect in the beginning. No, But for me it was
Speaker 1: someone you know, he loved he loved kids, and he
Speaker 1: you know, he loved he loved me. He loved me
Speaker 1: for my flaws and that was huge for me. Now
Speaker 1: the second part of this is how I know is
Speaker 1: the one is because he has stood by me through
Speaker 1: all the hardship and hasn't walked away. Because the one,
Speaker 1: your one, does not walk away from all the hard,
Speaker 1: hard pain and and the the past that we've had. Anyway,
Speaker 1: you know, there's there's been so many times when again
Speaker 1: he could have walked he could have walked away, I
Speaker 1: could have walked away. But the one is going to
Speaker 1: be the one still fighting for you in my opinion. Yeah,
Speaker 1: what about you? When did you know that channel was
Speaker 1: the one? Um? You know you after ten days of
Speaker 1: even knowing each other in five hours? Yeah, um it was.
Speaker 1: It was the week I was in Austin, I flew
Speaker 1: out to Chicago to see her. I was in between
Speaker 1: the time of off season and before training camp and
Speaker 1: uh A flu show to see her in Chicago. I
Speaker 1: had a great time. Were kissed by the monkeys because
Speaker 1: we're at the Chicago's. It's so sweet. And it was
Speaker 1: later that week I remember I was helping miss and
Speaker 1: his now wife Marissa get picked up like a washing
Speaker 1: machine or something like office, you know, from somewhere, and
Speaker 1: when I was living in Baltimore and they asked me
Speaker 1: like how to go. It was like two days later.
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm going to marry this girl. It
Speaker 1: was crazy. And they're like, at first I thought it
Speaker 1: was just like infatuation because she's a celebrity and it's
Speaker 1: just that whole package that goes along with it. I'm like, no, guys, like,
Speaker 1: you know, I can't explain it. I literally couldn't put
Speaker 1: it into words. And my buddy miss like he was
Speaker 1: my partner in crime, like through college and stuff like that,
Speaker 1: like he knows me in and out, and he was
Speaker 1: just like okay, you know. Um. So from that moment on,
Speaker 1: from that first week of meeting her, and for the
Speaker 1: same reasons, it's just I'm was really never honest in
Speaker 1: a relationship to my fullest extent, and to be that
Speaker 1: honest with somebody that quick and find connection in flaws
Speaker 1: that you have in character defects, it's like, you know, what,
Speaker 1: what is this honesty thing? Like, what what is this
Speaker 1: crazy feeling I'm feeling? So um. I mean it was
Speaker 1: within the first week of knowing her and like James said,
Speaker 1: knowing each other's hearts and where they are. You know,
Speaker 1: regardless of the things that we've gone through now, it's
Speaker 1: our hearts are still in the right place. We still
Speaker 1: want the same things. Um we take we are taking
Speaker 1: the hardest road to get there. But yeah, thanks yeah, um. So,
Speaker 1: I mean for her if this guy, you know, she's
Speaker 1: been with him since high school, A lot of people
Speaker 1: would say, go out, explore the world and whatever. But
Speaker 1: it's like, if she knows this guy is going to
Speaker 1: stand by her, but she finds out anyone would find
Speaker 1: out if I did not have doubt with you. Her
Speaker 1: doubt comes from time to timetable, from high school through college.
Speaker 1: It's like, I'm just saying, if you have to doubt,
Speaker 1: listen to your gut, listen to your heart, because all
Speaker 1: she hears is you've been with so and so, you
Speaker 1: know ever since you know, high school, Like, don't you
Speaker 1: want to go out and see what's out there? She says,
Speaker 1: I love him more than anything, but I find myself
Speaker 1: doubting their relationship. I know that's not what it says.
Speaker 1: That's what people are probably telling her in her ear,
Speaker 1: in her ear, and if they're not, and she is
Speaker 1: doubting it. That's yeah, and that's something to be said
Speaker 1: about that. But also it could just be it could
Speaker 1: be off. Nothing, could just be from her age and
Speaker 1: being like, man, I haven't explored what's out there, Holly,
Speaker 1: I'm going. I was looking at Facebook. I'm talking directly
Speaker 1: to you. I was looking at Facebook yesterday and scrolling through,
Speaker 1: and I saw one of my high school friends with
Speaker 1: her husband who she was dating when we were in
Speaker 1: tenth grade. And I will be forty four in June.
Speaker 1: So they're happy. They have I think four or five kids,
Speaker 1: some of them are in college now and they have
Speaker 1: been together since tenth grade. And that's it. That's like,
Speaker 1: you know, Charlie and Shelley. Yeah, they're so cute to
Speaker 1: my friends. One of my best friends from college, it's
Speaker 1: like him and his you know, wife dated since high school.
Speaker 1: They were kids basically, and now they're married and I
Speaker 1: have a daughter, and I mean they're the best people ever.
Speaker 1: They're so happy, you know, So that's possible, totally possible.
Speaker 1: All right, Well, you guys, if you have any questions
Speaker 1: or you need some answers, please please please email me
Speaker 1: at Jane Kramer at I heart media dot com. UM,
Speaker 1: thank you, Mike, thank you Jenn, thank you for winding
Speaker 1: down with us, and we'll do it again next time.