WEBVTT - Ep. 4 Let's Talk About Sex 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:05.320 Yeah, wind Down with Janna Kramer and I Heart Radio Podcast, 0:00:06.800 --> 0:00:11.640 Episode four. I'm so excited. I'm super excited to wine 0:00:11.680 --> 0:00:16.360 down today with all of you because we're talking about sex. Baby, 0:00:16.520 --> 0:00:19.840 let's talk about you and me and we have an expert. Yeah, 0:00:19.920 --> 0:00:25.279 Mike's here, Well we have to. Mike is back. Mike 0:00:25.520 --> 0:00:28.040 is back for his grand return, and we brought him 0:00:28.040 --> 0:00:32.280 in for the Sex in Tennessee episode. I mean, is 0:00:32.320 --> 0:00:36.120 this like a couples therapy that's like on air right now? Like, 0:00:36.120 --> 0:00:39.559 what are we doing here? Do you have questions? Did 0:00:39.640 --> 0:00:41.640 you come with them? No? She has to think. Janna 0:00:41.680 --> 0:00:43.960 doesn't steer me. I told you we were talking about sex. 0:00:44.040 --> 0:00:45.640 I don't know. She talks about so much. I can't 0:00:45.640 --> 0:00:53.800 listen to everything. I think I think you tuned me 0:00:53.800 --> 0:00:56.360 in and tune me out sometimes. But no, we're talking 0:00:56.360 --> 0:01:00.080 about sex and intimacy today, and that's something that we 0:01:00.280 --> 0:01:07.640 have issues with in the bedroom. Yes, I think everybody does. 0:01:07.760 --> 0:01:10.760 I know, I think everybody is too. And you just 0:01:10.959 --> 0:01:14.360 had your anniversary. Yeah, we just had our anniversary, and 0:01:14.560 --> 0:01:23.039 you know I had fund you have and we just 0:01:23.120 --> 0:01:27.200 kind of answer people you were just dying to ask. Alright, 0:01:27.240 --> 0:01:31.720 So bab um I think, what do you what do 0:01:31.760 --> 0:01:33.839 you think are what do you think our biggest issue 0:01:33.880 --> 0:01:39.320 in the bedroom is? Um, A lot of it is 0:01:39.600 --> 0:01:45.200 communication and expectations. I think, um, you know, where if 0:01:45.200 --> 0:01:47.280 we try to get in the space of reading each 0:01:47.280 --> 0:01:49.880 other's mind and you know, oh, it's been a couple 0:01:49.880 --> 0:01:54.200 of days, we're gonna have sex, and uh, you know 0:01:54.520 --> 0:01:57.440 that person you know isn't in the mood or too 0:01:57.440 --> 0:01:59.680 tired or this or that, then the other person feels 0:01:59.680 --> 0:02:03.880 like that. UM. I know for me in particular, you know, 0:02:03.920 --> 0:02:06.520 the the stereotype for men is that we're just light 0:02:06.560 --> 0:02:08.959 switches and no matter what, we can just have sex 0:02:09.040 --> 0:02:11.800 just you know, as soon as our wives are significant 0:02:11.800 --> 0:02:13.440 others say that, we're just like, all right, let's do it. 0:02:14.280 --> 0:02:16.400 So you're saying it's more mental for you. Yeah, I 0:02:16.440 --> 0:02:19.600 think men in general, I don't think you know, I 0:02:19.639 --> 0:02:22.520 think more guys can relate than people might. People might 0:02:22.520 --> 0:02:24.760 be surprised with how many men can relate the fact that, 0:02:25.160 --> 0:02:28.320 especially when you're involved with someone with intimacy, that it 0:02:28.400 --> 0:02:30.200 takes a lot more than just hey on, let's go 0:02:30.240 --> 0:02:33.359 have sex. It's like, sometimes we want some four play, 0:02:33.440 --> 0:02:35.240 sometimes we want to be one and dined a little 0:02:35.280 --> 0:02:38.160 bit and like feel special and stroke our ego a 0:02:38.160 --> 0:02:40.079 little bit and then you know that might build our 0:02:40.080 --> 0:02:43.120 confidence or whatever it may be. Yeah, I mean I 0:02:43.160 --> 0:02:44.639 definitely hear you, because I mean, I know we have 0:02:44.680 --> 0:02:48.360 some arguments where it's you know, I and I think 0:02:48.520 --> 0:02:51.359 unfortunately the infidelity piece plays a part in this because 0:02:51.440 --> 0:02:55.120 there's times when I'm like, you know, I do want 0:02:55.120 --> 0:02:57.080 to have sex, but and I and I play the 0:02:57.080 --> 0:02:59.600 game of waiting for you to come to me because 0:02:59.840 --> 0:03:03.320 I'm like, well, you know, why doesn't he want me? 0:03:03.360 --> 0:03:04.919 Why doesn't he want to sleep with me when he would, 0:03:05.080 --> 0:03:06.880 you know if since he slept with someone else. I 0:03:06.960 --> 0:03:09.560 think that does play a part with like my head 0:03:09.680 --> 0:03:12.160 and like where you know, and I know other listeners 0:03:12.200 --> 0:03:14.520 that have you know, have infidelity in the relationship, like 0:03:14.560 --> 0:03:16.840 that is you know something they said that is a 0:03:16.880 --> 0:03:20.160 problem because they like, we want to feel wanted and chosen, 0:03:20.240 --> 0:03:23.040 you know, when y'all didn't choose us. And so it's 0:03:23.080 --> 0:03:25.919 like I guess like for me, it's like I wish 0:03:25.960 --> 0:03:28.160 we could find someone that could help us, like get 0:03:28.200 --> 0:03:31.280 out of our heads because I think we we we 0:03:31.320 --> 0:03:33.760 are both mentally like when we're in bed, like you 0:03:33.800 --> 0:03:36.160 have anxiety, like, god, I I have to, but I mean, 0:03:36.160 --> 0:03:38.160 you know, I'm tired from worker, but she's you know, 0:03:38.320 --> 0:03:40.400 she probably she wants. And then I'm like, I'm not 0:03:40.440 --> 0:03:42.680 pretty enough and I'm not I'm insecure, and I'm like 0:03:42.720 --> 0:03:45.400 why doesn't he choose me? And like I feel rejected again, 0:03:45.440 --> 0:03:47.800 and it's like I feel like it's like, how do 0:03:47.880 --> 0:03:50.560 we stay like how do we stay present? How do 0:03:50.640 --> 0:03:52.840 we stay in the moment? How do we you know, 0:03:53.000 --> 0:03:56.040 and not feel like we're having to meet these grand 0:03:56.120 --> 0:03:58.520 expectations is something that we might not be able to 0:03:58.760 --> 0:04:01.440 or at the time even too. It's not saying that 0:04:01.520 --> 0:04:03.160 you don't think I'm pretty or you don't think that 0:04:03.360 --> 0:04:05.160 you don't want to have sex with me, but you know, 0:04:05.200 --> 0:04:10.560 when infidelity does play apart, that's what affects our sex life. 0:04:10.560 --> 0:04:12.280 And then you know, I get upset. You get upset, 0:04:12.280 --> 0:04:15.680 and you're like, you know, I think in general, you know, 0:04:15.800 --> 0:04:20.160 especially when there is infidelity infidelity involved, communication is key, 0:04:20.160 --> 0:04:22.559 and I think you and I have slowly gotten better 0:04:22.600 --> 0:04:25.000 at this, at communicating and coming to each other and 0:04:25.040 --> 0:04:27.560 be like, hey, I'm starting to feel this way. It's 0:04:27.560 --> 0:04:30.279 been a couple of days. I'm starting to feel you know, 0:04:30.279 --> 0:04:32.480 these triggers are coming up or these feelings are coming up, 0:04:32.560 --> 0:04:35.120 like and then you know, anytime you've done that to me, 0:04:35.160 --> 0:04:37.080 I'm like, oh my gosh, like, no, that's not it 0:04:37.120 --> 0:04:40.039 at all, Like I've genuinely been tired or you know, 0:04:40.120 --> 0:04:42.480 generally just haven't been in the mood. But I love 0:04:42.520 --> 0:04:44.960 you so much and yes, let's connect or whatever it 0:04:45.000 --> 0:04:47.400 may be. Um. So I think that's a big part, 0:04:47.520 --> 0:04:50.279 especially when infidelity is involved, because just like I said 0:04:50.320 --> 0:04:51.640 in the last episode, I was on, I don't want 0:04:51.640 --> 0:04:54.839 to feel tested, and I feel like there's passive aggressiveness 0:04:54.880 --> 0:04:56.960 in the sense of like I know you're waiting for me, 0:04:57.520 --> 0:04:59.800 but there's hasn't been any talk about it. And then 0:04:59.800 --> 0:05:02.000 I in my head and I'm like, because I want 0:05:02.000 --> 0:05:04.040 to feel chosen. I want to feel like that you like, 0:05:04.600 --> 0:05:07.039 you know, part of me is like you left me, 0:05:07.200 --> 0:05:10.839 so now choose me, like jump on me, you know 0:05:10.880 --> 0:05:13.800 what I mean. Like, and so that's like that's hard. 0:05:13.839 --> 0:05:16.360 But I also know in your mind it's like, yeah, 0:05:16.440 --> 0:05:18.800 it's been a long day, we have Jolie, and you're tired, 0:05:18.839 --> 0:05:20.520 and we're tired, and maybe I just want and maybe 0:05:20.520 --> 0:05:21.880 you just want to go to sleep. It's not because 0:05:22.160 --> 0:05:25.159 you don't think I'm prettier, but it's just so it's 0:05:25.200 --> 0:05:28.160 it's it's interesting like how both of our minds can 0:05:28.160 --> 0:05:30.720 be two different places and then but yeah, we can 0:05:30.760 --> 0:05:36.359 both be frustrated and that's just that's hard. And I 0:05:36.400 --> 0:05:38.359 know the communication and you're right, we have done a 0:05:38.360 --> 0:05:41.040 better job at that, but it's still like sometimes we're 0:05:41.400 --> 0:05:44.600 like you say that you want the four play too 0:05:44.800 --> 0:05:47.000 or and it's like, but sometimes I think like the 0:05:47.040 --> 0:05:49.720 person that has been effected and fidelity wants to four 0:05:49.800 --> 0:05:53.160 play more because it's like, you know, like the other 0:05:53.279 --> 0:05:56.000 day when you're like surprised and I was like, you know, 0:05:56.400 --> 0:06:00.000 like it made me feel special. It made me feel 0:06:00.320 --> 0:06:03.000 like you know, even though it was you know, it 0:06:03.040 --> 0:06:06.600 was incredibly spontaneous, and then I was I was like, 0:06:06.680 --> 0:06:09.760 oh wow, like I didn't feel like your wife, like 0:06:09.839 --> 0:06:12.919 just like you know, lay next to you. I don't know, 0:06:12.960 --> 0:06:16.320 I just it was something different that like it was 0:06:16.400 --> 0:06:18.040 it was nice. I just felt like it was like 0:06:18.080 --> 0:06:20.600 you you wanted me, and I felt and wanted. So 0:06:21.040 --> 0:06:23.800 I just know that I like the spontaneous. Yeah, the 0:06:23.839 --> 0:06:26.560 spontaneity is I think key two when there's issue every 0:06:26.560 --> 0:06:28.240 once in a while, for sure, every once in a while, 0:06:28.279 --> 0:06:30.200 like you and I have where it's just you know, 0:06:30.240 --> 0:06:33.240 if it starts to become this planning thing, then I 0:06:33.279 --> 0:06:35.919 get in my head especially and it's just like anxiety 0:06:36.080 --> 0:06:39.240 like build up to performing and you know, my insecurities 0:06:39.320 --> 0:06:41.520 or what however I feel about myself in that moment 0:06:41.880 --> 0:06:44.560 might take over, you know, how I really feel or 0:06:44.560 --> 0:06:47.159 how I want to be with you. Um. You know again, 0:06:47.160 --> 0:06:49.800 that's something that I'm sure most men won't really admit, 0:06:50.279 --> 0:06:53.080 is you know, insecurities that they may have with performing 0:06:53.240 --> 0:06:56.279 or uh, you know issues with intimacy, which you know 0:06:56.360 --> 0:06:59.239 I have where you know me, I never connected sex 0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:01.800 and intimacy and love together before in my life. Now, 0:07:01.839 --> 0:07:04.280 being in a real relationship with you that deals with 0:07:04.320 --> 0:07:07.200 intimacy and really growing together as a couple as to 0:07:07.400 --> 0:07:10.560 human beings like that is so uncomfortable for me. But 0:07:10.640 --> 0:07:12.520 I'm trying to do that. I'm trying to get to 0:07:12.560 --> 0:07:15.800 that level like of intimacy and like what that's really like. 0:07:16.480 --> 0:07:18.400 And again I think a lot of people don't look 0:07:18.400 --> 0:07:22.119 into it like that. I mean, And that's the thing, yes, 0:07:22.240 --> 0:07:24.200 I mean, and I thank you for like saying that 0:07:24.240 --> 0:07:26.600 because but it but it also makes me sad because 0:07:26.600 --> 0:07:28.880 I'm like, I want that intimacy. I want that like 0:07:29.760 --> 0:07:32.920 that and not just like not just sex. I know 0:07:33.160 --> 0:07:35.480 intimacy isn't just sex. It's everything like leading up to 0:07:35.520 --> 0:07:38.480 it in our relationship and communication. And I know that, 0:07:38.520 --> 0:07:41.160 like you know, sex and intimacy, you haven't coupled together. 0:07:41.560 --> 0:07:44.760 So I mean, what is what are you doing too? Well, 0:07:44.800 --> 0:07:47.160 that's the thing. I think, you know, I'm starting to 0:07:47.480 --> 0:07:49.840 and I think you're seeing that that I'm starting to 0:07:49.880 --> 0:07:52.200 correlate the two. And it's it's not a decision that 0:07:52.240 --> 0:07:53.560 I have made in my life. It's not like, oh, 0:07:53.640 --> 0:07:56.320 I'm just I'm gonna have issues with intimacy. I choose that. No, 0:07:56.480 --> 0:07:58.520 it's just, you know, things that have happened throughout my 0:07:58.600 --> 0:08:01.360 life that have caused me to to not relate sex 0:08:01.480 --> 0:08:05.120 and love and intimacy, and uh so it's just different 0:08:05.160 --> 0:08:07.640 for me. It's different and having to go through that 0:08:07.720 --> 0:08:10.400 at you know, thirty one years old, when I spent 0:08:10.480 --> 0:08:12.680 the whole rest of my life not correlating the two, 0:08:12.840 --> 0:08:16.400 Is that's a change. Do you think it's possible? Absolutely? 0:08:16.720 --> 0:08:19.600 I think it's already. I've already shown at times it's possible, 0:08:20.000 --> 0:08:23.160 and it's just only something that I can by practicing 0:08:23.240 --> 0:08:25.800 by taking contrary action from what I would do in 0:08:25.840 --> 0:08:29.640 the past and putting myself in uncomfortable situations, which is 0:08:29.760 --> 0:08:32.600 very hard to do, but choosing to do that because 0:08:32.679 --> 0:08:37.079 I want to grow with you. Thank you for sharing. Wow. 0:08:37.559 --> 0:08:41.480 So I'm just I'm so curious. What what was the 0:08:41.559 --> 0:08:47.520 intimacy level before the infidelity? What was it like you 0:08:47.559 --> 0:08:51.560 two as a couple before the infidelity? The problem was, 0:08:52.800 --> 0:08:58.520 I mean, do you want to say it or go ahead? 0:08:58.760 --> 0:09:00.640 Go ahead? No, I'll let do it because I don't 0:09:00.640 --> 0:09:02.800 want to, like, I don't want to get you mad 0:09:02.840 --> 0:09:04.960 at me. I don't want to say that because I 0:09:05.000 --> 0:09:08.200 know how sensitive you are to certain things, and I 0:09:08.240 --> 0:09:12.320 know this is this is hard, it's not easy. But again, 0:09:12.360 --> 0:09:14.600 like you know, you have realized like how many people 0:09:14.640 --> 0:09:18.559 we are helping as well. But from my take of it, 0:09:18.559 --> 0:09:24.280 it was great in the very beginning, Like but then again, 0:09:25.120 --> 0:09:28.960 he meets someone that he loves and he's struggled with 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:33.000 intimacy his entire life. So it was in the beginning, 0:09:33.760 --> 0:09:36.880 you know, where it was like, I'm like, what what happened? 0:09:36.960 --> 0:09:41.000 Like what why are you not what's up? Like you 0:09:41.040 --> 0:09:42.559 know what I mean, Like what's going on? Like this 0:09:42.600 --> 0:09:47.040 isn't this isn't good? Why are you not what? Why 0:09:47.040 --> 0:09:48.520 are you not wanting to sex with me? Why is 0:09:48.880 --> 0:09:52.920 why is it not working in this sexual capacity? Being 0:09:53.320 --> 0:09:57.400 a whole and a whole and you know, mean and 0:09:57.440 --> 0:10:02.839 short tempered and not the loving, you know, compassionate, supporting 0:10:03.440 --> 0:10:07.160 boyfriend I was at the beginning, and then what it 0:10:07.200 --> 0:10:10.720 turned into. And I mean we had a luck. I 0:10:10.760 --> 0:10:13.240 say this any time we talked to somebody, because I 0:10:13.240 --> 0:10:17.000 think it's no excuse. But having said that, there are 0:10:17.040 --> 0:10:20.439 things in life that happened, happened, like circumstances that affect 0:10:20.880 --> 0:10:25.400 the outcome. And in the span of six months, we 0:10:26.480 --> 0:10:31.040 bought a house together, we got engaged, we got married, 0:10:31.559 --> 0:10:34.200 we got pregnant, and I was transitioning out of the 0:10:34.200 --> 0:10:37.160 only career I've ever done, I've ever had. Okay, but 0:10:37.240 --> 0:10:39.240 that's not the main reason though. No, No, I'm not 0:10:39.280 --> 0:10:42.520 saying that. I'm just saying circumstances like like happen in 0:10:42.559 --> 0:10:45.920 life that maybe caused me to be even that much 0:10:45.960 --> 0:10:49.880 more disconnected. But the core is you fell in love 0:10:49.920 --> 0:10:53.200 with me. You have intimacy issues. You don't connect love 0:10:53.240 --> 0:10:59.040 and sex together. So from way past, like way before, right, Yeah, 0:10:59.120 --> 0:11:01.920 my point in saying that because yes, I've always had 0:11:02.160 --> 0:11:04.480 I didn't correlate love in intimacy and sex and all 0:11:04.520 --> 0:11:07.640 that stuff, so that on top of all those other things, 0:11:07.840 --> 0:11:11.160 it was like, you know, perfect storm in my in 0:11:11.200 --> 0:11:14.320 my brain, can we explain? And then there was the 0:11:14.400 --> 0:11:17.600 cheating before, and so then that just still Let so 0:11:17.760 --> 0:11:24.520 is our sex life has been you know, yeah, but 0:11:24.559 --> 0:11:26.400 I mean it's it's been a work in progress because 0:11:26.440 --> 0:11:31.200 of those issues and the intimacy. Is it when you 0:11:31.520 --> 0:11:39.000 actually physically emotionally fall in love, did it trigger the 0:11:39.040 --> 0:11:43.719 intimacy issues? Yeah, so you didn't have them when you 0:11:43.760 --> 0:11:47.840 were just dating. It was as you were falling in love. 0:11:47.960 --> 0:11:52.480 I'm just trying to like he would a few women 0:11:52.480 --> 0:11:55.120 in my past that it was like it was it 0:11:55.200 --> 0:11:57.600 was kind of weird. I kind of laughed at myself 0:11:57.640 --> 0:12:00.440 about it. But it's like I knew I really liked 0:12:00.440 --> 0:12:05.680 the girl when I started having like yeah, like literally 0:12:05.679 --> 0:12:07.760 it was like an alarm clock going off from my body. 0:12:07.960 --> 0:12:10.240 It's like like it would happen. I'm that holy shop, 0:12:10.280 --> 0:12:12.880 I must really like this girl. I must like like 0:12:12.960 --> 0:12:15.920 her a lot, and it's only happened to small amount 0:12:15.920 --> 0:12:18.319 of women and the girls were like, uh, do are 0:12:18.320 --> 0:12:20.760 we not hot right now? Like what's going on? I mean? 0:12:20.920 --> 0:12:24.800 And eventually I got past it and things were okay, 0:12:24.880 --> 0:12:29.199 but still just especially initially, it's just it was really weird. 0:12:29.360 --> 0:12:32.600 But is it fear? Is it? But at the same time, 0:12:32.600 --> 0:12:36.000 you'd go off and be with somebody else easily, but 0:12:36.080 --> 0:12:38.760 with the person you loved, he wouldn't. And that's why 0:12:38.800 --> 0:12:44.959 I've been unfaithful in every relationship I've ever had ever. Wow, Yeah, 0:12:45.480 --> 0:12:52.040 yeah it sucks. So yeah, it's not easy. But now 0:12:52.120 --> 0:12:56.000 you're working on it. Now you guys are working on it. 0:12:56.120 --> 0:13:01.280 Is yes, we are, but it's you know, it's it's 0:13:01.280 --> 0:13:04.520 still hard for I think for you because it's like 0:13:06.640 --> 0:13:09.480 you want to not be always the perpetrator, and you 0:13:09.559 --> 0:13:13.400 have been in every single one of your relationships. It's 0:13:13.400 --> 0:13:15.800 hard when you want to do something but then like 0:13:16.600 --> 0:13:20.199 your body, your brain doesn't want to cooperate, you know 0:13:20.200 --> 0:13:25.400 what I mean, Like your your brain and heart are 0:13:25.400 --> 0:13:29.160 two different things, you know, and it's tough to kind 0:13:29.160 --> 0:13:30.920 of get the both of them on the same path, 0:13:31.280 --> 0:13:33.440 get them in sync, get them in sync on what 0:13:33.600 --> 0:13:37.560 you really want to do. Um Man, this is harder 0:13:37.720 --> 0:13:42.720 to talk about. I thought, um I'm proud of you though, 0:13:42.800 --> 0:13:44.560 for I mean like admitting you know what I mean, 0:13:44.760 --> 0:13:48.560 admitting that, And honestly, that's what drew us together in 0:13:48.559 --> 0:13:51.240 the first place, because I've cheated plenty in my past, 0:13:51.360 --> 0:13:54.000 not proud of it. But when we got together, we 0:13:54.080 --> 0:13:56.839 both were like and I was like I would. I'm like, 0:13:56.960 --> 0:13:58.800 I'm gonna honked you. I cheated on my last relationship. 0:13:58.840 --> 0:14:00.720 I cheated on them one before up and I cheated 0:14:00.720 --> 0:14:02.440 on the one before that. Not proud of it. But 0:14:02.600 --> 0:14:05.160 I want to be different in this relationship. I want 0:14:05.200 --> 0:14:09.160 to love you, only love you and be with you. 0:14:09.280 --> 0:14:12.720 And what hurt was that he said the same thing, 0:14:12.720 --> 0:14:13.920 you know what I mean, He's like me too, I 0:14:13.960 --> 0:14:15.640 have it. It's like we finally found someone that like 0:14:16.040 --> 0:14:18.880 we got each other. Yeah, and that's why that's where 0:14:18.920 --> 0:14:23.840 we connected so quick, so fast, because we loved the 0:14:23.920 --> 0:14:26.040 flaws in one another. Like you know, I feel like 0:14:26.120 --> 0:14:28.280 the majority of the time when people first start dating, 0:14:28.440 --> 0:14:31.160 people asked that, like have you ever cheated? And everyone's like, no, 0:14:31.320 --> 0:14:33.680 like you give the political answer when more times or not, 0:14:33.720 --> 0:14:36.760 they probably have. Did you feel like a mirror? It 0:14:36.840 --> 0:14:39.960 was just nice to and finally someone didn't judge me too, 0:14:40.000 --> 0:14:42.240 because I'm like, it's it sucks and I'm not proud 0:14:42.240 --> 0:14:44.320 of it at all, But I knew what I wanted 0:14:44.360 --> 0:14:47.000 to do different in this relationship. So you know, when 0:14:47.000 --> 0:14:49.720 there was infidelity again his side, I was like, damn it. 0:14:50.280 --> 0:14:52.680 You know, we talked like we said we were going 0:14:52.720 --> 0:14:55.880 to be different, you know, like and so that was like, 0:14:56.160 --> 0:14:57.800 that was that was just hard for me. And I 0:14:57.840 --> 0:14:59.520 know he wants to be different, you know, and he 0:14:59.560 --> 0:15:03.200 has act of working on his stuff and you know, 0:15:03.280 --> 0:15:06.360 and you know, I'm proud of you for for owning 0:15:06.440 --> 0:15:08.640 all of it too and wanting to be better and 0:15:08.680 --> 0:15:11.480 wanting to have intimacy because the fact that you even 0:15:11.560 --> 0:15:15.600 want to work on your intimacy and is huge because 0:15:15.640 --> 0:15:17.920 you could have easily, I mean, the easiest thing for you, Mike, 0:15:18.720 --> 0:15:21.400 out of all this was to leave and starting a 0:15:21.480 --> 0:15:24.120 relationship relationship with someone else that you haven't heard, haven't 0:15:24.120 --> 0:15:26.160 doesn't have triggers, and that would have been the easiest 0:15:26.160 --> 0:15:29.880 thing for you to do. And you yes, yes, but 0:15:30.000 --> 0:15:31.400 I mean I give you a lot because I mean 0:15:31.440 --> 0:15:33.640 it was I feel like it's a it's a bigger 0:15:33.720 --> 0:15:39.520 uphill battle for you with you know everything, so um 0:15:39.600 --> 0:15:42.360 and like totally like changing your ways and you know 0:15:42.520 --> 0:15:44.120 being but you know who you want to be, and 0:15:44.120 --> 0:15:45.280 I know who you want to be to know who 0:15:45.360 --> 0:15:48.280 you can be. So thank you for again being just 0:15:48.440 --> 0:15:50.160 super honest. And I think this is going to help 0:15:50.160 --> 0:15:55.080 a lot of people. It's a tough subject to talk about. 0:15:55.360 --> 0:16:00.400 It is, I can see and you're okay, so have 0:16:00.520 --> 0:16:03.400 to talk to you guys about something. Um, I like 0:16:03.440 --> 0:16:07.520 brushing my teeth. I brushed my teeth twice a day. Um, 0:16:07.640 --> 0:16:10.920 well most of the time. But um, what I love 0:16:11.160 --> 0:16:13.560 about this new toothbrush I'm using is that accused me 0:16:13.600 --> 0:16:17.680 accountable Because I remember I was facetiming with my mom 0:16:17.720 --> 0:16:19.800 the other day and I was like, Mom, I gotta 0:16:19.800 --> 0:16:21.520 brush my teeth. She's like, oh, I will too, So 0:16:21.560 --> 0:16:24.720 we're facetiming. She's like two minutes. And what I love 0:16:24.720 --> 0:16:26.960 about it is that my toothbrush is actually time. So 0:16:27.000 --> 0:16:29.760 my mom stopped at like thirty seconds and she's like, wow, 0:16:29.800 --> 0:16:31.680 two minutes is really long. I'm like, yeah, Mom, I know. 0:16:32.160 --> 0:16:35.280 That's why I gotta get quip because it's an electronic toothbrush. 0:16:35.480 --> 0:16:38.280 It's it literally has a timer in there, so it 0:16:38.320 --> 0:16:42.120 helps you clean for the dentist recommended two minutes with pulsaying. 0:16:42.400 --> 0:16:45.480 So it really, really like the vibration helps clean my 0:16:45.520 --> 0:16:47.600 teeth so much. So I feel like my teeth are 0:16:47.640 --> 0:16:51.440 just cleaner, and it's so much better than a regular toothbrush, 0:16:51.480 --> 0:16:54.200 because again, I just think having that vibration on your 0:16:54.200 --> 0:16:57.880 teeth really gets the cook out. And I think it's fantastic. 0:16:58.440 --> 0:17:00.720 What I also love about it at Oprah loves it 0:17:00.760 --> 0:17:03.160 and whatever Oprah loves I love. It was on the 0:17:03.200 --> 0:17:06.199 Oprah's O List, named one of the times Best Inventions, 0:17:06.280 --> 0:17:09.800 and the first subscription electric toothbrush accepted by the American 0:17:09.840 --> 0:17:12.679 Dental Association. So I want you all to be just 0:17:12.800 --> 0:17:15.600 as happy about brushing your teeth as I am. So. 0:17:15.840 --> 0:17:19.040 Quip starts at just twenty five dollars and up. If 0:17:19.080 --> 0:17:22.240 you go to get quip dot com slash Janna right now, 0:17:22.320 --> 0:17:27.160 you'll get your first refill pack free with Equip Electric toothbrush. 0:17:27.200 --> 0:17:29.080 By the way, it also looks like an iPhone. It's 0:17:29.119 --> 0:17:31.560 like looks like it was made from apple. It's like 0:17:31.680 --> 0:17:35.439 rose Gold's beautiful. That's your first refill pack free at 0:17:35.520 --> 0:17:39.520 get quip dot com slash Janna spelled g E t 0:17:40.080 --> 0:17:44.360 q u i P dot com slash Janna happy brushing. 0:17:45.200 --> 0:17:47.520 Let's let's talk to UM an expert we have on 0:17:47.560 --> 0:17:49.760 the line right now, right now, right now, right now. 0:17:49.880 --> 0:17:52.159 Her name is Uh. I don't want to butcher this, Shari, 0:17:52.720 --> 0:17:55.520 Is it sure? Right? Okay? I was like I was 0:17:55.520 --> 0:18:01.479 gonna say, Cherry, I'm sorry, but Suary it. How are you? 0:18:02.200 --> 0:18:05.920 I'm great? How are you good? I'm just sitting here 0:18:05.960 --> 0:18:11.880 talking with my husband about sex my favorite topics so perfect, 0:18:12.040 --> 0:18:14.639 and we're you know, we're just kind of and also 0:18:14.720 --> 0:18:18.000 producer Jenna's here with us, and UM, you know, we're 0:18:18.040 --> 0:18:22.080 just kind of talking about how we're now building our 0:18:22.080 --> 0:18:28.000 sex life through infidelity and intimacy and UM, if you 0:18:28.040 --> 0:18:32.440 have any helpful hints, I think or managing expectations too 0:18:32.560 --> 0:18:34.520 is something that I think of my husband, like mind 0:18:34.560 --> 0:18:42.840 reading or having expectations too to please me and to um. Yeah, okay, 0:18:42.960 --> 0:18:49.040 so the infidelity happened on whose part mine? Okay? And 0:18:49.119 --> 0:18:53.240 you both want to rebuild and get back to a 0:18:53.359 --> 0:18:55.760 place or get to a new place in the relations. 0:18:55.920 --> 0:18:57.679 We want to obviously, I mean we're we're working on 0:18:57.720 --> 0:19:01.800 our marriage, what would be helpful, like, okay, So for me, 0:19:01.840 --> 0:19:03.719 I'll tell you what I need, and then my husband 0:19:03.720 --> 0:19:05.879 you can say what you might need. But for me, 0:19:06.080 --> 0:19:11.960 I want to know how do I stop with the comparisons? 0:19:12.680 --> 0:19:14.800 First of all, because I have a lot of insecurities 0:19:14.960 --> 0:19:16.320 and I get in my head a lot like how 0:19:16.320 --> 0:19:19.119 do I stay present with the man that I'm in 0:19:19.160 --> 0:19:23.280 bed with now, not who he was right? And then 0:19:23.320 --> 0:19:26.040 comparing and then also you know, if he doesn't want 0:19:26.080 --> 0:19:27.879 to sleep with me because he's tired, how do I 0:19:28.040 --> 0:19:30.960 not like be like, well, you wanted to sleep with 0:19:31.000 --> 0:19:34.160 so and so, why won't you be with me? Of course, 0:19:34.800 --> 0:19:36.920 Oh these are great questions. And let me just start 0:19:37.000 --> 0:19:40.399 by saying that I went through this too, So I 0:19:40.480 --> 0:19:43.240 was in your shoes and I've worked with so many 0:19:43.240 --> 0:19:48.000 clients to get through this, and it's absolutely possible. So 0:19:48.400 --> 0:19:53.000 what would be paramount is that you two decide what 0:19:53.080 --> 0:19:56.199 you want now. You know, maybe where you were before 0:19:57.960 --> 0:20:00.840 there were some holes in the relation, tip or one 0:20:00.920 --> 0:20:02.760 or the both of you were not getting everything that 0:20:02.800 --> 0:20:05.480 you needed, and so to create a new vision for 0:20:05.520 --> 0:20:09.159 the relationship is really key. To say okay in the 0:20:09.200 --> 0:20:13.320 future as we're you know, day by day rebuilding what 0:20:13.400 --> 0:20:16.480 are we building and really get on the same page 0:20:16.520 --> 0:20:19.720 about what it is that you want together, because I 0:20:19.560 --> 0:20:24.119 imagine there's something better to walk into. You know, you 0:20:24.119 --> 0:20:27.320 can learn a lot from this instead of walking away 0:20:27.320 --> 0:20:29.080 from it. So if you're both on the same page 0:20:29.119 --> 0:20:31.879 about what that vision is, that's going to help a 0:20:31.920 --> 0:20:36.119 lot because then you're holding that as opposed to something 0:20:36.160 --> 0:20:39.040 from the past. You know, we know what happened, but 0:20:39.119 --> 0:20:42.840 here's where we're going and work, you know, working towards 0:20:42.880 --> 0:20:45.280 that is going to be a great container to stay 0:20:45.320 --> 0:20:49.119 focused on what you two are building. Like art, you know, 0:20:49.240 --> 0:20:53.199 it's something you're creating together, future focused and then in 0:20:53.280 --> 0:20:56.760 the present for you, you know, there's some work that 0:20:56.880 --> 0:21:02.360 you can do just in individually to look at what 0:21:02.359 --> 0:21:04.920 what's the blessing of this? It showed you that you've 0:21:04.920 --> 0:21:10.080 got some some insecurity, some sense of now questioning who 0:21:10.119 --> 0:21:13.959 you are, and so in that there's a giant lesson, 0:21:14.000 --> 0:21:16.840 there's giant growth for you and that you know, any 0:21:16.920 --> 0:21:19.480 of us has that opportunity. But the fact that you 0:21:19.520 --> 0:21:22.640 have that in your hands now you can say, all right, 0:21:23.320 --> 0:21:26.000 how do I see myself and really go into some 0:21:26.200 --> 0:21:30.280 exploration of how do I identify am I the girl 0:21:30.280 --> 0:21:34.160 who has cheated on? Or am I you know, some 0:21:34.359 --> 0:21:38.040 really beautiful soul on this planet who's worthy of love, 0:21:38.200 --> 0:21:40.760