1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:03,760 Speaker 1: Hello, everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 2 00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:07,120 Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 3 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:09,080 Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here 4 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:12,879 Speaker 1: back for another episode. Today's episode, though you may have 5 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:18,000 Speaker 1: already noticed, is a rerun, So over the next two weeks, 6 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:21,840 Speaker 1: I am putting out some of my best episodes from 7 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:24,959 Speaker 1: the last four years of almost NonStop podcasting as I 8 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:27,960 Speaker 1: just take some time away to launch my debut book, 9 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:31,560 Speaker 1: Person in Progress, A Roadmap to the Psychology of Your Twenties. 10 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:34,160 Speaker 1: Do not fret. I will be back on the twenty 11 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:36,479 Speaker 1: ninth of April, but I just wanted to give my 12 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,880 Speaker 1: book a little bit of extra love these next two 13 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,599 Speaker 1: weeks because it's a big deal and I'm not going 14 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:43,400 Speaker 1: to talk about it too much. I'm sure you're just 15 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:46,199 Speaker 1: here to listen to the podcast and probably sick of 16 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:48,920 Speaker 1: me talking about it, but I just want to say 17 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:51,640 Speaker 1: thank you. I want to say a huge thank you 18 00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:54,200 Speaker 1: for allowing me to write this book and put it 19 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:57,200 Speaker 1: out in the world. This is only possible because of 20 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:00,760 Speaker 1: you all. Because of you, guys, the listeners. Literally, that's it. 21 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,920 Speaker 1: That's the only reason I'm able to do this. And 22 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,880 Speaker 1: I've wanted to be an author since I was five. 23 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,800 Speaker 1: Twenty years later, you guys made that happen for me, 24 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:14,959 Speaker 1: So just thank you, Thank you so much. I would 25 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,240 Speaker 1: obviously love it if you could pre order it, buy it, 26 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,160 Speaker 1: gift it to a friend, but you've already done so much, 27 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,600 Speaker 1: and I just feel honored to have had this opportunity. 28 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,360 Speaker 1: Most of all, I'm just really pumped for you guys 29 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:28,959 Speaker 1: to read it. I hope that you learn something. I'm 30 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:32,039 Speaker 1: sure if you love the podcast, you will love Person 31 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:35,160 Speaker 1: in Progress as well. But it's a really exciting time 32 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:38,000 Speaker 1: and the main feeling I have right now is one 33 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:41,760 Speaker 1: of gratitude. So thank you so much. Without further ado, 34 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:45,399 Speaker 1: I hope you enjoy this rerun of one of my 35 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:54,640 Speaker 1: favorite all time episodes. Hello everybody, and welcome back to 36 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:59,000 Speaker 1: the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk 37 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:02,880 Speaker 1: through some of the big life changes and transitions of 38 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:12,400 Speaker 1: our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, 39 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,919 Speaker 1: Welcome back to this show. Welcome back to the podcast. 40 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:19,519 Speaker 1: New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in the world, 41 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:22,480 Speaker 1: it is so great to have you here. Back for 42 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:26,760 Speaker 1: another episode, Back for another topic. As we break down 43 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:31,200 Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties. When we think about our twenties, 44 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:34,560 Speaker 1: I think there are four things that we worry about 45 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:38,960 Speaker 1: more than anything else. We worry about love, we worry 46 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:44,280 Speaker 1: about money, the future, and finally, our friendships. Today, we're 47 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:46,560 Speaker 1: really going to focus in on that final point there 48 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:51,280 Speaker 1: and examine the way that our friendships change during this 49 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,240 Speaker 1: decade and why, despite a lot of the fear and 50 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:59,400 Speaker 1: our anxiety and our discomfort, this experience is totally normal. 51 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:04,600 Speaker 1: It's natural, and it's going to be okay. Every one 52 00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:06,920 Speaker 1: of us has had to witness as someone they were 53 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:10,840 Speaker 1: once really close to slowly kind of drifts away replies 54 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,440 Speaker 1: to their messages less and less finds new friends who 55 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:17,320 Speaker 1: are maybe better for them, whilst you're left feeling a 56 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:20,880 Speaker 1: little bit discarded, a little bit unmoored. Or maybe you 57 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,200 Speaker 1: are the friend who has moved on and you're coming 58 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:26,400 Speaker 1: to terms with the realization that you have outgrown the 59 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,640 Speaker 1: people who are once your closest friends. The friendship group 60 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:33,040 Speaker 1: has disbanded, your friend's just got a new partner. There 61 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:36,760 Speaker 1: are so many ways that we see our friendships change, 62 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:41,720 Speaker 1: and it's scary because those relationships are really what hold 63 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,800 Speaker 1: us up during this decade is we sow, they kind 64 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:47,360 Speaker 1: of separate away from the security of the family unit 65 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:51,120 Speaker 1: and we're trying to form our own identity. Having a 66 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:54,520 Speaker 1: broad set of friends in those moments to really rely 67 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:58,400 Speaker 1: on and call upon is super vital, and it's also 68 00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:01,320 Speaker 1: really vital for our mental health. There's been so many 69 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:05,240 Speaker 1: studies that have shown that people who have close friends, 70 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,920 Speaker 1: close confidence, they're more satisfied with their lives, They're less 71 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:13,480 Speaker 1: likely to suffer from depression, they overall just feel happier. 72 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:18,360 Speaker 1: And in contrast, people with poor quality friendships or no friends, 73 00:04:18,839 --> 00:04:22,159 Speaker 1: they are twice as likely to die prematurely. Of course, 74 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:28,840 Speaker 1: they suffer increased loneliness. So maintaining a really healthy, broad 75 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:33,960 Speaker 1: fulfilling network of friendships is undoubtedly important. And it's not 76 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,560 Speaker 1: just about the fact that they provide us with comfort 77 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:40,680 Speaker 1: and are obviously massive contributors to our health. But friendship 78 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,599 Speaker 1: is also just one of the greatest joys in life. 79 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:46,520 Speaker 1: Right There are genuinely friends I consider family who know 80 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:50,120 Speaker 1: more about me than any partner of mine ever has, 81 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:57,200 Speaker 1: who make me laugh like beyond reason. That connection is 82 00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,960 Speaker 1: so deep that we never want it to face. In fact, 83 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:04,039 Speaker 1: I think we never consider the fact that it might, 84 00:05:04,279 --> 00:05:06,920 Speaker 1: it might, it will. That is not where our brain 85 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:11,279 Speaker 1: naturally goes to the conclusion of the friendship, because unlike 86 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:14,880 Speaker 1: romantic relationships, I think friendships aren't meant to have an 87 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:17,720 Speaker 1: expiry date. They aren't meant to go up in flames. 88 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:20,080 Speaker 1: There isn't meant to be a breakup. We're not meant 89 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,200 Speaker 1: to fall out of love with our friends. That is 90 00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:25,880 Speaker 1: kind of the beauty of platonic intimacy and connection. It's 91 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:29,119 Speaker 1: meant to outlast a lot of other forms of love. 92 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:31,520 Speaker 1: So it comes as a shock when we begin to 93 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:36,080 Speaker 1: notice our relationships really shifting or drifting apart from people, 94 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:39,880 Speaker 1: or realizing that we have mutually outgrown each other or 95 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:43,000 Speaker 1: just need space. And a lot of the time, our 96 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:49,599 Speaker 1: instinct is to a blame ourselves or be panic immediately 97 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:52,400 Speaker 1: jump to the worst case scenario. What if I lose 98 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:55,280 Speaker 1: all my friends and I end up alone. We don't 99 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:59,200 Speaker 1: give ourselves the grace or the permission in these moments 100 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:02,919 Speaker 1: of transition. Understand that some friendships just have a shorter 101 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:06,560 Speaker 1: life cycle, and our friends scape is naturally going to 102 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:10,360 Speaker 1: shift with age and time. And I think that reaction, 103 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:14,719 Speaker 1: that entire sequence of events and realizations is what we're 104 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:18,000 Speaker 1: really talking about today. Along with all of the psychology 105 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:21,039 Speaker 1: that I think comes with watching our friendships change in 106 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:26,080 Speaker 1: our twenties, we are going to explore the why, including 107 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:31,240 Speaker 1: the literal scientific formula for friendship, the types of friendship 108 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:35,200 Speaker 1: endings from the fizzle to the replacement or the breakup, 109 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:40,440 Speaker 1: how intensity may actually shorten the lifespan of our friendships, 110 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:45,240 Speaker 1: and the impact of simply just entering into a new 111 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,400 Speaker 1: chapter of your life and dealing with some of the 112 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,880 Speaker 1: loneliness that might come along with that. I think there 113 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:55,719 Speaker 1: are a lot of friendship misconceptions that keep us stuck 114 00:06:55,800 --> 00:07:01,120 Speaker 1: in really really draining relationships. You know what, Am I 115 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:03,440 Speaker 1: a bad person if I don't want to be friends 116 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,279 Speaker 1: with this person anymore? Am I toxic because all of 117 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:08,760 Speaker 1: my friends have kind of moved away and stopped talking 118 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:11,760 Speaker 1: to me? Am I boring? How am I going to 119 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:16,360 Speaker 1: adapt to this new reality? There is so much to 120 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:19,600 Speaker 1: discuss here, especially since I think it is so universal. 121 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:23,120 Speaker 1: It is such an important experience to explore because it 122 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:27,280 Speaker 1: is inherently isolating, so we don't find ourselves talking about 123 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:29,680 Speaker 1: it enough, which is to say, in the midst of 124 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:33,480 Speaker 1: a massive friendship transition that I'm sure we are all experiencing. 125 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,720 Speaker 1: I really hope this helps you. I hope that this 126 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:39,080 Speaker 1: gives you a sense of guidance. So, without further ado, 127 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:43,160 Speaker 1: let's get into the psychology behind why our friendships change 128 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:51,520 Speaker 1: and why that is totally okay. This past year for 129 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:57,040 Speaker 1: me has been a period of like rapid transition, and 130 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,560 Speaker 1: with that, there's been this real shift in who I 131 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:03,480 Speaker 1: spend my time with the friendships I have, and unfortunately 132 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:05,560 Speaker 1: it's required a lot of reflecting on some of the 133 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,920 Speaker 1: people that I have seen fade away from my life 134 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:12,720 Speaker 1: and kind of feeling a little bit like my friendship 135 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:16,600 Speaker 1: circle is unbalanced. The true biggest factors for me, I 136 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:20,160 Speaker 1: think in that change has been firstly, seeing a lot 137 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:23,120 Speaker 1: of my friends move away from the city where we 138 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:25,000 Speaker 1: kind of all grew to knew each other when we 139 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:28,400 Speaker 1: were at university. We all went to university at Canberra, 140 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,200 Speaker 1: and I was talking to my boyfriend about this the 141 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:33,600 Speaker 1: other day. But I think the reason I've been feeling 142 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:38,319 Speaker 1: really isolated is because as we like enter into our 143 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,800 Speaker 1: I think early in mid twenties in particular, a lot 144 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:44,120 Speaker 1: of people choose to scatter, a lot of people move 145 00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:47,640 Speaker 1: away and of the people that I'm closest to, one 146 00:08:47,679 --> 00:08:50,160 Speaker 1: now lives in Paris, one lives in London, one lives 147 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:53,559 Speaker 1: in Tasmania, which is like a kind of semi regional 148 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,200 Speaker 1: island off of Australia. You know, one of them is 149 00:08:56,200 --> 00:09:00,000 Speaker 1: in Nepal, and everyone just makes the decision that's better 150 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:02,719 Speaker 1: for them. They move on with their lives, and that 151 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 1: means that each of us is feeling I think uniquely, 152 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:11,040 Speaker 1: very isolated. That distance is naturally going to change kind 153 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:14,080 Speaker 1: of the dynamic because you don't have that same proximity 154 00:09:14,559 --> 00:09:17,440 Speaker 1: and the ease or access to this other person. It 155 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:21,360 Speaker 1: requires more of an investment, and if you're not willing 156 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,120 Speaker 1: to keep that up, you have to be willing to 157 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:27,960 Speaker 1: see that friendship fizzle out a little bit, not be 158 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:31,720 Speaker 1: what it once was, or kind of hope that they return, 159 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,880 Speaker 1: and it's one of those magical moments where it's kind 160 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:36,640 Speaker 1: of right back to normal. So I think that's like 161 00:09:36,679 --> 00:09:39,520 Speaker 1: the first big change I've seen in my personal life. 162 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:44,400 Speaker 1: The second factor has to do not just with specific friendships, 163 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:48,280 Speaker 1: but an entire way of socializing. The older we get, 164 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,880 Speaker 1: I think we lose some of our interest in the 165 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:53,080 Speaker 1: ways we used to hang out with our friends when 166 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:57,240 Speaker 1: we were eighteen or nineteen or even twenty, particularly to 167 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:01,880 Speaker 1: do with the drinking culture. I know for me personally 168 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:05,040 Speaker 1: that when I was at UNI, it was like binge 169 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,319 Speaker 1: drinking central, like that was part of how we socialized, 170 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:12,240 Speaker 1: that was part of how we spent out, you know, Thursday, Friday, 171 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:15,679 Speaker 1: Saturday nights. It is this thing in psychology called bad 172 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:21,400 Speaker 1: behavior bonding, where we sometimes find ourselves really attracted and 173 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,840 Speaker 1: attached to people who are on an equally chaotic and 174 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:28,360 Speaker 1: self destructive path or in that same place as us 175 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,920 Speaker 1: in that moment, and then we enable each other. But 176 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:36,480 Speaker 1: when one person decides it's kind of time to outgrow that, 177 00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:40,080 Speaker 1: that they've matured past that kind of chapter, it comes 178 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:43,439 Speaker 1: at the cost of the friends they made through those behaviors. 179 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:46,280 Speaker 1: I think eighteen year old Gemma would be shocked to 180 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,760 Speaker 1: hear that. You know, I don't go clubbing really anymore. 181 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,880 Speaker 1: I don't really want to be up to two am 182 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,960 Speaker 1: on a weeknight. I want to be in bed, I 183 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:57,840 Speaker 1: want to be watching Seinfeld. My threshold for social interaction, 184 00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:02,160 Speaker 1: and I think most people's threshold for social interaction has 185 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:06,120 Speaker 1: lowered significantly as I've entered, like my mid twenties. Some 186 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,960 Speaker 1: of that is obviously environmental, but also some of it 187 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,920 Speaker 1: is just psychological and personal, like that's not what I'm 188 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:16,199 Speaker 1: really interested in anymore. And then there's the other factor 189 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:19,120 Speaker 1: of the fact that I have met someone that I 190 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:22,840 Speaker 1: have a partner. Now, when we enter into a relationship, 191 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:27,720 Speaker 1: this center of our social universe, our emotional universe or 192 00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:31,920 Speaker 1: solar system, it shifts away from our friendships and towards 193 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,200 Speaker 1: our partner, And if you're not careful, you kind of 194 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,880 Speaker 1: fall out of orbit with those around you. You know, 195 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,040 Speaker 1: you want to spend as much time as possible with 196 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,760 Speaker 1: this person that you're falling in love with. You want 197 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:44,560 Speaker 1: to see them all the time, You want to invite 198 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:48,160 Speaker 1: them to everything that you're doing. That can sometimes come 199 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:52,600 Speaker 1: at the expense of those platonic relationships that you've maintained 200 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,440 Speaker 1: for much longer than you've known this person. So I 201 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:59,000 Speaker 1: think it's these like two to three parallel changes that 202 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:03,440 Speaker 1: have left me feeling pretty isolated, perhaps feeling like I 203 00:12:03,559 --> 00:12:08,400 Speaker 1: haven't adapted as quickly to these situations as I could have. However, 204 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:12,559 Speaker 1: I also recognize that in our twenties, we are writing 205 00:12:12,559 --> 00:12:15,960 Speaker 1: what I like to call the friendship roller coaster. The 206 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:20,720 Speaker 1: friendship roller coaster is this phenomenon I've noticed whereby we 207 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:25,400 Speaker 1: can feel incredibly happy and fulfilled by our friendships, almost 208 00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:29,440 Speaker 1: overwhelmed with love, you know, one day, and then three 209 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:33,160 Speaker 1: days later you can end up in this total thought 210 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:37,360 Speaker 1: spiral about how we have no one, how we're totally alone, 211 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:39,520 Speaker 1: how no one wants to spend time with you know, 212 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:42,280 Speaker 1: with us. As if three days earlier you hadn't been 213 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:45,520 Speaker 1: having the best time, you hadn't been feeling totally validated. 214 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:48,839 Speaker 1: That is the friendship roller coaster of our twenties. There 215 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:51,680 Speaker 1: are a lot of really high highs and a lot 216 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:56,440 Speaker 1: of really low lows, and normally at those low points, 217 00:12:56,720 --> 00:13:01,480 Speaker 1: nothing really has changed except our mental state. And it 218 00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:03,920 Speaker 1: goes to show how so much of our experience of 219 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:08,760 Speaker 1: feeling isolated or lonely is entirely subjective, and it's based 220 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:13,280 Speaker 1: on what I think is a very instinctial, inherent fear 221 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:16,400 Speaker 1: of loneliness that is not always based on the truth. 222 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,520 Speaker 1: It is a false alarm. That is why we are 223 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:23,840 Speaker 1: so fearful of our friendships changing, because underneath that fear 224 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:29,240 Speaker 1: is a much more primal fear of being alone, and 225 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:33,520 Speaker 1: so we become really hyper vigilant to any cues, small 226 00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:39,400 Speaker 1: suggestions that point to the fact that our relationships are weakening, 227 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:44,600 Speaker 1: that people are becoming more distant. Sometimes that is true. 228 00:13:44,679 --> 00:13:48,200 Speaker 1: As sad as it is, we are naturally going to 229 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:51,320 Speaker 1: lose friends. It is unavoidable, and I want to talk 230 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:54,920 Speaker 1: about why we see that so often in our twenties. 231 00:13:55,000 --> 00:14:00,200 Speaker 1: In particular, this decade is a period of transition all 232 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:05,880 Speaker 1: of us. Career transition, mental transition, emotional transition, even physical transition. 233 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:09,040 Speaker 1: As we've spoken about, as we kind of move, we scatter, 234 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:12,800 Speaker 1: we pursue different paths. Everyone is kind of on their own, 235 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,760 Speaker 1: you know, I know it sounds cheesy, but their own journey. 236 00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:20,160 Speaker 1: In that moment, we are all trying equally as hard 237 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:23,360 Speaker 1: as everyone else to just figure out what we want 238 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:26,560 Speaker 1: from life and how we can actually do those things. 239 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:29,560 Speaker 1: It's interesting because I think although we are all the 240 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:34,120 Speaker 1: same age, we are all almost at like different life points. 241 00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:37,440 Speaker 1: We've all hit different milestones. Some of us are still 242 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:39,640 Speaker 1: living at home, some of us have moved in with 243 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:43,120 Speaker 1: like partners. We're living abroad, some of us are still 244 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:46,320 Speaker 1: at UNI. We are all at these very different stages. 245 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:49,480 Speaker 1: Whereas for the first eighteen years of our lives. If 246 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:52,640 Speaker 1: someone was our age, we could assume that they were 247 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:55,040 Speaker 1: doing a lot of the same things as we were. 248 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:58,280 Speaker 1: We were kind of living parallel lives because of the 249 00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:01,960 Speaker 1: structures of childhood and adults essense. But in our twenties 250 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:07,200 Speaker 1: that all splinters. It's kind of like a life path explosion. 251 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,880 Speaker 1: It's at this point of I don't want to say, 252 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:17,000 Speaker 1: you know, upheaval, but like significant growth and impact that 253 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:20,520 Speaker 1: we see the relationships around us change as well, and 254 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,440 Speaker 1: they will continue to do so for the remainder of 255 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,440 Speaker 1: our twenties and the remainder of our lives. One of 256 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:28,920 Speaker 1: the biggest moments that I think we encounter this is 257 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:32,400 Speaker 1: following university or high school. When we are at Uni, 258 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:38,040 Speaker 1: we spend so much time together. There is just endless 259 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:42,760 Speaker 1: opportunities to be around your friends, opportunities to laugh, to 260 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:46,400 Speaker 1: have fun, and we are having this very shared experience. 261 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,680 Speaker 1: We're working towards the same goal to you know, graduate 262 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:52,400 Speaker 1: at the end of all this, and our friendships at 263 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:55,400 Speaker 1: that point are really really convenient. You are living in 264 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:58,560 Speaker 1: the same place, possibly the same town, even sometimes the 265 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:02,160 Speaker 1: same building. You're well going to the library every day, 266 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,120 Speaker 1: you are eating together every day, seeing each other as 267 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,880 Speaker 1: much as you can, and when we no longer have 268 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:13,120 Speaker 1: a those shared experiences or be the shared environment, we 269 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:17,200 Speaker 1: slowly lose that closeness. And to understand this, we really 270 00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:22,960 Speaker 1: need to look at the psychological principles underlying friendship. These 271 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:26,400 Speaker 1: researchers back in the nineties, they proposed it there are 272 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:32,280 Speaker 1: for key ingredients or factors that can basically predict whether 273 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:35,760 Speaker 1: you and someone else will become friends and also whether 274 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:39,760 Speaker 1: you'll be able to maintain that friendship. And these ingredients 275 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:49,080 Speaker 1: are proximity, similarity, familiarity, and reciprocity. So proximity basically just 276 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:53,280 Speaker 1: means physical closeness. How easy is it for you to 277 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:57,480 Speaker 1: see this person regularly. They did a study on this 278 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:01,080 Speaker 1: at university dorm rooms, and they found that how close 279 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:05,720 Speaker 1: people's rooms were to each other actually predicted the likelihood 280 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:09,280 Speaker 1: of them becoming friends. A lot of our friendships basically 281 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:13,120 Speaker 1: come down to the ease of contact and the frequency 282 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:18,159 Speaker 1: of contact. Secondly, we have similarity. We're obviously going to 283 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:23,480 Speaker 1: like someone more if they share the same interests, hobbies, lifestyle, beliefs, 284 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,760 Speaker 1: is us. But this also includes similarity in terms of 285 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:31,639 Speaker 1: current and past life experiences or a similar sharing a 286 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:37,360 Speaker 1: similar environment. Then we have familiarity that refers to not 287 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:40,320 Speaker 1: just how long we've known someone, how close we are 288 00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:43,760 Speaker 1: with them, but also the depth of the connection. You know, 289 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:47,120 Speaker 1: sometimes we think that the people who have known us 290 00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:50,320 Speaker 1: the longest know us the best. That is not always 291 00:17:50,359 --> 00:17:53,080 Speaker 1: the case. Sometimes we meet people and there is just 292 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:59,440 Speaker 1: this intense, intense spark, this intense platonic chemistry, such that 293 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:03,160 Speaker 1: we all automatically immediately feel like we have known them 294 00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:07,919 Speaker 1: our whole lives. Familiarity is basically just close knowledge of 295 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:12,600 Speaker 1: another person. And finally, we have reciprocity, which is knowing 296 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:16,520 Speaker 1: that what you give someone in terms of your love, 297 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,359 Speaker 1: in terms of your energy, in terms of your time, 298 00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:23,560 Speaker 1: is going to be returned, is going to be reciprocated. 299 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:27,600 Speaker 1: So those are the most important factors When we talk 300 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:32,320 Speaker 1: about our friendships changing in our twenties. Nine out of 301 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:36,320 Speaker 1: ten times I would say that change normally comes down 302 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:40,520 Speaker 1: to a shift in one of these four conditions. For example, 303 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:43,720 Speaker 1: when people move away or they get really busy they 304 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:47,560 Speaker 1: start full time work, we lose that proximity. It makes 305 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:50,560 Speaker 1: it harder to see them. When we lose those shared 306 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:54,440 Speaker 1: experiences like no longer being university together, we have less 307 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,720 Speaker 1: to talk about. When we lose that familiarity, we feel 308 00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,560 Speaker 1: like this person no longer knows us. And when we 309 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:04,959 Speaker 1: begin to see a friendship as one sided without that 310 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:08,480 Speaker 1: reciprocity we were speaking about, this is when it makes 311 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,800 Speaker 1: us question how much this person really wants us to 312 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:14,640 Speaker 1: be in their life. What I often say is that 313 00:19:15,119 --> 00:19:18,920 Speaker 1: friendships can survive a reduction or a change in one 314 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:23,320 Speaker 1: of these conditions, but not to so. For example, it's 315 00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:26,440 Speaker 1: totally fine if your friend gets really busy at work 316 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,840 Speaker 1: and can only see you once a fortnight, once a month, 317 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:37,159 Speaker 1: as long as you maintain that similarity, familiarity, reciprocity. You 318 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,879 Speaker 1: make time when you have time, and you talk about 319 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,560 Speaker 1: things that are interesting and you want to see them. 320 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:48,000 Speaker 1: But if suddenly you no longer have those shared stories, beliefs, values, interests, 321 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:51,159 Speaker 1: and then you also don't see them regularly, that is 322 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,160 Speaker 1: when the friendship starts to crumble, or if the friend 323 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:57,679 Speaker 1: is not reciprocating your excitement or your investment in seeing 324 00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:00,480 Speaker 1: them again, we really begin to question them value of 325 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:03,679 Speaker 1: the friendship or how much longer it can last. I 326 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:08,280 Speaker 1: want to stress this again. I know that that feels 327 00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:12,920 Speaker 1: really painful. But it's not abnormal. You are not the 328 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:17,120 Speaker 1: only one who is either going through these changes themselves, 329 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:21,760 Speaker 1: struggling to connect with people you once loved, or watching 330 00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:24,720 Speaker 1: someone else feel the same way about your friendship, watching 331 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:31,040 Speaker 1: the people around you suddenly almost disappear. Friendships change because 332 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:35,000 Speaker 1: people change, and sometimes they just don't change in the 333 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:38,439 Speaker 1: same direction. That is not a crime. It is not 334 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,800 Speaker 1: because there is something wrong with you or something wrong 335 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,199 Speaker 1: with them. I think the worst thing we can do 336 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:47,320 Speaker 1: in response to that is actually act from a place 337 00:20:47,359 --> 00:20:52,560 Speaker 1: of anger or rejection, because you're not actually angry at them, 338 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,640 Speaker 1: You're just hurt. You're just scared of losing them. You're 339 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:59,320 Speaker 1: just scared of change. And your sadness and your panic 340 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:02,840 Speaker 1: is in it self and indicated that you love them deeply. 341 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,160 Speaker 1: So I think when we are in those moments where 342 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:08,320 Speaker 1: we are really fearful that we're losing people, feeling like 343 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:12,160 Speaker 1: we should push them away or you know, sometimes find 344 00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:15,560 Speaker 1: a replacement, we do just need to pause and approach 345 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:19,879 Speaker 1: this very rationally. This is all about a transition. It's 346 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:22,920 Speaker 1: all about a journey and where you are at now 347 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:26,560 Speaker 1: with your friends. Like we said, it is the friendship rollercoaster. 348 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,040 Speaker 1: It may not be where you end up. There are 349 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:34,880 Speaker 1: other factors as well that I think also alter our 350 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:40,359 Speaker 1: friendships irreversibly, and that includes really significant events like a 351 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:45,560 Speaker 1: big breach of trust, a betrayal, misunderstandings. I think these 352 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:48,639 Speaker 1: things differ from what we were talking about before and 353 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:51,000 Speaker 1: when we encounter those things. There are four kind of 354 00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:56,400 Speaker 1: friendship breakups that we most often see. These are the 355 00:21:56,440 --> 00:22:03,320 Speaker 1: friendship fizzle, the replacement sided severance, and the breakup where 356 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:08,800 Speaker 1: really drastic measures are required. So I would say if 357 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,520 Speaker 1: we have a look at our friendships, the mutual and 358 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:15,240 Speaker 1: you know friendships from the past, the mutual fizzle is 359 00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:19,440 Speaker 1: most common. There are some people we are not meant 360 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,680 Speaker 1: to be around our entire lives. We are only meant 361 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,439 Speaker 1: to be with them for a season before it is, 362 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,879 Speaker 1: you know, time for us to move on. Maybe this 363 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:30,880 Speaker 1: person just no longer fills your cup in the same 364 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:32,960 Speaker 1: way you are friends at work, Now you no longer 365 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:37,200 Speaker 1: have that shared topic to discuss. They were your ex's friends. 366 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:41,240 Speaker 1: The keyword though, here is mutual. We both kind of 367 00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:45,119 Speaker 1: understand that we aren't as close as we once were. 368 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:49,440 Speaker 1: The context around us has changed, and perhaps it's time 369 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,760 Speaker 1: to actually just let the other person. Go, stop trying 370 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:56,439 Speaker 1: to reschedule the plans, just let it fizzle. Then we 371 00:22:56,520 --> 00:23:01,800 Speaker 1: have the replacement. This one really hurts. It hurts so much. 372 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:06,120 Speaker 1: Sometimes we have this really intense relationship with someone. They're 373 00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:09,440 Speaker 1: our best friend, we do everything together, and then slowly 374 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:12,720 Speaker 1: they start mentioning some other person more and more, they're 375 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:15,639 Speaker 1: spending more time with them. We feel shut out or replaced, 376 00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:19,560 Speaker 1: or perhaps, as we were talking about, before they meet 377 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,200 Speaker 1: someone they meet a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a partner, 378 00:23:23,119 --> 00:23:26,840 Speaker 1: even though we know that we are not entitled to 379 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:30,440 Speaker 1: all of their time. A lot of this comes from 380 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:34,800 Speaker 1: a very I think justified place of jealousy. And it's 381 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:38,560 Speaker 1: a jealousy we typically think is reserved for romantic relationships. 382 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,160 Speaker 1: But when you love someone as deeply as you love 383 00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:45,760 Speaker 1: this person, another individual's kind of entrance into your relationship 384 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:49,560 Speaker 1: or like the equation can feel like a real threat. 385 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:53,440 Speaker 1: And it's these friendships, I think, those very very very 386 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:57,520 Speaker 1: close friendships that keep us quite grounded, that actually form 387 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:01,080 Speaker 1: a huge part of our identity and how we see ourselves. 388 00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:06,240 Speaker 1: So when one person seemingly moves on or stops investing 389 00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:09,560 Speaker 1: as much or starts investing more in someone else. It 390 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:13,359 Speaker 1: can quite honestly leave us feeling really lost, maybe feel 391 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:16,800 Speaker 1: like we should be sharing our time around as well. 392 00:24:17,119 --> 00:24:20,240 Speaker 1: There's also a saying about these intense relationships that really 393 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:24,119 Speaker 1: applies here. The flame that burns twice as bright burns 394 00:24:24,119 --> 00:24:26,920 Speaker 1: out quicker. I see this all the time with those 395 00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:30,480 Speaker 1: really high intensity friendships. You're kind of like addicted to them. 396 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:32,760 Speaker 1: You put a lot of pressure on them more than 397 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:36,560 Speaker 1: other friendships. You have this really high expectation, this high 398 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:39,040 Speaker 1: level of time that you spend with each other, and 399 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,439 Speaker 1: a lot of demands for the other person that I 400 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:46,640 Speaker 1: think can rarely be sustained without the occasional break or 401 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:50,520 Speaker 1: some very solid boundaries. And I don't think that those relationships, 402 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:56,359 Speaker 1: those really intense relationships can survive very long without one 403 00:24:56,480 --> 00:25:01,440 Speaker 1: person in that kind of dynamic choosing to make a change, 404 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:04,360 Speaker 1: which is why I think not only do they hurt 405 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:08,160 Speaker 1: a lot, but we also see them ending quite frequently. 406 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:14,600 Speaker 1: And then we have this one sided severance where without reason, 407 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:19,399 Speaker 1: someone suddenly detaches, doesn't want to talk to you, doesn't 408 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,840 Speaker 1: want to communicate with you, doesn't really offer you any 409 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:27,359 Speaker 1: kind of explanation. That is just I can understand how 410 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,000 Speaker 1: devastating that is, I've had that happen to me before. 411 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,440 Speaker 1: Sometimes people have their reasons they don't want to share 412 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:37,560 Speaker 1: them with you. That's fine, but you're kind of having 413 00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:40,280 Speaker 1: to go through a friendship breakup all on your own 414 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:44,199 Speaker 1: without the closure. We have to go searching for the 415 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:48,600 Speaker 1: answers ourselves. I think when a true friendship breakup actually occurs, 416 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:52,120 Speaker 1: we kind of both understand why. We know what happened, 417 00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:53,960 Speaker 1: we know our role in it, we know what we 418 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:57,160 Speaker 1: need to take accountability for. But when we have these 419 00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:00,919 Speaker 1: one sided severances, you really you're kind of left in 420 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:04,080 Speaker 1: the dark. You're left looking for your own answers. I 421 00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:09,800 Speaker 1: really do believe that friendship breakups hurt so much more 422 00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:16,040 Speaker 1: than romantic breakups because we never expect them. Friendships always 423 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:19,480 Speaker 1: feel so permanent, and as we get older we quickly 424 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:23,520 Speaker 1: realize that they're not. It is okay to grieve what was, 425 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:26,439 Speaker 1: to think about them, to want to reach out, but 426 00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:29,240 Speaker 1: it's also okay to recognize that, just like the end 427 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:32,720 Speaker 1: of a romantic relationship, this might have been for the best. 428 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:36,639 Speaker 1: Sometimes not only do we grow apart, but we begin 429 00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:40,880 Speaker 1: to kind of realize and recognize how this person has 430 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:45,680 Speaker 1: caused friction in our lives may not have respected our boundaries, 431 00:26:46,359 --> 00:26:50,520 Speaker 1: or maybe there was some event where suddenly you saw 432 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:53,359 Speaker 1: them in a new light and you're just shocked that 433 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:56,200 Speaker 1: this is actually who they are and you've never seen 434 00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:59,760 Speaker 1: that before. I actually had someone tell me the other 435 00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:02,560 Speaker 1: day about a friendship breakup they had with their best 436 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:06,919 Speaker 1: friend of eight years, and they went on vacation together, 437 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:12,240 Speaker 1: and throughout this trip, this person slowly realized that her 438 00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:15,880 Speaker 1: and her friend could not be friends anymore, that when 439 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:18,800 Speaker 1: she returned it would have to be over. Her friend 440 00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:22,359 Speaker 1: was cruel, would yell at her, would ignore her when 441 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:26,840 Speaker 1: other people were around, wasn't willing to compromise. That is 442 00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:30,680 Speaker 1: not a relationship we should prioritize. And sometimes we don't 443 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:33,879 Speaker 1: see those parts of someone until we see them in 444 00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,919 Speaker 1: a new situation like a wedding, like an engagement, like 445 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:41,560 Speaker 1: a baby is coming, or one of you is experiencing 446 00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:43,399 Speaker 1: like a lot of really great success and the other 447 00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:47,680 Speaker 1: person is jealous. I guess in those situations, it's better 448 00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:51,879 Speaker 1: to kind of feel lonely than to be around someone 449 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:56,280 Speaker 1: or trust someone who obviously doesn't have your best intentions 450 00:27:56,320 --> 00:27:58,720 Speaker 1: at heart. And I guess that's one of my main 451 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:02,879 Speaker 1: premises or argument here. Not all friendships are meant to 452 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:07,520 Speaker 1: last for a good reason, and our fear of loneliness 453 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:11,200 Speaker 1: should not keep us in relationships that do not nurture 454 00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:14,360 Speaker 1: and build us up and make us better people. We 455 00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:18,359 Speaker 1: should not sacrifice our boundaries or our needs for the 456 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:21,359 Speaker 1: sake of company. You can find company anywhere. You can 457 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:24,000 Speaker 1: go to the local coffee shop and have a chat 458 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:26,919 Speaker 1: with some nice lady in her sixties, and then you go, 459 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:30,680 Speaker 1: bingo bango, you have a best friend. When we continue 460 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:34,760 Speaker 1: to pour attention and time and energy into these dead 461 00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:38,040 Speaker 1: end relationships, we lose out on a lot of other 462 00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:42,840 Speaker 1: opportunities to meet people who might suit this chapter or 463 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:46,080 Speaker 1: season of your life better, even if it takes some time. 464 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:50,000 Speaker 1: The saying that I always come back to again and 465 00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:53,480 Speaker 1: again and again. It is impossible to keep every single 466 00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:56,720 Speaker 1: friend you've ever had, especially as you add new relationships, 467 00:28:57,040 --> 00:29:00,840 Speaker 1: when your life circumstances change, or when you become aware 468 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:04,480 Speaker 1: of key differences in your values and characters. It does 469 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:06,840 Speaker 1: not make you a bad person to want to move on, 470 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,680 Speaker 1: but it also doesn't make you a bad person to 471 00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:13,080 Speaker 1: grieve and still know that that was necessary. So what 472 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:16,280 Speaker 1: I really want to discuss next is how to manage 473 00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:20,440 Speaker 1: your kind of changing friendship landscape, whether it is you're 474 00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:22,320 Speaker 1: seeing more of the fizzle, or there has been a 475 00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:27,040 Speaker 1: friendship breakup or people have moved. What other dos and 476 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:31,840 Speaker 1: don'ts of evolving friendships in our twenties, So all of 477 00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:41,440 Speaker 1: that and more after this short break. There are a 478 00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:45,400 Speaker 1: few common misconceptions about friendships that I think make us 479 00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:50,040 Speaker 1: feel particularly panicked when we notice things changing in our twenties. 480 00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:54,880 Speaker 1: The first one that I think is perpetrated, especially during 481 00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:57,840 Speaker 1: this decade, is that we need to have a massive 482 00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:02,000 Speaker 1: group of friends in order to be happy. This personally 483 00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:06,880 Speaker 1: drives me insane because I have never been someone who 484 00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:09,520 Speaker 1: has had this one big, jolly group of friends who 485 00:30:09,560 --> 00:30:14,280 Speaker 1: do everything together. And I personally blame shows like Friends 486 00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:17,840 Speaker 1: and New Girl for this idea that we need this 487 00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:22,920 Speaker 1: one tight group of people from ages like ten to 488 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:26,479 Speaker 1: sixty or whatever like for our entire adult life in 489 00:30:26,560 --> 00:30:29,720 Speaker 1: order to be happy, or this argument that we can't 490 00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:33,959 Speaker 1: be equally fulfilled by one on one friendships. When we 491 00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:41,040 Speaker 1: strip it down, what we really need friends for is trust, comfort, love, 492 00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:44,360 Speaker 1: and belonging, And it doesn't matter what form that comes in. 493 00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:47,520 Speaker 1: It doesn't matter if it's a huge group situation, or 494 00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:50,800 Speaker 1: if it looks different to what we see others doing, 495 00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:53,840 Speaker 1: you know, in social media, or what we see other 496 00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:57,120 Speaker 1: people doing online, or in the movies and the TV 497 00:30:57,240 --> 00:30:59,720 Speaker 1: shows that we watch. A lot of that is fiction. 498 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:03,239 Speaker 1: And I don't think that we should buy into this 499 00:31:03,320 --> 00:31:06,280 Speaker 1: idea that just because you've never had a big group 500 00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:09,760 Speaker 1: of girlfriends or a big group of friends, that somehow 501 00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:15,040 Speaker 1: you are lonelier than the rest. The second biggest misconception 502 00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:19,720 Speaker 1: is that you should continue a friendship because you owe 503 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:22,520 Speaker 1: it to them, either due to the length of time 504 00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:25,960 Speaker 1: that you've known each other or maybe because they have 505 00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:28,920 Speaker 1: a lot going on in their life. One therapist calls 506 00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:32,400 Speaker 1: this a sense of emotional servitude because it involves putting 507 00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:35,080 Speaker 1: effort towards a friendship, as if you're paying off a 508 00:31:35,160 --> 00:31:39,280 Speaker 1: debt or paying off you know, or paying them this 509 00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:42,120 Speaker 1: like energy this time without ever getting anything back for you, 510 00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:45,880 Speaker 1: like you are doing the emotional labor for this other person. 511 00:31:46,520 --> 00:31:49,920 Speaker 1: And I see this a lot with friends in a 512 00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:54,280 Speaker 1: situation where one party is really going through something really difficult, 513 00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:58,200 Speaker 1: but despite that, has no respect for the wellbeing of 514 00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:01,600 Speaker 1: the other person, has no appreciation for the other person's 515 00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:04,400 Speaker 1: boundaries has no appreciation for what the other person needs. 516 00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:07,560 Speaker 1: Sometimes that's understandable, right, if you're going through a really 517 00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:10,520 Speaker 1: hard season in life, you're not always that aware of 518 00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:13,880 Speaker 1: what other people are are doing. Empathy is kind of 519 00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:17,040 Speaker 1: not something that you can prioritize at that moment. But 520 00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:19,719 Speaker 1: that does not mean that you are not allowed to 521 00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:22,720 Speaker 1: set boundaries with this person just because you're afraid of 522 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:28,800 Speaker 1: appearing disloyal or you're afraid of upsetting them. Right, that relationship, 523 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:32,360 Speaker 1: when it gets to that point is actually, if you 524 00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:37,400 Speaker 1: maintain it without setting up proper parameters or limits, is 525 00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:40,600 Speaker 1: going to do a lot more harm than good. It 526 00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:44,520 Speaker 1: is going to end up hurting both of you. And 527 00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:47,080 Speaker 1: we see that a lot with people that have also 528 00:32:47,080 --> 00:32:49,760 Speaker 1: been friends with someone for a really long time, and 529 00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:52,840 Speaker 1: even though they just have nothing in common anymore, even 530 00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:56,520 Speaker 1: though this person may drain their energy may actually make 531 00:32:56,560 --> 00:33:00,320 Speaker 1: them feel bad about themselves, they stay because they don't 532 00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:03,760 Speaker 1: want to be labeled as someone who leaves. And I 533 00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:06,240 Speaker 1: think when you hold on too tight to people who 534 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:10,800 Speaker 1: don't want to maintain their relationship or who don't appreciate you, 535 00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:14,120 Speaker 1: you're basically carrying a dead weight that is holding you 536 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,520 Speaker 1: back from a new season of friendship and a new 537 00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:21,600 Speaker 1: season of connection for you. The third misconception is that 538 00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:26,560 Speaker 1: it's too late for you to make new friends, that 539 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:29,719 Speaker 1: by our twenties we should already know the people who 540 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:33,760 Speaker 1: will be in our wedding party, or be our children's godparents, 541 00:33:33,840 --> 00:33:36,959 Speaker 1: or who will mourn at their funeral. I think that 542 00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:42,120 Speaker 1: is absolutely incorrect. Research has shown that we replace half 543 00:33:42,160 --> 00:33:45,680 Speaker 1: of our friends every seven years up until old age, 544 00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:49,320 Speaker 1: which is to say that we are constantly in a 545 00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:53,520 Speaker 1: state of pruning our friendships, letting go of certain friends, 546 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:58,760 Speaker 1: letting them drift, and then subsequently making new ones throughout life. 547 00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:02,160 Speaker 1: I read an article that put it really, really well 548 00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:04,560 Speaker 1: that you're not going to be the same person your 549 00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:07,200 Speaker 1: entire life, and you cannot expect other people to be 550 00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:10,360 Speaker 1: the same version of themselves as well. You have changed 551 00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:14,120 Speaker 1: so much in the past ten years, five years, even 552 00:34:14,160 --> 00:34:17,160 Speaker 1: the last six months, so it makes sense that those 553 00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:22,040 Speaker 1: around you those relationships have also shifted with time. Yes, 554 00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:26,960 Speaker 1: there might be certain friendships that have evolved to align 555 00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:29,160 Speaker 1: with this new version of you and this new version 556 00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:32,880 Speaker 1: of themselves, but it's sometimes just not feasible for you 557 00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:37,439 Speaker 1: to keep up with every single person who has known 558 00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:39,600 Speaker 1: you since you were a child, who is no new 559 00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:43,400 Speaker 1: since you were a teenager. There's just not enough time 560 00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:46,720 Speaker 1: in the week, like there genuinely just isn't enough time 561 00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:51,200 Speaker 1: in the day to maintain connections with everybody. So you 562 00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:56,080 Speaker 1: need to give yourself, I think, space to make new 563 00:34:56,160 --> 00:35:01,200 Speaker 1: friendships that might fulfill you more with being scared that 564 00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:04,440 Speaker 1: you will never find anybody. I kind of want to 565 00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:09,160 Speaker 1: reiterate that do not hold on to these relationships just 566 00:35:09,239 --> 00:35:11,640 Speaker 1: because you're scared that no one will fill their place 567 00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:15,479 Speaker 1: or feel that social need in your life. I think 568 00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:18,919 Speaker 1: that there are so many people that will just show 569 00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:22,480 Speaker 1: up in your life one day by surprise and change everything, 570 00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:24,640 Speaker 1: but you do need to leave space for them. And 571 00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:29,200 Speaker 1: leaving space means the following. Don't adopt the philosophy that 572 00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:32,680 Speaker 1: you already have all the friends you need. It may 573 00:35:32,719 --> 00:35:35,080 Speaker 1: feel true, but you never know. You truly never know 574 00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:38,320 Speaker 1: how much opening yourself up to that one extra person 575 00:35:38,760 --> 00:35:43,680 Speaker 1: could really like change everything for you. Also say yes 576 00:35:43,719 --> 00:35:47,680 Speaker 1: to things even when they scare you, to invitations to activities, 577 00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:51,200 Speaker 1: to joining sports clubs and your hobbies. Take on the 578 00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:55,839 Speaker 1: philosophy that everyone wants to be your friend. You are 579 00:35:55,960 --> 00:36:01,839 Speaker 1: magnetic you attract really good people. Don't isolate yourself by 580 00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:05,200 Speaker 1: thinking that you can only be friends with one type 581 00:36:05,239 --> 00:36:09,279 Speaker 1: of person, or that the length of time you've been 582 00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:12,920 Speaker 1: friends with someone is the only factor in your closeness, 583 00:36:13,400 --> 00:36:18,239 Speaker 1: is the only kind of indicator of compatibility. I think 584 00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:22,840 Speaker 1: that we buy into that a lot, that just because 585 00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:25,359 Speaker 1: we've known someone the longest must mean that they are 586 00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:28,279 Speaker 1: our best friend. And time and time again we see 587 00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:32,319 Speaker 1: that that is not true, That compatibility and chemistry and 588 00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:37,960 Speaker 1: love and platonic intimacy work in really strange and surprising ways. 589 00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:41,959 Speaker 1: And with that, do not buy into this idea that 590 00:36:42,480 --> 00:36:46,920 Speaker 1: you are past your friendship prime, because when you believe 591 00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:48,719 Speaker 1: that there was a time and a place to make 592 00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:51,600 Speaker 1: your lifelong friends, you've missed it. You've missed the boat. 593 00:36:52,239 --> 00:36:57,480 Speaker 1: You're subconsciously going to be less likely to initiate new conversations, 594 00:36:57,520 --> 00:37:00,759 Speaker 1: new connections, new relationships, because do you already feel like 595 00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:04,800 Speaker 1: you've lost, You already feel like you're behind. I also 596 00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:08,120 Speaker 1: think it's very important to not respond with fear when 597 00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:11,320 Speaker 1: we feel our kind of friendship landscape shifting, because fear 598 00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:14,480 Speaker 1: will have you reacting in ways that are irrational and 599 00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:18,040 Speaker 1: actually counter to your true intentions, which is to foster 600 00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:20,440 Speaker 1: deep love with those around you to feel like you belong. 601 00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:24,960 Speaker 1: Perceived rejection can really sting, But just because your relationship 602 00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:28,480 Speaker 1: has changed doesn't mean that it needs to be completely discarded. 603 00:37:29,239 --> 00:37:32,279 Speaker 1: I think about my friendships at least a lot of 604 00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:36,279 Speaker 1: the time in terms of levels. You have your top 605 00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:40,080 Speaker 1: rung kind of your ride or die friendships, then those 606 00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:43,640 Speaker 1: friends that you maybe wished you saw more or you're 607 00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:47,040 Speaker 1: slightly less close to it the moment you've got your 608 00:37:47,080 --> 00:37:51,439 Speaker 1: work friends, You've got your acquaintances who you would very 609 00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:53,759 Speaker 1: kindly have a chat with in the street and know 610 00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:56,200 Speaker 1: a little bit about their life but you're not super 611 00:37:56,239 --> 00:38:02,000 Speaker 1: close to. And then you have strangers. Maybe this person, 612 00:38:02,239 --> 00:38:04,600 Speaker 1: this person that you were thinking about right now, this 613 00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:09,440 Speaker 1: friend is just sitting at a rung lower than normal. 614 00:38:10,480 --> 00:38:13,200 Speaker 1: Does that mean that they need to be completely relegated 615 00:38:13,239 --> 00:38:17,600 Speaker 1: to the strangers category? Probably not. They're just at a 616 00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:21,080 Speaker 1: different point in their relationship to you. But you should 617 00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:24,480 Speaker 1: keep the door open for them to come back in, 618 00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:29,480 Speaker 1: for them to promote themselves back up to top wrong. Obviously, 619 00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:31,880 Speaker 1: this does not apply to friends who have totally crossed 620 00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:34,759 Speaker 1: boundaries with you or who have treated you terribly, but 621 00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:38,720 Speaker 1: just those who have maybe just have different priorities right now, 622 00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:41,360 Speaker 1: give them the grace that you would want in that situation. 623 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:44,759 Speaker 1: So I actually have a story about this. I have 624 00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:49,120 Speaker 1: a very very close friend of mine, possibly my longest friend, 625 00:38:49,239 --> 00:38:54,040 Speaker 1: and we were incredibly close for the first three or 626 00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:57,279 Speaker 1: four years that we after we'd met, like we did 627 00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:01,360 Speaker 1: everything together, we knew everything about each other life. And 628 00:39:01,400 --> 00:39:05,600 Speaker 1: then we went through this period almost randomly without any 629 00:39:05,680 --> 00:39:10,840 Speaker 1: context of just like complete disconnect. We saw each other rarely. 630 00:39:10,920 --> 00:39:13,880 Speaker 1: I really did feel, like for certain that the friendship 631 00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:17,200 Speaker 1: was over, and it was really upsetting. It weighed really 632 00:39:17,239 --> 00:39:19,600 Speaker 1: heavily on my mind. But I didn't want to close 633 00:39:19,640 --> 00:39:22,080 Speaker 1: the door, and I know that she didn't want to either, 634 00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:26,439 Speaker 1: and lo and behold. Two years on, I think even 635 00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:28,759 Speaker 1: a little bit longer than that, now, like three or 636 00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:31,720 Speaker 1: four years on, we are back to that same level 637 00:39:31,719 --> 00:39:34,880 Speaker 1: of closeness, maybe even closer. She is one of the 638 00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:37,400 Speaker 1: best people in my life. And I think it's because 639 00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:41,360 Speaker 1: we gave each other permission, maybe even subconsciously, to follow 640 00:39:41,480 --> 00:39:44,960 Speaker 1: our own paths that our friendship has allowed to you know, 641 00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:47,920 Speaker 1: is allowed to be this strong because we've seen it 642 00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:51,400 Speaker 1: through moments of tension and moments of change, and we 643 00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:54,799 Speaker 1: knew that either we would come back to each other 644 00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:57,880 Speaker 1: or we wouldn't, and we would still be incredibly happy 645 00:39:57,880 --> 00:40:02,440 Speaker 1: for the other person. Change does not mean death, It 646 00:40:02,480 --> 00:40:07,000 Speaker 1: does not mean the end. The best kinds of friendships 647 00:40:07,200 --> 00:40:12,840 Speaker 1: change and evolve despite factors like time and proximity. Don't panic. 648 00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:18,719 Speaker 1: I promise the fear you have is temporary, and alongside that, 649 00:40:18,719 --> 00:40:22,960 Speaker 1: that fear may also motivate you to make new friends, 650 00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:27,439 Speaker 1: to go out there, and I don't know, actually put 651 00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:30,200 Speaker 1: yourself in a position that you haven't had to before. 652 00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:33,480 Speaker 1: Put yourself in a position where friendship isn't as convenient 653 00:40:33,480 --> 00:40:36,360 Speaker 1: and at once as it once was, but now you have, 654 00:40:36,760 --> 00:40:40,399 Speaker 1: you know, the opportunity to choose right. Someone once said 655 00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:43,400 Speaker 1: to me. I was asking this person. He was like, 656 00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:45,920 Speaker 1: I don't really have many friends, and I was like, why, 657 00:40:46,120 --> 00:40:48,759 Speaker 1: you know, aren't you lonely? Why don't Why wouldn't you 658 00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:51,640 Speaker 1: want a million friends? And he was like, well, the 659 00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:54,040 Speaker 1: people around you are who you become. And so I 660 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:56,400 Speaker 1: think that it's actually worthwhile to be a little bit 661 00:40:56,400 --> 00:40:58,920 Speaker 1: picky when it comes to that. And maybe if you 662 00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:01,319 Speaker 1: are at a place where you are quite isolated, and 663 00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:03,560 Speaker 1: you are, you know, quite lonely. You have seen a 664 00:41:03,600 --> 00:41:06,640 Speaker 1: lot of friendships change. Instead of viewing it as this 665 00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:10,800 Speaker 1: like negative, like life ending thing of like I'm never 666 00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:15,279 Speaker 1: going to have what I once had, I'm never going 667 00:41:15,320 --> 00:41:20,160 Speaker 1: to feel connected or like I belong again, view it 668 00:41:20,200 --> 00:41:22,759 Speaker 1: as a new beginning. Be like wow, I get to 669 00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:25,839 Speaker 1: like I get to create the life that I want here. 670 00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:28,480 Speaker 1: I get to make the friendships that I would like 671 00:41:28,560 --> 00:41:31,720 Speaker 1: to make. I get to be surprised by the people 672 00:41:31,719 --> 00:41:33,319 Speaker 1: who are one day just going to walk in the 673 00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:37,279 Speaker 1: door and completely change who I am. I think loneliness 674 00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:41,480 Speaker 1: is just an emotion. It is just a message from 675 00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:44,680 Speaker 1: our mind telling us what we need. The same way 676 00:41:44,680 --> 00:41:47,240 Speaker 1: that hunger tells us. You know that our body needs 677 00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:51,640 Speaker 1: fuel or first tells us that we need hydration. Loneliness 678 00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:54,439 Speaker 1: and feeling disconnected to people tells you that it's time 679 00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:57,680 Speaker 1: to reach out. And I guess that's my final tip here. 680 00:41:58,280 --> 00:42:01,120 Speaker 1: Be honest with your friends. You would like to see 681 00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:03,440 Speaker 1: them more or you would like to chat more often. 682 00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:05,600 Speaker 1: I did this the other day with my friend's Steph 683 00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:08,720 Speaker 1: whereab I was like, I'm on the friendship roller coaster 684 00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:10,719 Speaker 1: right now and I'm at a dip. Can we make 685 00:42:10,760 --> 00:42:13,719 Speaker 1: time to see each other? And of course she said yes. 686 00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:20,400 Speaker 1: That openness, that vulnerability is vital here because often others 687 00:42:20,520 --> 00:42:23,640 Speaker 1: in our life don't really know what we're going through. 688 00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:26,400 Speaker 1: They don't know how we're feeling. They may not have 689 00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:29,799 Speaker 1: noticed what we have noticed that we have drifted. So 690 00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:33,240 Speaker 1: you can choose to say nothing, or you can choose 691 00:42:33,239 --> 00:42:36,040 Speaker 1: to be honest with with how you feel in that moment. 692 00:42:36,640 --> 00:42:39,080 Speaker 1: And ninety percent of the time, the people who truly 693 00:42:39,120 --> 00:42:41,960 Speaker 1: love you want you to be happy, and they will 694 00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:44,600 Speaker 1: respond positively to that, and they will make time for you. 695 00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:48,719 Speaker 1: It is just a matter of reaching out. And you 696 00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:51,840 Speaker 1: know what, in case I haven't said it enough times, 697 00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:56,360 Speaker 1: this is not just you. I know it's hard. Change 698 00:42:56,400 --> 00:43:01,759 Speaker 1: is hard. Human beings naturally fear change, isolation is hard. 699 00:43:02,200 --> 00:43:05,279 Speaker 1: But do not blame yourself or start to internalize what 700 00:43:05,360 --> 00:43:09,239 Speaker 1: are actually really common transitions here as a sign that 701 00:43:09,280 --> 00:43:11,600 Speaker 1: there is something wrong with you, or that you are 702 00:43:11,680 --> 00:43:16,239 Speaker 1: undeserving of good, long lasting friendships. You absolutely are, you 703 00:43:16,360 --> 00:43:18,560 Speaker 1: just may not have found them yet. I always think 704 00:43:18,600 --> 00:43:20,520 Speaker 1: of this quote and it brings me so much peace 705 00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:24,120 Speaker 1: and kind of these moments of catastrophizing you haven't yet 706 00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:26,200 Speaker 1: met all the people who you will love in this life, 707 00:43:26,239 --> 00:43:29,160 Speaker 1: and I think that is so beautiful. How magical is 708 00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:31,799 Speaker 1: it to imagine all of the people who are now 709 00:43:31,880 --> 00:43:35,840 Speaker 1: strangers one day being individuals in your life who you 710 00:43:35,840 --> 00:43:38,920 Speaker 1: won't be able to live without. These people who you 711 00:43:38,960 --> 00:43:41,240 Speaker 1: will one day meet, who will tell you the story 712 00:43:41,239 --> 00:43:45,160 Speaker 1: of the life they are now living. We are so young. 713 00:43:45,480 --> 00:43:50,000 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's so impossible to really appreciate how young we are. 714 00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:52,799 Speaker 1: It is not the end of the road. There is 715 00:43:52,840 --> 00:43:56,160 Speaker 1: so much more love to experience. And like we said, 716 00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:58,279 Speaker 1: there has been so many studies that have shown that 717 00:43:58,480 --> 00:44:01,960 Speaker 1: not only is this incredibly but a lot of us replace, 718 00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:04,640 Speaker 1: you know, fifty percent of our friends, eighty percent of 719 00:44:04,640 --> 00:44:07,880 Speaker 1: our friends every seven years. You are just in a 720 00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:12,160 Speaker 1: transition period right now, along with many many others, one 721 00:44:12,160 --> 00:44:15,240 Speaker 1: that you will come out of and you'll be able 722 00:44:15,280 --> 00:44:18,440 Speaker 1: to look back at and say I needed that to happen. 723 00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:24,040 Speaker 1: I needed to see these friendships fade away. I needed 724 00:44:24,080 --> 00:44:26,520 Speaker 1: to be alone for a while in order to really 725 00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:30,480 Speaker 1: appreciate how beautiful these new people in my life are. 726 00:44:30,800 --> 00:44:34,839 Speaker 1: So I really hope that this episode has helped normalize 727 00:44:34,840 --> 00:44:39,160 Speaker 1: this experience. There. I totally understand the fear. Please. I 728 00:44:40,000 --> 00:44:43,560 Speaker 1: feel like I live this fear every day, so it 729 00:44:43,680 --> 00:44:46,200 Speaker 1: was actually quite comforting to discuss this and to kind 730 00:44:46,200 --> 00:44:49,680 Speaker 1: of explore I think some of the reasons behind why 731 00:44:49,719 --> 00:44:52,000 Speaker 1: we see that happen. I really do hope that you 732 00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:55,719 Speaker 1: enjoyed this episode. I hope it brought you comfort. As always, 733 00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:58,239 Speaker 1: if you feel like there is someone in your life 734 00:44:58,280 --> 00:45:03,480 Speaker 1: who feels this who needs to hear this episode, please 735 00:45:03,600 --> 00:45:06,840 Speaker 1: feel free to sell them a link to share it along, 736 00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:09,600 Speaker 1: to share the love along, leave a five star review 737 00:45:09,640 --> 00:45:12,040 Speaker 1: if you feel coold to do so, and make sure 738 00:45:12,040 --> 00:45:14,839 Speaker 1: your following so that you know when new episodes come out. 739 00:45:15,640 --> 00:45:20,120 Speaker 1: If you have an episode suggestion as well, please follow 740 00:45:20,239 --> 00:45:24,960 Speaker 1: us at that Psychology podcast on Instagram. I love hearing 741 00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:27,800 Speaker 1: from you guys. I love hearing about what your twenties 742 00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:30,960 Speaker 1: has been like. You guys always have the most amazing 743 00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:35,360 Speaker 1: suggestions for topics I have never considered before, So follow 744 00:45:35,440 --> 00:45:37,439 Speaker 1: us over there, and as always, we will be back 745 00:45:37,560 --> 00:45:44,640 Speaker 1: next week with another episode.