Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: YEA, no, nice to say it. Tonight, my name is
Speaker 2: John Stewart. We have an unbelievable show for you tonight.
Speaker 2: Next week obviously we're gonna have the big debate show,
Speaker 2: but tonight we're gonna start. We're gonna get a quick
Speaker 2: state of play on this incredibly consequential presidential election. I
Speaker 2: guess the election is basically boiled down to each candidate
Speaker 2: accusing the.
Speaker 1: Other of having soup.
Speaker 2: Where there should be brain. There is plenty of fodder
Speaker 2: for the attacks. For instance, for President Biden, it is
Speaker 2: his habit of seemingly staring at what can only be
Speaker 2: considered ghosts or out of frame paratroopers, and then when
Speaker 2: he's pulled back into frame somehow, giving the impression someone
Speaker 2: has just quantum leaped into his body.
Speaker 1: How is that now?
Speaker 2: Don't look directly at the sun, sir, that would now?
Speaker 2: And as for Trump, basically it's Trump tripping over his
Speaker 2: own dick anytime he tries to capitalize on Biden's age.
Speaker 2: Like this weekend, Trump appeared at the Herbal Life of
Speaker 2: Political Conventions Turning Point, USA, where Trump articulated his case
Speaker 2: for having best brain full neurons smart.
Speaker 1: Joe Biden has no plan.
Speaker 2: He's got absolutely no plan.
Speaker 3: He doesn't even know what the word inflation means.
Speaker 2: Oh, oh, you did it, no, oh, Joe Biden. So
Speaker 2: he thinks inflation has arived in the overall price level
Speaker 2: for goods and services in the economy, as measured by
Speaker 2: the Consumer Price Index over time.
Speaker 1: Oh shit, Oh that.
Speaker 4: All that.
Speaker 1: It turns out that is what it is. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: I'm being told that is what inflation is. But still
Speaker 1: you tell him, Donna t.
Speaker 2: The case he's making to the American public is that
Speaker 2: he's the sharpest tool in the shed. See if you
Speaker 2: can find the flaw in his logic just one sentence later.
Speaker 1: I don't think if you gave him a quiz.
Speaker 3: I think he should take a cognitive test like I did.
Speaker 4: I took a cognitive test and I aced it.
Speaker 5: Doc Ronnie, Doc Ronnie Johnson.
Speaker 3: Does everyone know Ronnie Johnson, Congressman from Texas Ronnie Johnson?
Speaker 1: An'thing?
Speaker 2: That cognitive test is a great point if only his
Speaker 2: doctor was actually named Ronnie Johnson and not actually named
Speaker 2: Ronnie Jackson. He got the guy's name wrong on his
Speaker 2: cognitive test.
Speaker 1: I don't even know what to say.
Speaker 2: Well, here's the problem. The sad thing is under MAGA law.
Speaker 2: His name is now Ronnie Johnson. This is the way.
Speaker 2: Those aren't the only comments. Trump seems to have spit
Speaker 2: the bid on. Just weeks before he heads to the
Speaker 2: Republican National Convention in Milwaukee, he called Milwaukee quote a
Speaker 2: horrible city, forcing liberals around the country to defend Milwaukee,
Speaker 2: a city they then had to pretend to have. Oh,
Speaker 2: Milwaukee's the finest city in I want to say Indiana.
Speaker 2: But don't worry because Donald Trump cleared the whole thing up.
Speaker 3: Well, I think it was very clear what I meant.
Speaker 3: I said, We're very concerned with crime. I love Milwaukee.
Speaker 3: I have great friends in Milwaukee. But it's as you know,
Speaker 3: the crime numbers are terrible and we have to be
Speaker 3: very careful.
Speaker 2: Yeah, lots of criminals in Milwaukee.
Speaker 1: Are you talking about now, sir?
Speaker 2: Or when you and your felonious friends come to town.
Speaker 2: The script that just as John turned and makes dumb face, that's.
Speaker 1: What I did, made a dumb anyway.
Speaker 2: It's a good save by former President Trump. The city's great,
Speaker 2: he loves Milwaukee. It's the dang Democrat encouraged crime. It's
Speaker 2: one of the right's favorite talking points, not just from Milwaukee,
Speaker 2: but for all democratic run cities, that those cities are
Speaker 2: crime infested shitholes where life is miserable and everyone hates everybody.
Speaker 2: But people who live in these cities know that this
Speaker 2: rhetoric is only kind of true now, and when people
Speaker 2: who don't live in these cities say it, it's very annoying.
Speaker 2: By the way, it does turn out the crime is
Speaker 2: actually down.
Speaker 6: The FBI reporting the nation's violent crime rate has dropped
Speaker 6: dramatically this year.
Speaker 7: Overall violent crime down fifteen percent from last year, murders down.
Speaker 1: Twenty six percent.
Speaker 2: By every national metric, crime is down.
Speaker 1: Solid trend. Crime is down. It's all a misunderstanding.
Speaker 2: But now that the FBI numbers are out, I'm sure
Speaker 2: that the right wing media will adjust accordingly.
Speaker 6: Quality of life is not captured in any of the
Speaker 6: FBI numbers. And if you live in a blue city,
Speaker 6: walk outside and use your eyes.
Speaker 2: You should use your freaking eyes. Do you even see
Speaker 2: over your shoulder? They were doing double donuts in a
Speaker 2: bargain lot. That's like the certain desilet of automobiles.
Speaker 1: That's not crime, that's art.
Speaker 2: Oh, but I'm sorry you were downplaying the crime statistics.
Speaker 8: Now they say there's no crime wave, but do you
Speaker 8: feel safe?
Speaker 1: Doesn't feel that way.
Speaker 6: It certainly doesn't feel that way for the average American today.
Speaker 1: Democrats will say, well, but crime is down, it's not
Speaker 1: how people feel.
Speaker 2: Yeah, as the right always famously says, feelings don't care
Speaker 2: about your facts. Isn't that the slogan on the right now,
Speaker 2: you know, I'd say it doesn't bring up a good point.
Speaker 3: Though.
Speaker 2: If crime is down so much, why do people, especially
Speaker 2: on the right, feel like it's up.
Speaker 1: Oh, the crime graphic is.
Speaker 2: I hadn't really calculated slope in a while, but it
Speaker 2: seems like the X axis is moving into the nodes
Speaker 2: bleeds while the why axis is being tied down and sodomized.
Speaker 1: I'm sure that sure, that's just.
Speaker 2: A one off and not your network's entire programming.
Speaker 9: Another day, another stream of brazen, violent crimes.
Speaker 7: The havoc being wreaked upon America, undoubtedly coming to a town.
Speaker 1: Or city near you.
Speaker 8: Blatant and outrageous crimes occurring on a daily basis, coast
Speaker 8: to coast.
Speaker 6: You're seeing that in Chicago, and you know, all these
Speaker 6: Democrat run cities.
Speaker 8: There's so much crime in the city. I can't I
Speaker 8: can't comprehend how people live there. New York is now
Speaker 8: this dystopian hellhole of crime and violence.
Speaker 2: Is now a dystopian hell. You're just figuring that out now,
Speaker 2: you big puss.
Speaker 1: Oh, I'm sorry. Is Times Square Elmo too scarey for you?
Speaker 2: Because Times Square Elmo becomes at you?
Speaker 1: Are you?
Speaker 2: Are you scared of Times Square Elmo because he punches back,
Speaker 2: unlike all the other Elmos who let you tickle them
Speaker 2: with no consequences. Yeah, New York's a dystopian hellhole. That
Speaker 2: and the bagels and pizza is why we move here.
Speaker 1: But of course.
Speaker 2: Course there is one particular type of crime the conservatives
Speaker 2: seem especially scared about.
Speaker 1: Mark, Why do I keep seeing people pushing.
Speaker 10: Other people onto the train tracks?
Speaker 2: Not that that's not a cry, that's okay, I get that.
Speaker 2: So the pushing onto the train tracks, that's just a misunderstanding.
Speaker 1: Here's what's happening.
Speaker 2: So we do have people in the subways who are
Speaker 2: there to try to help other passengers onto the train,
Speaker 2: but sometimes the train isn't there yet.
Speaker 1: It's it's not.
Speaker 2: Malevolent, it's just early, but I was actually talking about
Speaker 2: another type of crime.
Speaker 1: People are getting shot in the face every single day.
Speaker 2: Literally gets shot anywhere in the city.
Speaker 1: People getting shot in the subway.
Speaker 7: People are getting shot out on the street.
Speaker 1: Going for a loaf of bread, you end up getting shot. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you get shot.
Speaker 2: New Yorkers haven't had a sandwich in twelve years.
Speaker 1: It's an egg. Palm, loosen the hands.
Speaker 2: First of all, I'm surprised Trump has scared of guns
Speaker 2: at all, considering he thinks they sound like this.
Speaker 1: We had our beautiful marine standing there bing bing bing bing,
Speaker 1: you know, the old days, bing bong.
Speaker 5: Bing bom bombo.
Speaker 2: I would I would pay good money to hear Trump
Speaker 2: describe the opening scene of saving Private Ryan, big big
Speaker 2: bing and then the.
Speaker 1: Nazis of bang Bong bong bong.
Speaker 2: Nobody can get bread bang bang bong bing bing. But
Speaker 2: the point is, if you leave your house in New York,
Speaker 2: you will be shot dead. To all of our audience members,
Speaker 2: I'm glad you chose to have your last moments with us. Sadly,
Speaker 2: I must bid you a melancholy a big bomb.
Speaker 1: Big bing b.
Speaker 2: Now, all of this, by the way, is not to
Speaker 2: say that gun crime does not exist. Of course it does,
Speaker 2: and some cities are worse than others.
Speaker 1: But here's the thing, and I say this.
Speaker 2: With all due respect the balls of these right wing
Speaker 2: mothers talking about how there's too much gun crime and
Speaker 2: chaos in our democratic cities when Republicans are the ones
Speaker 2: who've enabled the flood of illegal weaponry into our cities
Speaker 2: in the first place. That's right. So don't get your
Speaker 2: little painties in a bunch. There's something you want to know.
Speaker 2: Ninety three percent of the illegal guns used in crimes
Speaker 2: in New York City aren't from here. They, like theater majors,
Speaker 2: have come here to make a name for themselves. The
Speaker 2: guns come from states like Florida and Georgia and South
Speaker 2: Carolina where the gun laws relax. And trust me, Florida's
Speaker 2: not sending us their best guns. They're bringing guns for
Speaker 2: drugs and crime and rapists and some I assume a.
Speaker 1: Good guns.
Speaker 2: And try as we might to put up some border
Speaker 2: controls to stem this invasion, this flood of literally undocumented weapons.
Speaker 2: Republicans fight every attempt to bring some kind of order
Speaker 2: and even pass laws to increase the chast.
Speaker 1: Look at all the laws and things that they've done.
Speaker 1: In two thousand and five, they passed the law.
Speaker 2: That effectively protects gun dealers and the gun manufacturers for
Speaker 2: being held liable for where their guns end up. They
Speaker 2: also try and make sure that terrorists and felons can
Speaker 2: still get guns, and just recently they made sure that
Speaker 2: they can turn those guns into machine guns with bump stocks.
Speaker 1: They make it.
Speaker 2: Impossible to study the effects of guns, They make it
Speaker 2: impossible to track the illegal guns. They fight fucking everything.
Speaker 2: You want to know how cynical it is. Remember this guy,
Speaker 2: This guy, Congressman Andrew Clyde from Georgia. He loves to
Speaker 2: go on TV and talk about crime and democratic cities.
Speaker 6: Republicans have always been the party of law and order.
Speaker 6: And what you have seen is the massive increases in
Speaker 6: crime have been primarily at Democrat run cities.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it turns out while he was complaining about the
Speaker 2: uptick in gun crimes in New York City, he himself
Speaker 2: was fighting added scrutiny on gun stores, the two that
Speaker 2: he owns that have been implicated in over twenty five
Speaker 2: gun crimes since twenty twenty. Why would they do this?
Speaker 2: There must be a reason, right, because the right always
Speaker 2: tells us. There's no coincidences, right, isn't that what we're
Speaker 2: told all the time. It's almost as though Republicans must
Speaker 2: have a secret plan for this, funded by their billionaires,
Speaker 2: to flood our cities with illegal, undocumented guns, pouring them
Speaker 2: over our state borders in the hopes of killing off
Speaker 2: reliable Democratic voters, the great displacement theory. That is obviously
Speaker 2: what's happening, and no honest person would think otherwise.
Speaker 1: So there's only one real solution.
Speaker 2: Unfortunately, for the borders of Florida, Georgia, and South Carolina.
Speaker 1: We have to what's the.
Speaker 5: Word that's kippings off with some big sports news. Last night,
Speaker 5: the Boston Celtics won the NBA Championship. That's where.
Speaker 1: All right.
Speaker 8: Now they have a.
Speaker 5: Record number of championships eighteen, which is one more than
Speaker 5: the Lakers and somehow twenty five more than the Clippers.
Speaker 5: And now they're ready to celebrate with the city of Boston.
Speaker 5: But first they're going somewhere fun.
Speaker 8: According to the Boston Globe, before the Celtics return to Boston,
Speaker 8: they will first spend a few days celebrating their win Miami.
Speaker 6: They plan to return to Boston on Friday.
Speaker 5: Of course, the Celtics are going to celebrate Miami. I mean,
Speaker 5: you gotta go to where the butts are, and Boston
Speaker 5: doesn't have any good butts, even though they have a
Speaker 5: ton of assholes. I mean, how do people in Boston
Speaker 5: celebrate anything? Come on, let's party with Clan Chatta, Matt
Speaker 5: wobber House, Ronnie.
Speaker 9: You know it would be so funny as if you
Speaker 9: did that joke of the Boston accent. But let's move
Speaker 9: on to the election. We've been talking a lot about
Speaker 9: President Biden and Donald Trump, but the president isn't the
Speaker 9: only elected official who can ruin your life. There are
Speaker 9: hundreds of people all over the country who are coming
Speaker 9: for you.
Speaker 5: So let's take a look at some of these promising
Speaker 5: young stars and the special edition of Indecision twenty twenty
Speaker 5: four going down on the ballot. Let's kick things off
Speaker 5: in Minnesota, where Republicans have endorsed Royce White to run
Speaker 5: against Democratic scienceor Amy Klobachaid in November, and he's already
Speaker 5: turning the race into an episode of Jerry Springer.
Speaker 7: White has been mired in controversial revelations, including failure to
Speaker 7: pay child supported referring to women as Mauthy and at
Speaker 7: one time identifying himself as an anti Semite on social media.
Speaker 7: And then there are the Quscherable campaign expenditures in twenty
Speaker 7: twenty two when he ran for Congress, including twelve hundred
Speaker 7: dollars at a Florida strip club.
Speaker 5: I'm not paying child support to Malthie women because I'm
Speaker 5: spending it.
Speaker 7: At a strip club.
Speaker 5: I mean, talk about red flag. Bingo even calls himself
Speaker 5: an anti semi on social media, although to be fed
Speaker 5: to him declaring you an anti semi is how you
Speaker 5: have to log into Twitter now that said new capture.
Speaker 5: By the way, By the way, if you're wondering about
Speaker 5: the accusation that Roy spent campaign funds at a strip club, listen,
Speaker 5: he has a very clear explanation for this.
Speaker 11: It was recently revealed you spent campaign donations at a
Speaker 11: strip club. Is that true?
Speaker 1: That's not true, Okay.
Speaker 4: It was a reference to a campaign filing in the
Speaker 4: FBC that was not done properly.
Speaker 11: Your claim is there were filings which said you spent
Speaker 11: campaign funds at a strip club, but they were in no.
Speaker 4: No, they didn't say that I spent the funds at
Speaker 4: a strip club or no, Let's say they didn't say
Speaker 4: that I spent the funds.
Speaker 1: On strippers, but it was spent at a strip club.
Speaker 4: Well, strip club, as they sell food at the strip club,
Speaker 4: don't say.
Speaker 2: So.
Speaker 5: I'm not sure if this helps his case. Minnesota needs
Speaker 5: a senator who makes good decisions, So vote for me,
Speaker 5: the guy who goes to a strip club that eat
Speaker 5: shrimp And look, I'm sorry for interrupting him. Okay, I mean,
Speaker 5: I mean you are busy explaining how you don't know
Speaker 5: anything about strip clubs.
Speaker 11: You've spent the money on food at a strip club.
Speaker 11: Is that more accurate?
Speaker 4: You seem to be very unfamiliar with strippers and strip
Speaker 4: clubs and drag strip shows, so i'll i'll inform you.
Speaker 4: Maybe they aren't informed that they do have food at
Speaker 4: strip clubs.
Speaker 11: So what you're saying is the money was.
Speaker 1: Wait did you know that though? Did you know that
Speaker 1: I know strip clubs?
Speaker 5: Have you ever been to a strip club one time?
Speaker 1: Did you like the food? No? To go to better
Speaker 1: strip clads?
Speaker 5: Okay, Wow, this guy went really quick from not knowing
Speaker 5: anything about strip clubs to being a strip club experts. Right,
Speaker 5: I don't know about that place, but go to the
Speaker 5: second floor, ask for curas. Okay, she take you to
Speaker 5: the champagne room and behind that is the real VIP
Speaker 5: room code two six six four. Tell them you want
Speaker 5: the Royce White Special. To know what you need.
Speaker 2: So, I.
Speaker 5: Don't understand why this guy's trying really hot not to
Speaker 5: violate campaign finance love, but also wants to be very
Speaker 5: clear that he knows his way around strip clubs.
Speaker 9: Right, which is fine, no judgment. Just say you use
Speaker 9: the wrong credit card. It wouldn't be the worst accidental
Speaker 9: insertion in a strip club. This guy's got way more
Speaker 9: problems than that.
Speaker 4: Look.
Speaker 9: And I don't want to sound maudy, but.
Speaker 6: Enough is enough.
Speaker 9: Someone needs to call this guy out for his offensive
Speaker 9: wine hat. Unacceptable. That is for white women only. My
Speaker 9: culture is not your costume, asshole. Let's move on to
Speaker 9: her race in Missouri, where a candidate for local office
Speaker 9: is getting the word out for the best way that
Speaker 9: young people know how by shit posting.
Speaker 3: Valentina Gamez, a Missouri Republican running for Secretary of State,
Speaker 3: has triggered liberals with her campaign paining videos like this one.
Speaker 4: It could be.
Speaker 10: Anything you want, so we would be Britney Griner should
Speaker 10: be running in a Russian prison, not going to the Olympics.
Speaker 10: Kaitlin Clark is the only reason why we even watched
Speaker 10: women's basketball. She deserves to go to the Olympics only
Speaker 10: this patriotical lesbian.
Speaker 9: I love that she's super into women's basketball, but she's
Speaker 9: angry that there's a lesbian.
Speaker 1: And a w NBA.
Speaker 9: Is someone gonna tell her she's not just planning to
Speaker 9: get gays out of women's sports, she's also deeply committed
Speaker 9: to getting them out of your library books.
Speaker 10: This is what I will do to the growing books
Speaker 10: when I become Secretary of States.
Speaker 4: Let's go.
Speaker 7: Reposed library.
Speaker 6: When I'm not, they will burn.
Speaker 9: Jesus a flamethrower.
Speaker 1: Take it easy.
Speaker 9: This is a book burning, not a gender reveal party.
Speaker 9: And what's wrong with the match was she worried that
Speaker 9: if she got too close the books would turn her gay.
Speaker 9: Just to remind you, she's running for Missouri Secretary of State.
Speaker 9: Typically not a job where you choose who goes to
Speaker 9: the Olympics or set fire to anything.
Speaker 5: But enough of these mean human click bait candidates. Okay,
Speaker 5: whatever happened to people with substantive, common sense legislative ideas
Speaker 5: like congressional candidate from Florida, James Judge.
Speaker 2: Now but forth legislation on President Trump's first day in
Speaker 2: office to suspend the rate of hadios corpus. This will
Speaker 2: give President Trump the authority to arrest and imprison the
Speaker 2: treason its officials and sub versus.
Speaker 7: Wow.
Speaker 5: Pretty casual call for the end of democracy there. I mean,
Speaker 5: you can't demand a suspension of due process in the
Speaker 5: same tone of voice you used to announce that someone's
Speaker 5: toyota has the lights on in.
Speaker 2: The popular.
Speaker 5: I mean this, honestly, it kind of makes you appreciate
Speaker 5: Trump even more because at least he's got some showmanship.
Speaker 5: I mean, he's out there shouting on a big stage.
Speaker 5: He's waving his hands around like an alpha chim Benzi
Speaker 5: to get you rouled up. You know, this guy looked
Speaker 5: like he interrupted a wedding reception. Someone's going to come
Speaker 5: up after him, Like, Okay, thanks for that, James. If
Speaker 5: we could keep the speeches about Brad and Mary, that
Speaker 5: would be great.
Speaker 8: For more on these.
Speaker 9: Down ballot races and what they say about the state
Speaker 9: of American democracy. We go live to Josh Johnson, why
Speaker 9: are there so many out there candidates in this election cycle.
Speaker 8: Oh, I'll tell you why we made our democracy to democratic.
Speaker 8: All right, anyone thinks they can run for office just
Speaker 8: because the constitution says.
Speaker 5: So, Josh, But the constitution does say so.
Speaker 4: Come on, The.
Speaker 8: Founding father said that, but they didn't mean it. You know.
Speaker 8: They were talking about guys named George or Tom, not everybody,
Speaker 8: not like either of you, you know, and definitely not me.
Speaker 1: Ooh, they'd be mad.
Speaker 5: Wait, Josh, so you think we should prevent people from
Speaker 5: running for office.
Speaker 9: Yeah, it sounds like you're saying that we need less democracy.
Speaker 1: No, I'm not saying that.
Speaker 8: I'm saying we should bring back all the old offices
Speaker 8: that America used to have for these people.
Speaker 1: Like village idiot.
Speaker 8: If you fight a book with a flamethrower, you were
Speaker 8: qualified for that office. Books are an idiot's natural enemy,
Speaker 8: and idiots love fire, all right. There's plenty of old
Speaker 8: jobs like lighthouse keeper or snake oil salesman, or the
Speaker 8: guy who screams hear ye, hear ye, or the dude
Speaker 8: at a saloon who spits in a bucket and makes
Speaker 8: that potui sound.
Speaker 5: Josh, I think that's only in westerns.
Speaker 9: Yeah, and there's no way that you can find an
Speaker 9: office for every one of these people.
Speaker 8: Watch me, Like, remember that strip club guy, Royce White.
Speaker 8: He could be the town adulterys. You know, the person
Speaker 8: who wears an A on their clothes. Everybody knew they
Speaker 8: liked to Royce White is super qualified. My man is
Speaker 8: clearly spending campaign funds at the strip club. He took
Speaker 8: the most boring money in the economy and used it
Speaker 8: for over the pants stuff.
Speaker 1: The point is we'll find jobs.
Speaker 8: For the crazy people, then the serious jobs can go
Speaker 8: to the serious politicians.
Speaker 9: And how are we defining who's crazy and who's serious.
Speaker 8: Oh that's easy. The crazy politicians will be ranting about
Speaker 8: space lasers, and the serious politicians will be on the
Speaker 8: Epstein list.
Speaker 5: Right, Okay makes sense to me. Just jupson everyone. Explore
Speaker 5: more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching
Speaker 5: The Daily Show wherever.
Speaker 2: You get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show week nights
Speaker 2: at eleven ten.
Speaker 10: Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on
Speaker 10: Paramount
Speaker 4: Plus Paramount Podcasts