WEBVTT - My Boss Uses an Offensive Slur 0:00:03.560 --> 0:00:06.600 My colleagues, We'll stop commenting on everything. My assistant rolls 0:00:06.720 --> 0:00:08.840 his eyes at people and meeting. Why does my coworker 0:00:08.920 --> 0:00:11.240 keep taking credit for all my ideas? Have any wisdom 0:00:11.280 --> 0:00:14.360 for me? Hi? I'm Alison Green. Welcome to the Aska 0:00:14.400 --> 0:00:18.040 Manager podcast, where I answer questions from listeners about life 0:00:18.120 --> 0:00:20.840 at work, everything from what to say if you're allergic 0:00:20.880 --> 0:00:23.119 to your coworkers perfume to what to do if you 0:00:23.200 --> 0:00:28.240 drink too much at the company party. Let's get started, Hi, 0:00:28.360 --> 0:00:30.680 and welcome to the show. Today, I'm going to answer 0:00:30.720 --> 0:00:33.800 a bunch of shorter questions from people. The first question 0:00:33.840 --> 0:00:36.560 today is from someone whose boss is using a pretty 0:00:36.560 --> 0:00:40.239 offensive term. Hi, Alison, I have a tricky situation that 0:00:40.280 --> 0:00:42.840 I'm not sure how to navigate. My boss keeps using 0:00:42.840 --> 0:00:45.919 the word retard as a derogatory term. She doesn't use 0:00:45.960 --> 0:00:47.880 it to describe people, but she does use it to 0:00:47.920 --> 0:00:51.040 describe things and ideas. We don't work in the same office, 0:00:51.200 --> 0:00:54.160 but we often travel to client side together. She did 0:00:54.200 --> 0:00:56.080 want to say it in front of my client, which 0:00:56.120 --> 0:00:59.440 is really awkward for everyone but her seemed. She's an 0:00:59.440 --> 0:01:02.040 otherwise great manager. But I'm not sure how to approach this. 0:01:02.360 --> 0:01:04.800 Some people think being offended by this word is just 0:01:04.840 --> 0:01:07.840 being too sensitive. How do I ask or tell her 0:01:07.959 --> 0:01:11.760 not to use this term tactfully without causing resentment or 0:01:11.800 --> 0:01:14.560 making things awkward? Or is this just something that I 0:01:14.560 --> 0:01:18.800 should ask her manager to handle? This is an interesting one. 0:01:18.880 --> 0:01:21.920 I do think there is some truth to the idea 0:01:22.200 --> 0:01:25.480 that the message about how offensive that word is has 0:01:25.560 --> 0:01:30.200 not reached absolutely everyone yet, at least until recently. I 0:01:30.200 --> 0:01:32.480 think we are in something of a transition phase with 0:01:32.560 --> 0:01:35.000 the word. There are people who grew up with it 0:01:35.080 --> 0:01:36.720 being an acceptable thing to say, and I think it's 0:01:36.720 --> 0:01:38.840 taken a while for the message to reach all of 0:01:38.880 --> 0:01:42.040 them that it's not, and that it is now widely 0:01:42.080 --> 0:01:44.920 considered a slur. I think we're at the tail end 0:01:44.959 --> 0:01:47.880 of that transition, though, But you do still run into 0:01:47.880 --> 0:01:52.480 this situation sometimes where otherwise decent people don't seem to 0:01:52.560 --> 0:01:55.480 understand that it's hurtful, or they think that the people 0:01:55.520 --> 0:01:58.160 who will find it hurtful are just a very small, 0:01:58.280 --> 0:02:02.400 overally sensitive minority, and they truly believe that it's still 0:02:02.680 --> 0:02:07.440 okay in the mainstream, even though it's not. Um it's odd. 0:02:07.640 --> 0:02:09.960 They seem to truly not realize that many people will 0:02:09.960 --> 0:02:12.600 be shocked by it and maybe hurt by it, especially 0:02:12.639 --> 0:02:15.359 if they have a developmentally disabled friend or loved one, 0:02:16.080 --> 0:02:18.799 and we'll think less of them. And then, of course 0:02:18.840 --> 0:02:20.640 you have the people who have heard the message know 0:02:20.760 --> 0:02:23.160 that it's considered a slur and just don't really care. 0:02:24.280 --> 0:02:26.160 I think the best approach with your boss is to 0:02:26.200 --> 0:02:29.040 approach her as if you're assuming that the message just 0:02:29.200 --> 0:02:31.840 hasn't reached her yet, and that you're sure she wouldn't 0:02:31.880 --> 0:02:34.680 want to inadvertently cas offense or hurt anyone around her, 0:02:35.440 --> 0:02:38.160 even if you suspect she has heard the message plenty. 0:02:38.200 --> 0:02:41.240 I think the conversation will be more effective if you 0:02:41.280 --> 0:02:44.160 approach it from more of a place of giving her 0:02:44.160 --> 0:02:45.840 the benefit of the doubt. Doesn't mean you have to 0:02:45.840 --> 0:02:47.320 give her the benefit of the doubt in your head. 0:02:47.520 --> 0:02:49.320 It just means that you want your tone to sound 0:02:49.360 --> 0:02:53.919 that way. So you could say something like, Jane, can 0:02:53.960 --> 0:02:56.400 I ask you to stop using the word retarded. It's 0:02:56.440 --> 0:02:59.040 actually a hurtful word to a lot of people, and 0:02:59.080 --> 0:03:01.800 I know you wouldn't want to has pain to anyone. 0:03:02.320 --> 0:03:04.320 If she pushes back on that, if she tells you 0:03:04.360 --> 0:03:06.960 that it's no big deal or that she doesn't mean 0:03:06.960 --> 0:03:09.560 anything by it. Then you could say, you know, I'm 0:03:09.560 --> 0:03:11.480 sure that you don't mean to be hurtful, but it 0:03:11.520 --> 0:03:14.400 really is widely considered a slur these days, and it 0:03:14.400 --> 0:03:16.080 can especially be hurtful if you can say it in 0:03:16.080 --> 0:03:18.760 front of someone who has a developmentally disabled family member, 0:03:18.760 --> 0:03:22.680 which a lot of people do. Now that assumes, of course, 0:03:22.720 --> 0:03:25.960 that you have a pretty decent relationship with her. Frankly, 0:03:25.960 --> 0:03:28.280 even if you don't, I still might say it anyway, 0:03:28.320 --> 0:03:31.280 because it is a reasonable thing to point out, especially 0:03:31.320 --> 0:03:34.160 now that she's saying in front of clients, but especially 0:03:34.160 --> 0:03:36.160 if you do have a pretty good relationship with her, 0:03:36.920 --> 0:03:38.680 and I'm betting that you do, since you said that 0:03:38.680 --> 0:03:41.760 she's a great boss. This shouldn't make things horribly awkward. 0:03:41.840 --> 0:03:43.800 I mean, she might feel a little bit embarrassed, but 0:03:43.880 --> 0:03:46.080 there's no way around that. We all feel embarrassed when 0:03:46.080 --> 0:03:48.320 we get corrected on this kind of thing, but we 0:03:48.400 --> 0:03:51.200 learned from it. As long as you keep your tone 0:03:51.320 --> 0:03:53.920 warm and you make a point of being warm with 0:03:53.960 --> 0:03:57.760 her afterwards, I think it should go okay. And actually, 0:03:57.800 --> 0:03:59.800 before we move on, I want to say something more 0:04:00.000 --> 0:04:01.800 about what I just said about making a point of 0:04:01.840 --> 0:04:04.960 being warm with her after the conversation because this is 0:04:05.000 --> 0:04:07.200 a good tactic for whenever you have to have a 0:04:07.200 --> 0:04:10.400 slightly awkward conversation with someone and you're worried about things 0:04:10.440 --> 0:04:14.800 being tense or feeling weird. As soon as possible after 0:04:15.000 --> 0:04:18.800 you have the potentially tense conversation, find an opening to 0:04:18.920 --> 0:04:22.839 have a more normal, better feeling conversation with them, because 0:04:23.200 --> 0:04:26.159 by being warm and being normal, you can help them 0:04:26.200 --> 0:04:28.400 return to feeling normal more quickly too. It sort of 0:04:28.440 --> 0:04:31.640 resets things between you. But if you let things go 0:04:31.720 --> 0:04:36.479 too long without talking after the awkward conversation, then things 0:04:36.560 --> 0:04:39.200 can really start to feel weird. So as soon as 0:04:39.240 --> 0:04:42.800 you can just reset things with a different interaction so 0:04:42.839 --> 0:04:45.320 that their most recent interaction with you is one that 0:04:45.360 --> 0:04:48.320 felt good or at least normal, rather than one that 0:04:48.400 --> 0:04:52.839 felt weird. Okay, let's do the next letter. Hi, Allison, 0:04:53.560 --> 0:04:56.600 I started a job search about a month ago and 0:04:56.640 --> 0:04:59.920 I'm still actively interviewing with about four companies that are 0:05:00.000 --> 0:05:03.880 all in the same industry. Most of the companies that 0:05:03.920 --> 0:05:07.239 I'm speaking with are progressing at a pretty normal pace, 0:05:07.440 --> 0:05:10.840 so I'm close to wrapping up my interviews, but I'm 0:05:10.880 --> 0:05:14.320 not quite there. However, one of them has moved really quick, 0:05:14.320 --> 0:05:16.520 and I think they're pretty close to giving me an offer. 0:05:17.480 --> 0:05:20.560 I'm insitant to accept and stop my job search because 0:05:20.600 --> 0:05:23.640 I'm more excited about a couple of the other companies 0:05:23.680 --> 0:05:26.480 that I'm interviewing with. But I don't want to accept 0:05:26.640 --> 0:05:30.599 now and decline later, especially since my industry is pretty small. 0:05:30.720 --> 0:05:33.840 I would definitely burn a bridge. I've asked the other 0:05:33.880 --> 0:05:36.200 companies to speed it up, but it might be a 0:05:36.200 --> 0:05:39.200 few weeks before another offer comes in. I know that 0:05:39.240 --> 0:05:41.200 we always say that a bird in the hand is 0:05:41.240 --> 0:05:42.960 worth two in the bush, but do you think that 0:05:43.000 --> 0:05:46.720 advice supplies here? Any help you can offer would be 0:05:46.800 --> 0:05:51.840 much appreciated. I get so many questions about versions of 0:05:51.880 --> 0:05:54.520 this because no one knows how to handle it, because 0:05:54.520 --> 0:05:58.400 there really isn't a perfect solution that will guarantee that 0:05:58.480 --> 0:06:01.320 the timing will work out. Some is the timing, it's 0:06:01.360 --> 0:06:04.000 just not in your favor. But there are some things 0:06:04.000 --> 0:06:05.960 that you can do, and it sounds like you have 0:06:06.080 --> 0:06:08.320 done the first thing that I would recommend, which is 0:06:08.400 --> 0:06:10.920 to contact the companies that you're interviewing with that you're 0:06:10.960 --> 0:06:15.840 more interested in and explain the situation. Ideally, when you 0:06:15.880 --> 0:06:18.520 do that, you say something like I'm really interested in 0:06:18.560 --> 0:06:20.960 working with you, but I'm likely to be receiving another 0:06:21.000 --> 0:06:24.160 offer very soon. I will probably need to give them 0:06:24.160 --> 0:06:26.839 an answer with you know, X amount of time within 0:06:26.880 --> 0:06:28.400 a week or whatever you think it's going to be. 0:06:29.480 --> 0:06:31.200 I don't know if there is a way for you 0:06:31.279 --> 0:06:33.440 to work within that timeline, but you would definitely be 0:06:33.520 --> 0:06:36.840 my first choice. And then if the company is very 0:06:36.839 --> 0:06:38.960 interested in you, in a lot of cases, they will 0:06:39.000 --> 0:06:42.280 expedite their timeline so that they don't lose you. Not 0:06:42.400 --> 0:06:45.560 every company will do that. Some have really rigid hiring 0:06:45.600 --> 0:06:49.040 practices or timelines that they won't deviate from, or maybe 0:06:49.040 --> 0:06:51.359 they would like to be flexible, but the scheduling on 0:06:51.400 --> 0:06:54.440 their side just won't line up. And of course, if 0:06:54.440 --> 0:06:56.000 they would be just as happy going with one of 0:06:56.000 --> 0:06:57.880 the other candidates who they have in the mix, they're 0:06:57.880 --> 0:07:00.320 probably not going to speed things up for you. But 0:07:00.600 --> 0:07:02.479 if you've gotten the sense that they like you and 0:07:02.480 --> 0:07:05.040 they consider you a really starting Canada, it's worth asking. 0:07:05.680 --> 0:07:08.400 It sounds like you've done that part, so that leaves 0:07:08.440 --> 0:07:10.720 you with trying to figure out if there's anything that 0:07:10.760 --> 0:07:13.520 you can do about the first company's timeline, the one 0:07:13.600 --> 0:07:15.280 that you think is about to make you the offer. 0:07:16.120 --> 0:07:18.960 Sometimes you can build in a bit of delay by 0:07:19.040 --> 0:07:21.680 asking time to look over the benefits package or having 0:07:21.760 --> 0:07:24.680 questions about the offer, and you can always ask for 0:07:24.720 --> 0:07:28.280 some time to think it over. But generally speaking, in 0:07:28.440 --> 0:07:31.239 most cases they're only likely to give you about a week. 0:07:31.440 --> 0:07:33.800 There's some industries that are exceptions to that. There are 0:07:33.840 --> 0:07:36.400 some industries where it's really normal for people to take weeks, 0:07:36.960 --> 0:07:39.800 but for most fields, probably they only want to give 0:07:39.800 --> 0:07:42.160 you up to about a week because they want to 0:07:42.160 --> 0:07:44.480 get their new higher in and also they have other 0:07:44.600 --> 0:07:47.000 candidates who are waiting to hear back from them, and 0:07:47.040 --> 0:07:48.880 if you're not going to take the job, they want 0:07:48.920 --> 0:07:51.880 to move on and offer it to someone else. Plus, 0:07:51.920 --> 0:07:53.560 if you ask for more than a week to think 0:07:53.600 --> 0:07:56.240 it over, in a lot of cases they start questioning 0:07:56.440 --> 0:08:00.320 if you're really interested. But that said, once you do 0:08:00.480 --> 0:08:02.960 have the official offer, you could go back to your 0:08:03.000 --> 0:08:05.280 top choice and update them. At that point, you could 0:08:05.320 --> 0:08:07.720 say something like, hey, I wanted to let you know 0:08:07.840 --> 0:08:10.040 that I did receive another offer. I need to give 0:08:10.040 --> 0:08:12.880 them a decision within a week. You're still my first choice, 0:08:13.040 --> 0:08:15.440 so if it's possible for us to work within that timeline, 0:08:15.440 --> 0:08:18.400 I'd be thrilled, although I understand that might not be possible. 0:08:19.680 --> 0:08:22.120 The type of response that you get back if you 0:08:22.200 --> 0:08:25.000 do that should give you some amount of insight into 0:08:25.040 --> 0:08:27.680 your chances with them. If they don't reply at all, 0:08:28.240 --> 0:08:30.760 or if you get a kind of formulaic sorry, I 0:08:30.800 --> 0:08:33.680 can't do it, that might be a sign, but they're 0:08:33.720 --> 0:08:36.240 not super invested in you as a candidate, and that's 0:08:36.280 --> 0:08:40.199 good to know. Ultimately, though, the crappy truth of it 0:08:40.400 --> 0:08:42.840 is that the timing might just not work out, and 0:08:43.000 --> 0:08:44.840 you might have to decide if you want the first 0:08:44.880 --> 0:08:48.880 offer regardless of what happens with the other companies, and 0:08:49.000 --> 0:08:50.959 you have to decide are you willing to risk being 0:08:51.040 --> 0:08:53.319 left with no offers if you turn this one down 0:08:53.520 --> 0:08:56.080 and the other ones don't come through. That's a really 0:08:56.160 --> 0:08:58.960 hard calculation to make, and it's going to depend on 0:08:58.960 --> 0:09:01.200 things like your sense of how many options that you 0:09:01.280 --> 0:09:03.480 have and how easy you think it will be to 0:09:03.520 --> 0:09:06.840 get another offer from a totally different company. There's no 0:09:06.920 --> 0:09:10.359 easy answer here, but definitely because it's a small industry 0:09:10.400 --> 0:09:12.760 and people know each other. The thing I would not 0:09:12.960 --> 0:09:16.200 do is except the first offer and then back out 0:09:16.200 --> 0:09:19.000 if something else comes through later. That will burn a 0:09:19.000 --> 0:09:21.800 bridge and in a small field where you're likely to 0:09:21.880 --> 0:09:24.559 run into people down the road. You don't want to 0:09:24.600 --> 0:09:26.440 be applying for a job that you want in five 0:09:26.480 --> 0:09:30.000 years and find out the hiring manager for that job 0:09:30.120 --> 0:09:32.839 is the person whose job offer you reneged on this time. 0:09:33.280 --> 0:09:35.800 So if you do accept it, I think it's got 0:09:35.840 --> 0:09:38.080 to be with the intention of really taking it and 0:09:38.200 --> 0:09:41.880 withdrawing from the other companies, which sucks. I know. We'll 0:09:41.880 --> 0:09:43.480 take a short break here and then come back with 0:09:43.520 --> 0:09:55.199 more questions. Here is our next question. Hi, Alson, I 0:09:55.320 --> 0:09:58.079 just received a voicemail for an employer checking references for 0:09:58.120 --> 0:10:00.720 an employee at my previous job. I was not this 0:10:00.760 --> 0:10:03.440 person's direct manager, but I did have daily oversight on 0:10:03.480 --> 0:10:05.840 her work. She didn't get along with our manager, and 0:10:05.880 --> 0:10:08.600 I was probably due to a personality mismatch on both sides. 0:10:09.080 --> 0:10:11.520 This employee was a quick learner, great with customers, and 0:10:11.559 --> 0:10:14.120 did good work, although there were definitely some attitude issues. 0:10:14.520 --> 0:10:16.480 I did have some mild concerns, but I do feel 0:10:16.520 --> 0:10:18.079 a lot of it was due to immaturity and this 0:10:18.240 --> 0:10:20.480 being her first job. I would have been happy to 0:10:20.520 --> 0:10:23.720 have given her a positive reference. Then she quite without notice. 0:10:24.160 --> 0:10:25.640 I think she was trying to send a message to 0:10:25.640 --> 0:10:27.520 her manager, but all she did was put the rest 0:10:27.520 --> 0:10:29.720 of the team in a bind. A few months later, 0:10:29.760 --> 0:10:31.640 I left for another job, but I do still keep 0:10:31.679 --> 0:10:34.560 in touch with our manager, who was fantastic. I found 0:10:34.559 --> 0:10:37.120 out through her that our former employee also quit her 0:10:37.160 --> 0:10:39.840 new job without notice. I have not been in contact 0:10:39.880 --> 0:10:41.360 with her, and I didn't expect to be asked for 0:10:41.400 --> 0:10:43.319 a reference. If she had reached out to me, I 0:10:43.320 --> 0:10:45.200 would have told her I wouldn't be able to provide one. 0:10:45.720 --> 0:10:48.280 I'm planning and just ignoring the reference checker. She's young, 0:10:48.320 --> 0:10:50.360 and I feel horrible if my reference cost her a job. 0:10:50.760 --> 0:10:53.280 Then again, she's now quit two jobs without notice. What 0:10:53.280 --> 0:10:57.480 would you recommend? This is an annoying situation to be in. 0:10:57.920 --> 0:10:59.680 You want to cut someone a break, which is great, 0:10:59.720 --> 0:11:01.240 but then they make it really hard for you to 0:11:01.280 --> 0:11:04.200 do that. It is definitely kind of you that you 0:11:04.240 --> 0:11:07.120 were willing to give her a positive reference despite having 0:11:07.400 --> 0:11:11.240 maybe mild concerns. You're definitely right that when it's someone's 0:11:11.280 --> 0:11:13.880 first job, there can just be some immaturity due to that, 0:11:14.040 --> 0:11:16.280 and it doesn't necessarily mean that they're going to be 0:11:16.320 --> 0:11:19.800 carrying those traits with them. Forever. But once she left 0:11:19.800 --> 0:11:22.320 without notice and put your team in a bind, that 0:11:22.360 --> 0:11:24.360 does kind of burn the bridge and make it hard 0:11:24.440 --> 0:11:26.200 to give her a good reference. And then when you 0:11:26.280 --> 0:11:29.000 heard that she did it a second time, that's not 0:11:29.120 --> 0:11:31.880 someone who you want to use your own professional reputation 0:11:32.000 --> 0:11:34.880 to vouch for. It's annoying that she listed you as 0:11:34.880 --> 0:11:36.760 a reference without talking with you to make sure that 0:11:36.800 --> 0:11:39.320 you were willing to give her a good one. I 0:11:39.360 --> 0:11:41.600 will say sometimes when people get reference calls and they 0:11:41.600 --> 0:11:43.840 get annoyed that the person didn't give them a heads 0:11:43.920 --> 0:11:46.040 up first, I will tell them, hey, don't assume that 0:11:46.040 --> 0:11:49.760 that's what happened, because the person didn't necessarily list you 0:11:49.800 --> 0:11:52.800 as a reference. Some reference checkers will just call your 0:11:52.880 --> 0:11:55.240 last few jobs, regardless of whether you put them on 0:11:55.280 --> 0:11:58.360 an official reference list or not. But in this case, 0:11:58.520 --> 0:12:01.480 because you were not her direct man her, and especially 0:12:01.480 --> 0:12:03.440 because you're no longer at that job anymore, and so 0:12:03.480 --> 0:12:06.439 they must have reached you through your personal contact information, 0:12:07.080 --> 0:12:09.520 it does seem like she must have listed you rather 0:12:09.559 --> 0:12:13.120 than them just calling up past employers. And it's not 0:12:13.200 --> 0:12:15.960 great that she listed you without bothering to verify with 0:12:16.000 --> 0:12:19.000 you that you would give a good reference, especially because 0:12:19.000 --> 0:12:20.960 she knows that she left that job without notice and 0:12:21.000 --> 0:12:23.679 that you would know that. So it's a weird assumption 0:12:23.800 --> 0:12:26.120 on her part, and I suspect it does go to 0:12:26.280 --> 0:12:30.440 youth and inexperience anyway, when you are not able to 0:12:30.440 --> 0:12:32.920 give someone a good reference but you kind of want 0:12:32.960 --> 0:12:35.280 to give them a break, one way to handle that 0:12:35.559 --> 0:12:38.280 is to just not return the reference call. Your silence 0:12:38.320 --> 0:12:41.080 sends a message of its own, and even if that 0:12:41.120 --> 0:12:43.360 message is not picked up on, at least it gets 0:12:43.400 --> 0:12:45.400 you off the list of people being asked to vouch 0:12:45.440 --> 0:12:47.960 for her work. So I think it's fine that you 0:12:48.040 --> 0:12:50.960 chose to handle it that way, But what I would 0:12:51.040 --> 0:12:54.679 recommend is contacting her and letting her know that you're 0:12:54.679 --> 0:12:57.079 not able to be a reference for her, both so 0:12:57.120 --> 0:12:59.600 that she stops listing you and so that she gets 0:12:59.600 --> 0:13:02.760 a sort of reality check on her understanding of how 0:13:02.840 --> 0:13:06.280 you view what happened, because it sounds like right now 0:13:06.320 --> 0:13:08.280 she might be thinking that you're fine with how she 0:13:08.320 --> 0:13:11.079 handled things, and so it'll be helpful to let her 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:13.960 know that that's not really the case. So you could 0:13:14.000 --> 0:13:16.480 say something like, hey, I received a voicemail from someone 0:13:16.480 --> 0:13:19.000 who was looking for a reference for you. I don't 0:13:19.000 --> 0:13:21.520 think I'm a well positioned to be a reference for you, 0:13:21.600 --> 0:13:23.160 and I wanted to let you know so that you 0:13:23.160 --> 0:13:27.200 don't include me on future reference lists. And if you want, 0:13:27.280 --> 0:13:29.160 you could explain that it is because of how she 0:13:29.240 --> 0:13:31.440 left the job, but you don't need to get into 0:13:31.440 --> 0:13:34.720 that if you don't want to. Whether or not to 0:13:34.760 --> 0:13:37.400 get into it, I think depends on your sense of 0:13:37.400 --> 0:13:39.720 how she would take it. If she is someone who 0:13:39.720 --> 0:13:42.400 handles feedback really well and isn't going to argue with you, 0:13:42.920 --> 0:13:44.920 it would be a kindness to explain it to her. 0:13:45.559 --> 0:13:47.840 But if you think she'll be argumentative or even a 0:13:47.920 --> 0:13:50.240 jerk about it, and then you could just stick with hey, 0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:52.120 letting you know that I can't do this. I hope 0:13:52.120 --> 0:13:54.640 you're doing well now. All of that said, I do 0:13:54.840 --> 0:13:56.880 think that there can be an argument for giving an 0:13:56.880 --> 0:13:59.720 honest reference if that's something that you would be comfortable with. 0:14:00.360 --> 0:14:02.080 I totally get that you don't want to be the 0:14:02.120 --> 0:14:05.280 reason she's rejected for a job, but if you are 0:14:05.320 --> 0:14:08.640 the employer about to hire her, you probably would want 0:14:08.679 --> 0:14:11.400 to know these details about her work history so that 0:14:11.440 --> 0:14:14.160 you could make an informed decision and maybe decide that 0:14:14.200 --> 0:14:16.560 you were going to choose a candidate who really wants 0:14:16.640 --> 0:14:18.840 the job and hasn't left her last two positions with 0:14:18.880 --> 0:14:21.280 no notice. I know that can seem harsh, especially to 0:14:21.280 --> 0:14:23.400 people who don't do a lot of hiring, but I 0:14:23.440 --> 0:14:25.880 will say that from the hiring side of things, I'm 0:14:25.920 --> 0:14:29.640 always so grateful for references who will speak candidly. And 0:14:29.760 --> 0:14:31.240 that doesn't mean that you would get on the phone 0:14:31.280 --> 0:14:33.560 and slam her. It means that you would give a full, 0:14:33.880 --> 0:14:36.920 nuanced reference talking about her good points but also the 0:14:36.960 --> 0:14:40.000 parts that did not go so well. But you definitely 0:14:40.000 --> 0:14:42.320 don't have to do that. Either. One of these approaches 0:14:42.400 --> 0:14:47.440 is reasonable to take. Okay, next letter, Hi Allison. I'm 0:14:47.440 --> 0:14:51.160 a mid level manager in a male dominated industry in Sydney, Australia. 0:14:51.680 --> 0:14:54.440 After six months of being manager less, I'm finally getting 0:14:54.440 --> 0:14:57.200 a boss. When I interviewed from my role a year ago, 0:14:57.520 --> 0:15:00.240 I was very forward about my expectations in are to 0:15:00.280 --> 0:15:02.640 my work life balance. I need to work from home 0:15:02.680 --> 0:15:05.160 when I feel like it. I'm not getting until nine am, 0:15:05.320 --> 0:15:08.680 and I prefer transparency. In my annual review with my 0:15:08.760 --> 0:15:11.520 old boss, who is still with the company, I was 0:15:11.560 --> 0:15:14.560 told that I'm an excellent performer with an innovation and 0:15:14.560 --> 0:15:17.360 that I work incredibly hard. I've got four weeks to 0:15:17.400 --> 0:15:19.840 figure out how to approach my new manager and lay 0:15:19.920 --> 0:15:22.000 down the law about the way I work, that I 0:15:22.040 --> 0:15:24.560 don't want to be micromanaged, and that my work life 0:15:24.560 --> 0:15:26.720 balance is very important to me. It's been in a 0:15:26.760 --> 0:15:30.880 respectful way. Can you help me? Okay? So this is 0:15:30.960 --> 0:15:33.560 an interesting one. It can be really tricky when you 0:15:33.600 --> 0:15:36.400 negotiate certain things with the boss as conditions of your 0:15:36.400 --> 0:15:39.000 taking the job, and then they leave and a new 0:15:39.040 --> 0:15:42.400 manager comes in and they haven't necessarily agreed to those 0:15:42.400 --> 0:15:45.440 things and might not be as amenable to them as 0:15:45.480 --> 0:15:48.480 the old person has. So the way that you approach 0:15:48.520 --> 0:15:50.760 it is important. You definitely don't want to approach it 0:15:50.800 --> 0:15:54.200 as laying down the law, because the reality is that 0:15:54.360 --> 0:15:57.400 she does have the ability to say, actually, i'd like 0:15:57.440 --> 0:16:00.720 to tell something different. Of course, that happens at that 0:16:00.760 --> 0:16:02.560 point you might decide that you don't want to stay 0:16:02.600 --> 0:16:05.720 under those conditions, but ideally you want to handle it 0:16:05.760 --> 0:16:07.320 in a way where it doesn't get to that point 0:16:07.360 --> 0:16:09.320 at all. And that said, you also don't want to 0:16:09.360 --> 0:16:12.200 approach it as asking for her permission, because you're not 0:16:12.440 --> 0:16:15.960 really doing that either. It's more, this is the arrangement 0:16:15.960 --> 0:16:18.160 that I have. It's something that I negotiated when he 0:16:18.200 --> 0:16:19.840 took the job, and I want to let you know 0:16:19.920 --> 0:16:22.640 about it. So it's kind of an f y I, 0:16:23.160 --> 0:16:25.640 but with an opening for her to speak up if 0:16:25.680 --> 0:16:28.200 it's going to be a problem for her. That's for 0:16:28.240 --> 0:16:30.800 the schedule of stuff and the working from home. The 0:16:30.880 --> 0:16:34.600 pieces about transparency and not being micromanaged are a little 0:16:34.640 --> 0:16:37.760 bit different. No one really wants to be micro managed, 0:16:37.880 --> 0:16:41.040 especially not after a certain professional level, and it's likely 0:16:41.120 --> 0:16:45.360 to come across as strangely adversarial if you just announce 0:16:45.440 --> 0:16:47.840 that you don't want to be micro managed. And the 0:16:47.920 --> 0:16:51.080 reality is if your new manager is a micro manager, 0:16:51.480 --> 0:16:53.160 it's probably not something that you're going to be able 0:16:53.200 --> 0:16:58.520 to solve in one conversation or one declaration, So that 0:16:58.560 --> 0:17:00.680 one is something where you're more are going to need 0:17:00.760 --> 0:17:03.680 to wait and see how things play out. You could 0:17:03.720 --> 0:17:06.600 say something early on about what kind of structures you've 0:17:06.600 --> 0:17:08.760 been using with your old boss that have worked well. 0:17:09.280 --> 0:17:11.920 For example, you could say, so what I've been doing 0:17:11.960 --> 0:17:14.359 with Jane, the previous manager, is that I run the 0:17:14.520 --> 0:17:17.480 X program pretty autonomously, but I meet with her monthly 0:17:17.520 --> 0:17:20.320 to give her updates on Y and Z, and i'd 0:17:20.320 --> 0:17:23.480 consult with her about things like A and B, and 0:17:23.600 --> 0:17:26.520 my goals for the next six months are blah blah blah, 0:17:26.600 --> 0:17:28.639 and I'm on track to meet all of those, but 0:17:28.680 --> 0:17:30.639 I'll flag it for you if it ever looks like 0:17:30.680 --> 0:17:33.439 that might not be the case. So that's sort of 0:17:33.480 --> 0:17:36.720 a declaration of here's how I work, it's working well, 0:17:37.000 --> 0:17:39.200 here's how I'll keep you in the loop. And if 0:17:39.280 --> 0:17:42.960 your new boss does have micromanaging tendencies, potentially that can 0:17:43.000 --> 0:17:45.359 head off some of it by making it clear that 0:17:45.400 --> 0:17:47.359 you're on top of this stuff and laying out a 0:17:47.400 --> 0:17:51.720 structure for regular communication. A lot of micromanaging happens because 0:17:51.760 --> 0:17:55.240 the micromanager doesn't have good structures for those sorts of 0:17:55.280 --> 0:17:58.240 things in place, and because people don't have clear goals 0:17:58.280 --> 0:18:01.159 and regular updates on their progress towards those goals. So 0:18:01.240 --> 0:18:04.119 if you proactively lay that stuff out, that could be 0:18:04.160 --> 0:18:07.720 really helpful. Not guaranteed, I mean, some people are just 0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:11.000 terrible micro managers no matter what, but it could help. 0:18:11.320 --> 0:18:14.080 And if she's not a micro manager, it'll still be 0:18:14.119 --> 0:18:15.959 really useful to lay that kind of thing out. I mean, 0:18:15.960 --> 0:18:17.320 I would love it if I came into a job 0:18:17.359 --> 0:18:19.399 as a new manager and sat down with someone and 0:18:19.440 --> 0:18:21.399 they had all of that ready to go. But some 0:18:21.560 --> 0:18:23.320 of this is going to just be about waiting and 0:18:23.359 --> 0:18:26.120 seeing if you start getting pushed back on your schedule 0:18:26.400 --> 0:18:29.399 or you do start to feel micro managed. At that point, 0:18:29.480 --> 0:18:32.000 you'd sit down with her and have a conversation about it. 0:18:32.080 --> 0:18:35.000 But I wouldn't start from an aggressive posture on this. 0:18:35.720 --> 0:18:38.159 Do the f y I stuff about your schedule and 0:18:38.200 --> 0:18:40.720 be matter of fact about it, talk about the structures 0:18:40.760 --> 0:18:42.760 that you use for communication and for keeping her in 0:18:42.800 --> 0:18:44.800 the loop, and then give it some time to see 0:18:44.800 --> 0:18:47.359 how it goes. Let's do a short break here and 0:18:47.400 --> 0:18:58.639 we'll come back with more. Okay, next letter. The Place 0:18:58.920 --> 0:19:02.160 Unemployed with the as United Way. This is my first 0:19:02.240 --> 0:19:05.719 year working here. Every employee will have money deducted from 0:19:05.760 --> 0:19:09.760 their paycheck over the next year until next September. We 0:19:09.800 --> 0:19:12.399