1 00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:06,360 Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's The Velvet's 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,200 Speaker 1: Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson. 3 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:15,000 Speaker 2: A'maa Altai is a leading holistic business and career coach 4 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:17,799 Speaker 2: who has worked with companies like Google, Deloitte, and Roku 5 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:21,040 Speaker 2: and more. She's here today to share her expertise on 6 00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:25,080 Speaker 2: creating a new paradigm of success and satisfaction with us. 7 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:26,279 Speaker 2: I'm so excited about this. 8 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:29,160 Speaker 3: Hi amana, Hi, thank you so much for having me. 9 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:31,440 Speaker 2: So I was telling you before the podcast, as we 10 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:34,280 Speaker 2: wrap up twenty twenty four, I find that I'm always 11 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,840 Speaker 2: looking back kind of you know, you're reevaluating. You don't 12 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:39,199 Speaker 2: always have time to do that during the year, and 13 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:41,240 Speaker 2: so this seems like December is kind of the time 14 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,720 Speaker 2: where we look back on the last year and go 15 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:47,040 Speaker 2: what did I like? What didn't I like? And obviously 16 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:50,960 Speaker 2: like career and business and all of that really comes 17 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,199 Speaker 2: into play here a lot, and I know a lot 18 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:56,040 Speaker 2: of us are also feeling tired at the end of 19 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:58,280 Speaker 2: the year. There's the burnout. So I want to touch 20 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,600 Speaker 2: on all those topics. But if people are looking back 21 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:04,679 Speaker 2: at their year and they're thinking, God, I really kind 22 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:07,480 Speaker 2: of messed that part up. I found it really interesting 23 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:09,760 Speaker 2: in your work that you say fail fast and often, 24 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:13,120 Speaker 2: and that's actually a key to a successful business life. 25 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,160 Speaker 2: So what do you mean by that, fail fast and 26 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:15,920 Speaker 2: fail often? 27 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:19,560 Speaker 3: So I also love to invite people into celebrations too, 28 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:22,520 Speaker 3: because our brains evolved with the negativity bias, so it's 29 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,720 Speaker 3: way easier for our brains to hyper focus on the 30 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:27,200 Speaker 3: negative than it is to find the positive. So we 31 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:29,959 Speaker 3: may be arriving at the end of the year and think, oh, well, 32 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:32,840 Speaker 3: I missed the mark there, but chances are you probably 33 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:34,960 Speaker 3: did a lot of good too. So the first thing 34 00:01:34,959 --> 00:01:36,959 Speaker 3: I always invite people to think about before they even 35 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,760 Speaker 3: start to think about the next year, is celebrating where 36 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:42,560 Speaker 3: you really brought it this year, because celebrations are so 37 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,679 Speaker 3: important and it boosts mood and dopamine and creativity and 38 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:47,600 Speaker 3: all the things. But so few of us actually start 39 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,080 Speaker 3: in the celebration space. So I highly invite people to 40 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:53,040 Speaker 3: do that and then fail fast and often. So that's 41 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:55,760 Speaker 3: a doctrine that I hear a lot in the entrepreneurial 42 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:59,280 Speaker 3: and leadership spaces, and I think that it's a wonderful idea, 43 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:01,960 Speaker 3: but I don't think it's actually supportive for everybody. So 44 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:04,280 Speaker 3: I think people with more dominant identities, it's kind of 45 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:06,400 Speaker 3: safer to like fail fast and often it's okay to 46 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,080 Speaker 3: miss the mark. But for a lot of women, for example, 47 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,959 Speaker 3: when we miss the mark, we get feedback in a 48 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:14,040 Speaker 3: much more insidious way, so it doesn't always feel safe 49 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:16,919 Speaker 3: to fail fast and often. So I'm a big proponent 50 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,760 Speaker 3: of the eighty percent rule of going out at eighty percent, 51 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,280 Speaker 3: so not waiting for things to be one hundred percent perfect, 52 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:25,520 Speaker 3: but you've done your research, you've got some data, you've 53 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:27,840 Speaker 3: shaped things to a certain degree, and then there's still 54 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:29,959 Speaker 3: a little gap there where you can get feedback from 55 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,799 Speaker 3: people and make it even better. So I'm not a 56 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:34,520 Speaker 3: huge fan of the fail fasten off because I don't 57 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,640 Speaker 3: think it works for everybody. But I love the idea 58 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:37,920 Speaker 3: of going out at eighty percent. 59 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,560 Speaker 2: Okay, So that eighty twenty rule. That's kind of what 60 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,360 Speaker 2: I do with my diet. It's like I try to 61 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:46,560 Speaker 2: eat like clean, gluten free, dairy free, all of those things, 62 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:48,920 Speaker 2: and it makes me feel better to do that, but 63 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,640 Speaker 2: I don't get it one hundred percent ride or when 64 00:02:50,639 --> 00:02:52,480 Speaker 2: you're eating out, you know, sometimes there's just going to 65 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:55,040 Speaker 2: be things and it does help to kind of tell 66 00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:58,000 Speaker 2: your brain it's okay, like I'm doing eighty percent well, 67 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:00,760 Speaker 2: and the twenty percent it's just kind of life and 68 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:02,960 Speaker 2: being a human one hundred percent. 69 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,280 Speaker 3: The twenty percent is life being a human, it's data 70 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,519 Speaker 3: and it's never anything to punish ourselves over. 71 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:10,320 Speaker 2: So that kind of ties into perfectionism a little bit. 72 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:14,120 Speaker 2: And I love this connection of thinking back through where 73 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:17,600 Speaker 2: you might feel a little bit impostor like I've never 74 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:19,639 Speaker 2: thought about this, but I was reading my notes and 75 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,960 Speaker 2: kind of doing research on you, and something that I've 76 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:26,160 Speaker 2: read about you was that you often say whenever we 77 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:29,600 Speaker 2: feel the imposter syndrome, it can push us into perfectionism. 78 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,760 Speaker 2: And then I started kind of retracing where my perfectionism 79 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,520 Speaker 2: really comes up in my job, and it is typically 80 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:38,560 Speaker 2: where I feel a little bit like how did I 81 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:39,000 Speaker 2: get here? 82 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:40,560 Speaker 4: What am I doing? You know? 83 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,840 Speaker 2: Like you know, which I think we all feel at 84 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:45,760 Speaker 2: all times, even the top executives feel that way. So 85 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:49,760 Speaker 2: what if the tie from perfectionism to imposter syndrome? 86 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:53,280 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a great question. So doctor Valery Young, who 87 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:56,160 Speaker 3: studied imposter syndrome, came up with five archetypes, and one 88 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:59,600 Speaker 3: of them is the perfectionist. So when we feel imposter syndrome, 89 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,960 Speaker 3: it's off because we're walking into a space or we're 90 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,360 Speaker 3: in an industry where we don't see a lot of 91 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:05,560 Speaker 3: people that look like us. So we look around the room, 92 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:08,200 Speaker 3: we don't see people that have you know, our women, 93 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:10,280 Speaker 3: or our people of color, whatever your identity is, and 94 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:12,240 Speaker 3: so then all of a sudden, you're like, I don't belong. 95 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 3: So in order to feel like I belong, I have 96 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:17,280 Speaker 3: to over rotate and be perfect so I can belong 97 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,200 Speaker 3: and be accepted. But then we're living in a performance 98 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:22,800 Speaker 3: and we usually take ourselves out because of it. But 99 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,719 Speaker 3: I also think that there's something really interesting to add 100 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:28,480 Speaker 3: into the conversation here. So there were these really great 101 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,560 Speaker 3: articles on imposter syndrome on Harvard Business Review a couple 102 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:34,640 Speaker 3: of years back by Rushia Kotulcian and Jody Ane Bury, 103 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:37,479 Speaker 3: and they talked about the title of the article was 104 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,920 Speaker 3: stop telling women that they have imposter syndrome. And I 105 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:43,000 Speaker 3: loved this so much because the essence of the article was, 106 00:04:43,839 --> 00:04:48,240 Speaker 3: we're basically pathologizing a very typical set of behaviors, such 107 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:50,760 Speaker 3: as fear or doubt. It's very typical to feel fear. 108 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:54,120 Speaker 3: It's very typical to doubt yourself, but we're pathologizing them, 109 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,920 Speaker 3: particularly around women, and making them a syndrome, and then 110 00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,479 Speaker 3: we're like, oh my god, there's something wrong with me. 111 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:01,640 Speaker 3: So instead, I think it's really important that we just 112 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,080 Speaker 3: start to work with the fear. 113 00:05:03,279 --> 00:05:03,440 Speaker 2: Right. 114 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,520 Speaker 3: So, if we're in a space of fear, if we're 115 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:08,400 Speaker 3: feeling imposter syndrome and it's driving us the perfectionism, what's 116 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,799 Speaker 3: the fear story there? What are we telling ourselves about 117 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,320 Speaker 3: what our work or what we can contribute, or our 118 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:17,480 Speaker 3: sense of belonging. Where did we first learn that fear 119 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:20,479 Speaker 3: of that story? Can we reframe that and actually choose 120 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:21,839 Speaker 3: a different way moving forward? 121 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,440 Speaker 2: You know, what's so interesting about a poster syndrome to 122 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:28,000 Speaker 2: me is that we just have this expectation of ourselves 123 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:29,600 Speaker 2: a lot of times that we should just know how 124 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:32,799 Speaker 2: to do everything. I'm not sure exactly where that comes from, 125 00:05:32,839 --> 00:05:34,719 Speaker 2: but I do think that's interesting to take a look 126 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:37,520 Speaker 2: back into your life and think where did this start? 127 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:39,360 Speaker 2: Where did this narrative start? Because a lot of times 128 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:42,120 Speaker 2: I'm sure it developed. I'm sure it's some family system thing, 129 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,279 Speaker 2: or you know, like everything else is linked back to 130 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,440 Speaker 2: how we grew up in our childhood. But I do 131 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,880 Speaker 2: think it's really interesting that more women may face this 132 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:53,320 Speaker 2: than men, and that is just sort of that entitlement 133 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,520 Speaker 2: that comes from being a man. You are expected to 134 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:57,920 Speaker 2: go out and you feel like you're deserving of things, 135 00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:01,520 Speaker 2: whereas women seem to have more of this expectation of 136 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,479 Speaker 2: maybe I can get this, or maybe I don't deserve this, 137 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,880 Speaker 2: no other woman has been there before, and so you're 138 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,560 Speaker 2: trying to carve your own way. And then but then 139 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:11,200 Speaker 2: we turn on ourselves and act like we should know 140 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,039 Speaker 2: how to do that one hundred percent. 141 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,040 Speaker 3: You're right. It's kind of a double bind. And it's 142 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:18,080 Speaker 3: so interesting because so this the term imposter syndrome, it 143 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:20,880 Speaker 3: was actually called impost phenomenon originally was coined in the 144 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:24,000 Speaker 3: sixties or seventies, I believe, and it was by Pauline 145 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:27,600 Speaker 3: Clanton Suzanne i'ms And they were studying female PhD students, 146 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:30,520 Speaker 3: and so they were a plethora of male PhD students 147 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:32,880 Speaker 3: and only a handful of female PhD students, and so 148 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,280 Speaker 3: they were all like, well, I don't belong here. I 149 00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:36,240 Speaker 3: don't see people that look like me. And so that's 150 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,600 Speaker 3: why representation is so important because it can help us 151 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:41,400 Speaker 3: shift that story as well. But you're right, so much 152 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,960 Speaker 3: of it starts in family systems and in childhood and 153 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,040 Speaker 3: the moment where we feel like we're not good enough, 154 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,880 Speaker 3: and then we replicate that everywhere until we heal that 155 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:49,720 Speaker 3: initial wound. 156 00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:51,320 Speaker 4: So that's the symptom. 157 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:53,320 Speaker 2: But what do we do about that if we're finding 158 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:55,760 Speaker 2: ourselves stuck in this perfectionism or if you're looking back 159 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:57,560 Speaker 2: on your year like we just talked about, and you 160 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,760 Speaker 2: were like beating yourself up the whole time, or you're 161 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,280 Speaker 2: doing that when you're even evaluating, Do you have any 162 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:06,160 Speaker 2: tips to overcome these kind of mentalities? 163 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:09,279 Speaker 3: Yes, So honestly, looking back to see where the story 164 00:07:09,279 --> 00:07:12,600 Speaker 3: originated is so important because by doing that, you're going 165 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:14,560 Speaker 3: to have an awareness around it. So you're like, Okay, 166 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,840 Speaker 3: this happened in this moment in childhood when I raise 167 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:19,200 Speaker 3: my hand in class, I didn't know the answer. Everybody 168 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:20,880 Speaker 3: laughed at me, and therefore I felt like I was 169 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:22,720 Speaker 3: a total imposter. And now every time I feel like 170 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:24,880 Speaker 3: I need to know the answer, that actually happened to 171 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:28,119 Speaker 3: a client of mine. And so that's the story, right, 172 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:30,920 Speaker 3: And then what does that little version of you need 173 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:32,760 Speaker 3: to feel whole, So maybe you need to do some 174 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,920 Speaker 3: inner child work, maybe that little version of you needs 175 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,520 Speaker 3: to feel more loved, more safe, whatever it is. And 176 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 3: then can you also come up with a reframe of 177 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,360 Speaker 3: I'm allowed to be perfectly imperfect. Everybody's perfectly imperfect and 178 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:46,280 Speaker 3: that's how we learn. So what's your reframe? And then 179 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:50,080 Speaker 3: the third thing I'll say is practice being perfectly imperfect, 180 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:51,880 Speaker 3: because everything is like a rep that we do at 181 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,240 Speaker 3: the gym, right, we build strength one rep at a time, 182 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:58,120 Speaker 3: We rewire our brains around the perfectionism one rep at 183 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:01,800 Speaker 3: a time too, So how can you being perfectly imperfect? 184 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:03,680 Speaker 3: And maybe in the beginning it's something that you need 185 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:05,720 Speaker 3: to do with your friends or family or in those 186 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,920 Speaker 3: safer spaces before you feel comfortable doing it out in 187 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,400 Speaker 3: the world, But we need to practice. 188 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:13,240 Speaker 2: I love that you're bringing that topic, you know, even 189 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:16,520 Speaker 2: bringing up inner child work as it relates to business, 190 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:19,240 Speaker 2: because I find that we talk about those kind of 191 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,720 Speaker 2: things and even those kind of therapy modalities as these 192 00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:25,480 Speaker 2: ways to exist in relationship, and I always typically go 193 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:28,440 Speaker 2: to oh my love relationships or even sometimes friendships, but 194 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:31,240 Speaker 2: mostly I think we put a lot of the emphasis 195 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:34,280 Speaker 2: on our love relationships there. And what I'm finding is 196 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:36,640 Speaker 2: the more I get into any kind of work on myself, 197 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,000 Speaker 2: or maybe it's the older I get, or the combination 198 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:42,280 Speaker 2: of both, all of the things that I do exist 199 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:45,840 Speaker 2: across the board. So if they exist in my romantic relationships, 200 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,920 Speaker 2: then they exist in my work world as well. And 201 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,920 Speaker 2: it's all the same mentalities and they're all connected. So 202 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:54,160 Speaker 2: I love that looking back even to analyze how your 203 00:08:54,240 --> 00:09:00,800 Speaker 2: business patterns and you know, mentalities can start in even childhood. 204 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,680 Speaker 3: One percent, because everywhere we go exactly what you said, 205 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:05,120 Speaker 3: everywhere we go there we are right. So you are 206 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:06,760 Speaker 3: going to be Kelly at work, You're going to be 207 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:09,840 Speaker 3: Kelly at home, and then we transfer those behaviors to 208 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:12,199 Speaker 3: every room and space that we're in. And so I 209 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,040 Speaker 3: always say to my clients, I'm like, I think we 210 00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:16,720 Speaker 3: meet our shadows more at work in entrepreneurship than most 211 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:19,840 Speaker 3: other places. So get ready to do the inner child work, 212 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,000 Speaker 3: the shadow work, all of it. 213 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:22,760 Speaker 2: Why do you think that Why do you think it 214 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:24,319 Speaker 2: comes up the most in that kind of work. 215 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:27,920 Speaker 3: I think entrepreneurship, especially at any place that we want 216 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,920 Speaker 3: to grow and advance and unfold, it's confronting because to 217 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:33,560 Speaker 3: really grow, advance and unfold, you have to look at 218 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:34,920 Speaker 3: the parts of yourself that are hidden. 219 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:37,800 Speaker 2: Well, I've been talking a lot about burnout. That's something 220 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:39,560 Speaker 2: that happened to me a couple of years ago. I 221 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:42,640 Speaker 2: just completely hit the wall, like it was just too much. 222 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:45,560 Speaker 2: Everything I was trying to do. It kind of almost 223 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:48,000 Speaker 2: collapsed in a way because I had reached the point 224 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,679 Speaker 2: where I humanly could not show up anymore for all 225 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,240 Speaker 2: the expectations I had put on myself. So I talk 226 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,120 Speaker 2: about this a lot, and you know, there's the big 227 00:09:55,559 --> 00:09:58,240 Speaker 2: girl Boss movement and all of that, and I'm just 228 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:01,320 Speaker 2: over it, Like I've just really we really reached this 229 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:03,679 Speaker 2: place of like why are we doing that to ourselves? 230 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:07,440 Speaker 2: Because it's really unattainable. For one and two, it's actually 231 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:10,760 Speaker 2: doesn't feel healthy like this. You know, I can do 232 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,000 Speaker 2: everything in all things, like, of course, I want you 233 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:15,840 Speaker 2: to believe in yourself, but what about that pressure that 234 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:19,320 Speaker 2: we're putting on ourselves to show up as this perfect 235 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,960 Speaker 2: human at all times? What do you think about the 236 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,560 Speaker 2: girl Boss movement in general? And then what are you 237 00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:28,000 Speaker 2: seeing in terms of your clients maybe hitting this place 238 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,800 Speaker 2: of burnout because of these expectations we've put on ourselves. 239 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,640 Speaker 2: What do you think about the girl boss movement in general? 240 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:45,080 Speaker 2: And then what are you seeing in terms of your 241 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:48,160 Speaker 2: clients maybe hitting this place of burnout because of these 242 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:49,840 Speaker 2: expectations we've put on ourselves. 243 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:53,520 Speaker 3: Yeah, these are beautiful questions. So I'm antie girl boss, 244 00:10:53,559 --> 00:10:54,680 Speaker 3: hustle culture movements. 245 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,400 Speaker 4: Okay, good, I'm not the only one. 246 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:58,560 Speaker 3: We know, we're we're in this together. Yeah, And I 247 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,880 Speaker 3: understand how it came to be. You know, there was 248 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,760 Speaker 3: probably a time where I was probably living into some 249 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:05,560 Speaker 3: of those girl boss traits too. I think for so 250 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,160 Speaker 3: much of the time when you're kind of like pushed 251 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,600 Speaker 3: down and you can't be in leadership, or there's not 252 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:12,280 Speaker 3: as many female entrepreneurs when it's our moment where like, oh, 253 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,320 Speaker 3: I'm going to over rotate and I'm going to overdo. 254 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:15,560 Speaker 3: And I think that there was like kind of a 255 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,360 Speaker 3: cultural moment where it was sort of like the rise 256 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,760 Speaker 3: of the girl brass and the tech bros together. It 257 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,800 Speaker 3: was like post the two thousand and eight recession, Like 258 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:25,079 Speaker 3: there was a lot of cultural factors that went into it. 259 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:28,520 Speaker 3: But I think it ended up being deeply toxic for everybody, 260 00:11:28,559 --> 00:11:31,199 Speaker 3: and we ended up harming ourselves and other people to 261 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:33,600 Speaker 3: quote unquote get ahead. And so I think that there 262 00:11:33,679 --> 00:11:35,760 Speaker 3: is a way to get ahead that actually is supportive 263 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:39,320 Speaker 3: of everybody. And you know, we see data nowadays where 264 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:42,199 Speaker 3: people are reporting rates of burnout. Anywhere between seventy and 265 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,000 Speaker 3: eighty percent of us are burned out depending on the 266 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:47,120 Speaker 3: data that you're reading, which is wild, right, And I 267 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:51,160 Speaker 3: think so much of it is because instrumentalizing our bodies, 268 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,400 Speaker 3: trying to get every last drop of productivity out of them, 269 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,840 Speaker 3: because we associate our value in our worthiness there. And 270 00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:59,000 Speaker 3: then I also think that a lot of us are 271 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:01,079 Speaker 3: working outside of ours zone of genius, and I think 272 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,679 Speaker 3: that's a big part of the conversation too. But I 273 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,439 Speaker 3: would also be remiss if I didn't mention that women, 274 00:12:06,679 --> 00:12:09,800 Speaker 3: people with uteruses, we have a higher propensity for burnout 275 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:11,800 Speaker 3: because of our hormones. So that's a part of the 276 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:13,400 Speaker 3: conversation too, unfortunately. 277 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, And I want to say with that because I 278 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,760 Speaker 2: think that can be kind of demonized or looked down on, 279 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:21,600 Speaker 2: and that's not the case. It's like, I think we 280 00:12:21,679 --> 00:12:23,680 Speaker 2: have to really talk about our bodies in a different 281 00:12:23,679 --> 00:12:28,320 Speaker 2: way because sure, men may have a higher rate of 282 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:31,840 Speaker 2: being able to be productive consistently. But it's different. I 283 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:35,000 Speaker 2: think it's just different. And that's the big part of 284 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:39,000 Speaker 2: that hormonal conversation that I really don't want to miss 285 00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:42,440 Speaker 2: because although yes, our hormones are different every day, it 286 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,480 Speaker 2: also opens us up to being able to see the 287 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,160 Speaker 2: world through its completely different lens that you wouldn't be 288 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,320 Speaker 2: able to do if you had similar things every single day. 289 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:53,720 Speaker 2: So it's to me about figuring out the ways to 290 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:57,360 Speaker 2: maximize the man and the woman in the scenario. Is 291 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,120 Speaker 2: not to say that one is better than the other, 292 00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:00,880 Speaker 2: or one can't do what the other can do, and 293 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:01,520 Speaker 2: things like that. 294 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,040 Speaker 3: One undred percent, I love what you're saying, and I'm 295 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:07,040 Speaker 3: completely with you because we all have different brains and bodies, right, 296 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,120 Speaker 3: whether we're a woman and we have an Infredian rhythm 297 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,840 Speaker 3: like the mental cycle and we're different every day, or 298 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,479 Speaker 3: like I have two chronic illnesses or you have a disability, 299 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:18,319 Speaker 3: your body just has a different path, and no path 300 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:20,520 Speaker 3: is right or wrong. It's about understanding, or I call 301 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:24,199 Speaker 3: them authentic energy codes. Understanding your authentic energy code, how 302 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,480 Speaker 3: you can work with that to have the highest yield contribution. 303 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,520 Speaker 3: And maybe some days that means you contribute a lot 304 00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:30,959 Speaker 3: of things, and maybe that means some days you don't 305 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,640 Speaker 3: contribute anything. It all kind of comes out in the wash, 306 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:34,360 Speaker 3: is what I think. 307 00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:36,720 Speaker 2: Well, it's also goes back to getting to know your 308 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,720 Speaker 2: own self, looking back at your childhood, whatever it was 309 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:42,360 Speaker 2: that shaped you who you are, figuring those kind of 310 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,680 Speaker 2: things out and how you can really operate at your 311 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:45,880 Speaker 2: highest skill set. 312 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:47,679 Speaker 3: Yes, exactly, exactly. 313 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,360 Speaker 2: Well that's one tool. Is do you have any other tools? 314 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:54,280 Speaker 2: If someone is sitting there going okay, yeah, it's December 315 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:55,559 Speaker 2: of twenty twenty four, I. 316 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:57,800 Speaker 4: Have been through it the last couple of years. I'm 317 00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,959 Speaker 4: completely burnt out. What can I do? 318 00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,640 Speaker 3: Yeah, So when it comes to burnout, I like to 319 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:06,280 Speaker 3: take people through a three part framework. So we already 320 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,760 Speaker 3: talked about the biology component, right, some of us our 321 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,000 Speaker 3: biologies it's a bit more sensitive to burnout, which just 322 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:12,480 Speaker 3: means that we want to work with our energy a 323 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:15,520 Speaker 3: bit more consciously. Then I think there's other three other 324 00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:17,280 Speaker 3: things that kind of go into burnout. So one is 325 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,600 Speaker 3: invisible labor, which is the work that we do that's 326 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:22,560 Speaker 3: unseen and unpaid for. Then there's visible labor, which is 327 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,480 Speaker 3: usually our day job. And then there's tolerations. I'll take 328 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:28,440 Speaker 3: you through each one. Okay, So invisible labor, this is 329 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:30,240 Speaker 3: the work that we do that's unseen and unpaid for. 330 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,160 Speaker 3: And in heterosexual relationships, women tend to do a lot 331 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,680 Speaker 3: more invisible labor than men. So that looks like maybe 332 00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:38,720 Speaker 3: making the dinners, doing the chores, getting the kids ready, 333 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:41,640 Speaker 3: all of those things, and you don't get a paycheck 334 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:45,520 Speaker 3: for those things. There's no cap on helping good right, 335 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,240 Speaker 3: right exactly, There's no cap on how many hours a 336 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,680 Speaker 3: week you can work on those things. And when that 337 00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:53,680 Speaker 3: goes unchecked, I think that can really tip us into burnout. 338 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:55,480 Speaker 3: So I think it's really important that we get conscious 339 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:58,240 Speaker 3: of how much invisible labor we're doing. Ok and we 340 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,800 Speaker 3: may need to redistribute some of the then the next 341 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,560 Speaker 3: one's visible labor. So this is the work that we 342 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,040 Speaker 3: do that is seen and paid for. This is our 343 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,680 Speaker 3: day job, and a lot of us, as we were 344 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,960 Speaker 3: kind of alluding to before, are overworking in our day jobs. 345 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:14,560 Speaker 3: So maybe we are staying you know, way past you know, 346 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,440 Speaker 3: six o'clock or five o'clock, and you know, doing eleven 347 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:20,120 Speaker 3: other things that we don't need to do, or maybe 348 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:24,560 Speaker 3: we are volunteering to run the office erg or we're 349 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:26,720 Speaker 3: kind of like the office therapist. We're doing these things 350 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,360 Speaker 3: that are extra that we don't need to that are 351 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:31,200 Speaker 3: maybe tipping us into burnout. And then the third thing 352 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:34,120 Speaker 3: is tolerations, the things that we are tolerating in our 353 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:36,400 Speaker 3: life that we need not be tolerating that are tipping 354 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,880 Speaker 3: us into burnout. And that can be things like tolerating 355 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:43,160 Speaker 3: being underpaid, tolerating being underworked, tolerating a lack of boundaries, 356 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,080 Speaker 3: tolerating our own people pleasing. So what are the things 357 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:48,680 Speaker 3: that you're tolerating in your life that could be eroding 358 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:50,800 Speaker 3: a sense of well being and tipping you into burnout. 359 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,560 Speaker 2: I love the three breakdowns because that is true the 360 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,680 Speaker 2: invisible labor. I even think about that from an emotional 361 00:15:56,680 --> 00:16:00,520 Speaker 2: component because women, I think are much more This isn't 362 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:03,080 Speaker 2: every case, but I think a lot of times women 363 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:06,640 Speaker 2: will be leading the emotional connection in a relationship or 364 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,560 Speaker 2: with the kids or things like that, and that can 365 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:09,920 Speaker 2: be draining as well. 366 00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:13,520 Speaker 3: Yeah, that can be exhausting. Emotional labor is real. Yeah, 367 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:15,440 Speaker 3: it's saying and it's heavy. And so we want to 368 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,400 Speaker 3: look at these all these components of our lives and 369 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:20,000 Speaker 3: ask you know, where is the heaviest burden. Where are 370 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,160 Speaker 3: we contributing a lot and not getting a ton back? 371 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:23,200 Speaker 3: And can we shift that? 372 00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:26,160 Speaker 4: Yeah, it sounds like a little place for boundaries as 373 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:29,360 Speaker 4: well to be in this ole boundaries. Boundaries they always 374 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:30,440 Speaker 4: keep popping up, don't they. 375 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:32,800 Speaker 3: No same a lifetime. 376 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, so we're moving into twenty twenty five. And 377 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,800 Speaker 2: if you're looking back on your ear and you're thinking, yeah, 378 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,680 Speaker 2: I wasn't happy or the last couple years, like I 379 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,520 Speaker 2: wasn't happy. You talk about the art of the pivot. 380 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:47,920 Speaker 2: So you say that there's a way to intentionally quit 381 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,920 Speaker 2: your job. Can you tell us more about that? 382 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,880 Speaker 3: So this is why most people come to me and 383 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,880 Speaker 3: my coaching practice, because you're ready for a change and 384 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:59,240 Speaker 3: they want to do it intentionally. And so it's usually 385 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:00,800 Speaker 3: people that have kind of got into the top of 386 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:03,360 Speaker 3: the ladder in their respective field, and that was the 387 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:05,920 Speaker 3: career they thought they should have, right, Like, they checked 388 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,960 Speaker 3: all the boxes, they got that title, that paycheck, and 389 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,320 Speaker 3: then they look around and they're like, there's no happiness 390 00:17:11,359 --> 00:17:13,199 Speaker 3: or joy here. This isn't what I really wanted. I 391 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:16,199 Speaker 3: want to do something different. And so I believe that 392 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,960 Speaker 3: the great work of our life touches on five areas, 393 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,960 Speaker 3: and when I talk about the intentional pivot, we want 394 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,400 Speaker 3: to find all five of these areas for our next role. 395 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,960 Speaker 3: So I'll take you through all five. The first one 396 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,960 Speaker 3: is zone of genius or gifts. We all have zones 397 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:32,400 Speaker 3: of genius, places where we're off the charts brilliant, where 398 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,480 Speaker 3: our gifts are innate and we don't have to push 399 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,879 Speaker 3: force or effort to contribute in those spaces, like it 400 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,320 Speaker 3: just kind of really flows from us naturally. And this 401 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:43,440 Speaker 3: supports not tipping into burnout because imagine if you worked 402 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,919 Speaker 3: in a place where you were using your innate gifts 403 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,920 Speaker 3: versus ones you have to really push to get out there, 404 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:51,119 Speaker 3: It's like that's very different energy. So that's gifts, and 405 00:17:51,119 --> 00:17:53,840 Speaker 3: then there's our values. So we want to make sure 406 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,760 Speaker 3: our values are aligned with the organization's values or any 407 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,359 Speaker 3: place that we're working, because when they're not, we feel 408 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:02,760 Speaker 3: constant friction every day. So if I really care about 409 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,880 Speaker 3: the environment, but the company that I work for has 410 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,520 Speaker 3: a really big environmental footprint, every day, I'm going to 411 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:09,199 Speaker 3: go to work kicking rocks being like what am I 412 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:12,080 Speaker 3: doing right? And that wears away at happiness and can 413 00:18:12,119 --> 00:18:15,760 Speaker 3: also contribute to burnout. The third thing is impact, So 414 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:17,600 Speaker 3: those of us that are called a purpose driven work, 415 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,000 Speaker 3: we care about our impact and impact doesn't have to 416 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:23,040 Speaker 3: be like world changing. It can be family, community, or 417 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:26,040 Speaker 3: the greater good. So when you think about when you're 418 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:28,280 Speaker 3: exiting the planet, you know, what do you want to 419 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:30,520 Speaker 3: have made different for your family, community, or the greater good. 420 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:33,639 Speaker 3: Then the fourth thing is joy, So we want to 421 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:35,760 Speaker 3: feel a sense of joy in our contribution, and it 422 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,480 Speaker 3: doesn't have to be all the time. Like listen, I 423 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,680 Speaker 3: don't know anybody that feels joy one hundred percent of 424 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:40,520 Speaker 3: the time in their work. 425 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:42,000 Speaker 4: Definitely not right. 426 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:44,040 Speaker 3: Like, I love my job, and i'd say it's like 427 00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:45,280 Speaker 3: a seventy thirty. 428 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:47,240 Speaker 2: Well, everything's good job at the end of the day. 429 00:18:47,359 --> 00:18:49,000 Speaker 2: Like that's what I try to say to people too, 430 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:51,600 Speaker 2: it's it's still a job. So as much as I 431 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,320 Speaker 2: like my job, a lot of times in my day job, 432 00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:54,480 Speaker 2: a lot of people are like, oh, it must be 433 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:58,240 Speaker 2: so glamorous. Yes, And the more I do it, there's 434 00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:00,840 Speaker 2: things that come up and it is like every other 435 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,359 Speaker 2: job where there's issues in the workplace or it's draining, 436 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:04,800 Speaker 2: or you're burnout or anything like that. 437 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:06,920 Speaker 3: You have a difficult client, whatever it is, yes, or 438 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,480 Speaker 3: show us something exactly. And then the fifth part of 439 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,159 Speaker 3: the framework is needs. And this is the one that 440 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,320 Speaker 3: is like so often and forgotten. But we have to 441 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,320 Speaker 3: have our needs met in whatever we're doing. So the 442 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:17,640 Speaker 3: needs in terms of salary, in terms of time off, 443 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:20,239 Speaker 3: in terms of support staff. What are the things that 444 00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:22,760 Speaker 3: you need to show up and shine fully when it 445 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:26,200 Speaker 3: comes to what you're pivoting into. And I also believe 446 00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:29,440 Speaker 3: that like designing the pathway and the roadmap forward, knowing 447 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,719 Speaker 3: how much money you have, how long of a runway 448 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,520 Speaker 3: you have because of that money, all creates psychological safety 449 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,240 Speaker 3: that allows you to pivot successfully versus be panicked in 450 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:37,760 Speaker 3: your pivot. 451 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:41,439 Speaker 2: Well, let's talk about like refining success. Even because you 452 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,800 Speaker 2: mentioned joy and you mentioned needs, and I also think 453 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:47,679 Speaker 2: about that in terms of like happiness and contentment. So 454 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:51,280 Speaker 2: what are the differences with happiness and contentment and what 455 00:19:51,359 --> 00:19:53,919 Speaker 2: do we need to look at in regards to that 456 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:55,240 Speaker 2: involving our success. 457 00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:59,400 Speaker 3: Yes, great questions. So happiness is an emotion, but it's 458 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:02,080 Speaker 3: so it's therefore fleeting. But in the West, we're like 459 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,840 Speaker 3: kind of obsessed with happiness we're like, I want to 460 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:06,359 Speaker 3: be happy all the time, But that's actually kind of 461 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:10,399 Speaker 3: a fool's errands because emotions, emotion's energy in motion are 462 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:13,920 Speaker 3: meant to be changing all the time, okay, But contentment 463 00:20:14,119 --> 00:20:17,639 Speaker 3: is a more stable state. So in Eastern traditions, contentment 464 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:20,080 Speaker 3: is sort of like the desired state, and it loosely 465 00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:24,360 Speaker 3: translates to either the knowledge of enough or unconditional wholeness. 466 00:20:24,359 --> 00:20:27,040 Speaker 3: And I think that those are such beautiful definitions. And 467 00:20:27,119 --> 00:20:29,760 Speaker 3: so it's the idea of like contentment is riding the 468 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:32,080 Speaker 3: middle of the wave when life is up and down. Right, 469 00:20:32,119 --> 00:20:34,280 Speaker 3: It's like, we have this knowledge of enough, this unconditional 470 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:37,919 Speaker 3: wholeness regardless of what's happening, whereas happiness is an emotion 471 00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,800 Speaker 3: that changes from day to day, right, And all the 472 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:44,160 Speaker 3: data suggests that people that are the healthiest physically emotionally 473 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:47,520 Speaker 3: are ones that allow for emo diversity, which is emotional diversity, 474 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:49,520 Speaker 3: where we let and we welcome in all the emotions 475 00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:52,720 Speaker 3: from anger to sadness, to joy to happiness, all of it, 476 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:56,280 Speaker 3: versus clinging to this state of happiness. So when people 477 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:59,960 Speaker 3: are like so bent on finding the career that make 478 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:02,920 Speaker 3: some happiest all day, every day, I'm like, Okay, this 479 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,480 Speaker 3: is going to be challenging because everything changes, everything goes 480 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:09,000 Speaker 3: through cycles. We want to aim for contentment more so 481 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:10,320 Speaker 3: than we want to aim for happiness. 482 00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,880 Speaker 2: So I am an indeagram four, which I talk about 483 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:24,879 Speaker 2: a lot on this podcast, But enneagram four is a 484 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,800 Speaker 2: very comfortable feeling the range of emotions, Like I will 485 00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:30,840 Speaker 2: feel every type of emotion, sometimes to the point though 486 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:32,560 Speaker 2: where I could get stuck in the lower level of 487 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:35,320 Speaker 2: emotions because I'm just comfortable there, like it doesn't phase 488 00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:37,040 Speaker 2: me the way that it might phase other people. 489 00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:38,440 Speaker 4: So it's great for. 490 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:40,119 Speaker 2: Things like when some of them and any of my 491 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,760 Speaker 2: friends are going through grief, I'm the first call because 492 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,480 Speaker 2: they know I can sit with them and hold space 493 00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:47,280 Speaker 2: and have empathy in all of those things. Well, I 494 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:50,560 Speaker 2: just found out that my boyfriend is a seven, which 495 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:54,320 Speaker 2: is very much the person who wants to just stay 496 00:21:54,359 --> 00:21:57,480 Speaker 2: in happiness and the positive emotions. They want to avoid 497 00:21:57,680 --> 00:21:59,960 Speaker 2: the negative emotions at all costs. So it's a very 498 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:03,159 Speaker 2: very interesting dynamic obviously, and that's obviously coming up for 499 00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,640 Speaker 2: reasons like just certain conversations we've had in therapy. We've 500 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:09,359 Speaker 2: been like, oh, well here's that, and so we're seeing 501 00:22:09,359 --> 00:22:11,919 Speaker 2: the differences. I think they can both be beneficial if 502 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:13,800 Speaker 2: we learn how to respect the other number and like 503 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,639 Speaker 2: work together. But how does that play out if a 504 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:19,560 Speaker 2: person is someone like my boyfriend who's a seven, Like, 505 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:24,080 Speaker 2: it's not natural for them. They're everything in their body says, 506 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,760 Speaker 2: do not go dark, Like, let's stay positive, let's focus 507 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:30,359 Speaker 2: on those things. So how do they apply that to 508 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:33,760 Speaker 2: what we just said about success and job related things? 509 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:36,680 Speaker 2: Like they obviously want to feel good all the time, 510 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:40,080 Speaker 2: and so is their instinct going to be if they 511 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:42,160 Speaker 2: don't feel happy all the time to leave that job? 512 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,440 Speaker 2: And how do you navigate the differences there? 513 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,320 Speaker 3: It feels like the two of you have magnetized each 514 00:22:47,359 --> 00:22:48,560 Speaker 3: other for each other's soul. 515 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:50,560 Speaker 4: Sure right, yes, exactly. 516 00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:52,359 Speaker 3: You're down there all the time, he's up here all 517 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:54,040 Speaker 3: the time. Do you find the middle together? 518 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:54,879 Speaker 4: Exactly? 519 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:57,640 Speaker 3: It's so funny. I have besties that are like you, 520 00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:58,639 Speaker 3: that are like, oh, I love. 521 00:22:58,520 --> 00:22:58,960 Speaker 4: It down here. 522 00:22:58,960 --> 00:22:59,640 Speaker 3: I can hold it. 523 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,439 Speaker 4: All for you to tell you this. 524 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:04,280 Speaker 3: Really dark hard. Yes, the besties that are up here 525 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:06,080 Speaker 3: and that are like, I just want to live in 526 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:06,400 Speaker 3: the light. 527 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:07,080 Speaker 4: Yeah. 528 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:10,000 Speaker 3: And what I teach when I go into organizations and 529 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,639 Speaker 3: they bring me. In to do trainings around communication, I 530 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:15,480 Speaker 3: teach something called the platinum rule. So the golden rule 531 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,440 Speaker 3: is treat people how you want to be treated, right, 532 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,280 Speaker 3: But the platinum rule is treat people how they want 533 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:21,960 Speaker 3: to be treated. And in order to do that, we 534 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:26,000 Speaker 3: each have to flex our style. So your boyfriend would 535 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:28,320 Speaker 3: need to flex his style to come closer to you, 536 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:30,880 Speaker 3: to be a little bit more comfortable with the difference 537 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:33,200 Speaker 3: in the variants and emotions. You would need to flex 538 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:35,520 Speaker 3: your style to welcome a little bit more of the 539 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:36,000 Speaker 3: light in. 540 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,000 Speaker 4: Yes, and we can, like when we do it inch. 541 00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:40,280 Speaker 3: By inch, we can do it in a way that's 542 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,880 Speaker 3: really psychologically safe. So we're not saying to him, come 543 00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:45,680 Speaker 3: live in the underworld with me where it feels terrible. Yeah, 544 00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:47,760 Speaker 3: I'm not saying that you only live in like the 545 00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:50,880 Speaker 3: toxic positivity, which is also it's like this inch by 546 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:51,440 Speaker 3: inch thing. 547 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:52,000 Speaker 1: Yeah. 548 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,879 Speaker 3: And so when I have clients that like prefer to 549 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:58,399 Speaker 3: live in the positivity versus the fullness of the reality, 550 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:03,200 Speaker 3: I try to broaden the aperture because whatever we put 551 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:07,000 Speaker 3: up blinders to only becomes amplified over time. So we're 552 00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:10,200 Speaker 3: pretending that there's no quote unquote negativity or challenge, it's 553 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:12,439 Speaker 3: only going to become amplified. So we do need to 554 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,400 Speaker 3: look at it in a little We need to look 555 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:17,360 Speaker 3: at it, but there's ways to kind of psychologically safely 556 00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:21,160 Speaker 3: broaden the aperture. That doesn't feel like overnight, I'm asking 557 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:23,520 Speaker 3: them to be a wildly different person. So why would 558 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,439 Speaker 3: invite them to look at it and sit with it 559 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:28,160 Speaker 3: a little bit? Okay? And can we tolerate this? Can 560 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:29,920 Speaker 3: we tolerate a little bit more? Can we tolerate a 561 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,159 Speaker 3: little bit more? And then decide do we need to 562 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:33,320 Speaker 3: leave or find a new role? 563 00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:36,959 Speaker 2: Okay, So you're saying just basically, don't go to the extremes, 564 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:39,920 Speaker 2: like ask yourself the small questions. What is it that's 565 00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:43,439 Speaker 2: making me unhappy? Is that something I can tolerate? Or 566 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:45,600 Speaker 2: is that something I need to change instead of just 567 00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:47,800 Speaker 2: drastically going well, I'm not happy in quitting your job? 568 00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:48,600 Speaker 4: Right? 569 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,480 Speaker 3: Is there something that I can learn about this? 570 00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:50,840 Speaker 1: Right? 571 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,199 Speaker 3: Is there is teaching me something? Is it's growing me? 572 00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:55,359 Speaker 3: Or am I making it mean something? 573 00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:55,560 Speaker 1: Right? 574 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:57,160 Speaker 3: A lot of the times when we're having a hard 575 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,879 Speaker 3: time with the challenging emotion, we're making it mean something. 576 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,600 Speaker 3: Let's take anger, for example, when people are having a 577 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:04,920 Speaker 3: hard time sitting with somebody else's anger. It's usually because 578 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,439 Speaker 3: we're making it wrong or making it mean something. So 579 00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:09,840 Speaker 3: can I sit with that anger without making it mean something? 580 00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:10,120 Speaker 1: Oh? 581 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:11,639 Speaker 3: I did that? Okay, maybe I could sit with it 582 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:13,240 Speaker 3: a little bit more and see if we can grow 583 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:13,680 Speaker 3: from there. 584 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:16,720 Speaker 2: Okay, this may go back to the burnout question, but 585 00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:18,640 Speaker 2: it's something I didn't want to miss. You talk about 586 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:22,400 Speaker 2: the passion tax, and I find this really interesting because 587 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:25,159 Speaker 2: obviously we all are told go find your passion, Go 588 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:28,320 Speaker 2: chase your passion. If you find it, you're gonna have 589 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,560 Speaker 2: all this happiness, all this contentment, all the things we 590 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:33,359 Speaker 2: just talked about. But what is the passion tax and 591 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,399 Speaker 2: what do we need to be on the lookout for? 592 00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:35,800 Speaker 4: There? 593 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:39,280 Speaker 3: Yes, love this question. So the passion tax is when 594 00:25:39,359 --> 00:25:42,359 Speaker 3: we're really passionate about something and then other people or 595 00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:45,479 Speaker 3: our managers or organizations see that, then they ask us 596 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,399 Speaker 3: to do more of that thing, and then it becomes 597 00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:50,400 Speaker 3: basically an unpaid second job, and then we feel taxed 598 00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:52,960 Speaker 3: and burdened by the weight of it. So a great 599 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:54,879 Speaker 3: example is like when I worked in marketing before I 600 00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:57,280 Speaker 3: became a coach, I was a natural coach. So I 601 00:25:57,359 --> 00:25:59,480 Speaker 3: loved that. But then they're like, oh, she's such a 602 00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:02,480 Speaker 3: great coach. Put everybody on our team. Have her manage everybody. 603 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:04,919 Speaker 3: And then I was doing so much managing and so 604 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:07,399 Speaker 3: many developmental coaching sessions that I had no time for 605 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:09,640 Speaker 3: my actual job, and I was like, what is happening? 606 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:12,880 Speaker 3: And so we want to stay passionate about these things, 607 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,600 Speaker 3: but if we do too much of it and we're 608 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:17,159 Speaker 3: not supported in it, it becomes that invisible labor that 609 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:19,280 Speaker 3: can tip us into burnout. So it's really important that 610 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:22,560 Speaker 3: we have boundaries around it. And the other thing that 611 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:24,960 Speaker 3: I'll say too is, you know, we talk so much 612 00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:27,680 Speaker 3: about having passionate careers, but I don't actually think that's 613 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:30,399 Speaker 3: the way to go. I think purposeful careers are based 614 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:32,280 Speaker 3: on that five part framework we talked about a couple 615 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:36,760 Speaker 3: of minutes ago. Because passion, by nature, like emotions, is fickle. 616 00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:39,119 Speaker 3: They change all the time, Right Like when I was 617 00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:42,040 Speaker 3: a kid, I was like passionate about psychedelic colors, and 618 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,920 Speaker 3: you know, my my little ponies not really passionate about 619 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:48,000 Speaker 3: those things anymore. Because I have evolved, is a human right, 620 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:52,160 Speaker 3: exactly appropriate. And so if we anchor in the passions, 621 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:54,560 Speaker 3: we're going to feel a little boxed in and a 622 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:56,520 Speaker 3: little stuck, which is why purpose is a little bit 623 00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:58,160 Speaker 3: more expansive of an idea. 624 00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:00,760 Speaker 2: Well, I love that too, because you're talking about like 625 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:03,720 Speaker 2: a personality like mine, like a four. My emotions are 626 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:05,720 Speaker 2: different every day, and like we said, women are different 627 00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:08,680 Speaker 2: every day, and so if you're following your quote unquote passion, 628 00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:12,919 Speaker 2: it's probably going to change pretty consistently, and so that 629 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,600 Speaker 2: would be very confusing. I've definitely lived in a space 630 00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,600 Speaker 2: where I'm like, am I in the right career? Am 631 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,399 Speaker 2: I doing the right thing? Because there are days that 632 00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:24,040 Speaker 2: don't feel it's super exciting or super happy. But I 633 00:27:24,119 --> 00:27:26,000 Speaker 2: love that to not really put too much weight, like 634 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:29,480 Speaker 2: feelings aren't facts like we always hear and so letting 635 00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:31,400 Speaker 2: that kind of wash over you, but really leaning into 636 00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:33,639 Speaker 2: more of what your purpose is exactly. 637 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,119 Speaker 3: And I love what you said, feelings aren't facts their data. 638 00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:38,879 Speaker 4: Yeah, Oh that's perfect. Okay. 639 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,439 Speaker 2: Last question I want to get to is we are 640 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:44,720 Speaker 2: hearing so much about main character energy and I know 641 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:47,240 Speaker 2: I'm like, I want to have this main character energy 642 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:47,879 Speaker 2: in my life. 643 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:49,680 Speaker 4: What is this? It seems so exciting? 644 00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:53,040 Speaker 2: How do we find our own power and actually step 645 00:27:53,119 --> 00:27:56,639 Speaker 2: into that main character energy in our jobs, in our life, 646 00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:58,679 Speaker 2: in our purpose, all of those things. 647 00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:02,440 Speaker 3: Something tells me that you are in your main character energy. Think, okay, 648 00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:04,200 Speaker 3: I feel like this is real main character energy. 649 00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:05,320 Speaker 4: Yes, okay, good. 650 00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:07,920 Speaker 3: So one of the things I say to my clients 651 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:09,679 Speaker 3: all the time is that we are the center of 652 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:11,959 Speaker 3: our own lives, the center of our own experience. But 653 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:14,919 Speaker 3: so many of us feel really uncomfortable in that. We're like, okay, 654 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:18,600 Speaker 3: let me stand behind my partner or my manager or 655 00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:19,280 Speaker 3: my kids. 656 00:28:19,359 --> 00:28:19,520 Speaker 2: Right. 657 00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:22,120 Speaker 3: Taking up space feels really tricky for a lot of us. Yeah, 658 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,120 Speaker 3: we come to this world alone, we leave this world 659 00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:27,240 Speaker 3: alone or the center of our own experience, and so 660 00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:29,480 Speaker 3: I think it's really important that we understand who we 661 00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:30,919 Speaker 3: are and how to amplify that. 662 00:28:31,359 --> 00:28:31,679 Speaker 4: Okay. 663 00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:34,040 Speaker 3: And one of my favorite exercises to do with clients 664 00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:37,120 Speaker 3: is something called a self and not self exercise. So 665 00:28:37,359 --> 00:28:39,280 Speaker 3: I have them make two columns on a piece of paper, 666 00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:41,440 Speaker 3: and on the self side we write all the things 667 00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:45,880 Speaker 3: that we are at our core, so unapologetic, fiercely, loving, fabulous, 668 00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,120 Speaker 3: whatever those things are. And then in the other column 669 00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,360 Speaker 3: we write the not self themes, the things that come 670 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:52,760 Speaker 3: up when we're hiding or playing small. So maybe it's 671 00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:56,560 Speaker 3: people pleasing, lack of boundaries, low self worth, whatever it is. 672 00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:59,160 Speaker 3: And then I invite them to take inventory throughout the 673 00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:01,640 Speaker 3: week where they're being self and where they're being not self, 674 00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:04,280 Speaker 3: and what conditions are in place that support either one 675 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:07,400 Speaker 3: of those things, so they start to cultivate awareness around 676 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,520 Speaker 3: who they really are, and then they can kind of 677 00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:12,760 Speaker 3: turn the volume up on that main character energy. I 678 00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:15,840 Speaker 3: think is really important about main character energy is also 679 00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:21,000 Speaker 3: cultivating unbothered energy, which requires some nervous system tuning. So 680 00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:24,200 Speaker 3: when we stand in the fullness of our being, sometimes 681 00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:26,440 Speaker 3: that's going to rub people the wrong way right, they're 682 00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:29,560 Speaker 3: going to feel triggered or activated by it. So we 683 00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:31,600 Speaker 3: have to do the work on our side to be 684 00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:34,480 Speaker 3: rooted enough, to be to be grounded enough and regulated 685 00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:36,600 Speaker 3: enough in our nervous system that when we get are 686 00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:38,960 Speaker 3: on the receiving end of that of people not feeling 687 00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,480 Speaker 3: comfortable with our bigness, that we still feel like it's 688 00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:43,520 Speaker 3: safe to be that main character energy. 689 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:46,400 Speaker 2: Well, you answered my next question, so that was perfect 690 00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:49,160 Speaker 2: because if you go from the self to the not 691 00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:52,200 Speaker 2: self and you're seeing that difference, it is hard sometimes 692 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:53,840 Speaker 2: to let go of the not self, because that is 693 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:57,200 Speaker 2: also letting go of what people think and how people 694 00:29:57,240 --> 00:29:59,560 Speaker 2: react to you, and so it's you kind of want 695 00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:00,959 Speaker 2: to go back and of the not soelf because it's 696 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:02,120 Speaker 2: a little more comfortable that. 697 00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:05,320 Speaker 3: Way one percent. You know, like, I tell you all 698 00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:08,640 Speaker 3: about this exercise in two minutes, but it's like, in reality, 699 00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:12,600 Speaker 3: I've been working the last two years. I'm really giving 700 00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:15,160 Speaker 3: up people pleasing for good and that's been a tremendous 701 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:17,160 Speaker 3: amount of nervous system work. So I can give you 702 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:19,280 Speaker 3: this exercise in two minutes, but I've been two years 703 00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:20,800 Speaker 3: in the work, So I think that's a great thing 704 00:30:20,840 --> 00:30:21,320 Speaker 3: to highlight. 705 00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:23,520 Speaker 2: Well, when you say nervous system work, can you even 706 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:24,960 Speaker 2: expand on that just a little bit? 707 00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:28,240 Speaker 3: Yes. So I feel like for so long in the 708 00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:31,040 Speaker 3: personal development space, we were talking about mindset, which is 709 00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:35,080 Speaker 3: very important, but nervous system is almost before mindset. So 710 00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:38,400 Speaker 3: our nervous systems exist to keep us safe. They are 711 00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:43,000 Speaker 3: basically scanning our environment all the time to look for threats, 712 00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:45,560 Speaker 3: and then based on if there's a perceived threat, they'll 713 00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:48,520 Speaker 3: basically initiate a cascade of hormones that tells us how 714 00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:51,000 Speaker 3: to act right. So if we get a scary email 715 00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:54,240 Speaker 3: and our body's going to be like, oh my god, cortisol, adrenaline, 716 00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:56,480 Speaker 3: like release all these hormones, we need to run away. 717 00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:58,600 Speaker 3: But actually it's just a scary email and there's no 718 00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:02,480 Speaker 3: actual threat in the room. So we want to be 719 00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:05,720 Speaker 3: in relationship with our nervous system so that it acts appropriately. 720 00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:08,400 Speaker 3: And what I mean by that is is when we 721 00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:10,640 Speaker 3: get the email, there's actually no lion in the room, 722 00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:13,680 Speaker 3: right to the more appropriate response is that I'm not 723 00:31:14,280 --> 00:31:16,760 Speaker 3: in my sympathetic or fight or flight nervous system. I'm 724 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:20,200 Speaker 3: in my parasympathetic, rest and digest nervous system. And so 725 00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:23,920 Speaker 3: when our nervous systems are activated, then our mindset goes 726 00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:26,440 Speaker 3: on a journey too, right, So, yeah, I got this email, 727 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:28,640 Speaker 3: Oh my god, I'm gonna get fired whatever it is. 728 00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:30,440 Speaker 3: So we want to be working at the level of 729 00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:32,040 Speaker 3: the nervous system as well as at the level of 730 00:31:32,080 --> 00:31:35,040 Speaker 3: the mindset. And there's some really great somatic tools that 731 00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:36,800 Speaker 3: you can use to really help you there. 732 00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:39,960 Speaker 2: Okay, Well again, I just love so much that you're 733 00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:42,320 Speaker 2: making the connection to all the other work that I 734 00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:45,160 Speaker 2: talk about on this podcast to business, because I do 735 00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:47,440 Speaker 2: think that it's just across the board the same thing, 736 00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:49,280 Speaker 2: and it's really good for us to apply all of 737 00:31:49,320 --> 00:31:52,520 Speaker 2: those tools into our work life. I know you also 738 00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:55,440 Speaker 2: have a podcast, so if the listeners are hearing things 739 00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:57,840 Speaker 2: that they like to hear, and I'm assuming this would 740 00:31:57,840 --> 00:31:59,520 Speaker 2: be more of the kind of thing that you talk 741 00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:01,880 Speaker 2: about on your podcast, where would they find that. 742 00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:04,920 Speaker 3: Thank you so much for asking. So my podcast is 743 00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:08,400 Speaker 3: I'm going to Change your Life, and it's perfect your podcasts. 744 00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:11,320 Speaker 3: But I also have a book coming out in May, 745 00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:13,719 Speaker 3: which is officially on pre order right now too, and 746 00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:16,040 Speaker 3: I talk a lot about the topics that we covered 747 00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:18,160 Speaker 3: here today in the book, and you can get that 748 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:22,000 Speaker 3: everywhere you get your books, whether it's Barnes and Noble, Amazon, Target, 749 00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:23,320 Speaker 3: all those fabulous places. 750 00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:24,400 Speaker 4: Okay, amazing. 751 00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:26,400 Speaker 2: Well, I'll put all of this information as always in 752 00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:28,320 Speaker 2: the description of the podcast for you guys. I'm gonna 753 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:29,960 Speaker 2: thank you so much. I'm actually going to go back 754 00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:32,320 Speaker 2: and re listen to this and take notes on everything 755 00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:33,840 Speaker 2: you said and apply it to my own life. 756 00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:34,920 Speaker 4: So I really appreciate that. 757 00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:37,360 Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, Kelly, you are amazing. It was so 758 00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:40,040 Speaker 3: wonderful to sit with you today. I feel so filled up. 759 00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:40,920 Speaker 3: Thank you for everything. 760 00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:42,560 Speaker 4: Thank you guys for listening. 761 00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:46,160 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson, 762 00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:48,840 Speaker 1: where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a 763 00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:53,000 Speaker 1: little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty 764 00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:58,440 Speaker 1: and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts, 765 00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:00,160 Speaker 1: M