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Speaker 1: Hi everyone, Sophia Bush here. Welcome to Work in Progress,

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Speaker 1: where I talk to people who inspire me about how

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Speaker 1: they got to where they are and where they think

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Speaker 1: they're still going Today. Today, I am so thrilled to

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Speaker 1: interview my friend and a complete legend, Chelsea Hammler. She's

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Speaker 1: here to talk about her new book, which is called

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Speaker 1: Life Will Be the Death of Me, her brand new

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Speaker 1: Netflix documentary, Hello Privilege. It's me Chelsea, and she talks

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Speaker 1: so much about life and comedy, her personal awakening therapy,

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Speaker 1: learning to listen to your body. I know that might

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Speaker 1: sound a little intense, but neither of us is that

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Speaker 1: woo woo, So get ready, buckle up. We're going to

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Speaker 1: get into mental health, family, white privilege, Paul ticks, and

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Speaker 1: we're going to have a lot of laps while we

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Speaker 1: do it. Enjoy. I'm very excited that you're here. Thank

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Speaker 1: you for you. I'm always excited to see you. I'm

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Speaker 1: always excited to see you, and I know that we're

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Speaker 1: going to get on a more regular train and I'm

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Speaker 1: excited about it. Well, don't bring up trains. I should

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Speaker 1: bring up a train. Oy. I went sexual with that,

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Speaker 1: and you went to a much darker now I went

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Speaker 1: to the Holocaust. Okay, awesome, So I'm gonna scratch that

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Speaker 1: word from the record. Um, don't they do that in court?

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Speaker 1: They like hit the gavel and they scratch it and

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Speaker 1: they yeah and what yeah, this is my like RBG moment,

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Speaker 1: I'm I get stricken from the record. We should think

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Speaker 1: we should get her in here and do planks together.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely should. I also feel like maybe we should have

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Speaker 1: those neck doilies for people to who doesn't love her.

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Speaker 1: If you don't love her, then you are a Trump

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Speaker 1: supporter her little purple super Diva sweatshirt in the gym.

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Speaker 1: I can't just keep planking ruth um. But to tell

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Speaker 1: people are you need no introduction, but to tell people

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Speaker 1: how we happen to be sitting here together, how we

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Speaker 1: know each other. I first have to admit, um that

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Speaker 1: I was just I mean still am obviously, but before

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Speaker 1: I met you. So thanks for not ruining the party.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes they say don't meet your idols, and I disagree.

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Speaker 1: But I was such a huge fan of yours and

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Speaker 1: your show, and I was like, I was always in

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Speaker 1: and then I finally got to come on your show

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Speaker 1: and it was so much fun and you were so

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Speaker 1: nice and so welcoming. And I brought my parents because

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Speaker 1: my parents were also obsessed with you, and you know,

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Speaker 1: my mother's from New Jersey and she was like the

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Speaker 1: most excited and you were so sweet to them, and

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Speaker 1: it's like still a thing that when it comes up,

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Speaker 1: they're they're very excited. That's such a nice story. Thank you,

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Speaker 1: Charles and Maureen say hi, my mom's like I love that.

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Speaker 1: She's a crazy dog rescuer like me. Yeah, so how

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Speaker 1: are you. I'm good, I'm good, thank you. Yeah, awesome,

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Speaker 1: I've been I've been listening to your podcast and listening

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Speaker 1: to your sh awesome thank you. And the freaky thing

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Speaker 1: is is do you do you ever see people like

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Speaker 1: posting things on social media where you know there's some

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Speaker 1: meme about a realization or like dumping a bad boyfriend

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Speaker 1: or whatever, and someone will repost it and be like,

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Speaker 1: I feel attacked the number of times I've been listening

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Speaker 1: to your book and Dan Siegel is saying something to

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Speaker 1: you and I'm like, oh my god, I feel attacked.

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Speaker 1: I know he's the best. I saw him this morning. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: just I could of because I don't go to him

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Speaker 1: as much as I did when I was writing the

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Speaker 1: book because I feel like when you get that information,

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Speaker 1: you got to kind of like then go put it

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Speaker 1: into your real life without an interdependent relationship, Like I don't.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to be calling my therapist on the phone,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean. That's a step I don't

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Speaker 1: step too far from me. Yeah, you don't want to

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Speaker 1: be like I had a thought today. Yeah, Like he

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Speaker 1: was my dad's funeral last week or not last week

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Speaker 1: last I have no sense of time, So it was

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Speaker 1: probably a couple of months ago, like six months ago,

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Speaker 1: and he was like, you know, if anything comes up

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Speaker 1: at the funeral, I want you to know you can

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Speaker 1: call me. And I'm like, no, I'm not going to

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Speaker 1: call it. I'm like, even a funeral, I'm not gonna

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Speaker 1: call you. I'll talk to you when I get back. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I have a little bit of that where I'm like,

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Speaker 1: absolutely not. I refuse to tell you that I need

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Speaker 1: help with something. I'm good. Yeah. For anybody who's listening

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Speaker 1: who doesn't know, because we just really jumped right into this.

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Speaker 1: Dan Siegel is the therapist who is my psychiatrist. So

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Speaker 1: I wrote a book about him and my experience in

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Speaker 1: therapy because I had it just was a huge wake

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Speaker 1: up for me, and I was like, oh, I better

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Speaker 1: tell everybody about it. I love it. Though. It's like,

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Speaker 1: you know, in a world where I feel like we're

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Speaker 1: seeing more people feeling depressed, more people experiencing lethargy, more

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Speaker 1: people experiencing burnout, these conversations not to like be all

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Speaker 1: woo woo about it or to l a about it,

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Speaker 1: but they really are life saving. They really can be

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Speaker 1: the life preserver to somebody who feels like they're drowning

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Speaker 1: and it. I think it's very brave what you're doing. Well,

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Speaker 1: thank you. I think it's important to you know, I

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Speaker 1: was somebody who pooh pooed all of that for a

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Speaker 1: really long time. Like meditation was one of those words

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Speaker 1: that I was not interested in hearing. It was overused

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Speaker 1: usually about crystals, the same crystals, manifest universe, all of

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Speaker 1: that jazz is something that kind of repelled me for

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Speaker 1: a long time, and crystals pretty much still do. But

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Speaker 1: you know, like I just it was a world that

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Speaker 1: I thought was to l a. It just to me,

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Speaker 1: it personified everything, like everyone's who is in this town

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Speaker 1: being a narcissist, you know, Like I have a TV

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Speaker 1: show named after me, I have books that I have

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Speaker 1: my name on them, and then I go and talk

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Speaker 1: to a therapist about myself for two hours a night.

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Speaker 1: Like that wasn't in my plan. I thought it was

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Speaker 1: too cool for that and too smart. Was there another

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Speaker 1: side of the coin, though, we're like, maybe you're like

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Speaker 1: I have my ship together obviously, like look, I'm on billboards.

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Speaker 1: But was there also a side of you that thought,

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Speaker 1: look at all the stuff I have, I don't deserve

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Speaker 1: to be sad. I don't deserve to be struggling, Like

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Speaker 1: what what's my pain compared to like all the people

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Speaker 1: suffering out there in the world, Like I, yeah, I

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Speaker 1: I I didn't think I got I didn't think I

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Speaker 1: got to be in pain because I didn't think like

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Speaker 1: I wasn't raped, I wasn't molested repeatedly throughout my childhood.

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Speaker 1: I thought that was what trauma was. I didn't think

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Speaker 1: my brother dying was traumatic. And I mean, I knew

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Speaker 1: it was on a guttural level, obviously because it was

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Speaker 1: so painful, But I had shut myself down and at

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Speaker 1: the age of nine, and you know what my psychiatrist

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Speaker 1: so eloquently explained to me over and over and over again,

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Speaker 1: that a nine year old does not have the ability

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Speaker 1: to think about the situation in a whole way, Like

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Speaker 1: you're not developed enough with that vocabulary to understand that

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Speaker 1: death is an accident, not a rejection. So when you don't,

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Speaker 1: you kind of get stuck at the age. That trauma

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Speaker 1: happens if you don't work yourself through it. And I

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Speaker 1: didn't work through it because my family kind of, you know,

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Speaker 1: we all fell apart at that time, and my father

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Speaker 1: really fell apart. So I didn't go to a therapist

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Speaker 1: until it was clear in high school, many years later

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Speaker 1: that I had some serious issues. But at that point

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Speaker 1: I wasn't ready to talk to anybody. I would sit

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Speaker 1: there with my arms folded, and any therapist who couldn't

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Speaker 1: get anything out of me was another win, you know,

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Speaker 1: Like my parents like, you have to go to see

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Speaker 1: a shrink, you know, we don't know what's wrong with you,

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Speaker 1: and and I just sit there, you know, and and

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Speaker 1: and they'd give up. They're like, we can't do anything

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Speaker 1: with her. She won't talk. And I'm like, yep, because

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Speaker 1: adults are unreliable because they lie. And so I hated

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Speaker 1: all persons of authority because it's like what what I

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Speaker 1: learned was, Oh, my brother's gonna tell me, he's gonna

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Speaker 1: be right back. He said, I'll never leave you with

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Speaker 1: these people talking about my parents, and then he died.

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Speaker 1: And for me, that was like being broken up with

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Speaker 1: with nobody calling you back, you know, like you're in

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Speaker 1: a relationship for nine years and the guy never calls

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Speaker 1: you back out of the blue. And when Dan put

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Speaker 1: it to me in that in those terms, I then

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Speaker 1: was able to finally I feel sorry for my little

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Speaker 1: nine year old girls self, whereas I never had compassion

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Speaker 1: for myself. And when you don't have compassion for yourself,

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Speaker 1: which is kind of the biggest lesson, you're not great

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Speaker 1: to other people. You have to be good to you.

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Speaker 1: You said something that was so again like not to

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Speaker 1: be l a and crystally, but I was like, damn,

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Speaker 1: that's a brave thing to admit. Where you were talking

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Speaker 1: in the book about realizing that you are one of

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Speaker 1: the most sympathetic and generous friends. Sure like you show

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Speaker 1: up for people, you fly places for people, like you'll

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Speaker 1: you'll rescue people from any kind of darkness they find themselves.

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Speaker 1: And if there are people that you love and maybe

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Speaker 1: a stranger um which bold move, but you said that

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Speaker 1: that's not the same as empathy, and like when you

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Speaker 1: close yourself off from your own deepest feelings, you can't

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Speaker 1: feel those things for with other people. And like that

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Speaker 1: that was a there was a clarity in the way

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Speaker 1: that you talked about it where I was like, Wow,

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Speaker 1: I don't know that I've ever heard somebody phrase something

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Speaker 1: like that before. Yeah, I didn't know about empathy. I

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Speaker 1: didn't know that I lacked it. I didn't know that

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Speaker 1: I had a deficit. You know, I thought I was sympathetic,

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Speaker 1: but I knew something was wrong because I had so

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Speaker 1: much anger and I you know, I after the election.

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Speaker 1: I know you felt this way too, because we've spoken

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Speaker 1: about this athlet and we're both very public about which

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Speaker 1: I applaud you for because not everybody is. But I

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Speaker 1: think it's so necessary, and I know you feel the same.

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Speaker 1: I really appreciate that because there's like people who tell

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Speaker 1: me I deserve to like, you know, have my head

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Speaker 1: cut off and have strangers fuck my corpse. So I

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Speaker 1: really any any amount of kindness for what we choose

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Speaker 1: to do, the sort of boldness and like telling the

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Speaker 1: truth that what's happening right now, it's not like, I'm sorry,

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Speaker 1: I'm not being a fake celebrity with a fake persona

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Speaker 1: online and I'm sorry that I'm trying to fight for

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Speaker 1: the country that i live in because it's into and

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Speaker 1: that I'm a negative person. You're negative, you're negative, or

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Speaker 1: you're angry, you're so angry. It's like, yeah, I'm fucking angry.

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Speaker 1: There are kids in caging. I'm angry, and I don't

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Speaker 1: even like kids. That makes me fucking angry. I really

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Speaker 1: do like kids, but I'm also and I'm also very

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Speaker 1: angry about that. And it's like, I think you have

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Speaker 1: to be a bit detached from reality not to be

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Speaker 1: And this whole idea that, uh, it's about parties, I'm

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Speaker 1: like no, because let me tell you what, if Barack

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Speaker 1: Obama had put kids in cages, I would have been

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Speaker 1: just as mad. Like there are things that are just

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Speaker 1: wrong and if and if you ignore wrongness for party

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Speaker 1: or person, it's like, so, what you're telling me is

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Speaker 1: that you don't actually have standards because they don't just apply.

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Speaker 1: If your standards are malleable depending on who's committing the offense.

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Speaker 1: You don't have a standard. You have like an opinion

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Speaker 1: and could probably be swayed with a cocktail and I

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Speaker 1: don't trust you, right right. It's funny to see what

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Speaker 1: these people fight for, you know, Like Ted Cruise was

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Speaker 1: in the paper today talking about fighting for Texas because

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Speaker 1: of the tariffs to Mexico, and it's like, oh, now

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Speaker 1: you're gonna you didn't have a problem with kids in

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Speaker 1: cages in Texas. This is your issue now, okay, Like

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Speaker 1: what is there any morality? You know? And that's I

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Speaker 1: think that's why it's so important, you know, And it's

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Speaker 1: and it's you know what I learned through therapy about

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Speaker 1: this whole because I was so outraged and so angry,

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Speaker 1: and I had veins popping out of my neck. I

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Speaker 1: was going into lounges at airports looking for the fox,

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Speaker 1: like looking for the Fox people to confront them, like

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Speaker 1: that's where I was at. And I was like, this

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Speaker 1: is not working for me, Like this level of outrage

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Speaker 1: doesn't It's I don't know why. I just imagined you,

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Speaker 1: like as a small child, but in your body being

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Speaker 1: like where are they like tearing through the first place

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Speaker 1: like Emirates lounge or whatever. That's a very funny image

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Speaker 1: to me, And uh, I just learned and I read

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Speaker 1: it in the Rebecca Soul that has a great book

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Speaker 1: where she talks about activism and that like, you know,

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Speaker 1: everything has to be out of five. You have to

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Speaker 1: look at the long like every incident can't be an eruption.

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Speaker 1: Every incident is part of the reason why you fight

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Speaker 1: for the cause that you fight for, because it's a marathon,

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Speaker 1: you know, when when you look at the length of time,

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Speaker 1: that real change cat you know, requires It's like I

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Speaker 1: I talked to a lot of young kids about this stuff.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I just need you to understand the activism

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Speaker 1: isn't sexy. It isn't like the win you get to

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Speaker 1: have on a Saturday night. It's not that if you're

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Speaker 1: going to commit to something, you have to commit to

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Speaker 1: showing up even when you don't want to, learning doing

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Speaker 1: the next right thing, and also admitting when the thing

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Speaker 1: that you thought was right maybe wasn't, and then doing

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Speaker 1: the next right thing after that. Like it's it's a

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Speaker 1: long experience. It's like being married to somebody and and

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Speaker 1: you know, having no intimate relationship, but hopefully you raise

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Speaker 1: a good child, like you're you're you're hoping to create

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Speaker 1: a product that may not actually affect you, but it

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Speaker 1: might affect you know, other people who need help. It

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Speaker 1: might affect the next generation. It's like, why all this

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Speaker 1: climate science denial is so crazy to me? I'm like, hello,

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Speaker 1: the ice has melted, Like there's no denying, So let's

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Speaker 1: do something instead of keep pretending that there's something to

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Speaker 1: win here, Like what do you want to win at

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Speaker 1: Bag of Bones? It's very strange. We're talking obviously a

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Speaker 1: lot about therapy and what you learned, and you put

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Speaker 1: it in a book, which is amazing. It's called Life

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Speaker 1: Will Be the Death of Me and you too. Have

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Speaker 1: you been surprised by the response from this book because

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Speaker 1: it it's obviously very funny, but it explores such deep

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Speaker 1: um and vulnerable things, and it it's different than other

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Speaker 1: things that you've written. What what's kind of the what's

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Speaker 1: the conversation you're on the receiving end up? Now, Well,

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Speaker 1: I'm doing a book tour, so I go around to

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Speaker 1: all these different cities in the country. So far, I

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Speaker 1: just extended it so it's gonna I'm adding states and

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Speaker 1: stuff I'm gonna turn it into. So what I've been

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Speaker 1: doing is people are different. People are interviewing like in

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Speaker 1: different cities like Connie needed person. Yeah, well, thank you.

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Speaker 1: It's almost over that leg of the tour that I

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Speaker 1: appreciate it. Uh, Like Connie Britten interviewed me in Austin

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Speaker 1: and Dallas, Jake Tapper did d C, and Sarah Silverman

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Speaker 1: did San Francisco. Natasha Leone interviewed me in New York.

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Speaker 1: So we have just kind of like a badly And

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Speaker 1: that's why I got into the podcast because they're like,

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Speaker 1: what what about the people can and can't you know,

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Speaker 1: go and see you perform? And I was like, well,

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Speaker 1: and they said, what if we do a limited series podcasts?

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Speaker 1: So it's like all of us are getting all these podcasts.

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Speaker 1: It's so funny that we all just you get a podcast,

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Speaker 1: and you mean, it's so nice. It's just like the

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Speaker 1: easiest thing in the world, and it's so natural. And

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Speaker 1: we didn't have to put on escara. No I did

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Speaker 1: put on escara this morning because I was struggling a

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Speaker 1: little with my look. Um, but yeah, I so I tried.

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Speaker 1: I did a tour and then once I started having

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Speaker 1: these conversations on stage about the book and seeing the

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Speaker 1: response from the book, and you know, um, I thought

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Speaker 1: for sure I wasn't gonna be number one this time.

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Speaker 1: I had to like literally talk to my therapist about

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Speaker 1: I'm like, listen, I'm I've been ego driven for a

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Speaker 1: very long time, so I have to be okay if

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Speaker 1: I'm not number one. Because Michelle Obama was like, you know,

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Speaker 1: at the top of the list, and she had been

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Speaker 1: you know, somebody else had been number one once but

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Speaker 1: then she went back up. So when I got number

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Speaker 1: one without having a TV show and all the support

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Speaker 1: that I normally had when I had books, I was like,

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Speaker 1: I was so prepared to not be first place, Like

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Speaker 1: this is the thing I'm working on in life, is

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Speaker 1: like I don't want to be competitive, you know, And

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Speaker 1: I've never really been like that, but I've been self.

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Speaker 1: I think about my I thought about myself way more

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Speaker 1: than I was thinking about other people. Not competitive, but

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Speaker 1: I was just so in my own lane, almost not

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Speaker 1: paying attention to anything, not caring what anybody thought, and

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Speaker 1: also just being so hyper focused on myself. And it

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Speaker 1: just came to a point where I had to look

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Speaker 1: around and it was the election for me. You know,

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Speaker 1: I've been generous and nice to my friends and family

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Speaker 1: and intimates, but what am I doing for people that

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Speaker 1: are not in my life. And that's when I had

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Speaker 1: the wake up call about the racism and the sexism

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Speaker 1: in this country. I think everyone had a wake up

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Speaker 1: call to to elect somebody who was caught saying, grab

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Speaker 1: him by the pussy is our president? Is just such

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Speaker 1: a funk you to women. It is so disrespectful on

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Speaker 1: so many levels. And the women that voted for him,

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Speaker 1: you know. So all of that stuff made me really

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Speaker 1: dig deep because I had to realize that my life.

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Speaker 1: I was acting like a spoiled brat after the election,

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Speaker 1: like how could this happen? How could this happen? How

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Speaker 1: could this happened? And I was thinking about my life.

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Speaker 1: Nothing has changed in my life through these two years,

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Speaker 1: other than just having like probably high blood pressure. Nothing

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Speaker 1: has changed. Nothing's real, nothing financial, nothing anything. And you know,

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Speaker 1: and I just started reading a lot more than I had,

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Speaker 1: and I was starting to read lots a lot more

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Speaker 1: black authors and to really like understand how spoiled my

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Speaker 1: life has been. You know, I've had struggles, and I've

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Speaker 1: had heartbreak and my brother died. Yes, but I was

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Speaker 1: I never got everything came easy, you know, it was

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Speaker 1: I would be badly behaved or you know what people,

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Speaker 1: the norms of society would deem badly behaved. You know.

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Speaker 1: I'd write talk about drinking and doing drugs, and people

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Speaker 1: gave me TV shows and book deals, and I was

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Speaker 1: rewarded for all the things that if I wasn't white

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Speaker 1: and pretty, I wouldn't have gotten at that time. And

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Speaker 1: so I always thought, oh, I worked really hard. Nobody

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Speaker 1: works harder than me. And the reality was like, no,

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Speaker 1: you're fucking lucky too. You're fucking lucky that you were

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Speaker 1: born in a place where you got an education, that

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Speaker 1: you were never starving. I was never hungry, I was

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Speaker 1: never sexually assaulted. I've been fucking lucky, and that's of it,

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Speaker 1: you know. So I wanted to add on to that

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Speaker 1: with something with more depth. I wanted to add knowledge

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Speaker 1: and I you know, and I've been kind of even

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Speaker 1: before the election, I had been steering off in that

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Speaker 1: direction because after eight years of Chelsea Lately, I know,

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Speaker 1: you know that people who loved that show really loved

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Speaker 1: that show. But for me, I had to grow up more,

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Speaker 1: you know, and I had to have evolution. And so

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Speaker 1: when I went to Netflix, I was trying to become

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Speaker 1: more of an adult. But I hadn't done the inside work.

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Speaker 1: It was like, you know, I did externally. I was like,

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Speaker 1: let's make it more serious, let's talk to politicians, let's

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Speaker 1: get involved, and let's do social activism and and bring

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Speaker 1: awareness to things. But I hadn't done the work on

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Speaker 1: myself yet. So by the time the election came around,

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Speaker 1: that's when I was like, spun it. You know, I

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Speaker 1: just spun out with that result. And at that point

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Speaker 1: then I couldn't work. I was like, I can't do this.

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Speaker 1: I have to go campaign, I have to go meet

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Speaker 1: these people. And you know, I thought I was going

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Speaker 1: to just like fix the crisis. That's my personality, like

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Speaker 1: I'm going to go fix the election, which is thankfully

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Speaker 1: millions of people felt the same way. So we actually

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Speaker 1: did have a great result in the midterms. But that's

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Speaker 1: what I was focused on. And during that time, you know,

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Speaker 1: I said, let me go see a shrink. This guy

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Speaker 1: had met on my TV show. Actually I interviewed him

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Speaker 1: um for a segment on like adolescent you know, brain development,

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Speaker 1: which is perfect because I found out I was basically

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Speaker 1: like nine years old emotionally for the last thirty years.

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Speaker 1: You're like, oh might yeah, So that's that's what happened. Wow.

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Speaker 1: And I'm grateful for it because now I see a

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Speaker 1: lot more clearly. You know, it changes your perspective on everything.

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Speaker 1: I feel like, you know, I don't like the word

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Speaker 1: awakening or enlightened just because of all the woo. But

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Speaker 1: I think there are many wake up calls in life

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Speaker 1: and it's up to you to answer the phone. Right

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Speaker 1: You're like, am I going to continue to hit snooze

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Speaker 1: or am I going to go for this? And I

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Speaker 1: do think, I mean to your point shared rage. Like, literally,

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Speaker 1: I have a I have a gray streak in my head.

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Speaker 1: Now it's not a few gray hairs, it's like a

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Speaker 1: chunk of hair. It is a shop. My hairdresser was like,

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Speaker 1: are you okay? And I was like, no, I'm not okay.

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Speaker 1: You're like turning the news on, Like how could anybody

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Speaker 1: be okay? Were you addicted to the news, like I

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Speaker 1: was like the news cycle or did you not do that? Oh? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: And I think for me, especially leading into the election,

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Speaker 1: you know, I was still working acting on a TV show, uh,

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Speaker 1: and so people were like losing their ship because I

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Speaker 1: wouldn't get off my phone. And I was like, what

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Speaker 1: about the fact that I am consuming news at a

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Speaker 1: speed at which you would think that somebody would need

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Speaker 1: to be popping an adderall every hour to get through.

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Speaker 1: But I'm I'm fueling myself with rage, not amphetamines. I

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Speaker 1: couldn't look away. I was reading every article, I was

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Speaker 1: reading every analysis. I was looking at at you know,

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Speaker 1: I wanted to know what was happening in the newspapers

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Speaker 1: in Ohio, and the newspapers in Florida, and the newspapers

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Speaker 1: in l a and the news. It was like it

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Speaker 1: was manic because I too couldn't understand how basic decency

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Speaker 1: could be so quickly cast aside. And it required a

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Speaker 1: sort of larger analysis for me of what hopelessness can

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Speaker 1: feel like in different communities and and what and and

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Speaker 1: at how you know the PR machine can work. Like

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Speaker 1: Donald Trump is a fucking idiot, but he's good at

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Speaker 1: publicizing himself because he learned to do that on a

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Speaker 1: reality show. He's good at he's good at lying, you

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Speaker 1: could say, but he's not really that good at it.

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Speaker 1: It's like people are are gullible. I mean, any clear

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Speaker 1: headed person would look at a man like that screaming

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Speaker 1: and yelling and going this guy and say this guy

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Speaker 1: is not equipped to be the president of the United States.

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Speaker 1: He can't string a sentence together. He's never answered one

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Speaker 1: question on policy in his entire presidency, and he just

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Speaker 1: like stalked around on the debate stage like you know,

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Speaker 1: an animal. Yeah, and we fell for it. So what

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Speaker 1: does it say about society? I think that there is

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Speaker 1: a lot more people becoming awake because of this. And

427
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,560
Speaker 1: they're like, you know, even the meditation apps that are

428
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,760
Speaker 1: all out there, calm, I meditate now, Calm headspace. I

429
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:08,800
Speaker 1: love headspace and voices and breathe and like yeah, and

430
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,000
Speaker 1: and it's like there's a reason why everybody has that.

431
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,040
Speaker 1: There's a reason, like these two things happen at the

432
00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:15,880
Speaker 1: same time, like a level of raising, raising of consciousness

433
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:20,000
Speaker 1: comes at the same time that this reality television stars

434
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,560
Speaker 1: the president of the United States. And I think that

435
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:26,320
Speaker 1: for a lot of people who naively believed, like, look

436
00:21:26,359 --> 00:21:29,720
Speaker 1: at us, we're solving things. We elected a black president,

437
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:33,040
Speaker 1: we we have a female candidate, we are doing all

438
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,600
Speaker 1: this big progress. It's like, what wasn't being talked about,

439
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:38,480
Speaker 1: at least not in places I was aware of. And

440
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,240
Speaker 1: I do read a lot of the news, but also

441
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:43,040
Speaker 1: I'm very aware that white privilege is a real thing,

442
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,760
Speaker 1: and that there were things that I wasn't reading before

443
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:50,800
Speaker 1: or or not enough of before. Um. But I didn't

444
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:55,800
Speaker 1: learn until this fallout from the Trump disaster that after

445
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:59,840
Speaker 1: Barack Obama got elected, the number of young black men

446
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:03,199
Speaker 1: being shot by the police started increasing. There was like

447
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:07,199
Speaker 1: this direct correlation, and there so so to me, it

448
00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:14,880
Speaker 1: was so indicative of this base, insidious, subconscious, tribalistic grossness

449
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:16,760
Speaker 1: that I think a lot of us have wanted to

450
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:21,639
Speaker 1: assume we've grown past in the early you know, in

451
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:24,399
Speaker 1: the early two thousand's, and it's like, no, you know,

452
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:26,440
Speaker 1: think about what we were doing a hundred years ago.

453
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:30,080
Speaker 1: We were a disaster. So we have to continue to

454
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:32,919
Speaker 1: do the work as though we're on the precipice of

455
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:36,320
Speaker 1: falling back into the disaster pit, because clearly we are.

456
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:43,480
Speaker 1: We fell back in. And I think it's incredible to

457
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:47,399
Speaker 1: see people who are waking up to these things, to

458
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:50,159
Speaker 1: see people who are saying, I thought I knew, or

459
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:52,840
Speaker 1: I'm embarrassed I didn't know, or I thought that I knew,

460
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,120
Speaker 1: and I'm embarrassed I didn't know. More. Whatever, your sort

461
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:59,080
Speaker 1: of personal spaces to find yourself in a space and

462
00:22:59,119 --> 00:23:01,600
Speaker 1: say I wasn't aware of this part or that part,

463
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,200
Speaker 1: or any of my privilege, and I want to fix it.

464
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,600
Speaker 1: You know that that's the only sort of silver lining

465
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,840
Speaker 1: of this situation to me. It is it's like, you know,

466
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,320
Speaker 1: I just shot a film for Netflix, a documentary about

467
00:23:13,359 --> 00:23:17,600
Speaker 1: white privilege called Hello Privilege. It's me Chelsea, because you

468
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,160
Speaker 1: really do need to. You know, if you're not part

469
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:22,080
Speaker 1: of the solution, then you're part of the problem. And

470
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:26,119
Speaker 1: if you're benefiting from white privilege, which we all are, um,

471
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,439
Speaker 1: then you're part of the problem. So you have to

472
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:31,080
Speaker 1: use your platform. I mean, I feel so passionately now

473
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:34,000
Speaker 1: in my life, thank goodness that I'm here, and and

474
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:37,280
Speaker 1: and you know that that I I have to. It's

475
00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:40,960
Speaker 1: about making a contribution, not cashing a check. It's like, Okay,

476
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,639
Speaker 1: I've got this, I'm gonna use it. I can I

477
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,760
Speaker 1: have a career, I can pretty much do whatever I

478
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:48,080
Speaker 1: want whenever I want. Why not do the good stuff?

479
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:50,960
Speaker 1: Why not make do you know, write a book that

480
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:53,680
Speaker 1: is so meaningful that that people can say, oh my god,

481
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:55,879
Speaker 1: you're telling my story, this is what happened to me,

482
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,880
Speaker 1: or this is why I was so angry, And now

483
00:23:57,920 --> 00:23:59,520
Speaker 1: it makes sense, and I want to go to therapy

484
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:02,560
Speaker 1: like that's a good contribution. It's not just me stroking

485
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:05,000
Speaker 1: my own ego. Going Look, I wrote another book. It's

486
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:08,160
Speaker 1: about giving something away, you know what I mean. And

487
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,560
Speaker 1: and with the documentary it was, you know, I still

488
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:12,159
Speaker 1: want to have fun and be stupid and silly and

489
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,080
Speaker 1: all of those things. But we have we have a

490
00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:18,080
Speaker 1: real situation right now, and so everything any like enlightenment

491
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:19,800
Speaker 1: that any of us can bring to the table, it's

492
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:22,760
Speaker 1: our responsibility to do so. Yeah, I think so too.

493
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:28,879
Speaker 1: Why you think that white people get so upset about

494
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:32,720
Speaker 1: talking about white privilege because they don't want to say

495
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:36,600
Speaker 1: the wrong thing and they don't want to First of all,

496
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:39,320
Speaker 1: no one can ask real questions. People are so scared,

497
00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:42,040
Speaker 1: you know. If I you know, in the trans community,

498
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:43,919
Speaker 1: I want to understand the pronouns. I want to understand.

499
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,960
Speaker 1: I want to be your ally, So please tell me

500
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:47,760
Speaker 1: how to be a better ally and advocate for you

501
00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:51,040
Speaker 1: and any marginalized community, you know, because we're in the

502
00:24:51,119 --> 00:24:54,600
Speaker 1: un marginalized community. Even though we're women, we are white,

503
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:58,440
Speaker 1: and we have had nice lives, you know. And uh,

504
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,400
Speaker 1: for the most part, there's never been an a real,

505
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:04,119
Speaker 1: real struggle for me, um, and that's that's not the

506
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:05,840
Speaker 1: way it is for everybody else, And so close a

507
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:09,280
Speaker 1: blind eye to that is is so disrespectful to so

508
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:12,320
Speaker 1: many people. It's also disrespectful to yourself, you know. People.

509
00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:15,080
Speaker 1: The most common term you hear are when you're talking

510
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:19,040
Speaker 1: to conservatives or people who think that you're accusing them

511
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,080
Speaker 1: of being racist, is like, I'm never really, I don't

512
00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:23,040
Speaker 1: see any racism. I don't see you know. The first

513
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:24,680
Speaker 1: thing they say is like, I'm good with black people.

514
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:26,520
Speaker 1: I had a black friend, And you're like, okay, well

515
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:30,280
Speaker 1: that's so sounds so racist, or I wouldn't any I've

516
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,359
Speaker 1: never noticed any racism. We were out and we were

517
00:25:32,359 --> 00:25:35,520
Speaker 1: in Georgia at this like very like white community, you know,

518
00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:37,840
Speaker 1: one of those private communities, and I was talking to

519
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:40,760
Speaker 1: some women there and she's like, I've never seen any rate,

520
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:43,359
Speaker 1: I've never seen any racism. And I'm like, but would

521
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:47,239
Speaker 1: you are you looking out for that? You're white with

522
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:49,040
Speaker 1: a bunch of white people. Where would you see it?

523
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:52,680
Speaker 1: So it's about opening your minds. And you know, a

524
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,400
Speaker 1: lot of these people haven't ever had their thinking challenged,

525
00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:58,399
Speaker 1: so they haven't been out of a small town or

526
00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:01,640
Speaker 1: and they don't know black people, so you know, it's

527
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:03,480
Speaker 1: all about like that stuff, you know. And it was

528
00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:06,960
Speaker 1: very self incriminating in a way, not incriminating, that's not

529
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:09,639
Speaker 1: the right word, but it was like, Oh, I'm just

530
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:11,800
Speaker 1: like I live in bel Air. I moved from l A.

531
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:13,600
Speaker 1: From New Jersey where there was one black kid in

532
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,560
Speaker 1: my school. I moved to l A. I lived in Brentwood,

533
00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:18,920
Speaker 1: Santa Monica, and now I live in bel Air. So

534
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:20,880
Speaker 1: who the funk am I? You know what I mean,

535
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:24,480
Speaker 1: I'm doing exactly what other white people do is, which

536
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:27,359
Speaker 1: is go around other white people that's comfortable. Go what

537
00:26:27,359 --> 00:26:29,840
Speaker 1: you're comfortable with, how you were raised. No, what I

538
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:32,560
Speaker 1: need to do is go live somewhere more diverse, not

539
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:35,480
Speaker 1: bell Air. So that's why I'm trying to sell my house,

540
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,800
Speaker 1: and that's why we're here today, Sophia. I'm putting my

541
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:41,320
Speaker 1: house on the market. On this podcasts, the conversation we're

542
00:26:41,359 --> 00:26:48,399
Speaker 1: going to do an ad read quickly com is the

543
00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:54,439
Speaker 1: Hilton Family Hotel. Yeah, Hilton Hotel. Oh, it's like it's

544
00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:58,920
Speaker 1: really big. It's not. It's mini hotel, like a little

545
00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:02,040
Speaker 1: mini hotel. So for most of us, that's really big, Yeah,

546
00:27:02,119 --> 00:27:05,480
Speaker 1: it's bad. Okay, all right, well maybe we'll rerecord that

547
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:07,119
Speaker 1: at all. Anyway, I'm going to go move to a

548
00:27:07,119 --> 00:27:09,160
Speaker 1: black neighborhood, is what I'm gonna say. What I'm gonna

549
00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:10,960
Speaker 1: That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna sell my house

550
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:13,679
Speaker 1: and then, yes, but we're all guilty of it in

551
00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:26,600
Speaker 1: some ways. We just have to be more aware. One

552
00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:28,680
Speaker 1: of the things that I that I think, if I may,

553
00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:33,480
Speaker 1: that is really important is separating the person from whiteness

554
00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:35,920
Speaker 1: when you talk about it, because what I find is

555
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:38,679
Speaker 1: that people will say like, show me my privilege, show me,

556
00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:40,320
Speaker 1: and I'm like, no, no, no no, no, I'm not saying

557
00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:42,640
Speaker 1: your life hasn't been hard. I'm not saying you haven't

558
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:44,520
Speaker 1: been through trauma. I'm not saying you haven't been through

559
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,920
Speaker 1: assault or violence or poverty or any of those things.

560
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:50,440
Speaker 1: I'm just saying that your race didn't add to that.

561
00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:53,440
Speaker 1: Your race didn't prevent you from getting a mortgage, the

562
00:27:54,119 --> 00:27:57,040
Speaker 1: name that goes on your job application, didn't prevent you

563
00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:59,800
Speaker 1: from getting an interview. Um, all of these things that

564
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:02,440
Speaker 1: are so proven in the data science. It's like, as

565
00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:05,760
Speaker 1: as white women, we are not four times more likely

566
00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,760
Speaker 1: to die giving birth that as black women are like,

567
00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:11,479
Speaker 1: that's just a disparity that should upset all of us,

568
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:17,000
Speaker 1: and especially if we talk about being um into community

569
00:28:17,119 --> 00:28:18,800
Speaker 1: or wanting to make the world a better place, we

570
00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:23,479
Speaker 1: have to look at that information. And and so I

571
00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:26,800
Speaker 1: think that reminding people that it's like, you may not

572
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:30,520
Speaker 1: be paying into a system of privilege, but you were

573
00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:32,720
Speaker 1: born benefiting from it, and that doesn't make you a

574
00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:35,000
Speaker 1: bad person. What it means is that when you become

575
00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:37,320
Speaker 1: aware of it, you need to try to do something

576
00:28:37,359 --> 00:28:40,280
Speaker 1: about it. You need to pay your privilege forward. You

577
00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:42,880
Speaker 1: need to as you were saying, you've been talking about

578
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:45,280
Speaker 1: the authors of color whose work you've been reading and

579
00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:48,080
Speaker 1: that you are talking about, I I share work from

580
00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:50,800
Speaker 1: the women of color who run in the activist circles

581
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:54,400
Speaker 1: that I learned from. I share their work constantly online.

582
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:58,120
Speaker 1: I'm constantly making sure that I can mobilize my followers

583
00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,160
Speaker 1: to be their followers, to make sure that we are

584
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:03,600
Speaker 1: cross pollinating these conversations. And I'm not saying that like

585
00:29:03,680 --> 00:29:06,360
Speaker 1: that's saving the world, are making the difference, but it's

586
00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:09,280
Speaker 1: figuring out how in any system that I benefit from,

587
00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:12,400
Speaker 1: I can make sure others are benefiting from it as well. Yeah,

588
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:15,240
Speaker 1: that's awesome and it and and we're learning and there's

589
00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:17,560
Speaker 1: gonna be more things, and there's gonna be more stuff

590
00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:21,080
Speaker 1: we need to do. But I think that talking about

591
00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:25,600
Speaker 1: the system and and and also sort of shaking other

592
00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:28,800
Speaker 1: white women and being like yo, it has nothing for us.

593
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:31,960
Speaker 1: We are not benefiting from this system, like where Ted

594
00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:35,280
Speaker 1: Cruze gets elected, you are not benefiting. Yeah, I don't know.

595
00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:38,440
Speaker 1: And it also it's just it's it makes me so

596
00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:41,400
Speaker 1: upset that women, because so many women don't aren't you know,

597
00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:43,920
Speaker 1: they take they do what their husband does. You know,

598
00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:46,600
Speaker 1: they vote the way their husband does. Another reason not

599
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:51,200
Speaker 1: to get a husband. But you did. You you dedicated

600
00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:55,640
Speaker 1: your book to your future husband. I like that, Thank you?

601
00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:57,680
Speaker 1: What do I put it out there? Because once I

602
00:29:57,720 --> 00:30:00,840
Speaker 1: went through all my therapy and I decided, like you know,

603
00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:03,920
Speaker 1: I was able to say, oh, this fierceness, this independence

604
00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:06,120
Speaker 1: that I've had hold onto for so long, it's because

605
00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:08,880
Speaker 1: I was protecting myself and I couldn't be vulnerable and

606
00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:11,560
Speaker 1: I couldn't. You know, obviously it's obviously everybody else, but

607
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:13,600
Speaker 1: when it's you, you don't see it. You think you're

608
00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:16,400
Speaker 1: killing it. You're like wow, I'm doing great in life

609
00:30:16,880 --> 00:30:20,959
Speaker 1: until you're not, and then um, so you know. I

610
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:23,120
Speaker 1: finally was like I sat down with him one day

611
00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:24,760
Speaker 1: and I was like, I think I'm ready to be

612
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:26,640
Speaker 1: in a relationship. I said, I think I'm gonna say

613
00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:28,400
Speaker 1: a sentence I've never said out loud, but you've really

614
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:30,600
Speaker 1: helped me, and I want to say something to help you, Like,

615
00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:32,760
Speaker 1: I think I'm ready to be in a healthy relationship.

616
00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:36,720
Speaker 1: And I wasn't. But I had to start saying that

617
00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:40,400
Speaker 1: and to admit that it's okay to want to be

618
00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:43,680
Speaker 1: in a relationship. I had never even thought about it.

619
00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:46,400
Speaker 1: I just assumed I shouldn't be Like I was like, no, no, no, no,

620
00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:48,680
Speaker 1: I'll do this. I'll have fun when I have fun.

621
00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:51,120
Speaker 1: And I hadn't made great choices for the relationships that

622
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:54,000
Speaker 1: I was in, and we're all guilty of that. But

623
00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:57,000
Speaker 1: I really was like, you know what, I don't need

624
00:30:57,120 --> 00:30:59,040
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship. I want to be in

625
00:30:59,040 --> 00:31:02,400
Speaker 1: a relationship. There's a difference between being I need a

626
00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:05,360
Speaker 1: boyfriend and I want a boyfriend. Yeah, I'm okay to

627
00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:08,240
Speaker 1: say that now I want a boyfriend, and now you

628
00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:10,720
Speaker 1: know my friends, like it takes a healthy to get

629
00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:14,960
Speaker 1: a healthy and that's true. So so it's important to

630
00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:17,120
Speaker 1: say that without feeling like one of those little needy

631
00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:21,040
Speaker 1: girls who needs you know, like who, because I always

632
00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:25,200
Speaker 1: I always looked at weakness as you know, anything sickness.

633
00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:27,840
Speaker 1: Like yesterday, I woke up and my throat it was

634
00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:30,600
Speaker 1: all fucked up, and I had a day of stuff

635
00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:33,479
Speaker 1: and I was so mad at myself for being weak,

636
00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:37,040
Speaker 1: Like I was mad at me for being sick. And

637
00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:38,840
Speaker 1: I didn't until like now that I have a sense

638
00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:41,200
Speaker 1: of awareness, I'm like, what is your problem? And and

639
00:31:41,560 --> 00:31:44,320
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, you are so tied to being

640
00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:49,800
Speaker 1: strength that you know, any vulnerability, you know is just

641
00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:54,480
Speaker 1: it's hard. So you have to keep practicing it, you know. Now,

642
00:31:54,600 --> 00:31:56,560
Speaker 1: Like this morning, I went to my therapist and I

643
00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:58,520
Speaker 1: just came in and it was the first time ever

644
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:03,720
Speaker 1: that I didn't fight crying, and I was talking about

645
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:05,640
Speaker 1: being mad at myself for being sick. But I was like,

646
00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:07,360
Speaker 1: what is wrong with me? And you know, and he

647
00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:09,800
Speaker 1: broke it down again and like directed it back to

648
00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:13,720
Speaker 1: my childhood that my parents were completely gone, you know,

649
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:16,120
Speaker 1: they were out to lunch pretty much, they had six kids,

650
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:18,160
Speaker 1: they were fucking tired. Then their son dies, so they're

651
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:21,520
Speaker 1: even more tired, They're in despair. They never picked me up,

652
00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:24,200
Speaker 1: they never came to school. It was kind of like neglect.

653
00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:26,240
Speaker 1: There was a lot of love, but not a lot

654
00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:29,160
Speaker 1: of follow through. And so the time that I got

655
00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:32,040
Speaker 1: the attention from them was when I was sick. Then

656
00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:34,880
Speaker 1: everybody perked up and was like, okay, what do you need?

657
00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:37,640
Speaker 1: What do you need? And so in my mind I

658
00:32:37,720 --> 00:32:40,880
Speaker 1: have this like subliminal feeling that when I'm being sick

659
00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:44,600
Speaker 1: it's because I want attention. And I hated that about myself.

660
00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:47,040
Speaker 1: So I now I fight being sick because I know

661
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:48,880
Speaker 1: as a little girl, I used it as a tool.

662
00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:52,440
Speaker 1: So there's this internal battle going on. And only somebody

663
00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:55,200
Speaker 1: you sit down with for many, you know, months or

664
00:32:55,280 --> 00:33:00,280
Speaker 1: sometimes years, can really explain yourself to you. Isn't that crazy? Really? Oh?

665
00:33:00,360 --> 00:33:03,000
Speaker 1: Look at that. It's all connected. Yeah, I mean the

666
00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:06,720
Speaker 1: hallways and light bulbs are just popping off. You know.

667
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:10,520
Speaker 1: As you learn about your your your patterns of behavior,

668
00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:13,800
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, you know, I said, why don't I

669
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:16,560
Speaker 1: have patience for people? Like or you know, if somebody

670
00:33:16,600 --> 00:33:19,320
Speaker 1: screws me over, it's fuck you, it's over. It's a

671
00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:21,560
Speaker 1: wrap on you, like I've ended friendships on a dime

672
00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:24,840
Speaker 1: a million times and people are left in the dust.

673
00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:27,920
Speaker 1: I never think about them again. And I said, why

674
00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:29,680
Speaker 1: do I do that? He goes think about it and

675
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:32,400
Speaker 1: answer that question, and I'm like, I don't know. That's

676
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:35,240
Speaker 1: what I'm paying you money for it. I'm like, you

677
00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:37,840
Speaker 1: tell me the fucking answer one thing. And he's like,

678
00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:40,080
Speaker 1: because that's your blueprint for how our relationship ends. The

679
00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:43,240
Speaker 1: very first relationship you ended or that ended was the

680
00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:45,920
Speaker 1: guy saying he was here and coming back and then

681
00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:48,000
Speaker 1: he was gone and you were mad at him for

682
00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:51,120
Speaker 1: thirty years for leaving you. So that's how you think

683
00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:53,960
Speaker 1: you break up. And I was like, ho lee, shh it,

684
00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:57,960
Speaker 1: that was just like fireworks in my brain. Yeah. I

685
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:00,200
Speaker 1: was like, that's exactly right. And I have no I

686
00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:02,560
Speaker 1: don't even think about the people like they're out of

687
00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:05,360
Speaker 1: my mind. It's funny that you say that I've had

688
00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:07,120
Speaker 1: this thing and I always joke. I'm like, you know,

689
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:09,960
Speaker 1: I've got like this Italian family in like Jersey and

690
00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:12,200
Speaker 1: New York. Like that's that, you know. I'm like, mob

691
00:34:12,239 --> 00:34:15,279
Speaker 1: wives is like my family and not really but like

692
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:18,480
Speaker 1: a little bit. And I yeah, I got I mean

693
00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:21,440
Speaker 1: it's very fun and ridiculous, but like there is a

694
00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:23,799
Speaker 1: real I remember I got sucked over by this guy

695
00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:26,040
Speaker 1: once and I got a phone call from my uncle

696
00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:29,680
Speaker 1: Raymond and he's like Sophia, and I'm like, Uncle ray like,

697
00:34:29,760 --> 00:34:32,239
Speaker 1: what's going on? And he goes, you tell me the

698
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:34,640
Speaker 1: next time then motherfucker is going to be in New York.

699
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:37,440
Speaker 1: And I was like, no, absolutely not, and he goes, what,

700
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:39,960
Speaker 1: who's gonna know if I break his knees? I'm like

701
00:34:40,719 --> 00:34:43,920
Speaker 1: me and everyone, are you insane? Like that? You know that?

702
00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:47,960
Speaker 1: But that's love and it's a little crazy, but I

703
00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:50,680
Speaker 1: I've attributed that kind of like crazy I would commit

704
00:34:50,719 --> 00:34:53,640
Speaker 1: a crime for you love, Like not really but kind

705
00:34:53,680 --> 00:34:56,160
Speaker 1: of like when I really love someone, my favorite thing

706
00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:57,440
Speaker 1: to say to them is like, if you ever need

707
00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:59,200
Speaker 1: to bury a body, just call me and we'll figure

708
00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:01,600
Speaker 1: it out. And obviously I've never buried a body, but like,

709
00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:03,359
Speaker 1: I don't know, I watched Breaking Bad. How hard could

710
00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:07,680
Speaker 1: it be? Um? But but that thing that sort of

711
00:35:07,719 --> 00:35:10,880
Speaker 1: like romanticized idea that you hope no one ever follows

712
00:35:10,880 --> 00:35:15,840
Speaker 1: through on. Let me just clarify, sort of morphed in

713
00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:18,560
Speaker 1: my head into this thing that I've caught myself saying

714
00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:21,280
Speaker 1: over and over again, I'm like, I will take a lot,

715
00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:23,640
Speaker 1: and then i will take too much, but then there

716
00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:25,680
Speaker 1: will be a day when the too much. I'm just done.

717
00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:29,399
Speaker 1: And if you betray me, I'm scorched. Eff I'm like,

718
00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:32,759
Speaker 1: if you're gonna cross me, have the guts to like

719
00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:34,640
Speaker 1: look me in the eye and stab me in the stomach.

720
00:35:34,719 --> 00:35:37,359
Speaker 1: Don't ever stab me in the back, because then, like

721
00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:43,160
Speaker 1: nothing will get through this. And that is about what

722
00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:46,160
Speaker 1: I learned as a kid. That is about patterns of

723
00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:48,520
Speaker 1: things that I've been through, and it's so when you

724
00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:52,440
Speaker 1: start to learn that stuff, you're just like, oh my god,

725
00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:55,800
Speaker 1: and then what I what What was the real revelation

726
00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:59,000
Speaker 1: for me is that that toughness, that shield, that like

727
00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:03,920
Speaker 1: impenetrable all was a lie because the foundation was a

728
00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:06,080
Speaker 1: mess from being a little kid who didn't know how

729
00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:09,280
Speaker 1: to build one. And and the stuff that gets under

730
00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:11,400
Speaker 1: and the stories that I'll that I'll tell myself that

731
00:36:11,440 --> 00:36:14,040
Speaker 1: I'm so sure of that you know, somebody did this

732
00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:15,960
Speaker 1: or said this, or this is what this means. It's

733
00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:18,960
Speaker 1: like it's such a detrimental thing to live with, but

734
00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:23,000
Speaker 1: you don't know it until somebody turns the light on

735
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:27,040
Speaker 1: in the hallway. Yeah, and then you're just like, you know,

736
00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:28,399
Speaker 1: you have to be in a place in your life

737
00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:30,480
Speaker 1: where you can accept it. Like I was learning bad

738
00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:33,120
Speaker 1: things about myself, or not bad things, but negative things

739
00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:36,359
Speaker 1: about myself, and I was becoming like from him, you know,

740
00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:38,360
Speaker 1: and not like he was sitting around insulting me, but

741
00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:40,359
Speaker 1: like the lack of empathy. And you know, I came

742
00:36:40,360 --> 00:36:42,440
Speaker 1: in for my lack of patience. I have no patience.

743
00:36:42,480 --> 00:36:44,520
Speaker 1: I was like, I can't deal with people. Everyone annoys

744
00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:47,120
Speaker 1: the ship out of me. You know. I was like, uh,

745
00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:51,280
Speaker 1: in a constant state of agitation, and I was just like, God,

746
00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:53,880
Speaker 1: you know, I need a channel change. And so it

747
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:56,520
Speaker 1: came at the right time for me. You know, you

748
00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:58,040
Speaker 1: can look back and go, God, I wish I would

749
00:36:58,040 --> 00:36:59,839
Speaker 1: have sorted that out, but that's my you know, that's

750
00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:02,719
Speaker 1: I write the book so that somebody does sort it

751
00:37:02,719 --> 00:37:04,640
Speaker 1: out before they're in their forties, because you have the

752
00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:07,840
Speaker 1: opportunity to take a look at yourself. And we all

753
00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:10,759
Speaker 1: have trauma. There's there's no one who can go through

754
00:37:10,800 --> 00:37:15,040
Speaker 1: life and that hasn't had their heartbroken or is grieving

755
00:37:15,080 --> 00:37:17,239
Speaker 1: in some way, or has had some trauma. That's the

756
00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:20,800
Speaker 1: human experience, So nobody needs to pretend that they didn't

757
00:37:20,880 --> 00:37:23,760
Speaker 1: have that. It's about patching yourself back up and going

758
00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:25,719
Speaker 1: through it, not around it, which is what I did.

759
00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:28,600
Speaker 1: I have scotched around it, round it, partied really hard

760
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:30,680
Speaker 1: to avoid it. When that didn't work out, I pivoted

761
00:37:30,719 --> 00:37:33,680
Speaker 1: to something else. Worked my ass off, you know, said

762
00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:36,360
Speaker 1: yes to everything, did every book towards, did every stand

763
00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:38,439
Speaker 1: up toward. While I was doing a show five nights

764
00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:41,279
Speaker 1: a week, I tore the country. I slept like you know,

765
00:37:41,320 --> 00:37:43,399
Speaker 1: people would go, oh my god, she's so strong. She's

766
00:37:43,440 --> 00:37:45,279
Speaker 1: so strong, and I love to hearing that. They're like,

767
00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:47,359
Speaker 1: she can do anything. How can you travel? But it's nothing,

768
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:50,680
Speaker 1: it's no problem. I'd fly in from you know, Michigan

769
00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:53,480
Speaker 1: and on a Monday morning after doing two shows there,

770
00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:57,160
Speaker 1: and you have to do a show every day, and

771
00:37:57,560 --> 00:38:01,440
Speaker 1: I just kept going because moving is doing and avoiding

772
00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:05,120
Speaker 1: anything real. Oh yeah. I did not know how to

773
00:38:05,160 --> 00:38:09,400
Speaker 1: sit still until I could quit my last job, until

774
00:38:09,440 --> 00:38:12,759
Speaker 1: this very podcast. Look how still I am? You are?

775
00:38:13,280 --> 00:38:17,759
Speaker 1: Look at us adulting shit? Yeah? O god. When the

776
00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:19,359
Speaker 1: light turns out in the hallway and you're like, this

777
00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:23,080
Speaker 1: is what being a fucking adult is this is horrible? Um,

778
00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:28,719
Speaker 1: But it was interesting because going around pain for me.

779
00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:31,839
Speaker 1: I had this like pretty gnarly experience on my last job,

780
00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:34,360
Speaker 1: and it went on for years, and I tried to

781
00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:37,840
Speaker 1: solve it every which way, but like never really just stopped.

782
00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:39,560
Speaker 1: Like what I needed to do was sit down in

783
00:38:39,600 --> 00:38:41,560
Speaker 1: the middle of the room and just ball and let

784
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:44,040
Speaker 1: everyone see it. But I was like tough, tough, tough,

785
00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:45,919
Speaker 1: good good good. And I'd go home and like cry

786
00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:47,720
Speaker 1: in the fetal position on the floor of my apartment

787
00:38:47,719 --> 00:38:52,920
Speaker 1: every night. And and what I realized is that I

788
00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:55,160
Speaker 1: knew when it needed to stop, and I kept pushing

789
00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:56,839
Speaker 1: myself to do it, and I never stopped, and I

790
00:38:56,880 --> 00:38:58,840
Speaker 1: never slept. And people would be like, I don't know

791
00:38:58,880 --> 00:39:00,279
Speaker 1: how you do it all, and I'd be like, yeah,

792
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:03,200
Speaker 1: because it becomes fuel, right. And I'd fly home every

793
00:39:03,239 --> 00:39:05,120
Speaker 1: weekend and i'd make sure I wasn't missing birthdays, and

794
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:06,200
Speaker 1: i'd go to the thing in New York and I

795
00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:08,359
Speaker 1: go back to Chicago and i'd fly to the and

796
00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:11,319
Speaker 1: I wasn't stopping so that I didn't have to feel it.

797
00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:16,160
Speaker 1: And then when I when my body started to shut down,

798
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:19,960
Speaker 1: and when I really couldn't keep up with it anymore.

799
00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:23,200
Speaker 1: Instead of letting myself be as upset as I was,

800
00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:26,600
Speaker 1: my fuse started getting shorter. So that thing that you're

801
00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:29,600
Speaker 1: saying about, like everyone's annoying, my fus got shorter and

802
00:39:29,640 --> 00:39:32,960
Speaker 1: shorter and shorter. And I was angry all the time

803
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:37,520
Speaker 1: because I was looking around. My my inner child was

804
00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:39,880
Speaker 1: looking around, going, how the funk are none of you

805
00:39:39,920 --> 00:39:42,000
Speaker 1: paying attention to this? And how is nobody standing up

806
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:43,360
Speaker 1: to this? And why do I have to do this alone?

807
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:46,080
Speaker 1: And what? And it had never occurred to me that

808
00:39:46,200 --> 00:39:48,920
Speaker 1: I didn't need to be there. I was like, I

809
00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:50,879
Speaker 1: have to fix it, and why why doesn't anybody else work?

810
00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:53,080
Speaker 1: You know? Why does everybody look away? And why does

811
00:39:53,080 --> 00:39:55,440
Speaker 1: everybody laugh when the thing isn't funny? And then and

812
00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:59,120
Speaker 1: then I was like, oh, but I'm keeping myself here,

813
00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:02,879
Speaker 1: I'm staying like what the funk am I staying for?

814
00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:07,240
Speaker 1: This isn't my responsibility? Like this that I've said, the piece,

815
00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:10,279
Speaker 1: I've done, the thing I've done, the defending I've tried

816
00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:13,759
Speaker 1: to defend myself and if it's not gonna work, I

817
00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:16,719
Speaker 1: could actually just walk out the door. But it had

818
00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:20,640
Speaker 1: never occurred to me before out the door. I do,

819
00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:24,279
Speaker 1: so I know what you're going for different reasons, but yes,

820
00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:26,719
Speaker 1: and on that note, she's walking out the door. Everyone's

821
00:40:26,840 --> 00:40:29,759
Speaker 1: it's powerful, right, and good for you for realizing it,

822
00:40:29,800 --> 00:40:33,040
Speaker 1: because it is. If it's so upsetting, then you need

823
00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:36,640
Speaker 1: to remove yourself from the situation. You can, and you can. Yes,

824
00:40:36,880 --> 00:40:39,880
Speaker 1: And what a wild thing to realize. And like that

825
00:40:39,920 --> 00:40:42,040
Speaker 1: doesn't mean it's not scary. That doesn't mean it was easy.

826
00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:44,520
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean it was the fucking financially smart decision

827
00:40:44,560 --> 00:40:47,320
Speaker 1: to make or whatever. But it was like, I'm gonna

828
00:40:47,360 --> 00:40:49,160
Speaker 1: do this. I'm gonna walk out the door, I'm gonna

829
00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:51,080
Speaker 1: jump off the roof, and like I'm not looking to

830
00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:54,200
Speaker 1: die on this hill. And something that's interesting to me

831
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:56,799
Speaker 1: because you. I love the way you make fun of

832
00:40:56,840 --> 00:40:59,319
Speaker 1: your best friend, Mary McCormick, who's amazing. Who's house I'm

833
00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:02,320
Speaker 1: going too straight from here? Are you? Yes? She's great.

834
00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:05,839
Speaker 1: Everybody loves Mary McCormack. She told a story on your

835
00:41:05,840 --> 00:41:09,760
Speaker 1: podcast about taking a ship in a service in her car.

836
00:41:10,160 --> 00:41:13,399
Speaker 1: She couldn't get to about that story. I truly was like,

837
00:41:13,440 --> 00:41:15,799
Speaker 1: this is brave, Like these are some brave women who

838
00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:18,239
Speaker 1: I can learn to tell the embarrassing were older than you.

839
00:41:18,440 --> 00:41:22,040
Speaker 1: So maybe when you're even talking about my my palms

840
00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:24,640
Speaker 1: just started sweating talking about that, like I'm horrified, but

841
00:41:24,680 --> 00:41:27,759
Speaker 1: I'm talking about I'm talking about doing should you be?

842
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:30,040
Speaker 1: Which is what I call it, into any container other

843
00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:33,040
Speaker 1: than a toilet, very intense. I don't know any the

844
00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:34,960
Speaker 1: other way. I mean, I obviously had to go outside

845
00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:38,560
Speaker 1: before because of an emergency situation, but in in any

846
00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:42,799
Speaker 1: sort of container, I can't imagine that that's horrifying. But

847
00:41:43,239 --> 00:41:45,640
Speaker 1: you tease her for many things, which she takes like

848
00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:48,239
Speaker 1: a champ. But you say that like you both you

849
00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:51,200
Speaker 1: both have the Mary McCormick disease, which is people pleasing.

850
00:41:51,960 --> 00:41:54,279
Speaker 1: And I'm curious about that because when you're the person

851
00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:56,319
Speaker 1: who like, where's the armor and has the wall? And

852
00:41:57,239 --> 00:41:59,000
Speaker 1: the irony is that you just want to make everybody

853
00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:01,080
Speaker 1: happy all the time. I'm not so much of a

854
00:42:01,160 --> 00:42:03,640
Speaker 1: people pleaser as I am a fixer, Like I like

855
00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:05,480
Speaker 1: to go in and save the day, like Joan of

856
00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:07,799
Speaker 1: arc Mode, Like I like that. I like, oh if

857
00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:10,239
Speaker 1: for friends in need they call me, Like a friend

858
00:42:10,280 --> 00:42:12,359
Speaker 1: called me the other day who's like a peripheral friend,

859
00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:14,839
Speaker 1: and she's like, I mean obviously she's a friend, so

860
00:42:15,239 --> 00:42:16,719
Speaker 1: but I'm not. I don't see her, I don't talk

861
00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:19,680
Speaker 1: to her, and she's going through this thing. And Mary's

862
00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:21,920
Speaker 1: I called Chelsea. Chelsea is great in an emergency and

863
00:42:21,960 --> 00:42:24,640
Speaker 1: I love that, like I'm great. And if there's drama,

864
00:42:24,680 --> 00:42:26,480
Speaker 1: if there's something, if I need you need to calm down,

865
00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:28,440
Speaker 1: I can get anyone to do anything. So it's not

866
00:42:28,480 --> 00:42:30,520
Speaker 1: so much people pleasing that I have. I have a

867
00:42:30,520 --> 00:42:32,480
Speaker 1: showing up disease. I want to show up because my

868
00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:33,960
Speaker 1: parents never showed up for me. So I have to

869
00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:37,600
Speaker 1: prove to everybody that I'm fucking reliable. Yeah, so that's

870
00:42:37,640 --> 00:42:39,920
Speaker 1: my thing. Mary is a people pleaser. She doesn't like

871
00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:43,040
Speaker 1: to hurt people's feelings. She wants everyone to like her.

872
00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:45,000
Speaker 1: She doesn't want to ever end a friendship. Like whenever

873
00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:47,200
Speaker 1: I would break up with a friend, she'd be like, oh,

874
00:42:47,239 --> 00:42:49,279
Speaker 1: I wish you hadn't done it like that. Can't you

875
00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:51,399
Speaker 1: just do a slow fade? Like she's trying to teach

876
00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:53,080
Speaker 1: me about a slow fade? Why do you have to

877
00:42:53,120 --> 00:42:57,000
Speaker 1: make everything monumental? And I never listened to her, and

878
00:42:57,040 --> 00:43:00,040
Speaker 1: she's not wrong, but I didn't hear her. Then I

879
00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:02,160
Speaker 1: have a little mix of the two of it's like, yeah,

880
00:43:02,239 --> 00:43:05,240
Speaker 1: put you in a blender and I come out. It's

881
00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:08,759
Speaker 1: a It's weird though, that thing of like wanting girls too.

882
00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:11,560
Speaker 1: You know, first, all human being wants to be liked,

883
00:43:12,040 --> 00:43:14,120
Speaker 1: you know, and then when they we're not like when

884
00:43:14,120 --> 00:43:16,879
Speaker 1: you when you're rejected and you're rebuffed by anyone, there

885
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:20,440
Speaker 1: is an anger, you know, you feel rejected, dejected, you

886
00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:23,440
Speaker 1: feel angry, sometimes you feel sad. Either way, it's what

887
00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:27,239
Speaker 1: sets up you know what I mean, Like we all

888
00:43:27,320 --> 00:43:29,640
Speaker 1: want to be liked. There's no one that's like, yeah,

889
00:43:29,680 --> 00:43:32,319
Speaker 1: I just want to be hated. Even Donald Trump wants

890
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:34,040
Speaker 1: to be liked by the people he wants to be

891
00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:36,560
Speaker 1: liked by, which is unfortunate for us because it's ruining

892
00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:39,480
Speaker 1: the country, right. But you know, it is a I

893
00:43:39,480 --> 00:43:41,799
Speaker 1: think it's a human it's a human nature. It's how

894
00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:44,120
Speaker 1: you go about getting liked, is what I think. Where

895
00:43:44,120 --> 00:43:47,880
Speaker 1: people differ. You know, me showing up is like Chelsea's solid,

896
00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:50,400
Speaker 1: She'll always be there in an emergency, she can. I

897
00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:53,000
Speaker 1: like that about myself because I've never had that growing up.

898
00:43:53,040 --> 00:43:55,880
Speaker 1: So that's what I wanted to embody. And then but

899
00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:59,680
Speaker 1: the people pleasing like I'm not that worried if people

900
00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:02,239
Speaker 1: don't like me. I mean, that's never really been my thing.

901
00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:05,480
Speaker 1: I'm pretty direct, a little too direct obviously. I mean

902
00:44:05,520 --> 00:44:07,879
Speaker 1: I have been where if I don't like someone, I'd

903
00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:11,200
Speaker 1: be like, no, not into you. Move on. Now I'm like,

904
00:44:11,280 --> 00:44:13,560
Speaker 1: that's just not nice, So I'm not going to do it. Yeah,

905
00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:15,200
Speaker 1: you're like, maybe I don't need to share that thought

906
00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:17,399
Speaker 1: with that person. I can just move don't say things

907
00:44:17,480 --> 00:44:20,520
Speaker 1: because you thought of that, Right, that's a nice thing

908
00:44:20,520 --> 00:44:23,239
Speaker 1: to do to like, you know, step back and go.

909
00:44:23,320 --> 00:44:25,200
Speaker 1: You don't have to say anything right here. You can

910
00:44:25,280 --> 00:44:28,520
Speaker 1: just sit here and not exert your opinion, you know,

911
00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:33,520
Speaker 1: and insert your opinion I should say, and you you know,

912
00:44:33,719 --> 00:44:35,920
Speaker 1: you don't have to and you don't have to get

913
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:38,400
Speaker 1: in the conversation. You can just observe and be cool

914
00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:41,520
Speaker 1: and chill the funk out. I'm horrified at like the

915
00:44:41,560 --> 00:44:45,279
Speaker 1: thought of hurting people's feelings, so I avoid that kind

916
00:44:45,280 --> 00:44:46,920
Speaker 1: of a thing, which has been a good thing to

917
00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:51,120
Speaker 1: start unlearning. Yeah, I need to learn. Give me that,

918
00:44:51,280 --> 00:44:53,040
Speaker 1: and I'll give you a little of mine. You give

919
00:44:53,080 --> 00:44:57,359
Speaker 1: me a little now. I mentioned that I knew when

920
00:44:57,400 --> 00:45:00,239
Speaker 1: I needed to leave a job, But you talk about out.

921
00:45:01,920 --> 00:45:04,960
Speaker 1: In your book, you talk about getting to this point

922
00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:07,319
Speaker 1: because you were running a million miles an hour, you know,

923
00:45:07,360 --> 00:45:11,359
Speaker 1: burning the candle at both ends that you you said

924
00:45:11,360 --> 00:45:14,399
Speaker 1: something and I was like, oh, I feel attacked when

925
00:45:14,400 --> 00:45:17,600
Speaker 1: you said I liked walking off the stage better than

926
00:45:17,640 --> 00:45:21,120
Speaker 1: I liked being on it. How long do you think

927
00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:23,239
Speaker 1: you were in it before you were conscious of it?

928
00:45:23,360 --> 00:45:25,640
Speaker 1: Or when was it just like so in your face

929
00:45:26,200 --> 00:45:28,920
Speaker 1: that you said I have to stop, like I have

930
00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:31,759
Speaker 1: to take a break. I mean, people were telling me

931
00:45:31,800 --> 00:45:33,880
Speaker 1: to take breaks leading up to I think it was

932
00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:36,160
Speaker 1: at the end of my A show. I was so

933
00:45:36,239 --> 00:45:38,040
Speaker 1: over the show before it was over, you know what

934
00:45:38,120 --> 00:45:39,920
Speaker 1: I mean. I loved it for seven years and I

935
00:45:39,920 --> 00:45:41,520
Speaker 1: stayed a year too long. Or I loved it for

936
00:45:41,520 --> 00:45:43,520
Speaker 1: five years and I stayed three years too long. Whatever.

937
00:45:43,800 --> 00:45:45,680
Speaker 1: I was just ready for something else. When I was

938
00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:47,279
Speaker 1: I thought I was gonna go to travel. I'm like,

939
00:45:47,280 --> 00:45:48,960
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go take a year and travel. And then

940
00:45:49,440 --> 00:45:51,160
Speaker 1: and then I started, you know, I quit a job

941
00:45:51,160 --> 00:45:52,799
Speaker 1: and then you get rewarded for quitting it, and then

942
00:45:52,840 --> 00:45:54,840
Speaker 1: all these other things popped up. And then I started

943
00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:56,560
Speaker 1: talking to Netflix and they said I could do because

944
00:45:56,560 --> 00:45:57,520
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't want to do a show

945
00:45:57,600 --> 00:46:00,520
Speaker 1: right away, Let's do a docuseries? Is I want to

946
00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:03,319
Speaker 1: do something I wanted to learn? Um, So we did that.

947
00:46:03,440 --> 00:46:05,440
Speaker 1: I did take some time off and travel and then

948
00:46:05,480 --> 00:46:08,200
Speaker 1: I did the show. And so there were two you know,

949
00:46:08,239 --> 00:46:10,160
Speaker 1: it was at the end of the show was one

950
00:46:10,200 --> 00:46:12,799
Speaker 1: set of circumstances the end and the end of the

951
00:46:12,840 --> 00:46:16,000
Speaker 1: Netflix show was the election. And what that did to me, like,

952
00:46:16,160 --> 00:46:18,960
Speaker 1: I really just felt like what am I? You know,

953
00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:25,080
Speaker 1: I felt so helpless, and I figured, why don't I

954
00:46:25,120 --> 00:46:28,240
Speaker 1: just actually do something instead of talking about it, instead

955
00:46:28,239 --> 00:46:30,600
Speaker 1: of bitching about it from my soapbox on TV, Why

956
00:46:30,600 --> 00:46:34,040
Speaker 1: don't I actually go to fucking Michigan and Ohio and

957
00:46:34,080 --> 00:46:38,520
Speaker 1: Pennsylvania and talk to people and and in order to like, um,

958
00:46:38,880 --> 00:46:41,439
Speaker 1: cultivate that vocabulary that I didn't have, which is talking

959
00:46:41,440 --> 00:46:44,160
Speaker 1: to somebody who voted for Donald Trump without screaming and

960
00:46:44,280 --> 00:46:47,800
Speaker 1: without being berating them and belittling them was a skill

961
00:46:47,840 --> 00:46:49,879
Speaker 1: that I did not have and I wanted to learn.

962
00:46:50,239 --> 00:46:52,440
Speaker 1: So that was kind of like the impetus for me

963
00:46:52,520 --> 00:46:55,160
Speaker 1: going in like that was what I told myself, like,

964
00:46:55,239 --> 00:46:57,560
Speaker 1: you need to be more patient. But obviously, on a

965
00:46:57,640 --> 00:47:00,399
Speaker 1: subconscious level, I was searching for a little bit more

966
00:47:00,480 --> 00:47:04,719
Speaker 1: because that's what I got um. But it was it

967
00:47:04,760 --> 00:47:10,239
Speaker 1: was moments like with Netflix. It was I was consumed

968
00:47:11,200 --> 00:47:15,239
Speaker 1: with the news and talking about it and it and

969
00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:19,200
Speaker 1: it destabilized me. It made me feel like the world

970
00:47:19,280 --> 00:47:22,240
Speaker 1: was not right. And that's how I knew how entitled

971
00:47:22,280 --> 00:47:24,719
Speaker 1: I was, because that's kind of the first time I

972
00:47:24,760 --> 00:47:27,800
Speaker 1: ever felt that way. How could this happen in my life?

973
00:47:29,120 --> 00:47:32,320
Speaker 1: And then I was like, that's Ikey, You're really singular

974
00:47:32,440 --> 00:47:36,359
Speaker 1: right now. You're really only thinking about yourself, and you

975
00:47:36,480 --> 00:47:41,000
Speaker 1: have to get a bigger life, you know, you get

976
00:47:41,239 --> 00:47:43,279
Speaker 1: I think I got lost a couple of times, you know,

977
00:47:43,640 --> 00:47:45,719
Speaker 1: like once I left, like the last year of E

978
00:47:45,960 --> 00:47:47,480
Speaker 1: was rough and I didn't like it, and I was

979
00:47:47,520 --> 00:47:49,319
Speaker 1: bitter that I had to be there and being people

980
00:47:49,360 --> 00:47:51,279
Speaker 1: tugging at me. I got sick of everyone knowing where

981
00:47:51,280 --> 00:47:53,120
Speaker 1: I was all the time, and you know, and I

982
00:47:53,160 --> 00:47:55,680
Speaker 1: partied really hard during that time. I drank a lot,

983
00:47:55,840 --> 00:47:59,279
Speaker 1: did drugs all that stuff. And then I left and

984
00:47:59,320 --> 00:48:01,759
Speaker 1: then I was so happy when I wasn't working, I

985
00:48:01,800 --> 00:48:05,239
Speaker 1: was traveling the world. I went on great trips, I

986
00:48:05,320 --> 00:48:08,239
Speaker 1: got school, went scuba diving in French Polynesia. You know,

987
00:48:08,360 --> 00:48:11,200
Speaker 1: I went it just did whatever I wanted to and

988
00:48:11,200 --> 00:48:13,839
Speaker 1: then I shot those documentaries and that was good, and

989
00:48:13,840 --> 00:48:18,080
Speaker 1: then uh that that was a great time, and then

990
00:48:18,239 --> 00:48:20,520
Speaker 1: Netflix show started. There were a couple of bumps in

991
00:48:20,520 --> 00:48:23,120
Speaker 1: the beginning, and then it started to get good and

992
00:48:23,200 --> 00:48:24,960
Speaker 1: I liked it and I kind of gotta handle what

993
00:48:25,040 --> 00:48:27,359
Speaker 1: I was doing. And then the election happened, and I

994
00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:31,920
Speaker 1: think because I wasn't completely stable, it completely destabilized me,

995
00:48:32,239 --> 00:48:34,839
Speaker 1: and so then that became really hard. The year after

996
00:48:34,880 --> 00:48:36,960
Speaker 1: he got elected was probably the darkest year I think

997
00:48:36,960 --> 00:48:39,759
Speaker 1: I've ever had, um in terms of anger and in

998
00:48:39,840 --> 00:48:44,120
Speaker 1: terms of like, you know, being reactive. And what I

999
00:48:44,200 --> 00:48:47,080
Speaker 1: really wanted to learn was how to see something I

1000
00:48:47,120 --> 00:48:49,440
Speaker 1: don't like or read something I don't like, and to

1001
00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:52,560
Speaker 1: not react. That's the skill I went in there for

1002
00:48:53,080 --> 00:48:55,160
Speaker 1: and then came out with a whole other bag of tricks.

1003
00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:59,759
Speaker 1: Yeah wow, Yeah, because you think I need tools for

1004
00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:03,759
Speaker 1: now and you and your therapist goes, the reason you

1005
00:49:03,800 --> 00:49:05,640
Speaker 1: don't have tools is because of what happened when you

1006
00:49:05,640 --> 00:49:08,440
Speaker 1: were nine. It's like, copres about that. I want to

1007
00:49:08,440 --> 00:49:10,399
Speaker 1: be I want to talk about being a better person.

1008
00:49:10,440 --> 00:49:12,279
Speaker 1: I want to be present right now, like I don't

1009
00:49:12,320 --> 00:49:15,399
Speaker 1: wanna talk about that, you know, and and it's like, yeah,

1010
00:49:15,480 --> 00:49:17,360
Speaker 1: you have to. He I mean, he even said, what

1011
00:49:17,360 --> 00:49:19,080
Speaker 1: tell me about you childhood? And like my brother died

1012
00:49:19,120 --> 00:49:21,359
Speaker 1: when I was nine, my mom died five years ago,

1013
00:49:21,360 --> 00:49:22,719
Speaker 1: ten years and I don't know, I have no sense

1014
00:49:22,760 --> 00:49:24,399
Speaker 1: of time. And I'm like, and hopefully my dad will

1015
00:49:24,440 --> 00:49:26,560
Speaker 1: die by the time this year is over, because it's

1016
00:49:26,560 --> 00:49:28,640
Speaker 1: a wrap on him too, and he's in an old

1017
00:49:28,680 --> 00:49:30,640
Speaker 1: age home. I'm like, I'm good with death. I just

1018
00:49:30,719 --> 00:49:32,440
Speaker 1: want to be a better person. I need to be

1019
00:49:32,480 --> 00:49:34,560
Speaker 1: more patient with people, and I need to learn how

1020
00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:39,000
Speaker 1: to talk without yelling. So I learned how to do that.

1021
00:49:39,880 --> 00:49:44,480
Speaker 1: It's like one year crash. Yeah, that's crazy. Cry all

1022
00:49:44,520 --> 00:49:48,279
Speaker 1: the time. I know. I cried. I cried today in

1023
00:49:48,360 --> 00:49:50,560
Speaker 1: my car. I was like, what's happening, Oh, it's just

1024
00:49:50,680 --> 00:49:56,600
Speaker 1: it's coming. I just I was feeling um, really frustrated

1025
00:49:56,840 --> 00:50:02,120
Speaker 1: and and unheard. And I realized that something that is

1026
00:50:02,200 --> 00:50:05,360
Speaker 1: hard for me is when I feel like I'm putting

1027
00:50:05,360 --> 00:50:10,320
Speaker 1: in so much time and effort, not not feeling like, uh,

1028
00:50:10,560 --> 00:50:15,920
Speaker 1: reciprocally prioritized is very hard for me because then I

1029
00:50:15,920 --> 00:50:17,879
Speaker 1: I it goes to this thing of like is my

1030
00:50:18,040 --> 00:50:21,880
Speaker 1: effort worthless? Does this not matter? And it can be

1031
00:50:21,960 --> 00:50:25,400
Speaker 1: hard to forget that other people are processing through a

1032
00:50:25,480 --> 00:50:30,560
Speaker 1: different lens, and and you I sound like a stalker,

1033
00:50:30,560 --> 00:50:32,160
Speaker 1: but I swear that I'm not. I just was really

1034
00:50:32,160 --> 00:50:35,800
Speaker 1: doing my homework. You said something um in your book

1035
00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:40,320
Speaker 1: also because I've been listening to it, uh where you

1036
00:50:40,320 --> 00:50:42,960
Speaker 1: you say this thing of of what your experience was

1037
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:44,960
Speaker 1: as a child when your brother died, and what your

1038
00:50:44,960 --> 00:50:47,640
Speaker 1: experience was with your father, and how you didn't remember

1039
00:50:47,640 --> 00:50:49,359
Speaker 1: that one of your sisters was home and all these

1040
00:50:49,360 --> 00:50:52,440
Speaker 1: things because you were in your own experience. And then

1041
00:50:52,480 --> 00:50:56,399
Speaker 1: you talk about how you had never thought before from

1042
00:50:56,480 --> 00:50:59,319
Speaker 1: your experience as a child with your dad, what your

1043
00:50:59,400 --> 00:51:03,799
Speaker 1: dad's experience was having children or having a son died.

1044
00:51:04,280 --> 00:51:06,600
Speaker 1: I had no empathy, so not then a nine year

1045
00:51:06,600 --> 00:51:08,560
Speaker 1: old is supposed to be concerned for their parents at

1046
00:51:08,600 --> 00:51:10,200
Speaker 1: that stage. I think the parents were supposed to be

1047
00:51:10,200 --> 00:51:14,600
Speaker 1: concerned for the children. Um. But still like he was

1048
00:51:14,640 --> 00:51:18,399
Speaker 1: a broken man after that, and I didn't have any empathy.

1049
00:51:18,440 --> 00:51:20,680
Speaker 1: I just wanted him to get himself strong again, like

1050
00:51:20,719 --> 00:51:23,440
Speaker 1: I remember after the funeral. You know, in Judaism, you

1051
00:51:23,480 --> 00:51:25,600
Speaker 1: sit shiva, so people come over and they bring a

1052
00:51:25,600 --> 00:51:28,000
Speaker 1: bunch of corn beef and pstra me and you're like,

1053
00:51:28,239 --> 00:51:30,560
Speaker 1: what does this have to do with death? And I

1054
00:51:30,600 --> 00:51:33,960
Speaker 1: remember sitting there talking, like trying to decipher what the

1055
00:51:33,960 --> 00:51:36,600
Speaker 1: difference was between corn beef and postroomy and just how

1056
00:51:36,600 --> 00:51:39,239
Speaker 1: gross it all seemed and how inappropriate it was that

1057
00:51:39,560 --> 00:51:41,759
Speaker 1: people were in our living room drinking wine. You know,

1058
00:51:41,800 --> 00:51:44,319
Speaker 1: in my in my mind, that was a celebratory thing.

1059
00:51:44,360 --> 00:51:46,120
Speaker 1: My parents aren't drinkers, So I don't know where the

1060
00:51:46,120 --> 00:51:50,399
Speaker 1: funk I came from. But and I remember, and my, yeah,

1061
00:51:50,680 --> 00:51:52,919
Speaker 1: that's exactly what I am. A fucking rebel. Anyone tells

1062
00:51:52,960 --> 00:51:55,040
Speaker 1: me what to do when I do the opposite. So

1063
00:51:55,160 --> 00:51:56,840
Speaker 1: like with a book tour, like I was saying before,

1064
00:51:57,000 --> 00:51:59,520
Speaker 1: you know, I do this twenty tour with people interviewing

1065
00:51:59,560 --> 00:52:01,440
Speaker 1: me in different cities, and then halfway through the tour,

1066
00:52:01,520 --> 00:52:03,719
Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, I'm going to turn this into a

1067
00:52:03,800 --> 00:52:05,840
Speaker 1: stand up show and do like a one woman show.

1068
00:52:05,960 --> 00:52:07,919
Speaker 1: And you know, everyone has been telling me, my whole

1069
00:52:07,960 --> 00:52:10,279
Speaker 1: team of agents and managers and all of those like,

1070
00:52:10,520 --> 00:52:12,600
Speaker 1: just do stand up, please, do stand up. Don't do

1071
00:52:12,600 --> 00:52:14,759
Speaker 1: a tour where you're doing conversations. I'm like, no, no,

1072
00:52:14,800 --> 00:52:16,600
Speaker 1: I don't ever want to do stand up again, never never,

1073
00:52:16,640 --> 00:52:19,000
Speaker 1: And of course everyone's like, oh, really, now you're gonna

1074
00:52:19,000 --> 00:52:20,680
Speaker 1: and I, you know, added a bunch of tour dates.

1075
00:52:20,680 --> 00:52:22,439
Speaker 1: You can buy your tickets at live nation dot com.

1076
00:52:22,600 --> 00:52:24,400
Speaker 1: And I'm like, I'm doing stand up and They're like,

1077
00:52:24,520 --> 00:52:27,400
Speaker 1: You're so ridiculous that you. I had to back myself

1078
00:52:27,440 --> 00:52:31,120
Speaker 1: in because I have such stubborn patterns. But back to

1079
00:52:31,160 --> 00:52:34,280
Speaker 1: what we were just talking about, which was the father

1080
00:52:34,400 --> 00:52:39,480
Speaker 1: and how to see how do not even necessarily see

1081
00:52:39,520 --> 00:52:44,480
Speaker 1: through someone else's lens, but be have enough space in

1082
00:52:44,520 --> 00:52:47,600
Speaker 1: your own awareness of your experience that there is space

1083
00:52:47,640 --> 00:52:50,000
Speaker 1: for someone else's experience to be in it with you,

1084
00:52:50,239 --> 00:52:52,920
Speaker 1: and to not try to fix everyone's problems. Like my

1085
00:52:53,000 --> 00:52:55,120
Speaker 1: dad was at the window. We had this bay window,

1086
00:52:55,239 --> 00:52:57,640
Speaker 1: and I remember him sitting and we had neighbors over,

1087
00:52:57,719 --> 00:52:59,880
Speaker 1: and we had some relatives over, and my dad was

1088
00:53:00,040 --> 00:53:03,480
Speaker 1: this big, strong guy, you know, and and he was

1089
00:53:03,520 --> 00:53:09,319
Speaker 1: like the guy and he was bawling in front of strangers,

1090
00:53:09,400 --> 00:53:12,719
Speaker 1: and I was ashamed. I couldn't believe my eyes. I

1091
00:53:12,719 --> 00:53:15,399
Speaker 1: was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on now?

1092
00:53:15,800 --> 00:53:17,880
Speaker 1: Like our brother just died and now you're fucking what

1093
00:53:17,960 --> 00:53:19,840
Speaker 1: are you doing? Right now. You're supposed to be the

1094
00:53:19,920 --> 00:53:22,279
Speaker 1: leader here, and you better be strong. Be strong and

1095
00:53:22,320 --> 00:53:24,759
Speaker 1: strong and strong, don't be weak week week week. And

1096
00:53:24,800 --> 00:53:27,160
Speaker 1: I that was when I had to grow myself up

1097
00:53:27,239 --> 00:53:30,680
Speaker 1: because I looked around the room and everyone was in shambles,

1098
00:53:30,680 --> 00:53:34,400
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, this is really scary, Like

1099
00:53:34,560 --> 00:53:37,080
Speaker 1: now I really have to be strong. And I remember

1100
00:53:37,160 --> 00:53:39,520
Speaker 1: riding my bike, and i'd ride my bike because anytime

1101
00:53:39,520 --> 00:53:41,839
Speaker 1: I cry, I wouldn't let anyone see me cry. I

1102
00:53:41,880 --> 00:53:43,680
Speaker 1: was not going to cry. My mom would try to

1103
00:53:43,719 --> 00:53:45,840
Speaker 1: trick me into crying, like I felt. She'd be like,

1104
00:53:45,880 --> 00:53:47,359
Speaker 1: do you you know, do you want to talk about chat?

1105
00:53:47,400 --> 00:53:49,479
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, he's dead. There's nothing to talk about.

1106
00:53:49,520 --> 00:53:53,080
Speaker 1: It's over. Like that was my you know. And I

1107
00:53:53,080 --> 00:53:55,360
Speaker 1: would go on these bike rides and I would ball

1108
00:53:55,560 --> 00:53:57,160
Speaker 1: while I was riding my bike, so no none of

1109
00:53:57,160 --> 00:53:59,480
Speaker 1: the neighbors could see because I'd be riding so fast

1110
00:54:00,239 --> 00:54:03,160
Speaker 1: and i'd be gone for hours, you know, just sit

1111
00:54:03,239 --> 00:54:06,120
Speaker 1: in the woods by myself and I cut back and

1112
00:54:06,200 --> 00:54:08,359
Speaker 1: my parents wouldn't even you know, they wouldn't have even

1113
00:54:08,400 --> 00:54:12,160
Speaker 1: known I was gone. And it was but I remember

1114
00:54:12,440 --> 00:54:16,239
Speaker 1: being coming so steely when I saw everybody becomes so weak,

1115
00:54:16,280 --> 00:54:18,040
Speaker 1: so for a really long time. And Mary and I

1116
00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:24,160
Speaker 1: discussed this uh also on an upcoming episode where shoot,

1117
00:54:24,200 --> 00:54:27,200
Speaker 1: I would get mad at anyone who cried. Anyone's weakness

1118
00:54:27,360 --> 00:54:29,480
Speaker 1: was a turn off. Be stronger. Why can't you do

1119
00:54:29,520 --> 00:54:31,160
Speaker 1: things the way I'm doing it because this is the

1120
00:54:31,239 --> 00:54:35,040
Speaker 1: right way, you know, no capacity or space of awareness

1121
00:54:35,280 --> 00:54:38,799
Speaker 1: or focused attention on anything other than my own experience,

1122
00:54:39,280 --> 00:54:42,239
Speaker 1: you know, Like I had my brother and I used

1123
00:54:42,239 --> 00:54:44,080
Speaker 1: to have cereal together at night when he would come

1124
00:54:44,080 --> 00:54:46,440
Speaker 1: home late at night from college and I would make

1125
00:54:46,520 --> 00:54:48,879
Speaker 1: him a bowl of cereal. And after he died, like

1126
00:54:49,080 --> 00:54:50,840
Speaker 1: I never ate. I haven't had a bowl of cereal

1127
00:54:50,920 --> 00:54:54,239
Speaker 1: since I was nine, and my brothers and sisters, when

1128
00:54:54,280 --> 00:54:58,160
Speaker 1: I saw them having cereal after he died, I lost.

1129
00:54:58,200 --> 00:55:01,319
Speaker 1: It was like an attack, What are you doing right there? You?

1130
00:55:01,440 --> 00:55:03,319
Speaker 1: How could you eat cereal when we know what we know?

1131
00:55:04,080 --> 00:55:08,279
Speaker 1: And what what I learned was like, they don't have

1132
00:55:08,600 --> 00:55:12,080
Speaker 1: your experience with cereal and chick that's your experience, that's

1133
00:55:12,120 --> 00:55:18,120
Speaker 1: not everyone's, and that information is like, oh god, wow,

1134
00:55:18,360 --> 00:55:20,319
Speaker 1: you people can get so stuck in their own lives.

1135
00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:21,920
Speaker 1: And I don't even have kids or a husband or

1136
00:55:21,960 --> 00:55:23,759
Speaker 1: people that I have to take care of like I

1137
00:55:23,800 --> 00:55:25,640
Speaker 1: was just so far up my own ass and my

1138
00:55:25,680 --> 00:55:28,239
Speaker 1: own experience. But I also think, like, look, I think

1139
00:55:28,239 --> 00:55:31,400
Speaker 1: it's badass that you're willing to be like I was

1140
00:55:31,600 --> 00:55:35,640
Speaker 1: in this sort of very self centered space, and more

1141
00:55:35,680 --> 00:55:38,280
Speaker 1: power to you. And I also think it's really important

1142
00:55:38,320 --> 00:55:41,080
Speaker 1: for all of us, in whatever version of that we've experienced,

1143
00:55:41,160 --> 00:55:45,560
Speaker 1: to say, but there's also a reason, like you compartmentalized

1144
00:55:45,600 --> 00:55:48,120
Speaker 1: because you went through a deep trauma at nine, and

1145
00:55:48,320 --> 00:55:51,320
Speaker 1: and the way that you compartmentalized that experience for yourself

1146
00:55:51,360 --> 00:55:53,280
Speaker 1: and your own suffering and what you would and wouldn't

1147
00:55:53,320 --> 00:55:57,240
Speaker 1: show other people, those became the boxes, the building blocks

1148
00:55:57,320 --> 00:56:00,279
Speaker 1: that you built your life out of. And it's a

1149
00:56:00,360 --> 00:56:03,000
Speaker 1: very courageous thing to say, I want to open those

1150
00:56:03,080 --> 00:56:06,480
Speaker 1: up and unpack them and rebuild this. And and just

1151
00:56:06,600 --> 00:56:10,120
Speaker 1: like I even think about issues of you know, privilege,

1152
00:56:10,160 --> 00:56:12,560
Speaker 1: for example, like we all should have known this a

1153
00:56:12,680 --> 00:56:16,600
Speaker 1: very long time ago. But any person who comes to

1154
00:56:16,640 --> 00:56:21,080
Speaker 1: the table, my reaction is like, yes, it's okay that

1155
00:56:21,120 --> 00:56:23,040
Speaker 1: other people are mad that you weren't here before, but

1156
00:56:23,160 --> 00:56:25,959
Speaker 1: also it's okay that you're here now, Like I'm really

1157
00:56:25,960 --> 00:56:29,839
Speaker 1: glad that we're here now, Like I'm really glad that

1158
00:56:29,880 --> 00:56:32,759
Speaker 1: people are doing the work, and in reality, we've all

1159
00:56:32,800 --> 00:56:37,320
Speaker 1: shown up to different tables first, maybe you know, like I,

1160
00:56:37,320 --> 00:56:41,440
Speaker 1: I came into the space of caring about activism because

1161
00:56:41,560 --> 00:56:44,239
Speaker 1: of the environment, because I was a little girl who

1162
00:56:44,239 --> 00:56:46,400
Speaker 1: grew up in California and heard that the oceans were

1163
00:56:46,400 --> 00:56:49,200
Speaker 1: getting polluted and it was devastated, and like that was

1164
00:56:49,320 --> 00:56:53,440
Speaker 1: my entrance in. I didn't know about what was happening

1165
00:56:53,480 --> 00:56:55,680
Speaker 1: to women, and I didn't know what was happening to

1166
00:56:56,080 --> 00:56:59,040
Speaker 1: you know, impoverished communities around the world, and I didn't

1167
00:56:59,080 --> 00:57:02,280
Speaker 1: know what was happening to minority communities in America yet.

1168
00:57:02,960 --> 00:57:06,960
Speaker 1: But the path has led me to I hope, greater

1169
00:57:07,000 --> 00:57:11,839
Speaker 1: and greater understanding and willingness to listen and learn, and

1170
00:57:12,440 --> 00:57:15,680
Speaker 1: sometimes I think at least for all of us, but

1171
00:57:15,760 --> 00:57:18,160
Speaker 1: I know for me, I had to learn to turn

1172
00:57:18,200 --> 00:57:22,320
Speaker 1: that willingness to learn and and to hear, and to

1173
00:57:22,480 --> 00:57:26,600
Speaker 1: recognize that simultaneous things could be true, you know, things

1174
00:57:26,640 --> 00:57:28,800
Speaker 1: could be true at the same time. I had to

1175
00:57:28,880 --> 00:57:31,240
Speaker 1: turn that in on myself because I was very willing

1176
00:57:31,800 --> 00:57:34,480
Speaker 1: to do that for other people. And what I realized

1177
00:57:34,560 --> 00:57:37,120
Speaker 1: is my version of that compartmentalization was that I had

1178
00:57:37,760 --> 00:57:42,520
Speaker 1: zero patience for weakness in myself, which weirdly, which weirdly

1179
00:57:42,560 --> 00:57:46,120
Speaker 1: presented itself in these ways of like self sabotage, like

1180
00:57:46,440 --> 00:57:52,040
Speaker 1: I love being active, and when when the election blew

1181
00:57:52,160 --> 00:57:55,560
Speaker 1: up the rage and upset I've been experiencing for the

1182
00:57:55,600 --> 00:57:59,760
Speaker 1: prior four years in my working environment, and and the

1183
00:58:00,000 --> 00:58:01,960
Speaker 1: action made me realize what the system is. And then

1184
00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:04,040
Speaker 1: I realized that by staying in the system of my job,

1185
00:58:04,080 --> 00:58:06,280
Speaker 1: I was complicit in the system. And like I had

1186
00:58:06,320 --> 00:58:09,919
Speaker 1: a full meltdown, like sad mac that computer is never

1187
00:58:09,960 --> 00:58:14,360
Speaker 1: to be recovered, and and it it made me realize

1188
00:58:14,400 --> 00:58:21,240
Speaker 1: that I had to acknowledge that different things could be

1189
00:58:21,280 --> 00:58:23,000
Speaker 1: true at the same time. That I could have loved

1190
00:58:23,040 --> 00:58:26,040
Speaker 1: something and hated it. That I could be progressive and

1191
00:58:26,080 --> 00:58:29,520
Speaker 1: also totally fucking clueless. That I could be a really

1192
00:58:29,520 --> 00:58:32,720
Speaker 1: good friend and also a very angry person, Like I

1193
00:58:32,800 --> 00:58:35,160
Speaker 1: had to realize that all of this was happening at

1194
00:58:35,160 --> 00:58:39,400
Speaker 1: the same time. That's beautifully said, you can be multiple

1195
00:58:39,440 --> 00:58:41,520
Speaker 1: things at the same time. You know, you could be

1196
00:58:41,600 --> 00:58:44,760
Speaker 1: kind and loving and be tortured. Yeah, So it's like,

1197
00:58:44,840 --> 00:58:48,200
Speaker 1: you know, people define themselves. People aren't one dimensional. Everybody

1198
00:58:48,200 --> 00:58:50,520
Speaker 1: has lots of different things going on. So it's just

1199
00:58:50,560 --> 00:58:52,400
Speaker 1: a matter of like tuning in and finding out what

1200
00:58:52,440 --> 00:58:55,240
Speaker 1: your strengths are, what your weaknesses are, you know, and

1201
00:58:55,320 --> 00:58:57,400
Speaker 1: what Like my psychiatrist calls it your growth edge, Like

1202
00:58:57,480 --> 00:58:58,960
Speaker 1: what do you need to work on me? I have

1203
00:58:59,000 --> 00:59:00,560
Speaker 1: to look out for empathy now. I have this fucking

1204
00:59:00,600 --> 00:59:02,760
Speaker 1: exercise I do anytime somebody annoys me on, Like, think

1205
00:59:02,800 --> 00:59:05,200
Speaker 1: about their life, think about how many people they have

1206
00:59:05,240 --> 00:59:07,480
Speaker 1: to deal with the day, think about what they're are

1207
00:59:07,480 --> 00:59:10,000
Speaker 1: they married, does their husband love them or hate them?

1208
00:59:10,080 --> 00:59:12,240
Speaker 1: Or did they hate their husband? Like, I have to

1209
00:59:12,280 --> 00:59:14,560
Speaker 1: play this empathy game to get to myself a point

1210
00:59:14,600 --> 00:59:16,600
Speaker 1: where I get empathy more. You know, I have to

1211
00:59:16,680 --> 00:59:19,800
Speaker 1: overcorrect in order to land in a space space that's acceptable.

1212
00:59:19,920 --> 00:59:22,520
Speaker 1: I want the twenty nineteen version of Gossip Girl where

1213
00:59:22,520 --> 00:59:24,720
Speaker 1: there's like someone going through something and then there's the

1214
00:59:24,800 --> 00:59:28,320
Speaker 1: narrator that's like, hey everybody, but it's you doing the

1215
00:59:28,360 --> 00:59:32,480
Speaker 1: empathy test like some character, and then Chelsea's voice comes in,

1216
00:59:32,560 --> 00:59:35,440
Speaker 1: being like, think about their experience, what might they be

1217
00:59:35,520 --> 00:59:38,920
Speaker 1: going through, what's happening in their house? Yeah, it's exhausting too,

1218
00:59:39,120 --> 00:59:40,840
Speaker 1: Like he's like, how you doing on your empathy? I'm like,

1219
00:59:40,880 --> 00:59:45,920
Speaker 1: I'm fucking wiped out. You're like, you've ruined everything for me.

1220
00:59:46,920 --> 00:59:50,080
Speaker 1: I don't get to scream indiscriminately in my car anymore.

1221
00:59:50,960 --> 00:59:52,600
Speaker 1: I had to. I had to apply a version of

1222
00:59:52,600 --> 00:59:55,400
Speaker 1: that exercise to my road rage because I realized that

1223
00:59:55,440 --> 00:59:57,800
Speaker 1: I feel like, given what we all do, that like

1224
00:59:57,880 --> 01:00:01,240
Speaker 1: I always kind of have to be on um and

1225
01:00:01,600 --> 01:00:04,920
Speaker 1: you know, be ready to receive and be nice and whatever.

1226
01:00:05,400 --> 01:00:07,200
Speaker 1: And not to say that I'm perfect at that by

1227
01:00:07,200 --> 01:00:09,240
Speaker 1: any means, because I screwed up all the time, but

1228
01:00:09,440 --> 01:00:11,880
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm supposed to. So my car is

1229
01:00:11,880 --> 01:00:14,600
Speaker 1: the place where I like let loose and I'm a savage.

1230
01:00:15,360 --> 01:00:18,080
Speaker 1: I'm I'm horrible, and I don't like cut people off.

1231
01:00:18,120 --> 01:00:21,200
Speaker 1: I don't, it's not that. But I watch people do

1232
01:00:21,560 --> 01:00:24,640
Speaker 1: stupid ship on the road and I just scream and yell,

1233
01:00:25,120 --> 01:00:27,800
Speaker 1: like I drive your outlet. Yeah, I drive by somebody

1234
01:00:27,800 --> 01:00:29,840
Speaker 1: who's texting, and I'm like, that's the asshole who's going

1235
01:00:29,880 --> 01:00:31,880
Speaker 1: to cause the pilot but it's gonna get seven people killed.

1236
01:00:31,880 --> 01:00:34,400
Speaker 1: And like I just and I was like, this might

1237
01:00:34,440 --> 01:00:36,760
Speaker 1: not be healthy, this this thing that happens here when

1238
01:00:36,800 --> 01:00:39,200
Speaker 1: I'm alone, that I don't tell anyone about it. Now

1239
01:00:39,200 --> 01:00:42,280
Speaker 1: I've told everyone listening. That's good, though, I divulge a

1240
01:00:42,280 --> 01:00:44,880
Speaker 1: little business because you know, there's a lot of people

1241
01:00:44,880 --> 01:00:47,000
Speaker 1: out there that are listening that probably do the same

1242
01:00:47,000 --> 01:00:49,600
Speaker 1: exact thing. That's what you realize when you tell people

1243
01:00:49,640 --> 01:00:52,240
Speaker 1: the truth, that there are so many people that are

1244
01:00:52,240 --> 01:00:55,000
Speaker 1: dealing with the exact same issues that you are. Yeah,

1245
01:00:55,600 --> 01:00:57,360
Speaker 1: one of my friends and I talked about that, how

1246
01:00:57,720 --> 01:00:59,840
Speaker 1: how there's this sort of and maybe it's an uncon

1247
01:01:00,120 --> 01:01:02,840
Speaker 1: just fear that if we share our pain, people will

1248
01:01:02,840 --> 01:01:04,960
Speaker 1: be repulsed by it, like they'll be like, oh ick.

1249
01:01:05,480 --> 01:01:07,800
Speaker 1: But really, what happens when you share your pain or

1250
01:01:07,840 --> 01:01:10,920
Speaker 1: your failures or vulnerabilities is that people lean in and

1251
01:01:10,960 --> 01:01:14,400
Speaker 1: they go, oh, you too, And it's such a gift,

1252
01:01:15,400 --> 01:01:18,160
Speaker 1: Like it's like a way to deflate the balloon that's

1253
01:01:18,240 --> 01:01:21,160
Speaker 1: overfilled with all this like tension and pressure to be

1254
01:01:21,280 --> 01:01:24,680
Speaker 1: perfect and like you know, have your Instagram be curated

1255
01:01:24,720 --> 01:01:29,160
Speaker 1: like it's exhausting. It's not exhausting. Another reason to be authentic,

1256
01:01:29,680 --> 01:01:32,080
Speaker 1: you know, don't put on a persona and fool everybody.

1257
01:01:32,120 --> 01:01:35,240
Speaker 1: How insulting is that it's insulting to people to be

1258
01:01:35,360 --> 01:01:38,960
Speaker 1: pretending something that you're something that you're not. And you know,

1259
01:01:39,080 --> 01:01:42,320
Speaker 1: to worry about your brand. It's like, guess what, this

1260
01:01:42,400 --> 01:01:46,320
Speaker 1: is my brand? I'm fucking pissed. Yeah. I think people

1261
01:01:46,360 --> 01:01:48,920
Speaker 1: know that anger at the current political system is my brand.

1262
01:01:49,000 --> 01:01:51,360
Speaker 1: I think they're pretty clear on that. I actually realized.

1263
01:01:51,400 --> 01:01:53,080
Speaker 1: I was like, I have to be a little better

1264
01:01:53,640 --> 01:01:55,760
Speaker 1: at being more of who I am in my life

1265
01:01:56,280 --> 01:01:59,280
Speaker 1: in those spaces, like especially on Twitter, because all I

1266
01:01:59,280 --> 01:02:01,880
Speaker 1: do on Twitter sc about politics and retweet articles because

1267
01:02:01,880 --> 01:02:04,320
Speaker 1: like that feels like it's for But I have so

1268
01:02:04,440 --> 01:02:07,880
Speaker 1: much also joy in my life and that's not what

1269
01:02:08,000 --> 01:02:10,360
Speaker 1: I share. So sometimes I meet people and they're like, god,

1270
01:02:10,360 --> 01:02:12,640
Speaker 1: I just thought you'd be so angry, And I'm like, no,

1271
01:02:12,720 --> 01:02:15,400
Speaker 1: I mean I think I'm a nice person. Annoying that

1272
01:02:15,480 --> 01:02:18,480
Speaker 1: being an activist is equated with being angry. Yeah, I

1273
01:02:18,520 --> 01:02:20,480
Speaker 1: mean the way I was doing it was angry, but

1274
01:02:20,520 --> 01:02:22,600
Speaker 1: I think the way you do it is very informative

1275
01:02:22,720 --> 01:02:25,760
Speaker 1: and strong. And why are we angry? Yeah? Why is

1276
01:02:25,760 --> 01:02:30,360
Speaker 1: it angry? It's like negative? The President is negative. He's

1277
01:02:30,400 --> 01:02:33,640
Speaker 1: screaming and yelling and he's calling you know, the Sadik Khan,

1278
01:02:33,680 --> 01:02:36,280
Speaker 1: the mayor of London negative. He's like, oh, this guy's

1279
01:02:36,280 --> 01:02:39,640
Speaker 1: a very negative guy. It's like my favorite is that

1280
01:02:39,680 --> 01:02:42,800
Speaker 1: he called Megan Marco nasty in an interview and then

1281
01:02:42,840 --> 01:02:44,360
Speaker 1: on the air and then was like, I never said

1282
01:02:44,400 --> 01:02:46,320
Speaker 1: she was. And then since Harry went to the lunch

1283
01:02:46,400 --> 01:02:48,720
Speaker 1: the state dinner with him, why would he do didn't

1284
01:02:48,720 --> 01:02:51,960
Speaker 1: You're very proper those English No, that's not I never

1285
01:02:52,040 --> 01:02:54,200
Speaker 1: have had him over there and a state dinner. I mean,

1286
01:02:54,200 --> 01:02:56,680
Speaker 1: I understand that it's really and I guess that's again

1287
01:02:56,760 --> 01:02:58,720
Speaker 1: the long game. I'm not playing it. I'm playing the

1288
01:02:58,760 --> 01:03:02,240
Speaker 1: short I just want him to get impeached. I want

1289
01:03:02,280 --> 01:03:04,720
Speaker 1: do you think about him out? What do you when

1290
01:03:04,720 --> 01:03:07,120
Speaker 1: you think about that, when you think about the last election,

1291
01:03:07,120 --> 01:03:11,680
Speaker 1: Because I think about you know, I loved you wrote

1292
01:03:11,680 --> 01:03:14,080
Speaker 1: an article before the election. You wrote this great article

1293
01:03:14,120 --> 01:03:17,960
Speaker 1: for Playboy about abortion. And it's so interesting because I think,

1294
01:03:18,000 --> 01:03:21,000
Speaker 1: like so many of us thought you said, you were like,

1295
01:03:21,040 --> 01:03:23,400
Speaker 1: I'm not worried about ro versus. Wait, like that's settled,

1296
01:03:23,440 --> 01:03:25,960
Speaker 1: you know, it's subtled president, And now we're like, oh

1297
01:03:26,000 --> 01:03:28,160
Speaker 1: my god, yeah, I mean I'm still not worried about it.

1298
01:03:28,200 --> 01:03:30,000
Speaker 1: In the long run, Like, I don't think we're ever

1299
01:03:30,000 --> 01:03:32,360
Speaker 1: going to be in a country that where abortion is

1300
01:03:32,760 --> 01:03:36,360
Speaker 1: not legal in certain places, but criminalizing it in the

1301
01:03:36,440 --> 01:03:38,720
Speaker 1: states that they're doing. Yeah, this is exactly what I

1302
01:03:38,720 --> 01:03:40,920
Speaker 1: thought was going to happen. I don't think that it

1303
01:03:41,000 --> 01:03:44,560
Speaker 1: will take over, but I think that it involves everybody

1304
01:03:44,600 --> 01:03:46,840
Speaker 1: to stand up and stick their neck out. And it's

1305
01:03:46,880 --> 01:03:49,520
Speaker 1: just horrific to me because it's like, you know, all

1306
01:03:49,560 --> 01:03:51,880
Speaker 1: those lawmakers, the guy who who said, well, we don't care,

1307
01:03:52,200 --> 01:03:56,480
Speaker 1: they said, okay, if it's you know, if conception means life,

1308
01:03:56,520 --> 01:03:58,400
Speaker 1: then what about all the fertilized eggs, And he goes, well,

1309
01:03:58,400 --> 01:04:00,520
Speaker 1: they're not in a woman, And I was like, so

1310
01:04:00,800 --> 01:04:04,480
Speaker 1: you you just admitted it's about controlling women's bodies. Like yeah,

1311
01:04:04,600 --> 01:04:06,040
Speaker 1: So when I read there was a good New York

1312
01:04:06,040 --> 01:04:09,840
Speaker 1: Times article about what men would if we punished men

1313
01:04:09,920 --> 01:04:13,000
Speaker 1: the way we punish women for getting pregnant, Like if men, okay,

1314
01:04:13,040 --> 01:04:15,720
Speaker 1: if you They used all these examples like, okay, so,

1315
01:04:15,760 --> 01:04:18,080
Speaker 1: if you've got a woman pregnant that you weren't married

1316
01:04:18,120 --> 01:04:21,240
Speaker 1: to or did, what happens to the guy and she's

1317
01:04:21,280 --> 01:04:23,000
Speaker 1: forced to have the baby. If you rape somebody and

1318
01:04:23,000 --> 01:04:25,200
Speaker 1: they're forced to have the baby, what happens to the man.

1319
01:04:25,560 --> 01:04:28,320
Speaker 1: If you're you know, uh, if you don't use a condom,

1320
01:04:28,400 --> 01:04:31,600
Speaker 1: then then that's illegal. It's illegal. If you the person

1321
01:04:31,640 --> 01:04:33,160
Speaker 1: doesn't want to have a baby, and you don't use

1322
01:04:33,200 --> 01:04:36,760
Speaker 1: a condom, that's illegal. I mean, and like taking to

1323
01:04:36,840 --> 01:04:40,200
Speaker 1: the condom, yeah, but be illegal. And if men had

1324
01:04:40,240 --> 01:04:43,080
Speaker 1: to be accountable for children the way that women are

1325
01:04:43,080 --> 01:04:45,920
Speaker 1: accountable for children, I mean, for fox sake, they decide

1326
01:04:46,080 --> 01:04:47,520
Speaker 1: what we're going to do with our bodies, and then

1327
01:04:47,560 --> 01:04:49,760
Speaker 1: half of the time they take off when the woman

1328
01:04:49,840 --> 01:04:53,000
Speaker 1: has a baby. Fuck you, and men are telling us

1329
01:04:53,000 --> 01:04:54,840
Speaker 1: what to do with our bodies. I mean, it's laughable.

1330
01:04:54,960 --> 01:04:57,280
Speaker 1: And women aren't getting promoted because their bosses are asking

1331
01:04:57,280 --> 01:04:59,240
Speaker 1: them if they think they're going to want to be moms,

1332
01:04:59,240 --> 01:05:02,320
Speaker 1: and it's like, you don't think that affects us? And

1333
01:05:02,640 --> 01:05:04,520
Speaker 1: I also just find it so crazy. It's like, if

1334
01:05:04,520 --> 01:05:06,960
Speaker 1: you don't like it, don't do it. If you don't

1335
01:05:07,040 --> 01:05:09,040
Speaker 1: like if you don't like gay marriage, don't marry someone

1336
01:05:09,040 --> 01:05:10,520
Speaker 1: who's the same sex as you. If you don't believe

1337
01:05:10,520 --> 01:05:13,360
Speaker 1: in abortion rights, don't have one. Like, honestly, I can't

1338
01:05:13,440 --> 01:05:16,880
Speaker 1: believe my dumb luck that I've never gotten pregnant. I

1339
01:05:16,920 --> 01:05:19,920
Speaker 1: can't believe that right now. I mean as I mean,

1340
01:05:20,000 --> 01:05:23,280
Speaker 1: I'm very fertile, but no, I haven't been sitting across

1341
01:05:23,280 --> 01:05:25,040
Speaker 1: from me making you feel like you might be having

1342
01:05:25,120 --> 01:05:28,160
Speaker 1: immaculate conception. I'm glad that I could do that for you.

1343
01:05:28,200 --> 01:05:30,320
Speaker 1: It's very hot in here. Can you imagine getting pregnant

1344
01:05:30,320 --> 01:05:31,920
Speaker 1: at forty four? And then I'm a real dummy. Then

1345
01:05:31,960 --> 01:05:34,240
Speaker 1: I deserve to have a baby. I mean, listen, I

1346
01:05:34,560 --> 01:05:36,120
Speaker 1: don't know. I don't know what the future holds for

1347
01:05:36,160 --> 01:05:41,040
Speaker 1: any of us, but like I just I think about it.

1348
01:05:41,040 --> 01:05:45,640
Speaker 1: It's like it's nobody's business to tell anybody what to

1349
01:05:45,720 --> 01:05:49,680
Speaker 1: do in their personal circumstance, with their life, with with

1350
01:05:49,760 --> 01:05:52,360
Speaker 1: what it is that they're going through. Like I I'm

1351
01:05:52,440 --> 01:05:55,560
Speaker 1: so amazed. You know that Busy Phillips got on her

1352
01:05:55,600 --> 01:05:58,200
Speaker 1: show and said like this is what happened to me,

1353
01:05:58,400 --> 01:06:00,320
Speaker 1: and and this is how old I was. In says, well,

1354
01:06:00,360 --> 01:06:02,400
Speaker 1: I had an abortion, and like you know here I am,

1355
01:06:02,400 --> 01:06:04,040
Speaker 1: I'm married, I'm a mom, I have two kids who

1356
01:06:04,080 --> 01:06:05,560
Speaker 1: I love, And I got to do all of this

1357
01:06:05,800 --> 01:06:08,800
Speaker 1: because I had a choice. And I just thought, like

1358
01:06:09,000 --> 01:06:13,200
Speaker 1: good for you, Like and and who is anybody to

1359
01:06:13,240 --> 01:06:16,440
Speaker 1: tell anybody anything? I don't know, but it does make

1360
01:06:16,480 --> 01:06:18,200
Speaker 1: me wonder, like what do you what do you think

1361
01:06:19,320 --> 01:06:21,400
Speaker 1: is coming in what do you think we need to

1362
01:06:21,440 --> 01:06:24,240
Speaker 1: be doing. Who do you like? I think that if

1363
01:06:24,320 --> 01:06:26,880
Speaker 1: the answer to Barack Obama was Donald Trump, then the

1364
01:06:26,920 --> 01:06:29,960
Speaker 1: answer to Donald Trump has to be somebody who's transitioning,

1365
01:06:30,080 --> 01:06:33,840
Speaker 1: who's Muslim, who's a Native American Indian. I like Elizabeth

1366
01:06:33,880 --> 01:06:37,200
Speaker 1: Warren and I like Petege. Those are my two favorites

1367
01:06:37,280 --> 01:06:40,960
Speaker 1: right now. Uh, Pete beauta Jedge I've seen. I interviewed

1368
01:06:41,040 --> 01:06:42,800
Speaker 1: him on my Netflix show, and I went to a

1369
01:06:42,800 --> 01:06:45,439
Speaker 1: fundraiser of his, uh, like a couple of weeks ago.

1370
01:06:45,880 --> 01:06:47,680
Speaker 1: And I just think Elizabeth Warren, you know, when I

1371
01:06:47,680 --> 01:06:50,040
Speaker 1: interviewed her for my show, I read her book and

1372
01:06:50,040 --> 01:06:53,480
Speaker 1: and she does care. She's somebody who would win an

1373
01:06:53,520 --> 01:06:56,280
Speaker 1: election and not celebrate that, you know, should just get

1374
01:06:56,360 --> 01:06:59,080
Speaker 1: right to work. She has policy and she has plans,

1375
01:06:59,160 --> 01:07:03,280
Speaker 1: and she's all for getting at the corporate megalomaniacs and

1376
01:07:03,320 --> 01:07:05,760
Speaker 1: what's happened to this country and the capitalism. You know,

1377
01:07:05,840 --> 01:07:08,520
Speaker 1: this isn't the greatest country in the world, so stop

1378
01:07:08,560 --> 01:07:11,080
Speaker 1: saying it. It has the greatest hopefulness in the world

1379
01:07:11,120 --> 01:07:13,680
Speaker 1: where it had. It's not the greatest country in the world.

1380
01:07:13,800 --> 01:07:15,960
Speaker 1: We have greater than any other country. Yeah, we have

1381
01:07:16,080 --> 01:07:19,240
Speaker 1: this great story. But then you look at these other countries.

1382
01:07:19,280 --> 01:07:21,040
Speaker 1: You look at Sweden, you look at the Netherlands, you

1383
01:07:21,040 --> 01:07:24,120
Speaker 1: look at you look at countries over there that have

1384
01:07:24,720 --> 01:07:27,840
Speaker 1: proper you know, relationship and sex said for kids that

1385
01:07:27,880 --> 01:07:29,760
Speaker 1: starts at four and takes them all the way through

1386
01:07:30,120 --> 01:07:32,960
Speaker 1: high school, and they have no they have like the

1387
01:07:32,960 --> 01:07:35,480
Speaker 1: lowest rates of team pregnancy and the lowest rates of

1388
01:07:35,480 --> 01:07:38,120
Speaker 1: sex assault and the lower And you're just like, ah,

1389
01:07:38,160 --> 01:07:40,240
Speaker 1: there's so many things we could be learning if we

1390
01:07:40,240 --> 01:07:43,840
Speaker 1: weren't so fucking egotistical saying how we're the best while

1391
01:07:43,960 --> 01:07:49,400
Speaker 1: people are suffering. I I agree. I'm just really hopeful

1392
01:07:49,440 --> 01:07:51,520
Speaker 1: that we get to see all of them on a

1393
01:07:51,560 --> 01:07:53,760
Speaker 1: debate stage. I don't feel like I have a candidate,

1394
01:07:54,120 --> 01:07:55,640
Speaker 1: but I feel like I have a lot of hope

1395
01:07:55,760 --> 01:07:58,560
Speaker 1: for what's coming. And you know, I'm just hoping that

1396
01:07:58,600 --> 01:08:00,840
Speaker 1: things like the Pave Act would would actually get us

1397
01:08:00,880 --> 01:08:04,120
Speaker 1: back on paper ballots which are securable. UM gets past

1398
01:08:04,200 --> 01:08:06,400
Speaker 1: because it makes me upset that like Russian oligarchs are

1399
01:08:06,440 --> 01:08:08,919
Speaker 1: buying voting machines in the United States and that that's

1400
01:08:08,960 --> 01:08:11,080
Speaker 1: not even front page news because of all the dumb

1401
01:08:11,080 --> 01:08:13,360
Speaker 1: ship Donald Trump is doing every day. So but to

1402
01:08:13,400 --> 01:08:16,840
Speaker 1: think about though, what we accomplished the mids terms is like,

1403
01:08:17,000 --> 01:08:19,320
Speaker 1: that's what we have to vote in the supermajority because

1404
01:08:19,360 --> 01:08:21,400
Speaker 1: they cheat, you know what I mean. And I'm sure

1405
01:08:21,439 --> 01:08:24,240
Speaker 1: Democrats have cheated too, but that's not really our thing.

1406
01:08:24,320 --> 01:08:27,439
Speaker 1: As much as we're not trying to suppress votes. We're

1407
01:08:27,439 --> 01:08:29,760
Speaker 1: trying to get everybody to vote, whereas Republicans want to

1408
01:08:29,800 --> 01:08:32,480
Speaker 1: make sure people don't vote. So that's a big distinguishable

1409
01:08:32,560 --> 01:08:37,240
Speaker 1: trait right there. And you know, um, very unconstitutional, Yes,

1410
01:08:37,560 --> 01:08:41,280
Speaker 1: that's one word for it. I'd look at that, you

1411
01:08:41,280 --> 01:08:42,559
Speaker 1: know what I did. I had a thought and then

1412
01:08:42,560 --> 01:08:44,240
Speaker 1: I reined it in and then I said the nicer

1413
01:08:44,360 --> 01:08:47,080
Speaker 1: thing not to be too woo woo, but like I

1414
01:08:47,200 --> 01:08:50,439
Speaker 1: made it higher self decision just then. Right, that was good.

1415
01:08:50,720 --> 01:08:52,599
Speaker 1: That was good. All of this therapy is panning out

1416
01:08:52,720 --> 01:08:56,479
Speaker 1: a look at us girl, like that's adult ng. So

1417
01:08:56,520 --> 01:09:00,679
Speaker 1: I think about how everyone has something but to them

1418
01:09:00,800 --> 01:09:02,800
Speaker 1: is like a work in progress, something that they are

1419
01:09:03,760 --> 01:09:08,360
Speaker 1: working on, whether it's professional, personal, you know, political, life, passion.

1420
01:09:09,040 --> 01:09:13,559
Speaker 1: What what feels like your work in progress going forward?

1421
01:09:13,600 --> 01:09:18,439
Speaker 1: For everything, I work in progress my passion. I mean,

1422
01:09:18,600 --> 01:09:21,320
Speaker 1: you know, I read a book called Essentialism which talked

1423
01:09:21,360 --> 01:09:24,440
Speaker 1: about doing two things really well instead of eight things mediocre.

1424
01:09:25,160 --> 01:09:28,320
Speaker 1: And that hit me because I've always been spinning plates

1425
01:09:28,320 --> 01:09:30,479
Speaker 1: in a million different directions. And so when I wrote

1426
01:09:30,479 --> 01:09:34,120
Speaker 1: this book, it and focused only on writing a book,

1427
01:09:34,360 --> 01:09:37,160
Speaker 1: and the election was also and skiing that was my

1428
01:09:37,320 --> 01:09:40,320
Speaker 1: I picked two things. I'm like, well, I picked three politics,

1429
01:09:40,360 --> 01:09:44,400
Speaker 1: skiing and writing the book. And the integrity of the

1430
01:09:44,400 --> 01:09:48,280
Speaker 1: work was so raised by me allowing myself to actually

1431
01:09:48,320 --> 01:09:49,720
Speaker 1: live it, eat it, and breathe it. And it was

1432
01:09:49,760 --> 01:09:52,720
Speaker 1: something that vomited out of me, so to speak. It

1433
01:09:52,800 --> 01:09:55,639
Speaker 1: was a completely different experience. Even recording my audio book,

1434
01:09:55,800 --> 01:09:58,320
Speaker 1: I was dreading it, dreading it because I hate talking

1435
01:09:58,360 --> 01:10:00,479
Speaker 1: and hearing my voice. I find my voice, but I

1436
01:10:01,439 --> 01:10:04,040
Speaker 1: my energy so different now, Like I'm so much calmer

1437
01:10:04,080 --> 01:10:07,360
Speaker 1: that I didn't annoyed me and it poured out of me.

1438
01:10:07,400 --> 01:10:09,240
Speaker 1: And even when I got emotional and like, leave it,

1439
01:10:09,240 --> 01:10:11,479
Speaker 1: it's real, it's real. Leave everything in there. You know,

1440
01:10:11,479 --> 01:10:12,800
Speaker 1: they'd be like, do you want to redo that take?

1441
01:10:12,840 --> 01:10:14,920
Speaker 1: And I'd be like, no, I know, leave it. This

1442
01:10:14,960 --> 01:10:17,200
Speaker 1: is where driving around l A being like oh my god,

1443
01:10:17,320 --> 01:10:19,920
Speaker 1: completely like I'm crying in my car listening to you.

1444
01:10:20,320 --> 01:10:22,200
Speaker 1: So it's what made me want to do a podcast

1445
01:10:22,200 --> 01:10:24,160
Speaker 1: the reaction to people's and then I was able to

1446
01:10:24,200 --> 01:10:26,599
Speaker 1: listen to my audiobook on tape, which is something I've

1447
01:10:26,680 --> 01:10:28,519
Speaker 1: never in my life done. I can't, you know, I've

1448
01:10:28,560 --> 01:10:30,960
Speaker 1: never watched, you know, an episode of my own show

1449
01:10:31,040 --> 01:10:33,760
Speaker 1: unless I was wasted, you know, and my friends were over,

1450
01:10:33,840 --> 01:10:35,960
Speaker 1: Like I would never go home and watch myself because

1451
01:10:36,000 --> 01:10:39,400
Speaker 1: I was just so kind of like over myself for

1452
01:10:39,479 --> 01:10:41,760
Speaker 1: a long time. And this is the first time that

1453
01:10:41,800 --> 01:10:44,479
Speaker 1: I was being so real that I had to embrace myself.

1454
01:10:45,840 --> 01:10:48,280
Speaker 1: So that's the moral of the story. The more truthful

1455
01:10:48,320 --> 01:10:50,479
Speaker 1: and the more real we get, the more grounded. You know,

1456
01:10:50,479 --> 01:10:54,320
Speaker 1: when people talk about spiritual awakenings or spirituality, I think

1457
01:10:54,320 --> 01:10:56,640
Speaker 1: of that language and I think about being grounded, like

1458
01:10:56,680 --> 01:10:58,960
Speaker 1: I don't think about it in an ethereal way. I think, Oh,

1459
01:10:58,960 --> 01:11:01,439
Speaker 1: I've got my feet on the ground. I'm engaged. I've

1460
01:11:01,479 --> 01:11:04,120
Speaker 1: heard every word you're saying to me, every single person

1461
01:11:04,200 --> 01:11:07,080
Speaker 1: I meet along the way. Every day, I try to

1462
01:11:07,120 --> 01:11:10,840
Speaker 1: be present for even if it's two seconds. And this

1463
01:11:11,000 --> 01:11:13,720
Speaker 1: is a game changer. Then you are in control of

1464
01:11:13,800 --> 01:11:17,679
Speaker 1: everything in your life. When you're calm and relaxed, then

1465
01:11:17,720 --> 01:11:20,800
Speaker 1: you control everything, and in the best way and if

1466
01:11:20,800 --> 01:11:23,240
Speaker 1: something doesn't work out the way you like or want,

1467
01:11:23,479 --> 01:11:30,760
Speaker 1: you're still in control of yourself. This show is executive

1468
01:11:30,800 --> 01:11:35,120
Speaker 1: produced by Me, Sophia Bush, and sim Sarna. Our supervising

1469
01:11:35,120 --> 01:11:39,160
Speaker 1: producer is Alison Bresnick. Our associate producer is Cate Linlee.

1470
01:11:39,600 --> 01:11:42,759
Speaker 1: Our editor is Josh Wendish, and our music was written

1471
01:11:42,760 --> 01:11:46,000
Speaker 1: by Jack Garrett and produced by Mark Foster. This show

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Speaker 1: is brought to you by Curly at Anatomy